Sleep was great last night.

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I woke with only some soreness. I not only turned the furnace off last night, I left the windows open. I got quite chill in the house, yet I was able to wake easily. And, as I said, I slept extremely well last night. I did some work yesterday, but it was of the light nature. Today I hope to dig in again. I thought, since I woke up well in spite of the cold, that I would be able to hop into action with that same cold. Even with a good long hot shower, I was unable to kick the machine over. It does not work that way. I have not been able to get going. So, I finally decided to close the windows and heat the cave a bit.

I would like to box (and bag, and bag the clothes already boxed, according to my lady friend) the last of the clothes, leaving only a skeleton of my clothing options which I will put in a suitcase when I move. I am not sure what to do with the lamps I have in the room. Or really, any of the lamps I have. Two are standing, three are table sized, one is mostly glass.

I have also been looking at tools and supplies which help in moving. The forearm forklift looks really good, moving skids look to be helpful, and I have a dolly/cart which can hold 300/600 pounds depending on how it is used. I need to do more research on some items, and figure out exactly what it is I want. I suspect a few ¾ or even 1 inch plywood planks could make really good small ramps. I would like to find some simple carts, like shop square carts, and something to put over the carpeting which would allow easier rolling. I need to find a safe way to move the mirror of the antique dresser, a padded custom box or something. There is a lot out there, but much of it is only so-so. Some of it is extremely expensive. Many of it will not really work. I could spend a small fortune figuring it out, something I do not really have. So, I think I will have to start stopping at hardware stores and talking to people who move, have moved themselves recently, and such. The internet will help, though actual personal conversations might be better. Research… if you want to do something right and fiscally responsibly, it is required.

I have the kitchen squared, for the most part. All the laundry, dirty clothes, clothes which had been cleaned but piled, blankets, and other items have all been cleaned, dried, sorted, and properly tended. Five boxes have been filled, with another three or four boxes of stuff ready to be boxed. About half the items have been sorted beyond that, and the room is nearing readiness for total cleaning. The idea is tantalizing. I have 10 days before my mother makes her appearance. I would guess I will need 3 days (maximum) to ensure the carpet dries. But I am hoping to have it done well before I hit the 3 day limit. So, I had better push on.

I had best start making calls to real estate agencies, as my emails have gone unheeded. Bit by bit. I ought to start making a list, though I fear how big that thing will really end up being. Yes, a list, I think. This blog is not enough to cover all the details. And, I am really using the blog to outline the move. Then again, I do not want to get too far ahead of myself until I am sure I have a place waiting. Drats and grumbles.

Oh, I do come down hard on academics, professionals, and even the church at times. I do this because the general sense from these groups is that what cannot be proved or disproved is all that is, or that we should all go along to get along (or worse, from the church). If the history of their own practices is not enough to prove such notions as simply wrong, or they cannot be bothered to know their or actual total history, then they fail as leaders. To believe their work, and the works of their colleagues, as genuine truth is more mistaken even then their disbelief in God or their inability to see, should they accept God, how God is involved with their chosen field, is a horrendous oversight. As leaders, they are expected to lead rightly. I come down hard on those I believe should know better. They cannot claim ignorance, they cannot claim they cannot see detail, they have no excuses. If they do not believe in God, fine in a way if it is sad for them, then they should understand that their area does not include religion nor does it include precluding anything they do not understand (does any particular engineer really understand the depths of linear algebra yet still believe in it?). I know many fine (even atheist and agnostic) scientists and professionals. But what makes them fine is they do not try to tell me that because they are good at physics, for example, that they know God does not exist, or that men are simply animals, as absolutes. Scientists have only, as a group, chosen to be agnostic for the last 50 to 100 years. Before that, they were almost all religious. It is a paradigm shift. Forgetting one’s parents, the church in this case, comes with puberty, not maturity. It is something all children come to regret. The wise ones, the good ones, the adult ones, go on to figure that out. That is all.

I have been doing something different, come to think of it. I have been drinking quart jars full of water and Gatorade, many of them, each day. I drink between 10 and 12 quarts of fluid a day. I have not been eating more, if more often in smaller quantities. I have not checked my weight, though I seem to have lost weight. I visit the men’s room frequently though. I know there is some risk to over drinking. And, drinking a half a quart at a sip might do that. Well, it seems to be working so I will not knock it. I have been doing that for about two and a half to three weeks. It seems to have started helping about a week and a half ago. Though really, it may just be the warming and lengthening of each day. I now drink very little if any soda on any given day. I had to get over the caffeine hangovers, but I think I slipped that, finally. I did not start for any particular reason, I just realized that no matter how much soda I drank, I was still thirsty. I have been thirsty for a long time, it seems. I just was not able to realize it, I was too busy trying to do what I was trying to do. I have to wonder how many other things I ignored. As I have said, I am only about half in this world. I guess it makes sense.

It is done.

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My super sekret agent did not get my message. She showed up anyway as she had a favor to ask of me. Talk about tricksie! (though I am not sure which one of us is that, both?) She needed some things I just happened to be trying to figure out how to expunge myself of. She wanted some large bins for soil, as she helps in an organic garden (more a small farm). How perfect. When I asked if she would help, she indeed did ask why and whatfor. I caved like a right proper mine in a horror story, and told her everything. I do not think she quite understood, or believed (she often does not), but when she saw my jaw set as it can, the bristles on the back of my neck stand up, and the fire in my eyes, I think she decided to help. No, it was not at her, it was at the thorn in my side and just from speaking about her. Funny thing, when she called, it was a different handler. And, he passed her right on to a supervisor without asking for all kinds of data. When I started talking to the supervisor, he asked for my data (though I know since it was my phone I was using, he had it up in front of him). I made it clear that I would not tolerate 9 calls being placed before the 1st of the month. I told him I would take the car back if this happened. He kept saying it was all ok, but that is what the dealership came back to me with and that was not enough. I dug and pressed until he indicated that I would not receive a phone call until the 1st of the month (after that, even I consider razzing calls as fair game). As well, they had to wait as long for payment as I had to endure harassing phone calls, this is tended. Though I still have a great deal of stress from this. I am physically as hot as an oven, an hour after the situation. So be it, it looks like, if they keep their bargain, I will be keeping my vehicle. It is good to have friends who understand, a bit.

Oh, she was quite pleased with what I have been doing. I showed her the results, and apparently, she can see the work. It still looks pretty raw to me. I told her how I had thought I might be able to kick that room out in a day or two, and though there were few signs from her, the slight curling at the edge of her lips helped me realize my hopes had been far beyond my (or anyone’s) capacity. That she just did not spurt out a few peals of laughter was due to her self-constraint and an attempt not to hurt my feelings too bad. Women… :P I gave her some money for lunch, breakfast, or brunch (if it is not Sunday) for her help (I had a disconnect problem, she stayed to make sure I would take care of this debt, knowing me as she does). She will be arriving tomorrow to do some laundry. I suggested she pick up whatever she wants for breakfast, and if need be, I will gladly cook it. And, I will pay for it. Hey, she is not charging me for her help, so food is the least I can do. And though I do not care for her style of food, nor even believe in “organic” in any way, as long as she does not arrive with tofu, I will allow her leeway. I will even admit when her taste in freshness is good, if the price is sky high.

I have done a couple loads of laundry, straightened the kitchen a bit more, and am finishing dishes (they are soaking in good hot water as we speak), and I have loaded a couple more boxes of clothes. I have pared down what I will be keeping for use, the rest is being boxed, one box at a time. My extra blankets have been folded and will be boxed with other blankets I am sure I will not be needing any time soon. I am trying to box clothes thematically. Winter woolens, snow pants, and such in this box; more general winter wear in this box, standard year around clothes in this box, and so on. A bit at a time, the room, closet, and drawers are being emptied into boxes which are being collected onto an ever growing mountain of storage vessels. As well, I am keeping up on daily tasks, and making headway on cleaning the cracks and crevices which might have been overlooked from time to time.

Dang, even if I have four flat tires, I seem to be able to go some distance. I have to move carefully. Overexertion will not do me any favors. But just waiting for the tow truck seemed to be as problematic. Now that I am mostly over pouting, or at least I am too busy to handle it, I am getting things done. I even find ways around the seemingly impossible (I would have taken the Xterra back rather than have talked to that woman again). Not bad for a cripple. I am feeling a bit burned out today though. I am not sure if it was the call, the days I have spent up and running, or the conglomerate, but I am done in. I will stay up, but I think I am going to go a bit slower today. I am not used to functioning, this has been a long pull, and I have a lot more to go. A few boxes, the dishes, a meal or two, and some straightening. I might do some sweeping and mopping too. But all at a leisurely pace, doing what I can without straining. Two more days, I think, and I will be able to get the bed, nightstand, dresser, and such out and clean the floor.

Have a great day! Once I come down off the fury cloud, I think I will too.

The order has been approved and is being processed in parts.

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What did I order? Well, in short, a computer with a few peripherals. The main machine is based on the Intel i7-940 processor (2.93 GHz), with 8 Gb RAM (DDR 3, 1,066 Mhz), 1 Tb hard drive (performance rather than data security), 1 Gb ATI Radeon video board, Blu-ray read/write and an extra read only drive, a 23” flat screen, a new all-in-one printer, copier, fax, scanner (with duplex), speakers, a headset, a power down surge protector (ups), and the cables and extras to have the thing running out of the box. I already have a router (corded) and software which should work security better since it is not yet (?) infected. I went with 64 bit Vista home, so as to cut off some of the means of access and want to access my machine. Will it help? Yes, for a while. I may turn the computer I have into a non-internet XP gaming platform. It will speed up the machine to take off all security works, to rework XP for gaming by undoing it’s own security works, and that will be that. I still have many games I enjoy playing which do not need the internet. In time, if I really want, after stripping the old computer and reworking it, I may think about adding a secure version of some OS in a switch deal, so that I can run Lenix on it as well as having XP for gaming. Lenix, Linux? Well, you know what I mean if you know what I mean. Hrm, that will be another project all on it’s own though. Far after the move would be my guess. Though the stripping down and retooling for gaming will happen pretty quickly. A little forethought in the process should make the Linux introduction a bit easier… probably. Oh, there are some other open systems which I might consider, in time. Linux, lenux?, is just the beginning of that whole world. There are much better, if the learning curve makes the Windows to Linux curve look downright simple. A man and his machines, only dogs are loved more, you know… Well, the wife overall, and children, but that is assumed, innit?

I had almost expected a call to make sure that I was the real owner of the card, that I indeed meant to buy this, and that every thing was right. I think they noted that I had been paying off the card in medium chunks and then yesterday took a large (and the last) chunk of debt on the card out. It took them 4 hours to approve the thing though, so… You can never tell why or whatfor any more. Take it in stride and take your time and it all works out, give or take. I am still a bit nervous. Though I have money and credit available, it is certainly less than what I had. But considering how dangerous the whole project was becoming, I really felt I had no choice. Hack my game? Meh, I’ll really hate it, but a game is a game. Hack my credit card account and you have my attention. It is a dangerous world. It will not be getting safer soon. And, I do have an AK, if only one. I will have two pay days by the time I move, and, like I said, I could have outright paid for this in cash and still, of course, can. I like to whine, and yes, I fret.

It is so interesting to watch a group of goals of various natures come together to weave a coherent front in the right direction. It does take a lot of work, some patience, a bit of guile, and some thinking but it is so worth it. It will be quite nice when this flock is in the bag though. The only thing I have left to do this evening is finish a few loads of laundry and to call my super sekret agent and see if she will beguile the beastess into letting me talk to a boss. Oh, I like that plan. Yes I do. She will want to know what I am up to, but agents, even super sekret agents, cannot always know whatabout this or that. Hehe Goodnight.

What about a skattering?

I see people do one or two of these, I wanted to see what a number of them grouped would show. I have my own notion of how accurate they seem, but I know that is not subjective. Only those who know me could say how accurate or inaccurate the grouping is. Oh, and I just took them and put them up. No practice, no picking and choosing, just as is, even if I do not like all the answers. ... Have you no shame? Well, yes, I just do not always know it... more or less. Ok, fine, I do not have much shame. *sigh* Yes, I need a wife. Maybe she can help. Or at least be embarrassed for me? And yes, I think it is all too funny.

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You Would Be a Upstanding Superhero

You are alert and observant. You can see through people easily. You know who's evil and who's good. You need a lot of freedom in your life. You like to do your own thing, and you don't fit into any normal mold. You understand people quite well and often know what others are thinking. Because of this, you can get people to do what you want. You are a shapeshifter who fits in with almost any group. You can get along with anyone. You're quite flexible. You are a true philosopher. You are thirsty for wisdom. You are trying to figure out the meaning of life.

What Kind of Superhero Would You Be?

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You Are a Cougar

You have more strength than most people, and with it, the ability to inflict a lot of harm. Your power gives you confidence, and you find leading others to be easy. You believe that you need to the best, and you are very driven to excel. Most people immediately admire you, but some people feel very envious of your abilities.

What Big Cat Are You?

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Your Soul is Searching

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, falling in love has never been easy. You can only fall for someone who is very patient and persistent.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

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You Are More Yin

Feminine Devoted Forgiving Fall Winter Afternoon Moon Time Passive Metal Honey

Are You More Yin or Yang?

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Your Taste in Music Says You're Wild

Your musical tastes are intense and rebellious. You are intelligent... but in a very unconventional way. You are curious about the world. You love doing something new. In fact, you enjoy taking risks and doing things most people would shy away from. You are very physical. It's likely that you're athletic, but not into team sports. You have the soul of an artist. Beauty and harmony are important to you.

What Does Your Taste in Music Say About You?

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Your Bed Says You Are Down to Earth

Outward appearances aren't important to you at all. You think that the over emphasis on looks to be shallow. You try to be an organized person, but you often fall behind. Certain parts of your life tend to fall into chaos. You are very high maintenance. You like everything a certain way, and you're grumpy if things aren't the way you like them. In relationships, you tend to be quite dominant. You enjoy taking charge. You tend to be a down to earth, practical person. You think in terms of what is actual. You are a traveler. You are comfortable anywhere, and you rarely feel homesick.

What Does Your Bed Say About You?

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Your Love Type: ENFJ

The Giver In love, you give your all and feel guilty when relationships fail. For you, sex is not separate from love and caring. Overall, you are humorous, giving, and motivational. However, you tend to be over-protective and critical of your partner. Best matches: INFP or ISFP

What's Your Love Type?

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Your Superpower Should Be Invisibility

You are stealth, complex, and creative. You never face problems head on. Instead, you rely on your craftiness to get your way. A mystery to others, you thrive on being a little misunderstood. You happily work behind the scenes... because there's nothing better than a sneak attack! Why you would be a good superhero: You're so sly, no one would notice... not even your best friends Your biggest problem as a superhero: Missing out on all of the glory that visible superheroes get

What Should Your Superpower Be?

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You Are Definitely Not a Hippie

In fact, you're so conservative, you make George Bush look like Jerry Garcia. You're not big on experimentation or alternative lifestyles. Fringe ideas tend to freak you out. You're pretty suspicious of hippies - or anyone who sympathizes with them. As hippies would say, you are the establishment. You're part of the system... and proud of it.

Are You a Hippie?

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You Are 55% Feminine, 45% Masculine

You are in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides. You're sensitive at the right times, but you don't let your emotions overwhelm you. You're not a eunuch, just the best of both genders.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

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Oh, and no worries. I have been getting plenty of work done too. If I keep getting the women I can no longer speak with when I try to call the car company, I am able to get other things done. Hrm, I might have to call in a special operative to help me deal with the company. Yes, it is better I think. When an unmovable object comes up against an irresistible force, the smart one wins. Yeah, I'll be fine.

One task sorted out. Only a couple dozen more to go?

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Yes, that is about right. I wanted to see if some local places offered a comparable computer for a similar price. Best Buy seems to only sell what the big companies cannot quite get rid of. The largest RAM offering, I think, was 3 where I want 8. The man I was dealing with after the girl gave up (she gave up before I even had time to ask a question) did not know if the 3 gig system could be upgraded or how much if so. Honestly, he had no clue. I finally just gave up and told him I would go online and look, but I already realized from talking to him that there will be nothing there. The little he did know was enough to convince me. The local company could offer me such a system, but not at a comparable price. They did have a 3 year free warrantee, which would have possibly brought them into competition, however they are not national, only serving Iowa and Illinois. Their warrantee would have been next to useless in Utah. Still, I like that I have a good computer build at a price that is hard to beat. On the down side, it will take about two weeks from the time of the order to get the machine. They offer express order, and I will check on that, but the machine as is runs pretty close to the financial line. I may see if there is a local outlet (such as a kiosk) for HP, barring that, I will order. This process is taking more time than what I thought it would, as usual.

I will be starting on laundry, place a few calls, and figure out what to do next. The bedroom is waiting, patiently. I have a few dishes to do. But really, I am looking forward to doing these things. It is nice to feel energetic, to have goals I can accomplish, to have things to do right before me as well as to have situations I must work with to find only eventual resolution. That may help me become and stay more active. Creating one’s own physical reasons to exist is difficult. Since I cannot follow the normal drum beat, therefore I am too difficult to work with, it is what I have left to me. I am not sure if I am without a master or unable to have a master, which leaves me as my own master. I suppose everyone has that to some degree. What is the term for it, ronin? Yes, something like that. There is, of course, God. But God does not quite have that deep of instruction. He offers more a way than the what. No, that is my job. Who knows, if I find a fine woman, perhaps she can help in this area at least to some degree. Just pointing out some things she would like, some tasks which would be good, and then leaving me alone to it, mostly. Well, I should quit mind wandering and get to some of this.

Ok, my list for today… find out if HP has a local outlet, call about the automobile, figure out which clothes will be going away, pack those items, and deliver them, do the few dishes I have, do three or four loads of laundry, do some sweeping and mopping, and probably place an order for my computer.

Oh, right. This morning I was so sore. It felt like I had ridden a horse all night, or for several days really, then got blackjacked. The headache is mostly gone. Tylenol works well. And, a very long very hot shower helped the leg and thigh muscles relax. I am still a bit sore but, whatever. Sometimes I am sore but so tired I do not even know. Though that might seem better, it is not. Oddly, I guess, what I am saying is that feeling sore is an improvement. *laughs* *ouch* Have a great day. If it hurts a bit, be glad you are aware. If it hurts a lot, quit doing what you did. :P

It seems I forgot to post this. But I do have an update.

After a bit of digging, I found the HP no longer has kiosks. I went online, looked over the order, then placed a call to their order department. I am glad I did, I had not added a monitor cord. I also added a 3 year in house warrantee, which I am not so sure about. It also means that I cannot tinker with the thing without voiding warrantee, I believe. In time, I might very well like to add a second hard drive. Having a super fast hard drive for the OS is a luxury. But since I spend a lot of time on the machine, I might as well have what I want. This thing should be fast enough, as is, however, for the time being. The order is placed. I am told, once everything goes through, the non-computer components should be shipping today. The computer itself will be completed by the 16th and will arrive no later than the end of next week. If I am lucky, it will be here earlier.

I called the automobile financing center. Guess who answers? Yes, the woman who has been such a pain in my side. Further, she refuses to allow me to speak with a supervisor with out first giving all the details. I hung up. I will try in a bit. All of these things are taking up much more time than I anticipated. Oh bother, it will all get done, in it’s own time, I suppose. Back to the list, after a load is in and some sorting has been done, I will try the financing center again. If this does not work, I will take the auto back. The bother.

An achy morning.

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I have been airing the house out the last few days, and it has been fantastic. As well, though I have been closing the windows, I have generally been leaving the windows open. Last night, however, I turned on the air conditioning. It was 71 F and would not drop below that. It was simply too hot, this time of year, for me to fall asleep. I woke up a little sore and achy this morning. I think, in my half awake state, I set the temp to 64 instead of 68. I am not sure the cold made me achy though, it is that I slept so very soundly. I did not roll enough, though that itself may have been to avoid to cold, I think it is just that I sleep much deeper in the cold. Still, I woke up at around 7:00. This is the… hrm, 4th or 5th day I woke up at a right proper time and went to bed at a reasonable hour, and all without naps (in spite of a few strong temptations). I am doing nothing to create this, and I am not pulling my hair out to maintain it. It seems to be a natural part of the ebb and flow of my situation, coupled perhaps with the lengthening and warming days. As I said before, I know not precisely wherefrom the wave arrives, I know only that I will ride the thing as far as it will take me, drop off on the beech for a hotdog, and then go seek another wave. Woot!

I checked the credit card. It has cleared. I have looked online for a computer that is suitable, and found one. I plan to look around town and see if I can find a similar model for less. I have 2 places to check. Whatever happens, I will be ordering a new machine today. It is a bit higher end, though not exactly the pinnacle. I am also buying a new printer with it, as I have some doubts about the printer I have. I believe even it has been hacked. It is the only peripheral which, when plugged back in after a complete wipe (or three) would reinfect the machine with whatever warts were plaguing it before the wipes. As well, it is not that much of an additional cost. None of the shops are open until 10:00, so I can probably get started on the bedroom. A bite to eat first, though, seems to help.

I made roast last night. Though it was ok, I overcooked it, to my tastes. It has been a while since I have done a roast, and I overcooked rather than undercooked the thing. I remember, now, the times I use. I did little else yesterday but that meal, a few dishes, and contemplation. I really wanted to keep working, but it is a special day, and yesterday was more special than most Sundays. And I do try to remember the Sabbath and to keep it holy, should I be at all capable of even realizing what day it is. My lady friend seems to have packed my bible and study books. So, I merely contemplated on certain aspects of the special day and the general idea of the Sabbath. This is not difficult, as I visual stories from the bible freely on any given day, when things are slow, I feel the need, or something else leads my thoughts to such activity.

Though I do not claim to understand things, I am a fundamentalist for the most part. Seven days, you ask? Well, what precisely does the bible say? Adam and Eve, two humans only, at the beginning you query? Again, what does the bible have to say? Is it mysterious? Yes. Does some of it seem to defy logic? Yes. But then, who would have thought God would have manifest Himself in flesh to be sacrificed for His creation’s failings? That defies all man’s reason. It so goes against what most men believe that modernists have to reject it outright since it is not self-centered. Such a non-humanist thing is so troublesome, the religion must be stamped out. So much so they even enter the churches and try to do it from the inside. They try to legislate against it, the judges that are seated are seated pretty much only if they are against it, the academics for the most part are only chosen if they reject it, and the world as a whole sees self sacrifice as an aberration, unless it includes killing innocent people in the “sacrifice”. Alright, I may be a bit bitter about the evil that is.

Back to work. I think the room will be completed in a day or two. Or, at least, that is my goal. It is not any one big job, or even three, it is a lot of little things, a bunch of decision making, a large amount of sorting by size shape and type, and many objects. I know not how to pack some things. Clothes, sure, lamps, odd sized tools or other objects, swords… Hrm, no clue. Thank God for women, usually. :p In any case, I can do what I can and try to pare the job down so that I can get help only where I need it. I am guessing a good quantity of stuff will be going away either today or tomorrow. I just cannot believe how much stuff one man can collect. Oh, I should find out if my lady friend would see if one of her seamstress lady friends is still taking odd jobs. The clothes that need repairs that are worth keeping are really worth keeping. Beyond generally fitting well, they are somewhat expensive. The value of the items will easily set off the cost of repair.

Well, I should get to it, or at least have breakfast. Another long day and lots of work are ahead of me. Good day.

I have to give thanks.

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When all seems bleak, prospects are surrendered momentarily or permanently, and all that I see is decades of uselessness, I change my focus from me to God. As my father, brother (from Christ’s own words), and Spirit or Ghost, I try to learn, obey, and when possible, emulate. Oh, to be certain, their shoes are far too big for me to fill. And often, when I put on those shoes, I feel every bit what a lad who dons his fathers footwear knows. I clomp around clumsily, and will fall without His helping hands. I know, though, that it brings Father no small joy and pride to see His boy trying to be like Him. I know He cannot wait until I can fill my own grown up shoes and begin being a man in truth. He must know I will go through growing pains of all sorts, He knows my doubts and real pains now through His son Jesus, our Christ. He knows temptation. That He still loves us is not due to our cuteness, potential, or such but to His surety and steadfastness.

Not always on this holiday, but more often perhaps in this time, I see myself as the group who condemned Christ, as Pontius Pilate, and even as the Legionnaire who nailed Christ to the cross. I know, in truth, despite the time, I have been each of those. My sins, even past His time of earthly death, were part of why He suffered and died. My voice has been and will be as those who asked that a murderer go free and that the Lamb be murdered, my choices have been and will be as that of the one with seeming power to change the outcome who instead washed his hands, as well, my hands have been as the ignorant hands that bruised, whipped, and flayed His flesh, then added a thorny crown, and finally pierced His hands and side. I have no doubts that in thought or deed, I have played those roles. Even as I bow to Christ now, I know I sin against Him, try as I do to follow Him. I know my sins, and well. Whatsoever you do to these, the least, you do also to me. If not an accurate quote, the words are there, as are their meanings. And, in them, my failings.

I offer these to Christ, that His suffering may not be lost. I cry bitter tears over them until He releases me of their grasp. The more that is done, the more I lose little bits of the grasp this flesh holds over me. The closer I get to God, the further I get from man and the world as it is. But also, the more I see men as they should be. Our flaws are difficult for me not to see, but the more I turn to God, the less of these I see, in some ways. Some sins cannot be looked past though. Abortion, other forms of genocide, and legalized lies are among the things I cannot but see and know. Somewhere in them is the sin against the Holy Spirit.

I live in a world that seems to be turning away from God so as to enjoy one or all of those things. I can talk, vote (or not, as may be just as necessary… though I worry that not voting is washing my hands? or is it voting that does so?), and write about what I see, sense, feel, and how I am guided. But I have no real power to change anything or anyone other than myself. And, I know, no matter if the whole world, save me, turned their backs on God, it would not hurt God except as it would hurt the father of recalcitrant children.

Though there is dark imagery, there is light too, more than what the finest sunglasses could assuage. Nor would I wish to wear a pair of sunglasses, even should they work. Some light was meant to be seen and experienced in all ways. This light will only hurt those who wish for shadows in which to carry on in selfish and evil ways. I certainly have known those shadowy ways, and I have given them up to the point I am able. I am ready to stand before the light of Christ and be or become a reflection of that light to the loss of whatever in me is not willing or able to do that. I am quite ready to embrace all that God wants from me and all that he hopes from me. Of course, I am ready only because of Jesus. The brutality, pain, and death though intense, leads through the dark tunnel of life as we know it to light life and love as we cannot imagine. It is so odd how the greatest sin of all time, filtered through God, becomes the greatest act of love men will ever know.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind, and they do so often, not just on this celebration. I will leave off here with the hope that these same thoughts flit through your minds, open your hearts, lift your spirits, and allow you a sorrowful (for the moment) joy that cannot be fully expressed, or realized here, or yet. I hope this Easter, and each day, brings you closer to God, to each other, and to real love.

Work goes on.

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But not today, the work is over until Monday. I have done a great deal of work, if it does not look like it on the surface. A piece at a time, clothes are being sorted, packed, or washed and put away… or considered. Guns, ammunition, camping equipment, and various other items are being sorted. And the house is getting a touch here and there. I even went out to check my accounts and wash my vehicle. I wanted to see if I had enough money to clear my debts and take on a new one, for a computer. I realize if I want some things to happen, I will need to have a secure computer before I move. Though I want more guns, being secure business wise and for personal reasons is vital. The reason for this is that while checking one of my credit card accounts, I had to really work to get my password to work. Beyond that, I found that some of my contact information had been changed. For example, the email address was changed to an AOL account. I do not have an AOL account. This insecurity is becoming dangerous. I believe I will be able to do get a computer. It does tighten finances a great deal, and puts a card out of commission, but at this point in time choices are more slim than dollars.

I will be ready for bed when I can relax enough to sleep. I will hang up or fold the laundry in the dryer, dry the clothes in the washer and hang or fold those, and maybe take care of the dishes from today. It is so good to be busy and successful. Hmm, I might even have some time for my game. Maybe not, I am getting tired. So many things yet to do, so many calls to place, and so many loose ends. Things on my buy list are growing and my dollars are shrinking. I have faith it will all work out well enough, though. I think I can do this and in a timely, practical, and sane fashion. I have to try and keep on track, keep my head about me (especially regarding money), and take things as they come.

I hope you are able to take care of your own situations, complications, and such. I have to believe faith, if one can hold onto it, is instrumental. Hope is right there with it. And, I think, love in the deeper sense ties it all together nicely. Well, that is all I have to offer, when I remember to offer it, to you and to what must be done. I think it is enough. Done right, it is all that is required.

Good night.

Lots of work.

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The work is larger than my thoughts could have imagined. There is no way I will finish by today. There are more things to think about, more little pieces to deal with, and more actual labor than what I had imagined. I am doing extra things without skipping a beat, though. It only takes a few minutes to put a load of laundry in, or take a little break and do a bit of cleaning here or there. I did not become distracted when I realized how big and complex the job is going to end up being, either. That surprised me a bit. I know, now, I will be able to make my Mom’s visit comfortable and easy. Hopefully she can just be the brain, or at least see that things are going well enough that she will only do light labor. She is a workaholic and even physical problems do not seem to slow her down when she sets her mind to something. Still, I would like to surprise her and keep her stay simple.

I got the spots out! Yes, I suppose some of you know the trick, or think nothing of it. But spots have been my bane for some time. I may have figured out how to deal with spots, finally, as well. Spot treat, wash two or three times (in cold water), then tumble dry and check. Rinse and repeat as necessary. It is not that I tried to get spots out, it is only that I have learned to notice and hate them. As well, I have a load in the washer and dryer, and several loads in waiting. Much of it was clean, but I had not been folding and hanging things up properly, so I am rewashing them.

Piece by piece, an item at a time, the room is coming together. It looks worse now than it did to begin with, but that seems to often be the case. It peaked in it’s cluttered look about an hour ago, it can only get better from here on, if with a backstep or two from time to time in the process. I truly enjoy this. I will sleep so well in that room when this is done. I would like to have that feeling in each room as I finish each one. It is sort of like blessing each room, giving my thought and muscle and mind to creating order. I really hope I can do this more in the next place I live, or more often I should say. One of the things I will do, any place I move, is try to set up my place with an eye to ease of strip cleaning rooms. I will also have a few pieces of equipment which will help move furniture and other large items. I have a few tools for that, but I am looking for more tools.

My mother called this morning. It seems she did the same thing I did yesterday, airing her house and leaving the furnace off only to wake to a chilly house. We were both in very good moods and the conversation was very uplifting for both of us, pushing us on to even better days. I hope she looks more forward to the visit knowing I am working as I am. She will not need to be as much of a task master or work so hard, or that is the plan. Though, knowing me as both of us do, neither of us is holding our breath if we are also both a bit more hopeful.

Bit by bit, one job, topic, object, and action at a time. I guess that is life, with or without the more complicated aspects of life like moving. But moving and such does add to that. I best make a call or three Monday or Tuesday regarding finding a rental, my auto, and finding a rug cleaner. Hopefully I can keep this up for a week or two. Have a good day.

I am on a roll.

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Two days of function is not actually a roll. But that is not the point. I awoke at about 8:30 this morning. And though it was rather cool, 62 F, I merely checked that the windows were closed and then turned on the furnace. I had aired the house yesterday. It was a nice touch and it did not fall below 68 F until after I went to bed. I did close the windows last night before I went to bed but I did not turn on the furnace. The fresh air was very nice, I will do that again today if it gets warm enough. After an hour of waking, eating, and checking my email, I finally felt ready.

I began working in the bedroom. I am simply sorting clothes at the moment. Keepers, a repair pile, and that which will be given away. Some things are borderline. I despise having to think about things, wishing it was all crystal clear. More than one teacher has indicated that it is all in the details. Stupid teachers, bother that they can be right! I may have the room figured out by this evening, but being that it is a holiday weekend and that I will not work on Sunday, dismantling the bed, washing the walls, and wet cleaning the carpet will wait until the next business day. I think it will be ready when it is time. I should be able to hit the hallway while I am at it. Though it would be nice to get the front room as well, I do not think that is possible. I only have the necessary space to vacate one room at a time.

I cannot be sure my surge will last. As a surfer knows though, when the wave hits, ride it for what it is worth. I will do the laundry one last time this morning, thaw a roast for supper tomorrow, and detail the kitchen and bathroom, along with my work in the bedroom. Tomorrow, my roast beef dinner or late lunch will be a much deserved treat. I will eat it in a neat place, well aired out, and with fewer worries plaguing my mind. I will eat it having worked toward my goals. And, I will be thankful.

Oh, sorry about the dull posts. It is all I have to offer, at the moment. Though I am able to function, I still suffer a bit from exhaustion. That I am able to work through it does not mean I am fully able to override it. My blogging is more to keep me on track, give me an outlet, allow me to order things a bit, and as a personal incentive to keep going. Getting rid of witnesses might be a thought, but what if one is one’s own witness? Meh, I’ll get him too. :p

A very long and fruitful day.

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Though I woke up, napped, and re-awoke, I did finally start my day at about 6:30… I think. No, it must have been a bit earlier, as I took my lady friend to breakfast… Perhaps 5:00 or 5:30 was the final wake up time. Or, was that yesterday. It is so late I am unsure, though both could technically be true. I did make it to my favorite cooking supply store. They did not have what I was looking for, but they had some fantastic prices on Le Creuset. Too bad I am broke for anything but what I am looking for. Though I do not think they had the sizes in the type of cookware I am looking for anyway. They do not carry blenders at all, so I am stuck with internet ordering. I have learned to call and ensure the items are available. It has taken several, many, months to get orders otherwise. I did not complete my research, regarding a gift, as I was so tired that I lost track of my objectives toward the end. It is nothing that cannot be remedied.

I went to one of my favorite smoker, a barbecue place, and ordered a beef brisket sandwich. I asked for one with a little more fat. Do you realize some people want their beef lean to the exclusion of even the appearance of fat! Ha! Though my blood pressure and diabetes seem to be a problem, my cholesterol is fantastic and my good cholesterol is divine. In spite of (according to doctors, but I think it is actually because) I drink 2 gallons of whole milk, a pound (or more) of butter (no light gunk), and as much beef, pork, and whatnot meats (to include the fat) as I can each week. A whole large chuck roast is a three meal deal for me. Add in potatoes (with butter and sour cream), some green vegetable (with butter), and a quart of milk, and… yeah, that is a meal. The only reason I am not 400 pounds is dirty dishes. *sigh* I long to gain that extra meal time. Well, truth be told, I eat more like a snake, once in a while that is. I just eat, well when I eat, no set meal times and such. Miss a day, fine, miss two days, I get a little grumbly, miss three days not on your life. Back to it. I also ordered a pulled pork sandwich for later consumption. I should have ordered two of each but I was well satisfied with what was ordered and eaten so that is all good.

My rifle was in. It is safe and sound here in the cave. It is not much of a looker. I just hope it functions well in any case. I will have to see how well it does work before too long. I do not think I would order another of this type though, assuming it functions well, I do not mind having one like it. It is a bit more maneuverable, lighter, and certain aspects about it are a bit heartier. I had a great conversation with the guys at the shop. It was worth just stopping in. I also noted that they carry new and used firearms as well. I had not been there before. They had two Springfield tactical (5” barreled) XD’s in .45 acp. They both had desert coloration. I want a black tactical, or I would have seriously considered picking one up. I did not go near their rifle rack. I have to keep on track. A pistol, maybe, a good rifle… out of my range. It hurts to look at what I cannot yet have.

I always enjoy a visit to the neighbors. The talks are good. I enjoy their children, even if they are usually shooed downstairs or to bed so the adults may talk and enjoy some peer time. I think they are mostly children oriented, so a little company provides a sanity check and personal relation nourishment. I feel like a part of the family and just really revel in it. I brought a drink mix (non-alcoholic) and they bought a cake and had ice cream. It was just fun. We also watched a movie. I was able, for the most part, to be quiet and just watch. Maybe I am becoming better able to hold my tongue. It is not all that bad of a thing, I am thinking. We will have to grill, go fishing, or something soon. Yes, that would be good.

This is the longest day I have enjoyed in a month, maybe more! I got much done. I even called the auto company but they are closed for the holiday. Oh, and I finished the final wash, but I think I will wash the shirts again in the morning. Those stains really annoy me. There was something else I completed today as well, something on my recent to-do list. As it is getting late, my mind is slowly shutting down and details are becoming lost in the haze. I hope to get started on my bedroom tomorrow, if I am not paying too high of a price for today. Only time will tell. I would really like to rip the room apart, pull everything out, and steam clean the whole area, and have it dried, some things packed, sorted, washed, or given to Goodwill before my mother arrives. Or, really, maybe before the weekend is finished. We will see. It will be done as soon as I can.

Goodnight.

Phone calls and more.

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I finally made a few phone calls regarding the vehicle. I have not yet received precise enough dialogue to get me to pay the bill. One more call, today, and the decision will be made. Either the vehicle goes back or certain parameters are maintained. I do not wish to pay the large amount if the vehicle will be going back in a week or two because phone calls start coming in again. I could use that money for other things, certainly. I like the vehicle. I do not like it that much.

The house is slowly coming together. My lady friend will not be stopping by this week. She is getting behind and dropping fast. I do not think the sleep apnea device is working as well as it first did or she is not using it. She is still quite tired most of the time, if she is able to work and gets some things done aside from the mandatory items. I snuck up on her though, this morning. I woke up feeling rested and ready. Even if she had not, but partially because she had, brought me breakfast the other day, I thought to show up where she works as she was getting off and offer her breakfast. She had been planning on going to breakfast so it worked out. At least I was out of the house a bit, of my own volition, on my own initiative this week. With her not coming over, I feel like I can dig in on my own. Beside tidying the kitchen and clearing out the bedroom a bit, I have some specific goals for this coming weekend. Yes indeed.

She wanted to read her paper over breakfast, but felt odd about it. I assured her that it was fine. I only wanted to be near someone, I was not interested in conversation. She did go ahead and read, if she was surprised… perhaps worried, too. I am almost never able to keep silence. Today, I said so little as to almost not have been there. And, to some degree, I was not. I am already gone. I am used to this, it happens every time I ghost, I am not sure if she is ready for that. I am ready to just be quiet for a long time, to rest, and to think… of nothing in particular. Maybe I will find myself out and about in the woods, on a river or lake fishing, climbing a tree or cliff, or at a range. Perhaps my interest in physics, calculus, electricity and it’s doings, statistics, languages, or some other pursuit will find me at studies. I do not know, though I have some doubts. As long as I am comfortable and relatively safe, with personal legal recourse should it be required, I will be fine.

I finished up my grocery shopping after breakfast. There are always a few things that do not make it to the note or which I forget anyway. I need to be out and about for something else today, the rifle (and to take a tea jar (leaks) back). I might have lunch while I am out, and look around my favorite cooking supply store as well. I would like to find a solid, long term, gallon sized (maybe larger), iced tea jar, or two. And, I have decided to get a few going away presents for some friends. I will do some investigating tonight, perhaps. More on that later. I have a specific item in mind for two different people. I have dug into the ins and outs of the particular item and have found a suitably handsome, top rated (by function, though form is not missing), subject for the gifts. Now to see if it is still needed. The other gift is from my personal collection, and I believe it will be appreciated while I am doubly assured it is unique.

Well, time to make some calls, figure out where to go first, then when, and to get going. Oh, and a batch of shirts are getting (hopefully) the spots washed out of them. I am going to wash them all three times, one time down, in cold, spot treating between washes if I can find the spots, and then into the drier they will go. I will fuss only so much and then I will quit. Perhaps I ought to buy another shirt or three. This time, I think, 100% cotton. Poly-cotton has it’s advantages, stain removal is not among them. Good day.

It seems as if all is well.

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My friend came by this morning. She wanted to finish up some of her laundry. It seems there is no problem, so either she got over it or she was never really upset. Though she did call, when she arrived, she saw that the lights were not on so she did not even bother ringing the doorbell or knocking on my window. I have mixed feelings about this, though I think she did the best thing. I might have been quite difficult to wake up. And, as for how I feel about it, I do not worry so long as she is not upset. I deal with my feelings quite well, I do not deal with angering the few friends I have well at all. I am stable, if a bit vulnerable. Hmm, maybe not even that, not quite directly. Friends who have given up just become sad memories. Now, those, I have too many of those already. They haunt me in dreams and during those half awake times.

I finished off the last of the dishes, then made more. Now that meat is back on the menu, boys, I am eating it! Beef and beans for burritos last night and this morning, a thick cut ribeye for lunch, and I am thawing brawts as I speak. I am thinking about practicing meatballs for a good spaghetti meal. I could use pork and beef, mixed with a nice blend of herbs and spices, but I like my beef too much. I hate the idea of adulterating the meat with things like eggs and bread crumbs, but I am curious. Food, good home-made, hot out of the oven, out of the pan, or whatever, is one of my few practical applications and joys. And even the Q.O.D. admits that even when I cook foods which are not to her standards, I cook well enough that even she enjoys it… if she can relax and trust me. Oh, not only was she not angry, she brought over breakfast! She really is sweet often, or, urhm, occasionally. Hehehe

I still have not called, but I am running out of day. I really needed to nap earlier, but then the Q.O.D. arrived. I stay up to enjoy the little company I get. We watched a show, she usually brings over DVDs. Today it was a teen chic flick based around vampirism. I cannot quite remember the name of it, but I guess it is the ‘rage’. It really was not all that bad, but… vegetarian vampires (only ate animals)? Come on! Oh well, it was good enough. And, for the most part, I was able to keep quiet and just enjoy (mostly) it. She has a few things with spots, and asked if I would do it with wash I have. Of course, she had special instructions. Use her (unscented) laundry detergent, I can do that. Use cold water, check. And something else. Hey, 2 out of 3 is as good as it gets. I have some matching shirts, so I will wash all two or three times in the hopes of lifting the spots out of all the shirts. Well, later.

It is nap time, seriously, harshly. Eyes are watering, getting a headache, and it really hurts. Good day, night, whatever.

A bit more homework.

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I have not yet heard from my friend. Perhaps she is really upset. I called again yesterday. It is the last time I will call about the matter. I also did not make the call to the dealership. I do need to make that call, and I am pretty sure it will be done today. I did finish up the kitchen, cleaning all of the dishes there, though cooking and eating, so another pile of dishes is starting. Meh, I have them soaking now so I think they will be done before much longer this morning. As well, my eye has been wandering around the cave. I am being careful with that wandering, but I think the kitchen and bathroom will get mopped, the bedroom will get a rough touch, some laundry will find itself being washed and dried, and the bedding will be cleaned and the bed made. I do not mind having clean bedding, but I hate a made bed… preferring to burrow in blankets and pillows and the comforter. Although, with the blanket my mother made, I might be able to tolerate the rest of the bed being made, with just that blanket and a comforter or lighter other topper for when it is cold or when I feel the need to feel more secure while sleeping.

My rifle should be arriving soon. Since I will need to go out, I will finish up some of my final grocery shopping. I am, unusually, hungry for chicken. I prefer hindquarters, roasted, along with some vegetables. I have not had steamed fresh spinach for some time. I doubt if I can find good squash, but that would be my preferred second vegetable. Lamb is also on my mind. Then again, I have been without meat, for the most part, recently, as I have been unable to get out and shop. I just purchased a ribeye roast, and had it cut to order. Half of it is 1 ¼ half of it 1 ½ inch. And, 10 pounds of ground chuck plus 2 large chuck roasts. Those are my basic meats. Shrimp (jumbo), lamb chops or roasts, chicken hindquarters, and either tilapia or orange roughy round out my very static preferred meats (hey, fish are meat, call it seafood if you will, I call it meat).

As to packing, I think once my room is in a bit better order, I will start there. I suspect many things will be disappeared. I have little interest in moving everything here. Some clothes need to go away. I suppose I could try to find a seamstress to repair a few things, my lady friend has a friend or three who do that. And, some of the clothes are worth the repair costs. But about half or more of what I have in the clothing department simply need to go away. Either size, wear, or dysfunction make them useless. As well, there are bits and pieces of things that are no longer worth keeping. Some things can be given away, like a paintball gun. I will have to see if the neighbor wants his sons to have such things or not. In any case, someone would want some of these things. Lots of stuff, no current interest, yeah, I will be getting rid of things.

I need to figure out how to overcome my exhaustion, however. My last sleep cycle was from 15:30 to 1:30. That after a great deal of sleep the day before. And nearly as much the day before. I have fought sleeping as much as I am able, but when the mind becomes too sluggish to do simple tasks, the eyes burn, and the pain becomes too great, I cede the field. Caffeine has little affect, perhaps adding an hour per pot of coffee, working only for a few hours. Then again, with those hours comes nausea and a greater sleep time. These phases come and go, this latest phase has been in play for 2 or 3 weeks now. I can never tell how long these phases will last. Though stress does not create the phase, it may deepen and perhaps extend it. That is why I cannot have some nag call me 15 times in three weeks. I just try to keep my life as simple as possible for certain topics, such as finances, shopping, and few others.

I may need to sleep, but I think I will try to push it a few hours to wait for a call. Oh, I need to get the trash out too. A few more hours awake are necessary. What a drag, but… Have a good day.

I slept, she steamed.

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I got much of what I wanted done finished yesterday. After sleeping 12 to 14 hours, then waking for a few, and then napping a few more hours and finally feeling rested, I got busy yesterday. I got a haircut and my beard is now trimmed. I could almost pass for a gentleman! I went shopping, picking up most of what I think I will need for my needs and a few wants for some time to come. I then did some house cleaning, if I did not complete that. Then again, do you ever really have your abode as clean as you like it or want it? Well, fine, so I am not even close, so I will not go further with my procrastination speech. I did not, however, make the call. I was tired, again, and thought I would take a nap at about 15:30, only 7 hours after I awoke for the second time.

I thought I would only need a short nap after all that sleep. And, I had my cell phone on the bedstand. The phone ALWAYS wakes me up, often even if it is in the front room. And yet, it did not wake me. I did not wake when my lady friend called to let me know she was arriving. So, she went hungry. I did not wake until 0:30 hours, or so. Even then, I needed more sleep, so after being awake a bit, I went back to bed until 6:30 or so. I think. It is becoming difficult to be sure of anything at the moment.

I guess I will just have to become adjusted to putting up with my infirmity and people are just going to have to understand that my flesh has failed, all but completely in death. I cannot give my word, only that if I am able I will. Well, it really is time for a nap. I have put it off as long as I can stand it, but sleep calls.

Oh, never worry. In spite of these things, I think I will find some small life. A life I enjoy. In a place where I will be less likely to have to worry so much about the neighbors. In a place where mountains, deserts, rivers, and lakes are all near. I will find times to do some things I enjoy. I will find things which challenge me and help me grow. I might even find love. Just because I am down, physically, I will never give up (for long anyway) on the joy I find in this gift called life. I will never claim to understand it all, but I have never found the need. So, if your life is a little down, when you are finished pouting, shouting, crying, or laughing, remember to roll your sleeves back up and start digging in where you can. I will join you, at least, when I wake up. :P

I called my lady friend, and explained today. I only got her answer service, so I do not know just how angry she is. Bother, but she usually gets over things in her time and figures out something exotic (and expensive) to make up for it. *sigh* I would guess it will be a meal ($70 to $100) at her favorite eatery. Or a trip and a couple of meals, at least one being expensive. Meh, it is part and parcel the business of friendship I suppose. Hmm, maybe she will just have me cook a little more? I like that last almost as well as the trips and only slightly less than the fancy dining. ( O.o ) Do not tell her I said that.

Not much happening, but a report anyway.

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I spoke with my mother this morning. It looks like she will not be coming until the last weekend of the month. That is fine, it is good to know. And, it gives me a little time to try and get more on the ball. My sleep is sporadic, sometimes the exhaustion demands 14 hours of sleep, some times only a few hours. I push against it when I can. But when the eyes burn and I cannot think, remember, and life is excessively painful, I retreat to the bedroom and try to get what little rest sleep offers. I am hoping with more sunlight and warmer temps, I can sort things out a bit better. I would really like to have some more packing done and the cave spiffy for her visit. I hate having her see the need to clean while she is here. However, and again, I think that is something mothers do. Still, it would be nice, as I have once in a while done in the past, to make her have to search for the work. :P

I will get some things in the larder so that her stay is not a hungry one. I keep thinking of home-made potato soup, maybe with ham; a roasted herbed chicken, and perhaps asparagus for a starter. Then maybe some fried cheese and ham or turkey sandwiches, with a good (as home-made as can be) tomato soup; and then perhaps a really nice (real) crab meat salad. All are easy enough meals for me, even as is at the moment. I am sure she will want to do some cooking herself, so I will not plan much further. However, I will try to have plenty in stock for her to be creative. She does not really like me cooking for her. I do things differently, I am messy in my ways, and I am her son (think boy = should not cook). Yes, ladies, women can be just as sexist. Which bothers US not a whit. …again… :P

Well, I did not rest well after sleeping a good bit yesterday and last night. I woke, anyway, at about 3:00 or 4:00. I stayed up until I just could not stand it until about 6:20 or so (give or take, I cannot be completely accurate when in that much of an exhausted state). However, after only a few hours of sleep or less, I arose sometime in the 8th hour, refreshed and comfortable. I did some tinkering in my game, and successfully complete one round of missions/quests, then started another, of which I went half way through. I then contacted the game company about access difficulties, or sent a reply to their reply to my query. It takes time and information exchanges for these things. I then decided it is time for a shave and haircut. I had tried to get these previously, but my barber (highly unusually) was gone both times. As I do not get out often, and my schedule makes it so that I might be up late at night, or any time really, plus that no matter the time, I may not be fit to leave, this chore has remained undone. So, today, I will prepare to see if he is there or not, again. If not this time, I will have to find another barber. Ackh! The problem with that is that many of them require appointments. I do not do those well, especially now.

My rifle is on the way! I am so excited. Oh, I know, it will sit somewhere and, even in a case, draw dust. That I have it is almost enough. I will need ammunition or the psychological comfort of having it will be nil. I have enough magazines for it, and a reloader able to reload that particular ammo, so I am getting closer to preparedness. I will have to insure that the ammunition I buy for it is reloadable (and plentiful as for the moment, reloading supplies are not available). Still, that will offer brass, as a starter. I wonder if the fear of the state is driving brass supplies into high tide? It has to be. I then wonder how many other such items are becoming excessively scarce, pricey, and horded. Never mind, one thing at a time, and this is one of the bigger things.

Oh, the “lady” from the car company is driving me to distraction. She has called 8 or 9 times in the last two weeks. I have hung up on her once, rarely take the calls, and am going to call my dealership today and have them either set the thing right or take the vehicle back. I will not be harassed, I cannot take the stress. She will either call me (preferably) a few business days before the 1st, and then again only if I have not paid by the 5th. She will include all pertinent contact and payment information, and she will leave it in a message (I will not talk to her again). If she and or they cannot comply, they will get the vehicle back. I figure If I save like I am paying, I can buy a new one in about 3 years, no bills. Yeah, I would be missing a vehicle. Though I am pretty sure I can more easily handle a junker than the stress.

Several things on the plate today. Nothing fancy or difficult, technically. Still, staying on track, adding in some shopping and cleaning, and I am running well beyond what I have been able to do for a while now. I will try to get it all in. It is noon now, so I have the time… again… technically. Go… go… go…

Gone…

Oops, my lady friend just called. We had pizza for lunch the other day, and I special ordered it. I think I hit her sweet spot, food wise (I do not tinker with any of the others, ha, naughty minds... I really am celibate for good or ill). So, she asked if I could do that again. I said I could swing for it, but no promises as much as she moves (or her appetite and preferences anyway). So, I will have a guest for dinner. Hrm, more motive to get a bit of cleaning into my list. (I said I was celibate, I did not say I never think about it. Oh hush.)

Now gone...

The dreams seem to have passed.

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My body heals from the soreness. But exhaustion plagues me, and in the worst of ways. I seem to be able to function well enough, I just cannot do much due to the severe exhaustion. It seems, to me, like I suffering a disconnect with reality, like walking through a mental fog. However, I am able to do intellectual and physical activities and the results are good. My lady friend does not seem to notice that I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am able to do the most difficult things in the games I play (and yes, some of them are quite intellectually and logically demanding). I do not understand and I probably never will. I am sure others share my curse, but what use seeking others who have lost their earthly connections?

My mother will be arriving, she believes, in a week or so. She will be seeking a diagnosis for a difficulty, an infirmity, of her own. It seems her knuckles are swollen, she aches everywhere, and she too is now perpetually exhausted. They suspect she has rheumatoid arthritis. I do not believe that is at all curable and only slightly treatable. I am not sure if to hope that is what it is, so that there might be some help, or to hope it is something else curable or more treatable. I guess we get what we get and just deal with it. I do not expect much from her, and will try more to just allow her to have a comfortable place to stay while she is here. I will just have to hope I find away out of the fog and exhaustion long enough to get things done on my own, the rest of it anyway. I have to find a way to snap out of it.

If it is not much, I am able to do amazing things in the game I play. Defeating all the campaigns in a few weeks on a newly created character (campaigns are other games, full length (mostly), added to the original game). The game I play has 2 complete campaigns, plus the original game, and a shorter (if much harder) additional campaign (so, 4 campaigns, if that first is as clear as mud). I gained all of the elite skills and spells in five days, and I play in hard mode, including most missions, with only heroes and henchmen. I know the game quite well now, if there really is too much to know completely and all at once. I learn new things seemingly daily. Though it would seem that you could make friends in-game, the truth is because people are at such different levels of play ability, play at different times, and such, that is not quite as easy as it seems. Still, I know a few people, and am meeting a few more, if more than a few words occasionally is all that it yields. It beats being completely isolated.

The AK-47 I ordered is on it’s way. It should be here soon. I will have to go to the FFL and show my license to buy, and I will be set. I will pay it off this month. I think I will have to go without any purchases until a month or two after the move however, after this. That should give me enough to move, move-in, eat, and pay deposits, turn-on fees, and probably still be in good shape to begin saving for a new computer. I am hoping that two or three months after I am moved in, I can outright buy a new rig. Though, depending on how fast the communists implement their anti-gun crap, I might have to go for guns first. Another AK, another .45, and a .308 are on the list. They are all things that may be banned. I have enough magazines for 2, maybe even 3, AK’s, but I need more for the .45’s. And, of course, there is the ammo thing. Reloading supplies are a bust, so it will be expensive. I hate having to watch everything I do because of fear of the government.

I think it is nap time again. I seem to be gasping for sleep as soon as I wake up and dream of sleeping while I am “asleep”. I just cannot get sleep. It so reminds me of being in the river and wanting nothing but air. Instead of minutes, it is days and weeks and months and years I spend needing. I dream while I am awake, if I have learned to deal with that somewhat. I think most people who have this go absolutely mad. And, I understand that. I have just chosen not to let go, I have found things and people to anchor me. As tired as I am I cannot let go, will not, even when it seems the only thing to do or impossible not to let go. So, here I am, writing about it. Yeah, nap time. See you in a few.

Dreams… And other stuff.

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Many dreams, all over the place. I can still only sleep 4-6 hours at a time and I can only stay up about the same. I really think it is the number or intensity, maybe both of those aspects, of my dreams. I kill people, I save some, and I get the hurts that come with it. Those hurts carry right on in to real life. It is brutal. My ribs hurt. My legs and arms are muscularly sore. And I can do nothing to change them. They come and go. I suspect they are part of the reason I am so exhausted. It happened even when I was working out, when the meds worked, and when everything is going well. I am tight, hard, and mean, physically, at least or perhaps in spite of the condition I am in. I was made for war, this stuff just helps keep me ready, give or take.

I was talking to an Irish friend this evening. Some things, many things, he just does not understand. That we devalued our dollar so as to crush China’s (and Iran’s) economic hold on us, only became functional visible to him after a little discussion. He does not understand that war is not always waged on battle fields. He does not understand that Iraq was only a minor aspect of the combat we have been waging. Nor does he, even now, understand the importance of that, if minor, act. He is a typical Euro, against America and almost anything (except Obama’s election) we do. I asked him if he would approve a communist muslim coming to his lead office. He said it would never happen. I said, once the world bowed to socialism, a world order socialism, they would shove the same crap onto his plate that they have shoved onto mine, he did not like it. We will see. Now that we have fallen, they will do whatever they want, worldwide. Most of it will be repulsive to most people.

After five days of the furnace and air conditioning not responding to the thermostat, I had finally had enough. I called my landlord Saturday. He made a call and had someone in this morning at 9:15. It was the same man who has been trying to deal with this difficulty for a while now. He decided to change out the control board, as he has seen this before and the same fix worked there too. I hope it works as temperature control is vital. I also discussed the fact that my water bill has tripled since last year, before the leak. The neighbors, I think, are the problem. My increase began when they moved in. With 4 people living there, they are only using (according to the water department) 27% more water than I am. I am being robbed, somehow. It will be my landlord’s problem when I move. He knows what the problem is, I can tell by his query to the waterworks. Socialism sucks, it is robbery, taking without asking, without consequence, and without recourse.

For sure, I will never move into an apartment or a duplex again. I have been looking for a single home, in a general area, and am having trouble finding what I want in the price range I would like. I briefly considered moving in with my mother, and then tossed that out immediately. She would kill me in six months. I do not mind dying, but I have parameters. I will not deal with the irrationalism of a mean woman, that will not be the death of me. A wife I will handle, mothers are not so easily handled. Especially on her grounds.

Oh, I was able to find an AK that I liked and in my price range. The seller has a number of them. If I like what I see, I might buy a second, depending on money. I would also like to buy another XD Tactical .45 acp. But money has become tight with the move and the Xterra financing problem. I am being a bit cavalier financially, with this purchase, as it is. But darn it, a man has to have what a man should have. I saw a S&W .500 mag, if in the 4” version, for $750. It about kills me that I cannot buy it. But, I cannot. Not… yet. Too much, too fast, too far, too short. Someday, sooner than late, but after a computer ($3k to $4k). Drats… To win the lottery! Bah, I do not play children’s games. Urhm, you do not happen to have a spare top of the line machine sitting in your back pocket, do you? Did not think so. :P

The Watchmen.

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It was a difficult movie for me to watch. Hollywood wants to put warts on good guys and bad guys along with showing the truth about the intent of their people, and they did. It was rather gritty, definitely dirty, and hard core. Do not take your children to it. I think it pointed out the true intent of modernists, socialists, atheists, and such. And of course, their side won... at least on Earth in flesh in their time, the time of the movie. I found myself fitting in between the Comedian and Rorschach. And, yeah, I thought it was a gas, as I often do. I will not recommend it, most probably cannot handle it. I will only say I liked it. The music, quite often, was of the extreme leftist bent, of course. And, of course, they always tried to show the lefties as good and kind little heathens. Which of course, after Hitler the vegetarian, and Stalin, and Marx, the world should know better by now. Not to ignore, of course, our own little murderous circle of homegrown leftists. Of course, many of the sheep are stupid enough to walk into gulags, but that is not the real point. Yeah, and blue boy matches our scientific community… expertly.

It also looks like there might be some other good movies coming out soon. I will probably have to go on my own, after some of my comments, I think the Q.O.D. would rather be lit on fire than go to another such movie with me. Which is fine, my fire is lit. I think I can, I think I can, and whatnot.

Ciao

Jealousy…

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I know it is a sin, at some point in how far it can be taken. Coveting another person’s wealth, spouse, health, or success, is a sin. My jealousy does not go that deep, nor would I deprive the owner to obtain it. My lady friend has suffered as I have, but to a lesser degree. She is able to work, if life is harsh. She has stayed to night work for many reasons, most of them having to do with her anti-social nature, at least in part due to her perpetual exhaustion. She has been going in for sleep studies (as have I, have no doubt). But for her, the results were significant enough that an intervention was seen as fitting and begun (which neither of us thought we would be able to tolerate, in theory). She says she is a new woman today, after a trial of that intervention last night. They told her she was in near constant R.E.M. sleep last night, as her body tried to catch up. Yeah, jealous… but not begrudgingly so.

We are going to a movie today, we missed it the other day. The Watchman is on, and that is one I wanted to see on the big screen. I hate going alone or I would have gone already, if I had somehow been able to clamber out of the cave as well. I honestly did not think she would ever make it. She came by early to tell me her good news and to tell me to be ready for a 13:00 showing. I had gone back to bed to get a bit more sleep, 13 hours is just a bit shy these days, when the doorbell rang. I was sure it was the Q.O.D., so I got back up to see what the difficulty with her would be this time (tongue in cheek here, mind you). It was not her, but a young woman with an invitation to some celebration of Christ’s birthday or something. I remained pleasant, thanked her for her time, accepted the brochure, and just could not quite go back to bed, so here I am. Never worry, I am not awake. Then again, when am I? A few hours a day, sometimes whole days (!), sometimes not for weeks at a time… am I really awake. But, it is what I have.

I think I feel something. Yeah, I do. Hunger. Then time for a nap. Bye.

Odd physical problems at the moment.

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I am not sure what the difficulty is, currently, other than it seems to be of a physical nature. My arms and leg muscles ache as if I have been physically straining them, I am once again exhausted but it feels like the type of exhaustion that comes from physical activity rather than from my other problem. I am sleeping in spats, staying up only 6 to 8 hours, and then needing sleep. And any real activity, such as grocery shopping or light packing exhausts me greatly. It is not worry, as I have pretty much taken care of those things which bother me. My dreams have been dark. I have found in the past, when I can remember dreams and they are of war that this can leech my strength. I cannot remember the dreams other than that they are dark, hard, and I am very physical in them. Odd that dreams can do that, but they do. I suppose it is those dreams that keep me in the shape I am in. Though I am overweight, and though I cannot seem to garner strength or fitness on demand, when need calls I seem to be able to function way beyond what a totally sedentary life should allow. Hike 12 miles, with a pack, no problem. Help people move, even in hot weather, not an issue. I wish this particular corpse I inhabit came with instructions, it baffles even the doctors.

I went to the dentist yesterday. I have poor tooth care habits, so I am always a little nervous when I go. It is not cavities that concern me, it is the displeasure of my care providers. As usual, I received an A+, and more. They found cavities that had started to form, stopped, and even reversed themselves and started healing. My gums had no recesses, or pockets. Neither the cleaning technician nor the dentist where particularly pleased, especially when I indicated I had only brushed perhaps 10 times since I had seen them last. My smirk does not add to their favorable view. But it is light, not heavy disdain they poor upon my tired head. And, I still have that smirk. I am sure, perhaps, one day God will wipe that smirk right off my face. And, should I be able, I will gladly trade it for a face indicating the simple sublime. Oh, I might as well be honest. That smirk comes not from pride but from a lack of understanding as to why my health is so good in spite of it being so bad. It is more like a perfectly healthy and more human being frozen into an inability to function for no health reasons at all. I am dying of aging… A slow process. An uncomfortable process. But while time passes me by, I remain fitter than could be imagined. Even this exhaustion, and the aching muscles, come from some form of my body’s work-out routine. It keeps itself fit this way, somehow.

I have not called the dealership. I really am just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to deal with that today. Actually, I could not get the trash out this morning, I could not wake up. I even set alarms, which while they woke me, I could not wake enough to do more than put them on snooze or reset them. I was not able to rise until about 14:00. Dreams, lots of them. I do remember a few lesser ones, but not the bad ones. It is now 16:56 or so, and guess what? I need to go back to sleep. Not even my game can keep me awake. I hope your sleeps are nourishing. If they are, feel blessed, for you are. I live two or three days in a day, lately. It is confusing. Anyway, goodnight, at least until later this afternoon or evening? Bah!

To be honest…

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Things went down hill quickly when I left school and stopped medicine. I do not think it was the medicine, as that was becoming as much a problem as it was helpful. I started playing a computer game and was not dealing with real life at all. Phone calls were ignored, mail was stacked and properly ignored, and I left the house only when I was able and then only to go to the store for food. Well, my lady friend dragged me out into to the darkness from time to time. Which would have been fine, if my assumptions were correct. My assumption, the primary one, was that everything was on automatic pay. My bad.

My credit cards were not being paid. Neither was my automobile payment. I found out this month my auto was 3 months in arrears. My cards were a bit behind as well. I have not been spending money, but then I had seen my balances and thought they were completely available for the move. After finally paying some attention, and then realizing these things, I got busy. I paid one of my cards off whole (I do not charge unless I have the cash, so no big deal there). The other card received a healthy pay, and is scheduled for another good chunk this coming month. As for the auto, I agreed to pay one payment this month and 1 and ½ payments from here on until I am caught up (and I think I will just continue that payment plan, to have it paid of well and early). After looking at my balances, I actually paid my first payment and a half this month. So, I am taking care. As well, I would still have enough to move this month if I chose to. Therefore, in a few months, I will be in really good financial shape for the move and my credit cards will be clean too, for emergencies or whatnot.

However, I became a bit tweaked yesterday. The car company called, asked for more than what we had agreed to, and indicated they need to call every three days. I really cannot handle that stress, and I told the woman that if this is indeed the case, I will return the vehicle. They have already messed up my finances and I cannot handle that much pushing. She said it is policy, and I indicated that policy will get the vehicle back in their lot in hard financial times. I then hung up. Yeah, grumpy, I think that might be it. But I just cannot stand this touchy push stuff. I was set to return the vehicle today, in my mind, but I had a dental appointment and some other things to do first. And, I had reconsidered. I think I will call my dealership and ask them to make sure what I was hearing was correct and seeing if they would like to mediate rather than have another vehicle sitting there rotting. It is amazing what happens when other people find that their fingers are in the same mouse trap mine are in, too.

One thing I am sure of is that whatever else, I really want to find a way to keep my home kempt. I am not good at this. I can be lost from or to flesh, or as I have suggested before accidentally transcendental, for long periods of time. I only live here part time. Perhaps like the necromongers in the movies, or Hera’s daughter, living in the lands of the flesh only partly, or sometimes. Where I go I cannot be sure. Even things of flesh, like mechanical devices, can be excessively confusing to me at times. From what I know of Zen, I imagine the perfection of that philosophy. Things of flesh are almost abysmal to me then. I cannot seem to understand touch, texture, or even pain. I sense them, might even intellectually understand, but I cannot seem to connect with them. Still, I love cleanliness. I enjoy a maintained home. Oh, I will always need a clutter room, my room. But the rest of the home will, somehow, be maintained. I will figure it out, I think

I am slowly trying to catch you all up on my life, and helping myself by creating order to the recent seeming lost times. By writing, I cement the reality and am more able to plan the near future and create even longer term plans. Writing is powerful for me. Words, even spoken but more written, have a connection with what is. They lead to real creation, development, and develop the true future. Try it, some time, if you do not do so already. Be well.

Death is never so sad…

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I have been contemplating my situation. With a profession and school out of my grasp, and little other use for me, I realize I am simply waiting to die. Oh, yes, I can enjoy some life before I die. And, I might have as much as 2, 3, even 4 decades or more to live. But, I am done. Doctors probably could help, if they were not cowering in fear of the legal community (and to some extent, their own moral majority, to twist a twist) or simply disinterested. But I am not willing to beg and I am hard pressed to trust them, at this point. No, it is over. And, it seems sad. I have stewed in sorrow a bit. That gets old. Then I started thinking.

Compared to most people’s lot, I think I prefer mine. So many people are living here to die for eternity. So many people cannot or will not accept more than some vague notion of ‘a god’, or accept God but really do not see how that affects them. They live in what they know is sin, even when they learn to hate the sin. They do not look for guidance, forgiveness, or real love for which their sin or sins fill in for. In an odd way, it is like two ships, sinking side by side, but in very different ways, for very different reasons, and to quite opposite ends. I realize the sadness of my situation is dwarfed by the shameful dissonance of the world of man with God.

Not that this notion brings me cheer. As I said, mostly, it is a greater sadness. That I can do nothing, and do not think I do not try, bothers me more than being disabled. However, it does add perspective. It allows me to see that what I lose is nothing compared to what whole people are throwing away. I am gaining more in my crippled status than those who have no infirmity. I was crying over my lot until I noticed this, and I cried the more. The “big tears” of Ulysis, I should think. And yet, there is some time. Maybe not much, for any of us, but some time. In that, I find some hope. Maybe a few more will find the Divine before the end. Sadly, though, I think more will be lost than will find their way. This is not the time for salvation. As I am dying, so is the world and in more ways than one.

Life is well, for the most part. I have stopped checking my blood pressure or sugar levels. I have collected all medications and am considering how best to dispose of them. I am 1/3 to ½ packed. And most things are coming together for the move and business-wise. I am wrapping most things up and preparing for a simple, sedate, solitary life. I think I will avoid most interactions with people. I see that most drift in life, their hands are not their own, and evil comes of it. I do not want most people around me, for that reason. I have tried to help some, I have prayed for them, I have served them, I have helped them were I may, all to no avail. They are closer to death than I.

Then again, perhaps Utah is not Iowa City. Though I do not abide Mormanism, as my religion, I see it and it’s fruits as more viable than most denominations of mainline “Christianity”. They have families, they have faith and a real faith not a social one, and they have gone to bat for it. I do know, however, that my faith may not be acceptable there. This is something I will have to find out. From what I have seen, however, that is not necessarily the case. I will find a Catholic Church there, and I will attend, irregularly as that may be. I have a difficult time doing anything at some particular time. If grocery stores were only open an hour a day, and I had no other means of getting food and no one to help, I would starve. I which that was a jest.

I do not think I will be completely packed by the end of the month. Maybe by the middle of next month, maybe not until the end of it. But certainly well in time to move. The extra time is ending up not being a bad thing. Still, I would rather be there, yesterday. This is a sad place, a lonely place, a dying place. The only hope here, for those I am among, is for gold, sex, drugs, and “self”. All of it will be washed away and lost, seen for the fools gold it is, when time is up. It is uncomfortable to be surrounded by these lusts, even or maybe more so, as I become inured to such things. Oh, I still have lusts, but they are the type one can reasonably lay claim within God’s will, if at times I stray a bit far afield. I have stayed celibate for 5 years, and will remain so until I find a wife, and then until after we are wed. I even avoid too much of a dip into the barley-corn, or whatnot. A few beers from time to time, a drink on an occasion, a shot or two to enjoy an evening warmly, if too a very occasional drift into a deeper cup. My other sins are more slight. I am sure sloth can fit, but considering my crippled nature, I am not sure how to avoid it. Ask a leper (of old) why he looks so shabby, it would be similar. And of course there are thoughts. Mostly of women. But, as time has passed, I have learned to control these for the greater part. Perhaps that is why I can be so grumpy? Meh, the price is worth the pound, mostly.

I hope you out there are enjoying life. I hope you are finding ways to keep life clean, kind, open, and honest? I have always felt that my readers are generally good folk. I cannot be certain, but I am not stupid either. I have learned from many of you, and been succored by your graces. Your names have crossed my lips when speaking to God. Even the Godless among you. There is still a little time. Oh, if you are ever curious about your nature, look to what you have sown from the seeds you have planted. Though I have no children, mostly, I think I have tried to sow honesty and love, respect in it’s due, and a harsh tongue it it’s. I know I have been wrong, but I know I am now on the right track. I hope you find yourself on the same train, even if we face the wrong way heading the right way, at times? Be well.