Almost back to it.

.

.

But... no.  I am afraid if I do much more I will fall again.  It's like having climbed out of a crevasse.  Perched on the edge, feeling better for having made it out.  Then you notice some of your gear down in there.  You have luckily made it out, alone, through the dark.  That... feeling that you are good is nothing but the adrenalin excess stoking sensory inputs while that and some other chemicals begin to fade.  You don't... really have the energy you think you have.  Come back for the tools, if possible, or just let them go.  You won't make the trip out twice.  I've... had to learn these lessons.  Obviously, not fatally, but just.  As mentioned, I am lousy at dying.

Odd though, I just can't sleep, either.  It's not that kind of tired, or worn.  It'll get there, just not now, yet.  I am hoping to be up long enough to put the birds in.  I would love to do some work.  It just isn't advisable.  I would like to eat, but I'm not hungry.  Kefir and an ounce of pistachios, a while ago, have me stuffed as if I ate a one pound burger or such.  Two cups of kefir and an ounce of pistachios.  Odd.

A bit achy.  Back, ribs, but just.  I have been doing a lot of lifting, bending, flexing, front to back and side to side in the last few days... week?  I've been at it, hard, for a bit.  This sort of hurt is the better kind.  Odd that my muscles, in a number of areas, don't hurt.  I have been using them enough to break a sweat at least three times a day for the last four to seven days?  They should hurt.  Meh.  I'll take the minor aches.  If the better ones arrive, I'll pray in gratitude for the allowance to hurt that way too.  All good.

I keep seeing these videos.  Oh, I'd love to go.  I am at the place in my life where I am ready.  It's just I am too old, and already infirm.  I would be a burden.  There would be times where I could do much.  And there would be times where I could do nothing.  My work would not pay for itself.  My V.A. benefits might.  And, yet, not.  Not unless younger men joined in sufficient numbers.

Still, I may obtain the book of rules, and see what of that I might employ.  Including the various prayer hours, as I am able.  Sort of create a small, minor, personal monastery... to the point that is possible.  One man cannot be a monastery.  More a hermit?  Only... neither can I be that.  Even that requires support.  Still, I could do some or parts of it.  If up in the afternoons for a while, do those prayers, in those hours.  Mornings?  Similar.  Perhaps even adding in the hymns.  If... I'm not really a singer.

Anyway... I would like to explore that.  Too old, sick, and unfit for the orders.  I can... play a bit part, and dream.  Hmm... I may actually end up sleeping shortly in spite of what I thought.  Odd how that can go.  Good afternoon, day, and night?  Or... is it nap time.  In such a state, I never really can tell with absolute surety.  Yea, a nap at least.  Later or much later.