A new computer?

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Maybe, maybe, I keep looking.  Yeah, my problem, as I said, is that every time I went component hunting I ended up with more in the bag than my wallet would allow.  And with sellers it seems they have a price they want to sell computers, they have components they want to push, and it is even more difficult to get past their "sales", options, or even sometimes not get liquid cooling.  Bleh.  Heck, really, I shouldn't.  And, most likely, I won't.  Honestly, I really can't.  As... if that has stopped me before.  In my small silly little way I have lived a much larger-than-life existence.  Oh, it is only larger when viewed through the optics of a pair of fools epic glasses(tm), though given the constraints it was at least a interesting life.  Not that... that should be the goal?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be the goal, you lose more than you gain.  Then again and too, I don't think it was ever the goal.  I just couldn't stand still.  I had to see what was over there, who she was, what the fuss was about.  A victim of my own... curiosity?

Never mind.  I just woke up and my mind is walking around doing in thought what I used to do in flesh.  The thing is I found a site that offered a computer build in the price range I think I could handle in the nearer future, or sooner if pressed.  So I went shopping.  NewEgg is my preferred store if I have heard another is good too.  So many... problems though, with a self-build.  Simply the build itself can be somewhere between annoying and hair-pulling sessions (which actually I like until/unless it gets expensive).  Buying all at once means warranties are easier to store together, along with a copy of the receipt.  Buying at one place limits some problems with dealing with multiple venders.  But some components are poison.  Once they are out of the store's stock they just hand out the manufacturer's phone number and wish you luck.  The thing about buying all at once also means that putting the monster together in short order, thus being able to test everything live and on fire, means the chances of the 30 day store warranty on what it does warrant is worth the e-paper it is written on.

So, $1500 was the target price.  Alright.  No double SSD start-up drives (for as much reliability as possible for the unreliable but zipper quick drives).  Check.  Actually, not even a double hard drive system, or even one 10k spin drive.  Check.  A middling cpu and video board, if that leaves room for a top end motherboard to upgrade when prices drop for the currently top end components being foregone.  Check but good enough, easily, for my apps.  I didn't compromise on the case if I didn't get my hearts desire either by half.  I added 16GB memory in 8x2 (if only ddr3 1600), with latency at 9 (good enough for gaming).  I cut and changed and added, and got the price to $1499...  Oh!  But shipping!  That can be murder.  I put that in, fearing a hundred or two, or more?!?  Nope, 3-day pushed that to $1515.32.  Gah!  But am I a man of my convictions?  Well, right now, I'm running like a little girl from her first kiss.  Love hurts...  At least I know it is possible, with a lot of compromise (if still 10 times the machine I have, and fully functional... well that last would be in my fumble bunny hands).  Hmm, no OS though.  Honestly thinking about going PC-BSD though... Gah... hardware... I aimed for PC-BSD but I would have to comb over tons of real (not just general) information on comparability.   I'm also thinking about having a duel or triple OS system, getting in on Linux has always been... a consideration.  And while I don't care for Windows, it offers... comparability the others simply don't, if the security difference is massive.  I would want to... cage any form of Windows I got, perhaps mostly not even allowing it internet access except in very controlled ways for very specific purposes.  The mind does wander in the toy store though doesn't it?

Cats have been fed, I am rested, it's cool enough for at least warm coffee which I am quaffing atm.  Sam has been "let" out.  She started gagging and I started my ogre routine.  She knows that means it's time to go.  She is usually waiting at the door even if I run past her, somehow.  I do pet her, at the door, to let her know I do love her, I just don't want to clean more barf off my carpet.  Even if she is snarfing somewhere I didn't see her, and behind me as I head to the back door, she ends up being there at the door ahead of me and waiting, whisping to the back door ahead of me like smoke.  She is good at... not being seen, heard, or felt.  And I am more than average at detection.  Love that girl for her ways!  Well, obviously, only... some of them.

Good morning, by the way.

Not asleep, not awake.

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I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like.  I simply can't sleep.  But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders.  I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire.  Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours.  My eyes feel like that.  On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy.  But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough.  Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge.  Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?

While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas.  I should be careful about commenting at this point too.  Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design.  Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them.  So many are so stuck and so afraid.  I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet.  Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh.  You will see, in time, that it is nothing.  You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating.  Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it.  And they call me gloomy!  Cheers.

It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts.  Oh, it isn't just online.  I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me.  Of course, no one says what is on their minds.  Which is worse.  I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction.  If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate.  If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate.  But I don't know so I can't do a thing.  Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one.  People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason.  We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that.  Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.

It has been partly cloudy.  It seems so much darker than that though, somehow.  Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower.  I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this.  I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in.  Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long.  Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.

On to... something else.  I don't know what.  I am not even able to think clearly about what to do.  It will just happen or it won't.  Good... day?  Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up. 

Way too tired.

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I have been staying up until 14:30 for the last few days.  I won't be today.  I thought about taking a nap earlier just never got to it.  I try to busy myself with little things.  Reading blogs, the shorter the articles the better, and really the less complicated the better, gaming, research... all little.  I won't be figuring out a new stratagem for Republicans, libertarians, or conservatives to be sure.  I post, for what it is worth.  I seem to be making everyone angry.  Well, that is my lot in life I suppose.  Anyway, I won't be making it to 14:30 today.  I don't know how I did it yesterday, if I know I pushed way beyond what I should have.

Do you remember Home Alone?  The movie?  I saw a kid recently out and about, who I suspect reads here (don't ask, kids... get into everything).  He had that look that the kid in the movie had when he was frightened after seeing me.  I suspect he knows something about who was in my house.  Fear, I'll tell you, and kids can't hide it.  If it was him he has nothing to worry about.  If he simply knew about who was doing it, I think he will be... talking to them.  There is something about putting the fear of God into a child that is both pleasing and... unpalatable... at the same time.  That is usually a job for parents, though I think his parents do a good job of that in an honest way.  It's the part of parenting no one really... signed up for.  Still, if it saves trouble in the future, I'm good with it.  Yeah, I had to work at not laughing when I saw the look though.  Kids are just too funny sometimes.

What is it about what I say, even just as a minor notion, or such, that really roils people?  Are people really so isolated that they never have heard a different idea?  Are they so political that they can't take a step back and look at their candidate?  You can say anything you want to me, with some modicum of respect, and I'll listen.  I might end up telling you it is simply foolish and I don't believe a word of it, but I'll give you your shot at defending, convincing.  If you just say it.  Most people really can't handle... different.  In person I have to be much more careful with words.  I don't know if my size is the issue, my solid way of speaking could be part of it, but even when I am gentle, respectful, or such, my words seem to be even "louder" than how I write.  Even when I am using low, even soft, tones.  I dunno.  I think the people are quite thin-skinned.  That's all I'm saying.  If that hurts your feelings, go talk to Hellen...

Oh, Hellen?  Ms. Wait deals with complaints for me.  Just... don't dicker, don't tarry, go straight to Hellen Wait.  Bah!

Good night. Hmm, time does fly. It is nearly 15:30! Weird, I thought it was... around 9:30, 10:00 maybe... Ah well. All good.

Okies, but why?

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If you have read here even once in a while, you have some grasp of at least my recent history.  You know my health issues, difficulties with doctors, keeping on meds, the rest.  Now, take a moment to glance over some of this story.  If what I am told about me is true, then why do I look and perform like the guys in this study?  That isn't my question to answer, save for myself.  If you think this page is just a story, then explain.  But... your answer is no more for me than mine is for you.  It certainly looks like I was ahead of that reaction curve of today by decades though.  It's easier to see in vast numbers is all.  The difference is they are... recognized, officially, publicly.  I am simply considered... infirm, even now that they know better.

I actually hate it when the truth slips out.  I usually have it buried quite deeply.  And I don't like it, as much because I don't know it fully as because I don't understand what of it I do know... when I can't forget.

After dinner arrived last night and I settled in, I ate like a hungry hound!  It was a very good meal which only added to my hunger.  I had to think about whether to go back to bed or not, but not for long, and not really.  I crashed so hard Thor couldn't replicate the thud by casting Mjölnir from Asgard to earth!  Hush about my use of pagan notions!  It IS Thursday after all.  Get it right when you cast a stone.  :p  Anyway.  I slept from 14:30 (how I stayed up that late I will never know) until supper arrived at, I think, 18:30.  My 17:00 alarm was still going off when I answered the door, so it had not waken me at all.  I was back in bed by... well... long enough to answer the door, accept the gift of food and offer thanks, prepare my place to dine, then scoff 'teh' dinner as if I deserved it.  It wasn't large but I have been eating very little, so I was filled to the brim and almost to bursting.  A feast.  Anyway, I doubt if that took an half hour.  Oh, there was the pondering about sleep or not, if my guess is that took less time than it does to type the period at the end of this sentence.

I don't know if you remember me writing it, but there was a time when I dated a much older woman. Part of the reason I could do that was, even though she was older... she was as a child to me. That makes the prospect of marrying a younger woman... fear inducing. I must seem ancient to such a woman. Even my older woman understood and accepted me as a form of... elder, senior. She did. It wasn't out of deference to me as a male, she didn't work that way. She simply recognized something in me and responded to that.

I slept well, soundly, and comfortably until about 3:30.  Waking to a nicely cool home, I got up and started... I dunno... wandering.  The girls were fed right away.  I... can't recall what happened next, though I think I just sat at the this computer and... disappeared.   I still haven't waken at 7:45.  Oh, sure, I blogged.  But... yeah... that just sort of wrote itself.  I'm not even sure it was well written.  Oh, but I also got a shower in and boy did I need that!  I may take nap though.  Tired, so very tired.  Too many days of too little sleep and odd amounts of sleep.  Trying to get back on days is proving brutal and seemingly pointless.  But, that's my job for now.

Later, good day, but not really good night even if I do go back to sleep it will merely be a nap. 

Oh...say can you see...

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I've always sort of liked that song.  First, when young, because it was a puzzle.  One I have never fully figured out how to work even as an adult though.  It is quite the song to sing, or, uhrm, try to sing.  Later I enjoyed that it was based on a historic piece of our real national history.

...by the dawns early light.

And, yes, actually, I think the song has more importance today than ever.  This nation has been assaulted by the enemy within.  Our demons, fever and guilt imposed dementia, self-hate, and such have been on display in these last election cycles.  America is sick and some part of it simply wants us to die, all of us, as a people, as a nation, altogether, even for some of us in the real sense of "die".  Some parts of it, us, are fighting back, and other parts don't really see a difference.

It hasn't just been about the part that is fighting simply winning through attrition.  That... can't work.  It would be another form of defeat of what might be called the American Way.  That part of the American way is what many know as the peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next.  No, what it has required is a battle of ideas and of people not backing down in the face of rabid attacks, even the use of supposed law officials for harm, like when Stacey was in hiding so his enemies didn't call a SWAT team in to wrongly batter down his door and falsely arrest him, perhaps shooting him in the chaos of the event.  It is taking people standing up and being proud to be straight, believe in American exceptionalism, showing what is good about being a home and business owner, showing that hard work does pay and is worth it, by women exposing the wonders of being homemakers, wives, and mothers, men showing that being a husband, father, bread-winner, and man is worth jumping through all the hoops.  All these things we take for granted, from tradition, to there truly being right and wrong, to obedience but not before morals and real principles, are under siege in ways we have never imagined as a rather good and humble people.

Let the rich do their thing, I suppose.  They always have.  Let the poor do their thing, they are much the same.  But let them be outliers, and bad examples, not the bar by which all else is measured.  Academia is lost, for the moment.  The police in many places have barricaded themselves in and militarized, like U.N. troops in a muslim nation.  They ignore the war crimes, the rapes, the child molesting, the murders, they just... stay alive.

No more.  I see Zero and ghouls as they are, and always have.  But more and more people are waking to the fact of what I have always seen.  Some of that, don't fool yourself, is a realization that he is losing.  Even losers don't particularly like to hitch their wagon to the suicide car, laden with explosives, just as cockroaches avoid the light.  Some of it is merely thinking his form of "moderate" is just slightly too far to the left.  Some of it is pure greed, from often leftist indoctrinated doctors seeing their practices become state properties and their work transformed from a medical/scientific challenge into bureaucratic placeholders, to limousine liberals and others wanting to hold onto their filthy lucre.  But I think more of it, the majority and perhaps vast majority, is from people realizing, slowly, that... becoming worldly is not quite what they want to do, yet, if ever.  Preserving American exceptionalism isn't just about America or Americans, either.  The loss of America "as we know it" would mean the last powerfully bright light secular powers with any potential for true good in the world as we know it would go out.  The remnants would fall in very short order.  The little hope that remains in Europe would be eaten, Israel would be utterly destroyed, and the small changes which offer some hope to the good peoples of the world would end in chaos, looting, rape, and murder.  The end of times or another dark age would be upon us.  Beyond this point there be dragons.

One last notion...

Don't tread on me.

A few little things this morning as I prepare to crash.

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Visiting a "conservative" blog the other day, I got into a tangle in their comments thread.  Something about how Romney was going to lower the ocean, transform America... or... close enough.  I just called out the veracity of the post and another commenter.  I simply suggested that I could not tell a new voter to go vote for Romney because I had no idea what Romney intends to do, at all.  I could tell him not to vote for Zero.  I could suggest he not vote for Johnson.  But I couldn't tell him specifically to vote for Romney.  Then I asked, simply, that the previous commenter post three conservative or libertarian things Romney has said he would do, though I should have asked him to clarify anything that Romney said he wouldn't do, too.  In any case, my comment got taken over and changed!  A bit unhappy about that I called the guy out on it.  It turns out it was one of the moderators, which means one of the two guys running the page.  Now, they didn't comment back or ban me or... they simply erased everything I wrote and put something weird in it's place, while it remained my posting name.  I thought I had been hacked.  The "moderator" wrote that he wasn't going to allow... negativism or summat.  Oh?  I just told him it was his domain, enjoy.  And left a few thoughts.  Hey, it's his page.  If he wants to be a whore, let him.  I doubt if he is even getting paid.  A slut!  Bah!  Man, I guess that is why I stay away from bigger box and Republican sites, if lib sites are even worse.

Confusion, learning control, dreams, the girl next door, door bells in time, and my cousin.

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In my spinning world of dreams and wakefulness, blogging and memory and living in the present, caught up in an avalanche where one is the other is the other with no time stamp and sometimes nothing to separate this from that, it used to be difficult to make sense of things.  The first tool in my bag was procrastination.  How I came to that tool I cannot say.  My guess is from my... one-time association with Zen, a lesser teaching of God's wisdom as I see things now, but still.  Something about, if all else fails... "just be".  If I am angry, depressed, interested, curious, hungry, or any of the seemingly endless things a mortal coil can be, this tool served me well in my condition.  Don't act, in other words, without taking some time to consider the action, the reason for the action, the good of the action.  Of course, time for me is quite different from the notion of time for you.  You have work, deadlines, a demanding partner, perhaps children, pets too, a garden maybe, and books and blogs to read and comment at.  Me?  I have... a mortal form of infinity.

While it certainly slows life down it also prevented many mistakes.  My surety, I had decided, was not enough.  I could not act just because I believed, wanted, felt, or even "knew".  And good thing.  Many things I knew, and even know now, prove to be wrong.  This is part of why I claim to be a know nothing.  No matter how much information I have, from experience, from reading, from any other source, the truth is I can't actually know.  Not about them, those, this, you, or even me.

It took between ten and fifteen years of illness before I could slow things down and sort things out, well, actually that isn't even true.  The time period is right, but I never did learn to slow things.  I simply learned to... trust what I was sensing and learned how to navigate in that tornado.  While my life seems to drop to less than a snails pace, my mind does not slow.  It is similar to driving a car fast at night, so fast that headlights become nearly useless.  Only I can't control the speed or increase the light, it simply is.  It is no wonder I became a plaything for psychologists.  I simply wanted to either learn to handle the speed as it was or to slow down, even adding brighter lights might have helped.  The major rift is that my body is doing what it does and my mind continued as if my body was still in alignment.  I have never figured out a way to correct that.  Further, I think my mind sped up, either because the body couldn't use the resources so my mind did, or to try to compensate much as a driver might step on the accelerator if starting to lose traction in certain situations.  Speed can correct for mistakes or equipment weaknesses.

Oh, but life has changed so much and yet so little.  Life is still a blur.  It is difficult to even explain this.  Think of some of your most convoluted dreams, with blurry images, fast sequences that you can only get a glimpse of what is happening, fear from just not being in any kind of control or even being able to be fully aware.  And yet I have learned to balance this.  I think I almost write well, despite the confusion.

Dinner arrived tonight.  I had set the alarm for 17:00 to freshen me.  Dinner didn't arrive until 19:30 though (a typical time albeit).  I heard the doorbell, jumped up, got set to answer the door properly, grabbed my cap, and...  No one there.  But I did see their minivan about a block and a half down the road.  Yeah, so there can be a time delay in waking. It still seems so weird though.  I could have sworn I got out of bed immediately after hearing the doorbell.  That adds to the "know nothing" approach, among many other things.  I did call to let them know that I was up... and hungry.  Glad I did, too.  Dinner was quite good and I have become Pavlovian with the dinner bell at that time of night!  *drool*  All good, I like to drool.  Ha!

Dreams.  Two nights ago I dreamed of a cousin, second cousin really.  She honestly believes she is equal to men despite so many facts, even in her own life.  I have discussed her before.  But in this dream I learned why, if the dream is to be believed of course.  Her father only had one son, the eldest I think, and a disappointment as fathers may think such things.  Young men, perhaps always?, are feminized... by their lack of testosterone to start out, by school, by their mother, in some cases by having too many sisters, and for many other reasons (hence no constitutional vote until men were 25).  So the father chose the strongest, most willful, daughter to fulfill his want of a strong child, son really.  He developed her, coached her, pushed her, prodded her, filled the family with his notions and egalitarian notions so as to further his wishes.  He talked her into wrestling, against boys.  Of course, that was a failure.  But having the money, other means, wilfulness, and influence, he got her onto steroids.  She became competitive.  He imbued her with his will and she became a manling.  Of course, it all failed ultimately and remains so today.

The real results?  While she wrestled she looked... quite butch.  But when she left that, and ended the drugs, she returned to being a quite attractive young lady.  She joined the service, but after just a few years she was disabled due to a shoulder injury, most likely from wrestling and steroids, not the service, though.  Still, the service pays her disability.  Then she met a strong man, like herself she thought.  My guess is she contested him as if she was still a wrestler.  He was strong, and unforgiving.  She cried foul, divorced, and is in some feminist limbo world now, not knowing how to be a woman, or what a woman is.  Yes.  And she confronted me.  I just told her that if she could not face, in full combat, a mostly dead old man, that she had no face to save, and could certainly not call herself even my equal no matter how superior she might be in her thoughts.  But that this was fine, for a woman.  That is not her place.  Although I saw her father seethe with rage.  He came forward to confront me.  I suggested to him that he was more like his daughter, which is why she failed.  He had best know his place too.  He is a black belt, some sash or other, in Karate.  I suggested that would only make him strong enough that I could not simply defeat him, but that by the time he realized he had sorely lost, he would be dead or mortally wounded.  He... backed down, knowing the truth of my words.

Last night I dreamed of a neighbor girl.  Oh, too young.  But she so... reminds me of my first real love.  A love I never took as a lover.  I shattered the thing  from my past rather than... do what most do.  We were too young.  She was too innocent.  I had things to know, learn, decide, do.  I spoke with this neighborly young woman and left her with some challenges.  Oh, she is the perfect wife material.  Unfortunately for her, the boys she should... be interested in are just that.  They, too, have things to do, decide, learn, know.  And more, the economy makes it so that they will have a very difficult time feeding their own faces, let alone that of a wife and child, children.  In another time, or even in some time to come, such a woman would or will... be the one.  It is frustrating to see prime material when you cannot, maybe shouldn't, or have reasons not to, simply reach out and grab it.  No, not taking of flesh.  In the presence of ripe fruit, as in the Garden of Eden, it is never an issue of force, only certainty.  When the fruit is ripe it separates from the tree by merely touching.  You know this, even today, if you have ever picked ripe fruit from a tree.

Such dreams, coated with real memories, fitting in with the blur that is life for me.  It... makes for a magical reality.  I do wonder, however, what others think of what I write here?  Do you see mere fantasy, aspects of that, insanity, or a reasonable form of reality.  I have no road signs, I have no breaks or brighter lights to use on my road.  I have no real means of testing my thoughts, and professional psychology is so broken it couldn't tell if IT'S thumb was up it's own ass, let alone if mine is.  And worse, even if it thought mine was, it wouldn't tell me.  It would just send my profile to the FBI!  So... what do you see hereabouts?

Rough!

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I had hoped to get out yesterday but ran into a wall of white noise.  Basically I stopped functioning if I was still awake.  So I was going to get out today but I was awakened way early by a home invader, if I didn't catch him.  Definitely now, the back door was unlocked when I went to let Sam out today.  I check those religiously before bed.  So, I am completely gassed and won't even make it to my dreadful 14:30 stay up time of yesterday.  I am dragging so hard now getting everything shut up and down is going to be weird.  Can't think.

Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and even days after that.  It is not like I am choosing to be lame.  Pain has mostly gone.  I haven't felt much at all of the headache for most of the last day or two.  I am extremely tired though.  Stretched thin, as was said, like too little butter over too much toast, give or take.  I'll roust around sooner rather than later though.  I have things to do.  But not today.

Any ideas on other meats for longer term storage?  Freeze dried and the other don't seem particularly tasty, seeming more like reconstituted cardboard (though somehow quite tasty in the beef stew and beef "stroganoff" they make that way).  I do need to find a way to store beef in particular for at least short to medium term.  Though it might simply be too expensive, even home-canned?  The freezer, of course, duh?  No, that can't be counted upon.  Jerky is even more expensive (and salt laden).  Hmm, just... trying to figure out a way to set enough beef for a meal or two a week for several months, for now.  But it has to be palatable, affordable, and if work is needed somewhat doable by a novice.  Oh, and could you suggest how to make a billion while you are at it?  Yeah, yack it up furballs.  I was just... asking...  And someone might have an idea.

Good day and good night.  At least I don't have to say "and good morning", technically, if barely.  Oh, I best set my alarm so that when dinner arrives I will be ready.

Someone was in my home.

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I have long suspected that someone, or more, has been getting into my home.  Oh, I haven't found too much gone.  The only thing I am pretty sure that is missing is a large roaster (expensive though, if it was damaged and I wanted to replace it anyway is beside the point).  I don't think any ammunition is gone, absolutely certain no guns are gone, but there are many things here, some of which are consumables so, difficult to track while being used.  My guess, as I have said, is neighbor kids, among a few other... notions.  How do I know?  Lights left on and sometimes Sassy is... fit to be tied when I come back from town.  I know her well enough to know when something is eating her.  If Sam was outside, I know it wasn't Sam.  And outside things don't get Sassy riled, while visitors (even when I am here) may.  My guess is some of the people that come in aren't nice to her, and she doesn't like other people anyway.  Now, the basement light I use from time to time.  So it being on when I was sure it was off is... debatable.  Memory being what it is, and perfect habits not really possible, that can be questioned.  But not tonight.  Whoever was here left a light on that I haven't used in months.  There is zero doubt at this point.  They probably woke me up, or the cats did fussing about it.

I am going to be speaking with the sheriff.  I will also let some local people know that I know, and see if that doesn't filter around to whoever, or whoever's parents, might be doing this.  I am also considering getting door bars for now.  The doors are locked, but as I said a key has gone missing.  New locks are just too costly right now and all but the seriously pricey ones are pretty easy to jimmy.  Windows, if they are shut, are the type that can't really be jimmied open, so entry through them would show an obvious break-in.  If that doesn't solve it mostly, I will have to work out something else.  At this point it isn't just about the idea or theft or safety, but of will, if those other things definitely come into play on their own.  But how to make my home secure when I am gone, especially since I suspect locals who can just look in the garage?  *grumbles*

So, I woke at 21:30, way too early.  I really suspect that I heard whoever.  Not good on too many fronts.  Now, I never consciously heard a thing.  I rise out of bed pretty quickly, but I can't be sure how long from beginning to wake to rising there is.  Perhaps I fuss while I am waking, especially with so little sleep and being tired from trying to push my days around.  I do know if I find someone and corner them, kid or adult, I won't take an ounce of guff and they will be waiting for the law, dead or alive, makes little difference to me.  It is totally up to them.  Don't even need a gun but I've got half a dozen.  So, if you are the one and reading this, and I catch you?  Do what you are told.  Don't think trying to kick me in the shins or biting me, or even shooting or stabbing me, will get you out and away.  Just so you know.

Hmm, back to regularly scheduled programming. 

I'm not all brute though! Mostly.

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No nap.

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I've been enjoying watching the vids I've used on this blog on full screen, but too, I considered napping at several times and it just wasn't going to happen.  Oh, but the videos have been fantastic in full, wide-screen, highest def, viewing.  Yum!

Sleep can be so screwy.

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Of course, the situations don't always help.  I went to bed, sort of, at 14:00.  But I knew dinner was coming in, so I didn't want to sleep too deeply.  I set my alarm for 17:00 which is the earliest I usually see it on Sunday.  Dinner arrived a bit later, but I had my hat at the ready to put on to cover the messy hair and was mostly dressed for company, so answering the bell was easy.  Delicious, by the way.  They called it a blueberry French toast casserole, which is pretty apt.  I might have called it a non-glueified blueberry bread pudding but I... think their name sounds... better.  Okay, let's stick with their name.  Oh, and it was delicious.  I then couldn't get right back to sleep, so a bit of tinkering to come back down.  Back in bed I only lasted until 23:30 or something.  Gah!

I have told my friend I would be in today.  On the way in, I am hoping to make it to Mass, then get my car taxes paid, then stop in and see him.  Shopping he says.  Holsters he suggests.  Fine, fine, we can do that.  I told him to be a little hungry.  If nothing else a burger and fries, which ain't all bad when you are starving... if you can really taste the salt after not eating anything for a while.  Ah, but it goes down like a dream anyway.  My body is like... "Salt?  What is this salt stuff and why am I not getting any?"  I just say, "Yeah, yeah.  Shut up or you won't get anymore.  You might have some control, but I have the rest, bastage."  Oh, it knows I am just teasing.  Besides, it knows where I sleep.  :p  Oh, and we will plan a time this week to go shooting at the range.

I will probably take a nap between now and takeoff time.  Perhaps trying to go down at 3:30 to 4:30 and waking at 5:30 or 7:30...  Well, I can try.  Otherwise it's going to be a little dry.  I am having a heck of a time staying up past 11:00.  I can make it to 14:00, maybe 15:00, but it is purely on fumes and involves a crash landing.  Getting this day shift thing going is always troubling though.

The girls sure are spoiled.  They beg and quite often they get... food... out... in... up... down.  Especially if they tag team me.  I have been trying to keep them from some notions, altogether, though.  Like...

It just ain't going to happen.  It's... bad enough, as AoSHQ pointed out.

Just... saying.

Oh, here is an oldie but a goody, for those of you who have an ear to hear, and eye to see, and a bit of common sense. H/T A Catholic View

And, finally, for those on the fence about this upcoming election...  In his own words.

Later.

Victory in Japan Day, well, the last one.

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Makes me want to smoke a cigar, to be honest.  While far to young to have even seen anything about even Vietnam or the Korean War, let alone WW II, I came to know about the latter and former very well indeed.  I never got to the point of reconstructing maps and troop layouts, memorizing uniforms, ribbons, or any of that, true.  I did become familiar with the general way the war was fought, and the European front as well of course, crucial battles, paths, little pockets of trouble, some of the political and internal military politics, some of the leaders and such.  And, reading enough, I almost sweated with the guys in the jungles, or ran to quarters with the sailors being attacked first conventionally then by suicide planes.  Lots of good boys became men, and many of those never came home.  They will always be sorely missed.

Oh, why is September 2nd the "last" VJ-Day?  Well, because the Japanese surrendered by cable on August 14th, the news hit the world August 15th, but the official surrender ceremony was held September 2, 1945.  Ffor those of you who consider one of the other days to be "the day".  And, yes, they are all validly considered VJ Day, if president Truman declared it to be today, the Japanese (and many parts of the world) consider it to be August 15th, with the emperor's radio message of surrender.  In any case, that is a bit more trivia for you.

It's difficult to even find photos of General MacArthur signing the treaty.  They ARE busy scrubbing history, aren't they.  Don't want people to know, remember, understand, think outside of their cubicle, classroom, "place".  Never mind.  I did find one.  Oh, he was just the fussy stuffy ol' guy who told the rest what to do, and to a degree how to do it, then expected them to pull his miracle out of their *bleep*, sort of.  But... he was the face and lead mind that got it done.  It's difficult to know how much to thank a general, or admiral, having been what I was.  But... there is plenty of room for respect, and he was good at his job.  If he was a gruff sob about it.  Then again, he sent a lot of men to their graves, and really, he had to do so.  Yeah, I guess I would be a bit gruff too.  Just being gruff myself today?  :p  Though too, what he did to Japan... still ruffles my feathers.  He forced women to get the vote and... socialized everything he could get his hands on, and destroyed the place, culture.  Maybe that WAS the point, not sure.  Or maybe he was a typical idealistic elite.  I will never know.

Our boys did a hell of a job.  From fighting, to thinking, to making, to surviving, to winning.  We won a war we didn't start.  The cost?  Ask what the cost of losing would have been.  The price was... non-negotiable.

Trying to turn it around.

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Fighting to get back on days can be difficult.  The body just won't always have it, or can collapse in the middle of it, leaving me in sleep limbo.  I have, for the most part, gotten back to spending longer periods awake with shorter times asleep.  Not just recently, that last.  I would guess since I moved out her for sure.  When I have a woman around, that actually helps me regulate a great deal better too.  If anything I usually stay up too long, I think.  I really haven't done a scientific study on it, and, yes, that would be necessary to be sure.  But I think I spend, generally, 12 to 21 hours up, then 6 to 12 hours down.  When I am doing better, as I am now mostly in spite of the headaches, I can reach a more general average of 14-20 hours up, 6-8 hours down.  Not scientifically verified, just... my sense of things.  That does make it difficult to square the circle of keeping days as a regular menu item.  It's like the tides or something.

I woke at midnight, or 2:00 or something this last time.  I am hoping to drag myself as far into the day as possible.  The one caveat about staying up is that when I try to change my waking cycle... it can backfire, I can get too sleepy to manage while treading on new day ground.  It can also make me sleep and wake in short, perhaps four hour, periods for a number of days until I let go and let things rebalance as they need.  I am hoping to do well enough in these next few days that I can make Mass Monday.  I simply can't guarantee it though.  Well, it is fun to try and change my life.  All I can do is little and slow but it means the world to me to be my own master?  Even for a little while on a little thing.  Something.

How odd.  I probably still could take my cousins and friend but I can't control my sleep?  Whatever.  Well, it was the same with sleep even then, come to think of it though.  Cosmic joke thing in any case.  Oh, yeah, real funny there.  And, actually... it is! 

The girls have been fed three times but are still hungry and it is just past 9:00.  Brats!  But I sure love them.  They keep me from falling too far into nowhere.  Even if I can't feed my face I can at least feed someone's face.  I feed both their faces, as I like to tell them.  Yeah, they don't get any of my jokes, just push me along to get them chow.  All good.  Sam is out for the morning, sunning, chasing birds and mice, lounging for the local tom's fall calendar cat line-up, or whatever she does.  Sassy is in, going a bit ape for her morning exercise.  She still trills when she speaks to me, something I do enjoy... more emotive of a meow somehow.  Or exotic?  Yep, I like my little beasties and they like their (pwned) ogre.

Yeah, I didn't make it to town.  I just couldn't hump it up and out.  I've got my eye on that though, I want some food!  Food is being delivered tonight but I want something around for other times, and for those days they don't come.  I will travel later at night, when I go, if I hope to be in before 23:00 so I can make it to my favored store.  Walmart is fine for cat food, non-vitals, and such.  But for good meats I prefer a real grocery store, one in particular.  And the prices aren't that much different, if at least to me, the quality is very different.

Well, I think I'll game for a while.  That can help me push through the day a bit more blithely.  Good day, but not yet good night.

Hate!?!

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Absolutely.  And, not at all.  I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things.  And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way.  I do hate.  The sin.  Not the sinner.  What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly?  Those cases are, at best, difficult.  For whatever reason I see sin so plainly.  I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss.  Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying.  I just can't do it.  There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.

My last lady friend kept digging on this.  She just couldn't understand.  She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin.  She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her.  Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience.  I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways?  She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin.  And she definitely believes rape is a sin.  But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass.  Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.

Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth?  Perhaps I was simply created to see.  It is a bit of a curse.  To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch.  I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do.  I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts.  It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it.  The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way.  That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now.  And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished.  Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment.  That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do.  It... isn't their area.  But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual.  And my guess is that they do, if possible.  Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such?  Pray, most likely, for honest priests.

Anyway, yeah.  Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.

Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory.  For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait.  I have thought about it.  I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is".  And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything.  Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs.  But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition.  While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will.  This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction...  I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either.  I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function.  All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function.  It will not really increase my ability to pump blood.  Such liars.  Reminds me of my mom!  Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better.  Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week.  And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example.  :p  Thanks, mom.  Hehe

'Teh king!'

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About a decade ago, pretty much in the same heart shape condition I am in now, I had a lot of contact with some of my cousins.  When men interact there is always... a little tension.  Essentially, men have to settle things.  However, being that... I am a giant... and full blood warrior... none of them wanted to test those waters.  But... it was getting... tense.  So, being magnanimous as I am, wise, kind, and just, *evil grins*, I suggested that they team up, along with another friend, and we go to town in a wrestling match.  Three healthy young males against a 35 year old (now we know weak-hearted man) in all out, do what it takes, wrestling.  No real rules, save no punching.  If family jewels came into play, I just said what comes around goes around, which... pretty much took them out of the debate.  I pwned them as if they were little girls.

The one I really had to watch for, actually, and knew it, was my littlest cousin.  Small, truly diminutive.  At maybe 5'2", he was razorblade fast and devious as a viper.  I kid you not.  He had evil intent too, it's in the eyes.  He was the one who would later attack me from behind for not liking something he said and bruising my ribs by tripping me into a counter.  I blogged about it when it happened.  The others?  Meh.  The first thing I did was put a hand clasp on the fast one as they approached.  I didn't let him see it coming, and yet I am faster than him anyway.  But in a group arena, my attention might otherwise have been distracted long enough for him to crawl up and put me in a choke hold, and I think that was his plan.  At that time, the others could have... eliminated my ability to get him off and defend from them.  It was pretty intense, no real rules, and they were... ready to put me down.  They had had enough of my dominance.

Locked on, I was able to deal with the other two pretty quickly, getting one to surrender almost immediately, taking about five minutes.  With him out, I decided to deal with the fast one.  Without his speed and agility in play, he was cake.  The final one just would not give.  I finally got him to at least concede that he could never win.  For me to have gotten him to actually concede defeat would have... been too destructive.  It took a good half hour to win, but... yeah.  Bruises, scrapes, scratches, sore, and tired, sure. None of us was unscathed.  We hit it hard, and I fell a few times with 400 to 500 pounds of angry little men on top of me.  Funny thing, to be honest, I am in better shape now in many ways than I was then.  Yeah, for a dead guy, I'm doing alright.

You should have seen how trashed the three rooms we wrestled through were. We THOUGHT we had cleared them enough before hand.  Nope!  Epic, ba-by. 

Ah, but the Lord knows I had more fun with that then I have in a long time.  Plus, no heavy bleeding, no serious injuries, and 'teh boyz' knew, once and for all, without any doubt, who was 'teh king'.  It never crossed their minds again.  As well, I gave them some much needed respect for having put up and stood against who they considered a tyrant, even in the face of absolute defeat, maybe more for that.  We had a better relationship after that.  All good.  I miss the lads. 

Picking on boys you say? Not so fast. All of us were street fighters, adult fully, of some mean reputation, one of them was nearly my size, all of us were (for them little wise) blooded heavily. No, these weren't cherry cousins who had lived a privileged life, or "sport fighters", or mere athletes.  And it WAS serious.

Hmm, days coming around?

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I made it to a bit after 11:00.  It's been a smooth ride.  It rained last night for the first time that I am aware of it having rained in a very long time.  That was good in a lot of ways.  It is approaching bedtime, swiftly.  The swelling in my ankles has dissipated on it's own, my headache seems to be gone, sleep should be grand.

I need to get my days shifted to try to get to Church.  A few days in the pew on weekdays, when the crowds aren't deafening to my nearly hermit ears, blinding and too enervating for my other senses, should make a proper showing a little easier.  But I have to be firmly daybound for a bit.  Masses during the week are at 11:00 or noon, or such...  I'll be checking that as I get closer.  And I NEED confession.  Which... makes the Eucharist... right(er).  I have no serious sins, and Mass does deal with venial sins, even my collection.  :p  Still, I like to... give those out as I believe I should.  God already knows and my priest, after some number of confessions probably has me pegged, but that isn't the issue.  It is about facing sin.  It ain't easy but it is wonderful.  I'm getting there.

I was feeling some pains.  At first it sort of concerned me.  Then I thought, how long has it been since you have eaten, dork?  Ah, oh, since Wednesday?  Yep, since then.  Ah, well, then, you should hurt!  Duh.  So, I need to get into town and get some stock of meats.  I think a pan of hamburger, beans, cheese, and maybe even some veggies and tortillas would be good.  Keep it as simple as possible.  The only reason I am considering romaine lettuce is because I have an odd hankering for it.  Tortillas are great, better than bread for this because you can just fix a "plate" of the good, and eat the "plate" too!  Can't really taste the lettuce, so it might be a bio-hunger.  Or my lady friend praying to the gaia for me to eat healthy, and God intercepting the prayer knowingly and lovingly, and agreeing?  Dunno.  Maybe tonight, and a burger and fries for being a good boy by getting to the store in the first place so I don't have to shop and cook on the same night?  Yeah, maybe. 

Shut up! 

Good morning and good night.

The Answer.

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I have spent all of my conscious and some significant part of my unconscious life seeking one thing.  Every face I have seen, every tree, town, structure, stream, field, view of the sky at any given time, patterns in from or by anything from frost to human social behavior, every texture I have felt, every taste I have sensed, every smell, sound, and extrasensory perception has gone into a bag.  I have tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle in that bag into a coherent understanding of life.  There was math, but it is limited exclusively from everything and all, choosing to define more what it can't do than what else there is or everything altogether.  Then there was science, digital in particular.  What a lark.  Science doesn't even honestly understand what engineers simply DO, let alone believe there is anything beyond what the limits of the eye can see!  Just as math failed to allow the humble bumblebee to fly until quite recently.  Engineering seemed the way, and I would have liked the work, but... it wasn't an answer or provider of answers, merely a more interesting way to have spent my time on this glob of seemingly solid matter.

The Answer!  Perhaps it can be found in other people, women?  Do they know and just not tell due to their diminutive nature in various ways, the terribleness of the truth?  Is it a part of them, only found through carnal knowledge?  What is it, where is it, how to find it.  The search also took me to faith, religion.  Is it in the bible, is it in the hymnal, is it all around.  Where, pray tell, is The Answer!  Like a squirrel I sought The Answer.  Round and round, up and down, over here, over there, under, around, and through.  Just... where is it?

Ah, but really, the Answer is quite simple.  Oh?  Well, yeah.  It is the Question that will get you.  So, what IS the Question?  You will have to ask yourself.  Just... you will know if you are asking the right Question or not, you have The Answer.  Believe me.  You might have rejected it, but you... do... know.  Time in meditation won't get you there, time dealing with the broken, rotted, dark part of your heart as an immortal is the only way to tunnel through to the light.  It's a long haul, it isn't for the timid, but I'll send you packing with a shovel that might help...  You are loved even in your darkness by the only One who can love you fully.  The only way up is down.  Get digging.  There is light at the end of that tunnel and it isn't an oncoming train.

Sure, there is that...

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Yes, new tires.  Of course, taxes.  I know, plane tickets to get my mother out here.  Yeah, yeah, and shut up already, I heard you the first time.  Still, my thoughts wander to computers.  This tired nearly as dead as me machine I am using is getting quite... grating.  Every time I turn it on I have to dance and sing to make it work... an ugly proposition, let me tell you.  And it won't do many of the simple things even this simple old machine SHOULD do.  It's ganked, been hacked, and... I would love to share time and talk over it's problems, just... not type one damn more word through it.  Still, money is what it is.  But I can't help but look.

I have looked at components.  If I chose, I could cobble a passable machine together.  It would last three years for internet gunk and about a year for mediocre gaming and cost at least $1k.  If I tried to build a more lasting machine, say three years of gaming and five years for general, now... that would cost about $2.7k (uhrm, or more).  But I would have to put it together, keep track of warranty information, figure out what isn't included with what I buy and try to track down the cables, parts, and bits on my own.  Or, I could buy a better machine than I could hobble together, with (the same) room for an upgraded chipset (as the $2.7 diy'er) and memory (if even 16, possibly 8, is more memory than will ever be needed by this chip line and the next one or two as for gaming), and have it pro-wired, pro-soundproofed, and shipped in a week with a three year warranty for just over $2.3k.  I'm thinking... sweat shop?  Hey, who knew a degree in history would be worth less for getting a job than one's interest in gaming, but... there you go.  *laughs*  Even if it barely pays China's minimum wage.  Never... mind...

Yes, but at $2.3k... I'm seriously sweating bullets.  Oh, and games cost $50 per, plus.  Could catch up on some of the older games though too.  Then again, computer gaming is... pretty much run through Steam and other online gate keepers.  Personal home gaming is nearly dead too.  They want us all to join epic battles against each other and crazy stupid things.  Hey, I'm NOT in the military anymore, I don't go for hurry and wait.  And I do remember saying, when I got out of the service, that the first line I wanted to get in was the line to get out of lines.  As it turns out I hopped the fence and can't even FIND a line to stand in.  Can't stand in lines anyway, so...  So many games are simply... getting in line!  Ugh.  However, there are probably some games out there, if one looks very carefully before buying (ignore the professional reviewers seller whores, look for reviews from players, specifically players who list games you like as games they prefer, or thereabouts).  And, it would be nice to have a machine I can more surely and seemingly securely communicate and write through.  Ugh...  But $2.3 is just...  Yeah...  Eye-candy, for now.

Just... letting you know what makes an old dog drool.  Oh, and while I have cleaned up my act, there are still these.  But... let's not go there too far.  I have ENOUGH trouble with celibacy!  C..osmi...c joke...  I'm saying...  Black dragon t-shirt girl, and for some reason the bottom one, have my... undivided attention.  My eyes are distracted by the dragon girls face and bombs, so I can get HOURS of entertainment just on her.  She has a beautiful smile, I think? Is she smiling? I'll... check again.  No, just... looking for... data? patterns?  Summit.  I'm... purely chaste in... woah am I lying.  Ugh.  Oh, and thank you Jawa. I'll... deal with my celibacy, you just... keep... helping?  Not sure "helping" is quite what it seems, but some suffering is good for the soul... just a little??? please?  :)
Later.

Ah, some of the notions have returned...

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While looking over Avenged Sevenfold's material to see what else the kids have been up to I found a couple of vids that seem to have struck some nerves.  Like them?  Well, yeah, to a degree.  Not as much as that first vid I showed but not bad.  They aren't quite as heavy as it seemed.  But they have some talent, they do work their songs to mean something.  They are writers, not just players.  Nice.

Loverly to see some things, even if...

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Brutal.  I am just hedging back and forth in that pain.  I think a fistfull of aspirin is necessary right off as I wake tonight.  Pain can be good, at a minimum, for a while.  It tenses everything up, good for the autonomic reflexes, and some other stuff.  When it goes too long though, it... becomes quite an annoyance.  I took a shower first thing after waking tonight.  It's only been a few days but I needed a shower as if it has been a week.  I think pain stresses the body into overdrive, which would explain the benefits it procures.  Pain can be like a workout.

Reading the news I saw how Harvard is putting it's foot down (haw-verd).  Way too funny.  Every college, save a junior college I attended and only for that class that I can be sure of, cheating was commonplace.  Instructors "helped" pet students (athletes), people copied homework, helped each other on tests, the rest.  Those of us who would not cheat were at a distinct disadvantage, and in some classes *cough physics cough* that disadvantage was monstrous.  The professor, knowing how rigged it was, merely suggested to us non-cheaters that we study more.  He was lying.  I took my test to a physics grad student who thought I was fibbing.  Oh, he got it...  He finished the test with a 90% correct... after two hours.  It was a one hour test.  And he was a theory student so this stuff shouldn't have... been difficult for him.  This was the basic physics course (calculus based).  It was that way in every class at the University of Iowa to some degree or other.  Oh, but they are going to fix it by... picking out some students who weren't included in the academic pick cheat list?  What a gas.  I suppose it is some sort of face saving move to encourage more giving from alumni...  the only people who might be fooled (self-deluded) by their silly action.  What would it take to eliminate cheating?  Expulsion, from any school level from k-grad.  A contract clause allowing even tenured professors to be fired on the spot if caught helping, selling grades, or such.  Not Going To Happen.  So, if you go to school?  If you want that degree?  Learn who cheats, how, and what it takes to be party to it.  Or prepare to work your tail off, and if you are politically incorrect even that won't help you.  That... is that.

Here is a story that I love to hate.  See, this woman is driving, talking on her cellphone (which I am to take is illegal), gets pulled over, gives out a raft of merde, then gets body slammed not once but twice.  The worst of cops versus the worst of civilians.  In some ways loverly, in some ways all ugly, but my sort of thing.  If I were a hog, that would be the mud I would choose to... pacify my angst... or something.  Having been rearended by a phone-talking driver, I really don't care to a degree.  I see some justice in there.  But the cops really were heavily out of line... IF the story is true.  That is the price of living in a city where no one knows the cops and the cops know no one?  Cities, while the pinnacle of human achievement, show why human achievement is... at best questionable.  All good, all bad, all the time.  Bleh.

Well, on to goofing.

Gah? Bah!

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If it isn't one thing it IS another.  Lately things have simply been piling on.

The headache issue remains, if mostly in the background.  I have weened myself off aspirin, that was some serious dosing.  But the headaches still remain a threat.  Low and slow is the method to the ends.  My sleep has become a mess on top of it.  I don't think it was because of the headaches, or me pushing for days, it seems to be something else, perhaps the weather.  I'm working on it, but for the moment I am in freefall regarding when I sleep and when I am awake.  Disarray.  Oh, and my feet are swelling again.  I am simply trying to urinate more often but... that just isn't enough.  I'll have to figure out medicines.  If I can stay awake, if I am not in too much pain.  Gah!

On top of that my blogger bar disappeared.  I just kept thinking it would come back.  Without it I can't (or didn't think I could) sign in to post, if I can now comment.  Argh!  They are definitely having troubles making the internet killswitch work, or at least having troubles testing it, or something.  After a bit I found a work around.  Not a solution, only, while I was checking for solutions I found a place where I could sign into my account, and realized I could port to my blog from there.  Yes, I figured that out all by myself in all of about three seconds.  Still...  I could still be waiting.  It looks to be becoming a more common problem.  The suggestion is to update the template.  Sure, mine is old.  Like... almost first gen.  But... if it ain't broke...  Or... even if it is.  I think they break the old to try and make us use the new.  I just don't want to have to set everything up.  I'm barely staying out of diapers, if adult version.  I really... They don't do a good job with "new and improved".  That saying could go right in with "Hi.  We are from the government, we are here to help you".  *chucks in the circular file*

Ah well.  I have gotten a few very minor tasks completed.  And my "perfect game" is coming along... relatively as planned.  I have avoided the add-on portions that introduce huge buggy and laggy spikes into the game.  I may try those in the final bit, but... not until then.  One of the adds is good, three are buggy and laggy, one of the adds brings bugs and lag into the whole rest of the game.  Not worth the weapons and "experience". 

The electricity went out twice last night.  The first time was for a few moments.  The last was for several hours.  Sitting here at a dead computer in a pitch dark home, I realized I had taken the flashlight (the one I knew the location of off hand) back to the laundry room the other night.  So, without even a flicker of a glimmer, no moon and heavy drapes to boot, I made my way to the laundry room through this room, the living room, the kitchen, into the back area, past the steps down, and finally to the flashlight.  Actually the most trouble I had was finding the switch on the flashlight when I finally found it!  Hehe  Sometimes I am such a dork, just... a magical one in a way.  Half dead and more, in pain, not sleeping or eating well, but I can still find my way through my... busy... home in the pitch dark without really a thought.  Then I almost can't turn the damn thing on?  Yeah, cosmic humor all right. 

I had several ideas I wanted to write out, but in the blur of not sleeping I have temporarily or not lost them.  I have one, but it is too much work while I am too tired.  I thought with the lights being out and computer and game off I might be able to sink into slumber.  Nope.  When I can't sleep, doesn't matter what else, I simply won't sleep.  I just think just as if I was playing a game, only regarding real life.  Life is huge, you know.  Bigger than any game, bigger than science and much more real, way beyond Hollywood to capture or even mildly portray (if they were ever to give that a real go anyway).  And yet, in one moment, the lives of millions of people can be changed for good or ill, right into finality.  While... some will never understand moments because they are so busy trying to fulfill a very long life.  I have finally decided.  I am not slowly dying... I am slowly living.  Never... mind.

Good day, and unfortunately and again, good night.

I went to bed early, but...

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A phone call.  Want dinner?  I thought to myself, do I want dinner?  Just waking the mind has to... reverberate a question for the words to make sense or something.  Then it was... Do I!  Sure!  So, a couple of large breakfast burritos were over quite shortly.  I am pretty sure there was a homemade salsa chutney to top it as well.  I was too busy scarfing to... take the time to look.  Oh, yeah, hungry.  Four or five days of calorie-pinching has me in a feast or fight mode.  While it did wake me after only a few hours rest, I couldn't get right back to sleep.  Who wants to sleep on a full stomach anyway?

I goofed for about four hours, sparred with D.C. a bit.  Oh, and D.C., don't get all gnarly.  I'm just ringing the bell, checking the baffles, making sure of some things.  Even if you happened to end up liberal, I wouldn't actually hate you or anything.  NO.  I am not saying you are, just... a what if.  And, yeah, I buy your answers.  The vitriol just sort of gets to me, in spite of my own, somehow.  And on the same topic.  Reading Non Sequitur back to April 1st helps.  It's done, but not over I suppose.

Now, back to bed.  The hope is to get up and get out tomorrow, the day after, or when I can.  Good night... and it is night.  Nice...

The hour IS late...

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While I did make it to the afternoon I am pretty much done.  I think I can coast another hour or two in my attempt to nail days again.  But I cannot make it to town.  Aim high, understanding that you may miss more often?  :p  Still, one of these days will see me back in to town to get my friend up and out.  I might even be able to hit several times for several weeks before being clobbered by the next biomonster my system needs to combat.  I am clean.  My clothes are clean.  A few more dishes are clean.  Cat food, milk, and tobacco are back on the menu.  I even have soda, for now.

The days are cooling.  The nights much more so.  I still run the ac in the day, if I am reconsidering that.  I have felt winter, several time, now.  No, not a cold draft or a shiver.  And, remember, I like winter.  No, just a sense.  And I don't think that is a good thing if it is right.  If I am feeling winter this far away it would mean a long, hard, or both, winter.  Ugh.  Still, those of us who want four seasons, need really, sometimes just have to deal with what is delivered.  I would much rather have a brutal winter than no winter, I hated Florida and South Carolina (as I saw things) for that.  In Charleston, at least while I was there and if memory serves, people put on winter coats when it hit... high 40's or 50's.  Something crazy like that.  And they drove in heavy rain as badly as many city-dwellers drive in the snow, neophytes!  I'll take what comes, I'm just a bit... nervous about this winter, that feeling.  Too soon, but there it was, twice, maybe three times.

Oh, one other thing I bought were treats for the girls.  Not food though.  Playtoys that can be filled with catnip, plus enough catnip to keep them loaded for a while.  I have never had a cat that responded to catnip toys before, so I am enjoying this immensely.  And they certainly love the toys this way.  Sassy looks up at me, at first, as if to ask if this is really okay.  When I assure her that it is (mostly) safe and all good fun for her, then she will play.  Sam doesn't even wait.  She is almost ripping the toy up midflight to her.  That's what she has been talking about, she seems to say when looking at me with her glossed over eyes.  I am so anti-pot, but for the girls I just don't think it is that kind of issue.  Cwazy wabbits!

Alright, good night... sooner rather than later anyway. 

Late was the hour...

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Later or early, made little difference to me.  I took my shower, had a fresh towel to dry with, had clean clothes to don, and so into town I went.  I chose which place to stop, only two choices really available but they are on the opposite sides of town.  I took the shortest path into town, which is usually the longest way time-wise due to heavy traffic, but not at 3:30.  All of it was thought out in half a second as I got back into the X after having pulled her out of the garage then shut the garage door.  Blink.  Done.  And the trip went as planned.  I ended up buying a bit more than I had anticipated.  Extra cat food, while I was at it.  The dry lasts forever but the cans are used up in a heartbeat, as my life goes.  I saw Kleenex on sale, and prefer that brand.  Six boxes for less than half of what the other brands charge, oddly, and more in each box.  Along with what I have in stores and in use, that should last me the winter.  And more soda, this time most of it went down to storage.  I should keep some on hand down there, rotating it every few months.  I would love to do a fresh rotation of that every time but it just isn't in me.  I would like to get a supply for several months alone, but with coffee to supplement I would have enough caffeine for four to six months just as is.  And, what I went to town for?  I found a whole roll of my favored tobacco.  A rare thing.  So, I did pick the right store, no need to store hop.  Then again, I am going to try to stay awake long enough to go back into town later today.  I am going to see if my friend is available, and wants to go shooting, shopping, or just out for a meal.  No promises, it is just hoped that I can push through today.

It is wonderful to be dressed.  And a shower two days in a row has been splendiferous.  I still have that beastly headache back in there, and so I won't be doing anything too strenuous.  Shooting seems difficult, but the ear cuffs cut that way down.  I don't even shoot .22 shorts without them, if I would compare the sound of .22 shorts to a pellet gun.  I have finally trained my friend NOT to shoot before making sure I have earphones on.  It rattles my nerves.  Oh, sure, if called too I could, and would, shoot my pistol, shotgun, or whatever without ear protection, even in close quarters like a home, but I would suffer for it.  I don't choose to suffer.  Hmm, I have even gotten him to wear them, most of the time.  While he can no longer hear the part that is painful, I have asked if he really wants to lose the rest of his hearing?  I think... that got his attention.  Well, and maybe being an example.  Oh, he is contrarian and a bit of a rebel, just like the rest of us.  But... when you don't tell him, but more explain why, and show that their are real consequences...  He can come around... iffin he is of a mind to do so.  Heh...  I'm almost sure he thinks the same thing about me from time to time.  Bah!

I have been lazy about caffeine.  Soda truly is easier, but it isn't quite as good.  Then again, it is cold to start with.  This has been a mean summer.  Coffee sort of loses out because by the time it cools I may have forgotten about it.  There are ways to make or buy ice cubes, but those are the product of at least one more process in a system of failed processes.  In the fall, winter, and spring, coffee is splendid, now that I am back to it and have a system worked out for it mostly.  But... summer?

Some people remind me a whole lot of my eldest brother.  [Uhrm, when I say brother, remember, that could be foster, step, adopted, half (on birth mother's or father's side), or... even a few other things.  I don't even bother to explain which is which, just... brother for now.]  He was a typical hard core "liberal".  Went to college, married a woman (how liberals end up married I am not sure, perhaps it was social imprinting left to them, somewhat beyond their control).  They had several children.  Unfortunately his wife died in her 30's, and I dearly loved her (loved her just for her, innocently).  He married again and went on with life.  He worked in social services, and went on to be the head of that in one county (men usually rise quickly despite all the feminism).  In any case, he finally decided he was no longer liberal.  Now, he maintained his atheism throughout.  I tried to help him understand that he was merely, now, a disgruntled liberal.  You can't really be conservative unless you accept how things really were, in the beginning.  That is what conservative means.  It doesn't really mean back to the 1950's, back to the 20's, back to some fictionally more "conservative" time in American, or even world, history.  The world hasn't been conservative since Adam and Eve were given the boot.  That is what a conservative seeks, and knows he will not find here.  It is a wish to go back to the future.  Yes, yes, silly indeed.  But any learned Christian knows we cannot have heaven on this earth, they know we will not know perfection in this life, and we know this place at least in part because of us is an imperfect, deeply flawed, a sometimes dark and deceitful place.  No, he is just a liberal who wasn't able to pacify his intellect with his heart, he is not a conservative.  Conserving money, a fiscal conservative you ask?  If that is all he is, then he is just as easily a crony capitalist as an outright socialist.  Socialists, in practice, are actually quite often exactly like that.  They only promise otherwise to sway the foolish who have been incorrectly allowed to vote for that very reason.

Never mind.  Besides, being fiscally conservative or liberal means little, if you look at it in a religious light.  The love of money is the root of all evil.  So, whether you want to protect it for this group or give it to that group matters little, if it is because of a love of money, for yourself or others, it comes down to why you are what you are.  And while I am a fiscal conservative, it isn't on the principle of money, giving or saving, but on property, the ill effects giving money away has yielded, and other topics of a very Christian nature.  As well, one of the most important aspects of Christianity... free will.  Men can not be forced to tithe in this time.  They tithe of their own volition.  Just as they may not be forced to believe.  Charity is fine, just not at the end of a barrel.  That is what redistribution is, forced reallocation of other people's money.

Blather, blab, blah, and so on...  Yeah, I get tired of my own stuff too.  It just... came up while I was thinking about something or other last night.  I know D.C., to a lesser extent mind you, sort of brings up notions of my brother.  I don't know if he was that liberal and changed, or if he has always been a 'third path' guy, or what.  But I know he dabbles in the liberal pool rather deeply.  He says he is just... doing it for this or that reason, but I sense some of his heart is there.  Mother?  Siblings?  Wife?  Is someone he holds dear deep in that pool?  Just... thinking is all.  Please, take no offense D.C.  Just late night ramblings, ponderings.

Good day.  Wish me luck on getting back to town?  Hopefully not good night this time!  Later.

I was sure...

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A couple of funnies for the night.  Someone suggested that underage smoking of marijuana stunts intellectual achievement, even the capacity for it.  No guff!  Have you ever spoken to a teenaged regular smoker of the stuff?  You can almost spot them.  Sometimes they even begin to sport a serious set of facial features allowing you to know them much more easily.  This next one... Well, it is like I have mentioned here and elsewhere.  When a woman is beginning to nag, grump, become just plain mean, or a few other things, it means... well, she needs attention.  And, yes, this helps.  It isn't the complete answer, but it is a large part of it.  A guy still has to keep up his end of things, help her with her things from time to time, and run the ship solo for and at random intervals.  But, sex helps keep everything else in place, especially female psychosis.  Another problem with plasticized false romance?  Yes.  Even thought I was doing things the wrong way, I never could plasticize.  So... at least I sort of made some number of women happy, for a while?  Something.  

I was positive I could be out by 22:00.  Then 23:00.  Now?  I'll... I am pretty sure I can make it out tonight, I just don't know when.  It's not that life is brutal today, I just can't get going.  I did run the whites through a little more drying.  Everything that needed to be hung or folded, save my underwear, has been tended.  I simply can't seem to move much beyond that.  Cigarettes, yuck!  But, for now, it is enough.  I am hoping to get in early enough to hit McDonalds for a burger.  They aren't great, but after half a week of near fasting, anything would be good.  Why McDonalds?  I love their fries!  I am trying to get out while it is dark, cool.  Though that may mean I can't get more than a can or two of my preferred tobacco.  Sometimes they simply run out.  Though, sometimes, I can get a whole carton (actually five cans).  Those last a month, give or take.  Pain and stress can have a carton used in three weeks if ongoing.  Sometimes though a carton can last almost two months.  Beats smoking, in every way.  When I have had to smoke, I end up smoking up to six packs a day.  Summit summit obsessive compulsive on some things.  Yeck.

I didn't get the trash out yesterday, which means it didn't make it to the curb and recycling didn't go.  No problem.  I think I only had one bag of trash, and I have plenty of room in the recycling bin.  I may, if I can get to it, take the trash and recycling to the bins tonight, changing out the cat litter while I do so.  I think I have enough of the traditional cat litter for one more go, then I change over to one of the newer types.  I really need to start tending the litter each morning, right after feeding, though.  If the new stuff works it will in part be because I do my part.

Later.

A new day.

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I woke fairly pain free.  There was some notion of pain back there but milder than it has been for some number of days.  A dose of aspirin just... to make sure.  A call.  It seems dinner was late and I think they hoped not to have to deliver, but I did ask them to.  I was just waking up and I am hoping for a run to town tonight, so food... might really help.  An email telling me that the Saturday event went well, with plenty of hands on deck.  All good.

I found a pack of cigarettes that allows me some tobacco hit from time to time.  While it is my house, and actually for that very reason, I won't smoke inside.  The smell lasts for weeks, even months.  While I was outside puffing, Sam decided to join me.  Yuck by the way, that instant massive hit of nicotine is... too much!  I don't know how smokers do it.  If there is a link to heart attacks and such, my guess is it has more to do with that instant huge hit.  Anyway, Sam kept checking my hands for treats.  Ah, I remembered.  When my mom is here, Sam is always out with her.  My guess is my mom is Sam's treat vending machine, same with Sassy.  I got a little peeved, then I realized... she is probably a candy machine for the children of my brother.  *chuckles*  And it doesn't stop there.  She probably spoils any small to medium sized children she can, and some adults too!  It's just... how she is.  She is called grandma by more children than you can imagine or than I can count, literally.  And, actually, I don't begrudge her that.

Of course, this lead to the notion of the fine art of seduction.  Oh?  Well, yeah.  No matter how fancy or complicated we might try to create the notion, it always comes down to a very few things.  Giving and getting.  My mother gives to my cats to get attention.  My cats take what is given in exchange for proximity.  It often ends up that there is more to it, the proximity allows the cats to be petted, which is good for them and us.  We change the cats by our notions, and lead them to a more human understanding through when, how, and if we choose to treat.

And there are many things that can and do seduce us.  Often our education, then job, lull us in.  Our loves and lovers, potential and realized, certainly draw us in.  Our hungers and thirsts, both right and wrong, can pull us strongly.  Which pulls us the most depends more on our needs and wants, or perceived needs and wants, than anything else at any particular moment, within our ability to accept.  We are so easily purchased, we sell short, we know the end.  With death as our future, and the time being completely unknown, plus the notion that even if we live we might not be able to earn, it is difficult to bet by holding out.  Best to sell while the animal is still viable? 

I doubt if much of this goes consciously into the equation.  That is why tradition, standards, and other things are so very important.  Without those we have no real idea.  When those have been set aside, or we are told all traditions are equal so we should just pick, then we are fodder for the control of fools who will lead us into our own destruction.  You don't need children, they say?  Oh?  Genetic suicide is wise?  Really?  Who will tend us, or at least take a measure of our needs and wants, when we are old?  Why, everybody will, they say.  Oh, I see.  Stick with tradition.  I have never known such a thing.  It was never involved in my equations.  Then again, I look around me and see... people coming from good homes have absolutely abandoned traditions.  I actually cling to a Euro-based traditionalism more strongly than most who were gifted it.

All that from a yucky cigarette, a begging cat, and a few days of pain.  Hmm, I don't think I'll make that trade again though, given the choice.  :p

Another smoke, another shower, then into town.  I hope.  Soon...  Later.

Hey, not bad.

I still had to dose a time or two, and am about to dose again.  But I almost feel as if something is getting better.  I did three loads of laundry.  One was quite small, just three or four shirts, two pair of jeans, and a pair of slacks.  The other loads were large, typical really.  Underwear doesn't have to be folded, if I much prefer that.  But for now, at least I know I have clean unders, a few shirts to add to what I already still had, and fresh pants to wear, several clean towels for the bathroom and kitchen, and a few other items that just... add to life.

I even did a partial load of dishes.  Some of them needed more of a soak for this reason or that, so I put them to it.  I wasn't sure I would get a shower in though.  Time was passing by, my function juice was being gulped by little and big things here and there.  But, no, in the last inning... outta here!  Showers feel so good when you have been robbed of them for a while.  I begin feeling a little Golem-esque.  I don't quite consider raw and riggling a menu item descriptor, yet, I do sense that whole cave recluse thing going on.  Mine!

I was actually hoping everything would come together quickly enough that I could make it to town this morning, or earlier this morning really.  I am out of tobacco and some other things.  Again, it shows how ill I am when I can't get to town for a literal addiction, doesn't it?  Caffeine?  Meh.  Nicotine?  OMG where is it!  Still, I can't get in.  Maybe tonight, with this prep work done.

Another hour to dry off, then to bed I hope.  Good morning and good night.

Same same.

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Yeah, it has been a rough half of a week.  It's like I am not getting enough oxygen.  Which really might be the simple case.  Even with medicines, sometimes things aren't going to be right.  Perhaps my liver and spleen demanded oxygen for survival so my body decided my brain could go without for a bit.  Only, I didn't get the memo.  Well, okay, I got the memo in the form of a sledgehammer hit to the head every morning and throughout the days.  These things are going to happen from time to time.  I am honestly surprised my body hasn't cannibalized itself, shrunk to an easier form to work with, or such.  I suppose, when the end approaches, if my body can keep some balance, I will know because I will fade to bones and skin.  On the upside, if my body is keeping balance, I am far from fading. 

More aspirin.  And I will certainly be on the horn tomorrow.  I can't keep this up.  I will figure out a way, get a ride, and if I were in better shape might even have considered hitchhiking.  As is, if I set up an appointment, I might head up the day before and stay over to make sure I will be there without having the stress of driving while struggling with too much pain.  I think there are places to stay within a few blocks of the clinic.  Further if they send me to the hospital, but at the hospital the hotels have drivers to take you to the hospital.  A further expense, but... At some point gold has very little luster.

One thing or another, I heard someone say recently.  Why, yes it is.  I am glad someone else noticed!  I am not even really complaining, it is my lot.  Sometimes the thing is beyond simple help, sometimes I try to solve it myself, sometimes I just have to wait it out.  I won't even say it is worse now than ever.  It's... all about the same.  The only difference now is I don't have people telling me I should just keep a stiff upper lip and get right in and get a job to fix my ills.  Like what they said for the first twenty years.  Doctors, friends, family, they all had the same script.  Shame the gimp, that'll snap him out of it.  Yeah, okay, some bitter taste there.  And, fairly I do believe.  Bleh.

Another handful of aspirin, a shower if I can pull that off, and I really need to do some laundry.  Everything is so very wrinkled.  Maybe just three or four shirts and two pairs of pants at a time.  Something I know I can handle hanging up.  Then underwear and then socks, wool socks have to be done separately.  A few light loads per day.  Ugh but I have gone soft!

Enjoy your day.  I'm going to do my absolute best to enjoy mine.  I just won't give in, out, or up.  I won't.  Now... where are the girls!  I ought to see if they are still ticklish and independent minded.  *grins*

In spite of the grinding start, the runtime isn't too bad.

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Every four to six hours, roughly when I feed the girls, I dose.  It does seem to keep most of it at bay for the moment.  I had been trying to stick to eating very small bits of this or that but my body, last time I tried that, pretty much just shoved me aside, shoveled it in like it knew what it was doing, then looked at me funny when I went to grab another little snack bit to add to it for my own gratification.  Stupid body.  So far, though, so good, with that. 

These times make me more nervous about stroke.  A massive heart attack, while not pretty or painless, is quite often quite lethal.  A stroke though?  Yeah, you could die of it too.  Though I think you would die of thirst first.  And you would half know it.  No, stroke bugs me.  That is part of the reason for dosing with aspirin too.  They say aspirin can... mitigate the affects of a stroke if taken right away.  At the doses I am needing to take to allay much of the pain I would already be dosed.  Hmm, doesn't it also help with a heart attack?  Though I think you are supposed to put it under the tongue or some such in that situation?  Something.  I just... hear things.  My dad (foster dad, and his was from arterial blockages unlike mine, so... not genetic or family or such) had a really bad heart so I heard a great deal about stuff then, and sort of had my... antennae up when new things came out about the topic.  His heart eventually gave out and killed him.  He lived for several weeks after, beyond the doctor's understanding.  I know he was waiting for me, but I was not allowed to see him.

I finally got what is to be the perfect run up and going in my game.  What I have found though, is even with foreknowledge of most things in the game (some things are random events so cannot be planned as they are more likely not to be experienced in three whole playings than to be found), is that... it still doesn't matter to some small degree.  In otherwords, if you optimize one area, thing, field, experience, it often comes at the cost of some other area, thing, field, experience, or even several other things are affected.  There is too much to truly plan for an honest optimization, though you can do a great deal more toward your various goals with the experience garnered from playing through a time or three before.

I am using... cheats.  Not literally cheats, bugs in the game that allow... early advancement.  Just pretend I had parents that could and did arrange things a bit, or... serious natural talent?  Something.  Still, the bugs I exploit don't honestly make the game easier, just easier to set up the way I want to play.  Actually the big one makes the game more difficult as it seems enemies advance and get more powerful relative to both the player and his allies.  So that when random events or even static "pops" occur, I have to hustle to make sure my peeps don't eat dirt.  Still, I enjoy doing it.  In part to order things all at once, ie leveling choices.  But I also like, a bit, "sticking it to the man" (the game makers).  So much in games is scripted, a series of jumping through hoops.  Sometimes it is nice to just get the damned treat NOW!  hehe

Well, back to goofing.  Later, maybe.