Wanting to crash.

.

.

Just couldn't?  Something... not allowing it.  So, I was hoping to go long, into the day.  I made it to 14:00, and a lot, half?  three quarters? to the next hour?  Or so.  But... that isn't going to happen either.  At 8:06, I am about to crash.  Just... easing into it.

Hungry, very hungry.  And, yet, not.  I thought of ordering a pizza later.  But?  I realize: a) it wouldn't taste good.  Carby food just doesn't taste good now.  It really doesn't.  b) I would feel terrible after.  Gas, gi issues, lots of things just go wrong after I eat those foods. c), d), e), etc.  As well, I know that if I ate one such meal, I would end up eating two or three, maybe four.  While it doesn't taste good, and isn't good for me?  It is addictive.  For me, it's a lot like a drink.  I simply can't have just one.

Hmm, I might have a steak?  Yes.  And I have burger.  But... I... don't want to eat.  Hungry, but not... actually for food.  Hungry to eat, but for it's own purposes.  So... I won't.  Tomorrow, when I get up, I'll get that steak going.  Save the burger stuff for another day.  Two days in a row is enough.  A steak would be great, if I may only eat half?  Well, it's not a half cut steak, but it is on the thinner side.  And, it is bone in.  So there isn't a whole lot of meat there.  I might eat the whole thing.  Or... not.  To be honest, even the half cut steaks, I often only eat half of those... these days.

BUT I SO WANT TO FEAST!  I want to intake a world of food.  Have textures, tastes, and more.  But, no...  I'll... try to stick to the plan.  I allow myself all the meat I want, if I am actually needing food.  I realize, now, that I can't eat.  I simply can't take much in.  Currently.  I am hoping, as my body levels out, that I will be able to eat more, again.  We'll see.  Crazy.  I never thought I'd not be able to eat, in great volume, especially meat?  Right, but take the carbs away, and?  And the drive to eat is gone.  No sugars, of any kind.  No carbs for the most part at all.  And my simple ability to eat is gone.

Then again, even at 246, I'm hefty.  I don't have the muscle I had then.  I had 25" arms?  Not... as big as it sounds, on my frame.  But... I probably have 18" arms now, 16"?  Ugh.  That's a lot of muscle weight.  Chest, arms, legs, everything was... a third or more bigger.  Rightly.  Still, headed in the right direction.  And, my body will... get to some balance.  Then, maybe, I can eat a bit more.  Won't go back to carbs.  Can't.  They'll kill me. 

Anyway... blathering... as I prepare to crash.  Goodnight, and good morning.