Nice!

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First thing I do these days, is look out a window.  It isn't even about if new snow has fallen, but how much.  I resigned to the notion, just like to prep body and mind as I wake by knowing, possibly, what I face.  The snow yesterday, I thought, wasn't deep and was fresh, so it looked easy.  It ended up being the absolutely most difficult of the shoveling I have done, none of it being easy though.  Ice sticking to the pavement, regular snow removal, working in rain a bit, ugly.  So, today, I was hoping for just snow.  Even three inches isn't too back, as long as there is no ice.  As warm as it has been lately, if ice isn't there right away, best to remove it quickly or ice will form under the pack.

However, this morning, when I looked?  No snow.  Or, not yet.  The salt has been useful, though has thinned greatly by being useful.  So... I will, sometime today, add a bit more salt in those important, high-use areas.  I like to keep people safe.  Slipping can really bust someone up, and there isn't anything the pedestrian can do about it.  I try to minimize salt use, for a number of reasons.  But if it comes right down to keep my vehicle or people safe, salt will be used.  Ah, but the sight of a clear driveway was a grand thing.  I am still mush.  Probably will be for another day or two.

I am not sure if I am going to get to town today.  If it was a simple choice, I would.  I may be a bit to mushy to shop.  Though I might be able to pull it off.  If it doesn't snow by afternoon.  If I can squeeze a shower in.  If I simply can, and then want to push as well.  I know I can, I am simply not sure, in full, that the price, today, is worth the cost.  The cold isn't even a bother, just raw main energy use.

On to some tea.  Good morning, day.

When I break through...

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You would think I would see stars.  Which, yeah, okay.  Some.  But, no.  Neither stars nor black nor pain.  When I break through breaking through several other layers, I see why.  She, her, call her what you will.  Not one, never yet, but maybe.  When I break through I realize that is what I need to do to be able to make a jab at possession.  She will be difficult, even... perhaps especially... if she is on  my... or our... side.  Oh, I'm sure, great physical strength is good for sex too.  But that isn't all or even most of it.  Besides, that part I can still do standing on my hands.  Crazy, I know.  Didn't say I was similar to most, didn't say it makes sense.  Anyway, after brutalizing my bod for the last few days, in a way even a health man would fear and have trouble doing, she is on my mind.

Nothing but mush.

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Not the drive.  I actually did a really good job of that.  Though it is raining, now.  Seems better than snow, if it can drain off, though it may just be more and more trouble.  It will, before long, if it continues, wash the salt off again, for sure.  No, I am mush.  I can't squeeze my biceps into much.  First, it hurts a bit.  Second, the best I can muster through that is a ball of clay.  There is some meat there, from simple size, but not much else.

The lower back was murder, about half way through the job.  I worked through the pain and it just went away.  My legs are like my biceps... mush.  Now, it's not like I can't do more.  I have hit the icy patches several times since, brought the trash bin back close to the house too.  And I hope to get a shower in, then maybe do some laundry.  But I am not going to push it, or even promise those things.  I could do a lot more, but I would fade quickly.  If I can figure things out, I think I can do much better in time.  I am not sure I can.  I am sure I want to, for fun such as camping, hiking, and snowshoeing... for work, just stuff around, in, and out of the cave... and because.  Who wants to be a cripple?  I sure don't.  Rather work hard, and have the health for it, than fail.  Up to a point, of course.

In my prayers, I have been thanking God.  Both for the snow and the gumption to go to it.  I am well pleased to do.  I offer these things to His glory, really.  They are His, not mine.  I'm just pleased to be able to do the work.  I am certain it pleases Him.  If nothing else it means I keep at it, beyond even my realistic means.  I suspect, as much as I have overdone overdoing, He has probably been right there with me.  Not that I won't keel over, I just won't do so alone.  *grins*  Later.

Wow. That was a lot of work.

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It wasn't the deepest snow, but it was the heaviest by far.  Wet.  As if two inches of rain had fallen, then three inches of snow had topped it.  Worse, the bottom layers were beginning to freeze.  Even though it had been completely cleared and salted yesterday!  Some ran off, but much stayed.  Brutal.

My first idea was to do all the work necessary to get it all up in one go.  Whoa!  That worked like firing a shotgun with the barrel in the wrong direction.  I would know, too.  Yes, Precious, Doom has done some... interesting things in and with his life.  As with the shotgun, no blood no foul.  An immediate change of strategy was required.  Did I mention it was brutal?

So, I went with getting the bulk of wet, unfrozen, snow off first.  That was rather beastly of a chore.  But, over time, I did get it.  I then noticed, with the snow/slush gone, the ice underneath was partially thawing.  So... I got to getting that off.  I tried low and slow, then high impact.  Alright, boys and girls, I am no longer capable of true high impact work.  So, back to low and slow.  I hit every piece of that drive three times.  That was as good as I could get it, promises.  Then I laid salt where it would be crucial... for dinner deliver, for me unpacking the Xterra from the store, whatnot.  But not all of the drive.  I think I hit a couple of ice patches that resisted my greatest efforts too.  Oh, and I did it all in one run.  No break, no nap.  Brutal.

Indeed, life is coming back.  I really should be crippled up, crying like a babe, maybe dying.  Not... thinking about what to do next.  Fuck it, I'll take it.  I always thought I had more to do before I was done.  And, for my part, have always been willing if not always able.

Hmm?

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I really thought I would be in rough shape.  I keep expecting, one day, for nothing to work.  Usually, pushing for a few days in a row will rock my world in the worst of ways.  Pain, exhaustion, schedule twists, then everything else can go downhill from that.  Food irregularity or absence, medicine becoming hit and miss, confusion on top of malaise on top of misguided will, and so on.  Often, if I push, it can all collapse all at once.  Though, this last later winter into early spring, I did go for months at a high pace... until I dropped for about six months.  I don't think it had anything to do with working hard, I had made it past that point.  (Uhrm, when I say working hard, I mean that within my paradigm... a comparative thing.)  I am almost hitting that here and now.  Perhaps I am well enough to go in longer, healthier, shifts.  No guarantees.  I can drop like a rock in a bucket, even when doing well.  I'll just get back up sooner than not.

A bit more snow, but just a spit.  I think the broom should work on that.  And more salting... Whatever happened the other day, it seems to have eaten the salt.  It just isn't keeping the ice away as it usually does.  Well, snow sweeping, then trash and maybe recycling out, then a shower.  I'll see after that.  Hmm... I best get going.  Actually it's probably too late for recycling, so I will focus on trash.

Sleep has been good.  I keep dreaming of the two main sorts of man... or manlike beings.  Man, of course, most know.  Fallen, failed, but with hope.  Just as with man's war with tyranny, man will only lose that fight when he chooses to do so.  And, if prophecy is true, he will.  Today?  Tomorrow?  In a thousand years?  That depends on the heart of each man, then totaled.  It has happened many times, in smaller ways.  It just hasn't happened the final, and total, way... or irrecoverably.  The other sort of man is nephelim.  He is real, he is here.  As a general rule he only hates those with the mark of Cain more than man.  If these are true because, as a very regular general rule, he can't seem to know God.  Know of?  Heard about?  Felt the lash?  Sure.

As I mentioned, I read the bible before I was 10.  Before the Navy, I read it... three more times probably (New Testament).  Since I have read it twice more, plus the Old Testament three times, to catch up a bit.  You know I had to be looking for something.  I knew, to my mind, something was in there.  I also looked in various churches.  Why look so diligently if... there wasn't something... a hope, a belief that hadn't quite taken root, something.  It wasn't until I was early midlife, and by then mostly dead, that something started calling.  Even then it was so... difficult to hear.  Even having to be rested, even in a mostly quiet life, even nearly dead, my nature resisted that call.  It took fifteen years to finally be sure I heard, then having to fight the notion, argue it, challenge God and have Him win.  Even then it took another three years to thrash through all of the paperwork.  Like or not, the Catholic church is not big on invitations.

Oh, don't get me wrong, they are happy enough if you decide to join.  But to become Catholic takes some serious effort, especially for someone in my condition.  It was really up to me.  They would offer the time and place and education, which is a lot.  But it takes... six months?  A year?  Can't remember.  It takes a while, with extra meetings each Sunday, and perhaps other things.  Mostly for someone coming back or the prospective wife or husband hoping to do things right.  Anyway...  It was a brutal battle to find God, to hear Him.  You just have no idea.  Even mostly dead and I fought Him tooth and nail.  Still not sure if He calls all my kind or if just a few of us.  Like marriage, Christianity, of the true kind, is a...  TRAP!  Then again, those are the price for a family and a good eternal life.  Some traps are better than others.

Anyway... the dreams...  In them I see how strange they both are, see with true vision.  So pale, those giants and other of the nephilim.  So cold, intelligently animal, brutal, and yet compassionate to their own... in a very limited play.  Some suggest they should only love and care for their own.  And, up to a point, within their limitations to a degree, that is true.  However, if you stop there, you will be no better than animals.  Even if that is simply tribal?  Yes.  If you limit your compassion to just your own, even just allies at times... animal.  Nephilim, unless they can hear God, and most can't, are extremely worldly creatures.  With spirit, that is what allows them to stay and return.  But without soul.  A dark people doomed to die when the age of flesh is done, for flesh will be burned away and there will be no place for spirits to rise.

Whether man does it with bombs, or the universe does it with a super nova, or this star just ages beyond it's use then becomes a giant, life will end.  Life is an anomaly.  It isn't natural, at all.  It shouldn't exist.  I believe I have heard that the universe isn't so much good or evil, that is a thing of certain aspects of life.  No, the universe is the great balancer, equalizer.  It wants things to balance out.  Since life is unnatural, the universe tends to look for a way to remove this, in a secular sense, sin that is life.  And, one day, it will.  I do not believe, no matter what science has produced so far, that life is natural at all.  Funny thing to note, those who study nature... whether biology or physics... seem to believe there is too much life.  It's more than a study, these days.  It's a partial religion of death, academia that is.  So smart they wish to undo life, even that of their own.  Worse than animals, I guess.

Hrmm?  I don't know.  Blathering as I wake.  Not even sure what I wrote.  I need to get the trash out, and perhaps do some sweeping and salting while I am at it.  Later.

Finally.

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Like it or not, I did get back out.  I shoveled the last of the snow, then salted a couple of areas which I and others use regularly.  The sun was out today, or close.  I think the weather has broken.  I took a shower before getting out.  I wasn't sure I would be up to taking a shower after I finished.  A brutal set of days.  Lots of shoveling, lots of work, too much snow.  I am hoping things taper off soon.  Still, I know now, sometimes, I can work right through troubles.

Trash and maybe recycling need to go out tonight.  And I'd like to at least get my clothing back to the laundry room.  If I am doing okay, I might run one load.  Or not.  Dishes need to be done as well.  I've been spot hitting the bathroom.  The floor needs swept and mopped.  I'll see what I can do.  Tuesday, I believe, is the day I would like to get out.  I'll probably take two pair of slacks to the dry cleaner that day, and do minor grocery shopping.

This week, generally, is being used for housework.  I'll push a bit.  Though I've probably really overdone.  Still, a bit of work, here and there, might be okay.  I am doing well for having really overdone.  Tomorrow is definitely a down day.  Tuesday... maybe, if I still hope to get out that day.  All good, boys and girls.  Either I am peculiar, as regards health, or I just, medically, walked on water.  :p  Later.

More snow.

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Not too much more.  As I mentioned in a comment, while out grilling steak last night, at about 23:00, I noticed more down.  So... I shoveled six to seven feet out from the drive, just, hopefully, to give myself a good start today.  I then ate, goofed until I could come down, and then went to bed a bit before 4:00.  Just could not go down.  Upon waking at around noon, I looked out while passing that way.  No more snow on top of what arrived before midnight.  But it's enough.  Yes, when I get my life together a bit, and a shower and dry time, I'll be back out there.  I'm doing amazingly well for a dead guy.  *grins*

A bit stiff in the lower back, of course.  My muscles are actually in better shape than they were, not as stiff and sore.  All else is pretty good.  I'll keep at it, I suppose.  The love of work has waned just a wee, but the ability and will to it remains just as strong.  Yeah, life ain't bad.

Later.

Yes indeed.

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Now, being the time of day it was, I had some suspicion that I might get the snow removed before help arrived.  What I did not take into account was that it is a weekend.  Normally helpers would be otherwise occupied at that time.  So, I was rather surprised to see help had arrived.  Though, too, I must admit that I was happy.  I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do the whole thing, myself, again.  I had full intention of doing as much as I could.  And maybe, through time, I would have gotten it.  I was quite pleased with help.  I really needed it this time.  A good run mind you, but over my head.  Ah, and we measured.  There is a width along the road, as wide as my driveway, but that isn't paved.  The paved part is actually 30 yards, which is what I suggested to them.  And, right on the dot.  Plus another ten feet of gravel along the road, which, if I can, I clear another 90 feet along.  I often said 40 feet or 50 feet, here, but trying to... not brag or exaggerate.  I really did think it was 30 yards though... 90 feet.  It is, and now I know.

I tried to use the snowblower on some of that extra length, but it died.  I'll let it sit for a bit.  I'll check the oil before I go to town next time.  But, when it died, I sort of did too.  I am done with shoveling, sweeping, and machining for a while.  Still, hopefully, I will get out Monday or Tuesday.  There are a few minor items I wish to buy, some grocery shopping, and a few slacks to the dry cleaners.  I know, I keep trying to get my Sunday-go-to-meeting wear set up, and I will.  So much to do, so little time I can actually functionally use.  I'll get there.

Later, or good night.  A spot of food, first, though, for sure.  Steak!?!  I think I have some thawed.  Yum!  Still, whether I'll post again is a whole other issue.  Be well in either case.

I think I can.

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I really do.  No, I'm not in the best of shape.  My lower back is a bit tight and sore.  My arm and leg muscles are a bit tight and queasy.  And yet I am not completely out of the running.  How much I can do at a time, or altogether, time will tell.  I think, if it doesn't snow on top of my efforts, I might be able to get the whole thing.  And, one way or another, I very likely will get it all done, if not hitting it twice if it snows more.  I will only be able to get ahead if this is it, for snow, for now.  If not I will at least get the old off.  And since I do it in shifts, I might have all of it off some areas... at least by the time I finish.  Winter can be harsh, innit?  Not bad for a gimp, either.

Gaming goes on.  For not great particular reason, I am attempting to level this tune rather highly.  That is what makes pve (player versus environment... as opposed to pvp, or player versus player) much easier.  The problem with high level pvp is that most players don't want to, and perhaps can't, play pve well enough to level that high.  Most pvp players are in it merely for the stupid attacks on other players, which means many of of just skip social to avoid pvp hacks.  Not interested.  Though it would be nice to be able to play online without the risk of invasion, for cooperative attacks on in-game bosses, and reading messages.  As I see it, pvp ruins this, and many other games.  It is the attempt to make us all borg.  Not interested.

In any case, I am doing well in the game.  I think there is still a boss or two I skipped earlier, because they were beyond my skills.  Bosses I need to find then take down.  The game is interesting, in that you can skip many boss fights.  The ones you can't skip, you can level to beat.  The ones you can skip, by the time you first meet them, you may well not have a good chance of leveling to beat.  Some idiots tell you to just do it, in spite of their obvious failures to do so well or easily.  I have found a better path, and learned when to ignore the advice of idiots.

Well, on to snow removal.  Should be interesting.  I am hoping, though this takes me down for a bit, it opens up the opportunity for me to get out snowshoeing and winter camping.  I'm hoping this will help me get back into shape.  And it just might.  Later.

Not too much more snow.

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But enough.  And, with some on top of other, after this and that.  I did removed the larger chunks, from each side.  And yet an inch or two more down after one side was cleaned, then an inch or two on the other side.  Only the sidewalk had just a bit more, the least.  If I can, I will get back out there.  I will probably use the snowblower, at least on the heavier parts.

Sore?  Tired?  A bit.  Nothing to write home about, if nothing to sneeze at.

I would sure enjoy a shower, before anything else.  Then, perhaps, after a few or more hours of waking, get back to it if I can.  It seems I have been doing enough work to have... opened up the opportunity for more work, or less pain from work.  If I can continue I will.  If I could just keep that ability to work up I could do a lot more in life.  Some of my failure is physical, when the heart is really bad or not doing enough in a particular area (like not feeding muscles due to the demand by vital organs), or when those organs aren't in the queue and are complaining.  Some of it is more mental... can't focus, remember, use mental or spiritual drive because that side is asleep.  Still, I am quite sure, if I can bump up physical, I can live a much better and easier life.  I love the work.  I still think a wife might help here.  Especially if she learns how and when to push.  Which she might well wish to do, and not even for my purposes.  She can use me to craft her world more exactly.  It behooves a woman to learn to use the massive capacity in this old Cold War relic.

Oh well.

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It seemed to have quit snowing, last time I was out working.  Perhaps it was just very light, not visible as it had grown dark.  Though headlights and porch lights should have shown.  After this last break, it appears to have snowed another inch or two.  I realized upon seeing that, I could not keep up.  Still, I did a path along the walk to get the shovel which was near the sidewalk area.  Since that hadn't been hit, I hit that area.  Now nothing is completely piled up.  I just feel a bit better.  Then I came back to near the garage and cleared ten feet out from the garage and the back porch area, then simply put the snowblower away.  No reason to bug the neighbors when it's just continuing to snow.  Can I get back out tomorrow?  I don't know.  I'm not sure I will be able to get out of bed, or more than stumble to a seat before the tv/console game.  Probably for days.  Though, who knows.

I won't be sleeping really early, but I might make it to bed by, perhaps before, 2:00.  If I had done another half hour to hour shift though, I would have been awake much of the night.  Sometimes it's the opposite, usually I can tell, not always on anything though.  Probability.

I will have to come down a bit.  An hour or two gaming, then on to sleep, if I was a betting man.  Got to give it to me, for my health, this was good.  Very good.  If it doesn't end up killing me.  :p  Good night.

Definitely.

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During my break... another inch.  Not to be dismayed, I got back to it.  Being only an inch, I thought shoveling would work better.  And, well, it did.  Until I completely ran out of energy for that.  I pulled the snowblower back out.  Not the best, with so little and so dry of a snow.  But it is working.  I am, perhaps, more than half way finished.  And it has stopped snowing.  I might get ahead.  Though if this is the way weather will play, I may be soon to fall behind.  On the good side, if anyone decides to help out they won't have the old old, old, and new.  That's four or five inches.

I am cooking, red hot, burning.  That is a whole heck of a lot of work.  I'll have to take (another) good long nap, then hit it in an hour or so.  I want it done, tonight.  I hope the sound doesn't bother any too much, but I don't have a choice.  I know, tomorrow, I will be good to simply be getting out of bed.  And, for a week, it will be much the same.  I wasn't even fully recovered from my last stints.  Yeah, tonight or never.  And I need my drive open, in case I need to get out in a few days.  It really is now, or someone else, or never.  Pardon the racket.

I have a sandwich ready.  I made two yesterday, but one was more than more than enough.  So, rather than wasting, I wrapped and reefered it.  I just need to add baby spinach and italian dressing... the gooder, if not absolute best, kind.  Not this break, not right after my next work, but a break after even that.  Yeah, I'll be up late.  When I push it, going down is either unavoidable or impossible.  I can tell already, I won't be down until... 2:00? 4:00?  Maybe later.

Later.

Snow.

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I wouldn't have been able to get out today anyway.  Sure, you can drive right over it.  Then you end up slightly freeze locked the rest of the winter, or until a good thaw comes along.  So...  I wouldn't have gotten out anyway.  And, earlier, I couldn't have shoveled or else.  Too tired.  Though I kept hoping for an opportunity.  It did arrive.  Shoveling was out.  But I was able to get the snow blower going.  Sure was noisy starting up.  Once it got going it was fine.  After the machine tossed most of the snow, I have started to sweep what remains.  I have, perhaps, have the drive finished.  Then I'll need to do the short piece of sidewalk, if I will probably shovel that.  And, then, finally, I'll lay some salt.  Can't have folks slipping.  If it stays good tomorrow, I would like to take a shovel to weeds in the drive.  They came up through the cracks.  Now they are frozen in place.  Bleh.

This will wear me out.  So be it.  I probably need to be worn out more, on top of where I was.  It'll mean a couple of more days down.  If more snow arrives, I'll try for that too.  I do like to work, when I can.  While some men with bad hearts really can't work, and I can't always, when I can I really can... for my health.  It's probably actually good for me.  I'm not good at keeping the cave up, just not genetically predisposed, I suppose.  But I was a worker, and a hard worker, until the main timer went down.  The will is still there, and sometimes the way.

A bit of gaming, then back to it.  Later.

Not recovered.

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For the last three weeks, I have gotten out twice in a row each week, then maybe, on one or two of those weeks, another day out.  It was a push, to break out of what had been a bit of a lock up, or down, depending on how you see things.  That lock down had been in play since the start of summer, mostly.  Sure, I had things to do.  Yes, my new friend had made requests.  But I always have things to do, if not always requests.  I had hoped to be better, recovered, today.  I am not.  The lungs are a bit sore, if also they feel as if the bit of work and activity has cleared... something... out.  Tired but clear, the lungs.  A bit of a switch.  I just wish I could work well enough to get them in shape, while keeping them clear and thus not tired.  My body, my muscles, are all just a bit sore.  I suspect, using them a little, they simply aren't getting enough blood flow to repair from the simple use.  No headaches, of muscle or other natures.  Only organ pains a day or two in this episode.  A general malaise, however.  Though that might be as much winter as a worn out body.  Though I can tell I am worn.  I need more days down.  No real choice.  Though, perhaps, I can get to a few things here in the man cave.  Or not.  Bleh.  I will aim at some work though, mind you.

I have been dreaming.  Bright, strong, interesting dreams, too, if I can't keep them in memory.  And sleep has been good, if I have been having to keep the door open to allow heat in, which also brings the cats in, which can disturb sleep.  At least I have been sleeping well, if a bit short, often at six to seven hours.  And I need to go to bed earlier.  Gah!  How to force these things, I do not know.  Even when I worked, sleep and wake were crazy.  They would manually reset, but just as now, only through great pains.  Back then I was well enough to swing a double double shift and force a reset.  Now, not so much.

I'll keep at it.  Good day.

Just fiddling.

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I never really know.  Although, from time to time, I suspect.

Rough.

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I'm glad I stuck with two bottles of beer.  I don't think that was the problem if I am sure more would not have helped.  A bit of a fever last night, upset stomach, headache, and just ugly parts of some of the night.  I tended myself as well as I could.  Some of it just, there was no way to treat it.  It was, thankfully, mostly mild.  I have simply done too much over the last few weeks, after being down for a while... down for too long really.  All good.  I'll pay the price and keep up as I may.

It is a pretty morning.  We have been getting sun more lately.  Today is an iffy one, as regards sun.  Though it is a bit brighter, not so heavily overcast, here first thing.  It is another day of rest.  Though it would be good to get a shower in, maybe shave, perhaps do some laundry and/or dishes and/or work in the kitchen.  But just little bits.  I really can't push too much.  Not yet.  A bit, though, is always good.

I'll do what I can.  Pray, for you and me, even if you should not like me.  *cough*  Seriously, though.  I really don't mind.  And if I don't like you, though truly I can't think of any I don't like, even those of you who don't like me... but even so... I would pray for you more, and the right kind.  I figure if someone doesn't like me, they probably have a problem, because I don't hold grudges, mostly.  And those very few that I hold, or in which my opponent refuses to see their errors, I turn it over to God for some time in their future.  Ask, whether I am here or not, and should I know about it, know that it has been turned over to God for remediation.  Easier to work with me, though God knows my will, if He also knows our faults.  Don't try to sneak one by.  *wink*

Later.

Well, no beer.

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Until things get straightened around, no beer.  And I am trying to, if not very well, watch what I eat in an attempt to get back in shape.  It might or might not help.  Oh, and I finally purchased the sugar substitute the wife of my deacon suggested.  Took long enough.  Yeah, no, it isn't just doing things they know about that can take a long time.  While I have been getting out twice a week lately, I have so many things I need to do in that time that... well... I still haven't arranged for Sunday clothing, I haven't quite gotten an oil change or cleaning in... if money played a part.  The kitchen, and rest of the cave really, languishes.  I do what I can.

Still, no beer.  Or, no large amount.  I have a couple of beers at a time, once or twice a week.  At my size, it doesn't offer a buzz.  But that isn't why it is consumed.  I simply like having a change of pace, something different to drink from time to time.  I sure would like to drink to Lemmy.  Hmm, perhaps a couple of beers would do.

I am still pretty wiped.  The nap didn't seem to help all that much.  It was simply required.  I was a bit worried that it was too late, and a nap would mess things up.  I didn't, for one thing, have a choice.  Down I went.  It looks like that won't be an issue.  While it is 22:00 and change, which is later than what I would like, it isn't too far off.  And with today being a day of rest there is hope I won't need extra sleep tonight.

I might be up against it, in many ways.  And yet, oddly, I often seem to figure out how to get on through.  Even when the woman doing my billing at the hospital has a grudge.  *grins*  Yeah, I know.  She must be the one, some time back, who was riding my bumper, then when I forced her to pass she drove really slow, then had other problems.  Yep, I... didn't see her well enough, but I get a sense of things.  Now I know.  Funny thing is, unlike her, I really don't care.  She can't mess up my day... even if she shot me to death.  You just can't win against some things, if that is what you are aiming at.  The best way would be to be better, but many people simply don't have that in them.  Yeah... I realized it after my first visit it, had it, mostly, confirmed on this visit.

Good night.

A favored bard has died.

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Bowie?  Fu u!  No, a bard for my type.  Lemmy Kilmister.  And, now, the fake part isn't the part you'd think was fake.  Born Ian Fraser Kilmister.  The lead singer of Motorhead.  A band I, when they dropped, was weened upon.

A few of my favored, to give you an idea.  Yeah, you probably didn't hear of him.  And yet you think of yourself as cultured having heard of Bowie?  Psha!  Yeah, these songs mean a great deal to me, personally.  The first was just the way it often was.  The second as I was figuring my way through and beyond the first.  Many people really don't care, as long as their bread is buttered, their linens are fresh, and their meal is hot and on time.  Nor, as I have come to understand, can or should they.  What, exactly, about sacrifice, do some people, including myself at one time, not understand.  Even if it isn't for an exact man or woman, sacrifice is real, and about ideals, even if it seems, at times, to only be for your brothers to the left and right of you.

Tiring, for a day of rest.

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Oh, but at least it makes me chuckle.  I do my best, kiddies.  I push and pull.  I knew today would be half a day and less.  I've spent all my fuel cells and then some.  While I am about to crash for a short nap, I have actually done more, gaming, than I thought I would.  I also wondered about in-game survival.  Reflexes, concentration, focus, and physical agility using the controller to react to those other things, when I am really tired, can be problematic.  As it turns out, I downed two or three new bosses without a death.  I have died a few times, but... that IS Dark Souls 2.  You WILL die.  How often, to a degree, is up to you, your skills, and a bit of luck.  All I am saying is I have done much better than I thought I would... in game.  In life, otherwise, it's about what I expected.  I didn't think I'd need a nap, but I should have realized it.  Or at least the potential.

Tomorrow, as well, will be a slow day.  Then, I am hoping, out Friday.  Maybe early, too.  I'll see if my friend wishes to go.  Dang kids!  It's good to be getting out, to have someone to run with, and all.  I'll always miss my friend who died.  But he wouldn't want me to just sit around and then die.  He was both of our friend.  Anyway, Friday then I might take two weeks off from the outside world and attempt to get the kitchen in order, then the living room.  No promises, but that is the plan.  If I can get things up to some sort of specs, I'll have my friend visit and make a meal here.  Let him do a bit of shopping on the way, but split it or pay whole, makes no difference to me.  We'll see.

Nap time, now.  Later.

Good boy.

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I really have been good.  I've been pushing to get and take medicine, I rescheduled with my doc once I got medicine going, I am back on right doses.  I have been out taking care of business, moving things around, setting live back up.  I had my tires rotated, oil change and cleaning are planned for next month.  Money, while not too tight... I just prefer to wait for those expenses.  I have been doing as well as I can.  Eating, shopping, taking care of other things.  Which is why I haven't been blogging so much.  It is taking everything I've got to catch back up.

Between this and that I have been gaming and sleeping.  Who would think that someone in my condition can, after a rough start albeit, end up being able to pretty much plunder a game like Dark Souls 2.  There is still a boss or two who gives me troubles, or a surprise that catches me off guard.  And yet I am ripping things up in game fairly well.  And the game has been eating up all the sitting time I end up requiring from being out and about two days in a row, shopping, visiting my friend, and taking care of business.

I have a day or two down.  Two days in a row really beats me up, at least until I get back in some kind of shape, and when health is good and while that lasts.  I have actually been enjoying the cold though, which is good.  Still taking care of too many things to mess with snowshoes, but the idea is still there.  I really am hoping to go camping, a few times anyway, in the winter.  Nothing fancy, not clear across the high country.  Just a few days out and in and back, if I can.

Back to resting through gaming.  Later.

Sweetelydo... or don't?

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Just being jazzy on the swing around.  Sleep to wake, fully recovered.  It isn't even that shoveling snow should be all that bad... if I could keep up with life in general.  It's just that, when I haven't done anything for months, THEN almost any work is half murder.  But shoveling a 10' x 40' x 3", plus a bit of sidewalk, plus part of a perpendicular run...  Well, that's a bit of work on any day, quadruple the load after being mothballed for six months.  And, yet, I did it and enjoyed it, mostly.  I also recovered fairly quickly.

I suppose a quick recovery, a good sleep, and being back on a day schedule all adds to putting a little extra kick in my limp this morning.  Oh, and tea is ready!  I've had tea for the last few days as my primary liquid.  Adding honey sometimes, and other sweeteners at different times.  Gotta mix it up.

My mother did call me back yesterday.  It seems she was helping a friend, one of her lady friends.  She had broken an ankle, and they were either going to leave her in the hospital, then send her to a nursing home, or as it ended up take her home for just over the weekend and then decide what to do.  It is a lot of work having to do complete care.  The woman doesn't want to go to a nursing home, but the family decided otherwise.  At least until/unless she regains strength and heals.  She is a headstrong woman, something she might rue as she easily passed it to her children.  *grins*  The woman has coming through a lot, so I am hoping she does end up back at home.  But, with all else, it is too much to care for her if she can't do much on her own.  Anyway, for whatever reason, cell phone reception was bad where she was.  At least now I know.  I was actually becoming worried about her.

Sleep was great.  I did dream about a man who asked me if I really intended to ask for the hand of a specific woman.  I asked him how the sun would obtain the moon.  He didn't get what I was after.  I simply suggested that the sun chases the moon day and night but never lays claim.  In a way, I suggested, it is because the moon stays far enough away.  It is that simple.  If she gets close enough, attempts on her hand will be made.  If she chooses not to be more than an idea, a love from afar, all she has to do is keep her distance.  Live is very simple.  Men have their times, where the ball is in their courts.  Women have their time.  And never are they at the same time, by the rules of such reality.  It is, at this time, in this way, in her court.  Though I have made it completely clear that, should she enter my court, I will steal the ball and attempt to score.  *wink*  Have no doubt, if she arrives to play, I will play to win.  The ball is in her court at this moment.  That is all, you may return to quarters.

Well... on to my day.  A shower, shave, perhaps some fussing, feeding the cat, then gaming until I decide what else to do.  Later.

Okay, yeah, sure.

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I asked a question.  I believe I got an answer.  Do I present that way?  Maybe not exactly, but very plausibly within what is real and among the reals themselves.  Both songs could easily be seen as who I really am or could be or have been... to some varying degrees.  In the first, yeah... it's there.  In the second, should I find a nubile wife, definitely.  And, at times, I can resemble some of the rougher states of those shown.  Resemblance, perhaps of kin like ways.  Perhaps just in certitude, though I think more.  I think, sometimes, when people read here, they think it's just... stuff, writings, stories.  When they meet me and... something clicks?  It can hurt.  The way many truths hurt.  Whether about me, or simply about reality, is for the... one whose eyes have been opened to know, or choose or understand.  In time it all becomes clear, to great suffering.  Just the way it is.  Disturbing.  Even if they don't agree, they do see that I do believe.  No story, or not so much.

And, I tried to explain this video to them, which is why they went to that post to explain their problem.  Well, and that I don't believe politics is the solution.  Huh?  Nope.  Unless God is your politics.  Politics is only, and ever, and at it's very best, a necessary evil.  It isn't, can't be, and won't be the solution.  But if men are well armed, there is a much reduced incidence of crime, both citizen on citizen and state on citizen.  Anyway, this is the video, and ideas, I expressed.  How to arm the other eleven.  Indeed.

Better.

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While I couldn't do much, the pain has been milder.  It still keeps me immobile.  Though as such I can find comfort.  Some days I feel like pushing it, or have to and can.  Some days, like today and yesterday, I simply did not have an interest or need in pushing through the pain.  Yesterday was more gritting and grinning.  Today was all about not moving.

It seems as if the female missionaries have moved on.  Too bad, but there are so few, it's probably good that they are shared around.  A couple of young men showed up today.  Being a mess, and not being able to describe why...  We had a bit of a discussion, but I think they wanted to just leave.  Not sure what I said.  No worries, if they are looking for work or souls to save, I understand.  They are welcome to visit, or not.  I do look a bit rough, can't blame them.

I don't know about tomorrow.  I'm not sure about the rest of today.  Gaming, mostly, today.  I called my mother.  Reception was poor.  She said she would call back but never did.  So, a bit ago, I called her and gave her some razzleberries.  Nothing too serious, just...  Some days, when it all goes wrong, one gets the sense of being pariah.  Not really, I mean I don't take that all too seriously.  And yet, it rubs.  It's funny being human, or close enough... such delicate egos, emotions, and weather/season can add to it, or perhaps even been mostly the whole of it.  No worries, just fussing today... can't do much else.

Oh, but I'm doing better in the game.  Amazingly better.  Not sure, it is as if a light switch came on and now I see.  I am beating bosses I had trouble with, and new bosses I thought might take me down... ones I had not fought before even, and winning on the first shot.  It sure eats time as I heal.  And while I was shoving my days back into daytime.

Later.

No go for today.

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What started out as a minor twinge in my lower back ended up being a bit more.  Nothing too terrible, just trying to skip through it was not going to work.  If I stayed still, it was easy.  If I moved, straight lines were best and less enjoyable.  If I did anything for any sort of time, my body vetoed the effort quickly and unforgivingly.  No worries, I thought that might be the case.  A day or three down may end up being necessary.  Though I am going to make an attempt at an end play and get some things done on the slow and sly.

I am about done for the day as well.  I can't remember when I woke.  Perhaps 3:00, maybe 6:00, I just don't know.  I am done now.  It was definitely worth being able to get the snow removed.  It really is good to work, when I can.  My friend suggested that many men with bad hearts end their lives shoveling.  I didn't say this then, but the notion is pretty much how I feel on the subject.  If I start closing down my life to tend something, I might as well just end my life.  Yeah, there are limits.  And there are things that are more, or less, advisable.  And, yet, if I can't live, I am already truly dead.  Which I am not.  Mostly.

Good night.

I did survive my youth.

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Oh, and yeah, it was... odder.  Where do you think these stories derive?  Anyway...  While I'm not quite on some beach, on some island, with some bimbos... I could be should I wish it.  I suspect that men to end up there, if they ever finally do come to even more of a spot of wisdom, will find something more like what I have.  Oh?  Yeah.

Dreams fade when they are painted on the world.

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Yes, dreams too.  Haunted by events of the near future.  Burning shadows with the fires of truth, repentance, righteousness.  Giving even of life, if necessary.  I am not alone if there are others much closer to the line, of flesh.

As I head into dreams...

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Just some thoughts.  Something out there.  Something... telling, warning, remembering... forgetting.

I did get out.

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It was more than I probably should have done.  Just shoveling was enough for the day, really.  Thirty five to forty feet, four inches deep at least.  Wait, actually I did a measure, with my index finger, let me measure... okay... three inches and small change, actually.  Still, that is a lot of work.  It did wear me out, no doubt.  And it took three different runs at it to get the last of it.  Plus I went out and salted (which really helped with the temps above freezing for the last few days).  My back is a bit sore, I know I will sleep well, but I didn't stop there.

I called my friend.  If he could help me get going on my vehicle, I would be in, and take him to a shop there in town.  We talked quite a bit, then took care of the Xterra, then headed to the bakery coffee shop.  He knew of the place, but thought it had closed.  It had closed, but opened recently under new management... or such.  Tea and sweets, for all the efforts.  But he paid.  I also picked up a loaf of bread.  True professional bakery stuff.  It's called the Crumb Brothers, I do believe.  A very good place to stop in, take a friend, for coffee or tea.  I'm not sure if they do meals, but I would like to try various offerings.  The bread, by the way, is fantastic.  The treats were very good.  I just like to have a number of places I can call home, of sorts.

After that we went shopping.  When one or both of us aren't too sick we might end up getting into all sorts of the right kind of trouble.  I need the same sort of help he needs, and I can help on some of the things he likes to do.  Both of us are considered, and are, too slow for many regular groups.  For hiking, or camping, we just don't fit.  However, we can both survive just fine.  Just don't push or prod.  I can drive, I just don't have the... gumption?... yeah... gumption to get out, on my own.  He may have the gumption, but can't really handle some of the rest of it.  Oh, and he had considered Burning Man.  I think that would be a bit much.  The heat alone.  But the crowding, getting around... nah.  However, there are local burns.  I'd like to see him visit one of those.  Just to see.  I think he would be surprised at how personable many of the people are.  Rude, sometimes, kindly sometimes, but fairly real people.  Not a bucket list thing, just... a thing.  Not a bad one.  And I messed up last time, if for the right reasons.  With someone else there I would have to learn to... deal with the situation.  I'm telling you, she had it all in the right places and ways.  And I think she had an eye game going on.  She wasn't sure, she wanted me to be, and I was becoming sure.  Anyway...  I'll have to figure it out more honestly next time.

Burned out.  I will sleep well.  A shower in the morning, and I may head back in, to get an oil change and a tire rotation.  Or Monday, if I can't.  I also need to get back to working on getting Sunday go to meeting clothing ready.  Bleh.  Later... Or, good night actually.  Sleep well, I will.

Today or not.

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I am finally well enough into the day schedule, that I considered escaping into town.  A bit of shopping.  Perhaps a meal.  Maybe a visit.  When I went to bed last night, or the night before?  I thought someone had been by.  I crashed so hard, it was the day I stayed up until 19:30 (I think).  Yes, that was several days ago.  Yesterday I only stayed awake until 15:00.  Anyway, I checked, and, yep, someone, two someones, had been by.  I only noticed one set of prints, but in my dream state of near-wakefulness, I heard two voices.  Don't know what they wanted, but it's all good.  There was no way I could have waken.  I had pushed, that day, like a mule.

So, today, getting out?  Ah, right, but what allowed me to know that someone had visited was tracks.  Which... aren't a problem.  It was what the tracks were in that was the problem.  Snow.  I saw some of it coming down, but it didn't seem to be all that much... deep.  I'll bet that was four to five inches.  Not extremely wet, but not pure fluff either.  Yeah...  So, I got on it.  My drive is clear, but that did bust me up just a bit.  I still like working, when I can.  After I finished, I salted a few nasty patches.

I then called my friend.  He has been calling me, and missing.  I don't know if I simply haven't heard the phone.  While I keep it near, it is still easy for me to miss.  Either that or I have been asleep when he calls.  I'd like to go visit.  Make a meal over there.  I may have to take a pot or pan, depending.  Like I said, if I am going to be there for a long time, I might as well make a decent meal.  Roast beef, potatoes, and rutabaga is my plan.  And an offer he can't refuse.  If he helps me get my vehicle ready for a professional cleaning, oil change, and tire rotation, I'll get him over to the steak house.  It's been a while since I have been there.  I can't quite see to getting all the work myself.  But with two cripples, and incentive, perhaps I can get the Xterra tended.  Plus get a meal out.  Either way, I will get the Xterra work done, soon.

Oh, and since I was feeling a bit fancy, I made it to the post office today.  Just... because.  I was awake, the drive was clear, and I felt like it.  I like to do the little, and big, things of life.  I do.  I love it when I can.  Annoying?  Sure, sometimes.  But, too, a part of life.  I have cheated death so harshly, but death has cheated me greatly too.  So I enjoy even the prices, costs, of life, when I can.  Later.

It's either a train or the sun.

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I seem to be approaching the light at good speed.  I was awake until 17:30(ish) last night, the latest I have been up in a long time.  Or was it 19:30(ish)?  Yeah, I think it was the last.  As I recall, I set the alarm for 5:00, after rounding up, adding eight hours for sleep, then tossing in another for good measure, using the alarm, it was hoped, as a backstop, not a primary means of waking.  Huh?  Yeah.  I ended up waking at 1:00 or 2:00?  Maybe 3:00?  To be expected when I make a huge jump in my schedule.  I think the latest I have stayed up, beside that, was 15:00 yesterday, but more like 13:00 the last few days before that.  My effort is the same, day to day.  The effects just happen.  I'm honestly not sure all of my effort actually means a damn.  That doesn't mean I'll quit, it's just being honest.  Hey, as the widow who offered her coin, and was praised for having given all she had... so it is with me and my will.  I might not change the world, or even myself.  I will die trying.  And, you know what, like my schedule coming around of late?  Sometimes it does work.

Now, pushing my schedule as I have has left me pretty much busted up.  I won't be doing much else.  I can't, really.  Gaming, to push the hours.  And for something simply to do.  I haven't even been blogging.  There simply hasn't been anything to say.  I haven't even been thinking.  Though I had a wonderful dream about some of my various "brothers".  Men and boys who at one time were kin of one sort or another.  Some of them ended far worse, some of them are far worse and not dead.  I have known some fine men.  Even those who have failed... where good in ways, to a point.  Even the ones who did wrong, start to stop, taught me.  I have lead, trained, learned, followed (to a degree), laughed, and even cried with my companions.  I pray for the living and the dead.  And that they might find forgiveness, as I surely do.

My friend has called, several times by the look of it.  A message has been sent.  I need to get in to town for other things, getting him out would be good too.  I would like to get him to the men's group.  Though I am having great troubles attending myself.  If nothing else, getting in a couple of times a month.  Oh, and perhaps, since he talks all day (not judging, definitely not judging), making a meal when I go in.  I will be ordering ducks to replace those I lost.  And I am going to plan on buying a whole beef this spring.  Then, three months after that, half an hog.  I'll be giving some of the beef out.  It would also be good to feed folk.  He said he owes a woman or two.  If not both at the same time, perhaps having a choice guest to eat with us from time to time might work as well.  Just some thoughts.  Oh, and food pictures... he might be able to help or tinker along with me on that.

I am back, well, on medicine.  I am trying to eat more regularly.  I do slip here, while doing well there, always something.  I'll keep at it.  I'd love to be out in the snow, even once in a while.  Taking pictures, snowshoeing, perhaps even winter camping.  I'll... I'll get there.  Later.  *wink*

Push and shove.

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My days are becoming real days.  It isn't too rough, either.  No great pains, I'm not even seeing minor sufferings.  Medicine is back on track.  I hope to add a bit more in.  Nothing fancy.  Though if I can hit the whole of the kitchen, top to bottom, then go even deeper, clearing even shelves, that would be good.  I may be to that point again, or not.  Of course, getting dress clothes ready to attempt a run at confession and Mass would be good.  Plus, if we get a fresh snow before too long, I would love to try out the snowshoes.  Those I can probably do one way or the other.  I'd like to practice with them, dry, here inside first.  But that isn't absolutely necessary.  I have taken a couple of heavy falls, on iced pavement (one was covered with snow, so easy to miss... the other was a time I was trying to get out and help those who came to help).  Yes, I can handle a full hard fall.  Neither even made me sore later.  *grins*

I do need to check my accounts, make sure everything is good there.  I need to do a bit of shopping, though that will have to wait until tomorrow.  After I finish the corned beef and cabbage, I'd like to make ham.  some to be added in with beans, some to be frozen for other uses.  I've never made scalloped ham... is that is how it is called?  Coin sliced potatoes with cheese sauce and ham.  Oh, well, and some simple ham, which I will probably eat first, splitting portions for those other meals as I go.  If I cook a few sides each week, then a whole large meal once or twice, I can keep in food, for the most part.  Having eggs on hand, and a few other items, makes it all easier... if I could keep up on dishes.

I have shifted my days around.  I am about half way there.  No fast moves, nothing drastic.  I can do that, but not without great pains.  Of course, I know it will slip back, in some amount of time.  I think, in the thirty years I have been mostly dead, the longest I was able to keep to schedule has been since they began treating my heart, and has been three months.  College was brutal.  If I made class, I had to either be on one "shift" or another, or break through my sleep cycle to make it to class while I should have been sleeping.  Those options, of course, and missing class.

Well, on to something.  Mostly gaming.  I has been keeping me awake without wearing me down to much in a physical way.  Sure, it's Dark Souls II, an sob of a game to be sure.  Just as soon as I figure something out, something else comes along that doesn't want to work... or the game just decides it's my turn for a dying streak.  Yes, the game cheats.  Yes, it has flaws.  It, really, is a lot like life.  Or, at least, my life.  And more literal than usual.  Very few people die, let alone multiple times.  Few have, in just about all ways, lived on either side of that line, and so closely, as I have.  Often in more than one way.  That game and much of the music here really is more my story than anything else.  If I had the ability, I would be in Oregon.  While I don't think they will win, not this one, if nothing is done we will all surely lose.  Some will have to be murdered, some will have to go to prison, and bureaucrats will have to be seen as the enemy that they are and then dealt with.  Too steeped on death's door, even in this minor way, to end up on another is all.

Every time...

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In this last month, every time things were looking up they faltered.  On the other hand, every time life was looking to crash, it didn't.  It has been a very slow, mild, middling, but low, roller coaster.  Nothing done but nothing broken.  No great function but no terrible pain(s).  It's 8 F out, and I'd love to be out in it.  I can handle it, if I am not sure I could do much.  And it might wear me down a bit over the line... or not.  I do like the cool, usually.

I still haven't arranged my clothing, or dug into the freezer or kitchen.  But, today, I am going to make a move on those things.  If I can get clothes together, and keep pushing my day further into the real day, I may attempt to make an special appointment for confession, as it might be a month or so before I can be awake during the regular time...  Then, if I can do that, figure out a weekday Mass.  Even just one a week, though with the hope of more.  And, as time rolls around, a high Mass, one on Saturday or Sunday.  Or both.  I also need to arrange some other things, with regards to church and charity.  I know, I know.  God forgive a forgetful lost fool.  The intent really is there, the mechanics and such are often lacking.  Perhaps I can be there on the next high holy, Easter.  And I would like to help out with lent meals.

Pushing?  Yes, but why I have been asked.  I have had many answers to that question, through time.  Now, though, I believe I have the real answer.  Even when it hurts, perhaps especially when it hurts... when it pains me in other ways, as an annoyance, even a grievance... when it would be easier to just quit, to give in, or up, or out... among other things...  That is when holding on, making all effort, continuing... even if those things are just in my mind... that is holding on to life, and the truth, perhaps Truth, of life.  When God chose me, and I chose Him back, I have come to realize, that was a very large part of the package.  Not as a generality, or theory, or even some certainty but without any real costs or price.  Life is holy.  Even mine.  And it must be sought, right through the shadow of death.

Rather than condemn me, join me.  Not for my sake, for yours.  Sad to see so many who have a full whole life who throw it away, abuse it, reject it.  I have every reason, of a worldly nature, to do just those things.  Not only do I not, I literally dance on my grave.  I know, in time, it will be proven false.  I know, even now, what I suffer is just as false... in the whole of Truth.  Yes, join in the rhythm of life.  Later.

I'll keep at it.

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Days and nights are completely topsy-turvey.  It is 8 degrees out there, F not C.  Though, while it snowed more as I returned the other day, and then while I slept, someone, again, hit the driveway.  Awesome!  I am trying to keep up.  It just isn't working well.  The cold isn't getting to me.  It's just... everything and all.

I have been figuring out food, give or take.  I keep forgetting medicine, but the will is there.  The memory, focus, isn't.  Just beat sudoku in 8 seconds though.  That is my new second fastest time.  I have done 5 seconds once, 8 seconds once, 9 seconds probably a score or two of times, then 12 seconds many times.  Though even a 12 second game isn't all that bad.  Even if I have done it a hundred times, I doubt if most people can, ever, play a game that fast.  I'm not sure what that speed puts me in, percentage wise.  Though I am guessing it is in the... nosebleed section.  I'm not sure it is IQ based, but there probably is some sort of neuro-intellect thing going on.  It is both physical and intellectual.

Anyway...  I had hoped to make corned beef and cabbage for my New Years meal.  I bought the meat several days ago, but then forgot what I was doing and froze it along with the other meats, though I did remember to keep a package of steaks out, which served well enough.  The day snuck up on me, I guess.  I have it thawed and will make some for tonight.  Yes, I remembered red potatoes as well.  All I could find was red cabbage.  Not sure if it will be much different.  Will find out soon enough.

I have been gaming, to try to stretch days, stay awake, all that.  I've been staying up on the girls.  Food, litter raking, and just extra attention.  When they can't get out, when it is too cold, extra attention to each eases their cabin fever.  I can tell, fewer fights.  I haven't gotten dress clothes set up yet.  I'm... thinking on it.  Bleh.  I'll keep trying to remember to focus, or some such.  With medicine, potentially, back on track...  That sure spooks me.  I'd hate to drop it all and walk.  But that is just as possible.  Should I be troubled with some things.  We will see next time, and should my doc decided to add a medicine, or change something.  Every time I get ready to deal with this I twitch just a bit.  It might work out.

Good day and good night.

Didn't want to go.

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My mother insisted.  My Christmas package should have been in, and she was 'distressing'.  I didn't make it in to check Monday, or Tuesday.  Finally, today.  Though I suspect that it had been in for a while.  Something about final notice.  But the problem is, I was in Thursday and/or Friday.  It might have been missed though.  Or... not, as a solution set of several types.

Now, to get out, I had to be awake.  Literal mornings are, generally speaking, my current prime sleeping hours.  If you run a normal day, my mornings would be, say, midnight to 4:00.  Imagine trying to focus in those hours.  I had to shower, dress, then today clear snow.  Further, now I can't quite get back to sleep.  I am dropping off now, but it's an ugly odd thing.  Sleep will be weird.  Oh, and everything I removed, snow wise, is back.  Bleh.

Ah, but I did call to set an appointment with my new doctor.  The middle of next month, or thereabouts.  I added it to my calendar right away, or it would be potentially forgotten.  I'll keep at things.  But first, sleep!  I need sleep so badly.  I set the appoint out a bit just to try to get my days and nights more properly ordered by the time the appointment arrives.  I'll be pushing days and nights in the hopes of making it on time.  It will be a push.  You have no idea how good it is to be able to keep a steady schedule.  If you can do it, enjoy it.

Good... night, I suppose.

Chilly.

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That isn't the only problem, just one of them.  The old motor grinds while I attempt to kick it over.  I had realized that this might be the last of my medicine, so had stumbled a bit, again, about taking it.  When I realized how low, and how much last time had taken to get a resupply... if it hadn't gone through I was just going to let that go.  I still had my eye on another path, but that was unlikely.  I realized, about a week ago, that... something was going to happen or a major failure was due.  Anyway, with a resupply on the way I can take what I have with some confidence, plan a doctor visit, and get back on track.

Well, that left no scars, or marks.

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I wasn't sure how that would go.  I reordered medicine.  No hitch, no argument, no phone tag.  It was a simple transaction.  Okay to send the insulin tomorrow?  Why, yes, I believed so.  I didn't make any fuss, tried not to cause any issues, didn't comment one way or the other.  I am simply in it for medication, my health as much as that is possible.  Ego, after as many times as I have torched even my own, is not a part of my program.  Anyway.  Medicine on the way.

I actually woke a little earlier because I heard the phone.  I was sure it had rung a number of times.  It indicates only two calls.  One from Iowa, the other for sure my mother.  My guess is both were from here, one was simply a landline.  She wanted me to check the mail.  But, when I finally called her back, it was 11:30 I believe.  The post closes at noon, so... yeah, no.  Some days I can pop, jump, and run.  That is rare and becoming rarer.  Today was not one of those days.  Tomorrow, though.  I will... figure it out.

Ah, with medicine seeming to be back on track I decided to call the doctor I had been seeing.  If he still has room, I will begin seeing him again.  While I was going through my phone, trying to remember his name, I finally did contact management.  It looks like, somehow, my phone synced with my email address in a weird fusion that simply didn't make sense.  Much nonsense was removed, and some old links that are gone.  I... didn't remove my recently dead friend's number... not quite yet.  In time.  Perhaps after a grave visit or two.  Too few of those I have cared for, who are gone, have gotten such a visit.  Not by choice, quite often, mind you.  Some know no place, others were lost to me in ways that wouldn't make sense to you.  Yes, perhaps visiting a grave will... help sort things.

On with the day.  I'll set some things back in play and do what I may.  Good day.

A bit.

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Not what I had hoped, not along my plans, just a few things on general lists of things to do.  As well, sleep is just off.  Eight to twelve up and down.  Not a regular day.  No worries, I'll keep at it.

One of the things I did was make a meal.  Fried chicken gizzards and hearts.  It just didn't work out well.  Still, a bite is a bite.  I'll try to figure something out for the week.  Hmm, ham and beans.  I really do love that, and it lasts a good long time.  There should be enough to freeze.  And it is easy enough to cook.  Even starting with dry beans.  It would be good to get to town for small grocery shopping.  Onions go very well in ham and beans.  Carrots would be good for peanut butter topped snacks.  I like celery but it goes bad so fast.  Not sure about shopping today.

I did get the trash out.  No recycling, not sure if this is the week.  I keep resetting the dishes.  I did get a shower in.  I've been showering often, and really hitting my feet with the pumice stone.  I haven't had feet this human feeling in years.  I'll keep at that.

I don't know.  It's a bit rough, just in that I can't quite seem to do proper days or keep on target.  Other than that, I think I'm doing much better than I had been since summer started.  I'll keep at it.  If you were supposed to, or thought you would, hear from me... and haven't?  Don't take it personally.  I'm just a bit off.  Later.

Push for more.

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I am still a bit laid up.  Two days out, and all-dayers, really put a pinch on my motivation.  At least it didn't end up doing anything truly foul.  As well, it didn't dampen my spirits or will to action.  Both are still in good stead, ready to be applied even over slight exhaustion.

I have decided, short term, my goal is to clean the kitchen, top to bottom, with as much speed as I may muster.  If I do that, to real satisfaction, say by Wednesday... then maintain that until I recover, I hope to head out snowshoeing.  Maybe just in the back yard, but plenty.  If that doesn't tucker me too much, I know of another place, Green Canyon.  That is where my former woman and myself went "cross-country" skiing.  They have a side path for snowshoes.  I may also seek other places, if that goes well.

After that the goal is to hit the living room.  Strip it nearly down to the bare, vacuum and steam vac, reset the place... all while keeping the kitchen in order.  If I can keep those things together, then I'd like to set up a camp in the back yard.  And, if that goes well, and I can arrange a camp well enough that an overnight in very cold temps is possible, then I might try to combine the snowshoeing and camping.  Part of what called me here was to have to cold winter wind kiss my cheeks high in the mountains.  And, if I can only get that to happen once, it would need to be soon.  Though, who knows... if I become a minor mountain man, perhaps that will extend things.  Not a part of the plan, just a possibility.

A shower, first thing.  Then I set the dishes to soak.  I may put laundry in later.  As I suggested, however, the only thing I plan to do this weekend, on the main, is to put together several dress outfits for church, church events, social events, and such.  I should have enough for four main whole outfits, if I need to work on shoes... having several that are too tight with occasional swelling and an pair of oxfords that don't actually go with true dress slacks.  As well, I might have enough else to varying those four mains.  But they may all need some to much care, perhaps replacements here and there, or repair.  I need ties, too.  What I have are quite shabby.  Not good enough for God, not right for men of good intent.  And, yes, that means something.  This isn't pride, this was requested by the church and God.  And, by heaven, if men of humbler means and meaner circumstances can show up in clean, neat, and right... I... I'll do it too.

Oh, and have a good day.  This isn't meant to be a bummer post.  I hope it to be... hrm... motivational.  If I seem too focused, with seeming too much intent, understand that for the dead to live, great care must be gathered and directed.  Yes, good day, and later.

Well, that works.

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I finally snuck out to the garage, to see if my phone was in the vehicle.  At first it didn't seem so.  Then, there it was, under this and that.  However it was dead.  I was able to get it to turn on, barely.  Alarms and warnings about cataclysm, plus when I plugged it in I was informed that the battery was too cold to charge, so I turned it off and gave it an half hour to warm up.  Charging, now, finally.  All good.  Saves me a trip to town, that would be the only other place it might have been.

I woke later in the morning, I think.  I thought I saw 10:02 or 10:20, but I'm not sure if that is when I woke or if that is when I went to the bathroom one time or another.  Here it is, at 16:00, and I am quite tired.  I am pushing to stay awake until... 20:00?  Somewhere in there.  That might help reset my days and nights.  It's shining out there, as much as it can in winter.  Which is quite nice.  All I need is that little touch of sun, from time to time, as a safety rope to grab onto.  It allows some opportunity, all else working, to straighten things out.

I finished the last of the ribeye roast.  It was the smallest one in the store, something I purchased to replace the ducks I lost.  Yes, the freezer came unplugged and I lost the ducks.  This time, though, I know what happened.  It was my fault.  Bleh.  When I first realized it, I was so angry I couldn't spit.  I just left it as was until I could regather my wits.  When I collected and tamed my emotions, I looked it over.  The cord had gotten caught on a lower back corner.  And I had moved the freezer out, in order to sweep behind it.  I never got to the sweeping, but one day decided to bump the freezer back against the wall.  But the cord that was around the corner pulled just barely enough to unplug the freezer from the extension cord, but without pulling the plug all of the way out.

The ribeye was good though.  I'll order more duck next month.  Just two.  Oh, but the ribeye roast was inexpensive, compared to the duck, by pound, though I'm not sure if by pound of actual meat?  The poor roast was not quite full.  It was the end cut, so of questionable appearance, size, and quality.  It ended up being quite good.  Half yesterday, plus.  The remnant today.  It made for quite a nice meal.

Hmm?  I'm not sure.  Another day of partial rest, then Sunday...  The only thing I hope to do today and/or tomorrow is to get several dress clothes sets prepped, polish my oxfords (once I find them... and my hiking boots too I suppose, as they work as winter dress, at least with corduroys), and look for another pair of dress shoes.  I want to prepare to go to official events, and keep that prep ready.  I've fallen down on that and I'd like to fix it.  Choir events, Mass, confession, whatever...  I need, want too but really need, to get back to work on these things.  Hmm, some slacks may go in to the dry cleaner.  Not my favorite way, simply required.

Later.

Belated.

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Sincere even so.  Merry Christmas.

Oh, I was in good cheer.  I did make a special Christmas meal.  I prayed through the day.  That will continue for the twelve days.  Only I was a bit limited from what I have been doing.  I overworked, just a bit, so was a bit lower level.  No fuss, worry, or pain, mind you.  Oh, and I seem to have misplaced my phone.  Perhaps when I visited my friend I left it at his place.  So odd, that is the first time I have left my phone elsewhere.  I have lost it here at home.  I have forgotten it in the vehicle.  Then again, I should check there first.  Oh, and when I find it, I best make some calls.

It was a good, if quiet, Christmas.  I hope your day was enjoyed.  If you have too much company and bother to enjoy it, I merely suggest that you divest yourself of the excess.  Oh, trust me, you can.  It is a choice.  It is a fine holy day to keep humble, simple, and right.

No pain, enjoying life, a little tired from overdoing.  And yet that was good too.  It is much better, in my estimation, to fall just a bit after overdoing than to fall for no reason whatsoever.  I love to work, visit, do, and go.  After I recover, I hope to get back to it.  We have good snow.  Snowshoes might be doable.

Just letting you know I haven't gotten into too much of a bind or anything.  Be well, again Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a fine New Years Eve celebration or solemnity and then begin the next year on a good foot.

Oh, right.

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I have been so busy I didn't blog.  Two days ago, I got in to visit my friend.  He had been ill, and down.  Harshly.  The flu, deathly ill.  I told him, if he is ever that ill, to call.  I won't overstay, but I can bring him flu medicine, I can find chicken soup and bring that... preferably from one of the shops that makes it fresh, I can bring groceries or other needs.  In senior living, someone that ill becomes a person non grata.  Fear runs high, death is always near.  I am... rather healthy for being mostly dead.  However, having been down for a month or more, and probably worse than me, plus with no company, well... We talked all night.

I returned late, but had promised my mother I would get out, had other business, and such.  I didn't go to bed until 8:30 yesterday, but needed to be up by noon.  I woke at about 11:00, but had to shower and push to make it to the post office by noon, they close then.  So I pushed.  As I was getting ready to go, I realized it had snowed, and enough that driving over it would... be problematic... packing snow into ice along the drive length.  Never good, can last all winter.  So... I grabbed the shovel and cleared a place for the wheels the length of the drive.  About killed me, but I really had things to do, I made promises, I was dedicated and directed.  And the clock was ticking.  I did make it to the post office, and in time.

Then I went on to town.  Bank business, this, that, an attempt to get in to have my tires rotated, if that failed... but I felt sorry for the lads, they were backed up and running hot, and so close to Christmas.  On and on, I did task after job after duty, knocking them down and out as fast as I could.  I couldn't do everything, but I showed up and made the effort.  Then I got my friend out again.  I needed a coffee reload.  Since I make such a good deal on it in bulk, I could afford to offer him some of it.  Plus, as much as I get, it gets a bit old by the time I am down to the last of it.  A good deal all around.  So to the shop.  Only, this time, they sorted the big bag into little ones for me!  Fantastic.  Now both my friend and I have, to my taste buds, the best coffee in the valley.  And, even so, because of the deal, I make off with 1/2 pound free, unless my math on that was wrong.  Though I don't think so.  But... that's why I'm not an accountant.  :p

Oh, but while I was away?  Someone came and stole all the rest of the snow off my drive!  Thank you, by the way.  Somethings are gladly found to be missing.

In any case, two long days out, much done, lots of conversations...  It took me away.  I hope, however, that I caused no concern.  And, maybe, that my ability to turn things around, get out, push, work, drive, visit, and such... inspires.  I am hoping it lifts the pall from the last months and offers a chance to get things going again.  Yes, yes I do.  If I can keep some things on tap, I would like to get to practicing with the snowshoes before long, and maybe set up my hammock.  While I don't, yet, have it set for winter, perhaps with my full winter/wet bivy kit, it might still work.  A nap, outside, to test, from time to time.  And experimentation with this and that if it isn't quite enough as is.  YES!

And a merry Christmas Eve to you all.  I'll sure attempt to post something for the morrow.  I'm a bit tuckered.  So a day or two to recover.  And, yet, I should be able to write, and in good cheer.  Oh, and maybe a post later as well.  Tired, but not busted up, for all my doings.  Later.

A couple of thoughts, observations, and goings on.

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In no particular order.

My friend called.  He has been quite ill.  His heart is bad, like mine.  On top of it, he has had the flu.  Okay, I can understand that.  I've been down and haven't had the flu.  It's all a matter of margins.  I just got the message.  My phone can be funny.  Sometimes it won't even show someone called.  Sometimes it shows, but doesn't transfer the message that I late found was supposed to have been left, and sometimes, like this time, I just got the "call" notification, and message, but a bit late.  Never mind, I'll work with this as I may.  It's good to hear he hasn't decided against being friends.  He is a complicated fellow.  Some just are.  Then again, I would guess I am considered complicated myself.

I found out that it had snowed last night.  So my eyes were not deceiving me.  The thing is, by this morning, a warm front moved through.  We received rain today and through into this evening.  Rain?  There are six(?) inches of snow out there.  Weird.  I would have thought the rain would have washed more of the snow away.  Nope.

Another friend.  I think about his situation often.  I see that, usually, he is fairly happy with things.  Sometimes life gets a bit... questionable though.  He wonders if he did things right, if he is doing all he can, if what he is doing is what he should be doing.  I have to guess his life station is more than just involved, it is overwhelming.  In his shoes a man can either attempt to maintain order and control, slowly slipping into madness, or he simply has to... just understand.  He probably has no clue that I am envious, in the better of ways, of his life.  He's not an 85%'er.  He's not a 100%'er.  Sometimes going over potential capacity is like juggling one too many items.  I see that too.  And yet, going that extra distance?  That's what makes him a man, a real one, a good one.

I know it doesn't always seem like luck.  I try to confirm, often, that his life choice and paths are much preferred to mine.  But mired in the middle of it, with the cloying demands and confusion it must seem otherwise.  I just hope he and his woman live well long enough to see the next generations begin, and then be able to understand fully.  Only one way to really see that, time and sacrifice.  Perfection?  Your all, plus, as with the widows mite, is more than many, most.

There are some people who are worth knowing.  Of those, only a very few cause me a form of envy... a proper, good, form of that mind you.  He is one of those.

I think I mentioned, that, while I did the driving, and much else, my friend who died had been of great help to me as well.  He called, if I didn't.  He had ideas of what else to do, where to go, or a new gun to shoot.  He helped me stay awake, aware, or more so.  And, you know, I did tell him.  I don't know that he believed.  He sometimes thought I was a little odd.  But when no shoe dropped, I think, in time, he realized I was just another.  He will be missed.

Depending on whether there is ice, I am hoping, eventually, sometimes this week, to get into town.  I need some things, desperately.  I sure hope it didn't ice up.  I keep hearing vehicles go by, seemingly at regular speed, so perhaps not.  If my friend is up to it, I'll get him out.  If he isn't, I'll see if he needs anything.  Tissue, flu goop, food, coffee.

Stiff, sore, sleepy.

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No major issues.  That's just how winter days can be.  It has been cloudy for a while now.  I tell you, being active in heavy winter or hot summer just isn't natural.  Less so with age, actually on either edge of the age spectrum.  As I remember it, as a child, winters were harsh.  Of course, pushing through, or being pushed through, those times and in cold climates is what makes people strong.  Even now, attempting to push through is more important than resting.  Though rest is more needed.

I woke several times to use the facilities.  While up, I looked outside to see if there was more snow.  For some reason I thought we had gotten a couple of inches.  Now that I am actually awake, and looked again, I don't think so.  Snow may have blow over some areas, but not all and not all that much.  Still, I may get out and do a bit of shoveling for upkeep.  It sure beats what I thought I was going to have to do... shovel a long drive clear of several inches.  I need to wake better first.  That will take just a bit.

I am sleeping more hours.  Which is throwing my system off.  Days and nights are definitely tumbling.  Medicines are being taken regularly.  Though for how long I don't know.  I am needing to order more and I don't know if they will send them.  If they do, I'll schedule with the doctor.  I may try to reorder today, if not tomorrow.  I have to be awake enough to talk and listen.

Three dreams I remember.  None of great import, save one but just to me.  One of the non-important ones was sort of endearing.  A little girl, like one of the actresses from the Brady Bunch, when she was young, walked up to me and just said Mr. "Doom", my surname in the quotations.  And looked into my eyes.  Hair all up in curls and tails and such.  It was as seeing a bird on a branch out a window, or sensing the first wind of spring after a long winter.  I suppose this has import, in a way.  The other was more about the mechanics of the universe, as regards life... and death.  The other dream faded.

Reading, writing, and gaming are what I used to attempt to gain purchase on my day.  I may, if I can, make a call today.  Or three.  Or soon.  Later.

A bit gruff.

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Just a tiny bit off this morning.  But this is, really, about as good as mornings get if you aren't a morning man.  I am not a morning man.  Some say it is will, or faking it until you make it.  But that can't be true.  I really think some people are made to be happy when they wake, and enjoy waking early.  My brother was exactly that.  Probably still is, as far as happy goes.  I was his polar opposite.  No matter how hard we tried, we never were able to do what the other did so naturally.  I have actually, in spite of my health, certainly not because of it, made great strides toward being a day man.  Health, but not that alone, causes my schedule to drift.

My neck is just a touch cranky, and shoulders.  A bit groggy because sleep is twisting in the winter winds.  None of that is bad.  I can deal with this, and probably, maybe, find my pace, perhaps do a bit of work.  As with yesterday, I was not able to arrange for good clothing.  I still haven't found my oxfords.  Hmm...  I know.  I'll... try to get those things set up.  I could be fumingly angry at myself but at this point I know better.  I will simply, and only, make attempts.  If I fail, as I am forgiven, and as I make great pains to forgive, I must learn to forgive myself.  Being crippled isn't a sin, in God's eyes.  It is a secular, or worldly, sin.

I still see hope.  I think I can, if I gear and push and watch make it to more action this week, through the week.  I had hoped to get out for several events, but also to do shopping.  I have been out of milk and cream for a rather longish time.  Hopefully, before the week is out, I will get out.  My main goal, however, is to rip in and clean.  That has fallen far behind.  As well, keep food on tap.  I may see about what eggs I have, check them, and boil some.  Thawing brats to be cooked tomorrow, and making a pot of grain mush as well, might see me to food on tap.  That always helps... or at least opens up a few more opportunities.

On the good side, I wasn't missing medicine as badly as I had thought.  It must just be the very short and relatively dark days that have been throwing me.  All good.  I'll keep looking for chances, stay on top of what I can, and get to it as I may.  I really enjoy work.  I think I will get to wear myself out a couple of times, at least, this week.  Wish me luck?  Later.

Well, something stirred.

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I had to push just to get some painkillers down, and then medicine.  I sat, for hours, unable to really get anything working.  I blogged a bit, read other blogs, looked at what passes for news, though more simply got a bit lost in the ether.

Finally hunger offered a bit of motivation.  That didn't, at first, allow me to cook.  It simply got me to finally take medicine and painkillers.  A bit more freefloating and then I got to making a meal.  Chuck roast, again.  Once a week.  I am getting better at making it.  I have settled on a few spices and a simple technique.  Thyme, sage, sometimes bay leaves if I am up to picking a few of the muscles apart in order to place the leaves inside the roast, garlic, and salt.  I leave that, at room temp, for an hour.  The salt, just as with steak, draws the moisture left in the beef out, then  returns it, infusing the interior with the spices and herbs.  Oh, and it tenderizes just a bit.  After the hour is up, give or take (more, actually, never less time), I then sear the roast.  No need to do the sides, that ends up getting the interior too done.  I slowly heat my cast frying pan, with fat (usually tallow), until it is hot enough to truly sear the roast.  Four minutes of that, then over and repeat, for the same time.  While I am heating that pan, I get the oven set to 415F, so that by the time I am finished searing, the oven is ready.  After both sides have been seared, the roast and pan go right into the oven.  Today I added baby carrots.  Well, they were just this side of bad and I can't find any peanut butter.  Rather than waste, roast.

Now, if I have guests, I will cook the meat for about 30 minutes.  That will see it to being done enough for women types and the men who are like them.  For myself I only cook it for 25 minutes, maybe 20 if... my native hungers are more in play.  When I played I played like I used to work and just as I eat... even to this day, bloody.  Once a week, this has become a regular.  I may begin trying to cook more often again.  Even cooking twice a week, plus with the incoming, might be enough.  Boiling eggs again would also help, though just a dozen... for three every other day, say.  Grain type stuff would be nice, for an add.  And, maybe, keeping onions on hand, and carrots, to add to meats.  I do need to eat more, this I know.  Well, that's the plan.

Something happened between, this, that, and the next thing.  An awakening.  I have business to attend, things to do, and maybe a way to it.  It does look frightening, especially with an overweening government that seems hellbent on destroying this nation, on purpose... an electorate that reminds me of the crowd who release Barnabas... in more ways than one, all mainstream institutions brutalized to work against the very reasons they were created, and a bureaucracy that was supposed to be built for my health turning it's hand against me in such a way as to literally be seeming to attempt to murder me.  Yeah.  It does look tough.  And?  I've been against the odds since I was born.  Even with genocide against babies not yet legalized, there were still ways women attempted to butcher their children.  In a world that was fighting the sins of the parents, their children were more likely to be the targets.  Having the wrong name in the wrong place meant having to fight as few can.  Having neither life nor death in my court, being more a weapon each used against the other as some sort of futile proof of it's superiority while each denying that my very existence negated their ability to have a proof.  Each made me stronger.  Perhaps wiser.  Certainly leading me to Wisdom.  If, not initially, all that happy about it.  Still, when seeking the truth and being lead to Wisdom inexorably end up being the same path, only two choices remain.  And, no, I am not saying God is on my side.  I am simply not that big.  I am saying, for my part, I aim to be on His side.  Nothing more.

So, after all this, something is moving in me.  Will it lead to great works today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Soon?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I also, once again, do not worry.  I will do as I must, can, and what will happen after and from that will happen.  Hope?  Faith.  Charity too.  Yes.  I will begin as soon as I may.

Sleep and pain.

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I have some things I had hoped to do this weekend.  I don't think I can.  I went down early last evening.  I hurt most of the night.  Muscles, internals, a headache.  I kept trying to sleep past it or wake through it.  Neither worked.  I am awake but not in the best of shape.  Oh, I'll get better.  Just not soon.  Bleh.  I'll keep working on things.

I had several odd dreams.

In the first I was palling around with a dame, back in the day.  No, not a lover, not this one.  I think she was real, I just can't recall how or when I knew her.  She is one of those women who got away.  I suspect she thought the same about me.  But we had a ball just... going places, doing things, eating out.  It's almost like we were meant to be but that it just never happened that way.  Perhaps we met right after we had left someone else and just needed to figure out how to like the opposite sex again.  Yeah, she was a doll.

Anyway, it ended up that we were both into photography.  Well, once a year, there was a mass marriage ceremony and two of our friends, mutual friends to some degree, were to wed.  She talked me into joining the photographer pool.  There were some amazing sites to be seen, and it was an interesting experience.  Trying to track our friends among thousands of couples was a trick though too, so that took a good deal of my time.  Anyway, toward the end of the event, which ran into night as the event turned into a feast, the photographers pool was on scaffolding near the water when the scaffolding tipped.

Now that was a bit of a spooky experience.  With three levels of scaffolding, each full of people, hemmed in by each other and barriers on the sides, all falling, all falling into water, most still hemmed in, everyone trying to get to air...  A few bumps and bruises, myself.  I don't think anyone was hurt.  I was able to save the pictures.  No one was seriously hurt.  Just a memory, if a dream memory, and not a favorite one.

There was a lot more to it, but those are the highlights.  Dang but she was a pretty woman.  It's a good thing, in real life, duty called.  Or I would have broken her heart.  At least she had one guy she liked in that way to end up as a friend in memory.  If, to be honest, I don't think, for the woman's side of things, that is a good thing.  Better to have a broken heart, I am told, than a friend.  Bleh.  Dames!

I'll take anicin, and medicine.  Perhaps I have been missing medicine.  That isn't all of it though.  It seems to be a piling on of this and that.  I'll still try to do some things, but I'm pretty crippled up, beyond the pains.  The pains aren't that bad, any of them, on their own.  Even all together they aren't too horrible.  But they aren't the main problem with getting to things, either, as I wrote.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I never did lift off.

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Or not yet.  Feeling good enough, I did have a bite to eat.  I attempted to read, blogs and what horrid material passes as even conservative news.  Just couldn't focus.  I read a bit more into SJWs Always Lie.  The first part wasn't so interesting.  In part because I read much of it as it was happening, so the first part of the book was old news.  There wasn't much I could do about it then or now.  As I passed the halfway mark, maybe a bit more of the way through the book, it has become interesting again.  How to deal with sjws, really, is what I was interested in.  While they can't fire me, I think they are attempting to end my life through attacks on my medication.  That wasn't the only way they attacked, and isn't the only remaining way.  Including one of the female "doctors" attempting to diagnose something into my records that doesn't exist as an health issue.  Though, truth be told, since I deal with government, there is no way to fight sjws in there.

I can't quite get going.  I am hoping to get a shower or bath.  Then maybe figure out something to eat this evening, out or in, I don't care.  It would be nice to make sure I can set up dress clothes for the next few days.  Shoes... I know I have oxfords, just not where.  And they probably need polished.  If I get a shower in, or bath, maybe shopping.  Though maybe not until tomorrow.  It's messy.  I'm not working as well as I would like.  I'll keep at it.  That's that for now.  If things turn up, or out, well, I'll post something later.

Trying to figure some things out.

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So... all night... I dreamed.  Of doing this.