Up!

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Yes, well, and  fine day.  Starting right before 03:00.  I was awake to 18:00?  About that.  I woke around 23:45, crying from a dream about Sam.  Odd how even now that can sneak up on me.  This time it wasn't fair, I couldn't see it coming it as it was in a dream.  Just, holding her, first as she slept, then as she passed from life.  I still... wouldn't have done it any other way.  She slept so very well.  She died so very well.  I am waiting for a warmer dry day.  A day she would have wanted to go out, as a first "summer" type day.  She was a summer girl.  I'll need to dig the hole a bit.  Clear it out a bit.  

Still hits me.  Even being pretty sure where she is, and that she is fine.  And, having not only been there before, or near, but have seen what that is about.  Sure, what I saw, or... didn't see... could all be just hallucinations, as the brain shuts down.  Being flooded with chemicals to try to hold onto life, or ease the pain, or simply make death easier... for I fought it with every ounce, every time I have died.

But, after years of trying to force that belief, I failed to keep it.  It never was a belief, really.  It was a rejection of what I directly experienced.  It was looking out a window, seeing it was raining, but deciding, since it was mid-July (around here), that since it was mid-July, it couldn't be raining, because it doesn't rain in mid-July.  Yea, not a belief.  A rejection of... experience.

Even when I decided that my lying eyes weren't lying, I still had to sort all that out.  Took a very long hard time.  Recalcitrance, stubbornness, procrastination, and ill health all... delayed the inevitable.  Well, in combination with looking for the truth, beauty, and such, but to hold as my own.  You will eventually find God, that is what you are seeking, if you know it or not.  What you do when you find that out is... a whole other story.  I fought like hell, then ended up being required to surrender.

What a dream leads to, innit?  Great tears, of sadness and joy.  And more.

Well...  I started in on the bathroom.  Brushed teeth, moved some things so as to get to the dishes.  Will do dishes and take a shower.  Then, hopefully, a bit more.  Trying to be more... efficient.  Trying to go quickly.  A bit tired, rusted, achy, sleepy, but all rather mildly today.  Not sure if it is cold, let me...  28?  Long slow springs, actually, are the norm.  This might be cooler than usual?  A bit?  Probably ten degrees cooler average, if I had to guess.  The lows.  The highs are twenty degrees cooler, if I had to bed.  Just slogging toward a real spring.  It'll get here.

Well... on to... waking.  Water is heating.  Sour cream is an odd thing, but it works, for now.  With a bit of the chocolate and vegetable protein powders, and chia?  It tastes like a poorly mixed brownie or chocolate cake batter, unbaked.  One in which sour cream is added for a bit of cheeky sprarkle?  One of those things just straddling delicious and gross.  But... for the short term, it works.  If I didn't know exactly what was in it, I wouldn't eat it.  For sure.

Ugh.  Later.