Waking to a severe bloody nose.

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Awake far too early as well.  A gusher, woke out of simple need mechanics, turned  into a full flight with a handful of gore, trying to get something to stopper the flow before my meager giant paws filled.  Only made it by the teeth on my skin.  No, I know how most say it.  My way seems more reasoned, to me.  Or at least as reasoned as the other way, only a different way.  Ugh, may already have to change the plug... one sec... better.

On the good side, I woke with quite the dream.
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In the dream I had been living in a seacondo.  In my case, it was an two-story air-pocket dwelling, about 35 to 45 feet below the surface of the water.  Through this or that method, the demense could be invisble, as if part of the sea, appear as an air bubble, or be made to appear as a large rock so as to offer varying levels of privacy.  One could always see out, not always in.  Water pumps and air blowers, a primary and secondary security zone, and a few other fiddlies to make the magic happen as safely as possible.

Just the setting.  Fresh fish and crustaceans, of course, if natural toxicity was a cap.  Twice yearly blood panels, if you were on it.  Fruits and veggies easily grown or purchased from the float-vens.  Still seeking better names for things like that.  How to be brief, simple to understand, and not too odd.  Floating vendors, float-vens?  Perhaps the term would stick, stuck without a good option.

A couple started visiting occasionally.  They, to me, seemed to be seeking a place to stay, but would not ask.  I broached the subject.  No interest in anything, just an offer of occasional light visitation.  Sometimes we would cohabit.  There were privacy measures within as well, I presume for just such events, if even man and wife like privacy from one and the other and not just rarely.  Sometimes I would go visiting while they stayed.  They weren't a burden, simply they reminded me, vicariously, that there were other places to be.

I enjoyed their company, as if siblings, having no romantic interests or curiosity.  They, through half a decade or more seemed a stable happy as it goes couple.  I didn't see the change.  Maybe there had always been a problem, it hadn't included me or otherwise been made apparent.  Jealousy?

In the end both came to accuse me of an affair with the other.  What madness could this be.  They were always together when I was near them, or more precisely they were near me.  More, I didn't visit them as the previous comment suggests implicitly.  I had nothing but kind feelings for them.  At first it was mild teasing accusations, then terser jabs, leading to...

She visited one day on her own.  Well, her and a pretty little .38.  Angry.  Accusing.  I tried to reason, she was having none of it.  Eventually I was introduced to her dark blue intent.  I was sure I was dead.  We were in the patio area, which is flooded to the waste as a preliminary exit area, the water being a warning, if also a relaxing nook in which to read, eat, or entertain.

She didn't see him approaching.  He had something in his hands, something... colorful.  Amends?  Flowers?  Moving.  She said something, something I couldn't make out for the background event unfolding and that when my attention was brought to bear more proximately it came to roost upon the yawning hole through which speedy pain, maybe death, might quickly fly.  What, I asked.  My mind trying to keep up while losing traction from too much confusion and danger.  I did not tell her about his approach.  I decided to let him make whatever play he intended, in hope of a better outcome than the one obviously before me.  She was still talking, a good thing, I thought.  I still couldn't hear, understand, her.

She stopped talking.  She became pale, then limp.  She lost all expression, the hand holding the revolver drooped, slightly sounding as it struck the glass table.  I feared it would just go off.  It ended up released, falling to it's side, as it's mistress slid off her chair to be floated in the waste-deep water.  A pretty woman in life, with a ghostly, spectral beauty in her newfound palor and quiet somehow relaxed state... The movement of the water returning the appearance of some sort of life to her.

The horror, seeing one so pretty, and loved, gone before my eyes, even with all that lead to it.  My mind arrested from too much insanity, nothing made sense.  Then he stepped from around her.  Poisonous creature in hand.  He suggested he couldn't let me have her.  I pointed to the gun, attempted reason, failed again.  He let it go.  It was coming right for me.  I was frozen, not so much in fear as exhaustion, pain of loss, and... something else... several other things?  I lost to the moment so will never know.

Half the distance toward me, something happened.  A small wave, or was that caused by it turning.  He was as frozen as I remained.  So fast!  He resembled her.  In moments I first lost the faith of some of my closest friends, then had my life threatened  in two different ways, then lost those friends.  Perhaps, some day I will know why.

Between standard evidence and the thrdee home security, police quickly allowed me to mourn in solitude.

For a friend.

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Why that note?  Who knows.  My job, if I should accept, is to match right music to like notions, as I see things.  Unless the music is aimed well, at my heart, as oft lately.  Then I play, show, tell, hope, and pray... or prey?  I... hope you enjoy.

Talk about a kiss with a fist.

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Hmm?  Oh.

Well I never!

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Such... feedback?

Could one of her possibly get it.  Are they ganging up on me, for good, or ill?  Sons of dragons have our ways, for good or ill.  What?  Pops, in specific places and orders.  See for yourself, think of it as you will.  The first three, the others are a return volley.  Check and mate?

Thinking on a few things.

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Some of what I wrote, this way or that, and sentimental notions.  The lyrics of a song matched, and fit tears from several womenfolk.  Not 100%, if it rarely is... close enough it is hoped.  I, life, can hurt.  And yet there is more to it.  Cheer up?  Here is hoping you can.  Several of you.  Fall, and the fall of life... the Lord knows I know.  That has been my world most of my adult life.  Pro tip?  When all seems to fail?  Relax into it.  Maybe have or go for a treat.

Waking can be so rough.

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I had meant to have the trash and recycling at least ready to go, possibly to the curb, last night.  Didn't happen.  It has been rough lately.  Sitting, gaming.  Would be sleeping if not for gaming, like it or not.  Being haunted isn't too bad, actually reminds me of good times, the value of love, even reminds me that I am still loved.  Even those who reach out as their time draws near, kin or other, it is good to be with them in a way few can.  Death is a terribly lonely thing, how well I know.

While awake, getting to simple chores doesn't work exactly as hoped.  Still, I often get to it in a reasonably timely fashion.  To deal with waste today I had to rise before I was really ready.  I had thought the bins full to overflowing.  So I pushed my way up and out.  After gathering all, as I was putting the bags in the bins... next to nothing, just the few, anemic, bags I had just attempted to fill.  Not worth dragging to the curb.  My change in diet involves a lot less packaging, and less shopping as well?  Dunno.  Still, my conscience is clear on the matter for now.

I would love to return to bed.  It isn't possible.  I used too much psychic force waking to undo.  As well, I need to hold days for a bit longer.  A nap, in a bit, perhaps.  Later.

I know a hiss when I hear it.

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I remember this one well.  A haiku song, the first time?  I'd have to look, not up to it.  I believe there was a difference of opinion as to what was truly signified.  A strong independent woman, or some such, on the other side.  A woman damned to solitude, deluded by her trust in her own beauty and favor by other women... or some  such.  I let it go, maybe even playing fool for her notions.  Don't have to grind the truth until they cry, not every time.

Not sure if this is a jab, as if her notions were correct, by her or another, just a recall, or algo's digging the dead.  Dunno.  If it was meant as a taunt, I do feel for you.  I even feel bad for having to believe, pronounce, the truth... that it stings.  Get myself often enough, if that helps.  Good night in any case.

A night full of dreams.

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Three of which stuck until morning.  I'll try to put them down, they seem to be fading.  I can no longer recall the order so will start with the most complex.

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In one dream, I was setting up a date with a girl from school.  I didn't want my mom to know.  Not because I was planning anything serious, it's that parents, and siblings, can be nearly ghoulish, harsh, in their teasing.  I think this was very roughly based on events and feelings from the seventh grade.  While I had already had sex, several times including a short affair, I was trying to restart with girls, to figure them out and start right, start over, quietly and on my own terms.

Family can tease, but some girls are rather intense by that age too.  It's a tough racket, trying to start over.  The world and all are against it.  The world became a puzzle.  In parting anything from a bed to a closet, as if full-sized three dimensional puzzles, I also had to learn how to put it all back together.  Because of our unique understandings, there ended up being multiple ways to deconstruct and rebuild any object my curiosity lead me to explore.  However, if I was too unique in my approach, I learned, others could tell both with what and how I had been involved with the world.  A risk because of teasing and all.

It turned out that I could fool most of the people most of the time, just not all of the people all the time.  My mother started piecing it together.  Done so well at first she saw it as standard life.  Then the patterns became clear.  Some trepidation, at first.  That level of concealment often wasn't good.  So she started tracking from the shadows.  When she realized what and why, she was well pleased and let it go, and stopped teasing in general... mostly.

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The next one dealt with being me, but not.  I looked like me, but to my watching eyes, I knew it wasn't me.  I, or who/what was passing as me, was driving through a forest in some valley.  Huge trees had been felled, by the weather, strong winds.  I bound them in chains and was somehow able to tow them.  A short distance on , I met a proper logger.  I turned them over to him, if I think some evil was about to befall him, from my doppleganger, evil twin.

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In the last, I met a rodeo rider who was in decline.  Somehow I was able to help him return to his best, and then some.  He became the champion for the next five years.

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There were more dreams, and the last two had been much fuller.  Still, that should do.  Later.

A nap, a dream, and a strange song upon waking.

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I could  not remain awake.  It seemed late for a nap, choice was not in my hands.  I seemed to sleep so very long, to my mind, that I attempted to sleep on through to some version of tomorrow.  I failed.  Waking, I looked at my clock. It suggested 7:30 something.  Couldn't be.  It runs as a 24-hour device, which... not possible for me to have slept that long, was it?  After a bit of confusion I checked again... 15:20 and change.  Don't ask, I simply don't know.  Wakeful dreaming, or perhaps I hit the button to show the alarm time?  Let me check that...  What a relief, 7:30 alarm and it is easy to bump that button.  As to why I thought I slept so long, however, I don't get.  Sleeping almost half the time of a usual nap.  Ah well, I'll chalk it up to free sleep, somehow.

I that mess a dream.  A women became... close... friends.  She seemed to wish for more.  Between doubting my own lying eyes, wanting to doubt, and concern that she might not understand fully, I had frozen any advancement.  Finally, frustrated, she just came out and asked.  She read here that I considered 30 to be too old, which to her meant I was looking for a youner woman to marry.

I had to laugh.  Aye, I had indicated that, true.  I failed to suggest all though.  While 30 was too old, it is also too young.  A... bit of a binding trick, one I never thought would be tested.  I, that is all I remember.

My video queu has again died at youtube.  Or quit for the last three days, as it has been for months, perhaps a year or more.  It's what they do to the politically incorrect, I assume.  From time to time something(s) sneak, or burst, through.  Even so, a song new to me popped.  The name, after recent songs and notions, plus the dream?

End of all hope?

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Not quite as it may seem.  Merely that things are rough and unlikely to improve.  Politically, socially, medically, and some elses.  Worldly hope is what is troubled.  Then again, living in a world at a time when death is the rule, even by one who has trounced that rule... for a time, worldly hope should always be slightly humble to a tongue in cheek thing.  There are times, however, like now, when the raw corruption is layed bare through McCain and the rest of his kind.  Not sure if he is playing spoiler for the team (actual single party rule) or if he is actually betraying the party.

Doing a bit better, in a way.  Resting has helped, medicine has both taken and given if that seems to have me in the black, doing more good in my preferred ways than not currently.  I am pushing for dishes today , and mild sorting in several rooms.  I held the schedule for today, and hope to keep it as I may.  I have a few tricks, if it is all temporary... so I have to use it soon.  With fall then winter, sleep will come to resemble hibernation.  Not a terrible thing, if life is tended.

Garlic? It was a bit stronger.  Actually the cloves sliced in simply roasted without imparting much flavor.  I can't really taste them when eating the meat with them in.  However, if I spot and remove them, most have browned to a carmelized form.  I'll try a whole head of garlic next time?  Well, and do some research.  It's fun.  Frustration and failure are the sauces which are laurels and flavor enhancers for eventual success.

Good morning and day.

Garlic!

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Don't believe all you hear.  I love garlic, in spite of some tales.  Then again, if some had power through time, wealth, access, and true cause for fear, wouldn't they misdirect?  Of course.  :p  I have been trying  to infuse it into pork and beef using fresh cloves.  There is something about fresh, if annoying to prep, which really is better.  If you can get the flavor to shine through.  I have, thus far, failed.

This time, on a beef roast, I am using an half head of garlic, placing slices in during the hour used to bring the roast to room temp, while letting salt and other spices juice through the meat.  Last time, I think, I used half as much garlic and put it in right before placing the roast on the grill.  I am also adding several dashes of powdered garlic and halved onion.  Really good stuff if you learn to eat right.  I am hoping for a stronger fresh garlic flavor.

If this doesn't do it I will begin researching the topic, then experimenting.  Roasting garlic itself, while a treat, more so when nearly candied, doesn't give what I am seeking, it tames the garlic.  I am seeking bite.  I'll let you know as results become known.  Trying the butternut squash while I am at it.  The acorn squash turned out very well, if you hadn't read.  Hmm, maybe a can of buttered veggies too?  Yeah, when I next check, flip.  Later, or good night.

A possible sense of things.

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Well, yes.  It needn't be true.  If it is, so be it. Today, next week month year decade century or more, in it's time, as men choose, it will be.  A friend none want, a template only fools will resemble if for the weakness of virtue in the men who remain who claim virtue as a good.  Never mind, here.  A sense in the air.  Personal or universal, perhaps both.

Later each morning.

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After weeks, months perhaps, stuck in the third, graveyard, shift, movement was developed. That was required to allow registration, tags, license and all to go forward.  Now the movement continues, two to three hour shifts from daily to once every three days.  If I could I would get to business today.  Still in recovery, probably not until the middle of next week, if that means the need to reign in the schedule change as well as possible.

Breakfast, a sliver of pork rib and potato.  I should get eggs and salsa, out of mom's.  Won't be as good, but the local store-made stuff is usually decent.  Even eating much more regularly, if my foods, and being inactive, I am staying 20 pounds below what had been my average for years... down to 260ish.  All good, if another 20 to 40 wood be gooder(tm).

Such strange and powerful energy in the world.  Not sure if it is a personal thing or if the world is coming undone as well.  Though, with the storms, rumblings from below, politics both domestic and foreign, pause must be given, as I see things.  As a general thing I am rather pleased with President Trump.  While he is a damnable liberal, he is one of the few, on either side, who actually loves, and believes in, America and Americans.  Best to give that man some serious room, and help remove the anti-Americans impeding a return to America First.  Our peoples didn't work hard for a world socialism or to be sold as slave labor to globalists.

Time to figure out my day.  Prayers and good will.

Such... horrible wonders.

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Was it a daydream, memory from darker days and times well gone done and buried, or a strange perhaps final gift... to make the loss more bearable in some way?  I can't always see through those fogs, I can't always know.  The notion, then a music video populating to allow others understanding if in a tongue I don't, or no longer, have acquaintance.  The visuals should suffice.

Unnerving.

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Doing my best.  My best isn't good enough.  Transferring money from one bank account to another, both being mine, it being electronic, I thought it would be quick.  Five days!  More, I was already late.  I was so busy with license, tags, staying awake, the memories, I suspect, of a dying lover, and the confusion that caused another that this task fell out of sight.  Due tomorrow.  Wasn't even sure I could contact anyone at the bank, it being a bank, in Iowa, and this late here.

When it hit, I nearly quit.  Instead, in a nanomoment, I turned heel and charged.  A call, plus finding my account data, while trying to maintain calm.  An answer, a review, a transfer, then another set of questions, and another transfer.  The last one didn't sound as if it would go through.  A few tense moments and...

Answered.  A message service?  No.  Real, live.  But could anything be done.  Got it.  All good, I believe.  A call when it arrives, if I don't call first.  I need to turn off all auto payments, then put some of it into savings.  *shrug*  Do your best.  If you have failed?  What do you have to lose?

Nerves are just a hair frazzled.  But?  I'm loving it!  I miss the good old days.  These moments will have to suffice.  Good day, ladies and gents.

Difficult last few days.

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Exhausted.  Waking has been difficult, focus impossible, troubled.  I have a list of things I'd really like to hit.  Yes, I realized earlier in the week I would need rest.  I didn't realize it would be quite this deep.  One phone call today, dishes if possible, perhaps more.  No guarantees.  Writing it here ups the odds.

Grilling has eased the food supply.  Making enough for nearly a week, and change often, in such a way that there are fewer items to wash.  While that means most meals are, essentially, leftovers, reheated or even cold, with the right foods that isn't awful.  Better as I can eat quickly, and when I am able to eat.  As the temps drop, grilling becomes more difficult, using more charcoal, taking longer, as well as requiring extra clothing.  Still, I will attempt to use this as my main cooking system even into the winter.  Lowering the food, through various means, to get it closer to the heat, might make it work, or not.  It is good to only need to cook once a week or so.  A bag of cowboy coals lasts a couple of months, at least in warmer months.  Even a bag a month wouldn't sting, not for the benies.

I will be making a list of various things to do, perhaps prioritizing, and what exactly and how to do those things.  It helps.  A woman often is good for this sort of thing, if you can get her to tone down her badger instincts.  More beaver, less badger, trust me.  *shark-toothed grin*

Well... on to whatever.  Still trying to shake life into or out of these bones.  Later.

So much feedback!

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Too much for a summation.  Not all of it is correct, as I see things, which would make full inclusion problematic.  Instead I will paint, with videos and music...  a final note.  Believe as you will.

Slept in.

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It was 7:30 when I finally woke for good.  I was up at 23:00, 3:30:, then 4:30 before, each time my body initially claimed it was morning, time to rise... a very unusual set of circumstances, I might even declare it unique, singular.  No worries, I was able to return to sleep easily, quickly, fully.  I feel rested, or as good as it gets lately.  I would like to understand anomalies better, even more distinct ones.

I set up for waking, then on to morning matters.  Returning, the phone, somewhere, was sounding.  While it wasn't found in time to answer, it was close enough for a successful return call.  As expected, mom.  Called her on the weekend, didn't get through.  She is now on the Doom call-back program (when and if the hell I want and/or can!).  No worries.  I, for one(obviously), get it.  Just a checkup.  All good.  Sounds as if she has been crying... vicariously.  I wonder if an acquaintance is agrieved?  Or just a mild vocal frog?  Some days can just be blue, too, without reason or warning.  Still, good time to call family, even if not to share all.

I have enough tended, more quickly and painlessly than hoped, to begin a push towards the last efforts.  I need to do a money shift from one bank to another today.  Almost lost track of that.  Then to rest and prep for travel.  I... have other plans as well.  Friday travel?  Monday?  I don't know, soon.  I'll do what I can as soon as possible.  Tired, in pain.  So what!  Things to do.

Good day.

One more.

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Someone recalled something relating to the rebuttal.  The mistaken one.  I'd have to call it a bull's-eye.  Had a chuckle, as with my first intro, then use.  Don't take it bad, just... what was, was.  Got, gave, chose, and lost.  Happens, to the best of us.  Oh, right.  This one IS for you, without malice.  And... a few others.

Yes, some of the plan. Plus feedback.

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A check, on medicine.  It was in, loaded, and ready.  A shower and good shave first.  I really wanted a nap but that timed out... either a nap and nothing else, plus maybe destroying my hard won day schedule, or just bull through.  I can't always do my druther.  Today it was done.  First to the post office, mail and a package. It has been in a while, I think?  Got it.

The rest was short and easy.  Meds by drive-through, groceries with a short list.  There were some good prices on a few non-list but preferred items.  I should have enough for most of the month.  I shouldn't do donuts, it's been a while since I have even had carbs, mostly.

Return responses?  Yeah.  The first two are things viewers brought, as I perceive.  The last is from one who thinks this was about her.  It wasn't, really, AA.  Still, I... didn't like it, then chuckled.  She definitely fights like a girl and doesn't quite get it, on top of being wrong.  Still, love the spirit!  At least once I got over the... weird factor.

Only Tuesday?

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It seems as though weeks have passed since Sunday.  Unable to do much.  Stuck, again.  And with someone haunting my space.  Dealing with living ghosts is easier.

I told you.

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Response:

Got a live one.

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Never sure.  Did something I viewed trigger an algorithm?  Did someone dig into past posts, and do the same?  Or is the ghost of a past or spirit of a still living woman I have known simply become a ghost in the, or my, machine.  I have known some very strange dames.  Is there any other kind though?  I suppose there is a spectrum, of which my women have always stretched, one way or another... if my nature probably enhances.

I do believe this event to be several of my former lovers, or one with serious lingering desire.  I have been psychicly blind for a bit.  It might seem a large bundle, all at once, but not be.  No, as the music, only some of which will be aired to save confusion... as much as that is possible, all appeared at once.

(So few get that the past, even the false, can be true in confusion.  Once that is cleared?  Even so, even false and known as such?  It still was, in a way, a form of history.  Denial of what was, or was perceived, is no more right than the fullness of the false itself.  Much as the mistakes of early mathematicians and physicists are better remembered than denied.)  Still, I will attempt to... keep it more easily followed.

This one bothered me at first, at once.  I thought of witchery, magic, of the female sort... all bad.  Then I looked again.  It was death, of several sorts, fates and maybe the ages  of a women, contesting, debating, or perhaps merely playing their, often, sad parts.  Her part was passive, not quite final, with a dark awakening even so.

Okay.

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Beautifully brutal.  I got the trash and cat litter dealt with, then nap crashed.  I, until the last post, couldn't steer to either, heading right for the middle.  An empty crash was becoming likely, perhaps bad enough to ruin my day schedule.  It happens.  I think posting saved my bacon.  Part of why I do it.

Doing the work allowed me to get in and nap before it became too late.  Which allowed me to be awake in time to realize some things had been missed, things which really needed to go.  The nap helped enough that the work , little as it seems to you, was easy enough for me.

Now, ribs are grilling.  As well as squash.  Squash?  It is an experiment.  This is an acorn squash.  I have another and a butternut (if memory serves) for grill trials.  A shower and hopefully shave this time is next.  Then?  Feeling much better.  Dealing with the trash and the nap, combined, soothed what was ailing me.

The squash was quite good.  I think if one avoids burning the skin or drying it out too much, you can't lose.

Strange music has been haunting, without... effort, of thought or action on my part.  Brewing an exposition and response, maybe separate or a mixed two part post.  So little energy, even for the things I love to do.  Love?  I... am not sure I love noticing patterns, then attempting to carve thoughts from them, it is simply what I do... almost a need, only sometimes, in the kinder and gentler themes, usually, is the work a joy.  Those are rare moments, as reality here and now is harsh and will only get worse until He returns, and then some.  In part it is why I played sudoku regularly and with intensity.  Sharpens pattern recognition.

Later.

Not the best.

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Not the worst.  Frustration returns.  I am able to have a regular day and night.  Getting enough sleep too, if it doesn't always feel like it.  The change of season might be it.  I wouldn't mind if I didn't have things to do.  Naps, every morning and for a while.  Things have to be done, soon.  Trash out, mail checked, more.  One today the other tomorrow, not much choice.  Later.

That was fast.

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Moreover it worked!  Still a bit tired.  Having both started medicine recently, still in some form of multiple recovery, and having pushed things this last week at least for the shape of my condition, going with being tired is reasonable... even a pleasure.  As little as it may seem, sometimes...  God knows.  Thankfully.

Met a woman while out last time.  Conversed as is my nature.  A few links were found and explored, not flirtations... can tell when a woman is cautious due to being in a certain stage of love... shortly after the first blush stages and while the enormity of it all is settling in.  Not married, to a local lad, living together.  I was saddened.  Oh, I have been so much worse, if for many dark and hard reasons... right or wrong.  It probably won't hit her until she is pregnant... or beyond that function (or nearing the end).  It will hit.  To see either the hate or grief in the faces of such women, at their end and without fruit or even a man often, is as terrible as anything I have ever seen.  I left with advice.  Make it work.  And a prayer.  No different than homosexuality, sin is sin.  She is one of the prettier ones too.  I called it the modern way, which she liked enough to claim for use with their unhappy parents.  I have sixty, plus, of her in my bone pile, and six kids I have never seen, that I know.  I... wish I could teach from my failures.

The other day a post was written, with the word "odd" in the title.  Didn't get to the things being considered when the title was developed.  Medical.  This last week has been a success in taking medication.  Not odd, but strange things surrounding it.  Not needing to wake to void... not going as often and yet having no swelling of the feet during the day... a few other things, like no added exhaustion with the meds, and on full dose into this week two of restarting.  Just odd, mostly in good ways, if the feet have worsened, a bit, again... no rhyme, reason, food, or medicine seems to control well for that.  I suspect there are at least two different causes for that.

On to waking.  Again.  Later.

(This post was actually started an hour and small change after the last post.  Didn't get posted as I was attempting to capture, edit, and post a picture (of God Creates Adam, in the Cistine Chapel (all spelling and exacitude questionable)), which obviously failed, this time, for now, etc).

Fierce headache.

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Waking to it, was not surprised.  Through the night I struggled to find a comfortable position, failing every time.  It happens, if this time could have been avoided if I had been able to wake a bit more, somehow an extra pillow got under my head.  I keep several extra for rotation, to balance appearance, and other uses like leg elevation at some times.  Not so much a health thing, that last, just a rare comfort thing.

It's not a migraine, if it is strong enough to have some of the features.  Mild nausea and light issues.  Strong aspirin and maybe back to bed for a bit.  If I think I can sleep through headache without messing to much up, I will give it a shot.  Hmm, yes.  Life has been somewhat painful lately.  I don't wish to fuss with more today.  Later.

Do naps help?

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Sometimes, is my vote.  For it to help, without causing other issues, certain things must fit.  It can't be too late in the day.  Too early and it isn't a nap, a return to unfinished rest, different issue.  It can't be too warm or cold.  Though it is difficult for it to be too cold too sleep, if it is below some ill-defined and changing temp waking in a timely fashion so as to term it a true nap may not happen.

Yes, a nap this morn.  No choice.  While sleeping I became a bit depressed. It seemed as if I had slept far too long, messing up the weeks of effort to get my days and nights sorted.  Even so I couldn't force myself awake, even to check the time.  Turns out the nap ended being exactly optimal and normal, timewise.  Bruised a bit by the worry though.  Oh well.  Not sure how much it actually helped, some I believe.  No choice in the matter in any case.

Beans are done, a burger hash with some of it has also been cooked.  I am mastering beans.  Humble as they might be they are fine and inexpensive, greater still they give me no gas especially as I learned to make them properly.  Add in beef, a mild masala of my own design, and it passes humble cuisine muster with grace.  Add a dollop of sour cream, cheese, and a dash of finishing salt and it begins a journey towards haute cuisine.  Homemade creme fraich and a sprinkling of fresh minced or sliced chives and you would be home for certain.  I do my best.

Work doesn't seem likely.  The want is there, the flesh is exhausted, even with the nap, beyond reasoning with, numb.  No worries.  It saw me through a harrowing set of recent events and holds promise for more, if in it's time and terms.  I can live with that, and gratefully.  A shower, shave, and trash and recycling together and out are on the menu even so.  I'll lean into those if needs be.  Other than those, rest is fine.

Later, or not.  Good day in any case.

Truly?

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Top of the morning to you?  Of Course!  Even on my worst day I don't begrudge my enemy a good day.  Good days, dark options, and blood in their tears provide an opportunity for another way.  But you, most of you, most of the time, aren't my enemy even so.  And, when you are, and happen to visit, do I not seed your tears with blood?  So it is.  That isn't, any of it, the point.

In my shape, with all that is still problematic, that I still have cheer, which I do.  Simply hoping a smile through toil and pain, unforced and without any ends other than to exhibit a joy for life, might be worth explaining, pointing out, sharing.  I can't do much for folk, am often enough a downer-debby.  A spot of light without too much blood and pain in conjunction is hoped to be welcomed.

Again, top of the day, morning, to you.

Beans are on the boil.  Soaked overnight.  Boil?  No, not any more... simmer.  That and burger will be the main of my food this week, if in part because I burned other meat.  While I won't need to starve, I will need to be of some serious care with each penny.  Food like this stretches coin greatly.  Then I can do part of what I suggested last month more easily.

Dishes today, another shower, counters and stove, plus the trash arranged and readied. What all of that though today?  If all, I may add a few things tomorrow.  Next week is for social security and collecting dry trash, going through boxes, tossing everything from books to asunder home goods.  That will go hand in hand with the seeming abandoned effort to clear wall space in the rooms.  That... the purpose of it too...  I had more intense things come up.  Haven't given up on that, the timeline is simply longer.

Yes, good morning and day.  Later.

More.

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The goal.  Less.  What has been done.  A few calls, plans for a bit more based on the calls, probably yet today.  No travel until Monday and a call, just to be sure.  It looks like requested medication may have gone through.  Will check with them soon.  On the good side, I am not as lean as I had feared.  Financially.  I can eat.  I can... do... as needed, perhaps wanted to a lessor degree.

It is a ponderous day.  My feet, in many ways, are as clay.  A price was due.  Hopefully some efforts can still happen.  It's a grace to still be able to want, know to, try.  Not my grace, save as a gift.  The Lord knows I am doing beyond my limits, feeble as it might seem.  I've wanted a nap since 9:00.  It simply got too late before I could nap.  Not willing to mess up sleep.  Holding off until 17:00-18:00.

Now work today.  Tomorrow, changing sheets and cleaning  under the sink so as to get a new faucet and drain plumbing installed.  Not much more this weekend.  Ugh, so tired.  Later, or good night.

So odd.

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Couldn't sleep until well after 20:00, nearing the next hour.  Woke a bit after 1:00.  I'll pay for it, not a choice.  The excitement, and working past the real or perceived dangers flooded the bod with certain chems.  I used to jones for those... an adrenaline junky.  Attempts have been made to restrict that diet and end the dark life which was required for constant resupplies.

Never my choice, save that I refused the pecking-order(tm), would take a knee to no other boy or man, save loosely organisationally as in employment, respect for reciprocal teachers and coaches, et al.  Bullies, bullyboys of the system, the raw system itself, in the smaller and larger writs, all mean, combined and separately, to break people.  Women, females, are favored by that system as they are born broken... subservient, fearful, weak, easily swayed by waves of real or artificial virtue signalling... to be held as templates for boys, men, in the new Babylon.

Those who refuse leave, find our own way.  We also pay a handsome fee in many ways.  But I tell you it is a grander life.  By the way, though... if you aren't strong enough to be a free man here?  Heaven... won't be what is hoped.  Both attempting too much freedom, and surrendering too much, can lead to darkness.  Still, if heaven awaits?  As above so below, and in this case, the obverse.

As a payment for running the gauntlet I should have travel as a fearless option again... or shortly.  Too, some decent amount of stress has been lifted.  The body feels better without all those psychic tics and fleas.  Now to not only scratch at the others but be rid of them sum total.   I'll check on meds today.  I was told doc won't do refill orders?  Wha?  If it was painpills, sure.  But heart medicine?  I don't know about him, but with so many docs tossing narcs like candy, having a doc who won't keep vital refills on order?  It's a mad, insane, world.  I won't play games.  If I don't have clear safe semi-private access to medication, without a doctors boot on my neck, I'll quit them or find a new doc.  This isn't rocket science, a social call, or a negotiaton.

Why is this so difficult?  Ah, right... refusing to sit to pee.  Gotchya.  I hate when I meander into my own lesson target area.  I suppose that is... part of the point.  *shrug*  Housework, today.  This time for real.  Later, good morning and day.  *taps tophat brim to gain your focus*  *tips hat, bows head ever so slightly while angling my face to a quartering degree, wearing a foxlike grin*

While they weren't watching.

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I snuck out after suggesting other plans were in play.  I suspect if they realized I was going out, and why, I would have ended up with tickets and a court date... at least.  I do believe the shove is on to force me out, break me, or worse.  Can't blame them, just wish they would do it honesty.  My size and no witnesses would easily go to self-defense.  That isn't how the left works, but it's the only real way for some types.  If you really want us gone.

Inspection and tags, then paperwork to the doc, for to keep my driver license, all very late.  Was going to buy nerve tonic and groceries with what might be left.  Overheard a young mom, one under foot, one in the oven... sobbing.  Just had her vehicle fixed, was driving away, then the fix-it popped again.  A lemon that was draining her and all dry.  I couldn't do much, but I can skip food for a bit... a bit longer.  I don't really feel better, though I probably made a large score.  Made a woman cry with ease, without going to jail.  Hrmh, fifty, a hundred, points?  More?

I have some food left.  Not sure whether to continue as usual or to ration.  What would you suggest?  Not that your advice, my plan - focused will - matter.  What happens, happens, I have learned.  At least I am the sort of fool who won't regret gifting, even to dire hunger.  I used to, still do, live for right suffering.

I'll keep at it.  I just sorted half of the real problems, which open up part of the potential solution to the other half... driving was crucial, if for more than just that.  If I can just do it.  Don't deserve what has been given, but I am stuck sort of needing it now.  God help me.  Amen.

A new day.

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It is difficult to start today.  The work in an attempt to restart life, while mostly at least touched upon, leaves a gaping economic hole and a great deal of ponderous, slow, timed work.  It might take months or years to finish.  Perhaps not ending correctly even then.  I didn't see any packages from them, if it is possible I missed something.  But I did return the packet from my visit.  It had nothing to do with my medical, or my current doc's contact information.  I should have kept a copy.  Not even sure what it was about at.

Other business has to be attended before travel is possible.  That has begun.  So muh to do, so little time, health, and coin.  So it goes.  I'll begin for the day soon enough.  No rush, that will be fot business hours.  I need to get ready, in my mind.

Later is fine.

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The plan was to attack hard, fast, on multiple fronts, and begin early.  Time ticked by slowly. I watched it pass, seemingly unable to rally.  Then it happened.  A wave of revulsion at my situation.  Horror at the catatonic immobility, anger at myself, the situations, the denied needs and wants... a rush of chemicals flooded my system... the rust was slightly broken.  Calls, many.  Laundry started.  A shower soon.  And a shave.  I hope.  Cleaned the toilet while I was at things.

I am waiting on two return calls.  My bank, which I called Monday, and SSA which was called today.  My guess is that neither of those will call back.  I will have to continuously call each.  I may even be ignored completely without political help, say a congressman.  Governor isn't the type or in that line.  May just be out of ss.  Things seem to have been decided, visits, paperwork, and the law means nothing to a muh feelz bureaucracy.  Still, I'll give it what efforts I may.

Oh, and Walgreens, again, filled the dr.'s scripts without my consent... in spite of just having filled them and telling them NOT TO DO THAT.  Oh, no refills beyond either, plus potassium still at 30 days.  Why wouldn't I feel under a coordinated attack?

I'll keep at it, as I can.  Some things were semi or fully completed.  A bunch of things were started.  I sure hope for a shower.  Good night...  Not bedtime, I won't be back today is all.

UPDATE:  SSD did call back.  SSI is gone. There are two slim chances at getting it back without reapplying.  One is a ream or two of paperwork, the other is to go to the office with proof of veteran disability.  I never can find the yearly award letter.  Perhaps bank statements will do.  It seems 100% total, permanent, means something to someone.  I will, when I can, try both.  Yeah...  It's going to be lean here for a while.  Fasting was written in on the menu.  The schedule is simply accelerated and enhanced.

Yeah... as in a lame depressed yes, not a cheer or snark.  Ah well.

Chances of action.

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Good.  Probability, either clinical or common, suggest it.  Nothing yesterday, save cat care and food.  Days are being stretched to business hours in a sustainable fashion.  One call was placed Monday, as well as a scant several chores.  Today?  Set for more.  Three calls, a shower and shave, trash out, a load or two smaller ones of laundry, and kitchen counters.  Well, we will see.  The efforts Monday was prep.  I had hoped for yesterday but it is today so I will start where, when, I am... not where, when, I can no longer be.  Nor will I lament.  I will merely start here, now... if possible.

With food becoming regular again, on my own terms, I have begun moderating.  Moderating?  No.  Dosing.  Over the fast/feast divide, in a pleasant reasoned middle territory, cutting volume while shaping meal times is a simple trick.  Three ounces of meat is way out, unless eating very often is desired.  Six to nine is usually fine enough...that buys three to six hours.  Not sure about incorperating fasting back in quite yet, but that is in the cards.  Fridays, perhaps the whole weekends if Ican get back to that level.  Plans.

Food isn't what it seems.  I LIKE a food rush, specifically from some foods.  Sugar starch, even too much protein, they can provide hits and highs.  Beats drugs... if it actually is a drug.  What, sometimes, I like better is starvation.  Doesn't look like it, but I have gone without food for weeks at a time.  That too can be it's own special sort of delicious.  Neither way is profitable, most likely vestigial aspects of my varied native relations.  Also a part of why I used to drink alcohol as I did.

A middle ground is being sought.  Better to be where wisdom will profit the wise, innit Johnny.

A bit more gaming, then a shower, plus abum rush on several of those other chores, a break  then back at it?  That is the plan.  Later.

A call.

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When all is failing a call home provides... a moment.  Don't know when that is gone, can't think about it.  As rotten as family can be, what is vastly worse is no family.  That is available today, and was employed.  I didn't whine, just smiled and spoke well, as upbeat as was possible.  She can't, shouldn't have to, deal with my toils.  A boost I hope to yet employ.

Food, two meals.  Gaming, to wake and maybe sharpen.  A shower in an hour.  A pre-shave with the trimmers shortly.  A half dozen calls it is hoped, and some planning.  Will give it everything available, perhaps borrowing from the future.  So many things!  One at a time.  A list would be a best start, to begin triage.  Later.

Tricks and great effort yield little.

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Extra pain, a deeper suffering, more confusion, so not without recompense.  While numb as the dead I am feeling serious aches.  As such goes it might be considered exquisite, miraculous maybe.  Is that some sort of win?  Or is not even contemplating surrendering the thing that might go into the win column.  Even realizing I am here, again, all alone in the dark.

Staying awake worked right until it failed spectacularly.  I ended up not sleeping for two days, then falling back to the broken schedule I was trying to escape.  Why try what has so recently failed?  Uhrm, for one, try try again.  For seconds, at this point I'll scramble at any and every opportunity spotted, which is close enough to allow a good faith effort.  Gotta get out of this place.

On the good side the ladies are being attended... if one realizes their cats are begging for simple attention.  It's not that I mean to ignore.  I... just can't focus, feel, see.  Still, feeding, watering, and litter maintenance is minimal but sufficient for now.  Food is also being handled for myself, with medicine started.  Other efforts are in the works.  I just need more daylight time and a voice in it.  Working on that.  Later or good night or day.

Rebooting.

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Starting from a better position is good and more. It isn't always, usually, an option.  At this time that is so far from were things stand I can only chuckle.  Still, every here and now has some potential.  Medicine.  Tonight.  Set up for two weeks.  One of the problems is that instead of a three month supply, there was only one month worth of potassium.  I hate starting meds with any part short.  When talking on the phone, or at all, at any point, is beyond my range then having to call the doc, pharmacy, then drive to get it?  Still I have to try something.

Several attempts were made to sleep.  With the old problems piled upon by the new sleep just won't happen.  There was a mild hope themeds would help, if as an afterthought.  Nope, if my body is twitching for sleep.  Nerves are too jangled.  Perhaps dinner might help.  What can be will be done.  Later or good night.

Worse.

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Much worse.  In every way.  Everything that was wrong remains so and new things have been added.  As well, my chest...  The sensation of my heart being squeezed in a bureaucratic fist.  It won't kill me, it is making it nearly impossible to work.  I have been pushing into day but not functionally.  I was going to make a few calls today but I couldn't talk.

I have been aiming to get to town or just place a few calls since Tuesday.  Couldn't.  If the chance appears... a request for help will be made.  I simply can't do it all, alone, in time.  Troubled and in trouble while I can't stand.  They don't care, those with a beef.  Or, maybe they do only the way a hungry predator cares about another wounded animal.

I'll keep... what... trying, hoping, praying, willing?  All the above I suppose.  A bad time in every way.  I can rightly and easily say I have been in worse all around straghts, if it's been quite some time.  Hey, friend, could you lend a prayer?

Some.

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Half of the dishes finished, a few things located, meats cooked, other plans fruiting, if a nap is about to happen.  It's the only way.  Grilling is such a good cooking method, easy cleaning while handy for volume.  Boneless pork ribs and burgers, tonight.  The ribs were a bit grainy.  Not sure if that was my bad or just that cut, for the price no complaint.  Though a means of mollifying will be sought.  As mentioned, at the price not a problem.  Still rather tasty.

Day function is required for several bits of business.  Beside social security, it seems my other account hasn't actually been shuttered.  I don't known how to easily get them money, but can afford it.  Enough to clear all and maintain a small balance until all else is solved.  Ugh.  Why would a check have been returned as from a closed account then? Read here and reopened?  Didn't name names, might have helped.

Nap time.  I can hope I wake in time to wake fully enough to do business... and check on medicine... and something about vet status and house tax relief... and tags...  BOTHER!  Never to worry.  I do exceptionally well, a spill and pileup are bound to happen.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Cat in a tree.

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Have you ever seen a cat stuck that way?  Yeowling, unhappy, with not enough more 'up' left to them, no food or water.  I had hoped to be well into things, it isn't happening.  I did get to the post yesterday, which required more than just going.  I become hemmed by ongoing projects which must be remedied beforehand.  Then grooming.  At least that breaks things up, offering a new opportunity... if it can be implemented.

As rough as it is lately, that window is... I will be doing what is possible.  Dishes are in a fresh rinse, while cleaning litter it seems that needs a full change, the reefer needs cleared (since switching the door so as to have access for cleaning, it has been being kept up that way... mostly, foods though can be left overlong is all)... small projects needed but also in hopes of priming the work pump.  Well, and a call to social security.  As you may plainly notice, however, my days and nights are inverted.  Ah right.  Not posting enough for that to be apparent.  Just woke.

Perhaps a nap later will allow some day function.  Also need new tags.  Almost lost that.  So behind, so broken.  Good thing challenges are enjoyed.  Can't win, as mentioned here before... and often.  But can't lose either.  I refuse to surrender.  All of these are distractions, duties, chores.  While attention must be paid, they aren't what life is.  I will do my best on these.  I will not get lost in or on that and those.  I will pray, in thanks, even as I curse some trivial, or not so, real issue or even such as a callumny.

Even in great pain or confusion, upset, humiliation of failing (or even success, won't play sudoku again as people... just can't handle such a silly "sucess"), life is rather a grand thing.  An incalculably valuable gift, one not to be squandered or even foresworn even in the mildest of ways...if pouting will happen.  Just so you know.  I am far more grateful, if not exclusively so really.  Don't let the... mood confuse that to you.

Now, be on your good way, be productive, but don't let the door hit you in the ass.  I have... things to do.  *grins*

Work did not completely stop.

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It did slow.  While suffering is negligible, fog of mind has set in.  It is simply exhausting to focus for long.  Even so, the spare bedroom is rigged, the bathroom is up to specs and is being maintained, while food production stays on track with dishes being marginally wrangled.  Not bad for my current state.  Doing anything additional is... quite a trick.

An attempt at homemade bbq sauce was made recently.  Ketchup, a gooder(tm) mustard (not expensive, just well made), sriracha, with sweet spices... cinnamon and allspice if ginger might be added next time.  Vinegar will probably end up in there in time also.  It is missing something, and depth of flavor.  It, though, wasn't horrible or bad, just not perfected.  It has been labelled as a good start.  I am grilling the meats.  Actually, more.  Went full hobo-cook the other day, and will probably never go back, opened a can of asparagus, drained it in the can, ripped off the label, added butter, then put that right on the grill for 15 minutes.  Fantastic way to fly, no extra pots, and actually vegetables are a nice add.  There, I said it.  *grumbles*  Happy, mom?  :p

I have been experimenting elsewise culinarilly.  If inputting data was easier I'd do a major haute hobo-cook field report.  It... is going quite well.

Next, to figure out ss, restart medicine, and start back in on the house.  I have decided to hit the mostly unused rooms first... self-maintaining.  Therefore the basement and upstairs are next in the queue.  The kitchen will catch dregs of energy as I am closing shop, winding down.  Ugh.  Oh, actually  I could finish the computer room first...  it is close(ish).  I'll vacuum the guest room, then powder it again with fresh baking soda for a final vacuum midweek.  That will get done today.  Other then that, dishes, and trash, the weekend is off.  Hoping to push for heavy new week.

Later.

Such a dark and hard place, time.

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Life, here and now, that is.

Bills were finally sorted.  Breathing room seemed to have been developed.  Then the other shoes started to fall... or become apparent to me?  Some of each.

My mother called.  A check I wrote not only failed, the account was gone?  I knew it was in slight arrears, but the social security check should have both fixed that and covered the check.  Also known, social security wrote saying they would be cancelling my arrangement this January, unless information could be offered.  Did they cancel early?  I simply don't know.

It took massive focus, and three days, for me to get things aligned then applied.  Out, today.  Plus shopping and medicine.  Doc didn't have a prescription for my main heart medicine and only one refill (now expended) for the other medicines.  Carvedilol is still in slim supply, so it is doable.  And they faxed him about this.  I just saw this joker in August ffs!  He would write insulin script in a second.  Even give them until I am hooked, dependent, and eminently expendable, but won't mess with the cheap life saving stuff? It sure looks that way.  Anyway, I sent what was owed, and double for guilt.  I will tackle mother in some ways.  I... won't wantonly harm her.  Even when we spat, trust me, she gives better than I can give, or more frequently... and that tangle of a woman has some seriously thick skin... who do you think taught me?

Nothing to be done for the shuttered account.  But they had gone rogue and were murdering with fees, fines, taxes, and who knows what else.  Greedy nasty monsters, kicking a dying animal after over a decade of business.  I expect a bill from them.  I will begin working on social security Monday, or thereabouts.  Ffs!  At least my conscience is as clear as it can be w/r to mom, at this point.  Even an unintentional bad check to mom?  Especially putting her in a bind?  She forgave, without even a curse.  Not fair.  Even with God, that is my most difficult event.

Later.

Such a strange life.

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Why things happen as they do will never make sense.  Waking this morning, without pain, in gooder spirits(tm) is, hrm, fine, I guess.  Appreciated, absolutely... simply, to me, a surprise.  A great gift, really.  I am enjoying.  As well, another oddity, I didn't, for the first time in years, need to void in the night... usually a four (at the least, though rather usual number too) time a night thing (on or off medicine).  Sleep is vastly superior without wakes.  Almost uncomfortable with the wealth of fitness returned from such a grand rest.  Though I had a disappointing dream.  In it my mother denied to someone special to me much... all... strange things, some of which she knows to be true as she spotted some herself and actually informed me regarding.  She does that.  Cruelty, fear of the unknown, wanting to fit in, other things?  I was able to fix that, but I shouldn't have had to do so.  Sometimes she will brave the truth, mostly she will recant even what she knows at the slightest resistance.  Perhaps that is just how most dames are?

Whatever.  Thing is, when I woke, after all those things registered, along with the realization that my feet and ankles are not swollen (a triple bonus extra gooder spirits(tm) item, and another grand surprise), was that I might now be able to begin tracking time and date again.  Yeah, it's been... that rough lately.  Better?  Even gooder(tm).  Still in exhausted recovery, but, if I can escape sickbay, I'll give work a hell of a shot.

Good morning and day.  Always double down... to the good.

A few things done.

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Some passive some active.  Often through a migraine.  There remain to headache-inducing chores.  Plus the actual work.  Medicine, the right parts, are critical to restart. Yes, I had restarted, then ran out of pottasium and haven't been up to tackling the pharmacy/doctor problem.  They are employees, not good ones.  Chastised they will be.  Okay, make that three headache inducing tasks... four... actually starting medicine too.

Meat for the week.  A pack of chicken hindquarters (would have been two, but the last bacth was charred) and a beef and pork roast, small ones.  Thirty dollars but it will feed me for a wee k and change, or until it goes bad?  Migraine disturbed my cooking Zen.  Still, got most of it, and most of it done as is preferred.  It'll need to be stored as soon as it cools.  Shortly.

I also started dishes, washing the first batch which is now rinsing.  It won't be finished tonight.  Migraine is keeping me grounded.  Painkillers soon, but those rarely help without sleep.  I did or started a few other things, but pain is nulling memory.  Work is still planned. Pain isn't a show-stopper.  It's foggy memory, lack of focus, and such which usually are the bricking mechanics.  And exhaustion...  where one of those starts and ends...  I'll keep at it.

Gaming too.  Gives me something to do when all else fails.  Dying Light.  Interesting, but difficulty ramps with no good way to manage it, at the point I am at.  The death penalty is becoming excessively steep while the difficulty is becoming even more stout.  Well, it is something.  Later or good night.

Beyond the migraine.

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A few hours after the last post, a bit of a surprise, and the migraine was gone.  Rarely do painkillers help, or that fast and without sleep.  Eating over rather intense nausea makes me suspect food was part of the problem.  But then I couldn't sleep until well after 7:00.  No more work.  Those empty every drop of mojo I have, and then some. Tack the tally for insomnia to that and, really, I am surprised to be awake, cognitive.  Even so, if I can "boot" to full awake, all systems, otherwise, are a go for work.  I will if it is available.  The bathroom, vacuuming the spare, finishing the second worm farm, stove and counters... one, several, all, none?

So life hurts, exquisitely, from time to time.  The price of admission, one gladly paid.  At this point.  Suffered gladly, though I am tending away from prideful, gleeful, notions.  Humbly, prayerful, hopefully... mostly... will do.  Good afternoon, day.

Stumbled into a migraine.

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The room was finished first.  In spite of the pain, a few more tasks were done.  Couldn't do whole tasks, just short starts.  Sweeping, but just that in the bathroom.  Bedding from the guest room shifted to the dryer, but no more... if I thought I was at an end for the night when the ache seemed to have broken me for the night.  I took a fistful of painkillers on my way to seek refuge in sleep.  It just wouldn't happen.  So, back awake. The suffering is wholly unabated, for now.  A bit to eat, I reasoned, might help.  If not it will be a brutal long night.

I will be looking for an opening to work, not holding my breath for it.  Wouch is this one nasty.  Hoping the nausea won't kill what I think will help, food.  Later or good night.

Something, anyway.

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Today, it was thought, would be as any other for quite some time now.  A nothing.  Oh, there is gaming, but neither is that successful nor productive.  It does stop sleep from eating me whole, there is that.  I am well and truly stuck.  So numb I can't tell if I have a fever, though I can plainly sense my organs grinding for... whichever reason(s) this time.  Given all that, work seemed unlikely.  Remember, though, as I have mentioned, if I see a chance, opportunity, open window, even with scant hope and faith... if I can grin I will try to bear it.

I hit the spare room.  Didn't think I'd get far, if I was already surprised I was starting.  Dig in as you can, I suggested to myself, if cautiously.  I am in seriously bad shape.  Mortal caution is well advized.  Taking it slow, easy, I started in.  After a shorter time than I would have believed I have most of it, and the big closet, mostly ready.  A few items under the bed and about, to fit a box shortly to be rousted from the collection, then the carpet will receive a sprinkling of diatomacious earth and baking soda to be vacuumed tomorrow.  Then I will move back to the bathroom.  I am ahead in there over my last start.  If I keep this pace, that room might be full finished yet today.  I may also add a second worm farm yet today, as well as minor work in the kitchen... the stove and counters maybe?  Might be wishful thinking, if that is the plan until it happens or doesn't.  Later.

In spite of... possiblities.

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Oh, I know.  I have doubts, concerns.  And yet I... at face value... which does take faith... of which I have little for men, a bit more for some men including a good neighbor and Vox (even Jesus can't be held in account for misguided, corrupted, or even spoiler followers).  I, especially in the pangs of poor health multiplied with terrible rest, can cast about a bit.

The thing is, Vox is setting up a video information and discussion platform.  I have said, and do believe he is a source for needed thunder.  Men do need to wake, he can help.  Calling them pussies doesn't seem to help.  So much for my method.  I have watched him take swarms of nerdy, metrosexual ass clowns, moderates, and even darker types and guide them to better places in the manhood, logical, and Christian ways.  I'll vouchsafe this.

Like, agree, always?  Christ doesn't always get that, less all other men.  Yet, within that caveat, and beyond what he is doing for other men, his cultural war front... something he was reluctant to engage as recorded in one of his books, SJW's Always Lie, is something which is having a profound effect on that war.  It isn't based only upon logic, but also history, other forms of reason, and simple (and not so) reality.

The thing is, he is opening a video center, as mentioned.  I wish him great fortune and wish to spread the word while offering my endorsement... for what that might be worth.  Here is a link to the official announcement.  Did I mention he is a rather underrated author of entertainment prose as well?  Anywhile, there you go.

Here is a link to the official announcement.  I... haven't found how to do links well on ps4.  As is, this all had to be manually copied, then laborously clicked in.  I may have to check and edit to get it to even work... so be patient if your first clicks are ftf's.
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Ha!  Sank the battleship on one go with one shot.  Bitches!

Sleep, for what It was worth.

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I'll avoid complaining excessively.  Stating that rest was not obtained in sleep.  Not full deep rest.  I am grateful that I did sleep, and wake.  I have had far worse.

The toilet became clogged yesterday.  My mind was not in a good situation for problem solving.  Note to self and others... with a clogged toilet, turn off the tank fill valve, then tinker.  It takes a messy long task (IF there is a slow drain)down to about a thirty second nothing of a job.  *shakes head*  Just was not well awake and could not force the issue.  Still got it in time.  Rare with this toilet, once a year or so.

I have been trying to drink less.  Good and bad coming from it.  Not sure drouhgting is sustainable.

Hoping to do more work today.  If I can wake!  Later.

Can't sleep enough.

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It is more a failure to find or create a rested state.  When an attempt to sleep enough is made that ends in failure.  I simply can't sleep long enough or in tight enough cycles to make a dent.  Actually it ends being worse.  While pulling, mostly, standard duty is between dry and brutal, when I can, it is far better than the options.  At least, so far, it hasn't been making me too grumpy.

I did a few things today and yesterday.  Mostly starting or catching afew minor things up.  I can't keep at it.  I tire so very quickly, as when the body figures out winter has returned.  Going to crash again shortly.  Hoping to be ready to push a bit harder tomorrow.  Later or good night.

I thought they got this machine as well.

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I woke, started my routines, including beginning the long boot cycle for this system.  I guess filling the ad queu is vital.  As I go about other things, I pause to turn the television on, letting THAT boot, later choosing my id.  Then, finally, if it all worked, and when I have finished with first things morning active dailies, I can sit and begin my e-dailies.

Not so this morning.  Blank black screen.  The machine was on, obviously running, but without visuals... exactly what happened with my computer.  I thought either Vox is using his crew do rid certain people, or has lost control?  Both?  Or maybe not.  I don't think he is at all who he presents, if he generally admits that.  Does even he know his salt, or is he lost in possiblities?  Not exactly active accusations... thoughts, concerns.

After some tinkering, a lot actually, it fired up.  Running it too long?  Are attempts being made to shut me down, by whom or what?  Is video streaming to much for this device?  I do know I need a better solution soon... or to just walk away.  That won't get me off any lists.  They never forget, even to desecration after life.

Back, for now.  Later.

A shift to the right.

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To the good, of course, for those of you with any familiarity with the books of wisdom, newer and older and of course biblical.  For those who choose not to know, continue in your blithely blissful heathen ignorance.  It suits some, many, perhaps most.  At least look at some of the 'pretty' ancient stained glass windows or epic murals, those were made to give the dull, unwashed, and ignorant from any cause a chance too.  Scroll up, as a fact. You... never even noticed before ?  How blissful your world must be.

Oh, I mean I think health might be improving.  I showered and all, then went shopping.  Cat needs, food, a few extras.  I don't fear running out of food.  So far water has always been on tap.  What does frighten is..? running out of toilet paper.  Have you ever wondered what you would use if  production stops.  Leaves?  Do you live in even a small town?  Just how long before such became illegal on pain of immediate death or even a village became denuded of plants?

When I returned, I could only find three rolls.  Being so sick I couldn't get out!  I really worried.  Being a man, however, even as luxuriously as I use the stuff, and three full rolls is a lot of paper.  I was sort of used to being at my mother's.  I swear women must not only use it as per normal, but also eat it and bath with it.  Perhaps, like cats they also paw it to shreds as play and/or a passive-aggressive swipe at the man?  Anyway...  I did find a 3x8 of super extra big rolls.  While that eased my mind, truth be told I Iike to have two of those.  Two full could be close to a year supply, for a man.  Less and much less for a women.  They are natural heavy users.  If they find a cache they zing up consumption.  It's how they do, an aspect of them.  Sometimes cured by putting them in charge of finances... if... that bears it's own tallies.  Innit.  *grins*

(whispered from a small distance)  He's de debil.  -  No, but the "debil" is in the details, some of which is quite familiar.  Plus...  *grins*  never le mind.

Anyway, I'll see about trash and other small work starts.  It's Sunday, I am still in the weakening grip of something, and tired, so I won't attempt to bulldoze big tasks... just... start a few things, prepare for a few others, and bring a few things back up to where they were.  Oh I bought a few new brooms.  I am going to see if there is a good way to clean and maintain brooms while I am at things, soon.  Not that expensive but why be wasteful if too, who wants to use a filthy broom?  Later.

Persistent.

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Some say that about me, usually in a dark way as in weed.  I write about the fever.  It is mild asthey go.  A few degrees of elevation only. Being that I run cold, literally, it might not register.  I know it, feel it... exactly behind the skin and bones of my face.  A week now?  Or longer.  I've hacked a few times as well.  No other symptoms, save possibly exhaustion.

One more bill to pay, then finances need to be figured and sorted.  Work as I may, too.  All with caution.  Do not wish to exacerbate this mostly sleeping monster.

There is something else I mean to do for my mother.  Can't until next month, but that works.  Then back to birthday, Christmas, and random occasional or need.  She has mostly learned how to live on air.  Well, and she makes herself useful.  That... never hurts.  People can love you all you or they want, but most won't, many can't, split out even a nickel unless not doing so would cost even more.  Fair, not?  Reality, cope.  She is and has been useful well and long enough to have serious resources, which she very rarely, and not without great cause, employs.  Better to gift her from time to time or deep in debt to her one remains.  Some can live with and like that. I can't.

Later.

Fried?

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Yeah.  A bummer thing.  I don't think it was overworking, the heat, or even standard health issues.  If correct, it is the illness my uncle had.  I do wonder about... bad medicine.  Anyway, I thought I had gotten over it.  Not so.  I guess I'll need to take it easy, tend myself a bit better, and just try to find or wait for healing.  I'll keep at it, more slowly.

My mother did find habanera, and is making salsa already!  My cousins were there.  She is who they have left, especially at this moment.  All good, especially the eldest... who had started going his way, alone.  His father dying may have opened something for the good.  Yeah, I am getting it too.  Anyway, one of them teased that they would eat all the salsa.  I goofed for a bit, then hit on check and mate.  None of them can even handle her hotter jalapeno salsa.  Little dogs can't eat the big dog food!  Ha!

I did find the number and bump the bug spraying.  Now to get the cave sorted out.  As well, I need to figure out medicine, pay a major bill, and learn of my finances sum total.  Well, and a few other big problems to sort or solve.  Including a new machine, computer.  Just not sure a tablet would do.  Later.

He has died.

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With how things have been I don't know when, exactly.  It was during the day, and not really foreseen.  He seemed to be doing well.  He sent another of my uncles to do a few errands.  When that uncle returned, he found his brother dead.  My mother suggested, from his expression, that he didn't suffer... maybe he dozed and never woke.  I am grateful to have had this last visit.

I didn't mention this, but I am pretty sure he wasn't seeing me as I generally appear.  He has known me all my life, but...  Something in his eyes, the way he looked at me.  I've seen that expression before, in the elderly, the dying, sometimes children.  I've not asked or been told what that is.  Usually it seems pleasant, or at least not unexpected.  Beyond that I don't know.

During my scheduling experiment, I failed disastrously.  I am now just between sleep and waking, but in the most horrible of ways.  Brutal.  I'll get back to it when I can.  Later or good night.

New schedule.

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Sleep happened.  When it became too hot to work or even think, before I zombified into that deadzone, I crashed.  Sleep was good.  Am in the waking stage.  In another hour a shower shave and general start.

Back to the spare bedroom.  I did much but there was so much to do!  No plans, other than the bigger final goal, not overheating or overworking, eating, and keeping up on the usuals such as cat care... including attention.  But, yeah, the sleep trick worked, at least this time.  I am guessing when I burn out no trick will work save restorative rest over time.

A better interface is being researched, for easier better blogging.  Until then this is as good as it gets.

Later.

No way in hell!

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Every step in every direction is a compound problem, not even including how to incrementally shift items through intermediate places toward a final point if just for this objective.  Don't get me wrong, it is doable, perhaps even by me, only not in a week.  I will keep at it but I am rescheduling.

I have been at it off and on most of the day.  It is about time to nap, hopefully, then hit it later when the world and myself have cooled a bit.  I am doing decent work at a decent pace, there is simply far more to do than I could see, vastly more.  One day, task, item at a time.  Including naps.

Oh,  recycling was taken.  Later than  usual, double return duty.  Trash was still there when I checked.  If so, that bin can be brought back.  Trying to keep up while catching up.  Later.

Almost.

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A slightly different tack might make it happen.  I was able to sleep earlier, but not by enough to really matter.  So thought went into how to... work with things as they are.  Naps.  For which a frigid bedroom is required, that is simply how I was constructed.  As mentioned, if a walk-in deep-freeze were available or affordable to create and run?  Yeah, it would be my bedroom.  Seriously.  At least in winter, with no vent in there, it is as simple as opening the windows.

It is not winter, so cranking the ac will have to do.  The plan is to hit it as hard and long as possible, then stop cool a bit then crash as needed, cycling those as possible.  While the full task seems impossible, that doesn't mean I am surrendering.  Geronimo?  As always.

There are other tricks and methods being explored.  I may lose,  but it wouldn't be from a lack of effort.

Today?  The spare bedroom, half of the living room, finishing the bathroom, and doing light follow-up in the computer/front room.  Gotta happen.  Later.

I am thinking not.

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The heat is back at full velocity.  It's wrecking me.  Things are getting done, just nowhere near well or fast enough.  I'll give it until Wednesday, I just don't believe so.  The dishes, bathroom floor and sink, laundry if it needs finished, and a few other tasks are done.  The heat is really killing it for a large push though.  I might try to sleep through the heat, if I can't always sort that out as I would prefer.

The trash and recycling haven't been taken.  Is it a holiday?  Other neighbors had theirs out before me.  Maybe habit... or need.  I'll leave it another day, then call if it remains.

A bit of gaming as the ac works the bedroom, then I'll give sleep a chance.  Later or good night.

A new sensation.

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No, nothing funny in any form of that term.  Overwhelmed?  I think that would be it.

I couldn't do as much, or more what  I had hoped last night.  Other things were in the way.  I did get the bathroom sink, floor swept, toilet cleaned, and redid the dishes... which I set to a final fresh soak this morning.  Dishes were in the way, laundry had been forgotten and it was critical to finish those, and then, being Sunday, trash and recycling had to be wrangled.  I only ended up doing recycling last night, right to the curb.  I hoped I could do trash in time this morning... check.  More of it than  I had supposed.

The bed is *cough* made.  Shut it, mother.  I am presentable(tm), ditto mom.  Breakfast, eggs and chops, was enjoyed.  Dishes were reset.  Trash fully collected and out.  After this and a break and resetting laundry drying or a fluff, laundry, a shower and shave, mopping the bathroom, then another break then into the spare bedroom.  A little attention will go to the room  I hit yesterday and the kitchen.

Damn straight.  Even mostly dead, given a reason and back almost to my feet there is a chance I can still do a bit.  I can't go in lightly and have a chance.  Wish me luck, help, or bes get out of the way.  Later.

Certainly. Right?

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What?  Come again?  It sounded good.  Spraying for bugs, then quarterly thenceforth.  Costs were right.  Safe once dry.  It also gets mice, which the girls aren't doing anymore... probably due to them finding one too many poisoned ones?  I think so.  So... what could be bad about that?  They will be spraying outside, and in!  I may need to delay.  But, for now I am acting as if the preps can be made in time.  That will mean a lot of work.  Every room needs pretty serious effort.

Good, if I can do it and not injure myself or worse.  I hit the computer room a bit this afternoon.  It isn't finished, but as is they should be able to do their work.  I will hit the bathroom after a break and meal.  That was already on my short list.  The aim is to hit the bulk jobs in a rush, then when I can't rush go back and sort pre-hit areas more thoroughly, slowly, and deliberately.

With my recent resolution, which is going better than anticipated so far and this early on, my plan to order a dumpster to get rid of much, to have purpose, and to clean myself?  All good.  Thing is the deadline is next Saturday.  *shrug*  If Wednesday rolls around and I am not 45-50%, or more like 65?  Then I reschedule.  Done.  I want it DONE, so I will be gunning for it.

If I finish those two rooms tonight, I then have six and the difficult rooms remaining.  Plus I'll need to go back over everything.  An eye will be given to organizing and sorting what to be rid.  The challenge as it stands.  I accept, with trepidation.  Good night.

Thank God it is...

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Well, I know the phrase suggests Friday, for my money Saturday works.  The weather has something to do with it, the bulk of the exaustion is due to pushing so hard after such a harsh and long fall.  Still, trying to slow without stopping.  Laundry is moving along.  Less than I had thought, which adds to impetus.  A shower and shave, cleaning the bathroom, after a bowl of chili and a few dishes?  At least a jab toward those ends.

The hope was there to get to confession, then mass.  Just can't do that today.  Back on track for that though.  Soon,  very soon.  I need and want it.  Clothes and shoes need to be arranged.  While the feet and ankles are good, if going to church regularly is to start, the need for shoes for "fat" days will be required.  Thankfully clothes aren't usually a problem that way.

Called my mom.  Asked if she could make habanera salsa.  Asked for no sugar.  No problem there, she doesn't ever add it.  I suggested I'd take a lot if she was up for it, and that while I couldn't help, I would gladly pay to cover costs and plenty more.  The woman likes requests and offers.  If she doesn't need, or cash, or now, she has a string or three for in time and need.  She lives on shoestrings but makes out better than seemingly possible.  Though I think she was happy with my gifts, work, and sharing this visit and ongoing.  She had suggested she needed a few things.  On the way and plus.  Still gladly pay for a small horde of red hot gold, and be grateful for the work.  And she'll love being useful .  It's how mothers do.

I best have that bowla, then get going.  Later.

Cold, for so early.

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I woke around 2:00.  Knew then it had really cooled overnight.  Inside, it read 71-72.  Not cold, but a large drop given the rock nature of my home's construction, the season, and all else.  I didn't check the outdoor reading until 8:30 or so, 46-48 F.  Sun had been up for a couple hours.  Wild.  Yes, that means, on top of pushing the last few days I am moving a bit slower.  All good, this is a rest day.  A very few last dishes, a shower and maybe shave, small loads of laundry... only as fast as I can easily fully complete, and maybe hitting the bathroom hard.  More?  Less?  It's just a rough plan.  Absolutely no guarantees.  On any of it.

A resolution.  In hope, faith.  First, to be dressed and clean enough(tm) for company as a first thing when I wake.  A minor addition here as I write, and something I was starting before my trip, to make my bed daily, changing sheets weekly.  And then working on getting then keeping these front two rooms company compliant(tm).  Some of it will take time.  Some of it has been happening for a while, mostly.  All of it will need practice, sometimes great effort, and a bit of trickery from time to time.  Appearances may be hollow, if hollow can be better than nothing... especially to a shadow, even a shadow of light.  So... don't just sit there, pray!

Already had a few eggs and toast.  Well enough back that a snack is in order.  After that, I may track a few tools such as my carpenter's square a compass (not that kind, though that can be employed in the correct plain) and some others so as to figure the angle(s) needed for mocking up triangular blocks for curtain rod hardware.  Should be easy.  With a circular saw, 2x4's, assuming the angles are good and are recreated rightly.  Did I just read "snack" somewhere?  Later.

Well?

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Between over planning, previously overdoing, and a weather system which moved in, I won't get to it all.  Well, and the dishes... I thought they were ready for a rinse then drying.  Nope, had to be washed then rinsed and finally dried. A lot of dishes.

I did finish those, got the laundry back for later, put up one rod gizmo, did some general cleaning here and there, ate, and a few other things.  More, more will yet be done... just not all of it.  I may be regretting my push to days, too hot.  Ugh.

I'll get to things, soon or late.  Keeping at it.  Later.

Mostly a day of rest.

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The last few dishes, a shower, and cleaning the bathroom sum total are the bigger tasks; a few curtain rods, a meal or two while food lasts, and some cleaning in the kitchen as minor efforts.  As well, prepping for painting the bathroom... which also means work on the wall... drywall replacement... and maybe cupboard door work; getting clean but unfolded clothes from before the trip ready to wash-freshen then tend rightly, plus laying a general plan to get things back to order around here.

Who ever knows?  It is not about knowing though.  Doing, as one may... in faith?  Well, that is my way, gig, story.  I'll stick with it.  If you want, you could add these efforts to your prayers.  I'd be eternally grateful, if I might have a (good) alterior motive to that request.

Get to it people!  And good morning.

More, as expected.

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Mail, after the shower and shave.  As well, I watered the plants also using the shower humidity to give them a bonus.  Then set dishes to a fresh soak.  After mail, to town shopping.  Everything and then some.  Watermelon, which... after a fresh few slices... has been diced and stored, surprising even myself.

Everything went up and away quickly.  I am fried, though.  All good.  A bit of gaming as the bedroom cools, then I'll crash.  Good night.

Very good.

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Much has been done.  The work load has slowly been ramping up.  Yesterday and Monday were about equal.  Today is looking to equal those combined, perhaps more.  So far, I finished the remainder of the initial dishes, washed the last group but am waiting to take a shower before soaking those, a huge load of laundry was completely cycled and is all folded or hung and put away, plus the chicken was roasted... so far.

A shower and shave, checking the mail, then?  I suspect at least three more decent sized tasks.  As well, I mostly have days back, if the heat and nature of high summer are getting to me.

I need to shop, grocery and hardware... window latches, rails/rods, and wall mounts for the rods.  I'll have to do some mock-up, as some walls are angled.  Uhrm, I guess that means I am nearly back to it.

Oh.  Something I found out while home?  I AM read there, and by far more than I would have imagined.  Not just family.  These are folk who knew me, and some of the stories here.  Worse?  They... have conspied and compared notes, even people who I thought didn't talk, I thought they were enemies.  Bah!  So much for enemies these days.  That... throws me a bit.  Rainman?  Really?  What throws them is how much I don't lie.  They still won't go for the Z-axis stuff, yet.  Not my circus.

Later.

Better?

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A bit.  A lot, actually.  Still not back to it fully.  Better is the correct term.

Dishes are nearly finished, from before and after the trip.  I am watering the front lawn, finally, again.  This will only be the second time since returning.  At least it isn't a total failure.  Though I may have lost the jerusalem artichoke.  Just couldn't get to things.  It helped that it was exceptionally cool those first weeks after returning.

Food has been scant.  A good thing as things stand.  Feasting on starvation seems wise for some things.  I am at 260, last I checked.  In spite of weighing more than my previous low I have lost much more in volume.  At 240 I still wore xl underwear and had two notches remaining on my belt.  Now I fit large and have no notches left.  Very strange.

Doing real cooking again.  Black beans, from dry.  I worked with them carefully.  I watched, tended, sparing no effort.  I wanted them right for once.  I got it!  I think one of two things (or both) have been the problem.  Mainly, I believe, I was boiling them.  That simply toughens them.  This time, after bringing it to a boil, I backed it to a right mild simmer.  The other thing was skimming.  Now, I always skim my beans, once or twice.  This time I skimmed them every half hour.  I always check beans on the half hour anyway, so that was just a minor add.  It still takes longer than others suggest, but these were good and more!  I have enough for beef and bean burritos and a decent batch of chilli.  I even stored the beef and beans, plus put the pot to soak and cleaned the frying pan.  I'll finish those today an roast a chicken tomorrow.  When that all is gone, back to feasting´ (´ = not... never mind ).

Bills!  *shrug*  The Lord knows I try.  Later.

The rest of the story...

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On several matters, some updates, and such.

Do mothers really flirt with sons?  Hell yes!  Not with end intent, mind you.  Initially just to pick on us, then to teach and harden us against simple "hussies".  They attempt to battle harden us as they can.  Love really is war.  While doing their various routines, and "shit" testing (real term, look it up), they decide if we are "good enough", do a general ranking, then maybe put a contract out on us.  If for no other reason than that a settled son is a good for her.

I must have passed muster.  I had about seven...opportunities.  None would do.  Two were currently married!  What about practicing Catholic is confusing?  Only one was, technically viable, if only on one of the three major measures.  Those?  Nubile.  Attractive enough and willing to give that first meaning.  Then, being able and willing to be wed in the Catholic church.  Impossible you say?  Cool, I say.  I don't expect to find a wife.

I am good with that.  My mother, at least one other indirect player, and a pasle of dames are rather... put out.  Women join, then go to foodwarfare.  If I am correct, this has been happening for a while.  That is over.  I am getting much better, if still recovering.  No food from outside, and I am even changing how I shop.  Paranoia?  We've been over this.  Piss off with pseudo pop-psych.  I'll do what is plainly, obviously, good for me.  No mom-food in two weeks, and even w/o antib's my legs are water free and new and old wounds are nearly healed.  After those wounds wouldn't heal for, what, six months.  Coincidence?  If so, no matter.  The world is changing.

Mothers, women, the sisterhood... enrage it you'd best be ready to cut them off, out, and excise the whole lot as needed.  You will always be on that groups short list, and that may well follow wherever.  I suppose I may be forced into the he-man women-haters protection system.  Not seeing much loss if those seven women is all left for me, well that and being fed to death and mutilation.

Ah, something about the ghosts... somethings...  I used to think the girls didn't see them.  Turns out?  They do.  They just became practiced at ignoring these... things.  Even sounds.  I suppose, while away the ghosts/spirits weren't here.  The girls fell out of practice.  I've caught both of them, several times each, being startled then quickly hiding their reactions and seemingly putting effort into ignoring what was mutually heard and/or seen.  Little scaredy-cat traitors!  At least I finally know.  You need not believe yourself, scaredy-cat.  But for me it is terribly good to finally have some external confirmation I personally trust... at least as to veracity  Little bitch cowards!

I would add much more detail on some of  this, but the ps4 is quite subpar.  Simply it is all I currently have.

Someone thinks...

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Hmm...  Well?  I have been sent indirect communications, in a number of ways, to interesting (to me) sites, books, etc.  If that is advertising through my wall of ad-hate?  I'll take it.  Okay, though, I should admit... I hid from it for a while.  Why?  Too close to the heart, or possibly.  Example?  While these didn't bug me, they are mighty on-target, here is one.  Scratch that...can't add a link on this.  One was to a book about Pythagoras, written in the mid 1600's.  The other another book, though more or truly, esoteric.

I have, cautiously begun tracking and will start... playing ball.  Why?  Saw lines in book from a poet who remembered me before and after he could have known me... us.  Fine, I will type it in, and source it.  Not exactly sure where to start or stop, I'll do my best.

"They saw the serpent temple lifted above, shadowing the island white:
They heard the voice of Albions Angel howling in flames of Orc, seeking the trump of the last doom"

It does go quite on.  To many that means exactly nothing.  To some, including my secret sender?  It has much to... say, suggest, or... something.  Even the blind who read here can gladly see that a poet (William Blake) has just written some potentially very modern history... of a sort... even if it is only as he and I, perhaps, who say it.  "Hush little darling, now don't  you cry."  You may, as I when I must, simply deny.  Or shut up and take it.  Reality is, can be, hard.  Impossible for some.  Me?  I shall endeavor to percevere.

Enough for now.

Wait.  Thought to update health.  No bloody noses for a day and an half.  Gladly, too.  Drank more of my own  gore in those days  than in the last 5 years combined... hate to bitch, but could have used garlic.  A twofer?  Maybe.  No migraine for two days .  I am not doing well taking medicines, missing half nights and one day in just the few days I have been trying.  Goes to condition.  Still it is helping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and the moving thing?  Don't believe everything you read.  Oh, that has gotta hurt.  More to come on more fronts as well.  Though you... never really know when dancing in the pale blue... with Orc.

One last thing.  In the last week in Iowa the ghosts/spirits found me or.... whatever.  I did several things to check.  Maybe it was stress or general poor health.  I don't have the tools to check that (but neither do the "pro's").  I did my best and it sure seemed real.  So I thought I'd have a month off here.  Not so much.  Like giant dark blurs, usuall but not alway off to a side.  And other things.  Perhaps I am simply close to death?  Dunno.  But they, assuming for argument they are real, are with me now.  Want to see?  Literally?  Raise your hand, as you did in school.  Just raise it, with intent, then let your arm down.  No promises, no time-scale.  Though if you don't see anything in two weeks... you probably won't .

They aren't and weren't back in droves, as recently.  Curious to see if this is just a ping/drive-by, or if this has legs or even serious legs.  Still don't know if I am haunted or a nexus of some kind... or maybe just very close (like another serious coughing spell/stroke) from "there".

Well, now that is all.  Good night.