.
.
I must admit, I do watch cooking shows. Actually, from time to time, I would cook a truly marvelous meal. Actually, I cooked supper five nights a week, more if I was feeling up to it. She was required to do the dishes, if I would help from time to time. And both of us did the shopping. I couldn't trust her to buy the correct brands, so some of the things that lasted longer I could buy, and veggies once in a while so as not to get organics. Don't trust them.
Cooking is easy. The most intricate of items simply require paying attention. The real trick is getting several different dishes, cooked at different speeds and temps, to all be done at the right time and get those served while still hot. With enough of the variables tended, I could easily still cook more often.
Of course, some things are simply beyond my budget. Duck confit, for example. It is simple enough. But duck fat, rendered, costs about a dollar an ounce. Imagine 32 ounces of the stuff, which is about what you need to make the dish. I suppose you could strain it, and reuse it, for a while. But duck itself is expensive. My guess is, this dish was cooked by peasants, once in a great while, when enough duck lard had been rendered from other cooking, and as... a poor man's delight. Actually, most of the French style cooking was more akin to what people who starve do to enjoy their food more. Very small servings, but many of them. Just a theory, mind you... From a guy who often starves when left to his own devices.
Oh... just thinking of food. Thanksgiving dinner reminds me of how hungry I can get. I've had odd foods, lately, off and on. What I can make, I do. But... I'm slowly running out of things, having been mucking around with medicine for so long. Remind me to never fall off it again. Though... we know it will happen. Actually, my father, the one I claim, had heart problems. My mother, in that family, jumped through hoops to keep him on his medication. I never quite understood the... horror she would go through when she realized he had missed a dose, and the efforts she sometimes went through to give him his medicine. Calling a friend, to get a ride, to go a hundred miles even once, plus having to figure out how to get someone to watch over me, or did she trust me? It was an iffy thing, for her, that last... plus there were obligations, since I was a foster child. Anyway, now I understand. And I know, now, how hard it was for my father to continue to take them.
I really need to figure things out. The problem is, is that I can't just figure them out. Every day, for the rest of my life, I am simply going to have to fight to just stay above ground. It seems to take a lot more than what I have seen to kill me, so I don't have much choice. I'm almost stuck in life. No complaints, finally, once I realized how things worked and started going in the right direction. I suppose, like a fish in a flood. Just face upstream even if you lose ground more than you take ground. It might seem like you are dead but... not yet. Oh, and watch for boulders, tree trunks, and perhaps even Doom. I always wondered if I ran over any poor fish, just trying to survive, in my white-water event. :)
Duck confit for dinner. Fresh, hand caught, trout sushima for lunch, while I'm at it. I can dream.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Well... The turkey, et al, died, but the rest of us made out well, so now what?
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.
Post holiday is sometimes the rocky part, sometimes the easy part. I would like to say that has to do with a personality type, but I can't quite do that. I have seen that change, in my life, through the aging process, but also depending on what part of the thing I was involved with and what demands were made shortly after. If, for example, I was on the pre-season cleanup crew, the cook or one of them, or the break down crew, or just a participant, has had something to do with with post season reaction. Whether it was one day off, then back to the grind, as on submarines, also played a part. Being alone or being with family and friends the whole time also played a part, but not always as common thought might suggest, not always.
Yes, foolish thoughts, considerations, constantly interrupt my life. Some threads I follow for miles, years, others go a short distance and are abandoned. I do note, however, that even threads that are abandoned can be picked up, even years, decades, later, as if I had never left off. Sometimes the old idea is simply updated, sometimes it leads into new area of thought. Just a note. This topic? I keep reviewing it. Not every holiday season, just one or two a year. Why? Ah. Because.
This year, while living alone for the most part, and going through fits trying to increase my medication which keeps me less social on top of things, but having a fine meal and good company for the day itself, I have had no problems with the season. Then again, if I hadn't been invited to a Thanksgiving meal I would not have known it was coming, that it happened, or that it had past. I guess being numb and a bit lost at least doesn't double the standard troubles of life on top of it, mostly. So it's not a usual year, mostly. Still, I got a mild hit of it.
After being invited, I did start thinking. And then a call to my mother after the fine meal, and I did get that little melancholy hit. It remains today, just a bit. While there is something about missing people, it is more than that. It is about a life lead, people known, and now gone, one way or another, places and events. I have had holiday meals with more people than most people could imagine. Beside having seven dads, three moms, and many family type settings, with cousins and uncles and family friends in those settings beyond what some could think possible, I have been a traveler as an adult, and traveled far and wide. With Roman emperors and pagan kings, with peasants and at least one priest, with the rich and the truly poor, I have found celebrations with many people. Good? Bad? People are just people, wrong as they might be, who do, sometimes questionable things as they believe they must. Only kings lack mud all about them. But all save one King, where they lack mud, they have the blood of many. Even the one King was graced with His own blood.
It is the people I miss. How could I know all of them? I ask, how can I not. And yet... missing them is not a regret. I would not care much for myself if so many were not considered precious memories. I continue, to this day, to add people to the roll call of Doom. I am glad for it. Tears simply being the price of one of the joys in life. Through them, I get some idea of why God calls, what He wants, and who He speaks of and to when He walked and when He called others to write. After years of cynicism, I understand why. Because you are precious. Now, scoot.
.
Post holiday is sometimes the rocky part, sometimes the easy part. I would like to say that has to do with a personality type, but I can't quite do that. I have seen that change, in my life, through the aging process, but also depending on what part of the thing I was involved with and what demands were made shortly after. If, for example, I was on the pre-season cleanup crew, the cook or one of them, or the break down crew, or just a participant, has had something to do with with post season reaction. Whether it was one day off, then back to the grind, as on submarines, also played a part. Being alone or being with family and friends the whole time also played a part, but not always as common thought might suggest, not always.
Yes, foolish thoughts, considerations, constantly interrupt my life. Some threads I follow for miles, years, others go a short distance and are abandoned. I do note, however, that even threads that are abandoned can be picked up, even years, decades, later, as if I had never left off. Sometimes the old idea is simply updated, sometimes it leads into new area of thought. Just a note. This topic? I keep reviewing it. Not every holiday season, just one or two a year. Why? Ah. Because.
This year, while living alone for the most part, and going through fits trying to increase my medication which keeps me less social on top of things, but having a fine meal and good company for the day itself, I have had no problems with the season. Then again, if I hadn't been invited to a Thanksgiving meal I would not have known it was coming, that it happened, or that it had past. I guess being numb and a bit lost at least doesn't double the standard troubles of life on top of it, mostly. So it's not a usual year, mostly. Still, I got a mild hit of it.
After being invited, I did start thinking. And then a call to my mother after the fine meal, and I did get that little melancholy hit. It remains today, just a bit. While there is something about missing people, it is more than that. It is about a life lead, people known, and now gone, one way or another, places and events. I have had holiday meals with more people than most people could imagine. Beside having seven dads, three moms, and many family type settings, with cousins and uncles and family friends in those settings beyond what some could think possible, I have been a traveler as an adult, and traveled far and wide. With Roman emperors and pagan kings, with peasants and at least one priest, with the rich and the truly poor, I have found celebrations with many people. Good? Bad? People are just people, wrong as they might be, who do, sometimes questionable things as they believe they must. Only kings lack mud all about them. But all save one King, where they lack mud, they have the blood of many. Even the one King was graced with His own blood.
It is the people I miss. How could I know all of them? I ask, how can I not. And yet... missing them is not a regret. I would not care much for myself if so many were not considered precious memories. I continue, to this day, to add people to the roll call of Doom. I am glad for it. Tears simply being the price of one of the joys in life. Through them, I get some idea of why God calls, what He wants, and who He speaks of and to when He walked and when He called others to write. After years of cynicism, I understand why. Because you are precious. Now, scoot.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving, one of those every day holidays.
.
.
Oh, certainly, a specific day to remember and be grateful. I would not begrudge that. I just believe that every day, or at least on any potential day, and frequently, we should go through our inventory in life and realize how good many of us have it. Rich, poor, middlings, bright, slow, tall, short, even those who are having troubles in life should easily be able to find things that are working out for them. Just that you draw breath means you have moments to consider or reconsider.
While I have a mumbling mouth full of fight in me, from time to time, regarding this or that, I am quite pleased with what I do have. Finally on the right course of treatment for the right problem... Finally in a home, with activities at least in the work, and many actually done, if not in great haste or any surety ever. Family, friends, a couple of cats, a vehicle, a little spending money, and a place to spout off about whatever might be troubling me. While it could be better it definitely could be worse. I have seen worse in my own life and seen worse still in other people's lives. No, I've got much to be thankful regarding.
A neighboring family has invited me to their Thanksgiving feast. I asked if I could bring anything, but that was turned down cold. Oh, I understand. Families here are large. And enough food has been made for, well, many. Anything I could bring would be just an oddity, and unnecessary. Well, and as a bachelor who lives in a cave, possibly questionable. Hey, I can eat it but... yeah... All good. I will get in a shower, air dry a bit, and be read shortly. I can't remember if it is at 13:00 or 14:00 though, so I best rush, and perhaps call at about the 12:50 mark, which would give me enough time to make a timely appearance either way.
I hope you are doing something, even if just relaxing. Grateful to work, but grateful for time off as well. Happy Thanksgiving.
.
Oh, certainly, a specific day to remember and be grateful. I would not begrudge that. I just believe that every day, or at least on any potential day, and frequently, we should go through our inventory in life and realize how good many of us have it. Rich, poor, middlings, bright, slow, tall, short, even those who are having troubles in life should easily be able to find things that are working out for them. Just that you draw breath means you have moments to consider or reconsider.
While I have a mumbling mouth full of fight in me, from time to time, regarding this or that, I am quite pleased with what I do have. Finally on the right course of treatment for the right problem... Finally in a home, with activities at least in the work, and many actually done, if not in great haste or any surety ever. Family, friends, a couple of cats, a vehicle, a little spending money, and a place to spout off about whatever might be troubling me. While it could be better it definitely could be worse. I have seen worse in my own life and seen worse still in other people's lives. No, I've got much to be thankful regarding.
A neighboring family has invited me to their Thanksgiving feast. I asked if I could bring anything, but that was turned down cold. Oh, I understand. Families here are large. And enough food has been made for, well, many. Anything I could bring would be just an oddity, and unnecessary. Well, and as a bachelor who lives in a cave, possibly questionable. Hey, I can eat it but... yeah... All good. I will get in a shower, air dry a bit, and be read shortly. I can't remember if it is at 13:00 or 14:00 though, so I best rush, and perhaps call at about the 12:50 mark, which would give me enough time to make a timely appearance either way.
I hope you are doing something, even if just relaxing. Grateful to work, but grateful for time off as well. Happy Thanksgiving.
Veterans! Do not go the the V.A. for mental health "services".
.
.
No pain, mind you. Not this time, or for now. But this has sure been a long haul getting back on medication, trying to get things done before doing that, and mucking it all up trying to go too fast on starting them. At least I survived the push. Hey, take what you can get in some venues. I am doing this on my own. Despite what the doctors tell me, I know the medication exacerbates the problems, greatly. And I am all of 99% positive "the problems"(tm) are heart related. I don't know where these people went to school, but I doubt if I want to know.
Their job might be health in their area, but it is also as sales reps for as many other V.A. services, especially the dying ones like psychology, as they can push. Returning vets have been warned off of V.A. services, in these areas, because those services are used as a club against veterans. To try to cut them off from the world socially, through stigma, and even legally. I was not properly warned. This new generation seems to have gotten and are following up and taking seriously, the warning to stay away from the V.A. mental health system. Go to a local mental health clinic, if you must. Find a "doctor" you can trust. Private "doctors" can't, so far, turn your sessions into a legal club to deny you your constitutional rights, as the V.A. can and does. And did to me, in spite of the fact that I don't have problems in that area, just a political belief system they don't like. I believe in America, or the America I knew once. Not this socialist monster it has become.
I will use medical treatment that works, and to my advantage. I will not grant it any authority it doesn't deserve, I will not be forced into anything, and I will speak the truth about what the V.A. is and does. I know psychology cannot help, I gave it over a decade to do so and it couldn't, didn't even try. If I had to guess, I would say it's job was to keep me disabled. Finally, understanding how bad my heart is, regardless of the fact that I outperform almost all at my level of illness, I understand what the problem was and remains, and am working on it. Never again will I be defrauded by false promises of care they can't perform, the bureaucratic malfeasance of that union system and the parts of it that are merely in existence to self perpetuate it's own employment and financial gains at the cost to myself and others. You are merely a guinea pig for some of their programs. How is that for clearing up some fog? I suppose you can say it did help clear up the fog, in some areas, but at a hefty cost to myself. Then again, getting bitten by a dog will also clear up the notion of whether to try to pet a strange dog. It doesn't fix the tetanus you might get from it, if you weren't covered for that though.
V.A. mental health services are an outright trap to defraud U.S. veterans of their constitution rights and manliness. Nothing more, nothing less. In this case, they lost. I will use the remaining services to treat what is wrong, leaving the rest to rot and die in infamy. Hitler, the left, and Stalin would be proud of the work of the V.A. mental health in helping to disarm the very people who should be armed in America... the guys who believe in rule of law, who believe in people making their own choices sans government interference, and the guys who shoot straight literally and figuratively. In other words, the guys the bad guys should, and do, fear. Finis.
.
No pain, mind you. Not this time, or for now. But this has sure been a long haul getting back on medication, trying to get things done before doing that, and mucking it all up trying to go too fast on starting them. At least I survived the push. Hey, take what you can get in some venues. I am doing this on my own. Despite what the doctors tell me, I know the medication exacerbates the problems, greatly. And I am all of 99% positive "the problems"(tm) are heart related. I don't know where these people went to school, but I doubt if I want to know.
Their job might be health in their area, but it is also as sales reps for as many other V.A. services, especially the dying ones like psychology, as they can push. Returning vets have been warned off of V.A. services, in these areas, because those services are used as a club against veterans. To try to cut them off from the world socially, through stigma, and even legally. I was not properly warned. This new generation seems to have gotten and are following up and taking seriously, the warning to stay away from the V.A. mental health system. Go to a local mental health clinic, if you must. Find a "doctor" you can trust. Private "doctors" can't, so far, turn your sessions into a legal club to deny you your constitutional rights, as the V.A. can and does. And did to me, in spite of the fact that I don't have problems in that area, just a political belief system they don't like. I believe in America, or the America I knew once. Not this socialist monster it has become.
I will use medical treatment that works, and to my advantage. I will not grant it any authority it doesn't deserve, I will not be forced into anything, and I will speak the truth about what the V.A. is and does. I know psychology cannot help, I gave it over a decade to do so and it couldn't, didn't even try. If I had to guess, I would say it's job was to keep me disabled. Finally, understanding how bad my heart is, regardless of the fact that I outperform almost all at my level of illness, I understand what the problem was and remains, and am working on it. Never again will I be defrauded by false promises of care they can't perform, the bureaucratic malfeasance of that union system and the parts of it that are merely in existence to self perpetuate it's own employment and financial gains at the cost to myself and others. You are merely a guinea pig for some of their programs. How is that for clearing up some fog? I suppose you can say it did help clear up the fog, in some areas, but at a hefty cost to myself. Then again, getting bitten by a dog will also clear up the notion of whether to try to pet a strange dog. It doesn't fix the tetanus you might get from it, if you weren't covered for that though.
V.A. mental health services are an outright trap to defraud U.S. veterans of their constitution rights and manliness. Nothing more, nothing less. In this case, they lost. I will use the remaining services to treat what is wrong, leaving the rest to rot and die in infamy. Hitler, the left, and Stalin would be proud of the work of the V.A. mental health in helping to disarm the very people who should be armed in America... the guys who believe in rule of law, who believe in people making their own choices sans government interference, and the guys who shoot straight literally and figuratively. In other words, the guys the bad guys should, and do, fear. Finis.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
They are...
.
.
Coming to take me away. Haha They are coming to take me away. Hoho...
Idiot doctors. They consider my fogginess a psych issue, saying it has nothing to do with the heart, even at end stage heart failure? Really? What kind of idiots are these people. I looked around the waiting room, after having to, again, again, again, validate, that, yes indeed I do have an appointment with the heart transplant clinic. That broad can't remember a face she has seen, and questioned about signing in, at least a dozen times? Really? That is a serious lack of recall, worse even than mine! Send HER to psych!
Oh, right. I looked around the waiting room. There were three other guys my age. Their hearts couldn't be in worse shape. All of them being towed around by a wife. All of them on oxygen. Really? And, what, these guys cook for themselves, clean, and take care? I doubt if one of them even drove to the clinic, let alone could learn calculus, diffy q, or take calculus based physics! Foggy? Of course I'm foggy. My damned heart doesn't work and I don't have anyone to feed me the pills, and that is only a problem when I fall off them. The nurse (practitioner) asked me about psych, so I pretty much, politely, told her to blow. So, she brings in the doc, one I haven't met before. As if he would have a chance. I told him to blow AND choke. I don't deal with quacks, pseudo sciences, or the incompetent. I'm not sure which psychology/psychiatry fits better, but I think it could easily be 100% of each.
I work on a simple principle. Either something works, or it does not work. How someone feels makes zero difference, unless we are discussing mechanical pain that needs to be alleviated. Bottom line, do either of those pseudo sciences do anything to get people back to work, to function, to health, or do they not. In my case, beside ignoring my real health issue and treating it, their medicines merely numbing my understanding of what was wrong, they didn't see me one ounce more functional. As such, and given that they missed a clear, obvious, and severe medical condition, I discount them wholesale... retail too I suppose, or whatever floats your boat.
If you want to be mentally healthy, engage with people, take care of yourself and your duties, enjoy your life rightly, and tend what is wrong physically and spiritually. Psychology is dead to both the physical and the spiritual. It is a gross encroach on what it doesn't understand, can't fix, and doesn't care about... the client. They are in it to sell pills or charge talking time. I would have better luck going to a fortune teller or phrenologist. Some of them believe what they are doing as well, and probably have a better scientific grounding to boot... somehow.
No, the heart medicine, when it is at level, does an excellent job. If he is telling the truth, and other patients don't share these problems with the medication, I would guess he doesn't serve many breeds, or breeds like me. They are just starting to finally figure out that not every species of man is the same. They don't all react the same to medication, they don't all behave the same to other stimulus. They are beginning to go beyond political correctness, if dreadfully, painfully, slowly. Most medical and other academics are the true knuckle-draggers, refusing to understand what they are seeing right in front of them. Perhaps, someday, they will not only agree to reality, but begin exploring it. Bleh.
Bp was high, when I got there. I was able to bring it down with a little rest of the eyes. But it still isn't quite where it should be. Blood syrum is still elevated but... one thing at a time. I didn't get much else done today. A new phone, but I shouldn't have had to pay for it, being that they have been well overpaid. But they could only use some of the over-balance, or so the manager said. Still, I was able to get the phone and the peripherals I wanted, and they still owe me over $400. It's the Samsung Galaxy Note III. I just like that it is the biggest phablet on the market. It's still small in my hand, a bit, but... It's as good as it gets. Car charger, battery charge pack, headsets, a case I can live with, and a warranty with virus protection.
I then stopped for a bite to eat. A Mexican joint, but a better one. I wasn't sure about the hottest of choices, but after asking a few questions I did go for it. No hotter than my habanero sauce, and I got some on the side to sample. Perfect, actually. I think the lass that answered my questions, and then brought me some, thought I had over-maneuvered and would regret it. She was in stunned silence as I chowed down with nary a complaint, or request for milk, just consuming my tea at my usual pace. My guess is it is too hot for her. Well, and she saw a gringo, not Doom. :) I needed it. Their hot sauce, like mine, is really only a medium heat for my pallet. That said, I think I have decided medium is good enough. I'm not going to mess with anything hotter. I just don't feel the need to test it, push it, or such. It works. No heartburn, no reflux, I didn't even boil over and start to sweat. Okay, my hot sauce, that I make, is probably a touch hotter. So... there. Like I woman, I underestimate what I can do. Like a man, I test it. It's a trick that throws people, especially chiquita who think they are so smart. :) Ah, but it was cute, watching her expect a fail only to see me sail right through. Yum!
Later!
.
Coming to take me away. Haha They are coming to take me away. Hoho...
Idiot doctors. They consider my fogginess a psych issue, saying it has nothing to do with the heart, even at end stage heart failure? Really? What kind of idiots are these people. I looked around the waiting room, after having to, again, again, again, validate, that, yes indeed I do have an appointment with the heart transplant clinic. That broad can't remember a face she has seen, and questioned about signing in, at least a dozen times? Really? That is a serious lack of recall, worse even than mine! Send HER to psych!
Oh, right. I looked around the waiting room. There were three other guys my age. Their hearts couldn't be in worse shape. All of them being towed around by a wife. All of them on oxygen. Really? And, what, these guys cook for themselves, clean, and take care? I doubt if one of them even drove to the clinic, let alone could learn calculus, diffy q, or take calculus based physics! Foggy? Of course I'm foggy. My damned heart doesn't work and I don't have anyone to feed me the pills, and that is only a problem when I fall off them. The nurse (practitioner) asked me about psych, so I pretty much, politely, told her to blow. So, she brings in the doc, one I haven't met before. As if he would have a chance. I told him to blow AND choke. I don't deal with quacks, pseudo sciences, or the incompetent. I'm not sure which psychology/psychiatry fits better, but I think it could easily be 100% of each.
I work on a simple principle. Either something works, or it does not work. How someone feels makes zero difference, unless we are discussing mechanical pain that needs to be alleviated. Bottom line, do either of those pseudo sciences do anything to get people back to work, to function, to health, or do they not. In my case, beside ignoring my real health issue and treating it, their medicines merely numbing my understanding of what was wrong, they didn't see me one ounce more functional. As such, and given that they missed a clear, obvious, and severe medical condition, I discount them wholesale... retail too I suppose, or whatever floats your boat.
If you want to be mentally healthy, engage with people, take care of yourself and your duties, enjoy your life rightly, and tend what is wrong physically and spiritually. Psychology is dead to both the physical and the spiritual. It is a gross encroach on what it doesn't understand, can't fix, and doesn't care about... the client. They are in it to sell pills or charge talking time. I would have better luck going to a fortune teller or phrenologist. Some of them believe what they are doing as well, and probably have a better scientific grounding to boot... somehow.
No, the heart medicine, when it is at level, does an excellent job. If he is telling the truth, and other patients don't share these problems with the medication, I would guess he doesn't serve many breeds, or breeds like me. They are just starting to finally figure out that not every species of man is the same. They don't all react the same to medication, they don't all behave the same to other stimulus. They are beginning to go beyond political correctness, if dreadfully, painfully, slowly. Most medical and other academics are the true knuckle-draggers, refusing to understand what they are seeing right in front of them. Perhaps, someday, they will not only agree to reality, but begin exploring it. Bleh.
Bp was high, when I got there. I was able to bring it down with a little rest of the eyes. But it still isn't quite where it should be. Blood syrum is still elevated but... one thing at a time. I didn't get much else done today. A new phone, but I shouldn't have had to pay for it, being that they have been well overpaid. But they could only use some of the over-balance, or so the manager said. Still, I was able to get the phone and the peripherals I wanted, and they still owe me over $400. It's the Samsung Galaxy Note III. I just like that it is the biggest phablet on the market. It's still small in my hand, a bit, but... It's as good as it gets. Car charger, battery charge pack, headsets, a case I can live with, and a warranty with virus protection.
I then stopped for a bite to eat. A Mexican joint, but a better one. I wasn't sure about the hottest of choices, but after asking a few questions I did go for it. No hotter than my habanero sauce, and I got some on the side to sample. Perfect, actually. I think the lass that answered my questions, and then brought me some, thought I had over-maneuvered and would regret it. She was in stunned silence as I chowed down with nary a complaint, or request for milk, just consuming my tea at my usual pace. My guess is it is too hot for her. Well, and she saw a gringo, not Doom. :) I needed it. Their hot sauce, like mine, is really only a medium heat for my pallet. That said, I think I have decided medium is good enough. I'm not going to mess with anything hotter. I just don't feel the need to test it, push it, or such. It works. No heartburn, no reflux, I didn't even boil over and start to sweat. Okay, my hot sauce, that I make, is probably a touch hotter. So... there. Like I woman, I underestimate what I can do. Like a man, I test it. It's a trick that throws people, especially chiquita who think they are so smart. :) Ah, but it was cute, watching her expect a fail only to see me sail right through. Yum!
Later!
Before the alarm, in spite of little sleep.
.
.
I would like to say it is because I believe this clinic is the only medical hope that has panned out. While that has some weight, lends it's gravitas toward my efforts, that isn't enough. Sometimes my body works better or doesn't seem to work at all. I just happen to be able to at least swing at the ball yesterday, today, and probably tomorrow. Whether I connect or not will depend on if I can actually make it there on time. No matter my will, or even my consciousness and awareness with proximity to an event, whether I make it, even now, is a more finely crafted test from reality than any final I took in mathematics, physics, or other topic. My mind and body have to both be working in at least a minimum configuration. Those finals I took before were dependent upon study. The test I take getting to the hospital cannot be known, learned, studied so as to be known, in advance. Every single event, outside my home, even a trip to the store, is a test. At least having some sorts of days and nights, in regular time, has become almost normal, once medicine has been maximized, if that slips from time to time.
I had almost let judging slide, if not by will rather than not having awareness. Still, I didn't. While it was late Tuesday, that is within my preferred schedule, just no later. And I just happened to catch it. I'll take a last minute save over being a day late, or a week... but I do understand. I'll take coming in just on target. Even if it wasn't, perhaps, my best work. It also wasn't my worst. I remember at least one time where I merely judged. No encouragement, no attempt to frame and serve the thing, just words. I know, not many do what I do, but people out there have real lives. People, places, events, schedules, bosses, people to be taught and guided professionally, husbands, wives, pets, other hobbies, the rest. This, for me, regarding people, other than a visit every few months with a doc, and weekly visits with the neighbors(tm), are it for... duties. Other than trying to do, and often failing, the very minimums in life on my own. So... I have time. Lots of it needs to be at least sitting. At least I don't sleep like I used to have to sleep. Ever heard of the Sleeping Jesus*? How about the sleeping grumpy Jesus? So, with so much time needed with my bottom planted, I have the time to put in some effort. Haiku has become my virtual flower garden. :p
*Don't worry your pretty head. I am claiming no such thing, merely, chuckling at the cluckle-headed herd that dares even say such a thing... well, and poking a stick in my own eye while I'm at it. If you can't laugh at yourself, pick someone else. But... why not laugh at everybody all at once, self included? Call it a chuckle pot pie casserole. Saves on psyche dishes! :)
A little music was needed as I wake. Well, needed? Wanted. I just need that extra little bit to help. The alarm would be going off just right now. I've already had a bit of coffee and am almost 'feeling it' already. But... I need just a touch more. Oh, and yeah... I think I absolutely astound the doctors. I know I keep saying that, but every new doc I face, I get a facefull of it. Some of them don't like it, at all. They know I have ridden a line that isn't supposed to be possible. Well, and coupled with my completely politically incorrect notions, I am, to the practicing gentry, a monster as if I walked off a werewolf set but kept some part of it. Some of them are pulling for me to die, don't know why I haven't. Some of them hope I make it. Not sure what form it might take today. At least the regulars have become polite, some of them even started out that way, mostly. People in my condition really usually don't last long, not even as long as they have been seeing me. I guess I can't blame them for not believing this was and has been the problem for 25 years. It's... unpossible! :)
Life can be difficult. But there are little and big things to smile about on almost any given day. Even if I can be grumpy, or some suggest. Pointing out that a tree is taller than a house, however, is not a slight, or other facts. It is only in a population where feelings are given precedents to reality that someone such as I finds himself on the outs with civil polity. Then again, I like pulling some of those strings anyway. Thankfully, I don't even have to work at it. Just by continuing to breath I am a dig at it. I can't do this forever, but I can do it far longer than most suspect. I like doing it too... finally. :)
Later.
.
I would like to say it is because I believe this clinic is the only medical hope that has panned out. While that has some weight, lends it's gravitas toward my efforts, that isn't enough. Sometimes my body works better or doesn't seem to work at all. I just happen to be able to at least swing at the ball yesterday, today, and probably tomorrow. Whether I connect or not will depend on if I can actually make it there on time. No matter my will, or even my consciousness and awareness with proximity to an event, whether I make it, even now, is a more finely crafted test from reality than any final I took in mathematics, physics, or other topic. My mind and body have to both be working in at least a minimum configuration. Those finals I took before were dependent upon study. The test I take getting to the hospital cannot be known, learned, studied so as to be known, in advance. Every single event, outside my home, even a trip to the store, is a test. At least having some sorts of days and nights, in regular time, has become almost normal, once medicine has been maximized, if that slips from time to time.
I had almost let judging slide, if not by will rather than not having awareness. Still, I didn't. While it was late Tuesday, that is within my preferred schedule, just no later. And I just happened to catch it. I'll take a last minute save over being a day late, or a week... but I do understand. I'll take coming in just on target. Even if it wasn't, perhaps, my best work. It also wasn't my worst. I remember at least one time where I merely judged. No encouragement, no attempt to frame and serve the thing, just words. I know, not many do what I do, but people out there have real lives. People, places, events, schedules, bosses, people to be taught and guided professionally, husbands, wives, pets, other hobbies, the rest. This, for me, regarding people, other than a visit every few months with a doc, and weekly visits with the neighbors(tm), are it for... duties. Other than trying to do, and often failing, the very minimums in life on my own. So... I have time. Lots of it needs to be at least sitting. At least I don't sleep like I used to have to sleep. Ever heard of the Sleeping Jesus*? How about the sleeping grumpy Jesus? So, with so much time needed with my bottom planted, I have the time to put in some effort. Haiku has become my virtual flower garden. :p
*Don't worry your pretty head. I am claiming no such thing, merely, chuckling at the cluckle-headed herd that dares even say such a thing... well, and poking a stick in my own eye while I'm at it. If you can't laugh at yourself, pick someone else. But... why not laugh at everybody all at once, self included? Call it a chuckle pot pie casserole. Saves on psyche dishes! :)
A little music was needed as I wake. Well, needed? Wanted. I just need that extra little bit to help. The alarm would be going off just right now. I've already had a bit of coffee and am almost 'feeling it' already. But... I need just a touch more. Oh, and yeah... I think I absolutely astound the doctors. I know I keep saying that, but every new doc I face, I get a facefull of it. Some of them don't like it, at all. They know I have ridden a line that isn't supposed to be possible. Well, and coupled with my completely politically incorrect notions, I am, to the practicing gentry, a monster as if I walked off a werewolf set but kept some part of it. Some of them are pulling for me to die, don't know why I haven't. Some of them hope I make it. Not sure what form it might take today. At least the regulars have become polite, some of them even started out that way, mostly. People in my condition really usually don't last long, not even as long as they have been seeing me. I guess I can't blame them for not believing this was and has been the problem for 25 years. It's... unpossible! :)
Life can be difficult. But there are little and big things to smile about on almost any given day. Even if I can be grumpy, or some suggest. Pointing out that a tree is taller than a house, however, is not a slight, or other facts. It is only in a population where feelings are given precedents to reality that someone such as I finds himself on the outs with civil polity. Then again, I like pulling some of those strings anyway. Thankfully, I don't even have to work at it. Just by continuing to breath I am a dig at it. I can't do this forever, but I can do it far longer than most suspect. I like doing it too... finally. :)
Later.
And so it ends, and begins.
.
.
A very nice showing for the contest this week! The regulars and the irregulars were called in and the contest went very well. There is something about the raw power of mother nature that seems to bring something out of us? With tornadoes and hurricanes, perhaps it is a venting of all the bitten tongues we have endured for peace. For volcanoes, all of the hidden anger. For lightning, perhaps the will to action, and possibly terrible consequences, that can seemingly happen in less than an instant. All for good or ill, perhaps. Our savage nature encapsulated by our will to do good, all of it in an odd dance that natural phenomena show but in a larger format than what we can exhibit? Maybe. But the draw is there, it seems.
.
A very nice showing for the contest this week! The regulars and the irregulars were called in and the contest went very well. There is something about the raw power of mother nature that seems to bring something out of us? With tornadoes and hurricanes, perhaps it is a venting of all the bitten tongues we have endured for peace. For volcanoes, all of the hidden anger. For lightning, perhaps the will to action, and possibly terrible consequences, that can seemingly happen in less than an instant. All for good or ill, perhaps. Our savage nature encapsulated by our will to do good, all of it in an odd dance that natural phenomena show but in a larger format than what we can exhibit? Maybe. But the draw is there, it seems.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Finally, a little bit going.
.
.
I finally got to the judging. So tired and out of it lately. It wasn't that the judging was impossible. Oh, it's a task, but a favored one. I love balancing, comparing, reading and rereading, thinking, even discussing within my cranium. I merely get lost of flesh and mind. I... didn't realize time had flown so quickly. Tuesday evening, for me, for this, is quite late. Often I have it done, or close, and ready to publish Tuesday Morning. I often have it completed, save for final judgement (with room for any overnight deliveries to be added to the considerations), with music, most of what I will be saying, and everything. Not this time. Still, I hope it came together well.
Tomorrow I have a very early appointment in SLC. The heart clinic, again. I got a reminder call. Which is good. While I have my alarms, calendar, and smart phone updates, I can still get lost in... what I am lost in... a fog that obscures time, the date, and my relationship to it. My guess is the heart clinic, like no other, knows this aspect of having a bad heart. All I can say is that the calls are... helpful. Hmm, maybe a bit more sleep, setting the alarm, and being out by 5:00 or so.
.
I finally got to the judging. So tired and out of it lately. It wasn't that the judging was impossible. Oh, it's a task, but a favored one. I love balancing, comparing, reading and rereading, thinking, even discussing within my cranium. I merely get lost of flesh and mind. I... didn't realize time had flown so quickly. Tuesday evening, for me, for this, is quite late. Often I have it done, or close, and ready to publish Tuesday Morning. I often have it completed, save for final judgement (with room for any overnight deliveries to be added to the considerations), with music, most of what I will be saying, and everything. Not this time. Still, I hope it came together well.
Tomorrow I have a very early appointment in SLC. The heart clinic, again. I got a reminder call. Which is good. While I have my alarms, calendar, and smart phone updates, I can still get lost in... what I am lost in... a fog that obscures time, the date, and my relationship to it. My guess is the heart clinic, like no other, knows this aspect of having a bad heart. All I can say is that the calls are... helpful. Hmm, maybe a bit more sleep, setting the alarm, and being out by 5:00 or so.
Haiku Monday - Lightning
.
.
It came to me in a flash. Whether you wish to consider it a bolt of, a strike, or some other aspect or concern regarding lightning as well, or just as a figurative notion, all good. Beyond, in all the ways one could contemplate the theme, it is natural. Whether a weather phenomenon, an idea of great import, or a bolt of rage that boils blood, the thing can happen at a moment, without notice, and not truly be something we understand or even craft. At once it can be overpowering, illuminating, even destructive. But, seen from the safety of distance or time, it can be a gorgeous thing.
The rules are simple. Three line poems, with 5-7-5 as the syllable count. Using question marks or "~", "-", or specific 'turn' words for emphasis or to set a change in notions is a fine option but not required. Using a seasonal word to either frame the poem to a date, or indicate the current solar placement, is a fine finial as well. Just reminding what is traditional.
So, show me what you have seen, done, been. Enlighten me, shock me, rock me, and do your best to emulate the notion. To throw one out in order to get the ball rolling, I offer:
.
The rules are simple. Three line poems, with 5-7-5 as the syllable count. Using question marks or "~", "-", or specific 'turn' words for emphasis or to set a change in notions is a fine option but not required. Using a seasonal word to either frame the poem to a date, or indicate the current solar placement, is a fine finial as well. Just reminding what is traditional.
So, show me what you have seen, done, been. Enlighten me, shock me, rock me, and do your best to emulate the notion. To throw one out in order to get the ball rolling, I offer:
in the briefest time
from calm to fix'd and fearless
ears burn'd to a crisp
I've knocked on a lot of doors. Some regulars, some we haven't seen in a while, but not everybody. Just trying to drum up more poetry and a little breath in the contest. If I didn't knock, be here anyway, dang it!
Chirp... chirp? *boom*
.
.
Never le minde.
I am floaty, but good. The flu is gone. I can't do much but I am awake as often as I can be. And I can be often, perhaps too often. My sleep schedule is still a very strange mix of days and nights and afternoons and I have no handle on when or what will happen. It's sort of like when you are very sick with something, only without the suffering and pain. Medicines are very potent, and they really hit me harder than others, at least these kinds. All good though. I keep trying to figure out up from down, night from day, and what I can do, what needs to be done, and such. I've never been able to even try in these states before this last set of attempts. All good, urhm, I think?
I did get a call back from a lady at the V.A. payment center. She seemed a wonderful woman, too. I think she thought I might be mad. And, well, I am. Just not at her. She didn't do this, or fail to do that, she is just the lady handed the problem. I thought the hardest thing dealing with this would be to get approval, since these are so old, back to April of 2010. Oh, sure, I had gotten approval, one way or the other, but that doesn't mean they kept a record of it, or that approval means approval. You just have to work with the government often enough to know that it is rarely clean, neat, good, right, solid, or on task. And, even then, they might pull up some reason to not pay. Time is often something, regardless that it was not me... You know what I mean.
As it turns out, approval, in these cases, meant just that. They were, have been, and remain approved for payment. The problem? No one tried to collect. Either that or... well... there are other options. As is, the conversation went well and she felt bad. I feel bad for her feeling bad about something that wasn't her doing, but appreciated the sentiment. Or, something like that. I'm in a cloud, so thinking straight and writing as fast as I think can lead to... oddities. But I simply can't edit. In any case... that was a very good start to a, hopefully, conclusion to this harassment from creditors and maybe a clearing of my credit report..
She tried to contact the credit collectors, but they couldn't talk to her. At least, not without my permission. So, I had to call him, get permission recorded, call her back, and now wait for the two of them to speak. I think the credit bureau didn't want to get paid, not what the V.A. was willing to pay them. Which, actually, was the hospitals problem. They didn't want a mandated amount. So, they came after me. Thinking they could harass me to death, or get me to surrender and pay them their inflated prices. I hope they choke on the pittance. They charge the uninsured a lot more than the insured, as is. Money, money, money. Criminals, if you ask me.
But, this should be sorted out before long. And... I do get to enjoy socialized titans battle it out. The feds almost always win those fights, when case law and procedure are mandated. Bleh. Later.
.
Never le minde.
I am floaty, but good. The flu is gone. I can't do much but I am awake as often as I can be. And I can be often, perhaps too often. My sleep schedule is still a very strange mix of days and nights and afternoons and I have no handle on when or what will happen. It's sort of like when you are very sick with something, only without the suffering and pain. Medicines are very potent, and they really hit me harder than others, at least these kinds. All good though. I keep trying to figure out up from down, night from day, and what I can do, what needs to be done, and such. I've never been able to even try in these states before this last set of attempts. All good, urhm, I think?
I did get a call back from a lady at the V.A. payment center. She seemed a wonderful woman, too. I think she thought I might be mad. And, well, I am. Just not at her. She didn't do this, or fail to do that, she is just the lady handed the problem. I thought the hardest thing dealing with this would be to get approval, since these are so old, back to April of 2010. Oh, sure, I had gotten approval, one way or the other, but that doesn't mean they kept a record of it, or that approval means approval. You just have to work with the government often enough to know that it is rarely clean, neat, good, right, solid, or on task. And, even then, they might pull up some reason to not pay. Time is often something, regardless that it was not me... You know what I mean.
As it turns out, approval, in these cases, meant just that. They were, have been, and remain approved for payment. The problem? No one tried to collect. Either that or... well... there are other options. As is, the conversation went well and she felt bad. I feel bad for her feeling bad about something that wasn't her doing, but appreciated the sentiment. Or, something like that. I'm in a cloud, so thinking straight and writing as fast as I think can lead to... oddities. But I simply can't edit. In any case... that was a very good start to a, hopefully, conclusion to this harassment from creditors and maybe a clearing of my credit report..
She tried to contact the credit collectors, but they couldn't talk to her. At least, not without my permission. So, I had to call him, get permission recorded, call her back, and now wait for the two of them to speak. I think the credit bureau didn't want to get paid, not what the V.A. was willing to pay them. Which, actually, was the hospitals problem. They didn't want a mandated amount. So, they came after me. Thinking they could harass me to death, or get me to surrender and pay them their inflated prices. I hope they choke on the pittance. They charge the uninsured a lot more than the insured, as is. Money, money, money. Criminals, if you ask me.
But, this should be sorted out before long. And... I do get to enjoy socialized titans battle it out. The feds almost always win those fights, when case law and procedure are mandated. Bleh. Later.
The problem with charity.
.
.
Giving, for the poor, the ill, the widow and her children, and others who have no means of earning an income, is seen as a reasonable thing by many. there is worth to the effort. There is a reason for it. There is also at least one very strong reason against it. Most churches have ignored the problem, even supported the problem, through their work.
The problem is, at one time, it was understood, that the state did a specific set of things and the church did a certain set of things. Further, giving to the church and the state were kept to 10% each, if those were required. Men were taxed 10% by both and it was enforced. Today? How much you pay in taxes can be as much as three to four times that, just on federal taxes. Toss in state taxes, taxes and fees for doing business (you didn't think Verizon or AT&T were paying the tax/fee for Obamaphones, did you), and the rest and we are paying a fortune in taxes, not even including property taxes on automobiles, gasoline, and our homes. The government makes more on a gallon of gasoline than the refiners do!
Churches, many/most/all of them have supported these government moves to redistribute wealth. They did not look over the program well. Essentially, as in Europe, as failing as it eventually is, giving both taxes for what the government does, plus charity for redistribution, to the government, cuts faith out of the market. In Europe, as here, that was part of the intent, and it worked swimmingly in Europe. My church asks that we give 5% to the church and another 5% to various charities of our choice. I have to ask, does the government count? And, where are they asking me to get the 5% I am supposed to give to them. As lower middle class, even though my income is not actually taxed directly, I pay a significant amount in taxes. I am taxed on doing business, get this, with my own government at times!
No, just some thoughts. If your church supports a socialized government, one bound to redistribution, I think you should ask whether by giving so much to the government, do you really need to give to your church. I think churches had best decide whether they believe they can continue to pursue a methodology of forced charity that prices them out of the market, or not. Do they want to just make enough to just preach, without outreach or charity? I am not even sure I can do that. Actually, I don't have much choice. I suppose I could give up having a home, or car? Is that what they are asking? I do wonder if those in charge of most churches aren't actually trying their damnedest to end Christianity... one government charity at a time.
.
Giving, for the poor, the ill, the widow and her children, and others who have no means of earning an income, is seen as a reasonable thing by many. there is worth to the effort. There is a reason for it. There is also at least one very strong reason against it. Most churches have ignored the problem, even supported the problem, through their work.
The problem is, at one time, it was understood, that the state did a specific set of things and the church did a certain set of things. Further, giving to the church and the state were kept to 10% each, if those were required. Men were taxed 10% by both and it was enforced. Today? How much you pay in taxes can be as much as three to four times that, just on federal taxes. Toss in state taxes, taxes and fees for doing business (you didn't think Verizon or AT&T were paying the tax/fee for Obamaphones, did you), and the rest and we are paying a fortune in taxes, not even including property taxes on automobiles, gasoline, and our homes. The government makes more on a gallon of gasoline than the refiners do!
Churches, many/most/all of them have supported these government moves to redistribute wealth. They did not look over the program well. Essentially, as in Europe, as failing as it eventually is, giving both taxes for what the government does, plus charity for redistribution, to the government, cuts faith out of the market. In Europe, as here, that was part of the intent, and it worked swimmingly in Europe. My church asks that we give 5% to the church and another 5% to various charities of our choice. I have to ask, does the government count? And, where are they asking me to get the 5% I am supposed to give to them. As lower middle class, even though my income is not actually taxed directly, I pay a significant amount in taxes. I am taxed on doing business, get this, with my own government at times!
No, just some thoughts. If your church supports a socialized government, one bound to redistribution, I think you should ask whether by giving so much to the government, do you really need to give to your church. I think churches had best decide whether they believe they can continue to pursue a methodology of forced charity that prices them out of the market, or not. Do they want to just make enough to just preach, without outreach or charity? I am not even sure I can do that. Actually, I don't have much choice. I suppose I could give up having a home, or car? Is that what they are asking? I do wonder if those in charge of most churches aren't actually trying their damnedest to end Christianity... one government charity at a time.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Just odd. Numbers, health, life.
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.
Trying to keep track of what kind of visitors I receive is a bit of a hobby. No, I don't track you, or them, or those. I trust because I don't want to know beyond what you say. I probably do see beyond but that's... not by choice. Google Analysis is pretty much useless. Reroutes or outright foreign visitors aren't logged by them. Blogger itself is probably the most accurate, though even it doesn't show the full numbers. How can I tell? I have had 11 visits with 21 comments to the haiku contest. I have done some checks, blogger seriously doesn't count my visits. I know this by viewing old posts to see if they show up in the 'visited' queue. They don't. Even so, not counting my five or six now posts, that still leaves four comments without visitors showing as having visited.
As to foreign visits from Russia, France, China, Canada... I simply don't know. They never show as having visited any of my posts, just my main page perhaps? Usually. Tracking doesn't show all, or allow them to be separated. No, I don't mind one way or the other. This blog is just the ramblings of an odd man out. It isn't written for readers, mostly. A diary of sorts, as deeply as such a thing could go. No, just a hobby of trying to figure out how many actually visit is just an ego thing, curiosity to know who would find it worth reading, and such. Never mind, just... I wish I could find a service that works at counting and being able to see what is being viewed, perhaps generally who is viewing what. I found out how to make it so that I don't count though. Many others have as well. It's in the cookies.
That feeling I have the flu is back. I expected it. I thought it would hit much harder. Perhaps being off them just a short bit this last bounce has made it so going back on carvedilol isn't so bad? Dunno. I've only been having this side effect for a few days, but then last time, when it hit, it hit hard. Hopefully the rest of the side effects I will be going through are weaker, perhaps non-existent. I'll be seeing the docs the middle of this week again, I hope.
Yes, questions. Life doesn't offer answers. You find yourself not knowing something, you do some research, talk to people, then you just have to dig in. Sometimes you create the answers, solutions sets, or reality. It's not easy navigating life, but I am used to this. I've pulled impossible tricks out of invisible hats and just walked on before. Some say I am doing it just by being alive, if I think it is they who are confused on this point. Usually. Decades to live, possibly love... it just isn't over until it is over.
Hmm... A nap I do believe. Hopefully a short one. I ditched the alarm yesterday and almost made it a short nap without it. Almost. This time I do need to be up by mid-afternoon. So... I will set it. I just won't be stingy with sleep. It'll be a firewall, not a nag... Have a great day. Oh, sorry about any misspellings or poor grammar. I just don't have enough left to edit... for now... Yeah. Good day.
.
Trying to keep track of what kind of visitors I receive is a bit of a hobby. No, I don't track you, or them, or those. I trust because I don't want to know beyond what you say. I probably do see beyond but that's... not by choice. Google Analysis is pretty much useless. Reroutes or outright foreign visitors aren't logged by them. Blogger itself is probably the most accurate, though even it doesn't show the full numbers. How can I tell? I have had 11 visits with 21 comments to the haiku contest. I have done some checks, blogger seriously doesn't count my visits. I know this by viewing old posts to see if they show up in the 'visited' queue. They don't. Even so, not counting my five or six now posts, that still leaves four comments without visitors showing as having visited.
As to foreign visits from Russia, France, China, Canada... I simply don't know. They never show as having visited any of my posts, just my main page perhaps? Usually. Tracking doesn't show all, or allow them to be separated. No, I don't mind one way or the other. This blog is just the ramblings of an odd man out. It isn't written for readers, mostly. A diary of sorts, as deeply as such a thing could go. No, just a hobby of trying to figure out how many actually visit is just an ego thing, curiosity to know who would find it worth reading, and such. Never mind, just... I wish I could find a service that works at counting and being able to see what is being viewed, perhaps generally who is viewing what. I found out how to make it so that I don't count though. Many others have as well. It's in the cookies.
That feeling I have the flu is back. I expected it. I thought it would hit much harder. Perhaps being off them just a short bit this last bounce has made it so going back on carvedilol isn't so bad? Dunno. I've only been having this side effect for a few days, but then last time, when it hit, it hit hard. Hopefully the rest of the side effects I will be going through are weaker, perhaps non-existent. I'll be seeing the docs the middle of this week again, I hope.
Yes, questions. Life doesn't offer answers. You find yourself not knowing something, you do some research, talk to people, then you just have to dig in. Sometimes you create the answers, solutions sets, or reality. It's not easy navigating life, but I am used to this. I've pulled impossible tricks out of invisible hats and just walked on before. Some say I am doing it just by being alive, if I think it is they who are confused on this point. Usually. Decades to live, possibly love... it just isn't over until it is over.
Hmm... A nap I do believe. Hopefully a short one. I ditched the alarm yesterday and almost made it a short nap without it. Almost. This time I do need to be up by mid-afternoon. So... I will set it. I just won't be stingy with sleep. It'll be a firewall, not a nag... Have a great day. Oh, sorry about any misspellings or poor grammar. I just don't have enough left to edit... for now... Yeah. Good day.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
The flash of a daydream.
.
.
It came upon me faster than I could understand it. I had just listened to Fade Into You. I was merely sitting here, about to check something online, when I found myself transported to a near future, with her. She had just listened to the song. She asked me what it meant. I told her I could not tell her. Confused by this, she asked why not. I told her that the song, and many things, mean different things to her and me and that she would have to figure out what the song meant to her. Perhaps then we could discuss it. But that the magic of love is that two different people, who understand the same things differently, can join to be one and yet still be two different people.
Hmm? Oh, I still don't know what it meant. And yet... It wasn't that what I said in the daydream isn't something I would have said. It was very much me, in that futureness. It's just that I don't always understand what I seem to know or say, I am just sure, as in this case, that it is true.
A nap, I think. I will try to keep it short though, with the alarm. I don't know if it will work or not. I can only make attempts at things. Later.
.
It came upon me faster than I could understand it. I had just listened to Fade Into You. I was merely sitting here, about to check something online, when I found myself transported to a near future, with her. She had just listened to the song. She asked me what it meant. I told her I could not tell her. Confused by this, she asked why not. I told her that the song, and many things, mean different things to her and me and that she would have to figure out what the song meant to her. Perhaps then we could discuss it. But that the magic of love is that two different people, who understand the same things differently, can join to be one and yet still be two different people.
Hmm? Oh, I still don't know what it meant. And yet... It wasn't that what I said in the daydream isn't something I would have said. It was very much me, in that futureness. It's just that I don't always understand what I seem to know or say, I am just sure, as in this case, that it is true.
A nap, I think. I will try to keep it short though, with the alarm. I don't know if it will work or not. I can only make attempts at things. Later.
Terrified? Doom?
.
.
I can face hell. If God says go, I can, and would. Knowing God, and with faith as I have it, be it His will and He would command such a thing by no other means, I would return... with trophies. The gates of hell would neither keep me out nor bind me within. I do not fear hell, only the sin that would make me bound to it and abandoning God that would be required to be subject to it. But no longer for myself. I have chosen and will not be undone.
.
Friday, November 22, 2013
There is simply only so much I can do.
.
.
My sleep patterns are just off the hook. A "nap" that lasts 7 hours, a sleep that eats 12 hours, staying awake for 20 hours one time, 10 hours the next time. Fine, I knew this was possible. I am tracking days better this time and taking my medication like clockwork... within the oddities of when I am awake anyway. It is give or take, but reasonably so.
The medical debtor called me back. They want me to get some kind of I.D. for payment. I know I won't be able to get that. Still, I am trying to contact someone, at the V.A., who deals with this. After an attempt or two yesterday, I thought I was lucky today. I got through, was put on hold two or three times, then transferred to another line. No one was at that line, merely a message center. I left a message. Any guess at how long it will take for someone to contact me back? The recorded message says that they don't contact people on Monday. I doubt if I will hear anything today. I have taken paperwork in to the V.A., what the hospital offered, and in spite of being either given permission or actually in one case being told to go to the hospital by the nurse, they seem to have no records at the V.A., and suggested what I brought from the hospital was not what I needed but couldn't tell me what I did actually need. Which... is why I backed out of trying to help and told them it was between them. Neither party seems all that interested. It's, for them, a personal problem.
It is just about bedtime again. Just when I think I have jumped to days, everything switches. It's a rough go, but like I said, no pain. I tried to call my mother, as well, just to talk. No dice. Hard to tell what that woman is up to. Work, other work, shopping for herself or someone else, driving someone to medical care, who knows. She might even be napping, if she has had a long haul or isn't feeling well. She has learned to get in a nap on the very rare chance she can and it is needed. Hmm, sort of like me, though with a much more regular schedule generally.
Good night.
.
My sleep patterns are just off the hook. A "nap" that lasts 7 hours, a sleep that eats 12 hours, staying awake for 20 hours one time, 10 hours the next time. Fine, I knew this was possible. I am tracking days better this time and taking my medication like clockwork... within the oddities of when I am awake anyway. It is give or take, but reasonably so.
The medical debtor called me back. They want me to get some kind of I.D. for payment. I know I won't be able to get that. Still, I am trying to contact someone, at the V.A., who deals with this. After an attempt or two yesterday, I thought I was lucky today. I got through, was put on hold two or three times, then transferred to another line. No one was at that line, merely a message center. I left a message. Any guess at how long it will take for someone to contact me back? The recorded message says that they don't contact people on Monday. I doubt if I will hear anything today. I have taken paperwork in to the V.A., what the hospital offered, and in spite of being either given permission or actually in one case being told to go to the hospital by the nurse, they seem to have no records at the V.A., and suggested what I brought from the hospital was not what I needed but couldn't tell me what I did actually need. Which... is why I backed out of trying to help and told them it was between them. Neither party seems all that interested. It's, for them, a personal problem.
It is just about bedtime again. Just when I think I have jumped to days, everything switches. It's a rough go, but like I said, no pain. I tried to call my mother, as well, just to talk. No dice. Hard to tell what that woman is up to. Work, other work, shopping for herself or someone else, driving someone to medical care, who knows. She might even be napping, if she has had a long haul or isn't feeling well. She has learned to get in a nap on the very rare chance she can and it is needed. Hmm, sort of like me, though with a much more regular schedule generally.
Good night.
A glass of water?
.
.
Drinking a glass of water, using water to boil pasta or for use in making other items, is a risky proposition. The more densely populated the region, most reports seem to suggest, the greater the risk. However, living downstream from a large population base creates the same risk. Much of the water American's have running to their homes is contaminated with both pharmaceuticals and illicit drugs. The level varies. The risk seems not to have been studied. No government agency has decided to either study effects or issue guidelines regarding this issue.
It has been known for some relatively long time. I became aware of it a decade ago. Actually, it was a suspicion that came to my mind during a discussion with my then girlfriend. Something about her worries about nitrates and nitrites in the water from farming and me suggesting more women use and expel hormones from using the pill than all the farmers could possibly use these other pollutants. Further, I contested, estrogen and other such chemicals would be much more toxic, in many ways, than would fertilizers, as far as at least humans went. Okay, you tagged me. At the time, I was just... we will call it speculating. A little digging turned up what I had suggested to be the truth. At the time, though I considered it, I didn't investigate other pharmaceuticals or illicit drugs in the water. One thing at a time, and just estrogen in the water was a bombshell.
Actually, the topic came up here recently, regarding human sex hormones in agricultural use, then me doing a rough estimate in comparing chemical spray versus women spray... sort of. After a brief review, after my most recent... speculation... I realize I have undervalued the number of American women who use the pill or some other form of chemical birth control or abortificant. I guessed (if as a basement figure) that a quarter of women were using something. As it turns out, that number is more like 62% of women (and girls) in their reproductive years, though how many women use estrogen or such after menopause is another story. Further, how many women who have had a hysterectomy use hormones of some sort or another. I'll stick with the main story. At 62% of women in childbearing *cough* years versus 20% of all women, not counting women who aren't childbearing but who also use... Yeah, Monsanto isn't the monster, or biggest one, in this fight.
The thing is, that is only one of many medicines and drugs which find their way to the potable water system. Europe has a similar problem. I had wondered if reverse osmosis fixed this, but it seems that is not the case. However, activated carbon does seem to work for that. My system does have that, and I believe in both a pre and post filter. Then again, I live in the country, not downstream from any high population, if I am not exactly sure where city water is derived. We do have a dam upstream, a river from it that flows by, and a very shallow water table so possibly a well. All are, really, the same source. I, because of that very lady friend earlier in the article, have been drinking purified water, of one sort or another, for over a decade now. I do suspect that, being unhealthy as is, that is part of why I have lasted.
Just something to think about. Oh, no, never trust me. But if you are working hard to eat right, stay fit, and do whatever else you can to take care of yourself, don't miss this vital issue. Oh, and stop with the bottled water. That is hugely wasteful, and I'm not exactly even an eco guy. Urhm, not at all. I am just an efficiency guy. Buy a reverse osmosis system, with an active carbon filter component or two, keep that in working order, and buy stainless steel water jugs. It's a bit of work, but well worth the effort. Oh, and beside, many bottled waters are just taken out of a well, or right from the tap. Which are pure? Good question. Believe what someone tells you or believe what you can see, your choice.
Reverse osmosis systems are not electric, they work on the water pressure of your system. They are not too difficult to install yourself, and YouTube might have the exact system instructions you need. Visuals, people, I love YouTube... sometimes. Generally you need more than 40 psi, but less than 100 psi (psi = pounds per square inch). The testers for pressure are less than $10, and if need be a pressure lowering device is about $60. There are special reverse osmosis systems that can work at lower pressures, if you use your own well or otherwise have low pressure water.
Just some thoughts, your mileage may vary.
.
Drinking a glass of water, using water to boil pasta or for use in making other items, is a risky proposition. The more densely populated the region, most reports seem to suggest, the greater the risk. However, living downstream from a large population base creates the same risk. Much of the water American's have running to their homes is contaminated with both pharmaceuticals and illicit drugs. The level varies. The risk seems not to have been studied. No government agency has decided to either study effects or issue guidelines regarding this issue.
It has been known for some relatively long time. I became aware of it a decade ago. Actually, it was a suspicion that came to my mind during a discussion with my then girlfriend. Something about her worries about nitrates and nitrites in the water from farming and me suggesting more women use and expel hormones from using the pill than all the farmers could possibly use these other pollutants. Further, I contested, estrogen and other such chemicals would be much more toxic, in many ways, than would fertilizers, as far as at least humans went. Okay, you tagged me. At the time, I was just... we will call it speculating. A little digging turned up what I had suggested to be the truth. At the time, though I considered it, I didn't investigate other pharmaceuticals or illicit drugs in the water. One thing at a time, and just estrogen in the water was a bombshell.
Actually, the topic came up here recently, regarding human sex hormones in agricultural use, then me doing a rough estimate in comparing chemical spray versus women spray... sort of. After a brief review, after my most recent... speculation... I realize I have undervalued the number of American women who use the pill or some other form of chemical birth control or abortificant. I guessed (if as a basement figure) that a quarter of women were using something. As it turns out, that number is more like 62% of women (and girls) in their reproductive years, though how many women use estrogen or such after menopause is another story. Further, how many women who have had a hysterectomy use hormones of some sort or another. I'll stick with the main story. At 62% of women in childbearing *cough* years versus 20% of all women, not counting women who aren't childbearing but who also use... Yeah, Monsanto isn't the monster, or biggest one, in this fight.
The thing is, that is only one of many medicines and drugs which find their way to the potable water system. Europe has a similar problem. I had wondered if reverse osmosis fixed this, but it seems that is not the case. However, activated carbon does seem to work for that. My system does have that, and I believe in both a pre and post filter. Then again, I live in the country, not downstream from any high population, if I am not exactly sure where city water is derived. We do have a dam upstream, a river from it that flows by, and a very shallow water table so possibly a well. All are, really, the same source. I, because of that very lady friend earlier in the article, have been drinking purified water, of one sort or another, for over a decade now. I do suspect that, being unhealthy as is, that is part of why I have lasted.
Just something to think about. Oh, no, never trust me. But if you are working hard to eat right, stay fit, and do whatever else you can to take care of yourself, don't miss this vital issue. Oh, and stop with the bottled water. That is hugely wasteful, and I'm not exactly even an eco guy. Urhm, not at all. I am just an efficiency guy. Buy a reverse osmosis system, with an active carbon filter component or two, keep that in working order, and buy stainless steel water jugs. It's a bit of work, but well worth the effort. Oh, and beside, many bottled waters are just taken out of a well, or right from the tap. Which are pure? Good question. Believe what someone tells you or believe what you can see, your choice.
Reverse osmosis systems are not electric, they work on the water pressure of your system. They are not too difficult to install yourself, and YouTube might have the exact system instructions you need. Visuals, people, I love YouTube... sometimes. Generally you need more than 40 psi, but less than 100 psi (psi = pounds per square inch). The testers for pressure are less than $10, and if need be a pressure lowering device is about $60. There are special reverse osmosis systems that can work at lower pressures, if you use your own well or otherwise have low pressure water.
Just some thoughts, your mileage may vary.
Tiptoeing with medication through the sleep minefield.
.
.
Last time I went through this, I tried to take medication within the times I was awake, each waking period it's own day. That didn't work well as sometimes I would have two to three "days" in a 24 hour period, or the opposite, a "day" every real day and a half. This time, I am more aware. I learned from that most recent attempt, stayed conscious so I can use what I learned. This time I am taking medications, more or less and well so far, as per calendar day. It might mean medication has to be taken a little earlier, if I am crashing before the time to 'officially' take it, but by just a few hours... or waking up at 23:00 which is later than I would normally take it. It's sort of tricky. But it does make more sense and is easier to track. Then again, I am better prepared for the confusion this time. And steeled against the intrusions, or side effects, taking medication can exhibit. It's still not as easy as just doing it.
I am doing some tricks, too. Like, with the water pill, that isn't as effective if taken right before sleep. So... when I will be taking my "morning" dose before sleep, I save that part for when I will be awake at night. And since the carvedilol can cause exhaustion, and since I am not taking it on an absolute schedule, I will fudge a little with when I take it, as long as there is eight hours between doses and two doses are taken within about 18 hours. Odd little things, but that can really help me do a few things. Timing... whether with humor, story telling, romance, fighting, or medication... A vital thing is doing just the right thing at just the right time. Not bad for an old nearly dead guy. Aye, but the eye is on the prize. There is a decent chance at a real revival, a return to much better, perhaps even full, health. Then, maybe, back to engineering school. Depending on the job markets? No, since it would be without debt, it would be worth having in any case. One of the few degrees that might actually help personally, professionally, and for prepping. Though without experience in the field, I have some doubts about absolute value... Still... Yeah, probably back to school.
No pain so far. But that didn't come until later, at higher doses. I still expect that and I will stay try to stay awake through it, or consciously viable, or however you wish to refer to it. I am hoping it won't be as bad. I am more stubborn about it this time, prepared. And yet, when that pain hits, it's not... you can't ever be quite ready for the rawness of it. Still, I liked being aware, able to know and do some smaller things. Not sure I can take medicines all that well otherwise either. I can only guess I nearly blindly stumbled through getting on medication in the past.
At some point I will be back on medication, it will normalize, and I will be on my way. Last winter was pretty good, as winters go, and given the state of my health. I am hoping to get back to that this year, including starting up seedlings again, for another try at gardening. As well, I would like to get the 'cave' in order, possibly get the garage rigged as a shop, and finish the plumbing work. Nothing too fancy but out of my range at the moment. In the short run, I would like to finish the kitchen, then hit the unpacking, then hit the rest of the cave as a lead to whatever else I can eventually do. Build slow and up, starting with medicine then moving on to the world and what ever else is at hand.
Troubling as it all might be, I do like struggling... against something... anything. It definitely beats being lost in the fog as I was for so very long. Even pain is better than nothingness, though my least favorite in it's harsher forms by far. And I can't always tolerate it when full blast so some 'float' will occur. Never mind, I'll keep tinkering.
Later.
.
Last time I went through this, I tried to take medication within the times I was awake, each waking period it's own day. That didn't work well as sometimes I would have two to three "days" in a 24 hour period, or the opposite, a "day" every real day and a half. This time, I am more aware. I learned from that most recent attempt, stayed conscious so I can use what I learned. This time I am taking medications, more or less and well so far, as per calendar day. It might mean medication has to be taken a little earlier, if I am crashing before the time to 'officially' take it, but by just a few hours... or waking up at 23:00 which is later than I would normally take it. It's sort of tricky. But it does make more sense and is easier to track. Then again, I am better prepared for the confusion this time. And steeled against the intrusions, or side effects, taking medication can exhibit. It's still not as easy as just doing it.
I am doing some tricks, too. Like, with the water pill, that isn't as effective if taken right before sleep. So... when I will be taking my "morning" dose before sleep, I save that part for when I will be awake at night. And since the carvedilol can cause exhaustion, and since I am not taking it on an absolute schedule, I will fudge a little with when I take it, as long as there is eight hours between doses and two doses are taken within about 18 hours. Odd little things, but that can really help me do a few things. Timing... whether with humor, story telling, romance, fighting, or medication... A vital thing is doing just the right thing at just the right time. Not bad for an old nearly dead guy. Aye, but the eye is on the prize. There is a decent chance at a real revival, a return to much better, perhaps even full, health. Then, maybe, back to engineering school. Depending on the job markets? No, since it would be without debt, it would be worth having in any case. One of the few degrees that might actually help personally, professionally, and for prepping. Though without experience in the field, I have some doubts about absolute value... Still... Yeah, probably back to school.
No pain so far. But that didn't come until later, at higher doses. I still expect that and I will stay try to stay awake through it, or consciously viable, or however you wish to refer to it. I am hoping it won't be as bad. I am more stubborn about it this time, prepared. And yet, when that pain hits, it's not... you can't ever be quite ready for the rawness of it. Still, I liked being aware, able to know and do some smaller things. Not sure I can take medicines all that well otherwise either. I can only guess I nearly blindly stumbled through getting on medication in the past.
At some point I will be back on medication, it will normalize, and I will be on my way. Last winter was pretty good, as winters go, and given the state of my health. I am hoping to get back to that this year, including starting up seedlings again, for another try at gardening. As well, I would like to get the 'cave' in order, possibly get the garage rigged as a shop, and finish the plumbing work. Nothing too fancy but out of my range at the moment. In the short run, I would like to finish the kitchen, then hit the unpacking, then hit the rest of the cave as a lead to whatever else I can eventually do. Build slow and up, starting with medicine then moving on to the world and what ever else is at hand.
Troubling as it all might be, I do like struggling... against something... anything. It definitely beats being lost in the fog as I was for so very long. Even pain is better than nothingness, though my least favorite in it's harsher forms by far. And I can't always tolerate it when full blast so some 'float' will occur. Never mind, I'll keep tinkering.
Later.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
A cock-eyed sleep cycle.
.
.
I can't seem to get grounded. My "naps" are running at seven hours or more, as is my sleep. Sometimes, usually, I sleep the middle part of the day and still go to bed at night, but not always. Taking medicine will sometimes cause me to need to go right back in for sleep, right up until they don't allow me to sleep until very late or not at all such as last night. The alarm clock, is, as has been noted, attempted and found to be useless. At least I hear it, but that just may end up troubling my sleep so as to end up requiring even more sleep to try to sooth that over. Been here, done this, and just not long ago. I hate grinding over ground I just covered. I lost my grip on medicine though. It wasn't a willful disregard. The flesh can only take just so much sometimes.
I got a call from the medical claim people. They want me to get some claim from the V.A. I can see where this is going... nowhere. I will call the V.A., see who I need to speak with, see what they have to say, and call the other people back. Been here, done this, and to no good ends already and before. It looks like the V.A. is refusing to pay and the debt collectors are refusing to ask. It's a lot like when your mom and dad aren't talking, but you need them to agree to something. Neither side will relent, most likely, and the debt will remain unpaid and on my credit report. I'll call, again. And I expect exactly what has happened before.
As it turns out, the V.A. didn't pay for a single visit to the ER, in spite of sending me... preapproving... two of the cases. One of the times a V.A. nurse ordered me in, in spite of my objections. The other time I was going in and out of shock, so didn't seek preapproval as staying conscious while driving to the hospital was about the only trick I could pull out of my hat. Oh, yeah! The medical laws now on the books may see you finding out just how good having the government and bureaucrats run your medical care is! Wait until no one will pay for anything, even though it is required, and you can't get loan adjustments and such because you have "bad credit". The only reason I was able to get an adjustment on my V.A. load was because they knew I was 100%, so shouldn't have medical bills. Doesn't work on my car loan or I would have tried.
I set the haiku post to run at noon. It didn't. Google has it so that everything is two hours behind, I think. I have tried to monkey with time zones, but they know what time zone I am in. My guess is that this is a way to suppress data, even erase it. I am not sure if they can undo 'data captures', or yet, but my guess is they are working on that if they don't have it yet. They want to be able to shut down information sharing if they decide to do so, and this is just one means of doing so. A stop gap, if it is a local thing, so as to not have to pull the plug on the whole internet. Just a guess.
Hmm, a bit more coffee, then some phone calls. Later.
.
I can't seem to get grounded. My "naps" are running at seven hours or more, as is my sleep. Sometimes, usually, I sleep the middle part of the day and still go to bed at night, but not always. Taking medicine will sometimes cause me to need to go right back in for sleep, right up until they don't allow me to sleep until very late or not at all such as last night. The alarm clock, is, as has been noted, attempted and found to be useless. At least I hear it, but that just may end up troubling my sleep so as to end up requiring even more sleep to try to sooth that over. Been here, done this, and just not long ago. I hate grinding over ground I just covered. I lost my grip on medicine though. It wasn't a willful disregard. The flesh can only take just so much sometimes.
I got a call from the medical claim people. They want me to get some claim from the V.A. I can see where this is going... nowhere. I will call the V.A., see who I need to speak with, see what they have to say, and call the other people back. Been here, done this, and to no good ends already and before. It looks like the V.A. is refusing to pay and the debt collectors are refusing to ask. It's a lot like when your mom and dad aren't talking, but you need them to agree to something. Neither side will relent, most likely, and the debt will remain unpaid and on my credit report. I'll call, again. And I expect exactly what has happened before.
As it turns out, the V.A. didn't pay for a single visit to the ER, in spite of sending me... preapproving... two of the cases. One of the times a V.A. nurse ordered me in, in spite of my objections. The other time I was going in and out of shock, so didn't seek preapproval as staying conscious while driving to the hospital was about the only trick I could pull out of my hat. Oh, yeah! The medical laws now on the books may see you finding out just how good having the government and bureaucrats run your medical care is! Wait until no one will pay for anything, even though it is required, and you can't get loan adjustments and such because you have "bad credit". The only reason I was able to get an adjustment on my V.A. load was because they knew I was 100%, so shouldn't have medical bills. Doesn't work on my car loan or I would have tried.
I set the haiku post to run at noon. It didn't. Google has it so that everything is two hours behind, I think. I have tried to monkey with time zones, but they know what time zone I am in. My guess is that this is a way to suppress data, even erase it. I am not sure if they can undo 'data captures', or yet, but my guess is they are working on that if they don't have it yet. They want to be able to shut down information sharing if they decide to do so, and this is just one means of doing so. A stop gap, if it is a local thing, so as to not have to pull the plug on the whole internet. Just a guess.
Hmm, a bit more coffee, then some phone calls. Later.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Feeling a bit pepped.
.
.
Not sure what happened. Maybe the bp crashes when I take medicine and then slowly creeps back up? Can't say. I ought to check but... that might take focus beyond my means. I'm actually, as I see things, not simmering on a bed of rage. It is more like I am simply much more open, at the command of, whatever emotion is present. Right now, I feel more ticklish. Everything seems just a little bit funny. Yes, you too. And you. And me. I have a perpetual wolfish grin. And when it goes full on, it tickles my cheeks like the best of the sweet and sour candies. Aye, but it is a very nice little pleasure. I'm just looking for mischief into which to cloak myself within. Ah... for the days of grade and high school. And, this is the high time to meet a woman. Something about infectious laughter, simple curiosity, and some other elements of this mood that is irresistible to them.
I didn't! You did. You did it again! I don't remember that. Can I do it again? You already did. Aye.
Never mind. Just logging this for future thought. It's all gibberish to me at the moment. Perhaps it will make sense in time. And, while feeling my oats, I figured out this week's haiku theme, created the post like a flash, and have it set to be presented tomorrow at noon, whether I am awake and aware or not. Later.
--------------
Just more on the same theme. I know, I know, I can hit it pretty hard. Women aren't used to getting hit back. And, really, they aren't built for it. Still... sometimes...
I'm a bad boy.
.
Not sure what happened. Maybe the bp crashes when I take medicine and then slowly creeps back up? Can't say. I ought to check but... that might take focus beyond my means. I'm actually, as I see things, not simmering on a bed of rage. It is more like I am simply much more open, at the command of, whatever emotion is present. Right now, I feel more ticklish. Everything seems just a little bit funny. Yes, you too. And you. And me. I have a perpetual wolfish grin. And when it goes full on, it tickles my cheeks like the best of the sweet and sour candies. Aye, but it is a very nice little pleasure. I'm just looking for mischief into which to cloak myself within. Ah... for the days of grade and high school. And, this is the high time to meet a woman. Something about infectious laughter, simple curiosity, and some other elements of this mood that is irresistible to them.
--------------
Just more on the same theme. I know, I know, I can hit it pretty hard. Women aren't used to getting hit back. And, really, they aren't built for it. Still... sometimes...
I'm a bad boy.
Did I say nap?
.
.
A nap, a two hour nap, was the goal. I set the alarm for just a bit more than two hours and hit it. As before, when the alarm went off, there was no way to wake. I was able to focus and reset the alarm, this time for two more hours. When it went off again, I set it for two more hours. I simply shut it off after the third alarm. I did wake maybe an hour after that... Still barely awake, but able to sit at least. I can only guess that when blood pressure is this high, the medication that lowers it has a much increased affect on the system, like sodium in water or something?
I am drop like a rock shortly after taking the medication. Can't really focus on much other than incidentals and taking medication. Still, this is the goal so I will just keep trying to live with the effects until I can master them, or my bp lowers enough that the effects diminish. Even when I wake up I am still groggy. That very early morning grogginess you sometimes feel, or late night if you are like some, simply never leaves. I can't really focus on checking bp and other stuff, quite yet. I'd like to check bp in a few days, and every few days, if I can. More out of curiosity.
That's all I have for now. Later.
.
A nap, a two hour nap, was the goal. I set the alarm for just a bit more than two hours and hit it. As before, when the alarm went off, there was no way to wake. I was able to focus and reset the alarm, this time for two more hours. When it went off again, I set it for two more hours. I simply shut it off after the third alarm. I did wake maybe an hour after that... Still barely awake, but able to sit at least. I can only guess that when blood pressure is this high, the medication that lowers it has a much increased affect on the system, like sodium in water or something?
I am drop like a rock shortly after taking the medication. Can't really focus on much other than incidentals and taking medication. Still, this is the goal so I will just keep trying to live with the effects until I can master them, or my bp lowers enough that the effects diminish. Even when I wake up I am still groggy. That very early morning grogginess you sometimes feel, or late night if you are like some, simply never leaves. I can't really focus on checking bp and other stuff, quite yet. I'd like to check bp in a few days, and every few days, if I can. More out of curiosity.
That's all I have for now. Later.
Sleepy, but with my foot on the accelerator.
.
.
The meds are playing havoc with things, along with the blood pressure. I realize I am... physically angry. No, not emotionally. Or... the part that is me is just fine, it is that other aspect that is... pumped. I realized, while driving, that, even with prayer, as much focus as I can get, and some other such... Rage is in there. My guess is my body is in actual distress from having blood pressure that high. So... what to do? Well, try to take it easy and try to avoid confrontations. That isn't always possible.
The debate about that video, for example. I think there is reasonable room for debate. But then again, I don't want to simply be snapping and flailing. What to do? Ah... a nap. That might help. Well, that and slowing down my responses. Reading and rereading things to this point. Even listening to the Gregorian chants. By the way, those now have their own label "Praising God", along with a Johnny Cash song. Low brow or high, God enjoys our songful worship. God gave us plenty of very strong warning and I think Mr. Cash walked through a lot of darkness, as well, before finding his way to the light. That he would bring a fistful of fight with him makes sense. At least I understand it.
I don't want to harsh on someone the wrong way, or for the wrong reasons. Still, I think she started it and I can't just let it be. If you want to kick a dog, or a man while he is down, be my guest. I literally probably can't stop you, though I would if I saw it in time. But if I see it, I'm going to react harshly. And, to me, that is what I saw. And more. Still, as I said, I don't mind going hard, I just don't want to go hard wrong. Yes, a nap. And prayers before and after. The Lord knows I need them, as does everyone. That I can do.
After the nap and prayer... back to the business at hand. :p
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Fat hatred, among other things.
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I recently got caught up in a debate with someone regarding a video she put up. She claims to be a libertarian conservative. This video reminds me, to my mind, of some of the stupider far left tripe, from when I was of that belief system.
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I recently got caught up in a debate with someone regarding a video she put up. She claims to be a libertarian conservative. This video reminds me, to my mind, of some of the stupider far left tripe, from when I was of that belief system.
Pleasantly rested.
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Sleep did offer some reprieve from the long push and medication startup. To bed at 20:00 or was it 21:00? Somewhere in there. I set the alarm for 6:00, just as an outlier, or even hope. I woke at 2:00, got out of bed at 2:15 after realizing sleep was definitely done. I really didn't want to get up then, especially for some reason believing it was only 1:00. I kept trying to get back to sleep for just an hour, I thought. So it was a pleasant surprise that it did end up being 2:15. I got my wish through psychic misallocation? Yup! And I'll take it.
The girls are... pushing papa's buttons. FOO-OO-OOD! Yeah, I know. But I do try to wait an hour or two. Hmm... already 4:21 so I suppose I can feed them, and take my medicines, check bp and blood sugar too. I'll try to wrangle up something of a schedule again. Since they are helping me, that offers a bit of a bolster. Even sick animals need to be led to health, no different for human form types. Especially when I know there will be a pop quiz in a week or so!
Today? Whatever I can squeeze in or squeeze out? Yeah. I am going to probably try to take a nap before too long. Especially after dosing. I will try to keep it short, as an afterburner or such, to slow my ascent, or descent, depending on how you are looking at it, into days. All I can do is schedule and plan. Much simply either works or it doesn't. In spite of my action based nature, I have truly had to learn subtlety. I don't like it, but that is never the point. Life isn't about what I like. It is about doing what of what I must, and then want, as I can. What I like, quite often, usually, was abandoned on my way to being an adult. And... that isn't a fully bad thing. I get my childish moments in, when I can, though too. It just can't be the main, or even large majority. Just a dash of flavor, enjoying a ray of sunshine, smelling a flower, smiling about a pretty woman. Then back to it! Well, as I can.
Oh, yes, best feed the girls before they decide I am tasty enough or their newest scratching post. And on with the meds and stats. Hmm... and I am hungry. A bowl of rice with a little whipping cream? Sure.
But to get the day started correctly, how about a touch of music?
[lyrics and translation]
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Sleep did offer some reprieve from the long push and medication startup. To bed at 20:00 or was it 21:00? Somewhere in there. I set the alarm for 6:00, just as an outlier, or even hope. I woke at 2:00, got out of bed at 2:15 after realizing sleep was definitely done. I really didn't want to get up then, especially for some reason believing it was only 1:00. I kept trying to get back to sleep for just an hour, I thought. So it was a pleasant surprise that it did end up being 2:15. I got my wish through psychic misallocation? Yup! And I'll take it.
The girls are... pushing papa's buttons. FOO-OO-OOD! Yeah, I know. But I do try to wait an hour or two. Hmm... already 4:21 so I suppose I can feed them, and take my medicines, check bp and blood sugar too. I'll try to wrangle up something of a schedule again. Since they are helping me, that offers a bit of a bolster. Even sick animals need to be led to health, no different for human form types. Especially when I know there will be a pop quiz in a week or so!
Today? Whatever I can squeeze in or squeeze out? Yeah. I am going to probably try to take a nap before too long. Especially after dosing. I will try to keep it short, as an afterburner or such, to slow my ascent, or descent, depending on how you are looking at it, into days. All I can do is schedule and plan. Much simply either works or it doesn't. In spite of my action based nature, I have truly had to learn subtlety. I don't like it, but that is never the point. Life isn't about what I like. It is about doing what of what I must, and then want, as I can. What I like, quite often, usually, was abandoned on my way to being an adult. And... that isn't a fully bad thing. I get my childish moments in, when I can, though too. It just can't be the main, or even large majority. Just a dash of flavor, enjoying a ray of sunshine, smelling a flower, smiling about a pretty woman. Then back to it! Well, as I can.
Oh, yes, best feed the girls before they decide I am tasty enough or their newest scratching post. And on with the meds and stats. Hmm... and I am hungry. A bowl of rice with a little whipping cream? Sure.
But to get the day started correctly, how about a touch of music?
[lyrics and translation]
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
What to do with haiku?
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Okay. I don't know if I am ever quite ready to win. I never expect it. Sometimes I pull for a week, or a particular poem. Truth is, I often pull for other people's poems if I like them better. The thing is, if what I pulled for, in either measure, was a random horse at the race tracks, and I placed bets, I would have lost my shirt. So, when it rolls around I am almost always caught flat-footed. Of course, that is exactly how I like it. Or, that is what I keep telling myself. This was the poem chosen.
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Okay. I don't know if I am ever quite ready to win. I never expect it. Sometimes I pull for a week, or a particular poem. Truth is, I often pull for other people's poems if I like them better. The thing is, if what I pulled for, in either measure, was a random horse at the race tracks, and I placed bets, I would have lost my shirt. So, when it rolls around I am almost always caught flat-footed. Of course, that is exactly how I like it. Or, that is what I keep telling myself. This was the poem chosen.
snow kissing the ground
clouds caressing the mountains
love surrounds - just look
I do like this poem. But it seems so alien to me, as if another wrote it. I noticed, even while I was typing it, that... it was different. Not in a good or bad way, just... strange. Not me. Oh, never mind. Some things can't be explained.
I will get to thinking about the theme. I never do know what that will be, but like the poems themselves, it usually pops up. Simple is good. Complex can be interesting. Natural is the aim point but I never know. I'll be up Thursday or Friday with something. I hope even half play as did this last week. It sure makes it more difficult, but... easier too. The more, truly, the merrier.
Good night.
Haiku Monday - Passion
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It seems foam has won the contest. She is up with the contest.
I am just submitting one to start things. I might add another. I might be what is wrong with the contest, perhaps. Putting in too many might flood the market, suck the air out of the contest, or some such. Or... maybe it really is just too much for people who are moving on or too busy. It's worth a shot. I might put another one or two up here, in time. And transfer one over to the contest. Maybe. We will see.
The theme hit home with what happened tonight. I haven't known shame in a while, but certainly do now. I need to get a grip. So hard in this prison of flesh, with so little time to do so much, but I must. I think it is equally balanced to do this for others and for myself, to find wisdom, tranquility, peace. Even a terrible driver is not my enemy. It's not like this happens often, but it has been... creeping out. Anyway...
It is a more difficult attempting to write haiku one a day. Actually, I couldn't just do one today, two spilled out and there they are. I am tired though, and control slipped. I don't know, but I think they are better this way? It gives the muse time to rearrange thoughts, refresh the approach, breath a new breath of sight. But the muse is much more difficult to muster, time and again, especially when it is then muted after each session. Still, I hope you enjoy! Perhaps one more tomorrow.
Good night.
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It seems foam has won the contest. She is up with the contest.
I am just submitting one to start things. I might add another. I might be what is wrong with the contest, perhaps. Putting in too many might flood the market, suck the air out of the contest, or some such. Or... maybe it really is just too much for people who are moving on or too busy. It's worth a shot. I might put another one or two up here, in time. And transfer one over to the contest. Maybe. We will see.
The theme hit home with what happened tonight. I haven't known shame in a while, but certainly do now. I need to get a grip. So hard in this prison of flesh, with so little time to do so much, but I must. I think it is equally balanced to do this for others and for myself, to find wisdom, tranquility, peace. Even a terrible driver is not my enemy. It's not like this happens often, but it has been... creeping out. Anyway...
a curse or blessing
trapped in beastly nature
striving for wisdom
trapped in beastly nature
striving for wisdom
snow kissing the ground
clouds caressing the mountains
love surrounds - just look
hisses like a cat
loves like a hurricane ~ she
reminds me to live
brothers in arms - true
terrible and reckless - sure
more than kin - my life
elegance of flesh
touch, sight, sound, scent, taste, warm, wet
silk of the senses
It is a more difficult attempting to write haiku one a day. Actually, I couldn't just do one today, two spilled out and there they are. I am tired though, and control slipped. I don't know, but I think they are better this way? It gives the muse time to rearrange thoughts, refresh the approach, breath a new breath of sight. But the muse is much more difficult to muster, time and again, especially when it is then muted after each session. Still, I hope you enjoy! Perhaps one more tomorrow.
Good night.
Crazy?
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Well, that has been asserted. Not just locally or recently, mind you. Though I deal with things one event at a time I am going to take this one on as a class action suit. So, what is the prognosis?
There is always the possibility. In general discussions with Desert Cat, on a separate matter albeit, it was decided that he kept things more open for future consideration while I generally look at the data/patterns/sense of things in front of me, create a notion, then stick with that. I am always open to new, if relevant, information, and a revisit to my previous assertions. As to crazy? Of course. Now, I am not insane, merely mortal. And, yes, every single human on this planet is crazy, at the least. Oh? Oh yeah. What is your favorite color? Seriously. Just answer that, in your mind. Now... why? Even if you can come up with a rational reason to like, for me, electric to dark blue, that doesn't cut it. You are using some emotional reaction that even if you have an answer as well, does not make any sense whatsoever, and you are doing it with a straight face. There is no factual reason why one color, or shape, or form, or taste, would be better or worse than another in a completely objective world... which is the world of logic, thus sanity. You, my friend, are crazy too. Unless you think you can rationalize your craziness, then you are insane. If you act in violence about the notion, you are past crazy, through insane, and right into psychopathy. Hope you enjoyed the trip.
And while I do accept that I am crazy, I don't deny that there is reason and form given to my notions. Many of my very strong opinions, personal preferences, and such, aren't related just to what I like, but often to what I have literally found to help with survival in some sense or another, or which work, or have worked to this point. I don't care if I don't please a group of Wall Street lawyers, for example. I don't have the kind of money for which they might try to shake me down. Further, they aren't a physical threat. I do, generally, dress in a manner that would not draw attention to my person. Failing that, I dress in such a way that, if looked at by a predatory type, I would be seen as a threat to them, thus generally reducing my risk and possibly, in their mind, reversing roles. There is reason in my own personal madness. You? No, no worries, just asking.
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Well, that has been asserted. Not just locally or recently, mind you. Though I deal with things one event at a time I am going to take this one on as a class action suit. So, what is the prognosis?
That was distinctly not a nap.
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Down at... 7:46 so such, the alarm set for 10:00, and... *smack* out of the park. I do remember hearing the alarm at 10:00. I don't know exactly what thinking was going on. I do remember resetting the alarm for... noon? I think. I remember the alarm going off again, just not the time. I just could not wake or even reset the alarm again. I'm not sure when I actually woke. It's almost 14:00 now and I may have been up for an hour or as little as half an hour. I will be going to bed early tonight, even so, after supper arrives or pretty close to it. Yeah, probably medication.
Dreams. Tons of dreams. I'm not remembering any of them. I don't think they are all that wild, in the sense of wild imaginings. But they are full of contention. Oh, the adversarial nature of the world isn't a cause for heartburn for me. I just wrangle it until everything is settled to within satisfactory conditions. If a nail is stubbornly refusing to be hammered into place, I will gently, firmly, and frequently hit it again. That doesn't bother me. Again, again, again, I have no problem. Flush, that's all I ask, nothing else will do. *BaM* Repeat as necessary. I will win. So it wasn't a problem. The only problem I did have was that it seemed like I dreamed all my sleep away. Yeah, probably medication.
As troubling as medication is, I do believe in this stuff I am on. I have seen it get me to a very stable blood pressure, and living standard. I might not be able to do all that much, even so, but I shouldn't probably be able to be doing what I am. The doctors are psychotic. On one hand, they are surprised I am living on my own. On the other, they seem surprised that I am disabled. Well, which the hell is it!?! Perhaps there is a need for psychotropics, but it isn't for me. Heh. No, I'll keep trying to get to a therapeutic dose, and get things back in line, taking my lumps as I must. It might take a while, this part is not as easy as it sounds, but I know I can get there and I know, once stable, it was worth the effort.
It might not be much, but my little struggles give me some serious contention. And, for my part, I think that is good. I would still rather be figuring out new contraptions, or where the deer and elk are and how to bag one, or how to do something in a better, or more efficient, or faster, or smaller or larger way. Tinker. I love to tinker, with words, with ideas, with people, with myself, with items. It's what I do. Well, it's what I like to do. I'm a far better warrior than tinkerer. But my soft side is in tinkering. So, it's not a bad thing. It just isn't all that commercially viable to only be functionally able to tinker with myself. Uhrm... that... sounded maybe a bit wrong. But, you know what I mean so hush it.
Gosh I hate starting meds up, again, again. But... it does work, is worth the effort, and this time I really not only believe it, but know it. So... plug teh nose, chunk down the nasty pills, deal with the side effects, and hold teh breath until I surface again. Later.
Oh, I get the distinct feeling I have pissed off every woman within a five state region. Okay, I take that back. I'm thinking more like internationally. I'm good with that. It's one of my jobs. Even the women who like and agree, are getting crossfire anger from the sisterhood. Interesting to watch a woman who likes me begin to hate me "because" (because to not do so would leave her out at the lunch chat, etc, and who wants to go to the powder room alone!). Hehehe I like me. Good thing, cause I think it's a solo venture sometimes. :)
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Down at... 7:46 so such, the alarm set for 10:00, and... *smack* out of the park. I do remember hearing the alarm at 10:00. I don't know exactly what thinking was going on. I do remember resetting the alarm for... noon? I think. I remember the alarm going off again, just not the time. I just could not wake or even reset the alarm again. I'm not sure when I actually woke. It's almost 14:00 now and I may have been up for an hour or as little as half an hour. I will be going to bed early tonight, even so, after supper arrives or pretty close to it. Yeah, probably medication.
Dreams. Tons of dreams. I'm not remembering any of them. I don't think they are all that wild, in the sense of wild imaginings. But they are full of contention. Oh, the adversarial nature of the world isn't a cause for heartburn for me. I just wrangle it until everything is settled to within satisfactory conditions. If a nail is stubbornly refusing to be hammered into place, I will gently, firmly, and frequently hit it again. That doesn't bother me. Again, again, again, I have no problem. Flush, that's all I ask, nothing else will do. *BaM* Repeat as necessary. I will win. So it wasn't a problem. The only problem I did have was that it seemed like I dreamed all my sleep away. Yeah, probably medication.
As troubling as medication is, I do believe in this stuff I am on. I have seen it get me to a very stable blood pressure, and living standard. I might not be able to do all that much, even so, but I shouldn't probably be able to be doing what I am. The doctors are psychotic. On one hand, they are surprised I am living on my own. On the other, they seem surprised that I am disabled. Well, which the hell is it!?! Perhaps there is a need for psychotropics, but it isn't for me. Heh. No, I'll keep trying to get to a therapeutic dose, and get things back in line, taking my lumps as I must. It might take a while, this part is not as easy as it sounds, but I know I can get there and I know, once stable, it was worth the effort.
It might not be much, but my little struggles give me some serious contention. And, for my part, I think that is good. I would still rather be figuring out new contraptions, or where the deer and elk are and how to bag one, or how to do something in a better, or more efficient, or faster, or smaller or larger way. Tinker. I love to tinker, with words, with ideas, with people, with myself, with items. It's what I do. Well, it's what I like to do. I'm a far better warrior than tinkerer. But my soft side is in tinkering. So, it's not a bad thing. It just isn't all that commercially viable to only be functionally able to tinker with myself. Uhrm... that... sounded maybe a bit wrong. But, you know what I mean so hush it.
Gosh I hate starting meds up, again, again. But... it does work, is worth the effort, and this time I really not only believe it, but know it. So... plug teh nose, chunk down the nasty pills, deal with the side effects, and hold teh breath until I surface again. Later.
Oh, I get the distinct feeling I have pissed off every woman within a five state region. Okay, I take that back. I'm thinking more like internationally. I'm good with that. It's one of my jobs. Even the women who like and agree, are getting crossfire anger from the sisterhood. Interesting to watch a woman who likes me begin to hate me "because" (because to not do so would leave her out at the lunch chat, etc, and who wants to go to the powder room alone!). Hehehe I like me. Good thing, cause I think it's a solo venture sometimes. :)
Just helping you out.
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I get jazzed for posting as I do. On my blog, in comments, in general. I do so for a reason. Many actually, but... You do as you please. You have nothing to hide. I'm already as famous, or infamous, as I wish to be. You? Do you really want to be famous... or infamous?
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I get jazzed for posting as I do. On my blog, in comments, in general. I do so for a reason. Many actually, but... You do as you please. You have nothing to hide. I'm already as famous, or infamous, as I wish to be. You? Do you really want to be famous... or infamous?
Yes, yes, medicine.
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I couldn't get that arranged after arriving home. I was simply done. I even called and canceled dinner. It was nearly a 24 hour stint today, with travel, several destinations, and a bit of walking. I woke somewhere in the 22:00-23:00 range. I know I looked at the clock, and it just looked back. I saw the time and it went in the eyes and out the ears. It was a long pull, so I wasn't expecting much tonight.
Medicine, however, was on my mind. I tried to focus first thing, but that was a no go. I walked into the kitchen to begin, and... ended up back in front of the computer. I did shave something to drink though! There is that. Coffee. Strong coffee. I made more, I think. I did some other stuff, but not medicine. After an hour, and the girls begging to be fed, or something... the story is blurry... I set the alarm for several hours, to help me focus on figuring out medicines. That alarm went off. Probably was sounding the alarm for a while before I noticed. Not ready, not yet, my mind seemed to plead. Okay, says me to me, but I will set the alarm, and keep setting it, until 'we' are ready. Another hour, the alarm sounded, and I meant to shut it off and reset it. Which I did. But on the way out of the kitchen it just happened. I found myself sitting at the table, figuring out the pills.
No troubles. It is easy. I wanted to do it. Hmm. Never the worry. I set everything up. However, since carvedilol will probably be increased next Monday, I only set up enough of that for one week. The rest is set up for two weeks. I then took my first dose, again, again. Gah! Actually... I think the medicine has already done something, in the hours since ingesting. I was running at pretty high speeds in there. Just a bit of easing. The horses from my horsepower engine don't seem to be running quite so hot. This is a good thing. I doubt if my bp is lower. But the medicines have told it that a slowdown is coming, and things are gearing that way, if I had to guess. My body probably simply recognizes this new condition at this point.
Yeah, crazy, in a way. Why couldn't I do this all this last week? I've set the alarm, before, with this in mind. I've just been drifting, with neither drive, nor a course, nor an idea of even where I would go if I could. Sure, I did knock out dishes. Yeah, I have hit the kitchen. But those were reactions to visual and... olfactory... stimulants. While the cave still smells musty and a little... creepy... as probably most bachelor pads do, it has a much better overall appeal. A woman would be less likely to simply flee in terror. Hmm, I even hit the toilet with some cleaning, and the floor around it. I wonder if a urinal, a standing man one, would help? Gotta admit, men are pigs... in some ways. *oink* Good to be king, baby! (Yes, that pic is an extreme exaggeration, so shut the hush up!)
I think I am a bit done in by the trip. But I keep looking at the remainder of the kitchen. I have dirtied some dishes and a pot since my last cleaning. They have been soaked a time or two, so should be easy to clean. Clearing the counter tops and kitchen table has been an ongoing project. Then the floors will be dealt with. Maybe not today. But perhaps, or some of it. I keep looking for windows, small doors, even niches, from which to gain purchase into the realm of flesh, and pull myself to it. No, you don't understand. Although, if you want a close proximity, and to something you may have experienced, perhaps... sleep paralysis... You are fully awake but your body is not your own, not at your command. The difference is, my body is functional, and does it's thing, but it isn't me commanding. I can merely put in requests.
Later.
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I couldn't get that arranged after arriving home. I was simply done. I even called and canceled dinner. It was nearly a 24 hour stint today, with travel, several destinations, and a bit of walking. I woke somewhere in the 22:00-23:00 range. I know I looked at the clock, and it just looked back. I saw the time and it went in the eyes and out the ears. It was a long pull, so I wasn't expecting much tonight.
Later.
Monday, November 18, 2013
The trip worked.
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The doctors didn't think my medicinal stoppage was all that keen. Blood pressure was up to 210/141. Fine. But I explained that it was just... a thing, not a choice or new direction. Living on my own... check. Health is poor... check. Medicines temporarily exacerbate the situation... check. It does make sense. I am simply not always free to do my will. If I were, I wouldn't be spending my time at home. I would either be out doing things I want to do, back in school, exploring additional revenue streams, or in a job. So they have put me back on medicine, at half the dose I had worked up to with carvedilol, the rest at full speed as I had been doing, and wanted to see me in a week.
The intern was intent on getting me on blood thinners, since I had a "history" of arrhythmia. I was trying to remember where I had heard that before, after he said it the first time. When he came back the next time I remembered. It was that pesky femoNP who had pronounced this heretofore undiagnosed condition. In spite of being seen at the heart clinic for years, and them not catching it, and not catching it today while listening specifically for it, I suggested the diagnosis was bogus. The intern kept wanting to add a blood thinner. The senior doctor looked and me and already knew the answer. So he handled the pup, didn't even bring the topic up, and that was that. Good to be king... and at least somewhat understood, and heard, even without words.
They may mock my blog, what I have to say, and the rest. But in person? Not so much. More, they know I know they look. Well, some of them. *grins* I don't think the intern had a clue. Then again... the lads balls may not have dropped yet. A common problem for those in the medical and academic fields. Sometimes they never drop, especially these young ones. Probably sit to pee too. Ha!
Afterward, I decided there was enough time for a meal. I remember a breakfast place I liked and... roughly headed that way. Having been up all night, mostly, and not remembering exactly where it was... it's been a few years since I last visited... I tried, again, to use my smartphone as a guide. After several failures trying to get it to work on the fly, without instructions, I was able to get it to work this time. After breakfast, I decided to head to where I meant to go for my personal task. Closed.
I was invited back next week, and I said I would be there. Blood tests, again, as usual. No problem. They weren't sure if I would come back, if I could. I am pretty sure I can. I just need to be sure to get my medicines started. Not right before I go to bed, but in the "morning". As well, with a week to check on things, I am hoping to find a "shop" I have been seeking, one that will definitely be open, and at a time that works. Some seem to be open early, as in 7:00. While that would make it tight getting to the hospital and blood draw by 8:30, it might have to do. Other "shop" seemed to be open at noon. I'll be making some calls. As well, I will be checking my finances to see if snow shoes are this or next month.
Bedtime, I do believe. It's hitting 24 hours up. You know, I get the distinct feeling that doctors are used to me being compliant, from exhaustion. They think they can still tinker with me. They are frustrated that I don't let them run the show, basically telling them to piss off about some things, including androgen medications, blood thinners I don't need, and oh... returning the bogus diagnosis sleep apnea device next week. It didn't help the two months I used it. And the last week or two of use, I was blowing the face piece off, causing me to have ruinous sleep. I think they are just trying to supply vets with unneeded supplies and devices as a part of the "stimulus". Then again, I am not sure they believe I even have a problem. They always question it, even knowing the heart is bad? The V.A. is what you will be getting when Zerocare is fully implemented, so don't laugh. But if you do fix Zerocare, would you mind fixing the V.A. while you are at it? Pretty please?
Later.
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The doctors didn't think my medicinal stoppage was all that keen. Blood pressure was up to 210/141. Fine. But I explained that it was just... a thing, not a choice or new direction. Living on my own... check. Health is poor... check. Medicines temporarily exacerbate the situation... check. It does make sense. I am simply not always free to do my will. If I were, I wouldn't be spending my time at home. I would either be out doing things I want to do, back in school, exploring additional revenue streams, or in a job. So they have put me back on medicine, at half the dose I had worked up to with carvedilol, the rest at full speed as I had been doing, and wanted to see me in a week.
The intern was intent on getting me on blood thinners, since I had a "history" of arrhythmia. I was trying to remember where I had heard that before, after he said it the first time. When he came back the next time I remembered. It was that pesky femoNP who had pronounced this heretofore undiagnosed condition. In spite of being seen at the heart clinic for years, and them not catching it, and not catching it today while listening specifically for it, I suggested the diagnosis was bogus. The intern kept wanting to add a blood thinner. The senior doctor looked and me and already knew the answer. So he handled the pup, didn't even bring the topic up, and that was that. Good to be king... and at least somewhat understood, and heard, even without words.
They may mock my blog, what I have to say, and the rest. But in person? Not so much. More, they know I know they look. Well, some of them. *grins* I don't think the intern had a clue. Then again... the lads balls may not have dropped yet. A common problem for those in the medical and academic fields. Sometimes they never drop, especially these young ones. Probably sit to pee too. Ha!
Afterward, I decided there was enough time for a meal. I remember a breakfast place I liked and... roughly headed that way. Having been up all night, mostly, and not remembering exactly where it was... it's been a few years since I last visited... I tried, again, to use my smartphone as a guide. After several failures trying to get it to work on the fly, without instructions, I was able to get it to work this time. After breakfast, I decided to head to where I meant to go for my personal task. Closed.
I was invited back next week, and I said I would be there. Blood tests, again, as usual. No problem. They weren't sure if I would come back, if I could. I am pretty sure I can. I just need to be sure to get my medicines started. Not right before I go to bed, but in the "morning". As well, with a week to check on things, I am hoping to find a "shop" I have been seeking, one that will definitely be open, and at a time that works. Some seem to be open early, as in 7:00. While that would make it tight getting to the hospital and blood draw by 8:30, it might have to do. Other "shop" seemed to be open at noon. I'll be making some calls. As well, I will be checking my finances to see if snow shoes are this or next month.
Bedtime, I do believe. It's hitting 24 hours up. You know, I get the distinct feeling that doctors are used to me being compliant, from exhaustion. They think they can still tinker with me. They are frustrated that I don't let them run the show, basically telling them to piss off about some things, including androgen medications, blood thinners I don't need, and oh... returning the bogus diagnosis sleep apnea device next week. It didn't help the two months I used it. And the last week or two of use, I was blowing the face piece off, causing me to have ruinous sleep. I think they are just trying to supply vets with unneeded supplies and devices as a part of the "stimulus". Then again, I am not sure they believe I even have a problem. They always question it, even knowing the heart is bad? The V.A. is what you will be getting when Zerocare is fully implemented, so don't laugh. But if you do fix Zerocare, would you mind fixing the V.A. while you are at it? Pretty please?
Later.
On a midnight weary.
.
.
Have you ever just been sitting somewhere, doing your own thing, and had something... someone... touch your soul? It wasn't my mind that was touched. Many emotions, but coherent thoughts, too, were sensed. No anger, or other dark emotions, or at least not focused at me. Many emotions of all sorts, about many things though. I was merely a lightening rod, not the intended target, or perhaps even considered, mostly.
Is what I was, and am, or how things work, fair? Not particularly. Everybody has their moments, good and bad. We make our choices and then live with the consequences. Sometimes, when we don't like the outcome, we double down, and keep going until we can only claim debt, of one sort or other. Some are natively able to survive and recover. Others cannot.
.
Have you ever just been sitting somewhere, doing your own thing, and had something... someone... touch your soul? It wasn't my mind that was touched. Many emotions, but coherent thoughts, too, were sensed. No anger, or other dark emotions, or at least not focused at me. Many emotions of all sorts, about many things though. I was merely a lightening rod, not the intended target, or perhaps even considered, mostly.
Is what I was, and am, or how things work, fair? Not particularly. Everybody has their moments, good and bad. We make our choices and then live with the consequences. Sometimes, when we don't like the outcome, we double down, and keep going until we can only claim debt, of one sort or other. Some are natively able to survive and recover. Others cannot.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Reality and feminism collide.
.
.
While focus is stuck on a couple of issues of late there are issues that are being completely missed or glossed over. Sure, Obamacare is a huge problem. Economically for all, politically for some, and personally for millions of others and just at this point. It could be seen as the masterpiece of this regime, though I think that would be taking the short view. The true masterpiece is the gutting of the American economy and the attempt at wresting control from the usual gang of thieves and putting it the hands of a different smaller gang of thieves. It isn't working well. It never does. Unless you are in the gang.
The headlines spew lies like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The claim is that there is a 7.x% unemployment rate. What is ignored are the numbers of people who have been functionally unemployed for a long term, many of whom have stopped seeking work. The number of unemployed people in the general population hasn't been this low in decades, or more. The other group that is being ignored are the part time employees who seek full time employment. Obamacare does impact these numbers. The law supports part time and temporary work. It also keeps employees off balance. No one wants to hire even one other person because they don't know how much that person will end up costing them after the smoke has cleared. Or, honestly, they do know and cannot afford to hire. But Obamacare is not the real problem, it is just part of a systemic attack on the American economy by it's own government.
Oh, by the way, extended unemployment benefits are up for review soon. And the sequester cut, what, the payments by 60% or so? Yeah...
One can theorize as to the reasons for the attack. I have heard it considered that this is to make all workers, around the world, live at a standard of living and average wage, which would allow companies to migrate without issue. This admin wouldn't do this for companies, but perhaps with a belief that America owes the rest of the world an equal opportunity. Others believe that it is a direct assault on America's dominance in so many fields, or that by reducing wealth held in America and damaging the medical field, that shorter lives can be developed, hoping that if Americans are seen to die younger the rest of the world would follow. Many elites believe there are simply too many people. Some thoughts seem downright crazy, until you look at the numbers and actions. Our government is being used against us, that, regardless of theory, is obvious to me.
Ah, but feminism? An outdated tool of Stalin, to be honest, but quite functional for the moment. It still has it's uses in keeping women free from husbands and children, in work instead of family, out of the church, and independent. While it is still useful it is no longer being supported. The economy has collapsed to the point where there is no support for it, save in law. Here is a story about a 50-something woman, single, educated, worked since she was 15 (she says), now with nothing. Living as a guest, for a few weeks at a time, moving around, trying to find work, and having lost everything to this point.
Did feminists ever think it would ever end differently? Did they believe Lenin, Stalin, or even Putin, was on their side. Did they believe their forced allowance into capitalism would do anything but destroy their futures? It was bad enough seeing 30-something single women begin almost begging for husbands, having spoiled themselves on lovers (who would not accept them for more, as if they wanted it), now begging for... anyone. But to see the 50-somethings, with nothing, and no one? It is sad. But it had to end this way.
I still have some hope for America, depending on what she decides to do with Obamacare, and the rest of this enemy president's actions. But there will be costs. There will be wounds. Some things are lost. The real question is will America go to Detroit levels, or will, like Omaha and a few others, decide to pull out and thrive? That I don't know. Either way, it will take some hard work to make the ship seaworthy again. Either that or we turn into a third-world ruin. It is a choice, even now... perhaps.
.
While focus is stuck on a couple of issues of late there are issues that are being completely missed or glossed over. Sure, Obamacare is a huge problem. Economically for all, politically for some, and personally for millions of others and just at this point. It could be seen as the masterpiece of this regime, though I think that would be taking the short view. The true masterpiece is the gutting of the American economy and the attempt at wresting control from the usual gang of thieves and putting it the hands of a different smaller gang of thieves. It isn't working well. It never does. Unless you are in the gang.
The headlines spew lies like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The claim is that there is a 7.x% unemployment rate. What is ignored are the numbers of people who have been functionally unemployed for a long term, many of whom have stopped seeking work. The number of unemployed people in the general population hasn't been this low in decades, or more. The other group that is being ignored are the part time employees who seek full time employment. Obamacare does impact these numbers. The law supports part time and temporary work. It also keeps employees off balance. No one wants to hire even one other person because they don't know how much that person will end up costing them after the smoke has cleared. Or, honestly, they do know and cannot afford to hire. But Obamacare is not the real problem, it is just part of a systemic attack on the American economy by it's own government.
Oh, by the way, extended unemployment benefits are up for review soon. And the sequester cut, what, the payments by 60% or so? Yeah...
One can theorize as to the reasons for the attack. I have heard it considered that this is to make all workers, around the world, live at a standard of living and average wage, which would allow companies to migrate without issue. This admin wouldn't do this for companies, but perhaps with a belief that America owes the rest of the world an equal opportunity. Others believe that it is a direct assault on America's dominance in so many fields, or that by reducing wealth held in America and damaging the medical field, that shorter lives can be developed, hoping that if Americans are seen to die younger the rest of the world would follow. Many elites believe there are simply too many people. Some thoughts seem downright crazy, until you look at the numbers and actions. Our government is being used against us, that, regardless of theory, is obvious to me.
Ah, but feminism? An outdated tool of Stalin, to be honest, but quite functional for the moment. It still has it's uses in keeping women free from husbands and children, in work instead of family, out of the church, and independent. While it is still useful it is no longer being supported. The economy has collapsed to the point where there is no support for it, save in law. Here is a story about a 50-something woman, single, educated, worked since she was 15 (she says), now with nothing. Living as a guest, for a few weeks at a time, moving around, trying to find work, and having lost everything to this point.
Did feminists ever think it would ever end differently? Did they believe Lenin, Stalin, or even Putin, was on their side. Did they believe their forced allowance into capitalism would do anything but destroy their futures? It was bad enough seeing 30-something single women begin almost begging for husbands, having spoiled themselves on lovers (who would not accept them for more, as if they wanted it), now begging for... anyone. But to see the 50-somethings, with nothing, and no one? It is sad. But it had to end this way.
I still have some hope for America, depending on what she decides to do with Obamacare, and the rest of this enemy president's actions. But there will be costs. There will be wounds. Some things are lost. The real question is will America go to Detroit levels, or will, like Omaha and a few others, decide to pull out and thrive? That I don't know. Either way, it will take some hard work to make the ship seaworthy again. Either that or we turn into a third-world ruin. It is a choice, even now... perhaps.
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