Sunshine, finally.

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I can't say if it has been dark for a long time, or if it just seems that way.  Overcast, along with odd hours until recently, though very few hours of sunshine.  I think a number of things conspired to make the last few weeks seem perpetually dark, and quite dark, which added emphasis to magnification.  Seeing that the sun is out is good, if I am probably going to take a bit to get used to it again.  As I have suggested, I live a thousand years in each year it seems.  So two weeks seems like a lot longer of a time.  Twere the thousand year analogy a truth, a week would be twenty years.  It certainly can seem it.  Anyway, the sun is up and out.  And I will be out in it soon enough.

I am feeling better, but still a bit tired, just internally rough along the edges with slight crimps and cramps on a few internals.  All given though, I feel as good as I feel in knowing the sun is up.  It's a good day, or is heading that way.

While I am out, should that occur, I will do grocery shopping as well.  Fruits, perhaps greens of some sort, more deli meats, and of course milk and cream.  Oh, and some sort of bread.  I love the idea of the paleo diet, I just can't be an absolutist about it.  And some meats are so tied to the tradition of being eaten with some sort of bread that I just can't break out of that.  If someone else would do the shopping, or I figure out how to get a... wait, I may be doing so in the spring.  Access to lots of beef/meat.  Prefer beef, though hog is okay.  I am a meat eater.  The rest, mostly, is for decoration or texture.

Well... on with the day.  Don't worry y'all.  I simply don't, am not ready to, discuss much about much.  I do thank you for your thoughts.  I'll... get around to something before too long.  Thank you anywhile, on the sly.

Yeah, I'm around.

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I just haven't felt like talking.

Oh, I saw it coming.  Thus the gloom in some posts.  I did, in one post, wonder if what I saw coming, maybe two posts in particular, but then I realized for whom the bell tolled.  I am simply not that lucky.  I... think I have mentioned that before.  Then, when I realized, there was naught I could do.  I could not even get up and out and over.  I could change nothing, regarding his health or my function.  I am still only barely able to do much.  I had a backlog that had to be settled.  Still do, really.  If you think watching your own life slip from your grasp, helplessly, is bad... and I know that... watching the life of another slip away is a good deal worse.  More so when you can't even go see them.  Maybe God simply said no.  He has done that before.  Not that I didn't try.  And, yes, I suspected not only what was coming, but that my running through the sands of time would get me no closer.  So it was.

I have learned to eat disappointments.  I have learned to put up with humility.  I have learned to live the life of the fool, the clown.  No matter how potent or capable I have, can, or will be.  It, like life itself, is not always a choice, certainly not as I would have it.  Some burdens, perhaps, are beyond me though too.  Unlike many, I still attempt to bear them.  Like many, that just isn't there always.  Those who have no choice, and can, are the ones who pay.

I did get the geese delivered, the last three.  I don't even know if they...  Yes, I was thanked.  Perhaps my gifts were so much foolishness.  Who knows if folks even enjoy such birds.  I am not sure such a thing is a gift to give.  Oh, I was thanked.  But that is what people do who were raised in, or taught by, a polite society.  An odd gift, in one sense.  Well, it is done.  Returning home for the night, I was able to undo the mini-freezer/fridge.  If nothing else, the item will be good for flash hard freezing items, and a bit as backup.  More so if I arranged a minor solar setup.  Though, yeah... who knows about such kit.

I made it to town to have dinner with the other friend.  There was something going on regarding a memorial for our friend.  It is, mostly, arranged.  I have agreed to be there, and it is at a time where it is possible.  I am not familiar with this form of ad hoc event.  I am capable of going with whatever happens, as I am sure folks will do their level best.  It is good to see others moving ahead with that.  I would have but I don't know these things.  For some rare family, I have been to funerals or such.  Most of my dead have only seen my back.  Not in rejection, just I had to be somewhere else or there was nothing I could do... no time, no way, other commitments, or it was simply too much.  No disrespect meant, just... it's how I lived and survived.  Lean, always moving, buried in...  No, I would not have thought of such a thing, not as a group.  Though I still plan a visit.  Late, but a change.  If also in my strange time.

So, I did what I could.  I am getting slightly better.  I still have a backload to arrange and tend.  And yet, finally, I am digging my way out.

Oh, and I have had so many question whether I am dying.  I am presuming it was because of the gloom of some of my posts.  As explained above, the bell tolled, but for him, not me.  Yes, I saw it, inexorably, moving in my direction.  And, again, not for me... or just enough for me to smack me away from it's intended prey.  Not the first time.  No, folks, I am not dying.  Neither, honestly, do I wish to talk too much about it.  Not quite yet.  Thought I would be good, with all that foreknowledge.  I was wrong.  I've let readers and some principles know.  But... yeah...  too fresh to dig into it.  Maybe the memorial will help though maybe not.  Don't worry, don't...  I'll be back at it in a bit.

Hopefully I can keep digging and pushing.  I can't change what happened, how, or my part of that story.  I can, when I can, do what I can... until I can't.  Later.

Cold dark mornings.

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Not brutally cold, and the sky is beginning to lighten, if it is cloudy on top of all else so just won't really get bright.  It's a trifecta of gloom.

Someone recently suggested that, perhaps, me falling off my medicine was a passive, or even active, attempt at suicide.  Well, no.  It hurts too damned much, the fall is too frustrating, and getting back on the stuff hurts.  The pains in the various stages can be from brutal to annoying.  But they always exist.  Not just this type, or that.  Muscles in the neck and shoulders always go through harshness.  My organs flip and flop like fish out of water.  Further, this never kills me!  No, if I want suicide, I know how to do it without an ounce of hurt, or even if I want it to hurt, I know... well... actually I don't know.  Back when I thought my problem was all in my head, and knowing the head can't actually be fixed, I tried stuff that was 100% guaranteed to kill me.  It didn't.  I do know things that are supposed to work.  I also know I don't control life or death.

My organs have been doing minor flips and flops, but it hasn't been too terrible.  It's different, but along the lines of waking a limb after it has been cut off from blood too long.  This is as mild of such a situation as it gets though.  I am already through the neck and shoulder pains and headaches.  I am doing better.  Just adding in the cold and dark and it gets a bit rough.  All good, considering.  A few more days to a week and I might be... hmm... better.  Perhaps I can begin hitting more daily, or not.  Perhaps soon on that, or not.

My friend has died.  I knew it was going to happen.  Especially if they didn't treat him.  I was not able to get up to see him.  I felt so trapped.  Ghosts have no arms or legs to gnaw off to get going.  Just couldn't get up and ready and out.  They aren't having a formal funeral for him, just a graveside affair.  His sister will keep me informed.  I'll visit as soon as I can.  While this doesn't help, it is actually pushing me to attempt to get out, to visit his grave as soon as possible.  Life was difficult for him, so in that, I don't begrudge him rest.  I just pray he is in a better place, and ask those of you who might think on such things as wise to also pray for the relief of his soul.

I need to get on with my day.  Later.

A debate about civilians, French or any other really.

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Some are suggesting that French civilians should have know how to coordinate themselves defensively, then offensively.  Someone suggested that, at the theater for example, people in the upper floor could have thrown items such as chair, down onto the muslims, distracting them so that the people on the same level could have attacked.  It sounds wonderful.  In truth, given what people are, have usually been, and will be, it simply doesn't work.

People are easily rounded into two groups right off, men as one group, women, children, and the elderly in another group.  One group has some chance at rushing and attacking, the other group has some very weak opportunity at that and capacity for it.  Almost any group of people is going to be at least an half, perhaps two-thirds, of the weaker group.  More, of the men, only a very small percentage have ever faced even a fist-fight.  Those who have faced more might well be burned out, or simply disinterested.  Why would a warrior sacrifice himself, again, for groups of people who have relinquished their right and ability at reliable easy self defense?  Especially knowing that many of those people despise him for what he is, what he has done, and even if he saved them they might well spit on him.

It isn't complicated.  Most people cannot defend themselves and many more wouldn't.  That is exactly why we are in the difficulty we are in.  Me?  In a large arena, I would simply find another way out.  I wouldn't call for others to go with me, or attack if I was mandated by the state to be disarmed (which I am).  I would leave those who can't or won't choose life to their fate.  I have done everything in my life to change the odds and yet the people seem to want to be hunted and murdered, by their state or actors of the state such as immigrants, criminals, or such.

I can't help those who won't help themselves.  God suggested quite the same.  While, in time, the lion will lie with the lamb, it will be up to the lion.  And I doubt if he will lie with them if they choose to be herded to slaughter.  I know this lion won't.  I can be with them, safe from me.  But I won't be with them if they choose to remain a food item.  And I certainly won't go with them, blindly, into that blood-soaked submission.  I don't blame the true sheep.  They are what they are.  But if I can't be armed, I cannot defend.  We will go our own ways until we can be together, one way or the other.

Mostly good.

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Toward the end of the day things get really rough.  Sometimes when waking.  Going back on medicine works that way.  As I have mentioned, it isn't that, always, this time, that I just quit.  I lost track and couldn't remember medicine this time.  In this case, I was trying to get out to see my friend, and tripping over all of the life and other undone work and projects between where I was and where I wanted to be.  It all added up to end up being too much.  That may not make sense to you, or maybe it makes perfect sense.  I think everyone goes through it, just... in their own way, at their own level.  Some things have to be build up to.  First a basic layer, then various mechanisms to 'gain height', then an object or dozen to get off the ground.  Then, eventually, to get into the air and moving.  At any point, if there is a failure, it can be a temporary setback or a catastrophe, where another attempt means a complete new rigging.  My attempt, this time, was ended in disaster.

I am just now, what a week after?, kicking around trying to find my footing again.  I seem to actually be finding it, but in a very minor way.  I have one of the geese placed, but from almost as soon as I received them.  I placed calls last night and contacted two of the other three recipients, so will be delivering one tonight and one tomorrow.  That while trying to contact the last recipient.  I hope to finish dishes today as well.  Then maybe begin clearing the kitchen and breaking down boxes.  I'll get the boxes into the back of my vehicle for the next time I am in town, if I happen to hit boxes.  To be honest, if I can get those things done I will be happy.  If I get most of that done I would be happy.  Well, and a shower or bath thrown in.  I cleaned most of the bathroom in my last work marathon.  I suppose I wouldn't mind hitting it, in a small way, again.  The only way to keep half on top of the bathroom is to hit it heavy, then light, then do that every few days, at least for me.  Mopping next, I suppose, one of the later days in the week.

Cleaning and all that is very similar to creating messes.  It is done in layers.  Little bits, over time.  My problem is memory and sensitivity.  When I am a ghost I can't see things of flesh.  Things that would normally bother me simply don't.  And remembering, even if I can't see, doesn't work.  Though part of it is simply being a guy.  That's the truth, like it or not.  Still, I'll do what I can.  Gimped by manhood as I am.  :p

Sleep was good, woke well.  I'm not feeling too bad, if not great either.  Coffee, eggs, and... who knows.  But not right yet.  Just an hour or two to sit and think, read, and write.  Later.

Hmm, tomorrow.

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Or not then either.  Back on medicine and it's pretty harsh.  I want to sleep.  Haven't been able to nap.  I want to do some work.  Can't.  I have been playing a game, but I keep snapping in and out of sleep.  Sore, a bit confused, tired.  Not grumpy.  There simply isn't much I can do.  I'll keep at it.  It's like I just donned clothing that weighs a ton.

Nap?  Nap.  It might be a bit before medicine works out.  Then again, dropping off and going back on kills some folk.  Someone asked if my failure to comply, or willingness to go back on it full strength was suicidal.  Nope.  And I can't do either, easily, all of the time.  However, when I fall, I can fall so hard and fast that it isn't a choice.  And, when I go to get back on it, I usually try it the hard way first... full bore.  That's my gig.  If that fails, then I back it down and find steps I can take.  It's just how I do.  This time, oddly, I seem to be able to just take it like a man and an half.  It's beating me up, but not too terribly.  Well, and I did alter what I take, changing amounts and types, which has made some of this much easier.

Even so, I have the puppy-dog exuberance.  I want to play, and work, and tease, and chase.  The girls are getting just a bit... put out... with me.  While I can't quite chase all that much, I can sure play if they get too close.  Thankfully Sam enjoys being perturbed.  Sassy is a give or take gal.  If she is in the mood she will throw down right along with me.

I'll keep at it.  But first a nap.  I just hope I can wake in time for dinner.  Tomorrow will be the better time to get the geese out, since I don't know when dinner is arriving.  However, I can make those calls to see when it would be most appropriate to deliver the geese.  Or if they even want them.  That I'll do, then nap.  And, yeah, I did give the dishes another once over.  I think they just need a rinse in a bit, then a hot soak.  I hope to finish them tonight, or tomorrow.

Later, or good night.  Not sure I'll write again.

Alright, good lens.

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Being a total noob at anything, then taking a risk with a used piece of equipment?  Nerve-racking.  Still, sometimes, when enough data pulls clear, and the odds are favorable, a hefty risk seems worth the chances.  When it arrived, as I suggested, I suspected it would probably be a, basically, full manual.  Oh, sure, it does have autofocus.  However, that format doesn't speak to my camera, and my camera is rather limited as to inputs.  There isn't a range of focal lengths or apertures.  Just one of each.  Though too, I had forgotten which button I used to focus.  I remembered after I put the 50 mm prime back on and took a few snappies.  The girls like it, and don't like it.  Girls are girls!

I will work with the autofocus later.  The thing I did get was that, when everything is done correctly, I actually can get pretty good shots throughout the zoom.  I am not sure about stepping through the f-stops though.  That may or may not be available.  However, with proper lighting, through the zoom length, and with the macro (a sweet add to this lens by the way), I can get it to function.  That initial incompetence and ignorance, however, made me wonder if I had made a serious mistake.  Good to see I just set it up, let my nerves untangle and fear relent, then got back to it in a timely manner.  Wonderful.  Yeah, yeah.

After that I had to dig around for the battery charger, for the camera's rechargeable batteries.  I have three batteries, though I ought to buy another.  The body itself only takes one, though I purchased a grip that allows for another battery.  Four batteries and four of the largest/fastest memory chips available, and I should be able to take a lot of photos over a week without recharging if I watch what I am doing.  Each battery is good for ~800 shots, and the cards?  Each 64 gb card holds 1,864 RAW (or 4,660 JPEG, if you go that way).  So, actually, I am card heavy.  Better to buy three more batteries.  Yeah, I'm weird.  I buy so that I can stretch without recharge.  Though too, if it's really hot or cold?  Cut the power by 1/3, or more.  A secondary reason to set up a warm enclosure, figure out how to heat an area up.  Gear as well as body.

Now that I have a few things going, and the world is closing down a bit for winter, perhaps I can tinker with the camera.  With the macro I can begin doing photo essays when I cook or bake or tinker in the kitchen, or on the computers, or such.  Perhaps even use photography to push me toward keeping the cave cleaned and sorted.  Not sure if it will work, not sure even if it does that I would share that part.  We'll see.

Almost nap time.  Later.

Awake, for a while actually.

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Not a bad morning.  I am back fully on medicine, if I can keep that going is another thing.  I have been trying, but it has felt more like I am a puppet with the strings cut lately.  I am not too sore now, so might get to a few things today.  I did get the trash to the curb yesterday but skipped getting the recycling out.  There was only one bag of that and I am done with soda, so recycling won't be stacking up quickly.  The boxes, when I break them down, will be taken in to town, to the recycling center there.  Far too many to get them out with any kind of reasonable speed.

I am feeling good.  It's been a while that I have felt good, with no pain.  I am still tired.  Too little sun.  Tis the season, and long from reversing direction.  The cool is here, freezing temps are becoming the norm or heading that way quickly.  I am planning to get the hoses in and perhaps make a trip to town... Scrap that last.  I have geese to deliver.  I obtained phone numbers last night, and wish to begin making contact and placing fowl with good homes.  Tomorrow, if I can, shopping... or... sometime this week.  You know how that goes.  And, just restarting medicine, plans might need to be adjusted.  Still, feeling well enough to aim at a few goals.

Even if it slows me down, I am sure enjoying the cool and dark.  Summers are just too much.  And while the winter might slow me down (more, in some ways), I am not as alone in that, and I enjoy it more than being slowed via a slow cooking process.  I much prefer to cool/cold and dark to the blistering dry heat of summer.

Never mind.  I'm hoping to get a few things done today.  I think, I feel, I seem, to be heading back to the batting box.  If there are any homeruns, or even base runs, in me only time will tell.  Ya heh.

Food thoughts.

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Beside not having eaten yet this morning, a few ideas about food have been floating in the upstairs goo factory for a while.  Things I have meant to include in posts.  The timing never seemed right, or I got caught up in other ideas.

The first is a new understanding.  I had always thought that sashimi, aka human edible raw fish, needed to be fresh.  Like right out of the water, right when being caught, or very close to it.  I suppose that was true for a long time, especially before refrigeration.  And, I would guess, it probably is the best, if also something most people cannot enjoy.  Most of the world population does not live close enough to large bodies of water to enjoy raw fish before it goes bad.  As such, at this time, the truth of sashimi grade fish is that it is supposed to be frozen.  Caught fresh, frozen immediately after whatever form of cleaning, descaling, or such.  Why does that matter?  It means that, on a more or less level playing field, I can buy a fish, from time to time, with which to create a true sushimi dish.  And there is some possibility that I might trust local shops a bit more to prepare such, if that is easier.  Yes, boys and girls, I like "bait".

Another thing is... scotch eggs.  I have been considering trying these, but...  The first few recipes I reviewed for this food must have been pranks.  There was no indication of whether to remove the shell when the eggs where still wet, and put them into the sausage shell or whether to  hard/soft boil the eggs first, then crust them with the sausage.  So hungry to try those at home, but no good instructions.  It was just a thought, anyway, so I didn't really dig.  Recently I found a more practical means of producing such foods.  A picnic food, or so they say.  Now, hard-boiled or soft, breading the eggs themselves, the sausage as this vid does, or both... many options.  Still, here is one of many examples.

Oh, on this particular one, h/t AoSHQ (well, they didn't originate the thought, just reminded me this morning, still...)

There was something else.  I have simply lost it.  I might figure it out and add it later.  As I mentioned, however, I am hungry.  I didn't eat dinner last night.  That might do well this morning.  Hungry to be sure.  Oh, and if you think of, or are introduced to some odd or different or even slightly spooky food?  Give it a shot.  You only live once... well... you being operative.  Might as well explore.  Explore while risk remains, curiosity is fresh, and opportunity exists.  Later.

Rough, but a better rough?

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Yep.  That is as rightly as I can phrase it.  I keep not taking meds, or dropping off.  Not a choice thing, or ornery inclination, simply... I forget?  Yeah.  I'll start it up again today.  All the dark, perhaps.  The cool is creeping in as well.  I am fighting, I am simply not winning.  Thought that I am fighting means I am not losing, or worse just sleeping.  I may be recovered from the day I pushed a bit too hard.  Then again, I thought that if I got enough done I might be able to get out.  Sometimes that works, not this time.  I am going to hit a few things today.  The dishes, trash, and recycling.  The dishes just went for a hot second third soak for a second wash.  Most of the trash and recycling is out.  I won't even try to get the boxes out.  Instead, I may break those down, put them in the back, and take them to the center in town.  There are simply too many.  I have not been keeping up on those at all.

Dreams of late.  But not just... these have been different.  A lost woman.  But she isn't trying to kiss or kill me now.  It is more like she is trying to, oh, come to some sort of agreement.  She didn't like being forgotten.  She seemed jealous of other women.  A ghost in the machine that is me.  I have been looking for a way to lover her, let her go, and move on.  I don't think most will ever quite know that.  Oh, sure, we, even I, have done that with people.  But not with people who were forgotten to such an extent that their haunting was a terror.  Even the memory of her had been buried.  A child too, unborn or in the process.  I still don't have many details, just feelings, and that she was a lovely woman, girl.  We both had each other wrapped around our fingers.  I had to go through something like this about other memories, and people.  But a woman and child are so much closer than anyone else even can be.

I don't know what will happen.  I just know that we have been talking and holding on in order to become familiar enough to finally let go, but in such a way that I don't simply forget, mostly.  Being as close to a ghost as I am, and what else I am, memory isn't always available.  And yet there should be more than night terrors, anger, doubts, and such.  If I could remember her name I might even take a trip to where she was buried.  I am not sure I ever went.  Being in the Navy at the time, and keeping her off the charts, I doubt if I let anyone know.  As well, I might have been gone, if I don't think so.  Very shortly after, but I was there.  This was required for anything else to happen.  Of all the things, I think this was the most difficult to 'remember'.  Easier in some ways.  I am doing enough better that, when it came do, I just didn't ghost through the memories for a decade, as I did with the others.  Bumping into to their ghosts and running away, or sleeping, or becoming so much more ill that I couldn't deal with it.  More difficult, but being capable of facing it full time, much shorter.  This might work itself out in short order, shorter order.

Yes, a few jobs today.  But I don't want to push it as with last time.  Trash, dishes, and bringing the hoses in.  Tomorrow a shopping trip.  I have been making sandwiches with the deli items.  I have also been growing clove sprouts, which won't be ready until tomorrow.  Just some added greens.  I wish I had the forethought to set those up ahead of the purchase.  The problem with that is, even if I plan to get out, I may not do that as scheduled.  Remember, I have been trying to get out, even to SLC, for a week or more.  Can't do what I wish, not always, and certainly not when I want.  Still...  I am saving the sandwich makings for when the sprouts finish and green.  Just sounds good.  Though I might also buy lettuce and onion.  Crisp and sharp adds that final bit to a sandwich.

I best get on to waking.  Later.

She had been working.

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Given the givens, she can't do as much as she used to be able to do.  And steps are too much.  So she had... enticed, a woman actually, to help.  Her bedroom is now on the ground floor and her house is getting neatened.  As a favor, she cooked dinner for the woman, or women.  A true treat, actually.  So she wasn't able to get to the phone.  I do understand.

I told her, after watching an episode of a show in which the last vid existed, that I thought immediately of her.  She isn't familiar with the show, so I described the principle characters in the scene and how the scene played out.  Oh, she got a kick out of it, and laughed, and cried, and...  Glad I wasn't closer.  All I'm saying.  Though she suggested that only I could get away with such a... notion...  I think she was being more diplomatic.  And yet, I think she really did enjoy the sentiment, somehow.  Anyway.

After all that, a fine discussion.  She is doing better, or as better as better is these days.  With age, medicine is more often discussed.  But too, the good things.  Oh, she knows I love her.  It isn't just because I say so, it's in the voice, and eyes.  Mothers have their witching ways, and like certain of their sons, can see right past the phone and into the eyes.  Indeed.  She always knew I had that too.

It's been a good day.  Some things were done.  I changed the water for the dishes once.  I did a few other things.  But I am sore.  I wasn't so tired, really, just sore.  Mostly my forearms, but not only there.  I hope a bit more rest tomorrow, other then finishing the trash and maybe recycling, also taking out the not as easy to collect, and getting that all to the curb.  I keep trying.  Monday maybe more, and on to some business.  Good night.

Thinking of mother.

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They are the most jealous of creatures.  And a bit of darkness resides in each.  As it is, there are three who can claim that, if only one is called, only two remain alive.  I called a bit ago, just went to voice message.  Odd, though maybe she is working, or driving in heavier traffic, or napping.  Or simply doesn't wish to speak to her sweet Ferg... Doom.  No matter, I'll call later.  Might not be the king of hell, but whoever one is, mother is... mother.

Any of them who watch this might well be so upset. Until or unless they get something for their pain. Witches! Love your mothers, I suppose. Just don't trust her. Even if she thinks she has your best interests at heart, what she will do to get her way is... Never mind. Do note, I still call. Mostly. And watch closely. Mostly laughing at the notions. Mostly is operative.

I can't do a whole lot today. My forearms are absolutely useless. The cramps aren't too bad. But the overworking, then the cramping, have combined left those areas so weak that pouring out of a gallon of milk is a bit of a test. I grew soft being down so long, then truly overextended, given my condition, yesterday. Lovely though. I enjoyed hitting as many areas as I hit, having food in the cave, my camera found and ready for a project, trash and recycling (the easy stuff) out, cat litter tended, dishes set, a load of laundry pushed through, and literally another dozen things, plus a trip to the post office and grocery store. Brutal though. I am hoping to keep doing, and have been if much less and slower today, and then kick back into fuller gear before long. At least once I can use my arms again. Ugh.

I grilled several steaks, and toasted some of the bread along with garlic powder and butter.  Oh, man.  When it has been a long time since I have eaten, and more eaten beef, it is a treasure.  Oh, I've learned to like this and that and enjoy much else.  It's just that I need fatty beef once in a while.  More often if I could eat well, and afford it.  This will do me for a bit.  Oh, I used the bread I didn't care for as to sandwich making.  It worked perfectly in this application, if I won't do this much, so...  At least I won't waste it all.

I see the French are in trouble.  A minority that is better armed than their police, in part because they simply wouldn't or couldn't refuse "immigrant communities" arms that not even their police forces have access to, and that in part because they have nearly completely disarmed their civilians.  Now they are locking the sheep in with the wolves, hoping it will all work out.  As a Buddhist I favor well recently said, there is no sleeping with rabid dogs.  I honestly don't think it matters what the French think of their government, they simply don't have a means of changing it, or expelling the muslims.  Best to start with government officials, but then... they were elected.  Who, really, is to blame?  Not my problem and there is nothing I can do about it.

I will pray that the French come to their senses before they lose their minds, or nation.  Then again there are many lost causes I send prayers regarding.  I know there will always be the poor, and yet I pray for them.  I cannot undo what Christ has noted.  I pray for peace, knowing likewise that there will always be war and rumors of war, especially if what I suggest is my nature has any truth, but even so.  My Lord has stated that to be the case as well.  Though these things, neither, should be a great worry.  Only things to resist, if not to lose oneself resisting.  Only to do what little we can in true faith, and in hope, to the tune of charity.  No more.  No less.  So, I pray.  Secular versus a false faith, and it is obvious which will win if nothing is done, or even too little is done.  Not my concern, in the end.

Up at 16:00.  I'll try to make it a few more hours.  I may call mother, again, shortly.  See if her royal highness has a moment for her beloved child.  *grins*  Later.

Not everything works out.

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The lens I purchased doesn't seem to be panning out.  I checked glass clarity immediately upon opening.  That seemed fine, though scads of photos would be an additional piece of evidence.  After arriving home with the goods and shopping, putting everything up, and settling in, I didn't have the energy to try to new lens.  While waking, though, I was quite curious.

The thing with old glass on newer bodies is that they don't talk.  You have to do some of the leg work.  It IS an af lens, but the new bodies don't understand what they are.  You can program the new lens, to a very minor degree.  The maximum aperture is simple enough, but with a zoom lens... only one focal length can be entered.  Mine, for example, runs from 35 to 70 mm.  So... what to put in?  I did a minor bit of research.  The middle point, it was suggested, in several sources, was the way to go.  Done.  Now... I ran with it.  Nothing was doing anything, which was, sort of, fine.  I figured I would have to work with this lens in mostly manual, all manual I suspected.  And yet I could not get it to perform.  I could not bring it into focus.  I will do a bit more research.  Perhaps the lens did break in transit, or wasn't working when sent.  I will tinker with it for a few more days.  If I can't get anything clean from it, no matter how good it can be or should be, I will simply have to return it.  I may have to find a more local shop for lenses.  Since the economy took a major dump, the local middling college town stopped having (as far as I have been able to find) a photo shop.  The next town that might/should have such a shop is about an hour drive.  I suppose, if I don't have to do it on a timed basis, I might, eventually, be able to make it there.  Just to see the lens before buying, no shipping or returns.  If the clerk can't bring it into focus, take some photos, and then I see those on the laptop (if I can get that right), then I won't buy.  Can't trust anyone, though that isn't new.

I'll tinker a bit more, just not at night.  I'll wait until daylight, maybe even go outside.  I'll compare and contrast with the prime.  I am a noob.  Noobs are teh stupid.  Which is fine.  Ignorance isn't truly stupidity, at least if you work to rectify that.  Only if ignorance is a choice is it a form of stupidity.  Though if someone is too weak to be escape ignorance, they need that mansplained and then they need to shut up.  Only if they can't learn.  If they can, they need to get to it, or again shut up.  Choices.  Can't have both.  Men hammer each other over that, and it works.  Not so with women, or even very many men these days.  Politeness is supposed to trump function, and fail is the obvious cost.  Bleh.  Anyway, I'll tinker.  Might be me.  With a little help, study, practice, and such, I should be able to figure this out in the next few days.  Oh, and I best find the battery charger and get the extra camera battery going.  I have plenty of AA and AAA batteries, which will also work, but that gets spendy and annoying in the long term.  Still, if all else fails, that's why I have those.

All I know is if this fails, try that.  If that fails too, improvise.  If it all fails, reconsider your wants, needs, direction, speed, and all else.  If you have no other choice, then find the way.  If it really must be done, guess what?  It will be done.  If not, then it's just you.  It all seems so simple.  If that is very false.  Ask and you shall receive if God helps he who helps himself.  Both are true, they flavor, modify, each other.

Sandwich time!  I might butter the roll, and grill that, but the rest will be cold.  I think I have mayo, perhaps sparkly Italian dressing too.  Ah, but no lettuce.  I did forget that.  Maybe next time I am in.  Even kale on that ain't too bad, if you don't mind a little chew.  Oh?  No editing.  I'm not quite able right lately.  Later.

A little work seemed to help.

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I have, along with all else, been pushing to move my day into daylight hours, or closer.  With the work that was done yesterday I moved the goal post between two and three hours toward my goal.  Only four to five more hours to go.  And actually I had been sliding backwards on that.

I did more yesterday than accounted.  Some bigger and smaller jobs, three average if averaged.  Not bad, really.  However, today, my forearms are cramping.  It started yesterday afternoon.  I can still do a few things today, just not bigger things.  Hmm, I can find more trash bags though.  Oh, and I found my camera.  So...  I do have stuff go missing, it just isn't stuff for insurance company consideration.  Boxes of trash bags, zip-lock bags, little things like that.  So I'm pretty sure it's small domestic use, or just something a kid finds interesting.  They leave the bigger items, but don't mind borrowing other things.  More annoying, usually, than anything else.  Still, I best not catch them.  And, no, I wouldn't shoot first.  If they tried to run I might well attempt to tackle, which in real terms, might be worse.  Even with solid efforts at not actually harming.  While a thief is a thief, there are... layers, depths, differences.

Ah, I wanted to find my camera, actually, to begin taking pictures, before and after.  Both as a photographic project and as an incentive to do more and keep going.  Will any of it happen?  Don't know.  I do know I have my camera, a decent lens, a secondary lens (which at 35 to 70, with the cropping, is 52.5 to 105 mm (sort of... not quite as direct, and more visual than actual... never mind, just trust me, sort of)).  Well, and that makes the 50 mm prime act more like a 75 mm.  The latter is feet focused, the former has some on camera adjustments.  And the lighting in here is atrocious, which is excellent as a starter lab for low-light work, well and lighting.  Next month or the month after I plan on buying off-camera potential speedlights, with diffusers and a small kit really.  It isn't just the cave I hope to target, but foods as I work on things.  Perhaps a photo journal/recipe card for producing kefir, photos of my favorite little home cooked/made items.  Pictures of the girls being girls.  Even out into my yard, and as it begins to snow.

What makes a photographer good, or possibly great?  It isn't the best body or glass, the snazziest pro classes, or youtube vids... it's take the camera out, learning to adjust for this and that, and snapping until your fingers are sore while pulling from the lot, keeping in mind the shots and how or why this or that proved to tell the story more surely, and how it was able to be captured, then making that repeatable.  After that, there comes even more in-depth technicals, followed by improving storytelling, and back and forth until you die.  If you are ever as good as you can get you might as well quit photography.  It, like all other skills, is always a work in progress.  Or you begin losing your skills.  It's that simple.

Oh, great.  First thing this morning?  Not one but two bloody noses.  I wasn't thinking when I went to gargle after brushing.  You do realize proper gargling requires, at least for me, a closed mouth.  And, you do realize, if you didn't think to gulp air before hand, that closing your mouth with your nose blocked with tp means no blowholes?  Yep.  I held out for 15 seconds, but I must have just exhaled before I started gargling.  No air is no air, no matter how big your lungs air.  *splat*  :p

Later.

Much done.

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It beat me up.  I am both sore and getting tired.  Everything had come to a stop, again, a bit ago.  Today, and really to a degree yesterday, I set things back in motion.  No, I didn't get what I had been hoping to get done.  There is to much for a day, two days, even a week of heavy work.  What I did is what I could, what had to be done, and what will help.

Showering was quite good, again.  Being groomed and dressed, then out, was a gift of it's own.  I made it to the post office where I had a number of items.  I missed one item.  I should have signed for it, but I wasn't in shape to realize I could do it.  Yeah, really.  I will have a few more items next week.

After that I headed to town.  Groceries, mostly.  Nothing fancy.  But I wanted some easy food, but good food, and of course the staples I truly enjoy.  Milk!  I haven't had milk for... a while.  I also found ribeyes on deep discounts, and some other beef.  I haven't been able to afford beef for quite a while now.  I can't buy, won't buy, steak for more than $7~$8.  Heck, last time I checked chuck roasts were at that, and no, I won't buy any meat at that price.  The beef industry is going to have to go through some growing pains.  This isn't Japan.  I found steak for $6 per, chuck roasts for $3.50, and hamburger for $3.50.  I wasn't as happy with the hamburger, but that sure beat the $4.50~$5.50 it has been.  I feel sorry for meat departments.  I know they have taken a drubbing.  Nothing they can do until production ramps up, and that will require things that aren't in their control to balance out.  Drought first, then the exorbitant cost of feed from and added to the drought, then a sell off.  Now to rebuild stocks, all with a government, local and federal often, who are anti-beef.  Hell, ranchers are being treated like terrorists!

Anyway.  Oh, but before all that, of course, I did take a shower.  Then cleaned out the kitchen sinks, taking the dishes into the tub in tub operation.  When there are too many, or it is more convenient, that just works.  I don't know if I can get to them today, but... sooner than the last set it is hoped.  And I did tear into boxes.  More organizing them for an eventual run at them.  I was also looking for my camera.  So far I haven't been able to find the camera, and I am a bit worried.  Where I was almost certain it would be...  I'll look more soon.  Worst case, I turn it in to my insurance company, along with some other things.  I've been avoiding that, but...  I hope I find it.

I purchased a new lens, my first telephoto, a 35-70 (x1.5 due to crop factor) f/2.8D.  No, only available used.  I've actually been spending time looking at new and/or old glass that works well with my system.  Once every six months to a year I will buy a new lens, until I am happy... or die.  I might also pick up, say, a d52/5300, as a... grab, run, shoot, without as much worry about damage.  And it takes all the same glass.  Or, if need be, it's always nice to have a backup.  Much of the gear is crossover, even the memory chips... I think.  Oh, since it was used, and a "value find", I did buy another lens.  both lenses together were less than my 50mm prime, which is less expensive than most even kit lenses.  Yeah, I did my research.  I have a small list, though not all are that inexpensive.  The most expensive glass on my list is about $800, the majority are in the $150~$300 range.  I would say, currently, I have about four or five on my short list.  These are budget (for what they offer), gems in hiding sort of... a three year procurement project.  Those glass will allow me to explore every type of photography in at least a fairly general way.  If I like, then I might go deeper on glass, or a set of that for various specifics beyond the general.  Yeah...  But that is the idea.

Ah, and, yes, I used some of the food I purchased.  I have, for the first time in my life, over the last six months, noticed there is more to an oven than just roasting and baking.  The broiler!  I stopped at the deli.  I tried various roast beef types, choosing home-style easily.  Then added a few slices of various salamis and cheeses.  Stopped at the bakery and bought rolls and hoagies.  Yeah, but I have had so few carbs, or anything really lately, that I just didn't mind.  I turned one batch of the various items into a sandwich, then broiled... almost too much.  I'll need to practice with that.  Mine, on high, is FAST.  Still, it worked.  Oh, and smoked gouda and creamy havarti with roast beef, genoa and hard salami, on a right sandwich roll?  S-a-weet!  And to think I thought about buying a sandwich in town.  No, nothing wrong with that, at the right store.  But I needed this, homemade, mostly, and hot and fresh.  Just something about, sort of, cooking at home.

Well, time for me to begin pulling back and backing down.  Sleep is needed, if I do have to chill just a bit longer.  I hope to get the geese delivered tomorrow.  I just had too much backing up, on top of the limit to my endeavors, to get out.  We will see how caught up and able I become in the next day or three.  It sucks to be a cripple from time to time.  But that's just how it goes.  Good night.

Yet I am.

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So much seen.  So much done.  So many lost.  So much lost.

A fine start.

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So many things had backlogged.  Not just travel and seeing my friend.  The computer construction came to a dead stop, the geese (while still nicely frozen) are just... well... sitting there, and other things simply haven't been attended.  It has been very off this summer through now, though it was getting better a few weeks back.  Then another drop.  Fall shifting toward winter, too much on my plate, too big of bites on my part, it all just added up to another dip.  Even so, these dips are complete losses.  Just... dips, not drops.  I don't have to actually get up from these, merely figure out how to get going again.  Big difference.  Just as frustrating, though a lot less painful to recover.

In recovery, or while attempting it, the want of tobacco hits the hardest.  Nicotine is the only known drug that can give a high or a low and that be based on the will of the user.  Yes, boys and girls, it is a very unique drug.  It is mild enough that it really shouldn't be as addictive as it is.  It is that little part about choice that makes it so darned difficult to quit.  Imagine if when drinking coffee you could use it, by choice, as easily to help wake you as to put you to sleep at night?  In spite of that, there is no real temptation.  Just a blind want that sneaks up on me once to three times a month.  It usually leads to a bit more physical hunger.  Until I realize what it is, it is nearly inconsolable.  But, yeah, no.  That should get easier through time.

After the shower and dry time, I did make it to town.  Nothing fancy.  I had thought to attempt shopping.  I just didn't have that in me.  A bite to eat, then back home, nothing more.  As little as that was, it was fine.  Just to be clean, groomed, and fed... life, a good life, can easily be that simple when you are sometimes forced to live without one or all of those things.  I am hoping to make it to the post office, and then on to some shopping, in the morning proper.  I forgot to take anacin, sort of.  I was almost hoping the pain would cease on it's own.  Not so much.  So, after returning, and more to deal with it as an annoyance, I took a small handful of the things.  It's not like I do that more than a few times a month, often ignoring pain and sometimes serious pain.

I dreamed last night.  I was living in a world in which men and women no longer married, ever.  But it was as if I didn't get the memo.  Everyone laughed at my notions, sort of, behind my back.  Though there was some sympathy, and even joy, that someone could be so simple or naive still.  It wasn't totally cruel.  As in real life, I purchased a home, and tried to get it arranged.  As in real life, I had a heck of a time keeping it sorted.  While buying a home, in real or dream life, wasn't so much about making an offering to a prospective woman to make her a wife as it was about beginning to live the life of the husband type.  The home, itself, is a commitment.  Being a married man is being a slave, to a degree.  A servant, certainly.  And not just in flesh or of coin, but of will and ways.  It means surrendering the wanderlust, some curiosity in "out there", and other such things.

And darned if a good woman isn't worth the cost.  If you can find one.  Also, in the dream, as in life and sometimes on this blog, I have expressed just how much you may have to do, as a man, to keep her.  Animal husbandry and people husbandry... it's not all pheromones and sweet-spots.  As much as anything, it is making sure that all the right actors are in the right places when everything important is supposed to happen.  It is making it so.  It isn't always pretty, or nice.  And yet, it really is, if only when done rightly, what makes the world go around.  As failingly as that happens, it is as good as it gets, when done right.  When done wrong hell on earth can be seen from it, is produced by it.

I am sure, in life and from the dream, that I know the right way.  I won't say I'll hit that out of the park every time, only that I know what I am supposed to do.  And, finally, I am quite willing to do my best at... nailing it.  I am fully on board, if I am not perfect yet.  Working on it though.  Now to find a woman who wants to work on it as individuals, together, then as a family.  Golden.

Well... a bit of reading and goofing, then maybe a bit of this and that in the real morning.  But I won't be able to go anywhere, or do daytime things at a distance, for a while.  I have decades.  And with a good woman more and better.  I can manage a woman and more, with a little help from my friends, and a house too.  If she does her part.  You know, with forty years in me?  I might leave her ready for a rest at my passing.  You know I want to go out with a smile.  And I've never known a woman who hasn't wanted to love me just to death.  Daydreaming, perhaps.

Later.

Ouch!

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No, I didn't get out.  I have been pouring as much gas as I had onto the fire to try to push events.  It turns out I only burned myself.  I never did get my hours right.  Any progress I made collapsed in the last few days.  Medicine is still hit in miss, though more because there is some other problem than just an item issue.  I've fallen and I can't get up, basically.  Oh, I'll be fine.  It just bothers me when I really want/need to do something and knowing that, at least on my own, I might not be able to do it, at least if it is really time sensitive.

I hope to make a call today.  To find out condition.  The other friend was supposed to call, then call me back.  I have heard nothing.

Sleep of late has been that dry harsh stuff that just allows me to get through life.  It isn't the rich settling calming good stuff.  For a month or more I have just simply been getting just exactly the absolute minimum, no matter how long or short I sleep, and nothing more.  Even so, this isn't an actual complaint.  It so beats sleeping for days and not even really sleeping, or staying up for many days but not being awake, then going back and forth in that for months.  Still, it's not as good as what I have generally known these last four or five years.

When I woke I decided to hit the shower right away.  After I dry, I may shave.  Just using the trimmer this morning, I don't feel like trying to mow down the forest with a herring!  Then maybe a trip to town.  I have been eating bits and smatterings of this and that.  I wouldn't want my mom to know.  Canned bread, pickled pork hocks, olives, and omelets once in a while, when I can stand to stand long enough.  Those canned hog brains I ordered recently are even being viewed with a strange sort of fearful curiosity only deep hunger can produce.  I might just run to town tonight, for something to eat, then go back in the morning for shopping and to check the mail.  I think something is in.  I missed one item, don't want to miss another.

Yes, it is rough.  I am not the only one in trouble, if I think my friends are in far more serious trouble.  All of us, this time, have heart issues.  They are in their 70's though, which suggests that there is a way through, as I had suspected.  I really need to call about my friend.  I could drive, I just couldn't find the hospital, then his room, then find an hotel or lodging, and make subsequent trips back and forth to the hospital.  My schedule is off, and even getting going has proven out of my reach.  Frustrating.  But it is what it is. humbling as that is.

Yeah, and I hurt this morning.  Sinuses?  Just a headache?  General ache from exhaustion is there too.  I'm not awake enough, quite yet, to get a grip on what the problem is.  I might take some otc painkillers though.  More that the pain is annoying while I am confused than that the pain is too much.

Later.

Gah!

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Sleep was too off to make it out today.  And there are some other issues.  I have to see about figuring some things out and getting out today.  Medicine has been spotty.  It's not that I mean it to be.  But when things are off, choices aren't exactly available.  What happens, happens.  I did a load of laundry, a few things I wanted, for sure, for the trip.  I need some food, so might head out for a bite.  I will need to shower and shave, though I can shave later.  It's sort of a messy time to try to be doing anything, but especially a random outing with no set plans, a need for an eye on the budget, medicine and sleep still off kilter, all while trying to figure out some other things on the side.  Brutal and ugly.

I am feeling good, and it is all improving.  I am running fairly well for purely survival issues.  Just that adding anything extra is shorting something in the machine.  I'll keep at it.  Hopefully I can head out today.  I am aiming from somewhere between 10:00 and noon.  As well, I will probably only be able to afford to stay a couple of days.  Reality and all that.  I do need to go though.  Yeah, it's a lot easier, in many ways, not to go.  This isn't my sort of thing on top of all the rest.  And, yet, I think I can do it, want to do it, and should do it.  So...  A shower, shortly, a bit of airdrying, then to town for a spot to eat, and shaving when I get back.  Finally, a call in the morning to see about the other friend.  He may have needed a bit more time off anyway, though, too.  Sucks to be this ill.

Later.

E-gaming.

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I don't know how many of you folk play games.  Consoles such as ps 4 or xbox, computer gaming, or the handheld units some of which are interactive with consoles now, sharing some games and usable as controllers, all offer various content with some overlap.  Oh, and not all of it is hardcore gaming.  They have created content for just about everybody.  Yes, your momma too!  No joke, if it is funny, at least to me.  Of course, what they play isn't exactly what true gamers play.  And, yes, there is a difference.

Some believe gaming is an addiction.  And for some people more than others, it is.  Though in truth, most gaming has some element of that.  Some of that comes from having very old aspects to our brain and a very new living paradigm.  Even fifty, but certainly an hundred, years ago, we were struggling to keep food on the table and a roof over our head.  We really were.  Today we have very little difficulty finding food.  Even at midnight, living in a berg that would have been consider the boondocks just thirty years ago, and I can drive in and by fast food or go to a store and buy less processed/ready foods.  It's a different life.

Without the push just to eat, stay moderately clothed, and find shelter, we look for something to fulfill that need and want for a driving factor.  Most of us realize we really can't change, certainly not fix, the world.  Socialists and communists believe that, which is why they are so driven for politics.  If they ever realized the truth, and that even if they do change the world, given who and what they are and how they do things, that change would definitely be for the worse, we might have a better world (and more gamers).  Many of us realize the only thing we might be able to improve is ourselves.  And, if that happens to make the world better, it is more likely to be through example.  Not quitting, not choosing the easy way, not taking what isn't ours, even if supposedly for someone in need.  And, actually, gaming offers considerations regarding self-improvement that civil socialism and communism can't offer.  Verified better scores, expanding a mind in order to explore ways to solve problems, both in game and life, that might not otherwise have been considered.

Of course, gaming can be taken too far.  So, too, can television/movies/reading.  As can even education.  Have you ever met those types who have half a dozen masters and ph.ds but who have never worked?  Further, much of the education is phony.  They just learned how to get the answers for the quizzes and tests, without actually learning the material.  There are those who stick so much to the real world, as well, that they know nothing else.  They are known as workaholics.  Everything can be taken to extremes, and most things will be, if they are satisfying and more available, or seemingly available, than other/better options.

For me, it is something I can do when all else fails.  It keeps me from dropping into a cavern of nothingness.  Medicine has been helping these last few years.  But without something to do, something that isn't to physically demanding, yet gives that feel, I would be sleeping a great deal more than I am.  Regardless what you may have heard, sleep is death.  So, for me, often, games are a lifeline, for the mind.  They even help the body, in some ways.

In any case, over the next week or three, I am hoping to discuss various topics related to gaming, at least for me.  Subjects such as open world versus small and linear, means for producers to raise or lower difficulty and which of those I prefer, among other topics.  To be honest, I don't think there are many who don't play.  Even my mother games!  And, yes, she takes her gaming seriously... if I chuckle at her choices.  Then again, to a degree, that is exactly what I started with as well.  Yes, gaming.  I will be discussing much.  Just... not until I return.  Hmm... I may take a notepad and, for when I'm not at the hospital, so as to work on some of these notions.

I have been considering taking a book of short stories.  I'm not sure if my friend would care to be read at though.  I'll ask him when I arrive.  I sort of wish I had some of the ebooks in physical form.  I meant to do that, but got lost in life and illness.  Some of those, even the end time ones, are pretty good and generally short enough, some of them, to be read in a fairly short session.  Perhaps I could just read off my smartphone ereader.  Reading to someone ill is a good practice, mind you.  Can't talk a lot, and have little else to really do.  Depends on if he can stay interested or at least enjoys the notion.

Later.

Back on some sort of track.

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I can't swear when I actually went to bed.  I think someone called, maybe several people.  Not sure I spoke with any save one call.  I have no idea what was said.  Or I dreamed all that.  If I look at the phone records, I might be able to be sure, though I am not sure it is important.  Not at this point.  I am sure I stayed up until at least mid-afternoon, maybe a bit later though possibly earlier.  Up at midnight yesterday, and perhaps a sixteen hour day.  Good enough as I am working my way through things.

I best call and cancel dinner.  Or did I?  Either way, I need to make sure.  Then I need to get some food down, omelets are pretty good.  A little cheese added, perhaps sliced olives, sometimes plain.  It's good enough.  Maybe a run to town?  And I need to get a shower in, maybe a bath later too.  Plus a bit of packing.  It doesn't take much.  Taking the right stuff means you can take less.  How much, or little, you pack, depends on a lot of things.  Still, even for four days, a very small case should do.  Oh, but the cats.  I best figure that out.

I am not sure when travel will begin.  I would guess that a 10:00 start might be pushing it.  Though time will tell on that.  Sometimes it just happens, when it happens.  First, though, I need to finish waking.  A fresh pot of coffee and something to eat after that, then a shower.  Later.

As it turns out...

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And it always turns out, if not always how you planned, hoped, worked...  Yes, as it turns out...

While it was suggested that my other friend would not be going to the SLC area today, as his friend, who was supposed to be released today had been set to not be released until tomorrow... from another hospital...  Well.  It turns out that he will be being released, and at mid-day, likely at noon.  Right.  He called and... my phone has been forgotten in the other room.  I didn't hear either call.  I did get the messages.  Our mutual friend, however, was called.  But he was a bit out of it.  When asked about me, he thought I was going to moving the hospital buildings around.  And, while that may or may not be, I had not discussed this with him previously.  :p

Now, after I realized I had been called, listened to the messages, and got a handle on the data, I called back.  There is no way I could have gotten ready, by that point.  And he had already, of course, being 10:30, taken off.  I would have needed a shower and all.  However, this is all actually pretty good.  Being that the release was noon, there was little likelihood that we could have visited our mutual friend, and picked up his other friend.  And a visit after picking up his friend would be unlikely.  He, too, is in bad shape and needs to return home.

Which means there is some better chance of taking single vehicles, splitting some costs, and not needing to rush up and back.  All assuming our mutual friend is able to have visitors.  To know this, I will need to call the hospital and his sister, and find out what I can.  I could call him, but he wouldn't be all that helpful.  And probably wouldn't quite know who I am.  He might not even when we visit, but that is something else.  Yeah, well...  Two guys with really bad hearts trying to manage visiting two ill friends.  Time runs oddly, pushing isn't always possible, and it is tricky.  Still... it's what we can and wish to do.

I think I'll make an omelet, have a spot of coffee, fresh if possible, let that settle, then make an attempt at figuring out contacts and trying to stay up to make it a full day.  I am feeling better.  But this is the latter part of the day, which is always a time to begin slowing down.  Not bad though.  And I think I can have things arranged before too long, and make those calls, eat some food, and maybe get another shower in.  I just need something to make me work and I can then get to more than I thought, by far.  Later.

As things find their place.

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I can't be sure if these things are mood music, or salves for healing, or expressions of pains recently felt or soon perhaps to be known.  I only know they seem to work.  Enjoy, or... something... as you may.

It sometimes amazes me.

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How can I go from being in horrible shape, being confused and distraught, to hitting a stride that is as good as it gets.  A few days back on meds, mostly, and I am like a new man.  Yeah, medicines can help, especially as I have arranged them.  Doctors can't be left to their own devices, but if they offer certain medicines, and you use due diligence, figuring what works with what they offer and your body, plus obtains the numbers they are looking for, you... well... you won't walk out of this alive, but you might just live a little longer and more meaningfully.  But you have to do your part.  Given, if you are ill enough, sometimes, all on your own, you won't always be able to do your part.  A helping hang really would be good.  No less than if you are well.  A helping hand is something we all need from time to time.

I have been messing with my foot as well.  No matter how good I was beginning to feel, if I couldn't put my foot in socks and a boot or shoe, it simply wouldn't matter.  And, until yesterday, that wasn't possible.  After another shower, and letting that soak, then spending a good deal of time figuring out what hurt, and why, I did a bit of doctoring.  I found that the major problem was a cuticle spike.  I was able to gently trim that so as to be able to bandage it.  After that worked for a while, I added a sock.  All good.  It looks like I should be able to travel, as a driver or passenger.  Next is to figure out when, where, and how.  I might even try to locate lodging and stay a few days.  You don't know what it's like to be that close to death and all alone.  I do.  His sister may be there, but it's nice to see other faces, especially if this is going to be his time.  I don't like that, but... I think I can handle that now.  He won't just become a ghost without a name and face now, either.  If that's how it goes.  It's the nameless and faceless ones that... are the problem.

I have also been trying to push my days and nights into correct order.  Waking at midnight doesn't sound great, but it should give me an easy to noon, and a little more drawn out until 18:00~20:00.  That should be enough for a trip, finding lodging, and crashing... then daily visits for a bit.  So much work for such a simple seeming thing.  It feels like I am running through mud, sand, and water.  But it is coming together.  And it isn't killing me, it's bringing me back from my own edge.

Anyway, that is how things are going.  I might head out to grab a meal, then tinker on the machine to keep life going.  I called the other friend, who may be traveling with me, or vice versa, or we may go down as a minor convoy.  No answer.  Then again, I wasn't sure there would be.  Late as it is.  I'll try at 6:00, then 8:00, and if need be 10:00... the latter would be pushing a trip tomorrow.  So after 8:00 I may try to call my ill friend's sister for more information.  Yeah... I know.  Not sure, yesterday, I could have even planned this out.  So, it's good enough to go, if I can find an exact address, visitation times and permission, and perhaps an inexpensive local room to let.  I'd do it for any of my folk, if I knew.  Later.

Some things known.

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I now know where my friend is, which hospital.  In SLC, of course.  What is going to be done, or not done, I don't know.  It is a valve in his heart.  While his family said the doctor hadn't put the nub on the surgery because of smoking, it seems as if that isn't true.  I have a second source that seems to confirm that side of the story.  The surgeon may simply be refusing to do the surgery because my friend smokes cigarettes.  I'm not, myself, convinced there is any connection, especially since the valve problem seems to be congenital/genetic, and not due to smoking.  It is medicine deciding to to kill and who to try to save based on external factors.  If he was overweight by forty pounds, and the doctor refused to treat him, it would be similar.  And, trust me, they will come for all of you, for this or that, if they get away with this.  Drink coffee or tea?  Eat "health food" that the doctor doesn't approve (potentially even "organic" food)?  Eat junk food?  Eat meat?  Are a vegetarian/vegan?  Any of these could be a basis, more so as the government is adding bureaucratic layers, and depending where you live and what the local "norms" are.  Just something you best be considering.

The other thing to note, is, as people live longer, there is less concern by the medical field for the elderly.  Some will argue that this is practical.  And, maybe, it is.  Faith in God, however, isn't practical... on a purely science based world, either.  Then again, neither is science, since most even it has to be taken on faith since none can know even enough to be sure about the practices in their own field, even if they are the top of their field.  I would rather put more faith in life, and take the risks, and treat seniors, children, and others, than to just surrender.  Unfortunately I have no access to medical ethics panels, aka death panels.  They were already being put in place before Zerocare.  Zerocare just gave those the Stalinist stamp of approval to murder whoever they saw fit.  Damned practical.  God damned, as well.

In any case, there is a chance that a visit might be figured out Monday.  If they will be doing the operation, probably, that would happen Wednesday.  (All according to what I have heard, which is second or third hand, perhaps more, depending on how you count things.)  Still, there is some hope.  I would just figure out how to drive down, but there is a good chance they wouldn't even let me visit him without family clout.  Yes, there are ways to work around even that, if weekends make that much more difficult.  Bleh.  A bit frustrated, but at least it looks like a plan is coming together.  Just that he is still alive, and in some sort of supervised care, leaves some hope about how things will turn out.

Ah, the computer has been just sitting there as my mind has been elsewhere and my body has been repairing... I haven't been walking as much.  Oh... and I realized, finally, that I haven't been taking medication since I dropped that one recent time.  I wrote that I would be getting back to it, but that never happened.  I started medicine again two days ago, minus insulin so far, mostly.  Bleh.  I'll keep at it.  But that does explain some things.  Sometimes that hurts terribly, but being broken up and interrupted, as well as not having much and resupply lines being highly questionable, it's... it's been difficult and I was already suffering so it mostly went unnoticed.  Yeah.

Later.

Attempting change.

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Attempting change?  Or attempting to alter the change that is happening already?  The latter, I think.  Have you ever been stuck.  You try to go one way.  If that fails, you try to go the other way.  If neither works after several attempts, you may begin an attempt to rock back and forth, or push, pull, press, tighten.  Anything to get out of what is becoming claustrophobic.  I haven't, exactly, had great success.  I will keep at it.

On top of that, I found out that my big toe has not healed.  It has merely stopped throbbing pain in the form of massive bolts of electrical PAIN every few to quarter seconds.  And I can walk.  Swelling went down.  But touching the top of it... reminds me what I escaped.  My toe cuticles can become like razor blades.  While kept down (short, not far off my toe), mostly, that cuticle had hardened.  It's more like a three-way blade, with one of the blades coming off the toe, the other two split to either side of the vertical one, on the horizontal plain.  Now, whatever else happened, some large part of that cuticle was broken loose.  So touching it moves the skin, broken off the toe with the cuticle, causing some serious pain.  However, the bruise/sprain part is better, so long as I don't bump it... which... after a small error, I assure you I don't.  And I can walk on it without yowling.  Yeah, I'm a big baby on this.  Shut that.  I handle many pains quite well, and can ignore many.  This is one of my kryptonites.  So...  I'm not quite sure how to do more to treat it.

I did stay awake long enough to call the middle friend about the other friend.  No one answered.  I will keep trying.  I'm not sure which hospital he is in.  Learning that I will call to find out if he can have visitors and what times are best.  I know what it's like to be in a hospital alone.  I even know what it is like to die alone.  I am hoping to cut some of that out for him.  Hmm... might have to see if reading, or  a game item, or something, might help him soak up time.  Though if he is in really bad shape, there might not be much to do.  Still, I can visit more often, maybe read to him if that helps.  I just have to, literally and figuratively, work out how to get back on my feet, and figure out where and when.  Fighting through fog of health and pain of body and some tricky things.

Later.

One of those calls.

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A friend called sometime today.  I just checked, saw a message, and listened.  My friend is in the hospital and it isn't looking good.  I am going to have to figure out how to be awake at the right time to call back, figure things out, and get in to the hospital.  A simple visit at least, though I will check to see if there is anything he needs while I am there.  He had a minor stroke recently.  I don't know if this is related to that or something else.  I'm not good with these sorts of things, but I have improved.  So... tomorrow?  I am hoping.

To get my mind off that, since I can't do much about it, I messed with the keyboard for the new system, rechecked plugs, unplugged some things from the motherboard that aren't required yet, and am about to take the monitor I am using to type this post in and set it up for an initial post attempt.  If that goes well, then I break it all down while figuring out how to install it all into the case, in the same simple configuration, hook everything back up, and attempt a post in the case... or I troubleshoot until I can get a post or figure out what is wrong and begin dealing with that.

I may take a shower or bath first though.  If I can get it to post, I will head in for a bite and see about some of the items I want/need.  Walmart probably won't carry what I need.  And yet it is worth a shot.  With my time off..  Even if I get in to town tomorrow, I don't know if I will be able to go shopping on top of it, being that it will be a very harsh change in my schedule.  Hmm... I ought to see if the fellow who called wants to go along when I go in to see the friend he called about.  Yeah, I'll ask when I speak with him.

Yeah, well, I'll do what I can.  Later.

Weird.

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That toe I told you about?  Yeah, well, it is healed.  I swear it looked like the knuckle was turning, darkening, heading toward black.  I banged it solidly.  That is a very rare occurrence, thankfully, but I guess it was time.  Beside the knuckle, I had somehow terribly ripped the cuticle.  Don't ask, I don't know how that all happened.  Or even, exactly, when.  I was nearly sleep walking, and realized a few seconds after that I had done something not good.  I did bandage it, and have changed that, and take bandages off at night often, to let them breath.  And, after trying to ignore it for the previous day, I decided to put a pillow under that foot and be careful with it.  Today it is as if nothing happened.  The bruising is gone, the pain is gone.  I'm not sure if the cuticle is still sore, though when I take a bath I will explore that.  Strange.  Oh, and I can walk without that odd limp that was becoming more required than not.  Very odd.

Today I am hoping to simply work on the machine, take a shower, and do a bit of cleaning.  There is some chance of working my day around and getting out.  Most likely, however, I will try to find some phone numbers and let some people know some things.  Life is still a bit crazy lately, but it'll do.

I have to admit, the more I work on this machine, the more sure I am that I didn't make a mistake with that first machine.  I am beginning to believe the guy who sold me the parts sold me bad parts.  Between greed and wanting to build the computers himself, he discouraged others.  And, yes, I can see it.  I was, and am, very careful with how power supplies are connected, which cable goes where, and such.  That hasn't changed.  Either that or the parts were bad, and since he liked building, he just used that as an excuse to take over the project.  There isn't much you can get wrong without forcing things.  And I simply don't.  He never did say what was wrong, and I was naive enough to believe him.  I really hate the things people do.

Anyway... I am hoping to do one more check, then attempt a post yet tonight.  If it posts, I will go from there.  A case install of just the main parts, then another attempt to post to make sure everything is right in there, then the remainder of the build... though I need a few things to complete it... a sata III card and a few more sata cords, possibly a few extensions.  When it is in the case I can check more carefully and make a final list of final needs.  Later.

Well...

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I couldn't sleep.  Though getting out probably wouldn't have happened anyway.  I stubbed my big toe about as well as a person can.  Three hundred pounds, moving quickly but in a sleepy stupor, and a three foot thick stone wall makes for a serious bungle.  I knew I hurt it, but thought it would just be better.  I avoided putting weight on it, just in case.  I don't break bones.  I think, thought, that I came about as close to that as I get.  Oh, and I ripped the top of it open pretty harshly, somehow.  So, for a day or two, I am not going to be getting out.  I will changed the bandage occasionally, perhaps take a soak bath a couple of times, and if it doesn't sort out, I may actually find something to use as a bottom splint.  Not broken, but I think I bent it far enough back to have hurt the stuff in the knuckle... tendons... ligaments?

The pain has sort of thrown me off my game.  I think it was numb for the first half day to day.  Now it is screeching.  Big baby.  It's really starting to hurt.  Doesn't look infected, so I am suspect it is just seriously out of shape.

I'll do what I can.  With the birds frozen, I am not worried about getting them out in an absolute hurry.  Thanksgiving is fine, but Christmas is the traditional time for a goose.  Even Thanksgiving isn't too awful close, enough time to heal most likely.  Though I might take anicin.  If that doesn't work, or the swelling gets worse, I might try that other stuff.  Not my favorite, and I don't know that I have seen it work on swelling, but... I might have a chance at an objective observation of it's claimed ability.  It is about bedtime now, though some painpills might be required.  Good night.

Slight change of plans.

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Okay, I did finish the last of the research and feel as if I could attempt to run the machine for the first time.  I will check everything, but I won't attempt to post.  I want to sleep, and think I can, in order that I might wake earlier tomorrow (this afternoon), deliver some geese, and then if I am doing well enough and all, get to town to look for a few extensions, a few more cords, and a pci-e based sata III card.  Then, if I can, I will begin attempting to work the machine through, problem solving as I go.  If it all works well, and I find the last of the things I need, perhaps I can even finish the build, or get a good start on it.

How am I feeling?

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On the outside, or how well I can move and do, not the best.  Not the worst, simply nothing much to write.  On the inside, however...

If I could just write that to a file and export that feel and energy to the outside world...  Oh well.  I'll enjoy it anyway.  *woof!*

Awake and awake.

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I kept fussing before going to bed earlier.  I was absolutely strung out into exhaustion, but I didn't want the geese to just sit on the porch.  Between it still being above freezing and raining off and on, leaving birds outside would not have been wise.  And it's a good thing I did force myself to stay awake.

When the geese arrived, I realized I don't have my freezer back in order!  Ah, but remember, I purchased that secondary fridge/freezer?  Yes.  It was still in the garage, in packing.  So... I had to, while still in pseudo epileptic fits from exhaustion, cart that thing through the cave, find a place to set it up, unbox it, and figure out the instructions.  UGH!  A beastly chore but I was not about to allow such precious gifts to go bad.

Relocating the thing was truly a beast.  Unpacking it was just as bad.  Some things, no matter how strong one is, are one-man jobs.  And, yet, that is what I had.  A woman can help on these sorts of things, because strength isn't needed for one part, just extra hands and at certain angles.  Anyway, I got it moved, unpacked, sorted the interior, plugged it in to get it going, then grabbed the instruction manual.  There wasn't much to the instructions, and yet there was a major point.  The "FF" (fast freeze), which I really wanted and needed, has a four hour use limit.  Ugh...  Which meant that, while I could use it to plunge the geese into a solid freeze to initiate the thing, I couldn't go to bed.  I figured about an hour up to let the freeze set deeply, then I could set the temp and go on to bed.  More than four hours of FF use could damage the cooling system.

After that, I checked on the geese.  Still frozen but just.  There was no more dry ice, or whatever they used.  They must set it to just exactly how much is needed to get to your door.  And just that.  How much longer it would have stayed frozen I can't say, but surely not through the afternoon.  Dang good thing I forced myself to stay awake, then pushed through the work.  I checked them, first thing, when I woke.  All good.  Probably a bit harder frozen than before, but they never even got actually close to feeling thawed.  Worry.  Those are a small fortune in foul.  Still... all good.

Since waking, and while waking, yeah... got to be ^this old to say that... I did a bit more research regarding the i/o connections.  I will check it, and the other connections, again.  I need to ensure that the power cables are in solid states.  Power being quarky is more than likely what will fry a machine.  The wrong connection, not all the connections, a short.  The wrong device connection could be a problem.  But those are pretty difficult to get wrong.  It's sort of like trying to use your foot to activate the turn signal.  Still, some go that extra mile!  Power, however... if it isn't even, and solidly attached, can smoke things.  And it can look good and not be good.  The again, too much pressure and you can snap boards, causing shorts and other problems.  Unlike, say, sockets that are pressure sensitive, there are not rated, controlled, power connection tools.  It takes experience, and that sort of experience can be very expensive.

Anyway.  I did figure out what I needed.  I will look over the connections.  And I did look for, and find, sata III pci-e cards.  They have them in the $30-$40 range, on up to dedicated raid boards at ten times that base range.  I'll be sticking with the $40, though I hope to sift through the offerings to find something that has decent reviews and fewer reported problems.  Many seem to have trouble being used for raid.  But they would do just fine with the disc players, leaving the native board sata III for the two raid configs I want to arrange.  Bleh... so much!  Oh, and I will need another couple of sata cables, perhaps a few extensions as well.  Baubles to be bought locally.  So close, so very close.

If I check the connections, and feel satisfied, I may well end up attempting a post tonight, and working with the bios.  Though I have everything needed for minor overclocking, I won't even consider that until I see that everything is running, and well, at basic settings, and for a while.  A burn in, benchmarking, OS install, and a few other things first.  In time, if all works, and after I have the system, software to hardware, all set up and arranged... and backed up twice over... then I might think about it.  That is a while off.  But a first stab at getting a solid post, and any troubleshooting, might happen yet tonight.

Later.

Wha?!?

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Too "late".  The mind is drifting.

I did get the front panel power set up.  Correctly?  I guess I will find out, before too long.  Though I am leaning toward it being correct.  Several forums seemed to indicate the same setup, and that made sense, potentially.  I installed the video card and connected that to power... which is off of course, for now.  Then I began tinkering with the 2.5" sled rigs, sata cords, and power cords.  It wasn't as bad as I thought, assuming the connections are actually good.  I have both sleds set up with two ssd's each.  That is the main thing, other than the blu-ray, that was left before attempting a post.  That way I can set up raid 10 on those, installing win 7 shortly thereafter.  I don't know if 7 is as bad as some of the others, so that if I add those hybrids in raid 1, if I will have to reset 7 as if I bought a whole new computer?  I should check on that.  Oh, and I did get the cpu aftermarket fan cooler off and back on.  It is MUCH easier to use a socket.  It's still tricky, just not as tricky.

Thirty years ago, I would have pushed on through, taken my monitor in and hooked it up, then attempted to run the numbers.  I am not that impertinent, impatient, or foolish.  Of course, "that" is the key word.  But no, not tonight.  I will sleep on it.  Then, when I wake, I will begin checking all of the power cords, all of the connections, finding things I am not sure about and researching those (or again, probably).  They really did a horrible job of explaining the front panel i/o and led hookups, adding in something totally different without even explaining what it was or how to deal with it.  The manual for both the motherboard and the case seem to be well out of date, and shamefully.  The tech that is there is... two, maybe three, years old, at least.  No excuse.  Though I am beginning to suspect sales suck.  These devices have been sitting on a shelf since they were made, only some were sold.

Yeah, something is really odd about the world economy.  Everything that is moving is a fraud.  Transferring goods from one place to another, without any sales taking place, to make it look like sales are happening... building cities no one is or probably will ever live in.  How much tech even actually works?  The newest mainstream chips I have seen from Intel look more like a green based step back.  It's crazy out there.  No one is willing to cross the line, call in debts, pull, push, or scrumming.  Fascinating to watch.  Terrifying to understand.  Imagine watching lions and lambs all too afraid to run or chase, just looking around in a sort of shock or stupor.   Do you have any idea what it would take to make that happen?  Now... think about what it would take to make greedy men, warful nations, even terrorists, all reconsider what they are doing.  Spooked.

Anyway.  I won't be turning her over tonight.  Maybe not even tomorrow night, depending on how well my research and certain goes.  I want to have it pretty much nailed, at least in my mind, before I push the buttons.  It is definitely about bedtime though.  I actually expect there to be some problem.  Major or minor... that's just how it goes.  I have already hit some, though I seem to be figuring them out, so far, faster than they arise, mostly.

Good night.

One thing figured out.

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Okay.  It looks like the manual simply decided not to explain the difference between "FP PWR/SLP" and "PWR SWT".  They both do the same thing, only use the light to indicate on/off or on/sleep (and maybe /off, too, somehow).  It wasn't in the manual, it wasn't online, it wasn't in the fast connect.  You were just supposed to know it.  As to proper connections, in theory only the hard drive led is, from what I have read, vital to be in the correct polar setting.  Settled, unless it isn't.  A few more things to dig into.  I might install the video card first though, and then sleep.

It isn't hard work.  Between contorting to get into a position where I can work on some things to concentrating on figuring out what things mean, finding the information I need for certain, and applying all of that, though, can be a bit taxing.  You can burn a grand or three in a heartbeat and have nothing to show for it.  I'll take my time and play it as safe as possible.  Still, at the end of the day, I will have to plug it all in, fire it up, and hope.

Oh, this will be done shortly.  Remember, my hands are massive.  Somewhere between an extra and a double extra large.  I, thankfully, don't have sausage fingers.  It is still a lot of landmass to mess with tiny details.  I do really well with that given.  To tell the truth?  I've already done this.  The problem?  I... didn't take the sticker off the bottom.  *shrugs*  At least I know I could do it.  Though I think I'll see about a socket with just a screwdriver drive for it.  And maybe an extender.  (start the vid at about 6:52 for how to install... before that is just... nerd stuff... going over what is in the box and all)

Well, back to work.  Later.

Yeah. Not quite.

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I did find information on the audio.  What surprises me is that they have analog still, as an option.  Perhaps non-gaming motherboards might still have very low level audio?  Or is that the cpu?  Or, possibly, both, with the weakest link being the deciding factor?  I still can't find good information regarding the front panel i/o ports, leds, and such.  Half of them I am sure about, the other half simply don't make sense.  They are contrary to various sources, the manual only offers information that is explicit regarding two of the plugs (two of five) and those are contrary to how one of the others is shown in a diagram to be arranged.  Huh?  Yeah...  Why so fussy?  Some power arrangements can be backwards without a problem.  Some can smoke a motherboard, and more.  You can wipe a system with the wrong connections.

I keep looking.  I might just give up on youtube and look for other sources, which might then, possible, have videos (from whatever source), and a more sure information set.  Possibly even finding a forum that is still active.  Oh, and I am finding some problems.  I can't, easily, or even with the cables I currently have, connect all four ssd's.  While they do fit on the bay sled, connecting power and sata cables as they are arranged...  I suppose it should be possible.  Or they wouldn't have designed sleds that could handle two drives, right?  I suppose I could contort the power cords something fierce, but the sata cables...  I am just not seeing it.  I have looked on youtube for that as well.  No real luck.  I found someone who suggested that they were going to do it, or had done it, but didn't show how, or even show it after it was done.  I, with this too, might look at sources other than youtube.  Youtubes search engine seems shot.  I might have to, sort of, give up on them.

Something I would suggest to youtube is... know thine enemy, and friend.  And, yes, treat them differently.  If someone brings you a ton of traffic, don't try to paywall them out of using you.  Is it worth trying to scrape $10 out of someone's wallet when they bring you a ton of traffic?  Seriously?  Think about that.  For the casual viewer, whatever.  For free advertising that brings in many viewers?  It's their call.  It looks like they haven't plugged every hole, but they are getting close to it.  If done, they will lose far more than they gain.  I promise.  I just can't pay for every service out there.  Especially not the ones I keep in business through links.  Choices.  Consequences.

Anyway, on to a bit more work.  Oh, I can probably do without the drives, of any sort, up front.  I just need to check which i/o and led wires go where, toss on the video card, and see if I can get to the bios, update that, and see how it all shakes out.  If that is good, I can begin arranging settings, then install the motherboard if that works.  THEN get the rest of the system up and running.  For the fiddly bits I will look around locally.  I have enough power supply cords, it's the correct type and angle of sata cords that is the catch... and the nerve to twist-bang all of that to somehow fit.

Later.