Nearing noon.

.

.

Totally baked, smashed, crashing.  Still, will push as far as I can.

Reminds me of when I used to drink.  To be honest, because of this?  I honestly don't think alcohol was the problem.  Some days, no matter, I feel awful.  Though... I drank to find relief, and sometimes that followed through from the time of drinking to several days or weeks later.  Sometimes not so much.

Couldn't drink more than a few times a month, but I drank deep.  No, not even tempted to go back.  Just... comparing some new and old notes, and wondering.

I had to dry the blankets twice.  But they are ready.  Folded, near the stairs, to go up when I go up.  As well, I washed the clothes I want ready for tomorrow.  I have some t-shirts, long sleeved, to wear under any particular shirt I might wish to wear.  A few jackets were washed too.

Not even sure what days it is.  Thursday?  I'll... try to get in sooner, this week yet?  I'll... see what I can do.

I don't think I'll be able to stay up much longer.  It feels like my body is falling apart.  Oh, chin up, and all.  I won't scream.  I won't even cry.  I've... gotten beyond those things.  I do scream, a little, inside.  If mostly I have found a way to funnel this for the sake of others.  Believe or not, it works.  As well, I contemplate Christ on the cross.  His pains were much more severe.  The contrast lends a touch of willingness to attempt to be brave.

And, today is far from the worst I have known, even on recent accounts.  If... far from the best too.  Sleep will help.  I was just trying to... stay up... just a little longer.  And a little longer.  And a little... too long.

Dreaming, already.  A friend who... thought I was someone else.  I can't remember if she ever sorted it out.  Not sure she cared, or cared to sort it?  I didn't mind, this way or that.  Just didn't want to shake the boat.  Oh, you... probably have an idea.  She probably did too, though some are completely oblivious.  I still think ignorance must be absolute bliss, especially if the world autofills around you, even if it is fake and... well... not that kind of different, but another type of different?

If it all looks right, checks off the right boxes, and seems right, don't question it.  It's not just normies who play that game.  I've been blindsided many times.  Still am, sometimes.  What is it about that?  How can we still be suckers, being what we are, knowing better from a hundred, thousand, times?

If... you were such a type, wouldn't you... just be what she wanted you to be, in spite of who you were?  A lot more options, out there, this way.  I've never been sure.  It's somewhere being told to shut up and just perform, and... being honest, or true to yourself?  Though, does it matter if... in practical terms... it... really doesn't matter?

I'll never know.  Though... why complicate already seriously complicated things?

Though, I'd rather be a sucker than... see it coming, every time?  Maybe.  But?  What if I could be a stooge, and never see it?  Just... thinking.

Oh... was thinking about the Mary Magdalene vid, from the other day.  I realized, and He did too, that they were using me... not just as a target for indignant rage at... the feminine, the attractive, or such?  But, also as the scapegoat for their own... difficulties... with my type.

Jesus knew that this was His task.  I wasn't even worthy to be even a lowly scapegoat.  Interesting what all came from that short little dream.  Not that I understand.  Just, for a moment, I understood some thing, some aspect, some deeper moment of His intention.  By proximity, through the Holy Ghost, or other reason or reasons?  Spooky, those dreams.  Almost like standing on the sun, as a guest, but a tentative one?

More?  It really felt like He was in there.  The more times I have such close calls, the more I realize my lack of worthiness.  And... yet... like a moth to the flame?

If you wished to stone me, I wouldn't deny you.  I would pray for you.