Not comfortable.

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I can't find a way to sit which doesn't cause pain.  It is mostly mild pain, but there are many points of pain.  Muscular, skeletal, organ, skin... which is an organ if most don't think of it as such, nerve.  It amazes me just how many places can consciously hurt, and how many places can hurt without seeming to be connected to anything else.

As mentioned, if it weren't for a learned faith in God, and a belief that life through suffering is a requirement, I would not be alive.  I would have continued attempting suicide until I was successful.  To be honest, I suffer less now.  I used to hurt every day.  Now it is two out of three days.  Sometimes the pain is day after day.  Sometimes I have weeks or even months of ease.

Oddly, it is being without pain for extended periods which is the worst.  I... know that pain is coming back.  The longer I go without pain, the worse it will be when it returns.  I have also learned how to partially manage pain.  Which is probably why the pain seems less.  It isn't that I don't hurt every day, it is merely that I have learned to stifle some of it.

I am not sure all who understand as I do could refuse suicide?  They say God would not give what one cannot bear.  But there are a lot of suicides.  On the good side, I have learned how to enjoy some of life.  Even while suffering.  Not... always.  Today is one of the more difficult days.  It isn't even one of the most painful of days.  It is... the volume, variety, of pains which make it the worst.  As I suggested, many things hurt.

Never worry.  I will pray.  And I am grateful for the opportunity at salvation.  A chance I would not have received without the suffering?  Further, if suffering through a hard life pleases God, and acts as a testimony to His will... His will not mine... and the importance of life even a once blind man can see?  I am pleased to suffer.

Don't fret me.  Though a short prayer would always be welcome.  I don't need, or seek necessarily, release from these things.  Though, that God and the saints bolster me in my suffering?  Aye.  Well, and that my suffering pleases the Lord?  Or at least my willingness to suffer for life?  Yes.  And that my life in it, perhaps, is found pleasing through the sacrifice... of surrendering my will to live comfortably or die.  That I attempt what I believe is His will.

More.  If what I do shows the value of life, and doing God's will?  If you don't believe, I can't help you.  If you do, pray that I may continue.  Pray in any case, really.  If you aren't sure, then just pray for God's will to be done, without suggesting it.  I sure hurt today though.  And, yet, I... happily offer that.  Amen.