Couldn't sleep early.

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Oh, I... kept thinking about it.  Just... it wasn't possible.  I turned the furnace down to sleeping temps, but that didn't help.  I did that early.  Very early.  Usually that will work.  I did everything I could do to go on to bed.  It just... wouldn't couldn't, happen.  Three 0 two.  Bleh.

I hurt, all day.  The pain pills took the edge off.  But all day, my legs have been on the edge of charlie horse cramping.  Upper body is nearly back to form.  I am hoping tomorrow my legs will be better.

Other than what I did earlier, nothing doing.  I sat and gamed and tried not to hurt, or think about things.  Difficult.  But... a good day.  I enjoyed, as possible, for what it was worth.  I am very happy, even if I am stuck, here, for a bit.

My mother called today.  They rejected her ssa insurance, or some such.  She is having to hand over her burial insurance.  In part she was crying because she wouldn't have anything to give us.  She already gave us a decent chunk of change.  I reminded her of that.  And, told her, it was a very generous gift, from a woman who had only pennies her whole life.

That... helped her.  Has my brother forgotten?  Or did he want more?  I... don't get that.  She spoke with him as well.  But, yes, I... have nothing but gratitude.  I don't need anything more.  Though, I would like my brother to pitch in so I can visit her a once a year, or every other year.  He won't visit her, I would if I could afford the travel.  We'll... talk.

But, then, she realized she would never leave that place.  That... it is her final home.  And that is true.  But, I helped her think through that, too.  She has people who take her out, often, for overnights, afternoons, or just meals.  And she is able to go.  But, it is true.  And it is hard.  It is a little like graduation, only instead of going into the world with little more than your clothes, you are leaving it.  A hard realization.  I just told her to enjoy her days, to call us, to do what she can... for herself, for others.  And, when it hurts, cry.  I'll always listen.  And I'll try to understand.  She's a wonderful woman.  I can't help her with death, I told her it is a singular walk.  But, to it, and I believe after it, we may be together again.

I have been there.  I realized, thirty years ago, that I was... done.  At least with the rat-race.  I... so wanted to get in there, and out there, and compete.  To make money, to make things maybe, to create, and work.  I... was dead, to the world... mostly.  I knew it.  Before they "found" the heart issue.  I... I knew.  I was where she is now, and so long ago.  I live in the sliver of a razor blade edge.  I just... haven't slid into the abyss yet, or... again?  Again, again, again, etc.  I know the hurt, as it hit.  And it hit every few days, then weeks, then months, then years.  Now... every year or three, it hits.  I can't... change that pain for her, but I can sympathize, listen, tell her I love her.  Yes, yes I can, and do, did.

Well.  On to bed, now, I believe.  Goodnight.