.
.
A couple of loads of laundry, half of the dishes have been cleaned and others are soaking, and some shopping has been done. More will happen before I sleep, but I am happy with today. It has been slow, slower than I had hoped, but there have been interruptions and that is how work usually goes. I suspect I can get a lot done before the week is out. And, I suspect, Sunday will a more than welcome day off.
I cannot help but notice that Californians did the right thing. Why they voted down all but the final choice is fodder for another time. Whether they voted against more taxation, money games, and all but a demotion for their state workers for selfish reasons or because they really understand the problem with tax and spend policies will only be known in their next election cycles. I can hope, whatever the reason, they remember why they voted this way this time and remember who has forced them to make a hard short term choice in the hopes of getting debt and red spending behind them. Honestly, though, I am not holding my breath.
I am watching the ’prez’ spending his credibility in all the wrong ways, for him. Having burned his base by not ending the war in 90 days, by not shutting down Gitmo, or doing most of his other promises, and watching how his own party is not working with him on some of his prime real wants, further watching him strip his admin of respect, power, and wind on very foolish things is beautiful. His warnings to Israel are infuriating not just Israelis, but many Americans, more so with his lack of serious engagement with the real enemies. His lack of serious international relations and his absolute failures there are making him look silly, even to his own. Even European leaders are openly laughing at the boy in chief. So, when the prediction that he will bail out California is bandied about, I almost hope he does it. One more stupid play, millions more dissatisfied voters, and another spending boondoggle which will ultimately lead to the failure of American socialism.
I do not think he understands that there is only so much power in the office. And, that once that is spent, his ability to push anything becomes impossible. His quota education was definitely lost on him. His grandparents wealth has not helped him. And his parents’ radicalism is as futile for him as it was for them. He will go down as the worst president ever, even if he and his somehow transform this from a representative democracy to a thug-ocracy. He is weak and stupid and will be meaningless in any such a regime, let alone history. I now understand why Egyptians occasionally tried to erase the names and history of some of their pharaohs. Some of them actually thought they were gods.
Something else. I keep seeing how minorities are beset by the man (namely white men). What is so ridiculous about this is, “white” people, and “white men” in particular, are a vast minority in the world wide sense. In our nation, if we cannot (even assuming no minorities are male) represent half of the population. Simply put, there are fewer men then there are women. Next, add in minority males, and our numbers shoot down to anywhere from 49% as a maximum to perhaps 30%. So, if egalitarian theory is actually to be held as true, then we cannot be prejudiced by our numbers. It is women of all sorts, but more so if they are african, asian, or Indian, who are the oppressors. Down with women! Viva la (white) Dudes… Or, something like that. Oh, do note however, that I believe in egalitarianism as much as I believe in feminism, socialism, communism, and jack-a-lope.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sharing life and the storm on the horizon.
.
.
Yesterday was fruitful, if not what I had been planning. I had been suggesting to my lady friend that the time of year was ripe for a picnic, and for the last few weeks. The sun has been out a good deal, the weather has been pleasant, if sporadically stormy. And, I thought I was hungry for grilled meat. The added upside to grilled food is not needing to cook and, further, not heating the cave or require more air conditioning use. So, yesterday, the confluence of events which would allow such lead to her placing a call to me and asking if I would be interested in a picnic.
Into the heat, sun, and wind we went. We have a favored park, with somewhat private areas for cooking and eating set aside for groups. She and I have our preferred places, among those sites, and this time she got her pick. I must admit, usually we go to one of my favorites so this seemed reasonable. She likes seclusion and having no view. I like open areas, where you can also see the lake. Just seeing water tends to cool and refresh me. Differences aside, we both like to get out and do something different, involving food, fresh air, and company of sorts.
She bought the salads, I bought the meats and briquettes, and away we went. I talk rather little these days, where I used to speak a great deal. I suppose I have been changing my ways and life and have started becoming more private. Perhaps this will change once I become a part of a community in which I share the more basic understandings, perhaps this is just a part of aging, only time will tell. In any case, we almost might as well have been there alone, for the most part. After finishing the cooking, she wished to stay and enjoy her book, which she had been reading throughout. It is not my idea of a picnic, but at least I got out of the cave, had some sort of company, and cooked for the week. However, six or more hours in the sun wore me out, so I did not blog. At least I stayed up until bedtime and woke, today, early and ready.
She keeps asking, in round about manners when she does speak, about my thoughts on her moving out with me. And, to be honest, that would be fine. Of course, things there will not be as they have been here. I am not sure she will appreciate the changes. I do not want her coming if she is going to be a mess. She will have to lead her own life, she will be under my rules, and she will have to tend her own wants and needs. I do not mind sharing a meal, but that no longer includes doing extra cooking to incorporate her tastes. If she wants organic food, or vegetables in general, for example, first she will have to figure out how to get or afford that herself. Second, if she wants that cooked, to her tastes or not, she will have to do that herself, staying out of my way while I cook my meats. And, she should keep her pocketful of socialism to herself. It is no longer welcome. So, share space and life, sure. Subjugation has already been cast aside, she is on her own with or without me. Oh, and I will be looking for a wife. Yes, complicated, more so with a house guest. But I have always faced tricky odds.
About the storm. That is political in nature. The grass roots is facing off with the “leadership” of the party and the federal government. Along with the grass roots, for the most part, I think we can add small businesses, and a few other groups and concerns. Our groups are fraught with moles and sellouts, traitors and turncoats, and the weak. We really have to start clearing the tent of the noxious, starting with Steele would be good, then swinging the axe in very precise ways so as to clear the forest of deadwood. Those who are in the business of politics for business need to be sent away. The Republican party, or whatever will take it’s place, needs to be principle based.
Once a party is reformed or formed, then we need to get down to the brass tacks of finding legitimate principled candidates and putting them into play. I know they are out there. I also know they have a great fear of being eaten alive by the press. We need to have a means of countering the MSM. FOX was an interesting first shot. As I see it, if they have failed and really always were a part of the MSM to some greater extent, they did buy time and throw the MSM a curve ball, if only for business purposes. The internet is not quite broad enough of a medium for the purposes needed, so I think we will have to supplant parts of the MSM. But to get principled politicians, we will have to find a way of protecting them from that onslaught.
Will this be fast enough, or is it even possible though? Our nation is coming unglued. We have a president who just as likely as not is not a US born citizen. We have a Supreme Court which refused requests to prove his citizenship, and which will becoming more liberal quickly. We have law schools which do not base their teaching on the constitution. We have a medical system which is beginning to apply "ethics" rather than need to decide who it will serve, modern ethics which at least go against their oath. We have abortion on demand, rampant illegal immigration, no coherent international policies except that what other states do is fine (except Israel), taxation and spending is out of control and getting worse, and the suppression of state and personal rights has become the norm. In short, we are frogs who have been being boiled and we are just now feeling it. Can we even jump? I think we can. The NAZIs, Japanese, muslims, and communists around the world have underestimated us time and again. But more, this is a fight on our own soil and for that soil.
The federal government seems like a juggernaut. The branches have oversight or control over much of industry, personal choice, and claims to have jurisdiction over life through the patent claim to allow one person to kill another at their whim through abortion, which leaves the door open to a claim to all life and therefore death. It would seem, at this point, we are owned by the state. The state claims, by having these powers, it will offer us what we need and some of what we want. As any student of history knows socialism does not work. Further, when it fails as it always does, it tries more drastic measures or merely falls into corruption and uselessness in terms of what governments are supposed to do. Killing people who stand in the way of "progress" is not something a state would shy from. And it is getting to that point. Look to California if you want to know where the nation is heading. What happens when the whole nation is bankrupt? Why, kill the rich for their money. And when they are gone and there is no money? Why, the politicians will steal whatever they can (more than they are now) and kill anyone who might notice and cause fear in the populace so that it will stand there and be sheered of all it’s worth and even it’s life with nary but a few bleats.
How much power the states and people who care can carve away from the federal government using “legitimate” means is a great question. With courts and laws already either leftist or hindered by obvious misinterpretations, those methods are in doubt. What about ignoring law and simply living as you should, simply ignoring illegal laws? That sounds good, but it is quite weak. Many will end up in prison, essentially doing time for political crimes. Without solid connections, an individual is simply an easy mark, a soft target, and no match for what we are facing. And, the political parties on both sides have been compromised, so their would be no assistance there.
I am not sure what is going to happen. People will have to make snap decisions. Some will end up being fatal, even if they are correct. The thing will be over either very quickly or only after years of war, depending on which elements of the military and police come down on which side. It can safely be assumed that the leadership of those groups is in the pocket of the federal government. What is less sure is whether the middle and lower ranks will “simply follow orders” or will become active, even proactive, on behalf of the constitution, bill of rights, and citizens. As far as an armed uprising, that is nearly silly. A group, a dozen groups, even hundreds of groups, would be so much fodder. And, we could not depend on the press to cover, or cover honestly, anything. There are some things which could be done, but the doer would, even if doing the right thing, end up with no allies.
I wish this was not my fight. I wish I could merely make some popcorn, turn on a couple of camcorders for later reviews, and then just watch. But this is my nation, my constitution, my people, and it is my government which is failing. I am part of the problem, in helping elect more and more “centrist” “Republicans”, I have allowed my party to become trash. And, I have allowed the Democratic party to pull politics to the left. My nickel used to pay for MSM leftism. But more, I want not only to right my wrongs but to be a party to the solution. I just cannot quite see how that is going to work. But I know that if it does not work, if we do not change, if we do not limit the federal and state powers, we are in for a future of slavery on such a scale that no one has ever imagined. From who you marry, where you work, what you do for employment, whether you are 'allowed' to be employed, to the name and number of children you have being mandated. Imagine the chagrin to feminists when they are required to have children according to state need. And once that is done, there will be no easy way back. What is before me seems daunting, but compared to that, this is easy.
Just do it.
.
Yesterday was fruitful, if not what I had been planning. I had been suggesting to my lady friend that the time of year was ripe for a picnic, and for the last few weeks. The sun has been out a good deal, the weather has been pleasant, if sporadically stormy. And, I thought I was hungry for grilled meat. The added upside to grilled food is not needing to cook and, further, not heating the cave or require more air conditioning use. So, yesterday, the confluence of events which would allow such lead to her placing a call to me and asking if I would be interested in a picnic.
Into the heat, sun, and wind we went. We have a favored park, with somewhat private areas for cooking and eating set aside for groups. She and I have our preferred places, among those sites, and this time she got her pick. I must admit, usually we go to one of my favorites so this seemed reasonable. She likes seclusion and having no view. I like open areas, where you can also see the lake. Just seeing water tends to cool and refresh me. Differences aside, we both like to get out and do something different, involving food, fresh air, and company of sorts.
She bought the salads, I bought the meats and briquettes, and away we went. I talk rather little these days, where I used to speak a great deal. I suppose I have been changing my ways and life and have started becoming more private. Perhaps this will change once I become a part of a community in which I share the more basic understandings, perhaps this is just a part of aging, only time will tell. In any case, we almost might as well have been there alone, for the most part. After finishing the cooking, she wished to stay and enjoy her book, which she had been reading throughout. It is not my idea of a picnic, but at least I got out of the cave, had some sort of company, and cooked for the week. However, six or more hours in the sun wore me out, so I did not blog. At least I stayed up until bedtime and woke, today, early and ready.
She keeps asking, in round about manners when she does speak, about my thoughts on her moving out with me. And, to be honest, that would be fine. Of course, things there will not be as they have been here. I am not sure she will appreciate the changes. I do not want her coming if she is going to be a mess. She will have to lead her own life, she will be under my rules, and she will have to tend her own wants and needs. I do not mind sharing a meal, but that no longer includes doing extra cooking to incorporate her tastes. If she wants organic food, or vegetables in general, for example, first she will have to figure out how to get or afford that herself. Second, if she wants that cooked, to her tastes or not, she will have to do that herself, staying out of my way while I cook my meats. And, she should keep her pocketful of socialism to herself. It is no longer welcome. So, share space and life, sure. Subjugation has already been cast aside, she is on her own with or without me. Oh, and I will be looking for a wife. Yes, complicated, more so with a house guest. But I have always faced tricky odds.
About the storm. That is political in nature. The grass roots is facing off with the “leadership” of the party and the federal government. Along with the grass roots, for the most part, I think we can add small businesses, and a few other groups and concerns. Our groups are fraught with moles and sellouts, traitors and turncoats, and the weak. We really have to start clearing the tent of the noxious, starting with Steele would be good, then swinging the axe in very precise ways so as to clear the forest of deadwood. Those who are in the business of politics for business need to be sent away. The Republican party, or whatever will take it’s place, needs to be principle based.
Once a party is reformed or formed, then we need to get down to the brass tacks of finding legitimate principled candidates and putting them into play. I know they are out there. I also know they have a great fear of being eaten alive by the press. We need to have a means of countering the MSM. FOX was an interesting first shot. As I see it, if they have failed and really always were a part of the MSM to some greater extent, they did buy time and throw the MSM a curve ball, if only for business purposes. The internet is not quite broad enough of a medium for the purposes needed, so I think we will have to supplant parts of the MSM. But to get principled politicians, we will have to find a way of protecting them from that onslaught.
Will this be fast enough, or is it even possible though? Our nation is coming unglued. We have a president who just as likely as not is not a US born citizen. We have a Supreme Court which refused requests to prove his citizenship, and which will becoming more liberal quickly. We have law schools which do not base their teaching on the constitution. We have a medical system which is beginning to apply "ethics" rather than need to decide who it will serve, modern ethics which at least go against their oath. We have abortion on demand, rampant illegal immigration, no coherent international policies except that what other states do is fine (except Israel), taxation and spending is out of control and getting worse, and the suppression of state and personal rights has become the norm. In short, we are frogs who have been being boiled and we are just now feeling it. Can we even jump? I think we can. The NAZIs, Japanese, muslims, and communists around the world have underestimated us time and again. But more, this is a fight on our own soil and for that soil.
The federal government seems like a juggernaut. The branches have oversight or control over much of industry, personal choice, and claims to have jurisdiction over life through the patent claim to allow one person to kill another at their whim through abortion, which leaves the door open to a claim to all life and therefore death. It would seem, at this point, we are owned by the state. The state claims, by having these powers, it will offer us what we need and some of what we want. As any student of history knows socialism does not work. Further, when it fails as it always does, it tries more drastic measures or merely falls into corruption and uselessness in terms of what governments are supposed to do. Killing people who stand in the way of "progress" is not something a state would shy from. And it is getting to that point. Look to California if you want to know where the nation is heading. What happens when the whole nation is bankrupt? Why, kill the rich for their money. And when they are gone and there is no money? Why, the politicians will steal whatever they can (more than they are now) and kill anyone who might notice and cause fear in the populace so that it will stand there and be sheered of all it’s worth and even it’s life with nary but a few bleats.
How much power the states and people who care can carve away from the federal government using “legitimate” means is a great question. With courts and laws already either leftist or hindered by obvious misinterpretations, those methods are in doubt. What about ignoring law and simply living as you should, simply ignoring illegal laws? That sounds good, but it is quite weak. Many will end up in prison, essentially doing time for political crimes. Without solid connections, an individual is simply an easy mark, a soft target, and no match for what we are facing. And, the political parties on both sides have been compromised, so their would be no assistance there.
I am not sure what is going to happen. People will have to make snap decisions. Some will end up being fatal, even if they are correct. The thing will be over either very quickly or only after years of war, depending on which elements of the military and police come down on which side. It can safely be assumed that the leadership of those groups is in the pocket of the federal government. What is less sure is whether the middle and lower ranks will “simply follow orders” or will become active, even proactive, on behalf of the constitution, bill of rights, and citizens. As far as an armed uprising, that is nearly silly. A group, a dozen groups, even hundreds of groups, would be so much fodder. And, we could not depend on the press to cover, or cover honestly, anything. There are some things which could be done, but the doer would, even if doing the right thing, end up with no allies.
I wish this was not my fight. I wish I could merely make some popcorn, turn on a couple of camcorders for later reviews, and then just watch. But this is my nation, my constitution, my people, and it is my government which is failing. I am part of the problem, in helping elect more and more “centrist” “Republicans”, I have allowed my party to become trash. And, I have allowed the Democratic party to pull politics to the left. My nickel used to pay for MSM leftism. But more, I want not only to right my wrongs but to be a party to the solution. I just cannot quite see how that is going to work. But I know that if it does not work, if we do not change, if we do not limit the federal and state powers, we are in for a future of slavery on such a scale that no one has ever imagined. From who you marry, where you work, what you do for employment, whether you are 'allowed' to be employed, to the name and number of children you have being mandated. Imagine the chagrin to feminists when they are required to have children according to state need. And once that is done, there will be no easy way back. What is before me seems daunting, but compared to that, this is easy.
Just do it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
A good day.
.
.
I have more function, if I am still not quite tip top. I was able to help two people today and get several chores done. I am chomping at the bit to dig in. I really am about ready to start tearing things down, boxing things up, and getting back in the game. I really enjoy getting things done. And, one of the things I did today relieved some stress. I kept getting emails from my bank that one of my accounts was becoming empty. But the last few weeks, I have been unable to deal with that or do much, so I could not check on it. After a long talk with a lady at the bank, I was assured I had not even had a financial problem, my account had not dropped too low, and I have a backup anyway, which draws money from my savings to cover my checking if that does happen.
Still, that leaves figuring out why my credit rating took a hit, for what it says was a zeroing of my checking account. It was too late in the day, when I finished my other tasks and helping out a couple of ladies in distress. (woot!) I will get on that, though, tomorrow. As well, I need to straighten the kitchen a bit, do some laundry, and begin packing. I not only think I can do it, I know I can. This is a blessing. Even if I did not need to pack, it is good to be functional. If I had no tasks, I would use this to go hiking, clean the place up a bit, perhaps even work in a garden if I had the space. There is nothing like being physical, in the world, whether it be work, play, or a mix. Oh, and love. Yes, that is physical, though that does not really ever seem to be a problem, for my part. Doh! Becoming morally focused is sometimes something I have to, if in passing, wonder about. Five years, almost six, of celibacy is nothing to sneeze at, more so for a BIG fan of women and sensuality in sexuality. They are such beautiful creatures.
Ah, one last thing. I am going to pack the computer I just bought and send it back. I will be out of a computer until I can find one that is worth the money or fix the one I have. I have considered building one on my own. I built my first two computers, and then my fourth computer. Many things have changed, since then, but not really as much as many would think. The basics are all the same, they just have different capacities and capabilities, they do not even have different power needs. However, before I do that I need to check into OS’s. I think Vista is a major part of the problem. Since I want the machine for gaming though, I am not sure where to go here. Bother the thing. I may end up just making a small cheap unit for email, blogging, and such, and buy a console game. Computer games just seem to be ports from those, these days, and just as often as not, poorly done ports. And, if nothing else, I have changed all of my (I think) usernames and passwords to secure my various accounts. Still, it is a bummer.
Well, that is my day. I hope you all have something going on, friends to speak with, things to write, and the energy and will to act. Good night.
.
I have more function, if I am still not quite tip top. I was able to help two people today and get several chores done. I am chomping at the bit to dig in. I really am about ready to start tearing things down, boxing things up, and getting back in the game. I really enjoy getting things done. And, one of the things I did today relieved some stress. I kept getting emails from my bank that one of my accounts was becoming empty. But the last few weeks, I have been unable to deal with that or do much, so I could not check on it. After a long talk with a lady at the bank, I was assured I had not even had a financial problem, my account had not dropped too low, and I have a backup anyway, which draws money from my savings to cover my checking if that does happen.
Still, that leaves figuring out why my credit rating took a hit, for what it says was a zeroing of my checking account. It was too late in the day, when I finished my other tasks and helping out a couple of ladies in distress. (woot!) I will get on that, though, tomorrow. As well, I need to straighten the kitchen a bit, do some laundry, and begin packing. I not only think I can do it, I know I can. This is a blessing. Even if I did not need to pack, it is good to be functional. If I had no tasks, I would use this to go hiking, clean the place up a bit, perhaps even work in a garden if I had the space. There is nothing like being physical, in the world, whether it be work, play, or a mix. Oh, and love. Yes, that is physical, though that does not really ever seem to be a problem, for my part. Doh! Becoming morally focused is sometimes something I have to, if in passing, wonder about. Five years, almost six, of celibacy is nothing to sneeze at, more so for a BIG fan of women and sensuality in sexuality. They are such beautiful creatures.
Ah, one last thing. I am going to pack the computer I just bought and send it back. I will be out of a computer until I can find one that is worth the money or fix the one I have. I have considered building one on my own. I built my first two computers, and then my fourth computer. Many things have changed, since then, but not really as much as many would think. The basics are all the same, they just have different capacities and capabilities, they do not even have different power needs. However, before I do that I need to check into OS’s. I think Vista is a major part of the problem. Since I want the machine for gaming though, I am not sure where to go here. Bother the thing. I may end up just making a small cheap unit for email, blogging, and such, and buy a console game. Computer games just seem to be ports from those, these days, and just as often as not, poorly done ports. And, if nothing else, I have changed all of my (I think) usernames and passwords to secure my various accounts. Still, it is a bummer.
Well, that is my day. I hope you all have something going on, friends to speak with, things to write, and the energy and will to act. Good night.
Work may begin again.
.
.
Yes, a little rest and constant consideration may have worked toward getting me back on track. Fighting the thing would have only left me more exhausted, frustrated, and probably prolonged my fall. Or, put another way, patience and thought has beaten out brute force and focused mind over matter. Another good day, waking early enough to get going today and for the last few days, I think I am ready to begin working again. Not much has been done, so I am left with everything I needed to do before, but I am good with that.
Well, I have two people asking me to help all at once, right now. It is a good start, I get to figure out who I can help and how, then figure out what to do after that, but it does force me to prepare for the day and a little before I had quite gotten to it. Yes, I suppose helping others, at least this time if not always as I generally suggest, will really be helping myself. Gotta go!
Have a good day.
.
Yes, a little rest and constant consideration may have worked toward getting me back on track. Fighting the thing would have only left me more exhausted, frustrated, and probably prolonged my fall. Or, put another way, patience and thought has beaten out brute force and focused mind over matter. Another good day, waking early enough to get going today and for the last few days, I think I am ready to begin working again. Not much has been done, so I am left with everything I needed to do before, but I am good with that.
Well, I have two people asking me to help all at once, right now. It is a good start, I get to figure out who I can help and how, then figure out what to do after that, but it does force me to prepare for the day and a little before I had quite gotten to it. Yes, I suppose helping others, at least this time if not always as I generally suggest, will really be helping myself. Gotta go!
Have a good day.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Pravda, it appears, says it all.
.
.
I saw this at Vox’s blog. Then, I went to the source, or as close as I could. I will simply describe what the article is about. The article, written by a Russian, printed in Pravda, describes America falling to marxism. It is a warning, although I think the notion is that the deed is done. Read at your leisure.
.
I saw this at Vox’s blog. Then, I went to the source, or as close as I could. I will simply describe what the article is about. The article, written by a Russian, printed in Pravda, describes America falling to marxism. It is a warning, although I think the notion is that the deed is done. Read at your leisure.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Another day up early, and some more about politics.
.
.
Another day asleep before 0:00 and awake early. It might have been a bit too early, waking at 4:30, but I could not get back to sleep. I do not care what doctors “advise”, if you cannot go back to sleep that is just the way it is. I used to punish myself for failing to do what was recommended until I realized recommendations are more like wishes than having anything to do with reality. They might as well have been advising me to institute world peace or an end to cancer. I went the other way for a while, disregarding what they said for the sake of disregarding medical recommendations directly. However, that did little good either. I suppose we all have to pout in our own ways though too. Finally, I came to the conclusion that trying to coax what I wanted and could get out of my corpse was as good as it would get, but if that failed, perhaps just taking a break for a while would also be good. And, in general, that works.
I live as heartily as I may but it is not a transgression, now, when I do not. However, I have a major project that I need to figure out how to do. I feel like an ant tasked with moving a hill. The fact is, the work is halfway done. I have a few details to clear up, and then I can try to do the last half, like, where to move and when, and how to get my stuff there, and the various costs. If it is not a transgression, at this point, to be lame, it is inconvenient. If I can keep this current trend going, though, it should all work out.
Back to politics. Though I have not seen anyone stepping forward who I would trust to take the helm back from the Republican Democrats, I do see movement. I am not sure if the energy on the ground can translate into anything serious, but there is potential. The push, however, seems rather disparate. The groups do not seem to be verging, but more holding out for the other elements to meld rather than figuring out how to build then cross bridges independently. And, of course, there are some bridges I do not want crossed in the name of reconciliation myself. The tent has grown ruinously large and if that is not ended, I am out for good, from a dead big tent party.
Is the problem a practicality resulting from so much of the population living in such “liberal” and corrupt urban areas that there is no chance for a conservative party to actually exist? I suppose that is possible. I do not believe that, but I do concede it may be the reason for the treason of party leadership. Has the government, as an entity, been so tilted to the left and activated so strongly that there is no way back? That too is possible, and though unlikely it is probably more likely than the first scenario. As well, have conservatives, after a decade and more of betrayal, given up on the political system, being at risk to not being represented at all? For me, that is pretty much the case. I cannot say whether I am more singular or more common in that though. I just cannot find the tools which would help me determine how widespread that is. I do know there are more problems that have no solutions then there is hope for the GOP at this point. Whether it did it to itself, was forced to betray by the nature of reality, or has been tricked into folly, I suppose I will never know.
Hmm, tacos for lunch I believe. Warmed tortillas, either black and pinto or kidney beans, fried beef, cheese, and sour cream if I have any on hand. Hmm, thyme, maybe tarragon, cumin, hot cayenne, and maybe some ginger, and some fresh ground pepper after it has cooked, simmered, and then set a bit. Yeah, that ought to be tasty! And I am quite hungry. Plus, if I make enough I should have a little bit to nibble on for two or three days. Doh! Now I am so hungry I cannot stand it!
.
Another day asleep before 0:00 and awake early. It might have been a bit too early, waking at 4:30, but I could not get back to sleep. I do not care what doctors “advise”, if you cannot go back to sleep that is just the way it is. I used to punish myself for failing to do what was recommended until I realized recommendations are more like wishes than having anything to do with reality. They might as well have been advising me to institute world peace or an end to cancer. I went the other way for a while, disregarding what they said for the sake of disregarding medical recommendations directly. However, that did little good either. I suppose we all have to pout in our own ways though too. Finally, I came to the conclusion that trying to coax what I wanted and could get out of my corpse was as good as it would get, but if that failed, perhaps just taking a break for a while would also be good. And, in general, that works.
I live as heartily as I may but it is not a transgression, now, when I do not. However, I have a major project that I need to figure out how to do. I feel like an ant tasked with moving a hill. The fact is, the work is halfway done. I have a few details to clear up, and then I can try to do the last half, like, where to move and when, and how to get my stuff there, and the various costs. If it is not a transgression, at this point, to be lame, it is inconvenient. If I can keep this current trend going, though, it should all work out.
Back to politics. Though I have not seen anyone stepping forward who I would trust to take the helm back from the Republican Democrats, I do see movement. I am not sure if the energy on the ground can translate into anything serious, but there is potential. The push, however, seems rather disparate. The groups do not seem to be verging, but more holding out for the other elements to meld rather than figuring out how to build then cross bridges independently. And, of course, there are some bridges I do not want crossed in the name of reconciliation myself. The tent has grown ruinously large and if that is not ended, I am out for good, from a dead big tent party.
Is the problem a practicality resulting from so much of the population living in such “liberal” and corrupt urban areas that there is no chance for a conservative party to actually exist? I suppose that is possible. I do not believe that, but I do concede it may be the reason for the treason of party leadership. Has the government, as an entity, been so tilted to the left and activated so strongly that there is no way back? That too is possible, and though unlikely it is probably more likely than the first scenario. As well, have conservatives, after a decade and more of betrayal, given up on the political system, being at risk to not being represented at all? For me, that is pretty much the case. I cannot say whether I am more singular or more common in that though. I just cannot find the tools which would help me determine how widespread that is. I do know there are more problems that have no solutions then there is hope for the GOP at this point. Whether it did it to itself, was forced to betray by the nature of reality, or has been tricked into folly, I suppose I will never know.
Hmm, tacos for lunch I believe. Warmed tortillas, either black and pinto or kidney beans, fried beef, cheese, and sour cream if I have any on hand. Hmm, thyme, maybe tarragon, cumin, hot cayenne, and maybe some ginger, and some fresh ground pepper after it has cooked, simmered, and then set a bit. Yeah, that ought to be tasty! And I am quite hungry. Plus, if I make enough I should have a little bit to nibble on for two or three days. Doh! Now I am so hungry I cannot stand it!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Politics.
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I see a good number of bloggers hitting this topic from their favorite angle, spiced with their particular prejudices, and all with the certainty of masters. I hear everything from the notion that the Republican party is at an end to the belief that the Republican party is on it’s way back into power. I see here where the thief in chief is killing off both his own supporters as well as general support. And, the rats seem to be jumping ship, though many of them are staying on board the Republican party to make sure to guide it to a place where, should it sink, it will be lost for good, while doing everything in their power to indeed sink it. All that is offered come as quips or with regards to special cases or current events. Some of it has proof, if it is often weak, much of it is like a slab of meat that has been sitting out too long or at least since who knows when, with nothing to certify it. Some of it is a rehash of thoughts I have been hearing for decades, some very small amount of it is somewhat newish.
And, I see this group, that politician, and everybody and their uncle just saying, sign up here, donate there, give me this, and I promise… Yeah, like the anti-abortion groups and many others have been doing for decades, taking in money and giving NOTHING back. They go to Washington, perhaps, and open up a headquarters, and then… then they begin to enjoy being in Washington. The more money, the easier the life. Why fight, sincerely, when that would mean the fat cash train would stop. They “learn” it is all a game, and they like their part in it. Keep the pleas for money going, stop the action… and that wonderful caviar at the U.N. parties, wonderful!
This makes me very cynical of any politician. First, I know that even if they came to power, they would not do (or much) of what they say they would. Yes, that is to be expected to some extent. To a degree, what a politician says he would do should be stated as what he would like to do. Beyond that, what he says he would want to do is just as likely to be a lie as not. So the new “leaders” I see proclaiming themselves as the future of “our” nation only make me turn away in disgust.
It is not that I wish to see Democrats continue their poisoning of our nation, it is just that I am not willing to back just such policies with my vote. Both President Bushs have proven my point, and not one more vote will that type get. My party has abandoned me. It has left it’s principles. And for the most part, conservatives have lost interest and trust. The leadership of what was our party is Democrat, regardless of what they say. The conservative planks are artificial decorations. The party, for all intents and purposes, is dead. If it does not reform itself or something solid, conservative, and believable does not appear to replace it, and soon, America really is irreparably lost.
And, no, I am not interested in your boot licking emails (you politicians who I do not know and who I did not invite to email me). I do not care what you think. Like the “conservative” writers for big news, big mags, and even most blogs, do not call me. Get it together, begin leading, make a stir, and be real. Do that well enough you make it to national prominence, I will find you. Well, yeah, so you do not have a good chance. Most likely, you never deserved one.
.
I see a good number of bloggers hitting this topic from their favorite angle, spiced with their particular prejudices, and all with the certainty of masters. I hear everything from the notion that the Republican party is at an end to the belief that the Republican party is on it’s way back into power. I see here where the thief in chief is killing off both his own supporters as well as general support. And, the rats seem to be jumping ship, though many of them are staying on board the Republican party to make sure to guide it to a place where, should it sink, it will be lost for good, while doing everything in their power to indeed sink it. All that is offered come as quips or with regards to special cases or current events. Some of it has proof, if it is often weak, much of it is like a slab of meat that has been sitting out too long or at least since who knows when, with nothing to certify it. Some of it is a rehash of thoughts I have been hearing for decades, some very small amount of it is somewhat newish.
And, I see this group, that politician, and everybody and their uncle just saying, sign up here, donate there, give me this, and I promise… Yeah, like the anti-abortion groups and many others have been doing for decades, taking in money and giving NOTHING back. They go to Washington, perhaps, and open up a headquarters, and then… then they begin to enjoy being in Washington. The more money, the easier the life. Why fight, sincerely, when that would mean the fat cash train would stop. They “learn” it is all a game, and they like their part in it. Keep the pleas for money going, stop the action… and that wonderful caviar at the U.N. parties, wonderful!
This makes me very cynical of any politician. First, I know that even if they came to power, they would not do (or much) of what they say they would. Yes, that is to be expected to some extent. To a degree, what a politician says he would do should be stated as what he would like to do. Beyond that, what he says he would want to do is just as likely to be a lie as not. So the new “leaders” I see proclaiming themselves as the future of “our” nation only make me turn away in disgust.
It is not that I wish to see Democrats continue their poisoning of our nation, it is just that I am not willing to back just such policies with my vote. Both President Bushs have proven my point, and not one more vote will that type get. My party has abandoned me. It has left it’s principles. And for the most part, conservatives have lost interest and trust. The leadership of what was our party is Democrat, regardless of what they say. The conservative planks are artificial decorations. The party, for all intents and purposes, is dead. If it does not reform itself or something solid, conservative, and believable does not appear to replace it, and soon, America really is irreparably lost.
And, no, I am not interested in your boot licking emails (you politicians who I do not know and who I did not invite to email me). I do not care what you think. Like the “conservative” writers for big news, big mags, and even most blogs, do not call me. Get it together, begin leading, make a stir, and be real. Do that well enough you make it to national prominence, I will find you. Well, yeah, so you do not have a good chance. Most likely, you never deserved one.
Yeah, well, it is looking better.
.
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I had a visitor yesterday. She, as usual, visited to do her laundry. She did not bring a movie or anything. She grumbled, laid around while the laundry was going, and complained about being tired. Yeah, okay, I know this. But when she works full time, then works part time for organic food, plus does other things she wants to do, sympathy becomes fleeting. It was a good day though, and we were hungry. We went out to lunch and it was great, again. We went back to the place I had hoped to visit again before I move. Last time I not only ordered brunch, I ordered a hummus sandwich to go. It was so good, I did it again. And, I got her a sandwich for supper later as well. They really put out some good food. I often doubt and cringe when organic places put out beef, elk, buffalo, or whatnot. I swear most places as such go out of their way to make meat taste horrid. This place, at leas this time, made a perfect beef meal. Oh, and the portions were very good, no little 2 ounce tasting of something you might or might not like. And, yes, it is cuisine, not pre-prepared or lame normal fare.
I was up early yesterday, if only because of the arrival of my lady friend. With her company, lame as it mostly was, I was able to stay up past my mid-afternoon exhaustion. Once I got past that, and with some food at lunch and supper from the take home sandwich, I was able to stay up until 22:30 or 23:00. And then, this morning, I woke at 7:05 or so. Though I had to work to go back to sleep at 3:30 and 6:00, I think it will work out, perhaps. My landlord is arriving at 13:30, with a professional insecticide guy. The neighbors do not like spiders, or that is what I am hearing. I am glad I am moving. Though there are spiders, they are not a problem. I have enjoyed watching them, and for the most part, they stay outside.
I have started to get my computer squared away. They had me reset the machine back to factory specs, and I will see if there are any more issues with crashes. If my memory is correct though, the crashes started as soon as I booted the machine. If not, then after I installed Firefox. I will see. But if the machine cannot work with the software I like and games, I will just box it up and send it back, and figure out how to rebuild my old computer. I refuse to have a machine that locks up three to six times a day.
Oh, I also spoke with my landlord. I asked if I could stay another month, or if he would rather I complete the contract if he would allow me to stay. I told him that I am having health issues. He suggested that he would add a month, but no more. He wants me out in time for him to find another tenant before the summer is out and to work on the apartment. Fair enough. So, if I want to get out without another year lease, I have to be out by July 1st. If nothing else, that gives me some time to get my train back on track. I am going to have to have some help, and I will begin asking for it from those I know. I seem to be able to work (more anyway), with help. But alone, I become lost. And, I am constantly fighting exhaustion, so how much I can help is somewhat questionable. Yes, it stinks to be crippled… a lot…
I had best get a few chores done this morning. I do not want the landlord to arrive to even a smaller mess. The house is a bit cluttered with the computer half together and a move two thirds finished, but it is reasonably in order so that minor tasks will set the place aright. And, there are a few other tasks I could accomplish this morning on the business end. Who knows, maybe I can get it together. Hmm, if I do well, I may have to take the .22s out and do some range chatting this afternoon. It is raining now, and it might be later too. But stainless has it’s uses and I do not melt. Plus, the outdoor range might be all mine. Well, it is a weekday, it probably will be anyway.
On a side note, The Tylenol helped a great deal, and I only have needed that one big 1,150 mg dose yesterday. Though I feel the potential for a headache coming on, I think I will wait and see.
.
I had a visitor yesterday. She, as usual, visited to do her laundry. She did not bring a movie or anything. She grumbled, laid around while the laundry was going, and complained about being tired. Yeah, okay, I know this. But when she works full time, then works part time for organic food, plus does other things she wants to do, sympathy becomes fleeting. It was a good day though, and we were hungry. We went out to lunch and it was great, again. We went back to the place I had hoped to visit again before I move. Last time I not only ordered brunch, I ordered a hummus sandwich to go. It was so good, I did it again. And, I got her a sandwich for supper later as well. They really put out some good food. I often doubt and cringe when organic places put out beef, elk, buffalo, or whatnot. I swear most places as such go out of their way to make meat taste horrid. This place, at leas this time, made a perfect beef meal. Oh, and the portions were very good, no little 2 ounce tasting of something you might or might not like. And, yes, it is cuisine, not pre-prepared or lame normal fare.
I was up early yesterday, if only because of the arrival of my lady friend. With her company, lame as it mostly was, I was able to stay up past my mid-afternoon exhaustion. Once I got past that, and with some food at lunch and supper from the take home sandwich, I was able to stay up until 22:30 or 23:00. And then, this morning, I woke at 7:05 or so. Though I had to work to go back to sleep at 3:30 and 6:00, I think it will work out, perhaps. My landlord is arriving at 13:30, with a professional insecticide guy. The neighbors do not like spiders, or that is what I am hearing. I am glad I am moving. Though there are spiders, they are not a problem. I have enjoyed watching them, and for the most part, they stay outside.
I have started to get my computer squared away. They had me reset the machine back to factory specs, and I will see if there are any more issues with crashes. If my memory is correct though, the crashes started as soon as I booted the machine. If not, then after I installed Firefox. I will see. But if the machine cannot work with the software I like and games, I will just box it up and send it back, and figure out how to rebuild my old computer. I refuse to have a machine that locks up three to six times a day.
Oh, I also spoke with my landlord. I asked if I could stay another month, or if he would rather I complete the contract if he would allow me to stay. I told him that I am having health issues. He suggested that he would add a month, but no more. He wants me out in time for him to find another tenant before the summer is out and to work on the apartment. Fair enough. So, if I want to get out without another year lease, I have to be out by July 1st. If nothing else, that gives me some time to get my train back on track. I am going to have to have some help, and I will begin asking for it from those I know. I seem to be able to work (more anyway), with help. But alone, I become lost. And, I am constantly fighting exhaustion, so how much I can help is somewhat questionable. Yes, it stinks to be crippled… a lot…
I had best get a few chores done this morning. I do not want the landlord to arrive to even a smaller mess. The house is a bit cluttered with the computer half together and a move two thirds finished, but it is reasonably in order so that minor tasks will set the place aright. And, there are a few other tasks I could accomplish this morning on the business end. Who knows, maybe I can get it together. Hmm, if I do well, I may have to take the .22s out and do some range chatting this afternoon. It is raining now, and it might be later too. But stainless has it’s uses and I do not melt. Plus, the outdoor range might be all mine. Well, it is a weekday, it probably will be anyway.
On a side note, The Tylenol helped a great deal, and I only have needed that one big 1,150 mg dose yesterday. Though I feel the potential for a headache coming on, I think I will wait and see.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Thoughts, perceptions, and how our world changes through them.
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I think, from time to time, about what I used to think about. Sometimes I can put myself into those moments and think the same thoughts, sometimes I can only view the memories vividly without being able to become the remembered thinker, explorer, or such. Some of those thoughts from memory seem so foreign. I wonder at how I could have believed that the government would help everybody and be good by it’s own nature, I cannot be sure. Perhaps I had mistakenly thought of the government as a person at a time when I believed in people for their own sakes. Perhaps I had just been told that by all of the Democrats around me. Or, maybe, it was too uncomfortable to think that my government could be bad, being as small, weak, and powerless as I was. But this is just an example of many such thoughts.
I see through my ages that I have discovered, accepted, reconsidered, and abandoned a host of thoughts regarding every subject under the sun and many which are beyond the realm of even the universe as we know it. I have struggled, wrestling with notions of self, others, right, wrong, and the rest. I have always been certain that there is a better way, a meaning to goodness, and the existence of evil. But I have never been able to find a perfect or absolute notion of reality. And, at each age, my notions have changed, in what I hope has been the magic of growth created by a concentrated and unflinching search for truth.
In remembering these things I have no option but to be patient where I can be. Some evil must be thwarted, with my life, if necessary. And yet, poor decisions and thinking by others must be borne, to some degree, in the hope that they too will find their way. I cannot, in most cases, remain quiet when asked or confronted. What I can do is use prudence to offer possibilities, to plant seeds which might mature into something greater, and to gently offer what I am more sure of or the sources of my surety, as so many have done for me.
I have so much more growth potential. I am still small and weak, at times. And no matter how well I gain a footing, I know I am an amateur in navigating life and I will remain so until my death. I will never reach the goal. If I can learn how to most properly use the crutches around me, knowing when and how to use those tools to get what needs to be done completed in their times, that will be as good as it gets. All of those strange or still familiar thoughts and perceptions of the world around me have lead me not to greatness, power, and wealth, but to a humility of living that I feel graced to know.
It has been a wonderful life. I have met and love so many people, and have been so many people. I see that in the eyes of many, though not all, around me. Within each person is a thousand people they were and a million people they could have become. But also, before me, each time, is one special being. A man or woman, unlike any animal, who has become something unique and perhaps special through a thousand, perhaps a thousand thousand, sets of thoughts, decisions, and hope. Not only is it a grace to exist and to be who I am, it is often even more of a grace to touch the lives of those around me.
Doh! Reading her makes me do this! Though some of you all reach in and rend writing, thought, and considerations from me. Your sentiments and sensibilities are not lost here, on me, even if we disagree… mostly. :p
.
I think, from time to time, about what I used to think about. Sometimes I can put myself into those moments and think the same thoughts, sometimes I can only view the memories vividly without being able to become the remembered thinker, explorer, or such. Some of those thoughts from memory seem so foreign. I wonder at how I could have believed that the government would help everybody and be good by it’s own nature, I cannot be sure. Perhaps I had mistakenly thought of the government as a person at a time when I believed in people for their own sakes. Perhaps I had just been told that by all of the Democrats around me. Or, maybe, it was too uncomfortable to think that my government could be bad, being as small, weak, and powerless as I was. But this is just an example of many such thoughts.
I see through my ages that I have discovered, accepted, reconsidered, and abandoned a host of thoughts regarding every subject under the sun and many which are beyond the realm of even the universe as we know it. I have struggled, wrestling with notions of self, others, right, wrong, and the rest. I have always been certain that there is a better way, a meaning to goodness, and the existence of evil. But I have never been able to find a perfect or absolute notion of reality. And, at each age, my notions have changed, in what I hope has been the magic of growth created by a concentrated and unflinching search for truth.
In remembering these things I have no option but to be patient where I can be. Some evil must be thwarted, with my life, if necessary. And yet, poor decisions and thinking by others must be borne, to some degree, in the hope that they too will find their way. I cannot, in most cases, remain quiet when asked or confronted. What I can do is use prudence to offer possibilities, to plant seeds which might mature into something greater, and to gently offer what I am more sure of or the sources of my surety, as so many have done for me.
I have so much more growth potential. I am still small and weak, at times. And no matter how well I gain a footing, I know I am an amateur in navigating life and I will remain so until my death. I will never reach the goal. If I can learn how to most properly use the crutches around me, knowing when and how to use those tools to get what needs to be done completed in their times, that will be as good as it gets. All of those strange or still familiar thoughts and perceptions of the world around me have lead me not to greatness, power, and wealth, but to a humility of living that I feel graced to know.
It has been a wonderful life. I have met and love so many people, and have been so many people. I see that in the eyes of many, though not all, around me. Within each person is a thousand people they were and a million people they could have become. But also, before me, each time, is one special being. A man or woman, unlike any animal, who has become something unique and perhaps special through a thousand, perhaps a thousand thousand, sets of thoughts, decisions, and hope. Not only is it a grace to exist and to be who I am, it is often even more of a grace to touch the lives of those around me.
Doh! Reading her makes me do this! Though some of you all reach in and rend writing, thought, and considerations from me. Your sentiments and sensibilities are not lost here, on me, even if we disagree… mostly. :p
Tylenol.
.
.
I have just been suffering through the aches in my neck and the severe headaches I have had for the last few weeks. But I have had enough. So, I will try buckets of Tylenol. That is what was recommended when I was on high blood pressure medicines, since it did not interfere with those medicines. And, at that time, I was more active about treating even little pains as they interfered with my studies and trying to lead a life. As is, I was simply trying to ignore the pain but the pain is becoming more like migraines now. Nausea, confusion, light sensitivity, and sever pain really deserves to be treated. At least it is not yet as bad as it can be. Yes, buckets of Tylenol, 1400 milligrams up to four times a day, is what I was allowed before, along with some medicine to help with the nausea (though I have dumped that along with all other prescription medicine). Then again, since I am not taking other medicines, I may see if other painkillers are better, if these do not work.
I was able to stay awake 16 hours in my last effort. If the time of day I am awake is a bit complicated in order to do some business, and if that is pretty much all I can do, it is something. There is the odd chance that I will get other things done if I can just stay awake long enough. I suppose that is as good as it gets for now. And, it is better than the last few weeks by far. Of course, being awake more means I am more vulnerable to the headache pains. As I said about suffering though, it has it’s purposes. As well, I am trying to treat it now too.
I had thought to tone down my rhetoric when blogging. It seems I have actually ratcheted it up. On the other side of the deal, however, I think that though I am using a stronger voice, I am also using a more reasoned line of recourse and avoiding the reddest of the red meat, mostly. Though it is not what I suggested I would do, I think it is better than what I was doing, and maybe in the final analysis it is more like what I had wished to accomplish. Either that or I am merely psychologically covering for my failure. Who knows, but I will ponder the point.
That’s it. I am going to let you off this murderously boring train (of thought?) early today. Now, go out and tell some one they are important to you. Find a bum and tell them that God loves them. Find something good to do or say. And remember to feed yourself. You may be at the bottom of the ladder, but without you, the stellar would be at least one rung down and just as possibly (or more), flat on their backs in pain due to a failure of their support system. Yes, you are important. Besides, God loves you, He told me so.
.
I have just been suffering through the aches in my neck and the severe headaches I have had for the last few weeks. But I have had enough. So, I will try buckets of Tylenol. That is what was recommended when I was on high blood pressure medicines, since it did not interfere with those medicines. And, at that time, I was more active about treating even little pains as they interfered with my studies and trying to lead a life. As is, I was simply trying to ignore the pain but the pain is becoming more like migraines now. Nausea, confusion, light sensitivity, and sever pain really deserves to be treated. At least it is not yet as bad as it can be. Yes, buckets of Tylenol, 1400 milligrams up to four times a day, is what I was allowed before, along with some medicine to help with the nausea (though I have dumped that along with all other prescription medicine). Then again, since I am not taking other medicines, I may see if other painkillers are better, if these do not work.
I was able to stay awake 16 hours in my last effort. If the time of day I am awake is a bit complicated in order to do some business, and if that is pretty much all I can do, it is something. There is the odd chance that I will get other things done if I can just stay awake long enough. I suppose that is as good as it gets for now. And, it is better than the last few weeks by far. Of course, being awake more means I am more vulnerable to the headache pains. As I said about suffering though, it has it’s purposes. As well, I am trying to treat it now too.
I had thought to tone down my rhetoric when blogging. It seems I have actually ratcheted it up. On the other side of the deal, however, I think that though I am using a stronger voice, I am also using a more reasoned line of recourse and avoiding the reddest of the red meat, mostly. Though it is not what I suggested I would do, I think it is better than what I was doing, and maybe in the final analysis it is more like what I had wished to accomplish. Either that or I am merely psychologically covering for my failure. Who knows, but I will ponder the point.
That’s it. I am going to let you off this murderously boring train (of thought?) early today. Now, go out and tell some one they are important to you. Find a bum and tell them that God loves them. Find something good to do or say. And remember to feed yourself. You may be at the bottom of the ladder, but without you, the stellar would be at least one rung down and just as possibly (or more), flat on their backs in pain due to a failure of their support system. Yes, you are important. Besides, God loves you, He told me so.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Updates and some thoughts.
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I made it to 14:00. I could go no further yesterday. I did do a few cleaning and cooking chores, but that was it. I set the alarm clock in order to try and wake up. Not a chance, I did not awaken until 23:00. So, it just is not working right now. I will keep trying, and try to do some of the other things on my list. *sigh*
I have been reading a bit. Blogs are my reading sources of choice. The “News” is dysfunctional. Reading books takes more than I can gather to keep it together. I like to track details, people, and connections. If I cannot do that over two to three hundred pages or more, I let it go.
Some things I have seen debated, or have extracted from the debates: should women fear men; what is women's place in society; Whether law should be blind, perhaps to the point of stupidity, or whether it should be prejudiced; and how conservatives can take control of the Republican party, or create our own. Of course, I have some thoughts about these. I will try not to be too cynical, short, or spiteful.
Should women fear men? It is a simple question, and the answer is yes and no. By that I mean they should fear men, just not consciously. How this is performed is that women have to know they are not the equals of men. Physically, they will lose, even quite often if all things are not equal. Her will is no good against a man who wants something from her. However, if she lives a good life, and uses some common sense with her associations and how she associates, this fear should be more passive. Good men will not, even when we do not get our way, physically override a woman’s will. Not all men are good. And knowing which is which is not indefatigably definable without finding ones’ self in trouble. So, do not associate freely and singularly until wisdom and knowledge is stronger. A cage, I suppose, but never believe any of us are not caged. Even men know one bad choice can be our last.
Women do have a place in society, work, medicine, and lots of other areas. However, their strongest place is as a partner to a man, mother to children, and domestic mistress. Outside of that, she can function. I would argue, she is less efficient in those other areas. It is not that business, science, and such were made for men, it is that their rigors are more easily borne by men. Long hours, dirty situations (mud, oil, etc) do not put men at as great of a risk. Men get sick less than often than women, in any case. Women have chosen to “do it for themselves”. While that seems fine, our culture and population, has probably come to an end. What will replace it will not allow any such foolishness. At this point, does it matter? The only answer I can suggest is, maybe. Or more, perhaps, with faith.
Should the law ignore the details, including often previous behavior, demographics (or that but only one way), social norms (which the judiciary seems to try to bypass in any case), and such. The answer is that the judiciary needs to be on top of it. Yes, they need to be blind in distributing justice evenly from crime to crime, but they cannot ignore common sense, prior activity, or even statistics. Being blind and stupid is not in our favor. It will lead to street justice, which often turns quite ugly and then often morphs into greater problems (think gangs and the mafia). Our system is becoming defunct simply because it will not do what it should, that is, protect us from serious threats. When a false rape accusation can ruin a man even if he is found innocent and nothing is done to the woman, when killing a dog even if in an ugly way can get as great a sentence as killing a human, when pedophiles are allowed to slide until they kill and then given lighter sentences that dog killing, things have gone so far that one has to consider abandoning all the law, lawyers, law schools, judges, and law makers for the last half a century, and restarting things from that time from scratch.
So much is wrong and there are no simple or easy means of correcting these things. Then again, a revolution would not necessarily be any better. Our revolution was one success in a nearly vacant field of such events which ended successfully. The French Revolution turned into mass murder then a dictator, the German NAZI revolution was a murderous regime from the start as well, and the Russian, Chinese, Cuban, and Venezuelan revolution have all gone down the ladder to the most base of human bestiality as fast as they could. There is little difference between the depravity of socialism and communism. Kings were better, for some large part.
I am not sure what could work, but being more for action than patience, I still lean toward revolution, of some sort or other. But first, we will have to find our Washington, Franklin, and others. Then, we will have to collect. I guess the first thing to do is to see if the military is constitutional or if they will "simply follow orders". Anyway, lots to fix, little time, and in the end, it may not matter. However, since I have seen none of the signs of the end, I think if we fail, we are just in for a global governance along the lines of the E.U., or more, to Hitler’s ideals for governance. Those “smart uniforms” and that absolute secular certainty will not seem so great to those who currently dream of secular governance. They never got to see NAZIs decline into the same type of corruption and evil (often denying the concentration camps) that Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and the others had time to exhibit (who they often just deny knowing anything about).
And another thing, secularism is always weak. It will fail against islam. Britain and Canada are now at least mulling over incorporating sharia law into their legal systems, among other nations. In the end, women, as well as men, will be far less free than they have any understanding at this time. No one in this nation has ever been a slave. No one here has had to submit to political dictation, down to celebrating the political leader’s birthdays, buying the books they write, and either joining “The Party” or being left on the sidelines of society. Heck, no one has even been put in jail for not being employed (while having employment be based completely on political affiliations, if that is actually seeming to become the case, starting in academia decades ago and spreading like rot from there).
Yeah, this is going to hurt. One way or the other, Americans will know war on their soil like never before or they will wake up or both. Or, they will kneel and obey, openly, not sneakily as in academia, medicine, unions, and other professions now.
Oh well, I need sleep again.
.
I made it to 14:00. I could go no further yesterday. I did do a few cleaning and cooking chores, but that was it. I set the alarm clock in order to try and wake up. Not a chance, I did not awaken until 23:00. So, it just is not working right now. I will keep trying, and try to do some of the other things on my list. *sigh*
I have been reading a bit. Blogs are my reading sources of choice. The “News” is dysfunctional. Reading books takes more than I can gather to keep it together. I like to track details, people, and connections. If I cannot do that over two to three hundred pages or more, I let it go.
Some things I have seen debated, or have extracted from the debates: should women fear men; what is women's place in society; Whether law should be blind, perhaps to the point of stupidity, or whether it should be prejudiced; and how conservatives can take control of the Republican party, or create our own. Of course, I have some thoughts about these. I will try not to be too cynical, short, or spiteful.
Should women fear men? It is a simple question, and the answer is yes and no. By that I mean they should fear men, just not consciously. How this is performed is that women have to know they are not the equals of men. Physically, they will lose, even quite often if all things are not equal. Her will is no good against a man who wants something from her. However, if she lives a good life, and uses some common sense with her associations and how she associates, this fear should be more passive. Good men will not, even when we do not get our way, physically override a woman’s will. Not all men are good. And knowing which is which is not indefatigably definable without finding ones’ self in trouble. So, do not associate freely and singularly until wisdom and knowledge is stronger. A cage, I suppose, but never believe any of us are not caged. Even men know one bad choice can be our last.
Women do have a place in society, work, medicine, and lots of other areas. However, their strongest place is as a partner to a man, mother to children, and domestic mistress. Outside of that, she can function. I would argue, she is less efficient in those other areas. It is not that business, science, and such were made for men, it is that their rigors are more easily borne by men. Long hours, dirty situations (mud, oil, etc) do not put men at as great of a risk. Men get sick less than often than women, in any case. Women have chosen to “do it for themselves”. While that seems fine, our culture and population, has probably come to an end. What will replace it will not allow any such foolishness. At this point, does it matter? The only answer I can suggest is, maybe. Or more, perhaps, with faith.
Should the law ignore the details, including often previous behavior, demographics (or that but only one way), social norms (which the judiciary seems to try to bypass in any case), and such. The answer is that the judiciary needs to be on top of it. Yes, they need to be blind in distributing justice evenly from crime to crime, but they cannot ignore common sense, prior activity, or even statistics. Being blind and stupid is not in our favor. It will lead to street justice, which often turns quite ugly and then often morphs into greater problems (think gangs and the mafia). Our system is becoming defunct simply because it will not do what it should, that is, protect us from serious threats. When a false rape accusation can ruin a man even if he is found innocent and nothing is done to the woman, when killing a dog even if in an ugly way can get as great a sentence as killing a human, when pedophiles are allowed to slide until they kill and then given lighter sentences that dog killing, things have gone so far that one has to consider abandoning all the law, lawyers, law schools, judges, and law makers for the last half a century, and restarting things from that time from scratch.
So much is wrong and there are no simple or easy means of correcting these things. Then again, a revolution would not necessarily be any better. Our revolution was one success in a nearly vacant field of such events which ended successfully. The French Revolution turned into mass murder then a dictator, the German NAZI revolution was a murderous regime from the start as well, and the Russian, Chinese, Cuban, and Venezuelan revolution have all gone down the ladder to the most base of human bestiality as fast as they could. There is little difference between the depravity of socialism and communism. Kings were better, for some large part.
I am not sure what could work, but being more for action than patience, I still lean toward revolution, of some sort or other. But first, we will have to find our Washington, Franklin, and others. Then, we will have to collect. I guess the first thing to do is to see if the military is constitutional or if they will "simply follow orders". Anyway, lots to fix, little time, and in the end, it may not matter. However, since I have seen none of the signs of the end, I think if we fail, we are just in for a global governance along the lines of the E.U., or more, to Hitler’s ideals for governance. Those “smart uniforms” and that absolute secular certainty will not seem so great to those who currently dream of secular governance. They never got to see NAZIs decline into the same type of corruption and evil (often denying the concentration camps) that Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and the others had time to exhibit (who they often just deny knowing anything about).
And another thing, secularism is always weak. It will fail against islam. Britain and Canada are now at least mulling over incorporating sharia law into their legal systems, among other nations. In the end, women, as well as men, will be far less free than they have any understanding at this time. No one in this nation has ever been a slave. No one here has had to submit to political dictation, down to celebrating the political leader’s birthdays, buying the books they write, and either joining “The Party” or being left on the sidelines of society. Heck, no one has even been put in jail for not being employed (while having employment be based completely on political affiliations, if that is actually seeming to become the case, starting in academia decades ago and spreading like rot from there).
Yeah, this is going to hurt. One way or the other, Americans will know war on their soil like never before or they will wake up or both. Or, they will kneel and obey, openly, not sneakily as in academia, medicine, unions, and other professions now.
Oh well, I need sleep again.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
A little more suffering.
.
.
I woke this morning at 6:00 or so. I had to push to stay in bed until then, but I think it was worth it. It is difficult to sleep as long as I should or stay awake as I would have it, sometimes it is just not possible. But, out of bed I am and with some normal type of sleep. The rest was not good, and I am tired, but I think I will push on. I had best concentrate on one or two things at a time. If they seem minor, they do help sort things in my mind. It is sometimes, though not always, my mind which backs away from a seemingly overwhelming problem or group of problems. One thing at a time, maybe two. Then I can start adding things in, as I see the need, as I regain function, and as I find the satisfaction of small successes.
I shaved before I went to bed last night. The barbarian look is gone, for the year. I have been growing my beard the last two winters, and I really doing that now. And, I have been and will probably continue to shave it off in the summer. To be honest though, I think it is as cooling in the summer as it is warming in the winter. As with seasons, I enjoy a bit of change from time to time. It is odd, now, when I go to scratch or fidget with my beard only to find skin.
I made a few eggs and a few slices of bacon for breakfast. It is so good to have a clean kitchen. With the plumbing fixed, and the dishes done, I believe I will have a much easier time of staying on top of that. At my worst, a few weeks may pass, and a few things will get lined up for cleaning. This was more than that by a lot. I am still waking up. Yeah, I know. But like I said, I did not sleep well. This is where the title comes in… a little more suffering.
When things get arranged so that I may begin my trek back to worldly concerns, I always have to suffer. It is no different than when one sits wrong, or for too long, and a limb falls asleep. Or when one has not exercised in a while and then they begin again. Pain seems to be a part of all life, from birth, to teen years, to middle age, and finally in death. And, it is often a good thing. It indicates that the body mind and soul are functioning properly, for the most part. Without it, in any case, joy would be that much less sweet, we would not sense a problem, and we would not grow. And, so, I am glad for this difficulty. I do not go seeking pain, but when it is presented as a normal healthy part of life, like life itself I accept it with gratitude.
I think today’s schedule will be light. A visit to the bank, a call to HP, a little more cleaning and the trash out, and maybe some sorting of CD’s. I want them in alphabetical order, though some of them perhaps, will go into their own cases, by theme (such as classical music). As well, I plan on cleaning up from breakfast more completely (though there is little to do since I prepared and served efficiently), and making another meal which will last a day or two.
I am still unsure about what to do about an apartment. To be honest, I may have to do something far different than what I have been planning, in the short term. I have several notions in mind, I will hold those for a bit. It does weigh heavily on me. Time, money, other resources, and such, are making this a real drag. Oh, and not knowing what to expect of costs associated with the move. I really need to call Pods.
I have been thinking about some things. I have been questioning whether I should comment on other people’s blogs, again. This revisitation of the old theme is a bit different now, however. It is no longer about whether I or what I have to say is of value or any of that jazz. What I wonder about is whether I should be applying my notions of life to the world around me. Should I, as a Catholic, indicate that I believe marriage is a holy union? Should I, as a man, indicate what I perceive to be the truth regarding men and women and cultural norms? Should I, as a conservative, pen my name to ideas which sometimes do and sometimes do not follow some “perfect vision” of that association? At this time, I think I should, though perhaps I could go about it differently.
For now I will continue. And, I believe, I will not ever stop commenting. However, what I would like to do is speak more sincerely, less cynically, and perhaps less abrasively. Some things cannot be said differently, much like if you are in a fight you cannot tap your opponent. What I have learned about fighting I believe will apply here as well. If you do not want to fight you can certainly avoid that. Do not go to bars with a rowdy reputation, do not speak out of turn, if you see trouble leave, and such. Well, that is the idea. And though I have given up fighting for the most part, it will be more difficult to leave reading certain blogs which incite such. These are blogs I use for news, as information regarding cultural and social issues which are important to me, and for linking with like minded individuals. This is where, perhaps, prudence may play a part. Thinking before I write rather than reacting would be a good play. Looking at the source of what excites me in what I am reading and breaking it down into the fundamentals and debating those rather than arguing some vague point or exception would be good. Lord knows, I love red meat. But should I love it with a hook in it? Yes, maybe I have been a bit too easy.
.
I woke this morning at 6:00 or so. I had to push to stay in bed until then, but I think it was worth it. It is difficult to sleep as long as I should or stay awake as I would have it, sometimes it is just not possible. But, out of bed I am and with some normal type of sleep. The rest was not good, and I am tired, but I think I will push on. I had best concentrate on one or two things at a time. If they seem minor, they do help sort things in my mind. It is sometimes, though not always, my mind which backs away from a seemingly overwhelming problem or group of problems. One thing at a time, maybe two. Then I can start adding things in, as I see the need, as I regain function, and as I find the satisfaction of small successes.
I shaved before I went to bed last night. The barbarian look is gone, for the year. I have been growing my beard the last two winters, and I really doing that now. And, I have been and will probably continue to shave it off in the summer. To be honest though, I think it is as cooling in the summer as it is warming in the winter. As with seasons, I enjoy a bit of change from time to time. It is odd, now, when I go to scratch or fidget with my beard only to find skin.
I made a few eggs and a few slices of bacon for breakfast. It is so good to have a clean kitchen. With the plumbing fixed, and the dishes done, I believe I will have a much easier time of staying on top of that. At my worst, a few weeks may pass, and a few things will get lined up for cleaning. This was more than that by a lot. I am still waking up. Yeah, I know. But like I said, I did not sleep well. This is where the title comes in… a little more suffering.
When things get arranged so that I may begin my trek back to worldly concerns, I always have to suffer. It is no different than when one sits wrong, or for too long, and a limb falls asleep. Or when one has not exercised in a while and then they begin again. Pain seems to be a part of all life, from birth, to teen years, to middle age, and finally in death. And, it is often a good thing. It indicates that the body mind and soul are functioning properly, for the most part. Without it, in any case, joy would be that much less sweet, we would not sense a problem, and we would not grow. And, so, I am glad for this difficulty. I do not go seeking pain, but when it is presented as a normal healthy part of life, like life itself I accept it with gratitude.
I think today’s schedule will be light. A visit to the bank, a call to HP, a little more cleaning and the trash out, and maybe some sorting of CD’s. I want them in alphabetical order, though some of them perhaps, will go into their own cases, by theme (such as classical music). As well, I plan on cleaning up from breakfast more completely (though there is little to do since I prepared and served efficiently), and making another meal which will last a day or two.
I am still unsure about what to do about an apartment. To be honest, I may have to do something far different than what I have been planning, in the short term. I have several notions in mind, I will hold those for a bit. It does weigh heavily on me. Time, money, other resources, and such, are making this a real drag. Oh, and not knowing what to expect of costs associated with the move. I really need to call Pods.
I have been thinking about some things. I have been questioning whether I should comment on other people’s blogs, again. This revisitation of the old theme is a bit different now, however. It is no longer about whether I or what I have to say is of value or any of that jazz. What I wonder about is whether I should be applying my notions of life to the world around me. Should I, as a Catholic, indicate that I believe marriage is a holy union? Should I, as a man, indicate what I perceive to be the truth regarding men and women and cultural norms? Should I, as a conservative, pen my name to ideas which sometimes do and sometimes do not follow some “perfect vision” of that association? At this time, I think I should, though perhaps I could go about it differently.
For now I will continue. And, I believe, I will not ever stop commenting. However, what I would like to do is speak more sincerely, less cynically, and perhaps less abrasively. Some things cannot be said differently, much like if you are in a fight you cannot tap your opponent. What I have learned about fighting I believe will apply here as well. If you do not want to fight you can certainly avoid that. Do not go to bars with a rowdy reputation, do not speak out of turn, if you see trouble leave, and such. Well, that is the idea. And though I have given up fighting for the most part, it will be more difficult to leave reading certain blogs which incite such. These are blogs I use for news, as information regarding cultural and social issues which are important to me, and for linking with like minded individuals. This is where, perhaps, prudence may play a part. Thinking before I write rather than reacting would be a good play. Looking at the source of what excites me in what I am reading and breaking it down into the fundamentals and debating those rather than arguing some vague point or exception would be good. Lord knows, I love red meat. But should I love it with a hook in it? Yes, maybe I have been a bit too easy.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Today.
.
.
Actually, today has been since yesterday morning, I believe. Or was it afternoon? In any case, I had promised to give someone a ride today. And, so I did. However, with my schedule being off (sleeping days and staying up nights), I knew the only way I could keep that promise was to stay awake overnight. And, so I did. I also hoped to change my schedule around, get some work done in the early Monday hours, and begin figuring things out. And, again, so I did.
Since it was early, and none of the hardware stores were open, I went to Wal-Mart to see about plumbing supplies. Happily I found precisely what I needed, and quite inexpensively. I will be taking the other supplies back to Lowes for a refund. While Wal-Mart had only one thing to choose and Lowes had dozens (but nothing that worked!), I had little choice. Weird. I also installed the parts and my plumbing works! I checked at the neighbor’s door at 10:00, as had been the deal. She was not ready, and would not be for an hour. So, I went out and had breakfast (my kitchen was still a mess). When I returned, she was waiting.
I took her to her appointment and learned more about her. I also learned that she is liberal. Oh, nothing she said, just how she responded. As with my Mother and my long time lady friend, when they get in uncomfortable waters and are asked to think, they shut down. Same with this woman. Well, this IS Iowa City, the Burkley of the Mid-West. And, she does fit here. Still, it was done.
When she returned, she asked if she could stop by for a visit. I suggested my house was a mess. Between the plumbing, the move, and my exhaustion, I did not think it was fit to have company. She asked if she could help, as a return for my driving and occasional meal buying. Sure! And, now, my kitchen is clean and usable. I did help, though I was wearing down. I dried some things, put stuff away she did not know where to put, and ended up mopping the floor (the dishwasher had backed up, so starting it, then stopping it, and then opening it left the kitchen floor quite wet). I also, earlier, had partially cleaned the bathroom.
It is not perfect, but it is a huge dent in an untenable (to me) situation. And, if I can get my days and nights turned around (or not), get going a bit on the little bits left, perhaps I can swing my bumb bum into gear and get back on the road. I really ought to have a jar of pickled pork feet, but honestly I am too tired to enjoy it. It is on my list, hopefully after another batch of work. It will be the 7th meal I have eaten in the last 12 days. Oh, I thought about eating, and I have been very hungry… I just did not know what to do about it. I was too tired to even go out and do a drive-thru.
One day does not a week make. I will take what I can get, when I can get it, at this point though. Now, my last job of the day, is to stay a w a k e t w o o r t h r e e m o r e h o u r s. *sigh* It needs to be done. And yes, sometimes, if they ever really do end up doing so, I can probably set my own broken bones. I sometimes wonder if I just love suffering or if I am just lucky that way. Ack!
.
Actually, today has been since yesterday morning, I believe. Or was it afternoon? In any case, I had promised to give someone a ride today. And, so I did. However, with my schedule being off (sleeping days and staying up nights), I knew the only way I could keep that promise was to stay awake overnight. And, so I did. I also hoped to change my schedule around, get some work done in the early Monday hours, and begin figuring things out. And, again, so I did.
Since it was early, and none of the hardware stores were open, I went to Wal-Mart to see about plumbing supplies. Happily I found precisely what I needed, and quite inexpensively. I will be taking the other supplies back to Lowes for a refund. While Wal-Mart had only one thing to choose and Lowes had dozens (but nothing that worked!), I had little choice. Weird. I also installed the parts and my plumbing works! I checked at the neighbor’s door at 10:00, as had been the deal. She was not ready, and would not be for an hour. So, I went out and had breakfast (my kitchen was still a mess). When I returned, she was waiting.
I took her to her appointment and learned more about her. I also learned that she is liberal. Oh, nothing she said, just how she responded. As with my Mother and my long time lady friend, when they get in uncomfortable waters and are asked to think, they shut down. Same with this woman. Well, this IS Iowa City, the Burkley of the Mid-West. And, she does fit here. Still, it was done.
When she returned, she asked if she could stop by for a visit. I suggested my house was a mess. Between the plumbing, the move, and my exhaustion, I did not think it was fit to have company. She asked if she could help, as a return for my driving and occasional meal buying. Sure! And, now, my kitchen is clean and usable. I did help, though I was wearing down. I dried some things, put stuff away she did not know where to put, and ended up mopping the floor (the dishwasher had backed up, so starting it, then stopping it, and then opening it left the kitchen floor quite wet). I also, earlier, had partially cleaned the bathroom.
It is not perfect, but it is a huge dent in an untenable (to me) situation. And, if I can get my days and nights turned around (or not), get going a bit on the little bits left, perhaps I can swing my bumb bum into gear and get back on the road. I really ought to have a jar of pickled pork feet, but honestly I am too tired to enjoy it. It is on my list, hopefully after another batch of work. It will be the 7th meal I have eaten in the last 12 days. Oh, I thought about eating, and I have been very hungry… I just did not know what to do about it. I was too tired to even go out and do a drive-thru.
One day does not a week make. I will take what I can get, when I can get it, at this point though. Now, my last job of the day, is to stay a w a k e t w o o r t h r e e m o r e h o u r s. *sigh* It needs to be done. And yes, sometimes, if they ever really do end up doing so, I can probably set my own broken bones. I sometimes wonder if I just love suffering or if I am just lucky that way. Ack!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Every once in a while it all makes some sense.
.
.
Though I do have real difficulties, I am allowed to see others who are far more troubled. There are various ways I see this. When I have felt bad about having a bit of a belly, I saw a show about the 1,000 pound man. I am, generally speaking, able to physically do anything anyone else can do and sometimes I can do far more. I can, generally, cook for myself, shop, take care of all my basic needs, and move around. That man could not even go to the bathroom! But there are other cases. I see disabled people who so poorly manage any moneys or alms they receive, or receive so little, that they live in squalor, and or on the streets, and do not eat and drink well, and further, they seem to fall into dark lives through being broken down or giving up. As well, as bad as I may have been before finding my way Home, I see others who have lived far worse. Though I parted from God, and I did indeed sin, my sins were more animal. I had many relationships, I fought a good deal, I was not necessarily trustworthy in peripheral manners, but I did not seek out evil for it’s own sake. The one I discuss came back Home as well. But I see many who will not end their ways. Considering all, I am very blessed.
I completed a few chores today. I will not list them, as they are quite minor. However, it is more than I have been able to do in over a week. I am setting up to do even more work tonight. Perhaps if I can nibble at the cracker, eventually my psyche can find a way to consume the whole thing. And then, begin a diet of simple task crackers that end up feeding my needs. My exhaustion is a horror, still. If I did not have a history, I would seek medical attention. It is as if I have a minor stroke, only the weakness is distributed to both sides of my body, therefore not quite literally crippling. Breathing is difficult, staying awake is difficult, moving around is tough. A few tasks completed is actually a big thing. I do not know if doing more will really help me get out of this. It cannot hurt though, and it might play a part in improving my health and capacity to do more. It is difficult to see anything clearly, though, at the moment.
My mother received her flowers today. I was not awake to receive any of her calls, but from the messages, I think she was very happy. I still think it is too funny how pleased women are with flowers and getting them on certain days! I cannot seem to please women in general, and generally. But if this is it, then so be it. I will probably call another woman on Mother’s Day. Though she no longer has contact with her children, she did give birth, and she loved as she could or understood. Oh, and I ought to keep that flower thing in mind. If a woman cries, all I know is it is either really good or really bad. This one, I think, is good. *grins*
Well, I should try to figure out what I am trying to figure out. And, once that is done, perhaps I ought to try and act on it. Pickled pork feet await as a treat for some successful work.
.
Though I do have real difficulties, I am allowed to see others who are far more troubled. There are various ways I see this. When I have felt bad about having a bit of a belly, I saw a show about the 1,000 pound man. I am, generally speaking, able to physically do anything anyone else can do and sometimes I can do far more. I can, generally, cook for myself, shop, take care of all my basic needs, and move around. That man could not even go to the bathroom! But there are other cases. I see disabled people who so poorly manage any moneys or alms they receive, or receive so little, that they live in squalor, and or on the streets, and do not eat and drink well, and further, they seem to fall into dark lives through being broken down or giving up. As well, as bad as I may have been before finding my way Home, I see others who have lived far worse. Though I parted from God, and I did indeed sin, my sins were more animal. I had many relationships, I fought a good deal, I was not necessarily trustworthy in peripheral manners, but I did not seek out evil for it’s own sake. The one I discuss came back Home as well. But I see many who will not end their ways. Considering all, I am very blessed.
I completed a few chores today. I will not list them, as they are quite minor. However, it is more than I have been able to do in over a week. I am setting up to do even more work tonight. Perhaps if I can nibble at the cracker, eventually my psyche can find a way to consume the whole thing. And then, begin a diet of simple task crackers that end up feeding my needs. My exhaustion is a horror, still. If I did not have a history, I would seek medical attention. It is as if I have a minor stroke, only the weakness is distributed to both sides of my body, therefore not quite literally crippling. Breathing is difficult, staying awake is difficult, moving around is tough. A few tasks completed is actually a big thing. I do not know if doing more will really help me get out of this. It cannot hurt though, and it might play a part in improving my health and capacity to do more. It is difficult to see anything clearly, though, at the moment.
My mother received her flowers today. I was not awake to receive any of her calls, but from the messages, I think she was very happy. I still think it is too funny how pleased women are with flowers and getting them on certain days! I cannot seem to please women in general, and generally. But if this is it, then so be it. I will probably call another woman on Mother’s Day. Though she no longer has contact with her children, she did give birth, and she loved as she could or understood. Oh, and I ought to keep that flower thing in mind. If a woman cries, all I know is it is either really good or really bad. This one, I think, is good. *grins*
Well, I should try to figure out what I am trying to figure out. And, once that is done, perhaps I ought to try and act on it. Pickled pork feet await as a treat for some successful work.
Perhaps the outlook is improving.
.
.
I am still struggling. If I have done little, I have also not fallen into complete disrepair. I try to keep my eye on what needs to be done, without dispair. I try to be awake and as functional as possible when I am able to be awake. And, if I happen to see a chink in the wall that bars me, literally, from acting, I will try to escape my prison and get whatever done that I can get done. It is frustrating. I suppose it would be like flying and airplane and having the engines quit. You know that panicking will not help. You know that you cannot just pump the engines, at least at first. It is better to go through a checklist, look for problems while you are doing that, and then trying to restart the engines in an ordered manner. Too concentrated of an effort to start the engines might drain the battery, flood something, or overlook a minor problem preventing the re-ignition. So, I fall, as calmly as possible, rationally looking for my wings.
I did take care of Mother’s Day! I sent my Mom a dozen mixed roses. The advert suggested they would be less expensive than they ended up. The trick was that you had to sign up for a year program with them with a monthly fee, after which they would "reimburse" the cost of shipping. If I regularly ordered flowers, it might have been worth it, though I think I would have had to order a lot to make it pay for itself. Oh well, the price was about right for what I ordered, ordered any other way, so no real skin off my nose. I thought I would receive a call today, as this is as late as they could be delivered. No call. I hope she got them, I will be highly agitated if she did not, especially with the false advertisement too boot.
My lady friend popped in today. I think she finally understands how bad of a situation I am in. She forgets, sometimes, how bad it can get. She knows what tired is, and it haunts her. She does not understand being crippled by it. When we lived together, she never understood. Now, about 99% of the time, I was able to make her a dinner before work. She had to do shopping some of the time, and more so if she wanted a very specific dish, or set of dishes, for the meal (I bought groceries, generally, but refused to by "organic" foods for every dish, or even most meals). But there were times where my efforts were minimalist (though I think she greatly enjoyed these too). I simply could not engage in a serious (my version) three to five course meal. And, there were times, weeks even months, where that was all I could do. She forgets, easily. It has been a while since it has been like that. The medicine I was taking was working grandly, certainly better than without, and for almost two years. Too bad the new doctor dropped it and I could neither find the same results in private medicine nor afford private medical care.
I know I thought I was getting better before. But this time, I think it is coming around again. Recovery can be slow, I can stumble on that path, but I just feel it approaching. I am not sure if I can do anything to help it. I am trying to drink plenty of water, though eating is difficult as it is complicated by the kitchen problem, my general inability to cook anyway, and finances. Somehow, my bank is saying my checking account is dry. It really should not be. I have been meaning to get in and check that out, but getting out of bed is about as much as I have been able to muster, and then only weakly. Yes, it is a mess. I have had worse, I do think I am getting a bit better, and I am keeping my head about me this time more easily. Ack!
Good night, or good morning as the case may be.
.
I am still struggling. If I have done little, I have also not fallen into complete disrepair. I try to keep my eye on what needs to be done, without dispair. I try to be awake and as functional as possible when I am able to be awake. And, if I happen to see a chink in the wall that bars me, literally, from acting, I will try to escape my prison and get whatever done that I can get done. It is frustrating. I suppose it would be like flying and airplane and having the engines quit. You know that panicking will not help. You know that you cannot just pump the engines, at least at first. It is better to go through a checklist, look for problems while you are doing that, and then trying to restart the engines in an ordered manner. Too concentrated of an effort to start the engines might drain the battery, flood something, or overlook a minor problem preventing the re-ignition. So, I fall, as calmly as possible, rationally looking for my wings.
I did take care of Mother’s Day! I sent my Mom a dozen mixed roses. The advert suggested they would be less expensive than they ended up. The trick was that you had to sign up for a year program with them with a monthly fee, after which they would "reimburse" the cost of shipping. If I regularly ordered flowers, it might have been worth it, though I think I would have had to order a lot to make it pay for itself. Oh well, the price was about right for what I ordered, ordered any other way, so no real skin off my nose. I thought I would receive a call today, as this is as late as they could be delivered. No call. I hope she got them, I will be highly agitated if she did not, especially with the false advertisement too boot.
My lady friend popped in today. I think she finally understands how bad of a situation I am in. She forgets, sometimes, how bad it can get. She knows what tired is, and it haunts her. She does not understand being crippled by it. When we lived together, she never understood. Now, about 99% of the time, I was able to make her a dinner before work. She had to do shopping some of the time, and more so if she wanted a very specific dish, or set of dishes, for the meal (I bought groceries, generally, but refused to by "organic" foods for every dish, or even most meals). But there were times where my efforts were minimalist (though I think she greatly enjoyed these too). I simply could not engage in a serious (my version) three to five course meal. And, there were times, weeks even months, where that was all I could do. She forgets, easily. It has been a while since it has been like that. The medicine I was taking was working grandly, certainly better than without, and for almost two years. Too bad the new doctor dropped it and I could neither find the same results in private medicine nor afford private medical care.
I know I thought I was getting better before. But this time, I think it is coming around again. Recovery can be slow, I can stumble on that path, but I just feel it approaching. I am not sure if I can do anything to help it. I am trying to drink plenty of water, though eating is difficult as it is complicated by the kitchen problem, my general inability to cook anyway, and finances. Somehow, my bank is saying my checking account is dry. It really should not be. I have been meaning to get in and check that out, but getting out of bed is about as much as I have been able to muster, and then only weakly. Yes, it is a mess. I have had worse, I do think I am getting a bit better, and I am keeping my head about me this time more easily. Ack!
Good night, or good morning as the case may be.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Sleep.
.
.
I am sleeping many hours a day. I have some things I really need to get done, but my exhaustion is out of control. I try to eat as well as I can, I try to remain awake, I watch the temperature in the cave, and whatever else I can think of to help. Nothing is working. Not having a functioning kitchen does not help, though it is not a major factor. The items I purchased are not quite right. I tried to put them in and found that one piece is a problem. I do not believe I saw a piece that would work at the particular hardware store I visited. So, not only do I need to take everything back, I need to find, somewhere, items that will work.
I have tried to call my mother. If nothing else, a familiar voice might be good to hear. And, I am hoping the medicine she has started is helping. Aging is supposed to cause slowing. But it is not supposed to cause crippling and pain along with painful exhaustion. I know the latter, but thankfully and for the most part, that is only occasional and does not include the former choices. She was knowing all of it. I am very hopeful that some or all of that can be eliminated. The slowing she will just have to learn to cope with though.
I seem to be able to be awake, if barely, from during later afternoons and into the evenings. Sometimes I need a nap in there. And, from really early morning until early morning or so. Alarm clocks do not help. Though they wake me enough to come to consciousness (and turn them off), they end up just causing me to sleep longer, ruining the little sleep I can get. What I mean by that is, though I am sleeping a great deal, I am not sleeping well. I never wake rested, I do not sleep deeply, I am simply exhausted and only half asleep or half awake at all times. I am haggard and weak from it. So disturbing that sleep only makes a bad thing worse.
Actually, I think it is time to sleep again. I tried to fight it, but at this time, I have pretty much given up. I sleep, now, when my body demands it. I have worn down to the point where I cannot fight. It reminds me of trying to hold my breath. At some point, after doing it over and over, my ability to fight my urge for air deteriorates to nothing. I will fight now, simply to be allowed to sleep. I have nothing left, for the moment. Though I cannot see it at this point, at least I have a history which lets me know I will, eventually, be able to see, and even in time accesses strength and a life, again.
Good night, or evening, or whatever.
.
I am sleeping many hours a day. I have some things I really need to get done, but my exhaustion is out of control. I try to eat as well as I can, I try to remain awake, I watch the temperature in the cave, and whatever else I can think of to help. Nothing is working. Not having a functioning kitchen does not help, though it is not a major factor. The items I purchased are not quite right. I tried to put them in and found that one piece is a problem. I do not believe I saw a piece that would work at the particular hardware store I visited. So, not only do I need to take everything back, I need to find, somewhere, items that will work.
I have tried to call my mother. If nothing else, a familiar voice might be good to hear. And, I am hoping the medicine she has started is helping. Aging is supposed to cause slowing. But it is not supposed to cause crippling and pain along with painful exhaustion. I know the latter, but thankfully and for the most part, that is only occasional and does not include the former choices. She was knowing all of it. I am very hopeful that some or all of that can be eliminated. The slowing she will just have to learn to cope with though.
I seem to be able to be awake, if barely, from during later afternoons and into the evenings. Sometimes I need a nap in there. And, from really early morning until early morning or so. Alarm clocks do not help. Though they wake me enough to come to consciousness (and turn them off), they end up just causing me to sleep longer, ruining the little sleep I can get. What I mean by that is, though I am sleeping a great deal, I am not sleeping well. I never wake rested, I do not sleep deeply, I am simply exhausted and only half asleep or half awake at all times. I am haggard and weak from it. So disturbing that sleep only makes a bad thing worse.
Actually, I think it is time to sleep again. I tried to fight it, but at this time, I have pretty much given up. I sleep, now, when my body demands it. I have worn down to the point where I cannot fight. It reminds me of trying to hold my breath. At some point, after doing it over and over, my ability to fight my urge for air deteriorates to nothing. I will fight now, simply to be allowed to sleep. I have nothing left, for the moment. Though I cannot see it at this point, at least I have a history which lets me know I will, eventually, be able to see, and even in time accesses strength and a life, again.
Good night, or evening, or whatever.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Exhausted and beat up!
.
.
I am not sure what happened, but not only am I tired, I am absolutely exhausted. I had been sure I was just about to do better. Beyond that, my arms, legs, and torso are sore. I have been in enough fights to know that it feels as if I have been in a fist fight, minus facial bruises. The exhaustion is not mental, this time. It is purely physical. Still, I got the sink drain out, went to the store and found replacements, and got some food earlier. I have set the new sink trap pieces to go back in, but have not done that yet. I really had to sleep. I had thought my exhaustion was mostly psychic in nature, but I realize today, that is not always the case.
I may need more time to move. I have not been able to get things done, time is drawing too short too fast, and I am so tight on money. I need sleep. Perhaps the stress of the move is doing this, perhaps I am just going through something, but I am not on the top of my game, perhaps not even in the game. Drats. I am stuck and I really do not have a way out quickly. Still, I am going to try and get it done anyway. I will just have to see how things are as the month comes to a close.
My sleeping is really messed up too. I cannot sleep at night and I cannot wake up early. Worse, I cannot seem to sleep in longer stretches. My sleep is now segmented in 2 to 4, or 8 to 12 hour stretches. Even if I was tired the last few weeks, I was sleeping regularly. I know there is some connection, but past attempts at using sleeping medication to ameliorate the situation has been thoroughly found to be lacking. Every time I tried, I ended up sleeping far more than is good, even when given something to balance that. Doctors and their use of meds to allow the use of meds to allow the use of… you get the point. Rather than fixing the problem, it seems they would rather skirt the main issues and just offer me a dozen meds that only nibble at a few symptoms that they want tended. Aiming for other than the bull’s eye will never allow a win.
I went to bed at 21:30 or 22:30, but could not stay asleep. I may put the drain back together, sip some more water, and then try again. I am already, at 3:00, becoming exhausted again. Though, I do not think I was quite able to wake up.
Have a good morning. And, never worry. I will figure things out. Besides, it is all in God's hands anyway.
.
I am not sure what happened, but not only am I tired, I am absolutely exhausted. I had been sure I was just about to do better. Beyond that, my arms, legs, and torso are sore. I have been in enough fights to know that it feels as if I have been in a fist fight, minus facial bruises. The exhaustion is not mental, this time. It is purely physical. Still, I got the sink drain out, went to the store and found replacements, and got some food earlier. I have set the new sink trap pieces to go back in, but have not done that yet. I really had to sleep. I had thought my exhaustion was mostly psychic in nature, but I realize today, that is not always the case.
I may need more time to move. I have not been able to get things done, time is drawing too short too fast, and I am so tight on money. I need sleep. Perhaps the stress of the move is doing this, perhaps I am just going through something, but I am not on the top of my game, perhaps not even in the game. Drats. I am stuck and I really do not have a way out quickly. Still, I am going to try and get it done anyway. I will just have to see how things are as the month comes to a close.
My sleeping is really messed up too. I cannot sleep at night and I cannot wake up early. Worse, I cannot seem to sleep in longer stretches. My sleep is now segmented in 2 to 4, or 8 to 12 hour stretches. Even if I was tired the last few weeks, I was sleeping regularly. I know there is some connection, but past attempts at using sleeping medication to ameliorate the situation has been thoroughly found to be lacking. Every time I tried, I ended up sleeping far more than is good, even when given something to balance that. Doctors and their use of meds to allow the use of meds to allow the use of… you get the point. Rather than fixing the problem, it seems they would rather skirt the main issues and just offer me a dozen meds that only nibble at a few symptoms that they want tended. Aiming for other than the bull’s eye will never allow a win.
I went to bed at 21:30 or 22:30, but could not stay asleep. I may put the drain back together, sip some more water, and then try again. I am already, at 3:00, becoming exhausted again. Though, I do not think I was quite able to wake up.
Have a good morning. And, never worry. I will figure things out. Besides, it is all in God's hands anyway.
Monday, May 4, 2009
A few things done, an extra task, and a joke.
.
.
I was slow to wake this morning. The process was accelerated by knocking at the door combined with the doorbell ringing. As it turns out, the neighbor’s mother needed a driver again, today. The trip was much shorter though so I agreed to help. If nothing else, it would put me in functioning form to do some of the shopping I needed to do. After a bit of waking up, a shower, and such, I was ready within a half an hour to forty five minutes. The trip went well. We were hungry, but I did not feel like fast fast food, so I suggested we go to a Mexican (Americanized Mexican) food place. I enjoyed the time and the talk, and I think she enjoyed a little quiet time away from normal stresses, a busy house, and all that jazz. She has asked if I will drive her next week, and I agreed. Though I will have her fill the tank and our meals are our own this time. Yeah, I can be a softy, but not always.
When we returned, I went out and bought some tools. An 18” pipe wrench, a 15” adjustable wrench, and a 16” channel lock are now in my tool kit. If I remember right, I had not had 2, I had 5 or 6 such tools of various sizes. I really despise having things stolen. Especially by someone who is probably going to lose the tools, or mishandle them into ruin. I buy decent tools, I take care of them, and they last forever. I have not cleaned out the trap, yet, but I am geared to do it. I will have to mop the floor, again, and hope it dries and does not flood the floor again before the morning.
Oh, the joke. I received an invitation to apply for the national scholars honor society today. At first, I thought the thing was a complete farce. However, after brooding over the thing for a bit, I decided to check out the internet address offered. Fine, so it is a legitimate seeming address. But it must be a joke. I am not sure who would have played the joke, but it is not funny. Then again, perhaps it is just some sort of scam to get me to offer some money or something. Who knows. But I am still a bit hot about it. I do not like being played like a toy.
I did get some shopping done. I have eaten and completed a few other things. And I am set up for work tomorrow. Plus, I helped someone. I know what it is like to not have access, money, or seemingly friends. And, yes, I do think helping is important. If I cannot help myself, but can help another, I think I have been more successful in the end, within certain constraints. Or, more precisely, helping people does help me. It is not a tit-for-tat hereafter trade thing though. No, how I help myself by helping others is by enriching my humble little life. Soul snack food, if you will, healthy soul snack food.
I should be ready for sleep tonight too. Though I did little, it is more than I have been able to do, driving often tires me, and conversations make me ready to sleep. Eating better, today, also adds to energy for the next day. Plus, with the shopping completed, I am ready to care for my needs better for the next couple of weeks. I even have a few treats for when I do good work, 2 jars of pickled pork feet (boneless meaty chunks of fatty meats!) and a jar of pickled turkey gizzards. A little incentive, in the form of self bribes, does work.
Good night.
.
I was slow to wake this morning. The process was accelerated by knocking at the door combined with the doorbell ringing. As it turns out, the neighbor’s mother needed a driver again, today. The trip was much shorter though so I agreed to help. If nothing else, it would put me in functioning form to do some of the shopping I needed to do. After a bit of waking up, a shower, and such, I was ready within a half an hour to forty five minutes. The trip went well. We were hungry, but I did not feel like fast fast food, so I suggested we go to a Mexican (Americanized Mexican) food place. I enjoyed the time and the talk, and I think she enjoyed a little quiet time away from normal stresses, a busy house, and all that jazz. She has asked if I will drive her next week, and I agreed. Though I will have her fill the tank and our meals are our own this time. Yeah, I can be a softy, but not always.
When we returned, I went out and bought some tools. An 18” pipe wrench, a 15” adjustable wrench, and a 16” channel lock are now in my tool kit. If I remember right, I had not had 2, I had 5 or 6 such tools of various sizes. I really despise having things stolen. Especially by someone who is probably going to lose the tools, or mishandle them into ruin. I buy decent tools, I take care of them, and they last forever. I have not cleaned out the trap, yet, but I am geared to do it. I will have to mop the floor, again, and hope it dries and does not flood the floor again before the morning.
Oh, the joke. I received an invitation to apply for the national scholars honor society today. At first, I thought the thing was a complete farce. However, after brooding over the thing for a bit, I decided to check out the internet address offered. Fine, so it is a legitimate seeming address. But it must be a joke. I am not sure who would have played the joke, but it is not funny. Then again, perhaps it is just some sort of scam to get me to offer some money or something. Who knows. But I am still a bit hot about it. I do not like being played like a toy.
I did get some shopping done. I have eaten and completed a few other things. And I am set up for work tomorrow. Plus, I helped someone. I know what it is like to not have access, money, or seemingly friends. And, yes, I do think helping is important. If I cannot help myself, but can help another, I think I have been more successful in the end, within certain constraints. Or, more precisely, helping people does help me. It is not a tit-for-tat hereafter trade thing though. No, how I help myself by helping others is by enriching my humble little life. Soul snack food, if you will, healthy soul snack food.
I should be ready for sleep tonight too. Though I did little, it is more than I have been able to do, driving often tires me, and conversations make me ready to sleep. Eating better, today, also adds to energy for the next day. Plus, with the shopping completed, I am ready to care for my needs better for the next couple of weeks. I even have a few treats for when I do good work, 2 jars of pickled pork feet (boneless meaty chunks of fatty meats!) and a jar of pickled turkey gizzards. A little incentive, in the form of self bribes, does work.
Good night.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sundays.
.
.
Bit by bit, as I have come to the call of my Maker, I have begun taking on more of His commands. Though I would should worship, my pride, righteousness, or something, for good or ill, has interfered with that. I had been going to Church on Saturdays as it was indicated that the practice was religiously sufficient (though I have heard otherwise since). Now, I am getting the day right but the practice incorrect. And, though I miss worship, I do remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. One day, one project or piece of a project, one command, and in all ways one thing at a time. Now that I am home, I am finding my place within it.
My lady friend visited today. I covered breakfast and lunch. I think she would rather have had me cook something for her, and as time and money are right on edge, I would to have preferred to cook. However, my house is falling down around my ears again. I have not gotten to the plumbing work. Tomorrow and it will be done. That was no help today. Still, I think it worked for her.
She actually asked for air conditioning today, and was sure she could do it herself. Generally, technical things can baffle her. I was happy to see her figure the thing out, it is digital. I merely turned on a light so she could see it better. She went for breakfast then did some of her laundry. But she thought some movies would be good, and I was out of bottled water, so she went out again. Beyond water and movies, she returned with watermelon! If it was not comparable to high summer melons, it was quite a treat. First it was unexpected, secondly it was excellent for such an early melon.
I felt bad about not having my house in order. Though I go through this from time to time, between packing, friends in need, and exhaustion, my kitchen has been out of order for longer than usual. I just cannot catch a breath. However, as I discussed earlier, I think this is changing. Tomorrow, to get started, I will get the pipe wrench as soon as the stores open at about 10:00. This gives me time to wake, shower, and get there without a fuss. Then to use the thing. I was sure I had two pipe wrenches. But after having had a thieving cousin live me for a bit, what I have is what I have. After that, I think I want to clean as energy and time warrants.
I think all business has been tended, on this end. I need to contact the realtor, and other realtors out there, and really begin in earnest to find a place. Hopefully I can find a short term lease or a quarterly lease, though a monthly lease would be preferred barring a short term rental. If I cannot do that, I still have options. I also need to call Pods to assess costs. And, of course, I need to finish packing. I have ¾ of my belongings packed. What remains is more difficult to deal with. Lamps, television, surround sound stereo system, my old computer (I have the boxes for the new one, of course), dishes, and pots and pans are the difficult and last items.
With all of that on my mind, for this day, for the most part, I have let that go. I simply enjoyed the day, remember more so to be thankful of life, relatively easy breath, friends, and family. I am grateful for the gifts of bread, food, some luxuries, a vehichle I trust and like, and a roof over my head. And I cannot forget to be humbly grateful for the sacrifice of God in Christ. To have Jesus, God incarnate, not only as my sovereign but also as my Brother, God as my Father, and the Holy Spirit as my Guide and Communicator, ensures that when I came home, I came home to a real Holy Family. In that Family, I am not just an adherent, but through the Eucharist, I become one with God. How good is that? I think only God knows the depth of that pool, but it is most certainly deep enough for all my needs and wants.
And, it is this, on this day, that I have thought of the most. More prayers than usual, a time for honest rest neither fighting myself to get going nor fighting my environment to get it done, this is a holy day. And, I have enjoyed keeping it as such for the most part. I hope your Sunday brings you rest and a closer walk with God.
Good night. Have a great week.
.
Bit by bit, as I have come to the call of my Maker, I have begun taking on more of His commands. Though I would should worship, my pride, righteousness, or something, for good or ill, has interfered with that. I had been going to Church on Saturdays as it was indicated that the practice was religiously sufficient (though I have heard otherwise since). Now, I am getting the day right but the practice incorrect. And, though I miss worship, I do remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. One day, one project or piece of a project, one command, and in all ways one thing at a time. Now that I am home, I am finding my place within it.
My lady friend visited today. I covered breakfast and lunch. I think she would rather have had me cook something for her, and as time and money are right on edge, I would to have preferred to cook. However, my house is falling down around my ears again. I have not gotten to the plumbing work. Tomorrow and it will be done. That was no help today. Still, I think it worked for her.
She actually asked for air conditioning today, and was sure she could do it herself. Generally, technical things can baffle her. I was happy to see her figure the thing out, it is digital. I merely turned on a light so she could see it better. She went for breakfast then did some of her laundry. But she thought some movies would be good, and I was out of bottled water, so she went out again. Beyond water and movies, she returned with watermelon! If it was not comparable to high summer melons, it was quite a treat. First it was unexpected, secondly it was excellent for such an early melon.
I felt bad about not having my house in order. Though I go through this from time to time, between packing, friends in need, and exhaustion, my kitchen has been out of order for longer than usual. I just cannot catch a breath. However, as I discussed earlier, I think this is changing. Tomorrow, to get started, I will get the pipe wrench as soon as the stores open at about 10:00. This gives me time to wake, shower, and get there without a fuss. Then to use the thing. I was sure I had two pipe wrenches. But after having had a thieving cousin live me for a bit, what I have is what I have. After that, I think I want to clean as energy and time warrants.
I think all business has been tended, on this end. I need to contact the realtor, and other realtors out there, and really begin in earnest to find a place. Hopefully I can find a short term lease or a quarterly lease, though a monthly lease would be preferred barring a short term rental. If I cannot do that, I still have options. I also need to call Pods to assess costs. And, of course, I need to finish packing. I have ¾ of my belongings packed. What remains is more difficult to deal with. Lamps, television, surround sound stereo system, my old computer (I have the boxes for the new one, of course), dishes, and pots and pans are the difficult and last items.
With all of that on my mind, for this day, for the most part, I have let that go. I simply enjoyed the day, remember more so to be thankful of life, relatively easy breath, friends, and family. I am grateful for the gifts of bread, food, some luxuries, a vehichle I trust and like, and a roof over my head. And I cannot forget to be humbly grateful for the sacrifice of God in Christ. To have Jesus, God incarnate, not only as my sovereign but also as my Brother, God as my Father, and the Holy Spirit as my Guide and Communicator, ensures that when I came home, I came home to a real Holy Family. In that Family, I am not just an adherent, but through the Eucharist, I become one with God. How good is that? I think only God knows the depth of that pool, but it is most certainly deep enough for all my needs and wants.
And, it is this, on this day, that I have thought of the most. More prayers than usual, a time for honest rest neither fighting myself to get going nor fighting my environment to get it done, this is a holy day. And, I have enjoyed keeping it as such for the most part. I hope your Sunday brings you rest and a closer walk with God.
Good night. Have a great week.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I know I write and think in ways many do not follow.
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However, I would hope that before I am told that I called “A”, "B", that the reader at least read what I wrote and understand I did not call them “B”. If I group A and B into an group because of the outcome of their works, that is still not calling an A a B. This is not even close to complex. All it takes is slight reading skills, a basic understanding of grammar, and maybe, for the slower, a pen and paper to keep it straight. I would suggest basic algebra is more complex.
Was that confusing? Okay, let me rephrase it. If you are throwing rocks through windows to become better at baseball pitching, for example, and I suggest you are doing similar economic and societal damage as an anarchist who is doing the same thing for the social and economic effect itself, I am still not calling you an anarchist. Am I? So, what is complicated here? Is it that our all American sportsman does not like being called on something, or is it because as a jock he cannot read or understand what he is reading? And, honestly, neither do I know or care to a point (so long as I was clear). I will call something foolish if it is, regardless of the response.
On the good side, at least I was allowed to say something. I believe I was fair in what I said (always debatable, of course). And I did receive some fair and some unfair responses. Some of the response was personal, protective. Some of it was along the lines of paragraph two in this post. Will I still read and post there? Of course, if allowed. However, I have noted that if a particular ill is being discussed as a positive, even if there seems to be an opening for debate about it, it is probably not a genuine invitation. They are merely, like much of the left, only looking for encouragement. There are good writings there, there is occasional wisdom, there is some support of healthy social norms, and… there is that other.
A bit of advice, however, if you cannot take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you cannot handle the weight, do not pick up the box. If your stance is weak, do not ask for debate. And if you want to show off bling, make sure you are in the right neighborhood. Perhaps even, if you read in the starlight, do not expect to understand what you are reading.
Though I was a bit angry, I have pretty much gotten over it. I thought I was pretty straight forward, I did not see my comments as attacks. I say things straight out, give my points, and end it. I accept being rebuffed, but I expect it to be fair and honest. And, if I sense I am being attacked, told I am wrong, and then told more debate is not welcome, yeah, I can get hot. I think that is fair. Well, at least it was something different. But, no, that is not what I am after or what I seek.
As well, I know, even friends must go through these things. I cannot say everyone I read and everyone who reads and comments here is a friend. But, for my part, that is how I see my side of it. I cannot offer much, but my shirt, sure. My opinions, thoughts, and prayers, yes. And, from what I have seen from most of you, that is just as true for you. Heck, if you happened to be going through and I had some notice, I would probably try to feed you. So, I guess and again, for my part, you are friends. And, we must have our spats. As a fact, I do not agree with my friends and family on this side of the screen often. But, yeah, I love them, even, maybe more, the ones who are hard to handle.
Oh, I think I might be finding a way back to a state of existence where I might be able to begin working again Monday. I do not know how it is sorting out, but I feel there is a good hope of that. My mind and body are still at odds, my consciousness is disconnected, and my sleeping is a bit off, but I am seeing a parting of the clouds and the connection between flesh spirit and mind growing again. I wish I knew how to simply create that, or do it, or manipulate whatever mechanism enables function. As is, I will simply use what I can when it is available, and be thankful for that. Oddly, I am usually able to write well enough, should I think of it. If only writing had some, value, societal honor, or worth that was not considered selfish. At least the type of writing I do.
.
However, I would hope that before I am told that I called “A”, "B", that the reader at least read what I wrote and understand I did not call them “B”. If I group A and B into an group because of the outcome of their works, that is still not calling an A a B. This is not even close to complex. All it takes is slight reading skills, a basic understanding of grammar, and maybe, for the slower, a pen and paper to keep it straight. I would suggest basic algebra is more complex.
Was that confusing? Okay, let me rephrase it. If you are throwing rocks through windows to become better at baseball pitching, for example, and I suggest you are doing similar economic and societal damage as an anarchist who is doing the same thing for the social and economic effect itself, I am still not calling you an anarchist. Am I? So, what is complicated here? Is it that our all American sportsman does not like being called on something, or is it because as a jock he cannot read or understand what he is reading? And, honestly, neither do I know or care to a point (so long as I was clear). I will call something foolish if it is, regardless of the response.
On the good side, at least I was allowed to say something. I believe I was fair in what I said (always debatable, of course). And I did receive some fair and some unfair responses. Some of the response was personal, protective. Some of it was along the lines of paragraph two in this post. Will I still read and post there? Of course, if allowed. However, I have noted that if a particular ill is being discussed as a positive, even if there seems to be an opening for debate about it, it is probably not a genuine invitation. They are merely, like much of the left, only looking for encouragement. There are good writings there, there is occasional wisdom, there is some support of healthy social norms, and… there is that other.
A bit of advice, however, if you cannot take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you cannot handle the weight, do not pick up the box. If your stance is weak, do not ask for debate. And if you want to show off bling, make sure you are in the right neighborhood. Perhaps even, if you read in the starlight, do not expect to understand what you are reading.
Though I was a bit angry, I have pretty much gotten over it. I thought I was pretty straight forward, I did not see my comments as attacks. I say things straight out, give my points, and end it. I accept being rebuffed, but I expect it to be fair and honest. And, if I sense I am being attacked, told I am wrong, and then told more debate is not welcome, yeah, I can get hot. I think that is fair. Well, at least it was something different. But, no, that is not what I am after or what I seek.
As well, I know, even friends must go through these things. I cannot say everyone I read and everyone who reads and comments here is a friend. But, for my part, that is how I see my side of it. I cannot offer much, but my shirt, sure. My opinions, thoughts, and prayers, yes. And, from what I have seen from most of you, that is just as true for you. Heck, if you happened to be going through and I had some notice, I would probably try to feed you. So, I guess and again, for my part, you are friends. And, we must have our spats. As a fact, I do not agree with my friends and family on this side of the screen often. But, yeah, I love them, even, maybe more, the ones who are hard to handle.
Oh, I think I might be finding a way back to a state of existence where I might be able to begin working again Monday. I do not know how it is sorting out, but I feel there is a good hope of that. My mind and body are still at odds, my consciousness is disconnected, and my sleeping is a bit off, but I am seeing a parting of the clouds and the connection between flesh spirit and mind growing again. I wish I knew how to simply create that, or do it, or manipulate whatever mechanism enables function. As is, I will simply use what I can when it is available, and be thankful for that. Oddly, I am usually able to write well enough, should I think of it. If only writing had some, value, societal honor, or worth that was not considered selfish. At least the type of writing I do.
Breast enhancement a conservative notion?
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Recently, a topic flared regarding Miss America, or Miss California, or both, suggesting marriage should be between one man and woman. Feminist and gay activists immediately attacked her. First, and obviously, for her moral conviction, then for breast augmentation. And, yes, I understand that the attacks should be rebuffed and ignored because of the reason they exist, but should the breast enlargement just be added in as a good and a “personal choice” issue as well? I thought anti-abortion sentiments regarded personal choice as not such a good thing (no worries, I see the difference, logically, that one choice involves more than just the woman and the other does not, however, they both have more involvement than initial appearances might exemplify).
So, when did breast enlargement become a thing conservatives advocate, support, and back? Not only does it send the message that small breasted women are not good enough, it also interferes with breast feeding. The last I heard, it most likely ends the possibility of breast feeding in many if not most cases. Further, it honestly does objectify women. Though I think feminists have hijacked this notion, there is a real notion under their communist and socialist based fictional pseudo notion of this topic. Women are under great stress to be something they are not, whether it be that they need to be equal to men, prettier and smarter than other woman, or whatever.
I covered this at a blog, one I thought was both conservative and Catholic. I was strongly rebuffed. Beyond, the blog master indicated that he would not post some things about some issues. I was surprised he included my second comment arguing against someone's notion that breast augmentation was like dental care, both being cosmetic. I stated that breast enhancement has no comparison with teeth straightening. Now, he did post that, but he then called me shrill and wrong. So, I left it there and came here to post, being sure he would not allow another comment. As I said there, either the I am so far out of the loop with modern politics, or the conservatives have supplanted liberals and there is no real difference, except appearances, now (the cheerleader versus the goober leftist), or he and they are extremely off key in this.
Perhaps there is no difference. With Palan, a feminist, considered the next queen of the “right”, with McCain the best my old party could come up with, and with people who have a traditional schism with the party being set up as party leadership, I realize the problem. I have rejected the party, I have backed away from my local worship community, I will be moving from this state, and I would suggest my interest or involvement with politics is over. I guess the world has moved on. Fair enough, I guess I have too.
Let them eat virtuosity.
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.
Recently, a topic flared regarding Miss America, or Miss California, or both, suggesting marriage should be between one man and woman. Feminist and gay activists immediately attacked her. First, and obviously, for her moral conviction, then for breast augmentation. And, yes, I understand that the attacks should be rebuffed and ignored because of the reason they exist, but should the breast enlargement just be added in as a good and a “personal choice” issue as well? I thought anti-abortion sentiments regarded personal choice as not such a good thing (no worries, I see the difference, logically, that one choice involves more than just the woman and the other does not, however, they both have more involvement than initial appearances might exemplify).
So, when did breast enlargement become a thing conservatives advocate, support, and back? Not only does it send the message that small breasted women are not good enough, it also interferes with breast feeding. The last I heard, it most likely ends the possibility of breast feeding in many if not most cases. Further, it honestly does objectify women. Though I think feminists have hijacked this notion, there is a real notion under their communist and socialist based fictional pseudo notion of this topic. Women are under great stress to be something they are not, whether it be that they need to be equal to men, prettier and smarter than other woman, or whatever.
I covered this at a blog, one I thought was both conservative and Catholic. I was strongly rebuffed. Beyond, the blog master indicated that he would not post some things about some issues. I was surprised he included my second comment arguing against someone's notion that breast augmentation was like dental care, both being cosmetic. I stated that breast enhancement has no comparison with teeth straightening. Now, he did post that, but he then called me shrill and wrong. So, I left it there and came here to post, being sure he would not allow another comment. As I said there, either the I am so far out of the loop with modern politics, or the conservatives have supplanted liberals and there is no real difference, except appearances, now (the cheerleader versus the goober leftist), or he and they are extremely off key in this.
Perhaps there is no difference. With Palan, a feminist, considered the next queen of the “right”, with McCain the best my old party could come up with, and with people who have a traditional schism with the party being set up as party leadership, I realize the problem. I have rejected the party, I have backed away from my local worship community, I will be moving from this state, and I would suggest my interest or involvement with politics is over. I guess the world has moved on. Fair enough, I guess I have too.
Let them eat virtuosity.
Interesting…
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For all of the intellectual honesty claimed by many of those I read, my posts are not welcome. More so, my posts are not allowed. I could name names, I am pretty sure they do not visit. As such, I think I will need to dump some of them. Though I think they are interesting, I disagree often, though without what I believe to be more than a simple agreement to disagree.
Do I write long comments? Sure. Am I Catholic and try to implement that? You bet. Do I disagree when I see a difference? You bet. But do I also give a pat on the back when we see eye to eye? Yes. So, why, among these people who claim intellectual honesty and faith in what they put forward not post my (mostly non-offensive) posts? Because it threatens their weak side. Because they cannot handle real differences.
And, yes, I have published things from people I do not wish to post (after a review of their blogs or posts). The only people not allowed here are people who post max posts without saying anything (I’ve had some very odd max posts that I just had to dump, especially when they duplicate the stupid posts), people who try to sell or redirect to some other place on the net for no particular reason or for commercial reasons (including a few shady “Catholics”).
Is it frustrating? Yes. What is wrong with questioning or confirming? I know I write a large block of text, but it is nowhere near max and it makes some sense. I think I am rather simple in my writing and intent. I either agree, and explain why; or I disagree and expound on that. Quips are for the weak and simple. At least I have some people who, generally, post what I have to say. I know some of these see me as a simpleton, a kind fool, or just another. Yet they go ahead and post my words.
Oh well, some people are what they are. And, yeah, I suppose, if I were younger and weaker, I would block posts I could not answer or posts from those who did not fit in my world view. Now, I post them and tackle the situation. Some times I may seem too harsh. I can think of a recent issue where someone suggested my symptoms seemed like depression to them. I did not mean to attack them (and do not think I did, mostly). I read their blog, and was a little angry (my bad). But more, after having tried every old and new anti-depression drug during my first 12 years of illness to no good effect, I had anger from that too. More, I was angry at the suggestion. I was not truly angry at the messenger. As a fact, I had hoped he (or she) would offer more. Okay, fine, I still feel bad about that. Oh bother, I think I ought to go to their blog or send a message of some sort. I believe their effort was an attempt at good. Bother!
Well, that is what I feel and I thought I should put it out. I will be changing my links, soon, very soon. I think. Damn but being crippled is a pain. And I cannot sleep tonight. So...
Update:
Wow, I went ahead and dumped some blogs. I also added a few. I kept some, in spite of the fact that they ignore my posts. At least they post them if they and theirs ignore anything I say. I suppose turning the back on what you feel is evil is fine. That does not mean I have necessarily given up on them. I see something in them that might be worthy or that they might turn to rightness or even merely that I think they are fine as is, even if they do not think the same. You know who you are but you likely do not read here so it does not really matter.
.
For all of the intellectual honesty claimed by many of those I read, my posts are not welcome. More so, my posts are not allowed. I could name names, I am pretty sure they do not visit. As such, I think I will need to dump some of them. Though I think they are interesting, I disagree often, though without what I believe to be more than a simple agreement to disagree.
Do I write long comments? Sure. Am I Catholic and try to implement that? You bet. Do I disagree when I see a difference? You bet. But do I also give a pat on the back when we see eye to eye? Yes. So, why, among these people who claim intellectual honesty and faith in what they put forward not post my (mostly non-offensive) posts? Because it threatens their weak side. Because they cannot handle real differences.
And, yes, I have published things from people I do not wish to post (after a review of their blogs or posts). The only people not allowed here are people who post max posts without saying anything (I’ve had some very odd max posts that I just had to dump, especially when they duplicate the stupid posts), people who try to sell or redirect to some other place on the net for no particular reason or for commercial reasons (including a few shady “Catholics”).
Is it frustrating? Yes. What is wrong with questioning or confirming? I know I write a large block of text, but it is nowhere near max and it makes some sense. I think I am rather simple in my writing and intent. I either agree, and explain why; or I disagree and expound on that. Quips are for the weak and simple. At least I have some people who, generally, post what I have to say. I know some of these see me as a simpleton, a kind fool, or just another. Yet they go ahead and post my words.
Oh well, some people are what they are. And, yeah, I suppose, if I were younger and weaker, I would block posts I could not answer or posts from those who did not fit in my world view. Now, I post them and tackle the situation. Some times I may seem too harsh. I can think of a recent issue where someone suggested my symptoms seemed like depression to them. I did not mean to attack them (and do not think I did, mostly). I read their blog, and was a little angry (my bad). But more, after having tried every old and new anti-depression drug during my first 12 years of illness to no good effect, I had anger from that too. More, I was angry at the suggestion. I was not truly angry at the messenger. As a fact, I had hoped he (or she) would offer more. Okay, fine, I still feel bad about that. Oh bother, I think I ought to go to their blog or send a message of some sort. I believe their effort was an attempt at good. Bother!
Well, that is what I feel and I thought I should put it out. I will be changing my links, soon, very soon. I think. Damn but being crippled is a pain. And I cannot sleep tonight. So...
Update:
Wow, I went ahead and dumped some blogs. I also added a few. I kept some, in spite of the fact that they ignore my posts. At least they post them if they and theirs ignore anything I say. I suppose turning the back on what you feel is evil is fine. That does not mean I have necessarily given up on them. I see something in them that might be worthy or that they might turn to rightness or even merely that I think they are fine as is, even if they do not think the same. You know who you are but you likely do not read here so it does not really matter.
Friday, May 1, 2009
I really cannot understand.
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My exhaustion is something I cannot understand. If someone had told me about this before I suffered from it, I would have thought they were fibbing, or out and out making it up. This and I am only moderately exhausted in my range, at this point. Though I am able to do very little, I can stay up most of the day with a 2 hour nap thrown in. At the illnesses worst, I feel like I am in a device that combines sleep with a drying machine. I cannot track days, people, ideas, at times I do not even know my own name, literally. There are other significant symptoms, most doctors are simply not interested or are baffled, and see no links between them.
Anti-depressants do not work, nor have any of the medicines they have tried. Therapy for this has not worked. Nor did therapy work with my previously suicidal traits, in part because a significant aspect of that was due to a conscious decision and involved logic, as I have suggested. I am sure it is a physical problem, and now I have some evidence. I cannot afford a solid diagnostician, and, with a "medical" history as is, I suspect they would maintain the status quo rather than really look. I could go to the V.A., and if I have something easily diagnosed and treated, I will go there. But for deeper diagnostics, I think they fail.
This is so frustrating. And though I experienced medicine that was working, when it was pulled away, I did seek it out on my own nickel. I could not recreate the medical effect, so perhaps the medicine had stopped working anyway, or was fading, or I needed a very specific chemical reaction. I would bet a thousand dollars that if I were 20, and could keep completely away from psychiatry and psychology, I would be able to find a doctor and a treatment. I think I have already been set aside. Once you get a psychiatric diagnosis (in spite of depression and a few other things like it being a huge and normal response to other real illnesses) you cannot get away from it.
If you have a child, brother, sister, very good friend, or parent, keep psychiatrists and psychologists out of their treatment and diagnosis process. If doctors know nothing, most of these know less. Generally, they are only even allowed to obtain a degree if they are “liberal”, which is proof their ability to think logically is flawed. Beyond that, I would guess their diagnosis and treatment of conservatives is further flawed, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.
In any case, I have what I have and I am what I am. Further, I am not sure I could escape the way things have been for the last 20 years in any case. Getting up every day, at a certain time, and then going out and working for 8 to 12 hours, figuring out how to eat before, during, and after, tending house hold chores, shopping, and such, and for no more than I am making now. I worked very hard toward that goal, and even on the meds which worked, it was difficult (if I then and now believed that another year and a half and I might have broken through, though, who really knows).
Life is so frustrating when I am this exhausted. But having a deadline makes it much worse. At least I am well taken care of, financially. I do not worry about being able to afford food, if I do go without sometimes because I cannot get out to get it. And, if I cannot sit around and figure out high level new topics, or even more mundane topics to a mastery level, I can think on a basic level, and write. And, yes, that helps. Hmm, at least I have done something today. Now to try and stay up until 22:00 or 23:00. Hey, it is as good as I can do, for now.
Have a good evening.
.
My exhaustion is something I cannot understand. If someone had told me about this before I suffered from it, I would have thought they were fibbing, or out and out making it up. This and I am only moderately exhausted in my range, at this point. Though I am able to do very little, I can stay up most of the day with a 2 hour nap thrown in. At the illnesses worst, I feel like I am in a device that combines sleep with a drying machine. I cannot track days, people, ideas, at times I do not even know my own name, literally. There are other significant symptoms, most doctors are simply not interested or are baffled, and see no links between them.
Anti-depressants do not work, nor have any of the medicines they have tried. Therapy for this has not worked. Nor did therapy work with my previously suicidal traits, in part because a significant aspect of that was due to a conscious decision and involved logic, as I have suggested. I am sure it is a physical problem, and now I have some evidence. I cannot afford a solid diagnostician, and, with a "medical" history as is, I suspect they would maintain the status quo rather than really look. I could go to the V.A., and if I have something easily diagnosed and treated, I will go there. But for deeper diagnostics, I think they fail.
This is so frustrating. And though I experienced medicine that was working, when it was pulled away, I did seek it out on my own nickel. I could not recreate the medical effect, so perhaps the medicine had stopped working anyway, or was fading, or I needed a very specific chemical reaction. I would bet a thousand dollars that if I were 20, and could keep completely away from psychiatry and psychology, I would be able to find a doctor and a treatment. I think I have already been set aside. Once you get a psychiatric diagnosis (in spite of depression and a few other things like it being a huge and normal response to other real illnesses) you cannot get away from it.
If you have a child, brother, sister, very good friend, or parent, keep psychiatrists and psychologists out of their treatment and diagnosis process. If doctors know nothing, most of these know less. Generally, they are only even allowed to obtain a degree if they are “liberal”, which is proof their ability to think logically is flawed. Beyond that, I would guess their diagnosis and treatment of conservatives is further flawed, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.
In any case, I have what I have and I am what I am. Further, I am not sure I could escape the way things have been for the last 20 years in any case. Getting up every day, at a certain time, and then going out and working for 8 to 12 hours, figuring out how to eat before, during, and after, tending house hold chores, shopping, and such, and for no more than I am making now. I worked very hard toward that goal, and even on the meds which worked, it was difficult (if I then and now believed that another year and a half and I might have broken through, though, who really knows).
Life is so frustrating when I am this exhausted. But having a deadline makes it much worse. At least I am well taken care of, financially. I do not worry about being able to afford food, if I do go without sometimes because I cannot get out to get it. And, if I cannot sit around and figure out high level new topics, or even more mundane topics to a mastery level, I can think on a basic level, and write. And, yes, that helps. Hmm, at least I have done something today. Now to try and stay up until 22:00 or 23:00. Hey, it is as good as I can do, for now.
Have a good evening.
Naps…
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I am back on schedule, but I need a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. As well, I have no energy to get to work. I did make a payment on my vehicle, and made sure all bills are being paid. A bit at a time, I do what I can. I am not sure how this will work, and I still have not found a place to move yet. I have one month, now, exactly. Yeah, I am nervous. Like I said, if I thought shoving a needle through my hand would wake me up and get me going, I would do it.
I am reading blogs, in my downtime, a little more frequently. I keep seeing how beat up the Republican party is. I see how leaders of my former party try to show a front, while including the reasons I left it. McCain is not a welcome part of it. They just do not understand that the tent is too big. I do believe if they could find politicians who followed the small government, more even sharing of power between federal government, state government, and us, and lower taxes all around, they would do a lot better. Is the party leadership honestly saying it cannot do that? They just do not get it, and I think that is a choice, a poor one. Republicans no longer stand for anything but a big tent. Multiculturalism has destroyed it.
Then again, out here, I see lots of fighting for the soul of conservativism. Now, to some degree, I think there needs to be vigorous debate. But, there cannot be camps going off on their own because of minor issues and poor leadership. Forgetting who the real enemy is will be fatal, at this point. We need real leadership from the bottom, up. We need the soldiers to learn to follow centurians, we need centurians to find a way to agree or at least work with each other, and choose the next level, and so on up to generals and a final general. Without this work, conservativism will take the drubbing we have been taking for far too long.
I wonder, however, if between the weakness of the boomers and the poison milk they fed their children that perhaps no such capacity exists today. Perhaps the nation is so me-centric that it’s citizens cannot get past it. That will leave those who choose the chaos of me-ism to win. They do not have to like each other, and they do not. All they have to do is what they want, eat their own, deprive the weakend offense to them, and that is it. It is a form of modernist barbarism, socialism and communism that is. It is a social suicide because of the obvious idiocy of it and it’s adherents. It is an ugly thing to see beginning to fully come into affect. What is worse, there is no place to flee. If we cannot kill the dragon here, it will control here as it does everywhere else already.
Well, back to doing nothing. Perhaps I can at least get a pipe wrench this afternoon, if I can gather enough energy, clean up, and get going. Arghhhh! Ack! And two or other such grumbles and gripes.
Have a good day. Never mind me. I seem to be like a falling cat, landing on my feet even if that might hurt. It is better than the options.
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I am back on schedule, but I need a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. As well, I have no energy to get to work. I did make a payment on my vehicle, and made sure all bills are being paid. A bit at a time, I do what I can. I am not sure how this will work, and I still have not found a place to move yet. I have one month, now, exactly. Yeah, I am nervous. Like I said, if I thought shoving a needle through my hand would wake me up and get me going, I would do it.
I am reading blogs, in my downtime, a little more frequently. I keep seeing how beat up the Republican party is. I see how leaders of my former party try to show a front, while including the reasons I left it. McCain is not a welcome part of it. They just do not understand that the tent is too big. I do believe if they could find politicians who followed the small government, more even sharing of power between federal government, state government, and us, and lower taxes all around, they would do a lot better. Is the party leadership honestly saying it cannot do that? They just do not get it, and I think that is a choice, a poor one. Republicans no longer stand for anything but a big tent. Multiculturalism has destroyed it.
Then again, out here, I see lots of fighting for the soul of conservativism. Now, to some degree, I think there needs to be vigorous debate. But, there cannot be camps going off on their own because of minor issues and poor leadership. Forgetting who the real enemy is will be fatal, at this point. We need real leadership from the bottom, up. We need the soldiers to learn to follow centurians, we need centurians to find a way to agree or at least work with each other, and choose the next level, and so on up to generals and a final general. Without this work, conservativism will take the drubbing we have been taking for far too long.
I wonder, however, if between the weakness of the boomers and the poison milk they fed their children that perhaps no such capacity exists today. Perhaps the nation is so me-centric that it’s citizens cannot get past it. That will leave those who choose the chaos of me-ism to win. They do not have to like each other, and they do not. All they have to do is what they want, eat their own, deprive the weakend offense to them, and that is it. It is a form of modernist barbarism, socialism and communism that is. It is a social suicide because of the obvious idiocy of it and it’s adherents. It is an ugly thing to see beginning to fully come into affect. What is worse, there is no place to flee. If we cannot kill the dragon here, it will control here as it does everywhere else already.
Well, back to doing nothing. Perhaps I can at least get a pipe wrench this afternoon, if I can gather enough energy, clean up, and get going. Arghhhh! Ack! And two or other such grumbles and gripes.
Have a good day. Never mind me. I seem to be like a falling cat, landing on my feet even if that might hurt. It is better than the options.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Something else on my mind.
.
.
For some odd reason, in these last months leading up to my move, I keep meeting “interested” women. Oh, that is fine. But to be honest, these women remind me more of why I am leaving far more than offering me a reason to stay. And I certainly would not be interested in taking any of them with me. Some of them have been attractive, but in vetting them further, I see huge problems.
The last one indicated that she is not only not Catholic, she is not religious, and nearly laughed at the notion. And, after hearing about recent relationships, it shows. She seems attracted to me, strongly I would say. But she does not seem to understand that a woman with no faith has nothing to offer. Without some association with a set of rules and morality above her own whims, she is untrustworthy. She wants to do whatever she wants to do, whenever, and with whomever she chooses. She is her own woman. As such, she is not God’s, and therefore, cannot be mine. She judges her past lovers harshly, but does not understand that if she does what she wants, he will too. She cannot have a faithful man if she is not a faithful woman.
I see this over and over with women. They want to be nasty and yet be loved purely. They want to be vile and have a virtuous man. They want to be shrill and yet be pampered. That is not how it works nor how it has ever worked. I have never bothered to mention this, I do not think they would understand. Being without God is very much like leaving your father’s house. Once you are beyond his protection, you are prey. That leads these women to themselves become predatory. Those who seek good women see this almost immediately and back off immediately. I no more encourage these women than I play with wild bears.
I certainly hope there are women of faith, marriageable and fertile, and understanding of the duties and requirements under Catholic marital notions. I have some great doubts, being the state of the nation and the world, even some significant parts of the Church, really. Still, I look. Never doubt, however, that I will see right through evil queens. Let them enjoy their dramas, their affairs, their acceptance of their animal nature, but let them have the men they so richly deserve. Funny that, in this world of egalitarian modernist scientific rule but that women are the butt of society and their claws and sharp tongue grants them nothing but sorrow and emptiness. The she bear, in the wild as in the city, is always at the mercy of the he bears. So much for the feminist mystique.
.
.
For some odd reason, in these last months leading up to my move, I keep meeting “interested” women. Oh, that is fine. But to be honest, these women remind me more of why I am leaving far more than offering me a reason to stay. And I certainly would not be interested in taking any of them with me. Some of them have been attractive, but in vetting them further, I see huge problems.
The last one indicated that she is not only not Catholic, she is not religious, and nearly laughed at the notion. And, after hearing about recent relationships, it shows. She seems attracted to me, strongly I would say. But she does not seem to understand that a woman with no faith has nothing to offer. Without some association with a set of rules and morality above her own whims, she is untrustworthy. She wants to do whatever she wants to do, whenever, and with whomever she chooses. She is her own woman. As such, she is not God’s, and therefore, cannot be mine. She judges her past lovers harshly, but does not understand that if she does what she wants, he will too. She cannot have a faithful man if she is not a faithful woman.
I see this over and over with women. They want to be nasty and yet be loved purely. They want to be vile and have a virtuous man. They want to be shrill and yet be pampered. That is not how it works nor how it has ever worked. I have never bothered to mention this, I do not think they would understand. Being without God is very much like leaving your father’s house. Once you are beyond his protection, you are prey. That leads these women to themselves become predatory. Those who seek good women see this almost immediately and back off immediately. I no more encourage these women than I play with wild bears.
I certainly hope there are women of faith, marriageable and fertile, and understanding of the duties and requirements under Catholic marital notions. I have some great doubts, being the state of the nation and the world, even some significant parts of the Church, really. Still, I look. Never doubt, however, that I will see right through evil queens. Let them enjoy their dramas, their affairs, their acceptance of their animal nature, but let them have the men they so richly deserve. Funny that, in this world of egalitarian modernist scientific rule but that women are the butt of society and their claws and sharp tongue grants them nothing but sorrow and emptiness. The she bear, in the wild as in the city, is always at the mercy of the he bears. So much for the feminist mystique.
Back on schedule.
.
.
I was worried about sleeping and waking, whether I could get back into the day and night routine again. Often I cannot get back to it once I have slipped. Last night I was in bed and asleep before 23:00 and this morning, I flopped out of bed by 8:30 or so. All is good there, so far, and better than I expected. Now, to wake up and get going on some things.
I checked my tools, I do not have a pipe wrench which fits the sink plumbing. I am tight on money, but I may just have to buy one. I am hoping I will find myself calling about the computer today as well. I am not sure who to call, but I can figure that out with minimal effort is my guess. One thing I have noted, regardless of the seller, once an item is purchased, the seller, manufacturer, and everyone else involved all of a sudden knows nothing and wants nothing to do with what they just sold. I will have to see if this is true here, or more, to what degree and how to get around that. Trust? Cynicism? Are you kidding or ignorant?
I am not sure what I can get done today, I just know I have to do what I can. I can count on no one and really, I should not count on anyone. This is my task. No one I know favors my move. If I want it, I will simply have to do it. Lord knows I want out of this state as soon as possible. The way I see it, this state is trying to catch up with California. It may have passed it. To be honest, those I love from this state are probably not on their way to heaven. No matter how much I pray, what I do, what I say, or how I say it, unless they bow they are lost.
I think the sink and the computer are primary targets. Not because packing is less important, but because these things weigh on my mind heavily. That weight seems to cause problems in all other areas until it is tended. Yes, stress of certain natures is a major issue with my health. Though the sink problem has further implications in both cooking food (health) and cleanliness (stress). There may be a few other things I can get done, though I realize I am quite weak and very tired. Maybe tending these things will help with that, maybe not. I may simply be in a physical rut I will have to try and push through.
So, Arlen Specter finally became honest eh? I hope his happy ride to hell is worth it. I wish this had happened soon enough that Bush would not have helped his re-election. Though, I am not sure enough about Bush that he would not have helped anyway. They are peas in a pod. Then again, everyone in political office is that way these days. The political process has been hijacked by leftists and it is not about to change. I am not sure what can actually be done about it but I am pretty sure it is not going to be fun either way. All things, including good things, must end.
Well, I best get to figuring some of my list out. I really want to go back to bed but I know that is not the way. So, it is either get busy or begin what will be a long fall. Hmm, should you not also be getting busy? :p
.
I was worried about sleeping and waking, whether I could get back into the day and night routine again. Often I cannot get back to it once I have slipped. Last night I was in bed and asleep before 23:00 and this morning, I flopped out of bed by 8:30 or so. All is good there, so far, and better than I expected. Now, to wake up and get going on some things.
I checked my tools, I do not have a pipe wrench which fits the sink plumbing. I am tight on money, but I may just have to buy one. I am hoping I will find myself calling about the computer today as well. I am not sure who to call, but I can figure that out with minimal effort is my guess. One thing I have noted, regardless of the seller, once an item is purchased, the seller, manufacturer, and everyone else involved all of a sudden knows nothing and wants nothing to do with what they just sold. I will have to see if this is true here, or more, to what degree and how to get around that. Trust? Cynicism? Are you kidding or ignorant?
I am not sure what I can get done today, I just know I have to do what I can. I can count on no one and really, I should not count on anyone. This is my task. No one I know favors my move. If I want it, I will simply have to do it. Lord knows I want out of this state as soon as possible. The way I see it, this state is trying to catch up with California. It may have passed it. To be honest, those I love from this state are probably not on their way to heaven. No matter how much I pray, what I do, what I say, or how I say it, unless they bow they are lost.
I think the sink and the computer are primary targets. Not because packing is less important, but because these things weigh on my mind heavily. That weight seems to cause problems in all other areas until it is tended. Yes, stress of certain natures is a major issue with my health. Though the sink problem has further implications in both cooking food (health) and cleanliness (stress). There may be a few other things I can get done, though I realize I am quite weak and very tired. Maybe tending these things will help with that, maybe not. I may simply be in a physical rut I will have to try and push through.
So, Arlen Specter finally became honest eh? I hope his happy ride to hell is worth it. I wish this had happened soon enough that Bush would not have helped his re-election. Though, I am not sure enough about Bush that he would not have helped anyway. They are peas in a pod. Then again, everyone in political office is that way these days. The political process has been hijacked by leftists and it is not about to change. I am not sure what can actually be done about it but I am pretty sure it is not going to be fun either way. All things, including good things, must end.
Well, I best get to figuring some of my list out. I really want to go back to bed but I know that is not the way. So, it is either get busy or begin what will be a long fall. Hmm, should you not also be getting busy? :p
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Exhaustion.
.
.
I needed the rest, but it seems I need more rest. I cannot get things going again. I will have to figure out how to do that, I do not have enough time to mess with this. Then again, if it were a choice it would not be a problem. I suppose the best I can do is try to take care of myself as well as I am able, eating and sleeping as well as I can and taking care of stresses as quickly as possible. It stinks being crippled. Prayer, of course, is always useful. If nothing else, it helps me to live with the realities that exist.
My lady friend seems to be in trouble at work. The tale is complicated, but comes down to a pair of customers who were trying to get an item for free, claiming it was mislabeled (the store policy is that if a product is mislabeled, it is free… as I said, the product was not mislabeled). The truth is, it was not mislabeled. Further, the pair had been “goofing around” in the women’s bathroom and my friend had called them on that. Another woman, an employee, had entered the facilities only to be confronted by the activity and to be frightened out. The female of the group filed a complaint saying my lady friend was not nice. Just a few days ago, another complaint was filed (most likely by one of that pair or by one of their friends). My friend has been reassigned, very negatively. I think, after working at a place for 10 years, and with the type of people filing the complaints, the management would know the situation. Then again, perhaps they are looking at cutting back and this is a convenient way. She is at risk.
I do not know what to say. I cannot deal with my problems. I certainly cannot help her, especially with the financial bind she seems to insist on being in. Sometimes I think she seeks problems, sometimes I just think she is cursed. I would wager it is a bit of both. She is better than some women I know, though. Some women seem to seek the worst friends, situations, health conditions, and whatever other drama they can pile on their plate, and then look around for sympathy, live off of that, and still flounder in life. At least my lady friend is not that bad. Further, I think she was right in her response, for the most part, to creeps. Sadly, in this world, creeps often win.
I think I have completed securing my system as well as I am able. I have some worry about blogs, I wonder how easy it is to put something in blogs which would get onto even a protected system. I am not sure how to secure my system properly, and security set up by the “pro’s” is only marginally better. I am having some problems with my system locking up. I need to get on that, but… I am so tired that talking and thinking are difficult. I think the problem lies with programs (many of which are junkware) trying to update or upgrade through my router, software, or both. It is very frustrating. In time, I suppose, I will figure it out.
It is about bed time. I have not been going to bed rightly the last two days, nor getting up early of course. I would like try to get back to that pattern, I think it helps. And, I had best figure out some other things. My sink is clogged with paraffin wax, another problem that really gums up the works, adds to stress, and ends up preventing me from getting on with other things and important things (like cooking and cleaning). *sigh*
Good night. I hope your lives are a bit less problematic.
.
I needed the rest, but it seems I need more rest. I cannot get things going again. I will have to figure out how to do that, I do not have enough time to mess with this. Then again, if it were a choice it would not be a problem. I suppose the best I can do is try to take care of myself as well as I am able, eating and sleeping as well as I can and taking care of stresses as quickly as possible. It stinks being crippled. Prayer, of course, is always useful. If nothing else, it helps me to live with the realities that exist.
My lady friend seems to be in trouble at work. The tale is complicated, but comes down to a pair of customers who were trying to get an item for free, claiming it was mislabeled (the store policy is that if a product is mislabeled, it is free… as I said, the product was not mislabeled). The truth is, it was not mislabeled. Further, the pair had been “goofing around” in the women’s bathroom and my friend had called them on that. Another woman, an employee, had entered the facilities only to be confronted by the activity and to be frightened out. The female of the group filed a complaint saying my lady friend was not nice. Just a few days ago, another complaint was filed (most likely by one of that pair or by one of their friends). My friend has been reassigned, very negatively. I think, after working at a place for 10 years, and with the type of people filing the complaints, the management would know the situation. Then again, perhaps they are looking at cutting back and this is a convenient way. She is at risk.
I do not know what to say. I cannot deal with my problems. I certainly cannot help her, especially with the financial bind she seems to insist on being in. Sometimes I think she seeks problems, sometimes I just think she is cursed. I would wager it is a bit of both. She is better than some women I know, though. Some women seem to seek the worst friends, situations, health conditions, and whatever other drama they can pile on their plate, and then look around for sympathy, live off of that, and still flounder in life. At least my lady friend is not that bad. Further, I think she was right in her response, for the most part, to creeps. Sadly, in this world, creeps often win.
I think I have completed securing my system as well as I am able. I have some worry about blogs, I wonder how easy it is to put something in blogs which would get onto even a protected system. I am not sure how to secure my system properly, and security set up by the “pro’s” is only marginally better. I am having some problems with my system locking up. I need to get on that, but… I am so tired that talking and thinking are difficult. I think the problem lies with programs (many of which are junkware) trying to update or upgrade through my router, software, or both. It is very frustrating. In time, I suppose, I will figure it out.
It is about bed time. I have not been going to bed rightly the last two days, nor getting up early of course. I would like try to get back to that pattern, I think it helps. And, I had best figure out some other things. My sink is clogged with paraffin wax, another problem that really gums up the works, adds to stress, and ends up preventing me from getting on with other things and important things (like cooking and cleaning). *sigh*
Good night. I hope your lives are a bit less problematic.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Suicide.
.
.
This is a very misunderstood topic, I think. Psychologists think it is just bad thinking come to a conclusion, something that can be arrested, and often they do not believe it is a choice a sane person would make. While some of that may be true, and for some people, for others that is not the case. In today’s economy, suicide has happened, and will continue to happen. I think these types of cases may be mitigated, though and again, not all of them.
For me, suicide in the time were it was an option, was not negotiable. I tried three different methods over a period of five years, at least two of them really should have worked. Each attempt was more serious, regardless of psychiatric “help”. As I said on her blog, the greatest help offered by psychiatry was that as I was getting away from the notions and knew my impulses were not controllable, I could find refuge from myself in certain places. Away from the methods of death, I am sure my life has been extended. For my case, my situation is not temporary. Being disabled and the function of that disability both drove the impulse. Going from functional to permanently exhausted and trying to fight against the exhaustion left me completely bare of defense against that. Without religion or strong family ties, along with that last, I was naked and alone in the cold brutal dark. My attempts at suicide were brave, in their way. Though I did not really wish to die, I wished less, much less, to be a burden and a cripple. I knew, or was pretty sure, this “thing” was not recoverable. Pride, poverty, and the loss of a future led to the decision. Once the decision was made, it carried a momentum that at times was greater than my choice of life. Even when I was beginning to accept life again, the momentum toward death carried me past my recently changed but weak acceptance of life.
As for men who have fallen from social and economic grace, I think the thing depends on whether they can do one of two things. The first hope is that they may learn to live more humbly, as I have. The last chance, and most likely impossibility, is that they find a way to regain some level of status. Family, friends, and society in general, can play a part. These last are the straw that can break the camel’s back, or not, though, and no more. It is up to the individual conscientiously up to a very small bit once the impetus is upon them. Psychiatry may try to be of assistance, but it cannot, in the end, help. At it’s best, it can only delay. I guess, here as in medicine, I think the healing is self made. Doctors merely play some odd role in a means of assisting the patient to find a way to healing. A doctor does not and cannot heal. A psychiatrist cannot heal. A man can heal, maybe.
Though I think there are places for psychiatry, as with medicine. A broken arm can be set and repaired more easily, surely, and safely by someone who has been taught and experienced such acts. And, psychiatry has helped me profoundly in dealing with trauma. But really, that was more to do with having someone who could hear terrible things without themselves becoming traumatized (?). Most of the therapy that worked involved just having someone who could hear terrible things, be able to accept quietly, and to ask a question or two now and again. That is what family and friends are for, yet to use them for this on certain things is to burden them beyond their capacity, to poison them. Further, that was only available once I decided to try and live.
Some people, without God, want to think they can do things on their own. Those who say they know God yet fail when they are not in power never knew God. It is similar, in a smaller way, with family. These people think they, or other professionals, can solve anything. Doctors, psychiatrists, lawyers, or others can fix any problem, along with our hero, or so he thinks. The truth is, professions are a façade. The weak know this, some of them (us) were not always weak. Wise women know this, they know they are vulnerable and incapable of being secure in themselves. And, good leaders understand they are most important when they do as little or less than is required (they will and do mess things up if they are active).
How do we save these men of pride then? We do not, we cannot. We can only pray that they see the value of life before they lose all their chance at hope. We honestly cannot do anything. I know, the first time, and second time, even the third time, I was being cared for until I changed my direction, while I was in hospitals, I was merely resting up to brave another go at death… and to figure out how. Heck, I found some really good ideas about how to do it in there. Although, if a wife is married to one of these men, she knows he is otherwise a good man, and she is a good woman, then she will eat her fears and only show him love and a surety that it was not his wealth, power, or glory that she married, but him as a good man. She might keep from being the final straw. Otherwise, let her shrill him to his finality… so long as she has her next keeper in the bag. Keepers, of that sort, are becoming extinct and that loss is not slowing. And, understand, even a good wife might become a widow.
Enough of the darkness… Bring on the dancing women! Bah! I quit all that silliness. Hmm, maybe a beer, a sleep, and a day of work tomorrow will have to do. Good night.
.
This is a very misunderstood topic, I think. Psychologists think it is just bad thinking come to a conclusion, something that can be arrested, and often they do not believe it is a choice a sane person would make. While some of that may be true, and for some people, for others that is not the case. In today’s economy, suicide has happened, and will continue to happen. I think these types of cases may be mitigated, though and again, not all of them.
For me, suicide in the time were it was an option, was not negotiable. I tried three different methods over a period of five years, at least two of them really should have worked. Each attempt was more serious, regardless of psychiatric “help”. As I said on her blog, the greatest help offered by psychiatry was that as I was getting away from the notions and knew my impulses were not controllable, I could find refuge from myself in certain places. Away from the methods of death, I am sure my life has been extended. For my case, my situation is not temporary. Being disabled and the function of that disability both drove the impulse. Going from functional to permanently exhausted and trying to fight against the exhaustion left me completely bare of defense against that. Without religion or strong family ties, along with that last, I was naked and alone in the cold brutal dark. My attempts at suicide were brave, in their way. Though I did not really wish to die, I wished less, much less, to be a burden and a cripple. I knew, or was pretty sure, this “thing” was not recoverable. Pride, poverty, and the loss of a future led to the decision. Once the decision was made, it carried a momentum that at times was greater than my choice of life. Even when I was beginning to accept life again, the momentum toward death carried me past my recently changed but weak acceptance of life.
As for men who have fallen from social and economic grace, I think the thing depends on whether they can do one of two things. The first hope is that they may learn to live more humbly, as I have. The last chance, and most likely impossibility, is that they find a way to regain some level of status. Family, friends, and society in general, can play a part. These last are the straw that can break the camel’s back, or not, though, and no more. It is up to the individual conscientiously up to a very small bit once the impetus is upon them. Psychiatry may try to be of assistance, but it cannot, in the end, help. At it’s best, it can only delay. I guess, here as in medicine, I think the healing is self made. Doctors merely play some odd role in a means of assisting the patient to find a way to healing. A doctor does not and cannot heal. A psychiatrist cannot heal. A man can heal, maybe.
Though I think there are places for psychiatry, as with medicine. A broken arm can be set and repaired more easily, surely, and safely by someone who has been taught and experienced such acts. And, psychiatry has helped me profoundly in dealing with trauma. But really, that was more to do with having someone who could hear terrible things without themselves becoming traumatized (?). Most of the therapy that worked involved just having someone who could hear terrible things, be able to accept quietly, and to ask a question or two now and again. That is what family and friends are for, yet to use them for this on certain things is to burden them beyond their capacity, to poison them. Further, that was only available once I decided to try and live.
Some people, without God, want to think they can do things on their own. Those who say they know God yet fail when they are not in power never knew God. It is similar, in a smaller way, with family. These people think they, or other professionals, can solve anything. Doctors, psychiatrists, lawyers, or others can fix any problem, along with our hero, or so he thinks. The truth is, professions are a façade. The weak know this, some of them (us) were not always weak. Wise women know this, they know they are vulnerable and incapable of being secure in themselves. And, good leaders understand they are most important when they do as little or less than is required (they will and do mess things up if they are active).
How do we save these men of pride then? We do not, we cannot. We can only pray that they see the value of life before they lose all their chance at hope. We honestly cannot do anything. I know, the first time, and second time, even the third time, I was being cared for until I changed my direction, while I was in hospitals, I was merely resting up to brave another go at death… and to figure out how. Heck, I found some really good ideas about how to do it in there. Although, if a wife is married to one of these men, she knows he is otherwise a good man, and she is a good woman, then she will eat her fears and only show him love and a surety that it was not his wealth, power, or glory that she married, but him as a good man. She might keep from being the final straw. Otherwise, let her shrill him to his finality… so long as she has her next keeper in the bag. Keepers, of that sort, are becoming extinct and that loss is not slowing. And, understand, even a good wife might become a widow.
Enough of the darkness… Bring on the dancing women! Bah! I quit all that silliness. Hmm, maybe a beer, a sleep, and a day of work tomorrow will have to do. Good night.
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