Not recovered.

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For the last three weeks, I have gotten out twice in a row each week, then maybe, on one or two of those weeks, another day out.  It was a push, to break out of what had been a bit of a lock up, or down, depending on how you see things.  That lock down had been in play since the start of summer, mostly.  Sure, I had things to do.  Yes, my new friend had made requests.  But I always have things to do, if not always requests.  I had hoped to be better, recovered, today.  I am not.  The lungs are a bit sore, if also they feel as if the bit of work and activity has cleared... something... out.  Tired but clear, the lungs.  A bit of a switch.  I just wish I could work well enough to get them in shape, while keeping them clear and thus not tired.  My body, my muscles, are all just a bit sore.  I suspect, using them a little, they simply aren't getting enough blood flow to repair from the simple use.  No headaches, of muscle or other natures.  Only organ pains a day or two in this episode.  A general malaise, however.  Though that might be as much winter as a worn out body.  Though I can tell I am worn.  I need more days down.  No real choice.  Though, perhaps, I can get to a few things here in the man cave.  Or not.  Bleh.  I will aim at some work though, mind you.

I have been dreaming.  Bright, strong, interesting dreams, too, if I can't keep them in memory.  And sleep has been good, if I have been having to keep the door open to allow heat in, which also brings the cats in, which can disturb sleep.  At least I have been sleeping well, if a bit short, often at six to seven hours.  And I need to go to bed earlier.  Gah!  How to force these things, I do not know.  Even when I worked, sleep and wake were crazy.  They would manually reset, but just as now, only through great pains.  Back then I was well enough to swing a double double shift and force a reset.  Now, not so much.

I'll keep at it.  Good day.

Just fiddling.

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I never really know.  Although, from time to time, I suspect.

Rough.

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I'm glad I stuck with two bottles of beer.  I don't think that was the problem if I am sure more would not have helped.  A bit of a fever last night, upset stomach, headache, and just ugly parts of some of the night.  I tended myself as well as I could.  Some of it just, there was no way to treat it.  It was, thankfully, mostly mild.  I have simply done too much over the last few weeks, after being down for a while... down for too long really.  All good.  I'll pay the price and keep up as I may.

It is a pretty morning.  We have been getting sun more lately.  Today is an iffy one, as regards sun.  Though it is a bit brighter, not so heavily overcast, here first thing.  It is another day of rest.  Though it would be good to get a shower in, maybe shave, perhaps do some laundry and/or dishes and/or work in the kitchen.  But just little bits.  I really can't push too much.  Not yet.  A bit, though, is always good.

I'll do what I can.  Pray, for you and me, even if you should not like me.  *cough*  Seriously, though.  I really don't mind.  And if I don't like you, though truly I can't think of any I don't like, even those of you who don't like me... but even so... I would pray for you more, and the right kind.  I figure if someone doesn't like me, they probably have a problem, because I don't hold grudges, mostly.  And those very few that I hold, or in which my opponent refuses to see their errors, I turn it over to God for some time in their future.  Ask, whether I am here or not, and should I know about it, know that it has been turned over to God for remediation.  Easier to work with me, though God knows my will, if He also knows our faults.  Don't try to sneak one by.  *wink*

Later.

Well, no beer.

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Until things get straightened around, no beer.  And I am trying to, if not very well, watch what I eat in an attempt to get back in shape.  It might or might not help.  Oh, and I finally purchased the sugar substitute the wife of my deacon suggested.  Took long enough.  Yeah, no, it isn't just doing things they know about that can take a long time.  While I have been getting out twice a week lately, I have so many things I need to do in that time that... well... I still haven't arranged for Sunday clothing, I haven't quite gotten an oil change or cleaning in... if money played a part.  The kitchen, and rest of the cave really, languishes.  I do what I can.

Still, no beer.  Or, no large amount.  I have a couple of beers at a time, once or twice a week.  At my size, it doesn't offer a buzz.  But that isn't why it is consumed.  I simply like having a change of pace, something different to drink from time to time.  I sure would like to drink to Lemmy.  Hmm, perhaps a couple of beers would do.

I am still pretty wiped.  The nap didn't seem to help all that much.  It was simply required.  I was a bit worried that it was too late, and a nap would mess things up.  I didn't, for one thing, have a choice.  Down I went.  It looks like that won't be an issue.  While it is 22:00 and change, which is later than what I would like, it isn't too far off.  And with today being a day of rest there is hope I won't need extra sleep tonight.

I might be up against it, in many ways.  And yet, oddly, I often seem to figure out how to get on through.  Even when the woman doing my billing at the hospital has a grudge.  *grins*  Yeah, I know.  She must be the one, some time back, who was riding my bumper, then when I forced her to pass she drove really slow, then had other problems.  Yep, I... didn't see her well enough, but I get a sense of things.  Now I know.  Funny thing is, unlike her, I really don't care.  She can't mess up my day... even if she shot me to death.  You just can't win against some things, if that is what you are aiming at.  The best way would be to be better, but many people simply don't have that in them.  Yeah... I realized it after my first visit it, had it, mostly, confirmed on this visit.

Good night.

A favored bard has died.

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Bowie?  Fu u!  No, a bard for my type.  Lemmy Kilmister.  And, now, the fake part isn't the part you'd think was fake.  Born Ian Fraser Kilmister.  The lead singer of Motorhead.  A band I, when they dropped, was weened upon.

A few of my favored, to give you an idea.  Yeah, you probably didn't hear of him.  And yet you think of yourself as cultured having heard of Bowie?  Psha!  Yeah, these songs mean a great deal to me, personally.  The first was just the way it often was.  The second as I was figuring my way through and beyond the first.  Many people really don't care, as long as their bread is buttered, their linens are fresh, and their meal is hot and on time.  Nor, as I have come to understand, can or should they.  What, exactly, about sacrifice, do some people, including myself at one time, not understand.  Even if it isn't for an exact man or woman, sacrifice is real, and about ideals, even if it seems, at times, to only be for your brothers to the left and right of you.

Tiring, for a day of rest.

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Oh, but at least it makes me chuckle.  I do my best, kiddies.  I push and pull.  I knew today would be half a day and less.  I've spent all my fuel cells and then some.  While I am about to crash for a short nap, I have actually done more, gaming, than I thought I would.  I also wondered about in-game survival.  Reflexes, concentration, focus, and physical agility using the controller to react to those other things, when I am really tired, can be problematic.  As it turns out, I downed two or three new bosses without a death.  I have died a few times, but... that IS Dark Souls 2.  You WILL die.  How often, to a degree, is up to you, your skills, and a bit of luck.  All I am saying is I have done much better than I thought I would... in game.  In life, otherwise, it's about what I expected.  I didn't think I'd need a nap, but I should have realized it.  Or at least the potential.

Tomorrow, as well, will be a slow day.  Then, I am hoping, out Friday.  Maybe early, too.  I'll see if my friend wishes to go.  Dang kids!  It's good to be getting out, to have someone to run with, and all.  I'll always miss my friend who died.  But he wouldn't want me to just sit around and then die.  He was both of our friend.  Anyway, Friday then I might take two weeks off from the outside world and attempt to get the kitchen in order, then the living room.  No promises, but that is the plan.  If I can get things up to some sort of specs, I'll have my friend visit and make a meal here.  Let him do a bit of shopping on the way, but split it or pay whole, makes no difference to me.  We'll see.

Nap time, now.  Later.

Good boy.

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I really have been good.  I've been pushing to get and take medicine, I rescheduled with my doc once I got medicine going, I am back on right doses.  I have been out taking care of business, moving things around, setting live back up.  I had my tires rotated, oil change and cleaning are planned for next month.  Money, while not too tight... I just prefer to wait for those expenses.  I have been doing as well as I can.  Eating, shopping, taking care of other things.  Which is why I haven't been blogging so much.  It is taking everything I've got to catch back up.

Between this and that I have been gaming and sleeping.  Who would think that someone in my condition can, after a rough start albeit, end up being able to pretty much plunder a game like Dark Souls 2.  There is still a boss or two who gives me troubles, or a surprise that catches me off guard.  And yet I am ripping things up in game fairly well.  And the game has been eating up all the sitting time I end up requiring from being out and about two days in a row, shopping, visiting my friend, and taking care of business.

I have a day or two down.  Two days in a row really beats me up, at least until I get back in some kind of shape, and when health is good and while that lasts.  I have actually been enjoying the cold though, which is good.  Still taking care of too many things to mess with snowshoes, but the idea is still there.  I really am hoping to go camping, a few times anyway, in the winter.  Nothing fancy, not clear across the high country.  Just a few days out and in and back, if I can.

Back to resting through gaming.  Later.

Sweetelydo... or don't?

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Just being jazzy on the swing around.  Sleep to wake, fully recovered.  It isn't even that shoveling snow should be all that bad... if I could keep up with life in general.  It's just that, when I haven't done anything for months, THEN almost any work is half murder.  But shoveling a 10' x 40' x 3", plus a bit of sidewalk, plus part of a perpendicular run...  Well, that's a bit of work on any day, quadruple the load after being mothballed for six months.  And, yet, I did it and enjoyed it, mostly.  I also recovered fairly quickly.

I suppose a quick recovery, a good sleep, and being back on a day schedule all adds to putting a little extra kick in my limp this morning.  Oh, and tea is ready!  I've had tea for the last few days as my primary liquid.  Adding honey sometimes, and other sweeteners at different times.  Gotta mix it up.

My mother did call me back yesterday.  It seems she was helping a friend, one of her lady friends.  She had broken an ankle, and they were either going to leave her in the hospital, then send her to a nursing home, or as it ended up take her home for just over the weekend and then decide what to do.  It is a lot of work having to do complete care.  The woman doesn't want to go to a nursing home, but the family decided otherwise.  At least until/unless she regains strength and heals.  She is a headstrong woman, something she might rue as she easily passed it to her children.  *grins*  The woman has coming through a lot, so I am hoping she does end up back at home.  But, with all else, it is too much to care for her if she can't do much on her own.  Anyway, for whatever reason, cell phone reception was bad where she was.  At least now I know.  I was actually becoming worried about her.

Sleep was great.  I did dream about a man who asked me if I really intended to ask for the hand of a specific woman.  I asked him how the sun would obtain the moon.  He didn't get what I was after.  I simply suggested that the sun chases the moon day and night but never lays claim.  In a way, I suggested, it is because the moon stays far enough away.  It is that simple.  If she gets close enough, attempts on her hand will be made.  If she chooses not to be more than an idea, a love from afar, all she has to do is keep her distance.  Live is very simple.  Men have their times, where the ball is in their courts.  Women have their time.  And never are they at the same time, by the rules of such reality.  It is, at this time, in this way, in her court.  Though I have made it completely clear that, should she enter my court, I will steal the ball and attempt to score.  *wink*  Have no doubt, if she arrives to play, I will play to win.  The ball is in her court at this moment.  That is all, you may return to quarters.

Well... on to my day.  A shower, shave, perhaps some fussing, feeding the cat, then gaming until I decide what else to do.  Later.

Okay, yeah, sure.

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I asked a question.  I believe I got an answer.  Do I present that way?  Maybe not exactly, but very plausibly within what is real and among the reals themselves.  Both songs could easily be seen as who I really am or could be or have been... to some varying degrees.  In the first, yeah... it's there.  In the second, should I find a nubile wife, definitely.  And, at times, I can resemble some of the rougher states of those shown.  Resemblance, perhaps of kin like ways.  Perhaps just in certitude, though I think more.  I think, sometimes, when people read here, they think it's just... stuff, writings, stories.  When they meet me and... something clicks?  It can hurt.  The way many truths hurt.  Whether about me, or simply about reality, is for the... one whose eyes have been opened to know, or choose or understand.  In time it all becomes clear, to great suffering.  Just the way it is.  Disturbing.  Even if they don't agree, they do see that I do believe.  No story, or not so much.

And, I tried to explain this video to them, which is why they went to that post to explain their problem.  Well, and that I don't believe politics is the solution.  Huh?  Nope.  Unless God is your politics.  Politics is only, and ever, and at it's very best, a necessary evil.  It isn't, can't be, and won't be the solution.  But if men are well armed, there is a much reduced incidence of crime, both citizen on citizen and state on citizen.  Anyway, this is the video, and ideas, I expressed.  How to arm the other eleven.  Indeed.

Better.

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While I couldn't do much, the pain has been milder.  It still keeps me immobile.  Though as such I can find comfort.  Some days I feel like pushing it, or have to and can.  Some days, like today and yesterday, I simply did not have an interest or need in pushing through the pain.  Yesterday was more gritting and grinning.  Today was all about not moving.

It seems as if the female missionaries have moved on.  Too bad, but there are so few, it's probably good that they are shared around.  A couple of young men showed up today.  Being a mess, and not being able to describe why...  We had a bit of a discussion, but I think they wanted to just leave.  Not sure what I said.  No worries, if they are looking for work or souls to save, I understand.  They are welcome to visit, or not.  I do look a bit rough, can't blame them.

I don't know about tomorrow.  I'm not sure about the rest of today.  Gaming, mostly, today.  I called my mother.  Reception was poor.  She said she would call back but never did.  So, a bit ago, I called her and gave her some razzleberries.  Nothing too serious, just...  Some days, when it all goes wrong, one gets the sense of being pariah.  Not really, I mean I don't take that all too seriously.  And yet, it rubs.  It's funny being human, or close enough... such delicate egos, emotions, and weather/season can add to it, or perhaps even been mostly the whole of it.  No worries, just fussing today... can't do much else.

Oh, but I'm doing better in the game.  Amazingly better.  Not sure, it is as if a light switch came on and now I see.  I am beating bosses I had trouble with, and new bosses I thought might take me down... ones I had not fought before even, and winning on the first shot.  It sure eats time as I heal.  And while I was shoving my days back into daytime.

Later.

No go for today.

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What started out as a minor twinge in my lower back ended up being a bit more.  Nothing too terrible, just trying to skip through it was not going to work.  If I stayed still, it was easy.  If I moved, straight lines were best and less enjoyable.  If I did anything for any sort of time, my body vetoed the effort quickly and unforgivingly.  No worries, I thought that might be the case.  A day or three down may end up being necessary.  Though I am going to make an attempt at an end play and get some things done on the slow and sly.

I am about done for the day as well.  I can't remember when I woke.  Perhaps 3:00, maybe 6:00, I just don't know.  I am done now.  It was definitely worth being able to get the snow removed.  It really is good to work, when I can.  My friend suggested that many men with bad hearts end their lives shoveling.  I didn't say this then, but the notion is pretty much how I feel on the subject.  If I start closing down my life to tend something, I might as well just end my life.  Yeah, there are limits.  And there are things that are more, or less, advisable.  And, yet, if I can't live, I am already truly dead.  Which I am not.  Mostly.

Good night.

I did survive my youth.

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Oh, and yeah, it was... odder.  Where do you think these stories derive?  Anyway...  While I'm not quite on some beach, on some island, with some bimbos... I could be should I wish it.  I suspect that men to end up there, if they ever finally do come to even more of a spot of wisdom, will find something more like what I have.  Oh?  Yeah.

Dreams fade when they are painted on the world.

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Yes, dreams too.  Haunted by events of the near future.  Burning shadows with the fires of truth, repentance, righteousness.  Giving even of life, if necessary.  I am not alone if there are others much closer to the line, of flesh.

As I head into dreams...

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Just some thoughts.  Something out there.  Something... telling, warning, remembering... forgetting.

I did get out.

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It was more than I probably should have done.  Just shoveling was enough for the day, really.  Thirty five to forty feet, four inches deep at least.  Wait, actually I did a measure, with my index finger, let me measure... okay... three inches and small change, actually.  Still, that is a lot of work.  It did wear me out, no doubt.  And it took three different runs at it to get the last of it.  Plus I went out and salted (which really helped with the temps above freezing for the last few days).  My back is a bit sore, I know I will sleep well, but I didn't stop there.

I called my friend.  If he could help me get going on my vehicle, I would be in, and take him to a shop there in town.  We talked quite a bit, then took care of the Xterra, then headed to the bakery coffee shop.  He knew of the place, but thought it had closed.  It had closed, but opened recently under new management... or such.  Tea and sweets, for all the efforts.  But he paid.  I also picked up a loaf of bread.  True professional bakery stuff.  It's called the Crumb Brothers, I do believe.  A very good place to stop in, take a friend, for coffee or tea.  I'm not sure if they do meals, but I would like to try various offerings.  The bread, by the way, is fantastic.  The treats were very good.  I just like to have a number of places I can call home, of sorts.

After that we went shopping.  When one or both of us aren't too sick we might end up getting into all sorts of the right kind of trouble.  I need the same sort of help he needs, and I can help on some of the things he likes to do.  Both of us are considered, and are, too slow for many regular groups.  For hiking, or camping, we just don't fit.  However, we can both survive just fine.  Just don't push or prod.  I can drive, I just don't have the... gumption?... yeah... gumption to get out, on my own.  He may have the gumption, but can't really handle some of the rest of it.  Oh, and he had considered Burning Man.  I think that would be a bit much.  The heat alone.  But the crowding, getting around... nah.  However, there are local burns.  I'd like to see him visit one of those.  Just to see.  I think he would be surprised at how personable many of the people are.  Rude, sometimes, kindly sometimes, but fairly real people.  Not a bucket list thing, just... a thing.  Not a bad one.  And I messed up last time, if for the right reasons.  With someone else there I would have to learn to... deal with the situation.  I'm telling you, she had it all in the right places and ways.  And I think she had an eye game going on.  She wasn't sure, she wanted me to be, and I was becoming sure.  Anyway...  I'll have to figure it out more honestly next time.

Burned out.  I will sleep well.  A shower in the morning, and I may head back in, to get an oil change and a tire rotation.  Or Monday, if I can't.  I also need to get back to working on getting Sunday go to meeting clothing ready.  Bleh.  Later... Or, good night actually.  Sleep well, I will.

Today or not.

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I am finally well enough into the day schedule, that I considered escaping into town.  A bit of shopping.  Perhaps a meal.  Maybe a visit.  When I went to bed last night, or the night before?  I thought someone had been by.  I crashed so hard, it was the day I stayed up until 19:30 (I think).  Yes, that was several days ago.  Yesterday I only stayed awake until 15:00.  Anyway, I checked, and, yep, someone, two someones, had been by.  I only noticed one set of prints, but in my dream state of near-wakefulness, I heard two voices.  Don't know what they wanted, but it's all good.  There was no way I could have waken.  I had pushed, that day, like a mule.

So, today, getting out?  Ah, right, but what allowed me to know that someone had visited was tracks.  Which... aren't a problem.  It was what the tracks were in that was the problem.  Snow.  I saw some of it coming down, but it didn't seem to be all that much... deep.  I'll bet that was four to five inches.  Not extremely wet, but not pure fluff either.  Yeah...  So, I got on it.  My drive is clear, but that did bust me up just a bit.  I still like working, when I can.  After I finished, I salted a few nasty patches.

I then called my friend.  He has been calling me, and missing.  I don't know if I simply haven't heard the phone.  While I keep it near, it is still easy for me to miss.  Either that or I have been asleep when he calls.  I'd like to go visit.  Make a meal over there.  I may have to take a pot or pan, depending.  Like I said, if I am going to be there for a long time, I might as well make a decent meal.  Roast beef, potatoes, and rutabaga is my plan.  And an offer he can't refuse.  If he helps me get my vehicle ready for a professional cleaning, oil change, and tire rotation, I'll get him over to the steak house.  It's been a while since I have been there.  I can't quite see to getting all the work myself.  But with two cripples, and incentive, perhaps I can get the Xterra tended.  Plus get a meal out.  Either way, I will get the Xterra work done, soon.

Oh, and since I was feeling a bit fancy, I made it to the post office today.  Just... because.  I was awake, the drive was clear, and I felt like it.  I like to do the little, and big, things of life.  I do.  I love it when I can.  Annoying?  Sure, sometimes.  But, too, a part of life.  I have cheated death so harshly, but death has cheated me greatly too.  So I enjoy even the prices, costs, of life, when I can.  Later.

It's either a train or the sun.

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I seem to be approaching the light at good speed.  I was awake until 17:30(ish) last night, the latest I have been up in a long time.  Or was it 19:30(ish)?  Yeah, I think it was the last.  As I recall, I set the alarm for 5:00, after rounding up, adding eight hours for sleep, then tossing in another for good measure, using the alarm, it was hoped, as a backstop, not a primary means of waking.  Huh?  Yeah.  I ended up waking at 1:00 or 2:00?  Maybe 3:00?  To be expected when I make a huge jump in my schedule.  I think the latest I have stayed up, beside that, was 15:00 yesterday, but more like 13:00 the last few days before that.  My effort is the same, day to day.  The effects just happen.  I'm honestly not sure all of my effort actually means a damn.  That doesn't mean I'll quit, it's just being honest.  Hey, as the widow who offered her coin, and was praised for having given all she had... so it is with me and my will.  I might not change the world, or even myself.  I will die trying.  And, you know what, like my schedule coming around of late?  Sometimes it does work.

Now, pushing my schedule as I have has left me pretty much busted up.  I won't be doing much else.  I can't, really.  Gaming, to push the hours.  And for something simply to do.  I haven't even been blogging.  There simply hasn't been anything to say.  I haven't even been thinking.  Though I had a wonderful dream about some of my various "brothers".  Men and boys who at one time were kin of one sort or another.  Some of them ended far worse, some of them are far worse and not dead.  I have known some fine men.  Even those who have failed... where good in ways, to a point.  Even the ones who did wrong, start to stop, taught me.  I have lead, trained, learned, followed (to a degree), laughed, and even cried with my companions.  I pray for the living and the dead.  And that they might find forgiveness, as I surely do.

My friend has called, several times by the look of it.  A message has been sent.  I need to get in to town for other things, getting him out would be good too.  I would like to get him to the men's group.  Though I am having great troubles attending myself.  If nothing else, getting in a couple of times a month.  Oh, and perhaps, since he talks all day (not judging, definitely not judging), making a meal when I go in.  I will be ordering ducks to replace those I lost.  And I am going to plan on buying a whole beef this spring.  Then, three months after that, half an hog.  I'll be giving some of the beef out.  It would also be good to feed folk.  He said he owes a woman or two.  If not both at the same time, perhaps having a choice guest to eat with us from time to time might work as well.  Just some thoughts.  Oh, and food pictures... he might be able to help or tinker along with me on that.

I am back, well, on medicine.  I am trying to eat more regularly.  I do slip here, while doing well there, always something.  I'll keep at it.  I'd love to be out in the snow, even once in a while.  Taking pictures, snowshoeing, perhaps even winter camping.  I'll... I'll get there.  Later.  *wink*

Push and shove.

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My days are becoming real days.  It isn't too rough, either.  No great pains, I'm not even seeing minor sufferings.  Medicine is back on track.  I hope to add a bit more in.  Nothing fancy.  Though if I can hit the whole of the kitchen, top to bottom, then go even deeper, clearing even shelves, that would be good.  I may be to that point again, or not.  Of course, getting dress clothes ready to attempt a run at confession and Mass would be good.  Plus, if we get a fresh snow before too long, I would love to try out the snowshoes.  Those I can probably do one way or the other.  I'd like to practice with them, dry, here inside first.  But that isn't absolutely necessary.  I have taken a couple of heavy falls, on iced pavement (one was covered with snow, so easy to miss... the other was a time I was trying to get out and help those who came to help).  Yes, I can handle a full hard fall.  Neither even made me sore later.  *grins*

I do need to check my accounts, make sure everything is good there.  I need to do a bit of shopping, though that will have to wait until tomorrow.  After I finish the corned beef and cabbage, I'd like to make ham.  some to be added in with beans, some to be frozen for other uses.  I've never made scalloped ham... is that is how it is called?  Coin sliced potatoes with cheese sauce and ham.  Oh, well, and some simple ham, which I will probably eat first, splitting portions for those other meals as I go.  If I cook a few sides each week, then a whole large meal once or twice, I can keep in food, for the most part.  Having eggs on hand, and a few other items, makes it all easier... if I could keep up on dishes.

I have shifted my days around.  I am about half way there.  No fast moves, nothing drastic.  I can do that, but not without great pains.  Of course, I know it will slip back, in some amount of time.  I think, in the thirty years I have been mostly dead, the longest I was able to keep to schedule has been since they began treating my heart, and has been three months.  College was brutal.  If I made class, I had to either be on one "shift" or another, or break through my sleep cycle to make it to class while I should have been sleeping.  Those options, of course, and missing class.

Well, on to something.  Mostly gaming.  I has been keeping me awake without wearing me down to much in a physical way.  Sure, it's Dark Souls II, an sob of a game to be sure.  Just as soon as I figure something out, something else comes along that doesn't want to work... or the game just decides it's my turn for a dying streak.  Yes, the game cheats.  Yes, it has flaws.  It, really, is a lot like life.  Or, at least, my life.  And more literal than usual.  Very few people die, let alone multiple times.  Few have, in just about all ways, lived on either side of that line, and so closely, as I have.  Often in more than one way.  That game and much of the music here really is more my story than anything else.  If I had the ability, I would be in Oregon.  While I don't think they will win, not this one, if nothing is done we will all surely lose.  Some will have to be murdered, some will have to go to prison, and bureaucrats will have to be seen as the enemy that they are and then dealt with.  Too steeped on death's door, even in this minor way, to end up on another is all.

Every time...

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In this last month, every time things were looking up they faltered.  On the other hand, every time life was looking to crash, it didn't.  It has been a very slow, mild, middling, but low, roller coaster.  Nothing done but nothing broken.  No great function but no terrible pain(s).  It's 8 F out, and I'd love to be out in it.  I can handle it, if I am not sure I could do much.  And it might wear me down a bit over the line... or not.  I do like the cool, usually.

I still haven't arranged my clothing, or dug into the freezer or kitchen.  But, today, I am going to make a move on those things.  If I can get clothes together, and keep pushing my day further into the real day, I may attempt to make an special appointment for confession, as it might be a month or so before I can be awake during the regular time...  Then, if I can do that, figure out a weekday Mass.  Even just one a week, though with the hope of more.  And, as time rolls around, a high Mass, one on Saturday or Sunday.  Or both.  I also need to arrange some other things, with regards to church and charity.  I know, I know.  God forgive a forgetful lost fool.  The intent really is there, the mechanics and such are often lacking.  Perhaps I can be there on the next high holy, Easter.  And I would like to help out with lent meals.

Pushing?  Yes, but why I have been asked.  I have had many answers to that question, through time.  Now, though, I believe I have the real answer.  Even when it hurts, perhaps especially when it hurts... when it pains me in other ways, as an annoyance, even a grievance... when it would be easier to just quit, to give in, or up, or out... among other things...  That is when holding on, making all effort, continuing... even if those things are just in my mind... that is holding on to life, and the truth, perhaps Truth, of life.  When God chose me, and I chose Him back, I have come to realize, that was a very large part of the package.  Not as a generality, or theory, or even some certainty but without any real costs or price.  Life is holy.  Even mine.  And it must be sought, right through the shadow of death.

Rather than condemn me, join me.  Not for my sake, for yours.  Sad to see so many who have a full whole life who throw it away, abuse it, reject it.  I have every reason, of a worldly nature, to do just those things.  Not only do I not, I literally dance on my grave.  I know, in time, it will be proven false.  I know, even now, what I suffer is just as false... in the whole of Truth.  Yes, join in the rhythm of life.  Later.

I'll keep at it.

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Days and nights are completely topsy-turvey.  It is 8 degrees out there, F not C.  Though, while it snowed more as I returned the other day, and then while I slept, someone, again, hit the driveway.  Awesome!  I am trying to keep up.  It just isn't working well.  The cold isn't getting to me.  It's just... everything and all.

I have been figuring out food, give or take.  I keep forgetting medicine, but the will is there.  The memory, focus, isn't.  Just beat sudoku in 8 seconds though.  That is my new second fastest time.  I have done 5 seconds once, 8 seconds once, 9 seconds probably a score or two of times, then 12 seconds many times.  Though even a 12 second game isn't all that bad.  Even if I have done it a hundred times, I doubt if most people can, ever, play a game that fast.  I'm not sure what that speed puts me in, percentage wise.  Though I am guessing it is in the... nosebleed section.  I'm not sure it is IQ based, but there probably is some sort of neuro-intellect thing going on.  It is both physical and intellectual.

Anyway...  I had hoped to make corned beef and cabbage for my New Years meal.  I bought the meat several days ago, but then forgot what I was doing and froze it along with the other meats, though I did remember to keep a package of steaks out, which served well enough.  The day snuck up on me, I guess.  I have it thawed and will make some for tonight.  Yes, I remembered red potatoes as well.  All I could find was red cabbage.  Not sure if it will be much different.  Will find out soon enough.

I have been gaming, to try to stretch days, stay awake, all that.  I've been staying up on the girls.  Food, litter raking, and just extra attention.  When they can't get out, when it is too cold, extra attention to each eases their cabin fever.  I can tell, fewer fights.  I haven't gotten dress clothes set up yet.  I'm... thinking on it.  Bleh.  I'll keep trying to remember to focus, or some such.  With medicine, potentially, back on track...  That sure spooks me.  I'd hate to drop it all and walk.  But that is just as possible.  Should I be troubled with some things.  We will see next time, and should my doc decided to add a medicine, or change something.  Every time I get ready to deal with this I twitch just a bit.  It might work out.

Good day and good night.

Didn't want to go.

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My mother insisted.  My Christmas package should have been in, and she was 'distressing'.  I didn't make it in to check Monday, or Tuesday.  Finally, today.  Though I suspect that it had been in for a while.  Something about final notice.  But the problem is, I was in Thursday and/or Friday.  It might have been missed though.  Or... not, as a solution set of several types.

Now, to get out, I had to be awake.  Literal mornings are, generally speaking, my current prime sleeping hours.  If you run a normal day, my mornings would be, say, midnight to 4:00.  Imagine trying to focus in those hours.  I had to shower, dress, then today clear snow.  Further, now I can't quite get back to sleep.  I am dropping off now, but it's an ugly odd thing.  Sleep will be weird.  Oh, and everything I removed, snow wise, is back.  Bleh.

Ah, but I did call to set an appointment with my new doctor.  The middle of next month, or thereabouts.  I added it to my calendar right away, or it would be potentially forgotten.  I'll keep at things.  But first, sleep!  I need sleep so badly.  I set the appoint out a bit just to try to get my days and nights more properly ordered by the time the appointment arrives.  I'll be pushing days and nights in the hopes of making it on time.  It will be a push.  You have no idea how good it is to be able to keep a steady schedule.  If you can do it, enjoy it.

Good... night, I suppose.

Chilly.

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That isn't the only problem, just one of them.  The old motor grinds while I attempt to kick it over.  I had realized that this might be the last of my medicine, so had stumbled a bit, again, about taking it.  When I realized how low, and how much last time had taken to get a resupply... if it hadn't gone through I was just going to let that go.  I still had my eye on another path, but that was unlikely.  I realized, about a week ago, that... something was going to happen or a major failure was due.  Anyway, with a resupply on the way I can take what I have with some confidence, plan a doctor visit, and get back on track.

Well, that left no scars, or marks.

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I wasn't sure how that would go.  I reordered medicine.  No hitch, no argument, no phone tag.  It was a simple transaction.  Okay to send the insulin tomorrow?  Why, yes, I believed so.  I didn't make any fuss, tried not to cause any issues, didn't comment one way or the other.  I am simply in it for medication, my health as much as that is possible.  Ego, after as many times as I have torched even my own, is not a part of my program.  Anyway.  Medicine on the way.

I actually woke a little earlier because I heard the phone.  I was sure it had rung a number of times.  It indicates only two calls.  One from Iowa, the other for sure my mother.  My guess is both were from here, one was simply a landline.  She wanted me to check the mail.  But, when I finally called her back, it was 11:30 I believe.  The post closes at noon, so... yeah, no.  Some days I can pop, jump, and run.  That is rare and becoming rarer.  Today was not one of those days.  Tomorrow, though.  I will... figure it out.

Ah, with medicine seeming to be back on track I decided to call the doctor I had been seeing.  If he still has room, I will begin seeing him again.  While I was going through my phone, trying to remember his name, I finally did contact management.  It looks like, somehow, my phone synced with my email address in a weird fusion that simply didn't make sense.  Much nonsense was removed, and some old links that are gone.  I... didn't remove my recently dead friend's number... not quite yet.  In time.  Perhaps after a grave visit or two.  Too few of those I have cared for, who are gone, have gotten such a visit.  Not by choice, quite often, mind you.  Some know no place, others were lost to me in ways that wouldn't make sense to you.  Yes, perhaps visiting a grave will... help sort things.

On with the day.  I'll set some things back in play and do what I may.  Good day.

A bit.

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Not what I had hoped, not along my plans, just a few things on general lists of things to do.  As well, sleep is just off.  Eight to twelve up and down.  Not a regular day.  No worries, I'll keep at it.

One of the things I did was make a meal.  Fried chicken gizzards and hearts.  It just didn't work out well.  Still, a bite is a bite.  I'll try to figure something out for the week.  Hmm, ham and beans.  I really do love that, and it lasts a good long time.  There should be enough to freeze.  And it is easy enough to cook.  Even starting with dry beans.  It would be good to get to town for small grocery shopping.  Onions go very well in ham and beans.  Carrots would be good for peanut butter topped snacks.  I like celery but it goes bad so fast.  Not sure about shopping today.

I did get the trash out.  No recycling, not sure if this is the week.  I keep resetting the dishes.  I did get a shower in.  I've been showering often, and really hitting my feet with the pumice stone.  I haven't had feet this human feeling in years.  I'll keep at that.

I don't know.  It's a bit rough, just in that I can't quite seem to do proper days or keep on target.  Other than that, I think I'm doing much better than I had been since summer started.  I'll keep at it.  If you were supposed to, or thought you would, hear from me... and haven't?  Don't take it personally.  I'm just a bit off.  Later.

Push for more.

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I am still a bit laid up.  Two days out, and all-dayers, really put a pinch on my motivation.  At least it didn't end up doing anything truly foul.  As well, it didn't dampen my spirits or will to action.  Both are still in good stead, ready to be applied even over slight exhaustion.

I have decided, short term, my goal is to clean the kitchen, top to bottom, with as much speed as I may muster.  If I do that, to real satisfaction, say by Wednesday... then maintain that until I recover, I hope to head out snowshoeing.  Maybe just in the back yard, but plenty.  If that doesn't tucker me too much, I know of another place, Green Canyon.  That is where my former woman and myself went "cross-country" skiing.  They have a side path for snowshoes.  I may also seek other places, if that goes well.

After that the goal is to hit the living room.  Strip it nearly down to the bare, vacuum and steam vac, reset the place... all while keeping the kitchen in order.  If I can keep those things together, then I'd like to set up a camp in the back yard.  And, if that goes well, and I can arrange a camp well enough that an overnight in very cold temps is possible, then I might try to combine the snowshoeing and camping.  Part of what called me here was to have to cold winter wind kiss my cheeks high in the mountains.  And, if I can only get that to happen once, it would need to be soon.  Though, who knows... if I become a minor mountain man, perhaps that will extend things.  Not a part of the plan, just a possibility.

A shower, first thing.  Then I set the dishes to soak.  I may put laundry in later.  As I suggested, however, the only thing I plan to do this weekend, on the main, is to put together several dress outfits for church, church events, social events, and such.  I should have enough for four main whole outfits, if I need to work on shoes... having several that are too tight with occasional swelling and an pair of oxfords that don't actually go with true dress slacks.  As well, I might have enough else to varying those four mains.  But they may all need some to much care, perhaps replacements here and there, or repair.  I need ties, too.  What I have are quite shabby.  Not good enough for God, not right for men of good intent.  And, yes, that means something.  This isn't pride, this was requested by the church and God.  And, by heaven, if men of humbler means and meaner circumstances can show up in clean, neat, and right... I... I'll do it too.

Oh, and have a good day.  This isn't meant to be a bummer post.  I hope it to be... hrm... motivational.  If I seem too focused, with seeming too much intent, understand that for the dead to live, great care must be gathered and directed.  Yes, good day, and later.

Well, that works.

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I finally snuck out to the garage, to see if my phone was in the vehicle.  At first it didn't seem so.  Then, there it was, under this and that.  However it was dead.  I was able to get it to turn on, barely.  Alarms and warnings about cataclysm, plus when I plugged it in I was informed that the battery was too cold to charge, so I turned it off and gave it an half hour to warm up.  Charging, now, finally.  All good.  Saves me a trip to town, that would be the only other place it might have been.

I woke later in the morning, I think.  I thought I saw 10:02 or 10:20, but I'm not sure if that is when I woke or if that is when I went to the bathroom one time or another.  Here it is, at 16:00, and I am quite tired.  I am pushing to stay awake until... 20:00?  Somewhere in there.  That might help reset my days and nights.  It's shining out there, as much as it can in winter.  Which is quite nice.  All I need is that little touch of sun, from time to time, as a safety rope to grab onto.  It allows some opportunity, all else working, to straighten things out.

I finished the last of the ribeye roast.  It was the smallest one in the store, something I purchased to replace the ducks I lost.  Yes, the freezer came unplugged and I lost the ducks.  This time, though, I know what happened.  It was my fault.  Bleh.  When I first realized it, I was so angry I couldn't spit.  I just left it as was until I could regather my wits.  When I collected and tamed my emotions, I looked it over.  The cord had gotten caught on a lower back corner.  And I had moved the freezer out, in order to sweep behind it.  I never got to the sweeping, but one day decided to bump the freezer back against the wall.  But the cord that was around the corner pulled just barely enough to unplug the freezer from the extension cord, but without pulling the plug all of the way out.

The ribeye was good though.  I'll order more duck next month.  Just two.  Oh, but the ribeye roast was inexpensive, compared to the duck, by pound, though I'm not sure if by pound of actual meat?  The poor roast was not quite full.  It was the end cut, so of questionable appearance, size, and quality.  It ended up being quite good.  Half yesterday, plus.  The remnant today.  It made for quite a nice meal.

Hmm?  I'm not sure.  Another day of partial rest, then Sunday...  The only thing I hope to do today and/or tomorrow is to get several dress clothes sets prepped, polish my oxfords (once I find them... and my hiking boots too I suppose, as they work as winter dress, at least with corduroys), and look for another pair of dress shoes.  I want to prepare to go to official events, and keep that prep ready.  I've fallen down on that and I'd like to fix it.  Choir events, Mass, confession, whatever...  I need, want too but really need, to get back to work on these things.  Hmm, some slacks may go in to the dry cleaner.  Not my favorite way, simply required.

Later.

Belated.

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Sincere even so.  Merry Christmas.

Oh, I was in good cheer.  I did make a special Christmas meal.  I prayed through the day.  That will continue for the twelve days.  Only I was a bit limited from what I have been doing.  I overworked, just a bit, so was a bit lower level.  No fuss, worry, or pain, mind you.  Oh, and I seem to have misplaced my phone.  Perhaps when I visited my friend I left it at his place.  So odd, that is the first time I have left my phone elsewhere.  I have lost it here at home.  I have forgotten it in the vehicle.  Then again, I should check there first.  Oh, and when I find it, I best make some calls.

It was a good, if quiet, Christmas.  I hope your day was enjoyed.  If you have too much company and bother to enjoy it, I merely suggest that you divest yourself of the excess.  Oh, trust me, you can.  It is a choice.  It is a fine holy day to keep humble, simple, and right.

No pain, enjoying life, a little tired from overdoing.  And yet that was good too.  It is much better, in my estimation, to fall just a bit after overdoing than to fall for no reason whatsoever.  I love to work, visit, do, and go.  After I recover, I hope to get back to it.  We have good snow.  Snowshoes might be doable.

Just letting you know I haven't gotten into too much of a bind or anything.  Be well, again Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a fine New Years Eve celebration or solemnity and then begin the next year on a good foot.

Oh, right.

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I have been so busy I didn't blog.  Two days ago, I got in to visit my friend.  He had been ill, and down.  Harshly.  The flu, deathly ill.  I told him, if he is ever that ill, to call.  I won't overstay, but I can bring him flu medicine, I can find chicken soup and bring that... preferably from one of the shops that makes it fresh, I can bring groceries or other needs.  In senior living, someone that ill becomes a person non grata.  Fear runs high, death is always near.  I am... rather healthy for being mostly dead.  However, having been down for a month or more, and probably worse than me, plus with no company, well... We talked all night.

I returned late, but had promised my mother I would get out, had other business, and such.  I didn't go to bed until 8:30 yesterday, but needed to be up by noon.  I woke at about 11:00, but had to shower and push to make it to the post office by noon, they close then.  So I pushed.  As I was getting ready to go, I realized it had snowed, and enough that driving over it would... be problematic... packing snow into ice along the drive length.  Never good, can last all winter.  So... I grabbed the shovel and cleared a place for the wheels the length of the drive.  About killed me, but I really had things to do, I made promises, I was dedicated and directed.  And the clock was ticking.  I did make it to the post office, and in time.

Then I went on to town.  Bank business, this, that, an attempt to get in to have my tires rotated, if that failed... but I felt sorry for the lads, they were backed up and running hot, and so close to Christmas.  On and on, I did task after job after duty, knocking them down and out as fast as I could.  I couldn't do everything, but I showed up and made the effort.  Then I got my friend out again.  I needed a coffee reload.  Since I make such a good deal on it in bulk, I could afford to offer him some of it.  Plus, as much as I get, it gets a bit old by the time I am down to the last of it.  A good deal all around.  So to the shop.  Only, this time, they sorted the big bag into little ones for me!  Fantastic.  Now both my friend and I have, to my taste buds, the best coffee in the valley.  And, even so, because of the deal, I make off with 1/2 pound free, unless my math on that was wrong.  Though I don't think so.  But... that's why I'm not an accountant.  :p

Oh, but while I was away?  Someone came and stole all the rest of the snow off my drive!  Thank you, by the way.  Somethings are gladly found to be missing.

In any case, two long days out, much done, lots of conversations...  It took me away.  I hope, however, that I caused no concern.  And, maybe, that my ability to turn things around, get out, push, work, drive, visit, and such... inspires.  I am hoping it lifts the pall from the last months and offers a chance to get things going again.  Yes, yes I do.  If I can keep some things on tap, I would like to get to practicing with the snowshoes before long, and maybe set up my hammock.  While I don't, yet, have it set for winter, perhaps with my full winter/wet bivy kit, it might still work.  A nap, outside, to test, from time to time.  And experimentation with this and that if it isn't quite enough as is.  YES!

And a merry Christmas Eve to you all.  I'll sure attempt to post something for the morrow.  I'm a bit tuckered.  So a day or two to recover.  And, yet, I should be able to write, and in good cheer.  Oh, and maybe a post later as well.  Tired, but not busted up, for all my doings.  Later.

A couple of thoughts, observations, and goings on.

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In no particular order.

My friend called.  He has been quite ill.  His heart is bad, like mine.  On top of it, he has had the flu.  Okay, I can understand that.  I've been down and haven't had the flu.  It's all a matter of margins.  I just got the message.  My phone can be funny.  Sometimes it won't even show someone called.  Sometimes it shows, but doesn't transfer the message that I late found was supposed to have been left, and sometimes, like this time, I just got the "call" notification, and message, but a bit late.  Never mind, I'll work with this as I may.  It's good to hear he hasn't decided against being friends.  He is a complicated fellow.  Some just are.  Then again, I would guess I am considered complicated myself.

I found out that it had snowed last night.  So my eyes were not deceiving me.  The thing is, by this morning, a warm front moved through.  We received rain today and through into this evening.  Rain?  There are six(?) inches of snow out there.  Weird.  I would have thought the rain would have washed more of the snow away.  Nope.

Another friend.  I think about his situation often.  I see that, usually, he is fairly happy with things.  Sometimes life gets a bit... questionable though.  He wonders if he did things right, if he is doing all he can, if what he is doing is what he should be doing.  I have to guess his life station is more than just involved, it is overwhelming.  In his shoes a man can either attempt to maintain order and control, slowly slipping into madness, or he simply has to... just understand.  He probably has no clue that I am envious, in the better of ways, of his life.  He's not an 85%'er.  He's not a 100%'er.  Sometimes going over potential capacity is like juggling one too many items.  I see that too.  And yet, going that extra distance?  That's what makes him a man, a real one, a good one.

I know it doesn't always seem like luck.  I try to confirm, often, that his life choice and paths are much preferred to mine.  But mired in the middle of it, with the cloying demands and confusion it must seem otherwise.  I just hope he and his woman live well long enough to see the next generations begin, and then be able to understand fully.  Only one way to really see that, time and sacrifice.  Perfection?  Your all, plus, as with the widows mite, is more than many, most.

There are some people who are worth knowing.  Of those, only a very few cause me a form of envy... a proper, good, form of that mind you.  He is one of those.

I think I mentioned, that, while I did the driving, and much else, my friend who died had been of great help to me as well.  He called, if I didn't.  He had ideas of what else to do, where to go, or a new gun to shoot.  He helped me stay awake, aware, or more so.  And, you know, I did tell him.  I don't know that he believed.  He sometimes thought I was a little odd.  But when no shoe dropped, I think, in time, he realized I was just another.  He will be missed.

Depending on whether there is ice, I am hoping, eventually, sometimes this week, to get into town.  I need some things, desperately.  I sure hope it didn't ice up.  I keep hearing vehicles go by, seemingly at regular speed, so perhaps not.  If my friend is up to it, I'll get him out.  If he isn't, I'll see if he needs anything.  Tissue, flu goop, food, coffee.

Stiff, sore, sleepy.

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No major issues.  That's just how winter days can be.  It has been cloudy for a while now.  I tell you, being active in heavy winter or hot summer just isn't natural.  Less so with age, actually on either edge of the age spectrum.  As I remember it, as a child, winters were harsh.  Of course, pushing through, or being pushed through, those times and in cold climates is what makes people strong.  Even now, attempting to push through is more important than resting.  Though rest is more needed.

I woke several times to use the facilities.  While up, I looked outside to see if there was more snow.  For some reason I thought we had gotten a couple of inches.  Now that I am actually awake, and looked again, I don't think so.  Snow may have blow over some areas, but not all and not all that much.  Still, I may get out and do a bit of shoveling for upkeep.  It sure beats what I thought I was going to have to do... shovel a long drive clear of several inches.  I need to wake better first.  That will take just a bit.

I am sleeping more hours.  Which is throwing my system off.  Days and nights are definitely tumbling.  Medicines are being taken regularly.  Though for how long I don't know.  I am needing to order more and I don't know if they will send them.  If they do, I'll schedule with the doctor.  I may try to reorder today, if not tomorrow.  I have to be awake enough to talk and listen.

Three dreams I remember.  None of great import, save one but just to me.  One of the non-important ones was sort of endearing.  A little girl, like one of the actresses from the Brady Bunch, when she was young, walked up to me and just said Mr. "Doom", my surname in the quotations.  And looked into my eyes.  Hair all up in curls and tails and such.  It was as seeing a bird on a branch out a window, or sensing the first wind of spring after a long winter.  I suppose this has import, in a way.  The other was more about the mechanics of the universe, as regards life... and death.  The other dream faded.

Reading, writing, and gaming are what I used to attempt to gain purchase on my day.  I may, if I can, make a call today.  Or three.  Or soon.  Later.

A bit gruff.

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Just a tiny bit off this morning.  But this is, really, about as good as mornings get if you aren't a morning man.  I am not a morning man.  Some say it is will, or faking it until you make it.  But that can't be true.  I really think some people are made to be happy when they wake, and enjoy waking early.  My brother was exactly that.  Probably still is, as far as happy goes.  I was his polar opposite.  No matter how hard we tried, we never were able to do what the other did so naturally.  I have actually, in spite of my health, certainly not because of it, made great strides toward being a day man.  Health, but not that alone, causes my schedule to drift.

My neck is just a touch cranky, and shoulders.  A bit groggy because sleep is twisting in the winter winds.  None of that is bad.  I can deal with this, and probably, maybe, find my pace, perhaps do a bit of work.  As with yesterday, I was not able to arrange for good clothing.  I still haven't found my oxfords.  Hmm...  I know.  I'll... try to get those things set up.  I could be fumingly angry at myself but at this point I know better.  I will simply, and only, make attempts.  If I fail, as I am forgiven, and as I make great pains to forgive, I must learn to forgive myself.  Being crippled isn't a sin, in God's eyes.  It is a secular, or worldly, sin.

I still see hope.  I think I can, if I gear and push and watch make it to more action this week, through the week.  I had hoped to get out for several events, but also to do shopping.  I have been out of milk and cream for a rather longish time.  Hopefully, before the week is out, I will get out.  My main goal, however, is to rip in and clean.  That has fallen far behind.  As well, keep food on tap.  I may see about what eggs I have, check them, and boil some.  Thawing brats to be cooked tomorrow, and making a pot of grain mush as well, might see me to food on tap.  That always helps... or at least opens up a few more opportunities.

On the good side, I wasn't missing medicine as badly as I had thought.  It must just be the very short and relatively dark days that have been throwing me.  All good.  I'll keep looking for chances, stay on top of what I can, and get to it as I may.  I really enjoy work.  I think I will get to wear myself out a couple of times, at least, this week.  Wish me luck?  Later.

Well, something stirred.

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I had to push just to get some painkillers down, and then medicine.  I sat, for hours, unable to really get anything working.  I blogged a bit, read other blogs, looked at what passes for news, though more simply got a bit lost in the ether.

Finally hunger offered a bit of motivation.  That didn't, at first, allow me to cook.  It simply got me to finally take medicine and painkillers.  A bit more freefloating and then I got to making a meal.  Chuck roast, again.  Once a week.  I am getting better at making it.  I have settled on a few spices and a simple technique.  Thyme, sage, sometimes bay leaves if I am up to picking a few of the muscles apart in order to place the leaves inside the roast, garlic, and salt.  I leave that, at room temp, for an hour.  The salt, just as with steak, draws the moisture left in the beef out, then  returns it, infusing the interior with the spices and herbs.  Oh, and it tenderizes just a bit.  After the hour is up, give or take (more, actually, never less time), I then sear the roast.  No need to do the sides, that ends up getting the interior too done.  I slowly heat my cast frying pan, with fat (usually tallow), until it is hot enough to truly sear the roast.  Four minutes of that, then over and repeat, for the same time.  While I am heating that pan, I get the oven set to 415F, so that by the time I am finished searing, the oven is ready.  After both sides have been seared, the roast and pan go right into the oven.  Today I added baby carrots.  Well, they were just this side of bad and I can't find any peanut butter.  Rather than waste, roast.

Now, if I have guests, I will cook the meat for about 30 minutes.  That will see it to being done enough for women types and the men who are like them.  For myself I only cook it for 25 minutes, maybe 20 if... my native hungers are more in play.  When I played I played like I used to work and just as I eat... even to this day, bloody.  Once a week, this has become a regular.  I may begin trying to cook more often again.  Even cooking twice a week, plus with the incoming, might be enough.  Boiling eggs again would also help, though just a dozen... for three every other day, say.  Grain type stuff would be nice, for an add.  And, maybe, keeping onions on hand, and carrots, to add to meats.  I do need to eat more, this I know.  Well, that's the plan.

Something happened between, this, that, and the next thing.  An awakening.  I have business to attend, things to do, and maybe a way to it.  It does look frightening, especially with an overweening government that seems hellbent on destroying this nation, on purpose... an electorate that reminds me of the crowd who release Barnabas... in more ways than one, all mainstream institutions brutalized to work against the very reasons they were created, and a bureaucracy that was supposed to be built for my health turning it's hand against me in such a way as to literally be seeming to attempt to murder me.  Yeah.  It does look tough.  And?  I've been against the odds since I was born.  Even with genocide against babies not yet legalized, there were still ways women attempted to butcher their children.  In a world that was fighting the sins of the parents, their children were more likely to be the targets.  Having the wrong name in the wrong place meant having to fight as few can.  Having neither life nor death in my court, being more a weapon each used against the other as some sort of futile proof of it's superiority while each denying that my very existence negated their ability to have a proof.  Each made me stronger.  Perhaps wiser.  Certainly leading me to Wisdom.  If, not initially, all that happy about it.  Still, when seeking the truth and being lead to Wisdom inexorably end up being the same path, only two choices remain.  And, no, I am not saying God is on my side.  I am simply not that big.  I am saying, for my part, I aim to be on His side.  Nothing more.

So, after all this, something is moving in me.  Will it lead to great works today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Soon?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I also, once again, do not worry.  I will do as I must, can, and what will happen after and from that will happen.  Hope?  Faith.  Charity too.  Yes.  I will begin as soon as I may.

Sleep and pain.

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I have some things I had hoped to do this weekend.  I don't think I can.  I went down early last evening.  I hurt most of the night.  Muscles, internals, a headache.  I kept trying to sleep past it or wake through it.  Neither worked.  I am awake but not in the best of shape.  Oh, I'll get better.  Just not soon.  Bleh.  I'll keep working on things.

I had several odd dreams.

In the first I was palling around with a dame, back in the day.  No, not a lover, not this one.  I think she was real, I just can't recall how or when I knew her.  She is one of those women who got away.  I suspect she thought the same about me.  But we had a ball just... going places, doing things, eating out.  It's almost like we were meant to be but that it just never happened that way.  Perhaps we met right after we had left someone else and just needed to figure out how to like the opposite sex again.  Yeah, she was a doll.

Anyway, it ended up that we were both into photography.  Well, once a year, there was a mass marriage ceremony and two of our friends, mutual friends to some degree, were to wed.  She talked me into joining the photographer pool.  There were some amazing sites to be seen, and it was an interesting experience.  Trying to track our friends among thousands of couples was a trick though too, so that took a good deal of my time.  Anyway, toward the end of the event, which ran into night as the event turned into a feast, the photographers pool was on scaffolding near the water when the scaffolding tipped.

Now that was a bit of a spooky experience.  With three levels of scaffolding, each full of people, hemmed in by each other and barriers on the sides, all falling, all falling into water, most still hemmed in, everyone trying to get to air...  A few bumps and bruises, myself.  I don't think anyone was hurt.  I was able to save the pictures.  No one was seriously hurt.  Just a memory, if a dream memory, and not a favorite one.

There was a lot more to it, but those are the highlights.  Dang but she was a pretty woman.  It's a good thing, in real life, duty called.  Or I would have broken her heart.  At least she had one guy she liked in that way to end up as a friend in memory.  If, to be honest, I don't think, for the woman's side of things, that is a good thing.  Better to have a broken heart, I am told, than a friend.  Bleh.  Dames!

I'll take anicin, and medicine.  Perhaps I have been missing medicine.  That isn't all of it though.  It seems to be a piling on of this and that.  I'll still try to do some things, but I'm pretty crippled up, beyond the pains.  The pains aren't that bad, any of them, on their own.  Even all together they aren't too horrible.  But they aren't the main problem with getting to things, either, as I wrote.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I never did lift off.

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Or not yet.  Feeling good enough, I did have a bite to eat.  I attempted to read, blogs and what horrid material passes as even conservative news.  Just couldn't focus.  I read a bit more into SJWs Always Lie.  The first part wasn't so interesting.  In part because I read much of it as it was happening, so the first part of the book was old news.  There wasn't much I could do about it then or now.  As I passed the halfway mark, maybe a bit more of the way through the book, it has become interesting again.  How to deal with sjws, really, is what I was interested in.  While they can't fire me, I think they are attempting to end my life through attacks on my medication.  That wasn't the only way they attacked, and isn't the only remaining way.  Including one of the female "doctors" attempting to diagnose something into my records that doesn't exist as an health issue.  Though, truth be told, since I deal with government, there is no way to fight sjws in there.

I can't quite get going.  I am hoping to get a shower or bath.  Then maybe figure out something to eat this evening, out or in, I don't care.  It would be nice to make sure I can set up dress clothes for the next few days.  Shoes... I know I have oxfords, just not where.  And they probably need polished.  If I get a shower in, or bath, maybe shopping.  Though maybe not until tomorrow.  It's messy.  I'm not working as well as I would like.  I'll keep at it.  That's that for now.  If things turn up, or out, well, I'll post something later.

Trying to figure some things out.

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So... all night... I dreamed.  Of doing this.

That sucks.

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I considered what to send my brother and family for Christmas.  Sure, perhaps a card.  Not enough.  Gifts?  But what.  Who would like what?  Food?  Sure, but with various health issues and preferences, no.  I finally decided on something.  With advise.  A really nice floral arrangement, for the Christmas centerpiece.  I went all in, as far as such things go.  Nearly a week after ordering I just received a notice that the order has been canceled.  There are no florists close enough.

Yeah, I'll... keep thinking.  Hmm, might have to make a call or two.  We might not always get along.  Might?  Always.  Toss in the sister-in-law and we have a hoot.  But... family isn't about getting along.  Not from my side of things.  I'll keep trying.  They do their best, kids as they are.  Yeah, I'll think of something.

Life sure can be frustrating.  That's not a terrible thing though.  It's what, for even those of us at the bottom of the pile... should we hold on... makes us stronger.  I can only keep getting back up if I keep getting knocked down.  This is a small one.  I'll figure something out.  Good night.

Thoughts as I prepare to sleep.

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Yeah, I'll try.  No promises.  With such a long nap I can't be sure.

Thoughts?  Chickens.  For eggs, up front.  Perhaps, in time, for meat.  Though, just as likely, those would be two different operations, different breads, the works.  In any case, I have been researching chicken feed, breeds for both meat and eggs, feeders and watering systems, heating, and whatever else people which to write or discuss.

People are passionate about their operations.  Some, to my mind, such as those who feed their chickens "organic" food, are foolish.  The rest remain to prove out or fail out.  If I have to have chickens, I don't mind putting a little work in on them.  Mixing my own feed?  If it is economical in the longer run, provides better eggs and fowl health, and just works, sure.  If it's a fool's errand, perhaps not.  Though, quite often, there is only one way to know.

More?  Sure.  If I am going to get involved with chickens, and if that works and I don't kill the birds?  Then why not goats.  You know I've considered them.  Sure, more work.  Much more care, higher costs, worries about disease and feed especially if the drought continues, but... milk, meat, and just the idea of having livestock on the place.  The freezer is fine.  Canning is good.  But without living breeding food, those other things are merely stop-gaps.

We'll see.  I actually have three places for various critters.  One is definitely set up as a hen house, the other two could be used for additional hens, goats or sheep, or even a cow.  It does get a bit complicated though.  Even just with hens.  How many, feeding, how to care for the animals if you must travel, lots of difficulties.  A small farmstead of livestock would be much more difficult.  Though, too, there are ways having more than one type of creature can help.  Chickens can clean out goat pens, goats might provide some protection from predators.

It's been an interesting few days of further research.  I have no idea how, at least for themselves, how people can feed their animals organic feed.  If it's for sale, I suppose they have figured out how to make it pay.  But for themselves, unless they are independently wealthy, I don't think it works.  You can throw good money after bad, but it really doesn't work.  Talk to your grandparents, or great grandparents.  I think a lot of people have lost a great deal along the way.  Though, too, even that generation had lost something.  When white bread became a thing, it became popular.  It also caused such massive malnutrition that the school lunch program was started.  White does taste better, and it is easier to digest, it just doesn't really feed people.  And, yes, many people would rather have tasty food than good food.  Organic, however, isn't it.  It's an adverse reaction to a real problem.

Good night.  Or later.

A five hour nap.

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Nothing hurts.  I really didn't do that much work.  Shortly after shoveling and then going to the post office, I went in to sleep and blinked five hours away.  I think when I first stepped out to shovel, the thermometer out back... I thought... read around 20 F.  I may have misread though.  For me, the temp was fine.  I wasn't dressed too warmly, though I did need mittens.

After the work I did feel chilled.  I couldn't really warm up during sleep either.  I am still a bit chilly.  I'll turn the heat up and best feed the girls.  Yeah, I think I forgot to do that.  I went down really hard and fast.  I may see about a shower and shopping tonight.  No promises, just... a hope at this point.  Plus a meal on the way.  I am hungry.  Later.

Dream, wake, work.

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The dream was... interesting.  I was back on a sub, but a fast attack.  And we were at war, probably with Russia.  Now think Modernized steampunk as to war mechanics, and theorized gentlemen's war.  For some reason a truce between one of their destroyers and "my" sub had been called.  The rules of the engagement required that, when we did this, we unloaded all weapons and weapon systems, then parlayed.  Which we were doing.  Then the CO of the foreign vessel noticed a woman.  No, not part of the crew.  We were transporting some Admirals daughter for some unknown, to me, reason.  Though she was supposed to be below-decks at all times.

Anyway, he saw her and fell in love with her.  Since she wasn't part of the crew, or war effort, he had the right, or at least no prohibition against, snatching her.  Which he fully intended to do.  He set his senior staff toward the effort of grabbing her and taking her to his ship.  With only a machete (don't ask, just happened to have it) I held them offing, killing several of the officers.  Once topside, apparently, until the parlay was agreed to be over no one could leave the deck.  Another rule, which had been made into a physics rule, until the ships disengaged, the commanding officers, and higher level officers above commanding officers, were immortal.

The machete was lost in earlier melee.  However, one of their officers had brought a fire axe, and lost it when he died or was injured.  This was tossed to me by some of the men.  Why no one else was helping, in the main, I could not tell.  Perhaps since they were all officers, they were not allowed to participate while parlay was in play.  So, I did have an axe, if it was slower and more cumbersome to use.  I am not sure what he used, though perhaps nothing being temporarily immoral.

I was sure to lose but I would not give up.  I was too vested in the pursuit at that point.  I was parrying his blows, and hitting him if to no good, when all of a sudden my axe actually bit deep.  I heard his cry of pain and terror really.  We negotiated.  We would treat his wounds, and return him after he was stabilized, but for now we had ended parlay.  Any disagreement would lead to the captains immediate death..  Later on I was told that the sub I was on had completely disengaged, and that was enough to end the parlay, which had then allowed me to strike the captain.

Oh, and you guessed it.  I ended up with the girl, and college, officer's training, and a career.

I was trying to wake at 8:45 but didn't wake until 9:30.  However, I did get out to do some shoveling.  There isn't much, just s thin drift in the drive.  However, at the ends, there were piles.  I chipped those out and moved them out of the way or I would have ended up getting caught up on those while prepping to back into the drive.  I would like to remove more but that is probably it.  I'll check the mail, too.  Then crash.  A lot of work, but all good.  Later.

Waking with a grin and pain.

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No, not an associated thing.  I had been dreaming.  A woman I spoke with recently, discussing how women take little bites or sips of things men order.  Whether a part of our meal or desert.  I don't think she liked that she had been called out.  If that truly isn't so much the point of it.  I have noted before, women are thieves, of sorts.  Family, such as mother and sister, but definitely loves.  Just a little, they will say, as they taste.  They only do it with some men, though will push it if they are dearly curious.  Some men are much more approachable, others are more in demand.  To take is to give.  No, nothing, necessarily, of... well... it can be platonic or romantic or simply of great curiosity.  I wasn't laughing at the dear lady who spotted a touch of her husband's, her man's, desert.  I fear she may have taken it as such though.  Still, laugh I did, and am.  I'm not sure why women feel so guilty, or cornered, or something, when this nature is revealed.  And so often they attempt to deny it.  Reminds me of the woman who touched the cloak Jesus was wearing.  There... is something to that connection, if it isn't complete, full, whole.  There, to me, is a spot of humor in both as well.  That was the cause of the grin.

The cause of the pain?  Have you ever waken to the world feeling as if you were on some sort of slant?  Say, ten or fifteen degrees off level horizon?  Yeah, well, I woke with that sensation.  And, either because of it, or it was caused by something which then caused what created the pain, I woke disjointed.  It seems, because I sensed the level plain was other than it was, and I attempted to find the level plain in which to sleep, I... put my body/back/neck/etcetera out.  No big deal, I'll fit back together soon enough.

Hmm, I also dreamed I was back in a college aged community.  It wasn't actually college, merely everyone around was of that age.  Yeah, I was thought of as a parent type, until they realized that wasn't the case.  I fit in well enough that, at some point, they simply stopped seeing me as a parent type.  Gaming, studying, chasing around.  Brassy and foolish enough to get caught by dames in my underwear, trying to do some traveling the lazy way.  Women love to embarrass men.  Oh, nothing bad, or good, happened.  Just... life, from another age.

Isn't it funny?  In one time or place some things would be terribly embarrassing.  And yet, in just a short bit of time, if a change happens, what was embarrassing becomes commonplace?  At least within certain parameters?  When your wife sees you in underwear, for example, at least when you realize it's okay and life just forces the issue, it becomes nothing.  Then it becomes nice, because then you know you are familiar, and home, and with a woman.  The answers to equations written, most likely, before any sun lit any sky, becomes apparent.  I'm not sure how it works with women, but I think, for them, it is getting just a touch of our desserts, meals, life.  Yes, I think so.  Didn't think the dreams were related until just now.

Later.

No, not as much as I had hoped.

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However, I did improve through the day.  I did get a shower in.  I fixed a roast, in part for lunch today.  It should last another day or two.  That was about it.  As rough as I was feeling I am a bit surprised I did even that.  The improvement helped.  I sure would like to get in to town and do some shopping, make a couple of phone calls, and dig in on house keeping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and I really need to call my doctor.  Perhaps to at least see if he will set up an appointment and send for medications again as well.  Bleh.  Staying on top of things is brutal sometimes.

My mother, along with keeping me updated, sent a phone number.  A woman I knew when I was quite young.  Sort of like foam, only when I was three, four, five.  I am pretty sure she protected me a time or two... or more.  She did it honestly, mind you.  She taught me some things through that, as well as... offering pretty solid protection from a... particular world.  She wanted to understand some things, and, while I don't remember exact details, I... have the gist down.

My mother suggested I be gentle, that she is 93.  Grandma Paunch, or Grandma Francis, depending.  I can't remember what I called her, but I do remember her well.  I don't think my mother should worry.  Nothing I can tell this woman, about what she wants to know, would be difficult for her to know.  She just wants to know the rest of the story.  And, for her, I am glad to tell it.  While some had great doubts, for various and differing reasons, some had hope.  She had hope, good faith, and great charity.  I only wish to thank her and fill in the blanks.  I think it will make perfect sense to her.  It will also close out some things for me.

Rough, again.

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And a bit more.  Every time I figure out one thing, or get past it, something else shows it's ugly face.  Sleep has been pretty good, medicines mostly going down, I am not tired.  But my organs feel as if someone decided to pummel then shuffle them.  If you have ever had painful gas, you have the idea.  Only it there is no need to pass gas.  It is the other organs that feel bloated and tender.  Time solves it, or has so far.  It's not always the same organs/areas.  Though sometimes, like this time, it is all of them.  On the good side, they are only slightly complaining.  I've had much worse.

I let the girls sleep in with me last night.  If nothing else, it helps the spirit.  I know they love it... once they figure out the pecking order.  Actually that is based on arrival.  First come, first served.  Usually Sam is in right as I go to bed, then heads out at some point.  Then, sometime during the night or morning, Sassy gets her chance.  It used to be the other way around.  At least they don't try to attack each other when they realize the other girl has proximity claims.   Sometimes the one who is on the outs will just snuggle up behind my knees.  Sometimes she goes off in a huff.  I just can't let them sleep with me every night, or I end up not rolling as I often need and will generate a whole body 'crick', from not rolling.  Once every other, every third day, or just once or twice a month, depending on how well I am sleeping and how much pain I am willing to risk.  Two nights in a row, these last nights.  I was worrying about my mother... company is good.

I am hoping to get to town, shopping, today.  Milk, cream, a new sort of sugar substitute, fruit if I can find good grapefruit, and some drink stuff.  Sugar free stuff.  A variety of something to drink is more important, to me, than food anymore.  If I am really feeling good, I may take my camera along and tinker a bit.  I have a small collection of pictures already.  A few more would be good.  A variety pack of pictures with which to explore Lightroom functions.  Though I just don't know.  And, of course, a meal out while I am at it.  Though whether early afternoon or later in the evening I just don't know.

I did reset the dishes, again, again.  I set a timer, again, though maybe that will get me to them in time this time.  I was in ever worse shape the last time I tried that.  I'll hit the laundry if I decide to shop much later.  And I probably ought to bag some stuff out.  Yeah, I've not been the best housekeeper lately.  It's not just medicine, it's not just the cold, it wasn't just the heat of the summer... it's just a rough spell.  I'm honestly doing what I can do.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Not too bad.

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In one sense.  I ended up sipping quite lightly.  I fell down quite terribly though.  I ended up having just 'one' beer, and 'one' mixed drink.  Oh, and... posting... I pull those posts.  If I improve in time to review the posts I may put them, or it, back... in time.  Not sure.

I did get a message.  The surgery must have gone as planned.  If the microsurgery had not been successful they would have operated the old way and she would still be in the hospital.  Her message only indicated that she was out of surgery and okay, but no other details.  Groggy.  I called back, finally, just a bit ago.  She was just arriving home, so now I know which type of surgery was done.  She still sounds groggy and... well... post surgical.  I simply hope this helps with her sense of well being.  It's tough when organs aren't working right.  Can't do much about mine, if medicine seems to have finally helped a bit and I have learned, mostly, how to treat things beyond that... when I can.  So I am glad when surgery helps those who can be made better by it.

I didn't stay up all that late, or drink all that much.  And yet it pretty much wiped me out.  As well, I woke up really rough, as if I had consumed a great deal.  Odd.  I am glad to finally have beer back in the cave though.  I've had whiskey for a while, but just a mixed drink, often coffee based, twice a month, is about as much as I do.  If I add a couple of beers a week, actual beers, I think I'll be good.  Just another something different to drink, really.

I hate it when people go into the hospital.  You really never know if they will come out.  Even if they come out you just don't know how things will work out.  Later.

A good day.

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A simple day.  I won't be doing any timber work, I won't be lifting iron, nothing fancy and not much.  I don't hurt, I am not too tired, and I do believe I will get to some work fairly soon.  Hmm, actually, I think I already refreshed the rinse the dishes were in.  A load or two of laundry, perhaps another cycling of the dish rinse, then setting a timer.  If I leave the hot rinse go too long, drying the dishes doesn't work well.  As well, putting on a roast, and getting a bath or shower today.  It's actually a lot, until I get back up to speed.

My mother called.  She was on my mind.  I was just 'inches' away from calling her, I just hadn't quite done it yet.  Actually I was probably waiting a bit to make sure I didn't disturb her sleep.  The rare times she does sleep in, she needs it.  And, yet, someone often calls and ruins her rest.  I should know.  That is often me.  Of course she ruined more of my sleeping in than you could imagine.  Something about "school".  Well, she gave it serious effort anyway.  Still, I have pity on the woman.

Surgery, it seems.  While her primary said this, one specialist said not, so another specialist was consulted because the primary and my mother sensed the first specialist was being ageist... or had some other personal problem with care for my mother.  At one time I would have thought it just paranoia.  Now, however, I know better.  Watch yourselves out there folks, some doctors will kill you for not being in line with whatever moral or social codes they prefer, to include simply being too old... if there is such a thing.  Anyway, it turns out it was probably gall stones.  So, tomorrow, they will be removing or shattering what they can.  I think she is a bit frightened.  I wish I lived closer.  Though I think the call helped.  I only wish I had been the one to make it.  Still...  Yes, yes, she is on my prayer list.  Oh, if you would be so kind as to say a little prayer for the old girl I would be quite grateful.  She put up with me, she doesn't deserve more woe.  *wink*

It's a medium day.  No heavy light, but some.  I might open the shades, let in a bit of what is available.  Or... not.  I am hoping to get things arranged and moving before long.  This week is meant to be an active week.  Perhaps a bit of shopping.  Maybe a day out with the camera.  And of course a bit of work on the cave.  Days and nights are correctly set up, but the cycle is fragile.  I won't worry about it.  I am mostly concerned with being as active as possible, eating as rightly as possible, taking medications as well as I can, and doing the little things.  Well, and at least sleeping enough.  I can't worry about the actual schedule.  Oh, and... maybe figuring out confession and Mass, which means clothes and shoes.  Gah!  I'll... try.

Later.

Ah, but I do try.

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I wasn't sure if I would crash early, perhaps too early, or stay up too late.  As it is turning out I am going down about when at a good time.  Not a plan, just how it works.  I have been going crashing since about noon.  By doing few things, doing them slowly, I have managed to, possibly, salvage my day schedule.  Tomorrow will be a day off.  Monday, it is hoped, I will prep clothes for Mass, figure out times and days, and maybe see about something else.

I am going to start attempting to read a bit more.  I have some books along the lines of practical philosophy, a few books along the myth and monster lines, and some of faith.  I would also like to, maybe, begin reading the bible a few times a week.  I can't read all that very fast, and it might end up being too much.  Reading glasses would sure help too.  But, for now, I would simply enjoy pushing into reading while backing away from the computer for a while.  The internet doesn't require the same focus.  We'll see.

I did do a load more of laundry.  I'll be putting it into the dryer as I lay down to read, then sleep.  I won't mess with it until tomorrow beyond putting it on fluff in the dryer.  And, tomorrow, I hope to do the last of the dishes and put another load, perhaps two since they are small, through the washer and dryer.  As well, I have another chuck roast thawing.  Perhaps boiling some eggs as well tomorrow?  Or Monday.  Nothing fancy.  Just trying to do a bit and get ready for the week.

Sore, but I'm not quitter.  Dead, mostly, and I just won't quit.  I might break down from time to time.  I'll get back up when I can.  I am excited to be thinking about getting back to church, Mass.  I do miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  Even a small social from time to time.  Rest well, I know I will.  Good night.

Not today.

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As little as I did, it was too much too fast.  My arms are cramping in a minor way, from forearm to shoulder.  My thighs have been exhausted and have a nice little burn going on.  Bending for dishes and laundry, doing too much of this and that, getting out.  This is good.  It will probably get me back on track more quickly.  The thing is, that won't be today.  Not what I had hoped.

I did finish the jackets.  I may put in another load of laundry and run it through.  And I could finish dishes.  But that will be it.  Oh, well, maybe a shower, or a bath.  A soak might really help, if I can push through to it.  Not just sore and cramping, tired.  A nap, in a bit, too, I suppose.  I know.

I will endeavor to get back on track with some things.  Like an old, mostly deaf, even mostly dead dog, a call will at least rouse my attention.  Which in part is why I made great effort to make one of the two meetings this week.  It may not work.  It might.  Maybe for a while, or longer, or shorter.  For me it is not about success as many consider it, it is more about not quitting.  I can't win, but if I keep trying, even if I fail, I can't lose.  And, sometimes, I still do walk through walls... not even always just in a ghostly way.

Yes, remembering when I was younger recently... as seen in various videos...  Not always younger in the way shown.  Many of my group wondered... about good and evil, outside but more inside.  We were looking for heaven, as I suggested, only a path that did not include God, Christ, the Holy Spirit.  I learned long ago, before I was technically grown, certainly before I entertained others with a similar quest, that approaching as a child was the only way.  That part, with God not just a part of the equation but pretty much the whole of the path, remains the same.  Others tried, but could not become a child for their lust.  And, while I sinned with many women, I was sinning with curious hopeful eyes, not simple lust.  Still, that was a failure because that wasn't enough.  I have been looking for the truth for a very long time.  My fear of it was greater, in the end, than my want.  Truth had to reach out to me, then slowly reel me in.

Heaven is beside me, hell within.  But that isn't, as I had presumed for so long, the end.  Nor is the answer.  It is merely a moment.  To the Timeless One, a moment can even not be.  Just... not quite yet.  Duties to perform.  The hope is to not get lost in the duties that require the hell within.  Though, too... hell within might not be quite as it seems.  It may be a perspective of hard things from the eyes of a child who is focused only on heaven, missing some of what is required.  If you believed Jesus was Christ, and watched Him be scourged then crucified and die, you just might get lost in the hell of that so as to surrender to the state of flesh which could seemingly end God.  Or you might well see past that.  So it is with the hell within, perhaps... it is hoped.

Later.