Up, indeed!

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A shower, taken.  No shave.  Just too miserably tired.  But, I did get to the post office, for a package, before he opened.  I was told I had a package, Friday.  I have... been trying to get up and out since then.  Sometimes I don't make it.  Things have been returned.  Being mostly dead, it's... the way of things.

Beside those, I got to town.  I stopped at three grocery stores, owing to one not being open yet.  To be honest, I was surprised two were open at 07:00.  And, I purchased rabbit feed.  Just one pack.  Should last the month and some.  I was surprised they were open, too.  Traffic is murder, already.  Up and back, didn't matter.

A few things, fresh, to eat.  Salad, plus store cream.  Seems the dairy is... having trouble after problem.  It happens, with just a two people band.  Bringing in cheap labor is... dangerous.  It's a tough gig.  I've been doing rabbits/ducks for some years, and it... does wear on you.  Then again, Sassy has to be fed several times a day, plus litter twice a day, sometimes more if I think about it, plus water change every few days.  There is me, but I can go without, if I am more tired than hungry.  Or, whatever else.  Or, just grab something, or do a drivethrough.

Oh, I was tempted to do so, today.  I really wanted a mcdonalds triple burger.  With the works.  But, I don't think they serve dinners yet.  And, even if they did, last I remember, they don't do breakfast and dinner well together.  It... tastes... funny.  Like cannibals on a clown, boi.  So, I didn't.  The meat I put out last night should be thawed.  Or soon.  Two roasts.  I'll do them together.  Browned, open baked, then sealed for the last bit.  And, I have veggies.  Two packs of fresh, mostly.  Should keep me in good stead for the rest of the month, with all else.

I've been thinking about women today, on my drive.  A bit horney, but... too... just... remembering women I have known and liked, in various ways.  Such disturbing animals.  Often disagreeable, even if in some odd attempt to be agreeable?  I don't think they know.  But... for all my... difficulties with them, I... like them, mostly.  I like spending some time with them.  Getting to know one.  Playing games, of various sorts.  Sex is no small part of it, but isn't the major factor.  Just... couldn't live with a woman, without that.

I just can't get them off my mind, lately.  Their perfume, the natural one... their hair, and eyes... the feel of their skin... their weird ways of thinking.  Their brutality, and generosity.  I miss having one around.  How to find one, though, without going too far?  Too fast?  There would be plenty of time for that.  It's, just, the reason I have been celibate is because how I was doing it before wasn't leading to... marriage.  And, yes, that... is the simple goal.  Well, and all that goes with it.  Dingleberries, girls... women... are.  But... wonderful ones.  Anyway... just sharing my ghosts.

I did set dishes back up, after the shower.  But I burned out getting to the post and stores.  So, maybe, maybe not, get to those yet today.  I'll try to do chores, again, just to make sure.  It got below freezing, again, last night... this morning.  And, I want to make sure they have food.  I may have been slightly skimpy, yesterday, being unsure if I could make it to town or not.  And... I try to deal right with my critters.  I do my damnedest.

But, for now, resting, gaming.  I did get cream, so can have a fatted coffee right fast.  And, I may have another chia breakfast, but this time with cream not sour cream.  That... was okay... mostly... for a bit.  But, now, I... like it with fresh cream much better.  Anyway... it's a new day and a new week.  I am going to try to push, pull, lift, drop, and get going.  Medicine is a bit brutal, still, but more softly than sometimes.  Weather, too, is slowing things up.  But... I'll... try.  Later.

Up!

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Yes, well, and  fine day.  Starting right before 03:00.  I was awake to 18:00?  About that.  I woke around 23:45, crying from a dream about Sam.  Odd how even now that can sneak up on me.  This time it wasn't fair, I couldn't see it coming it as it was in a dream.  Just, holding her, first as she slept, then as she passed from life.  I still... wouldn't have done it any other way.  She slept so very well.  She died so very well.  I am waiting for a warmer dry day.  A day she would have wanted to go out, as a first "summer" type day.  She was a summer girl.  I'll need to dig the hole a bit.  Clear it out a bit.  

Still hits me.  Even being pretty sure where she is, and that she is fine.  And, having not only been there before, or near, but have seen what that is about.  Sure, what I saw, or... didn't see... could all be just hallucinations, as the brain shuts down.  Being flooded with chemicals to try to hold onto life, or ease the pain, or simply make death easier... for I fought it with every ounce, every time I have died.

But, after years of trying to force that belief, I failed to keep it.  It never was a belief, really.  It was a rejection of what I directly experienced.  It was looking out a window, seeing it was raining, but deciding, since it was mid-July (around here), that since it was mid-July, it couldn't be raining, because it doesn't rain in mid-July.  Yea, not a belief.  A rejection of... experience.

Even when I decided that my lying eyes weren't lying, I still had to sort all that out.  Took a very long hard time.  Recalcitrance, stubbornness, procrastination, and ill health all... delayed the inevitable.  Well, in combination with looking for the truth, beauty, and such, but to hold as my own.  You will eventually find God, that is what you are seeking, if you know it or not.  What you do when you find that out is... a whole other story.  I fought like hell, then ended up being required to surrender.

What a dream leads to, innit?  Great tears, of sadness and joy.  And more.

Well...  I started in on the bathroom.  Brushed teeth, moved some things so as to get to the dishes.  Will do dishes and take a shower.  Then, hopefully, a bit more.  Trying to be more... efficient.  Trying to go quickly.  A bit tired, rusted, achy, sleepy, but all rather mildly today.  Not sure if it is cold, let me...  28?  Long slow springs, actually, are the norm.  This might be cooler than usual?  A bit?  Probably ten degrees cooler average, if I had to guess.  The lows.  The highs are twenty degrees cooler, if I had to bed.  Just slogging toward a real spring.  It'll get here.

Well... on to... waking.  Water is heating.  Sour cream is an odd thing, but it works, for now.  With a bit of the chocolate and vegetable protein powders, and chia?  It tastes like a poorly mixed brownie or chocolate cake batter, unbaked.  One in which sour cream is added for a bit of cheeky sprarkle?  One of those things just straddling delicious and gross.  But... for the short term, it works.  If I didn't know exactly what was in it, I wouldn't eat it.  For sure.

Ugh.  Later.

It doesn't always have to... end on a sour note.

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Chores.  Took everything I had to get going.  But going I got.  Rabbits were happy to see me, or the food and water anyway.  I have enough food for another few days, if I am careful.  Now to get extra food soon.  Again, I'll have to dig through this and that for enough money for feed.  So be it.  If I have to sort change, I'll just... have to do it.

As well, I decided to have one more bite to eat.  Mushrooms.  I had a package from the last time I was in.  Getting... long in the tooth.  Used some in salad, raw.  But couldn't use many, and wanted to try to not waste.  So, in the skillet, with butter, salt, pepper, and garlic... onion powder too.  First, a hot steam, with a lid on.  Now, an open fry.  Looking and smelling good.  A feast of a single plate.  Will do.

Oh, and I was setting up the waterers I brought in, to get them filled right away, mother called.  It was good to hear from her.  Just... a hello.  They went for dinner.  Basically, a thanksgiving menu, only with chicken instead of turkey.  Sounded good to me.  We always tell what we are eating, or recently ate and liked.  It's... a little thing.  Plus, gives each other ideas.  She liked the breakfast dinner.  Would have liked mushrooms, too.  But I hadn't come up with that yet.

I decided to push my luck, and attempt to call my brother.  No dice.  Still, when enough goes well enough, I can risk a... loss.  And so it went.  Strangely, he hadn't called mother.  Then again, and honestly, he is... a bit overwhelmed with all things.  Plus with his own health issues.  Still, I will try to get through, from time to time.  For my own good, but I think for his too.

Still, I... got it all going.  Got some things done.  Got something started.  Ate a bit better, and prevented a waste... another waste.  And, I regained much of the day.  Oh, and it is 52 now, or so.  It had been as low as 28 this morning, so... better.  But geez Louise, so cold so late in spring.

I hope you have had a good Easter.  Whether with family, friends, even alone but in prayer.  A Thanksgiving of another kind.  Do enjoy.  It may not seem like family is all that fun, until you... don't have family.  We weren't made to be alone.  Enjoy the misery of family.  You will dearly miss it when it is gone.  Be well, blessings, prayers, and kind thoughts.

Goodnight.

A few things.

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I had to get waterers done.  And, now, I need to find a way to do chores.  Dealing with animals isn't an option, and not even holy days allow that to slip.  So be it.

I did make a breakfast.  I had to toss some meat.  I just haven't been able to cook.  Some of it was good, enough to make ground pork patties.  Those, two of them, plus hashbrowns and eggs made for a reasonable lunch, dinner, supper.  I won't eat more.  Good enough.  Though I did pull meat out, this time I hope to cook it in time.

I called my mother, but she must have gone on to bed.  I didn't want to call too early, or she might well be making food.  Calling later seemed more reasonable.  I hate that I missed her.  I do my best, which... isn't good enough, always.  For some reason, today is lonely.  Nothing to be done for it.

It is afternoon, 17:24 currently.  I am taking day back.  But hurting for it.  Well, that, medicine, insulin, and all else I'm trying to do, or missing.  Anyway... chores, then on to bed.  When... I can stand.  Gotta do chores.  Goodnight.

Easter?

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Quite a day.  The Lord is risen.  Yes, I believe.  Know.

So strange, as sophisticated as moderns think they are?  Take away the elevator, drycleaners, cellphones or phones of any kind.  Wouldn't take much.  Some say I high level nuke, others just a specific type of sunburst.  A permanent destruction of the infrastructure would make it so those who are ruling would fail to be able to rule.  It's, actually, more of a when than if.

Though, until Christ returns, it'll... be... difficult.  No matter which flea is biting you, one, you can be certain, will be stinging, biting, stealing, and corrupting you and yours.  I think the thing is to keep from them, stay away.  If, too, if it belongs to Caesar, let it return to him.

I woke at 01:20.  With great difficulty, I was able to stay in bed until 02:20 or so.  Staying down was becoming too painful.  So, up I got.  I was waking while dreaming.  Talking to God, again.  While yesterdays dream left me a bit... confused, what I remember of the last part of this dream clarified.  Not that I required it, but as if asked to sit a meal, and only being partly fed, my dissatisfaction seemed to show.  Now, more, I understand why I yet live.  Or... what seems to be His reasoning.  Not... that I fully understand that!  But, I... do much more fully understand.  Though, as mentioned, I would not deign to question His will.  So, anything He offers is... a serious grace.  Still, God, talking to a dog... there are limits.  But, yes, I... get it.  No, I won't share.  Not sure it would mean anything to you.

I did get dishes going again yesterday.  Just reset them.  Hoping to kick them out today, if mostly so I can take a shower.  I would love to go to church, especially today.  But, as with why I haven't been for years, the problems remain.  I could no more get to church, on time, and handle being there, than I could climb the nearest mountain, and spend a week getting up and down, living out of a pack.  Especially having just started medicine back up.

A bit over a week into medicine restart.  The body is suffering for it, or is becoming awake enough to feel the terror of some pains.  I suspect, as usual, if I can keep up on it, I should be over the suffering in a few more weeks, maybe a month.  Perhaps two months.  While I would prefer not to suffer, this pain is in healing... to a degree.  But, too, it is a grace to know pain here, now.  Especially as I offer it to named and unnamed in purgatory.  It might not be much, in one sense.  But if you think I'd rather peel out a stack of twenties, or have bruised and battered innards?  It seems you are only wealthy in one way, or the other.  I give what I have.  Amen.

Well... I need to begin waking.  Getting going.  No cream, though.  Not sure what I can use to replace it?  I do have sour cream, but that's... difficult.  It would get me at least one coffee in, though.  Which might help.  Bleh.  Then, when I can, dishes and a shower... shave, perhaps.  I'll at least try to clean up for the holy day.  Later.

Had to jack the furnace.

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It was abysmally cool, almost cold.  So I turned up the heat.  It is helping, at least I didn't go back to bed.  I am still hoping to hit dishes, get a shower, do some laundry, and finish waterers.  Just... not sure about anything.  I did refill the water jugs.  It takes between seven and eight minutes to filter water.  It took between twice and three times that, for the under-the-sink unit.  If, too, I think the tank was on the fritz.

It is 28 out there.  While not, technically, by my standards, frigid, it is freezing.  The middle of April?  I guess it is what it is.  As expected though.  Global cooling, just not involving man's activity, has been under way for a while.  It has to do with that big glowy thing in the sky.  It is taking a nap. siesta, or such.  The most manufacturing might, and I mean might, have some involvement regarding, is where the weather patterns occur.  And, that has more to do with where smog and such alter solar energy distribution, not whether it gets here, or not, at all.  It just changes, and probably averages, weather systems.  Turning it off has had an affect, but more by creating variabilities which had been mostly normalized.  The reset will be... a complete disaster, when all is calculated.

Anyway... for now, I can warm the house.  I just can't get going.  Part of it the continuing cold.  Part of it starting meds back up.  Meh.  I'll do my best.  Well... not sure what I can do, or get to.  I'll keep aiming to do things, and hoping I can get to them.  Easter is coming up.  I have nothing really ready.  I'll... figure something out.  

Later.

Well?

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Not to three, again.  Actually I lost ten minutes?  Or... not.  But close.  At 01:20, up, I'm not getting to days fast.  Then again, I don't mind going a little slower, aiming a little more carefully.  And, I did make it awake to 16:00, actually, through native, exhausted, procrastination, it was much closer to 17:00, like... 16:46?  Or so.  So, yea, it's working it's way.  And, I am getting more awake time.

Blood sugar is 185 fasting.  It hasn't been lower than 225 since I started taking insulin and testing, so that's good.  It's getting there.  Breakfast is brewing, and I am filling water jugs as I write.  The hope of getting dishes out of the way, taking a shower, and getting them to a final rinse then drying them before eight?  Maybe.  If so, I'll get a load of laundry going too.

I need to get feed, rabbit feed.  And redo some waterers.  I have plenty of waterers for them, currently, filled, but I need to catch back up.  A few days behind, now, a few days to go before out, good time to refill and catch up... after chores today... or, even, through the morning, bit by bit.

Still a bit tired.  Medicine restarts do that.  Though medicine can do it, no medicine definitely does it, I can't... win.  But... I can't lose, either.  Not in faithful prayer.  Sure, I'm not going to church.  But, then, God knows I am only alive because He says so.  I have no right to still be alive.

Actually, I dreamed of speaking with Him last night.  I asked why I wasn't dead, really.  I asked that He not be obtuse, or... poetic... in His answer.  Was He?  What He told me was that He wanted someone to be the obverse of Jesus.  Someone, who didn't deserve to live, or be alive, to do just that.  He told me I have died at least three times in this house, save for His word.  I... was sure of two, suspected others.

Probably just a dream, but who ever knows.  I... wasn't doubting Him, or questioning Him, just asking what the hell He was doing.  *grins*  Oh, trust me.  If He decided to call me to marathon running, even though I lost ever race?  If I felt it sure, I would do it, even to my death.  I... believe... in Him.  I don't need to understand.  I don't have any grounds for debate.  I have surrendered my options, with regards to His will.  I may be His child, but I... am just that, now.  No more.  Sometimes, I do, His will, and... for no other reason than because I believe He said so.  Amen.

Well?  Now to wake a bit.  I bet another jug of water is ready to fill, and have the device reset.  To the bathroom, then a breakfast.  Yum!  I really do like chia, even now, oddly.  Then, some waking, gaming.  A new game has been started.  A dex build.  If... I have some doubts.  Not sure how survivable it really is.  Then again, I'm not seeing strength builds as all that survivable either, to be honest.  Though magics are great, if there is distance.  Anything, at close range, is dead meat against their overpowered cheating bosses.  Will see how far it can go.  Later.

Made it to 16:00.

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Good, all good, happy.  But making it further?  It is as if time stopped.  It seems like an hour, or two, since I realized I made it so far into the afternoon.  I keep trying to push to get further, but... ten minutes have gone by and it feels like hours.  My eyes are beginning to burn.

On the good side, blood sugar is 132.  Not perfect, but... getting to the numbers that are better.  I did have a bit more insulin.  And it worked just about as good as I could have hoped.  I will be taking slow acting stuff, in a short bit, as I go to bed.  Nothing fancy, just trying to hit nails, on the head, with the hammer, and make things stick.  Is medicine the nail or the hammer?  I'd say it is the nail, will to action, or that action itself, is the hammer?

Wonderful, in one sense.  I really didn't think I'd make it up this late.  Ah, I may know why I am crumbling.  I turned the heat down, a lot.  And, yes, when it is cooler, I am more prone to sleep.  I woke at, what, 01:30 or so?  So, I guess that is okay... a reasonable time up, already, given the givens.

I did get trim Sassy's nails.  Solo this time.  And, yea, I got them well.  I just went slowly, and gently, carefully trimming.  She had started scratching herself again.  I will need to trim her naiks probably weekly, until she stops digging.  I think I can.  It will be more remembering to do it before I find scabbed cuts everywhere.  Poor thing.  She will have hellacious itchiness until she just gets over it.  I feel for the little one, but not much I can do about it.

Well, on to bed.  Insulin first, then... sleep.  Good afternoon, day, and goodnight.

It's NOT Saturday?

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I really thought it was.  So, I called to check on something.  Not.  Saturday.  I am totally exhausted, somewhat distorted, and definitely not with it.  I'm trying to keep up, catch up, do.  But... that isn't happening.  Even gaming is... limited.  Taking little objectives is... messy.  Old, tired, a bit cranky.  I am still finding things.

I did take care of... six items, new items, on my list.  Today.  I have, finally, found another item, or group of items.  However, I am not up to that list.  Not... yet, or today.  Two of the list items, from earlier, have me twitching.  Just... can't do it.

Now, I could continue around, looking for things.  Actually, there are two lists of lists.  The catacombs (though I need to find a list for the other three types of ruins), and the night's calavary (knight riders, which only appear at... night).  But, both of those will be more work than I am ready to dig into, at least by volume, the numbers, but very possibly by difficulty.

So?  So, I may begin a new 'toon.  The question, though, is which type?  Another form of magic, or a combat type.  Most likely combat, but strength or dex?  Are there other forms of direct combat?  Though, with dex, there is archery.  Which... I definitely prefer.  Learning from magic casters, I realize ranged is sometimes absolutely vital.  Strength doesn't really offer that.  But, what strength does offer is serious tanking (the ability to receive damage, and mitigate it).  The limits are that it is physical based.  These games are not simple.

I did find an advice video on the last boss.  What I didn't realize was that the damage it deals is mostly "holy"... just... another sort of magic.  But, that type of damage has a way to be mitigated, if it would require a respec.  Not sure about it though.  So many respec's already, to no real success.  Still, it's... under consideration, just... as with the list of things, not today.  And, actually, I would rather get the other lists of lists completed before respec'ing.  This, last, potential, respec would be a final, gimmicky, hail mary... not a good game playing build.  Which... is annoying, if required.

Well?  Either that, or on to bed?  No.  I want to try to push through.  I don't want to, I just... want to?  I mean, I don't feel like pushing through, but I wish to, want to, feel I should.  My body would love to crash, right now.  My will and, I believe God's will, is that I struggle on... try to reclaim the day.  And, so, it is that I will stay up.  But, I need to do something.  I don't have much capacity to do else, so... gaming.  A restart.  Or, at least, looking over what types of combat there are, and which I would prefer, if I think dex is probably the way.  Then, finding a build of which jig I might happily employ.  Innit?  It is.  Shush.  Later.

Cooling.

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It was 36, I think, when I woke.  Then slowly declined... to 35 at around 08:30?  And, now, at 10:15, it was 33.  It looks like it was mostly raining, but has started trying to snow?  Or did some of the rain arrive as slurry?  There are places with traces of what seems like snow.  Not quite a real snow?  Or not much?  Or not many places where it stuck?  I can't be certain.

I am trying to find final things in the game, to do.  Things I missed, that are still available.  I think there are several series of night monsters.  I cleared one, though need to look for a list of the others.  But, as for bosses, I think I am done.  I have repec'ed as many ways as I have practical weapons, skills, spells, and else.  At over 200 level, I shouldn't be struggling like this, unless, as I mentioned, the game is cheating in it's favor.

Yea, I'm an old guy.  But... not a usual one.  Or I wouldn't even have gotten to where I am in the game.  I do suspect that some of the people who received the game, to review, were given cheater copies... whether they know it or not.  The copy they received, cheats in their favor.  Rough, still, but doable.  Just a suspicion, but one I believe.

Major headache isn't helping.  Not sure why.  Just, well, there it is.  The blood sugar crash didn't help.  But I don't think that is all of it.  It isn't gaming, I have been, mostly, avoiding the stupid cheater parts.  Though, even now, there are places which shouldn't be as much of a problem as they are.

Oh, I found a list of one portion of the dungeons.  There are two types.  Catacombs are funerary places and underground.  There are other funerary places above ground, places which seem more like mines for materials, and then above ground places which have been taken over by critters or the dead... undead.  Finding them all is quite a trick.  I have done well, but would guess I have missed a few of each.

The thing with these?  No matter your level, certain drops are lethal, as are some traps.  And these are build to be tricky.  And, the way some are designed, even at my level, I can easily run out of all the things needed to play, and possibly get stuck in the middle of even more enemies, as they seem to respawn.  Mazes, traps, invincible monsters until certain things are done.  Even the dungeons are... or can be... a bit much.  Still, better than the last few bosses.  Impossible.

I may end up starting a new 'toon.  Just, with no hopes of getting through.  I simply can't beat the game.  If, too, I suspect there is more to it than just my inability.  I have seen things happen which shouldn't.  Hits which were 100% blocked still getting through, an inability to get a button press through for several seconds, which left my 'toon completely defenseless... which just doesn't make sense without the game being able to cheat.

Still, I can do some things.  Just... avoid the things that are impossible.  I have leveled about as much as is possible, and right into the improbable, for a first playthrough.  There isn't much else I can do.

Ugh.  Painpills?  I suspect so.  Not sure they can help.  But... really in a bind.

Later.  

Very strange.

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Okay, so I got slow acting insulin in.  Then had breakfast.  With blood sugar at 225ish, I took fast acting with breakfast.  As I have the last two days.  I checked blood sugar a few hours later.  At 116, no more insulin was needed.

Started to feel odd.  Decided to make a fatted coffee.  Checked blood sugar, to see about more or less.  Blood sugar is 76!?!  It really shouldn't have dropped.  It didn't take much fast acting.  And, that was hours after the slow acting.  Very odd.

I am taking fatted coffee.  But that might not be enough to sort that out.  I'll have to eat something else.  Just not sure what.  I can't cook, might be able to heat something up.  Need carbs.  Beans, and cheese?  Maybe.  That might do.  But feeling really bad, getting worse quickly.  Best hurry.

--------------

Well, food helped.  Lettuce and cheese, in with the beans, should keep it from being too much of a crash?  Or spike, I should say?  We will see.  It was either that, or carb tabs.  Carb tabs might, in this case, have been better.  Maybe.  But I am out of them.  I had some, from before.  I am guessing someone is still getting in, from time to time.  They eat those like candy.  Actually, my candy is gone, too.  So... yea.  I have definitely not been gnomming on candy or carb tabs.  Those are only for crashes, and without being on it, I simply haven't used those.  Oh well.

Feeling a bit better.  But I won't mess with testing for a few more hours.  Not feeling great, just not as bad as I had been.  That crash was a serious one, but shouldn't have been.  I have been being very conservative with dosing, and even then, when I remember to dose!  Gah.

Later.

The game is unbeatable.

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The last two bosses are broken.  I have tried to beat them a dozen ways.  Respec'ing four or five times, trying different combinations of spells, weapons, defenses, and adds I can call.  I have been able to, if rarely, beat the first halves.  And I found a cheese for one of the bosses' first halves which makes it automatic.  But, after that, nothing.

I have tried the most potent skills and abilities for several forms.  The only ones I haven't tried wasn't for lack of will, but some of the items, for those classes, are locked by missing fights, bosses, or areas through not knowing going somewhere, or doing something, would close off access.

So... I'll look around for a few more things to finish up, then close up the game.  There is no way to get through.  My guess is, they track people back to their ip address, and if you aren't politically correct, or if you complain, they will make it impossible for you to win.  The game is outright cheating, my patch version of it is.  If it was just one of the side bosses, I guess.  But when it kills the game, yeah, no.

I guess that is the type of world we live in, at this point.  SJWs have to cheat, for they cannot win in any honest, truthful, or good way.  And, they run a lot of these programs.  Or, have enough access to control things they shouldn't.  Companies had best purge certain types, or they will lose it all.  At this time, I can't recommend Elden Ring.  It is either broken, or corrupted.

I try to keep it offline, but there are things I need to get online for... with that system.  And, yes, that is how they get in and break it.  I have noticed gaming is easier when not online.  Which tells me they are actively involved with players, or at least it causes greater lag, which makes anything from swinging weapons, casting spells, or drinking potions take longer... or even preventing them from happening at all.  Though, now, I think, with certain bosses, I have found that the boss seems to be able to prevent actions on the part of the player.  That has to be programmed in.

Well, so be it.  A waste of money, but... what can you do but try.  Later.

Not three.

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Then again, if barely, I was able to go back to sleep at 22:45.  I woke then, the first time.  And I had to struggle to stay put.  I was still tired, terribly so.  But not sleepy.  I tried to stay in bed, at waking around 01:25 or so.  No dice this time.  It's 01:35, and I have already fed Sassy, cleared her litter boxes, gone to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and obviously have the computer up, connected to the net, and running.

Still a bit tired, but the extra sleep helped.  It sounded like it was raining?  I had to go check.  Yes, raining.  A good thing.  It means, most likely, that it isn't freezing.  Objectively, no, it isn't, at 36.  But, if you were caught out in the rain, at 36?  You'd... be freezing.  But!  The water for the rabbits isn't freezing.

Now, after waking, and getting going, I really need to hit dishes, so I can shower.  Then do a load or two of laundry.  Nothing fancy, just... trying to break out of the breakdown.  I am keeping up on medication.  Well, forgot slow acting... actually any... insulin yesterday.  I can make up on slow acting, by taking it first thing, and then again at bedtime.  So, that has gone forth.  But pill medicines, if still just once a day, has been remembered.  This next Saturday, I'll be back up to twice a day.

I expected some at least mild kick-back from meds, and am receiving it.  No serious pain, though.  Just that extra tired on top of tired on top of sleepy on top of exhausted... if in a softer way that it could be.  I can live well with this, at least in the short term.  If, too, when I double down on it, that will... increase.  It's a painful thing, to drop off, and to go back onto, medicine.  I do my best.  And, yes, that's... as good as it gets.

Blood sugar is remaining right at 225.  But, that is with hit and miss treatment.  As that improves, it will get much better again.

Friday?  I couldn't be sure.  When the "night", or "morning", or 'night' or 'morning', can be split along the midnight, I'm sometimes unsure.  I was thinking it was going on to Thursday, not leaving it.  All good.  I would rather it be Friday.  And, while I can't pay off some bigger bills, I have a few small things to do.  I will have to check a proverbial couch for change, and pockets for bills, to see if I can get a few dollars sorted out, so as to get more low heat pasteurized milk, for the kefir.  It seems to be going, but... I'm running out of easy food for it.  One more week, and I can go back to straight raw milk.  Maybe two weeks.  It has to be strong enough.

I am drinking the kefir it is making.  It isn't making much, or fast, currently.  But enough to get the joy back.  A small cup two or three times a week.  But it is delicious.  If you ever get to where you law straight yogurt, this stuff is like... three times as good, taste-wise, in my opinion.  I can't wait to be getting back to two gallons of the stuff a week again.  Maybe three, in the summer, cutting cream to one?  Maybe.  Seasonal adjustments.

Well... on to waking.  Good night, morning, day.

Well, chores too.

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I really wasn't sure chores would go forth.  Tired, sleepy, deeply.  Not sore, or in any sort of conscious pain.  Just tired out of my mind.  Still, I had hoped to make it up a bit later.  It's... a bit later.  Right at 15:35.  Good enough.

Medicine is in.  Blood sugar is... sticking right around ~225.  I may have to... go a little deeper.  But, not right now.  I won't hit it hard right before bedtime.  Dangerous.  Just my usual nightly, slow acting.  Then again, I have been eating extra carbs.

Beans, and slightly higher blood sugar, is worth not freezing, with the furnace jacked to 80.  Could not get warm!  Freezing in my skin, to the bone.

On to bed.  For as long as I can.  The goal is about 03:00.  Not sure I'll make it.  Though whether long or short is another thing.  So tired.  Sleep should be good.  I'd like to eat before bed but I just can't.  Good day, and goodnight.

All of it.

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A doctor appointment and two text contacts.  Arrangements, promises, scheduling of various things.  Not perfect, but... good enough.  Now to try to stay awake for a few more hours.  Until this afternoon, sometime.  Well, that is the hope.

Chores, too, before long.  More, I think the last of the water, arrived.  Maybe more tomorrow.  Can't be sure.  Could check, too tired to... do... some things.

--------

Ah.  Not sure what happened.  Was going to post, then, just... walked off.

The visit happened, as well.  It is 14:18, exactly two hours after starting this post... at 12:18.  Odd how that happens.  So tired, still.  But... trying to stay awake a little longer.  Just... because.  

Oh, the lad messed up his pinky, this time.  When he isn't spraining or cutting something, he his putting a screw through his thumb, losing a chunk of thumbnail, as it turns out, in the process.  Hard worker, but... geez does he get damaged.  And he breaks things.  But, well worth the work output.  Hard work, hard play, things break.  Amen.

We were too tired to mess with it, but I'd like to see if the bluray player I have will play regular dvds well enough.  If so, I'll give him the dvd player.  Just... too many things, I need to get rid of some.  And... while he has a unit that will work, a dedicated system works a bit better.

Anyway... it's nearing bedtime.  I have been working on the last bosses.  But, I am sure now, the game cheats at least the one.  I have gotten that boss down to 30%, the second part, several times, only to have it cheat the loss away.

Anway... I'll tinker just a bit more, then go on to bed.  I'd like to hit chores, not sure I can.  Later.  Or goodnight.

No, still awake.

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An appointment.  Have to either be, or become, awake.  I wasn't sure I would be able to wake, so... I just... stayed awake.

On the good side, I have finally warmed up.  In spite of the carby meal, blood sugar dropped a... goodly lot.  Not enough to be dangerous, or even satisfying... completely.  But enough that I have to use low cc's if I have another meal.  Which I probably will do.  It's nice to be warm, even if blood sugar might be the price.  Though, better if it isn't a cost.

What a change!  It was 22 just a few hours ago.  It is now just hitting 40.  It still looks like it could hit, out there.  Overcast and stormy, if... sort of pretty.  Mother nature has to be female.  Looks like the mountains got a good snowing.  Not a bad thing.  That will, sooner or later, come down as water.  If it does so in some sort of reasonable order, it can well be used.

Just a bit longer.  Though, too, a friend may or may not visit.  I'll... check about that, actually.

I've been trying to get the worst of the last two (four) bossed.  I am twitching for it.  The game literally cheats.  I have gear which makes some things not possible.  But this boss cheats.  I have gotten the first half down and done, with plenty left.  And then it just cheated.  Plane and simple.  It's not that this boss is difficult.  It's just that until it doesn't cheat (or in time), or you get lucky somehow, you can't win.  The game lets you win, or not.  You don't actually beat it.  Unfortunate that they play that way.  It really is poor sportsmanship.  It means they know we are too good for them, so they have to cheat.  Which... blows.

Well?  I don't know.  I'll figure out how much longer I need to stay awake, or what else might be going on.  All good.  Later.

Well, one of the three bosses.

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Hmm, they say the last two bosses are singular.  Truth is, they each... once you kill them... morph into something else.  So, really, the last two bosses, last three actually, are actually six bosses.  The one I beat was like that too.  Then again, I am not absolutely certain I have beaten all of the possible bosses.

I have beaten a lot of them.  I would say most of them.  I have gone over every list I could find.  Still, perhaps one slipped by, or there are some not on the list.  That guy that had seventy bosses?  He missed a lot of bosses.  Well, and some bosses he counted all together, like dragons.  And, there are quite a few of those, and many more sub-boss types of dragons.

I did get some food it.  It really didn't help warm me up.  I'll have one more fatted coffee, then go on to bed.

I have tried one of the last (dual) boss fights left.  Getting better, but not quite there.  There is one other way I might change things up.  And, while looking over the boss I haven't tried, I found an item I am missing... from my collection.  It could be important, for that last fight... or not.  But I do want it.

Beside bosses, weapons, and armor, there are items of various sorts which might help.  Hmm, come to think of it... if I can figure out the damage type, I might be able to counter that against the worst the of the two remaining bosses, and the worst boss of the game.  Maybe.  Though, if it's just physical damage, I pretty much have resistance to that maxed.

Well, coffee, getting that item, then a nap or such.

So tired, cold.

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It is up to 22 out there, F of course.  But, that... isn't warm.  I have the furnace up, and I am still cold.  Frigid.  Can't warm.  I have had food, and warm drink, to no good ends.  Still cold.  I am dressed warmly.  I just can't figure it out.  Nor, quite yet, go back to bed.  Or I would be sleeping.  I want to sleep.  I feel like sleeping.  I just... can't.

I may make beans and beef, which cheese and sour cream.  Carby, but... I... need heat!  Add some serious spice to it.  Yes, spicy food does warm the body, or mine.  Though, with carbs too, it doubles down.  Nothing fancy.  Oh, could put it on salad, as well.  Yea.

I figured out why my spending seemed out of control this month.  I am going to count the reverse osmosis system as a home-improvement.  And it is.  I just hadn't.  But, yes, I bought that, which should have been all of my extra money for the month.  Well, and paid off some bills.  Bills I had been paying off in portions.  So, good things, just...  Well, and not paying attention.  Now I can call and get things sorted out, know my balance.

This coming month, I'll put money into savings, first thing.  Then pay very close attention to what is available, while tracking what I am spending.  It happens.  I have had worse, much worse.  I am merely low.  Mortgage was paid, all other bills are paid, save dairy.  But that has been slightly moderated anyway.  I'll call, and talk about that, as well.  I think I am $9 in debt on that, or $30.  But, halfway through the month, should be okay.  If they can handle holding off to the first.  Yes, it puts more debt on next month, but I won't be spending as much next month either.  I think I had two or three debts come due this month, on top of else.  But, mostly, things are clearing.  Bleh.  Life gets messy.

If I could just warm up!  I can't really put on more clothes.  So, it's not about clothing.  It's... just... my metabolism, and such.  Cold.  Freezing.  To the bones.  They hurt for it.  Even sitting out there, drinking hot coffee.  Food, something, yes.  That, and more coffee.  Later.  Or, goodnight, if I can get to it.

Thirteen hours?

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Give or take.  I think that was how long I was down.  I just couldn't stay up longer.  Now, I was able to sleep a bit longer.  I would wake, decide to try to sleep more, and would, and hour at a time, or two, for the last two or three times I woke.  I would still be asleep, but there are limits to how much I can push, and I hit the limit.

Dreams... of that first woman, the one I lost with the child.  I really did like her.  I keep trying, even in my dreams, to remember her name.  Sometimes I don't believe she was real.  Sometimes I know she was.  I just... I wish I could remember her name.  We had a wonderful little life, for a very short little while.  That is probably as good as it gets?

There was another woman I dreamed of.  Just a wannabe.  There were... so many women.  Some I knew, biblically.  Some I only wanted to know.  To be honest, I never wanted to be with many women.  I only wanted one.  But, between losses, including my memory and the horrors of losing a lover in that way, and moving, always, doing things.  And... all else...  I... ended up being with many women.  Just one, it's... all I ever wanted.  One to know, hold, have, fight with... against.  Just one.  Odd how men who have only had one woman might find themselves jealous.  I tell you, better to have only known one, and well.  If you don't like one woman, you really wouldn't like a lot of them.  Certainly not most of them.  :)

Waters are here, many of them.  Now to figure out how to get them stored, with what else I have.  More arriving, soon.  Just... trying to keep up on water.  Supplies, again, are going to be problematic.  Even cat food may well become scarce.  I don't know how to feed Sassy well, if that becomes a problem.  Litter, too.

Though, with cat litter?  With Sam, and Sassy, I was going through 24 thirty six pound bags every two to three months.  Since Sam died, I have only gone through... three bags, in that, what, two months?  And, that, in part, refreshing from the last of Sam's litter bombs.  I ordered another grouping, before she died, and haven't even gotten to what would have already been gone.  Crazy.  Sassy goes through a bag a month?  At most.  And, I have... twenty six bags left?  Still, if I see an opportunity, I will get another pallet of pallets of those.  And more food.  I'd like a year of food, so I have some time to figure things out if cat food will no longer be available.  And, yes, it may well happen.  Heck, human food, of certain sorts, is becoming scarce... or too expensive to consider.

Well... on to... waking, I suppose.  Later.

I really want to go to bed.

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Achy, headache, tired, cold... sleep would improve on all of those things.  But, I have an appointment coming up.  Actually soon.  I have to be awake later in the day, in a few days.  Actually, there might be a social need as well.  So, yeah, I am going to push on through, as well as I am able.

I have been on medicine, if just once a day for now, for a week, today.  There was some confusion, about which day I actually started.  While it seemed like a Friday, that was my bedtime.  So, really, I started Thursday "night".  Anyway, so one week of medicine has been taken.

Insulin is also going in, but, after some initial serious drops, it's staying a bit high.  Better than it was, but... not going down as quickly as it often does.  Though... I'd... rather be cautious, then to have it plummet.  That is terrifying, and makes me feel so bad... it feels like dying, not a good feeling at all.  But, it has been started, and is improving.

Actually, you know what?  I am going to crash.  I am just too tired to keep pushing through.  A few more in-game things done.  Setting up a few alternatives to the way I started playing.  Not really convinced these new 'builds' will help me get through those last bosses.  I'm not sure I can beat them.  Not without so much work that it really isn't worth my time.  I'll... think about it.  Perhaps practice in other places, which will test and train the new skills and methods.  So much lag, some of it is built in.

So, yes, on to bed.  For a bit or for the night?  Probably for the "night".  Goodnight.  Have a great day.  I'll send a prayer out, for all, as I go on back to sleep.  Amen.

Cold, people.

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I grilled a good bit earlier.  It was 16 out there!  Ugh.  It was up to 20, last I checked.  But that is still very cold.  Yea, I felt something coming.  As with last year, it didn't hit here though.  Or... yet.  But this year, instead of Colorado, it hit Montana, and maybe Idaho?  So far.

I called my mother, just to see how the ol' girl is doing.  Good, by the sound of it.  Though they had hail, and the threat of tornadoes last night.  She doesn't know the temp, so couldn't say.  Though she has heard it might get cold there, or is cold... she just doesn't have details.

Gaming.  Can't get going.  Even with the furnace up, cold fills the corners of the place.  Door sealing has helped, but... it's... just the reality of living in a cold climate.  You really can't have it warm, unless you have it hot.  Then... it's... too hot!  Ugh.  Still, I'll... keep trying.  For now, gaming, and sleeping.

Hoping it warms to above freezing, so I can do chores in good conscience.  Though, if it doesn't warm, I'll have to do chores anyway.  Poor things.  If I think it's bad for me, it is much worse for them, fur or no.

Well, back on to gaming.  I'm running out of hidden, secret, complicated to find, bosses and else.  Now, I think, mostly, I am down to the hardest bosses in the game.  Three of them.  There is a cheese for one of them, but that cheese takes just as much practice and deaths, from what I have seen, as just learning to beat the boss.  So... I might as well just do it straight up.  Bleh.  But, I... am doing last rounds, looking for a few items.  I respec'ed, if only slightly (respec'ing is changing attributes, such as strength number, and health, and such).  In this game, it is relatively painless, later in the game.  Not sure it will work out, or help, but... trying anything I can.  As, what I had tried simply wasn't working.

I may not be able to beat the final bosses.  Time will tell.  But, really, I don't want to spend more than a few tries on them, at a time.  I get too tired, my heart hurts.  I have... limits.  Still, I'd... like to get through, though, too.  Bleh.  Later.

Up!

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Maybe more ~up!  :)  Nearly, mostly, somesuch.  But, I think it is a good thing.

Awake, feeling rather well, maybe going to get to things today.  Not a lot, just... some things.  Get dishes going, from wherever they are.  Start a load of laundry, maybe do two... three?  Clean the litter box mats, let them dry, then begin placing those around the house, so Sassy has a place wherever she might find herself.  One of the new poop scoops arrived.  This one is made purely of wire, but thick, heavy.  I thought it might be too open, but was impressed with how well it works, and that it doesn't get clogged.  It... may well work out.  Remember, just because I doubt something, doesn't mean I won't try it.  Amen.

I dreamed of a girl, from my first highschool years.  Carolyn.  She has a big butt.  She was a big girl.  But she was one of those beautiful big girls.  Now, I already had a girl, and I was trying my damnedest not to screw her... if that... wasn't what I really wanted.  So many eyes on us!  And, I had already learned, doing two, or three, or more, girls at one time is super... problematic.  She did let me know that, any time I wanted, I could get some bounce.  I had four other girls who were quite available.  I sweated those years like you can't imagine.

Yea, some guys just... have it on tap.  I didn't go for it, mostly, while in a swimming pool, as a tadpole though.  The middle aged women were available, discreet, and expendable.  Yea, I was screwing their moms, from time to time, and quietly.  I... wonder if any of them guessed?  Some of them probably knew, if I don't think that... bothered them at all.  The 60's really screwed things up, for from then on.  It has probably always been a bit... fresh, life, sex, women.  But it... really changed then.

She was a big girl, Carolyn, but had that bumble bee figure.  I sure wanted to ride her.  But, truth is, I wanted to ride them all.  And, eventually, I gave it a hell of a shot.  I rode 'til something broke, then kept on riding, even when I sprained it.  I swear, sometimes, when it gets up, even now, ever putting it on light duty for over a decade, it still... has a sprain when it wakes up looking for sunny shine.  :p  Like my nose, from so many fights.  If I bump it, rolling, on the pillow, the fracture line is still there.  Yea, funny these things.

Hmm... more info than you may have wanted.  But, there you go.  Still half dreaming of fat bottomed women.  Like being flower-bombed, the smell, feel, intoxicating.  Still can see her offering eyes, and grin.  She really wanted to be ridden, and it would have been super, until she wanted to talk, or negotiate the price of the ride.  Always... the price.

Anyway.  Down at around 15:00, up at 22:30, giver or take just a bit on all of it.  Life is good.  I'll try to get to work, play a bit more, do chores at sunup, stay up until at least early afternoon again.  And... enjoy life, even if it hurts.  Later.

Took a while.

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Did I mention I fear heights?  Right.

So... what does Doom do, when... having fun?

Right.

Well, almost.

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From before.  The mortgage company failed to do anything with the loan.  There was nothing they could add or subtract.  It is what it was, and that is as I expected.  Still, when a pessimist?  If it turns out good, it really is a boon.  When it goes south, that is what was expected.  Amen.

It was the deal with my bank that I had to sort out.  The young woman I called didn't know about the service to which I was inquiring.  There for a second, she had me wondering if I had somehow been involved with a scam.  But, after a bit more lag time, on hold, her seeking more data, the solution was found.

As was the number to call.  Not sure how I got into that number, at all, in the first place.  Perhaps it is what is wrung when they are closed?  But, to dial it requires dialing a whole different number, at least when they are open for operations.  As well, I had to reset my password.  If I set that up before, it... was forgotten.

So, finally, I have the ability to check my balances and transfer money, as needed.  Looks like I have been a bit hamfisted with spending this month.  So be it.  I'll be a bit more careful from now on.  I... do that, when I don't have access to my balances.  Or, am more likely to do it.  Most or all bills are paid, so... probably okay.  And, I have some in savings if something goes off-track.  Ugh.  But, now, I can... see what I am doing and stop doing some things.  Bleh.

Later, or more likely goodnight.  

Not bad.

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Done.  Both calls.  Successes, both.  I can barely stand, but can't sleep.  So, I'll be awake a little longer.  Part of the problem is I had to jack myself up to make the calls.  Seems strange that I would need to do such a thing, but... had to.  Didn't practice calling, or even go to the bathroom.  Was headed that way, then... forgot.

If, now, I can be up until, say, 14:00?  Then the day will be right.  I'll keep pushing.  It has started to snow again... or was a bit ago.  Yea, and remaining cold.  Very strange.

A call, from my mortgage company.  Wanted to know why.  I told them why.  They asked if they could try again.  Sure, I suggested, if I am not holding my breath.  If you add points, you just tuck the extra into the loan, over time.  It doesn't really change the payout.

She suggested that people refi, and yes, they do.  If the interest goes down.  It's... not going to go down, probably ever... or in my lifetime.  Once they start raising it, the only thing they will be able to do, that will make any sense, is to continue raising it.  Wait until interest rates, for a home, hit 20%.  The choice is that, or such a steep continued devaluation of the dollar, and every currency officially or not pegged to it.  Choices.  None of them are easy, only one of them is right, brutal or completely destructive... choices.

So, no, there will be no refi.  What I get, should I go with a new mortgage, will be as good as it gets for the rest of my life, as an opportunity.  So, no, I won't sell my bank tomorrow, for a hope of the day after tomorrow.  That... is done.  And, at the price of even this house... well... life has gone a bit nuts.  A good time to sell?  Then again, what is money worth, where could it be put?  They are stepping on gold, shoving silver up. it's all rigged.  Certainly wouldn't put it in stocks or bonds.  All overleveraged by vast amounts.  Much of it merely being supported by the artificial and becoming worse through automated inflation fiat.  There... isn't a good way out of this.  It's more a matter of what will shrink less, not what will grow.  All growth, at this point, is perspective illusion, not real.

Well, that's what I'm saying.  Believe as you like.  Still, I got things done.  Tired, but... sticking with things.  Can't do physical, mechanical, manual, work.  But... might be able to stay awake a bit longer.  And, say a really good long prayer as I go to sleep.  Along with the constant prayer, which is sort of... contact with God, at all times.  Is that a prayer?  Or... meditation?  It's an always on beam of energy between He and I.  I have had it, mostly, since I was young.  Even when I tried to deny, somehow.  I... always knew.

Later, or goodnight.

Still awake.

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I might be able to get the calls in.  Can't be sure.  I know, why not just do it now?  Because, I have to... be in a right state of mind, and capacity.  That sounds odd, but when you are mostly dead, and have been for decades?  We'll... talk.  Trust me, life is very difficult for me.  Just getting on the pot, and shitting, in proper order and time, is a trick.  I'm not even sure, sometimes, if my voice will work for very long.

Actually, I have to do the former, I hope, think.  So, while attempting to... do what is required to get off the pot, I may practice speaking, to see if I can talk for more than a few sentences.  It is a terrible thing to be so tired that you can't talk.  But, it happens.  And the only way I know, is if I do try, and then fail.  So, often, I won't call if there is doubt.  And... when isn't their doubt, for a Doubting Thomas?  Bleh.

I'll hit Sassy up with the last of her food, and clear her litter, on my way.  Oh, and perhaps go get the phone, just in case.  For all my problems, I do try.  I try, and try, and try, and fail, and fail, and sometimes succeed.  Even my successes, however, I do not claim.  I thank God for those.  I don't thank Father for my failures, but I do hand those over as well.  Sometimes... it's all I've got.  On the good side?  Failures mean I haven't quit.  And, that, in truth, is my only key.  Amen.

Well... on to things.  Later.  Or goodnight.

Ah, right.

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It's the cold.  That is what is causing the crash.  Starting meds is playing a part.  But, actually, that... just that I am able and functioning enough to do that... is a counter to the whole crashing thing.  It does add to the crash, most likely.  Still, the reason I am in this place, condition, is because of the cold.  It "warmed" to 21, from 19 as a low.

Being the middle part of April, yea, that's cold.

Still, I am awake, I made it to 8:07, so far.  Hoping to make a few calls.  Need to be awake a bit longer.  The places I call don't really start taking calls until 08:30, maybe even 09:00.  The question is, will I be in shape TO call, at that time.  I am hoping so.

Tuna salad.  Not fantastic, but it's something.  A right food.  It worked.

Oh, I should get a small dose of fast acting, then a dose of the slow acting in.  Might as well have one more fatted coffee.  It might help me get the phone calls made.  Cold, really cold.  At least I can say it did snow.  It took forever, I felt it for the longest time.  And, yes, here it is.  Even so, not sure it is done, but not sure it isn't.

Well, back to gaming... looking through the bosses I might have missed.  And looking at other lists of things that might have been missed.  I've tried several of the last big, hard, bosses on my list.  For now, I would rather tinker with lesser things.  Just not quite ready to dig into that mud.  Then again, I really like finishing as much as possible, finding the little things that might help, even possibly against those bosses, and just hollowing the game.  Getting every bit of meat of those bones possible.  And there is a lot of meat on those bones, some fat too.

May have to turn the furnace up a tadge.  Tidge?  Whatever.  A bit.

Later, or goodnight.

No sleep, yet.

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Nor has extra work been done.  Can't really stand, can barely sit, but can't sleep.

It is 19 outside, or last I looked about an hour ago.  Slipped from 22 at about 01:00?  Around there, perhaps a few hours later.  It's 06:25.  At this point, I want to be awake later.  Not sure I can be, but would like to make it to 08:00, even noon.  But... not even sure about the earlier time.

A fatted coffee, but I haven't had the slow acting insulin yet.  Blood sugar is up to 152, without more food.  So, I can take the slow acting, without fear.  If I eat something else, perhaps take a small dose, say 6 cc's?  Something like that.  Yea.  Pushing it.  I push when I can.  I am thinking, perhaps, a salad?  I'd like tuna, or some meat with it.  And I have some.  But, I won't.  Just a salad.  I don't have the energy to fuss with heating the meat.  Tuna wouldn't need heated, but...  Then again, maybe?  Maybe.

Medicine, if just once a day, is happening.  I ought to call the V.A., and order my next round.  I didn't have as much as I had thought.  Which is a good thing.  It means I wasn't off it as long as I had thought.  Odd how time can seem to fly when you are dying for medicine.  I just couldn't... pull it together, get it set up and going, or remember to take it, even when it was set up.  Try as I might, sometimes I simply have no capacity to do what should be simple.  And I do try.  I like what these meds are doing.  And, for the most part, I can handle them.  I don't think it is them which is the problem, it is me.  Something just fails.  No amount of medicine can seem to change that.  But, I'll... keep trying, until that too is out of my hands.  Then, I won't need medicine ever again.

Oh, I should call the bank, too.  To make sure I can manage my accounts in a different way.  Since the internet is dubious, for banking, for many reasons.  I had... sort of given up.  Then I stumbled upon a potentially much more secure, better, way.  I just need to let them know that I want to do that.

Ugh.  So tired.  Can I stay up long enough to do those things, and be in shape to do those things at that time?  I doubt it.  But... I doubt everything.  That doesn't mean I won't try.  It doesn't mean I won't succeed.  It just means... I... doubt it.  All good.

Later, or goodnight.

A bit freakish.

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Blood sugar, that is.  Being 241, initially, I was still careful with insulin.  Two doses, of fast acting, smaller... medium really, doses.  I figured it would get to maybe 140 to 180.  Nope, right at 99.  And that was with the carby potatoes.  Well, at least I don't have to mess around.  Though I will be taking slow acting.  Should have taken it earlier.  Or... did I?

No, I think I kept forgetting, until I just held off.  Forgot, really.

Another fatted coffee, a bit more play time, then on to bed.  In rather short order.  I didn't get any more work done.  Barely staying awake.  But wanted to see blood sugar, several hours after my last meal, before... doing much else.  Or I would already be in bed.

Just a bit more in, to moderate the slow acting and any residual decline in the numbers.  While 99 is okay, good even, it's... always a bit of a number to be feared, as I am settling in to lower numbers.  It's a spooky world, some days.  I'll just be a bit careful, then on to bed.  Goodnight.

Food!

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Bacon and eggs, but with an extra... hash browns.  I did... okay.  Two of the four eggs' yolks broke... partly.  And the hashbrowns were only so-so.  If, sum total, better than diners offer, at any price.  Not sure why, maybe the fats on the grill are of poor quality, or have gone somewhat sour/rancid?  I always get heartburn and digestive issues when eating at the chains, or even most local mom and pops places.  So... I don't eat out anymore.

No, actually, given that, my breakfast was very good.  Room for improvement, but... not bad.  In part because my better flippers, since I do real over easy, without water or other tricks, were in the wash.  I need to get more of those, and get rid of the other ones.  Quality, thin, spring steel versus cheap, soft, thick steel.  Yea, I'll put a few more in the basket.  Same with the soup strainer and cupper.  I... really like those, but I only bought one each... to see.  I wouldn't mind keeping three of each of the better utensils around, tossing the rest.  They aren't the prettiest utensils, all of them, but the work like a charm.  Some of them are handsome.  I don't care about looks, just utility.

I've taken two slightly larger doses of insulin, if not nearing the forty that threw me yesterday.  But, too, I had higher carbs, with the hashbrowns.  I'll check blood sugar in about an hour.  If it is all good, even if a bit high, I'll take the slow acting and go on to bed.

Oh, the vid I put in the other day, about the bosses?  While, initially, I was just watching, and laughing, I realized I... didn't remember all those bosses.  So, I started investigating.  After a quarter the way through, I have done five to seven more bosses!  Most of them, so far.

It seems I would mark the location, and just move on.  On the good side, I am overleveled for most of these.  So the task is much easier.  Though, the thing with this game is, even if you are overleveled, there are mechanics in the game which will kill your 'toon at any level.  Falls, water traps, things like that.  So... yes, I have died.  Rushing through for the seeming ease.

Sassy has been fed, the rabbits too.  Litter has been tended.  I may try to get the waterers caught up, so I am full up for the next time I need to put food and water out.  It is, or was, getting cold out there, again.  Colder, even.  Thought to check, while at it... and brought the barrels in.  It is 22 F, and the rain and snow has frozen over everything.  April 12th?  Wow.  Okay.

Ugh, breakfast was good, but... so filling!  It wasn't even that much.  It's the type of food.  This is what people ate when they worked, hard.  Then again, it followed a bit close after chia... which is like oatmeal, on steroids, as to filling.  Bleh.  But, it is nice, once in a great while, to eat to full and change.  Should make sleep easy, when I get to it, if I can get past the bloat.

Oh, and... fingernails?  Now they are growing like mad.  I used to need to trim them every few days to week.  Now it seems like every other day I am having to hit them, or maneuver around fingertip tools!  My hair grew, extra, for a while.  Then, at a certain length... just... stopped?  I am assuming there is some limit to length.  Perhaps putting it up into a pony tail most of the time causes breakage at a certain point?  Something.  I'd like it to grow longer, just not... sure how to mess with it.  Braiding, rather than a tail?  But... braiding is a lot of work.  And, it has to be a certain length before it will braid well.  I'll... think on it.

Well... later, or goodnight.

That snow I kept expecting?

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How much we really got is difficult to tell.  There is just an icing.  But that it stuck at all is something.  Oh, not much, just.  Then again, I'm not sure, but, it ain't over?

Maybe.  Even thinking it would snow, I wasn't sure it would, if you know what I mean.  I just sense that this isn't over.  Even if I think it has to be.

Chores, first thing.  And Sassy fed.  Not long in the saddle.  Up before sundown, mostly.  It is light enough for them to find their food and water.  And drink plenty.  If those will freeze tonight.  I didn't check the temp.  Okay, 28 F, with a freezing mist with it.  Icing over everything, including my nearly hidden thermometers.  Which means the wet wind is out of the west.  West by slightly north west, to be more precise... at least hear.  An... odd direction for wind, a rarer one.

Hoping to get to more, today.  Dishes and laundry?  A shower.  The bathroom, cleaning and sorting again.  Oh, I finished the waterers, until these were brought in.  I'd like to get these done, so I don't have that hanging over my head.  Cleaned my pee jugs, I have five of them.  In part, because I can, on a wild night, fill two of the three liter jugs... and, because sometimes I can't keep up on them, even when it takes two to three days to fill.  I just... fall behind.  Would have more, but more is... sometimes less.  Too few, I choke on keeping up.  Too many and I choke on... keeping up!  Odd how that can work.  Five three liters does as well as I can hope.

Oddly, on or off medicines, lately, I haven't been holding as much, or letting go of as much, save when I just start, for a day, or some point in the stoppage, then my body just realizes there is a problem and opens the floodgates.  Usually, now, a three liter will last two to more like four or five days.  Much... much preferred.  I hate filling a jug a night, that is difficult to keep up on.  Actually, for this, I am thinking of keeping one downstairs.  Since I refuse to sit to pee, it just isn't manly!  But, I hate the nature of man pee indoors.  I may keep one down that I use through the day, or two, until it is full, then dump and clean it overnight while I sleep.  So I can still stand and pee, but not horsepiss the whole bathroom.  Some advantages come with disadvantages.  God is tricky that way.

Yea, I will try to work tonight.  Still a bit tired.  Will try to go to bed before it is too late.  Would still be sleeping, if only I could.  Tired, even sleepy, just not either, enough, for the moment.  But the first chance I get, back to bed... even if just for a few hours.  Want to sleep the night, be awaked during the day, even if I have to checkerboard things.  Amen.

Blood sugar has slightly dropped from the very high of later yesterday.  Down to 241 fasting, from 361 last read yesterday.  The slow acting is helping.  But, I need fast acting with breakfast.  I... won't be doing a forty cc shot, though.  I may try twenty, see how that does.  If it needs more, I'll have more later.  Weird how that can do nothing, then all of a sudden bring down the temple that is my body.  Samsun of medicine?  :p  Later.

Nothing else, but...

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It is 13:00, or just about, and I am still awake.  About to go to bed.

Blood sugar, after the dive, has gone sky-high and is staying there.  Nothing I can do changes it.  It'll... just have to come down on it's own.

Trash, or recycling, has been picked up.  Should both be gone by now?  Maybe.  There were times when I wouldn't have heard.  I won't bother with the barrels now.  When I wake, or tomorrow, or... well, not today.  Tomorrow, as some say, meaning just that... not today.  Tomorrow becomes not a day/date, but and indication of when not... which... is not today.  Check.

Feeling better.  Still a bit rough, but nowhere near as tough as it was.  I think I will take a painpill.  Shouldn't.  But, then, this isn't the same types of pains I took it for last time.  Maybe it will work.  I just want to sleep, and this might help.  But, I am back into days, or trending that way.  Sleep might well help me keep that trend.

I thought of calling mom, but decided to give her a bit of a break.  I'll call soon.  The thing is, I always fear disturbing her mellow, and yet I fear missing that last call.  She isn't ill, but at her age, she doesn't have to be.  A slip, a stroke, an organ failure out of the blue.  But, not just on her side.  Trying to balance not being a pest, yet staying in touch.  Ah, I know.  Tomorrow!  :)  :p

Goodnight people.  I'll hold many of you in my prayers by name, some of you by your natures... good or ill, you'll... be in there.  I'm starting to lose my breath.  It's definitely bedtime.  I'll pray quietly, this time, I suppose.  Goodnight.

Some of it, so far.

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I got the trash bagged, and out.  And, then, the barrels to the curb.  It is recycling, or according to a number of neighbors, so... that went too.  Very good.  Nothing fancy, but getting the trash out, on time, when needed, and recycling too, is always a very nice thing.  When there is only yourself, to do things, things... lots of things... fall through the cracks.

Chores are what remains.  Getting tired, worn down to the bone.  And, it is still cold out there, like 27 to 29... still below freezing.  Nutz!  Still, I'll... try to be awake long enough to regain my footing and get out to it.  Or, at least, stay up to ten before crashing... noon if at all possible.

Hmm, I think I forgot to take slow acting insulin?  Crap.  I honestly can't be sure.  I'll do a blood read in a bit.  That... might help me know.  Actually, it looks like not.  I'll get that in, and, then, at bedtime, test again, and maybe take some fast acting.  Ugh, but this night has been messy.

Oh, had to order more water.  Sure, I could make my own.  But it would cost nearly as much, just in expendables.  But, with time and bother, it would be a nightmare.  I... tried for a bit.  No.  No, it won't work that way.  I have... half a score? a dozen? on the way.  I still have, say, three cases, maybe four.  But go through them fast.  More so as things begin to heat up.  But... I'd much rather chug sparkling water, than almost any option.  There are no calories, no sweeteners of any sort, no chemicals, no... just... carbon and water.  In plastic, I suppose that is the worse of it.  But even some of my freeze dried coffee arrives in plastic.  Getting away from that is next to impossible.  No, I'll take what I can get.  I'd like to figure out a way to more easily get more of the water down into the basement, and back up.  A pulley of some sort.  Perhaps a crank one?  So it will hold it's place, and I can pull, maneuver, small groups of cases up and down.  I'll... look into it.  Doesn't have to be extremely robust, just able to handle, say, forty pounds... or a hundred, for safety?  I'd probably never do more than twenty, but I like to overbuild.  The advantage of putting it in the basement is that it will stay cooler, create less leaching from the plastic, so last longer... with a better taste.

Back to gaming, for a bit.  Taking care of minor trophies, side bosses which mean nothing except to me, and little and big things I want done as I go through.  Overpowered, but still dying, to bosses and even yard trash.  I have maxed out much of what could be increased.  Still finding spells and such, even weapons.  Sometimes quite by accident.  Bleh.  I should make a list of things I don't want to miss next time, that I missed this time.

Well, on back to things.  First the slow acting.  Then gaming.  Then chores.  Then maybe fast acting... with, say, sardines, or cod liver, or such.  Later, or goodnight.

Feeling slightly better.

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I would have gone to bed hours ago.  I was tired enough.  I just felt so bad that I felt I didn't dare.  A... deathwatch, if you know what I mean.  To live on the edge of life and death is quite a thing.  To have that refined, in rare moments, going from a road width to a razor's width... will garner attention.  So it did.

I can't quite get to bed at any time really soon.  The opportunity has passed.  Which is more frustrating than you can imagine.  I still feel a bit rough, but... not dying rough.  On the good side, I should be able to get the trash to the curb.  Oh, I think I have some I want out.  Meat that went a little long in the tooth, and I certainly don't want it in the house until next week.  So, I'll get it as I am going on out.  Not much, just that.  And the bag it is in.  Some things can't be salvaged.

I had a frozen pizza, as well.  Either that or carb tabs.  Even with blood sugar going up, I need to take long acting?  Something like that.  The stuff I take once a day.  I don't want to take that anywhere near a dropping blood sugar, it really compounds it.  I purchased frozen pizzas, to see what brand I might like, and then as rare treats.  Haven't found one I like, so far.  Two more brands to go.  Dog food, for humans.  I may skip that as a treat, and find something else.  Treats are supposed to be good.  I wonder if my, or any, store carries keto ice cream, made with whole whipping cream, and sugar replacements which don't actually spike insulin?  I ought to check.  I just need something, from time to time, that is, or seems, sweet or savory, both probably if not at once (I don't want sweet pizza or savor ice cream).  Something I can just pull and use.  I'd like it keto, but... not even sure that really works, at this point.  But, that... I'll still try, most of the time.  Bleh.

So, yea...  Getting the last of the trash out, and that to the curb, would be good.  And, before long, do chores.  Then to bed?  I'll take slow acting insulin, give it an hour or so (need to be up that long for chores anyway), test blood sugar, and maybe moderate a bit either way if needed.  THEN to bed?  Maybe.  Back to the eight to ten sleep time?  Probably.  But, with a medical trouble in there, so... that always messes things up.  Later.

Crashed.

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Trying to see my way beyond the crash.  Blood sugar was 276, so I decided to take 40 cc's of fast acting insulin... with breakfast.  Yesterday, chia breakfast jacked blood sugar by sixty points, for... whatever reason.  So I should have been healthily safe, even without breakfast.

But, no, not today.  Today, after an hour, I started to feel funny, in a not so funny way.  Tunnel vision, the sweats, muscle weakness, nausea, and some other things.  Blood sugar?  But... that... shouldn't be.  A quick check showed it to very much be the case.  It was 73.  Now, 73 doesn't have to be terrible.  Or always bring about that crushing sense of approaching death.  But, when it is an indication only of direction, not a static read?  And, within an hour, it dropped two hundred points?  Yea, it's death, storming the castle gates.

So, I ate stuff.  First a fatted coffee, which was already in the works.  Then a salad, then a taco salad (nearly as above, but with beef crumble... well meat crumble as it is half pork, half beef).  And water.  For whatever reason, I needed water, too.  Like... three to four liters.  Needed water, not wanted.

Still in rough shape.  I would go to bed, but I want another fatted coffee, and to test in another hour.  If it is... good enough.  Too high counts.  I'll go on to bed.  An hour or two.  That... is unnerving.  To have the floor just drop out from under one.  So tired, though.  I really want to go to bed.  I also know, that could be death if I didn't get enough, or the right, stuff in.  I may grab a bottle of glucose tabs, and down it.  It's been an half hour since I ate, I shouldn't still feel this bad.

Anyway... so be it.  Some bastards just don't, won't, can't seem to, die.  Weird.

Definitely not a nap.

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Twelve hours down?  Give or take an hour, or two.  I actually would still be in bed but I couldn't quite stay asleep, and being in bed, awake, is actually painful.  My will was to sleep more.  It just wasn't available.  But, the extra sleep did help.  Still a bit weak, in muscle and nerve.  Just not so weak that I am shaking.  If, too, I won't be doing a marathon any time soon.

I did get a bottle of water kicked out, reset some dishes, reset the kefir, and brought the absolute last of laundry down for a run before long.  Oh, fed Sassy, and tended her litter box.  I've ordered more litter box scoops, so I can put a litter box in two extra areas.  I was not interested in having a three litter boxes and one scoop to clean them all.  Actually, I... hmm... I may have small trash bins to go beside them, too?  Maybe.  Though there may be one out in this front room I can do double duty with.  Beside, I use doubled grocery bags as the first containment.  I keep it loosely tied.  After it gets about a week of materials, I tie it fully, then put it in a bigger bin.  It really works, especially with one can and one which isn't just voiding all and everything, constantly.  I still feel terribly for Sam.  Even through it, she had a very good attitude.  Still curious, still loving, she is an amazing girl.

Oh, and it was freezing this morning!  It was 26 at about 08:30, when I was going to bed.  I checked tonight, it is 38?  What month is this?  That is just plain cold out there.  April 10th, and this cold?  Crazy.  But, so be it.

Well... on to my... day?  What passes for a day.  I will just have to sleep when I have to, and do what I can, when and how I can.  Back on medicines, always a rollercoaster ride.  But, with weather being nutty, and changing so greatly, I'll be down for the count until... unless... it steadies.  Patience and prayer, amen.  Later.

Perhaps back to bed, for just a nap?

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I've made it about four hours?  Something like that.  But I'm... not going to last much longer.  I did get insulin, if it... didn't seem to help?  Okay, well, I probably tested too soon.  I has, blood sugar, come down.  But initially it went up.  A very odd thing, given that I only ate chia seed, and took... significant doses of both types.  Still, I... abused food yesterday rather significantly.

A very little bit of gaming.  Just so tired, can't concentrate.  I did get a few more items, on my list of things to do before new game plus.  I haven't beaten the last boss, or even the second to the last boss.  Nor, to be honest, am I sure how many bosses there are left!  I have tried searches, but come up nubs.

Hey peoples!

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Not feeling the best.  But, awake at a reasonable hour.  Not sure it will last.  I am awake, in part, due to a sour stomach.  Too much yesterday.  Beside the cake, micky-d's.  Horrible stuff.  Then a frozen pizza when I got home.  Trying to find a brand I could have, once in a while.  That... wasn't it.  Between it all?  Bleh.  Well, and I forgot slow and fast acting insulin.  Slow acting just went in.  Waiting for breakfast to finish brewing, to test right before, and choose how much fast acting to take with it.  Probably a bit, to get it back into trim.  Though who knows.  Sometimes that stuff is tricky.  If you, generally, have been eating really good, your body sometimes... sometimes... lets you be a stupid kid for a day.  Not that all kids are stupid, just... well, in youth there is always hope, in spite of knowledge or wisdom.  Amen.  :p

Still, I am awake.  If I can, after spending experience points on learning the waking maneuver, I'll put a few points into housekeeping, and get dishes and laundry a step further in the processes.  I did get the rest of the laundry down from upstairs.  I keep thinking I really should be dead.  And I keep not being dead.  So, there is that.  But as one suggested, old age doesn't add up to wisdom, it just adds up to... old age.  Sometimes there is a bone in there, somewhere.  But with what else comes with it?  I'm not sure it is worth the price of admittance... I mean for others seeking the wisdom.  Association with an old grump is... a generosity, not a benefit.  Though, there is something to that beyond what it seems.  Amen.

Imagine, though, sleeping yourself into old age.  It doesn't seem... fair.  But, as I and others have said, and know.  Life is not fair.  It is more as if I were in my thirties, by time lived.  Sleeping the extra twenty and change of this life.  Not fair, but... life isn't fair.  And, while they didn't tend me, and knew to do so, at least they didn't... or successfully, kill me off.  Though, whether that is a boon, certainly not intentional, is another question.  If you are going to condemn someone to death, kick the can... would you?  But, what is done is done.  And, I wouldn't recommend them to finish what they started, at this point.  Now, it would be a hellbound decision.  There is a difference between letting nature take it's course, and shoving the dying into a grave.  Amen.

So, today?  Though it is God's day, and a gift, I will do some light work.  Ass... hole.  If it is in one, you are obligated to get it out.  So, cleaning is... required... when and how I may.  If I can, on any day, I must.  God knows this.  I am only doing chores every other day, so that isn't on my list.  Though I need more feed, Monday at the earliest, but sometime this week.  The food is lasting longer.  Not sure why.  A lot longer.  Though I think it was being stolen.  And I have made that a more difficult prospect.  They still get in, from time to time.  But it's a bit more work to get in, and out, with much.

Later.

On back to bed already?

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Absolutely zapped.  Just... getting a few things done, then getting to town, absolutely crushed me.  All good.  Worth getting out.  Even put the groceries away.  I think I can live with this.

I really had hoped to do a list of things, in the game.  But, you know what?  If I can sleep a night, and wake sometime in the late night to late morning, and have some or more of the actual day?  I'll take that.  I have things I want, and things I more need.  Daytime is a need.  That is when people are alive and able to help, or might need help.  Both are great graces.  I... need, and want, graces.

I thought the coffee might help, but really, the way things are working... to the good... sleep is too needed, and wanted, to be ignored.  I should sleep quite well.  I have taken meds.  Only insulin needs to get taken.  Hmm... actually, I want to take one, give it some time to work, then take the other.  But... I won't.  I'll take the slow acting, and go on to bed.  I just realized it is already 02:39.  So, it is already late, if still much earlier than my, of late, typical bedtime.  Goodnight.

To the store, and back again.

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Fresh veggies, more salad, milk for kefir... if not exactly what was wanted... it will do, bits and pieces.  For the good deed, a bad.  Strawberry angelfood cake.  Amen.  Hey, even a devil gets a treat for pushing the, majority, right line... now and again.  I... can't remember how long it has been since I have actually had something sweet.  It's been a while.

A strange world out there, it seems.  So secular.  Dark.  When they convince them to kill themselves, and each other, the path to the end is nigh.  Not sure that has happened, but there are signs and portents even the blind can see.  Only those who choose not to see don't.  And, even they do.  They just don't care.  They are busy shopping for their preferred poison, for the short trip to hell.  It may seem long, but even a thousand years, with your head stuck in a bottle, or on pills or smokes or shots... will seem like... but a flash, in hell.  Where you will know eternity like not even those in heaven can know it.

Time, which will be mooted, will fly in heaven.  In hell, it will drag on, and on, and on, and on, and on.  Strange how that works.

It was good to actually be clean, dressed, and out.  It has been so very long.  I put a little gas in the tank, just enough for a trip or two to town and back.  Try writing THAT three times fast, and I don't mean "that".  No, I won't fill up.  If prices come down, I'll begin filling again.  Until then, I'll just add a quarter to half tank at a time, and drive even less.  Let them choke on it.  We all know the prices are fictions, created to rob those who can't avoid it, and deny those who can avoid it.  Our government is officially evil.  It means to do everything that is happening, from price gouging to inflation, to the destruction of the dollar, to the destruction of the family, etc.  Every bit of it was intentional.  The "elites" think that is the best path forward.  But they are all owned, so actually know better, but can do nothing about it.  Nor would they.  Evil is as evil does.

Hmm?  Right.  I'll... try to wake up now.  I did get groceries put up.  And got cream.  It isn't the good stuff, but it will do.  It seems, the dairy wanted to automate their cream production.  Planned it, with a company, a year ago.  The company failed utterly.  Two batches of cream were destroyed in the process.  Oh, I get automation.  Even on a family dairy, the work is murder.  It would be good to get some of it automated.  But if you are going to do such a thing, be a little more sure?  I suppose, there are conmen around every corner.  But, shouldn't you look a little deeper?  Then again, the young, and overworked, are easy to trick.  I'll just pray they can get back on their feet, and sort this out.  Perhaps find a legit engineering firm which has, and can, automate on a reasonable budget.

Still, I have something for now.  I forgot to check... bleh!  Distracted for a second, and it's gone...  I forgot what I forgot to check!  But, I have COFFEE!  With CREAM!  Oh, loverly.  Not saying sour cream isn't as good.  Wait, yes I am.  It is... interesting?  Different?  Not bad for a rare change?  But definitely won't ever be my desired daily driver.  Cream!  Whole, whipping, nice.

Well, on to some gaming.  And, I think I will take a painpill, even if I said I wouldn't.  Doing what I did beat me up rather soundly.  Oh, but I did set up dishes, for a run later.  And I plan to do a load or two of laundry.  I cleared Sassy's litter, and fed her.  Doing well for going between blissful to wretched in the blink of a red dry tired sore eye.  *wink*  *grins*  Still, I'll... give it all I've got.  Amen.