.
.
Actually, today has been since yesterday morning, I believe. Or was it afternoon? In any case, I had promised to give someone a ride today. And, so I did. However, with my schedule being off (sleeping days and staying up nights), I knew the only way I could keep that promise was to stay awake overnight. And, so I did. I also hoped to change my schedule around, get some work done in the early Monday hours, and begin figuring things out. And, again, so I did.
Since it was early, and none of the hardware stores were open, I went to Wal-Mart to see about plumbing supplies. Happily I found precisely what I needed, and quite inexpensively. I will be taking the other supplies back to Lowes for a refund. While Wal-Mart had only one thing to choose and Lowes had dozens (but nothing that worked!), I had little choice. Weird. I also installed the parts and my plumbing works! I checked at the neighbor’s door at 10:00, as had been the deal. She was not ready, and would not be for an hour. So, I went out and had breakfast (my kitchen was still a mess). When I returned, she was waiting.
I took her to her appointment and learned more about her. I also learned that she is liberal. Oh, nothing she said, just how she responded. As with my Mother and my long time lady friend, when they get in uncomfortable waters and are asked to think, they shut down. Same with this woman. Well, this IS Iowa City, the Burkley of the Mid-West. And, she does fit here. Still, it was done.
When she returned, she asked if she could stop by for a visit. I suggested my house was a mess. Between the plumbing, the move, and my exhaustion, I did not think it was fit to have company. She asked if she could help, as a return for my driving and occasional meal buying. Sure! And, now, my kitchen is clean and usable. I did help, though I was wearing down. I dried some things, put stuff away she did not know where to put, and ended up mopping the floor (the dishwasher had backed up, so starting it, then stopping it, and then opening it left the kitchen floor quite wet). I also, earlier, had partially cleaned the bathroom.
It is not perfect, but it is a huge dent in an untenable (to me) situation. And, if I can get my days and nights turned around (or not), get going a bit on the little bits left, perhaps I can swing my bumb bum into gear and get back on the road. I really ought to have a jar of pickled pork feet, but honestly I am too tired to enjoy it. It is on my list, hopefully after another batch of work. It will be the 7th meal I have eaten in the last 12 days. Oh, I thought about eating, and I have been very hungry… I just did not know what to do about it. I was too tired to even go out and do a drive-thru.
One day does not a week make. I will take what I can get, when I can get it, at this point though. Now, my last job of the day, is to stay a w a k e t w o o r t h r e e m o r e h o u r s. *sigh* It needs to be done. And yes, sometimes, if they ever really do end up doing so, I can probably set my own broken bones. I sometimes wonder if I just love suffering or if I am just lucky that way. Ack!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Every once in a while it all makes some sense.
.
.
Though I do have real difficulties, I am allowed to see others who are far more troubled. There are various ways I see this. When I have felt bad about having a bit of a belly, I saw a show about the 1,000 pound man. I am, generally speaking, able to physically do anything anyone else can do and sometimes I can do far more. I can, generally, cook for myself, shop, take care of all my basic needs, and move around. That man could not even go to the bathroom! But there are other cases. I see disabled people who so poorly manage any moneys or alms they receive, or receive so little, that they live in squalor, and or on the streets, and do not eat and drink well, and further, they seem to fall into dark lives through being broken down or giving up. As well, as bad as I may have been before finding my way Home, I see others who have lived far worse. Though I parted from God, and I did indeed sin, my sins were more animal. I had many relationships, I fought a good deal, I was not necessarily trustworthy in peripheral manners, but I did not seek out evil for it’s own sake. The one I discuss came back Home as well. But I see many who will not end their ways. Considering all, I am very blessed.
I completed a few chores today. I will not list them, as they are quite minor. However, it is more than I have been able to do in over a week. I am setting up to do even more work tonight. Perhaps if I can nibble at the cracker, eventually my psyche can find a way to consume the whole thing. And then, begin a diet of simple task crackers that end up feeding my needs. My exhaustion is a horror, still. If I did not have a history, I would seek medical attention. It is as if I have a minor stroke, only the weakness is distributed to both sides of my body, therefore not quite literally crippling. Breathing is difficult, staying awake is difficult, moving around is tough. A few tasks completed is actually a big thing. I do not know if doing more will really help me get out of this. It cannot hurt though, and it might play a part in improving my health and capacity to do more. It is difficult to see anything clearly, though, at the moment.
My mother received her flowers today. I was not awake to receive any of her calls, but from the messages, I think she was very happy. I still think it is too funny how pleased women are with flowers and getting them on certain days! I cannot seem to please women in general, and generally. But if this is it, then so be it. I will probably call another woman on Mother’s Day. Though she no longer has contact with her children, she did give birth, and she loved as she could or understood. Oh, and I ought to keep that flower thing in mind. If a woman cries, all I know is it is either really good or really bad. This one, I think, is good. *grins*
Well, I should try to figure out what I am trying to figure out. And, once that is done, perhaps I ought to try and act on it. Pickled pork feet await as a treat for some successful work.
.
Though I do have real difficulties, I am allowed to see others who are far more troubled. There are various ways I see this. When I have felt bad about having a bit of a belly, I saw a show about the 1,000 pound man. I am, generally speaking, able to physically do anything anyone else can do and sometimes I can do far more. I can, generally, cook for myself, shop, take care of all my basic needs, and move around. That man could not even go to the bathroom! But there are other cases. I see disabled people who so poorly manage any moneys or alms they receive, or receive so little, that they live in squalor, and or on the streets, and do not eat and drink well, and further, they seem to fall into dark lives through being broken down or giving up. As well, as bad as I may have been before finding my way Home, I see others who have lived far worse. Though I parted from God, and I did indeed sin, my sins were more animal. I had many relationships, I fought a good deal, I was not necessarily trustworthy in peripheral manners, but I did not seek out evil for it’s own sake. The one I discuss came back Home as well. But I see many who will not end their ways. Considering all, I am very blessed.
I completed a few chores today. I will not list them, as they are quite minor. However, it is more than I have been able to do in over a week. I am setting up to do even more work tonight. Perhaps if I can nibble at the cracker, eventually my psyche can find a way to consume the whole thing. And then, begin a diet of simple task crackers that end up feeding my needs. My exhaustion is a horror, still. If I did not have a history, I would seek medical attention. It is as if I have a minor stroke, only the weakness is distributed to both sides of my body, therefore not quite literally crippling. Breathing is difficult, staying awake is difficult, moving around is tough. A few tasks completed is actually a big thing. I do not know if doing more will really help me get out of this. It cannot hurt though, and it might play a part in improving my health and capacity to do more. It is difficult to see anything clearly, though, at the moment.
My mother received her flowers today. I was not awake to receive any of her calls, but from the messages, I think she was very happy. I still think it is too funny how pleased women are with flowers and getting them on certain days! I cannot seem to please women in general, and generally. But if this is it, then so be it. I will probably call another woman on Mother’s Day. Though she no longer has contact with her children, she did give birth, and she loved as she could or understood. Oh, and I ought to keep that flower thing in mind. If a woman cries, all I know is it is either really good or really bad. This one, I think, is good. *grins*
Well, I should try to figure out what I am trying to figure out. And, once that is done, perhaps I ought to try and act on it. Pickled pork feet await as a treat for some successful work.
Perhaps the outlook is improving.
.
.
I am still struggling. If I have done little, I have also not fallen into complete disrepair. I try to keep my eye on what needs to be done, without dispair. I try to be awake and as functional as possible when I am able to be awake. And, if I happen to see a chink in the wall that bars me, literally, from acting, I will try to escape my prison and get whatever done that I can get done. It is frustrating. I suppose it would be like flying and airplane and having the engines quit. You know that panicking will not help. You know that you cannot just pump the engines, at least at first. It is better to go through a checklist, look for problems while you are doing that, and then trying to restart the engines in an ordered manner. Too concentrated of an effort to start the engines might drain the battery, flood something, or overlook a minor problem preventing the re-ignition. So, I fall, as calmly as possible, rationally looking for my wings.
I did take care of Mother’s Day! I sent my Mom a dozen mixed roses. The advert suggested they would be less expensive than they ended up. The trick was that you had to sign up for a year program with them with a monthly fee, after which they would "reimburse" the cost of shipping. If I regularly ordered flowers, it might have been worth it, though I think I would have had to order a lot to make it pay for itself. Oh well, the price was about right for what I ordered, ordered any other way, so no real skin off my nose. I thought I would receive a call today, as this is as late as they could be delivered. No call. I hope she got them, I will be highly agitated if she did not, especially with the false advertisement too boot.
My lady friend popped in today. I think she finally understands how bad of a situation I am in. She forgets, sometimes, how bad it can get. She knows what tired is, and it haunts her. She does not understand being crippled by it. When we lived together, she never understood. Now, about 99% of the time, I was able to make her a dinner before work. She had to do shopping some of the time, and more so if she wanted a very specific dish, or set of dishes, for the meal (I bought groceries, generally, but refused to by "organic" foods for every dish, or even most meals). But there were times where my efforts were minimalist (though I think she greatly enjoyed these too). I simply could not engage in a serious (my version) three to five course meal. And, there were times, weeks even months, where that was all I could do. She forgets, easily. It has been a while since it has been like that. The medicine I was taking was working grandly, certainly better than without, and for almost two years. Too bad the new doctor dropped it and I could neither find the same results in private medicine nor afford private medical care.
I know I thought I was getting better before. But this time, I think it is coming around again. Recovery can be slow, I can stumble on that path, but I just feel it approaching. I am not sure if I can do anything to help it. I am trying to drink plenty of water, though eating is difficult as it is complicated by the kitchen problem, my general inability to cook anyway, and finances. Somehow, my bank is saying my checking account is dry. It really should not be. I have been meaning to get in and check that out, but getting out of bed is about as much as I have been able to muster, and then only weakly. Yes, it is a mess. I have had worse, I do think I am getting a bit better, and I am keeping my head about me this time more easily. Ack!
Good night, or good morning as the case may be.
.
I am still struggling. If I have done little, I have also not fallen into complete disrepair. I try to keep my eye on what needs to be done, without dispair. I try to be awake and as functional as possible when I am able to be awake. And, if I happen to see a chink in the wall that bars me, literally, from acting, I will try to escape my prison and get whatever done that I can get done. It is frustrating. I suppose it would be like flying and airplane and having the engines quit. You know that panicking will not help. You know that you cannot just pump the engines, at least at first. It is better to go through a checklist, look for problems while you are doing that, and then trying to restart the engines in an ordered manner. Too concentrated of an effort to start the engines might drain the battery, flood something, or overlook a minor problem preventing the re-ignition. So, I fall, as calmly as possible, rationally looking for my wings.
I did take care of Mother’s Day! I sent my Mom a dozen mixed roses. The advert suggested they would be less expensive than they ended up. The trick was that you had to sign up for a year program with them with a monthly fee, after which they would "reimburse" the cost of shipping. If I regularly ordered flowers, it might have been worth it, though I think I would have had to order a lot to make it pay for itself. Oh well, the price was about right for what I ordered, ordered any other way, so no real skin off my nose. I thought I would receive a call today, as this is as late as they could be delivered. No call. I hope she got them, I will be highly agitated if she did not, especially with the false advertisement too boot.
My lady friend popped in today. I think she finally understands how bad of a situation I am in. She forgets, sometimes, how bad it can get. She knows what tired is, and it haunts her. She does not understand being crippled by it. When we lived together, she never understood. Now, about 99% of the time, I was able to make her a dinner before work. She had to do shopping some of the time, and more so if she wanted a very specific dish, or set of dishes, for the meal (I bought groceries, generally, but refused to by "organic" foods for every dish, or even most meals). But there were times where my efforts were minimalist (though I think she greatly enjoyed these too). I simply could not engage in a serious (my version) three to five course meal. And, there were times, weeks even months, where that was all I could do. She forgets, easily. It has been a while since it has been like that. The medicine I was taking was working grandly, certainly better than without, and for almost two years. Too bad the new doctor dropped it and I could neither find the same results in private medicine nor afford private medical care.
I know I thought I was getting better before. But this time, I think it is coming around again. Recovery can be slow, I can stumble on that path, but I just feel it approaching. I am not sure if I can do anything to help it. I am trying to drink plenty of water, though eating is difficult as it is complicated by the kitchen problem, my general inability to cook anyway, and finances. Somehow, my bank is saying my checking account is dry. It really should not be. I have been meaning to get in and check that out, but getting out of bed is about as much as I have been able to muster, and then only weakly. Yes, it is a mess. I have had worse, I do think I am getting a bit better, and I am keeping my head about me this time more easily. Ack!
Good night, or good morning as the case may be.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Sleep.
.
.
I am sleeping many hours a day. I have some things I really need to get done, but my exhaustion is out of control. I try to eat as well as I can, I try to remain awake, I watch the temperature in the cave, and whatever else I can think of to help. Nothing is working. Not having a functioning kitchen does not help, though it is not a major factor. The items I purchased are not quite right. I tried to put them in and found that one piece is a problem. I do not believe I saw a piece that would work at the particular hardware store I visited. So, not only do I need to take everything back, I need to find, somewhere, items that will work.
I have tried to call my mother. If nothing else, a familiar voice might be good to hear. And, I am hoping the medicine she has started is helping. Aging is supposed to cause slowing. But it is not supposed to cause crippling and pain along with painful exhaustion. I know the latter, but thankfully and for the most part, that is only occasional and does not include the former choices. She was knowing all of it. I am very hopeful that some or all of that can be eliminated. The slowing she will just have to learn to cope with though.
I seem to be able to be awake, if barely, from during later afternoons and into the evenings. Sometimes I need a nap in there. And, from really early morning until early morning or so. Alarm clocks do not help. Though they wake me enough to come to consciousness (and turn them off), they end up just causing me to sleep longer, ruining the little sleep I can get. What I mean by that is, though I am sleeping a great deal, I am not sleeping well. I never wake rested, I do not sleep deeply, I am simply exhausted and only half asleep or half awake at all times. I am haggard and weak from it. So disturbing that sleep only makes a bad thing worse.
Actually, I think it is time to sleep again. I tried to fight it, but at this time, I have pretty much given up. I sleep, now, when my body demands it. I have worn down to the point where I cannot fight. It reminds me of trying to hold my breath. At some point, after doing it over and over, my ability to fight my urge for air deteriorates to nothing. I will fight now, simply to be allowed to sleep. I have nothing left, for the moment. Though I cannot see it at this point, at least I have a history which lets me know I will, eventually, be able to see, and even in time accesses strength and a life, again.
Good night, or evening, or whatever.
.
I am sleeping many hours a day. I have some things I really need to get done, but my exhaustion is out of control. I try to eat as well as I can, I try to remain awake, I watch the temperature in the cave, and whatever else I can think of to help. Nothing is working. Not having a functioning kitchen does not help, though it is not a major factor. The items I purchased are not quite right. I tried to put them in and found that one piece is a problem. I do not believe I saw a piece that would work at the particular hardware store I visited. So, not only do I need to take everything back, I need to find, somewhere, items that will work.
I have tried to call my mother. If nothing else, a familiar voice might be good to hear. And, I am hoping the medicine she has started is helping. Aging is supposed to cause slowing. But it is not supposed to cause crippling and pain along with painful exhaustion. I know the latter, but thankfully and for the most part, that is only occasional and does not include the former choices. She was knowing all of it. I am very hopeful that some or all of that can be eliminated. The slowing she will just have to learn to cope with though.
I seem to be able to be awake, if barely, from during later afternoons and into the evenings. Sometimes I need a nap in there. And, from really early morning until early morning or so. Alarm clocks do not help. Though they wake me enough to come to consciousness (and turn them off), they end up just causing me to sleep longer, ruining the little sleep I can get. What I mean by that is, though I am sleeping a great deal, I am not sleeping well. I never wake rested, I do not sleep deeply, I am simply exhausted and only half asleep or half awake at all times. I am haggard and weak from it. So disturbing that sleep only makes a bad thing worse.
Actually, I think it is time to sleep again. I tried to fight it, but at this time, I have pretty much given up. I sleep, now, when my body demands it. I have worn down to the point where I cannot fight. It reminds me of trying to hold my breath. At some point, after doing it over and over, my ability to fight my urge for air deteriorates to nothing. I will fight now, simply to be allowed to sleep. I have nothing left, for the moment. Though I cannot see it at this point, at least I have a history which lets me know I will, eventually, be able to see, and even in time accesses strength and a life, again.
Good night, or evening, or whatever.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Exhausted and beat up!
.
.
I am not sure what happened, but not only am I tired, I am absolutely exhausted. I had been sure I was just about to do better. Beyond that, my arms, legs, and torso are sore. I have been in enough fights to know that it feels as if I have been in a fist fight, minus facial bruises. The exhaustion is not mental, this time. It is purely physical. Still, I got the sink drain out, went to the store and found replacements, and got some food earlier. I have set the new sink trap pieces to go back in, but have not done that yet. I really had to sleep. I had thought my exhaustion was mostly psychic in nature, but I realize today, that is not always the case.
I may need more time to move. I have not been able to get things done, time is drawing too short too fast, and I am so tight on money. I need sleep. Perhaps the stress of the move is doing this, perhaps I am just going through something, but I am not on the top of my game, perhaps not even in the game. Drats. I am stuck and I really do not have a way out quickly. Still, I am going to try and get it done anyway. I will just have to see how things are as the month comes to a close.
My sleeping is really messed up too. I cannot sleep at night and I cannot wake up early. Worse, I cannot seem to sleep in longer stretches. My sleep is now segmented in 2 to 4, or 8 to 12 hour stretches. Even if I was tired the last few weeks, I was sleeping regularly. I know there is some connection, but past attempts at using sleeping medication to ameliorate the situation has been thoroughly found to be lacking. Every time I tried, I ended up sleeping far more than is good, even when given something to balance that. Doctors and their use of meds to allow the use of meds to allow the use of… you get the point. Rather than fixing the problem, it seems they would rather skirt the main issues and just offer me a dozen meds that only nibble at a few symptoms that they want tended. Aiming for other than the bull’s eye will never allow a win.
I went to bed at 21:30 or 22:30, but could not stay asleep. I may put the drain back together, sip some more water, and then try again. I am already, at 3:00, becoming exhausted again. Though, I do not think I was quite able to wake up.
Have a good morning. And, never worry. I will figure things out. Besides, it is all in God's hands anyway.
.
I am not sure what happened, but not only am I tired, I am absolutely exhausted. I had been sure I was just about to do better. Beyond that, my arms, legs, and torso are sore. I have been in enough fights to know that it feels as if I have been in a fist fight, minus facial bruises. The exhaustion is not mental, this time. It is purely physical. Still, I got the sink drain out, went to the store and found replacements, and got some food earlier. I have set the new sink trap pieces to go back in, but have not done that yet. I really had to sleep. I had thought my exhaustion was mostly psychic in nature, but I realize today, that is not always the case.
I may need more time to move. I have not been able to get things done, time is drawing too short too fast, and I am so tight on money. I need sleep. Perhaps the stress of the move is doing this, perhaps I am just going through something, but I am not on the top of my game, perhaps not even in the game. Drats. I am stuck and I really do not have a way out quickly. Still, I am going to try and get it done anyway. I will just have to see how things are as the month comes to a close.
My sleeping is really messed up too. I cannot sleep at night and I cannot wake up early. Worse, I cannot seem to sleep in longer stretches. My sleep is now segmented in 2 to 4, or 8 to 12 hour stretches. Even if I was tired the last few weeks, I was sleeping regularly. I know there is some connection, but past attempts at using sleeping medication to ameliorate the situation has been thoroughly found to be lacking. Every time I tried, I ended up sleeping far more than is good, even when given something to balance that. Doctors and their use of meds to allow the use of meds to allow the use of… you get the point. Rather than fixing the problem, it seems they would rather skirt the main issues and just offer me a dozen meds that only nibble at a few symptoms that they want tended. Aiming for other than the bull’s eye will never allow a win.
I went to bed at 21:30 or 22:30, but could not stay asleep. I may put the drain back together, sip some more water, and then try again. I am already, at 3:00, becoming exhausted again. Though, I do not think I was quite able to wake up.
Have a good morning. And, never worry. I will figure things out. Besides, it is all in God's hands anyway.
Monday, May 4, 2009
A few things done, an extra task, and a joke.
.
.
I was slow to wake this morning. The process was accelerated by knocking at the door combined with the doorbell ringing. As it turns out, the neighbor’s mother needed a driver again, today. The trip was much shorter though so I agreed to help. If nothing else, it would put me in functioning form to do some of the shopping I needed to do. After a bit of waking up, a shower, and such, I was ready within a half an hour to forty five minutes. The trip went well. We were hungry, but I did not feel like fast fast food, so I suggested we go to a Mexican (Americanized Mexican) food place. I enjoyed the time and the talk, and I think she enjoyed a little quiet time away from normal stresses, a busy house, and all that jazz. She has asked if I will drive her next week, and I agreed. Though I will have her fill the tank and our meals are our own this time. Yeah, I can be a softy, but not always.
When we returned, I went out and bought some tools. An 18” pipe wrench, a 15” adjustable wrench, and a 16” channel lock are now in my tool kit. If I remember right, I had not had 2, I had 5 or 6 such tools of various sizes. I really despise having things stolen. Especially by someone who is probably going to lose the tools, or mishandle them into ruin. I buy decent tools, I take care of them, and they last forever. I have not cleaned out the trap, yet, but I am geared to do it. I will have to mop the floor, again, and hope it dries and does not flood the floor again before the morning.
Oh, the joke. I received an invitation to apply for the national scholars honor society today. At first, I thought the thing was a complete farce. However, after brooding over the thing for a bit, I decided to check out the internet address offered. Fine, so it is a legitimate seeming address. But it must be a joke. I am not sure who would have played the joke, but it is not funny. Then again, perhaps it is just some sort of scam to get me to offer some money or something. Who knows. But I am still a bit hot about it. I do not like being played like a toy.
I did get some shopping done. I have eaten and completed a few other things. And I am set up for work tomorrow. Plus, I helped someone. I know what it is like to not have access, money, or seemingly friends. And, yes, I do think helping is important. If I cannot help myself, but can help another, I think I have been more successful in the end, within certain constraints. Or, more precisely, helping people does help me. It is not a tit-for-tat hereafter trade thing though. No, how I help myself by helping others is by enriching my humble little life. Soul snack food, if you will, healthy soul snack food.
I should be ready for sleep tonight too. Though I did little, it is more than I have been able to do, driving often tires me, and conversations make me ready to sleep. Eating better, today, also adds to energy for the next day. Plus, with the shopping completed, I am ready to care for my needs better for the next couple of weeks. I even have a few treats for when I do good work, 2 jars of pickled pork feet (boneless meaty chunks of fatty meats!) and a jar of pickled turkey gizzards. A little incentive, in the form of self bribes, does work.
Good night.
.
I was slow to wake this morning. The process was accelerated by knocking at the door combined with the doorbell ringing. As it turns out, the neighbor’s mother needed a driver again, today. The trip was much shorter though so I agreed to help. If nothing else, it would put me in functioning form to do some of the shopping I needed to do. After a bit of waking up, a shower, and such, I was ready within a half an hour to forty five minutes. The trip went well. We were hungry, but I did not feel like fast fast food, so I suggested we go to a Mexican (Americanized Mexican) food place. I enjoyed the time and the talk, and I think she enjoyed a little quiet time away from normal stresses, a busy house, and all that jazz. She has asked if I will drive her next week, and I agreed. Though I will have her fill the tank and our meals are our own this time. Yeah, I can be a softy, but not always.
When we returned, I went out and bought some tools. An 18” pipe wrench, a 15” adjustable wrench, and a 16” channel lock are now in my tool kit. If I remember right, I had not had 2, I had 5 or 6 such tools of various sizes. I really despise having things stolen. Especially by someone who is probably going to lose the tools, or mishandle them into ruin. I buy decent tools, I take care of them, and they last forever. I have not cleaned out the trap, yet, but I am geared to do it. I will have to mop the floor, again, and hope it dries and does not flood the floor again before the morning.
Oh, the joke. I received an invitation to apply for the national scholars honor society today. At first, I thought the thing was a complete farce. However, after brooding over the thing for a bit, I decided to check out the internet address offered. Fine, so it is a legitimate seeming address. But it must be a joke. I am not sure who would have played the joke, but it is not funny. Then again, perhaps it is just some sort of scam to get me to offer some money or something. Who knows. But I am still a bit hot about it. I do not like being played like a toy.
I did get some shopping done. I have eaten and completed a few other things. And I am set up for work tomorrow. Plus, I helped someone. I know what it is like to not have access, money, or seemingly friends. And, yes, I do think helping is important. If I cannot help myself, but can help another, I think I have been more successful in the end, within certain constraints. Or, more precisely, helping people does help me. It is not a tit-for-tat hereafter trade thing though. No, how I help myself by helping others is by enriching my humble little life. Soul snack food, if you will, healthy soul snack food.
I should be ready for sleep tonight too. Though I did little, it is more than I have been able to do, driving often tires me, and conversations make me ready to sleep. Eating better, today, also adds to energy for the next day. Plus, with the shopping completed, I am ready to care for my needs better for the next couple of weeks. I even have a few treats for when I do good work, 2 jars of pickled pork feet (boneless meaty chunks of fatty meats!) and a jar of pickled turkey gizzards. A little incentive, in the form of self bribes, does work.
Good night.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sundays.
.
.
Bit by bit, as I have come to the call of my Maker, I have begun taking on more of His commands. Though I would should worship, my pride, righteousness, or something, for good or ill, has interfered with that. I had been going to Church on Saturdays as it was indicated that the practice was religiously sufficient (though I have heard otherwise since). Now, I am getting the day right but the practice incorrect. And, though I miss worship, I do remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. One day, one project or piece of a project, one command, and in all ways one thing at a time. Now that I am home, I am finding my place within it.
My lady friend visited today. I covered breakfast and lunch. I think she would rather have had me cook something for her, and as time and money are right on edge, I would to have preferred to cook. However, my house is falling down around my ears again. I have not gotten to the plumbing work. Tomorrow and it will be done. That was no help today. Still, I think it worked for her.
She actually asked for air conditioning today, and was sure she could do it herself. Generally, technical things can baffle her. I was happy to see her figure the thing out, it is digital. I merely turned on a light so she could see it better. She went for breakfast then did some of her laundry. But she thought some movies would be good, and I was out of bottled water, so she went out again. Beyond water and movies, she returned with watermelon! If it was not comparable to high summer melons, it was quite a treat. First it was unexpected, secondly it was excellent for such an early melon.
I felt bad about not having my house in order. Though I go through this from time to time, between packing, friends in need, and exhaustion, my kitchen has been out of order for longer than usual. I just cannot catch a breath. However, as I discussed earlier, I think this is changing. Tomorrow, to get started, I will get the pipe wrench as soon as the stores open at about 10:00. This gives me time to wake, shower, and get there without a fuss. Then to use the thing. I was sure I had two pipe wrenches. But after having had a thieving cousin live me for a bit, what I have is what I have. After that, I think I want to clean as energy and time warrants.
I think all business has been tended, on this end. I need to contact the realtor, and other realtors out there, and really begin in earnest to find a place. Hopefully I can find a short term lease or a quarterly lease, though a monthly lease would be preferred barring a short term rental. If I cannot do that, I still have options. I also need to call Pods to assess costs. And, of course, I need to finish packing. I have ¾ of my belongings packed. What remains is more difficult to deal with. Lamps, television, surround sound stereo system, my old computer (I have the boxes for the new one, of course), dishes, and pots and pans are the difficult and last items.
With all of that on my mind, for this day, for the most part, I have let that go. I simply enjoyed the day, remember more so to be thankful of life, relatively easy breath, friends, and family. I am grateful for the gifts of bread, food, some luxuries, a vehichle I trust and like, and a roof over my head. And I cannot forget to be humbly grateful for the sacrifice of God in Christ. To have Jesus, God incarnate, not only as my sovereign but also as my Brother, God as my Father, and the Holy Spirit as my Guide and Communicator, ensures that when I came home, I came home to a real Holy Family. In that Family, I am not just an adherent, but through the Eucharist, I become one with God. How good is that? I think only God knows the depth of that pool, but it is most certainly deep enough for all my needs and wants.
And, it is this, on this day, that I have thought of the most. More prayers than usual, a time for honest rest neither fighting myself to get going nor fighting my environment to get it done, this is a holy day. And, I have enjoyed keeping it as such for the most part. I hope your Sunday brings you rest and a closer walk with God.
Good night. Have a great week.
.
Bit by bit, as I have come to the call of my Maker, I have begun taking on more of His commands. Though I would should worship, my pride, righteousness, or something, for good or ill, has interfered with that. I had been going to Church on Saturdays as it was indicated that the practice was religiously sufficient (though I have heard otherwise since). Now, I am getting the day right but the practice incorrect. And, though I miss worship, I do remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. One day, one project or piece of a project, one command, and in all ways one thing at a time. Now that I am home, I am finding my place within it.
My lady friend visited today. I covered breakfast and lunch. I think she would rather have had me cook something for her, and as time and money are right on edge, I would to have preferred to cook. However, my house is falling down around my ears again. I have not gotten to the plumbing work. Tomorrow and it will be done. That was no help today. Still, I think it worked for her.
She actually asked for air conditioning today, and was sure she could do it herself. Generally, technical things can baffle her. I was happy to see her figure the thing out, it is digital. I merely turned on a light so she could see it better. She went for breakfast then did some of her laundry. But she thought some movies would be good, and I was out of bottled water, so she went out again. Beyond water and movies, she returned with watermelon! If it was not comparable to high summer melons, it was quite a treat. First it was unexpected, secondly it was excellent for such an early melon.
I felt bad about not having my house in order. Though I go through this from time to time, between packing, friends in need, and exhaustion, my kitchen has been out of order for longer than usual. I just cannot catch a breath. However, as I discussed earlier, I think this is changing. Tomorrow, to get started, I will get the pipe wrench as soon as the stores open at about 10:00. This gives me time to wake, shower, and get there without a fuss. Then to use the thing. I was sure I had two pipe wrenches. But after having had a thieving cousin live me for a bit, what I have is what I have. After that, I think I want to clean as energy and time warrants.
I think all business has been tended, on this end. I need to contact the realtor, and other realtors out there, and really begin in earnest to find a place. Hopefully I can find a short term lease or a quarterly lease, though a monthly lease would be preferred barring a short term rental. If I cannot do that, I still have options. I also need to call Pods to assess costs. And, of course, I need to finish packing. I have ¾ of my belongings packed. What remains is more difficult to deal with. Lamps, television, surround sound stereo system, my old computer (I have the boxes for the new one, of course), dishes, and pots and pans are the difficult and last items.
With all of that on my mind, for this day, for the most part, I have let that go. I simply enjoyed the day, remember more so to be thankful of life, relatively easy breath, friends, and family. I am grateful for the gifts of bread, food, some luxuries, a vehichle I trust and like, and a roof over my head. And I cannot forget to be humbly grateful for the sacrifice of God in Christ. To have Jesus, God incarnate, not only as my sovereign but also as my Brother, God as my Father, and the Holy Spirit as my Guide and Communicator, ensures that when I came home, I came home to a real Holy Family. In that Family, I am not just an adherent, but through the Eucharist, I become one with God. How good is that? I think only God knows the depth of that pool, but it is most certainly deep enough for all my needs and wants.
And, it is this, on this day, that I have thought of the most. More prayers than usual, a time for honest rest neither fighting myself to get going nor fighting my environment to get it done, this is a holy day. And, I have enjoyed keeping it as such for the most part. I hope your Sunday brings you rest and a closer walk with God.
Good night. Have a great week.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I know I write and think in ways many do not follow.
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However, I would hope that before I am told that I called “A”, "B", that the reader at least read what I wrote and understand I did not call them “B”. If I group A and B into an group because of the outcome of their works, that is still not calling an A a B. This is not even close to complex. All it takes is slight reading skills, a basic understanding of grammar, and maybe, for the slower, a pen and paper to keep it straight. I would suggest basic algebra is more complex.
Was that confusing? Okay, let me rephrase it. If you are throwing rocks through windows to become better at baseball pitching, for example, and I suggest you are doing similar economic and societal damage as an anarchist who is doing the same thing for the social and economic effect itself, I am still not calling you an anarchist. Am I? So, what is complicated here? Is it that our all American sportsman does not like being called on something, or is it because as a jock he cannot read or understand what he is reading? And, honestly, neither do I know or care to a point (so long as I was clear). I will call something foolish if it is, regardless of the response.
On the good side, at least I was allowed to say something. I believe I was fair in what I said (always debatable, of course). And I did receive some fair and some unfair responses. Some of the response was personal, protective. Some of it was along the lines of paragraph two in this post. Will I still read and post there? Of course, if allowed. However, I have noted that if a particular ill is being discussed as a positive, even if there seems to be an opening for debate about it, it is probably not a genuine invitation. They are merely, like much of the left, only looking for encouragement. There are good writings there, there is occasional wisdom, there is some support of healthy social norms, and… there is that other.
A bit of advice, however, if you cannot take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you cannot handle the weight, do not pick up the box. If your stance is weak, do not ask for debate. And if you want to show off bling, make sure you are in the right neighborhood. Perhaps even, if you read in the starlight, do not expect to understand what you are reading.
Though I was a bit angry, I have pretty much gotten over it. I thought I was pretty straight forward, I did not see my comments as attacks. I say things straight out, give my points, and end it. I accept being rebuffed, but I expect it to be fair and honest. And, if I sense I am being attacked, told I am wrong, and then told more debate is not welcome, yeah, I can get hot. I think that is fair. Well, at least it was something different. But, no, that is not what I am after or what I seek.
As well, I know, even friends must go through these things. I cannot say everyone I read and everyone who reads and comments here is a friend. But, for my part, that is how I see my side of it. I cannot offer much, but my shirt, sure. My opinions, thoughts, and prayers, yes. And, from what I have seen from most of you, that is just as true for you. Heck, if you happened to be going through and I had some notice, I would probably try to feed you. So, I guess and again, for my part, you are friends. And, we must have our spats. As a fact, I do not agree with my friends and family on this side of the screen often. But, yeah, I love them, even, maybe more, the ones who are hard to handle.
Oh, I think I might be finding a way back to a state of existence where I might be able to begin working again Monday. I do not know how it is sorting out, but I feel there is a good hope of that. My mind and body are still at odds, my consciousness is disconnected, and my sleeping is a bit off, but I am seeing a parting of the clouds and the connection between flesh spirit and mind growing again. I wish I knew how to simply create that, or do it, or manipulate whatever mechanism enables function. As is, I will simply use what I can when it is available, and be thankful for that. Oddly, I am usually able to write well enough, should I think of it. If only writing had some, value, societal honor, or worth that was not considered selfish. At least the type of writing I do.
.
However, I would hope that before I am told that I called “A”, "B", that the reader at least read what I wrote and understand I did not call them “B”. If I group A and B into an group because of the outcome of their works, that is still not calling an A a B. This is not even close to complex. All it takes is slight reading skills, a basic understanding of grammar, and maybe, for the slower, a pen and paper to keep it straight. I would suggest basic algebra is more complex.
Was that confusing? Okay, let me rephrase it. If you are throwing rocks through windows to become better at baseball pitching, for example, and I suggest you are doing similar economic and societal damage as an anarchist who is doing the same thing for the social and economic effect itself, I am still not calling you an anarchist. Am I? So, what is complicated here? Is it that our all American sportsman does not like being called on something, or is it because as a jock he cannot read or understand what he is reading? And, honestly, neither do I know or care to a point (so long as I was clear). I will call something foolish if it is, regardless of the response.
On the good side, at least I was allowed to say something. I believe I was fair in what I said (always debatable, of course). And I did receive some fair and some unfair responses. Some of the response was personal, protective. Some of it was along the lines of paragraph two in this post. Will I still read and post there? Of course, if allowed. However, I have noted that if a particular ill is being discussed as a positive, even if there seems to be an opening for debate about it, it is probably not a genuine invitation. They are merely, like much of the left, only looking for encouragement. There are good writings there, there is occasional wisdom, there is some support of healthy social norms, and… there is that other.
A bit of advice, however, if you cannot take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you cannot handle the weight, do not pick up the box. If your stance is weak, do not ask for debate. And if you want to show off bling, make sure you are in the right neighborhood. Perhaps even, if you read in the starlight, do not expect to understand what you are reading.
Though I was a bit angry, I have pretty much gotten over it. I thought I was pretty straight forward, I did not see my comments as attacks. I say things straight out, give my points, and end it. I accept being rebuffed, but I expect it to be fair and honest. And, if I sense I am being attacked, told I am wrong, and then told more debate is not welcome, yeah, I can get hot. I think that is fair. Well, at least it was something different. But, no, that is not what I am after or what I seek.
As well, I know, even friends must go through these things. I cannot say everyone I read and everyone who reads and comments here is a friend. But, for my part, that is how I see my side of it. I cannot offer much, but my shirt, sure. My opinions, thoughts, and prayers, yes. And, from what I have seen from most of you, that is just as true for you. Heck, if you happened to be going through and I had some notice, I would probably try to feed you. So, I guess and again, for my part, you are friends. And, we must have our spats. As a fact, I do not agree with my friends and family on this side of the screen often. But, yeah, I love them, even, maybe more, the ones who are hard to handle.
Oh, I think I might be finding a way back to a state of existence where I might be able to begin working again Monday. I do not know how it is sorting out, but I feel there is a good hope of that. My mind and body are still at odds, my consciousness is disconnected, and my sleeping is a bit off, but I am seeing a parting of the clouds and the connection between flesh spirit and mind growing again. I wish I knew how to simply create that, or do it, or manipulate whatever mechanism enables function. As is, I will simply use what I can when it is available, and be thankful for that. Oddly, I am usually able to write well enough, should I think of it. If only writing had some, value, societal honor, or worth that was not considered selfish. At least the type of writing I do.
Breast enhancement a conservative notion?
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Recently, a topic flared regarding Miss America, or Miss California, or both, suggesting marriage should be between one man and woman. Feminist and gay activists immediately attacked her. First, and obviously, for her moral conviction, then for breast augmentation. And, yes, I understand that the attacks should be rebuffed and ignored because of the reason they exist, but should the breast enlargement just be added in as a good and a “personal choice” issue as well? I thought anti-abortion sentiments regarded personal choice as not such a good thing (no worries, I see the difference, logically, that one choice involves more than just the woman and the other does not, however, they both have more involvement than initial appearances might exemplify).
So, when did breast enlargement become a thing conservatives advocate, support, and back? Not only does it send the message that small breasted women are not good enough, it also interferes with breast feeding. The last I heard, it most likely ends the possibility of breast feeding in many if not most cases. Further, it honestly does objectify women. Though I think feminists have hijacked this notion, there is a real notion under their communist and socialist based fictional pseudo notion of this topic. Women are under great stress to be something they are not, whether it be that they need to be equal to men, prettier and smarter than other woman, or whatever.
I covered this at a blog, one I thought was both conservative and Catholic. I was strongly rebuffed. Beyond, the blog master indicated that he would not post some things about some issues. I was surprised he included my second comment arguing against someone's notion that breast augmentation was like dental care, both being cosmetic. I stated that breast enhancement has no comparison with teeth straightening. Now, he did post that, but he then called me shrill and wrong. So, I left it there and came here to post, being sure he would not allow another comment. As I said there, either the I am so far out of the loop with modern politics, or the conservatives have supplanted liberals and there is no real difference, except appearances, now (the cheerleader versus the goober leftist), or he and they are extremely off key in this.
Perhaps there is no difference. With Palan, a feminist, considered the next queen of the “right”, with McCain the best my old party could come up with, and with people who have a traditional schism with the party being set up as party leadership, I realize the problem. I have rejected the party, I have backed away from my local worship community, I will be moving from this state, and I would suggest my interest or involvement with politics is over. I guess the world has moved on. Fair enough, I guess I have too.
Let them eat virtuosity.
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.
Recently, a topic flared regarding Miss America, or Miss California, or both, suggesting marriage should be between one man and woman. Feminist and gay activists immediately attacked her. First, and obviously, for her moral conviction, then for breast augmentation. And, yes, I understand that the attacks should be rebuffed and ignored because of the reason they exist, but should the breast enlargement just be added in as a good and a “personal choice” issue as well? I thought anti-abortion sentiments regarded personal choice as not such a good thing (no worries, I see the difference, logically, that one choice involves more than just the woman and the other does not, however, they both have more involvement than initial appearances might exemplify).
So, when did breast enlargement become a thing conservatives advocate, support, and back? Not only does it send the message that small breasted women are not good enough, it also interferes with breast feeding. The last I heard, it most likely ends the possibility of breast feeding in many if not most cases. Further, it honestly does objectify women. Though I think feminists have hijacked this notion, there is a real notion under their communist and socialist based fictional pseudo notion of this topic. Women are under great stress to be something they are not, whether it be that they need to be equal to men, prettier and smarter than other woman, or whatever.
I covered this at a blog, one I thought was both conservative and Catholic. I was strongly rebuffed. Beyond, the blog master indicated that he would not post some things about some issues. I was surprised he included my second comment arguing against someone's notion that breast augmentation was like dental care, both being cosmetic. I stated that breast enhancement has no comparison with teeth straightening. Now, he did post that, but he then called me shrill and wrong. So, I left it there and came here to post, being sure he would not allow another comment. As I said there, either the I am so far out of the loop with modern politics, or the conservatives have supplanted liberals and there is no real difference, except appearances, now (the cheerleader versus the goober leftist), or he and they are extremely off key in this.
Perhaps there is no difference. With Palan, a feminist, considered the next queen of the “right”, with McCain the best my old party could come up with, and with people who have a traditional schism with the party being set up as party leadership, I realize the problem. I have rejected the party, I have backed away from my local worship community, I will be moving from this state, and I would suggest my interest or involvement with politics is over. I guess the world has moved on. Fair enough, I guess I have too.
Let them eat virtuosity.
Interesting…
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For all of the intellectual honesty claimed by many of those I read, my posts are not welcome. More so, my posts are not allowed. I could name names, I am pretty sure they do not visit. As such, I think I will need to dump some of them. Though I think they are interesting, I disagree often, though without what I believe to be more than a simple agreement to disagree.
Do I write long comments? Sure. Am I Catholic and try to implement that? You bet. Do I disagree when I see a difference? You bet. But do I also give a pat on the back when we see eye to eye? Yes. So, why, among these people who claim intellectual honesty and faith in what they put forward not post my (mostly non-offensive) posts? Because it threatens their weak side. Because they cannot handle real differences.
And, yes, I have published things from people I do not wish to post (after a review of their blogs or posts). The only people not allowed here are people who post max posts without saying anything (I’ve had some very odd max posts that I just had to dump, especially when they duplicate the stupid posts), people who try to sell or redirect to some other place on the net for no particular reason or for commercial reasons (including a few shady “Catholics”).
Is it frustrating? Yes. What is wrong with questioning or confirming? I know I write a large block of text, but it is nowhere near max and it makes some sense. I think I am rather simple in my writing and intent. I either agree, and explain why; or I disagree and expound on that. Quips are for the weak and simple. At least I have some people who, generally, post what I have to say. I know some of these see me as a simpleton, a kind fool, or just another. Yet they go ahead and post my words.
Oh well, some people are what they are. And, yeah, I suppose, if I were younger and weaker, I would block posts I could not answer or posts from those who did not fit in my world view. Now, I post them and tackle the situation. Some times I may seem too harsh. I can think of a recent issue where someone suggested my symptoms seemed like depression to them. I did not mean to attack them (and do not think I did, mostly). I read their blog, and was a little angry (my bad). But more, after having tried every old and new anti-depression drug during my first 12 years of illness to no good effect, I had anger from that too. More, I was angry at the suggestion. I was not truly angry at the messenger. As a fact, I had hoped he (or she) would offer more. Okay, fine, I still feel bad about that. Oh bother, I think I ought to go to their blog or send a message of some sort. I believe their effort was an attempt at good. Bother!
Well, that is what I feel and I thought I should put it out. I will be changing my links, soon, very soon. I think. Damn but being crippled is a pain. And I cannot sleep tonight. So...
Update:
Wow, I went ahead and dumped some blogs. I also added a few. I kept some, in spite of the fact that they ignore my posts. At least they post them if they and theirs ignore anything I say. I suppose turning the back on what you feel is evil is fine. That does not mean I have necessarily given up on them. I see something in them that might be worthy or that they might turn to rightness or even merely that I think they are fine as is, even if they do not think the same. You know who you are but you likely do not read here so it does not really matter.
.
For all of the intellectual honesty claimed by many of those I read, my posts are not welcome. More so, my posts are not allowed. I could name names, I am pretty sure they do not visit. As such, I think I will need to dump some of them. Though I think they are interesting, I disagree often, though without what I believe to be more than a simple agreement to disagree.
Do I write long comments? Sure. Am I Catholic and try to implement that? You bet. Do I disagree when I see a difference? You bet. But do I also give a pat on the back when we see eye to eye? Yes. So, why, among these people who claim intellectual honesty and faith in what they put forward not post my (mostly non-offensive) posts? Because it threatens their weak side. Because they cannot handle real differences.
And, yes, I have published things from people I do not wish to post (after a review of their blogs or posts). The only people not allowed here are people who post max posts without saying anything (I’ve had some very odd max posts that I just had to dump, especially when they duplicate the stupid posts), people who try to sell or redirect to some other place on the net for no particular reason or for commercial reasons (including a few shady “Catholics”).
Is it frustrating? Yes. What is wrong with questioning or confirming? I know I write a large block of text, but it is nowhere near max and it makes some sense. I think I am rather simple in my writing and intent. I either agree, and explain why; or I disagree and expound on that. Quips are for the weak and simple. At least I have some people who, generally, post what I have to say. I know some of these see me as a simpleton, a kind fool, or just another. Yet they go ahead and post my words.
Oh well, some people are what they are. And, yeah, I suppose, if I were younger and weaker, I would block posts I could not answer or posts from those who did not fit in my world view. Now, I post them and tackle the situation. Some times I may seem too harsh. I can think of a recent issue where someone suggested my symptoms seemed like depression to them. I did not mean to attack them (and do not think I did, mostly). I read their blog, and was a little angry (my bad). But more, after having tried every old and new anti-depression drug during my first 12 years of illness to no good effect, I had anger from that too. More, I was angry at the suggestion. I was not truly angry at the messenger. As a fact, I had hoped he (or she) would offer more. Okay, fine, I still feel bad about that. Oh bother, I think I ought to go to their blog or send a message of some sort. I believe their effort was an attempt at good. Bother!
Well, that is what I feel and I thought I should put it out. I will be changing my links, soon, very soon. I think. Damn but being crippled is a pain. And I cannot sleep tonight. So...
Update:
Wow, I went ahead and dumped some blogs. I also added a few. I kept some, in spite of the fact that they ignore my posts. At least they post them if they and theirs ignore anything I say. I suppose turning the back on what you feel is evil is fine. That does not mean I have necessarily given up on them. I see something in them that might be worthy or that they might turn to rightness or even merely that I think they are fine as is, even if they do not think the same. You know who you are but you likely do not read here so it does not really matter.
Friday, May 1, 2009
I really cannot understand.
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My exhaustion is something I cannot understand. If someone had told me about this before I suffered from it, I would have thought they were fibbing, or out and out making it up. This and I am only moderately exhausted in my range, at this point. Though I am able to do very little, I can stay up most of the day with a 2 hour nap thrown in. At the illnesses worst, I feel like I am in a device that combines sleep with a drying machine. I cannot track days, people, ideas, at times I do not even know my own name, literally. There are other significant symptoms, most doctors are simply not interested or are baffled, and see no links between them.
Anti-depressants do not work, nor have any of the medicines they have tried. Therapy for this has not worked. Nor did therapy work with my previously suicidal traits, in part because a significant aspect of that was due to a conscious decision and involved logic, as I have suggested. I am sure it is a physical problem, and now I have some evidence. I cannot afford a solid diagnostician, and, with a "medical" history as is, I suspect they would maintain the status quo rather than really look. I could go to the V.A., and if I have something easily diagnosed and treated, I will go there. But for deeper diagnostics, I think they fail.
This is so frustrating. And though I experienced medicine that was working, when it was pulled away, I did seek it out on my own nickel. I could not recreate the medical effect, so perhaps the medicine had stopped working anyway, or was fading, or I needed a very specific chemical reaction. I would bet a thousand dollars that if I were 20, and could keep completely away from psychiatry and psychology, I would be able to find a doctor and a treatment. I think I have already been set aside. Once you get a psychiatric diagnosis (in spite of depression and a few other things like it being a huge and normal response to other real illnesses) you cannot get away from it.
If you have a child, brother, sister, very good friend, or parent, keep psychiatrists and psychologists out of their treatment and diagnosis process. If doctors know nothing, most of these know less. Generally, they are only even allowed to obtain a degree if they are “liberal”, which is proof their ability to think logically is flawed. Beyond that, I would guess their diagnosis and treatment of conservatives is further flawed, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.
In any case, I have what I have and I am what I am. Further, I am not sure I could escape the way things have been for the last 20 years in any case. Getting up every day, at a certain time, and then going out and working for 8 to 12 hours, figuring out how to eat before, during, and after, tending house hold chores, shopping, and such, and for no more than I am making now. I worked very hard toward that goal, and even on the meds which worked, it was difficult (if I then and now believed that another year and a half and I might have broken through, though, who really knows).
Life is so frustrating when I am this exhausted. But having a deadline makes it much worse. At least I am well taken care of, financially. I do not worry about being able to afford food, if I do go without sometimes because I cannot get out to get it. And, if I cannot sit around and figure out high level new topics, or even more mundane topics to a mastery level, I can think on a basic level, and write. And, yes, that helps. Hmm, at least I have done something today. Now to try and stay up until 22:00 or 23:00. Hey, it is as good as I can do, for now.
Have a good evening.
.
My exhaustion is something I cannot understand. If someone had told me about this before I suffered from it, I would have thought they were fibbing, or out and out making it up. This and I am only moderately exhausted in my range, at this point. Though I am able to do very little, I can stay up most of the day with a 2 hour nap thrown in. At the illnesses worst, I feel like I am in a device that combines sleep with a drying machine. I cannot track days, people, ideas, at times I do not even know my own name, literally. There are other significant symptoms, most doctors are simply not interested or are baffled, and see no links between them.
Anti-depressants do not work, nor have any of the medicines they have tried. Therapy for this has not worked. Nor did therapy work with my previously suicidal traits, in part because a significant aspect of that was due to a conscious decision and involved logic, as I have suggested. I am sure it is a physical problem, and now I have some evidence. I cannot afford a solid diagnostician, and, with a "medical" history as is, I suspect they would maintain the status quo rather than really look. I could go to the V.A., and if I have something easily diagnosed and treated, I will go there. But for deeper diagnostics, I think they fail.
This is so frustrating. And though I experienced medicine that was working, when it was pulled away, I did seek it out on my own nickel. I could not recreate the medical effect, so perhaps the medicine had stopped working anyway, or was fading, or I needed a very specific chemical reaction. I would bet a thousand dollars that if I were 20, and could keep completely away from psychiatry and psychology, I would be able to find a doctor and a treatment. I think I have already been set aside. Once you get a psychiatric diagnosis (in spite of depression and a few other things like it being a huge and normal response to other real illnesses) you cannot get away from it.
If you have a child, brother, sister, very good friend, or parent, keep psychiatrists and psychologists out of their treatment and diagnosis process. If doctors know nothing, most of these know less. Generally, they are only even allowed to obtain a degree if they are “liberal”, which is proof their ability to think logically is flawed. Beyond that, I would guess their diagnosis and treatment of conservatives is further flawed, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.
In any case, I have what I have and I am what I am. Further, I am not sure I could escape the way things have been for the last 20 years in any case. Getting up every day, at a certain time, and then going out and working for 8 to 12 hours, figuring out how to eat before, during, and after, tending house hold chores, shopping, and such, and for no more than I am making now. I worked very hard toward that goal, and even on the meds which worked, it was difficult (if I then and now believed that another year and a half and I might have broken through, though, who really knows).
Life is so frustrating when I am this exhausted. But having a deadline makes it much worse. At least I am well taken care of, financially. I do not worry about being able to afford food, if I do go without sometimes because I cannot get out to get it. And, if I cannot sit around and figure out high level new topics, or even more mundane topics to a mastery level, I can think on a basic level, and write. And, yes, that helps. Hmm, at least I have done something today. Now to try and stay up until 22:00 or 23:00. Hey, it is as good as I can do, for now.
Have a good evening.
Naps…
.
.
I am back on schedule, but I need a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. As well, I have no energy to get to work. I did make a payment on my vehicle, and made sure all bills are being paid. A bit at a time, I do what I can. I am not sure how this will work, and I still have not found a place to move yet. I have one month, now, exactly. Yeah, I am nervous. Like I said, if I thought shoving a needle through my hand would wake me up and get me going, I would do it.
I am reading blogs, in my downtime, a little more frequently. I keep seeing how beat up the Republican party is. I see how leaders of my former party try to show a front, while including the reasons I left it. McCain is not a welcome part of it. They just do not understand that the tent is too big. I do believe if they could find politicians who followed the small government, more even sharing of power between federal government, state government, and us, and lower taxes all around, they would do a lot better. Is the party leadership honestly saying it cannot do that? They just do not get it, and I think that is a choice, a poor one. Republicans no longer stand for anything but a big tent. Multiculturalism has destroyed it.
Then again, out here, I see lots of fighting for the soul of conservativism. Now, to some degree, I think there needs to be vigorous debate. But, there cannot be camps going off on their own because of minor issues and poor leadership. Forgetting who the real enemy is will be fatal, at this point. We need real leadership from the bottom, up. We need the soldiers to learn to follow centurians, we need centurians to find a way to agree or at least work with each other, and choose the next level, and so on up to generals and a final general. Without this work, conservativism will take the drubbing we have been taking for far too long.
I wonder, however, if between the weakness of the boomers and the poison milk they fed their children that perhaps no such capacity exists today. Perhaps the nation is so me-centric that it’s citizens cannot get past it. That will leave those who choose the chaos of me-ism to win. They do not have to like each other, and they do not. All they have to do is what they want, eat their own, deprive the weakend offense to them, and that is it. It is a form of modernist barbarism, socialism and communism that is. It is a social suicide because of the obvious idiocy of it and it’s adherents. It is an ugly thing to see beginning to fully come into affect. What is worse, there is no place to flee. If we cannot kill the dragon here, it will control here as it does everywhere else already.
Well, back to doing nothing. Perhaps I can at least get a pipe wrench this afternoon, if I can gather enough energy, clean up, and get going. Arghhhh! Ack! And two or other such grumbles and gripes.
Have a good day. Never mind me. I seem to be like a falling cat, landing on my feet even if that might hurt. It is better than the options.
.
I am back on schedule, but I need a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. As well, I have no energy to get to work. I did make a payment on my vehicle, and made sure all bills are being paid. A bit at a time, I do what I can. I am not sure how this will work, and I still have not found a place to move yet. I have one month, now, exactly. Yeah, I am nervous. Like I said, if I thought shoving a needle through my hand would wake me up and get me going, I would do it.
I am reading blogs, in my downtime, a little more frequently. I keep seeing how beat up the Republican party is. I see how leaders of my former party try to show a front, while including the reasons I left it. McCain is not a welcome part of it. They just do not understand that the tent is too big. I do believe if they could find politicians who followed the small government, more even sharing of power between federal government, state government, and us, and lower taxes all around, they would do a lot better. Is the party leadership honestly saying it cannot do that? They just do not get it, and I think that is a choice, a poor one. Republicans no longer stand for anything but a big tent. Multiculturalism has destroyed it.
Then again, out here, I see lots of fighting for the soul of conservativism. Now, to some degree, I think there needs to be vigorous debate. But, there cannot be camps going off on their own because of minor issues and poor leadership. Forgetting who the real enemy is will be fatal, at this point. We need real leadership from the bottom, up. We need the soldiers to learn to follow centurians, we need centurians to find a way to agree or at least work with each other, and choose the next level, and so on up to generals and a final general. Without this work, conservativism will take the drubbing we have been taking for far too long.
I wonder, however, if between the weakness of the boomers and the poison milk they fed their children that perhaps no such capacity exists today. Perhaps the nation is so me-centric that it’s citizens cannot get past it. That will leave those who choose the chaos of me-ism to win. They do not have to like each other, and they do not. All they have to do is what they want, eat their own, deprive the weakend offense to them, and that is it. It is a form of modernist barbarism, socialism and communism that is. It is a social suicide because of the obvious idiocy of it and it’s adherents. It is an ugly thing to see beginning to fully come into affect. What is worse, there is no place to flee. If we cannot kill the dragon here, it will control here as it does everywhere else already.
Well, back to doing nothing. Perhaps I can at least get a pipe wrench this afternoon, if I can gather enough energy, clean up, and get going. Arghhhh! Ack! And two or other such grumbles and gripes.
Have a good day. Never mind me. I seem to be like a falling cat, landing on my feet even if that might hurt. It is better than the options.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Something else on my mind.
.
.
For some odd reason, in these last months leading up to my move, I keep meeting “interested” women. Oh, that is fine. But to be honest, these women remind me more of why I am leaving far more than offering me a reason to stay. And I certainly would not be interested in taking any of them with me. Some of them have been attractive, but in vetting them further, I see huge problems.
The last one indicated that she is not only not Catholic, she is not religious, and nearly laughed at the notion. And, after hearing about recent relationships, it shows. She seems attracted to me, strongly I would say. But she does not seem to understand that a woman with no faith has nothing to offer. Without some association with a set of rules and morality above her own whims, she is untrustworthy. She wants to do whatever she wants to do, whenever, and with whomever she chooses. She is her own woman. As such, she is not God’s, and therefore, cannot be mine. She judges her past lovers harshly, but does not understand that if she does what she wants, he will too. She cannot have a faithful man if she is not a faithful woman.
I see this over and over with women. They want to be nasty and yet be loved purely. They want to be vile and have a virtuous man. They want to be shrill and yet be pampered. That is not how it works nor how it has ever worked. I have never bothered to mention this, I do not think they would understand. Being without God is very much like leaving your father’s house. Once you are beyond his protection, you are prey. That leads these women to themselves become predatory. Those who seek good women see this almost immediately and back off immediately. I no more encourage these women than I play with wild bears.
I certainly hope there are women of faith, marriageable and fertile, and understanding of the duties and requirements under Catholic marital notions. I have some great doubts, being the state of the nation and the world, even some significant parts of the Church, really. Still, I look. Never doubt, however, that I will see right through evil queens. Let them enjoy their dramas, their affairs, their acceptance of their animal nature, but let them have the men they so richly deserve. Funny that, in this world of egalitarian modernist scientific rule but that women are the butt of society and their claws and sharp tongue grants them nothing but sorrow and emptiness. The she bear, in the wild as in the city, is always at the mercy of the he bears. So much for the feminist mystique.
.
.
For some odd reason, in these last months leading up to my move, I keep meeting “interested” women. Oh, that is fine. But to be honest, these women remind me more of why I am leaving far more than offering me a reason to stay. And I certainly would not be interested in taking any of them with me. Some of them have been attractive, but in vetting them further, I see huge problems.
The last one indicated that she is not only not Catholic, she is not religious, and nearly laughed at the notion. And, after hearing about recent relationships, it shows. She seems attracted to me, strongly I would say. But she does not seem to understand that a woman with no faith has nothing to offer. Without some association with a set of rules and morality above her own whims, she is untrustworthy. She wants to do whatever she wants to do, whenever, and with whomever she chooses. She is her own woman. As such, she is not God’s, and therefore, cannot be mine. She judges her past lovers harshly, but does not understand that if she does what she wants, he will too. She cannot have a faithful man if she is not a faithful woman.
I see this over and over with women. They want to be nasty and yet be loved purely. They want to be vile and have a virtuous man. They want to be shrill and yet be pampered. That is not how it works nor how it has ever worked. I have never bothered to mention this, I do not think they would understand. Being without God is very much like leaving your father’s house. Once you are beyond his protection, you are prey. That leads these women to themselves become predatory. Those who seek good women see this almost immediately and back off immediately. I no more encourage these women than I play with wild bears.
I certainly hope there are women of faith, marriageable and fertile, and understanding of the duties and requirements under Catholic marital notions. I have some great doubts, being the state of the nation and the world, even some significant parts of the Church, really. Still, I look. Never doubt, however, that I will see right through evil queens. Let them enjoy their dramas, their affairs, their acceptance of their animal nature, but let them have the men they so richly deserve. Funny that, in this world of egalitarian modernist scientific rule but that women are the butt of society and their claws and sharp tongue grants them nothing but sorrow and emptiness. The she bear, in the wild as in the city, is always at the mercy of the he bears. So much for the feminist mystique.
Back on schedule.
.
.
I was worried about sleeping and waking, whether I could get back into the day and night routine again. Often I cannot get back to it once I have slipped. Last night I was in bed and asleep before 23:00 and this morning, I flopped out of bed by 8:30 or so. All is good there, so far, and better than I expected. Now, to wake up and get going on some things.
I checked my tools, I do not have a pipe wrench which fits the sink plumbing. I am tight on money, but I may just have to buy one. I am hoping I will find myself calling about the computer today as well. I am not sure who to call, but I can figure that out with minimal effort is my guess. One thing I have noted, regardless of the seller, once an item is purchased, the seller, manufacturer, and everyone else involved all of a sudden knows nothing and wants nothing to do with what they just sold. I will have to see if this is true here, or more, to what degree and how to get around that. Trust? Cynicism? Are you kidding or ignorant?
I am not sure what I can get done today, I just know I have to do what I can. I can count on no one and really, I should not count on anyone. This is my task. No one I know favors my move. If I want it, I will simply have to do it. Lord knows I want out of this state as soon as possible. The way I see it, this state is trying to catch up with California. It may have passed it. To be honest, those I love from this state are probably not on their way to heaven. No matter how much I pray, what I do, what I say, or how I say it, unless they bow they are lost.
I think the sink and the computer are primary targets. Not because packing is less important, but because these things weigh on my mind heavily. That weight seems to cause problems in all other areas until it is tended. Yes, stress of certain natures is a major issue with my health. Though the sink problem has further implications in both cooking food (health) and cleanliness (stress). There may be a few other things I can get done, though I realize I am quite weak and very tired. Maybe tending these things will help with that, maybe not. I may simply be in a physical rut I will have to try and push through.
So, Arlen Specter finally became honest eh? I hope his happy ride to hell is worth it. I wish this had happened soon enough that Bush would not have helped his re-election. Though, I am not sure enough about Bush that he would not have helped anyway. They are peas in a pod. Then again, everyone in political office is that way these days. The political process has been hijacked by leftists and it is not about to change. I am not sure what can actually be done about it but I am pretty sure it is not going to be fun either way. All things, including good things, must end.
Well, I best get to figuring some of my list out. I really want to go back to bed but I know that is not the way. So, it is either get busy or begin what will be a long fall. Hmm, should you not also be getting busy? :p
.
I was worried about sleeping and waking, whether I could get back into the day and night routine again. Often I cannot get back to it once I have slipped. Last night I was in bed and asleep before 23:00 and this morning, I flopped out of bed by 8:30 or so. All is good there, so far, and better than I expected. Now, to wake up and get going on some things.
I checked my tools, I do not have a pipe wrench which fits the sink plumbing. I am tight on money, but I may just have to buy one. I am hoping I will find myself calling about the computer today as well. I am not sure who to call, but I can figure that out with minimal effort is my guess. One thing I have noted, regardless of the seller, once an item is purchased, the seller, manufacturer, and everyone else involved all of a sudden knows nothing and wants nothing to do with what they just sold. I will have to see if this is true here, or more, to what degree and how to get around that. Trust? Cynicism? Are you kidding or ignorant?
I am not sure what I can get done today, I just know I have to do what I can. I can count on no one and really, I should not count on anyone. This is my task. No one I know favors my move. If I want it, I will simply have to do it. Lord knows I want out of this state as soon as possible. The way I see it, this state is trying to catch up with California. It may have passed it. To be honest, those I love from this state are probably not on their way to heaven. No matter how much I pray, what I do, what I say, or how I say it, unless they bow they are lost.
I think the sink and the computer are primary targets. Not because packing is less important, but because these things weigh on my mind heavily. That weight seems to cause problems in all other areas until it is tended. Yes, stress of certain natures is a major issue with my health. Though the sink problem has further implications in both cooking food (health) and cleanliness (stress). There may be a few other things I can get done, though I realize I am quite weak and very tired. Maybe tending these things will help with that, maybe not. I may simply be in a physical rut I will have to try and push through.
So, Arlen Specter finally became honest eh? I hope his happy ride to hell is worth it. I wish this had happened soon enough that Bush would not have helped his re-election. Though, I am not sure enough about Bush that he would not have helped anyway. They are peas in a pod. Then again, everyone in political office is that way these days. The political process has been hijacked by leftists and it is not about to change. I am not sure what can actually be done about it but I am pretty sure it is not going to be fun either way. All things, including good things, must end.
Well, I best get to figuring some of my list out. I really want to go back to bed but I know that is not the way. So, it is either get busy or begin what will be a long fall. Hmm, should you not also be getting busy? :p
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Exhaustion.
.
.
I needed the rest, but it seems I need more rest. I cannot get things going again. I will have to figure out how to do that, I do not have enough time to mess with this. Then again, if it were a choice it would not be a problem. I suppose the best I can do is try to take care of myself as well as I am able, eating and sleeping as well as I can and taking care of stresses as quickly as possible. It stinks being crippled. Prayer, of course, is always useful. If nothing else, it helps me to live with the realities that exist.
My lady friend seems to be in trouble at work. The tale is complicated, but comes down to a pair of customers who were trying to get an item for free, claiming it was mislabeled (the store policy is that if a product is mislabeled, it is free… as I said, the product was not mislabeled). The truth is, it was not mislabeled. Further, the pair had been “goofing around” in the women’s bathroom and my friend had called them on that. Another woman, an employee, had entered the facilities only to be confronted by the activity and to be frightened out. The female of the group filed a complaint saying my lady friend was not nice. Just a few days ago, another complaint was filed (most likely by one of that pair or by one of their friends). My friend has been reassigned, very negatively. I think, after working at a place for 10 years, and with the type of people filing the complaints, the management would know the situation. Then again, perhaps they are looking at cutting back and this is a convenient way. She is at risk.
I do not know what to say. I cannot deal with my problems. I certainly cannot help her, especially with the financial bind she seems to insist on being in. Sometimes I think she seeks problems, sometimes I just think she is cursed. I would wager it is a bit of both. She is better than some women I know, though. Some women seem to seek the worst friends, situations, health conditions, and whatever other drama they can pile on their plate, and then look around for sympathy, live off of that, and still flounder in life. At least my lady friend is not that bad. Further, I think she was right in her response, for the most part, to creeps. Sadly, in this world, creeps often win.
I think I have completed securing my system as well as I am able. I have some worry about blogs, I wonder how easy it is to put something in blogs which would get onto even a protected system. I am not sure how to secure my system properly, and security set up by the “pro’s” is only marginally better. I am having some problems with my system locking up. I need to get on that, but… I am so tired that talking and thinking are difficult. I think the problem lies with programs (many of which are junkware) trying to update or upgrade through my router, software, or both. It is very frustrating. In time, I suppose, I will figure it out.
It is about bed time. I have not been going to bed rightly the last two days, nor getting up early of course. I would like try to get back to that pattern, I think it helps. And, I had best figure out some other things. My sink is clogged with paraffin wax, another problem that really gums up the works, adds to stress, and ends up preventing me from getting on with other things and important things (like cooking and cleaning). *sigh*
Good night. I hope your lives are a bit less problematic.
.
I needed the rest, but it seems I need more rest. I cannot get things going again. I will have to figure out how to do that, I do not have enough time to mess with this. Then again, if it were a choice it would not be a problem. I suppose the best I can do is try to take care of myself as well as I am able, eating and sleeping as well as I can and taking care of stresses as quickly as possible. It stinks being crippled. Prayer, of course, is always useful. If nothing else, it helps me to live with the realities that exist.
My lady friend seems to be in trouble at work. The tale is complicated, but comes down to a pair of customers who were trying to get an item for free, claiming it was mislabeled (the store policy is that if a product is mislabeled, it is free… as I said, the product was not mislabeled). The truth is, it was not mislabeled. Further, the pair had been “goofing around” in the women’s bathroom and my friend had called them on that. Another woman, an employee, had entered the facilities only to be confronted by the activity and to be frightened out. The female of the group filed a complaint saying my lady friend was not nice. Just a few days ago, another complaint was filed (most likely by one of that pair or by one of their friends). My friend has been reassigned, very negatively. I think, after working at a place for 10 years, and with the type of people filing the complaints, the management would know the situation. Then again, perhaps they are looking at cutting back and this is a convenient way. She is at risk.
I do not know what to say. I cannot deal with my problems. I certainly cannot help her, especially with the financial bind she seems to insist on being in. Sometimes I think she seeks problems, sometimes I just think she is cursed. I would wager it is a bit of both. She is better than some women I know, though. Some women seem to seek the worst friends, situations, health conditions, and whatever other drama they can pile on their plate, and then look around for sympathy, live off of that, and still flounder in life. At least my lady friend is not that bad. Further, I think she was right in her response, for the most part, to creeps. Sadly, in this world, creeps often win.
I think I have completed securing my system as well as I am able. I have some worry about blogs, I wonder how easy it is to put something in blogs which would get onto even a protected system. I am not sure how to secure my system properly, and security set up by the “pro’s” is only marginally better. I am having some problems with my system locking up. I need to get on that, but… I am so tired that talking and thinking are difficult. I think the problem lies with programs (many of which are junkware) trying to update or upgrade through my router, software, or both. It is very frustrating. In time, I suppose, I will figure it out.
It is about bed time. I have not been going to bed rightly the last two days, nor getting up early of course. I would like try to get back to that pattern, I think it helps. And, I had best figure out some other things. My sink is clogged with paraffin wax, another problem that really gums up the works, adds to stress, and ends up preventing me from getting on with other things and important things (like cooking and cleaning). *sigh*
Good night. I hope your lives are a bit less problematic.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Suicide.
.
.
This is a very misunderstood topic, I think. Psychologists think it is just bad thinking come to a conclusion, something that can be arrested, and often they do not believe it is a choice a sane person would make. While some of that may be true, and for some people, for others that is not the case. In today’s economy, suicide has happened, and will continue to happen. I think these types of cases may be mitigated, though and again, not all of them.
For me, suicide in the time were it was an option, was not negotiable. I tried three different methods over a period of five years, at least two of them really should have worked. Each attempt was more serious, regardless of psychiatric “help”. As I said on her blog, the greatest help offered by psychiatry was that as I was getting away from the notions and knew my impulses were not controllable, I could find refuge from myself in certain places. Away from the methods of death, I am sure my life has been extended. For my case, my situation is not temporary. Being disabled and the function of that disability both drove the impulse. Going from functional to permanently exhausted and trying to fight against the exhaustion left me completely bare of defense against that. Without religion or strong family ties, along with that last, I was naked and alone in the cold brutal dark. My attempts at suicide were brave, in their way. Though I did not really wish to die, I wished less, much less, to be a burden and a cripple. I knew, or was pretty sure, this “thing” was not recoverable. Pride, poverty, and the loss of a future led to the decision. Once the decision was made, it carried a momentum that at times was greater than my choice of life. Even when I was beginning to accept life again, the momentum toward death carried me past my recently changed but weak acceptance of life.
As for men who have fallen from social and economic grace, I think the thing depends on whether they can do one of two things. The first hope is that they may learn to live more humbly, as I have. The last chance, and most likely impossibility, is that they find a way to regain some level of status. Family, friends, and society in general, can play a part. These last are the straw that can break the camel’s back, or not, though, and no more. It is up to the individual conscientiously up to a very small bit once the impetus is upon them. Psychiatry may try to be of assistance, but it cannot, in the end, help. At it’s best, it can only delay. I guess, here as in medicine, I think the healing is self made. Doctors merely play some odd role in a means of assisting the patient to find a way to healing. A doctor does not and cannot heal. A psychiatrist cannot heal. A man can heal, maybe.
Though I think there are places for psychiatry, as with medicine. A broken arm can be set and repaired more easily, surely, and safely by someone who has been taught and experienced such acts. And, psychiatry has helped me profoundly in dealing with trauma. But really, that was more to do with having someone who could hear terrible things without themselves becoming traumatized (?). Most of the therapy that worked involved just having someone who could hear terrible things, be able to accept quietly, and to ask a question or two now and again. That is what family and friends are for, yet to use them for this on certain things is to burden them beyond their capacity, to poison them. Further, that was only available once I decided to try and live.
Some people, without God, want to think they can do things on their own. Those who say they know God yet fail when they are not in power never knew God. It is similar, in a smaller way, with family. These people think they, or other professionals, can solve anything. Doctors, psychiatrists, lawyers, or others can fix any problem, along with our hero, or so he thinks. The truth is, professions are a façade. The weak know this, some of them (us) were not always weak. Wise women know this, they know they are vulnerable and incapable of being secure in themselves. And, good leaders understand they are most important when they do as little or less than is required (they will and do mess things up if they are active).
How do we save these men of pride then? We do not, we cannot. We can only pray that they see the value of life before they lose all their chance at hope. We honestly cannot do anything. I know, the first time, and second time, even the third time, I was being cared for until I changed my direction, while I was in hospitals, I was merely resting up to brave another go at death… and to figure out how. Heck, I found some really good ideas about how to do it in there. Although, if a wife is married to one of these men, she knows he is otherwise a good man, and she is a good woman, then she will eat her fears and only show him love and a surety that it was not his wealth, power, or glory that she married, but him as a good man. She might keep from being the final straw. Otherwise, let her shrill him to his finality… so long as she has her next keeper in the bag. Keepers, of that sort, are becoming extinct and that loss is not slowing. And, understand, even a good wife might become a widow.
Enough of the darkness… Bring on the dancing women! Bah! I quit all that silliness. Hmm, maybe a beer, a sleep, and a day of work tomorrow will have to do. Good night.
.
This is a very misunderstood topic, I think. Psychologists think it is just bad thinking come to a conclusion, something that can be arrested, and often they do not believe it is a choice a sane person would make. While some of that may be true, and for some people, for others that is not the case. In today’s economy, suicide has happened, and will continue to happen. I think these types of cases may be mitigated, though and again, not all of them.
For me, suicide in the time were it was an option, was not negotiable. I tried three different methods over a period of five years, at least two of them really should have worked. Each attempt was more serious, regardless of psychiatric “help”. As I said on her blog, the greatest help offered by psychiatry was that as I was getting away from the notions and knew my impulses were not controllable, I could find refuge from myself in certain places. Away from the methods of death, I am sure my life has been extended. For my case, my situation is not temporary. Being disabled and the function of that disability both drove the impulse. Going from functional to permanently exhausted and trying to fight against the exhaustion left me completely bare of defense against that. Without religion or strong family ties, along with that last, I was naked and alone in the cold brutal dark. My attempts at suicide were brave, in their way. Though I did not really wish to die, I wished less, much less, to be a burden and a cripple. I knew, or was pretty sure, this “thing” was not recoverable. Pride, poverty, and the loss of a future led to the decision. Once the decision was made, it carried a momentum that at times was greater than my choice of life. Even when I was beginning to accept life again, the momentum toward death carried me past my recently changed but weak acceptance of life.
As for men who have fallen from social and economic grace, I think the thing depends on whether they can do one of two things. The first hope is that they may learn to live more humbly, as I have. The last chance, and most likely impossibility, is that they find a way to regain some level of status. Family, friends, and society in general, can play a part. These last are the straw that can break the camel’s back, or not, though, and no more. It is up to the individual conscientiously up to a very small bit once the impetus is upon them. Psychiatry may try to be of assistance, but it cannot, in the end, help. At it’s best, it can only delay. I guess, here as in medicine, I think the healing is self made. Doctors merely play some odd role in a means of assisting the patient to find a way to healing. A doctor does not and cannot heal. A psychiatrist cannot heal. A man can heal, maybe.
Though I think there are places for psychiatry, as with medicine. A broken arm can be set and repaired more easily, surely, and safely by someone who has been taught and experienced such acts. And, psychiatry has helped me profoundly in dealing with trauma. But really, that was more to do with having someone who could hear terrible things without themselves becoming traumatized (?). Most of the therapy that worked involved just having someone who could hear terrible things, be able to accept quietly, and to ask a question or two now and again. That is what family and friends are for, yet to use them for this on certain things is to burden them beyond their capacity, to poison them. Further, that was only available once I decided to try and live.
Some people, without God, want to think they can do things on their own. Those who say they know God yet fail when they are not in power never knew God. It is similar, in a smaller way, with family. These people think they, or other professionals, can solve anything. Doctors, psychiatrists, lawyers, or others can fix any problem, along with our hero, or so he thinks. The truth is, professions are a façade. The weak know this, some of them (us) were not always weak. Wise women know this, they know they are vulnerable and incapable of being secure in themselves. And, good leaders understand they are most important when they do as little or less than is required (they will and do mess things up if they are active).
How do we save these men of pride then? We do not, we cannot. We can only pray that they see the value of life before they lose all their chance at hope. We honestly cannot do anything. I know, the first time, and second time, even the third time, I was being cared for until I changed my direction, while I was in hospitals, I was merely resting up to brave another go at death… and to figure out how. Heck, I found some really good ideas about how to do it in there. Although, if a wife is married to one of these men, she knows he is otherwise a good man, and she is a good woman, then she will eat her fears and only show him love and a surety that it was not his wealth, power, or glory that she married, but him as a good man. She might keep from being the final straw. Otherwise, let her shrill him to his finality… so long as she has her next keeper in the bag. Keepers, of that sort, are becoming extinct and that loss is not slowing. And, understand, even a good wife might become a widow.
Enough of the darkness… Bring on the dancing women! Bah! I quit all that silliness. Hmm, maybe a beer, a sleep, and a day of work tomorrow will have to do. Good night.
Some thoughts...
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I was reading one of my regular blogs. I again read a particular post. Usually, I post and leave. Sometimes I just read the other comments. And rarely I do both. Very rarely, I begin a comment thread with one or more other fellow commenters. In this case, initially, I merely posted a comment and ignored the rest. However, curiosity got the best of me so I started to read the comments. One stuck out. I am not sure if it was in response, or partially so, to my comment. Either way, I thought I would expand on that here.
The post regarded a woman who had given her husband a gift of sex every night for a year. The blogger wondered what we thought of the gift. As for me, I thought it was the greatest of gifts, as it is personal, intimate, and sacrificial in some sense. I should add that I really think a wife should offer herself to her husband selflessly anyway, but I was going along with the understanding that I live in a secular feminized world as a given. The other commenter indicated that the confusion with intimacy was silly, or something as such. So, I decided to cover that a bit.
First, I did not indicate that this was intimacy. Though, for a man, that is intimacy given that intimacy has many levels. What women think depends on the woman, even then it might continue to the day, season, time of day, what her girlfriends think, what her horoscope says, etc. Go figure. Beyond, if standard marital relations may be considered less intimate in these days where girls begin this before they leave their family home, let alone marry, and men get when the getting is good, to me, an old fashioned and retreating (from modernism) man, it is still quite intimate. Further, what creates intimacy other than being intimate? If love, or a fashion of it, can be simply being with someone every day and being accepted in the person’s presence, why would not an intimate act lead to intimacy itself? Of course, I could be wrong.
Oh, I know. I would probably never find a wife who believes as I do unless I became Amish or found and old school tradition place still untouched by modernism. It is so odd. At one time, women seemed to have prized such things. At their behest, men were required to do so by laws. The frequency depended upon his job (therefore his time at his home). For example, a teacher might be required to be with his wife several times a week since he traveled and such, yet a common worker who was home was required to offer his wife this love every night. Things have changed. Now, it is a chore. More work Americans do not want to do? Never worry, I am sure if I fall into some woman’s arms, we will figure things out.
I just made a very good lunch. It was a complete experiment. I had an Iowa chop (really thick cut chop) thawed. And yet, I had lamb on my mind. I started wondering if mint, thyme, and tarragon would do well on a medium chop. Then, I pondered maple syrup added to that. I must admit, it was very good! And more, it was not so small as lamb chops. The bad thing about being large is that traditional dishes seem so very small. I did, after a bite or three, decided that a little salt would finish the dish well, and it did. I would guess only adding salt after it is cooked is best. That was a taste treat!
I keep seeing things which cause me to think about the world, life, common and uncommon questions, and my contemporaries. I do not have answers, necessarily, but I seem to keep finding others who do. And, in truth, the answers are not from them. I keep running into God in my path for answers. Yep, I think I am on the right path. Beyond, put on the spot, my answers seem to be heading that way as well. For example, when I consider marriage, or matrimony (roughly translated from two words meaning mother and duty I think), I also find that man is to be to the family as God is to us. That the family is as close as we can get to knowing God’s love on earth (priests and nuns are holy fathers, sisters, and mothers, so they easily fit in that as well, and in a way, much more perfectly). As God has been set aside, so has the family. As women seek themselves they lose their worth. Is the family perfect? Is life perfect? The answer to both is, no, but they are better than the options.
Well, I had better get to work. I have had a long easy weekend. I really do have to do a few minor tasks and begin considering my week, tasks, business, and such. I think I have all but one of my computer situations covered, and that remaining problem has been treated as well as I may treat it at this time. I need to find a place to move, and soon. Still so much to do and so little time. And there are still a great deal of practical problems I do not know how to handle. This, too, I will leave in God’s hands, if I will be using my own hands and mind as well.
Have a great day.
.
I was reading one of my regular blogs. I again read a particular post. Usually, I post and leave. Sometimes I just read the other comments. And rarely I do both. Very rarely, I begin a comment thread with one or more other fellow commenters. In this case, initially, I merely posted a comment and ignored the rest. However, curiosity got the best of me so I started to read the comments. One stuck out. I am not sure if it was in response, or partially so, to my comment. Either way, I thought I would expand on that here.
The post regarded a woman who had given her husband a gift of sex every night for a year. The blogger wondered what we thought of the gift. As for me, I thought it was the greatest of gifts, as it is personal, intimate, and sacrificial in some sense. I should add that I really think a wife should offer herself to her husband selflessly anyway, but I was going along with the understanding that I live in a secular feminized world as a given. The other commenter indicated that the confusion with intimacy was silly, or something as such. So, I decided to cover that a bit.
First, I did not indicate that this was intimacy. Though, for a man, that is intimacy given that intimacy has many levels. What women think depends on the woman, even then it might continue to the day, season, time of day, what her girlfriends think, what her horoscope says, etc. Go figure. Beyond, if standard marital relations may be considered less intimate in these days where girls begin this before they leave their family home, let alone marry, and men get when the getting is good, to me, an old fashioned and retreating (from modernism) man, it is still quite intimate. Further, what creates intimacy other than being intimate? If love, or a fashion of it, can be simply being with someone every day and being accepted in the person’s presence, why would not an intimate act lead to intimacy itself? Of course, I could be wrong.
Oh, I know. I would probably never find a wife who believes as I do unless I became Amish or found and old school tradition place still untouched by modernism. It is so odd. At one time, women seemed to have prized such things. At their behest, men were required to do so by laws. The frequency depended upon his job (therefore his time at his home). For example, a teacher might be required to be with his wife several times a week since he traveled and such, yet a common worker who was home was required to offer his wife this love every night. Things have changed. Now, it is a chore. More work Americans do not want to do? Never worry, I am sure if I fall into some woman’s arms, we will figure things out.
I just made a very good lunch. It was a complete experiment. I had an Iowa chop (really thick cut chop) thawed. And yet, I had lamb on my mind. I started wondering if mint, thyme, and tarragon would do well on a medium chop. Then, I pondered maple syrup added to that. I must admit, it was very good! And more, it was not so small as lamb chops. The bad thing about being large is that traditional dishes seem so very small. I did, after a bite or three, decided that a little salt would finish the dish well, and it did. I would guess only adding salt after it is cooked is best. That was a taste treat!
I keep seeing things which cause me to think about the world, life, common and uncommon questions, and my contemporaries. I do not have answers, necessarily, but I seem to keep finding others who do. And, in truth, the answers are not from them. I keep running into God in my path for answers. Yep, I think I am on the right path. Beyond, put on the spot, my answers seem to be heading that way as well. For example, when I consider marriage, or matrimony (roughly translated from two words meaning mother and duty I think), I also find that man is to be to the family as God is to us. That the family is as close as we can get to knowing God’s love on earth (priests and nuns are holy fathers, sisters, and mothers, so they easily fit in that as well, and in a way, much more perfectly). As God has been set aside, so has the family. As women seek themselves they lose their worth. Is the family perfect? Is life perfect? The answer to both is, no, but they are better than the options.
Well, I had better get to work. I have had a long easy weekend. I really do have to do a few minor tasks and begin considering my week, tasks, business, and such. I think I have all but one of my computer situations covered, and that remaining problem has been treated as well as I may treat it at this time. I need to find a place to move, and soon. Still so much to do and so little time. And there are still a great deal of practical problems I do not know how to handle. This, too, I will leave in God’s hands, if I will be using my own hands and mind as well.
Have a great day.
A good few days.
.
.
Though little was done, my house is cleaner and I am rested. My mother, in her way, allowed me to rest. She, as well, rested. Still, in her resting she did more than what I was able to do all week. I felt so guilty about not having things set well for her visit. She released that and we just enjoyed a quiet, restful time together. We argued very little, just the normal things. And, when I would get wrapped up in politics, this, or that, she would just let me ramble a bit then quietly change the subject. We both needed rest, food, and quiet company. And, we got it.
Her visit to the doctor was very successful, if too it wore her out and made her sore. The good news is she has a severe case of arthritis, which is imminently treatable! She will have a better life, and with a little care, some medication, and an understanding that she is not 20 (difficult for that woman to slow down!), she will do well. I know I had prayed for her, but I think God had been with her in any case. Still, it is good to know she will not need to suffer and become much less able over a short time.
The house is cleaner. As I said, in her rest, she does a great deal of work. I have put most of the new computer together. The printer remains unattached, as do the speakers. I am beginning to secure my accounts, games, and such. The first thing arranged on the machine was the router and security software. As well, with my understanding of things, my downloads will be scoured and only even initiated if necessary. Still, I know anyone online is at risk.
Bit by bit, it is all coming together. There is still so much to do and so little time. I am up late, tonight, as I was trying to get the computer working, my email function (there are still a few difficulties), and setting up some software which I prefer. I lost track of time and now I am very tired. Good! Being tired will allow me to sleep and soon.
My mother, seeing that I was still up at 2:00, decided to have some coffee, pack up, and leave early. She does have things to do. But I know that it is hurting her that I will be leaving. She feels abandoned, alone, and afraid. I wish I could offer her more than comforting words, but Iowa is a lost cause as a state, and I need to tend my soul for the last of my life. This is not my place. She has a place here, my lady friend has a place her, but I do not. I know I will be as alone as they are, maybe more so. I am more ready for that than they are. Such is the way of things, it always has been.
If I have a bit of a heavy heart at their sadness, I am feeling better in most ways and life is again good. Security of machine, restfulness of body, and the hope of a more sure social order in a state that seems to have some grip on rightness left to it’s people. I feel some sadness for them, and for something else. I cannot say for sure, but I think there is something far sadder on the horizon. Is it the end of free men, is it the loss of life in that struggle, or is it that time is coming to a close? I cannot say. Never fear though, sadness, even the great ones, are a part of what we are here to know. The spice of it will go in with the other good and bad sensations, the successes and the failures, and all the people I have known loved warred with and such. All these things not only teach me, but add to a depth and strength I will need, here or there, now or later.
If bitter, too, it is sweet. And yes, for sorrow also, I give no small thanks.
I apologize for rambling, I have had a long day and I have been awake too long to boot.
Good night. Or, is it good morning already?
.
Though little was done, my house is cleaner and I am rested. My mother, in her way, allowed me to rest. She, as well, rested. Still, in her resting she did more than what I was able to do all week. I felt so guilty about not having things set well for her visit. She released that and we just enjoyed a quiet, restful time together. We argued very little, just the normal things. And, when I would get wrapped up in politics, this, or that, she would just let me ramble a bit then quietly change the subject. We both needed rest, food, and quiet company. And, we got it.
Her visit to the doctor was very successful, if too it wore her out and made her sore. The good news is she has a severe case of arthritis, which is imminently treatable! She will have a better life, and with a little care, some medication, and an understanding that she is not 20 (difficult for that woman to slow down!), she will do well. I know I had prayed for her, but I think God had been with her in any case. Still, it is good to know she will not need to suffer and become much less able over a short time.
The house is cleaner. As I said, in her rest, she does a great deal of work. I have put most of the new computer together. The printer remains unattached, as do the speakers. I am beginning to secure my accounts, games, and such. The first thing arranged on the machine was the router and security software. As well, with my understanding of things, my downloads will be scoured and only even initiated if necessary. Still, I know anyone online is at risk.
Bit by bit, it is all coming together. There is still so much to do and so little time. I am up late, tonight, as I was trying to get the computer working, my email function (there are still a few difficulties), and setting up some software which I prefer. I lost track of time and now I am very tired. Good! Being tired will allow me to sleep and soon.
My mother, seeing that I was still up at 2:00, decided to have some coffee, pack up, and leave early. She does have things to do. But I know that it is hurting her that I will be leaving. She feels abandoned, alone, and afraid. I wish I could offer her more than comforting words, but Iowa is a lost cause as a state, and I need to tend my soul for the last of my life. This is not my place. She has a place here, my lady friend has a place her, but I do not. I know I will be as alone as they are, maybe more so. I am more ready for that than they are. Such is the way of things, it always has been.
If I have a bit of a heavy heart at their sadness, I am feeling better in most ways and life is again good. Security of machine, restfulness of body, and the hope of a more sure social order in a state that seems to have some grip on rightness left to it’s people. I feel some sadness for them, and for something else. I cannot say for sure, but I think there is something far sadder on the horizon. Is it the end of free men, is it the loss of life in that struggle, or is it that time is coming to a close? I cannot say. Never fear though, sadness, even the great ones, are a part of what we are here to know. The spice of it will go in with the other good and bad sensations, the successes and the failures, and all the people I have known loved warred with and such. All these things not only teach me, but add to a depth and strength I will need, here or there, now or later.
If bitter, too, it is sweet. And yes, for sorrow also, I give no small thanks.
I apologize for rambling, I have had a long day and I have been awake too long to boot.
Good night. Or, is it good morning already?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thanksgiving.
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When I talk about thanksgiving, most people think Thanksgiving Day. Sometimes I expand and share my thoughts, sometimes I leave it there. The truth is, as often as I remember to do so, I give thanks. Thanksgiving is not a day on which I should enjoy turkey, cranberry sauce, potatoes, and other such foods with family, friends, or even strangers. Thanksgiving is an every day event, like Christmas, Easter, and the others. It is not that I still draw breath, it is not that I know freedom, it is not even that I have people who love me and a God who loves me more than any one else can. When I wake up, I mean to remember it. When I go to sleep, I mean to remember it. Actually, any time I pray, I mean to remember that as a component. I am very grateful. My life has become much better when I saw through to that too.
I am ill. I am not able to enjoy life as I would, I am not able to get an education to my capacity in order to work, and I cannot work even at a lesser post. Something is wrong, I live in a world of exhaustion. And, I have great shame for this. I see people struggle to wake up, go to work or school, raise their families, create relationships and deal with those, and do works to better the lives of those around them. I know they are tired at the end of the day, and perhaps at any given point, but I see to that they are able to continue. I know some must wonder about me. I know I wonder… and doubt. Sometimes I do well, so I cannot understand why I cannot always work hard. I enjoy working hard, physically or mentally, when I can. I like to figure things out, expand my knowledge, or build something. Then I realize, even when something comes up that most would think of (and I certainly think of) as fun, I may still be unavailable to do it. Then I know, I am ill.
I am alone. I am not able to get out and go. I enjoy people’s company, mostly. Even those I do not ‘like’, I can enjoy, if we can agree to set aside our differences and just explore each other’s life stories, the memories fond and sad, or such. I like to see people, and more, to hear about new things in their lives and changes to come, and then to grow to know them through the tails, trials, joys, and monotony. Over time, they become family. But, I am locked into my little world. Leaving to participate is very difficult, if nigh onto impossible at times. A sleeping man cannot go, a man so tired he cannot remember the date or think to find what day and month it is will not remember to go visiting, a guy who cannot be sure when he will be awake, night or day, cannot be sure of plans. I lose friends to that, and, I understand.
I can be grumpy. I like things a certain way and I have high expectations. I expect a great deal from myself, when I am able, even when I am not. And I pass that expectation to others in a lesser way, if even that is rather draconian. Hard work, if it fails to meet an end, is a waste. Good thinking which misses a point and therefore fails to fulfill it’s concomitant effort and sacrifice of other projects and wants and sometimes needs, is useless if it fails to solve a problem or educate. And, a good deed meant as such at the outset, done rightly, yet failing to end in a good result, is not a good deed after all. I see this for myself and for others. And when I see failure, I do not like it. Often others see this as a judgment on them, rather than on their works which have failed. Or upon the lack of reason for their positions, in which I despise evil ways regardless of the intent, if I still love the person. Some people have inextricably tied themselves to their works or thoughts and cannot accept criticism. And, I suppose, with those who cannot carry through to the end, perhaps it is personal. Though I fail often, I am also able to carry through as flawlessly as men are able when I am able to function. And, no, that is not enough to satisfy my standards as it is not repeatable over extended periods of time. I have had to learn to get beyond that, to a degree. And yet, I cannot quite leave my intent to do right and expect others to do the same. Yes, grumpy, exacting, demanding.
So, why be thankful? I am broken, alone, with higher standards than what I can meet, and more. I am thankful that God has called me, and that I finally bowed. I understand now, most of the time, that if I cannot do my will, I can still succeed at being a good man and doing the right things at a slower pace and just for goodness’ sake. I know I am loved here and there. And, I do have a purpose. If my purpose is merely to be humble and to being giving and sharing as I am able, that can be enough. I am thankful, every day, several times a day when I remember and sometimes when I cannot see it. Why others see thanksgiving as a day for turkey, friends, and football I can only wonder. Life is an amazing gift; it is a way to learn about love, each other, and God; it is a miracle of thought, sensation, and discernment; and it is a chance at eternal life within the realm of understanding with the Essence of Love. Imagine if you could win the lottery simply by believing. Now realize, the lottery is as of nothing compared to what you may have. There is no chance in it, there is no doubt, and the faith that allows gratefulness enhances the gift more so. May you find life something rich which allows you to be ultimately and finally gratefull.
Enjoy your Sunday.
.
When I talk about thanksgiving, most people think Thanksgiving Day. Sometimes I expand and share my thoughts, sometimes I leave it there. The truth is, as often as I remember to do so, I give thanks. Thanksgiving is not a day on which I should enjoy turkey, cranberry sauce, potatoes, and other such foods with family, friends, or even strangers. Thanksgiving is an every day event, like Christmas, Easter, and the others. It is not that I still draw breath, it is not that I know freedom, it is not even that I have people who love me and a God who loves me more than any one else can. When I wake up, I mean to remember it. When I go to sleep, I mean to remember it. Actually, any time I pray, I mean to remember that as a component. I am very grateful. My life has become much better when I saw through to that too.
I am ill. I am not able to enjoy life as I would, I am not able to get an education to my capacity in order to work, and I cannot work even at a lesser post. Something is wrong, I live in a world of exhaustion. And, I have great shame for this. I see people struggle to wake up, go to work or school, raise their families, create relationships and deal with those, and do works to better the lives of those around them. I know they are tired at the end of the day, and perhaps at any given point, but I see to that they are able to continue. I know some must wonder about me. I know I wonder… and doubt. Sometimes I do well, so I cannot understand why I cannot always work hard. I enjoy working hard, physically or mentally, when I can. I like to figure things out, expand my knowledge, or build something. Then I realize, even when something comes up that most would think of (and I certainly think of) as fun, I may still be unavailable to do it. Then I know, I am ill.
I am alone. I am not able to get out and go. I enjoy people’s company, mostly. Even those I do not ‘like’, I can enjoy, if we can agree to set aside our differences and just explore each other’s life stories, the memories fond and sad, or such. I like to see people, and more, to hear about new things in their lives and changes to come, and then to grow to know them through the tails, trials, joys, and monotony. Over time, they become family. But, I am locked into my little world. Leaving to participate is very difficult, if nigh onto impossible at times. A sleeping man cannot go, a man so tired he cannot remember the date or think to find what day and month it is will not remember to go visiting, a guy who cannot be sure when he will be awake, night or day, cannot be sure of plans. I lose friends to that, and, I understand.
I can be grumpy. I like things a certain way and I have high expectations. I expect a great deal from myself, when I am able, even when I am not. And I pass that expectation to others in a lesser way, if even that is rather draconian. Hard work, if it fails to meet an end, is a waste. Good thinking which misses a point and therefore fails to fulfill it’s concomitant effort and sacrifice of other projects and wants and sometimes needs, is useless if it fails to solve a problem or educate. And, a good deed meant as such at the outset, done rightly, yet failing to end in a good result, is not a good deed after all. I see this for myself and for others. And when I see failure, I do not like it. Often others see this as a judgment on them, rather than on their works which have failed. Or upon the lack of reason for their positions, in which I despise evil ways regardless of the intent, if I still love the person. Some people have inextricably tied themselves to their works or thoughts and cannot accept criticism. And, I suppose, with those who cannot carry through to the end, perhaps it is personal. Though I fail often, I am also able to carry through as flawlessly as men are able when I am able to function. And, no, that is not enough to satisfy my standards as it is not repeatable over extended periods of time. I have had to learn to get beyond that, to a degree. And yet, I cannot quite leave my intent to do right and expect others to do the same. Yes, grumpy, exacting, demanding.
So, why be thankful? I am broken, alone, with higher standards than what I can meet, and more. I am thankful that God has called me, and that I finally bowed. I understand now, most of the time, that if I cannot do my will, I can still succeed at being a good man and doing the right things at a slower pace and just for goodness’ sake. I know I am loved here and there. And, I do have a purpose. If my purpose is merely to be humble and to being giving and sharing as I am able, that can be enough. I am thankful, every day, several times a day when I remember and sometimes when I cannot see it. Why others see thanksgiving as a day for turkey, friends, and football I can only wonder. Life is an amazing gift; it is a way to learn about love, each other, and God; it is a miracle of thought, sensation, and discernment; and it is a chance at eternal life within the realm of understanding with the Essence of Love. Imagine if you could win the lottery simply by believing. Now realize, the lottery is as of nothing compared to what you may have. There is no chance in it, there is no doubt, and the faith that allows gratefulness enhances the gift more so. May you find life something rich which allows you to be ultimately and finally gratefull.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Another busy day.
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.
My lady friend did show up, as I said. And though I did clean the kitchen a bit, and we produced the items and split them up, she then stayed until just about when my Mom arrived. Unlike her, I use my air conditioning. She has one, but refuses to use it to cool her place. I am quite frustrated with that, her behavior was boorish. She asked to do something that could have been done at any time, she asked me to driver her to do something which I thought was going to be a simple in and out but ended up being a 3 hour event, then she just lazed around in my cool house instead of going home and using her own air conditioning (which I bought her when we were together anyway). This will not happen again. I was simply too tired to fuss with it today. She could have helped me clean, and she should have or she should have left. Liberals…
My mother arrived and she looks good. The cave, of course, is messy. I apologized profusely. At least she liked the bedroom. She was quite tired, and rather pleasant about things. Instead of cooking since neither of us was up to it, and she did not even wish to go out for a meal, so we ordered pizza. It was a hit with her! There is a fine pizza place or two here, my favorite is very good and they deliver. It is expensive, but that has it’s own benefit… I do not order often. The meats are excellent, the cheeses are very good quality, and herbs are fresh or very good dried. As well, I never get heartburn from eating their pies. I do think she was impressed with it. My old regular type favorite was God Fathers’ pizza. There is no comparison, GF’s pizza, though good, was very greasy.
I spoke with the neighbors. Father and sons are going on a minor camping trip tonight. The wife looked like she was embroiled in some kind of general party, children’s birthday party perhaps, and neighborly association their other neighbors. They were out and about as my mother arrived, so I decided to test the waters, or at least say hello.
I think I will go ahead and go to the gun show tomorrow. I have always wanted to see one, here in Iowa, before they are outlawed. Even if the feds cannot get that through, this state will, it’s leaders have lost their collective minds, as liberals do. Though money is extremely tight at this time, if I can find large rifle and pistol primers, I will buy a couple of bricks of each. The rest of the components are relatively available. Of course, that is assuming I can find primers even there. Frustrating, but that is what happens when communists invade, more so from the inside.
I think my Mom will be sleeping in, and I will be as well. It has been a busy few weeks. And though I have a lot left to do, a bit of a break is needed. So much left to do and time is clicking away quickly. I am almost certain I will use Pods, unless they are impossibly expensive. And, packing and unpacking everything 4 times sounds far too brutal. I have enough stuff to fill a small house, easily. The heaviest items are weights, but there is a bed, two couches, several bookcases, two tables, and 6 oak kitchen chairs. I will have to pack well, which means I will have to hope to find someone who knows how to pack for the least amount of breakage. Being disabled does not help. Then again, there are many who are far worse off.
Good night.
.
My lady friend did show up, as I said. And though I did clean the kitchen a bit, and we produced the items and split them up, she then stayed until just about when my Mom arrived. Unlike her, I use my air conditioning. She has one, but refuses to use it to cool her place. I am quite frustrated with that, her behavior was boorish. She asked to do something that could have been done at any time, she asked me to driver her to do something which I thought was going to be a simple in and out but ended up being a 3 hour event, then she just lazed around in my cool house instead of going home and using her own air conditioning (which I bought her when we were together anyway). This will not happen again. I was simply too tired to fuss with it today. She could have helped me clean, and she should have or she should have left. Liberals…
My mother arrived and she looks good. The cave, of course, is messy. I apologized profusely. At least she liked the bedroom. She was quite tired, and rather pleasant about things. Instead of cooking since neither of us was up to it, and she did not even wish to go out for a meal, so we ordered pizza. It was a hit with her! There is a fine pizza place or two here, my favorite is very good and they deliver. It is expensive, but that has it’s own benefit… I do not order often. The meats are excellent, the cheeses are very good quality, and herbs are fresh or very good dried. As well, I never get heartburn from eating their pies. I do think she was impressed with it. My old regular type favorite was God Fathers’ pizza. There is no comparison, GF’s pizza, though good, was very greasy.
I spoke with the neighbors. Father and sons are going on a minor camping trip tonight. The wife looked like she was embroiled in some kind of general party, children’s birthday party perhaps, and neighborly association their other neighbors. They were out and about as my mother arrived, so I decided to test the waters, or at least say hello.
I think I will go ahead and go to the gun show tomorrow. I have always wanted to see one, here in Iowa, before they are outlawed. Even if the feds cannot get that through, this state will, it’s leaders have lost their collective minds, as liberals do. Though money is extremely tight at this time, if I can find large rifle and pistol primers, I will buy a couple of bricks of each. The rest of the components are relatively available. Of course, that is assuming I can find primers even there. Frustrating, but that is what happens when communists invade, more so from the inside.
I think my Mom will be sleeping in, and I will be as well. It has been a busy few weeks. And though I have a lot left to do, a bit of a break is needed. So much left to do and time is clicking away quickly. I am almost certain I will use Pods, unless they are impossibly expensive. And, packing and unpacking everything 4 times sounds far too brutal. I have enough stuff to fill a small house, easily. The heaviest items are weights, but there is a bed, two couches, several bookcases, two tables, and 6 oak kitchen chairs. I will have to pack well, which means I will have to hope to find someone who knows how to pack for the least amount of breakage. Being disabled does not help. Then again, there are many who are far worse off.
Good night.
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