Slept well woke well.

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Just that little bit of getting out and all seemed to help.  I am still exhausted, but working through, over, or beyond that seems to help trigger a release that allows for a better sleep.  It is raining out there, so darker as well.  No fuss today.

I did produce a mess of mayo, then dressing last night.  Good?  Yes.  Very good.  I have, for my part, as close as I can get, produced as good of a ranch dressing as I am able.  And that ranch dressing will rival anything on any market or even small tack-on restaurant which does their own dressings, at any level.  Life is good regarding that for me, finally.  You have no idea how long I worded to try to do it all on my own.  It just doesn't work.  My guess is, whoever doesn't use the packets uses something else that is just as "out of bounds" and will never tell you.  Liars.  But fine, be that way.

I am hoping my mother is around.  I'll give her a call.  She doesn't always realize she likes to or wants to talk to me, until I don't call her for a long time.  Teh Womenz!  Crazy.  Mom, sister, your woman, all nugging futz, and it's all our fault.  Actually... I'm hoping.  *grins*  Nothing like guilt with honest if deceitful deniability.  How can it be honest and deceitful?  Ignorance is bliss, baby.  Woot!  Woo, woo, wow!  Woo-hoo!  Love me some women thinks.  Remember, if they bring you their hate, they... actually do love you, or want to.  Bon apetit.

Anyway... yeah... I'll give her a call.  Just like to see how she is.  Later.

Medicine and groceries.

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Yeah, the scripts went through.  Not sure they were filled, but after calling in they were ready when I got there.  The price frightened me at first.  It seemed so much higher than before.  Losarten is a rather spendy medicine, the most expensive of the lot, probably because it is potassium sparing.  When I was told these were for three months... no problem.  Monthly it would be a challenge.  Though, for some reason, the potassium, I only get that in monthly lots.  I wonder if it is too fragile, or breaks down to quickly.  That's a bit of an annoyance.  I'll see what I can do about that.  At least this potassium is easy for me to take.  The V.A. stuff was terrible.

After that, groceries.  Just a bit.  Apples, cabbage, romaine lettuce, a few other things.  I also caved and went for ranch dressing packets.  I have tried and tried, and tried some more, to get the right blend of spices.  I just can't get it.  I'll still make my own mayo, and I keep creme fraisch on hand regularly now.  Using that rather than sour cream, I do like the texture better... plus it is definitely probiotic as I use kefir to produce it.  I might whip that up for a salad before bedtime.  Yeah, I think I won't mind adding veggies in, certain ones.

Oh, right, I think I also finally figured out my problem with kefir... why it was often thin.  I think many, when they say they use whole milk?  They aren't talking about whole milk you find in stores, but whole milk, unseparated, straight from the cow.  Basically, what they mean, is whole cream or half and half.  I'll be exploring this.  I'll try some with whole and some with a mix of the two.  Regular store bought whole milk kefir is thin, too thin, usually.  Sometimes it's good, if I think that is probably in the spring, when feed is richer... or something.  Didn't really track it seasonally.  Live and learn.

I am tired.  At least I got a bit done, another shower, groceries, and next a bite or three.  Good night.

Showered and postal.

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Well... no one was injured, that I recall.  But I did go to the post office.  mail, packages, funny looks.  I'm the local ogre but not everybody is used to having an ogre about.  Well, and some are and think it's somewhere between groovy and crazy to allow such critters to roam outside of chains and without attendants.  I simply can't afford them.

I'll make a few calls today, see what is going on.  Medicine, house payments, lots of things.  Maybe a trip to town.

I had a ribeye for lunch.  Those are simply the tastiest things.  And they have the perfect balance of fat and protein for keto.  Now, I heard from Desert Cat that vegetables were actually necessary.  And I argued with him, as with my doctor.  I... may have to walk back on that.  Beside, extra edible potassium is wise.  He was right about a number of things.  Yeah, I know.  I seem to, part of the time, have to make my own mistakes and sleep in that bed... hoping it doesn't become a death bed.  Thankfully, so far, I seem rather prone to life.  Reminds me, I'll have to email him and see how they are doing.  I won't offer troubles upon his head, just ask and leave it.

I will do just a spot of shopping, if I get out, today.  Green leafy vegetables.  Though I do need to make ranch dressing, which means mayo as well.  I might buy chard or some other types of such for adding to my bone broth.  It'll mean heating it a bit longer, so I may do a couple days all at once, then re-store it to be heated per use on the given day.  Heavier dark greens can handle it.  Hmm, could use some seaweed too.  The thing about seaweed is that much of it has heavy metal contamination.  I haven't found a, for sure, safe source for that.  Which might well be out of my price range.  The world is going down hard.

Well... a song for the kickoff to the weekend?  Maybe.

Just another.

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What day?  Ah, right.  I best get to some things.  A small trip, a phone call or three, maybe a long trip.  After a shower and such.  Bleh.  I was just thinking how much I used to hate partying... my kind.  No worries.  Post is short and sweet and I think even the more demure of dames can handle... well, mostly.  If they internalize and remember behind or ahead, yeah... maybe.  *wink*

I love laying traps.

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Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  But with a trap, you know if it has been tripped.  Not always by whom, though guesses are probably on a short list.  I was just... curious.  I wonder if they take it too seriously... or not.  This might help if they do.  Or... not.

By the way, that thing with airing out the house worked.  I just had a batch of sneezes, but the first since I aired out the place.  I just have to remember to add a new screen in, say, January to February.  That one will pretty much last for the rest of the season.  Then, in fall, I blow it all out again, then add a new screen and let that blow more hot air out for another hour or so.  It sure beats sneezing all winter.

I am hoping to get to a few things today.  Very little has much to do with the intertubes.  Still... if blogging is addictive, Gab and the others are like crack.  Saps the life out of you while at it.  Later.

Oh my Lord, but the people are weak.

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I'm going to stop Gabbing.  I might check in from time to time.  But really, tis a silly place.  I still don't understand all of the tricks to it, or how all things work.  In time I suppose I will figure other things out.  I have done amazing things, though, without being told.  I figured out how to edit before they announced the potential, and was just trying things here and there that worked, but just because they had just been brought online.  However, there are other things I don't understand at all.  Time, just not for a bit.

People are not... very bright.  Stoners are stoners.  Broken dolls are just that.  Some things never change, online or off.  So many of them, even at Gab which is supposed to be a voice for those who are being denied, still want someone else to tell them what to do, but only someone who agrees with them, often.  What?  Exactly.

Imagine someone talking to Christ.  Well, sure I want eternal life.  But I don't want to have to do anything for it.  I mean, if I want sex with the neighbor, what is it your business?  If I steal some money, why shouldn't you support me in that?  Sheesh, man, just get off my back!  Huh?  Yeah.  There are some who do get it, but they can't go long.  They won't push through.  Someone else will be required to do the heavy lifting.  If that doesn't happen, they will just grumble and go back to wherever they came from.

Where do I fit?  As rough as I am, I am simply my own man.  I am beholden to God with my life and all.  I will do what is wisest for me, with His will in mind.  I speak my mind, even if it isn't well represented in common consent, or often in civil tones.  And, yet, I do try to maintain some order, more for the Spirit of my Lords sake.  Yeah, a rough in the diamond?  :p  I do try, and I do fail.  A lousy singer in church, metaphorically, but I do belt it out.  Usually too chicken literally, though permanent dry throat doesn't help.  And not being used to PEOPLE adds to it.  God knows, literally.

It's been so long since I interacted in a group of groups.  Then again, it is internet people.  Many are reitred, like me.  Or otherwise ill disposed or ill dispensed from one sort of ill or another.  Oh well.  Use it for news and a bit of conversation from time to time.  Later.

Another morning.

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I have been awake for an hour and an half, it's 4:30.  I can't remember bedtime, though it was after 17:00, perhaps at late as 19:00 though probably not all that close to it.  Just guessing.  I am stretching my day into business hours but it is killing short term memory, which impacts mid term memory.  Think of the various memories as building blocks, or better parts of the food chain.  If there are scant little things, the big things will suffer, as with memory and memory through time.

I am making an effort to heal.  It just isn't working.  I will hand most of this to the changing season.  It is pummeling me this year.  I will check with the pharmacy today.  If medicines are in, I can begin working those again.  That might help.  The doc wouldn't give doubled lower dose medicine.  I don't know if he has limits.  I know, at times, these medicines have become scarce.  Perhaps that is the deal.  Dunno.  So I went with the lower dose.  it will simply slow progress.  I don't even mind that, and it was the only other real option.

I have been gabbing quite a bit.  I may take a day or two off.  Or soon.  I am following 2608 people.  Not all that many talk at once.  I am not sure how many are on at any time, but really, only maybe twenty people seem to be slowly active at any given time, many of them just read and vote posts up or down.  I still have no idea what I am doing.  Are there private rooms, or side rooms?  How do you know or find them?  I see there are ways to censor, but is is people or words, and how does that work.  There is much to learn.  There is a starter guide but... I... it isn't written in a way that my mind can use it well.  A Spartan trying to read Greek.  Even if I was classically trained, it... really isn't how my mind works.

Well...  On to gabbing some more, I guess, as I wake.  Mostly just reading and smacking down smarmy people who think they are in private chats.  *bam!*  Later.

Well... bedtime.

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I'll try to push some things through tomorrow.  Another shower, or bath?  A trip here or there, or not.  Dishes, laundry, at least getting those together.  Trash out, who knows.  So worn, but not done.  Good night.

Yeah? Yeah.

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I made it out.  I didn't think I would.  I was sure I wouldn't.  I just never quite give up all hope.  All of a sudden, I went from sitting here to in the car and going.  Gone.  Bye.  To the various stores, after checking my accounts.  Looks good.  Did I get everything?  I can't afford everything.  But I did get what I wanted and needed.  I think.

Nothing fancy.  I might do it again soon.  Good afternoon.

Well, I am... doing.

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Not a lot.  I got a shower in, dressed, and made it to the post office in time.  Just, but that counts.  A bunch of packages which were back-ordered from months ago.  Now worries, I suppose.  I finally have short sleeve, button up, shirts I like that fit.  In poplin.  A few more cooking items, and pens.  Not standard pens, fountain pens.  I have several letters to write.  Noodler's ink as well.  Waterproof, archival, lasts, and not that expensive.

After returning home, I decided to wait to call the doc.  About medicine.  They called, when the phone was in the other room.  I was just going to get it in order to call.  Worked out well.  I had to debate.  Not sure it will work but I asked for what I think will help me get to dose the quickest.  She argued with me, mostly.  Wasn't happy.  Might not get what I want.  I just told her to skip that medicine, but I think they really want that one, so she sort of, agreed.  I shouldn't have to argue like this.  Though if they just want to cut dosage, it means it'll take longer for me to get up to dose.  Gah!  Every fucking doctor and office is like this.  I really may just quit medicine when I get to Alaska.  This is just annoying and more.

I don't think I can make it to town.  Though maybe.  I'll think on it.  Later.

Dames.

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If I can't speak to you?  If you can't or won't speak to me?  There is nothing I can, or would, do.  If I think you are irreparably femininely insane?  I just won't deal with you.  Dealing with women on Gab who simply... have lost it brings reminders.  For my part, I will tell a woman what is on my mind.  I don't hold back.  Once I have said my piece, though, I am done.  Even on Gab, a lot of them just don't get that.  Although one among them, one they might consider queen, has learned to... not engage.  I checked this earlier.  What would keep her at bay... only a few things.  The temptation had to have been grand.

Not bad.

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I made it to past 17:00, nearly 18:00, then crashed like a biker into a full cement truck.  I always wondered how mothers developed sight in the back of their heads.  Mine are welcome, for not doubts I played a large part in that for them.  Not a hate thing, at all, just the costs of life, if with a bit of a tickle... up until it was my turn.  I then woke in the midnight range.

I'm not doing much.  Can't do much.  I hope I can click in and latch down, catching the day and hanging on for a bit.  That would be nice.  When you are past your time so far that miracles no longer explain it, though, I suppose sometimes you just have to take it as it arrives, do what you can, and enjoy as possible.

Supper was in.  Soup.  I added bone broth too it, some salt, some red pepper flecks, micro'ed the lot, and... nice.  Oh, I added cream.  It can be a really nice addition.  To think, for so many years I missed out on soup because I thought I didn't like it.  Just broth is amazing with a few minor touches.

I am hoping to... do something today.  What?  What what?  I don't know.  I have some plans, but I don't want to jinx them.  Maybe a bit, maybe a lot, though I might fall flat, again.  I'll keep trying.  Later.

Stretching.

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I am attempting to push my day into the early evening.  I thought about a trip to the post office, and town.  Not today, probably not tomorrow.  Soon.  Grocery shopping, a larger amount of cat food and litter material this month and next, mail of course, prep for winter.  It's still a bit off.  It creeps slowly until it has snuck up in plain sight.  Then there is snow.

I have been burning time on Gab.  I'll... take a break.  If I can.  Addictive.  Wasteful, too, really.  Sometimes there is news.  Usually just the "hooray for our side" banter.  Oh, I do disagree.  However, I let it go just so far (especially with women), then I say... that's it, no more.  People are amazed when I cease to engage.  I say my piece, riggle raggle a time or two, and then go upon my way.  If it isn't settled for someone else, that truly isn't my monkey.

It's a bit rough, don't know how much longer I will actually make it.  Even a few more hours would be good.  I doubt if I can make it to when I would like to make it.  A shower would be good, and might help a bit.  As well, it would add to prepping for tomorrow.

Oh, an update on the homemade dry shampoo.  The stuff does really well.  Though I have showered, I wanted to see how long the hair lasts, my hair anyway, which is thin (per hair, not really so much scalp-wide) and prone to being greasy.  I will say that, for me, this stuff does pretty good for about five to seven days.  Then it starts getting a caked feeling.  It still works, but loses volume and begins to appear just a bit oily/wet.  What I also really like about it, is that if applied behind the ears, it makes it so my glasses limbs don't dig in, or become smelly, etc.  It really checks that.  I've always had a problem with that, no matter how well I have been able to keep clean otherwise.  I think it's my size and the limit of glasses to really fit large people.  Or, maybe, many have that problem.  Just a little dab of the stuff behind the ears, as needed/wanted, and it really helps.

Later, or good night.

Just a bit of chaos to start things.

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I have been awake for a bit.  Gabbing, and youtubing.  Gab?  It's a replacement for twitter, which has self-immolated.  I'm not saying I'll stay, or do much, but it's a curiosity and you know how those go.  I am pretty sure this is... hmm... pretty much as the cliques in high school, even before.  I am working to increase the number of people I follow.  Not really interested in gaining followers.  I am seeking the zeitgeist.  Each has a little bit of it.  A small sample isn't enough.  Patterns emerge with enough throughput and involvement.  I should stay quiet, but I am simply enjoying myself, writing, agreeing, reposting, as I see fit.  I know not what I do.  As is my usual, I simply... do.  The zeitgeist might not live there, though.  Or, if it does, it might not be found there.  Time tells all.

Bone broth is quite good.

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Sometimes I forget I have it.  I have had it suggested that two to three cups of the stuff is a good thing, if more for a medicinal thing.  And, yet, that is about right for me.  If I was five feet tall and my weight, maybe not.  At my size I do need just a bit more... of everything.  As well, adding whole cream offers good fats and a potential energy boost.

The thing about bone broth is I do not salt or otherwise spice it.  I make it in the raw, so I can use it for anything, out of an abundance of fear of oversalting or spicing a batch, and for fear of carb issues.  I have been trying to get a solid idea about how much to add, for taste.  The thing is it is different each time.  Sometimes I like more, sometimes less... of any given thing.  I am working to find some sort of middle ground though.  This is good stuff, whether you are on keto, no diet, paleo, or... just about anything.  They really did consume this, probably to a man, at one time.  Daily.  It's what they had, and they didn't have much.  Toss in vegetables if available, meat if there was enough, or just drink the meat tea and be grateful for it.  Plus, it is good enough as for what it is to be used on true fasting days.

Today, for three cups, I added an half teaspoon salt, red pepper flecks, and an italian seasoning blend, plus a quarter teaspoon of garlic powder and black pepper.  Perfect.  I would like to try "sweet" blends.  No sweetener, just spices that bring that to mind, such as clove, allspice, cinnamon, and perhaps some others... mint?  Dunno.  Look, it's a game.  How not to be bored with stuff that sustains rightly, or better.

Someone, someone else I think, dug way back.

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I think I know why.  Who?  That could be a number of folk.  However, it would be someone who read my blogs long long ago and is still connected through other blogs.  There are probably several possibilities I might know and a few to many I simply don't know exist.  They read, they don't comment... or even leave a trail.  As I wrote on a blog comment recently, which I think is why these videos were dug up, was that while I might not always be able to get to my feet, that doesn't mean I will ever kneel.  And I strongly despise those who do, as few could be as incapacitated as I am at my worst... at least and still be outside of an hospital.

Accidents happen.

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Sometimes, perhaps more often than one could know, accidents are tremendously fortuitous.  A foot forward through calamity is still a foot forward, especially given some of the other options.  One cannot bet on the probability of another outcome, not enough data.  For one example, if they had diagnosed the heart as bad early, they would have replaced it... back then I believed doctors knew what they were doing.  I'd be dead.  Better to suffer and live?  Only if one believes in God, perhaps, and then only learned of God after what would have been death.

Another, more simple, accident which proffered fruit recently?  Ah, yes.  I do use crystal light.  I use it in water, I also use it in tea.  I have certain flavors I enjoy very much.  Most I don't bother using.  Mostly berry types, for me.  I tried various lemonades, to mixed reviews.  Actually more negative.  Just a bit too... too.  However, I happened to be nearly out of most.  I almost never use a whole pack.  Actually, I take that back.  I mean I never use a whole pack, for sure.  I happened to have a partial of lemonade and, perhaps, fruit punch.  I mixed them.  Nice, very nice.  I have since experimented.  About two thirds of the berry to one third of any of the lemonades (you like and find work with the other) and, bam, you get a really nice flavor boost.  I don't use this stuff full strength, or every day.  A treat, even if "diet".  Even so, as a treat, I enjoy it more this way.  Something for you to tinker with.

Look, I enjoy tea.  But the volume in which I consume it, it's... impossible to just drink it the same all the time.  Even if I mix teas, which I do.  Even if I have different sorts of teas, for different moods.  Even while sometimes I drink it hot, mid, or cold.  And water?  I haven't been able to drink it without an add since the mid to late 90's.  Might be a side affect from the medicines they wrongly had me on.  It seems permanent now.  There are often downsides to even fortuitous accidents.  Anyway, just thought to share.

Yes, tea and coffee really help.  In enough volume, the water is a flush, the caffeine helps with hunger, and some... other good things for the keto and i.fasting way.  It is the way of it.

Later.

Very long nap.

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Not much of a choice.  I needed the nap.  I woke during it but could not break the spell but for moments.  Sleep was good, I seemed to need it, so be it.  Sam and Sassy joined me, at times.  In the end they just wanted me to wake.  Not so much for food, though sometimes they confuse(?) one sleep time with another.  Generally, I think, they know I only feed in the morning (wet/canned cat food).  But if they think they can trip the system and get food off schedule, they will.  My becoming healthier must suck.  Then again, they don't go, possibly, days without food now.  Although there is always dry food, which I keep out and let them eat at will.  These cats have almost never known even hunger save by choice.  They both also hunt.  Sam is am absolute master in class.  Sassy... will get it if it's in the house, but more for territory and play.  I don't think she prefers mice.  Sam finds them absolutely delicious.

Dreams.  My sleep has been full of them, but they aren't surfacing as I wake.  Something about a woman, tripping around my psychic demesne.  But I don't think that is a dream, because that happens even when I am awake.  If I had to say, I would guess there are two of them.  For good or ill, in love or malice, though with women, is there always a difference?  They as often hate with love as love with hate, and they wonder why we do just what we do without heed to their neurosis.  If the more common meanings for neurosis and psychosis, that one is a lack of understanding and grounding in the real and the latter is and understanding of the real but extreme dislike, that might explain a powerful part of the male and female, and prove the theory that the one deserves the other.  Cheers?  Some think, sometimes, that I am being snarky.  Promises.  That... isn't snark.  It isn't even a bark, let alone a bite.  It's... just a note... a possibility.

Uhm, today?  Is it today?  No snark.  You probably have no idea what living in this sort of exhaustion is like.  It has returned.  And, while I fight through it, that only accelerates the... depth of the fog.  And, yet, I know, if I just sit there the fog will just remain.  Risks either way.  I'll take the risk of action over the risk of inaction.  I would, despite all written and played here, despise being a woman, trapped in fear and inaction, and in part by nature.  It's not all their fault, it is simply the way, for them, quite often, that it has to be.  They cannot ask, they can only... respond.  And, this carries through to much else.  It is why they are wanted, by those who want America to fail, in certain positions.

I don't know if I will get to anything.  I have a number of tasks on the list.  If I can wake properly some or all may be possible.  Or I'll just string out as much time as I can... or little as if I can get back to bed so as to wake more in the day I will.  I'm sort of stuck between neither and nor.  I'd like to get back to either and or.  Innit?  Later.

I was wondering.

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Once she fell into the trap, knowingly or not, would she simply flee?  Or would she, as I have sensed before, attempt to touch the hem of my cloak?  Evidence is what it is.  Old songs, and some new ones, but of a sort that would be understood personally.  You, dear reader, only have... these things are stories, tall tales at best.  You might enjoy them, or they might terrify you.  She?  She knew these.  She didn't believe, even living them, but for fear not because she knew better.  They really can't look into some parts of the world, men, monsters, or nephilim.  Women are terrified of some things.

In no particular order, mostly.  Yes, old and some new.  She has been watching, perhaps she is catching up after getting bored and dropping off.

Oh, right.

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Hunger is more under control today.  It was outrageous yesterday.  I had to steal bases, and do what I had to do.  I was, mostly, able to cope.  Brutal though.  Today the plan is to continue with the fasting, on to Sunday evening.  Yeah, three days, give or take, but for now just on the weekends.  I think I like doing it starting Thursday nights.  Then I'm fed and ready for the week when Monday rolls it's mean ass in and plunks it for me to kick or run.  Watch the feet, crack kills.  Huh?

I haven't been doing much work.  I've, sort of, gotten confused with the organization things.  I have a group of items which could go in the firearm cleaning and maintenance, the tool, or... another... area.  I just can't quite get past it, so a pileup has occurred.  Well, and I don't have a place for those sections, not all of them, quite yet.  I mean I do, but they are in disarray.  Yeah.  And they aren't, even per, fully centralized.  Gah!  I'll... get more to work on that.

As well, I hope to find paperwork to take care of one final major piece of business.  Time will tell if I can, but I think so.  By early to mid next week I should be fairly well organized, businesswise, to begin organizing some other things in various ways.  Huh?  Oh, don't worry.  I'm just doing what I can is all I am saying, and maybe a bit more.  I am almost getting clever as to just keeping up and planning ahead a bit.  It's a brutal world, more so for those so close to death.  What of the world isn't trying to finish you is trying to rob you blind.  There are a few with good intentions.  Treat these well.

Hmm... beside organizing, I need to get the trash out, boxes broken down and ready to go by being put right into the hatch when done, and the kitchen and bathroom need to be nuked from space.  I am still well ahead... I got ahead by probably twenty paces.  But I have slid in those areas by a good five paces.  Back at it, I guess.  Later in the day though.  Perhaps after a late morning nap?  Yeah.  Gotta wake up and tinker yet.  I should pull some meats out to thaw too, for the early week.  Takes a bit and I will be hungry.  Later.

I pushed, did well.

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I didn't get much done.  I called the doctor.  They called back but I didn't hear the call.  I guess medicines won't be reset until next Tuesday or Wednesday.  Whatevs.  I did stay awake until 16:00, give or take.  Meaning my days and nights are getting sorted again.  It was interesting speaking with my last, and her finding out that I sleep, and wake, every day now.  She was almost shocked.  Now the term "day" has slightly different meanings for me and for you.  You live in a 24 hour day, I live in a Picasso day which can vary from 16 to 36 hours or something.  And, yet, that is different from my "day", a period of sleep and waking, taking up a week or two in sum total.  You would think that sort of thing would permanently damage something in the brain... something would overheat, or stretch as in recording media of some sorts, or become burned in like televisions and monitors... especially for as many years as it went on.  To think that even a bit of heart medicine, the right kind, could have helped so long ago.

Though, even when they realized what it was, or admitted it(?), it was quite difficult to find medicine that worked without making my already horrid existence worse.  They didn't care.  I think the V.A. is simply supposed to sling out medicine as fast as they can.  Maybe I am wrong.  But it just doesn't seem right.  In my condition, then an now, I have to fight just to stand or think sometimes.  I can't allow that to be encroached, if by those who might seem to trying to be doing it for my good.  A notch down, especially from where I was, was death.  I have a bit more room to negotiate, and yet even so will negotiate in a mean sob sort of way.  I can't afford all that much.  A big part of their income comes from medicine, somehow.  Their interests are split and the customer will lose his ass if he doesn't keep his head on a swivel.  I've seen medicine crippled men toted in by their wives.  First, I don't have a wife, second, I wouldn't allow her or them to do that to me "for my own good".

Still fighting.  Mostly dead and I won't really give an inch.  Although, to be fair, I have given doctors and medicines more than a reasonable shake.  These medicines, I was told, would become easier to tolerate as well as improve my condition so as to need less or handle the effects better.  Nope.  The medicines, even after years, never really did more than add just a tiny bit of improvement.  I have wiggled that into, comparatively, a vast life... with long, mid, and short term memory that is pretty okay, the ability to focus enough to work and think sometimes, and even play sudoku with a best time at five seconds.  I couldn't have done that before.  Now, I won't ever write a novel, or a sonata, I won't learn seven languages or even recapture the three I had down fairly well to very well, I won't learn to play a violin, or put a masters or doctorate level presentation together.  But I will enjoy a relatively, even now, elevated capacity to imagine, write, think, and play.  Perhaps becoming more physical, especially if Alaska is in the cards.

I think medicine has spent it's wad.  I think it has improved about as much as possible.  I will continue taking it, due to needing a doctor script to drive.  If I get to Alaska medicine will be the first thing to go.  For many reasons, availability being one.  Though, who knows.  If I think they are helping, or at least not hurting, and a doc up there is up to offering six month scripts and a lenient refill counter, can handle being seen every few years since I'll be dumping my driver license, perhaps I could continue.  Who knows.  I keep saying it's a year off.  It's more like two years away.  So long as my license stays in play, I have a bit more time to order my life, arrange things, and get more fully ready for the road.  Then again, for a few years, it might not be bad to have wheels, too.

I dreamed, yesterday night, about fighting.  Not physical combat, but debate.  It was with Vox.  I didn't like something he was proposing.  He didn't like something I was suggesting.  We both walked from the program... for a bit.  I, for my part, realized my pride was the issue.  Not the baby with the bathwater, so some say.  I don't know his gig, he can be rather tight lipped, until he punches you.  Maybe even then.  Or I just don't hear things.  Anyway, we ended up back at the table.  Yeah.  It means I am voting for Trump, if I can hump it to the polls.  It isn't for Trump, it isn't even against Hillary.  It isn't for a broken social, or civil.  It's because the tribe has decided this is the thing to do and I am, in a very loose way, tribal.  So... yeah.

Hey, I best get on to something else.  Sleepily blathering like a darned fool.  No defense, guilty as charged.  But, then... why are you still reading?  :p  Good morning and day.

Oh, right, well?

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Hungry.  No, let me clarify.  HUNGRY.  That isn't it.

HUNGRY?

Hungry!

Yeah, I'll be eating.  Never did get to fat bombs.  Beside being hungry I am exhausted.  What's up with that I don't know.  Everything is just at least a twist out of sorts.

My mother called today.  I had called her the other day, but she was on the run.  I've learned patience.  Have any of you noted that we aren't very patient as creatures?  It's a talent, one without guarantees.  Then again if you are too patient you will end up dying in a waiting room, innit.  Anyway, I have learned to just wait a bit, and she... and others... will deal with things in their due, when they have a chance, a breath, and all.  All good.

I also contacted my doctor office, set up an appointment, and checked about medication resupply.  I did remember to request smaller doses of carvedilol, just at double the rate.  Instead of the 12.5 mg per day, I asked that it be 6.25 twice per day.  That allows me some flexibility.  I can't do 12.5 right off, far too potent.  Kicks my but.  I am not even sure I can do 6.25 mg starting.  This stuff is pretty potent.  I can do ~3.13 mg per day, for certain... splitting the 6.25 mg for say the first two weeks, then probably going morning and night?  Or did I find taking it all at night was best?  Whatever I have to do to get up to level, then keeping it there actually, is the trick.  It should be ready today, though I think I am about to crash.  I'm waiting on some things, but don't have what it takes to get ready and out.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get in.  Ugh.  At least they will be ready, I can probably just do drive-through.

I did find keto test strips, or sticks or stixs.  Are they truly useful?  Some say yes, at the beginning.  Others say the test can too easily be incorrect.  I simply don't know.  I would guess they are just as good as the glucometer type one, just much less expensive.  The only extra risk is that of getting a little pee on the fingers.  Just... don't?  Yeah.  How messed up do you have to be to not be able to be slightly careful while doing some things?  Just curious.  I think they were $14 and change for 100.  So in the cart they went.  There are cheaper ones, I just thought the price was right for, from what was suggested, quicker fixing and easier reading.  Amazon it, if you want to know more.  Keto sticks should do.

Maybe I won't eat, not proper.  Then again, I don't think I have real food at the ready.  Oh well, if that might be a good or bad thing.  Massive headache, but at least it isn't a migraine.  It's sort of rough.  I'll make it.  Later, or more likely good night, and day for your normals.  The Lord knows, I'd love to join you.  As seemingly mundane as work-a-day life is, it passes time and is a small success just in doing something.  Forget the failures, upsets, harsh realities and.... just enjoy your work.  Do what you are doing for those of us who can't.  *wink*  I thank you, when I remember to not be so grumpy.  When I can avoid being grumpy.

Yeah, I can do stupid things.

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Remember when I opened things up to blow the furnace dust out?  I then closed things.  Well, everything but the upstairs.  I was wondering why it was so darned cool.  And the furnace kept shutting down.  Right, I forgot to hit the hold button after changing batteries last time?  Anyway, with those two things fixed I might have a better chance ad being awake and active.

Many people, married folk, realize they make mistakes.  Often, or more often, however, they have a spouse or children to remind or otherwise indicate.  For someone who has difficulty, at times, being fully awake and active, and is alone, it is much easier for a mistake to just carry on for a longer time, and to impact even the chance at noticing, fixing.  All good.  Now I should be able to turn the furnace down to just 70 F while awake, and 66 when sleeping... if I keep my door closed and a fan on.  Yeah, I like it cool.  Plus, as mentioned, my room doesn't have a heat duct, and I keep a window open usually.  When I wake, 66 seems good enough, and turning it to 70 makes it almost too warm.

Oh, right.  Yes, I'll call the doctor office today, see about getting some things sorted with medicine and an appointment arranged for next month.  I really should stay up on things.  It just isn't always possible.  There is always tomorrow, until there isn't.  But, then, that won't be my problem.  I do what I can, sometimes more for a price, and once in a while I just... take a nap.  Later.

More keto information.

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Okay, here is the deal.  While trying to do keto, especially while putting out effort, it is easy to stumble.  I introduced one option earlier.  There are other options.  I have introduced these before as well.  However, tonight I will be getting busy making several different types, lemon and chocolate, perhaps some extra chocolate ones with almonds.  Why?  These, being as fatty as they are, have a chance of acting as a fire-break but to hunger.  If the body is being worked, and needs something, that is just the way it goes.  You can ignore, if usually to fail catastrophically in some other way.  Catch it early, tend it, and get back on track.  I would like to compare these to the other product.  Now, it won't, if I use it right, make it all that much easier... hunger is hunger.  What it will do is make it bearable.  Getting over one ridge, one hump, one near-death, at a time, innit?

Fasting early.

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This week is sort of a wash.  I've done little things.  These were great efforts even so.  I will continue with anything I can do.  All light, all simple, all short, and yet they do add up.

I decided to begin fasting tonight so that I could eat Sunday and be ready for the week fully nourished.  Plus I clean consumed every bit of food that was thawed or cooked!  I didn't put anything else out to thaw elsewise.  So... fasting just seemed the better way.

After a bit of research, regarding working while on keto, I found products which reputedly provide a bit of extra boost.  I can hope that, especially on long haul intermittent fasting, this could provide a great deal of help... assuming it works.  It is expensive.  I would rather figure greater efforts around the fasting than pay to play.  While not outrageous, at ~$4.22 per dose, and up to two doses allowed per day, it's something to consider.  Then again, on those days I wouldn't be eating anyway.  I would use this as a 'break glass in an emergency', if the emergencies would be smaller and more frequent.  My windows of opportunity due to health do not always allow me a choice of when.  If I can go or do, but energy is the problem, then this.  Oh, what is this?  This is this.  Is it safe?  What, in this mortal of flesh life, is safe?  For my part, I would sure like to give it a chance.  I might even consider using it for when I fall.  It is supposed to help regain the state of ketosis if the diet fails or has a failure.  I just think it's worth a bet.  And, yes, in time, I may purchase the tester.  I am hoping the price drops or I can find a device that is less expensive all around.  Even a device without the glucometer involved.  But that I'll have to wait upon, and actually earn in time by showing myself that I am doing it.

I really need to talk to the doc tomorrow.  And call in scripts then maybe pick them up.  Potassium, I am out.  Want to see if he wants to bump those or not.  Not sure if there were refills.  Bleh.  Well, and set up an appointment for next month.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I do what I can, when I can.

Later.

To stew, soup, or not.

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For years, most of my adult life actually, I stayed away from soups and stews.  At least as to cooking them myself.  I don't know about you, but if I don't cook something myself, there is a reasonable chance I won't eat it otherwise.  Then again, unless you are at a place that really does soup well, most places, and all canned soup, is terrible.

As a child I did love cambell's soup.  For a long time I thought they only made chicken noodle soup.  The one true soup my mother would make, homemade start to stop, that I truly loved, was tomato soup.  I don't know how she did it and don't currently know how to do it.  But, then, I only really loved it with crackers.  And tomatoes are high carb, or... I suspect too high... all by themselves.  My mother did make chicken noodles, but usually more as a drier meal, or over potatoes or with bread, rarely as a true soup.

As to stews?  I suppose I had those, if I wouldn't have called them that.  I would have called them more like goulashes or stroganoffs or such, when they were more fluid than might normally be thought.  I like the idea of stews, but until a recent introduction, didn't really know how to go about thickening rightly.  Heavy cream is the go to for that these days.

When I began with soups and stews, there were... problems.  The first thing, to be honest, was utensils.  A teaspoon was really too small, and I have larger ones.  Tablespoons were too large.  Yes, it was important.  If you can't quite eat a food type correctly, it is at least an annoyance... and one more reason not to make such a food.  Though, for years, while it was annoying, it was in the back of my mind.  I had to fully realize what that nagging little notion was, pull it up, figure it out, then deal with it.  I have tried several things, the one that succeeded was these utensils.  They aren't techy, they aren't fancy, they aren't even expensive.  What they are is the right tool for the job.  From thinner soups, even stock, on to hearty stews, I can finally get a proper amount of food in without feeling like I'm stretching too far or at risk of bumping into teeth... I hate steel on teeth, hate, hate, hate.

I always felt that if a few things could be handled, that I would love soup and stew.  I just, for so long, could not figure it out.  Finally, finding the right ingredients, and utensils, and learning how to do a few other things, I am enjoying these food types a good deal.  I have much yet to learn.  I have the rest of my life to learn.  I'll keep at it.

Oh, as to miso?  Since I have the powdered stock, I may try that, at the recommended strength, then play with that until I have it to my tastes, and finally learn how to make it with the bonito chips and the rest.  Why?  Well?  Because I can.  Because it is a desire.  Because it is good to learn and act on that learning.  Contemplating what might be good to eat does not a hungry belly fill.

Later.

That might have been it?

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Hungry.  I thought I had been eating rightly.  My body seemed to suggest something was wrong.  It seemed like it was telling me I was hungry.  So... I fed it.  The remaining two bigger bowls of chili.  No, it seemed to say, it meant really hungry.  Unkay.  So I decided to treat the problem.  I cooked a t-bone and four lamb chops.  Tiny as the latter are, they add up, especially with all else.  No, really, HUNGRY, my body said.  So I made a meatzza, starting with two pounds of beef, then all the toppings.  I ended up eating half of that.  No, I am not stuffed.  That just, finally, topped off the tank.  HUNGRY.  It will return.  I best get more meat out.

Don't ask, I don't know.  All I know is I was tired of whatever seemed wrong being wrong.  I am going to try to keep up on my hunger until it is tended.  If I keep up, it usually slackens a great deal, I suppose until I push too hard one way or another.  I want my hunger tended before this weekend.  As I am hoping to do a three day fast, and do R&R through it, probably starting Friday night, so that I am ready to go on Monday.  I can't make it through if I haven't tended the hunger.  And, yeah, maybe not much, but given the givens I have been pushing, a bit, in odd and end ways.  That was... two pounds of chili, two pounds of meat, a pound of cheese throughout (in chili and meatzza), and an gallon and may another half of milk.  I am even eyeing the last half of the meatzza, if cautiously.  I don't want to end up stuffed.

If I can stay up another few hours, I may make a few phone calls.  Crazy as it goes, I might be catching up.  Things to do still.  Would like to push into the day anyway.  Later, unless I crash.  If so, or either way, good morning and day.

Laying traps.

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Man, monster... woman.  There are some powerful similarities.  Sometimes the bait can be the same.  Already laid, and filled.  I heard the... cries and laments.  A trap laid well enough and the trapped doesn't even know it was a trap.  I do, I do.

Live and learn?

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Perhaps simply learn to remember.  I realize the problem with the furnace filter.  It has nothing to do with shutting down, more to do with lifespan.  The filters (the ones I use) are only good for 90 days.  Now, I don't use the furnace for... five to seven months of the year, so I don't need one every 90 days literally.  However, a change either in the spring (or more likely in the fall), then a change midseason, would really be good.  Yeah, I think a change in the fall.  But, as with today, letting it run for an hour, into the cool, to blow dust, catching that in the old filter before replacing, then replacing and letting it run for an hour into the cold.

I am pretty sure I changed the filters without needing instructions all times before.  This time I was a bit nervous about opening the panel that seemed to be the one.  Perhaps this time I was aware enough to see the warning labels?  :p  In any case, I did look it up this time.  Just make sure the furnace is off, or so I was instructed.  Good thing I looked perhaps. Still, all good.  The house has been blown out for an hour, the filter changed, and it is in the process of blowing out for another hour.  I hope that helps in many ways, especially with the allergy thing.  Dang that was nasty.  I simply don't want to suffer that for a few weeks or month, not this time.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning.  As I mentioned, if the plumbing thing goes well next month, I'll call in the heater guy for the month after that... and several of them for a solid quote on a new furnace, and probably ac too.  Ac isn't the best, here, unless you strongly humidify.  Yeah, I think I can.  Part of the quote will be to get duct work into the front rooms.  And to add ducts I can very securely shut, so as to create solid microclimates... or... sort of.

The other thing I need a quote regarding is new flooring, and perhaps sub-flooring, in the kitchen.  My great hope is to put in that type that is thick and comfortable on the feet, right on up to the back... thick rubber-like stuff that has a little give... if it is easy to keep clean.  Something that is easy to clean is my top priority, to be honest.  Then comfort, looks, and price as a modifier to each want/need.  Who knows how fast I can get any of it done.  I can't even begin speculating until I get three or four quotes.

Wonderful!  I still have a snoot spout from time to time, but better even so far.  I was hitting four to five sneezes in a row, every four to ten minutes, plus needing to empty the spout of flu juice every ten to twenty.  I'll let you know, in a few days, if this worked.  Later.

Well, I thought I was over that.

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Sleeping as long as I did, that is.  I figured a little time down and I would pop up.  A few hours.  Nope.  I slept a full night of sleep.  On the good side, other than a bit of grogginess, I do feel rested.

A few of the order items arrived.  Okay, so, eighteen inch wide heavy duty aluminum foil is probably a bit much.  Even the parchment, at fifteen inches is, maybe, a bit much.  Pricewise, per square, I came out of it like a champ.  Yeah... we'll see in the long run.  Maybe it is a good idea, if I have the storage space.  If it works out, I'll buy one more of each as backup, then replace when I run out of the main.  As well, the right seaweed for miso arrived.  I still think it's funny that American food prudies believe miso is a vegetarian thing.  I suppose some vegetarians cheat and eat fish, eggs, poultry, milk, etc., but that isn't vegetarian and it certainly isn't vegan.  Then again a larger grouping of liars and cheats I have never found.  Miso uses fish flakes for the broth, and while they will use tofu as the protein, I have met no Oriental chef or cook who limits the protein source to that.  They use what they have, what they feel like, what is available, etc... just like any chef or cook anywhere.  Only ignorant prudies (a mock of foodies) believe something has to be the way other prudies say.  They make one style of the mundane into a false holy writ.

A few more cooking devices to test... a device that is supposed to avoid spill overs, a one-way air release for my various cultured concoctions, and a few fountain pens and ink.  I have some letters to write, and a new small diary sort of book to fill.  I have wanted something to sort my ideas before I bring them here.  Both to remove certain notions from here and to make more clear some of the notions I do wish to present.  It's not like I haven't put it all here, it has been a while though.  Oh, and finally, led bulbs.  I have been unable to find real lightbulbs of any quality in quite some time.  I hate the swirly ones, and know them to be dangerous in many ways, plus the price of led bulbs has come down enough to explore.  I tested them in a table lamp that kept blowing both regular and swirly 3-way bulbs.  While it was expensive, it has already saved in lasting longer then four swirly bulbs would... five now I think actually.  While the "regular" 3-way would have been cheaper, I was replacing those about monthly, so quite an annoyance and difficult to keep in bulbs (as I live and do).

I have 100 watt equivalent bulbs in several places.  I believe I am stepping those down to 75 or even 60 equivalents.  Just way too bright for four-bulb overheads.  And I am comparing day and soft lights.  The day is bright, but it's a hard light.  Though, truth told, I rare use the overhead.  I like to have the side lighting soft and the overhead very bright.  When I want light, I want light, damn it!  Still, perhaps the softer light will still be okay, just less harsh on the eyes.  I am a cave dweller and definitely prefer dim to bright.  I suspect I can negotiate my way to just what I need and when.

Oh, and while the boxes haven't been taken down, they have been emptied, the packing material dealt with, and they have been stacked.  I plan to finish with them tonight, perhaps even stack them in the hatch for disposal sooner rather than later.  When I get caught up, unless health really takes my legs out from under me, I plan to keep up.  Yeah... which means I need to brute force the kitchen, and get it ready for a plumber.  The kitchen and the bathroom actually, will both be put in solid order.  To hasten this, I may arrange for a plumber to visit after the first of next month.  Four weeks?  Yeah, well, even giant land slugs had better be able to put a fire on in that time, innit?  The test will be, mostly, to maintain once attained.  Woot!  Got me a challenge.

Blathering?  Well, yeah, looks like it.  Later.

A strange night.

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I woke a bit earlier than I had hoped.  I couldn't really get anything going.  I haven't honestly awaken.  As a fact, I am about to go back to bed.

The sniffles, terrible, from restarting the furnace.  I am pretty sure I have new filters.  I should use one.  Though, truth be told, that doesn't help all that much.  Through the summer dust settles in there, and allergens.  While I am not prone to allergies, the vast quantity of stuff that seems to settle, then is disturbed while the house is closed for the cool, is overwhelming.  I should probably run the furnace a few times in the summer, with the windows open on a cooler night, just to keep the collection to a minimum, and change the filter, say, the second time I do that?  So much to learn about house maintenance.  Hmm, perhaps there is a better plan.

Remember, and to be fair, I am just now, and barely, at a point in health where I might have a chance on keeping up on these things.  I can't afford to have maintenance men in every year on everything.  Or... can I?  Even just at (what they say) is absolute the middle of middle income, finances are somewhat tight.  I have to watch everything.  Not so closely that I really worry, just... I can't go stupid crazy.  I am out of debt, other than the house, and like it like that.  Hydrogen, the fuel of the future, baby.  *blink blink*  Still, you know, I might start bringing those types of folks in.  After I get a plumber to set some known problems aright.  Actually, I may call and get that set up for next month.  If that expense isn't too harsh, I will call in a heater guy after that... plus call in several for a quote on a new furnace, and considerations for a gas stove to replace the flat top... or supplement it.  Curious how much a gas run would cost.  Then what?  Maybe an energy analysis?  Yeah, maybe.

But... a bit more sleep.  Not a lot, just a few hours.  I think the allergens have been causing problems with sleep.  When I wake I may open the windows, turn on the fans, and crank the furnace for a couple hours, then change the filter and do it for another few hours?  I don't know these things, but I'd sure like to shorten the allergy problem.  The last few years (don't recall well before that, remember... memory is a new thing for me) required a month of going through this.  Don't want to take that kind of time this time.  Ah, well, some research might help on the matter as well.  Yeah, it's hepa filters, though I'm not sure the system is up to them.

Later.

Rested well and long, and soon again.

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A flame, lost to time, relit in the distance.  Considerations.  Not of rekindling, that is always fail.  This shrew will not be tamed.  Still, a friend, for my part.  All I have left as such, save the one who stole my heart, buried with her and child.  With that one remains both love and some hate, anger, and some other dark things.  I hear others speak of close lost loves, but never hear such things from them.  It makes me wonder if I am alone in my feelings, or alone in my honesty.

She is turning a corner, or making the effort... to get out of debt.  I'm not sure it is possible.  That is what our relationship hung upon, technically.  It wasn't the reason, but the excuse.  I put my foot down and made demands, she refused those.  She didn't think I'd walk.  I knew what I was facing, with a woman like her, and refused.  These grounds were just to show that the soil was barren... she would never abide even wisdom.

I am attempting to turn the corner of health.  I was discussing my sleep, and she remembered how it was then... days of sleep, or wakefulness, and more sometimes.  She was a bit shocked to hear that I sleep daily, now.  If it shifts, I do sleep about eight hours a day, as a general rule.  And I am usually awake at least that much, though often to sixteen hours.  I explained it as mostly regular, just on a permanently rotating swing shift... something she knows from her employment.  There can be times where things are off, but when she knew me it was always off.  I explained that the heart medicine, while it wouldn't fix things much, it did enough so that I can begin doing things on my end... at least a bit.

With her phone on all the time, I may call her once in a while now.  For a while, due to finances, I think it was so hit and miss that I just let that go.  I let her know that, should she need something, as an emergency, she could ask.  I can't swing the world, but I can swing... a hundred, even a thousand.  Even if I can't be repaid in some cases.  I finally contacted her back.  She wrote, and sent pictures, a few months back, when my feet first went to hell.  I... didn't have good news or such so didn't want to talk or write.  Then lost the envelope so I couldn't just write.  I wasn't sure I had her number, or if it was working as I suggested, so I called, left a message, and she called back almost immediately.

I told her a bit about intermittent fasting, how I am doing it and trying to run things.  She knew about keto.  I told her about kefir, again I think, but also about probiotic buttermilk and creme fraiche.  She isn't in to washed rind cheeses, though may have had her curiosity peaked by the bean, four meat, and such cheese casserole.  And chicken confit seemed to have gotten her interest.  She is the type who won't always say, she just gets quiet when something interests her.  You have to listen for nothing, longer pauses.  Which means she is really interested, or looking at a bug on a tree.  She is a strange bird, that one.

Well... I took care of... a return contact, and with better... gooder... news.  To be honest, should I marry, I might well engage her to be a in house help.  I'm not sure she would accept the position.  Not at first.  But in time.  It would be, when it isn't a problem, an excellent situation.  She is fairly good at things when she isn't too tired.  Full time work, which is what she does, is and has been too much for her, for too long.  I think she would do well as an extra fill for housework, shopping, childcare, and the rest.  And she would have a reasonable place to live for little, a living home, not one of those dark places, tucked away, where everyone is dying.  Just a thought.

Back to bed.  As much for one final shot at evening out the rest I need as well as, perhaps, resetting days and nights.  Resetting my schedule as days are shrinking at a terrible pace is always a bit tricky.  What else is there, however, but to give it my best shot?  Good evening, and night.

Another day, one more problem?

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First, last, you decide.  California dreaming?  Oh you have no idea.  And not.

A perfect carbapocalypse.

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I had chili in the works.  Then dinner arrived... chicken and noodles on mashed potatoes.  I sample all before deciding.  The chicken and sauce?  A+  No, I'm not being nice.  Trust me.  *shark's grin*  I don't do that way.  *sideways glance, blush, fluttering eyelids*  The noodles?  If those are store-bought, they have the absolute homemade taste.  If they are homemade, they were more evenly rolled and cut that I would have thought possible.  Maybe homemade, then run through a machine?  Those put it over the top.  I know my mom put potatoes under such, sometimes.  S... t... r... e... t... c... h.  Everything, with bigger families, is about barely... it isn't even just the money.  The pots, pans, cleaning, cooking, shopping... it is oppressive.  Still, we didn't have potatoes all of time, maybe not even most of the time.  Still, it was a good add.  When you eat food like that, whether true or not, you begin to think someone likes you.  Loves you even.  Mom, sister, wife, daughter... or even some dude-kin if we don't really go there.  Uhm beer.  Huh?  Football, even though I despise and don't watch it?  Yeah...  Somethin'.

Okay, so, first course done.  A bit of time to refresh.  Then on to some chili.  Good?  I won't speak for another.  All I can say, and it is rare even for myself, is that the chili was exactly what I was looking for minus some heat.  There was just enough heat that maybe even an explorative German might be able to eat it.  Though who knows, perhaps they have expanded their ability to tolerate hot spices since last I was there.  Black pepper and horse radish were the limits of their ability last I knew.  A jalapeno would be like proverbial garlic to a vampire.  Despite it being a bit shy in that department, and something I can remedy easily, and per bowl, everything else was spot on.  Temptations.

Good again.

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Gooder, again?  Goody.

Pain has subsided.  Just a dull function, here and there.  Sleep was good, if not as resting as I had hoped.  Everything is better.  I still need to take things easy for a few days, and eat well.  Whatever I did wrong, or whatever went wrong, I or it did it well.

I have enough food out for a good three days.  Meat thawed that is.  I am going to splurge a bit, making beef and bean chili.  The beans were soaking overnight and are now set to begin cooking.  I am, this time, going to attempt planning how many carbs, roughly, per scoop, then plan that out.  I figure with that as my carbs, I can add cooked meats as extra entrees.  As well, I going to begin daily fasting.  I have nothing taxing on my schedule, I can do this.  The thing is, when the packet suggests that a quarter of a cup of beans is their measure, is that while they are dry or when they are cooked?

Well, the data contains a measure, in grams.  Currently I do not have a scale.  I should have one somewhere, probably two.  Finding them has proven unsuccessful.  So I have one on the way.  My guess is, if the label is for such and such a measure, it is for the product, in the container, as is... if assumptions will bury you, so... more digging on that.  Yes, yes, I do intend to figure things out.  I do not want to live off scales and measures and things that don't make sense, only set things up off those as I attempt to turn some things around.

I did check into protein, how much I should have a day.  Given my size, and weight, and with keto in mind, nearly 160 isn't a bad average.  Now, if I was into strength or other strenuous training more protein might be necessary.  There is too much, mind you.  But I don't add any protein other than from natural sources.  Fat rich meats, eggs, and such.  By this scale I am probably getting too little protein, for keto.  I am probably, sum total, eating too little.  For example, about a quarter of a pound of hamburger is 20 grams of protein.  On my hungriest days I might eat two pounds of burger, or a pound of burger and a pound of steak, pork chops, or lamb (a rare thing, perhaps once every ten days).  Usually I eat closer to a pound of meat, or less.  Still, if I have protein problems... overages in the body due to some organ failure or other... then I have to cut.  But given all, I am cutting.  Bleh.  Yeah, fat bombs might have to come more into play, to take the place of some of the proteins.  Or there might simply not be a way to figure that.  Then again, I am, and have been, impossibly limping by for a generation and an half (given that a generation, as I count things, is a score of years... no, not making it easy on you).

Yes, I'll... keep figuring, sorting, cooking, cleaning, at whatever pace I can, assuming I can concentrate enough, endure the pain enough, and stay alive.  I'll keep at it as if I had a reason to live of my own.  I know, the world, near and far, wants me dead.  Either do something about it, and good luck to you said as a dare, a taunt, and a threat (if the latter not from me), or get used to disappointments.  The Lord knows I have gotten used to them.  It used to hurt my feelings, if that mattered.  Now it sort of tickles, especially as many out there who my simple existence roils.  I have a gift.  I share it easily, with mirth.  Any malice must be supplied by any given applicant.  Not a wise choice, better to go away, and yet there you are.

Such a dark day.  And yet... gooder.  I hit a few boxes, lightly, before bed.  I'll do more this evening.  Hopefully much more.  Good day, and evening.

Oh, yeah, a bit of sharing from my digging.

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A couple of recipes and songs, just because.

Ketosis testing.

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I just found a device which will test both blood sugar and... ketosis.  I am ignorant about, exactly, what it tests.  Simply that it seems to be accurate, it has good reviews and I have seen it recommended (with or without quid pro quo is anyone's guess these days).  The thing is the keto strips, which are on top of the glucose test strips, are very expensive, at about $5 per.  How often should you test that?  Even once a day would, adding in glucose test strips (didn't check the price for theirs, which are probably proprietary, and possibly more expensive for the extras involved)... and, when I'm working it, I like to test blood glucose fairly often, twice a day is about right, more if there is an issue, a bit less if it seems to be leveling.  It is amazing what is out there.  It's just too bad I can't afford it.  I will look around a bit, see if there are other options... perhaps look for other, similar, less expensive devices.  Or just put it on my long term list, to watch for cost changes... not so much sales, I don't want to get roped in, and even on a good sale couldn't afford long term supplies.  Neat but too pricey.

I could have started the longer intermittent fasting this weekend but I really felt the need to eat, to repair and heal.  Along with down time and slowing down I am beginning to feel better.  In one of my haiku, I mentioned the return of salmon to their spawning points.  Often, depending on the fish and exact breed, the return kills them.  Even if the species doesn't necessarily die, it may yet for the effort and damage taken while swimming upstream.  That, a bruised inside, and even outside, is what it felt like.  A severe case of it.  I am much better if still a bit sore.

I would like to take this week a bit slowly as well.  Assuming nothing comes up.  And, should I begin feeling better, enough that I feel "out of the woods", I may begin doing daily fasting.  If that goes well, this coming weekend I will do a three day fast.  After that I will see what is what, sort that out, and either keep it weekly, or perhaps add another in there.  I just don't know.  At least with the more pressing tasks done, and the weather and season closing in, as well as a return to health, I'd like to hit it again.  Yeah, but I best get potassium and other medicines back on track and do a bit of shopping.  Extra cat food and litter as winter sets in.  Just... if I can't get out for a couple of months I will still be okay.  I worry more about the girls.  I can go without, they can't.  Not nicely.  Fierce little critters when they go feral from hunger.  Doesn't take long.  But it's more than that too.  A duty, a promise, a responsibility.  I brought them here.

There are a lot of things I'd like to work up in the kitchen.  The problem is I just don't have it going.  I need to do some cleaning, catch up.  So I will be keeping cooking to just the skillet for the most part.  I would like to make more mayo, but that is about it.

Of the dressings I made?  The slaw dressing was good.  Nothing fancy but very serviceable.  I really like the ranch, but it still seems to be missing something.  The blue cheese was a bit of a bust.  I know what some of the problem with the latter is.  The ranch?  I... hmm... I just don't think I have the right herbs and spices.  Or... something.  And it was a bit watery, if most are.  I want to tighten that for my own tastes.  I just don't care for watery dressing.  As to the slaw dressing?  I might just be missing something... something small I think.  Either that or I don't care for those as much as I remembered?  Tastes change.  Maybe I am used to it with sugar?  More vinegar?  I may ask my mother.  She is a whiz, or knows a whiz if she doesn't know.

Hmm... a few boxes, in the living room, while I watch a show?  I'm sure hungry, I wonder if I can get anything going that way?  Yeah, or sleep.

Later... or to bed.  I need to get the trash out, though I don't really have enough to cart all the way out so... I may just wait until tomorrow.  Double bleh.

First... post?

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Not here, on one of those... it's like twitter only not.  Someone who suggests they are Hitler, sort of, I guess, was suggesting that some dame was angry at him, and attacking, for eating hummus, because apparently eating hummus is Jewish.  How much was wrong with that can't be summed up fully, so I went short.  I didn't even hit all of the points.  Hummus is as much claimed by muslims as it is by Jews (I take the Jews side on this).  Still, there is that, and Hitler was a fan of islam, at least as an ally.  An Axis ally.  So I wrote something about Hitler being Jewish (which he was, in part), and wondering that they (him and "blondi") didn't know.  I suggested I'd take the hummus and they could go back to pretending.

Since I won't use twatter, and probably won't use Gab much if Hitler wannabes are the population.  Funny thing is, that is the problem with twatter, NAZIs of one kind or another.  If I have to choose one form of tyranny or another, I'll not join.  Time will tell.  Yeah, I'm a rat bastard alright.  I pretty much don't want the crap that's going on.  Though, on Trump, I wish he was half of what many people are saying he is.  I have doubts about him.  He is very similar, for the most part, to Hillary.  But before barking, so was Romney, McCain, Bush(s), all very similar.  He is simply the only politician who suggests anything about closing the border and possible repatriation.  A nation without borders ceases to be a nation.

Anyway.  As I said, I wish Trump was half what his opponents suggest.  He simply isn't.  He might go a little to the right of her, and other Republicans (no difference on major issues), on the border.  But don't expect much else.  I am also certain he will stealth install the most, worst, liberal judges.  He will be no different than her, though neither would any of the others.  Roberts is a prime example of Republican S.C. justice picks, but certainly not the only one, not even the only one still on the court.  Without a border, repatriation, and perhaps trade that actually make sense for Americans and not the global wealthy, however, there won't be a nation.  It'll just be a UN drone, as are most nations.  And look where that is getting them.

Not sure if I'll mess with Gab.  I'll check, from time to time.  The Hitler type seems to have negged my comment.  I'm waiting to see if he is in the majority or minority.  If it's his place, I'll leave them to their hell.  If it isn't, I might stay and play.  I'm not going to bicker banter.  I played my cards, they are the truth, won't negotiate.  I'm simply not into reconstructing history.  Damned kids anyway.

Later.

Box after box.

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Slow, lately.  And, yet, the work continues.  Sometimes I don't get to a box for a day or three.  Sometimes I do two, even four, boxes on a day.  My guess is I am hitting a box every other day.  It doesn't sound like much.  Given what else is going on, my condition, the weather, the need for rest, and that organization is my weakest area, I am good with that.  And there are boxes of various sizes.

Beside boxes, areas are being hit and, mostly, kept up.  Lately I have been sliding just a bit.  I think that is fine.  I think, with what else I am doing, and the slow speed of the slide, I should do alright, and catch up when I regain my wind and acclimate to the darker and cooler portion of the year.  It's a race, a slow one.  If I try to be the rabbit, as a general rule, I lose.  But if I try to just be the tortoise I can become dissatisfied.  I don't always have the choice.

The goal?  To be pretty much cleared and cleaned by spring, at least to some level.  Some things in the boxes are tossed, some are simply reboxed, some are added in with other things of their type, sometimes I just don't know.  The goal is to get rid of anything that really isn't going to help while living a bit more roughly in Alaska.  Well, and to even make sure if I keel over at some point "unexpectedly" I won't leave as much of a mess.  What about kitchen wares?  If they are organized, it would be simple for someone to go through.  Further, having my own serious kit, in Alaska, might well buy my way into at least board and keep.  I have to guess there are camps which could use an extra cook, a part time previsioner cook, especially with his own tools and else.  There might even be some light value there.  Just know, if you buy a high quality item, it is worse than buying a car.  So you best want it or it had best pay for itself in quality of foods, ease of use, or some such.

It is sort of fun, going over items I have chosen through time.  Some items were, and still are, quite good to own.  Some of these things, it is hoped, will find a better place so as to become available easily.  A set of heavy stitching needles and threads, for everything from tarps to upholstery to leather... riveters, for cloth and construction... books on many notions, if those seem to be questionable as to real use.  Still, I suppose they are a start... drawing pens and pencils, paper, and even books of anatomy both human and animal, and other sorts of design books.  Much has been purchased and is on hand.  Some of it has been used, some not so much.  Some simply forgotten, some simply not yet needed, other bits have been used from time to time.  Even in the service it was known, if an item, bauble, idea, or technique was needed, professionally or otherwise, I could solve or help solve much.  Teach or do, as a fellow or as a sailor, I was a resource.  Officers, chiefs, and my fellow enlisted knew and used this... and didn't even mind that I brought two seabags on subs.  Funny looks, but never a required reboot or unload.

Now, that could creep up on hoarding.  And, in ill health, easily does.  But that isn't the intent.  As I heal, become more rational of mind, hale of body, I am beginning to sort, store, and toss.  I don't mind having useful items.  But they do need to be organized.  As my door is open, so is my larder and the rest.  A thanks, replacement of expendables if greatly taxed, and a required request.  Don't still, take, or assume... save those I have given that right.  Still, I am easy.  Bit, now, to regain order, mastery, so as not to be a hoarder... mostly.  Well, and to keep it in order for my death.  I do have the rest of my life.  And, to be honest, I think I am only about half way through.  Bleh.  Yeah, best get organized.

Later.

Lots of sleep.

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I'm not doing much.  Knew I wouldn't be.  The pains are becoming mild, mere complaints of note.  Exhaustion remains if it softens.  Overcast skies, rain, and cool, while enjoyable to all weatherphiles, especially with a moderate level of safety, also add to being tired.  As despised as the sun can be, cursing it to shadow is unwise.  Too much, too little, both a definite bane.  Still, having things mostly tended, so as to be able to rest up... this is good.  I enjoy having four strong seasons for this very reason.  If, like a child who doesn't wish to sleep at night, the will to fight the waxing of life and function into fall and winter is just the way of it.

Of course, as with each season, and all else, acclimation and a rescheduling of life to handle the changes, will take place.  I have been doing better in winters of late.  Actually, in spite of the problems all about, I am doing much better in each season.  I pwned summer this year.  Even if I was down, it wasn't for the heat.  It was usually from doing too much and then falling.  Better.  And yet I believe I could do much better.

I dreamed of children, many, and grandchildren into their early teens.  I saw no generation after that.  Such a sad dream, for it could not be true.  I mean, it could be, but it couldn't be.  Could it?  It seems so simple and yet... not.  One woman I read was discussing an uncle who lived to his mid eighties.  He died while riding a motorcycle.  His heart just stopped.  He had gotten to middle age, and was ready to settle down, but no woman could be found.  That may or may not be the way of it.  Though I think she has some... hope that is the truth.  Women hate, passively, that men can function this way well beyond their ability.  Dark intents at the hopes of a man beyond their will.  Plus, that leaves them out, past a certain age.  Those who can't gang together, both against men who don't want them and women who can.  Now... to find one who can... with whom to join forces and set their dire will on it's head... and a few other things.  *grins... blink blink*

Ah, well, what?  I dunno.  Later.

When I get over dying, another project.

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Yeah.  I don't know what is wrong.  I simply know something is terribly off.  Cool.  I've done this gig a thousand thousand times.  I'm not actually dying.  If I were you, sure.  I'm simply not that lucky, blessed, or graced?  No offense to God.  It's my nature.  Even as I have made my peace with God, and come around to serve at the least, perhaps even joining the family at least for my part, I still am what I am.  Some would choose to suffer many sorts of hell for another moment of breath.  Some won't tolerate the slightest of pain.  I stopped living, or dying, for myself.  His will.  Amen.

Anyway.  Project?  Yes.  Oh, well, maybe not at this level.  I do not believe I could afford to have edible flowers flown in from... hmm... wherever such might be grown.  Nor do I believe I could go hunting them, and should I have that ability I would not trust my skills.  Though, perhaps, if they can be grown, that might be an option in time, just not all that soon.  It's the wrong season.  Hmm... you know... I could check on that actually.  It's not like I am going to get better all that quickly.  Those flowers look more like shoots, though they do have blossoms.  There... are tricks to that.  I do have a grow center, and grow lights.  Bleh.

Rough feel with a hard start.

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I guess I simply have to take it easy for a bit.  I've taxed my body and my innards are paying the price.  It seems they get shuffled every few days, improve, then get moved around again.  Today is a fresh resorting and I'm feeling it.  Plus I woke with a terrible bloody nose.  Although I realize, that since my friend died, I haven't been getting those very often.  I could be that I am less active, or maybe whatever was wrong with him was... slightly infectious?  They never did find out what was wrong with him, or he never passed that on.  The bloody nose, and whatever other means of blood loss he had, and the low iron... I think those were symptoms.  All I know is that since he died, I have only had, perhaps, five bloody noses.  While he was alive and I was seeing him regularly I had that many a month, at least.  Though not always this severe.

I am sore in general.  Chest, back, ribs.  I have no energy or focus.  Though it does take energy to focus.  It may just be, in large part, a change in the season... which causes me to rest more... which makes me sore.  As well, being tired for whatever reason disturbs focus.  Well, and I pushed this last week, over my body's reluctance and beyond it's ability.  Even if that is necessary, there is a price.  I keep hoping to wake one morning to find I have regained my wind.  Actually, of several sorts... I don't seem to be in keto.  I'm not sure why as I am pretty sure I am eating within the guidelines.  Maybe my g.i. has slowed along with all else?

Never worry.  Life is just what it is.  As soon as I can I will get things rigged for easier sailing, do more simple sorting while trying to 'live on air' as much as possible.  In this case, living on air means making no messes rather than eating nothing.  With my cast iron pieces in working order, and meat my main food item, I don't make much of a mess in the kitchen... if I keep to that.  It is avoiding the temptation to make something a little more involved that is the trick... at least once I get caught back up again.

Just grumping.  Might even go back to bed for a bit.  Ugh.  It's a rough one.  Painkillers down on the way down in the hopes of waking a bit better?  Yeah.  Later.

Snacks, and food more regularly.

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Well, a couple of notions are being stirred and shaken.  I know I need more food, regularly.  Further, I know I need snacks, especially when I try to push through a dozen jobs.  Too much on my proverbial plate requires more on my literal plate.  Diminishing returns, and all that, of course.  If I am doing too much, at some point, more food will not do anything but pack on fat.  The thing is I need to find the cutoffs, decide if they can be worked through to more capacity or not.  Well, and sometimes I simply don't have a choice.  I can only work when I can work, which means projects with real time limits can creep up and pile on.  Sometimes I just have to do what it takes and when I can, which means I end up doing too much.

Roast of beef.

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Nothing fancy, nothing extra.  Searing the roast on each side, well seared.  Adding water then putting it in the oven... all in a cast iron dutch oven, with a lid on for the in-oven portion.  An half hour, it was a smaller roast.  Then fifteen minutes to cool, out of the liquid.  Slice a chunk off, maybe two, then eat at leisure.  A bloody roast, delicious.  I'll probably have another piece.

While doing this, I am watching a movie.  Some sort of Sherlock Holmes mystery, a recent movie, as if Holmes had retired, was nearing his end, but wanted to clear up one last mystery, one that had eluded him.  It's a good mix.  I think I will have one more piece of roast and finish the movie.  Funny, if not in a comic sense, watching a man head into infirmity... after having walked out of that myself... mostly... comparatively.  There were decades when I couldn't... remember.  Some say I still can't.  I suspect they are merely hoping.  How many knew Christ was telling the truth and denied to His very death.  The false, when faced with the truth, are murderously fearful.  That trick really only worked with Jesus, and only because the Trinity decided to allow it... for very specific reasons.  It won't work with Christ again, or any of the mechanisms which will be put into play, even long before the return.  Or... so I very strongly suspect.

Food seems to help though.  Beef just does a body good.  I saw a vid by someone who was around my size and has lost a great deal of weight.  He is still a brute, if older.  I get these things.  I am as well.  He went his way, my guess because he had a woman and child weighing him down into 'that' direction.  Even if the woman didn't have influence... if I doubt that... just having her around pollutes the masculine.  Well, it's sort of supposed to work that way.  It just isn't my problem.  I'll stick with what works for me, and that is meat.  He went his way, and it is working for him.  Anyway, just thought I'd show the vid.  It has some things of interest in it.  Excess.  Yes, I... understand.  And I do understand, even as things stand, having no interest in sweets, carbs, cake, etc.  Like I said, when plain yogurt tastes like candy...  My tastes have reset.  If I do need to do that again.

Oh, something else he notes?  You really can't work AND lose weight at the same time.  My trick is how to hold down the house while I fast, for example.  The deal might be to do three day fasts just once a week, say over the weekend... either starting Friday or Saturday, depending on if a schedule element requires Friday or Monday.  And just, literally, take the weekend off, down.  It's brutal to try to work through that, initially.  The rest of the week, go back to daily fasting.

How about this system.

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I sleep until I can stand, I eat what I can, when I can (knowing I am not eating enough), and I do what I can when I can?  No real choice.  Might as well turn it into the dayplan.

Sleep was... sleep.  It wasn't doing a bit of good until I realized it was simply too warm.  I closed the door, turned on the ac and then hit the fan.  I finally got... some hours of better sleep.  Dreams lately, lots of them.  I'm just not catching them in memory.  There are fights and war in there, and problem solving... think detective or even engineering types, no love in one sense but some good involvements with women as... not lovers but not quite friends either.  I little more but not that much more.  Yeah, I really can like some dames.

Today?  Not much.  A bath or shower, if I can get to it.  A dry one if nothing else.  I'm still rather baked.  I have to remember to put on the ac or at least fan if I sleep during the day.  At least until it cools well, also if I forget to turn the furnace down or close that door.

What to eat though?  It turns out, no chops if I didn't mention.  A roast would be good, if a lot of work for my condition.  Hmm, though maybe not, not if I use the dutch oven in the... well... oven.  Nice thing is, I can sear it right in the cast.  Chuck has a good lot of fat, but maybe not enough.  Then again, I do have plenty of whipping cream, butter, and milk.

Well, just jotting in a note.  More to order and organize my day and life.  Be well.

Inferno.

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I am reading fairly well.  My innards still feel... very off.  I am uncomfortable in most positions, so it doesn't matter.  Reclining might be a bit better, if just for a while.  At some point that becomes bad, which makes sleep difficult.  It is like a lizard, on hot sand, shifting what is touching the painful dry lake of tiny bits so that nothing gets too hot for too long.  Only this has to do with gravity, organs, and pain.  No, nothing new.  Thankfully it just happens in spells, comes and goes.  I do well with pain and ill health.  For what that is worth.

Ah, but the book.  Some of the monsters in it I knew of well before this book.  Some where new, in my first reading.  I had been a fan of monsters, lore, and such from an early age.  Attuned to it naturally.  To some degree, no need for belief, though no complete belief either.  Monsters are real, as are angels, demons, and others.  Men can be the monsters, but they aren't the only one.  It seems, however, at this time God set this space aside for men to make their choice, or... really... for men to descend in time, on their own, unmolested save by themselves.  That's my story and I am sticking to it.

As to the damnations and such?  In here, I think of these as fiction.  While I do believe there are levels, houses of various sizes, and such, in heaven, purgatory, and hell, I just don't see devils, demons, or monsters being allowed to lord over the lost.  I suppose, at the time, it was an attempt to put some order to things.  In a general sense, I believe he was more accurate than people today.  It is an interesting read, from a time when men really did believe in sin and punishment.  I do wish more men could attend exorcisms.  I think they would have the devil scared out of them.  The problem is, those who don't even believe in sin would be a serious draw to those who possess another.  Sometimes more than one creature possesses, one of which, or even all, could pass right on to someone weak of faith, as they crumble.  It would be a grave risk.  It's a danger even sometimes to priests of strong faith.  I wonder if the pope has ever attended an exorcism?  Does he believe in them?  Just a question.  It might be a terrible risk though, too.

Well, it was certainly a book along the lines of much else I had read.  While it is mostly Christian, more heavily Catholic, it is also classical, even historical, in nature.  For as good as it is, the author seems to get some things incorrect, on a number of fronts.  Though given the nature of the writing, the length, and the various involvements, I'm not going to throw a stone, first or last, just noticing some things.  Quite a book.  I'm about half way through.  I don't remember a great deal, of the written word, but if you read here, and read it, you might well see themes and such carried in and or over.  There are bits, pieces... some smaller, some larger.  It must have touched my mind.

Well, on to something.  The internet was down for a goodly bit so I got a lot of reading in.  I'll get back to reading anyway.  Don't mind my stumbling as I write, think.  I'm rather toasted.  No, not that kind, simply mechanically worn down.  Blathering.  Forgive.  Later.

Mayo and dressings.

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I had to make mayonnaise first.  It was the base ingredient for all of the dressings I was working with.  As it turns out, I used the double batch of mayo.  I do have a good solid dose of coleslaw dressing, a large portion of ranch, and another portion of blue cheese dressing.  There simply isn't much that compares.  I know they have packets which could be added to mayo, I just don't see how that would be any different than buying the stuff at the store in the first place.  The only thing that I bought, that was not a raw ingredient technically, was dried herbs/spices.  Some might suggest the milk and cream, I simply have limits as to availability.  I even went for cage free free range chicken eggs.  Those are simply usually the very freshest, no other reason.

I thought I had lamb chops.  It turned out to be a chuck roast and hamburger, so I made a couple of hamburgers.  Topping those with ranch, and with coleslaw made a meal of it.  Yeah, that is quite good.  If I am hungry later I will make a salad.  I am not sure if I will be able to stay awake much longer though.  Then again, I might not be able to sleep for long.  The change of seasons, and pushing it in that, sure is a difficult thing.  I am hoping, as the weather settles, I might find balance.  From that point, begin ripping back into things.  But for now I believe I'll simply have to back off for a bit.  Still, it was good to get the dressings made.  Those go good on meats, have good fats, and the way I do it even have good gut bacteria in there.

I really am hoping to tinker more with food this winter.  It's a lot more fun to bake, roast, fry, and the rest when the whether is cool.  Something that has been on my mind for a very long time is a beef wellington.  I am absolutely sure some folk might even accept a portion to sample.  Oh, and I will be ordering crawdads, of a larger, greener, and ocean going sort this coming month.  Some to eat with butter, some to add to another dish, perhaps, and some to share out.  Yeah, it works well.

Later.  Or good night.

So they say.

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True?  Not.  Time tells all.  Still, in the spirit of the moment, for those who want to believe, a little music.

Oh, I get it.

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I don't fully understand.  Of the various sorts, just what constitutes belief, understanding, and rightness.  Are lambs allowed to be totally ignorant, or is that a failure, and at what point does one become the other.  Among wolves, former wolves, sheep-dog, and shepherds... are these also allotted differing levels of understanding, and, again, at what point does knowing but not doing, or choosing ignorance in spite of what should be easily seen, become an issue of soul damage or destruction?  I tell you that I cannot know.  I can tell you that I strongly suspect.

If you know something is a sin, and you choose to ignore it for your sins rather than deal with your sins, that is beyond the pale.  Even a quid pro quo wink and nod is second death worthy.  Not dealing with the sins of another, even to be falsely kind or non-judgmental, is wrong as well.  Forgive, but at some point, if publicly sinful, you have to turn your back.  If you don't, then you support the sin through the unrepentant sinner.  But there are areas which are difficult to understand.  How much does another know?  Some are plainly ignorant.  Other seem to know and not care.  Thankfully, final judgment is not my job.  I'll leave that, happily, to another.  Although I will choose according to my understanding.  I will not participate with those who live scandal.  If that is a scandal in your book, I happily part ways.  Though with warning.  Choose wisely.  Living with the reality of ticks and fleas, but fighting it, is not the same as embracing ticks and fleas.  I know it can be tricky, but... it isn't.