Pleasantly annoying? No, but... close.

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After a few hearings I have... decided I do really like this song from the other day.  Not for... my part, mind you.  I see something of the feminine in it.  I can't make heads or tails of the lyrics, mostly.  I get a few words.  Worlds of sound, perhaps?  So little else gets through, in either direct understanding or... intention.  I can't make heads or tails of it.  But I can sense the feminine in it, the type of womanliness that I like, a lot.  Some of the worldly wonder, perhaps, as a child on Christmas morning or lost in the Santa Clause, plum pudding, and elf dreams albeit with a bit of the darkness of lists and all that goes with the list perhaps.  No, even at full volume, I... just can't track in there.  But I like, that, a bit, sometimes a lot, as in this case.

I don't pretend to understand women, when they bother trying to be cohesive.  When they become unbottled emotion I become completely lost.  There are no roadmaps for there, there are no angels for geometry, no math can cover that area of space time, it is only real through the living.  And, as a man, all I can do is watch, and at times, marvel.  As a flower, one which smells wonderful.  I don't understand.  The purely fleshly, mechanical, maybe a bit.  But why these things act on me as they do?  A smile?  Why?  A fine sense of things which didn't exist a moment before?  An ease?

I just can't hear her words, can't follow.  I can only feel when hearing.  And... it feels good somehow.  The other one by the group is more visually interesting to me.  But for sound?  Actually, I feel like she is singing about... me, or the potential of a me, or another man, a right man.  Or my or our ways.  Only... couching it in metaphor.  Either way, that... isn't why I like it, not even a part of it, just a thought I just had.

Something might be in the works.

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I won't say life has been grand.  I will merely say that being enough adrift to not feel combined with a general sense of well being, life hasn't felt bad.  Frustrating, but as long as I don't tread on the realities of the situation too heavily, it's a minor thing.  It does seem like life will be changing, for good or ill, and shortly.  Probably a bit of both as I will most likely get to reloading my medicines today, at partial doses, then increasing weekly or every other week, or month.  Ugh but this stuff can be brutal to restart.  Only a few weeks off though, so it might not be as bad to begin again this time.

I had hoped to energize enough to do some things before taking the risk of potentially pile driving capacity for some unknown length of time.  I see, clearly, that I will not find myself to function without restarting medication, so... the choice was made, the plan was created, and implementation will occur when I can reach across the void of dissociation into the realities of flesh and push and pull the levers that make the plan come to life.  I honestly do as well as I may.  I have to try various things, and it takes a great deal of time, sometimes, to know, then decide, then implement.  Considering I really should be dead, possibly just from dropping medication, I... think others should just understand, a bit.  Glacially slow but still quite alive.  Not bad.

Coffee should be ready.  Glad it wasn't ready while reading.  I can think of three instances, off hand, where coffee and reading could have ended in nasal testing.  I truly hate exhaling coffee, or anything, that way.  Especially when I catch it half way, or some of it, and it drains down some very weird and annoying pipes in there.  *burn*  *cough* *choke* *gag*  Then again, it does usually, eventually, when I can make enough weird sounds and actions clear it, clean out that area of my anatomy.  The girls just come over to watch while I contort and cheer at the weird noises.  Never sure if... I am a fantasy dinner, just needing to be dead first, or if they are on my side.  Cats and women... too close, as I see things.  :p

Well, on to... waking up.  Yes, I said waking up.  At least warm blood isn't on the menu and I can survive the sun, mostly.  Later.

I do love cats.

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However, fair is fair.  Now... while I enjoy their... insufferable nature, as it is so obvious at times, I should be quite careful.  For my part?  I call them big babies, while talking to them, when they... go through tantrums about these and other... insecurities.  But I grant that I am the biggest baby of our pride.  Danged critters have zero... diplomacy.  They fervently agree!  Hmm, they might have picked up their... inter-relational finesse from me.  Or, maybe that is just another cat thing?  Never mind, we get along fine because I say so, they ignore until out they go, then we figure things out all over again.  Oh, they... have their ways of getting back at me, too.  Dang kids.

Oh, hum? Yeah, well. Music?

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I really have to... get a grip.  Yeah, tomorrow, I will do some things.  Maybe tonight, maybe not.

Just some music that was mildly amusing, interesting.  Not really... quite... there.  Just, interesting.  The first few are from a new group.  It's a bit mild, timid, for me.  The themes or, something, caught me so that I didn't just click them off and forget they existed.  Barely.  The last is a group I have had here before.  While not my favorite of their work, the theme was definitely interesting, to me.  No, nothing fancy, hot, or probably new for all I know.  Still, it's... new.

I am curious what women think of the first two songs though.  They barely allow me to stay connected.  They are almost off my radar.  Reminds me when a woman spoke, especially while I was going through testosterone storms in my teens.  I really CAN'T hear you!  SPEAK UP!  It's only slightly better, but I have found that nonverbal is my ticket with women, and some actually listening when I am able.  Actually, only because I balance between life and dreams am I able to tolerate this.

Never sure...

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how much to share.

First muslims, now PETA.

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It seems there would be nothing in common between the two groups.  Now, if you understand ideologies, and temporary bedfellows, and the alliances that have been struck, you would understand the obvious isn't always true.  But, in this case, you need to know nothing of the sort.  No, first in D.C., then in Johnstown, P.A. 

h/t to Dough Ross

Even if the story is a spoof.  *wink*  Yeah, but it was great fun anyway.  Definitely good night now.

Gaming won the choice contest.

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I won't say, so far, that I am greatly enamored of the new game.  The title is Dishonored.  It might turn out to be more interesting, for game play.  Character acting might be good, if you are British and your style, or if you enjoy the British accents.  I am not a fan.  The character development is great, if you are seven.  Pretty flat.  And, again, tons of little bits and pieces you have to find.  That... does get old.  Every newer game seems to be more about bits than story or characters.  It is something to do.  A change of focus.  A way to create and maintain focus, if not what I would prefer to focus upon.  I simply don't have much choice at the moment.

Sleep, I think, finally.  It is about time.  Tired, all night really, just not worn out enough.

Good night.

Pardon me.

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I've had just a little tangle of the devil in me lately.  Oh, not in a serious way.  Or perhaps it is merely that I have been noting things and, well, with my fantastic diplomatic equanimity, or well, aplomb, I seem to step on toes as if I were trying.  Never the wit.  I mean to say, if your toes are a bit tender, and it happened in or near my presence, take heart.  I meant it.  Yea, aplomb, for sure.  Thing is, I don't know how else to say things other than how I say things.  *Bam!*  Nothing personal and not really meant in the harder tones it can be taken, it's just how I say/write things.  Could work on that but... *tired! nap time* ...maybe not.

I have been visiting more and more blogs as I wake to being sleepy and ill.  I might be a little grumpy, but I don't think so.  I check for that, as running solo in the world I have no one to bounce my mood off of, so, as with halitosis and b.o., I have learned to try to check that and keep it in mind.  Then again, I was rather busy, fully engaged, in the run up to and then the actual BMan run.  It's good to be getting back in this groove.  I am sure the rest will come sooner hopeful, but later to be certain. 

Life isn't bad though.  Just a bit messy, for now, hereabouts.  A month or two hence I honestly hope to have the place restored.  I figure if I can do what I just did, and I did, I can really do anything, over enough time.  I will just have to figure out how to keep it that way.  Perhaps by not living in some parts of my home as if a woman moved in and kicked me to the man cave, tossing me bones once in a while for otherwise respecting HER home.  *ticklish grins*  Yea, it's a trap.  But whose trap?  *Bacon!*  Yum.

Just having... the most entertaining of thoughts.  Adds to my diplomacy, to be sure.  But it is quite delightful, whatever else.  For my part.  I would let you know more, but if you aren't hot already, and bothered, you would become so.  I'm almost certain of it.  Oh, nothing bad, just trickily funny, in my favor, and not at all converging on political correctness.  Hmm, the game might... ease my delight, or change it into something a little more focused.  Natural highs can be a bit insufferable... for others/some.  Fine, back to default.  But... don't even think that is real, or more than just a mask worn by me so as not to get shot.  Mostly.

Later.

Sleep, sorting, or gaming.

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Days of just sitting, with bits of work thrown in very occasionally and randomly.  I can do some things, mostly to the finish line.  Sometimes there is no price, sometimes I get completely zapped.  There is a little fear of trying.  It's great when it works but when it doesn't, back in the cage I go.

I would really like to sort.  But as things stand, when I begin to sort, that which is sorted, as poorly as it gets sorted, ends up going right back where it came from after I stretch my capacity to think and do beyond their means.  And it doesn't take long or much.  It ends up a wasted time and me simply feeling foolish for having tried one more time.  Maybe in a few days.

I would love to sleep.  Problem is that I can't sleep.  My hope is to get into town tomorrow, to see my friend, and early enough to go to the Verizon shop for a charger.  I just hope my mother isn't freaking.  My neighbor brought dinner tonight, and told me that the sprinkler had been on for... three days?  Hmm, well, okay.  I thought I turned it off, guess not.  Only two of those were going though.  I need to get one area watered still.  It looks like some of that water transferred over to parts of the area missed, but not enough.  I suppose a single day on that one should do.  :p

So, gaming?  Ugh.  Sounds delish.  Problem is I am not sure I am up to the usually steep control learning curve that they can hit you with.  Look, with stories being hashed rehash, I suppose, all they have making the controls confusing enough that the story seems better and the game play seems more challenging, so they dinker with that.  It's... why they get the big bucks?  Fine, some games are entertaining.  But would they be as entertaining if game makers homogonized game controls and functions?  Probably not by half, honestly.  Hey, it's a pastime, one of the few a sometimes nearly fully crippled ogre can partake in.  Yes, forge.  Yes, even just a shop and wood and metal working.  Being on my feet for six hours though?  Organizing and tinkering with parts until they fit and it all works when I can't unload a box with a dozen dozen items?  Yeah, sounds good though.  And I am working on it.  But, for now... 

Dunno.  I'll at least get out of the computer chair and away from the blasted computer, for a bit.  Maybe longer if I can get into the game.

Shush!  I made it out of my home, county, state, across two other state borders, and was somewhat active and mostly civil for a couple weeks or so.  Can't say I don't try, and test the fates doing it, from time to time.  A few days, weeks, months down is a small price for having flown.  I'm good with it, if I don't have to like all aspects of it.

Later.

Way late to wake, and, whatever.

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Feeling better if I am now spinning, schedule wise.  All good, as I made it to the desert and back between day/night death spins.  Essentially I have no control over my altitude or direction.  Well, but I do feel pretty good.  Let it be, I say.  It fixes itself in time, and medicines are only going to exacerbate that in any case.  With nothing absolute on the agenda, and problems fixable generally as is mostly, I am simply not going to worry for now.

Nifty!

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While reviewing short films I happened to spot something of interest, if I thought it might be a hoax.  Still, I looked a little closer.  It doesn't seem to be a spoof.  Further, I found others, of a more functional sort.  Oh, right, you have no clue yet.  Armor, or at least a gauntlet.

Palate cleaning time.

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Tired of being tired, I plan to kick it up, or go another direction.  A little song to send me on the way.  Enjoy, yourself, at your leisure.

A look in the mirror.

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I woke, a bit heavy as usual, and late but not considering the hour of my repose.  Waking relatively well, I made coffee and fumbled for something to eat.  On to the bathroom, but checking the pill container divider.  It is dry and ready to fill after having been cleaned.  Duty done, hands washed, a quick look at the mirror.  Gah!  Do I have something wrong with my eyes?  Pinkeye or, or... something?  Ah, no.  A bit of thought and it makes sense.  Odd how a man can walk through rain in an empty state for days, a week, and not even remember it, being so focused on getting to some distant spot or trying to examine things in the dark.  Rain indeed, a deluge.  Awful for it to rain for no reason.

Today?  I don't know.  I have looked, in the boxes, for the items and devices I sought.  They don't seem to be there.  Perhaps another look, then a look through one last group of things.  Perhaps I left the phone charger in the last hotel, but I remember unplugging it and taking it.  It could have gotten lost, somehow, on the way, though, too.  Hmm, perhaps checking my vehicle as well, in case I removed it for comforts sake, being in a cargo pocket but perhaps raking my leg when I would get in and out?  Dunno.

Might as well go through clothes and pile them for washing anyway.  I turn pants inside out when I have cleared the pockets, as a sign.  Shorts and sweat bottoms, anything with pockets.  Well, and actually shirts too.  With or without pockets, if shirts aren't an absolute.  I don't even know WHY I do it, other than that my last woman type did it and she seemed to know what she was doing.  I may have asked, but if she answered I have forgotten. 

For now?  Coffee, that spit of breakfast, and a bit of waking.  I don't know, can't bring myself awake enough to care.  I hope the waterworks are done though.  Hmm, probably not to town today, perhaps Monday.  Oh, but setting up my medicines, on partial doses, would be super.  That, itself, is going to... hurt.  On the good side, I will be too zombified, if the worst of it hits, to notice hell and death for a bit.  Numb, baby.  Take it where you can get it.

Later.

Short films, who knew.

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Not quite ready for bed but with little else going so as to focus I found myself... looking around.  And these are some of the things I saw.  A few of the better ones I offer for your viewing pleasure.

Haiku Monday - Loss

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Becca is up with the the theme, her gig about the contest, and the rules at her place.

The theme...  Oh, it's been a sore tooth for a few days.  Being down physically has meant... recall.  Only this year I added another to the pile, a loss I have only come to know, like a black hole, from the lack of light in certain areas as I have become able to see more than psychically, spiritually, myopically.  A sore tooth it is, and rotten to the core, festering as it has.  I have been licking around that tooth, and bringing it into play with the other bad soul teeth, to try to find balance.  Why do we play with sores in our mouth or on our tongue?  Why do we tinker with our body sores, wounds, and pains?  Does it make them better?  Does it help us diagnose and so better seek remedy?  Is it, potentially, destruction testing on the sly, trying to do things the easy way if it doesn't always work?  Is it just desserts? 

So, I will touch on this.  I will try to keep it together.  Just understand, I didn't lose this, or that, or here, or there.  I lost every source of family and love I knew in one epoch of my life in less than a year.  One part was helping me with the other part until it went dark as well.  I still don't know the details, I cannot touch them.  Like black holes, I see an outline of nothingness in my soul, things gone.  None of the math or physics works.  Nothing... explains.  I don't know why, how, when exactly.  Time to... work those rotten teeth over a bit more, I suppose.  They might ooze into being septic, or I might get a bit ill just from what is already there oozing out.  Yum!

Oh, mind you, I am a story teller, and a blind one.  I know nothing, only... sense.  My senses could easily be off.  All I can do is cast shapes in the sand with my finger from that which I do see, feel, and hope there is some truth, or meaning, there.  I simply don't know.  Oh, I won't be... doing anything else with this.  I already have a... thread that... brought this to you.  Steps.

I don't know her name
I can't remember her ways -
I can't forget her love

shadows in the night
kin kingmakers, silent sons
lost in world ~ with me

A blink and a burn
A world with a future- ash
Sleep til birth relieves

Up, done, out, and back.

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Beyond getting a few meals, I also did some shopping for food to cook here at home, plus the milk and cream.  Yum!  I didn't bother with the car wash.  Beside being a bit more done in than I thought my tank was still mostly full.  No gas, no wash.  Plus, it was still raining and might for the next several days.  That will just have to wait.

I had to finish my second meal here at home.  Almost couldn't bench press my butt out of the chair to finally bring it in, but I managed to squeak that out too.  Tired.  So very tired.  AC is going and it looks like I am finally settled from all the doings (considering) to finally hit the rack.

Good night peoples.  I hope your dreams are fond and bright, that your sleep sees you rested, and that you wake and finding something to smile or laugh about.  We can get to the acerbic stuff later, perhaps together.  Unless *cough* it's your fault!  :p  Urhm... *cough* or mine. 

There is no such thing as atheism.

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Let me clarify a few things first.  Hmm, butter?  No, but there will be crabs to be had aplenty shortly.

Atheism, from my understanding, is a belief that there is no God or gods, or... anything... but what science has proven.  It is a world view purportedly based upon the results of the sciences.  And while there are groups and individuals who declare themselves to be atheists, that doesn't make the notion of their beliefs true.  If I were to start, oh, let us say a flat earth society... would that make the earth flat?  No, of course not.  I am even agnostic about the notion of the state of being an agnostic, but I'll get to that in a bit.

I will start with the sciences.  The sciences, clumped together and rolled into a design, as a means testing of... anything... is not just rather weak, it is... impossible.  Science, as a term, could be considered to have one of several different meanings.  One could ascribe it to mean the sum of collected, studied, and theoretical data compiled by man.  Another meaning might be the process by which subjects are studied.  Another, among possibly other meanings, might be the men who do the work, in a general way.  And while science does attempt to understand the world, ourselves, life, and all, the truth is it is a never ending process.  If science figures everything out, and is able to apply that, it won't be science anymore.  It would purely be engineering.  It isn't there.  It isn't close.  Science is the study of what exists, but is limited by our own ability, and failings.  Those limits are vast beyond imagining.  None of the definitions of science could even remotely be construed with knowing everything, true knowledge, or simply the truth.  They can't even figure out how to get two main schools of physics to work together!  Beyond that, basing a belief on science, which is based upon mathematics, and knowing that mathematicians still haven't actually proven that 1 + 1 = 2, or gotten beyond the fact that zero is just a theory, is... rather a sketchy proposition.  It all comes down to the little details.  The cracks in those details are wide enough to drive universes through.  And... that happens from time to time.

As it ends, atheism chooses to believe in the non-existence of God because science hasn't proven God, if that is quite debatable, down in the details.  But what they completely omit is the obverse, that science also hasn't disproven God.  That in spite of the majority of the world believing in God or gods.  Trying to use psychology to discount religion would be much like a spiritualist trying to use astrology to prove the sun is actually cold, both are about as scientifically adequate as the other.  both pseudo sciences that... just don't pan out when men try to tinker with the theory to favor their pet perversities. Atheism, as it turns out, is merely a belief in science, one most atheists truly do not grok.  I would happily agree that atheism exists, albeit not as it is tendered... if they will agree that it is simply another faith system.

As to agnostics?  As I said I am torn on that.  Go figure?  Perhaps, for some, who really can't sense or feel or see.  When I look at the world, the universe, even through the scientific lens to within my capacity, I don't just see the fingerprint of God.  I also see the image of man.  I see little algorithms, flows, designs, and things that point to the existence, biology, real psychology, and other aspects of men.  For a long time, as a choosing disbeliever, this bothered me.  Until it clicked.  We are made in God's image, it would make sense.  Didn't like it then, do now, if it is still... a bit heavy.  Not sure if they can't or won't see.

Ah, as for my part?  I saw, I just didn't like it.  I couldn't do what I wanted to do.  It was inconvenient.  So I simply agreed with whoever to a degree, paid lip service perhaps, then did whatever I wanted.  I won't say I went to a mountaintop and attained wisdom and went on to heal myself.  No...  I was pulled, called, dragged in.  Almost tricked in.  I actually challenged the truth... Prove it, I thought.  The answer was... disprove it.  So I started digging, with great zeal.  For me, in the end... I lost.  While I have no more evidence than the next man, my attempts at really getting to the heart of matters showed what... I already knew.  Still didn't like it, still don't, always.  But if something is right the vast majority of the time, to my satisfaction (if not always pleasure), I will yield.  Science, as it turns out, is based on techniques that work only through finding the imperfections in the theory and using these to propose new theories and then having engineers actually make it work, leaving actual science in the dust.  Probably still wouldn't have speed of sound travel if it had been left to the scientists at NASA.  They handed the task to the military and they simply engineered it, theories be damned.  Same with electricity, if you get right down to it.  Scientists knew, at the time, that it running electricity across a wire was far too inefficient to be a workable power solution.  Thanks you, Westinghouse, Edison, et. al.  Bah!

Done?!?

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Shortly after that last post I slogged to my socks, put those on.  Then slumped over to my boots, put those on and tied them.  Then lumbered for the door.  Raining!  Well, a sprinkle anyway.  I thought about calling it off.  Hey, baseball players get it called for rain allll the time!  But no.  I started on the back end.  As I was getting through that, considering the rain I thought, could it be slick? and maybe just because, I really thought about just doing the back half and... waiting for 'tomorrow' to do the rest.  I didn't feel like fussing with the grill main body.  As I finished the back reaches though I decided to just dig in.  I even went for the grill body first, so as not to give myself an out as I finished off the other side.  Munched my finger pretty good, but pain just... helps somehow.  Twelve or thirteen boxes, the grill and legs, a fully packed bergen pack, a couple of other bags of stuff, and... more... all got hauled out.  Most of it went to the laundry or the living room, stacked nicely by my chair, mostly.  A very few things were good enough to be put back where they came from and some things went to the sink.

And yes, there is dust.  I may wash the Xt'er when I fill up tonight, even with the rain sprinkling.  It just isn't enough to get the dust off.  It just makes it worse.  Further, I may take her in at the first of the month and get her cleaned head to tail.  There is no way I could get that out.  My guess is they are going to have a... real man's man job on their hands themselves.  Ah, I have to remember to begin paying for dinners.  This month.  I remembered an old personal pledge and took care of that.  And then there are teeth.  Next month?  I need to figure out charity money.  A big bit here, a little there, two places in mind, I have been remiss.  That will sure bite into spending money but then... yeah... Hmm, on to the rest.

But...  I am not sure I am done.  That was refreshing, this time.  While I would love to tear into things looking for some specific items, I believe I will wait on that, at least until I make a run into town.  The only food place that is probably open is McDonalds.  That will do.  It won't even be a big meal, I'm not quite up to that.  Just a double cheese meal.  It's a quarter past one and they only serve real food until 4:00, so I best hop to it, considering my speed.  While I have been trying to do a meal a day it has become rather thin, as to plate size.  No worries, I haven't been doing anything.  So a smaller meal will work best.  I might stop in for a couple of gallons of milk while I am at it, and soak the coffee pot.  I left coffee in it in my rush.  My bad.  Coffee, milk, perhaps some whole whipping cream as a short term treat.  If nothing else, a big glass of milk serves as a decent meal in itself.  For me at least.  Want not waste not and stick with whole milk.

Oh, but first a shower.  I have, literally, mostly, just been sitting.  Yes, a shower for sure.  I am amazed.  Just the few days ago that I did the stuff on the roof I came out of that sicker, sorer, and with a headache.  I'll take this ball and run with it!

Oh, another thing.  With the requirement of three published articles a month at Alexandria's, on top (I think) of my first article, I have been... focusing.  Especially since I am starting in the middle of the month.  I have two in the queue, including the one above.  Putting them in the queue gives me time to review, edit, rearrange...  You will, probably, be getting some of the articles in their rawer, my natural, state.  The above won't show for several days, but another, a rehash of an older one, will show up tomorrow.  I did rework it a bit, cleaned it up, edged, trimmed, straightened.  Ugh.  Work is hard!  :p

Later, or perhaps good night. 

Some chuckles and about ready to work.

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I remember one of the conversations about Burning Man, on the way to it, with Desert Cat.  I had some wonder about the art.  How good it would be.  He caught on pretty quickly and just rode my thought wave to see where it would go.  I mentioned something about strike-anywhere matches, and offering those freely to artists who failed the test.  He didn't quite want to tell me, but I finally got out of him that he had procured lighters to hand out.  He didn't want me hijacking his gifting stash because he was slightly, okay, truly afraid I would be handing them out to crushed artists.  And... I can't say the potential wasn't there.  As it turned out the art was pretty good.  Oh, there were little organic gooey things that weren't to my tastes, but even these I could see work and simply agree to disagree, more so with the majority of it being rather good, interesting, even interactive.  Yes, chuckles...

I am about to get started unpacking.  I meant to do it much earlier.  It simply did not happen.  I stayed up very late last night hoping I would get to it but that simply didn't work.  Tonight... I do believe I will at least hit it.  How much I will get done is another thing.  Having the grill out, to be set up tomorrow I hope, would be fantastic.  The grill makes feeding my face much easier.  And unlike my other grill I don't grimace and give the grill a look of fear as I try to cook things on it.  Most of it will simply go in beside my chair, to the laundry, with the dirty dishes, or wherever it belongs if it seems in good enough shape.  Hmm... yes, I think I can.  Tomorrow, when I wake, I will begin sorting and looking for the needed items.

Later, maybe good night.

Some news tidbits.

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First off, a little about those who truly had a bad mother.  Oh, my mother was a stormy critter.  The glare, shout, or belt were used aplenty.  But with that was love.  Now, I never believed when she said this was going to hurt her more than me, mind you.  But I have come to believe some of the implications and think there was something there.  I do honestly believe she did what she did, mostly, for love.  And there were far more good than bad times.  By the fruits, as they say.  Though don't blame her if you think I'm a bit odd... she could only work with the materials she was given, mind you.  :)  Anyway, here is a story about a mother who was all bad all the time with no saving grace and without love.  Her children seem to have come through it, though in spite, not as in my case because, of their mother.  Youch!

The next story causes me to dream great dreams.  I WISH it were true.  Unfortunately I do not believe it.  A few minor inconveniences and the great idiot senator believes all is lost.  He would not have fared well in the real world.  Politics and academics are all that man can handle.

And this next story?  It is why I WISH the above story were true.  Why in the world is a state worried about private dinner parties?  I guess every nickle and every ounce of intrusion into privates lives is all government is about now.  I would love to partake in such a thing, though the affordability factor would make it a rare treat.  I'm not so interested in oddities of chem-cooking as I am in dishes that are rarely, or never, offered to the general public because of rarity or the general public's lack of a food backbone.  Oh, I'm all for meat and potatoes, but could you toss some fresh squid, add very fresh beef or fish eyes with a bit of lemon or lime and sea salt, and perhaps a non-alcoholic (at least the first time) mix of fresh beef blood and raw milk?  You might even change beef for goat, lamb, ostrich, or... whatever.  Yes, my tastes run... to all corners of the way man once not only ate, but had to eat.  The service saw me on my way to that, I am just... continuing that journey.  Grubs?  You can keep them, unless you have found a way to make them savory, or maybe sweet.  Raw or straight cooked?  Not so much.  Bleh.  I prefer regular worms, if not by much.  Worms do work well in foods such as cakes, stews, lots of things though.  I suppose grub would as well, chunked and hidden in other things. It IS almost free protein.

Oh, plus, I used to go to 'underground' 'parties'.  There is something to getting away with it.  But, yeah, we, as adults, do not need, nor want, the government to "have our back" on every decision we make, every purchase we make, every thought we have.  It's not so much as a thank you but no thank you, for my part, as a fuck off and die.  Yeah, I think...  Hey, isn't that pretty much what we told K. George et. al.?  I do believe it was.  And for much less, if most realized that if you let one door open, soon you will be swamped with grabs through a thousand doors and windows.  As we are now seeing, only now we have representation but that is being watered down by those who aren't taxed, actually draining the tax chest, and still getting a vote!  Law and order is fine until you have a government employee checking to make sure you are doing everything correctly, according to bureaucratic whims, while pilfering you blind on top of it.  Back the fuck off. 

Down then up late.

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It was sunny but it looks like clouds are moving in.  We are getting a lot of rain here, too much really.  If we could get this in more discreet packages, we have the systems to store it.  But when it comes as a huge packet we end up with flooding potential more than water storage.  Further, the dew point jumps.  It's still nowhere near as bad as Eloy when I stepped out.  What a shock.  Iowa in a desert!  Still, it's enough, with my weakened state, to keep me a little lower and rougher than what could be hoped.

Desert Cat might be right, not running out of medicine that is acceptable would help.  And I will have that in order next year.  But that isn't the whole, or even majority of it.  I simply did more for prep, then packing, then putting up, working, and taking down the camp, plus getting out as I did, then I honestly usually can do.  Adrenalin is my friend in some situations.  The truth is I do have some reserves.  But once depleted, those reserves simply do not refresh.  I haven't stretched like this since before I was ill.  I do see a huge increase in capacity to do.  What I don't see, unfortunately, is any increase in restoration.

I am planning on getting out and unpacking the vehicle tonight, when it is cool enough for my vampiric seeming tastes.  I am not going to complicate my plans with any side ventures, like cleaning a bit, doing the dishes, or even sorting.  My whole focus has to remain removal and some minor choosing of where some obvious things go.  The things to be further broken down will go near my chair in the living room, roughly.  A few things have specific places to go, and most of those will go there or to be washed first.  Then, if I have anything left over, I may begin working on sorting and storing from the mixed boxes.  As a treat, if I have the energy even then, will be to get to town and grab something to eat.  Stick?  Meet Carrot.  Further, I then am hoping to call my friend and plan to be into town either Saturday or Monday, and maybe get into Church Saturday or Sunday.  Ugh...  I am hoping Saturday, so as to be at confession.  Thankfully I just have the regular stuff, but it's important to me, possibly to my priest, and to God.  It too is the stick, Eucharist being my carrot.  I'm... easy, if... it isn't, always.

I just want to get out!  I hate being trapped in my bunker.  I haven't seen people in groups in a while.  I do miss that.  Plus, I just want to get my creaking old carcass out and about, perhaps blow out some of the carb build up, tootle around a bit, maybe check a few things out that are on my mind.  Hmm, 14:51 here now... that gives me, say, five hours to goof until I want to start checking the temps outside.  Yeah, I can tinker that time away.  I best set the clock though.  I can easily lose track. 

Later!  Yes, I'm excited to have a plan and to at least believe it just might work.  It will see to my phone being back in service, a meal or three with my outings, and medicine getting back on the menu, all of which will surely lead to getting my feet back under me sooner rather than later.  All theory, mind you, but...  It's all I have right now.  Yes, later, indeed.

Some things about BMan make sense, now.

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While I have been grumbling about being laid out and feel a bit squashed and flayed, I remember back to another time I felt like this.  After my first tour on a submarine.  It was a three month detachment, and change.  While we didn't have to take everything we needed to eat, we had to take everything else we would need for three months and a bit more maybe.  Tobacco, clothes of various sorts, and shoes/boots, several pair of glasses, any treats, reading material, even extra personal tp in case we ran out(!), and who knew what else.  Being the first tour I really didn't have a good idea about what to take.  Other guys offered advice but their notions, of course, and interests, were quite different.  Come to think of it, a multimedia ebook reader/movie viewer and a store of memory chips would have made much of that far easier.  The only fear with that would have been breakage.  Theft was simply not a problem on submarines.  Such a man was ferreted out and all but crucified, then kicked out of sub duty.  Especially since, if you needed... all you had to do was ask.  Someone would... help.  Or I found that to be the case.  The days were twelve hours of work, six down, then it would start over.  Only the Captain had 9 to 5, not even he had a guarantee of that.  Running drills two out of three sleep cycles didn't help.  

Technically, by rank, I didn't have to do some of the things others did.  I didn't have to, for example, work in the galley.  I put in for it anyway, and am glad I did.  It was a social thing, on the sub, and earned me some decent bona fides up and down the chain, minus the chief to whom I had been assigned.  Because while I wasn't technically inclined, he could use my rank and technical mos so as to supervise those who had the skills but not the rank (if that ruffled feathers from time to time).  Easy job for me, but as I said, I was there to help, and "join the club", which I did.  I was pleased to have helped in the galley though.  We had one of the few cook master chiefs on our sub.  When the rest of us were busting our butts, really busy, and doing our best, I saw him see something he didn't like, look around and see that we were giving 110%, so rather than yell or reassign, I saw him get a bucket and some stuff, go down on his knees, and scrub an area of the floor that just wasn't up to his level of fitness.  That made my whole sacrifice in the galley worth it.  Oh, I got "shit jobs" for a good week or two after that, when I got back to my chief.  Took em' and smiled, really.  I understood and just took it.  I remember being asked, usually, if I wanted to help out.  I don't know why, and don't remember if that is normal.  It strikes me as odd now.  The only thing I wouldn't do was climb/wiggle through a tight area sort of through pipes and under the grated deck, to do something.  The fit was tight for a smaller guy.  I think they were just teasing.  I wouldn't have made it in and out, I didn't think.  "Nope!", I said.  While not, obviously, an extreme claustrophobic, I... did have my limits.

Basically a submarine, a boomer anyway, is like three months of Burning Man.  Oh, and yeah, when you get off, back to shore?  You are zoomed.  Just getting used to the sun is a bit of a thing.  Fresh air is grand if it doesn't make sense at first.  A week after being home, if you go smell your clothes?  Ick!  You never really get that smell out no matter how many times you wash it.  Wives have been trying for all of the time of submarines to figure that out so I am thinking there is no fix.  There are some things that if enterprising socialized women can't figure out... they just can't be done.  Just keep those clothes and gear purely for sub runs.  Burned out, fuzzy in the brain, new air, actually different altitude if not by much, since it is underwater it is more than one might think, even encapsulated, I do believe.  Instead of coming out of the desert I came out of the sea.  Oh, and on a sub, it is either chilly or blast furnace hot.  Forward, with crew but mostly electronics, is kept somewhere in the 66-68 range.  Not bad but moist and metallic, which change the dynamic of the temperature a great deal... and no sun.  Aft is simply kept hotter, so the mechanical end runs more smoothly.  How hot, to a degree, depends on how close you are to whatever is being used, and what else you might be doing to or around such heat sources.

From reading a bit, it looks like everyone crawls back out of those sands, though, and has to reconfigure their configuration, catch some z's and their breath, and figure out where to go from there.  While this is worse, for me, here and now, than even a sub return, I suspect that is merely because I am old and ill.  I do think I could have done this on my hands back then, and been running 18 hour days in the sun and wilds.  While the sun/heat wasn't my favorite, even back then, I know I could and did handle large doses of that for other reasons, and of the worse sort... with humidity.  Bleh...  Dogs go where their masters command.

Anyway, after the dreams of typical sub duty and decompression from that, I am feeling better.  I have some context.  And, yeah, they pretty much gave us a week or two of light duty/no duty upon returning topside.  Three months of lighter duty after that, give or take, then we would have to hit it again.  I had heard, for most guys, that four tours would see them to retirement (if I thought they had to be wrong, especially with some mos's, definitely my technical job).  Maybe to the level of chief, but that should be about a twelve year climb.  Hmm, I even doubt that.  I would guess it would be more like two years on, two off, the whole career... 20years/2withsub = 10subyears, 10subyears/ 2deploymentsperyear =5dives... maybe four wasn't so off.  Not sure.  It was a beastly little spot of work, especially if you tore into it.  But fun.  If you like to work and live with the wind, and with a bunch of other tech heads, grease monkeys, and... your own frat house.  :)  Those dreams are so... refreshing.  Fond memories, mostly.

Ah, later.

Steps

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Received a headache for all my... good works.

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Beside getting out and doing, I wanted to see if I really am devoid of energy.  Sometimes, after sitting long periods, symptoms can seem like exhaustion but when pressed it vanishes.  That is distinctly not the case this time.  Beside burning out hard, having my muscles become shaky, and having to push through those things to finish, I received a nice little headache to top it all off.  At least it was a small one.  I thought to take a few more aspirin but just couldn't get to it.  It seems to have passed on it's own.  Tomorrow, hopefully, I will unload the interior.  Before really unpacking I will look for a few things, such as the charger for the cellphone.  Damned thing is simply a paperweight in it's current condition.

I did do a bit more for Alexandria.  I wanted to tinker there a bit anyway, and get more familiar and comfortable with WordPress.  New tech is something I rarely read unless extremely interested, motivated personally, and sheets full of will.  While I have the first two, the last is weak to non-existent.  I pulled an old post from here, repurposed it just a bit, then set it up to post four days hence.  With a three post minimum, and sometimes pulling up lame, and while physical activity is still a bit beyond my reach, now is the time to get squared away on that, get into the groove, and be a bit prepared for whatever may come.  Time will tell how this will work out.  However I am hoping to hit on more pertinent, timely, posts, both here and there, a little more frequently.  Any old posts I might wish to use will have to be changed, just a bit though perhaps much.  I include much more personal thoughts, beliefs, and that here than what I would ask, or want, to publish elsewhere. 

Hmm, yeah...  Nearing bedtime, even though I wasn't up until 11:00 or so.  (The real time is 19:49 here, I can't seem to get blogger to use the real time, though maybe the time delay has some purpose?)  Ugh.  As soon as supper shows or it hits an hour when I am pretty sure it won't, I'm hitting it.  Hard.  Good night.

I saw the opportunity and took it.

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I can't believe I have been home since... Wednesday?  Tuesday, after a quick check.  And really Monday if you consider morning a new day, or being up from morning until then as one single day.  I have been pretty much done in that whole time.  I know what I need to do.  I want to do it.  There simply hasn't been any energy to drive those things.  As it turns out keeping my eyes on the ball, the energy gauge, and some other things, has allowed me to finally unpack the rack pack.

I had the tent, cot, sleeping bag, and other such up there this time.  The pack itself is supposed to be water proof.  That did not prove out.  We have been getting rain.  I can't swear to it, but my guess is that with water on the roof and part of the pack down on the roof water simply seeped in.  I'll... have to test that further at some point.  I like knowing the limits of my gear.

So, instead of just unpacking and storing, as I had hoped, I had to unpack, take it all to where I am storing it, then set everything out and some of it up, in order to let things dry out.  Thankfully I have an out of the way place to do that.  I didn't set the tent up, but I did spread it out over the table that didn't get taken.  I did set the cot up, putting the mat and the sleeping bag over it.  I will need to turn those things from time to time.  The tent and fly didn't seem too bad, so those may go away rather quickly.  The rest? 

Before doing that I decided to check on my garden.  It looks like a complete wash, but a bit of purposeful and accidental finds are showing that there is some crop.  I won't do corn again.  Of the two rows I doubt if there are ten edible ears, of which I found three and will be checking to see if those are worth the effort of boiling.  Then again there might be corn crop that works better hereabouts as well.  There were a very few tomatoes as well.  While going up the row of corn, however, I see that I have a lot of jalapeno.  I have a number of another pepper, either Tai or Serrano.  I may have other peppers out there, as I only accidentally found the jalapenos by tromping down weeds next to the corn.   I may also have the half row of root vegetables, but the whole row is gone.  And the weeds are pretty monster.  So be it.  Live and learn.  If I can get around to it next year, perhaps drip watering will see to a better, easier to manage, crop. 

Just... saying that I might be finding a way to things.  That little effort did take it out of me though.  What I found that is going to help drive me to get this done though is... I would like to go in and see my friend.  I can't do that with a full Xt'er.  Especially if I want to get him out.  His wheel chair needs the whole back seat area.  I will have to push though, sooner or later.  Ugh.  Later.

While rifling through the drawers of old whispers...

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A couple of other electronica, anyway, songs came to my attention.  If they had just been toss off mood things I wouldn't have brought them back up.

Still rough, too bad, so sad.

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Huh?  Mocking myself?  Gosh but I had some great mother types to model!  Sometimes zero sympathy was to be had from the adult skirt in the home.  Never le minde.

I just woke and dosed with aspirin and the water pill.  I think water had displaced the innards and bone cavity containers enough that they have to... work back into place.  It's not a comfortable thing.  That isn't what has kept me from work, mind you.  I simply have been exhausted.  I spent my allowance for two months for that nearly two week drive to, stay, and return from camp.  I cooked more than I usually do in a month alone.  As I have said, I run on rechargeable batteries that are on the edge of being junk.  The thing is, in a human type, you can't just replace them as you would in a tool or toy.  That spells death, or puts a very distinct date on the thing at the very least.  My batteries work fine, once charged.  It is the recharge rate that is defunct.  And I certainly discharged my batteries.

The recent post I wrote, considering conservativism and whether I still belonged was actually written for a new blog for which I am merely a guest writer.  Alexandria is the name of it.  If you know anything about the city from which that arrives, and a specific era of it, you know part of the draw.  But too, I wanted to do something... more formal.  And, yes, I am still known as Doom there.  So I haven't gone all mainstream on you.  Then again, I was assured that would not be required.  And I assured them that it would not happen.  So long as we were clear on things.  Three posts a month, after my first.  I will probably usually post them here first.  Transferring them over seemed to go very smoothly.  I've not worked with WordPress before, so... it's new.  Thing is, many of the fixes for blogspot I actually found in WordPress advice columns, oddly, and translated, so I have some working knowledge.  So, if you want to see Doom nearly at work, and his new place of vocational avocation, stop in and comment at Alexandria, or not.  It is weird.  It is almost like working from home.  I like that.

Nothing was done yesterday.  I am still pushing for things to happen though.  I feel like a shark stuck in a cage.  Work is a form of food, and it is 'right 'chere', I just... can't... get through that cage!  I will keep trying.  If I get neck strain from trying to force it I will simply take another aspirin!  Ugh!  Oh, and while I haven't found the cord yet, I checked my phone this morning.  It did turn on, but was nearly dead.  I was able to at least call my mother and let her know I was home, safe, and well.  She was happy to hear but didn't seem too worried, if she was at work.  I had to tell her three times, though, not to call tonight because my phone... well... is in the same shape I am... nearly dead.  And it is recharging about as fast as I am.  :p

Later.

Haiku Monday - Anticipation

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Amanda is up with her rules and the theme more fully filled out here.  It has been a bit, I am tired, I am sore, so I am slightly off my game.  Still, I dived right in with a couple of milquetoast poems just to start the thing.  Oh, right, here yea be.

Okay, so I have a quirky sense of things today.  It may be plainly obvious, but just a heads up.

Uhm, yea, even still in a bit of a funky mood.  *zip*

first in line, me next
go ahead of me, I grant-
I am still up next!

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whispers of promise
of doom or delight, trifling-
magic moments of weight

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Am I Still a Conservative?!?

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On a recent outing with a friend, in what would have probably been considered hostile territory, I admitted to being conservative.  It just came out, it's sort of just how I do things.  If I don't always like the way I do things, given afterthought.  As it turned out, that wasn't considered a faux pas.  Not that I would have minded.  That isn't what bothers me about my approach.  We went on to have a fine conversation.  Essentially I ended up speaking with a couple of liberals who had come at least to left libertarianism.  We ended not getting into great detail, but did find a huge reservoir of commonality.  The thing is, after discussing the events with my friend, a bit of a minor dustup occurred regarding conservativism, what it means, and whether to use it.  Uhrm, he thinks I am unnecessarily... blunt, as well.

Blunt as a sledge hammer, and at speed, I assured.  Not the point however, that usually works out, leaving no ice to be chewed through.  Still, beyond defining conservativism I had to decided whether to continue using the word or whether, simply mechanically, politically, technically, I am no longer conservative.  Was my friend correct?  Hold those horses.  Definitions, for my use, as I understand them, have to be hammered into relief.  I may no longer be a Republican but have I stopped being a conservative?

The notion of what a conservative is has, to a degree, just as the term liberal, been hijacked by people with bad intentions.  This goes without saying.  Much of the common terminology has to be outright rejected.  Conservatives are not troglodytes, pining away for the 1920's, the 1800's, or some mythical place or time.  Not this one and none I have met and spoken with.  For me it means not only holding, but keeping, a couple of ideas, writings, pro- and pre-scriptions as law and civil and social norms.

The Constitution, the bible and Christian faith more generally, and notions of what are right and wrong that come from these things are what make me a conservative.  The belief in one man and woman in marriage, that crimes should receive just punishments, the idea that there is clearly a right and wrong, good and bad, way to do things, live, and interact with others.  This should be impressed upon the young by their parents first, the Church next, and then maybe a bit in their education if I do tend to favor home schooling even over private schooling but certainly over public schooling, so making the notion much more manageable.  Not a nod to libertarianism really, just tradition for the last ten thousand years, save for one, later, era of Rome and modern industrialized nations.  Clearly I am not harkening back to some mythical time-place, merely an idealism that was the basis for modernized nations.  So, yeah, I am still a conservative with some libertarian leanings, if I think libertarians have simply picked up some of what mainstream conservatives have dropped, such as home schooling.

I have had it suggested that my notions require too much will, too much power in certain hands, too much pressure, not enough freedom.  While I will agree it does take a concerted effort by the government, the family, and the Church, I believe we are seeing what happens "if not".  Spare the rod, spoil the child.  We have many spoiled children, of adult anatomy, wreaking havoc on our cities, our economy, our judicial system, our educational systems, and anywhere and everywhere they have gained a foothold.  As the left likes to say, from top to bottom and from bottom to top.  With the greatest number of incarcerated people of any nation (Russia is next with 577 per 100,000) and the greatest number of federal, state, local, and other laws we have ever had to deal with, we are getting it from both ends.  It does take will, energy... backbone.  The answer to why is a blind walk through almost any city or an attempt to do a new activity or start a business.  We either choose to be moral and reap the rewards or we go the feral path and, well...  Look around.  Only moral people can be their own government.  Immoral and amoral will have to be subdued.  As to the power aspect though, ask where that power is currently residing.  To my mind, it is in far worse hands than in the hands of social and civil leadership, when it is offered them by the people.  Politicians, at all levels, should really only be a last resource when all local, down to the individual, efforts prove unsuccessful, not the default source of problem solving.

Yes, I do think that keeps me handily in the conservative column.  Many of the libertarian things, as I said, are simply things neo-conservatives, such as Republicans, have... relinquished.  Oh, and I do not believe being a Republican makes you a conservative.  As I see it, at this point, Republicans are merely socialists but of the big business sort rather than little guy type, corporatists rather than direct socialists, if there is a proper word for it.  However, this does make it quite simple to work with, and even for libertarian causes.  Yes, life is that simple for me.

Sleep has been generous.

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I am sleeping a bit long, and hard.  Lights out means what it suggests.  Aspirin and the water pill will get me to things much quicker than trying to load the whole medicine cabinet into my gullet up front.  I didn't get to more that what I wrote I did.  What I wanted to do did not happen.  I was stubbornly stuck on where to put the things from the rack pack.  I have figured that out so I should, as soon as I think I have the fortitude, be able to get that done quickly.  I am hoping, once I open up Pandora's box, I will continue with the rest of the cargo, or some large chunk of it which will lead more quickly to the rest of it if I don't do it all at once.  If nothing else, bringing the boxes and such in, setting them around where I can easily sort through them, will be enough.

My ribs seem to be feeling slightly better, as are my shoulders and the rest.  I am simply still rather wrung out.  The trip, from start to finish, took everything I had and a loan from the future.  It isn't a full exhaustion.  I can still think, a bit.  I can still manage minor things.  I am still mostly doing a good long decent day awake and just nights for sleeping if my sleep cycles seem a little longer than the eight hours I have been seeing most recently pre-trip.

I do have drive though.  While it isn't getting me anywhere, right at this point, it is apparent to me.  Getting unpacked, unloading and sorting and cleaning then storing all that is unpacked, and then tearing into my home to get it sparkly clean all over.  These things are driving forces, I have a strong hunger.  I just don't immediately have the resources or reserves to draw upon.  It will be a bit of untangling to get one thing to lead to another.  It is just the way it is.

The fire from the desert is fading.  That alone is almost like some drug, to me.  My mind soared and raced.  Even my flesh was much more animated, if not in a particularly helpful... actually I think it was helpful.  While I certainly wasn't as active as most there, certainly not as active as Desert Cat, without that heat creating discomfort which wouldn't let me rest I would have done much less and had even a greater difficulty doing my part for the camp let alone getting out the eight or nine times I did.  It just isn't sustainable.

For breakfast a couple of pork chops, thick cut.  I am hoping that breakfast, plus a supper coming in, will see me to... action, and sooner rather than later.  That, the aspirin, and the water pill... short term but...  I will have to push to not simply crash.  To get more beyond that is the trick.  Ugh...  Almost stuck.  Ever almost had your vehicle get stuck in mud or snow, had to baby it out?  That is where I am physically.  Later.

Feeling better.

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A few aspirin have helped.  I washed a few dishes then took a shower.  Just in time.  I had visitors, inviting me to a father/son event, though open to men in the community, in a couple of weeks.  I went last year but didn't stay over.  This time I might stay the night.  I have what I need.  A short time later supper arrived, so I got that down, and needed it.  I am hoping to get to unloading at least the roof rack pack tonight, though maybe more.  I need to find my phone charger and see if I put the camera computer connection cord in there somewhere.

I will take the aspirin as needed, but I do believe I am ready to begin digging in.  Further I have decided to try to rip through the man-cave and get it into tip-top shape.  I don't know, but after the burn out there I feel like I am willing to really take a risk and push a little farther, a little harder, sooner or later, and get my ship back into shape.  I probably can't sprint, or often, like I had to do to get going on this trip.  And it may all fall apart fairly quickly.  But until it does I am going to keep coasting.  Perhaps I am well enough that I can do more, more often.

So much to try to put in order though.  And I am just a bit out of sorts.  One thing at a time.  Having some cool again has helped.  But having things back in order will help even more.

If I have seemed offensive, be at ease.  The desert does things to you.  Beyond seeing the past, darknesses from that, and scrambling to survive, the heat stays with you.  I can't really describe it.  Wilderness living, if you have experienced that, would be a hint.  But add in that it is only (to me anyway) cool for a few hours, through in that heat rips me up, and you begin to understand.  The dry part was my friend, the alkali was neutral, the sand wasn't so bad this year.  Temptations were more easily dismissed than what I thought.  And I was, mostly, coherent and sociable when I could be.  I don't think I even got grumpy, save regarding when to leave, at the end of the week.  I still have a bit of that fire, a bit of the mind trip the heat takes one on, and that bite gets passed through my writing... if quite inadvertently. 

Hmm, yeah, another few aspirin, a bit to let that work, then on to the Xt'er, while it is dark... cool.  Later, unless I get into work and then do that until bedtime. 

Hmm, something is still really off.

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I can't be sure what is wrong.  I don't think it is my actual organs.  That has a different feel.  It honestly feels like muscle, connective tissue, and around the ribs, that is tender.  My shoulder blades also have some pain to them, as well as my triceps (but not my biceps oddly) and my shoulders.  It feels more like a strain, but I did nothing special that would have caused strain to this level of afterpain.  It is somewhat debilitating.  The water pill may have released some pressure in the rib area, but doesn't affect the other areas.  I am also gimping hard generally.

I may just have to give up on being fully healed before just tearing into things.  Although I do believe I will unpack rather gently.  With no real time constraints I can do things in short shifts, so long as I keep up the pace to a degree.  I believe I will begin insulin again, at a lower but elevated dose and continue the water pills.  As I unpack and get to things I will then begin lower doses of my regular medicine for about a week and work my way up to full speed.  I have to be careful to not really start that until I am fully unpacked and somewhat set here at home or I could go down for a week to several months.  Ugh...

I did set out some meat and a container of frozen lentils so as to have some food easily on hand.

It has been cloudy and raining off and on which makes it generally cooler.  I did need that.  I will do dishes in a bit, then get in a shower, then see what I can get done regarding unpacking.  Whether lying down or sitting, I am in just a bit of discomfort.  Hmm, maybe a handful of aspirin will help.  My good stuff is somewhere in the packed gear so just plain aspirin will have to do.  Deep breaths hurt the ribs, just a bit.  Ginger, they are, to be sure.  Yes, aspirin, an hour or two to let them begin working, then on to stuff.  Later.

Oh, ouch.

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I went to bed some time after midnight.  I woke... ...sometime.  It is now nearly noon but I have no idea how long I have been awake... an hour, three, no idea.  I looked at the clock and my watch when waking, to sort things out, but short term memory, until now, has been short circuited to be only functional in the moment, zero retention was to be had.

Sore.  I have been sore since the morning after the main burn of the Man.  Ribs.  It felt as if I had slightly bruised my ribs.  The giblets in there feel awful, a bit, too.  Hmm, that might have been part of what brought the dream to the places it went?  Yes, maybe.  I think, having run out of medicines, effectively, on Monday or Tuesday, and drinking lots of fluids to stay hydrated, I simply began to water bloat.  I knew I wanted to get back on medicine when I got back, but was hoping a bit of rest would alleviate the pain, not initially realizing it wasn't from physically over-doing.  So I was waiting for the pain to subside before, potentially, taking a nose dive restarting medicine.  Last night it came to me, what the problem really is, so I started just the water pills, for the moment.  I need to flush the fluid from my torso so that I can do a bit of work unpacking before taking the full hit of medicine and possibly going down for a week, two, or even a month or more.

Desert Cat probably wonders how I can say I am diminished, physically, after what I did getting to and from the events, and what I did there.  But if he can equate his social to my physical, I think he can understand plainly.  What I was able to do in these last weeks was more, combined, solo and group work, than I have done in decades.  The intensity and timeliness of it might make it more than I have done, in that time, combined, especially when tossing in the heat stress and lack of sleep.  A typical military op, if you ask me, but well beyond my capacity for most of my years.

Never mind.  I will give the water pill one more day to work it's magic, then begin unpacking tomorrow.  I might even get the roof pack unloaded and removed yet today, just to get the Xt'er out of the sun and into the garage to ease my unpacking efforts when they arrive.  I will save doing anything until the evening hits though.  The sun and myself are not on speaking terms until I figure out how to release some of that burn.  *hiss*

Neither of us burned, actually.  Which is rather amazing.  Desert Cat seems... immune.  He has truly become a child of the desert.  He got a bit darker, but not much.  Even covered, a bit, out there, is not often enough.  Tough skin?  Neither of us ended up using the sun block.  Me because it got lost, or really because I was too exhausted to mess with it.  He because he thinks it messes with his sweat processes.  He stayed relatively light, I went the way of a medium roast coffee.  It was odd seeing others burn.  Remember, I have been hidden from the sun for decades.

Oh, and the noise levels?  I was never bothered by them.  Then again we were not right next to the louder areas.  Still, it was music at almost all hours of the day and night.  When they stopped at, Desert Cat suggests, 4:00 in the morning, and give or take on the day, he would wake.  Sort of funny in a way, if it makes sense.  Me?  When I finally got to sleep in the cool, if God came for us He would have had to help me or leave an angel to guide me upon waking.  *grins*  *BaM*  A-sleep.  I slept quite well out there, when it got cool enough.  Never needed anything on top of me, either, if I kept it handy just in case.  My body will, in sleep, pull something over, if it wants/needs it... but only if it is easy to find.  I slept, in my bag, like an open pea pod.

Well... on to... goofing until I can manage this bloat.  Ribs, giblets, and lower back, actually, all in mild to strong pain...  I am hoping it is merely water bloat.  Then again, in those areas, there isn't much else it could be, like a ring around my lower abdomen.  Yes, bloat.  Later.

A dream.

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A child, me really, or rather young man, is seen.  A portrait of a typical boy or young man, is seen, in the opening of the showing.  He seems asleep, but then wakes.  He begins talking, in a friendly if vigorous manner.  He speaks to any and all, even to the inanimate and primal, such as cats and other animals, trees, even the wind.  He speaks with a glad heart, in a kindly manner, and often.  He seems strangely animated, there is something different about him.

As the dream progresses it is easy to see that no matter how decently he presents himself or how soft his words, the people who speak with him are disturbed.  They see something, if it isn't easily known what that is at first, that causes them distress.  As the dream continues it becomes plain to see what their difficulty is.  The view pans out so that the whole of this boy can be seen.  He has a lance through him, clean through from the back center of him on out the front of his stomach area.  It is a ripe wound, bleeding fresh blood from time to time.  Behind him is a ghostly figure of a warrior, who holds the lance.  One who also does not interact with the others at all.  Armed and armored, the ghost warrior merely is there.

In time, one of the braver men seeks audience to ask about the troubles.  He asks if the child is in pain.  The child acknowledges the pain, but dismisses it as a requirement.  The brave man asks if there is something to be done, either to allay the ghast or extricate the child.  No, nothing to be done, it is explained.  And it is not the spirit that is causing the harm, the child chose it.  The ghost, you see, existed first, and alone.  The ghost crafted the child from what he once was, in order to set that part of him free.  But once created, the child realized he could not live without the ghost.  So the child himself took the pike onto himself in order to remain real, at cost to the ghost...  To the ghost, another blow to his humanity, one more damage to the world, one less hope that some aspect of himself could be free.

All is not as it seems, suggested the child... who had become animated and friendly again.  It is not the warrior who cages me, but I him.  I simply would not be without the pain, and attachment.  And so I give my lord his dues by being present to all as he cannot be.  In service, pain.  In life, death.  This is merely who we are.

Yeah, perhaps not so much a dream as some may think.  Perhaps more an understanding.  I know why those in Church, many in civil society, and those at Burning Man... hesitate.  The blood flows to this day and so long as we remain alive.

So, what was it like, you ask?

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Burning Man was quite an experience.  Breaking it down a bit into it's components is necessary.  There was the environment and the event itself.  I'll start with the physical.

The weather channel suggests that the temperatures were in the 80's to mid 90's for highs, with lows in the 40's and 50's.  I personally heard, then read myself from a thermometer there and before the high, a temperature reading of 97 in the shade, literally in the shade.  One of my neighbors volunteered at the airport* and reported a reading of 107.  I'm not sure where the weather channel gets it's data, all I can suggest is that, like here, their readings are lower than what I have seen.  What I will say is that the heat was intense, for my part.  Desert Cat thought the temps were fine, for the most part.  Then again I think he has an ability to focus like a laser, a tolerance of heat that is nigh on amazing, or a bit of both.  He was pumped to be there and to... try out being... more social?  Which he did very well.  He was more a burner than many burners!  For my part?  I still carry the heat from the event.  It was punishing.

*Burning Man, Black Rock City, has it's own international airport while it is in session. It is only 1/2 mile from the main camp, so it wouldn't have a different temperature reading.

The other physical part was having to be mobile in the heat.  As I saw things the heat never relented until well into the morning, somewhere around 4:00 or 5:00, then staying cool for only a few hours before heating back up around 8:00 or 9:00.  Wherever you went you either had to walk or ride a bike.  While they do have art cars, I never really saw them as available for transportation.  My friend suggested some where available, at times, with a bit of effort, if I am not sure if he rode them either.  The nearest bathroom was about a block and a bit more of a walk away.  While a pee bottle came in handy, for me that was a one or two shot thing, at a gallon, so at best would only buy some time.  Plus then you had to lug the thing in.  Better to go to the port-a-potties unless you were spent by the day and only half awake at that.  As I suggested, I still got out two or three mornings, evenings, and nights, taking a three to five hour stroll or bike ride around 'town', stopping from time to time for a drink, meal, chat, or to see art or other displays.  It did wear me out, if with the somewhat cooler nights I did recover well enough for the next day.

Food prep was easy.  The grill worked very well, if I may not be taking it next year.  Simply it is a monster to haul and set up, more than I had thought it would be.  It takes up vast amounts of cargo space.  And yet the food off it was fantastic.  With the cast iron pan for bacon, and for eggs if I had remembered them, it was quite a nice item to have this first time.  Something smaller next time, such as this grill or this hibachi and maybe a portable solar oven.  Dishes were easy enough.  A set pan of soapy water and another for rinsing.  The rest of the camp, once set, took care of itself.  Although if I might recommend, policing dirty clothes every few days, tending to clutter in all areas about the same, and just trying to keep the world in order around the camp such as putting tools away and where they belong after use, really helps it all run much more smoothly.  We both did fairly well at this, for my part.  I heard no complaints from my friend so I think this was good.  Best to do this earlier or later in the day.  Midday is simply either a time to look for shade and people with whom to speak or to crawl away for an attempt at a nap.

On the social end of things... well...  People are open and approachable.  I seemed to give off a strange vibe, one which spooked others.  And I did speak my mind if I was quite open to counters and discussion.  Honestly, while I did find others who disagreed I didn't find that I was speaking with idiots or polemics of any persuasion, if I just repeated.  The liberalism I expected to face simply wasn't there.  Oh, I probably got under a few people's skin.  Hmm, suggesting to a woman who suggested she was tempted to break her vegetarianism for a pork roast going on that I had saved my last lady friend from her vegetarianism, and explaining how I did it... put her off a bit.  Her eyes got as big as saucers.  I approached the subject more from the jovial side, and without judgment despite my honest notions.  Shell-shocked... that was the look.  There were others.  But there were better, more surprising, discussions as well.  Actually in the field of politics, from what I saw among those I discussed, was a movement away from political affiliations as we know them.  Neither of our parties, from the chats I had, are satisfying to those I spoke with there.  That... surprised me.  There was plenty of middle ground.  If there is an 'us versus them' mentality, it is no longer by political camps but according to... people versus the political classes and big movers.

I did sense a fear of me.  People where generally still open, just a bit cautious.  Desert Cat suggested I take that notion and wrap it up into a presentation next year.  Rather than wait and work out a costume of some sort, I actually... played with the notion right there.  A couple of open camps I entered, where I felt that fear, I opened with a bit of humor.  I suggested something along the lines of, "Hello.  I'm from the police.  I'm placing me under arrest.".  Yes, odd.  But the tension could be so solid that the little drop line just broke the ice to waves of grins, chuckles, even a bit of laughter.  That opened things up for me a bit.  I guess I just have a law and order sort of vibe, which is fine to me to a degree.  I'm not interested in exploring some areas.

As to what to do?  There is much out there.  Viewing art, discussing just about anything under the sun, meeting people, or just testing yourself against the environment.  Some have great difficulty there, with the heat, the dust and in particular the alkali nature of the dust which can damage skin, mucus glands, eyes, whatever, and just the crush of people, activity, noise, and arid nature of the place.  Combining it all is quite the thing.  I can't really tell you what all I did.  Much of it was wandering, meeting, and greeting.  Looking here and there and just exploring.  I suppose I should mention that there are no merchants, save for ice and coffee (both cash only) in the camp.  Food was offered, gifts such as necklaces were offered, and drinks were made and put out for any and all.  It was a unique place.  But wandering the desert, even at such a place leaves little trace in the mind.  Though, what all happened there is also just mine, mostly.  You... really, truly, had to be there for it to make sense.

Would I go again?  In a heartbeat.  Well, okay, a year and a heartbeat.  My friend suggests I was satisfactory.  So if things work out on that end, another go at the thing may be possible.  Though a next time will probably be a much simpler situation, if an RV is involved.  No setting up and taking down of a large camp and shower and kitchen, no need for packing in tent and cot and such, and much of the water will be onboard.  That leaves much more time for getting out and about, and perhaps a cooler place to retreat to in the heat of the day.  Actually, I will probably still take my cot and such, for a "daybed" (probably a night bed), for the social tent, in case the RV is still a bit warm when I mean to sleep.

I have some ideas about a potential next time.  I am considering how to present Christianity there.  Not so much directly, though that will be available through discussion, but in forms of art, gifts, and such.  As well, now that I know my libido is in check, I may explore a bit more some of the women who catch my attention.  I will be trying to be out and about more in this next year anyway, with similar intent.  Got to keep that honest though, wherever I do that.  Much to consider, much still to do, and a few things to rethink...

As for the social and cultural aspect?  As I had suspected, I was neither shocked nor surprised.  I have seen, if smaller, events such as this.  My friend, however, was... amazed?  He has never seen such little touches of the world, places where rules are what they are.  He has come to this, psychologically, socially, and politically from having his world upset by machinations and lawlessness.  He seems to have had a rethink of what really is and what could or should be.  And yet, to see it again, and see where that world, in this place, has gone, was... pleasing.  I... approve.  Oh, certainly, I don't condone everything.  I don't here at home.  I don't in my Church, or any church.  But I think I get the gist and, generally, approve.  Such places allow questions that aren't allowed in other places, if too they themselves have their own dogmas.  I do not fit there, if I am comfortable since I fit nowhere.  I make my place of flesh, it is never given.  So be it.  I will be back, for my part, should the opportunity present itself.  Moist soitenly, wise guys.

Ah, right, a little promise.

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I told my friend, after being to Burning Man, and listening to the music there, that I had... explored the realm of that sort of music... and had presented them here.  I told him I would collect and put them up.  Now, some might be more electronica.  He got out into the various places and was more available to the music than I, he'll know.  Some are definitely dubstep though, I think.  Of course... with my branding, not what was usually found on the playa (pronounced pli-ya, not play-a, big difference in many ways).  Anyway, after a bit of digging for one of them as I had accidentally wiped it without saving it's location, I have most of them together.  One or two escapes me, I think, but...  Just wanted to share out a bit of Doom style dubstep/electronica for review.

Awake and home!

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I wrote a bit last night.  Under the darkness of weariness with the voice of strain.  Having an air conditioned sleep for the first time since I left... no, hotels simply do not count, they have huge limits on how fast and cold their units work... I wake to a very new day.  The burn of the event was still with me, and to a degree remains.  Actually, I left the comfort of cool as soon as I left my home, traveling from desert to desert, some of them horribly humid to boot!  Yes, a night of cool to begin taking the flame from my flesh... and tongue?  Well, and rest.

Now, I wasn't meaning anything harsh about what I wrote.  Merely observations, possibly right, potentially wrong, if at times with an air of disappointment.  Further, you know that I am a doubter, a pessimist.  Further, and I hope Desert Cat knows this personally now... though I doubt, if it sounds like a good plan I will let you know of my doubts I will set them aside and try at my full pace, strength, and wit, to prove me wrong.  So... don't worry children.  My doubts, paranoia, and personal foibles are what they are... trinkets from an era where they had been honed, necessary, and used so that I may write to this day.

The trip to and from Burning Man took me over the brim of the world.  There were places where some flat driving was as high as 8k to almost 9k.  Much of where I traveled was at least 5k.  It was all desert, starting from here at home and moving on, perhaps more so on my incorrect trajectory last night.  One would think boredom could come from driving through desert.  And, stuck with the temps, dew points, and such, and stretched over many days, more weeks, and certainly months, that might become harshly true.  Driving in what until less than a century ago became a common instrument for modern man, and with air conditioning to boot, and being able to see several of these various versions of the desert per day made the exploration much more profound... a study rather than a drudgery.  I won't say I got it all but I did see some of the miracles of His will embodied into stone, flora, and fauna.

The trip to 'The Jug' was quite a thing on it's own.  The last spit of road into the camp was quite rutted.  Going in I kept it to 25-30 mph.  There was no listed speed.  The ruts made controlling the vehicle, even weighed down with kit and carcass, a bit of a trick.  As I mentioned, four wheel drive is not a requirement.  A slow pace will see you to a better experience.  I never employed four wheel drive myself.  I still can't get over the views.  I did not go all that close to that edge.  If I go again, however, I may take something to... anchor.  Something I am more sure of, that has been tested otherwise, and get some pictures over the edge, vertigo or no.  Alone, I will do that, I do believe.  There are few I can be sure... won't do what the world of stone and men seem to mostly want.

I fret about Desert Cat, but the truth is he has one of the better possible responses.  Whether I said it or not, his reactions were quite close to my friend, the physics graduate student.  Both had, or have had, similar... troubles with women.  Both have been, and have to be due to employment to a degree, open to things I have set aside.  No kicks meant, just a ground place to start.  I fluster both.  Hmm, my other friend was an only child, so did not really create a tier.  I was always the youngest.  I can clearly see where Desert Cat fits in that part of life, and what, itself, could lead to problems.  While age is only slightly different, this might be a large part of things.  I frustrate people, in general though.  I am only partly civilized.  Then again, this is as close to it as I have ever been.  I told my last lady that she would have truly, absolutely, without a doubt, hated me if she had met me when we were both younger.  I also told her we still would have been to bed.  I was much... harder... when younger.  Rather than dealing with a great white, which often releases upon realizing a mistake, it would have been more like dealing with a bull shark.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.

I don't know if that soothes anything.  Not sure that is the point, either.  I am not sure I can do such things.  But the hope is that understandings, at a bit of a level so as to function, can be... expressed.

The girls are good.  They were quite happy to see poppa.  All I had for them was a bit of vocal greeting, some petting and scratching, and easily not being grumpy at their clamoring.  My little ladies, for their part, were quite happy to see me.  They weren't quite sure.  Sam, the bold and friendly, had to look me over, listen for a bit, sniff around, and even then she approached with caution.  Well, she probably knew right away.  Like any woman, cat or know, feeling abandoned, she may have simply held a bit of reserve.  Short lived, but she let me know I was bad?

Today?  I got the bike off, right away, thinking that would allow me to back into the garage.  Not so much.  Oh, no, the bike came off with no fuss.  But the stuff on top has to come out of the carrier, then the carrier has to be removed before the Xt'er will fit the space.  That would be my first move, should I move in that direction yet today.  I do not know if that will happen.  I honestly need a little time to adjust, to get back on medication, and to... figure out my life back and here in the cave.  Aye, and I need a bit of rest.  Have no doubt that I spent every penny of my accumulated life energy, and then some, in this endeavor.  If you find another man who has the potential to be on the heart transplant list who can do these things I should very much like to meet him.  A woman?  More so, if she did this solo, not if she was dragged along or pampered.  I do need... rest... coolness... sitting... something.  The burn needs to be excised, though I may just push when most of my reset conditions are met and let that tend to itself over time.

No, I will try to push through with unloading the carrier today.  I will then work on restoring order to my castle, in an ongoing set of small task groups, resting much, over the next few days.  By Monday I hope to be in condition, along with the cave, to begin processing the load in the X.  I did bother with the cooler already, not wanting things to go bad and smell bad.  Yes, a plan.  A true plan?  I won't know until it is time.  Hmm, a song... yes... a tune that was on my mind while in the heat and dust and sun.  Later.

Home.

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I rolled in a bit before 1:30, even remembering to check my mail before ending the day.  I woke at about 6:00 this morning.  Shaving, showering, dressing, then off to breakfast.  I was at 65 mph, leaving Flagstaff, before 7:30.  I did stop at the proposed camp site, near the Grand Canyon National Park.  It is open, easy enough to access even with an RV, assuming it hasn't rained to recently or heavily.  That ate about three and a half to four hours.  As well, I did not see the exit to Utah 9.  By the time I realized my mistake I was low enough on gas that turning around, since there had been no gas stations for some very long time, was not possible.  I ended up taking I-70 East over to Utah 6, then up to I-15 that way.  Between those two things, a ten hour drive... was extended.

Tired to be sure.  It wasn't just the drive.  Of course.

Burning Man.

I survived.  Actually, finding if I could was, for me, three quarters of the reason for going.  Well, and to find out if I could survive if I could enjoy myself, at least a bit, in the interim.  As it turned out I enjoyed myself quite a bit.  It was easy to socialize, among other things.  I had thought myself both able, and amenable to civil affairs.  But with no real practice in... ages... I could not swear to it.  For my part, I enjoyed that.  When it wasn't too hot or I wasn't too tired.  I would say that between those things, a third of the rest of the time was open for discussions and involvements.  Ah, the other thing.  Yes, I was able to stay celibate.  Never to worry, I had... several opportunities.  I was so focused on maintaining my convictions, however, that I passed on some potentially promising contacts.  There were several decently attired, attractive, younger women who showed interest.  I don't know if they might have fit the profile I have compiled, having not explored, let alone whether their interest was merely academic or if it was... actionable.  However, from a number of things, I believe there is potential to find a woman even at such a place.

Oh, well, I enjoyed the interactions.  I cannot say others, including my camping partner, did.  I have discussed the possibility that I am immature, in a way.  From a number of factors in my life to simply not being out in the world I have not been... potty-social trained.  I say what I will.  Then again, I do not think I would change that.  While my friend was certainly more... diplomatic... he missed opportunities and had to be elusive, in my opinion.  As well... that is so... delta? gamma?  Something.  I think he hates me, sort of, now.  Though it might have been from advising him but holding a specific piece of my suspicions back, something he might have wanted to capitalize upon.  Which *shoot me* is precisely why I withheld it.  Can't be sure, suspect.  I hope a few days, weeks, or even months from now, he will be over it.  He has bigger worries though so I understand if he is too busy.

While I would like to go back, I am pretty sure I cannot do it alone.  I am not sure he wishes to go again, with me.  Further, he may not be able to go again.  Complications.  Time will tell.

Being rigged for minor camping though, I may begin to explore this area, for now.  I survived, with help.  Time to see if I can survive on my own.  I won't be as fast setting up.  I may or may not be all that active around camp.  Though with higher elevations on my side, perhaps it will be cool enough to do even more, in the way of hiking, fishing, or... whatever else is available.  Yet this year?  I just don't know.  I need a day, or two, or week, to decompress, clean, sort, and store my goods, gear, and self.

I will try to get the pictures and that story up soon.  I told you, I write what I think.  I may also have suggested I say just the same.  No secrets, if perhaps some hurt feelings?  That isn't the intent.  I'll write a bit more tomorrow. 

Good night.

Almost there.

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In Fallon, Nevada, about a three hour drive from BMan.  A stop at D.C.'s, then a stop between there and here.  A night of sleep and out the door at about 3:00 should get us in in time to set up before the heat of the day.  It is only 88 outside, here anyway.  That seems to be the temp at BRC, where we are going, from what I have seen.  Little things had been forgotten.  And big things.  Water has been tended, though it was better that we took care of that here rather than on the way.  The weight of things was more than what was suspected and we are... at the vehicle and trailer capacity, nearly, before adding potable water.  We did that just here at this stop.  We also bought several chairs and he had a table or two. 

The long days have finally gotten to me.  But we have arrived early enough to sleep long and well.  We will need it.

The overhead shade structure weighs 250 itself.  Putting it up immediately is the priority.  Then the tents.  I figure if we work together, go slow enough, and drink water, we should be fine.  Probably an early one tomorrow then on to... figuring out what this is all about.  This may be my last post? until I am home, or on the way home.

Be well.