Certainly not everything.

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But much of what was... needed, possible... for today.  Water jars filled, a spare in the r.o. carafe, and the reservoir filled.  Bacon, the whole lot, baked off, then stored in the refrigerator.  Bacon and eggs as a gift for my efforts.  About an half dozen to dozen little tasks like that, plus what was done this morning.

I had to take my time, bide my time.  I couldn't bum rush the sets of efforts.  Sometimes I could do two, or three, little things at a time.  Sometimes only one at a time.  And, finally, one of the bigger ones... a shower.

As much as I love showering, even bathing, at times they are a lot of work.  Today, this whole week, was such a time.  But, done.  I was worried it might lift me, raise spirits, enliven, as I am getting ready for bed.  No, that... isn't a problem.  It did the opposite, strangely.  Wonderfully.  I should float down to bed, and sleep quite well.

I have been paying attention to finances and business.  I am trying to... get things set just so.  Get a few things closer to being paid off.  Yet keeping enough money in the account so that I don't stumble half way through the month.  Am I getting it?  Until a few things clear, nothing is clear.  Utilities of various sorts, mortgage, and?  I'm not sure.  Still, I think so.

I am not so much doing personal accounting, but I am guessing, on shoestring budget.  With gas and electric changing so much, and a few other variables, it is... difficult to keep it just right.  But, each month I am getting closer to a right arrangement.  Perfect?  I don't think that is possible, as things are.  But, I... am doing better.  Improving each month.

I much prefer fire and forget.  Can't trust businesses to play right.  So I am having to stay somewhat conscious, to pay attention, and to watch everything.  Some of it has been my fault, some of it not so much.  We'll see.  But, as mentioned, doing much better.  I still have debts.  But those are coming down, and savings is going up.  Zero interest, on debts, for the moment.  Getting it paid before interest kicks in is the trick, then keeping it just at some nominal floating balance after that.

Had to laugh.  They suggest that I am doing so well that they want to offer another line of credit.  Laughed, I did.  Right out loud.  No, I don't think so.  I suppose I could bury myself in debt, then go for a bankruptcy.  I just don't want to go there.  I'm surprised they haven't closed that off, yet.  It will happen.  I'm just not interested in usury.  I used this card to get food, and supplies, for a longer haul.  Did it, have it, now to pay it down and get out from it... mostly.  I'll use it, and savings, to repair the house.  But only when I could pay it all off, if needs be.  A quarter debt, a quarter savings, and half from monthly income?  That's the hope.  On bigger items that won't work.

Anyway... it's about bedtime.  Sassy has been well fed, and tended, today.  I've had a meal and several kefirs, plus a shower!  Love those things.  Now it's on to bed.  Right around 19:24.  Very good.  Good evening and goodnight.

Nearing 32?

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Last I looked it was.  Though it was melting the driveway and sidewalks of any snow which had fallen, and ice which was still around.  Not removing much snow, yet.  Still have... a foot or two on the ground, other than were it was piled while being removed.  All good.

I tried to call my brother.  He didn't answer.  So I called my mom.  She thought I was being fussy and argumentative.  I thought she was.  Had to laugh.  Not sure if she thought it was funny, but I did.  Still, we did end up having a good conversation.  No!  Or... mostly.

My brother called back a bit later.  All good.  We had a good talk too.  We are... beginning to see eye to eye on the V.A.  He realizes they can't be trusted.  They are just hiring people, and using us to bill for them, everyone getting a mongo cut, our health isn't of their interest.  I suggested getting a second opinion.  He thinks he may go to a real doctor.  I wish him the best.

I keep hoping to get more going.  Not sure anything else will, can, happen.  Still wanting a shower.  Just so darned tired.  In the process of baking bacon, in the oven... yes.  I got most of it done.  One more batch.  Then I'll have some bacon and eggs.  Love that stuff.  And, should have bacon to add to liver and onions.  Love that stuff.

I might yet get a shower.  We'll see.  Later.

Good.

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I got a few more minor chores completed.  This, and that.  Three, maybe four, but all very small.  Working on a few more.  And, I got the final trophy for the game.  I figured these last two would somehow turn out to be more difficult than they seemed.  That wasn't the case.  However, the last one took everything up to this point, plus a step further, to complete.

I won't end the game.  I may go on and play on through, in an attempt to maximize certain items in the game, should I ever seek to play it again.  And, really, I would like to get my favorite weapons maximized for a potential insanity level play through.  Just to... see if that shaves even more difficulty from the thing.

Now, to get a shower.  Not quite yet, but soon.  I'm filling the water jars, from the r.o. device.  Maybe a tea after?  I lost track of water, and this happens.  Anyway, doing well for the day.  I had hoped it would warm a bit.  And it may yet.  But currently it seems about where it was?  I thought I looked, but memory sucks in the shady days of winter.

Be well, Godspeed, God bless, and... later.

---------

So much for a rebate or exchange, on the air fryer.  The company doesn't allow the use of Brave browser.  And Firefox has gone stupid.  Have to sign in?  No, I won't use that.  And there aren't any other browsers which are safe to use.  Oh, you use a different one?  Cool.  Either you know what you are doing, or don't.  Oh well.  I'll just chuck it.  Not much to be done for it.

Gaming.

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That wasn't all.  I got the trash together and out, and the last of the recycling.  Still some of that to pick up, but... the low and mid-low hanging fruit of that has been managed, and all the trash.  Well, all that is actual trash, is out.  Boxes, and other stuff, sure.  But for now that doesn't count.

As well, kefir was turned over.  Heating water for a fatted coffee.  Would like to eat, but not all that hungry.  Odd.  I just haven't been hungry in a while.  I've been consuming kefir, and other things, but rather small meals.  Kefir fills.  Maybe that is the whole of it.  Or, I am just a bit ill?  Not sure.  

A thin layer of snow, over everything.  Just enough to freshen the white out there.  No ice under, so it's just fine.  It is 25 out there.  It started at about 23 this morning, when I wake, and has been creeping up a degree every few hours.  I... can't quite call that warming.  Just the sun doing what it can, through the clouds and else.

I am down to one last trophy.  Then I can put the game(series) up.  Then?  On to Fallout 4.  It seems I never completed the trophies on that.  Odd, in that I play it every few years.  Not sure why I didn't.  Perhaps I thought the trophies were too ridiculous, didn't like the idea of them (if I have to do evil things, I won't), or just... never thought about it?  Dunno, I'll figure it out.  And, after that, I have one more open world game to do.

Not that I'll be playing game after game after another.  I'll take some time off, after this group.  A few weeks, months maybe.  Try to take the gains of function, and work those into more of a physical function... get to dishes, the hall, boxes, and such.  Try to get back to physical work, until that crashes me and I need rest.  Then use a game to push back to some sort of function.  It's as good as I can do.

A shower, in a bit.  Then?  Who knows.  Not a bad day, so far.  Later.

A similar cycle.

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Down at 19:32, up at 3:23?  Something like that, as good as memory serves.  A good night of sleep.  A reasonable wake.  Not as painful today.  All good.

I got to somethings right away.  Sassy was fed.  I've been... late, and slow, with feeding her.  The last two mornings have been good.  But through the day I have been slacking.  I'll improve on that.  Then, trash and recycling collected.  Recycling out.  Now to finish getting trash out.  Nearly done.

I had to rest.  Sit.  But, I wanted to work on the warrantee for the boots.  It was messy to get to it.  More pictures.  They wanted some specifics.  Tag, general picture of boots, plus proof of purchase/receipt.  I think I got it.  Had to sign in to their site, fill out a form, then reply to an email with pictures and a copy of the receipt of purchase or some such.

But... the phone has the pictures.  Still, it was mostly easier to respond on the computer, but the two don't really talk, and I don't want them to.  Had to allow things, for the phone, which I don't normally allow.  Microphone?  Location?  No.  Which means my phone only works when I add allowances.

Still, working between the two devices, I got the response written on the computer, then got the pictures and pdf of the proof of purchase put on the reply.  Actually, I think I had to do the proof of purchase on the computer, too.  Still, done.  Sent.  Then, after sending it, I looked it over.  And, yes, reading and viewing were easy enough.  Good job.

Next, to get the trash out.  One bag to go.  Next, some gaming.  So I can wake up, and ease into the day.  A shower before long.  Though I may try to turn the kefir over.  And, perhaps, have a cup or two of it.  If I can.  Tired, to the point my lungs and heart feel slightly tired, even burn a bit.  Pretty... usual, these days.  Later.

Again, a bit later than hoped.

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Couldn't do much through the day.  Toward the end I found a project.  Looking for a blog post.  Still looking.  Though I have set the project aside, as I realize it it bedtime.  19:20, and I am exhausted.  Didn't get my shower.  Oh well.  Did put the thawed meat in the fridge, so at least it won't go bad... or overnight it won't.

Yes, on to bed.  I'll crash, hard.  Goodnight.

Not sure what they believe.

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Dead, or should have been.  That's... no doubt true.  Did things, that people don't, can't do?  Doubt they believe.  Though... they suspect something.  They just won't believe what they... can't... see?  Something like that.  Though, too, I think they mock.  I... enjoy.  Annoying if it gets a point, that sorts itself out.

Almost seven?

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Time sure flies, when trying to wake while not doing a great job at it.  Not even sure how time went by so quickly.  I was doing something.  Blogger seems to have changed something.  I attempted to do a search, based on tags.  Instead, it placed tags on a bunch of my previous posts.  I have been going through, pulling those off.

I am not sure how many posts were wrongly tagged.  Only that I got through the first section, which had four new tags.  There are... a lot left which where labeled "music", but which have no music on them.  So, I suppose, I was actually doing something.  And it is a long, boring, repetitive, easy to mess up, task.

Some posts maintained their original tags, others didn't.  I have no idea how, or why.  But I am doing my best at resetting things correctly.  Many may lose small tags, like "dream(s)", or "health", etc.  I'm still not sure how to use the new system for searching.  Have to wonder if they did that just to mess up posters.  Trying to get rid of us.  Surprised they haven't just shut down, to be honest.

Still, it's what I have until it's gone.

I think I'll have a can of sardines, then later gizzards.  I'll skip eggs and bacon, for today.  Oh, and I want to have bacon ready, for when I do liver.  The mix, with onions and bone broth, is quite good, and good for you... if you can handle it.  Sardines aren't bad either.  Too small to be farmed, so free harvested.  And, with a plentitude of omega 3, to help with the omega 6s from most of my meats.  Though, if you get rid of seed oils, you will bring your omega 6s way down.  I can't afford sea foods well enough to make it one to one, but I can... improve things, vastly, by adding a couple of tins in a few times a week, perhaps other canned fish as well.  I just don't have a good way to eat enough of it.  It's a bit rich as canned, and too expensive fresh... or what passes for fresh on highland near desert inland areas.

Still, I do enjoy, from time to time.  Might have two cans.

A shower, and resetting kefir, are the primary more immediate goals.  But I still need to wake a bit, energize.  Perhaps sardines will help.  And a fatted coffee.  Later.

Scheduling has... potential.

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I was awake until 18:00.  That was a bit later than planned.  Thankfully it didn't get too out of hand.  An hour longer than planned.  That I can still work with.  If I stay up far too long, I'll end up spinning through days and nights.  I was able to stay down until nearly three.  I wouldn't have minded a little more sleep.  As, lately, I have been sleeping more like twelve hours.  It's just how deep winter works for the ill, and high summertime.  My body is limited, needs more rest at times.  At least I am not sleeping for weeks at a time, or longer.

I probably got up every few days, for something to drink.  A gallon of milk, a gallon of water, or such.  And to pee.  Once every week or two I would drag myself out and eat, usually.  There were times I am pretty sure I slept for more than a month, just getting up for water and pee, no food.  Didn't lose an ounce.  Ate a whole chuck roast, potatoes, and else, when I woke.  All at once.

Medicine has helped things.  Even if I am no longer able to get it, it has... helped something.  So I don't even sleep weeks at a time these days.  Just longer or shorter days.  Though, from time to time, I do sleep several shifts in a day.  But that's different.  Usually when I have pushed too hard, worked too hard, for a bit too long.  That, too, used to cause me to sleep days or weeks at a time.  Now sure what medicines did, but they... altered... something.

So, up, today.  It is actually in the morning, if early morning.  Though not so early as to be a grave difficulty.  I checked my card.  I pay my amazon card off, then use it when it is clear.  It was clear, so I placed my order.  The goal, at this point, is to pay it off, use it lightly (decreasing monthly lately, and hopefully from now on), paying down some of the usage, and keeping a mild balance.

I do have another card.  That got a bit ahead of me, but I have planned to pull that down, and get it under control.  When it gets paid off, I'll use it and some of my savings for a new electrical panel.  When that gets paid off and savings recouped and then some, I'll begin taking quotes for a furnace and air conditioning unit.  Bit by bit, I guess.

A shower is in the plans.  Didn't get to it yesterday.  As well, collecting trash and recycling.  A bit more work in the bathroom.  I have been doing bits and pieces, keeping slightly up, but it always needs a bit more of a push to keep it topped off.  And, perhaps, get to that hallway.  Not sure I believe I can do these things.  Winded, my lungs burn.  I will make plans anyway.  We'll see.

Some kefir, for breakfast.  Now for fatted coffee.  Caffeine doesn't add much, to me.  But it does, or can, add some.  Maybe bacon and eggs later.  And gizzards again for my main real meal.

Groceries tomorrow, Friday?  Something.  Dishes in there somewhere.  Working on laundry that has been done.  Ugh.  So much to do.  Later.

Half an hour to 17:00.

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I... can't do much.  Still haven't showered, not sure I will, can.  But... I am pushing through the day.  It hurts.  Not a headache, but a mind ache.  And, yes, the heart hurts.  Denying it sleep stresses the thing.  And, yet, if I don't, I suspect I would have died long ago.  Have to... push, just not too hard?  Something like that.

While up, I was looking through y.t.  It is lightly moving, showing new things, showing old things.  It had been stuck for... a long time.  I did find a few things I enjoyed.

14:00, and counting.

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Seven minutes shy, but I'll get there.  Perhaps make it another hour or two?  It hurts.  But... I'm trying.  Wednesday?  Yes.  So... I have a few more days to make it to later afternoon.  The goal is for Saturday.  Ugh.

I haven't taken a shower, but will keep trying.  Didn't have much to eat.  Sardines, and a fatted coffee, it turns out.  I'll have another kefir before bedtime.  And, if possible, turn the kefir over, reset it.  So tired though.  Not sure I can do that.  I'll fight for the shower.  Not sure I can fight for the kefir.  Though... who knows.  Sometimes it works out.

I was amazed.  Looking outside, the driveway was not only cleared, but was clean down to the tar.  Did it warm?  I've been underdressed to go out, in hopes of getting a shower.  So... I... didn't go out!  Love it when the ice is gone.  There was ice down there.  I didn't think it would clear off for a while.

I had hoped to get to the store today, but it's just not possible.  Just getting a shower will be a trick.  A shower was required, for me to get out.  But I haven't gotten to it in as timely a fashion as possible.

Still hungry.  I did pull out three packs of meat.  Burger, pork roast, and gizzards again.  Yes, I... really like gizzards.  Will pick up more, if available, next time I am in.  Meant to do livers, but keep forgetting to buy onions and pull out frozen stock so as to make it rightly.  Hmm, I have chicken, and beef, liver.  I'll try chicken this next time.

I keep writing lists for the store... and promptly losing the list!  I have written three lists so far, and have no idea where they have gone.  Ah!  Found one.  It's only a partial.  I know there were other things I wanted.  Remembered a few things... light olive oil... for mayo, onions for a dozen things, garlic for aioli, and more butter.  There are other things.  I think I saw corned beef on sale.  I really love that stuff, stock up enough to have it a few times quarterly.  I would love to corn it myself, but, right now, that's just a bit much.  And the meat to do that with costs too much currently.

An ugly day.

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It isn't snowing, or last I looked.  And the roads are clear, my driveway too.  That isn't the problem.  It is a wonderful winter day, as far as they go.  No.

It is being so very tired.  My house being in such a mess.  So tired it nearly hurts.  I am planning a shower.  Just... to clean me up a bit.

I have paid a bill or two?  It's a start.  Most others are on automatic.  Though I need to check utilities.  Last month, if I saw correctly, I was three dollars and change in debt?  Right.  The last bill I was was that.  Then, I have to wait until the 8th or 9th to see if they took my mortgage out before spending anything more.  Well, other than pulling some walking money, and doing some grocery shopping.

I did get money put into savings.  And added what I had to take out last month.  While I have had to pull money from checking, so far I have been able to put it back.  It's been a struggle, but I am working on it.

I just feel so tired!  Oh, maybe a cup of tea, or coffee?  That might help.  It's just a bit after eleven.  I shouldn't feel this tired.  Okay, fine.  Some coffee, a shower, and I'll see from there.  Later.

Memory doesn't serve.

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Still, I think it was around noon when I went to bed, give or take two hours.  More likely shy of that mark, but difficult to know.  Just waking at about a quarter to one.  Would have kept sleeping if that were possible.  Trying to push days and nights around.  With some minor success.  Need more!  

Today?  Well, it's payday.  If I can get a shower, I'll go shopping.  I'd like to do a quick sweep and mop in the bathroom.  I have been keeping the sink and toilet fairly clean.  Laundry is pretty much done, but dishes need hit.  Don't know what, if anything, I can do.  Will... do what is possible in those areas.

Sleep was good.  Warm enough.  Sassy slept with me for the last few hours.  And was given a good few sessions of itching and massages.  Which helps me wake.  She really enjoys the simple things.  And, I have learned not to scratch too hard, and massages are more along the gentle side.  She loves how I treat her, these days.  Took a while to learn, but learn I have.

Then again, sometimes she just likes to sleep there near me.  I take care of her heating, so she can just sleep deeply.  I sure enjoy my little feline friend.

We'll see, about finances, this month.  Should be better.  But I am holding on any bigger spending.  Just... trying to see where I can get.  I still have $60 in walkaround money, and $130 and change in the main finance account.  So, I can replace the $200 I pulled from savings, without too much difficulty, as well as the usual $200 in for this month.  Trying to keep up.  Gotta fight for it, some months.  But... yeah... I have been fighting, if taking a bloody nose here and there.

I'll keep at it.  In a year or two, I may have enough to begin getting some things done on the house.  Electrical, first.  Then, a few years after that, a new furnace and central air.  Then, maybe, a year or two after that, new flooring in some rooms.  Ugh.  Or the bathroom redo.  You know, things.  I would still like to use credit, for a quarter of those bills.  Keep enough in savings to cover the credit if need be.  Just to... not squeeze any resource too much, at any given time.

Well... on to my day.  Kefir going down as I write.  I'll get something else in a bit.  Have a good morning, day.

Crashing.

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I've tried to get to a few more things.  Truth is, I should have crashed after shoveling the first time.  I held out well though.  Did pretty good.  And got a bite to eat.  Soup, nothing fancy but it was warm.  With the fats, it was filling enough.

I did receive information back, from Keen.  But that system is down until Wednesday.  It happens.  At least they let me know.  And, they suggested they will back their sales, even if through amazon.  Some companies won't.  All good.  Just have to weight.  I even learned how to use the camera on my phone, and got some pics.  However, getting that to email is another thing.  

Gmail isn't working, or much else.  Not sure what I need to do to get it working.  Will... keep working on it though.  I'll probably sort it out in time.

Rough.  Can barely keep my eyes open.  Not sore.  Not even exhausted, or tired.  Just... very sleepy.  Have a great day.  I'll keep trying to push, one way or another.  I both stretched my day, and did some heavy (for me) work.  Life is good.  Just need some sleep.  Goodnight.

Finished a bit of the drive and sidewalk.

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The wind has gone down.  So it was much warmer.  It has stopped snowing, so that was good.  I did get a good bit winded, but was able to do the whole project in one go.  Well, what was left of it.

After, I contacted Keen.  I purchased boots from them a bit ago, last November, near the end.  The strap for one of the laces broke.  Keens are a bit pricey, but usually very good.  This... I felt... was unusual.  So, I contacted them.  I even took pictures, in case they want some.  When this business is complete, I will kill my camera again.  It shouldn't require the microphone.  So I shut it down.

I am hungry.  I did have some kefir, which... helped.  Tried to go earlier, just... wouldn't happen.  An hour or two after kefir and... softserve.  :p

Not sure... ah!  A can of soup, with some extras.  A can of carrots, or peas, maybe both.  Some spice, of the hotter sort.  And cheese, perhaps some sour cream, or creme fraiche... whichever I have that is still good.  Yes, that... makes for a fine small meal on a cold day.  Later.

Another three to four inches.

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Yes, more snow.  And it is still coming down hard.

I redid what I had done.  Only, this time, I am shoveling a path to the front, and clearing the forward... southern... however you want to call the sidewalk to my front stoop.  Just... because.  Didn't wear gloves or a scarf, so had to return before I could finish.  Then again, it's breaking my balls again.  So would have had to return anyway.

So far, we have had around eight inches?  Seven for sure.  It's beautiful.  But could be lethal without much effort, more so up into the mountains.  Still, life depends on death.  For balance?  Well, just because.  If no one, or thing, died, room would be tight, and no one nor anything would eat.  Just... a thought.

I'll warm up a bit, then get back out.  I'll try to keep up on those areas.  Just... to say I did something.  Gonna crash after this one or another one.  Though I'd crash last time, but made it through, strangely.  Surprises abound.

Oh... I keep trying to get to where I can remember morse code again.  I think I had it, once, so very long ago.  Whether I did or didn't is a whole other thing.  But, I'd like to get it back now.  Just... because.  Then, find a source, and keep the function in better shape.  Here is... a way that looks good to me.  Maybe?  Maybe.

Checked the temp.

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While doing so, I noticed snow.  Four to five inches?  Something like that.  So, I got the shovel, gloves, a headwrap, and went to it.  Not... all of it.  Not close.  But the first ten yards out from the garage.  It helps, if someone works it.  Just... makes it easier to clear.  Plus, makes me feel... like I did something.

Not much, but not bad.  It did break my balls.  Getting old, it was a bit of depth, and it was a wetter snow than usual, for this year.  But, I did it.  I even enjoyed it, if I might end up needing a nap before long for it.  Nap?  Or another night's worth of sleep.  Difficult to know for certain.  Lately, when I go down, it's for a goodly bit of time.

Sort of hungry, but... that... requires cooking.  Hmm, might be able to get some kefir in.  I may have to consume some of it in order to reset it anyway?  Some.  Not my usual amount?  Not sure.  I'll review the situation.  Hmm, would love to find parchment paper.  I am sure I had a bigger roll.  Maybe the whole thing was taken?  Why?  Well, I'd like to use it in attempt to fry eggs.  Uhrm, what, you ask?

Not terrible, not great.

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I think I went to bed around ten?  I woke up... after 23:00.  How much after I just can't say.  Within an hour or two?  Probably.  Just not doing all that well.  Not in pain.  Not mechanically inept.  Foggy, of mind, from having pushed and not quite being able to get back on my feet.

I am tracking a few things.  Keeping up on a few things, and preparing to try a few things in order to use compression more often.  What I currently have, for compression socks, are... mostly... harsh.  I can't wear them daily.  So, I am looking at a few alternatives.  Lighter and longer.

On the good side, I think I have gotten my legs and body emptied of a lot of excess fluid.  I may not be dying, but living without suffering takes a lot of work for me.  I have to be careful what I eat, drink, and how much of each.  I have to be careful not to cut myself by accident, everything I do needs to be planned, and implemented... assuming I can.  But it's what I have got.  God hasn't let me die?  Not absolutely sure on that, but the things I have lived through, just the things I tried to do to myself?  If that isn't miraculous, I don't know what is.  And, add in what the world, biology, and other men have done, attempted?  Yeah.  It... sure looks miraculous.  Still, there it is.  A lot of work.  At this point, I... do it... I do my best.  I'm not just being sustained by and external force.  I am doing my part.

A dream.  I have lost most of it.  But it was extremely long.  Every time I thought it was about to finish, a new chapter would occur.  In time lapse, it was probably about a month of living.  With sleep, days remembered, some days fully lived.  I could discuss enough to give you an idea, but won't.  You'll... probably understand before long anyway.

A double bloody nose this morning.  But they are done, mostly, so far, already.  I've had a few, recently, lasting all day.

Sassy slept with me much of the night.  Sometimes she does, usually she doesn't.  Cats aren't dogs, that's for sure.  And, usually, when she sleeps with me, it's just to try to wake me to get food!  She's a practical girl.  Last night she was just up there to sleep.  I enjoy having her with me, but cats are cats.

On to something?  Gaming, if I can.  Though the game might be having a problem.  Some trophies don't seem to be popping as they should.  And one of them doesn't seem doable?  It requires actions, that produce an outcome, that doesn't seem to be happening.  I'll... keeping trying.  If... I can get to it.

Haven't eaten much.  Can't really get to it.  Not all that hungry.  I'll have some kefir shortly.  Didn't even eat that yesterday.  Too tired, had missed resetting it for a day or two and was low, and really wasn't all that hungry.  Too tired.  Oh, and I best pull meat from the freezer.  A pork roast and a beef roast, burger, liver?  Something... two of those, three if liver as that is a single meal.  Hmm, need onions for that, and stock to be thawed.  Bleh.

Good morning and day.  Later.

What was possible.

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No work.  Only short times of gaming.  But awake until 13:18.  Trying to push back into full day.  Might take a while.  This is a good shot.  I'll now see about staying down long enough to push it along.  Chances aren't all that great.  As well, staying up tomorrow?  That will hurt.  This hurts.  Still, will give it a shot.  Need to try to be able to be awake later in the day by the end of the week.  Ugh.

It looks like y.t. is stuck on not adding things.  So be it.  I keep waiting for a fairly large refund from amazon.  Not that I need it, just want to use it in order to buy a few things out early, before next month.  We'll see.  And, looks like my account has stabilized, visa vie checking.  Nothing more has gone back out.  More than half of what I put in remains.  It can be sent back to savings if that remains, on top of else into savings.

Okay, a few things.  But very small checks on things.  On to bed.  Goodnight.

Better.

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I made it through the crash.  Easy gaming, the food, and electrolytes in a drink mix to actually slake thirst.  I have been so terribly thirsty, yet so foggy of mind, that I couldn't make sense of things.  Drinking more water won't necessarily slake thirst.  Something in my system was just off.

So, carbonated water, electrolyte powder, and red wine vinegar... a much greater portion of water mind you, just enough red wine vinegar to taste and then a touch more.  That mix hits thirst like a freight train.  I had to do it twice, but am so satisfied.

Usually I have kefir to deal with thirst, or mostly.  But I didn't reset it yesterday, for exhaustion.  I got it this morning, but all things are low.  It'll be another day before I am back to drinking it well.  Two days of not resetting?  Or did I drink more the other day?  Something in there.

I'll make tea in a bit.  Seems cold.  That helps.  It snowed, not sure how much.  Doubted if I could get out today, so wasn't worried.  But it has been cleared.  Such a fine gift.  I didn't see who did it.  I've got other gifts to offer.  Nothing fancy, nothing they might feel a need to reject.  Not even sure they would enjoy it.  But... it's one of my favorites.  In time.  May offer them several, so they can share it out, or eat several times.  Canned corned beef hash... a treat with eggs and maybe bacon, and toast if you are allowed.

I also called my mother this morning.  I aimed for right after her breakfast.  And... I hit right after her breakfast.  I like it when a plan comes together.  She wasn't perfect.  Thank God.  But she sure tried.  She did what she could, and more.  It's not a fair world, it wasn't to her, or her parents, or theirs, or anyone's.  All we can do is the very best.  She didn't spare the rod, or belt, or hug.  She spent her life on us boys.  Good to talk to her, from time to time.  Would like to see her, just don't have the money.

I am thinking about more to eat.  Not sure what.  It would have to be canned.  Soup?  Not my favorite, but it's light.  Adding cheese, perhaps a can of extra veggies, and some hot spice.  That might do.  And, I have keto crackers.  I really enjoy crackers, but can't have them.  This is... nearly like those.

Still awake.

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Not doing much.  Even gaming is... a bit much for long.  I can play for a bit, then need a break.

I did find a last piece of roast beef, and had that as my meal for the day.  It was something, though not great.  There is a bit of a limit to how long those last.  It hadn't gone over it, but was getting close.  Food, some days, is... just food.

I had hoped to get to a few things.  Probably won't, can't.  Just too weary.  I may end up back in bed in a short bit.  All good.  If required, it is simply what must be done.  I'll get to work when I can.  It might not be this week.

Did get a text.  Messaged back.  Letting people know what is possible.  Well, and that I am sort of down for a while.  But I'll get to things.

My foot is hurting, again, today.  Every other or third day, lately, it has hurt.  Not sure why.  The pain isn't disabling, just... annoying.

On to a bit more gaming, then probably to bed.  Had hoped to gather trash, and get it out, and to the curb.  But that just isn't going to happen.  Can barely stand.  Just moving to where I can play the game, then doing that for an hour, will be a trick.  Later.  Or,,, more likely... goodnight, again.

Awake, pleasantly?

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No pain, water weigh most purged, not confused or foggy, really, a pretty good morning.  Not that I'll do a lot.  Still recovering.  I did some twists and flips with sleep and wakefulness, and some work, which I wasn't ready to do.  So my body is weary in ways I can't fully express.  Down to the marrow in my bones, there is an emptiness which is crushing.  Though, without pain, it isn't... so bad.  I just have to slow down, relax, and just... breath.

It'll be a week or two before I am back on my feet.  Getting back to mass is being planned.  I looked up the schedule at the closest church.  Looks like they have masses every day of the week, now.  Wednesday mass is in Spanish, but I might still go, if that is a day I can go.  I won't be able to go every day.  Just in fuel, I couldn't afford it.  But, I could go several times a week?  Plus one of the holy days (Saturday or Sunday, depending on my sleep schedule).  Really, for me, there are three masses on those days which are doable, in English.

As well, there are now two days for confession.  With the old business cleared, I can take care of these things locally and regularly.  I will be examining anger, gluttony, and laziness specifically.  I am terribly limited, in focus and function.  But I will be looking to see if these are issues, or when they are the issues.  When this close to dead, it really is a hard life.  And, yet, there might be... small increments which might be improved.  They are unknowns.  Areas which give me pause.  Of course, there are the usual.  Three months of pure chastity, at a time, is the best I have been able to do.  Usually just days.  Still, it's... an ongoing effort.  I would like to speak with those who have taken the vows, among those the ones who take them serious and keep them.  I am curious if my difficulties are... common.  Or if I just am not good at the vow.

I think I went to bed somewhere between ten and eleven, and woke after 22:00.  Perhaps half after.  Sleep was good.

I turned kefir when I woke.  Should have done it before bed, but was crashing so harshly I couldn't.  Am working the sprouts.  They are taking longer, for whatever reason.  And I need to figure out something for food today.  I may have a bit of roast?  If so, I am all good.  But I'll need to take meat out of the freezer as otherwise I am nearly out of cooked meats.  Burger, pork this time, and more chicken?  Something like that.

I need lemons, cultured buttermilk, and blue cheese from the store.  Perhaps a few potatoes.  I'm thinking I should clean and bake all those, then wrap them for the refrigerator.  To be second baked whenever needed.  A few times a week.  Not sure how long they will last in there?  May find out.  Just need one or two a week.  I'd like to check the theory of resistant starches with potatoes, rice, and... other things.  I'll start with potatoes, see if second baked spike my blood sugar, and if so by how much.  I need something else from the store, but not much.  Maybe fresh veggies, and salad?  Not a lot, but... yeah.

This week I am hoping to make more creme fraiche, ranch dressing, and this time blue cheese dressing from the same pre-ranch base.  As well, I am hoping to make mascarpone cheese.  Oh, something good with mascarpone cheese?  It is a superior stabilizer for whipped cream (homemade).  It makes it last much longer.  And, mascarpone cheese is just cream and lemon juice!  Check.

As I get these things together, I keep looking toward the crustless pumpkin pie/pudding.  The only thing I won't have squared, yet, is ricotta cheese.  But, if I actually end up making homemade butter, that... may solve itself.  Not something I would do every day, or week, or month.  More like a once a year thing.  Twice?  Like cooking turkey, or ham, or... such.  A rare treat.  

But the skills, and knowledge?  Those are priceless.  Especially considering the savings over purchased whole products of those natures.  Remember, the French merely made do.  They had a bit of cream, and some citrus, so... rather than eating each independently, they combined.  Realized one was an acid, the other reacted favorably to it.  Whatever they had, they might have little of it, fresh, at any time.  So... they learned to mix and match.  The French, other than the king... who ended up beheaded, and rightly... all kings, and queens, deserve that... were relatively poor.  Had to make due.  And did.  Ate like kings.  And, really.  Now, the king had ten courses, or fifteen.  The peasants just one or two, if lucky.

I wonder if people realize that while the king dined, a dozen people, between him and the kitchen, tasted bits.  From testing for quality, flavor, and else, some checked for poison.  Bureaucracies have existed since the first king realized he couldn't enforce things himself.  Then, even he, became a slave to the system.  But everybody who could took a bit off the king's plate, out of the treasury, etc.  All stolen from the workers.

What?  Just... chuckling.  Mostly.

On to... something.  Good 'morning', evening, night, or whatnot.

Absolutely exhausted.

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I did what I could.  I pushed beyond my boundaries.  I did get things done.  But it will cost me.  I have been fighting to stay awake, even to get to some work.  That isn't going to happen.  In fact, I am going back to bed before I fall out of my chair.  Can't focus on gaming, or blogging, or seeing what is happening around the world.  Just too tired.

I have dumped a lot of fluid.  Been going about every fifteen minutes.  Must have stowed way too much... wherever it goes.  Four liters out last night.  So, yes.  I am getting rid of fluid.  If, too, I am getting leg cramps.  I'll have to add minerals when next I wake up.  Vitamins too.  That does help.  Maybe potassium pills, the heavies.  Just until I have dried out a bit.

Well, on to bed.  Good day and goodnight.

Not exactly certain when I went to bed.

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Definitely looked at clocks.  Down here, upstairs at the alarm, and at the phone as I was setting it for night mode.  Nothing stuck.  No surprise.  My last post was sent in at 18:45... I thought I just read.  Sandy morning head fog.  Sometime around there.  Though, I added a vid or two a bit after that, perhaps an half hour later?  Somesuch.

I woke at two, right at.  Spent time binding my feet and legs, with the elastic bandages.  Not quite up to compression socks today.  Yet need something to help dump water.  A few days of, I think, running hot on hours, and twisting my schedule, in the wind, pushing well past may abilities to do well, I think, caused massive water buildup.  Sodas didn't help with that yesterday, but was necessary for other things.  I'm tending that... water pills, compression, what I can.

Foot is killing me, again, today.  But no painpills today.  I get those, generally once a week, or every third day on which pain persists... unless I can just say I am going to and skip it.  I hate pills, even more than pain, mostly.

Still, given what I just did, things... are good.  Now I can die in peace, should that happen.  Prayers are now efficacious.  I told the priest I would pray some rosaries this month, in gratitude.  As well, I have penance.  Usually we do that there, and then.  But I was crashing so quickly, and roughly, I... couldn't.  I know what the prescription is, and will abide it.  And more, of course.  Back on the road, and in the right direction.  Did I say road?  I meant path.  While it seems narrow, rocky, strewn with peril... and is.  There is only one way home.  I, for my own part, believe this is it.  And will not stray for popular collectivism, cynical denials, blasphemous among us, or else.  If today's leaders fail, then look to the fathers of the church, to the magisterium, to the church doctors, and let the false continue on their damned merry way.  Do as thou would, I will not go that way.

Not... really happily awake.  Just awake.  Kefir, raw, going down.  Breakfast, later.  There is a method of cooking I would like to try.  If it works, especially if I could do several eggs at a time, this would... ease cleanup without much fuss.  Oh, I don't think I have shared this.  Not sure I believe, but I don't need to believe, just try.  My problem is I can't find my industrial roll of parchment paper.  Was looking for it to make fish, anyway.  Playing with food is a joy.  I'll keep looking for it.  If I don't find it by April, I'll order another big roll of the stuff.

Life can be a joy.  It doesn't even have to expensive, if you can use your imagination and the ideas of those who came before us.  Look, the whole world is out there.  Even being broken, in pain, hobbling around, I... am doing what I really didn't want to do.  Living.  And rightly, well in my little way.  Later.

Made it.

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I was all messed up.  Things weren't right.  But... I got there, in time, if later than my friend had hoped.  I had to have regular soda on the way.  Caffeine, and sugar.  Which... caused it's own problems.  But it got me there, awake enough to speak, if in pretty rough shape.

Glad to have gotten the opportunity, though.  And been able to do it.  The hard part was simply trying to get it all together, and be there.  Even with a bloody nose, and my foot hurt, again.  I was gimping around, trying to get the nose to stop bleeding, getting dressed, while my body was trying to crash.  So I... was late, and needed a stop for soda.

The confession, itself, was... very good.  I didn't dither, stutter, whine, or prattle.  I merely stated a few things, explained how the course diverged, perhaps why as contributing difficulties.  But... brief, pretty plain, without being course or rude.  Some things are difficult to put too simply, but clarity and brevity were sometimes sparring, sometimes allied.  Went... very well.

I have practiced, some if it, for so long, it was easy enough.  Some things no other ear has heard.  I have even dreamed of it.  Odd, but the process, now that I have a good templates, of literal and figurative natures, really went well.  I will use these same templates going forward, if beginning to seek alternative methods... so long as they hold to traditional methods, the magisterium, and right ways of thinking.

Crash, still, but the caffeine is keeping me awake for a short bit.  Will be crashing, hard, shortly.  Would have been down by 9:00, if I had not had something.  So glad this is completed.  Now I can... keep it topped off.  Oh, and a thought?  Doing a daily examination of conscience?  Well, in the neighborhood of it.  Yea, I think I'll work on that.  Taking notes for confession.

Now I can begin participating in all the reindeer games, getting to mass, being there for masses where they want KoC participation, etc.  Well, yes.  That is the idea.  I had really gotten hung up on this.  Was just at getting it tended when covid hit, or whatever that was.

Good evening and goodnight.  I... will sleep easy, tonight.

Such strange... suggestions?

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A few songs popped.  At the... damnedest time.

They almost seem fierce.  Unless you understand?  I understand.

A few more things.

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Bed was made first thing.  So, there was that.  Then, I made sure the towels were dry, with a short run and check.  Being well dry, they were folded and put up.  Sassy, of course, her needs and some wants.  Kefir, then beef, and finally a bit of burger, beans, cheese, and sour cream.  Not sure I am done with that.

A shave was had.  Not a trim, or not just one.  I did use the electric trimmer to know back the light growth, then shaved.  Only two minor nicks, on the upper flat of the chin.  I was a bit nervous, I haven't shaved with a safety razor (hahaha, though, I suppose, compared with a straight razor).  I'll shave again, later.

I'll get kefir turned, if I can.  Hoping to get a nap, though.  Then a shower.  Everything takes time and energy.  Sometimes I run on adrenalin, paranoia, a certain type of fear... duty.  We'll see.

I did set up new sproutlings.  Not sure what I thought was a return of an old batch will actually make it.  I'll just clean that round out and wait for the next run.  The middle batch is hatching, but... just?  Or it doesn't produce as much?  We'll see.  Until you really do these things a lot, the learning curve must be endured.  Even when you get good at things, like kefir for me, there are still variables that can't be fully accounted.  It may not, generally, be rocket science (if... rocket science isn't rocket science, but rocket engineering)... but it is.  Sometimes.

Anyway... on to a few things, and maybe a nap.  A shower?  Gotta have a shower.

Oh... and found, perhaps, a better way to make butter?  Maybe.  I do have a stand mixer.  Not sure I ever used it.  Might have to dig it out and set it up?  And, make a few pounds of butter, and check the economy of that, this next month, or the month after.  Yes... yes I do like playing with my food.

A bit of effort.

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Even when I remember, going in can throw me off.  I haven't been great at confession, since the start.  Nor am I good at going on time, regularly.  If, mostly, it isn't sin these days, but flaws.  Certainly blessed to be away from mortal sins.  I have things thought out, set up, prayers and the initiation memorized, sins considered for presentation, when I get in there that all goes away.

I have learned to write certain things down.  As to sins, I keep those to just cues... in case I should lose the notes.  But the prayers, and such, I...  When I get in there, I can't maintain.  So, do what is wise.

However, being very out of practice, I wanted to examine a few sound reviews of the processes.  I can't read well, on these topics.  Vids are my best bet.  I went looking, and found what was required.  I have viewed the first completely.  Took notes.  Looked up a few things.  Then moved on to the second vid.  I am just starting into it, but will watch the thing in entirety yet tonight.  And... take... down notes.  Or, as mentioned, create cues.

Getting to it.

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This recipe has been plaguing my mind, since first investigated.  Now, it takes a lot of things, especially if making the additives by hand.  Beyond even the ingredients to be made are the products to be purchased.  However, being keto (doing my best)... or really more carnivore now, means... no actual brown or regular sugars.  So, alternatives must be found.

Butter?  Especially now that I know to wash it?  A maybe, as to making my own.  It still may not work as intended.  Still, I will try that.  So, that is an open question currently.  Mascarpone cheese?  I am calling that a probably doable project.  However, the ricotta cheese?  That is, most likely, not possible.  For me.  As much the time of standing and mixing, while cooking, and creating that much buttermilk?  I could but that particular buttermilk, but it is $9 or $10 a quart.  I really can't afford to just buy it.  I may simply have to break down, plug my nose, and buy it from as clean a source as possible, probably the whole foods store.  It'll cost, no matter how I go about it.  Though buying it outright is most likely the most frugal, by a longshot, way to go about it... even if that won't be cheap, just less expensive.

It is quite a laundry list of items.  Though, as mentioned, perhaps the best way to go is the path outlined.  And, yes, I will be using canned pumpkin.  It happens to be organic, if I would have chosen other if I could have found it with as clean of ingredients as the brand I found.  I just don't believe in "organic" foods.  It's a starvation farming method, which will starve too many people.  We just... pulled away, mostly, from mass starvation.  Shouldn't encourage going back to it.  Still, it is what I could find, which otherwise matched as closely my wants and needs as possible... and at a price I could, and would, afford.

So... I am lining up the target.  It won't be until after payday, and maybe later.  But the ingredient list has been formulated, the plan has been made, and things are moving in the right direction.  Why make it?  Well, it would be good to have a recipe I could make for a potluck.  Something slightly special.  And, for one, I miss pumpkin pie.  I loved the crust, at least on fresh out of the oven pies.  But never miss the crust on day after consumption.  So, this would work well for me.  I might even make homemade whipped cream, if I think that would be good with it.  Not the first tasting.  But the day after, if needed.  Or thereafter, if I don't have enough cream left from all.

Which recipes?  Ah, right, this and this.  Learning to make my own is far less expensive, on some things.  Though, if I successfully make butter, I may end up making... a lot of it.  Freezing some, refrigerating some, and keeping about a pound out at room temp, basically always.  So, maybe, in time, ricotta cheese might even be on the menu.  Made on a good day, and in prep for the whole thing.  Though... only continued if it actually makes a difference... a noticeable difference, and is cost effective.  Bleh...  Right, here.

Days and nights are still off.

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I could only make it to 13:00, 1:00 pm for most of you.  I crashed so hard it almost hurt.  And I had to make the bed, hadn't gotten to it yet.  Still, that done, I crawled in for one of the best sleeps I have had in... a while.  Warm, finally.  The last few nights have been bitter cold, but I couldn't do much about it before, during, or after.  Fixed, with the bed reset and bedding set right.

Woke around 20:00.  Would have liked more sleep.  Not sure I could have had it in any case, but this horrible headache wouldn't let me sleep again even if I otherwise could have.  Sassy has been fed, laundry is set to one more drying cycle, and the whites will be put over.  I'm doing well with laundry.  Now to hit dishes and the house a bit.

I heard nothing back from the priest, but have heard he is using a new email address.  Which happens.  Still, there might be another way to get it done.  Plans are made.  I have been given an offer, and am set to manage this.  Ugh.  It's a tricky world, you have to fight for things, especially if you really are nearly dead.  Heaven is worth fighting for, even if I happen to fall short.  There is... an app for that too.  If I'd rather not have to depend on it.  Trust me.

Some painkillers.  I keep talking of taking them, when the skin felt flayed, when the foot hurt, when... other things caused great pain.  But I haven't used them in a month or so.  Today?  Already down.  Some days just... just get to me.  Although rarely do I take them even then.  I guess every third or fourth day, when pain almost brings me to my knees... then I... allow it.  Suffering is good for soul, though, and again, painkillers used too often stop working.  At least these aren't addictive.

Good morning, and evening, day, or whatnot.  A classmate, as an eighth grader, but not familiar until 9th, was the first gent I ever heard use "whatnot", "somesuch", and a few other now familiar favorites.  Became a friend, for my part.  Clay... the undertaker's son.  A good chap.  I... have had a few good friends.  And a few backstabbers.  Who stabbed all they way through.

Still... I thank God for each.  And bless them.  I wouldn't ask God to harm even the betrayers.  They... tend to fix themselves, or end up as Judas.  There are only two ways in life.  Only two.  Like the sexes, there are no middle, ulterior, or exterior ways or forms.  Either you work for God within His will, or you work for Him by being a bad example.  What you do, good or evil, to another, you do also to Christ.  Even to this day.  He isn't a dead Son, or purely risen, to my mind.  Not sure what the church says, but I think our sins still wound.  And, yet, that He hasn't returned?  Means we... haven't neared to slaying the church completely enough for His return.  Though... don't take a breather.  Our church leaders seem to be trying.  And many who share a pew don't even believe.  Just... what... business?  Comfort?  Social?

Be grateful, even if allowed to be martyred, a true martyrdom.  Though, if not being directly martyred, thank God for the opportunity of being persecuted in His name.  I'll tell you, stand up to that, don't back down from your praise of God, and His truth, and the mansion will be yours.  Anything you could gain, even another thousand years of breath, is not worth the price of upholding truth... Truth, really.

I'm no preacher, mind you.  Just a fool who found gold in a field, while digging my grave.  Enough to abandon my grave, even to live in poverty, without a true worldly place, titles, or else which I thought I might obtain.  Rightly?  Wrongly?  In the worldly way, there is no right way.  Be in it, not a party to it.  Amen.

Later.

Awake, early, in some way.

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I didn't get to bed until 23:xx.  I have no idea what xx is, was.  But it wasn't midnight yet.  So, waking at six was... doing good.  Remember, I have been going to bed between now and noon for the last... two weeks?  So, yeah.  Not sure it will stick.  We'll see.

Sleep was cold.  I was cold all night.  I haven't been making the bed, or turning it, since I broke my foot.  I fell out of practice, with the pain an nausea, and never picked it back up.  Today, though, I reset my sleeping roll(s), and will make the bed fresh today.  Hey, it's winter.  Other than the cold from not having blankets sets, there isn't as much... nastiness of sweat and grime.  Especially if I shower much more regularly, or given the cold I do?  :p

Beside tearing the bed down, letting it air out, I sorted the clothes I took upstairs.  Dang it, forgot to bring the towels down.  Which... is okay actually.  I want to go up and make the bed up before going to bed tonight.  Have it all ready.  I'll bring them down then.  I think I brought other things down, so my hands were already full, and I wasn't interested in another trip up the steps.

Ah, right.  I brought compression socks down, and set them to a hand wash in a dishtub.  Gotta wash those things every third or fifth wear, depending on if they are the primary or secondary layer.  Though... a few more wearings isn't terrible.  Then I got whites going, in the washing machine.

Having a bit of kefir as I write.  Will game for a bit.

Sleep was so very cold.  Could not warm up.  Checking outside this morning, I see why.  It is 4 F, and crisp.  Must be dry as a desert bone out there too.  And... snow.  Three to six inches, five?  Depends where, but I think so.  I dressed warmly, today.  Some days I dress less warmly, hoping I'll get a shower.  Then I don't, for a day or two.

And, found out, finally, how to do a bun.  Hair.  Don't worry, I wouldn't wear it outside unless for a moment, if the house caught fire.  Women, in my opinion, shouldn't wear them outdoors either.  Men definitely not.  But, that's just me.  If you have long hair, and are at home, either to keep it out of the way to work, or sleep, or if going to bed with a wet head as I did, then... sure.  It's like pj's.  Not... a public thing.  But... women will be women, and sissies will too.  It's... actually pretty easy.  Almost falling off a log easy.  But you have to have some idea what to do.  Oh, and it adds volume to thin hair, when removed.  At least if put up wet.

Yeah.  I think I'll get to it, in a short bit.  Well, after kefir, web browsing, checking email, sending an email, gaming a bit.  I may take a stab at clearing and cleaning the hallway.  I am keeping up on the bathroom.  And catching up on what fell by the wayside with the broken foot, deep winter, and other obstructions.  Yes, a good day, perhaps.  Not heavy work, but, maybe, a number of small chores, duties, else.  Later.

The last load right on through.

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Two?  No, I think three loads through.  The last one is in the dryer.  But I am going on to bed.  I have whites collected, and in the washing machine, to be soaped and bleach added in the morning.  Or whenever I get to it, remember.  I even got the first two loads, plus some malingering clean clothes from the past on upstairs.  One heavy load.

I only had a piece of beef because I am up so late, having been awake so long.  Brutal, in some ways.  And my legs swell more the longer I am awake.  Ugh.  Perhaps I should take waterpills.  Yea, I may end up filling three to nine liters.  But ow well.

Quite a good day.  I even heard back, and have an email in my attempt to find a confession which will fit my needs.  I'll email tomorrow, see if an arrangement can be made.  What price, diligence, and duty is worth the soul?  I should have had this done, but when you are lost, alone, and dying... in the middle of busy frightened world, even standing or talking being a bit of a trick, it's... difficult to catch an ear.  Too busy, too many things to do, places to go.  And, I... understand.  Still, since I am still hear, I'll get to it.

My least favorite task.  In part because I never feel like I really know what I am doing.  In part, because it is stressful as hell... uhrm, no pun intended.  It's part of why I wouldn't have chosen Catholicism... the Church of Christ really.  It's... a difficult path, for as gentle as they offer some of the sacraments.  

Now, I truly enjoy the Eucharist (communion).  It's not crackers and wine, as some might suggest.  It is, in part, about the transubstantiation.  It is.  But, even more, it is being in union with God during these events.  If you aren't right with God, taking these, even as a Catholic, is a sin... or... as I see it.  Otherwise it is back to the wine and crackers mentality.  Not even the touching of the cloak, hoping for healing.  Do I believe?  How can I not.

Anyway.  I'll hope to get this wrapped up shortly.  Then I can make stronger attempts to join the knights, when at masses with causes, or saying the rosary between masses, or being at meetings, doing things, joining in.  I am not welcome, necessarily.  I... don't need to be.  Not by men.  I am not necessarily there for anyone but God.  Though, it is hoped, if I can get going, be more reliable, perhaps... there might be room for the more right of the men there.  Who knows.  Not my problem, even if it seems so.  Been at this gig, being alone, excluded, for most of my life.  I don't mind.  Just... trying to be useful.

On to bed!  Goodnight.

A... pretty good day.

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It's already 18:38.  That's... going to sting.  But, it might help kick the days back into square.  Right in the sweet spots, to do it though.  Ouch?  We'll see.

Kefir was reset.  It's got a fast turn around, so I have to drink a lot of it.  Some of the old seeds being sprouted were simply crowded out.  But, with the first top layer batch eaten, they have started to sprout.  As well, the new sprouts are beginning, if a bit slower.  All good.

While I didn't do any dishes, I did get them out of the way.  Had to get to pee jugs.  Cleaning, bleaching, drying.  Done.  That's a lot more work than it sounds.  Five full three liter jugs to empty, rinse repeatedly, then to hot water, then bleach and hot water and letting them soak until they cool.  Then, emptying, flushing with a shot of hot water so they dry faster, and... shaking them out and waiting for them to dry.  It's... a bit of work.  But, done.  I hadn't been able to keep up, so the last few days I just dumped and went with dirty empties.  It's all I could do.

Feeding Sassy, and myself.  Clearing her litter box, cleaning my toilet.  And attention when she wanted it.  Or while I was passing by.

Finally, some laundry.  One load clean through, wash to dryer, to out.  The last load is drying now.  Hoping to make it up long enough to finish that last load and take all of it upstairs.  I have another load in, but dry and without soap, to be done tomorrow.  After that load, a white load.  Should work out well.

I had to stop gaming.  The console overheated.  Then it wouldn't turn on.  I thought I might have killed the thing.  Nope, just had to manually push the startup button on the console.  But I don't have the controller connected directly to the console.  Too many problems.  Just tethered to a battery tender.  Can't trust Sony, or whoever makes those anymore.  When an American company won't or can't spy on us... for corporate greed or governmental overreach, there is always a foreign one which will do that.

I finally got it to work, after several cursory attempts.  And, now that it is working, I moved the game just a bit on in the story, then closed up shop because I am wiped.  As well, I found a few more billing numbers, and added those to my phone.  And, paid a few cards.  Just... a bit.  I have to be careful.  Though, I received a refund from amazon, and am expecting another.  If, too, I should have enough money now to get to the end of the month, and put that money on something.  Should be good, if I do have to make up for what I pulled out.  Shouldn't be a problem this coming month?

Oh, and I cleared the way to shower, as well.  It is set up in there for that.  As well, I have a bit of the roast heating.  It should be done when I get out of the shower... allowing me to dry off, as I eat a spot, then go on to bed.  The most successful day in... I can't remember.  Good night, day, and else.

Working on rebuilding my contact list.

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It is taking a while.  Bank, a few friends and family, requests for more through those.  I need to find my utility numbers, and billing numbers.  Some things are on my computer.  Or can be found through it.  I have bills, as well.  Some will probably be lost forever.  But those were numbers which were used for a short time, or never really used.  Just collected through time.

Gaming, here and there.  I turned the heat up, today, for a little extra warmth.  And, that made gaming difficult.  Too hot, the machine said.  Then again, I had been doing a trick, which required a great deal of reloading.  That... might have done it.

I called my bank today, and had to put money into checking.  It just goes that way some months.  I did... spend a bit freely this month.  But, still, it's been ten steps forward, to one step back, or nearly.  No... I think at least that.  I have been doing well.  Still, a step back is... annoying.  I'll be more careful this month.

Snow, again.  I'm not sure how much we got the other day, yesterday?  The day before.  Nor how much we really got today.  No worries, we need it.  Or... so they say.  I don't trust them, at all.  Bureaucrats are compromised, and either American hating, compromised, incompetent, or all of those and then some other things.  The ones who don't hate you certainly don't like you.  No friends in government, and the government is almost always, and decidedly, wrong.

No more food.  But the gizzards with mushrooms, with beats on the side, made a very good meal.  As well, kefir before and after.  Though I may have just a tad more kefir before bedtime, as I attempt to get a final trophy in the first game.  The second game is completed.  The third game has a few things to pick up... three I think.  And the set trophy collection requires only one more.  Getting there.  The most worrying, and difficult, was getting all three games finished, at insanity difficulty, and getting that to register.  Finally, I finished all the games... at any level, though too.  I had to wait, what, fifteen years to finish one and two?  Or at insanity level?  Can't be sure, but I think they were simply broken when they came out, and several years after.

As to playing on the most difficult level?  Some of it was simply not fun.  But it is completed.  Great to be playing on the easy mode, to pick off the last few things.

Oh, and it is past noon!  So, I did make it up.  As to finding a confessor?  I called that place three times now, to no good.  But there may be a workaround.  Not certain, but maybe a more direct contact solution set.  I can hope.  Then I can... go about this thing in a simpler manner.  We'll see.  I do keep trying.  Good to have friends who may be able to help.

Have a good day.

A bit more gaming, coffee, and kefir.

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Well, the kefir is just going down now.  I do enjoy the stuff.  Think of fizzy, slightly thick, yogurty, milk.  Drinkable, but just.  Add a little sweetener, sometimes, to top if off.  Or just enjoy it plain, if that is... an acquired taste.  And, strangely, unlike milk or yogurt, it actually cuts thirst like a fine blade cuts steak.

More snow.  How much?  I can't quite tell.  There are areas with an inch, others with several.  Not sure if the wind pulled some areas down, piled up some areas, or both.  Just can't get a read on it.  As well, it's only 14 F out there.  It looks to have stopped snowing.  I'm not even sure if it snowed before I woke, or since.  But the drive has an inch or three back on it.  Bleh.

In a bit, I'll crisp up the gizzards.  And... perhaps have them with beats?  Or spinach and vinegar?  Something.  I don't have plackets, or many, of much.  But I do have a variety of nifty foods.  For when I don't have fresh, or can't get out.  Getting down on a few things.  Tomato puree, and even whole tomatoes.  Canned isn't perfect, but the do last well.  A few cans a week, to add something to meat otherwise.  It works.

As to sprouts?  I have been eating those just by the pinch, as I go by.  What I have learned about those is?  Don't water them near what they recommend.  The first few days, twice a day is good.  After that, once a day.  Then, the last day or two?  Nothing.  And, if you can, open those up to the air... let the stretch to the ceiling.  Then they won't go bad for days.  Eat a tenth of the round a pinch, as you go by.  And, in a few days, they will be gone.  I never did add this last batch to a salad, but I didn't have a salad.  So... I just made those my salad.  Nice little... green somethings.  As good a snack as one can have, I suppose.  No salt, oil, vinegar, or else.  Just... greens.  Don't taste super, but they are crunchy and... different.

Well... got lost, tinkering with my phone.  Trying to get it shut down, without it being bricked.  It's... tricky.  Having problems.  Hate that I have to allow google anything.  Not sure there is a choice, on this phone.  Not that iphones are better.  Just a different group of grifters, if the same group of snoops.  That is how they got all the idiot congressmen and senators to obey.  They know everything they have said since they got a cellphone.  And control the narrative, so can crush them.  Own dems, so that doesn't matter.  But control repubs... who obviously don't care, as long as someone brushes their rock and roll hair.

Hmm... a bit of gaming, then dinner.  I loved the kefir.  Will enjoy the gizzards twice as much though.  Kefir beats all, but... as a daily.  I couldn't eat much else daily.  But kefir?  It's workhorse.  And keeps everything well digested, helps maintain ketosis somehow, is acidic which is a good thing, and as mentioned is a daily driver, two to three times of consumption a day.

Sleep well.  See you in the morning.  Even if I am hard on you, your feelz, or such, I do love you.  God sort of required it.  I'll kill you, if you go bad, but in as quick and kindly a manner as possible.  And I'll even stay with you while you die.  Say a little prayer for... us... on your way out.  Just how I do.  Later.

Took all night to wake up?

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I have no idea when I went to bed.  I wanted to try to make it to afternoon.  I don't think I made it to dawn.  Can't recall, exactly, however.  Here it is, 20:15, after waking, using the facilities, feeding Sassy, and a few other toils before finally sitting and tryping.

Sleep hurt.  Sitting hurts.  Standing hurts.  Well, it's... not that unusual.  I just can't figure out why.  It's the body, not organs or other.  Too much fluid loss?  I've been fighting that.  Winning sometimes, losing sometimes.  But the body gets worn by having a flood followed by a drought, back to back.  Tissues get flooded, expand, get used to that a bit.  Then it all goes.  I think that is what hurts.

I dreamed that there was some layer, like N32?  Or some such, of the physical body.  Was trying to receive mri scans, on that layer, or some sort of scans.  I wanted to look over the area, see if I could find a solution, or understanding.  It is as if I have been flayed, with a broad leather item, separating fat from muscle.  It stays with the skin, thankfully.  Yes, probably just water buildup and removal, in large quantities, back to back.

A bit of kefir, then some coffee.  I don't have coffee, or tea, very often these days.  You'd think it would do... something... when I do have it.  But kefir covers that so well that caffeine just doesn't do much these days.  Still, I like the taste from time to time.  A few times a week.

Then, in a bit, I'll fry the gizzards I steamed yesterday.  Fried in butter, lightly salted, eaten gladly.  But, back to gaming.  It at least keeps me awake for longer stretches.  And, satisfies some small portion of my need to feel like I am doing something.  And, it fits within my ability to act, which is very little.

I did sleep well, other than the pain, and draining 2.5 liters.  Ugh.  Warm enough, mostly pleasant while asleep.  Difficulty in dreams, but I worked around some of it.  Woke well, when I could finally wake.  All good, mostly.  I don't mind physical pain as much as organs, or headaches.  So... it's... not terrible.

Well, later I suppose.  Maybe.

When?

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Someone cleared my drive?  Well, then again, could have been when I was asleep?  No.  I didn't hear them.  Usually I do.  Oh, but finishing the game, at the highest difficulty... that... I wouldn't have heard.  It isn't just the volume of the headphones, but the intensity of gaming.  Might have heard a few choice words, if they happened by while I play.

I did get the most difficult nearly final trophy, that of insanity level for the third game.  Already have the others.  Very good.  Now I am just going back to clear up a few last trophies.  On easy mode.  I don't care.  May have to play one portion on medium difficulty.  But... I think I can do that.

Beef and corn, then two pieces of chicken as I begin getting ready for bed.  I'll give Sassy the last of her food too.  I had hoped to stay up later, but it's just not possible.  I had hoped to shower, too.  So exhausted.  The games take it out of me, but too, I don't have much physical ability currently.  Or for decades.  Just been getting by.

Had a bloody nose from when I woke until currently.  Not sure what that is about.  It's not even all that dry.  I did some experimenting, in an attempt to cut down on nosebleeds.  What I learned is, don't pick your nose.  Not just with fingers, but even avoid coiling facial tissue, and trying to get things loose.  For me, that just doesn't work.  Second, blow your nose morning and night, and any time it is blocked.  If you can't blow it out, take a shower.  A hot one.  The steam... helps.

And, while that has worked for the most part, I am still prone to nosebleeds.  And, I will get them from time to time.  But this one, lasting many hours now?  Ugh.  I'll pull everything out, clear and clean the area again, and plug it back up if needed.  That is the one time I'll twist facial tissue and put it up the nose.  No other choice.

I checked, just a bit ago.  It was between 20 and 22.  The light wasn't perfect, for checking.  And snow and ice had coated some of the plating.  But, too, I was a bit too tired to focus.  The wind was going though too.  And there was ice, or rain which froze on contact.  Something... in that wind that really could chill to the bone.  I was feeling good, so it didn't get to me.  Refreshing, to my tastes, at the moment.

On to bed.  Sleep well, or... actually, have a great day.  I'll put you in my prayers, think kind thoughts, and hope your life is good.  Now get off my porch!

*wink*

Hmm.

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On the good side, they did cancel the meeting I had hoped to attend.  Not sure they will reset it, but maybe.  So, I didn't technically miss it, if I would have.  So...

Nearly at the end of the game.  And they have made this last part nearly impossibly difficult.  Not sure I can make it through.  Looked for advice, but... there isn't much.  Don't die?  Git gud?  Yeah.  Still, I'll... continue trying, as I can.  But, first, a bite to eat and maybe a show.

I've been watching more documentaries, lately, than movies.  Hollywood is dead, and those trying to fill in the gaps are not only as woke, but not even as good at it.  Old movies are... old.  Even John Wayne, seen through awakened, non-modernist eyes, isn't so good.  Clint's movies are okay, sometimes.  But even he has and does go slightly to the left, one way or another, sometimes.  Not as often as many of them, but some.

Movies, for the most part, are too dated, too woke, or both.  A new movie can be dated simply by living on stereotypes, the actually bad ones (like the black guy always being a good guy, or a really good bad guy, they just... aren't - or the gay guys being womens' best friends... they just aren't, unless there is something in it for them... usually not in a good way - etc).  I guess movies days have gone the way of television.  When they couldn't advertise everything to shit and gone, they tried to advertise, and propagandize, everything in moves.  Worked for a while.  So did big tobacco.  Heck, they even sold radioactive material as health items, at one time.  And x-rayed feet to make sure shoes fit!  Not too bad, for the customer.  But for the store tech, he got killed for a minimum wage job.

The world is changing.  To be honest, if tech died, while it would hurt, life would... improve.  Same with cities.  Not that they should be destroyed, but it does look like chasing out the earners... through excessive taxation, physical and other insecurity, and such?  They are doing it to themselves.  We'll see.

Anyway.  On to a bit of roast and some veggies.  Good evening, or night really.  Maybe good morning?  I'll... keep trying to get my days and nights back around.  Ugh, but that's a bloody mess of a hurtful project at times.  Still, be well.  I'll keep at it.  Later... or goodnight.

Awake.

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Between needing a shower, snow on the drive... if the roads are clear, and the time I woke up, I can't make it to the KoC meeting tonight.  They were iffy, due to possible snow.  It looks like that either hasn't hit, or passed by without leaving much.  Can't tell at the moment.  Enough to slightly clog the drive, by the looks of it.  The roads have been maintained.

Then again, I'm still two thirds asleep.  Don't have time to shower to get in, then drive, and be there in a reasonable time, anyway.  Frustrating.  I probably still should be in bed, but I... though I could make it.  Then, as I got up and running like a rabbit from a hunter, and was half way to my dive to the meeting, reality hit.

Well, at least I have food!  Won't starve, for the week for sure.  I'll fry the gizzards for my first meal.  If hungry after that, I'll hit up some of the roast.  Nice to have three things to choose from.  Maybe more.  Still salad makings in there.  Might have a salad with gizzards.

Oh, yesterday, had a dream of a pair of serial killers.

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The first one was smooth.  He seemed kind, friendly, and would kill you while he was talking nicely... about you, the world, philosophy, religion, whatever would get you close to him.  I was a cop, working his case.  It wasn't just civvies.  He hit cops, right in our own stations.

He would go in, to file a report, and we'd find two or three bodies later in the day.  Didn't, initially, know it was him.  Thought it might have been one of our own, considering sometimes the bodies were found in places only cops could officially go.  

A genius, perhaps.  For more than his ways.  He could cripple or avoid cameras like an acrobat or the finest hacker/technician you could hope to employ or deploy.  It ended up being a number of eye witnesses who only later put it together, from a number of the stations hit that allowed, initially, a face, then name, then capture.

We know how many cops he killed, most of them targets, though some seemingly accessories, witnesses he noted, or such.  Though hard to know if he murdered, sometimes, just for the sake of it.  Even while in prison, he had to be given a special guard detail.  He almost walked out with the normal set a few times.  I was visiting the prison (for other reasons), and was the one to catch that he should be leaving... one of the times.  I am sure I am on his list.

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In another part of the dream, or a new dream I can't be certain, there was another serial killer.  He based himself off the first one.  Not so much a copycat, his methods were simply brutal frontal attacks, he had no charisma or social skills.  However, he could mask his intent.  He considered himself a son of the first, spiritually?  Or somesuch along those lines.

I couldn't work that case.  I had retired, and had a stroke.  I had access to police reports, and such, still.  I had continued to work as an advisor, after retiring.  The stroke hindered that, couldn't communicate.  But getting the reports, usually, helped.  On that last case though, it was torment.

I figured out who it was, but without the ability to talk or write, or communicate well, I couldn't let them know.  It took hundreds of deaths, and a few years, for them to finally catch him.  While I knew within the first few months.  A petty criminal, young kid, when I had been working.  Not sure what turned him, but whatever it was, he turned viciously.

Between the two, I'd say they killed a thousand people plus.  We were finding victims, with the typical mo, from the killers, for years after the time of my last dream.  Couldn't always prove it, but the mo and suspected dates of murder, matched.  That last, knowing but having no way of expressing, was... one of the worst nightmares I have had.

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Bah.  Since I couldn't make it, I'll go on to gaming.  Oh, and kefir first thing.  But I will get a shower this evening, and clean up.  Plus, feeding Sassy, and checking her litter.  There be gold nuggets in them hills!  Well... maybe not gold, exactly.  Diapers, litter boxes, and behind dogs.  Thank God for the toilet, I will say that.  And, if toilet paper isn't ecologically sound, thank God as well that we don't live under a technocracy which would have us just go, in a field or such, and live as we are.

I did wonder, at one time, if tp was a recent invention, how our ancestors lived without it.  Leaves?  I don't think so.  Have you ever tried using leaves?  Better to just go without, in my assessment.  Then, as I started eating more carnivore, as they likely would have for the vast majority, I realized the truth.  If you eat a meat (mostly) based diet?  There is almost no need to wipe, a majority of the time.  Now, I still do, just out of habit, and a terrible fear that I would smell... bad... or... worse.  But, mostly, at this point, especially with kefir, it's not... an issue.  Further, I would guess, if I had to hunt for the animal, then kill it and chase it's dying body down, that would add to it.  No, people, they really didn't need toilet paper.  Processed foods, and large carb loads, are the problem.

I would also guess that is how France could get away with bidets.  As they "modernize" their foods, they are going to regular toilets and toilet paper.  Too bad, really.  I used to mock them for that.  Now?  A lot of things change with age, wisdom, learning.  They lost half of their men, in two wars each, which they lost (of their own accord).  They gained nothing.  Some 1%'ers, and up, stood to make fortunes.  But the people just lost the best of their sons.

Another thing I realized?  They used to kill, the various states, those who stood out or were too small.  They wanted only average people.  As well, in war, they shared the booty (spoils of war) with the men.  It looks like they have simply combined the practices, with some twists.

Currently, they get rid of the best by sending them to wars.  They don't even really try to win them.  As well, they withdrew bounty sharing.  Now, the only people who make money are big businesses, the alphabets through drug and people smuggling, and such.  It's all, and only, for the very rich.  Don't fight for "us", that isn't us.  It's them.

Well, on to kefir and gaming.  Later.

Sounds like rain?

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It must be.  I did look out a bit earlier.  Before the pitter-pats of falling rain.  It was 34, and snow and ice were melting.  Rain will definitely accelerate that.  Though, I have heard it may snow today.  A lot.  Who ever can be sure.  I am not sure of the day, but I have been expecting heavy snow for a while.  Just... that sense of things.  Though today, tomorrow, or next week, I just can't say.  Sooner than not, though, I suspect.

Gaming is going well, mostly. It is taking a lot longer to get to the end.  I even considered dumping a few last missions before the end.  They were becoming excessively difficult.  But, no, I went on through.  I try to do everything possible.

I'd love to have something to eat, this morning.  But I'm just not hungry.  I think it is bedtime.  Odd how the mind can be hungry while the belly just... has no interest.  It is sort of funny, in a way.  Or the opposite can occur.  What is worse, is when both are hungry, but illness makes it so that even the thought of eating is out of the question.

Anyway.  It's on to bedtime.  I hope your day is good.  Oh... it was... about 6:23 when I went to bed yesterday.  It's 11:17, so far, today.  I should reset kefir, but I don't think I will.  Too tired.  I'd love to shower, too.  But I just can't.  I'll just be shutting down electronics and going on to bed.  I fed Sassy, and tended her litter box.  I hadn't been keeping up on that for a day or so.  Ugh.  And refreshed her water last night.

I am enjoying having kefir back on the menu.  It truly helps clear out and clean out the interior.  A bm with, pretty much, every meal of even three to four hundred calories.  Easy ones.  And, the stuff keeps me from being too thirsty.  It's strange stuff.

Oh, and it is so good to have food for the week.  Roast, chicken drumsticks, and gizzards to be fried when I wake.  Well, after kefir.  Good morning, day, and goodnight.

Cooking!

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Dinner was delivered, and a gracious dinner indeed.  I won't brag.  But... that was delicious.  I don't deserve friends.  Have them?  It... seems so.

Still, I wanted to get ready for the next week.  A beef chuck and packet of chicken drumsticks were roasted.  A small pack of chicken gizzards were steamed in the oven, and will be fried in butter, probably tomorrow.  Spices, herbs, hot and simply savory.

I took a vary small sample of each dish.  They all passed muster with flying colors, for my needs and wants.  The chicken drumsticks were probably far too hot for you normies.  But, for me?  Just right.  Enough to burn my lips, but beyond, it just tasted good.  Further, everything has already been put up.  Life is good.

Gaming is going well.  Not sure if I am at the two thirds stage, or the end stage.  These games have a way of making you think you are near the end, only to open up another dozen big and small quests.  But, I think I am just a few quests away from finishing.  I... think.  Had my first crash, out of the game.  That makes me worry that the save game has been corrupted, and so won't give me the difficulty trophy.  Or, possibly, even let me finish the game.  I have previous saved games, but this set is notorious for breaking, and often near the end, or the two thirds mark.  We'll see.

I was cooking while playing.  Did well, actually.  The only problem is this stupid game has a way of dragging on.  It's meant to be addictive.  I would guess, if they really looked into these games, they would arrest those who made them, as they are made to be just as addictive as heroin, perhaps more so.  Since I am just waiting to die, for me, it doesn't matter as much.  For a lot of kids?  Not so much.  They probably will have mental issues, and possibly physical issues.

Well, I may try to finish up the game tonight.  See how it works.  Then, try to finish trophies.  I don't do that with all games.  Just some.  First, I have to like (mostly) the game play (if not the propaganda).  Next, it has to be single player, playable offline, and not stupidly difficult for no reason.  Or, impossible.  Some games are impossible for real players, or console players (not enough variation of control inputs, or overlapping inputs, or the limits of aim, fire, or other inputs on a controller pad).  There are probably other limits, but those are the main, upfront reasons.

Yes, I do have another game after this one.  Nothing fancy.  An old game, I play again, from time to time.  Fallout 4, if you really are curious.  I doubt if my remaining readers know of that game.  Or, maybe, any game.  Michael would have, probably, known.  It was akin to his writing.  I liked his writing, but avoided it... and told him so and why.  It was... modernist, feminist inclusive.  Unfortunate.  I realize that is how the world has gone, at this point.  If, too, I realize it is both unGodly and wrong.  As... the worldly way usually is.  I liked him, enough to be straight up with him.  Like it?  Who would.  He was a boomer.  It was his way.  They are believers, in... modernism.  I... am not.

Well... back on to something.  Finishing that game, or getting closer.  Later or goodnight.