Ah ha.

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I've been finishing off the beef and veggies.  Not bad really, though I did overcook the cabbage a bit.  Now I remember some of the *cough* lore *gurgle* regarding cabbage.  Was that...  ?  No.  Okay.  Anyway, it seems there is some truth to it.  For whatever reason, my system is nearly immune to cabbage... lore.  However, when I overcook it... my... immunity... is reduced.  As I think back on things, my guess is I am not fully immune to cabbage, just so much so that the only thing I get from it is a slight package delivery benefit.  Even overcooked, that process just speeds up a bit.  Must be part of how and why lye doesn't even effect my system.  I don't know if it is iron in there, but it certainly is different.  Rotten meat, lye, cabbage... it's more a matter of taste.

The nap was wonderful.  Oh, dreams.  Luxurious, silkily sexual but not in a raw nature, notions of the softness around sex.  The smoothness of a woman's skin, the softness of her flesh, the pleasure of the curves only a woman has.  Unadulterated by lusts or greed, just a beautiful session of the wonder of it all.  Several, perhaps many, such dreams.  It's actually how I... interpret sex when awake and with a lover.  I don't know if that makes me an odd man out, but it's... not about the "kill".  It's about being present to, and different from, not about getting or even giving.  I told you I was different.  Yeah, never mind.

My scope arrived today.  I am letting it warm up before handling it much.  Mildot (dash, really, but mildot spacing), 3-9x 42, reticle in the first focal plane, and with a very solid reputation as to turret mechanics.  It's not a true extreme long range item, but it should get to 1,200 meters if I wished.  My use is more limited, 200 to 800 meters, really.  I may, in time, choose to get into true long range target shooting, but not for a year or two.  This scope will allow me to do a work up of some fundamentals, however, so that I would be more fully prepared for longer ranges.  If you get the fundamentals down, a bit of practice, a touch of math, some physics, and more practice, these things will easily see you to those longer ranges.  My dream is for a .338 lapua magnum, if I go in that direction.  I guarantee, it would be much cheaper to work up a standard load and get the fundamentals down on that, before moving on to the bigger bore.  At that point, hopefully, I would just be fidgeting with a couple of caliber peculiarities and, probably, still struggling to handle wind.  Wind, of all the variables, is the one that will simply take time, gaining tons of experience.  Basically I will have to put up with lots of fail until I master wind.  And the only time to master that is to get out when all hell is blowing.  All other variables can be manhandled with math, or even programs these days.  Though a careful evaluation, close study, and lots of practice, are still needed.  But wind, at longer ranges?  That's where the magic is.  Learn to read wind, learn the patterns especially, for when there are several wind directions going on, and know when to shoot, and you will become a king in that field.  Then again, if the .338 care and feeding looks a bit tight, I might look in the 7 mm area, a straight, or mag, or something necked down... dunno.  There might be something in there with pretty serious range that is a little more reasonable to feed.  Not sure, but I suspect so.  Hey, a boy and his toys.

It is a wonderful day.  I think I'll take care of the cabbage feedback, then hit the kitchen a bit.  I didn't do the dishes from last night, but I did set them to soak.  I will wash, soak again in soapy water, sweep, perhaps mop.  I did wash out the toilette the other day, with cleaner now on hand, so I may hit the bathroom just a touch as well.  If everything works out, I may be ready to steam vac the living room tomorrow, or at least start taking the room down so as to get to it.  Yeah, that would be nice.  A day or two of drying, then I can begin tearing my bedroom down and get that steam vacuumed as well, before putting it back together.  You know though, I really could use some smaller dollies, to move furniture by myself more easily.  I may get into town tomorrow, and look for flats with wheels.  Coasters don't really cut it, solo.  I can lift and carry all of my furniture, I just can't always carry it through small doors and get it around corners well.

Later.

Nice.

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I was able to make it to bed at midnight, and other than some slight tossing and turning, stay there and fall asleep probably within an hour, perhaps an half hour.  I am sure I dreamed but it was mild to sweet normal type dreams.  Nothing carried to this morning, save some chuckles and grins.  Though there was a touch of something beautiful in there.  As dark as I can be, see, now that God has awaken me, I see the beauty of some things, in their fullness, fears, foibles.  I understand how that is no longer a weakness but the potential for something so much more.  Even if it retards me in the short term, and she will.  Ugh.  Shifting gears can do that.  And, shifting gears means setting the transmission for the demands at hand, so it will be different.

I set the alarm for... 8:00, I think.  I didn't want to push it with a 7:00 alarm, I believe.  I've been pushing things as is.  Of course, I didn't wake at 8:00.  It wasn't until 8:38.  I sort of wanted to wait until 8:42, just to be cute and for kicks and a chuckle.  But when I get the opportunity to rise I don't, can't, pass it up.  It may not be available when I want, or the next time.  You have no idea what I suffer through with choices, limits, and such.  Considering my health situation, my will in this given is inhuman.  I do what they don't believe I can do.  Even if I am frustrated with not doing more, I am already outstripping their expectations. 

I believe I will for another forty or fifty years.  Maybe more.  It's more an... acknowledgement, surrender, to His will.  One of His Sons had to die far too young, surrendering it.  Some have to live far too long, for our individual choices.  I have prayed for what Christ got, just as hard as he prayed for what I get.  As with Him, however, I too have surrendered to His will.  Fathers can be annoying, but a good son will do their bidding.  It just so happens that by doing His will we... are blessed in very wonderful ways.  A nice gift to share, I suspect.  Funny though, after surrendering my will, in time, I see why.  It's no longer a chore, if sometimes a minor or major pain.  *smile*  And... just a bit funny at that, at times.

Today?  Probably just recovery.  Probably a nap at noon.  Maybe a bit of work.  Vacuuming and hitting the bedroom, if I can.  With appointments out of the way for a while, and little else going on that would force my hand, I can begin building my daily life to some small degree.  I would like to finish the cave, since I am keeping up on food and dishes.  The bedroom needs to be heavily sorted out, vacuuming and steam cleaning would help a great deal, and when those are well in hand, assuming all else has been maintained, getting my garage shop up and running, then hitting the plumbing, would be the next bit.  And, of course, I need to start planning and arranging for both hiking and getting out a bit, which will naturally lead to being set up for the regional burn.  It's a crazy world.  I live in a difficult to work with body.  And yet I think I'll get it sorted out, sooner rather than later, and be back in some of the games before too long.

I am curious what my a1c is.  If it is still below 7 I will have to try to figure out why the machine has been showing 250-350 when testing.  I simply don't consume much of what would cause it to spike.  I am eating more frequently, and generally smaller portions, even adding danged veggies.  Something is going strange with that.  But with the other medicines tended and on track, I can now focus on this.  While I do add sugar to my diet occasionally, say twice a week, perhaps I actually need to add it more.  It seems counter-intuitive, but that is the nature of my anatomy.  I'm not a typical build, right down to the finials and eddies.  Everyone is unique.  Some are more unique.  I don't think I see it as something most would want, actually, though.

Yeah, well, I need to get to things.  Mostly just waking up enough to enjoy a nap in a bit.  *chuckles*

Yeah, I made it.

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I had to pull out all of the stops, but that wasn't as rough as it can be.  I tried to sleep earlier, but that just is not working.  I ended up not getting to bed until after 3:00.  I kept the alarm at 8:00, but didn't rise until 9:42 give or take.  Whatever happened between those times I have no clue.  I remember hearing the alarm at 8:00, but I don't remember what happened with it.  The goal was to be out by 10:00, given that the appointment was at 13:00 and I hoped to have lunch before the appointment, or at least extra time in case traffic was snotty.  At first, given that I was, essentially, just waking at 10:00, I thought to call it off.  I wanted to call it off.  Too tired.  Or, it seemed like it.  I tussled with the notion for ten minutes.  Then decided to just do it.  So, in to the shower...  ah but the girls should be fed first, oh, and water.  Then the shower.  I didn't have time to air dry so I toweled down extra extra extra dry.  Air drying is SO much better.  The towel just can't get everything.  I must leak shower water back out in some places or something!  I dressed rather quickly, set up a few items I wanted to be sure to take.  I even turned on the porch lights, in case I was away longer than the sun was up.

Actually, it was much easier, all told, than what the decision process might have suggested.  It was a little rocky, but just a very little on that rough side.  And with music, life is easier.  When we cleaned the house, one of the things that went missing was the recharge cord for the shuffle.  It's a little, but vital, thing.  When I was shopping last time, I remembered to pick one up.  Actually two.  They only sold them in a package of two at the first store that had them and I wasn't willing, or able, to be picky.  I even remembered, since then, to get the shuffle in, and charged, and remembered to grab it on my way out this morning.  Wait, I think I actually had to come back in to get it.  But music is worth a little hassle. 

I made it to SLC by noon 30, my time.  Which means I was in town by 12:15, driving right by the hospital.  On the way, somewhere, I checked the schedule.  The appointment was set for 14:00, actually, so I had plenty of time.  McDonalds?  Nah.  I get that often enough.  But, just a bit past the hospital, is a Red Robins.  Now, they have some fancy burgers.  A double "hot spiced" burger, fries, and a coke.  Chipotle mayo for the fries.  I really thought about a shot of Crown Royal in one of the sodas but skipped it.  Didn't want to through off the first visit with the new doc.  Docs are already sensitive little mice.  Make em' female and they get real nervy sometimes.  Doubling down, gotta watch it.  And... I'm already just a wee fresh, choir boy seeming nature only makes my man-psych odor seem worse when it finally hits.  Fresh, baby, real new.

That all done, I drove to the appointment.  First b.p. reading hit at a decent 132/94.  They didn't even bother with a second reading, though my guess is some quiet time and I would have been down to 120s/70s, or lower.  Though, if needed or wanted, I can still jack that to 170/130, easily and quickly.  I've checked.  Just give me a reason, punk.  :p  Weight was up.  But I just ate, and I have been eating a bit more and sitting a bit more, just recently.  I figure, as I flush out getting used to being on an even keel with medicine, and start to do more, this will... handle itself.  I'm think I will have an excellent year this year, maybe two years.  Ups and downs, sure, but...  It's getting time to play hardball with my corpse.  It's time to get busy.  In a lot of ways.

So, I meet my new doc.  She isn't hard on the eyes or ears, mostly.  Oh, I can taste that bitter.  Yeah, ol' Doom has a bit of a reputation.  *grin*  But she isn't quite so tired and broken down that she is all bitter, yet, either.  I did a bit of sniffing around her professional style and intentions, and I think they will do.  She is staff, so may be around a bit longer.  A little bitter is fine, actually that's part of my plan... always.  So... don't think you are anything special, ladies, if I give you heartburn and you want to share it back.  You are playing my game.  Just... letting you know.  Anyway, I think she will do fine.  She seems straight and competent.  Though time does tell more clearly.  I did ask about my hand.  She gave it a number of checks and wonders, but it being more mild, still having strength enough, and such, she suggests a minor form of arthritis.  A bit of tylenol, minimal, adding as might be necessary to check the pain on rough days.  Sounds reasonable to me.  And it isn't a problem very often.  Further, my guess is one dose, whatever that happens to be, will probably suffice, a few times a week at worst, a few times a month at best, to deal with the problem.  I asked about crossing aspirin with tylenol (acetaminophen, I think, and probably, really).  Yeah, I know they work differently, but on higher doses they can be a problem.  Too small of dosages, and infrequency with the tylenol (tylenol is easier to write and say, true), she suggested.  So... that's that.  I'll give her the say until or unless she fails, then fails to correct.  So far she is doing just fine.  She doesn't have to like me, or be sweet on me, or any such, so long as she doesn't... go off the rails.  I am a bit relieved, for now.

The ride home was nice.  The drive up was pretty good.  Traffic and idiots on the road, as usual.  But I was rather reasonable, I think.  I don't even think I yelled, mostly, probably.  GAH!  I had one woman who kept altering her speed to ride my butt though.  I... did fix that.  The first 20 miles of me didn't get her to not do it again.  I can't swear if it was the second or third time I did it that she finally decided that riding on Doom's bumper was not a good choice.  He has a tenacity to educate that is unnerving.  I don't know what it was about my bumper, and her.  But I am pretty sure she will completely avoid vehicles like mine for... a day.  *le sighe*

Sam is begging for attention.  Or food?  Nope, just attention.  If I keep up on their litter, and feed them well, Sam becomes all lovey dovy.  And I changed their litter recently, and have been keeping up on it very well since.  Food has been coming down like a dream, hard food is always on tap, and I have even letting them sleep or nap with me fairly often.  Yeah, she loves poppo, and misses him hard when he is gone for a bit.  Oh, and they have been getting treats at least every other day.  Treat em' right and they bow to the king, baby.

I did get an order in for more medicines.  With my medicine sets holding two weeks, and having two of them, I have a bit more of a heads up when I am about to run out.  Still, I need all of the warning I can get.  While in, and since she asked, and being that I had just filled my medicine and knew, I got on that train easily.  Further, I asked if she could ensure I get 3 vials of insulin at a time.  That just means that I can use a fresh vial each month and have between a month and a half and two months to reorder without too much worry.  Trying to do things with only a month or two between reordering can get tight.  Damn but I try, boys and girls.  I do.

If we get that heart working, and diabetes managed I might just start pulling miracles out of my butt.  The last a1c was 6.8, which I think is pretty decent, for me, October, and I think, so...  Odd that my home testing is so high then?  Whatever!  I wouldn't mind seeing a1c drop into the 5s, and it is possible, the way I natively eat, home cooking, and such.  But I think it will take more regular meals.  I have the right foods down, it's just getting enough of it to not cause some of the weird stuff.  I believe.

Later.  

Do or don't, but... just know.

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Some notions to understand.

Beef and vegetables on the way.

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This time I have fresh onion to go, and fresh garlic.  I added a package of mushrooms, more for flavor I think.  I am cooking the beef, onions, mushrooms, and crushed and slightly diced garlic to kick off the show.  After that is finished, I will cook the carrots for a bit, then add the cabbage.  Eventually I will mix it all together into a rough stew, perhaps thickening the au jus, or not.  It's good either way.  And I am cleaning up behind myself, to hopefully limit how much cleanup I will need to do afterwards.  Some of my moms, and some of my women, were pros at in-cooking clean up, leaving very little for when they were done.  I have a limited skill set in this arena.  I know what can be done, I just don't always see it... or do it.  I know what I like to eat, and how to make it.  The rest of it is, well...  it just happens or it doesn't. 

I have been pushing.  Burning the candle at both ends, and a bit too long.  Today won't see much done, other than dinner, most likely.  Why I can't sleep though, I don't know.  I have worn myself out several of these last days.  That has not been enough.  I have continued to rise early.  So that isn't it.  Dunno.  I'll have to figure something out before too long.  These things fix themselves, but I am trying to be in charge of the fixing.  I'm doing well, mostly, save this morning.  But even that wasn't too bad with all of the givens put into the calculator. 

Tomorrow is a travel day.  Not an early one, so I should be okay.  I might head up early enough to have lunch first, and maybe look at a cooking specialty store, in order to calm down a bit after the drive.  But if I do the drive right, I won't be hitting heavy traffic, which itself will help.  I am curious to see just how well my stats will be now that I am on full doses.  Yeah, no, I haven't been checking.  I've been pushing my sleep once I regained footing.  Before that I had no real capacity.  Always something.  That might go back on my list of things to bring back to regularity.  It's mostly just a matter of remembering to do it before I eat or drink anything.

Beef stew sounds good to me.  A chuck roast this time, my favorite.  Later.

Not sure what is happening.

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I simply haven't been able to get to bed earlier, no matter what I do.  My bedtime is advancing.  I didn't get to bed until 5:00 this morning.  Now, until now, I was able to break it up and wake early anyway.  Not today.  I wasn't up until 14:30, give or take.  I have things to do tomorrow, so that isn't an option.  I honestly don't understand, unless spring really has arrived and hard.  More sun, less sleep, and less ability to sleep.  I run through that every year.  It can be exhausting, but it is exhilarating as well.  Until I get a handle on whatever is going on, I am going to be struggling a bit.  Hmm, well, and now that medicines have been dosed up to full blast, and I am learning to manage that balance beam, perhaps I have more energy as well.  It's a heck of a trick.  Once balance is regained though, there is so much energy left over for living that I have to rebalanced everything again.  It's like a tare on a scale.  Only a huge one.

I did finish the dishes last night, all of them.  I cleaned the kitchen a bit.  I need to reset medicine sets, perhaps vacuum, and then think on things.  I don't want to push too much today.  But if I can do a few small things I will.  Oh, and supper...  I will make a roast, with veggies, and get that put together, put up, and cleaned up after.  The goal is to cook three real meals a week, bigger dinner ones, have boiled eggs and fruit on hand, and make a few small meals in there as well.  But... keep the kitchen in order after each meal, small or large.  Hence boiled eggs and fruit, so that I don't have to clean up each meal.  That is too much.  If I had to guess, I would say I am losing weight by eating more regularly.  If I am not losing weight, I am losing size.

It sure was a long recovery.  But I think I'm calling it done.  There remain the kinks to work out, and I am still limited.  For now, though, I am about as good as I can get.  Now to figure out how to optimize beyond the medicine, with food, exercise, getting out, keeping up, and whatever else it will take.  I'm just not a quitter, I guess.  Yeah, this... will do... for now.  Hmm...  I ought to get my pack in order so that, if on an off or odd or on day, and I am out or want to get out, that maybe I can take a stroll into the mountains or hills or wherever.  Never did quite get to that.  Later.

That nap was no 5.56.

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It wasn't even a 7.62... that pup was a .338.  Bam!  Out and down.  Dreams but nothing else.  Yea, I needed it.  When the alarm went off  I didn't want to get up.  I had slept through it for 27 minutes so I decided not to stay in bed, reset.  I had more sleep than I meant and then some.  But... good.  Getting up was a bit of a struggle but once I was up life has been good.  I haven't gotten to much, yet, but I plan on finishing the dishes, and the little bit that I "found" or used since, then hit the kitchen.  That will be about it, save a call to see what is happening with my friend and his machine.  I know him, he couldn't stop from tinkering any more than a kid, given the opportunity, could choose not to open a Christmas present.  Of course, without internet, I can't really help him much.  Win 8 isn't my thing.

The parts for my ak-47 are in.  Probably tomorrow I have some internal tinkering to do.  This won't improve accuracy, or performance, it will merely making complete tear-downs more sure and simple.  I will keep the old piece if it will come out in once piece.  It seems to be stuck in there in some odd way.  With these pieces in hand, now I can get to the complete tear-down needed to sand some of the parts for a smoother action.  I've done a bit of sanding, but I didn't want to get too into it until I could easily and simply take it down and not have to worry about something breaking, so having an ooc platform.  Bleh.  I also, finally, found out how the stock folds.  And that does work.  The button on mine was just a bit gunked up and had to be cleared.

A piece, a bit, a project at a time, and I am coming awake.  It is like coming out of a deep thaw.  There is so much in my life that I have to pull together.  Social, mechanical, mind, body, spirit.  Decades have left layers of rust, parts that need a little tweaking or updating, missing pieces needing replaced.  My fingers are out of practice.  I can't always keep on task even yet.  But, slowly, an area, a piece, a touch at a time, I am remaking my reality.  And I am taking control back, even of something so seemingly simple as adjusting my sleep and wake times.  We are, all, well tuned machines.  Some can be tuned for finer performance, but all can be tuned, if they take the time.  I have the time, and interest, and so it has begun.  The device that contains me is being optimized.  Again.

Oh, I best pull out another roast.  This time with carrots, onions, and cabbage.  Tomorrow night, probably, with a clean up after it is cooked.  Urhm... by the way... I need to rip into my refrigerator and get that thing cleaned out.  Vacuuming and the fridge tomorrow.  Steam vacuuming the living room the day after?  Then, when next I can work, I will begin ripping my bedroom apart for cleaning and reassembly.  If the weather holds, I will get out shooting in the next few weeks.  If we get snow though, I will hit the snow shoe learning curve.  Can't lose?  Maybe.  Later.

In order to...

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In order to do this, sometimes I have to do that.  Because I do that, I don't always get to do this other thing.  Sometimes I can squeeze through.  The last few nights and days I have literally been burning the candle at both ends.  Going to bed late and getting up early.  Actually I did that again.  But this morning I could quite pull off as much of a coup as I have been getting away with.  Down by 3:00, or so, and up at 9:30.  Powerful dreams lately.  They were good ones, this time, last night.  They were power-play dreams, that is all I can remember.  As well, when I woke, I was just a wee on the wickedly tempered side.  Well, my version of it.  I have learned I can never, ever, just let go.  The most I can do is... be obstinately opposed to things.  Shaking my head no, solidly, one extra time, is about all I can get away with, as to being a big baby, in some areas.  Much more and the world can literally begin falling apart and things die.  If I am a gentle giant, it is because, as frustrating as it is, I like my Father's world and trust in His plan.  I would splinter this world otherwise. It is quite fragile for some of us. 

Today?  I am probably just going to struggle through until noon, hit the nap button, take that nap, then figure things out after that.  I have been pushing, hard, long, deep into enemy territory.  I have been getting things done.  I have been setting things up to be done.  I have been tinkering, thinking, doing, and challenging body and mind.  I need to take a day or two of light duty, get my sleep back to an earlier time, and go easy for a bit.  I am hoping to knock out the last of the dishes, finish cleaning the kitchen, coasting on easy eats for a few days while vacuuming and steam vacuuming the carpets, then set up for a well cooked home meal in a few days.  I need to back off just a bit, for a few days, and make sure my medicine sets are re-stocked, my sleep is refreshed and reset, and take care of the little things.  I have been pushing a bit too hard.  I need to... take a breath and reset.

I expect a negative.  But it isn't my question to answer.  I merely have to be ready for whatever answer is given.

Later.

You see, Doom isn't dead, yet, fully.

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The trash barrel was brought in after returning from shopping.  The cat litter was sorted out in a small way after I returned.  The last load of dishes was washed and set to a rinsing soak, to be finished tomorrow.  Checks were made out to bring me up to dues on utilities, plus with payments to next March, put in an envelope and deposited in the depository.  And a lot of shopping happened.  It was more than what I had planned, but when you see regular use items on sale, in bulk?  Yeah, well, so I did stock up a bit.  With my list on my phone and my phone almost always with me, I almost never forget.  Further, if I happen to be in town, or a town, for any reason, I have my list.  I keep running items on it, and have a running total in my mind.  It all works out better now.

I did pick up some gala, but johnathan somethingorothers (I think) I also like.  They were bigger apples and cheaper, so I grabbed some of those.  I will compare.  If I like them both I will go with whatever is marked the lowest or looks the freshest really is what I go for.  Cabbage, Pine-Sol, paper towels, cat food and litter, more meat, this, that, and the other thing.  It adds up.  But I am pretty much set for the next month.  I am a lousy shopper.  This is where women, most women and very few men, shine.  Dollars to donuts, they can become superior shoppers for just the right things at just the right price and knowing what can be skimped and what must be brand name.

Everything is put away.  No left out meats this time.  Well, at least those chops were good.  I just need to relax, now, and wind down for bed.  The alarm is set for 7:00.  I will keep it there until I can rise at 7:00, even if very roughly, and still needing a nap at noon.  I'd like to click it back to 5:00, maybe 5:30, and try to maintain that, adjusting bedtime as needed.  It isn't about rising at a certain time, though that is part of it.  It is about control.  Self-control.  I want that back!  And, even if I am a little rusty at it, and still not fully up to great rigor, this... I am doing.

Haiku Monday - Enchantment

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It seems foam is up with the contest.  Go here to review her rules and regs, notion, and get started.

Enchantment, eh?  That is a much more loaded word than it seems straightaway.  It is a sensory thing, something you can get from a special person or an new, or even old but familiar and missed environment.  It is something that can be attempted to be cast.  It is an enhancement to an item.  At one time, tech was considered magic, and to some it still is.  I don't know where this road will lead my work.

she did not believe

a word, a touch, a right smile

now she does not know

the item was plain

a touch here, a smidgen there

back to God's own true

I remembered well

peaks rose into view slowly

the rebirth of home

Not bad.

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Even with a rough night, going down after 4:00, I was able to climb out of bed by 8:44, and stay up until nap time, if barely.  It was a ballbuster of a night and morning but the nap sure did it's job this time.  Wow!

Yesterday, while thinking about it, I ordered a scope for my rifle.  It should work out well.  After reviewing Rex's rants, I realize that I knew, on any given program, from 30 to 70 percent of the goods.  The problem is the knowledge was incomplete and disorganized in my mind.  Bits here, pieces there.  After listening to some of his stuff some of it is coming together on it's own, some of it is being reestablished or learned, and the knowledge is becoming organized.  The experience is lost, it will have to be totally regenerated.  Probably.  Then again, I am surprised how things I thought were gone can come back to me in just the right situation.  Driving a stick, it seems, is not one of those things.  I still want to find a way to get that back, actually.  I want my next vehicle to be stick.  Hmm... that might have invited the visitors back itself.  Hard to tell.

I purchased a number of grapefruits the last time I went to the store.  I had one almost immediately.  I get a hankering for those, from time to time.  Terrible.  I don't know what it was about it, but I began to suspect that I really didn't like grapefruit and my senses were off.  After my nap, wanting something but not really wanting to work for it, I grabbed a couple of them.  The first one I cut in half, hoping that would... change the outcome.  Didn't matter.  But the outcome was different.  They just must have needed a little time to ripen.  Yum!  The next one I simply peeled and ate, the right way really.  Yeah, one is for fancy dining, one is just for getting every ounce of punch on the nose out of the fruit, plus pulp, juice, all of it, every ounce of punch yum.  My grapefruit nose is back in trim and I will probably gobble these down pretty quickly now.  Aye, an acquired taste perhaps.  But when you have it...  Well... grapefruit are like... women.  (Oh, and happy Valentines Day, ladies.)  *laughs*  Yeah, I love yas.

Damn, feeling rather pepped actually.  My hope is to dig into the dishes shortly, and either wash and rinse or wash and set to a second wash, depending on how they look and feel.  Yeah, I wash the... well... I like things clean to the bone.  I would rather have piles of rotten smelling dishes than piss-poorly cleaned piles of crap in my cupboards.  It IS how I roll.  Do it right or get your stinking hands off my equipment!  Urhm... which is why I often end up living in rubble.  But that's... the way I roll.  And rock.

It seems I have improved sudoku as well as I am going to, just by sight.  I have a choice, at this point, about whether to study patterns and begin working up, and then how far to work up, or whether to just enjoy the level that I am at let any native natural improvements trickle in over time.  I can't say, but I do have the rest of my life.  I can do the easy ones in the 40 second range.  The mid-levels can be done, just by sight mostly, in 2:30.  It's the nutcrackers that... well...  I'm thinking on it.  I'll probably dig a little into it, when and as I can, but I'm not going to become a sudoku nerd.  Hell, I already am, just a natural so it doesn't really count.

Yep, dishes, a shower, the kitchen, trash barrel in, and if I can... checks written, a trip to deliver that, and maybe a trip to town.  No promise.  I even doubt that last but it is possible.  Oh, and maybe a call to my friend to see how the computer is doing...  What of that I can remember.  Later.
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Done... the first parts.  I washed the dishes.  They are clean, so I set them to rinse.  When they cool in a couple hours, and I catch my breath, I'll finish them.  Between the wash and setting them to a rinse, I took a shower.  A nice, long, hot, shower is just the thing.  Now that it is in the... what... 50's outside?  I open the window full blast.  Well, leaving it just closed enough that if someone happens by they won't see more than... well... more than they should and too easily.  Hey, a man's got his secrets.  That gets out I'll need a bat for the hens, again.  :)  Supper will be coming in, and at this time there is no way I will make it to town before that.  Still, as good as I am doing, I may end up there, and get the checks in, before the night is through.  Milk, butter, cat food, cat litter... you know the drill.  I am hoping, now that I am beginning to feel a bit better more often that I can keep up on the cat litter.  The stuff I use is pricy, but if tended it lasts multiples longer.  Actually even when I don't tend it, it keeps the odor in check four times as long.  Trust me, I know.

This coming month I am hoping to get my garage arranged and then begin on the workbench and such.  By next winter I hope to have a heater in there, for cold weather function.  Either that, like I said, a couple of those bigger propane heaters, two for the off rooms and one for the garage.  Well, and a big outside tank.  I'd love to bury it but...  Yeah...  I remember that well.  Then again...  I'll... be thinking on that.  Cases don't work for pay, but meat and pizza doesn't leave anyone sore.  Did I ever...  I lose track, folks, I do.  But I try.  Hmm... that reminds me...

Later.

Less than I hoped, more than I thought.

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Done.

I did finish the dishes that were soaking, and put the last load in, more or less.  Drying and putting what was ready away.  You are never finished with dishes, pots, pans, silverware, and etc.  But...  Trash was collected around the house and taken to the bin, the bin went out.  I don't think it is recycling this week, but whatever on that anyway.  Kitty litter is in the process of being changed.  I am simply allowing the bins to air out, but should have those done in about an half hour.  I also found my checkbook, the one I prefer to use for utilities.  The other account is thinner by volume, but also I like to keep my bills on one account, for easier viewing.

I did a few other minor things.  I have been working on my shopping list as well.  Paper plates!  I didn't make it to town, or call my friend to check on his machine.  While I hope to call and check on that tomorrow, and invite him out if I make it to town, I doubt if he will have internet service quite yet.  I'll try to keep up on that, and be there to just help him as an adviser when that comes online.  Oh, I didn't get a shower in either.

My hope is to get to bed early, and up early again.  Hopefully with less strain, but... dialing back my morning is... a bit of a new and complicated trick.  I haven't even been healthy enough to do that for decades.  I am pushing it now.  Still, it makes me cocky, even while it knocks the snot out of me sometimes.  *cocky*  :)  Then hit the dishes, take a shower, by then maybe take a nap if needed, THEN decide about calls and town.  I did find the dratted elusive checkbook, so I will write out the big check, and a year of checks if I have them, for utilities.  I will even have that in an envelope, ready to be delivered, the next time I am out.  Before going to town, even.  Yeah, I'm on it.

I am more than ready for bed.  But having worked up a head of steam to get the last things muscled through, I am going to need an hour to calm down.  A glass or two of iced water, turning the furnace way down, and stripping to my man-cave mode will all help settle my trim to sleep level, sooner, I hope.

Good night.

A little surprised.

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After having to bust out of bed, as I did, and dragging along the morning like a baited hook that had been stripped to the steel, just dragging the bottom uselessly, listlessly, I wasn't sure just what to expect with the nap and then waking.  First I wasn't sure if my two hour plan would work.  Sometimes that plan just goes down in flames.  Then, however the schedule worked, I wasn't sure what would be available after waking, in the way of energy so as to get to anything.  I didn't even, though, honestly, feel like taking a nap.  I could see the need and purpose for a nap.  If I kept going I would be out of anything functional, energy-wise, at about 14:00-15:00.  Further, I would be able to do nothing in that time.  And more, I would have to either crash then, or stretch to... whenever I could next fall asleep.  Lots of problems with not taking a nap, then and there, were easily calculated.  So down I went.  Not that always knowing helps with the doing.  This time it was purely logic, coupled to wisdom, bound by the capacity to use those.  I'll take that when I can.

It was more like 13:00 when I hit it.  Which is fine, mostly.  I was simply moving slowly as to getting to sleep.  Given the day, and all, that was to be expected.  And there is some give and take with nap-times, if I need one.  So long as I don't try to take a nap at 15:00 or later, I can usually make do.  If even a 14:00 nap is pushing it a bit.  I set the alarm for 15:30.  That extra just gives me time to wake naturally, and enough time if I need more sleep.  I actually woke at 14:30.  I woke well, easily, naturally, and rather... refreshed!  I was slightly confused, but the wiring from this morning must still have been intact.  I was certainly in better shape than I had been this morning, if little more aware right at first.  Not quite ready for work first thing, but wanting to target that, I drained the dishes and filled the bin with more hot soapy water, then heated a bite for lunch.  Noodles, meat, broth.  Simple, and it works. 

If I can get dishes going before long, then I will take a shower.  Afterwards, I will put the pans I used most recently into a hot soak and maybe even kick those out before the day is done so that all dishes are clean.  After soaking those, in any case, I will begin looking (actually again, and even again today) for the checkbook I want for utilities.  I'll give that an half hour.  I think I know the three or four areas it might be.  I just need to do a solid review of those places.  Tedious.  Bleh.  Whether I find that or not, my next goal will be to get to town and do just a bit of shopping.  Milk, a bit of fresh produce, cleaning supplies as I seem to be fresh out...  I'll be drafting/adding to the list through time from now to then.  Supper is coming in tonight, so I will either go before that, or more likely after.  The last thing I might get to, tonight, is finishing off the kitchen, including a complete kitty litter change, taking the trash and recycling out, and whichever bins to the curb are required, then getting to bed between 22:00 and midnight.

It ain't much folks.  But it is as good as I have been able to even plan in quite some time.  I might not get all of it, or even most of it done.  I simply don't know.  I'm feeling it, but feelings are a fool's proof.  And, while I may be a fool, I'm not that foolish.  And, yes, foam, I am leveling off with the medication.  It's still tight.  It just isn't brutal, or blinding, or completely numbing.  It's just... tight... not debilitating.  It will probably cycle up and down a bit more strongly for a short while, then... I can get back to the typical highs and lows of merely being mostly dead!  :)  Hey, take it where you can get it.

Later.

Not feeling up to much.

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It's noon, though, so I can nap.  But I wanted to say something.  As I mentioned, I am not up to much, certainly not a full post.  Thankfully, one of the ladies I commonly read put up a mouthful in a click.  It... pretty much says what is on my mind as well.

h/t Opus #6

Well... nap time.  Later.

Ever tried to wrestle a full grown bull?

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I suppose, in the purely technical understanding, neither have I.  However, I am calling that a done deal in another sense.

I went to bed at about 23:00 last night.  I simply could not force sleep, however.  It must have been past midnight and perhaps past 1:00 before I could sleep.  I was just about to quit the effort when sleep sapped me like a sandman mickey.  I woke at 4:35 or so with... something uncomfortable and gastrointestinal going on.  Ended up just being like conservative politics, all wind.  Still, I went to the bomb shelter, just in case.  Staying awake was not an option and thankfully it wasn't an interest either.  Back to bed and quite easily.  The alarm was set for 8:00.  I figured if I didn't like 8:00 I could just roll it over to 9:00.  One being three hours, plus, earlier than what had been becoming the norm, the other a two hour earlier than usual rise.  A nap, if need be, and a weak morning, would cover for my time correction as to my schedule, I hoped.  Okay, this is where wrestling a bull comes in.

So the alarm goes off at 8:00.  Oh, I hear it.  But there isn't a very good neuro-patterning going on.  It felt more like I was hearing through my nose or something.  Rolling over to get to the alarm with brain signals not going to the correct places was one heck of an effort, I'll tell you.  But, finally, twisted in my blankets on top of everything, I get rolled around to where I am face to face with the alarm.

Now... what the heck am I supposed to do with this... loud, blinky, obnoxious... thing?  Let me see.  It's loud.  It is flashing light.  I can see it.  I honestly could not remember what to do with the thing.  My mind suggested something about hitting it, or changing numbers, or such but none of that made any sense.  And my body really wasn't responding well.  Ah!  Getting an arm free of the blankets helped with the latter part.  I still couldn't logic the thing out when instinct took over.  My arm swung out and bopped it, in a sideways swipe.  I think it was trying to hit the snooze AND change the numbers, but didn't know how to do either and was hoping for luck.  Luck was had.

I laid there, looking at the thing for a bit, not sure if the results were satisfactory.  After a while, without noise, I must have twisted back into the bedroll and found sleep.  My mind still wasn't sure I had done what I had wanted to do.  But without a reason to think on it more, it wouldn't stay focused on the problem.  I think I more forgot about the alarm and what I or it was doing in the first place, than...  The snooze is good for four minutes, as if that meant anything to me.  I did this... I am not sure how many more times.  It just kept happening.  Ugh!

At some point, I woke, inside my mind anyway, enough to be sad.  I had probably turned off the alarm, and missed my goal of waking early today.  Or had I just hit the snooze until the alarm stopped working?  It seems like it had been a long time since I had heard anything.  I could only guess what time it was.  I couldn't do much else.  Just be sad, and mostly asleep just go back to sleep.  My mind rolled back into sleep before I could shed a little tear.  Yeah, I can cry from frustration, from time to time.

All of a sudden, like some crazy evil version of the movie Groundhog Day, the alarm went off again.  At first, since I was just waking again, I didn't relate this to what had just happened.  I wondered if I had reset the alarm.  This time, after going through the rolling over and getting an arm out, but before the arm naturely bopped the alarm, I focused to hold the arm and wake the mind, then open the eyes to actual vision.  I had looked, every time I rolled over, but had never seen the time.  I wanted to see the time this time.  Oh, you cannot imagine how much concentration it took to do those three things after all the fuss to just get in position.  CONTROL.  Every ounce of everything I could muster, but I did it.

8:44

So... I hadn't changed the time or otherwise, somehow, killed the alarm?  I wasn't outside of my hoped waking time?  I wanted to cheer.  For forty four minutes, eleven snoozes, being completely unable to wake enough to change the time or figure anything else out, I kept wrestling with blankets, a nearly blank mind, and everything else to keep having to roll and eventually figure out how to swat?  All my instincts, however, directed that I just slam the alarm clock, again, and roll back over.  My body was still not really connected to my mind, will.  As my arm flew to the 'smack' position, my mind had to fight through sleeping neurons and disconnected lines of control.  It was like swimming through the mud of myself.  It couldn't have taken long but it seemed to take forever.  I wasn't sure I would be able to... swat my arm from smacking the clock.  Did my arm slow, thinking a signal might be on the way?  Did my body stall for me?  Or did that flash of a microsecond just seem to drag on in my mind?  I don't know.  In the end I was able to keep from hitting the snooze.  Okay, control of body by mind is re-established, but now what?  Ah...  I still have to hit the snooze?  Urhm... no.  I will be waking up, so I can... what?  Ah!  Turn the alarm off.

That was a whole other level of waking though.  And that noise was infuriating.  I truly hate alarm clock sounds, by the way.  Truly.  So, while trying to figure out how to turn the alarm off, I went ahead and consciously hit the alarm.  No sliding slam, this time, just a gentle press of the snooze bar.  Then moments of thinking on how to turn off the alarm.  Don't fall asleep!  I had to balance all these processes carefully.  After what seemed like forever, my mind barely staying conscious, I remembered how to shut the alarm off.  There!

I rolled back.  My body thinking, since I had done all that, at great exhaustion for having to do a horrendous amount of work, that we were done.  It rolled back into the fetal position, swirling back into the blankets, planning to go back to sleep.  I, stuck in that sleeping bull, almost went along for the ride.  No.  No, no, no, no!  I told my body it was time to wake.  I had no ally in that.  I didn't wait for agreement, or acceptance, or anything.  I sent the order to kick the legs out.  Somehow, my body knew how to unwind from the covers, get the legs out, and begin standing.  I got to the seated position, anyway.

How long had all that taken?  I looked over at the alarm to see how much time I had wasted just... getting to this point.  8:44.  8:44?  Not even a full minute from when I heard the alarm to sitting?  It seemed like it had taken an hour, or at least an half hour.  But, no.  I was up, in the time frame I wanted, or soon would be.

After that?  I went to the restroom.  Whatever had been disturbing my gi had worked it's way through.  To great joy.  I hate empty trumpeting, that is all I will say about that.  Thankfully, for me, it is rare.  Then, after washing up, I thought about doing the dishes.  Not quite yet.  I gave myself a break for having been a good boy.  I'll do those later.  But the girls needed fed, so I did that right away.  They were rewarded for poppo's accomplishment with an early feeding.  I sat, started writing this, and somehow it is already 10:15 (by my alarm time)?  Crazy.  Where did the time go with me being awake?  It only took a few minutes to actually write this.  Crazy.

Yeah, so I have wrestled a bull.  And I am feeling it.  I figure I will be down for a nap by noon.  And I will take it.  Two hours, down, then back up.  Dishes, if not before, then after.  I will then look over the rest of my list for today.

By the way?  AWESOME!

Later.

You may think I think...

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that I am clever.  Honestly, I don't think I am all that clever at all.  I do believe that I try to stick with the truth of things, not allowing myself to be bogged down with fictitious "what ifs", or persuaded by gilded tongues knowing the lack of worth of gold save to a fallen world and all.  Not even split tongues get my attention.  I've seen better, and worse, I'm not impressed.  And while I might be able to cut a mean rug, and I might have a trick or three up my sleeve, my impetus is never unknown, unknowable, or even indirect.  I neither aim low, or high, but always on target.  If you know what the target is, you will always know what I am about.  Curious?  Read the bible, one that hasn't been corrupted.  That'll at least put you in the neighborhood.  Now, am I a crack shot?  I'll tell you this, an early devoted Christian would know how well I shoot.  Moderns?  They don't know themselves.  They don't know much.

Lunch was had.  While the noodles had dried a bit much, extra cooking, then adding them to the beef and broth, brought them around.  No, as I mentioned, not as good as what my mother makes.  I won't complain though.  Add a bit of water when heating in the micro, and I end up with a meal that sure reminds me of my childhood.  I'll get better, in time.  But nothing will ever be as good as then, there.  It just doesn't work like that, even if my mother ended up liking mine better.

I will be giving the dishes a once over and resoaking them, then going to bed early.  I will set the alarm for early, probably several hours earlier, if I get the dishes knocked out quickly enough.  Tomorrow the goal is the finish the dishes, call my friend for a computer progress report, then do a bit more in the kitchen to finish it off and get the trash and recycling out.  Unless I end up going to town, but I am thinking more Monday for a trip to town.  I need milk and some other things.  Gala apples perhaps.  Assuming my friend is ready to have his machine tickled to something like a ready, less Win 8, machine.

Oh, I need to get a big check and a dozen smaller checks for local utilities.  I can't find the checkbook I want, so I best look for that off and on tomorrow.  And I need to pick up one of the AK parts from the post office.  I'd like to get that switched out before long, as well, perhaps Monday night or Tuesday.  I also need to reload my medicine sets.  I have a week left, give or take, but...  And now that I am at max and in trim, I can just refill them both, completely, whenever I happen to fill one.  I need to call about insulin.  I keep carrying over an old vial, which they have proscribed.  But I don't have enough to keep changing every month and remembering to reorder is difficult.  Bleh.  Oh, and I have an appointment coming up later in the week.  It is later in the day, so all good, I think.  Especially if I can get to bed in time and begin reclaiming the morning.

Gah!  Almost forgot to feed the girls! 

Good night.

Almost back to trim.

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Between what medicine does, and what happens when I push when medicine is doing it's thing, I took a bit of a beating recently.  Thankfully the only thing I really strained was of mind, will, and such... things that don't make me limp, they simply keep my butt married to a chair.  And so it has been.  Last night I got a bit of a wind, though.  I had hoped I would do much more.  I did finally do some cooking.  But I wouldn't let that happen until I at least set up dishes for washing, which I did.  I am hoping for more, today, when I wake up.

To give the dishes a first wash, then resoak in hot sudsy water, have a lunch, a rest or a nap, then maybe finish the dishes.  Saturday, is it?  Hmm...  If I get that done, for a reward, I may see about heading into town.  Milk, cream (still have a container but only one), and a few other items.  Oh, paper plates!  Man alive but regular plates add up fast and add a great deal of bulk to the dirty dishes.  I love my good dishes, I do.  They simply add up too quickly.

I've been watching some vids regarding rifle firing solutions.  What is that, you ask?  It is another name for precise aiming at longer distances.  Beside having learned bits about that, if long ago, it was all around me in the Navy.  Beside small arms, and even on submarines.  From missiles to torpedoes, they all had to calculate a firing formula.  Those were checked and rechecked.  Of course, with those munitions being self-propelled, the calculations were... slightly different.  Some of that was classified.  Actually, everything about submarines is.  It wouldn't surprise me to find that the dimension for the toilet lids, and how they were attached, was somehow classified.  And I ain't telling so don't ask!  Oh I laugh, I do.

Friday, is it?

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A cold and rainy day.  I woke a bit late, but my days are tilting.  I will be trying to recover a regular schedule, and may be able to do it this time.  A bland, do-nothing day.  Getting out yesterday, in my current condition, is weighing me down.  It was worth getting out though.

I have done a bit of research on several topics that are of interest.  A few items arrived today, as well.  I have been looking for a couple of cooking items and found some, possibly.  I like steel cooking utensils, stainless.  But I also like think handles on them.  I found just what I had been looking for, the only question is if they are too mild of a steel.  As soon as I get my shop set up, I will probably grind one of the spatulas, as they aren't really good for flipping, as is... getting under the crunch of some things.  If that works, I may do the other, or keep it more solid for less delicate items.  I also bought a set of dip-strainers, for pasta, maybe taking the foam out of my beans as they cook and such.  I've always wanted a set, now I have them.  Yeah... I'm... a believer in the right tools for specific jobs, up to a point.  These will mean I can make smaller volumes of noodles with less hassle.  Or... to my mind.  We will see.  As well, a couple of the books I wanted, mostly animal anatomy, arrived, as did sketching supplies.  I had hoped to get these in town, or at least review them, compare.  I simply haven't been to town, and haven't been able to get there often enough.  So... I just went with the best, and quite reasonably priced in some cases, that I could find.  Chalks and pencils of many 'calibers', drawing paper that can hold the chalk, and the books should give me a place to start.

I also ordered a few items for my AK.  Nothing fancy, nothing I wasn't sure about.  A tool for the iron sights, a couple of replacements for the shepherds' hook, a loader for the magazines, and... something else.  I've thought about a replacement trigger.  But to be honest, I am rather happy with the trigger.  What a little sandpaper will do is amazing.  I have more work, sanding the carrier rails and a few other parts, and more on some of the parts.  Not to automate, I don't need that, or want it at the moment.  I simply want to smooth out the action, trigger, and a few other parts, simply to extend the life, reduce some side issues, and keep the thing from bucking, as much as that is possible.  Tinker tailor, soldier sailor...  I ought to order tracer rounds.  Put two as the first to load and you will always know when your magazine needs changed before you fire that last round.  Technically, then you are never without at least one round and it's easier to flip a mag in clean, without having to charge a round.  Business, you see.

I have been reviewing rifle scopes, for various applications.  As well, scope technique.  To a degree, that isn't rocket science.  But it is detailed and specific.  It's not just elevation and windage, but temperature, barometric pressure, and a ton of other little variables that can all come together to invalidate a shot.  Yeah, I knew some of this at one time, but that was... a lifetime ago.  Me?  I prefer mildot and a couple of other things.  It's a rangefinder when you learn to use it.  While you won't always be able to do as you please, having the variables in mind can allow you to take that, possibly, impossible pot-shot, if need be, and still be in the zone you want.  Then again, even accounting for every variable... it's not a science... it's an art.  I was once a minor artist in the field.  I want that back and maybe a little more.

What else today?  Not much.  I still want to get the last of the dishes done, then work on a meal or two.  But...  Yeah...  I just don't know.

Dang. I was working on another nothing day when...

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My friend called.  I wasn't sure whether to answer.  Yea, one of those days.  While I am better, I wouldn't say I am in good condition.  Just better than the worse and worser conditions.  I went ahead and answered.  He wanted to buy a computer, so as to be able to go online.  The machine I had hoped to give him broke, for no apparent reason.  My guess is someone has been in here, and dropped it.  That's the only thing that would have caused the particular malfunction.  Still, he got a better machine, so...  He also has a printer, and I suggested a regular corded mouse.  Mickey mousing around with having to keep batteries going in those things is a nuisance, as is wireless interference and the ability to hack through that wireless devices.

It took a bit.  I had to shower and dress.  Something hinky was going on with my internet until I... fixed it.  Oh yes, people have influence.  But they should know their places.  I am stubborn as steel, and more, if pressed.  Never the who.  I got my internet stuff done and then finished prep and headed out.  It was a bit tough.  Just, as I said, not the best of days.  I was pleased to be out, to have I hope been helpful, and to get a good meal down.  I was barely able to eat, to be honest.  But that is a good time to try to put something down. 

After shopping and dinner I stopped by his place and talked for a little bit.  I told him to go ahead and tinker.  Even without the internet.  He didn't realize the machine would work without that.  Oh noes!  The thing is, even starting as a dead to rights noob, as I told him, he has the kind of mind that will glom onto a computer and the internet.  He is curious, bright, and detailed.  Actually, he has a better mind for it than I do.  I just have experience and typing skills that are out of this world.  I wrote this, for example, about as fast as I think to write it, almost.  Oh, after some of the learning curve, and a fix of his machine, he should be an internet master in six months or less.  He really does have that sort of mind, and the time.  If he isn't all that healthy, it is mostly the physical that troubles him.  With time to burn and the lack of energy required when the internet and machine are up and running, he will... travel far on the superhighway. 

I told him about YouTube, about finding those songs and movies he knew and enjoyed, and much else.  Oh, he knows.  A bit.  His friend has a machine, and he has been to the library to use their machines, but there is nothing like having 24/7 access to answer questions, figure some things out, get inspired, or even deal with a rough spell.  Yea, he is going to like this... when he doesn't hate it because it doesn't work or becomes frustrating.  That, however, even for a master, is part of the deal.  You get, but you also lose.  The question, always, is if the payout is worth the cost.  I think, for him, for me, it is.  Mostly.

It's about bedtime.  Perhaps a bit of gaming.  I forgot medication this morning, in my "rush", so need to take that and want to take actual bedtime medicine so as to keep that up.  A bit of a strain, but...  I missed yesterday night, don't want to do that twice in a row.  Right now, everything is tight.  So I need to keep it pretty even of keel or... I could get in trouble.

Good night, probably.

Sith apprentice?

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To the secular, perhaps.  Vox wrote about how many of us new men are being considered.  We see that women aren't equal, that minorities are not equal, that many of, if not almost all, of the modernist "truth" is not only untrue but unworthy of appreciating, supporting, or for many of us even debating.  Global warming, evolution, science (as it is being misrepresented these days in any case), modern politics, and many other topics are hit upon, often, even here where I simply don't deign to bother with such nonsense, mostly.  Vox, and some of the higher level menfolk in the "order" do spend a great deal of time... massacring those notions and showing how false these things are.  Modern day Houdinis, I say.   Some of us merely crush such notions and toss them on the pile without bothering, mostly, with explaining why.  Even now, science is beginning to catch up with reality, what of science still remains, if much of it is still kept as professional secrets, so as not to... upset politics, business, the feelings of the inferior.  Leftist politicians know, and flaunt the falseness of their church of hell, but with cover from their armies of useful idiots, the media, academia, and big crony business.  They do so, to this point, with immunity.

Many of the folk, such as Vox, it is said, are Sith Lords.  As I said, to untrue ideology, they are just that.  But in the realm of the true, real, honest, and fact, they are no such thing.  I am quite sure, in the Star Wars paradigm, when the Emperor and Darth Vader took control, the remaining jedi were also considered Sith.  The good became evil by proclamation.  As it was in fiction, so it is in fact.  I have only ever earned the title of Darth Vader.  I was almost a little jealous of their media accolades.  But then I thought about it.  I think being an apprentice, if that is the way of it, is not all that bad.  I am unconnected with anyone else, so I am my own, in a way. 

Why only an apprentice?  I won't say that I am, or not, in a world turned upside down, one thing or another.  What I will say, is if I am an apprentice, my Lord is easily known.  In one form He Is Who He Is, in another He lived, died, and lives yet, as an example.  In another, He breathes the fire of life, forgiveness, sustains purpose, gifts, offers insights, and delivers messages.  If I am a dark master, then God is evil.  I am gladly a Sith apprentice if that is the case.  Take your pick.  If that is how the world will tell it, I will gladly accept it.

I just had to square some circles, put this down, and discern.  Well, and chuckle.  The ankle biters stay away, because I don't entertain them, as Vox often does.  I simply kick the mad little dogs to the curb with no more thought than blowing my nose.  Still, he enjoys, and probably has more purpose than I, in the world.  Sometimes I wonder if he still has some hope for the world is all.  Me?  I put my hope in God, and those who abide Him.  The rest?  Not my area, or... not yet.  *grins*

Good thing I am being careful.

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To end the night last night, on a celebratory note, I had a mixed drink.  Nothing fancy, not too strong, and truly, just a sip.  I really, probably, in some levels of illness and such, should not have a sip.  And I sort of knew that.  Exuberance can lead to mistakes.  It was a slight mistake.  I will recover easily enough.  And it isn't too awful, just very surprisingly even noticeable given how little I actually sapped upon.

Sassy decided, this morning, to try to hassle poppo for teh foodz(tm).  I actually wasn't getting up all that late, so I took umbrage.  I gently shooed her off when she was show me how ticklishly sharp her claws were.  But I was playing nice.  She stopped doing that and decided instead to tickle poppo.  I was too awake to just throw her, that can happen if she triggers something dark while I am more asleep than not.  However, I had had enough.  She was being a bit fast and tenacious for me to pull her into a snuggle with out waking more than I wanted to.  Some days she just... she has it on.  So... I grabbed her head then sort of didn't let go.  I was able to get another half hour sleep in that way.  I let go after about five minutes, with her struggling almost not at all, and she behaved after that. 

Since she was good for that half hour, maybe hour?, I fed them right when I woke.  I noticed one of the packages of turkey "tenderloin" was out.  I am baking that in the oven for an half hour, then I will pan fry it.  My guess is, turkey, just as chicken and most fowl, should be cooked to death.  You can do that and keep some moisture, but it's tricky.  I'll see if I can learn how to do these before I run out of them.  They aren't going to be all that good.  I understand that.  It'll just be a blob of protein.  But, right now, that should be enough.  Of course, if I could mess up a gravy or sauce... that helps even shoeleather if that is what you are down to.  If you can do it right.  For turkey?  I would make a cranberry or some other tart berry, fowl stock, medium-thick brown sauce.  Though orange wouldn't be bad either, perhaps with crisped pine nuts.  Since it has bacon on it, no side meat is necessary.  I thought about a ginger sauce, but prefer that on things like fresh seared tuna.  Though... it might be worth a try.  Yeah, that's how I think, and cook... when I have backup.

Even with the mussed up mind-hair from the sip, I am still feeling a bit better this morning.  Not better than last night, not as good as last night, but not as bad as usual.  Why, I almost feel alive and awake, if just barely.  I will try to scoot through until 13:00, take a nap, then hit the dishes and some other things.  Lord knows, it feels good to not feel so bad, even if this is just a little respite.  I'll take what I can get of it, push to do things if I can, or otherwise just smell the flowers until the hammer comes down again.

Last night I did order tickets for the little burn in Arizona.  I am not sure about BMan official, I'm leaning against.  But when you feel so rough that staying up a whole day is a horror inducing proposition, that is probably not the time to make decisions.  I'm thinking on things, that's all.  I'll know more soon.  Life just doesn't, even yet, and possibly for a few more weeks, make any kind of sense that allows for clearer thinking.  Eeyore knew the score!  

Later.

Not bad, for now.

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It's almost like some weight was lifted.  I've been able to enjoy gaming.  Yeah, it's not much, but it is rather demanding to be honest, at least for sedate function.  I can't say if this is permanent, though probably not.  I just got a little break and will catch my wind as possible.  If tomorrow is this good, I hope to hit the last of the dishes, get out to at least pay a local bill I owe, and... if that works out, perhaps get to town for just a smidgen of shopping.  I'm still feeling a bit under the weather, but not so terribly that I can't fight it.  It's not a great fight, but that isn't always the whole point.  As with gifts, sometimes it really is the thought that counts. 

Hungry though!  I did forget about that.  But I was busy, dang it.  Hmm, I bet I have something fast and snazzy around.  Whatever else, it does feel good to feel like I want to go toe to toe with something, someone, anyone.  Oh, I don't get nasty, mind you.  Think of a bull remembering, and wishing, for the rut.  Sharpening horns, practicing kicking up dust.  It's not quite time, but the... want is there already. 

I keep doing research on bush craft.  Much like prepping, there is a load of bull out there.  I don't mind a guy giving tips on cost strata, but when he shows ten different ways to camp... yeah.  First, it gets a bit confusing.  Which gear does he think is best?  He really never says in the sense that he supports about any kind of camping imaginable.  That's fine, but then he should do a round up of the various camping gear set-ups, what would be best for general, for winter, for light and fast, etc.  As is, it looks like none is best.  There always is a better.  Sure, could just trial and error it.  And, there really isn't a choice truth be told.  But it would be good not to see ten different camp techniques all seeming to be equal.  Never mind, I'll keeping digging.

It is about bedtime.  See you tomorrow.

Thinking about computers.

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I do need a new machine, badly.  I see that Win 7 can still be purchased, but after they have set, or have, dropped support for XP, I am not sure I can trust that they will maintain support for Win 7 much longer.  They are like Zero, trying to force stupid on people.  Some have no choice.  I do.  While I am thinking, now that I have a console and don't need a computer for games, of simply going with Linux, the problem there is going with Linux means going with soon to be obsolete tech, so the need to buy extras remains.  Well, and you aren't getting much bang for the buck.  It isn't even any more reliable or hack free.  As with my cellphone, it may be time to just get out of the system whole hog.  Save for blogging.  This machine will do that, so long as it lives.  And I do have an old, unused actually, back up machine if this fails. 

I have been more of a tech trendsetter, in my time.  But tech has gone downhill and is pretty much Chinese and NSA made crap these days.  It's not really worth the hassle.  Even the internet, other than shopping and some very careful research, is pretty much dead in the water.  Slowed down by spying and killswitches, hacked to pieces, and just as likely to lead you astray as guide you without a great deal of work on your side...  Grumbling, to be sure, but not wrong.

I'll figure something out, I always do.  How to get the most while giving the least, when dealing with tech, financials, and personal data.  Today, tech is more like banking, you really can't win.  It's a matter of how much you lose.  Bleh.  Later.

Ever feel like a floating object in a tornado?

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It could be worse.  A non-floaty thing, like a people or a car, in a tornado, is actually worse... for the object.  As is, it is more similar to being, say, a feather lost in a storm.  Even when I land, I don't stay down for long.  When I am airborne, I go up and down, and can't quite get free of the forces in play.  I couldn't sleep until midnight.  While not a horrible time, it isn't what I had planned or hoped.  I set the alarm for 10:00 but woke a bit after 8:00.  All good.  I will probably need a nap by noon, perhaps a second nap though second naps are actually pretty rare.

I am not feeling up to it, but I am, again, setting some goals.  Starting the last of the dishes, figuring out the baskets of unfolded laundry.  I am not going to do more laundry until I have some free baskets!  Bleh.  Oh, and maybe cooking something... anything. 

I finally actually received a call about the men's meeting yesterday.  But there was no way I could make it.  I did nap yesterday, which normally will help.  But naps haven't been helping, mostly, for a long time.  They are merely stop-gaps to help me maintain a daytime schedule.  They don't refresh.  Sleeping at night doesn't invigorate either.  I have been doing good to move around every few hours.  That... is my life, for now.  I have been, every third to fifth night, skipping night medicine.  While not perfect, like napping, it has eased the strain of medications just a bit.  Medicine is simply beating me in the face and leaving me for half-dead.  I am keeping the cheating to very limited, controlled, precise, spots, and only when I think I can't take the lash even one more time, for the moment. 

Never mind.  I have some goals, I have a fallback position.  If I have nothing else, and get to nothing but keeping days in line, I will be satisfied.  I'll keep trying.  I do know that, in not too many weeks, I will be in the clear again.  I have been through this before.  I don't know if it is winter making it worse, or just having to start medicines up from clean, that is wiping my ticket.  I have done well, maintaining consciousness, effort, and even being successful in doing some things.  This is honestly the best severe drop I have ever had.  It has also hurt the most, because I didn't allow myself to collapse into it.  At times, when I am solid on medication, I can drop it for a few days, and that helps.  But not in this situation.  It is too tenuous.  I have to keep going until I am over this mountain... and well past it... before I can tinker that way.  Trust me, even now I know what I am doing better than any physician could.  I know what is being sought.  Much like weight lifting, when I can do it, I know what the burn is and how to get it, and when I have done enough that I can skip a session for better results.

Later.

Risks, the impossible, possibilities, prices.

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Browse as you will.  I could tell you.  I think I'll let you write your own story... or leave you to guess what it all means.

Holy moly.

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It took a bit to get back down.  Mostly because I was moving so slowly.  The medicines are definitely gearing everything down.  I did call in, cancel, and reschedule, but this time for 13:00 on some afternoon in April.  It took an hour for me to settle enough to resettle in for the "night".  I didn't wake until about noon.  Even then, getting up was tough.  I pushed it though.  I will be awake until supper comes, I think, then I am going to hit it pretty hard again, giving myself ten hours of sleep, if needed, by the alarm.  I'll get up then, too, even if I need two naps later in the day to do so.  I'm impressed with how well I have kept to days, doing whatever it takes.  And, yes, often, it hurts like hell to do it.  You have no idea what tricks I have to pull to keep this gig going.

It's beautiful to be showered, though.  I am ready, or least look like it.  After a year of living more akin to a normal human, showering fairly often and such, my toe nail skin is no longer like shards of broken glass.  You should have seen the looks on the faces of the doc and nurse that saw those the last time I was in.  My medi-doc, at the time, had seen those and sent me to a specialist.  They could literally cut my skin, well... your skin.  My skin is... different.  Still, it made him nervous, with diabetes and all, so a trip to the specialist.  They spent close to 45 minutes with their version of a dremel, mostly just breaking that "ice" on my toes.  The calluses on my big toes and 'palm' were pretty fast.  Now?  My feet look human.  One toe, for the first time in over a year, had a blade on it, but that was taken care of easily.  I am healthier.  Showering more regularly, and eating more regularly, helps.

Lately though, eating hasn't been all that possible.  I just can't eat, often, always.  When my system slows down this much, it feels like I am always full.  My body doesn't want to do the work, perhaps can't, of digesting much food.  Grapefruit is okay, though this isn't the best tasting grapefruit, so...  Still, it's soft, light, and wet.  Most other foods I try, even in small amounts, put me down.  I'm trying sunflower seeds, currently.  The trick is to do those in small quantities.  Easy enough, for the moment.

I called my mom, just to check in.  I woke her from a nap, and knew.  She is as tired as me, lately.  But they have had a long, cold, hard, dark winter.  The winters I remember in Iowa, only without breaks.  Even on her trip to Texas this time, the cold followed right along.  The woman can't catch a break this year.  I did try to cheer her though.  We are getting warm and sunny days, or got some.  It doesn't stop there.  She usually gets a taste of our weather a few days after we do.  Just the right lat and long to send it, usually.  She thought, perhaps, grocery shopping.  Then, like here, she decided that another nap, then maybe to the store, was in order.  Only, she will probably make it to the store.  Or, maybe tomorrow. 

Later.

I am actually glad I couldn't make it.

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Tired, in the heart.  Sore, in the heart.  The medicine is forcing a down-tick in function and it makes everything difficult.  Just the effort to get ready, this close to raising my medication, hurts.  At least having to do it this fast.  Oh, I could have seen it through, and would have, but I would have been toast.  Actually, just from what I have done I will be ooc for a bit.  I am going to stay awake long enough to call in, then I'm crawling back to bed.  I pushed too hard, successful or not.

I tried.

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Down by 21:00, up by 4:30.  The alarm had been going off since 4:00 though.  A bit of breakfast, a shower, then I fed the girls.  I took my medicine, brushed my teeth for the thing and put the tooth brush and paste in a sack to go, for a refresher there.  I then got my phone.  But I was moving so slowly.  I clipped my fingernails, and looked at the time.  Too late.  I would not have made it in time.  Where did the time go!?!  I'll call at 7:30, to reschedule.  Hopefully for later in the day.  In good weather, leaving at 5:30 would be fine.  And, while the roads are, probably, clear, I don't know about fog.  Last I heard, fog is a problem.  Snow doesn't bug me, if ice does.  But fog scares me, especially on a timed circuit.  I did what I could.

Dreams.  Of my foster family.  I remember that well, as with most aspects of my youth.  My mother was on the edge between when women were daughters of Eve and when they were becoming daughters of Lilith.  She acted as a daughter of Eve but was taking on the spirit of Lilith.  She despised me, and loved me, in the ways of both.  Hating my hyper masculine nature, even so, both types of women are subject to it.  Lilith only maintained her created equality by fleeing, because in man's presence, she too will fall to it.  The hate was visceral, almost tangible, but even at that age... manageable for one such as I.  She obeyed.  Her love and her hate divides her, as does her flesh and spirit.

Most women, today, are Lilithian.  It matters not, not in my presence.  The ones who bother to hate on me for my nature are crushed and called stupid, even by their own though.  I don't fully understand that.  I don't worry about it too much either.  I once had an opportunity to marry a woman.  But it wasn't, truly, her choice.  I let her go.  I didn't have to.  But the only true power a woman ever has in this life is... yes or no.  She gets that choice exactly once.  Whether it be her hand or just her body, once given, her choice is lost.  No matter what else she does after that.  I would not take the only thing women ever get.  I don't know how things end, always, or the rest of the story.  I just know that taking the only choice a woman can ever have is the one thing I have never done, or done wrong.

Dreams.  Lots of dreams last night.  I did sleep well.  Solid.

Since I didn't make it to the appointment, and since I am ready, I may try to make it to town for a bit of shopping today.  I won't swear that I will make it.  I may have peaked a bit early.  Driving myself to this point takes some serious mojo, at least with how I have been doing.  I am already collapsing in on that effort, without the impetus of the road pulling me forward.  Perhaps some coffee will help.

That post, Uhmhum, was created by my subconscious mind as I was free floating in the nether.  The notion has been on my mind lately.  I do think there are those who think that is what they may be about.  But they don't understand.  They are given the notion of the task to see if I am still... active.  I almost feel sorry for them.  Pawns.  Even if they think they created the notion of their own volition, they simply do not understand.  It is why... they are allowed to be.  I do crawl right into their minds with them.  My last doctor was one such case.  Her thing, so she thought, was Lilithian-based.  I saw her suffer, and hate, and lose.  I wonder about this next one.  Oh, if I wished, I could be cruel.  All I want is professional function and personal detachment.  We will see what we will see, shortly.  *skips*

Later.

Stretched and down.

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I could get to nothing today.  Not even a nap!  I have dental early in the morning and a long way away.  I received a call this morning, letting me know I had an appointment.  I didn't realize my condition, still thinking I would find a way to... something, or I would have asked for a rescheduling.  I will try to make it.  I need to get to bed shortly in order to get there though.  The best I could do was a short bit of gaming, a little sudoku, and changing chairs every few hours.  Trust me, that was pushing things.

There is no pain.  But the exhaustion is pretty intense.  I do wonder if exhaustion causes my mind to... wander.  Or if it is the other way around.  My post, last night, for example.  To be honest, I don't think I am on a list.  Well, I am and I am not.  I irritate certain people.  Not the people I would know, really.  There is that, but all writers do that, from time to time.  No, I discuss the people... from another time.  I am useless to them, in some senses.  But, not.  I could still have some use.

Well, either that or I am very tired and the story plays it's own chords to it's own beat and I am merely entertaining odd notions?  Could be, Sweet Pea, could be. 

Time for bed though.  Good night.

Good sleep.

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No, I didn't get to much else last night.  But I am pleased with what I did do earlier.  I am hoping to do the rest of the dishes today, and clean up the kitchen as well.  I need disposable plates the next time I go to the store.  It really does help and I am out.  Not sure how that is possible, really.  I have an dental appointment, tomorrow I think, so, if I make it, I will be out and about and there is a chance I can stop at the store for plates and a few other things.

This new medicine dose is cooking my goose a bit.  It just brings energy levels down a great deal.  So far I haven't suffered much pain.  Here and there, a creak and a groan, but nothing like what I have gone through before.  Up to now, however, the increase in dosage has been 50%, then 50%, while this is only a 25% jump.  And it is the final step, plus having gone through several increases, my body might be a little more comfortable with the medicine and changes it brings.  I have gone to full speed on dosage in about three months.  Given that the first times took over a year, I guess that isn't too bad.  I definitely can't do that at the speed I initially tried to do it, but now I know.  And, the doctors actually helped.  Just having someone sort of directing, and offering allowances but also expectations, helped.

It keeps raining.  It's very odd.  I don't know what the temps have to be to allow rain, but there it is.  A large amount of the snow we got has been flooded away.  The roads haven't frozen, so I don't mind.  Further, that sends water almost directly into the reservoirs.  All good.  The mountains continue to get snow.  I don't know if we need to worry about flooding, yet, this spring.  If it isn't the one it seems to be the other.  Such is life.  In balance, however, I have to think flooding is less harmful, and more restricted to a small area, than drought.  Drought it death for all, flooding is a problem for a few, and in small areas.  And, those people often know that the potential is there, every spring.

Hmm?  Right... A bit of waking yet to do.  Then on to a nap, another shower for shizzles and grins, then putting the remaining few dishes in the bin for a hot soak.  After that?  I don't know.  Just as long as I finish off the dishes before bed time, and get ready for my trip tomorrow, I won't worry about too much else.  I just don't have much to give right now.  Later.

That whole plan?

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Actually... it worked.  Or, so far.  The nap was good.  I even let the girls come in.  Ever slept with children?  Fussy critters, but they actually somehow, sometimes, make sleep better.  Cats are like that.  Especially two that don't particularly like each other.  Well... Sam doesn't like Sassy.  Sassy does like Sam.  Mostly.  I did hit the snooze a couple of times, and woke later than the alarm as well.  It must have been going off for about an half hour?  Or, maybe I set it wrong.  Not sure, I'll check later.

When I woke, I got to the bulk of the dishes.  Done and done.  Then a shower.  I'm... in recovery from all that.  But I think there is a decent chance I will kick out the rest of the dishes, clean up the kitchen, and then start on the beef.  Even if I just get that cooked and in the fridge, I'll be fine.  I'll make a lunch with it tomorrow.  And, perhaps, either mess with the dry but unfolded laundry to try to take a shoe showing trip.  Dunno, depends on what I have going.

As to snow shoeing?  We did get enough snow, but keeping on top of it, or just being literally down, meant I wasn't able to get out.  I... had forgotten about shoveling.  Yeah, well, there was that.  Even the little of it I did, or even could do.  Bleh.  That little bit kept me hunkered down.  Then it rained, and pretty much ruined the snow in the valley for that.  But it did clear off the roads, oddly.  I hope the mountains didn't get rain, but they usually don't.  The good thing about the rain, though, is that should have added to the reservoirs.  So... If I can get to the mountains, just a little area off the side of the road, perhaps a campsite that, while not open, they have plowed into for snow removal or for a break-down catch along the highway... might make for a perfect place to test out the snow shoes and my balance.  Even if my balance isn't all that great at first, I can handle falls like a strong kid still.  You would think... but no...  It's like I'm 20, still, regarding many of my biological systems, and a healthy 20 at that.  Bones just solid.  Often I don't even hurt after a fall, not muscle, not bone, more if I stretch while going down or something.  But the fall is cake, even on rock solid ice.

Not a bad plan, that was.  Later.

I had just started to enjoy cooking, again, too.

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Cooked, fried, pressure cooked... food is not just good to eat, urhm, when it is good... it is fun to play with in order to enhance edibility.  Oh, I can eat raw meat.  And like to have some portion of it, excluding fowl, except duck, raw.  But really, even I must admit, a little cooking is in order.  I have learned to love to cook.  Some portion of my cooking is always experimental.  I do have a serious amount of simple knowledge, however, when it comes to many foods.  Meats are pretty simple, but doing them right for a specific profile does take a trick or two and a watchful eye.  Veggies?  I actually do like them, as much as I like any other food, it's just that my absolute need is for protein.  I don't often have the energy to make two plates.  Plus, vegetables have to be fussed with.  Sure, there is canned, and frozen, but those each have their issues.

For now, I am sort of broken.  Everything is stacking up again.  I am behind the eightball and can't seem to get going.  I'll keep... pushing, or at least looking for a window of opportunity.  You would possibly be amazed at what kind of a spread I can put out, with a little help to make sure the kitchen stays open.  I have not only eaten foods most have never heard of, I've probably cooked more various fresh and strange foods than most people thought existed.  I used to keep about 45 spices and herbs on hand, and knew well how to blend them, for the tastes of others and for myself.  More, I had started creating specific flavor profiles by combining various of those.  I suppose you could say, with all that is out there, that I was re-inventing the wheel.  Truth is, though, as a cook, you have to do so.  While what you are trying to create might be in a book somewhere, reading through all the books and all the possibilities isn't truly possible.  Your best bet, should you want to do actual field research, is to try as many different foods, spiced in many different ways, as possible.  Even then, you then have to experiment to get things just to your tastes.

I have some of my childhood foods on the menu to learn.  There was, of course, normal "American" food, such as <strike>chicken</strike> beef and noodles.  Well, and cabbage and beef stew.  Fried chicken has become one of my favorites, if I do avoid breast meat.  I have learned to make that so it is good to eat fresh... it is moist.  But when it sits in the fridge, it dies.  I truly despise chicken breast because it does dry so quickly, even when done right.  But thighs and drumsticks?  Oh yeah.  I don't have the Mexican side of my food down, not well, not yet.  Fresh flour tortillas, enchiladas, though I can do a few items such as simple tacos and menudo.

Hungry yet?  Actually... that is my point.  I may need a nap.  But then I want to wake up and try to hit the kitchen so I can kick out another meal!  I'm still learning, with some things.  I am a fast learner though.  Beef and vegetables, with homemade chicken noodles, plus a batch of my habanero sauce while the peppers are still... mostly... fresh!  I need a little heat that actually tastes good.  Yeah, nap time.  Oh... supper will be coming in tonight!  No problems.  I can have that, then cook the other for a late supper and have it for this next week, for lunches and such.  It'll work out.  Later.

Slept well, woke well.

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Up easily before the sun.  The girls were putting in an effort to wake me, but that doesn't matter this morning.  Still, I don't feed them for several hours after I wake.  I simply will not encourage the behavior by rewarding it.  A bite to eat, right away.  Processes cereal is not very healthy.  It is easy and is reasonable as a rarity.  A grapefruit later in the morning will finish breakfast off.  I like there to be some room between dairy and grapefruit.  They don't fit in my belly, together, all that well.

Oh, for those of you concerned about my stories?  Don't be.  Just because I follow a line of thinking, using some form of logic, doesn't mean I actually believe, or don't.  Such notions are like puzzles, or sudoku games.  The question is, if a, b, and c work, how do they work together and what else might work with them?  It isn't, a, b, and c are absolutely true, so anything I think about them, including potential other 'letters', are also true.  Have you ever solved a murder mystery game?  You do realize no one was actually murdered, don't you?  Ms. Plum was not murdered in the library with a candlestick.  Now, that also isn't to say someone, somewhere, at some time, wasn't, or couldn't be.  That, my dear reader, is not the relevance.  If you can't keep up, don't play.  But... certainly... don't judge.

Now, if you wish to play along, now that you know the rules, you may.  Feel free.  Unless you think it would make you crazy too?  But if playing a game makes you crazy... well...  The craziest people are the biggest deniers, and most fearful to be found out, so generally act the most normal.  I always wonder when I meet someone who seems stoically logical.  There is really something wrong with them.  There are some real folk like that, but... even for them, there is something really wrong with them.  There is a reason huge portions of the population enjoy everything from stage/television/movies to music, comic books, reading in general, and... playing games.  Those things tend... a hunger.  I am simply more proactive and bright enough, and educated enough, to roll my own.  Though... I should also warn you... take the fictional notion with a grain of salt as well.  Usually I do present those truths easily.  It's in there, sometimes, often, usually, possibly always.  But it isn't meant to be easy to see.  Usually.  Unless, as with dealing with ghosts, the possibilities are what they are, assuming, of course, that I believe ghosts even exist.  Which, isn't for you to know, actually.

I love this game.  But, as I said, if you can't keep up, don't play.  If you are confident enough to state your notions matter-of-factly, don't step up.  You'll be run over.  No halvesies, no part way, take the hammer to the bell and ring it.  Oh, and don't think that because you don't play my version of the game that you are then safely sane.  Most of you are further from sane than I will ever be, in the truer sense of the thing.  None of you have spent decades reviewing the notion, with introspection and prayer.  You just believe what you believe because no one has asked you, or forced you, to double check.  And, most people really are crazy.  Only, most aren't worth fixing, or even checking, so long as they keep producing no one will give it a second thought.

Hmm...  Now to wake up and... try to get something, anything, done today.  I hate it when nothing gets done.  My will is good, the way is blocked, shut down, tired, and bedraggled.  A few more weeks and perhaps I can get back on my feet.  Yum!

Oh, a bit of morning entertainment.  May you get your own nut on.