I had hoped to be better today.

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The goal was to find a way to make it to mass.  But, no.  No, no, no.  Standing is still tricky.  Sitting is still a spooky thing.  So far I haven't fallen while sitting.  But it is taking every bit of arm strength I have to keep that from happening, and balancing ability.  The chair, either, could easily tip if the strength I can bear isn't balanced against whichever chair correctly.  Oh, and going to the bathroom is worse.  It's lower.  At least it can't slip out from under me... probably.  Or... as easily.  I suspect, at nearly three hundred, I can... dislodge a toilet without too much fuss if I really wanted to, or serioulsy lost my balance.

No, the legs hurt still.  And are weak.  Getting better, but not there yet.  I didn't sleep well for them.  Tossing, turning, too hot, too cold, all night.

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I dreamed.  While I don't believe in... soothesayers, in this dream there was one I heard about.  One who... spoke true.  I could tell.  Though, too, I suspected she wasn't... what she seemed.  She was in my village.  But I kept missing meeting her.  She left just before I entered whereever she was practicing... her arts.  And, she was gone in a flash.

The longer this went on, the more I suspected she knew... much.  She knew me.  Avoiding?  Or... waiting for... some sign, portent, or word from God?  She definitely wasn't what she seemed.  Others saw her as an average looking middle-aged woman.  A bit past her prime.  So, that is what I was looking for.

She had various forms of soothesaying.  I had wanted a certain form of it.  When I finally found her, I noticed two things.  First, she wasn't... what she was said to be.  She was beautiful and sort of ageless.  I couldn't understand, at first, how others could see her the way they did.  Second, she wouldn't soothesay the way I prefered.  And, really, the third thing was... she did know me.  She was kin, of a sort... my sort.  While I was of spirit and flesh, she was purely spirit.  This I saw easily... know my own.  Probably why she hid from me for the longest time... allowing the Ghost to... inform me, caution me, and such.  Not... against her.  More that I would approach her rightly, and consider things with caution.  Some things shouldn't be shared, spoken, with the... others.  The normals.  And so it was.

She let me know what I already suspected.  An angel, to be sure... messenger.  She was giving out messages to some in the area.  I was an... inconvenience.  Though, still, through my insistance, and potency of my nature, she eventually relented... to speak with me.  Give me a reading, but only of the sort she saw fit.

In a roundabout way, she let me know my dreams, and other inspired notions, were true.  Without saying it in a way any other would understand, she let me know I was... War... insurrection.  That my time had come and passed and would come again, in time, for a final time.  And, begrudgingly, she let me know that my works were... blessed.  A gift to the children of God, not a curse.  Only a curse to the worldly, those who had chosen... a path not to God, of God, but of another.

Though, too, she assured me something I already knew.  The path was not going to be easy, gentle, right, nor secure.  Without depending on Wisdom, my path might still be righteous, and do it's task, but that I might yet be lost on it.  Though, further, she assured that such was not the intent of the One who sent me on the path.  Nor was it guaranteed.  As with any, choices, if well made, would secure salvation or ensure destruction... or a form of those.

---------

I tell you, some dreams are... more than dreams.  This certainly felt like more than just a dream.  That "woman" was... more than a dream character.  She knew me, in and out of the dream.  I dream awake, I know a dream, inside sleep and out of it.  It is my way.  She knew much.  She was a truth sharer, and real, and of herself, not me.  She was alive in the dream.  

There were... other things she said.  For my ears only.  

Terrifying?  How terrifying is salvation?  Damnation, for the damnable, is... understood.  Not... fully, or they wouldn't do it.  It is a form of immortal suicide.  But salvation?  For one who sat at the table, if not a party to it fully... only it's fruits?  Nose-bleed, spinning world, change of whole being, terrifying.  I assure you.  Losing a wrong family, for a right one, if not understanding how that could be, that sort of horrifying.  And, yet... so peace-bringing.  But peace, to a creature of war?  I doubt if you can understand.  To see the light is difficult for a creature borne of darkness.  But there is something so... good about it.  Like seeing the beauty of the crucifixion.  A vast horror brought to light, made whole, good, great, divine.

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Not much more I can say about that.  Though, another dream.  Something about explaining my caddish behavior.  Not... accepting it, just a discussion, with the wife... or good female friend... of one of my brothers.  He listened in the background.  He... has... lived his life, too.  Sometimes wrongly, or rightly, but... he listened intently while myself and this woman spoke.

In spite of all my ills, I... wanted children, a wife, and such.  I wanted to be a party to that, but... between this and that, it wasn't a possibility which fully presented itself.  Traveling, doing, going, etc.  Though, too, what brought me to such ways, and what took away some possibilities.  From health, to death, mine, hers, and else.

As mentioned, though, I always wanted just the plain, simple, boring(?), frustrating family thing.  I knew I couldn't do it perfectly.  I knew I would mess up.  I only hoped to find a woman would could abide, and be abided in her... ways, right and wrong.  It's never easy.  It just didn't happen.  Probably couldn't have, to this point.  Some very slim chance of something akin to it taking place, but... you... never know.

---------

And, in that same dream, back to swimming?  We'll see.  It was, I felt, a call more than prophecy.  We'll see.

---------

Painpills today.  The legs really do hurt.  But the hurt... is... a better hurt.  Probably worse than before, much as it is often darker just before dawn?  Something like that, or I hope.

I am planning on making corned beef.  The only real problem is I don't have cabbage!  I had planned to pick it up when buying butter, but forgot.  Then thought I would get it on the way home, but was far too shot for that.  I do have cauliflower and broccoli.  So, maybe that would work?

Oh, and a few vids which... got me thinking.  Not sure about the one, or all of it?  I really would like try the trio.  The tie one I will definitely try the next time I need to tie a tie.  The others I really am thinking on.  Men and tricks.  Trying to do it the easy way, if there never is an easy way... save accidentally, sometimes.  But... all good.  Later.

The legs sure hurt.

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I can stand, for a while.  Pushed it a couple of times, just to see.  It's getting up and sitting down when I wince, and could lose control.  I am sure they will improve in time, probably a short time as well as I have been doing.  A few days?  We'll see.

Something I noted was my heart.  It has been, to varying degrees, tired... or felt tired... for the last thirty years.  And, usually, it also hurts.  In littler or larger ways, even feeling like it was being torn, at times.  Or being cut.  Or just aching.  I am used to those things.  They have been the normal for the last thirty something years.

So, when those things stop happening, is that a good thing, or a bad thing?  I simply don't know.  But, with all the running and driving and shopping and else, I just noticed yesterday that my hear didn't hurt, and didn't feel tired.  Very... unusually.  It might have been that way for a few days before that.  But it wasn't until yesterday when I noticed it.

I may look around the web, see... what I can see about that.

Had a visitor.  Asked about some things, seeing how I was doing, and brought cookies.  Look, it's been a while since I've had something actually sweet.  So, sure.  Someone I needed the number for, too.  So, I got the number.  A good talk.

Sure is a cold day though.  I'll tell you.  I think it was up to 28, but that isn't... all that warm.  The weather keeps flirting with warming only to pull the promise, and go back to being cold.  And it is really, for the temp.  Frigid.  More because of the teasing.  Hitting the mid 30's, then 40's, with a shining sun, mild wind if any.  Then it just crashes back to frigidity.  Ugh.  

Hopefully some warmth coming sooner than not.  Though I did suggest the cold was here, and probably for a shorter or longer time.  Years, decades.  It matched what was understood, by honest scientists, for a longer time... regarding cooling periods versus warming periods.  

The real question is whether it will cool for a few years, a few decades, or head into an ice age of hundreds or thousands of years.  Don't kid yourself, it's coming.  Has nothing to do with man.  So everything being litigated, legislated, and spend to the contrary... esspecially in the opposite direction?  Is not just wasted, it's a net negative affect and wasted potential.

Just four or five hundred years ago they went through a lessor ice age.  Had nothing to do with human activity.  As this doesn't.  We'll see.  Wait until we have a missing summer, or dozen.  The population will reset, if the survivors will merely be ekeing out a living, not more than surviving.  Certainly not thriving.  We'll see.

Oh, and I am getting food made.  Maybe that will help.  Soaking gizzards, to be baked then fried.  Baking potatoes.  I may steam broccoli or such.  And with butter, all is better.  I am hungry, and cold.  Warm food helps with both.

Well... on to gaming.  And, maybe to bed early.  I think about showering, but am so cold I just... I am not sure about that.  I turned the furnace up.  It didn't make much difference.  Though, maybe, now?  Later.  Or goodnight.

Sometimes it takes a day to hit.

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There is a reason for my leg problems last night.  I did get back to bed, after working them out a bit.  Still didn't see the problem, wasn't awake.

Waking up today, at 14:00, I made a realization.  An hour of standing, genuflecting, and kneeling... has a price, at this point.  My legs are noodles.  Just getting up, then to my chair, was... a bit of a trick.  Can barely stand for a few moments.  The stations of the cross did me in, this time.  Maybe, by next time, I will do better.  Yes, yes, I plan on being there next year, and to each event I realize is happening.

But, I won't make it, can't make it, to mass today.  My arms and hands are twitching for my legs.  Stressed, quite a lot.  Yea.  I did put on knee-high compression socks, and cotton over, for warmth.  Longer compression socks would just be a terror.  Even these are difficult.  But, yeah.  That is why I was so dehydrated.  Ah, check.  I vastly overdid yesterday.  Add in the pickups/shopping and driving, and... Yeah.

I feel like I have been run over by the trash truck.  The legs, finally, just hurt up and down their length, and deep into the tissue.  Knees aren't screaming, but from sleeping a floor pallet, I have gotten used to being on my knees.  Yea, that was a test I wasn't honestly ready for.  I did these things, right to the end though.  Didn't even realize it was a problem until through the night, but not fully until I woke.

All good.  I'll spend what it takes to recover.  Then... get back into the game.  It'll be a few days, maybe a week.  Still, it was a success.  There was... just a hidden cost.  I didn't remember what was involved.  Now I know.  My guess is this is common with Catholic ceremonies.  Not an issue, I just have to... consider things.  In time I may be able to do more, or may have to do less.  We will see.

Now to let my partner in crime there know I won't be in tonight.  Ugh.

The corned beef and other meats are thawed, but I am not ready to eat.  I'll refrigerate it until I can get to it.  Maybe not until tomorrow.  Just a salad, for it's ease and simplicity of making and consumption tonight?  Maybe.  Or another fasting day, the whole of the day.  We'll see.  Later.

A few days off water.

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Yes, I was thirsty.  Being out, I wasn't drinking.  Then, too, when I would get back I was too tired for my usual behaviors.  So fluid just wasn't going in.  I may have lost a bit of waterweight.  Or... had.  Might be making that up.  So thirsty.  I've probably had five cans.

If I feel the need for more, I may do some red wine vinegar, electrolyte powder, and the can or two of bubbly water.  That... should finish off any remaining thirst.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but the new drain plug system was installed.  Far easier than I anticipated, well and havign it actually work.  Now I have a simple pressure system that holds the water, lets it through, but also has a drain catch on it.  I like those, for many reasons.

Funny?  I finally get a drain system which would make having long hair less of a problem.  Only... I don't have long hair anymore.  Oh well.  As I mentioned, I like having the push plug with a catch baskest, for other reasons.  It means if something goes down, it won't go far.  Or... some things.

Hmm, might actually be getting on back to bed sooner than I thought.  It wasn't just the feet, though that was a larger part.  It was thirst.  Dire thirst, really, which when awakened by heating and cooling the feet, kept me from being able to sleep, or even try.  Yes, some of my concoction will help.  It's rather amazing stuff.  Works so well.  Though, if thirst isn't a real issue, I won't drink the stuff.  It's not something, in other words, I would enjoy for it's own sake.

One of the things I miss, since going off heavy stuff, was snoot of wisky or scotch.  Now, this, being wine, isn't that.  But it has... a thing to it, because of the vinegar, which catches in the back of the throat, like a burban or heavier wisky.  And, yes, I... like that.  Not hit from alcohol of course, but that... slug... I... enjoy that.  Such a strange thing.  God giveth and God taketh away.  But one can make do with what is right about that.  Later, or goodnight, again.

Hmm, odd.

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I couldn't get down until 23:00.  Right at, I think.  I slept well, while I could sleep.  But woke around three.  Started waking before then, but tried to put the genie back in the bottle.  Usually works.  Not tonight.

I wore compression socks to bed.  Had to take them off... too warm... too tight.  Then my legs and feet kept going from burning to freezing.  I just couldn't keep up on putting them in the air and bringing them back under the blankets.  Bleh.  Trying to get the swelling down.  And, yes, it is just in the foot I broke.  It's about... a third thicker than the other foot.  If both feet have some swelling.  So both are a bit out of trim.  Dress shoes are brutal to wear when they hurt even the tops of the feet.

Eyes.  Bloodshot.  Too active, too often, lately.  Not sleeping as much as my body is used to sleeping.  Been out, and going, all week.  Feel like a boxer who has done his work, only to get pummeled.  Still, I... will see this week through.  Then I have a milder week next week, and through the month.

With spring threatening to pop, there is hope that will help.  When it pops.  It's nine degrees out there tonight.  Nine, below freezing, by a lot.  Bleh.  At least the sun has been shining.

I'll probably have to nap, if I have any hope of making it to church.  And woke so thirsty.  Two cans of carbonated water.  The truly zero carb, not sweetened at all, slightly flavored stuff.  Probably have another.  I mostly fasted today.  But, too, I didn't drink much either.  I just really needed some fluid.

I have been thinking about getting a dumbell out, and some weights for it.  To lift while sitting in here, reading blogs and else from time to time.  Not sure if it will be too much, but would like to regain some strength... if possible.  Just one, to start.  If it works out, perhaps bring another in later.  The dumbell, and, say, a quad of fives and tens, and a pair of 35s, or such... to start.  If that goes well, a pair of 45s too.  You'd be surprised what I can jack, if I can keep on it, and fairly quickly.  I had gotten to over a hundred each not so long ago.  Just... I'd like to... see.

Well... I'm up.  I'll look around, see if I can find my shadow, then see if I can jump back down into the den for a nap before long.  Later.

I got everything and to church on time.

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Not a bad gig.  Was running a bit fast, so went through a car wash to kill some time.  After I bought bread and butter.  The soup wasn't to be ready until... 17:30.  Even then I was a quarter early.  No problem, they made it ready right away.

On the good side, I'm never sure about which road, exactly, to take.  Still, made it half an hour early?  Something.  Got the items in, helped set up, then went to the stations of the cross.  I was almost an half hour early even there.  Odd how time can fly, then stand still?

All good.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  It has been... a long time, and probably never at a Catholic church, since I have been to such an event.  All good, all good.

After, I spoke with some folk, had a bowl of soup and a bit of bread.  Talked just a bit longer.  Then headed home.  The foot is doing well, but the swelling today was still a bit much to attempt wearing dress shoes.  We'll see tomorrow.  I... got... in a sideways manner, asked about it.  No, not a problem.

My answer was... an attempt at diminuation... it's fine.  I didn't go into details.  But, if I can't wear dress shoes, I won't wear slacks with work boots.  Sort of the options open to me.  I'll... let him know, next we talk, why I might not be in full dress, and dress shoes.  Just so he understands.  

Is the swelling still from the break, or from water retention?  I just don't know.  I have been working on water retention, and doing much better.  So I honestly suspect it is just from damage, as it heals.  I can be a bit rough on it, when I have things to do, and fly.  So, yea, maybe.

I think I have been out every day save one this week, and there was one day I ended up being out twice.  And, often, with multiple things to do, places to go, appointments, and shopping.  Just today it ended up being going in for bread, soup, getting the car washed, a service at church, and then a short meal after.

I may end up in bed very shortly.  I did pull some meat out for tomorrow.  Hopefully it will be thawed so that I can have a bite well before church.  I fast before the Eucarist, at least an hour, and I like to do two.  Only brushing my teeth, perhaps, and drinking water otherwise... only as needed.  I like the little practices, and ways.  Of them I know, I try to keep them.  Learn as one lives, though.

No meat Fridays, in Lent.  Though I think I may make that a regular thing.  It used to be, I think.  I'll go back to it.  Bit by bit, learn and practice.

Only knew a few people there.  Though I did say hello to some I did not know.  Church tomorrow.  If I can make it.  I think so.  Crashing pretty hard, but... recovering better than I have been.  Cold out, again, today.  It only got to 28 F, at my house.  The highest I saw it, and never really felt warmer at other times.  That is a cold St. Patricks day, for around here.  My mother said it was only 20 there, in Iowa?  So be it.

Later, or goodnight.

Time is running away!

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I have... some things on my mind.  Ways to make the place more secure.  Force whoever is breaking in to break a window, or otherwise leave evidence.  Well, and some other things.  One thing at a time.  I have been doing some research.  Then I realized I had to check on some things for today.

First, I called the soup place, to make sure all is good.  It sounds like all is in place, they just have to finish it, of course, for this evening.  The bread I am not worried about.  If they don't have my order, they will have something.  And they will be open, plus I know exactly where they are.  Oh, but I had to ask where they were.  I thought they were in a strip mall near my bank.  But, nope.  Though now I know.  They... offerered the strangest description of where they are.  Which didn't make any sense, they way they were describing it... not to me.  So I asked a different question, and got a bingo.  So, yes, I know where they are too.

I need a shower, to get dressed.  So many things to do.  Have to go fast enough, but not too fast?  And, it looks like, despite my wishes, I will be fasting until supper.  Which... is a common Catholic practice.  I do that, for health, usually... often... as well.  So it's a good marriage, as I see things.  Though, today, I didn't really want to fast.  The better angels of my nature seem to have offered me a bit of a humbling path.  No worries.  I can do that.

So, I have the knowledge I need.  I should call the bread store and let them know I'll be a little later.  I had set it much earlier, but that might be a bit too early.  I don't think they would worry, but don't wish them to let the bread walk when I arrive later.  Taking care of business.

Ugh.  But... all good.

Something I have been thinking about?  Having a coffee hour after church.  The squeaky wheel, however, gets the job?  So... I... should make sure I am ready to handle that.  Perhaps find a group of people who would handle that, if I miss.  Or on odd weekends.  I just think... we need to socialize.  We need to introduce.  Perhaps they all know each other, and I am just out of the loop.  But, I would like to... get to know more folk.  Then again, my friend's meal thing is a form of that.  Only three of us, off and on, though.  Would like to... have more contact.  Thinking on things.  Not... immediately.  But...  And, people might be more interested in coffee, tea, and a nibble, than a full meal?  Dunno.  Or once or twice a month?  Thinking.

But... I have to get ready.  Time just sprints on by when there is a deadline, and a line of things to do.  Later.

Down at midnight thirty?

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I think that was it.  Up at a bit before ten.  It sure seems cold.  I had to check, it is 26 outdoors.  While that isn't really cold, it is colder than it has been, and it is March 17th!  It should be well warmer.  Of course, with as much snow is around, even down here in the valley, still hoping it doesn't flash melt it all.

I called my mother a bit ago.  Talked a short bit, but she was headed to lunch.  Cabbage, potato, and one of those fancy sounding deli sandwiches.  All good.

I may thaw corned beef for tomorrow.  It's a Friday, so won't do meat.  It's a Catholic thing, or used to be?  I try to stay with such, when I can be aware.  I wasn't too happy with the new potatoes I got last time, but cabbage, carrots, and regular potatoes would do.  All I need is cabbage, and to thaw the corned beef.

I need to get a shower, and get close together for tonight.  And check to make sure things are set for else.  Bread and soup, ordered.  Need to make sure where I am supposed to get the soup, make sure that is right.  The bread... I know where to get that.  The soup is paid, the bread will have to be paid when picking it up.

Tired.  I've been pushing pretty hard this week.  Out, what, four days so far this week?  Three, but twice because of having to come home.  I worried that days and nights would flip.  I think what has been helping has been, until today, warmer days and more sun.  The sun is out today, which is partially helping.

I'll keep at it until things flip, then try to get back on track.  Next week I am hoping to get out a few times, but just short drives, for mass and maybe a grocery shopping trip?  Maybe.  We'll see.  But I am hoping to begin working in... on... the house this coming week too.  I would like to work hard enough so as to bring company over.  Not... high socials.  Just... become a little more civil, so as to have company.  Not sure I can, but am going to try.

Even if I can work fairly well, it will take a month before I can have company.  Things may be changing, in my life.  As such, I need to get things sorted.  As mentioned, it may not be possible.  We'll see.  The effort might kill me.  Or might not.  We'll see.  Later.

What a day.

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I did get to bed earlier, I think 22:30... 10:30pm for those of you who have trouble with... simplicity.  :p  I wasn't awake until after noon... noon thirty?  Or so.

Couldn't shower.  If I wanted to get things done, I had to get going.  But I did shower yesterday.  And the day before that.  And the day before that.  At least three showers in a row.  So a day off is okay.  I even shaved yesterday, after the haircut.  Should have done it before, didn't have time, energy.  But it did get done.

Now, I did wet my hair, and tried to goop up to stand tall.  Nope.  It just, I can't get that stuff to work.  So I washed it out and just went dry.  It... works, well enough.  I am just not obsessive enough to stand and mess with my hair long enough to get it to spike straight up.  So be it.

After that, I got dressed and ready.  I got the air frier to be returned loaded up, got in the suv, and was about to take off.  When I remembered the boot.  So, I ran back in, looked around, found it.  But... still forgot it?  Don't ask, I'm not sure.

I got to town, handed over the frier, got three sets of keys made, and rings for them.  Got those paid, set up, and one of the trios hooked onto my car key doohickle.  Then, was about to head to the boot store when I realized that I had somehow forgotten what I had torn into the house to find and bring.  So, had to drive back home.

I got to the town, thought the place would be easy to find.  Nope.  A call, as I didn't have the address.  Found it easily, once given directions.  Had a nice chat with the gal in there.  Nice looking dames are... pleasant to negotiate with.  I asked about boots, cowboy, as that is what she general seems to work with.  She makes customs.  I asked... $1200?  Not... bad.  They say they last more like thirty five years?  if so, definetly not a bad buy.  Similar in price to custom hiking boots.

I could only buy those, if I back into riding.  Which... would require a big mule or a plug horse... saddle broken.  Still, was curious.  Wore boots for a lot of years, even if they were too small towards the end.

Ah, but the boot I brought in was no trouble for her to fix.  She was a bit surprised in broke.  Everything was still good.  The glued part was still together, all the structure was still solid.  She might have thought the stitching just came loose?  It didn't tear the leather, or the lace strapping.  Odd.  But... the fix was very easy, and quick.  I had thought I'd have to come back for it.

Even with having the change the thread on the sewing machine, she... finished it in... minutes.  She thanked me for waiting for her to change the thread.  I just nodded... had to laugh interiorly however.  I... didn't realized she even changed the thread until she told me, after.  Ha!  She was a sight for sore eyes.  So, all good.  Easily distracted.

Then on home.  Oh, I did stop at one of my stores.  I thought I saw bottom round on sale.  Maybe it was the other store?  I'll look.  If I can find that on a good sale, I'll buy a bunch of it, get it cut into quarter inch strips, then make jerky.  I make excellent jerky.  Not... by my accounts, though I like what I do, mostly.  But others who have tried it were... extremely happy.

Quite a day.  Tomorrow?  I have to pick up the bread and soup, be to so and where so and when, and that should be easy enough.  Not sure how I am keeping up.  Then mass the next day.  But, after that, I may have to take... a few days off.  I am doing well, but breaking my balls doing it.  Still, I... like this.

If I can do something this next week, I will begin relearning the rosary, and hitting the house.  Cleaning.  But, I will rest as needed.  Quite a thing happening.  I'll try to keep up, or a bit better.  We will see.

While they didn't have roast, when I checked, I did get more fresh veggies and lettuce.  So I may make dressing tonight, and have salad.  Later.

A bit more.

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I got out to the vehicle, to check on the blower.  Just one cord looked disconnected.  I plugged it in, turned her over, and the fan went like usual.  All good.  So very easy.  Since that took such little time, and it seemed early enough, I decided to drive in and see about getting keys made.

Nope.  They were closed before 19:00?  Well, okay.  I thought about stopping for food.  But remembered everything in there is... questionable.  So I just slipped on home.  I had been tempted to buy a soda, when gassing the suv while on my way home even before.  But they were selling for $2.50 a soda?  No.  I'm way too cheap, and for trash on top of that.  So, yeah, skipped that too.

Would like to figure out something to eat.  Sardines wouldn't be too bad.  I think, other than eating and gaming, I am done.  Still, it's been a good run.  I got a lot of things set up, arranged, sorted, today.  Calls, visits, and else.  Really, not bad.

And, the opposite of Sampson, I'm feeling much more alive with the shorter cut.  It may not be a flattop, but isn't far off.  A spike cut, rather shorter, no tail even.  All good.  I think I have some mild to strong hair goo.  And, with the sink running, can take it out when I go to bed.  I hate hair goo in my hair when I lay it to a pillow.  It... gets bad, fast.

Not only did I set things up, and run for a second time, I was a good boy regarding food.  Sardines are really keto, and not bad.  Some better than other.  Cod liver, tonight?  Not sure.  Maybe.  Or not.  That is probably my least favorite, if not completely out of the ballpark.  I just... have to be in the rare mood for it.  Or ready for the hit.  I don't think... tonight.  No.

Later.  Or goodnight.

A bit more, if still quite tired.

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A bit rough.  Will push on through anyway.  So... what did I do?

Ordered bread, for an upcoming event.  Fancy?  And not.  Artisan style, from what I can tell.  Sounds good to me.  I may check for soup.  We'll see.  I would home make it, but I... don't have what it takes to get the shop cleaned, make the stock fresh, and go from there.  Barely standing today, even if I did get out, and am getting a few things done.

Then I called a boot repair shop.  Asked about the repair.  Have to look at it, I was told.  So be it.  I have a broad window for taking it in.  We'll get that going as soon as possible.  Plus, while making the calls, I added the contacts to my links.  For future reference.

For me, I like to have the name of the establishment last, the type "Food!" for example first, and maybe the middle section being type... "Bread".  It makes finding things a LOT easier, at least for me.

Oh, and I had collected a few butcher shop's data, but it was later in the evening.  I attempted a few calls, but they probably close earlier in the day.  Looking for grass fed/finished offal.  Sweetbreads, kidneys, liver, heart... but I won't pay double or triple.  I can't.  Just checking.  I'll check tomorrow.

Ah, and soup.  Ordered.  It's even keto, or is registered as such.  But... with the bread?  Not so much.  Though I could skip the bread.  Ready to rumble.  I wish I could have made the soup, that just wasn't possible.  Lobster bisque.  Mushroom bisque and clam chowder were the same price.  So... I just went with the one I like the best.

Ugh.  Can't do this more than once a month.  But... once a month... most months.  Better if I could could make it myself.  Could do that twice or three times a month, and would probably be better.  But wouldn't be lobster.  :p  Serves eight to ten?  Half a gallon?  Ugh.  It's my first dip into potluck.

Hmm, have to get out three more times this week.  Ugh.  Oh well.  Am hungry.  Not sure what to set up tonight.  I'll look around.  Some things have to go, from the fridge.  Some meats have to be thawed.  Too tired to cook the meat.  In one way it was wasted, in another it... wasn't.  I didn't eat else, just couldn't cook.  And, didn't eat other food.  So, while wasted, nothing else was really eaten in it's place.  Too busy, to tired to do else, just the way it goes.

Ugh...  I'd like to eat something.  We'll see.  Later.  Or goodnight.

Done.

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A shower, dressed, and out.  I had a haircut to get.  Not a flattop, this time.  She had an idea.  I let it fly.  We'll see.  I can always get a flattop in the future, as it is shorter than what I got.  With the natural color, from longer hair, gone, it is really silver up top now.

It turns out she works with straight razors.  She has to use those with replaceable blades.  But she knows how to use and sharpen actual straight razors.  So, next time I am in, I'll bring a few of mine, and my waterstones, and have her show me around.

I am using a saftey razor, currently.  But that still means replacing blades.  The whole thing about straight razors, traditional ones, is that you don't have to change blades.  One must merely strop, and rarely sharpen.  It isn't purely the frugality of it.  Safety razors are cheap as can be.  I think I'm paying a dime a blade.  A blade will get me two to more like four shaves.  It is the idea... what if there are no more blades?  That's... more what I think.  How to do more, with less.

Further, if I get good at shaving, I could always make a nickel or dime off the service.  Especially since I have three or four higher end razors.  Plus?  There is something so cool, and old school, about shaving with a wicked ass weapon.  Yea, there... is something to that.  Taming a the tornado.

But I am absolutely bushed.  I had hoped to stop and get keys cut.  I lost a portion of one of my key sets.  I need to replace it, and probably by triples... putting extras up somewhere.  As is, I only have one set for three vital locks.  I can get in, but that... could get expensive, one way or the other.  I was just far too tired on my way home.

I will stay awake until this evening, probably.  With the shower taken, the third one in as many days, I would like to get the freezertop cleared, maybe cleaned, and get dishes going.  Feeling so rough though, not sure that will happen today.  We'll see.  Feel just a wee off.  Actually more than that.  I feel a lot off.  It is 34 out there, last I looked this morning.  Too tired to check again.  Maybe 40 now?  Mostly cloudy.  I still expect a few inches to a few feet before too long.  

Though, who can ever be sure?  These have been odd times.  Might flash fry to summer tomorrow.  Can't be sure these days, and meterologists are worse than me, at guessing.  They seem paid to guess wrong.  Or blackmailed.  All I know is they are always wrong, even about local weather.  Always saying it is warmer than it is as well.  Until they go the other way?  Who knows.  They are wrong, it seems, on purpose, at this point.  Even when trying to honest give a prediction of sorts, they fail more than not.

Later.

A late sleep.

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It was at, near, or slightly after four?  Yes, possitive.  The last time I saw the clock, it was 3:48 or such.  I did a few things before going to bed, but not much.  Why so late?  I kept trying to get more things done.  I put one load of laundry through, to the dryer, set up a load of whites, cleaned a few things, got a shower, but couldn't do more.

I had hoped to clean the freezertop and set up dishes.  Just couldn't push through, but stayed awake hoping a bit of energy would become available.  No, not a drop.  I almost then went into a full on insomnia state.  But, saw what was happening and closed up shop.  Late, but not too late.

Up at 11:30, or so.  Checked the visitor.  On his way.  Had a good bull session.  We just catch up on life.  He... has five jobs, now?  Yeah.  When one isn't available, he does another.  Some pay well, all are irregular.  When they call this last gen lazy, they... don't know them all.  But he is an exception.  Hell, he even has a very short haircut.  Always has.

Married now.  For which I am... quite pleased.  It's... humbling, to be married.  And we don't life in a time where that sort of humility is common.  I negged his woman, to see.  I... do that... for friends.  I pulled, pushed, kicked tires, compared, and was... sort of... mean.  But the... answers were good.  The responses weren't... emotional, if not purely logical.  Good answers.  I trust him, hope the best for them, and am pleased with his choice to duty rather than... pure self interest.

We talk about once a month.  His world is busy, complicated, sometimes smaller, sometimes larger.  Moments of effort.  He is a worker.  He... like to work.  He is good at many things.  Good to see him from time to time.  He'll probably help if I need to find my septic tank.  Unless I can figure out where it is on my own.

Now to get ready for other things.  A shower?  Sure.  Then cleaning off the freezertop, or the beginning of that?  Yes.  Not as sleepy as I have been, with a lot less sleep.  Somewhat tired, but... more what used to pass as a normal morning.  Never been good at waking.

Nothing back from the church.  May have to speak with someone in the office, personally.  Too busy?  Not interested for some reason?  The squeaky wheel, I suppose.  Later.

Well?

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Tracking down pieces and bits.  Information.  I won't ever be an information broker, but I can become a bit more aware, and have some sources for data.  I have found the church bulletin.  But that only gives me a week of advance notice, at most.  An online source, in case I miss something elsewise.  I can't always hear well in church, or process it well.  Working on that.

A few pieces of information is a start, sources as well.  Further, I have attempted to sign up for emails from the church too.  One of my emails may not be... efficacious as to... communication.  So, I used a different email address.  So be it.  I am hoping to hear something before long.  If I don't hear by Monday, I'll go in.  Or... that is the theory.  Hoping to make it to weekday mass then, so it isn't too difficult of an opportunity.  Though if I miss, I still have four other days to make it for that.  Ugh.

It sounds like it is raining?  Yep.  Has been for hours.  Off and mostly on.  It is 38 out there, down from the high of 45 (from what I saw).  A lot of snow is going.  Hopefully the ground is opening up enough to take in some water, a lot of water.  Though, very possibly, we will see flooding in the more prone areas, at least.  We'll see.  

As to the visit?  Tomorrow, it seems.  So I will have roast tonight, and a second baked potato.  I did get kefir reset.  Haven't taken a shower yet, but should be able to get that in.  Then, maybe, work on the freezer top and start dishes.  The goal is to hit two batches of dishes first then, get another shower taken, then set up the last batches of dishes before the visitor shows.  Well, can hope, try.

Plans are forming up.

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So far, three things this week.  And, maybe, a visit?  Not sure about the last.

But, questions.  When, where, how.  The plans are beign made.  I am in rough shape, but may be able to do things anyway.  Not only have I been missing mass, but I have been missing the special things... Ash Wednesday, lenten special events, and Late Christmas masses, and such.

The stations of the cross are coming up.  There is a meal after.  Initially I just saw that there was a meal.  Not... that food is the only thing.  *grins*  I just didn't read the whole message, at first.  Then, after going over it, I realized it was a meal after the stations.  Ah...

Now, I am trying to hit things.  But, I don't want to just hit a part of things.  I would like to figure out how to hit more things, and the whole of them.  The meal is fine, but it is a party to the rest.  Still, I couldn't find when it was to begin.  I looked, didn't see.  Then again, my skills can be lame, at times.  Hunt and peck?  If it isn't mammoth sized, I may... miss it.  If I was to live on grouse, I would probably starve to death.  :p

So, I sent out a missive requesting both the start date, and place to obtain the date and times of special events at the church.  Ugh.  We'll see.  Then I was contacted by a fellow knight.  A reminder of the dinner.  So, I am beginning to be informed of things.  Which is good, that helps.  I just need to be able to find a calendar of events, and times, so as to attempt to be more a full member.

A haircut coming up, then a meal, and finally a mass with special attention.  I haven't gotten to mass this week, may or may not yet.  I am still in a bit of trouble.  But, feeling... better.  And clean, at least today.  With plans of another shower today.  Hoping to do more and better through the week.

It is 45 out there, but still so much snow.  Crazy, sort of.  Partly to mostly cloudy, cool for the reading... in part because it is so wet for the warmth.  We still have a foot or more on the ground?  Give or take.  It's a slower melt, hopefully it stays slow.  We could get in serious trouble if even a quarter of it melted at once.  Much worse at a higher melt rate.  I think I'd be okay here, but you never can be certain.

Later.

A bit rough.

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Down at 22:24, not awake until around noon.  Just couldn't pull out.  I woke a number for times, as early as 8:30.  Just couldn't pull myself out of the sleep, and dreams.  A bit sore.  Here and there.  But not a bad one.  More still sleepy than sore, if I could complain about only one thing.

Hoping to get a shower before long.  Two in a row would be fantastic.  Sassy got fed right away.  And, I'll get her litter changed, and use a new litter box.  I stopped having two out for her, because she just doesn't even use but the one.

A few things to do.  If I can get a shower, I'll reset some dishes, then work on clearing and cleaning the freezertop.

The Keen replacements arrived today.  I need to try them on.  I may see if I can get the other pair repaired?  Might not be something that can be done.  Would be worth a shot.  Probably won't be as good, or last as long.  I just... hate to waste otherwise excellent boots.  Before I close that business, I need to try to them on, make sure they fit, and seem right.  But, other than that, all good.  I really do like those boots.

Well... on to waking and stuff.  Ugh.  Later.

You have no idea.

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Today is one of the best days I have had in weeks.  I was able to push through, for a goodly bit.  I missed mass Saturday and Sunday, and a few other things I had hoped to do.  I just started failing.  Might be getting back to things, we will see.

However, even being a good day, it is rough.  Lungs burn a bit.  Breathing is work, not just something that happens without thought.  Muscles burn a bit, to use, even lightly.  But all of those things are minor compared to what has be causing suffering.  Like I said, not bad today.  Just... not easy.

Sometimes life is easier.  I can, sometimes, breath without it hurting, or having to think about it to make it work.  Sometimes I can do small projects, or even larger projects, without too much suffering.  Without muscles tearing and burning.  It's winter, so I am surprised I have had better days.  Even this condition is far better than usual, for winter.

I have to be close to death.  Then again, I have been closer, farther back, than I am now?  Still, it isn't a comfortable state to be in.  So odd that I was closer to death twenty to thirty years ago than I am now?  Right, but true.  How much difference?  I'd guess, to be honest, a lot.  Though far closer to death, even now, than most people get until the last year or so.  I just... seem to be able to not die, even so.  Or... so far.

I had cleared the bathroom sink.  Or so I thought.  Then it stopped draining again.  So... I ripped it apart, tinkered with it, got the plunger, splashed water everywhere before and after the plunger, but got it draining.  So... it is back in function.  Ugh.  Odd how it does that.

Next, sometime yet this afternoon, a shower.  And, then, maybe clearing and cleaning the freezertop.  I think I can.  I am sure I can.  I will.

As well, I made a batch of gizzards and mushrooms.  Love those things, if more like once a month.  I ate them every, or every other week, for the last month or two.  I guess I missed them.  As well, I baked a roast.  I'll have some of that shortly.  Need some food, or believe I do.

Now?  I don't know.  While I made the roast, I didn't eat it.  I might have some, and make a call or two.  Ugh.  Later.

Nice, mostly.

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I shut the door.  Sassy couldn't come up and bug me all night.  I slept so much better.  A few more nights of that, and I might be back in shape.  As well, it remains cooler up there.  I sleep better when it is cooler, once I have become adjusted to winter weather.

A very slight headache.  I think, this time, from trying to wake myself.  Just at ten.  Not sure when I went to bed.  Oh, but the alarm clock hasn't reset itself.  It is supposed to be on daylight savings setting.  The thing is... twenty years old though.  Maybe things are beginning to fail.  It is the best alarm clock I have ever had.  To date.  I haven't see one with similar features.  All junk, these days.  I think this was supposed to be junk too, it just... worked out, so far.

Sassy was fed right away.  Or she'd be all over me.  She has no idea about daylight savings, so, to her, it is eleven.  Pets call bs on what is, actually bs.  No doubt.

I'll get a shower shortly, do my teeth.  Perhaps set up dishes.  I did get the trash and recycling out last night before bed.  Taking what needed going out, when arranging it for pickup.  I saw one of them come into town, but he wasn't starting pickup here, so went on through.  Always good to know the barrels are out when I see one of the trucks.

It is already 34 F outside.  We did get a small amount of snow last night.  Nothing fancy.  A warmer day and it will be gone.  Not enough to worry about driving over.

Yes, a shower as soon as I can.  Then setting up a few dishpans of dirty dishes.  Some of those have been cleaned, just need... a quick shrift, then a rinse.  If too I have to get the freezertop cleared and cleaned.  Ugh.  And, making water... running it through the r.osmosis machine.  I have started using that for Sassy, too.  Since I can't get to the outdoor hydrant.  During the summer, and if I can fix that for winter use, I'll go back to that water for her.  For now, it is what it is.

A shave too?  Maybe.  I have a haircut coming up.  Might as well be shaved.  Why the haircut?  Since I have started getting back to church, joining in with other things, and becoming more social, I just think that is the way to go.  I burned out, a bit, lately.  So am laying low and smelling like a goat, but the plan is to get back into... some sort of order.  So be it.  Later.

A good deal better.

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Still tired.  Weary to the bone.  I'd love twelve hours down, if I could get it.  But I don't hurt.  Or... mostly.  A few aches and pains, when I notice, bump something, or stretch and feel it.  But it isn't a constant wall of pain.  My heart is a bit weary, but not terribly painfully so.  It just complains once in a while.  I let it.

It is 34 outside.  Not... warm.  But warm enough to begin the thawing process.  Hopefully it keeps in the 34 to 40 range for... the next longer while, freezing from time to time as well.  We have too much snow to hope for a fast thaw.  Flooding would be severe.

Just gaming, lightly.  Nothing fancy, but it keeps me awake.  Not so harsh of gaming that my heart hurts more than it already does.  Just... something to do, to track, to consider.  

I am still hoping to wake a bit better, before long.  In doing so, getting the freezertop cleared, and a shower, would be fantastic.  More would be hoped, but unlikely.  Heating water, to make a fatted coffee.  That might help.  It has been some time since I have had coffee or tea.

Popcorn earlier.  Mostly because it was the easiest thing to cook.  Hungry?  I think so.  More of the mind than of the body, though one can slip a bit far into need without knowing it.  Gotta have some food, from time to time.  Popcorn isn't exactly real food, but... with lots of butter, you do get fats and (if useless) carbs.

I'd really like something real to eat, even a burger or pizza.  I just don't have the money or energy, and I'd have to get a shower.  Ugh.  Later.  Or... maybe goodnight.  Not sure I'll be back to blogging yet tonight?  Dunno.

Sore, achy, tired everywhere, in every way.

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Not sure why.  Everything and everywhere, it really does seem.  I couldn't get to bed until 23:00, waking at about ten.  And, only then, because Sassy has been pushing me to wake for the last six hours?  Ugh.  I may shut the door to the upstairs for the next few days, so I can sleep until I wake.

Life just hurts today.  Not sure I am staying up, or will be awake for long.  For now it will have to do.  It's not my heart or organs, it feels more like my simple muscle and bone parts that hurt.  Mostly.  The heart feels tired.  Nothing too unusual, it happens fairly regularly.  But why?  Perhaps my light pushing was more than even I thought, or... something else?  I don't know.  Should have been back on my feet by now.

Haven't been able to work much lately.  Wanted to clear the freezertop, do some dishes, and get a shower.  Haven't been able to get to it for days.  Even gaming is limited, on easy mode.  I just... haven't been able to think well either.  So tired.  So sore.  Doesn't make sense.

Maybe as weather has closed in?  Now, it's warmer out there, but not as warm as it really should be.  It is 28, today, so far.  It snowed just a bit last night.  But the sun, even behind clouds, is warming the tar of the driveway, causing a light melt of anything which might have been on it, or near it.  It just looks slick, as after a rain.  Everything else remains frozen.

We'll see about today.  Will try to get some things done.  I did get the bed turned and reset this week.  That's... something.  I had been missing that fairly often, while recovering from the broken foot.  Still in minor recovery from that.  It hurts, once or twice a week.  Strange, but better than daily.

Yes, lets see if I can get some things done.  A shower for certain.  Then the freezertop.  If I can get that sorted, dishes can go ahead at will.  Later.

Couldn't get going.

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So very tired.  Too tired.  Had hoped to shower, get out, do dishes, and else.  Just... barely able to stand for long.

I did make eggs, and heated some of the bacon I fried earlier in the week.  I used parchment paper.  And, yes, it works.

I seasoned the pans yesterday, so didn't want to get them messy today.  Seasoned, then lightly oiled after.  I prefer coconut oil, of the oils I have.  Though would truly prefer tallow or leaf fat lard.  I just don't have those currently.

The eggs and bacon turned out very good.  Hungry, still, but... that will do for now.

I'm not in good condition.  So very tired.  A bit sore.  Hungry, even after eating.  I had a bit of salad earlier, with what was left of the ranch dressing.  I need to make more mayo, then ranch and blue cheese dressing.

As well, I need to thaw meat, and pull bone stock.  I just... I can't keep things going.  I'll try.  Tomorrow, or through the week.  Difficult days.  I have pushed a bit hard and am paying the price.

It did get up to 35 or 36 today.  So it is slowly melting off.  All icicles are gone, finally.  Or... were.  Some might be created through the night?  If it stays warmer, though, those just won't stay around.  I had one that was my height in hanging length, maybe more.  We just hadn't had warm weather in months.

I'll try to get to bed earlier tonight.  Then, hopefully, be up earlier in the morning.  No guarantee.  A hope.  I'd like to get to church tomorrow, not sure that is possible.  Just so very tired, worn, hurting.  I won't take painpills until, perhaps, the middle of the week, if needed.  I need to suffer through, and painpills, even mild ones, aren't the best for a body.

Later, or goodnight.  

Awake...

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Not sure when I went to bed.  I think around 21:30?  At the latest.  Maybe as early as 19:30.  I just... don't remember.  20:30?  If I had to guess, after a bit of thought, I'd say that last.  I tried to wake up from 5:30 on.  Didn't crawl out, couldn't, until about 8:30.  Even then, it was a difficult task.

A bit sore today, if not as bad as it has been.  And, I would bet the pain will ease, by itself, without painkillers.  Oh, nothing fancy, as far as painkillers.  Generic tylenol, asperin with caffeine, or acetaminophen asperin and caffeine, depending how severity, and frequency of use.  Caffeine, along with the pain of the broken foot, was causing nausea, thus generic tylenol.

Still, rather tired, a bit sore, and just not moving along all that well.  Had hoped to get to church.  May, may not.  If not, tomorrow.  If not tomorrow, this week.  I do what I can, when I can.  Will do my best.  God knows that is as good as it gets.  Sometimes I simply can't function.

I tried to explain.

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I did lift, bench, 600 pounds at one time.  Some guys think it's impossible, and mocked.  Others wondered if I was huge.  Well, no.  While it was two and a half times my body then weight, exactly, it wasn't as impressive as it might sound.  First, I weight 240 then.  Second, world class is closer to three times the body weight.  So I was a long way away.

I found an example.  And, further, these were body builders.  I was not a body builder.  I was a strength trainer.  So, I didn't work on increasing the size of my chest, or arms.  I did a very different group of workouts.  So, I really didn't build much muscle.  It didn't really show, which was embarassing at the time.  In one sense.  Talking about it, without looking like it, anyway.  Once in the gym, all was good.

The reason many people think strength would induce big muscles is because of what body builders do, both by exercise and by steroids.  Even the old body builders were bigger than strength lifters.  Just by the sorts of workouts they did.  I looked like a solid swimmer.  I had a 31 inch waist, weighed 240.  I had big enough arms, but they didn't look like body builder arms, or chest.

Just... tired.

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I am seasoning my high carbon pans.  Once I sorted them out, I like them a great deal more than cast pans.  Lighter, browns better in my opinion, easier to clean... a number of things.  They rust, like cast.  And require care.  But... once set up, unless I leave them to soak, they do better, for longer, than cast.

After they have finished their second coat, and cooled a second time, I may try to use one to fry eggs, with parchment paper and some butter.  I'm curious if it will work.  Sometimes I think it is bogus, sometimes I think it is reasoanble.  Only one way to find out.

Seven more calls today.  I need to look up the program that is offering to help, and shut it down.  It is probably broadcasting my number to spam calling services, trying to push me into joining their devious, information gathering/stealing program.  Nope.  Not a single call has rung through.  Nor will it.  Unless I joing that thieving company.  Then  only those they allow through would get through.  But, they would get all my phone data, to be used however they wanted.

Windy.  Up to 41, but so very windy.  I keep going out back, shoveling the water from the area where it drains.  It had been a large puddle, now it's just a small puddle.  I can't get much more off, out.  But... this helps.  Then I won't have an ice sheet, or as big of when, when it freezes back up.

Quite the windstorm.  No rain with it, or snow, for now.  If I think that will happen.  Whatever California gets, or what remains of it, will get here before too long.  And it sure looks like they are, or will, get slammed... with snow, and rain, and else.  And for a while.  

I just can't get going!  Ugh.  I'll keep trying.  I have things to do.  A shower to take.  Preparations for tomorrow.  I'll keep at it, if possible.  Or... won't.  We'll see.  Later.

Still getting bogus calls.

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I have received five just this monring, so far.  Seven?  Dump them into files, lock those away, keep the phone from ringing to unknowns.  I had seven or eight files locked up, before the company broke my phone.

Called my mother.  We disagree on things.  She is hoping the her grandkids, my nieces, don't marry younger.  I am hoping at least one does.  The other?  Doubtful.  Have children when young.  You even hit thirty, and... it may well be over, especially if she has been on the pill the whole time.  Beside messing with reproductive capacity, the pill makes them not good at finding, choosing, a viable mate.  They... seem to seek losers, when on the pill.  True fact, look it up.

Whatever.  What will happen will happen.  But, we disagree on that.  There isn't, really, for most women, a later.

They got snow there too, recently.  I don't think they have as much stack up.  And, they have already had days into the 40s.  I think the warmest I have seen it is... today actually?  It was 37 when I looked, if I saw it rightly.  Feels colder, and as if there is wet on the wind.  But there is a puddle flooding onto my back stoop.  With the snow piled up, the ground still frozen, and that stoop a bit caved in... or the cement having fallen in just a bit, it collects water until it has better places to go, or at least a thawed ground which will accept it through the edges.  We had one other day that was 36, that I saw.  But, mostly, it has otherwise been below freezing, or just at 32 for a few other "warmer" days.

I did go looking for offal, of grass fed and finished.  First online.  The prices were a bit too steep.  I can't afford steak at those prices.  Then again, these wouldn't be for more than once a week.  Even so, that's... a bit out of my range.  Not sure the quality difference is that high.

Still, there are local shops.  Not sure I trust, completely.  Not even sure they have access to offal.  Some of them pay a local butcher company for sides, then process from there.  Not even sure you could definitely get the grade you pay for, or grass fed.  Can't trust anyone these days.  Still, will call... see if some of these shops can and will obtain better quality offal.  Can't believe tongue is so expensive.  It used to be a cheaper cut.  It's not my favorite, so I won't pay it.  If it were cheap, I would buy it as a cheap cut.  Even heart, liver, and kidney are overpriced, from what I have seen.  Would like to try sweatbreads, haven't even seen those.  Only on calves, by the time the animal gets to adult, or close enough, those are gone from the animal.

Odd though.  For as warm as that seems, 37 F?  It really is cold out there.  I suppose the wet in the air, the freeze still from the ground snow, the wind?  Yea, it's... cold.  It's not even shining.  I am pretty sure this weather is more lethal than drier colder weather.

I did get the parchment paper.  So, perhaps today or tomorrow, I will try to fry eggs with it.  Just... curious.  And, I can pull a package of fish, and cook it in that as well.  Along with some veggies, butter, and lemon.  I like the idea.

On to... something.  Gaming?  Yes.  Then, if I can wake, to dishes and cleaning and such.  Later.

A bit better.

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Not sure when I went to bed.  20:30, 22:30?  Eight to ten thirty, for you yahoos.  I woke about a quarter after seven?  give or take a quarter.  Feeling generally better.  The pains have eased.  Some are gone, some are still there but lighter.  Good.  Sleepy still, tired... on the inside.  But doing much better, all around.

Sassy has been fed, I am having kefir.  Waking on the machine.  A shower, in a bit.  Dishes set up after.  The freezertop cleared and cleaned both for dishes in a bit, and to pull bone broth out as I pull liver out.  Liver and onions tomorrow night.  Kidneys Wednesday?  Yes.

Oh, I did look up rancidity.  And, almond and coconut flour go rancid rather quickly.  Should have known that.  So much fat in those.  Good fats, I suppose.  But yes.  As to oat fiber and wheat gluten, those last much longer.  Very little fat.  Though, it depends on how they are stored, but can last a decade.  I haven't stored them the best, but not the worst either.  I think they should still be good.  I will toss the old flours though.

I do have fresh, and may get more... but keep it where it will last a bit longer.  Not upstairs at room temp, especially in hot summers.  Though, with mice, I really need a container which will keep them out.  Damned things get in everything.  Sure, I have means of killing them, but that has to be an ongoing project.  Anytime I slow down, new ones move in.  Can't kill them fast enough, especially in this cold snowy winter.

Yes, dishes, a shower, sorting more clothes, and maybe some cleaning in the bathroom and hallway... finally.  Perhaps even taking down some boxes.  Who knows.  Gaming inbetween.  And maybe some food works.  Hard to tell.  Later.

Goodnight.

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I'll say a heavier prayer tonight.  Getting to bed earlier, should be able to do an half hour prayer.  I'll try to give ten minutes of quiet listening after.  Fifteen minutes if possible.  We'll see.  Yea, I'll get most of you, and sometimes two or three times.  The powerful, the meek, the wise, fools, and the tweeners.  I wear a lot of shoes, don't know about you, but even I get hit a lot.

Tired, but better.  Sleepy.  Sore.  Weary.  But grateful to be so.  I love it when I can push through to exhaustion, even physical pain from using muscles enough, or muscles which haven't been used in a while.  Something about being sore, weary, tired, and the rest that... reminds me that I have things to do.

I don't pray to God to relieve the pain.  I request that he accept my suffering with joy, on both sides I hope.  I work in His honor.  In part to create the gifts as mentioned.  I can't give much money, but I can give this.  And the humility that comes with it.

Sleep well.  Goodnight.

A bunch of calls.

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All bogus.  Then a pop, offering "protection" from scam calls.  Gotcha.  No.  The protection service is not only intrusive, and eliminates security... they simply sell access to a more limited crew of crooks... the one that pay them.  Further, their security protocols open you up to their snooping.  No thanks, I have... means of dealing with those.

I ended up getting about eight calls, within fifteen minutes.  Easy enough to fix.  Fixed.  I can't believe people trust google, verizon, or any of the other even big name companies to protect them.  They are the ones who are creating or allowing the calls.  And they absue any information they get, selling it or giving it to fellow crooks in return for their information.

Nope.  I'll fix it myself.  Have.

Gaming, mostly, today.  Munching on sprouts, eating kefir.  Just not up to cooking today.  Maybe tomorrow.  Though... probably everything I have out is... bad.  I'll toss it and pull other meat out.  Burger, liver, and a roast of some sort sounds about right.  I have to admit, going out for supper tonight sounds good.  But I just don't have the money.  At least for this and the rest of the month.  So... I'll... just have more kefir.  And, maybe sardines.  Nothing fancy, but it works for me.

I just can't pull out of the dive.  Tired.  I've pushed things for a goodly while now.  Hopefully to mass this weekend.  And, maybe, beginning to weekly mass, at least once next week.  As well, as cleaning and working on a few things hereabouts.  After a few days rest, save for mass, over the weekend.

The painpills did help with the body aches.  For now.  The rest of the weekend I will just endure.  I've given myself a few days off.  And, really, that is as much pain relief as I could hope for, in a row.  Almost surprised the painpills worked, save that it is from physical effort, given my condition.  So, maybe that is the difference?  It has been good to have some relief.  It's been rough, even if I have been keeping at it.

Well, on to a bite and... something.  Later.  Possibly goodnight.  Not going to bed really soon, just might not get back here tonight.  Or... maybe.  

I hurt.

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Shoulders, arms, legs, and tension all over on top of it.  Torso is good, no headache.  I've had much worse.  This is just from getting up, showering, doing the little else I did, including walking collecting tools, and such.  But... not from yesterday.  From doing things three times a week, to town, driving, etc.

All good though.  And, in the cold, and snow, and still somewhat dark.  Not a bad little run.  Especially for the season.  This has been a diamond in the rough run.  And, as I have mentioned, I love pushing beyond my means... when I can.  Surprised I haven't crashed, hard.

Kefir might help, especially as much as I drink.  Eating sprouts, too.  Mostly carnivore, other than those things.  If kefir might be a... type of carnivore.  For those who can handle it, taking away the lactose to feed the symbiotics, makes the stuff solid.  And those sprouts.  Gotta admit, they aren't... tasty?  I've just been eating them a pinch at a time, as I pass by.  Sort of beginning to like the odd taste.  But, really?  I think it is as good as veggies get, for human consumption.  

My guess is the early hunter gatherers started eating such things.  First just to... put something in the belly.  Then, after a time, they learned which ones satisfied better than others.  Eventually, they began trying to cultivate, or at least stear their hunts through areas more rich in these.  And, just a pinch here and there.  Never really filling up on it.  Just... a pinch, from time to time... to spare the plant, make sure it would regro, as well... hoping a meat meal would pop over the next hill, around the next bend, down the next draw.  I can see it in my mind.  I realize my connection to those people as I pinch a bit of the stuff off, and tuck it in, chew it.  It's... not meat, but it is something until meat is available.

Painkillers.  I think so.  I used them yesterday.  I will today again.  I don't like to do that, twice in a row.  But, this is actual muscle and bone weariness pains.  Not chemical problems from medicine, or the bad heart.  This is from pushing a tired old body for weeks.  So... I am trying to create a minor relief, so as to heal a bit easier.

I won't be pushing it today.  Though I would like to try to get a few things done.  A few dishpans of dishes, trash and recycling sorted, and cleaning the bathroom.  Just a touchup in there.  The toilet is clean, I started working on the bathroom sink... plus figured out why it was draining so slowly and have nearly fixed that.  Just want to sweep and mop the floor, then finish with the sink drain reset.  Hair in the mechanism.  Had to pull the mechanism, but was running late to get to the oil change, then was worn out when I returned.

Work, work, work, money, money, money.  But... I'm... trying, getting there, moving along.  Oh, and I have figured out some things I had been worried about.  Compression socks which won't bind as much.  I have short, long, and longer now.  It takes a bit to get it right, and costs money.  But, I think it works out, eventually.  Everything I do is difficult, until it is sorted, and done.  Then it's a matter of keeping up.

Well... on to fixing something to eat.  Then... I don't know.  Dishes?  Sure.  Bit by bit, I'll work my way through some things.  Later.

Just about to shut down.

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Up a bit late.  Just... things on my mind, trying to come down from a few weeks of successes, and even just from today.  Well, and I tried to push through, get to a few things.  The prospects today did not turn out as I had hoped.  But... it could have been worse.  I should be to bed by 23:00.

I did make plans to help a fellow.  He has a cough that bothered me.  Not as in it bugged, or irritated.  It just... sounded, seemed, familiar.  Different causes, perhaps.  But, I know that dry, empty, useless, cough.  It feeds upon itself, as a bit of a double curse.

I got it when on the waterpills.  If I didn't drink enough, or the pills were too efficacious, I would end up with a burning thirst nothing could quench.  Or... nothing I new then.  Pickle juice, I learned, would help.  But... that's rather salty.  And, it's difficult to find pickles that are regularly made well, and the juice tastes good, plus with right ingredients.

Eventually I remembered a singer I knew.  He was a preacher too.  But it was his singing which would dry him out.  He used vinegar, as a part to some water.  I never knew his ratio, though I think he played it by ear, and current tastes.

Further, I really started enjoying carbonated water.  Though this works with regular water.  And, I had started using electrolyte powder.  Then combining those two.  Eventually, through this source, trial and error, and just experimenting, I added the vinegar to those first two.  And, yes, that... really helped.

Plus, it isn't bad.  None of it is bad.  And, it seems, I can only really drink it when I need it.  Or it sits and goes to waste.  Then I began trying it with variations.  Differnt flavors of electrolyte powder, different flavors of carbonated water (and sometimes just plain), plus various vinegars... apple cider, plain white, red or white wine vinegars... so far.  And, yes, it... cuts the grail... slakes the thirst... and replenishes some things the body is missing.

So... I am offering to let him sample a few variations to see if anything helps him out.  I did contact him this afternoon.  He seems interested.  Will see if it works for him.  Sure hope so.  Hate to hear people with that... hack.  I get it... wished someone had offered me this, on a silver platter as it were.  Though, maybe it won't work.  Worth a shot.  I'm not a doctor, don't need to be one in every case.

Anyway... on to bed.  Goodnight.

Going through my supplies.

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I have flour, glutens, oat fiber, and such from years ago.  Just never used it.  If it has been opened, I toss it.  As for if it hasn't been opened?  I am just about to look up what sort of shelf-life some of these things happen.  Best sold by xx/2022?  But, if it has a practical shelf-life of five or ten years, sure, I'll at least try it.  If not, toss.  I hate to toss, but sometimes you have to.

I do have fresh stuff, just in case.

The goal is to finally begin making keto breads, and buns, and such.  I found a source for a couple of good flours.  One for deserts, mostly.  The one I will put in today is for breads and such, mostly.

Oil, cabin air, and enginer air filters...

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Checked, cleaned, changed, as needed.  Oh, oil filter too, of course.  Done.  All good.  Then a meal, after.  The Black Pearl, a decent oriental shop... some Chinese?  Defenitely Tai, and Japanese, including sashimi... if that isn't exactly my thing.  I did try that the first time.  It wasn't as much damage as I feared.  Though, the cost of changing the oil, oil filter, and air filters on my own was far less than the meal and raw costs combined.

Thinking about it, changing just the oil and filter on my own saved me more than the costs of doing it, and the meal, by a forty spot.  Toss in the filters, and... Probably another hundred, hundred and fifty, with parts (which don't cost much).  I have a good shop, but they just can't beat doing it yourself.  They are paying guys $45 an hour, at least, and taking at least that much over the top, as well as charging parts and delivery, which... they don't pay, plus a huge markup.  No choicce.  And many people don't have that choice.  But... at least this time, I did.  

It... needed changed.  Yea.  Still, it worked well.  This summer, when it cools in the evening, I should be able to change it with my lift and jack stands.  Easily.  Though, to be honest, I only need to change it every few years.  Low mileage, pure synthetic oil, it does well.  Looked at the breaks.  They still seem good.  Never changed 'em, ride them worse than my mother!  Well built, I guess.  Tires have, 45 k on them.  And still have and inch and an half of tread?  An inch for sure.  Glad I didn't go with stock, now.  Sometimes it just... works out.  I ended up at Big O, without much choice.  Glad I did.  Should get them rotated and balanced before long though.

On the way back, I picked up a bunch of twelve packs of La Croix, in many flavors.  I have wanted to try them, and have a few flavors from last time I went shopping.  But they were on sale, at two 12 packs for $9.  They are still going for from $18 a 12 pack, as the cheapest I saw only in lime, on amazon.  Yea, they aren't able to sell them.  Unloading at other stores.  They aren't great, they just aren't bad, and better for me than soda, and a little bit of variation on regular carbonated waters.  I got enough to taste most flavors they make, and to last me months.  And at a quarter the price amazon is offering them.  Shipping, I get it, to a degree.  Especially now.  But, still.  No.  Now I am in the good.

I did get a shower before I got out.  Was running ten to fifteen minutes late.  But... all good.  It was a good day.  Got back by 13:00, I think.  Yes, now I can rest probably much of the rest of the week.  I need to get my dress slacks in to the dry cleaners.  But, other than that... and that can be done... whenever.  No mass this week, save this Saturday.  Just... too tired.  Can't probably even get the slacks out until next week, unless... something something forces me out?

I... need rest, boys and girls.  I have pushed so very hard.  Too hard.  Need a bit of a rest, days of it.  And to get back to the house and home things.  I did flip kefir last night, but haven't been able to drink it.  So, running into... problems.  I'll keep at it.  Probably only need three gallons of whole milk this week.

Would like to set up some more creme fraiche, and check on the mascarpone cheese.  Perhaps a few other such things.  Oh, make new fresh mayo, then use the blue cheese I got to make a batch of blue cheese dressing.  As well as a new batch of homemade ranch.  Love these little delights.  And, with kefir to add in, those dressings last a very long time, without all the chemicals.  Check!

What a wonderful day.  Though it is snowing in spits and leaps, from time to time.  It's a bit frightful out there.  Should it rain, we could have a mountain of snow flood our world.  Hoping for a nice, easy, run.  Oh... I did hear?  The snow pack feeding Lake Powel and Lake Mead?  It hasn't decreased.  That ISN'T drought, that is merely overusage of the same water sources as always.  Don't believe a thing they write.  Nothing.  Not these days.  Surprised the Catholic radio was allowed to go with that story.  Though, to be honest, the Catholic reporter was on the wrong side of the thing, it was the scientist he was speaking with who corrected him.  Check!

*grins*

Oh, my brother took a picture of his gift.  And thanked me.  Says it's just what was needed.  Dang kid.  Hmm... said something about birthdays coming up.  Will... have to get that data from him.  Try to... keep up, as I begin getting up, waking up, pushing through?  I... can try.  Later.

A very rough morning.

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It may not look like it from your perspective, but I have been pushing things.  I have had something, every other day, out of the house, and things at home daily, for the last... two weeks?  In deep winter, or what is passing for it still.  I call 12 F, and two feet of snow, deep winter.  Just saying.

Not sure spring or fall are even that much better to allow what is happening.  And summer is definitely as difficult, or worse, than winter.  But, we'll see.  I have been doing a bit better in all regions.  But this is a surprise.  It started with making a single connection.  And has expanded to catching back up with the church, getting going, and opening from there.

Some of it is just taking care of my body.  A haircut, the pedicure cycle... which will probably be every other month after this, and considering swimming.  And it all happened at the first of the month, when shopping is happening, and else.  So it's... an extra busy time of the month to begin... coming back to life?  Ye-as!  :p

Still, so far, I am... holding my own.  Can't set up swimming this month, most likely.  Money, money, money.  But if I am still on my feet next month, I will at least look more into it.  Well, not just the upfront cost, but gas into town and back.  That is an extra, say, four to five hundred miles a month... so... two tanks of fuel (assuming it isn't stolen on top of that), so about $125~$150 more a month?  See?  Yea.  Plus the pass.  It adds up.

Today?  Oil change, and inspection, only I am doing it?  Yea.  Maybe.  I should look for the air filters and cleanout foam, and the manual.  Get my tools out.  Can't remember what size the oil plug is, but that is what the manutal, and engineering barring that, is about.  :p  Yea.  Things to do.

Oh heck, boys and girls... Doom might be spreading his wings again.  I pray to God to allow just enough to be even more humble?  Aye.  Doing your own maintenance, up to some point, is humbling... and yet that is so absolutely fulfilling.  It is like taking out the trash, for your woman.  Or, getting the inspections and licnensing on the vehicles done, for her.  Or washing your own laundry, socks and unders right in the shower.  Not just taking care, but taking care as wisely and frugally as is reasonable.  

Though, the more you go in that direction, the further you can go.  Eventually, you can live on a nickle rather than the dollar you had thought minimal.  And, I... am getting there.  Of course, there is always something.  But, living on a dime, or quarter, as I am at now?  Means I have just a bit stuffed away in case I... need to pay out large on something.  Couldn't replace my house, could replace my tires... and they are... spendy.

God asked me for humility.  Me!  Of all people.  I really didn't like the call, but there is something about Him.  His call is... more potent than my prostestations.  Pun partly intended.  So it goes.  Once you find Him, or... He finds you?  You either live in truth, or you deny... knowing the cost.  Even if I don't end up in heaven, I won't stop doing what I understand to be His will.  I... can't.  Even in hell, I would only improve.  I tell you no lie.

Anyway... time to... have some kefir, get a shower and dressed, find some tools and a manual, and replacement parts, and... begin pondering the world of automechanics and the plains of action rather than contemplation?  Well, there will be some contemplation, as I learn, see, understand.  It's been a while since I honestly picked up a wrench or such to put to metal and else, on an oiled, steel, cast iron, and else device, in order to fix or maintain it.  Should be... interesting.  Wasn't ever really my job, just something I tinkered with while floating mid-ocean, in various ways.  Death walked among them, with a smile, and sometimes a wrench.  Or... maybe?  I can't be sure.  Later.

Supper should be excellent.

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Corned beef, new (small red) potatoes, carrots, celery, and mushrooms.  The corned beef is storebought, but it will do.  It was browned, in butter, before water was added.  Potatoes will go in fifteen minutes after the start.  Carrots another ten minutes along.  Then celery and mushrooms another fifteen minutes in.  Should be done in forty five minutes?  That's sort of the goal.

I'll try to get a few more things done.  Feeding Sassy in bits and pieces.  Plus giving her attention otherwise through the day.  Love the little lady.  And she usually likes me, mostly... a bit.  Pretty much like every female I have known.  *grins*  They are God's gift to us, and we to them, or... that was the rigging as the ship first sailed.  I... like the idea.

Oh, an arrangement has been made, for a flattop cut.  Next week... one of the days... at some hour or other.  So, yes, I am getting things arranged.  Spending a bit more than anticipated this month, but that is how it goes.

Ugh.  I'll keep at it.  Have more to do tomorrow, as well?  Yea.  I'll try to get a shower in yet tonight.  Not that it's necessary for what is to be done tomorrow, but... I'm... I try to be picky, righteous, clean.  I try.

I did reset the bed.  Forgot to do it over the weekend.  Have been pushing so very hard.  Too hard.  I lose track.  But I do my best, when and where I can remember to hit things.  Really pushing things, but so be it.

A few things.

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Deliveries, always good.  I was sure what they said would be delivered today could not have made it.  It started in Ontario, California, yesterday.  If... what they put up is correct.  And, yes, it made it.  I have doubts about the rest of it, but will be glad to have them prove me wrong.  Not worried if not, just... thinking.

My brother could have received his package.  It is saying it has been delivered.  I'm sure I'll hear something, one way or another... sometime.  Never can tell.

And the warantee on the boots went through.  So I went shopping.  They said the value of the code was $160, on their site.  So imagine my unhappiness to see the price of the pair I needed to replace was $5 more.  Still, it's... what I wanted.  I really like those boots.  Will have to break them in a bit again, but worth it.

Now, I didn't pay that much, where I got them.  So, I had been worried about that as well.  I did have to pay taxes.  But on the slow boat, no shipping or other charges, and the amount listed covered the price.  So... as good as I can get.  I won't complain.

I baked a few potatoes.  So hungry I had one.  The rest will be eaten after cooling and being reheated, through the week.  Will see if it works better that way.  I have a pot soaking, in which to make corned beef.  I forgot the cabbage, but I'll survive.  Carrots, celery, and new potatoes.  I know, more potatoes, but... it just works that way sometimes.

It's up to 22, or so, out there.  It looks like there was some melting, but... that seems odd.  Can't believe it is March, and still so much snow, and so cold.  Worth it for the snow.  And I don't even think it is done snowing, probably.  We'll see.  Later.

Had to laugh.

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I was speaking with my brother the other day.  I had some... grumps... about some things.  Still, I let him have his words.  Instead of barking orders, I did something about it.  I can't... make a horse drink, but I can lead it to water.  So, I did.

I texted him, today.  Let him know a package was going to be delivered.  I got a text back, probably as soon as he noticed.  What?  Not sure if he was asking what was in it, or what this was about.  But, then, he called.  Dog with peanut butter.  Or about to get some?  Or... a burrito?

I laughed.  Told him the package was for him, not mom and I made a mistake in comms or such.  But, asked if he wanted to know what it was.  He did.  I told him he'd have to pick up the package.  Then laughed.  He laughed too.  I still don't think he thought that was all that funny.  I definitely did.  What's in the package.  Please!?!  Nope.

And, while he thought about it, and guesed?  Nope, or maybe, or not all.  Had to laugh some more.  No, good game.  Everythings cool.  From my end of the conversation.  Life is fun.

I'll get the kefir sorted soon.  And, make something to eat?  But what.  There was something in there.  I'd like to find out.  Oh, maybe corned beef?  Well, sure, but that will take a goodly while.  Hmm, maybe just a can of sardines, as that gets prepared and cooked?  Maybe.

Life is so fun, sometimes.  -  What is it!  -  Shutup!  :p  Later.

So tired still.

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However, that means nothing.  I went to bed between 20:00 and 22:00?  Where in there I can't say.  As I started to come down from events yesterday, and really a build up from the last week, given the weather and else, I didn't just ease down, I began to fall down.  My mind and body just... collapsed.  I made it upstairs, but memory, and thought were gone by the time I rolled up into the blankets for sleep.  Beautiful, in a way.  I love being that tired when going to bed.

I woke just a bit after seven.  I tried to wake earlier, starting at, perhaps, five thirty?  Sassy tried to help.  Though, last night, she slept with me much of the night.  I love the tigger girl.  Enjoy having her up there.  Some nights she is there, often not.  She was named, and rightly, Sassy. It... matches.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  I don't own her, she is a friend.  Usually.

Fed first thing, her litter box reset.  She lives a happy life.  Especially since I have started feeding her six times a day.  No more food, I just spread the can and some treats, throughout the day.  She has lost a lot of weight.  I don't think she can lose the last bit down to thin, like her mom was.  But I think her mom was too thin start to stop, even before she got ill.  So, I am good with her weight.  Not perfect, but she is fixed, middle aged, and a pure homebound girl.  So, it's good.

It got cold.  It is 12, F, out there.  Ugh.  It had gotten up to 34, maybe 36 yesterday?  Some melting happened, if you really can't tell it, save on the driveway, and along the roads a bit.  I was hoping it would be a bit warmer today.  Nope.  Or... not yet.  It... might happen.  Weather in these hereabouts can switch in a minute.  Treacherous, dangerous, beautiful.  Living on the natural edge.

I'll try to get the day going.  Some food cooked.  Eggs and bacon as a start, at some point.  Kefir turned over, and some of the kefir grains put up, in the freezer.  Time and date labeled, so as to keep some track.  Lemons put up, in salt storage, and of course time and date labeled.  Nothing fancy, but... a few things.

And, I am going to look for grass fed, grass finished offal.  I'm not so worried about the protein parts of the animal.  But organs, maybe a bit more concerned.  That is where bad things would collect.  Not terribly worried, but if I am going to have concern, it would be with offal... organ meat.  Would like to see if I could find kidney, liver, heart, even maybe tongue (if tongue has become far too expensive, at least at the store... strange).  Anyway... a few things like that.

I did already take care of some business.  Where I shop online suggested my card was overdrawn.  But... that shouldn't have been.  So I checked that.  Nope.  I wonder if they were just trying to get me to put on another card, for neferious or more nefarious reasons.

I have been suspicious of them, so I have started watching closely, and limited to one card.  And gotten access to what is being put on that card, and keeping it to just that shop.  Don't trust.  No, I still had plenty on that card.  Not sure what that was about.  Could have just been a flaw in their system, but... maybe they want access to other cards.  Who knows how much money they run through systems, legally and not so much, to push and pull things.  Too big to fail, or even be rightly kept in check maybe.  But, yea, I sorted that out already.

You can't live an automated life.  They'll strip you to the bone, steal every penny, and look for anything else they can get.  Being mostly dead is difficult.  Though, I think a lot of people are sleeping with the parasites, being eaten alive, not even realizing they are being robbed, cheated, and else.  A lot of people are being completely cheated out of their income.  It's dark out there.  The government is either not on your side, or conversely the one doing the crimes.  The eunuch wars have begun.  The Chinese know this war.  Even when they won them, the few times, they still lost them.  Bureaucrats equal eunuchs.  Ugh.

Exhausted.

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Couldn't sleep, quite yet.  Odd how that happens if I extend a bit too far, sometimes.  Overreach can have odd consequences.  Bratwursts and sauerkraut is being cooked as I write.  I couldn't find the sauerkraut I used to get, but I found a new (to me) type which is made the original way.  How much carries over, through packaging, processing, and such... that I don't know.  I don't even know if I will like it.  Only one way to find out.

There were a few other things I wanted to do, out and at home.  It doesn't always happen.  I did a number of things, though.  Not... a terrible day.  It did wear me down.  That's not a bad thing.  I really wouldn't mind dying by trying.  That's... not the goal, though, either.  Trapped in life, or was.  Now I have surrendered to it, and attempt to... just live, as wisely as possible.  Just... saying, if I pushed too hard, I'd rather die trying than just being a lump... when I have a choice.

I'll need rest tomorrow.

Might see if there is a movie on, worth watching.  Many movies I thought were great, when I was... secular, younger, worse... I am embarrassed I enjoyed.  So, no, old movies aren't great, better.  In them I see the seeds of the destruction of this culture.  America specifically, but the West generally.  Multiculturalism, tolerance for things which shouldn't be tolerated, making certain people and institutions the enemy.  It... was all there.  If people had turned off television long ago?  Yes, a different world today.  Well, and radio, even the news.

Did we have to get to this point?  I don't think so.  Sloth of mind and spirit lead to the rest of the forms.  Even when I was in good shape, I was slothful of spirit.  Now it's the opposite, to the best of my ability.  Can't do much about the flesh, can't always stand. Can and do pray, and find the forms of grace open to me.  Don't trust anyone, but... I don't need to trust everyone, or even anyone.  Odd how things go.

If you have ever read about the son of perdition, you will know he will come from the stock of the holy, wise, kind, just.  He will be twisted to just the opposite.  I... sometimes think, if one must have that happen, there might be one who has the opposite happen.  Just the way things work.  While I am not holy, I was quite dark, and I have come to the light as much as that is possible.  Dark indeed, deeply.  Chose, and was called to the choice, a better way.

Well... on to something.  The brats take a while.  Hopefully bed after dinner.  Goodnight.