Wow, dream after dream.

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Three maybe four dreams, I'll see what I remember as I write.
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In the first dream, a friend of mine became more fully known.  I don't know if I have written of him here.  I had thought he... reformed, as I have.  You may not see it, be glad that you can't, if you can't.  Those who know are more pleased than you can understand.  Not perfect, just not... that.  In the dream I learned the depths of his... darkness.

We were friends, for my part, for quite some time.  I knew of some of his dark history, he knew of mine.  He knew I changed.  I had thought that is why we had become friends.  I probably, if the dream is true, had it backwards.  I had been far darker, and fearlessly, than he.  He wasn't jealous, in the wrong way oddly, but he was envious.  He was simply hoping to learn, glean what he could, take that fearless darkness.  He was in awe, pleased, but with my past, not my present.  Though, from the dream, he seemed to believe even the level of my current reformed state held greater potential for darkness than he ever had.  While I can kill without issue, if needed, I don't think that is a darkness.  Those in shadows are often confused.  While I can kill, all but thoughtlessly when required, I cannot murder.  Many on that side don't know the difference.

On and on, I learned more and more.  I was saddened by the understanding.  In the end, I had to abandon him.  No small effort or expense was spent on him.  But a thick-necked man is all he would and wanted to be.  I left him to his ways.  I wonder if he has passed.  In real life I didn't know of this part of him.  If he is dead, this dream told me that he didn't go to heaven, or purgatory.  As alone as being strapped to a hospital bed, in a closed room, where no one does or will ever walk again.  Alone.  He thought he wanted this.  Though, more, he wanted what that would cost, but hear on earth.  He simply ended up paying the price.
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In the next dream, a cousin of mine, who has bounced through life, finally found a woman.  Together they had a child.  The love is shallow, the life they have is not deep, though it seems both understand it is ever so slightly better than the options.  I do have to think, sometimes, that it is wrong.  And, yet, I also know, that is as good as it gets for many people these days.  Perhaps that is all there ever is, other than for a few moments, for most people for most time.
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Next I dreamed of my best relationship with a woman, or a compilation?  I can't, always, remember.  Though I think it was just my best shot at the best involvement, before it all went to hell.  We didn't marry, but it was... at that point.  I can't remember how long we had been together.  For some time it was not exclusive, for me.  She seemed not to have strayed.

Judge me as you will, I didn't trust women all that well, or think I could like one, or just one.  Better to be an honest player than to have three or four women thinking they were the only one.  Lies, I hated them then, more so now, and yet life sometimes?  Nah, it's an excuse, a choice, sometimes a gift if a dark one.

In any case, I did speak with women I have been with.  Rarely, save for one-nights, has it been completely sexual-dimensional.  I wanted to know these beautiful little people, to find out what motivated them, what in life was pleasing or not, what they saw, what they heard.  Not clinically, but socially, physically... I was looking for something, women have half of the clues.  But it wasn't just about seeking, it was an attempt to know, and share, a bit of life with my lover.  I had so little time.  I knew I would be moved to another base, port, state, or country at any given moment.

She... for some reason... I couldn't quite give up on her.  I did what it took through several switches to stay in contact.  And, she, for her part, according to my eyes and ears on the ground, never went astray.  Yeah... I had... friends, everywhere.  Not like they tracked her every second of every day, though... maybe.  Still, I took their words as close to gospel as mere mortals can write.

I just remember the intimacy of the conversations.  She liked being a woman, my woman, and she was a good woman.  She didn't try to be one of the boys, she wasn't one.  She didn't try to own me.  The less she tried though, I think, the more she did.  There is a price for ownership, as I was learning from my side with her.

Have you ever noticed?  Men and women conspire to carve up and share her beauty and sexuality, then her and the children conspire to carve up and share out his worth, and then children go on to do that to their parents, then find their own partners to continue the program.  It's a terribly beautiful thing.  It's a God thing.  Carrot, stick, kiss, hug, child, grandchildren, life.  God knows it, He started it.  I don't even think, at this time, He minds when we are ungrateful... so long as we stick with the righter program.
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Such dreams.  Pleasing to the soul, in some ways, save for that first.  I hope I was wrong.  The sadness, loneliness, of hell is... beyond full recall.  Some nightmares are real, and bother me.  This would be among those very few and rare.  I knew it, but only of flesh.