Thinly devised.

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The world, that is. Or more the world of men. Cliques here, odd notions there, prejudices everywhere. Walk into the world of the upper quarter or tenth, and you best be dressed exquisitely. From brands to styles to haircut, one thing out of line and you are spotted immediately. Exquisite frauds do well there, unless it is found that they have no money. Front and back, it all has to be real or the participant will be excluded. That works with the poor, too. It works that way with groups of men, women, and children. Every subset has expectations and demands. If you do not fit, you will be excluded. I have a large group of areas where I may attend, but I fit none of them as is ultimately required. For good or ill, I am my own.

Still, I look on how thinly most human relations are devised and wonder at the operation. Oh, do not believe me. Find several places you know you do not belong, if you can get in and it is safe, go to those places. Go once as you are. Go another time far removed after pulling out all of the stops to fit in. Look at what you had to do to try and fit in. Understand that is all artificial. It has all been codified into the lives of those who do fit in. Those who fit in rarely even consider the artifices at some point in their journey to be part of their chosen crowd. No, most cannot simply drift to where they are. Even bums make very difficult choices to be what they are.

Why all this fuss. Well, women. No, I really am not "butt ugly" as another has termed being unattractive. I am also not a handsome man. I am just another or maybe a little less. As I rate things. Yeah, I realize, for women it is not about looks. They may like or dislike how a man looks, but his power and leadership and some other things can overcome her notions of appearances so easily that appearances are almost laughably off the list of their real wants. However, in looking for a woman, I am looking for something more substantive. I am starting to think that it really does just come down to charming her down from shrew to wife. And any more, just getting to the goo. That is not new. Men and women are both feral, and when not confined by social morals and legal harassment, we get what we got here. What we have here is a failure to communicate. I want more.

As well, it leads into the thoughts regarding decision making. So much of it seems to be based so thinly on alliances, appearances, activities, pseudo beliefs, and such, created on the basis of little more than brands worn, profession, the religion one was born into, or other things that have little to do with who people really are or who they wish to be. I live in an artificial world. Trying to be real in it is both trying and lonesome. And, yet, I would not, could not, have it any other way. At least I have not been offered hemlock. Then again, who even knows me? *grins*

Though to be truthful, I came to be where I am by falling out of what I had wanted and tried to be. Without function in society, I have no need to kiss some jerks butt to make sure I can keep doing what I am doing so that I can bring home a pay check. I do not need to worry about my hair being cut just so, I do not need to wear a suit or other formal or informal uniform, I do not need to get along with my peers, and more I have never felt compelled to do so, knowing from elementary school on that I had no peers at my age, and few amongst my school aged elders. I fell out young then I fell out completely. Most do not have that "luxury".

Well, I best get to a few things. Have a great day. One question first. Are you real?

Okay, now, get this.

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While I was out a bit ago, I stopped somewhere for food. Waitresses, of course, flirt. Flirt equals tips, period. I know this, you know this, she knows this, wives and girlfriends (may they never meet) know this. Fine, I understand. I engaged the young woman, 25 or less and quite easily in the "8" range, being conservative. (And, if you have your druthers, marry a waitress, trust me. Anyway.) After a little this and that, all on the up-and-up mind you, she just came out and suggested where I should stop for a beer, and when. Or at least, I am told, that is when and where she goes. Okay guys, I got scooped on this one. Tempted? Lord knows it.

I came right home after, looked in the mirror, and all I could say was... WTF? Just... words escape me. And she has not been the only one. The problem is... I am incredulous. Go into your back yard and stub your toe on a pound and a half gold nugget. After which, we will chat about this. That is all I am saying right there. Oh, and yeah... these things test my celibacy. Oh do they.

Good night.

Nope.

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Again, the doctor said no. She said as a single mother, she had worked too hard for her medical license. She said I could see another doctor in the V.A. (though, after seeing three with the same results, I have no hope for that, here), or I could check myself into a psych clinic where they would, by the way, tend my blood pressure issues. Neither option is viable. The only thing I know about psych hospitals is that they need to be avoided slightly more vigorously than people should avoid academia (if seeking a legitimate education, only go there to cheat your way to a job you are under-qualified to work... that includes engineering).

I did suggest I would take a water pill I know to have had no ill effects. I am starting to collect fluid around the ankles again (and probably everywhere). No problem with that, but it looks like that is the end of the line there. The tests are back on, I do believe. They want to check my endocrine system. They have never checked most of these things out. There is a chance that is the problem. She so badly wants it to merely be a case of bipolar and high blood pressure though. They all do. It lets them off the hook for 20 years of piss poor medical care, misdiagnosis, and probably an avoidable disability case. She so wants it to be merely my fault. It, trust me, is not.

If those tests, and MRI scan and some other things, do not prove out, it looks like I am at the end of the road as far as medication and medical intervention. I simply do not have enough money at this point to pay for private medical care, which might also include looking for a doctor who would prescribe what works. As my stats spiral in the negative direction, the chances get worse. So, I guess, once again, I am on a death list. Obamacare is what you will all get soon. If you do not fit their program, you will simply be allowed to die, even with something right over there that works. Not for you. Only the bell toll for you.

So be it. I did not expect much today and got what I expected. The water pill should be helpful. My pulse is also high now, probably due to water build up. We will just have to see. That is my day in a nutshell. Oh, but I did stop at my favorite restaurant and ordered shrimp ceviche again. I did not eat anything else there, though I did buy some food to take home. And, on another good note, I was out of the house by noon. I was quite pleased with that, and even got a few chores tended before I left. Yeah, that was good.

Good night.

Up and running. At a slow walk, that is.

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I could not get to sleep last night. I am beginning to hate doctor appointments, so either through stress, resentment, frustration, or all of that and more, getting to sleep the night before is tough. Still, I got up and am actually chucking along at a goodly pace, with or without considering the situation. My goal is to be out of here by noon. Could happen, though I am eyeballing 13:00 as the most likely scenario and somewhere between those numbers as the next most likely time I will be out. That is just the way it works.

Strange dreams have been painting my eyelids of late. Much of it themed around people from the high schools I attended, and mostly the girls. Well, all about some of the girls. No, not so much sexual, though how can one dream of women and not have a little bubble gum and sex notion going on? Especially when we were all young. Quaint memories? Hmm, I did not have a quaint life. I suppose I idealized such though. Yeah, something like that. The dreams have also been dissecting human decision making. Looking through the strata, causes, getting into the 'moment' of the decision maker, pulling back and seeing the big picture, looking at the micro-aspects, evaluating the outcomes based on the outcomes, the reasoning, emotional value, religious teaching, and many other ways. I would call it something like full blown thought autopsies. My decision stands, most people are stinker thinkers and should not be allowed to handle money or their own lives even. Thank God we have the government and credit card companies! (snark -off)

I do have an appointment today. I am looking forward to it similar to the manner in which most look forward to seeing a dentist and taking their automobile in for repairs on the same day. Oil, blood, and money to be drilled on the same day. I do not mind the dentist, though I have come to dread the shop. Those blood suckers cannot be trusted by their mother. Doctors seem to have decided it is better to see me dead than possibly functioning. It may literally be political. One less staunch conservative in the economic world is considered something which allows them to set aside the (probably defunct now anyway, considering abortion) "...do no harm..." part of their creed. Well, it is all I have. Today we will decide if we will go forward or if I will simply complete the dying process unhindered. Yeah, I know what it means.

Best to get moving. On to waking a bit then out the door. A shower first, so I am dry and clean before I walk out the door. The sun is up, out, and smiling like the blazes. It should be a great day for a drive. Have a good day.

Woot!

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Nothing big. I tried on the jeans I bought, finally. Though I can get into 38 waist, I am not quite there yet. But the 40 waist is just a wee loose. I could not keep them on without a solidly cinching belt. Yeah, I like it. And, as spring and then summer arrives, I am hoping to get to the 38 and maybe on down to 36 (if I will save the others). That is six sizes in about 2 years. Further, my weight has only come down, say, 50 pounds. My weight has not dropped since last summer, essentially. Smaller size, same weight... that means one thing. I am getting stronger.

Well, on to other things. I took the trash to the bin, but it is the only sack so I will not bother lugging it to the curb. I would like to have gotten recycling out, there is room only for one more bag without some effort. Still, it is mostly weeks (months?) of soda cans, so it is easily compacted. Dishes, kitty litter box, laundry, and maybe a trip to see my friend. I need to wake up a bit first. Been working on that since 9:00, a tug and pull kind of day so far. I did shower, I did trim my beard and mustache, I did try on the jeans, and I chased and ran from the "kids". Sassy loves to hunt... and be hunted too! *squeals* Or, more... *meow* She loves it. Even Sam loves to be waylaid and frizzled once in a while... Hey, they started it. And they do love it.

Have a great day.

My mother has changed the menu.

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She is thinking she would rather have me drive out for a visit. I am not certain what the deal is. I put out some feelers to test the wind and may have some ideas. There are some practical reasons she gave, but there is at least something she is not saying and probably several things giving her pause about travel in the near future. Trust me, I know this woman. Deviously secretive, definitely full of plots, though I would not say her plots or deviousness is necessarily evil or dark. If too I do not fully trust. She does what she does for both her own and external reasons. Now, this is fine. It will give me time to build finances a bit more soundly before the trip. Though she is considering coming out later in the year, which might not be possible. It is a money issue. This or that, I cannot guarantee I can or would do both. The drive will be more expensive than a flight and the need is for me to drive. Or the want. There are reasons for that.

I am hoping to get to a few things tomorrow. I have some bills to check, some tasks out of the home to do, and a few things in house that need tending. I have been rather lax, I need to find a way to push. I need to try harder. I want to have the home as clean when I go as I would if she were visiting. I also need to get beans and rice on the ready, maybe boiled eggs as well. I will need food to push through, lots of it. Two or three small meals a day is what is required. We will see.

Later.

We have a healthy snow back.

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It happened over the last week. Me, of course, blithely unaware for the most part. I looked out today to see someone had cleared my drive. I need to find out who is doing this. No, I do not owe them anything. They made their choice, they did this work and have been doing it. What I do have is gratitude, something that is mine and which I feel a need to express. And, I will.

Television is such trash to watch these days. When my mother concludes her visit here, I will end cable television. Trying to make women into warriors, minorities into heroes, does not work for me at all. Women can never be warriors until you can bring me a healthy typical woman of my age and she can defeat me. Or even hold her own with me in hand to hand combat. Unfortunately or not, as is, I could kill the average women with meek punches, let alone what I can unleash if pressed. Minorities cannot be heroes until they, as groups, stop being full out thugs as general populations. There is no compromise.

Up late but up early too. Still maintain a day schedule, if that is slipping. I am doing more than just staying up, but losing my grip on "just staying up". I do not know, for sure, if gaining one loses the other. I will not even speculate. After two decades of illness, one would think they would have a handle on it. But before coming to Utah, I was all but blind to what goes on in the deeper throws of the illness. I am just learning. Who would have thought a simple move would make that much of a difference. Certainly not I. I have yet to feel the bite of winter weather on my face, in the mountains, as per my dreams. But that day will come. I will, in time, be winter camping.

I look at my body. It is strengthening somehow. After twenty years, for whatever reason, I am still powerful. My stamina, of course, is weak. But why is my body still so potent in other ways? I do not understand all things. Though I might suggest fear has something to do with it. Enough fighting, enough other trouble, constant doubt through much of life, have lead me to always being ready. My flesh anyway. It was trained young, it was trained hard... brutal. No matter what happened 'upstairs', 'down stairs' is it's own animal. That notion, at one time, really helped lead to a decision to self terminate. Then, among many other things, I learned I could trust that beast. Still, that long and it is more like... I am mothballed than anything else. All is ready. I even gain muscle and strength and stamina at an almost alarming rate. From start to stop, bench pressing 300 plus in less than 3 months after a long hiatus, and while beginning to swim, going from a few laps a day to a mile a day, three times a week, in that same period at the same time. My body is merely waiting to be activated. Odd.

Well, on to other things. Have a great Sunday. Get out and go to God's house if you can. He is waiting.

The mind.

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It is a most occupying pastime to consider decision making in creatures such as humans. Though we have the capacity for logic, we have the full force of emotion, hormonal affects, and other things such as animal instincts all at play. Further complicating matters is the truth that a clear and direct means of logic does not always prove out in real life practice. Those are two separate sides to be considered, of course. But when viewing decision making, both sides are vital.

How much do our wants drive our decision? What about raw need? Even deciphering which is which, at times, is very controversial. What about simple tastes? I like the color blue, though usually prefer more of the darker earthen colors. Sentiments and habits play a part in everything from purchases to who we like and dislike. How much of that, in the grand scheme of things, ends up being logical if we cannot always place the logic? For example, not liking people with tattoos or piercings as some do. First, it indicates that the person is outside of many of our understandings of life and how to live it. Extremely outside of our ways. Is there a real logic to that prejudice that works? While all of this is debatable, I do think there is more going on that could ever meet the eye.

This consideration came about the other day when I watched someone make a large mistake in what I saw as a simple choice. It was not a vital decision. I did offer input. But their mind was made up already and the bad choice was acted upon, only later to be regretted. I almost think half the reason for the choice was to spurn those who would "control" the decision maker. They wanted to be free to do what they liked. They disregarded the fact that freedom has a price, that being free to always choose is not really what it seems, and that perhaps in some ways to be right means to do what you would prefer not to do. I do not think this particular person learned. They will continue bucking the system and losing. And, they will continue blaming the system or "the man", "patriarchy", "religion", or whatever other facet of reality that tells them how they can live right and tries to coax them into choosing in a reality that does not offer that many real choices.

Pick blue. Go ahead, that really does not matter usually. Choose what you remember, unless you can be shown differently. But do not choose what is wrong simply because that makes you feel free. You are a slave. To your body, you must eat, you must defecate, you must breath. To reality, or some might say true science, as if you go up, you must (in common terms) come down, you cannot walk on water, and you cannot fly. To secular truths, if you are broke no one will give you much, if you are limited intellectually you may be treated like a child, if you are less than those around you you will not be treated as a peer. Breaking rules is not allowed, not even among the rule breakers, who merely create their own hierarchy and set of rules (which fails after some period of time, as all pyramid schemes do) by which their members must abide.

Their is freedom, but it is a sliver of a notion. It is to know God. To know your limitations. Then to go from there. It amazes me how people think. I promise though, if they only think with their flesh, they are miserable. Money will not fix that. Nothing will. The flesh is doomed and even those who try to live only of the flesh, pleasures or pains, joys or whatever, deep down inside they know. Whistling past the graveyard cannot work. It just has not failed, yet.

Oh, this consideration goes far deeper and is much broader. But what I think in moments on the thing could fill volumes. No one would read them, of course. Still I thought I should let it be known that... this is not even the scratching of the surface of one facet of the massive gem I am writing about. I will think more on it for the rest of my life. If to no great ends, it passes time.

Going armed.

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I moved, as many of you know, from what was fast becoming another Mid-West socialist hellhole. I doubt if, even with the changes and fixes, they will be able to survive. They cannot change enough fast enough to keep the demographic disaster the previous administrations created from reducing the state to rubble. I would move back as soon as I would agree to move to England or some other European fascist wasteland.

It is so funny to watch on the news how gun ownership is treated like a disease. Why funny? Here, where I live, I doubt if there is a teenager who could not lay claim to a firearm or three. And here, where I live, I have yet to see one hundredth of the crime I saw in the area I lived where even gun ownership was... something for the police to keep tabs on. We do not need gated communities, until you get into the liberal parts, areas of the state in which people socially and politically try to keep guns out. There you will see the gated communities. There you will see the crime. There you will see what I left.

We are the police. We are everything out here. First responders, firemen, police, friends, neighbors, and simple people. Not there. There they are cogs who do one thing, do it (supposedly) well, and get paid big bucks to do so (then scurry home and hope no one breaks in, surrendering anything and everything if that happens for just one more breath).

Do guns, personally, empower me? Well, they might, in some theoretical manner. In real terms, they are a responsibility. They, or really the notion of their use, carries a heavy weight. I cannot undo anything a bullet does. It is more humbling than empowering. And yet, it is right. To live among men, and even women, who know how to shoot and would do so, is the part that is uplifting. It means we are all responsible. And trust is verified by our rights. A failure, in any way, would be quick and final. That is honest country living.

Anyone who buys a gun to gain power, if they shoot it regularly, and are honest, will come to understand what I have written. I hope police know it. I know myself and other military men I knew understood it. I do believe that to be true. Buy a gun to become a free man and part of who created and protected this nation. Any personal notions are at best secondary. Now, get out and buy a side or long arm, then practice.

Life is different here, now.

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Still in pain. I ache as if beaten around the head and shoulders. Minor headache fodder is to be found, though these headaches pass easily and quickly with minor attention at this point. Though I may have had the flu, these symptoms are not from that cause. Out here, in Utah, I am more aware. Of course being aware only offers you a chance to pick something up when it is present. It took me a while, as what I figured out is a sleep time thing. I realize I am not rolling when I sleep. I remember, in more normal pain free times, rolling in my sleep. I either sleep too deeply currently, or something else is going on. I never wake needing to pee (a good thing as it is a symptom of diabetes, though anyone who drinks too much too late might need to go during the night). I remember nothing from the nights. I used to need to take my socks off, or kick my feet out from the covers, and often both. It has been so long since I have done either that I cannot remember. I am dreaming though. Something from my early high school days. Something about pretty girls, girls I saw naked and wanted to see naked, bubble gum, friends, and "stuff". Thankfully my shoes were tied in the dream. I often went without doing so in my youth.

What does this tell me? It tells me there IS something different. It tells me it is not psychological, probably. At least what is happening now is simply an anomaly with my sleep function. Thankfully I was built to take pain, was built solid. I might be a bit cranky around the neck joints, I might be a bit stiff, but I think it could be worse. I ought to do stretches of some sort. No... attention to detail is needed, it is something I cannot give. Bad stretching could actually do damage, and I do tend to get obsessive. I think I will stick with sore for the moment.

Oh, right. Not only did I do some of the dishes, I actually put the food up this time. I am not a great fan of leftover spaghetti, but it is better than... scraping something else together. And, it is not just sitting in the pans, making a stink, or wasting away in the garbage. It should be interesting to see about another round of this whole wheat pasta. Regular pasta was not great the second time. It did not hold up well to reheating. I found techniques which proved more successful, but...

A little waking up first. I am up late, but I went to bed even later. Less than seven hours of sleep, so I am fine considering what I got done and "dinner". Have a great day. Avoid brown ground fruits, wooden nickels, and voting for politicians who hide when they are being asked to cut spending (first and last are about equal, wooden nickels if understood can be collectable).

(By the way, spellcheck was trying to change "collectable" to "collectible". I had never read or heard that correction before (and do not, explicitly, trust spellcheck). I finally have my big old dictionary right chere. So, a thumbing through, and... both. So, I both learned something (I would have corrected someone else's "collectible" or thought them in error) and enjoyed using my dictionary for the first time in a while. And, if technically correct, I HATE "collectible". Later!)

Being a good boy and all...

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For doing the dishes I decided to make a more proper meal. Spaghetti with meat sauce was the choice. I tried something new though. Whole wheat spaghetti is a new and... interesting thing? Yes, that might be the best description. I do not like whole wheat bread, other than when it pops out of the oven and with butter. Whole wheat bread does not work well for sandwiches or toast or, really, any way I traditionally might use bread. And day old is worthless, at least two or three days old. Still, I am trying to eat a bit more "right". Rather than go to whole wheat bread, I have merely cut my use of bread drastically and stayed with "white" bread. This, whole wheat spaghetti, however I might stick with. I did fear the price, and eschew generics. I also avoid "organic" and the higher end foods. Actually, the brand I went with was less expensive than my regular spaghetti, if that is one instance where I tended to go higher end.

Whole wheat spaghetti is a very different animal. The taste is definitely different. It certainly is heavier. The texture is more a plus while the taste? It does not really have a flavor, not one I can decipher. I also did not get a rush from it. That last was very odd as I did not realize I got a rush from spaghetti until I did not get the rush. Slower to digest, of course, as all whole grain products are. What was also odd is, though I did splurge and eat more than I normally would due to a number of factors, I ended up being full rather quickly. With regular pasta, I end up feeling hungry even when I seem full. The more full I am, even to past the stuffed sensation, the hungrier I seem to get. I was quite full and satisfied after only a portion of what I would normally have eaten. Interesting indeed. I have two more packs of the stuff. I am actually looking forward to more testing. It really is not bad, or... that is my first take.

Oh, and I did wash the sauce pan and am soaking the pasta pot. Tomorrow I hope to finish off the last of the pots and pans and some laundry. I would also like to take a closer look at the instructions for the bench I intend to use for reloading and measure the room again, to make sure what, exact, sizes of wood cuts I will need. They say measure twice, cut once. As a new woodworker, I would rather measure three or four times, then check again. I do not want to be half way through the project only to find I do not have the room to construct the thing where it needs to go, or otherwise fit it into the room. The door to the area is small, the area is tight. The room was, I think, literally a cloak room for a farming family. In a way, it is a fancy thing, or traditional. Now it stores survival gear and will be a tucked away bullet manufacturing area as well. To each his own.

Well, it is well past bedtime. Making dinner takes time. So be it. I deserved a good meal today. I should eat right more often, but for the dishes, shopping, and such I would. Good night. Or good morning, most likely.

The Mom.

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I am getting more things done. No shooting today, as I said, the weather was closing in even last night. The sun did come out, but who knows how much snow was deposited before that. I have been working on the dishes. The pans are half way to being available again. Some are done, some are soaking, and a few are yet to be started. I collect dirty pans, you know!

It seems, however, that the clock is ticking. My mother called today to inform me that for three weeks, starting near the end of March, she would be quite pleased if I bought her tickets and prepared for her visit. Well, okay. Huh!?! Okies. This means I will have to figure out how to... do some things. Oh, she will work hard when she gets here, regardless of what I do. Still, I would rather her not be too unhappy when she arrives. That, however, is totally unavoidable in some ways. As my Mom, she will be pleased to just see me. As a woman, or more human, she must always be somewhat disappointed. It is the only way to set the agenda. I know this, if more form a guy's perspective.

So, to figure out how to get the place in some kind of order for her visit. I will think on it. And pray about it. Time is ticking though. Ah well. One way or another, she will be here shortly. Good night.

Why now?

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After a long day of little, I am able to work. I have been catching up on dishes, and was thinking about doing more. But, why at midnight or later? Why now? I was up all day long but just now have whatever it is that allows me to work? Frustrating. I had promised my friend that if the weather was good we would go shooting tomorrow. So, before I stayed up any later I decided to check the weather. The bad weather is here already and will continue for some time, into several days if they are correct. Clear to clean, staying up as late as I wish to get as much done as possible. This window of opportunity does not happen often, I take it when I can.

Have you ever opened your windows and forgotten them open? Yeah, it does tend to get chilly in the winter. No furnace is that good, and probably thank the heavens. I am still thawing out from that. Still, it is something to chuckle about. The cats, I do not believe, thought it was all that funny. Another thing, of course, to chuckle about. They were nowhere to be found while opening the windows but they followed me around as I was closing them. Just to make sure I suppose. Who knows, though, what is really going through the mind of a cat at any given time. It would, truly, be interesting to find out though.

Well, a bit of goofing as another load of dishes soaks. I have pretty much cleared up the serving dishes and utensils. Pots and pans, of course, lag. Ah well. Good night.

Not too shabby.

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I received part of my order today, from Cabela's. I have yet to try on the pants, two sizes. My 42 waist pants are starting to be uncomfortably loose. A belt only does so much. Still, I am not quite a 38 yet either. Or am I? I will find out. Many old jeans will go away, though I will save a small pile of them purely for work. I do intend to work, when I can. Lawn work if nothing else, but I have some other things on the menu. I received one of the stools, the one without a back. It is cheap, plastic, odd, but it will do. It is also convenient, light, and seems strong enough. We will see. I received one of two of the magazine loading devices for a late Christmas present for my friend. Who knows when the rest of it will show up. The missing stool was supposed to be in stock when I ordered, but the larger magazine loading device was on a one week backorder. I will not complain though really, just note.

The day is sunny, most of the time. Clouds have moved in and out, making for a fun (to me) day. I like a little bit of a mixture to my weather, all save freezing rain is good to me. I like some sun and some shadow, I like rain and snow and clear. I absolutely love thunderstorms, even when I might get caught out in one. It is just how I am. I am savoring the last drops of winter. Only for summer do I wish for a quick brutal end to the season. That last two weeks to month tries every bone of patience I have in me. And the high heat part of the season also tests my nerves. Still, I try my best to enjoy even that.

Sassy continues to be my little fruitbasket. Jumping and scratching, whoever or whatever, playing with cords, figuring out just what might make Sam actually get up and do something about whatever she is doing (or what can get pop-o off his chair, out of bed, or even moving quicker). A little rascal and I do love her for it. She, like all girls, just wants to have fun! Thank God she cannot do makeup or get pregnant. That is all I am saying right there. Sam continues to be the rock, mostly. Oh, she goes through her girly stages, and playful moments, but she is pretty much a lap cat and passive observer. She is getting out more. She is dying for spring so I will go out with her more often. As much as those two cats fight though, I can tell they do like each other. A lot. As Sassy is becoming more of an equal, Sam is liking her more and more. Mostly.

It is a fine day to be alive. I am hoping to figure out how to get some things going. A bit more cleaning, work on the reloading bench, a bit of sorting, and some gun cleaning are roughly on the list for when the brute can be bothered. Bits and pieces, scattered efforts, all heading... somewhere. Later.

A nice day for a trip.

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It was rough, getting up this morning. Lower caffeine has bungled my scheduling a bit. I am hoping to normalize and get back on track with less caffeine. It is sad to think how many things we are hooked on. Not caffeine? Not food? How about habits all by themselves? Do you have routines that if disrupted cause you to be out of sorts? Probably. We all have something. One of my problems with starting medicine is two fold, actually. But you could say it comes down to losing access. Whether I fail to take it on time (I never take too much, I often lose track and do not take it). Of course, there is always the fact that what the doctor giveth, the doctor can take away.

Still, I answered my the phone this morning. My friend called to give me a little help getting going. I did stay in bed a bit after that, though not too long. The rest of the day was smooth. A shower, dressing, and driving were flawless. I did not even feel exhausted today. I am sort of watching my nickels, so I was hoping not to spend too much today. In the first place we stopped, though, I found some Under Armor t-shirts that looked, felt, and are perfect. And at a reasonable (to me) price of $20 per. Being a bit unsure about size, I even asked to use the changing room. They are perfect in spite of not being described as tall sized. Oh, and... I am looking much better. I may not be a body builder but compared to last year and for a decade before that, I am looking much better. Then as we were heading to the next stop I noticed a Home Depot. I know the local Home Depot carried the brand, just not the particular product I wanted. So, I stopped at the one in Ogden (or one of them?). Sure enough, right there. I checked the display model, made sure it was right. When that checked, I picked up my first random orbit sander! But, to nickels. Yes, pop-o spent like mom-o at a flea market, chocolate boutique, or clothes store. Meh, not really. No, a hundred and thirty dollars is not quite a spending spree. Still... it is to me.

My friend found bullets, more bullets, and then some loaded bullets. I do need to get him out shooting sometime soon. He is going to get backlogged way to far in those! He must have four or five thousands loads for each of his calibers! He likes to load, he likes to shoot. It is his one thing and he loves it. I sure wish I could find him a job unloading bullets using a gun. :) He would seriously do it all day long and not even think about it.

I grabbed something to eat on our way from home. And while it was good, I was getting a bit hungry on the way back. A stop at another place, and we both ended up fed and happy. Life is good. I really need to figure out how to get out more and to other places. Avalanche warnings are on high, at the moment, so the backcountry is not it. I do not even care to challenge passes. It is snowing today, and I have it on luke-warmly reliable sources that a huge storm will be coming in Thursday and will stay for four or five days. What to do? I know if it is good in the morning on Thursday, I hope to grab my friend, some guns, and see if we can beat the weather and get out shooting.

Have a great day.

How can that be?

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That is not right, just not right I say. I cut my caffeine intake in half. Fine, that is all good and fine. Problem? I cannot sleep. Here it is, 5:00 in the morning, and I am just now finally maybe able to find sleep. I was probably drinking four to eight caffeine drinks a day, large glasses on coffee days. It did keep me awake, and I had thought it might be what was stretching my day, drinking in the afternoon being the main culprit. So why am I unable to sleep with half or less of the caffeine, and that stretched throughout the day? Some things I will simply never understand. Oh, why not just quit cold turkey? One word, headache. It is good to know one's limitations and this is one of mine. I suppose I could ween myself to zero caffeine. It probably would be better for me, maybe. But I also know, from having done that, my sleep cycles would become viciously erratic. I would not be able to tell day from night from week from month. As bad as I am it can get worse.

I am definitely in a pickle. I will have to figure some things out quickly. Yes, mother, to whatever you were going to say. I am pushing every button I know how to push, talking to anyone who might be able to help, and looking for every venue to shine I can find. It has been a bleak little while. Still, I have hope. It may be all I have. Then again, I have heard it said that it is only the hopeless who may truly understand hope? Maybe. Wait, though. I do not consider myself hopeless. Just... as I said... in a pickle. I will just have to find a deli which can make use of one such as me. :p

Good... night? morning? Whatever. I am going to bed.

Pushing things.

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My heart is racing a bit too much, all my stats are high and have been for a while. I am not sure if the flu will do that. I do know I will have to back away from caffeine a goodly bit. I think that is the one thing I can do to positively affect these things. Then again, it may just be nearing my time. I am already an anomaly. I have beaten death and had experiences most people will never see or do. In a way it is incredible. In another way, it leads me to... wonder. Not always in a good way. Still, if I can beat this one too, somehow, I will. Breathing is a bit labored as well. The breathing might be causing the continuous elevation of stats. It is sometimes difficult to be sure what is causing what. I just know it has been running too rich for too long and I need to find out how to slow it down a bit.

I best call and make sure my appointment is Monday. It might be next month. Life gets a little funky around the gills when I am in a rut as I have been for a bit now. Just... trust but verify. Either way, I need to remember the urine test. The instructions are odd, so I best find those. I think I start tonight if I am going to do it for tomorrow... Never mind, if that is how they want it done, that is how I will do it. A quick review suggests not, so... Tomorrow I will finally complete that.

Good night. Sleep well. Dream the perfect dream, then live it. Start from where you are and there you go. And I do mean that. Or go pout, shout, jump, or run. None of that will improve your life, living your dream will. You can do it if I can, and I certainly am, even bound by the chains of my failing flesh. :p

Chilly day, but, really?

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Woke this morning, got to waking up, but kept feeling chilled. It was a hard chill. Pajamas on? Check. Room heat on? Check? So I grabbed a little blanket. Still chilly? Check. On I go, through the morning and into the afternoon... *BAM* It hits me. Is the furnace still off? I turned it while airing the house yesterday. Check, off indeed. Luckily the temp only got down to 60 F, inside anyway. Outside is more than just a bit chilly. My guess is today is a bundle up day. Ah well, no harm no foul, so long as I can thaw soon enough. I know, 60 is not all that cold. But when you are used to warmer (66 F is what I keep it at), and the room heater is probably totally insufficient to the heat demand without the furnace on a bit, the difference is noticeable.

I will get the trash and recycling out tonight. I will not move the bins, simply put all that is going out in the bins in anticipation. If I wait until the last minute I may simply not have the gumption when I remember at 23:00 to 1:00 to push on and get the trash together, trundle it out, and then haul the bin to the curb. If all I have to do is one of those, or even a little bit of gathering and then the trip to the curb, I should be fine. Saving everything for the last minute means all or nothing. Most versus nothing is far superior and actually if set up right will almost guarantee all rather than most which is better than hit or miss. Not that it truly matters, this is just me trying to get every bit of willful action accomplished as possible. It is all I have, can give, can do. I need it.

Looks like I cannot go to Ogden Monday, as I have an appointment in SLC. Well, I could, but time gets pinched and I doubt if my friend wants to be out all day, driving that far. So, I will reschedule Ogden for Tuesday. I do not think he will mind. I will be seeing the psychologist again. I think. We will see. I have received what he recommended for medication but I will not be taking that until and unless the rest of the regimen is also implemented. That is how this show works. On some things, it has to be pretty much all or nothing, but middling does not work and has been proven to not work.

When Sam wants attention, and I am not too grumpy, she will come up here and lay over one of my hands WHILE I am typing. Oh, I try to ignore her. But it is so funny to me that, eventually, I quit typing and give her some scrathie itchies and pets. She slays me this way! I wrote most of this, until right before this paragraph, with a Sam-o across my right hand. Both of us, I guess, are single minded or stubborn or patient or something. She won this time.

Have a great day. Have an orange julius. Oh, I think I am becoming addicted to those. A couple a week really is a taste treat. I am sure it is nutritionally good, even with a couple teaspoons of sugar, but that is not the point. Go out and have something tasty... It is worth it. Better yet, make it yourself! Not sure how I ever came to think to even make it at home, the orange julius. First time, only ever knew what they were long after I had one, and it has been a decade since I found out what they were. Do not love the world, eat it! Ciao... (no pun intended... he is lying)

Not as cranky today.

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I did not need a pry bar to get my neck turning this morning. It was also less sore. I stayed up a bit late last night so slept in a bit late. No worries, as I have said once in a while, just as a slip or change or desert, it is fine. A handful of aspirin this morning, and I am thinking I will be just fine. I need to get to eating a bit more, and adding salt, for the urinalysis tomorrow. I've been trying. Then again, I have been eating at restaurants a bit lately, and as I have it this should have made consuming a high salt diet easy.

The weather moved back in. I have not been out but it seems more chill. It sure looks gruff out there. I am not sure what I am going to get to today, but I would like some more of the kitchen knocked off and some straightening in the living room. Not a lot of work, unless I can manage getting on a roll. Then, like a bowling ball, I would knock chores over in herds.

I might try, finally, to get to cleaning my .22's. They all need it. I think my .45 is fine, but it could always use some spit and shine, minus the spit of course in this case. I really want to get out and unload a box or two .45s and a hundred or two .22s. If I can find the random orbit sander I want, I might even have my reloading station together by then and be able to bring my fresh cases home for some polish and refirb. How long does it take me to do something? How long did it take you to just lick through a bubble gum middle loly? So hush it. I am getting there. And you cheated on the loly. So, again, hush.

Well, on to waking up a bit. But first, from our sponsor. If you feel no one loves you, you are misunderstood, and nothing is going your way, look in the mirror. Your looks do not matter, your brains or heart are not the point, if these things are happening, the person in the mirror is playing the lead role in that. So, get off your butt and get to it. Make yourself useful, approachable, and just say hello. I might hide in a cave, and would regardless to a lesser degree. But more, I am stuck here more than not. If you do not have a reason, do not be in here with me. Heck, help me get out! Damn it all anyway. Even I find women... rather easy to meet. My problem is follow up and remembering, like a squirrel, where those nuts where. *evil grins* But I keep a-looking. Which is not bad all by itself. If I really do find one, the expression will be a fantastic one. Think... the expression on the dogs face, if it had humanish features, the first time it actually... catches a car after years of chasing. Ruh-rho... Hey, I am an honest man. Any man with a bone of truth in him knows that catching a woman is way out of our paygrade. It is a God inspired and developed trap. Not for or against us, but to ensure life. Yeah. Out of our paygrade to be certain. But there it is! *woof*

Doh!

Just some thoughts.

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Have you heard that stimulus money is going to anti-tobacco and anti-sugar advertising? I would bet it is going for other such advertisements, legal expenses, and other costs. Of course, some of that money is also going to subsidies FOR those industries, as the government continues to subsidize at least sugar production (which has raised the price of sugar, which has caused a switch to corn syrup, which has raised the cost of corn, which... well, you know). So, the government is subsidizing both sides. At what point do we pigeonhole the whole rotten organization, reset the laws, and pretty much start from scratch? It has to happen. We cannot afford to be for what we are against. Especially since we, collectively, should not be involved in most of that anyway.

Hang them? Shoot them? Meh, just force them to live off their own programs for a while. Sending them to Cuba would fix that. But... do not ever bring them home. That is my vote.

Costs.

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No, the new oil was not put in free. The price difference was $50, which I did have to pay. I was not looking for a free ride anyway, and there was no extra cost, so I will not complain. They did have it that I used full synthetic the last times so they bit whatever their loss was. After putting my vehicle in, I hiked to my see my friend. I really do move. I do not go as fast as someone on a bike but most people would be hard pressed to keep up with me, more so if any distance is involved. I simply do not like sitting still or barely moving. In my X, on foot, whatever, the operative notion is... go! go! go! Get there, get done, get back, sthu. Do it! And, I do.

I do have some sort of respiratory problem. My breathing is heavy, labored a bit. Probably flu leftovers or even active infection. It does not seem to slow me down or cause a shortness of breath, it just means breathing takes a bit more effort regardless. I am still achy, more so in the morning. I also seem to have small fevers occasionally. Nothing brutal, just a pain in the thorn as no one says but me.

I did shop around for the random orbit sander of choice. It was not to be found. I found the second and third, but really, I want the top choice. It is not the priciest, prettiest, or biggest name. It is not American made. (Though, after some consideration on American made I have come to the conclusion that the difference between a foreign owned company in the U.S., a U.S. company using union work (and often foreign (Chinese parts) anyway, and pure Chinese work... all equate to about the same thing, save that Chinese workers are cheaper. Quality differences favor foreign non-union U.S. manufacturing.) Ridgid is the brand. A 2.2 or 3 amp model, if it has variable speed on it, is perfect. Bosche is next on my list, but not really in the running. It has to do with various speeds of doing things. So, I skipped buying one for now. When we go to Ogden I will look at some tool stores there. After looking at those, my friend picked up some reloading kit, then on to lunch. An omelet, sausage, and iced tea (unsweetened altogether, thank you).

When I got home, the sun was shining and it was a fantastic day. I do not know that it reached 50 F, but I opened the front door and two of the larger windows. Oh, so nice to have fresh air in. Perhaps that will induce me to work on the dishes. I did clean the toilet today. Twice, actually. Protein is very difficult to get off even porcelain. I do not care what they say about bleach, it works and I use it. Though I do use a sort that has been blended or modified to work better in bathrooms. Further, I picked up my mail. And more, I may go back out and have a solo dinner out. An excuse to fill the gas tank.

I did order the Christmas presents for my friend, finally. And 3 pair of size 40 pants and 2 size 38. I still have not returned the others, but... yeah... I am on that. I also ordered a couple of portable seats, one with back support, for shooting. After an hour out there, a seat seems more of a necessity than a want. The legs are adjustable to from 16 to 23 inches, and independently so that slopes are not as much of a problem. They have large feet so they will not sink into mushy soil. They can handle 500 pounds, so I should be good. And the legs detach to be stored in the body of the seat, making them very portable, both are under 6 pounds. We will see. If they work, I am guessing there will be times were we will fight over the one with a back. Still, I wanted one without. Oh, and they swivel. We will see. Hey, I needed these things, if I should have sent the other package back first. Bah, I will, I will.

I best get going before it gets too late. McDonalds is not great, but it would help with some binding I have been having. And it is cheap. Whenever my stool becomes compacted, both the grease, size, and... something else from a McDonalds meal, seem to be the juice to makes it all loose. Faster than prunes, more sure than even exlax. In case you ever have that problem. And, no, I am not going to tinker with applicators or gloved hands. Not so long as McDonalds is still around.

Later, or more likely, good night.

Out!

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I finally contacted the service department at the dealership. They will fix the problem, no problems. Since I will be in town tomorrow I called to see if my friend wanted to kick the can around town. He had planned to pick up some bullets, so I suggested if he did not mind me staying at his place until the oil is changed I would offer a ride and we could have breakfast at one of the local places. Deal, he said. I am also going to do a spot review of random orbit sanders tonight. I have looked before but was broke and was going to be for a while. Looking just at Lowe's, their offerings only ran up to about $70, so... I want to see what I had bookmarked if I still have it and compare. Either Lowe's or Home Depot will have what I need, want, depending on brand and sometimes merely different price ranges for the same brands.

As well, I plan to start a high salt diet and take my 24 hour urinalysis this Sunday and take it to Ogden Monday. I asked if he would like to go along. As I suspected, he wants to buy more bullets, 9mm. He would also like to find Vit~ something, a foreign reloading powder. I think that stuff is pwnd by big name gunners and the rich though, so I doubt if either of us will ever see a bit of that. Still, it is fun to look. Who knows, a noob store stocker might just bungle in the jungle. I would walk out with an armful of the stuff if I found it. He would only grab one, of course (then buy some off me a bit at a time).

A chat with my mom went well tonight. It is good to call when life is cheery. The cat and kit keep me pretty cheery. Even when I get down right flustered, I have to chuckle. Oh, I might even rage, and shake the branches, and give chase. Much like the ape who was tricked into being Bugs Bunnies "father", they wear me out and then just run circles around me. *poke-poke* *UGH!* *ugh?* *poke* *zzzzz* That is just the way it goes.

Have a great night. Sleep well.

A bit more done.

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Another stack of dishes. Not much but maybe a feeder for more to come. Dinner was pretty lame but edible. Breaded chicken breast, baked in the oven. A glass of milk and mustard topped it off. Yeah, I know, but it was cheap, quick, easy enough, and works. I really hate dinners like that, but they do happen.

I keep think about the sigma designation, and alpha, and the rest. Bunk, mostly, is what I honestly think. I have played all those roles, and it depends more on where my moral codes are, or perhaps if I lack them at points in my life, how flush I am, how secure I feel and believe my position to be, and how interested I am in something. If you are truly discussing a sex player, jerks like that are everywhere. Many of them are nowhere near as successful as the alpha misnomer they receive. They are considered hoods. Sure, once in a while they hook up with a decent girl and either ruin her or break her heart. Most of the time players work on other players in a big game of sexual freedom silliness that has helped to end the West. They know how to wiggle but they were never taught why, while living in a world too cynical to bother to ask. Like feminists, they are dead on arrival. Genetic suicide is the same whether it is male or female based.

Of course, that is second fiddle to the reality that America is sinking, and being sunk internally and externally. The current administration, China, and Soros, to name some of the big players. But do not count out the littler fish, like Turner and Hollywood. Groups like PETA and ELF think they are part of the game though they are merely the rejects who could not make it into the big league. Punks are no more welcome in the elite left than they are in mainstream America. I have not heard of much ELF or ALF activity lately. Busy running and hiding? Out of money since dad and mom are out of work and cannot pay your bills? Something. Aw, too bad! Then again, half of them are probably just as busy becoming muslim to try, again, in their failed ways, to BE SOMEBODY.

I really want to try and figure out how to get out. Looking out the window is no fun, but it has been all I have been able to do, so far. I am not sure what I want to do when I escape my man-cave. Maybe just look at the women. Yeah, that is still an enjoyable past-time. I might even talk to a few of them. They have funny voices, you know. *twitter twitter tweet twitter* But I like it. Just like my kitties, I often do not understand a word out of their mouths, but it sounds like it might be good. *twitter* Hello to you too, I think. *tweet* Oh, sure. Whatever you say. Hah.

Good night. Sleep well. Say a prayer for someone in need, someone who is hungry, someone who is tired, someone who is joyous, someone who is gracious, and someone who needs it. God bless.

What the...?

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I have been sore every single morning for two weeks or more now. Aspirin and Tylenol are not getting it, not even heavy doses. I have tried one pillow and two. I have gone to bed both early and late, rising both a little early and late. None of it matters. Every morning I wake feeling like I was in an accident recently. The pain never leaves. It does lessen, through the day, but it is there all day long. My neck is cranky and getting fixed in position. I have no idea what this is. The boosters? All my other symptoms are gone, could this be a holdover? Ouch.

I finally called and made an appointment with my primary care. We will see then if any of this means anything. Probably not. If you ever saw that poster asking if it was always illegal to kill a woman, she IS that woman. Do not get me wrong. I think in certain instances, she is exactly what is needed. My guess she has sown the guts of dying men together, holding parts that most "clinical" surgeons simply would not believe could be out while the patient still lives. She has done and seen things most doctors and surgeons will never understand. Just a guess, something about her eyes, her stance. She is a ghost too. I respect some things about her. I just do not agree with her, and think on this one she is playing it overly safe. I think she had a bad one like this. She forgets that two men in similar situations are not the same men. A man with few moral connections and no powerful links to or belief in life is not like me. Is there such a thing as too much, no matter what? Yeah. But this is not it. My failsafe is to stop taking meds, even for a few days, to catch my breath if needed. Longer if it just is not working. And I will cut the orders if that is required. Not quite self medication, as I will discuss what and why with the doctor and let them have input (including ending a script). I am, mostly, honest with them. I quit once in a while just to clear the baffles anyway. No, doctors do not like that at all. Anyway, it is set up.

Sam is going out frequently now. Sassy will not even go out without being in my arms, then on my lap. Poor thing is terrified. I will have to slowly allow her more time out there. And be with her. On my lap if need be. I know she is a natural born mouser, not like some cats I have had. When she tastes that first mouse, she will do just fine outdoors. Sam can no longer "beat her up". Sassy, if not truly larger, is certainly fatter. Sam can still dominate, when she really wants to, but she has found that "hollering" and waving the paw works a ton better than trying to rush in and take 'teh kitteh' down. That does not fair so well for her. Too, way too, funny. No, I do not play favorites unless one has made it to my short list on a temp basis. Even then I only cheer for one or the other, verbally, and castigate the other, that and chuckle. No eyes have gone missing, so I am all good with their hen house posturing.

I need to get cleaned up, get the house in order (it is frozen in time to the point in which I cleaned it in the last shove), get outdoors, and do something. Like I said, just staying up and keeping a day schedule has been an absolute bear. I am doing that but nothing more. Things are slipping around me, I see it. But like the juggler with his hands more than full, another ball in the air does not seem wise. Who put the ice under me and wetted it too, I would like to know. And do not even look at me with mirth in your eye and another ball in your hand. Might take me a week or three to get to you, but it will hurt when I do. Just... sayin'.

Anyway, have a good day.

Wow, that one almost hurt.

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I have been doing... fairly well at getting up and going to bed. Sleep time is slipping, getting later and later. Mornings have occasionally slipped, but I seem to be holding the line to some degree. That has been the struggle for a bit now. Little is happening, life is hand to mouth as that battle rages. A battle of turtles, in a way. Nothing happens very fast, no one really gets hurt, but the intensity really is there. Waking early today felt like a victory. I made it to almost noon, and, wham! I saw it coming in my consciousness' rear-view mirror. Like a bicyclist on a highway with a semi bearing down on him, I peddled all my heart and worked the gears and angles for every ounce of speed. The end result... Sleep semi one, cyclist a drooling mess. I do not even remember the collision! Ah, but it was an interesting race to stay awake. Short and bitter-sweet. I do feel like I was run over, too.

I missed getting the trash out. Not vital, I have a big bin which holds many (if I am insistent and I can be) bags. I rarely dispose of two full bags of trash a week. And it is cool enough still that holding trash over a week is no odoriferous affair. It is not that I miss something I intend, it is that I did not do what I meant to do that is important. The action itself, often, is just considered less than important. In this way, most of us have some similarities. Some of you do much more, and have more shots at success (and failure). My chances are few, therefore more important to my sense of satisfaction. Life is difficult when you only have a few shots at self worth and miss even these. I have learned to live with my own disappointment. Though I am no happier with it than anyone else who has shared my life. The only difference is that I have to live with it, they can and have moved on.

Well, I should get to tinkering. Imagine, too tired to play games? Wow, yeah, that hurts. Still, it could (and does) bring a little grin to my face. Sort of like when a child tries to stay up to do something and the nap monster gets them mid-whatever. *chuckles* There is that.

Dupes, suckers, and stooges.

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Well, that is, if you only count the more naive and ignorant of the media lot. Those reporters who are sympathetic and more to the rioters in Egypt. Letting young lions out of their cages in a civilized land is, at best, unwise. It should be, in any sane nation or sane people, be considered atrocious. And there the media is, touting the benefits of revolt, knowing darn well the people behind the most focused aspect of the thing are dead set against freedom and have the power to shape most of any new government. What is probably forming is another Iran or former Iraq. Saddling children and grandchildren of the West with yet another type of debt. That at a time where the children of the West are being slaughtered, where for generations we have been living off their blood and that price is about to come due. I no longer worry about muslims actually taking over. There will be nothing to take over. They will be fighting Mexicans, we will be dead by the time they could actually stage something.

I know, feeling cheery and I thought I should share. Oh, and happy Valentines Day:)

Bed time keeps creeping out. I am going to have to do something to keep that from continuing. More sun is shining in, for longer, and at an improved latitude... or is that longitude? Anyway, I think that is part of it. The more sun, the longer I stay awake. Hibernation and the opposite seem to be in my blood. In any case, after going to bed a bit too late to comfortably being up this early, I consciously asked my body to rise early. I thought about it and tried to let my body implement the plan. It did so. At a little before 6:00 my eyes opened. I did lay there for a bit. I had a headache and was not sure I wanted to rise immediately. A bit of time unwinding from sleep and the headache dissipated. Had I simply popped up, like I too often do, I would be nursing the darn thing all day. Then again, as every red and green blooded fellow American knows, just lying there is just asking for it. No, your boss, wife, children, grandchildren, do NOT understand. Painkillers only help just so much, though too. I guess some days you just have to roll the dice no matter what you do. *shake* *rattle* *roll* Seven!

Well, enough of all the joy. Time to get busy doing something. I need to try and get the trash out today too. Bother, but it is needed. Have a great day! Trash, Valentines, despotic media, headaches, the end of Western Civ... what could go wrong? And remember, you read it first here.

Sleeping in.

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Up a bit too late last night, and I had a few beers. I was into trying to get something done and kept on failing. So, I kept trying. I never succeeded in my project, though I will keep trying. And, I do not mind. Once in a while, and on the weekend, I will not complain. I do not think it is all bad to sleep in once in a while if it is a bad thing to do regularly even on the weekends. It is a bad idea for me, anyway.

The weather is fantastic here. There is little snow left. After the thaw that saw to it that I did not need to shovel, blow the snow, or whatever else, all snow we have received has melted rather quickly. It would not, however, be a great time to be in the back country. I am sure they have tons of snow yet, very unstable snow. I have not yet seen an avalanche and would personally prefer not to do so. I will wait until the mountains are a summerized before venturing forth.

I am hoping, if we can get me on the right meds, that I will be out this summer. Even a hike a week or every other week would be good. I need to find places which are a bit off the beaten path, not full out demanding, offer places where I may just crash for a bit if needed, learn what is required in the way of food and latrine prep, check my gear, and just get out. I was trying too hard to figure too many places out last year and just bogged down. Just "go and do" does not get it in a place where a twisted ankle, a sudden drop, or even a steep roll could end up quickly becoming life threatening. There is too much attention to detail, which freezes the whole project up too. Balance. That seems to be the key.

Have a great day. Avoid wooden nickles, the people that offer them, and all that jazz.

Up and early again.

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My mornings had been sliding into the 8:00 and 9:00 range. While not bad, if I can keep it in the 6:00's, I feel safer somehow. Still, I will not set the alarm for earlier than eight solid hours of sleep. If I manage to wake before that, then I will rise if my legs will work. Well, they did and I did. I beat up the sun, so to speak, and the only way I functionally am able to do so. And, man am I tired. Ha! (No, not really, a take off the old "flew from..." joke, so hush it.) Well, actually, a bit tired. But that is what mornings are all about, right? God help you, please say "Yes".

I... left some clothes in the washer for... a while. No mildew visible. And, I did not smell anything too nasty, or even nasty at all, if I also did not... poke around too much (at all). So, more soap, another wash, and a lot of hope. Even as a bachelor, and a hard luck case in that, I usually do not mess things up (like laundry left too long, burned food, or rotting stuff all over the house). This is an uncomfortable wake up call. Oh, women would fuss in my home, to be sure. But other guys think I live like a homemaker or something. Well, if you did not add in dirty dish piles. I do have piles of clothes about, but they are clean and folded and reside withing my bedroom. How do women keep house? I still think, if marriage is not to be, I should have gone back to a cave. I could have chiseled out a place for a few conveniences, jacked in some electric, and hoped the thing did not cave in. Houses were created for women, that is my theory. Marriage was actually created to tame the beast that is both man and woman. Neither is good when left "outside the box", so to speak. Neither wants to be boxed in, either, obviously. We Westerners have murdered our culture letting our worse natures have the keys to the kingdom though. Oh well. Who needs civilization anyway, when you have socialism to kill you, technology to tinker with until it is time for "lights out", and only aging and soon to be dead people who look or think or act like you. Planet of the apes indeed. Something about lying in the bed you made...

It was great, I actually woke the kitten this morning. Though if she thinks food is involved, she is happy to oblige. A little milk was offered. She still has food, if it is not her favorite. I will not offer more or other until she finishes what she has. Sam is more like me in the mornings. Then again, she has about six mornings a day or more. Slow moving, curious about... something, maybe a bit hungry but not really. She was not ready for a romp outdoors either. She just looked at me, asking if I liked a cool (cold) morning breeze in my face at the door (I held open for her) or if I really thought she would deign to exit at this hour. Oh, she thought it was a gas and was chuckling (as I often do) deep down and on the inside, still too asleep to assign the mirth to any outward signs. Brat! I love that.

Well, on to tinkering and waking up. Oh, and a call in a couple hours about the oil change. Later.

Done, done, done, and done.

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Not without revision, but the plans moved forward and all was tended. My friend had an appointment which made it so that going in early would not work. So, I just arrived just on time to put the X in the shop, took a stroll, had a small bite to eat, then came back and waited. And, waited and waited and waited. Whatever was going on in the shop, I ended up waiting for several hours. Further, I noticed on the way home, they added the wrong oil. I use synthetic, I have used synthetic since I purchased the vehicle, had them put it in first thing before I even drove it off the lot, and this shop has been using synthetic in the X for the last two years. Why they "forgot" I cannot say. I will be calling them tomorrow.

After I finally got the X back on the road, I checked on my friend. Though much later than anticipated, there was still time to grab a sandwich. Tasty, as usual. I had shopping to do. Often he will go along for the ride, but his foot is hurting him so he asked to be let off. I will have to go in again soon. If no sooner, than I will stop by Monday when I get the oil changed out. I will call them tomorrow. I suspect Monday but who knows, they might ask me to bring it right in. I thought these things were all computerized, oil type and such, per customer or vehicle. Oh well.

It has been chilly all day. I was starting to think I was getting more ill. No, it turns out. I had merely forgotten to turn on the electric heat in the room. Yeah, really chilly, right down to the bone. I will probably sleep better for having had a cold day though.

Sassy is acting all crazy lately. I do not know if it is a girl thing or just a normal cat thing for her age. She was fixed before maturing, though I am not sure that means a whole lot. Hormones are one thing, instinct and... other things are a whole other part of it. It is interesting to watch. I feel helpless about it and mostly just try to avoid the more psychopathic aspects of it. Yeah, she gets into a tear and it is best to just stay out of the way. Or put her in a kitty headlock. Yeah, that too.

It is past bedtime. Good night. Sleep well. Dream well. See you in the morning, or, something.

A full day ahead of me.

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I have not felt like doing anything. Exhausted, always with a headache, other aches and pains, fever always either there or almost there, on top of the general malaise! Ouch! Still, I have a window of opportunity. And when that is available, I can and have dragged my near dying carcass over the threshold. Physical sickness is only an irritation, not an impediment. If I was not disabled, I would be like those sorry s.o.b.s who goes to work every day until retirement (or darn neared). Which... makes my disability that much more of a hated miserable thing. It is always why, in spite of things, I still try to play that stupid game for hours each day. It is not just filler, it is work. I have goals, projects, a couple of things which are not necessarily more than hopes since they are based on rare finds, and I can do it when I am able. Some days I really cannot play much. Confusion does not allow what it takes.

I did get out yesterday too. I took my friend to dinner at Golden Coral, one of his favorite places to eat. It is fine, if it is not my favorite. Prices keep going up, but really, how can quantity go down when it is all you can eat? If quality is decreasing I have not noticed. I rarely eat more than two plates. At 6'4" and my friend being 6'0" or 6'1", I bet when they see us they wonder how much we are going to stow out. I think my friend often will eat more than I do. You would not think it by looking at us. Too funny.

I scheduled an oil change for mid-afternoon. And, since I am going to be in town, I asked if my friend wanted to go for lunch. There is a place that makes excellent sandwiches. The place where you order the half meat sandwich or you actually do get half meat. Which is crazy. If it had been one worker one time who did that, I would just think they had a noob or even a disgruntled. But, no, every time and both of our sandwiches. Whatever, I will always gladly pay less for more. I will have them drive me to my friend's place during the oil change. I hate just sitting in a waiting room, interacting completely non-verbally with everyone coming and going if they grab my attention or what I am reading is so utterly typically main stream that it does not hold my attention well enough to try and ignore people.

After that is done, I will do a little shopping. Milk is low. I have hamburger but could use a bit more. Other beef cuts are needed as well. Maybe some pork too. What happened to chicken hindquarters? I can get thighs, I can get drumsticks, both usually in larger packages than I would like without the hassle of splitting out. I can no longer find hindquarters. I hate the changing market. As well, I do not mind having four or five of a type of item to choose from, but do we really need 50 types of liquid dish soap? Really? I am thinking in the Navy we said if you cannot dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your... I think they are baffling. No, I am sure they are. Then again, if I hate to say it but not really, I think it is true, shopping is women's work. Whether they like it or not, making a bunch of little decisions that are almost squat nothing in difference is something their animal side brain likes to do. Started with leaves, green not purple, and maybe even grubs, fat or thin? Men just killed something big, thinking big means no work for a while. The first time they killed a mammoth they must have about caused themselves a hernia until one of them decided to move camp TO the mammoth. hehe... Yeah, I can see that one. Whoever came up with that became chief, too.

I have a bit of waking up to do. Have a good day, avoid odd things on the ground, do not waste your breath on died-in-the-wool crazies, and do not throw old spuds, just peel, pare the bruises, boil, add one part butter per two parts potatoes, and enjoy. Later.

Up before the alarm.

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So many people around me live in false worlds. They are professionals, so one would think they should know better. The medical community is full of people who refuse to look at the truth of their political yearnings, for example. Actually, I suspect if they were otherwise disposed, politically, they would not be allowed through medical school without being burned by the system so as to scar them into a very harsh cynicism (which I have also seen, it seems either a burned out husk of a once conservative or a psychotic Peter Pan fantasy liberal is sitting in front of me in exam rooms). It does not stop with them. Have a "mature" discussion with a teacher, or even a blue collar worker who also happens to be in a union. Even if he does not like the union, he fears it and protects it in some odd way (just in case someone hears that he does not like it?). Where does this end? I cannot say, but it is every where.

I sometimes feel like I am speaking to a world of junkies. Afraid their dealer will hear if they diss their dealer, they all skirt the issues or even praise the dealer, the drug, or the effects. Watch the news. Listen in many churches. Talk to the elderly. At least the young are merely ignorant. It is everywhere. What makes me dangerous is not that I have firearms or that I can use them, it is that I am not vested in the system and may speak the truth. Of course, it is this which makes me insane... to the world. My problem, I have never been different, even when functional. Then again, I think that is what was going to "take me places" too. I seriously was being considered for college and OTS. I just figured out why, actually, I think. The young, and I was, do not consider these things.

I have to hope that enough people in leadership roles got there because they were independent and strongly so, and not because they were boot licking populists or yes men. Crown Princes? Well, when they have severed their ties to the kingship through selfish fetishes of a political or sinful nature, I suppose all they have left is bitter populism as a hope for thwarting the surety of their historic failure? Politicians who know they are neither correct nor gaining popularity will seek destructive means of obtaining more power and enacting their warped will. Movie stars, singers, and such... I would guess drugs and some false populism. All they see are camera flashes, and the camera men sometimes. Their world is as media whores and they tow the line, or simply do not see anything beyond that. But typical people? Is it truly submitting to their fears? Is it lying to escape their truth? I do not know. I know it is all Hell bound. God has grace, but...

It is not that God cannot love, it is that we cannot love, holding on to whatever sin we use as a filler. If we hold our sins, even when shown the difference, being in God's presence would destroy us as we are inextricably intertwined with sin and God's mere presence destroys sin, thus us. We choose, like an addict choosing to not be a part of a healthy family, to be alone with our addiction. God does not cast us out, He saves us from ultimate destruction. Why so many choose to be alone with their sin... This, this is what baffles. And insane political beliefs, trust in genocidal policy, agreeing with what one knows to be a lie, these are all choosing death over life and then trying to use logic to bolster the choice. Logic has failed at the start, there is no way it can then go on to succeed to prove what it has already shown is false, so madness is the only thing that shines through for those with eyes to see.

I am not sure what was running in the back of my mind, but this post is the result. I still feel like I psychologically stepped in a pile of something distasteful. Hopefully spitting it out by writing down the conclusions will make the day a bit smoother. Good day.

Not good.

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Fever is back, the world is closing in a bit. Headache, fever, aches and pains, that grungy feeling that sickness brings, all piling up. I do not have the feeling it will get worse, only that this might be a bit of a lasting thing. No 24 or 48 hour bug. I strongly suspect the booster shots, one or both. I cannot get it cool enough or warm enough, depending on the moment. Foolishness. Time to call the day off, grab a little gullet fixin's, and crawl under the sheets. Maybe since I am sick the kids will be nice and cuddle. No, probably not. They do that at their own times and for their own reasons. Hmm, they both have the sneezes too. They have been sneezing for about a week now. Sporadically, so I have not worried. Ah well, nothing like everyone in the family being a bit sick to keep things on a level playing field.

Still hoping to get a few things done tomorrow. I am not sure how much push I have in me, but if things just happen (as I think they should and do when it is right) I may not need to push. Good night ladies and gentlemen. Sleep well.

Ad monsters.

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I received a comment today, regarding smoke cessation. Some bit about how hard it is for people to quit and that there is a tool to help, with a link. Then a plea that the comment not be deleted because of the link. Well, yes and no. First, they tried to comment on a very old thread, second, the thread had nothing to do with smoking, chewing, or any such, and third... of course the link. Some of these little monsters are just too funny. Then again, they never make it to public viewing anyway, but that is not the point. I just love flicking those away. I am sure I might miss some, somehow. I doubt if the sponsor of blogs is ever on the side of bloggers. Bottom line, regardless of anything they say, is their interest.

Another rough day but things are smoothing out. I am hoping to get to town and have my oil changed and a checkup done tomorrow. I suppose I could do it myself. The thing is I do not really have the tools for the type of checkup needed to go along with the oil change. Further, the little details are extreme tripping points for me. Oil filter on too tight or too loose, oil plug not tightened just right, resetting the oil change button. No, I will pay and if necessary sue. Besides, I truly despise getting oil and grease under my fingernails. I really do not know how they talked me into become a machinist mate. Even as a kid I hated that. I do not remember those days so I am left to guess. I doubt if they could simply have ordered me to do it though.

We all here, the cats and myself, sense that spring is nearing. Maybe not this week, maybe not for a month, and there probably will be some serious winter between, but we know it is coming. Sassy should be ready to pounce, Sam is definitely ready for longer outings, and I am going to try and be out in the yard a bit more. Nothing fancy, just figuring out what to do with last year's leavings. It takes me a long time to figure things out. Once that happens, they might still be a little late but the tasks will then get done much better and more frequently. Figuring out how to properly dispose of yard litter, leaves branches and such, is my current problem. I suspect I could save bundles of branches, tied into rounds, and stored. Though that is a bit of a fire hazard. So a little consideration about that might be wise.

As I may have said, another rough day. A headache and muscle aches have shadowed my every step and action. Aspirin has only slightly lessened the pains. Slow and still a bit tired. But I think it is improving. A little work on dishes as well tomorrow. Yeah, I might be caught up by the end of the week. Later or maybe good night.

The booster shots? Still paying?

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Whatever! Whoever is beating on my cranium with the sludge hammer, would you please cease and desist? *OUCH* This is day two of waking up to a painful world, and a bit more painful than these days usually are. I have suffered through this nonsense up to this point. Today I decided a handful of aspirin with caffeine was the way to go and will double that down should the gremlins not get the idea. My neck is stiff and sore too. I felt like I slept well enough, and that it was not too tight of a sleep, so I am not sure what the problem is. Though, still up early, as per the alarm, and pleased about that. I do feel really tired still, but I want to push this. I want to stay on a regular joe schedule as long as I can.

I am not hungry for anything traditional. The headache is one of those. But I remembered the orange julius I had the other day. That was so tasty I decided to have another. A odd concoction to be sure. It seems to give me sustenance without irritating my need for tranquility, or peace and quiet on all fronts, or something. I am not quite nauseous, it is just something in that general neighborhood. Since they have probably started pasteurizing every darned thing, I doubt there is any danger. Even if they did not, the danger is quite small. Besides, I think people ought to start not only living with a bit of danger, but outright choosing some. It is fear of anything that might possibly hurt you, your dog, your big toe, that is driving you into the arms of a totalitarian government. That, however, you should fear. Just... saying. Then again, fear that too greatly at your own peril as well. Balanced indifference, qualified and quantified fear. Fear your Lord first and most. But know Him well enough to do so properly. Hmm, orange julius' go straight to the head, even without vodka? Oh well.

Hey, have a fine morning and day.

Paying for it.

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It took a bit longer than I had hoped to come down and get to bed yesterday, though nothing drastic. By 23:30, if memory serves, I was in bed. Sleep was not long at all in arriving. I actually think I slept so soundly that I did not roll as I should, causing the slight headache I woke with. The good news is that I woke well, mostly. I set the alarm for a reasonable time and woke to it. I was and am tired though. I just took a nap, and set the alarm to make sure that did not stretch too long. Zapped, fried, fizzled, I am paying for pushing yesterday. It is not my body paying me back for exercising, exactly, it is more like battery cells which have been run dry. Trying to work and recharge today makes doing anything strenuous tenuous.

The sun is out, and shining "big". It is good to see and feel. We did get a skift of new snow, but the sun has eaten that. First it became a water slick, now it has gone to better places (someone else's soon to be snowfield, ha). Now, I like the snow so it is all good to me. I even enjoy the temperatures around here. Yesterday was a wonderful day. I didn't need my jacket, really, and let the wind whip it around as I walked outside instead of using the tunnel. When, in idle chatter, I discussed how nice the weather was, the guy I was speaking with had no interest save hoping that it warms up. Warms up? It... well... it WAS warm. I truly must be from another planet. Or he was. Bah!

Not much will be done today. Concentration is something that becomes strained when I over exert or simply when my batteries are too low for whatever reason. Still, the chores are getting to a point where I should have my house back into some kind of shape in a few days of effort. Even eight hours, or even six, I could have the place very spiffy, should I nose in and just work. Which means it is not that bad, just needing a lick and a spit, as they say. No, I do not mean that would bring it back up to bachelor standards, I mean it would bring it up to my Mother's standards (within my capacity to do so).

I just woke from my nap, not much else is going on and I can think of nothing interesting (of course) right at the moment. So, off I go. Have a good evening.

Sanity, from a psycopathogen?

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Oh, psychopathogen is my nickname for psychiatrists, psychosteins for psychologists, by the way. Anywhile, the answer to the question of a title is, yes. That is the first conversation I have had with any medical facilitator in many a year where I thought they were not being passive-aggressive, peevish, elusive, just plain lying, or all those at once. Huh. Never would have thunk that one. I am glad I peeled myself off the psychic floor and did not quit because of the foolishness I have been dealing with elsewhere in the medical community.

After an extensive interview he even suggest my problem probably is medical, not psychiatric. Oh yes. I thanked him for it too. Of course, as soon as I thanked him, he backed off and covered his butt. No matter, I got the "probably medical" right the first time, and so did he if he was not so sure he should have said it. I think he also came up with the reason medicine will not offer Ritalin. The fear of mania. We did discuss this and I explained that both anti-depressants and extreme efforts on my part, probably lead to those episodes. Still, that would not satisfy medical. So, what he has proposed is adding a mood stabilizer. This is not to my taste, but if they will allow Ritalin with it, and then we go back to Lisinipril and the water pill I was on, I will bite that apple. I am not sure how this combination will work, it is different, but I would be willing to put my skin in the game with three out of four choices.

Now, the deal is not done. He is merely a consultant to my medical provider, which is the Ogden clinic. He can only recommend, advise. So, I will set up an appointment there and we will see how that goes. I am, sadly, quite dubious. Still, this day has offered some hope that there might be something that works in the pipeline. Of course, it does not really matter to a degree. In three or four years I will cease taking medicines period. I will only take this junk long enough to give me a chance to regain health and condition through normal means. If that does not work then I will die. I will not be on medicine the rest of my life. Of course, that is assuming I do not stroke out or have a fatal heart attach in the time between now and any possible agreement on a medication treatment.

The first sensible medical treatment I have seen in years, and from a psychopathogen. Imagine that will you? Bah. But... okay. Well, time to tinker and come down. I had to press it hard to get up, get ready, get out, and get back. I need to kick it down before bedtime or I will ruin my three days of pre-sun rises and shines... well, not shines so much, but... It has been good. Later or good night.

It is a rough one.

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I did get the trash out, and an old batch of beans I have been meaning to get out for... a while now. That was one of the holdups on getting another fresh batch of beans in the works. Which held up rice too. Which... spirals into nothing getting done. A few different chores in a few areas not being done in a timely manner and I fall out of touch. Some of it I probably could do, but not all of it. And, when it seems too much needing done, something just clicks "off". Anyway, one of those chores is done, and the trash taken out too. As well, the kitty litter was tended as an afterthought, though I have been keeping up on that fairly well.

By the way, as fast as I go through kitty litter and at the price of it, say $60 a month give or take (changing lightly 2 times a week and adding in extra to fill, with a complete change once, a week is all) an automatic litter box might be worth the money. At $250 or so, with expensive but rarely changed out litter, I think it would end up being not only chore saving but money saving. Then again, who really knows. I am going to begin investigating that again.

Yes, a tough one. I have had to push and push just to get the little done I have done and I still need to shower, groom, dress properly, and make it to SLC. It just is not an easy day. Am I expecting to much to expect life to just sort of happen? Yeah, the extras might need a little push. But should everything require extreme effort? This is not new, this has been the way of it for 20 plus years now. It is not age, it is not weight, it is not depression, it is a combination of a sense of the need to sleep that is nearly overwhelming and a bit of confusion at times. Staying up for more than 12 hours at a time, without extreme shoving, is a new thing to me. Only in the last 5 to 8 years has that even been possible without so much stress to it I would become suicidal. Now I can do so, and longer, but at the cost of any real activity. I almost have to do nothing to make it. Exercise can see me to sleeping days at a time. Am I really asking too much to either be left alone or to receive the one thing I have ever seen that helped? Really?

Well, anyway, thinking about that gets my gumption up. Now to use that to shower and get going. I should still be there early enough, this time, to grab a bite to eat before I have to be there but we will see. Oh, I forgot to do the 24 hour urinalysis yesterday. I may just have to do that tomorrow (cannot today for obvious reasons) and just pay my own way into SLC. Yeah, I know, but a half a tank of fuel is precious these days, especially when the tank holds 18 gallons and change. I am a bit more flush this month, so I can actually do it. Just understand, everything from energy to money, for me, is marginal. I have to watch every nickle, every action, and every word, give or take. Costs... I often feel that I know more about how the men made it back from the failed effort to land on the moon than most would dare to think they did. Where they had to switch this, turn off that, funnel this, just to limp back. They were never sure they could do it and the odds were very against them. Even with the greatest minds working on the problem, it was a minor miracle they pulled it off. It was no fun for them. I wonder how they would have liked doing that with their own bodies throughout a twenty year lifespan? Tight, that is all I am saying.

Well, off and too it. Have a good day. I will rough it, and today, even being rough, I actually think I will make it. I am getting the sweats just thinking about it so I best get too it before I fail, again. Bah! Double bah!

Mostly good.

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Three days of seeing my feet on the floor before seeing the sun on the horizon. Pleased, I say. Self satisfaction in such little things has to bore others to tears, but it is what I have. I have an appointment again today, at 15:00 or so. It should be an easy one to make if one I am not looking forward to being present at. Still, it is the way it goes. I had thought, perhaps, to get my vehicle in for an oil change. I just do not see that happening. Time and complexity and doubt make that improbable. Further, I am not sure that trying to fit too many things "out there" together in one day is wise yet. I need a carrier agent for such doings, such as my mother, my lady friend, someone who knows I have limits and will... advise, support, guide, or such. Either that or I need to be in fear or have some other adrenaline inducing situation to help. As is I blare my stereo in order to produce enough adrenaline to make it through trips.

A shower, brushing of teeth and hair, and a bit of tinkering leading up to my exit is all I can expect. Though I may be able to leave early enough for it to be a comfortable trip. So much is involved in so much of life, I really think people have forgotten how complex life is because they are simply busy living it. If they had to choose between clean body, clean clothes, eating, sleep, and a few other things, and could only pick one or two of those, how soon would the world they know break down. Those are my choices. It takes Herculean effort to have all of those dials on "go". Even then, eating might have to be addressed in a less than optimal manner, such as by eating fast food. The body must eat to function. Period. Calories, when it needs them, are calories. It does not care about balance, fat, salt, sugar, protein or such, just the bottom line.

Oh, I had best get the trash out today. This morning, now. So. Later. Have a good day though.

The little beasts are ruthless.

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And rather bright. The cat types that is. They have learned, through trial and error, that direct confrontation with pop-o, in order to wake him, ends it little thuds and kitty marks on the walls. Nothing personal, mind you. And, whiskers in the face, while receiving no dangerous reaction, will simply find me pulling the blankets up. The tickles, however, do make me smile even in my sleep. Remember now, Sam and Sassy do not really get along. Then again, they are female, and feline, so... getting along may be something totally different for them than for me. So, when all else has failed, they have through trial and error devised a way to wake pop-o. Since they know I am careful with them, in my rolling and such, and they know that I cannot sleep well when I get too warm, they now cuddle in on both sides of me, keeping me from rolling out or shifting the blankets or such. It is cute, it really is. I have my own biological alarm clocks. I just have to remember not to put food out later in the evening. Not smart, eh? Collusion too. Sweet little pests.

A bit of a fever this morning. It has mostly lifted. A bit of a headache too, but that went untreated and is just a ghost in the back of my mind. My arms are sore, but do not hurt to use. I have been eating well enough, and drinking milk. I sure miss it when I run out and cannot get out. Milk, more than any other thing I have, is a treat every time. At two gallons a week, whole and straight and for years, one would think I would be tired of the stuff. Not so. Even in my teens I could drink half of a gallon at a sitting, if allowed. The cats love it too. Sam less so. Sassy is like her pop-o, at least for now. She gets two tablespoons of it three to six times a day and would have it more if she had the wherewithal.

Well, back to tinkering. Not much will be done today, which is fine. Tomorrow I have another appointment in SLC. They are doing a lot of tests, though this one is psych intake. I am pretty sure I am okay in this regard, but I will let them look. It cannot hurt and it should satisfy them that I allowed this to take place. Of course, they believe the whole of the problem to be psychological in nature. And they think that because they have not found what is wrong. Psychology seems to be the garbage can for medicine. Cannot find the problem, why then it must be of the mind! Admitting incompetence, or at the very least huge limitations, would be a good first start for medicine. Instead, they get people branded as lunatics for life because they do not know what they are doing too often. Bah!

The sun is out. It would be a good day to get out. I simply do not have what it would take to get out. I am enjoying the warmth and light. Of course, my computer is in the front room where all the light pours in, trying to compute. Computer games are a bit difficult to view in such situations. And, yet, I am pleased for the extra sunshine. There is no warmth like what comes from the sun either. It warms the bones, gone hard from a long winter. The sun certainly cheers the mind and spirit. Even the felines are prancing a little bit more. All is good here.

Have a good day. Get out if you can. Do one little thing outside for those of us stuck inside, would you? A little walk, an extra bit of work out there, or even an unplanned visit to your post box. I will be there in spirit. Later.