.
.
The chicken was finished and refrigerated last night, along with enough fluid to use in the cooking. I am not sure if the chicken was cool enough to take off the bone last night, but by the time it was even cool enough to put away, it was too late to stay up later doing the task in any case. I am looking forward to getting that done later this day. I have one pan soaking, one that I will need, but everything else should be set.
The weather here has become powerful. The heat indexed with humidity is supposed to total to a feel of 100 F. Drinking lots of water, eating little, and such are recommended, along with great care in even going outdoors. Sunburns, I have heard, can begin in as little as 15 minutes with no protection. I have noted, on hot days like these, even inside an air conditioned cave I feel that heat. Eating a normal meal is problematic as well. In this kind of heat, even in the shade and AC, my meal simply lumps into my stomach. It was interesting to note the news now includes the a UV rating (or something like that). It puts it at 10.0, nearly maximum. Something else new to me was that they suggested that near a beach, or where the sunshine might reflect off water or such, may double that count (so, I assume, double the risk for sunburn?).
I have to drive my neighbor to her appointment, as usual, today. She has said she would like to help, as well as my other neighbors. Instead of having her help me pack, though, I think I will see if she will help me simply straighten up today. And then, when the other neighbors come over this afternoon, I will be in better shape to begin packing. Between the help I am receiving, I should be able to do even more. Not only does it show respect to those helping, it helps me plan better regarding what we and I are doing, it gets the job done quicker. I know, common sense, duh, and other things. I did not say I am brilliant or that I would reinvent the wheel or invent the spouaaaj*.
I heard some disturbing news today. The porn industry is bringing in more money than all sports. I had heard that 90% or more of the internet is just porn before, though I doubted that. Now, I am not so sure. I am beginning to believe porn is much larger than I had ever imagined. I really, finally and ultimately, see it as altogether evil. It does completely objective women, specifically and generally. It makes women interchangeable and impersonal sexual objects. But more, it kills love in the hearts and minds of men. It cuts off the potential for a truly special relationship between men and women. Then again, I think many men and women prefer it that way. Turn what could be a deep, personal, whole life, even eternal sort of special love into a business deal complete, it keeps the risk for pain to a minimum, and incurs no fault since everyone knows the deal going into it. I am not sure if this is a result of the fractures in the family allowed by law, upheld by common life, the mobility now available, and the suppression of the Church, I just know it is a sad thing to watch.
I went through my dalliance with that particular evil. Before I joined the Church, before I rejected or even understood sin as I now feel called to do, I had fallen into ogling the screen. I was in a relationship at the time, dry as it was. Then again, considering it was a Godless relationship, I guess that is as good as those can be and probably on every level. I worried that my woman, at the time, would cheat on me. She seemed to be highly sexual and yet was not having sex with me. So, I prayed to God that he keep her chaste or allow her to be monogamous. And, as clearly as I have ever received a communication from God, and to my utter surprise (and, initially, frustration) I a heard in my mind, "Do not worry about the splinter in her eye, look to the log in yours!". It was not a question, it was a command. After a few (many) more prayers, I quit looking for a bit. I started up for just a short bit but felt so wrong and bad that I again prayed about it, then quit to this date.
I know the world of man seems to think porn is just another product. And, to some not too small degree, think women are merely products. From escorts to prostitutes, to arm candy girlfriends and wives, the distortion of the place of women has been warped. To some degree, it is no wonder women are drawn to careers. Between male expectations, the worlds demands, and their own warped image about themselves, perhaps there is little to be gained by being a humble yet true housewife. Or, that perception could falsely be ingrained.
Sex and beauty is sold everywhere. But what that beauty was intended to initiate, and what sex is really about, has been turned on it's head. For some women, beauty is just for themselves. But why? It will, and has to, fade. Flowers do bloom, fade, and then die, but they are productive in their time. Imagine if all of the tulips in the world, bloomed one more time but unproductively. They might be able to maintain their beauty a little longer, but in the end there would be no more tulips. And, I am guessing, this is the way of it. And, I am told, this is a good thing. Why? Because men are pigs, or so it goes. But, when confronted by a good man, by these same women, he is considered... what was the word... ah, yes... quaint.
I do not know if porn is all that most men think is left, or if it is what helped bring all this about. I know, from speaking to some men, I am considered a nerd for having rejected porn, more so for having rejected gratuitous affairs (even remaining monogamous within those was considered odd by many of my then fellows). The call to God, by God, confuses me. I was such a sinner, and recalcitrant about it for the most part. I am not sure how I heard that call over the cacophony of modernistic chaos and sin. I know what my just deserts were and even still are. And, yet, here I stand. And, seemingly alone and becoming more singular daily. I am not sure the world ever did change, perhaps I was just ignorant of the vast evil, while living in my own sin quite happily, until I followed the call. Maybe my eyes never were quite as open as I had thought they were. Now, what I would not do to close them, again, but this time to simply live without the evil in blissful ignorance.
Well, I should get back to work, rather than sit here writing to the air. Though these sessions unload many fears, thoughts, troubles, doubts, and such. With these off my mind, I am freer to go about physical work. Shining a light on those ghosts that haunt the shadows of my mind allows me to not be so upset and to know what it is that bothers me, taking away some of the sting they might inflict if I did not know from whence the poison comes. Perhaps it even allows some small ability to produce antivenin for some of those poisons, and brace for the toxins which have no curative. Today, for a bit, I will be free from this cloud. To work!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tornado.
.
.
It seems there is a tornado, here in town. It has been spotted. I cannot seem to find out where it was spotted. I only looked because it feels weird. We are told to find shelter. I do not have shelter. I will just set the chicken to cool, put some of the liquid in a jar, and get ready for bed. I am surprised the cable television is not putting out a warning. Odd.
Good night.
.
It seems there is a tornado, here in town. It has been spotted. I cannot seem to find out where it was spotted. I only looked because it feels weird. We are told to find shelter. I do not have shelter. I will just set the chicken to cool, put some of the liquid in a jar, and get ready for bed. I am surprised the cable television is not putting out a warning. Odd.
Good night.
A call to my Mom.
.
.
After trying to call my mother all morning and early afternoon, and failing, I gave up. She called me back late in the afternoon. She was worried, knowing all she does. I set her mind to ease. I only need help with the enchilada recipe, I told her. Her mind once again at ease, we began discussing my flop. Too much flour, was her first words. I had suspected this, but I thought there might be more, so I went on. I used peanut oil and used some of the beef fats. No, no, peanut oil is too thick and the beef fat just will not work, Canola or plain vegetable oil I am told. Okay, I said. Oh, how much water, I used maybe a few tablespoons, perhaps as much as a cup. No, 3 to 4 cups of water, added a cup at a time. There was more, but I think I had the rest of it pretty right on, as little as that was.
Hmm, well, I did try. My aunt did this so fast, and never measured, so I was merely going on instinct. She used different sized pots and pans, so my volumetric views were skewed as well. The good thing is that I liked the spice mix and taste from what I did that I gained that and I now have a practice session. I have a practical set of experiences from which to start doing it right. I would like to get this recipe down, just so, and while it is fresh on my mind. She suggested that, once I have it down, I will always have it. And, from experience, I think she is right as rain. I have some of the spice mix my aunt graciously gave me, and the stuff I ordered. My mom will receive a nice little assortment from my order for her good deeds.
I suggested using chicken hindquarters, I have since bought fresh, for the meat. She suggested boiling them then using chicken water for the sauce after cooling it and removing the layer of fat from the water. That, she suggested, would add worlds of flavor. So, my plans are simple. I would like to make several more enchilada casseroles in order to get this down while I can, starting with the chicken one. And, since I am now getting some help with packing, I would like to have some 'thank you' food on hand.
As is, I will not be able, most likely, to make the chicken casserole today. But I will begin with the chicken, boiling it for use tomorrow. I am not sure how long it will take to cool down, but to get enough water to a boil to actually begin boiling the fowl parts, then boil the chicken done, then with the time to let it cool enough to put in the refrigerator (or debone if it is cool enough for that before bedtime), my day will very likely be at an end before I could consider cooking the casserole. I do not work on Sunday, but cooking, to my current understanding, is not work for such purposes.
I see that I have lost what I had thought was a friend. I do not see how the shoe fits, but that is not for me to say. I am not a negotiator, as I have said. I could say more, either digging a deeper hole or trying to bridge the current hole, but I do not see either as useful. The reaction was emotional so no thinking on my part will help. And, I would guess, the words would not be read by the one who feels offended. I am surprised, even with occasional nods, that anyone really reads my blog. I honestly did not realize people do read here, or fully, or often. This is my diary. I would think, if people do read here, they might easily be offended in any case. Thick skin should be required for reading a beasts inner thoughts.
Did you think I jested when I suggested I was an ogre or other type of monster, dear readers? Though I would never harm you of flesh (unless of course you approached with a sharp stick pointed toward my eye, a certain gleam in your eye, and a specific stance in your approach), but your feelings mean little to me for the following reason. I cannot feel your pain, which flows from another reason yet. My pain receptors have been shredded in attempt to find truth and what is wrong with me, and in attempting to either fix that or move on without a fix. My idea of delicacy is not even civil, mainly because I have little left but raw nerves, brute strength, and ferocity, that which has allowed me to survive.
What were those lyrics? Dunno, something like... "Standing at ground zero, baby, hollow but alive..." And just lately, more hollow than alive.
If you are delicate, easily offended, or cannot handle the voices in my head, leave. I hold nothing against you. I am a bit jealous that you can lead such a sheltered little life. But you do not belong in this shadow world. You will be eaten here, by me or those things I invoke. True or not, the taste is the same, and it can be darkly bitter. Get thee hie!
.
After trying to call my mother all morning and early afternoon, and failing, I gave up. She called me back late in the afternoon. She was worried, knowing all she does. I set her mind to ease. I only need help with the enchilada recipe, I told her. Her mind once again at ease, we began discussing my flop. Too much flour, was her first words. I had suspected this, but I thought there might be more, so I went on. I used peanut oil and used some of the beef fats. No, no, peanut oil is too thick and the beef fat just will not work, Canola or plain vegetable oil I am told. Okay, I said. Oh, how much water, I used maybe a few tablespoons, perhaps as much as a cup. No, 3 to 4 cups of water, added a cup at a time. There was more, but I think I had the rest of it pretty right on, as little as that was.
Hmm, well, I did try. My aunt did this so fast, and never measured, so I was merely going on instinct. She used different sized pots and pans, so my volumetric views were skewed as well. The good thing is that I liked the spice mix and taste from what I did that I gained that and I now have a practice session. I have a practical set of experiences from which to start doing it right. I would like to get this recipe down, just so, and while it is fresh on my mind. She suggested that, once I have it down, I will always have it. And, from experience, I think she is right as rain. I have some of the spice mix my aunt graciously gave me, and the stuff I ordered. My mom will receive a nice little assortment from my order for her good deeds.
I suggested using chicken hindquarters, I have since bought fresh, for the meat. She suggested boiling them then using chicken water for the sauce after cooling it and removing the layer of fat from the water. That, she suggested, would add worlds of flavor. So, my plans are simple. I would like to make several more enchilada casseroles in order to get this down while I can, starting with the chicken one. And, since I am now getting some help with packing, I would like to have some 'thank you' food on hand.
As is, I will not be able, most likely, to make the chicken casserole today. But I will begin with the chicken, boiling it for use tomorrow. I am not sure how long it will take to cool down, but to get enough water to a boil to actually begin boiling the fowl parts, then boil the chicken done, then with the time to let it cool enough to put in the refrigerator (or debone if it is cool enough for that before bedtime), my day will very likely be at an end before I could consider cooking the casserole. I do not work on Sunday, but cooking, to my current understanding, is not work for such purposes.
I see that I have lost what I had thought was a friend. I do not see how the shoe fits, but that is not for me to say. I am not a negotiator, as I have said. I could say more, either digging a deeper hole or trying to bridge the current hole, but I do not see either as useful. The reaction was emotional so no thinking on my part will help. And, I would guess, the words would not be read by the one who feels offended. I am surprised, even with occasional nods, that anyone really reads my blog. I honestly did not realize people do read here, or fully, or often. This is my diary. I would think, if people do read here, they might easily be offended in any case. Thick skin should be required for reading a beasts inner thoughts.
Did you think I jested when I suggested I was an ogre or other type of monster, dear readers? Though I would never harm you of flesh (unless of course you approached with a sharp stick pointed toward my eye, a certain gleam in your eye, and a specific stance in your approach), but your feelings mean little to me for the following reason. I cannot feel your pain, which flows from another reason yet. My pain receptors have been shredded in attempt to find truth and what is wrong with me, and in attempting to either fix that or move on without a fix. My idea of delicacy is not even civil, mainly because I have little left but raw nerves, brute strength, and ferocity, that which has allowed me to survive.
What were those lyrics? Dunno, something like... "Standing at ground zero, baby, hollow but alive..." And just lately, more hollow than alive.
If you are delicate, easily offended, or cannot handle the voices in my head, leave. I hold nothing against you. I am a bit jealous that you can lead such a sheltered little life. But you do not belong in this shadow world. You will be eaten here, by me or those things I invoke. True or not, the taste is the same, and it can be darkly bitter. Get thee hie!
Unrest in Iran.
.
.
I see news reports and blog posts regarding Iran. I almost cannot open a blog without seeing something, somewhere, whether in a post, comment, or in a sidebar. I have to wonder about it though, for a number of reasons. The first issue regards memory, and not that much of a memory. The last revolution in Iran lead to this. I am sure there were quite a few supporters from the usual suspects both here at home and abroad. They went underground with their support, however, after the storming of the U.S. Embassy. It still existed, I would guess, and in some significant factions of the left, the Embassy issue was a plus. The second issue is current history. Did we not just go through our own hope change revolution? The leader who was not elected is very trivially different from the one who was actually elected, in Iran. As for voter fraud, we have very little to say (Acorn) about (Chicago Politics) that.
We have seen nothing to indicate the, potentially, defrauded candidate would do anything in the slightest different from the one who was elected. And more, we know next to nothing about him. Is he actually able to legally hold office, does he have any real plans to democratize or even increase the totalitarian nature of his state (that would, after all, be change), and can he count or does he know anyone who can count, for economic and other purposes? You see, he is simply another BHO, or is that actually an anagram of some sort for bad political (and other) body odor.
So, if I seem disinterested and fail to show the proper excitement, you will, if you are kind (and smart) let me get back to my fish bowl of a life. I know, I seem like a cute little short of memory beta fish. But if you stir my pond, you might end up with one less finger. Enter my world at your peril. You will find my little bowl is a lot larger than it might seem from where you are standing.
*happily dozing and offering the illusion of a nice little red fish in a nice little bowl*
Can you say "Jaws". *chomp* Tasty, needs garlic though.
.
I see news reports and blog posts regarding Iran. I almost cannot open a blog without seeing something, somewhere, whether in a post, comment, or in a sidebar. I have to wonder about it though, for a number of reasons. The first issue regards memory, and not that much of a memory. The last revolution in Iran lead to this. I am sure there were quite a few supporters from the usual suspects both here at home and abroad. They went underground with their support, however, after the storming of the U.S. Embassy. It still existed, I would guess, and in some significant factions of the left, the Embassy issue was a plus. The second issue is current history. Did we not just go through our own hope change revolution? The leader who was not elected is very trivially different from the one who was actually elected, in Iran. As for voter fraud, we have very little to say (Acorn) about (Chicago Politics) that.
We have seen nothing to indicate the, potentially, defrauded candidate would do anything in the slightest different from the one who was elected. And more, we know next to nothing about him. Is he actually able to legally hold office, does he have any real plans to democratize or even increase the totalitarian nature of his state (that would, after all, be change), and can he count or does he know anyone who can count, for economic and other purposes? You see, he is simply another BHO, or is that actually an anagram of some sort for bad political (and other) body odor.
So, if I seem disinterested and fail to show the proper excitement, you will, if you are kind (and smart) let me get back to my fish bowl of a life. I know, I seem like a cute little short of memory beta fish. But if you stir my pond, you might end up with one less finger. Enter my world at your peril. You will find my little bowl is a lot larger than it might seem from where you are standing.
*happily dozing and offering the illusion of a nice little red fish in a nice little bowl*
Can you say "Jaws". *chomp* Tasty, needs garlic though.
A little clarity regarding politics and the feminine mind.
.
.
I was going through mental recalibrations this morning and some patterns and thoughts converged. While considering politics, generally, and women, specifically, an outline emerged. As I spent time pondering these things, initially individually, and then like the 'You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!' moment occurred, the two melded and I started to sort and stack the ideas into a coherent singular front.
My thoughts regarding feminism and simply the feminine were in regards to special women in my life, such as my mother, past loves, lady friends and such. I see, clearly, that part of the difficulty in dealing with women, for me, and at times, is that we cannot agree to some basic set of rules. The women I have known, seemingly, cannot keep their word and do not think doing so is important, as long as everybody (often merely meaning they) feel good about any situation. They seem to have no understanding that some do not operate that way, nor why someone else would be put off just because they do not do what they said they would do, especially if they are happy with it. Many women believe that if they just believe strongly enough, that what they believe becomes true. Logic, fact, and reality are merely man made constraints on their lives. If everyone can be brought to happiness through the notion, then it must be true. Again, everyone being synonymous with them.
On the political spectrum, I keep pondering the notion that so many statist nations tend toward believing their leaders can make a good life via thin air. The governments often believe that if they create a law, reality is created. The nation, dictator, bureaucrats, or whoever holds the real power believes they know enough to change the course of reality, therefore, the outcomes based on reality. They see economic truth as something to be overcome, rather than negotiated. If prices are too high, well, legislate them down! Why let supply and demand do the work in it's right way when one has the power to simply legislate. Of course, and this is just one example, it cannot work. When a power legislates the cost, producers are pushed out of production and quality dives. Perhaps production simply cannot be maintained. What must then happen is that the government must, to ensure production, take from the people and use that money for production. This, actually, ends up costing the consumer more in quality and availability (think bread lines), and for a very steep cost both economically and socially.
Governments like this tend to ignore reality and push into fantasy. These governments have failed their people every time and in every way. And yet, it is also how women think and often act. Equality for all cannot be legislated, it cannot be forced, and it is a failure in every way. Men are only created equal, they are only supposed to be equal, ever, in consideration before proper man's law and God's justice. The rest is fiction. Safety cannot be ensured, nor should it be. For the greatest safety, we would be strapped into chairs and used as batteries, our nourishment would be provided according to our need, and we would not be allowed to be a harm to ourselves or others. Of course, this assumes we do not have a soul and are simply collective animals. And, that is taken to an extreme. However, we are nearing being taken to an extreme. I do not think politicians, or women, who think like this can see past their next moves. That is why both end up problematic. Women, given too much power, end up being crones on the dole. Governments, given too much power by single women, end up eliminating those on the dole. Perhaps it is the way of things though.
I have not put that out as in depth, or even as accurately or precisely, as I would wish too. My word processor is dead in the water, so I have been having to type right into my blogger word processor which leaves little in the way of editing power. Still, I think it gives a general idea. I went through the thinking processes, saw the connections, linked the dots, wrote it as well as I could, and there it is. Now I can get back to other thoughts.
Have a good Sunday.
Update:
Hmmm, could really make some women folk angry. But, that seems to be my nature. First, remember the old addage, "If the shoe fits...". If it does not fit, Doh!, do not wear it. If it does, I hope you get blisters. Second, do not feel alone, that is my job. Third, well, I am sure there is a third, and probably a forth and fifth, but I just woke up. Though it might have something to do with not just picking on you but picking on everyone, if not equally as I do not believe in that, I do tend to snipe everyone a bit, to include myself. Now, go away.
.
I was going through mental recalibrations this morning and some patterns and thoughts converged. While considering politics, generally, and women, specifically, an outline emerged. As I spent time pondering these things, initially individually, and then like the 'You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!' moment occurred, the two melded and I started to sort and stack the ideas into a coherent singular front.
My thoughts regarding feminism and simply the feminine were in regards to special women in my life, such as my mother, past loves, lady friends and such. I see, clearly, that part of the difficulty in dealing with women, for me, and at times, is that we cannot agree to some basic set of rules. The women I have known, seemingly, cannot keep their word and do not think doing so is important, as long as everybody (often merely meaning they) feel good about any situation. They seem to have no understanding that some do not operate that way, nor why someone else would be put off just because they do not do what they said they would do, especially if they are happy with it. Many women believe that if they just believe strongly enough, that what they believe becomes true. Logic, fact, and reality are merely man made constraints on their lives. If everyone can be brought to happiness through the notion, then it must be true. Again, everyone being synonymous with them.
On the political spectrum, I keep pondering the notion that so many statist nations tend toward believing their leaders can make a good life via thin air. The governments often believe that if they create a law, reality is created. The nation, dictator, bureaucrats, or whoever holds the real power believes they know enough to change the course of reality, therefore, the outcomes based on reality. They see economic truth as something to be overcome, rather than negotiated. If prices are too high, well, legislate them down! Why let supply and demand do the work in it's right way when one has the power to simply legislate. Of course, and this is just one example, it cannot work. When a power legislates the cost, producers are pushed out of production and quality dives. Perhaps production simply cannot be maintained. What must then happen is that the government must, to ensure production, take from the people and use that money for production. This, actually, ends up costing the consumer more in quality and availability (think bread lines), and for a very steep cost both economically and socially.
Governments like this tend to ignore reality and push into fantasy. These governments have failed their people every time and in every way. And yet, it is also how women think and often act. Equality for all cannot be legislated, it cannot be forced, and it is a failure in every way. Men are only created equal, they are only supposed to be equal, ever, in consideration before proper man's law and God's justice. The rest is fiction. Safety cannot be ensured, nor should it be. For the greatest safety, we would be strapped into chairs and used as batteries, our nourishment would be provided according to our need, and we would not be allowed to be a harm to ourselves or others. Of course, this assumes we do not have a soul and are simply collective animals. And, that is taken to an extreme. However, we are nearing being taken to an extreme. I do not think politicians, or women, who think like this can see past their next moves. That is why both end up problematic. Women, given too much power, end up being crones on the dole. Governments, given too much power by single women, end up eliminating those on the dole. Perhaps it is the way of things though.
I have not put that out as in depth, or even as accurately or precisely, as I would wish too. My word processor is dead in the water, so I have been having to type right into my blogger word processor which leaves little in the way of editing power. Still, I think it gives a general idea. I went through the thinking processes, saw the connections, linked the dots, wrote it as well as I could, and there it is. Now I can get back to other thoughts.
Have a good Sunday.
Update:
Hmmm, could really make some women folk angry. But, that seems to be my nature. First, remember the old addage, "If the shoe fits...". If it does not fit, Doh!, do not wear it. If it does, I hope you get blisters. Second, do not feel alone, that is my job. Third, well, I am sure there is a third, and probably a forth and fifth, but I just woke up. Though it might have something to do with not just picking on you but picking on everyone, if not equally as I do not believe in that, I do tend to snipe everyone a bit, to include myself. Now, go away.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A few more tasks completed.
What a day. It started at 3:30 or 4:30. With time enough to wake up and with weather on my side, finally, I finished the mowing, talked to three neighbors, did a lot more planning, did a little packing, got half way through the laundry, and drove the neighbor lady 120 miles to a wedding reception. Did a bit more planning afterword. Oh, and I broke into a house. Well, sort of, and, of course, with not just permission but upon the request of the dweller. The neighbor lady believed she had left her curling iron plugged in and asked me to go in and unplug it. With no key, however, I would need to enter through the window. I called my other neighbor to let them know what I was up to so that they would not think I was doing something wrong. He decided, since he is a bit smaller, that he would go in. Then he unlocked the door and we went on in together and checked. Yes, it is good to have a trusted other go into someone else's house. Ha, it was unplugged! Well, it was nice to be sure though.
I should be ready to sleep tonight, for more reasons than one. I am more sure that I have not ended my friendship with my neighbor. I had worried, a lot, about that. And, having worked a decent amount, the lawn is quite large, my body has spent itself. As well, having more things happening with planning for the move puts my mind more to ease as time grows short. The first was the most important. But the others have an affect too, and strong ones.
I think, now, it is bedtime. Good night.
I should be ready to sleep tonight, for more reasons than one. I am more sure that I have not ended my friendship with my neighbor. I had worried, a lot, about that. And, having worked a decent amount, the lawn is quite large, my body has spent itself. As well, having more things happening with planning for the move puts my mind more to ease as time grows short. The first was the most important. But the others have an affect too, and strong ones.
I think, now, it is bedtime. Good night.
One last bit.
.
.
I am definitely out of shape. On the flip side, I am able to recover fairly well and get back to it. Some of it is just the heat. I can work miracles snow blowing, and even shoveling snow. I took breaks then, as well, but they were much shorter and less often. If I want to get out in the heat to survey hunting grounds though, I had best get used to it. It will be just as hot, I suspect, where I am going. The humidity will be far less though. Honestly, I do think humidity plays a part in the feel of heat, and a large one. I used to think that was only more myth than truth, until I visited Las Vegas in high heat. I could handle the day heat, though I really needed some way of cooling off at night. Here, it is tough to handle high heat, with the humidity, at all.
I wonder if this is going to kill me, in the long run, or if it will give me a boost. I never can really be sure which way it will go. But I did tell my landlord I would do this. And, though late, I have been trying to find a time when it was not too hot or raining to mow since Tuesday, minus sleeping through Wednesday. This is my first shot, and it is good to be nearly done. I do hope he appreciates, and the fact that I will not accept the money. I see it as a favor, one I would do for anyone, or, almost anyone, in a pinch. I am not exactly sure when he will be back. Perhaps I will do it again before then. It would be a nice parting gift.
It is so odd how, when the world closes in, a few words in a pleading tone and help arrives. Even just a bit of help lends to the task. Sometimes the help is merely words. At this point, I can use whatever I can get.
The neighbor lady would like me to stay an extra month, actually. She has suggested she would move in to fill my vacancy, so that any objections my landlord has about getting the place ready to be on the market could be set aside. I am not sure how serious she is about that, and I do not want to leave my landlord holding the bag. An extra month would be super, from my point of view, in the packing and finding an apartment department. However, if my neighbor is able to drive out with me, and help packing and unpacking, I am not sure I could turn that down to stay an extra month. And, I know if he can do it now, he cannot do it in August. But if that does not work out where he can help me either time, then an extra month is all good.
Still, I do not want my landlord thinking this is my plan. She wants me to stay, and if it works out for me, then I will. But he was pretty sure he wanted me out and has tired of my delays. I do not want to be on bad terms with him. That could complicate any new rents. Oh well, everything is up in the air again, but I will be packing as if I have to move on the first. I just cannot do otherwise.
Back to the last bit of mowing. He will not be back until the 28th, so, I may mow one more time for him. What could be worse than coming home to a lawn that needs mowing, after a pleasant cruise and visiting with friends? Well, there are a few things, but this would be rough.
.
I am definitely out of shape. On the flip side, I am able to recover fairly well and get back to it. Some of it is just the heat. I can work miracles snow blowing, and even shoveling snow. I took breaks then, as well, but they were much shorter and less often. If I want to get out in the heat to survey hunting grounds though, I had best get used to it. It will be just as hot, I suspect, where I am going. The humidity will be far less though. Honestly, I do think humidity plays a part in the feel of heat, and a large one. I used to think that was only more myth than truth, until I visited Las Vegas in high heat. I could handle the day heat, though I really needed some way of cooling off at night. Here, it is tough to handle high heat, with the humidity, at all.
I wonder if this is going to kill me, in the long run, or if it will give me a boost. I never can really be sure which way it will go. But I did tell my landlord I would do this. And, though late, I have been trying to find a time when it was not too hot or raining to mow since Tuesday, minus sleeping through Wednesday. This is my first shot, and it is good to be nearly done. I do hope he appreciates, and the fact that I will not accept the money. I see it as a favor, one I would do for anyone, or, almost anyone, in a pinch. I am not exactly sure when he will be back. Perhaps I will do it again before then. It would be a nice parting gift.
It is so odd how, when the world closes in, a few words in a pleading tone and help arrives. Even just a bit of help lends to the task. Sometimes the help is merely words. At this point, I can use whatever I can get.
The neighbor lady would like me to stay an extra month, actually. She has suggested she would move in to fill my vacancy, so that any objections my landlord has about getting the place ready to be on the market could be set aside. I am not sure how serious she is about that, and I do not want to leave my landlord holding the bag. An extra month would be super, from my point of view, in the packing and finding an apartment department. However, if my neighbor is able to drive out with me, and help packing and unpacking, I am not sure I could turn that down to stay an extra month. And, I know if he can do it now, he cannot do it in August. But if that does not work out where he can help me either time, then an extra month is all good.
Still, I do not want my landlord thinking this is my plan. She wants me to stay, and if it works out for me, then I will. But he was pretty sure he wanted me out and has tired of my delays. I do not want to be on bad terms with him. That could complicate any new rents. Oh well, everything is up in the air again, but I will be packing as if I have to move on the first. I just cannot do otherwise.
Back to the last bit of mowing. He will not be back until the 28th, so, I may mow one more time for him. What could be worse than coming home to a lawn that needs mowing, after a pleasant cruise and visiting with friends? Well, there are a few things, but this would be rough.
Half way done.
.
.
Nothing like a big yard and thick wet grass to show one how out of shape they really are. I am doing about a quarter of the yard at a time, hitting it as full throttle as I can, then taking a half an hour to forty five minute break. I end up sweating like nobodies business of course, and a bit out of breath. Still, it is getting done and there just does not look like rain on the horizon. There are clouds on the edge of the horizon, but those look to be moving even slower than I am. No shade, perhaps. At least there is no chance that the weathermen are wrong and it will rain, at least as far as my needs go.
The day is, or seems warm. It is not quite burning hot, but still, not my favorite type of day. Humidity seems mild, but then again, perhaps I worked up a sweat before I could rightly tell. I like days like these if I can find a nice cool pool of water, lake, or river, with few others around. A swing that allows one to plunge in would also be good. If I did not have so many things to do, I would love to go out and find such a place. And, as a fact, I do know of a few places to check for vacancies. Maybe tomorrow, since work is off the menu.
I best get back to it. If my neighbor is interested in helping pack, then I had best be ready. Even if not, it would be good to knock this task off, have a bite to eat when I have cooled off enough, then get to packing myself. Vroom!
.
Nothing like a big yard and thick wet grass to show one how out of shape they really are. I am doing about a quarter of the yard at a time, hitting it as full throttle as I can, then taking a half an hour to forty five minute break. I end up sweating like nobodies business of course, and a bit out of breath. Still, it is getting done and there just does not look like rain on the horizon. There are clouds on the edge of the horizon, but those look to be moving even slower than I am. No shade, perhaps. At least there is no chance that the weathermen are wrong and it will rain, at least as far as my needs go.
The day is, or seems warm. It is not quite burning hot, but still, not my favorite type of day. Humidity seems mild, but then again, perhaps I worked up a sweat before I could rightly tell. I like days like these if I can find a nice cool pool of water, lake, or river, with few others around. A swing that allows one to plunge in would also be good. If I did not have so many things to do, I would love to go out and find such a place. And, as a fact, I do know of a few places to check for vacancies. Maybe tomorrow, since work is off the menu.
I best get back to it. If my neighbor is interested in helping pack, then I had best be ready. Even if not, it would be good to knock this task off, have a bite to eat when I have cooled off enough, then get to packing myself. Vroom!
Looks like mowing is on.
.
.
The weather is good, or at least will allow me to mow. It seems that it will be sunny most of the time, with partly cloudy skies to, perhaps, cool me as I finish. Little chance of rain means I can really dig in and get it done. I am dressed, I have prepared my water camel, I have my sun tan lotion at the ready, and I am about to head out. I decided to let people sleep a bit more after a reckon showed few active souls out yet. Not that I am procrastinating or anything... mostly.
My neighbor had said he might stop bye and help with some packing and offer his advice regarding what size truck to rent. He will know, since I am mowing, that I am awake. And, when I finish, he will probably give me a little time to cool down before visiting. Then again, he might end up being busy today. They lead a very busy life.
Laundry is getting done. I still have 3 loads, give or take. It has been stacking up, and with the new clothes, it just takes some time. My drier is slow but sure. More slow if definitely sure. That is not a real problem though, and it is far better than having to lug all of this stuff to the laundromat, and cheaper too. That is something I am hoping to find, a place with either an in-apartment washer and drier, or at least the hook-ups. I have been looking at the new front loader sets. I don't think I need to spend a thousand on each, for sure, but it would be nice to have a decent mid-range set. There are a lot of reasons to buy a bit better, and more going for front loaders than not.
So much on the menu, and so little time. I think it is all going ahead as well as I can do things. This next week I will be signing off on utilities, handling my internet, continuing the packing, cleaning up as I go, and probably doing more eating out than not, just to save on dishes and such. Then again, I do have the casserole for when fast food becomes too nasty. As nervous as I am, I am also getting more excited as the time approaches. I think this might be the place I will end up settling down for the rest of my life. Either that, or this is the beginning of my search for just such a place.
It means, too, as I change my environment, I will also need to change myself. I need to go from more of a loner to more of a social man. The Church can help, meeting women could help, joining various groups might do it, and probably all of those along with just getting out and doing things alone and in groups. I am going to have to become a pack animal, even if that means not being at the lead (even if that lead is merely the head of a pack of one). Yeah, I am going to have to go through hazing and testing, and I will then have to see how well and where I fit. I came Home, now I need to find a home.
The other notion is this, now that I am not going to school, I am free to do whatever I want! It is a big world, and there is a lot of open country out there. I would also guess there are people doing all kinds of wild and crazy things. From hunting, to scouting, to climbing (trees or cliffs, take your pick), to scuba diving, to... Oh bother. As well, there is a college there. I had, at first, understood that it was more a humble agricultural college, and I was thinking two year college. From the information I now have, there may be an engineering program or two there, and that the college is four year to some extent, even offering masters level work in some things. I will have to see about all that. And, I am dubious about academics at this point. But I am sure I would like to learn to weld in any case. The world is open there, and less liberal. I checked. Doh!
.
The weather is good, or at least will allow me to mow. It seems that it will be sunny most of the time, with partly cloudy skies to, perhaps, cool me as I finish. Little chance of rain means I can really dig in and get it done. I am dressed, I have prepared my water camel, I have my sun tan lotion at the ready, and I am about to head out. I decided to let people sleep a bit more after a reckon showed few active souls out yet. Not that I am procrastinating or anything... mostly.
My neighbor had said he might stop bye and help with some packing and offer his advice regarding what size truck to rent. He will know, since I am mowing, that I am awake. And, when I finish, he will probably give me a little time to cool down before visiting. Then again, he might end up being busy today. They lead a very busy life.
Laundry is getting done. I still have 3 loads, give or take. It has been stacking up, and with the new clothes, it just takes some time. My drier is slow but sure. More slow if definitely sure. That is not a real problem though, and it is far better than having to lug all of this stuff to the laundromat, and cheaper too. That is something I am hoping to find, a place with either an in-apartment washer and drier, or at least the hook-ups. I have been looking at the new front loader sets. I don't think I need to spend a thousand on each, for sure, but it would be nice to have a decent mid-range set. There are a lot of reasons to buy a bit better, and more going for front loaders than not.
So much on the menu, and so little time. I think it is all going ahead as well as I can do things. This next week I will be signing off on utilities, handling my internet, continuing the packing, cleaning up as I go, and probably doing more eating out than not, just to save on dishes and such. Then again, I do have the casserole for when fast food becomes too nasty. As nervous as I am, I am also getting more excited as the time approaches. I think this might be the place I will end up settling down for the rest of my life. Either that, or this is the beginning of my search for just such a place.
It means, too, as I change my environment, I will also need to change myself. I need to go from more of a loner to more of a social man. The Church can help, meeting women could help, joining various groups might do it, and probably all of those along with just getting out and doing things alone and in groups. I am going to have to become a pack animal, even if that means not being at the lead (even if that lead is merely the head of a pack of one). Yeah, I am going to have to go through hazing and testing, and I will then have to see how well and where I fit. I came Home, now I need to find a home.
The other notion is this, now that I am not going to school, I am free to do whatever I want! It is a big world, and there is a lot of open country out there. I would also guess there are people doing all kinds of wild and crazy things. From hunting, to scouting, to climbing (trees or cliffs, take your pick), to scuba diving, to... Oh bother. As well, there is a college there. I had, at first, understood that it was more a humble agricultural college, and I was thinking two year college. From the information I now have, there may be an engineering program or two there, and that the college is four year to some extent, even offering masters level work in some things. I will have to see about all that. And, I am dubious about academics at this point. But I am sure I would like to learn to weld in any case. The world is open there, and less liberal. I checked. Doh!
Up and at it.
.
.
I realized, last night, one of the things that wakes me up. I woke very early, perhaps 3:30 or 4:30. It was too early for me to be sure of anything. After dressing a bit, I stepped out to check out the morning. There was the returning helicopter. I am right on the flight path from Des Moines, for the medical flights. Helicopters have a deep impact on my psyche, and the thrum of the blades always brings me to places and times, some mostly forgotten, where life was more tenuous. I feel the beats like one might feel the wings of demons approaching, with dread, fear, and sometimes cold sweat. I would guess those flights wake me often, though since I do not usually venture outside I do not realize what woke me. I can feel them, it seems, even before I hear them, even in sleep.
I have not checked the weather. I am almost afraid to do so. I really want to get the mowing done. My landlord has offered $25 per mow, but I will reject his offer. I will do it merely as a favor. He has been a superior landlord. So what I worry about is disappointing him. I worry more disappointing people than money, any day. And, being a Saturday, I will probably not start mowing, if it is possible to mow, until a bit later. Though moving soon, there is no reason to upset the neighbors. I am hoping a 9:00 start would be good enough.
I have my clothes in, that I ordered. I have 3 new pair of jeans and 4 new shirts. I have started the wash, with the jeans first, then I will do the shirts. The first wash of jeans can put out a lot of dye, depending on the manufacturer. Since I am not sure about these, I did them with only other jeans and dark unders. Though not the best man at washing clothes, I have tried to learn from the women in my life. I am a bit of a perfectionist. If I fail miserably, I do not mind so long as I gave it my best shot. I suspect I can finish laundry today, along with the mowing, and maybe get some packing done as well. Tomorrow, like or not, I must put my hands to rest, using them for prayer.
The rental I had hoped for has fallen through, as I see it. I indicated I needed more than a phone call from him. I simply will not send 3 months rent and hope he sends the key and such. That simply will not work. I asked him for more, and all he kept doing was sending his phone number. So, I will need to find a place, and quickly, when I get there. I am a bit nervous, as hotel bills will add up very quickly. I am hoping, in person, I will have a much smoother time of finding a place. And it does not hurt a bit to actually be able to see what I will be getting and to make sure I am not in a bad area of town, or that the apartment is not falling down, and check on certain particulars. And the other good thing is I can look for a place with a shorter lease, perhaps even month to month, so I can begin finding an actual home quickly.
Actually, I should call the churches in the area and see if they have any means of helping. I do not like to become dependent, but perhaps that is what I have been reneging on, and something that must be changed. Actually, that is part of why I am moving there, to find just such a community and to begin just such activity. Doh! I can be so stubborn and thick headed sometimes! (No feedback from the peanut gallery, please and thank you! The Management. :P )
I am a fool, folks. And I am stubborn, I have ingrained bad habits, and I lack perfection. But I make up for it by being one of the oddest critters you will find in the woods, on the beaches, in the city, or around town. If I do not like you, I do love you, and I am trying if the difference is merely stylistic. Still, I do endeavor to be more, do more, and offer more. I only hope, at times, that is enough to at least allow me access so as to improve. Give or take, that is, and of course.
Have a great day!
.
I realized, last night, one of the things that wakes me up. I woke very early, perhaps 3:30 or 4:30. It was too early for me to be sure of anything. After dressing a bit, I stepped out to check out the morning. There was the returning helicopter. I am right on the flight path from Des Moines, for the medical flights. Helicopters have a deep impact on my psyche, and the thrum of the blades always brings me to places and times, some mostly forgotten, where life was more tenuous. I feel the beats like one might feel the wings of demons approaching, with dread, fear, and sometimes cold sweat. I would guess those flights wake me often, though since I do not usually venture outside I do not realize what woke me. I can feel them, it seems, even before I hear them, even in sleep.
I have not checked the weather. I am almost afraid to do so. I really want to get the mowing done. My landlord has offered $25 per mow, but I will reject his offer. I will do it merely as a favor. He has been a superior landlord. So what I worry about is disappointing him. I worry more disappointing people than money, any day. And, being a Saturday, I will probably not start mowing, if it is possible to mow, until a bit later. Though moving soon, there is no reason to upset the neighbors. I am hoping a 9:00 start would be good enough.
I have my clothes in, that I ordered. I have 3 new pair of jeans and 4 new shirts. I have started the wash, with the jeans first, then I will do the shirts. The first wash of jeans can put out a lot of dye, depending on the manufacturer. Since I am not sure about these, I did them with only other jeans and dark unders. Though not the best man at washing clothes, I have tried to learn from the women in my life. I am a bit of a perfectionist. If I fail miserably, I do not mind so long as I gave it my best shot. I suspect I can finish laundry today, along with the mowing, and maybe get some packing done as well. Tomorrow, like or not, I must put my hands to rest, using them for prayer.
The rental I had hoped for has fallen through, as I see it. I indicated I needed more than a phone call from him. I simply will not send 3 months rent and hope he sends the key and such. That simply will not work. I asked him for more, and all he kept doing was sending his phone number. So, I will need to find a place, and quickly, when I get there. I am a bit nervous, as hotel bills will add up very quickly. I am hoping, in person, I will have a much smoother time of finding a place. And it does not hurt a bit to actually be able to see what I will be getting and to make sure I am not in a bad area of town, or that the apartment is not falling down, and check on certain particulars. And the other good thing is I can look for a place with a shorter lease, perhaps even month to month, so I can begin finding an actual home quickly.
Actually, I should call the churches in the area and see if they have any means of helping. I do not like to become dependent, but perhaps that is what I have been reneging on, and something that must be changed. Actually, that is part of why I am moving there, to find just such a community and to begin just such activity. Doh! I can be so stubborn and thick headed sometimes! (No feedback from the peanut gallery, please and thank you! The Management. :P )
I am a fool, folks. And I am stubborn, I have ingrained bad habits, and I lack perfection. But I make up for it by being one of the oddest critters you will find in the woods, on the beaches, in the city, or around town. If I do not like you, I do love you, and I am trying if the difference is merely stylistic. Still, I do endeavor to be more, do more, and offer more. I only hope, at times, that is enough to at least allow me access so as to improve. Give or take, that is, and of course.
Have a great day!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tough day.
.
.
It is raining, again, so the lawn will not get mowed. It is a bitterly cold rain too. My vehicle was out, and since it looked like hail and high wind could occur, I decided to get the Xterra in. The barefoot rain dance was refreshing though! If I was feeling up to it, I might really enjoy hopping around the yard. Then again, that cold is a bit hard to take, given the heat of late. Or I have become weak.
I was only able to get a little done today. I am so tired. I thought a nap would help, but I seem to tired to even sleep! So, I have been halfway between wakefulness and sleep. I was able to attempt the enchilada casserole my aunt taught me. I did, actually, make the casserole. But, it was no where near the quality she offered. It is tasty but it is not authentic, or even pretty. One of my main problems, perhaps my only problem, was the sauce. Her sauce was thick but still liquid. Mine ending up looking more like playdo or clay (it tasted better than those, at least).
I have some ideas about what I did wrong. I may have to call her, and my mother, and see if they have some ideas. I am sure they will know what I did wrong. Talking to both of them just allows me to hear what I did wrong in two different ways. Neither of them like me all that much, though. So, thank heavens for love. As I said, it was at least tasty. But it will not satisfy my hunger for the real thing.
I was able to get a few things done, and the day is not over. I am going to try and take a nap. Maybe I can wake in a few hours and do a bit more. Doing things on my own, it is difficult to know how well I am pacing. Perhaps I am doing what could be reasonably expected. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, and perhaps pushing would just end up being more of a problem than a help. Sometimes I feel so blind. I just cannot be sure about anything, it seems, at times.
Have a good afternoon.
.
It is raining, again, so the lawn will not get mowed. It is a bitterly cold rain too. My vehicle was out, and since it looked like hail and high wind could occur, I decided to get the Xterra in. The barefoot rain dance was refreshing though! If I was feeling up to it, I might really enjoy hopping around the yard. Then again, that cold is a bit hard to take, given the heat of late. Or I have become weak.
I was only able to get a little done today. I am so tired. I thought a nap would help, but I seem to tired to even sleep! So, I have been halfway between wakefulness and sleep. I was able to attempt the enchilada casserole my aunt taught me. I did, actually, make the casserole. But, it was no where near the quality she offered. It is tasty but it is not authentic, or even pretty. One of my main problems, perhaps my only problem, was the sauce. Her sauce was thick but still liquid. Mine ending up looking more like playdo or clay (it tasted better than those, at least).
I have some ideas about what I did wrong. I may have to call her, and my mother, and see if they have some ideas. I am sure they will know what I did wrong. Talking to both of them just allows me to hear what I did wrong in two different ways. Neither of them like me all that much, though. So, thank heavens for love. As I said, it was at least tasty. But it will not satisfy my hunger for the real thing.
I was able to get a few things done, and the day is not over. I am going to try and take a nap. Maybe I can wake in a few hours and do a bit more. Doing things on my own, it is difficult to know how well I am pacing. Perhaps I am doing what could be reasonably expected. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, and perhaps pushing would just end up being more of a problem than a help. Sometimes I feel so blind. I just cannot be sure about anything, it seems, at times.
Have a good afternoon.
So much for mowing.
.
.
Thunderstorms are right about to shatter the morning's quiet, or so the weather warnings are suggesting. Looking out of my window lends some credence to those warnings. I will just continue packing instead, as soon as I wake up a bit more. Perhaps this afternoon will be better, cooled from the rain and wind, and perhaps partly cloudy so as to be cooler still. Maybe the early evening will be good if the afternoon is not. I am not holding my breath though. As soon as the midday sun comes out, of late, it becomes brutal here.
I am finally seeing some serious clearing of the forest that is my cave. A small area cleared here, a group of things packed up there. Piece by piece, the whole of it is being done. Even if everything is not immediately packed, the items are being collected by use to be packed all together rather than being packed with dissimilar items. All of my tools are coming together, for example. I have had little practice at moving, and less interest in that type of work. Think cat in water. Only vacuums scare me more. Oh well, even cats end up getting wet from time to time. :p
I keep thinking of my faith, lately. It seems to come, then I make small changes, and then I am good for a while. Then, as before, I find new concerns and begin tacking whatever needs sorted out. Being in the middle of my move, and since my bible and other sources are packed already, this is an awkward time for this. Still, when God calls, what else is there to do but to use what tools one has at hands and to go forward.
The second religious concern of mine of late is prayer. For me it is quite simple to pray, in an off-hand manner. I pray over every meal, or mean to do so. Perfection is not mine in this, if my will is there, and if I probably hit a 90% rating. Whether I eat at home or in a restaurant, even a fast food one, I pray. I do not spend a good deal of time with meal prayers, unless the situation warrants it. Eating with friends, visiting family, or in dire times, I tend to spend a bit more time being inclusive and thankful or asking for extra guidance. And, when from the email Church prayer list, here in the blog world, or in my little real life, when people let me know they or others have concerns, I pray for those, usually immediately (otherwise I forget! Ack!). And, I frequently pray during the day, often at night if only sometimes in the morning.
The prayers I say just to pray are often just jumbled words and thoughts. I try to ensure to offer thanks for God's greatness and gifts, sometimes to remember my humility in the relationship, and then proceed with thoughts, hopes, and concerns, finally ending with one last thanks. But I have no formalized method. And though sometimes this is fine, I think I would like to add a more regular and more formalized method for prayer on a more regular schedule. I am thinking about trying to develop, in the beginning, a normalized nightly prayer.
Sometimes I do not feel like prayer at night. Perhaps I am too tired, perhaps my mind is confused, or maybe I am just a little angry at God. I think I would like to surrender a bit more of my will, and find a way to have God be a part of my life over my flaws. I think He will help me here, if I let Him. As for morning, I would like to begin doing a full rosary each morning, even starting out every other morning would be good. I think these two things would begin and end my day much more successfully than is now the case.
In some ways, since I believe so strongly, that I do not pray is far worse than those who only have a marginal relationship and belief in God. I see this clearly, finally. If reality has nothing to do with me in it's own workings, if I have no power or grace of my own, and if I am truly a humble naked fool in an infinite world and hereafter, it is centered on me too, in God's eyes. How amazing. So, I need to begin showing God, as little as I know, that I do understand this one thing.
Who knows, perhaps in time I might find myself following the hours of the day to some degree, if on a somewhat more loose and irregular manner than the monks who live by them. I cannot be a priest, or even a monk. I am not called, and for reasons yet unrevealed, not acceptable. There is, however, no reason I cannot work toward holiness. By becoming holy, I do not mean that I would become holy, only that I would center more of my life concentrating on that which is, ultimately, holy. It is not for everyone, but I think I would like to go there more often than I do now.
Well, back to packing, or actually, back to waking up in order to begin packing. It's a slow day already. No worries, I will get a fair deal of work done. Good day!
.
Thunderstorms are right about to shatter the morning's quiet, or so the weather warnings are suggesting. Looking out of my window lends some credence to those warnings. I will just continue packing instead, as soon as I wake up a bit more. Perhaps this afternoon will be better, cooled from the rain and wind, and perhaps partly cloudy so as to be cooler still. Maybe the early evening will be good if the afternoon is not. I am not holding my breath though. As soon as the midday sun comes out, of late, it becomes brutal here.
I am finally seeing some serious clearing of the forest that is my cave. A small area cleared here, a group of things packed up there. Piece by piece, the whole of it is being done. Even if everything is not immediately packed, the items are being collected by use to be packed all together rather than being packed with dissimilar items. All of my tools are coming together, for example. I have had little practice at moving, and less interest in that type of work. Think cat in water. Only vacuums scare me more. Oh well, even cats end up getting wet from time to time. :p
I keep thinking of my faith, lately. It seems to come, then I make small changes, and then I am good for a while. Then, as before, I find new concerns and begin tacking whatever needs sorted out. Being in the middle of my move, and since my bible and other sources are packed already, this is an awkward time for this. Still, when God calls, what else is there to do but to use what tools one has at hands and to go forward.
The second religious concern of mine of late is prayer. For me it is quite simple to pray, in an off-hand manner. I pray over every meal, or mean to do so. Perfection is not mine in this, if my will is there, and if I probably hit a 90% rating. Whether I eat at home or in a restaurant, even a fast food one, I pray. I do not spend a good deal of time with meal prayers, unless the situation warrants it. Eating with friends, visiting family, or in dire times, I tend to spend a bit more time being inclusive and thankful or asking for extra guidance. And, when from the email Church prayer list, here in the blog world, or in my little real life, when people let me know they or others have concerns, I pray for those, usually immediately (otherwise I forget! Ack!). And, I frequently pray during the day, often at night if only sometimes in the morning.
The prayers I say just to pray are often just jumbled words and thoughts. I try to ensure to offer thanks for God's greatness and gifts, sometimes to remember my humility in the relationship, and then proceed with thoughts, hopes, and concerns, finally ending with one last thanks. But I have no formalized method. And though sometimes this is fine, I think I would like to add a more regular and more formalized method for prayer on a more regular schedule. I am thinking about trying to develop, in the beginning, a normalized nightly prayer.
Sometimes I do not feel like prayer at night. Perhaps I am too tired, perhaps my mind is confused, or maybe I am just a little angry at God. I think I would like to surrender a bit more of my will, and find a way to have God be a part of my life over my flaws. I think He will help me here, if I let Him. As for morning, I would like to begin doing a full rosary each morning, even starting out every other morning would be good. I think these two things would begin and end my day much more successfully than is now the case.
In some ways, since I believe so strongly, that I do not pray is far worse than those who only have a marginal relationship and belief in God. I see this clearly, finally. If reality has nothing to do with me in it's own workings, if I have no power or grace of my own, and if I am truly a humble naked fool in an infinite world and hereafter, it is centered on me too, in God's eyes. How amazing. So, I need to begin showing God, as little as I know, that I do understand this one thing.
Who knows, perhaps in time I might find myself following the hours of the day to some degree, if on a somewhat more loose and irregular manner than the monks who live by them. I cannot be a priest, or even a monk. I am not called, and for reasons yet unrevealed, not acceptable. There is, however, no reason I cannot work toward holiness. By becoming holy, I do not mean that I would become holy, only that I would center more of my life concentrating on that which is, ultimately, holy. It is not for everyone, but I think I would like to go there more often than I do now.
Well, back to packing, or actually, back to waking up in order to begin packing. It's a slow day already. No worries, I will get a fair deal of work done. Good day!
Mowing.
.
.
It did not rain, so I will be getting to mowing today. The grass is quite high and very thick. Between lots of rain, high humidity, high heat when it is not raining, and the time that has passed, I think I am looking at near jungle scape, as far as lawns go. So, when the first rays of sunlight hit, then add a half hour so as to not be mowing before 7:30 or 8:00 or so, I think I will be out and working. If today is anything like yesterday, it is going to be oppressively hot and sticky by as early as 10:00, if it does not decid to rain. We are in that phase between spring and summer where the seasons are vying for supremacy and the outcome of that strife is not yet settled.
No hail or tornadoes, as the weather stations had warned might happen, at least locally or to my knowledge. Just wickedly powerful weather, whichever direction the weather takes, for the last week or so. On the hot sticky days, my central air has been unable to maintain 70 F, between the humidity and heat. I should guess that drier climes should allow for easier cooling, though I will only know when I get there. Of course, in Las Vegas, at least in high summer, home based air conditioning is both extremely expensive and of low capacity. I have dubbed (all but the industrial) air conditioning in that region as artificial shade. If you can get it to 76 F, at night, you are probably doing good (and going broke). They ought to just declare it a siesta, from June to September, in Vegas. My guess is where I will be going is nowhere near that bad. It should be about an even split between here and Vegas.
Sin has been on my mind lately, if not the way many will take that. Since my goal is heaven, I have been contemplating what is needed to get there. Think of this as creating the ultimate, or final, buggout bag, to include essential knowledge and understandings, since my faith is absolute. I think the biggest things, assuming a belief in Christ and God, is that our sins are mitigated through Christ's suffering and that we accept this. In order to be forgiven, we must ask for forgiveness. But finally, to ask for forgiveness, we must understand sin and what sins we commit. As much as I have studied various things, religious in nature, Christian in particular, and Catholic as a matter of practice and inculcation, I have a huge gap here. I mean to rectify that.
One odd thing about studying sin is that we can only deal with sin in our lives. Essentially, sin is very personal. And yet, while studying it, it is difficult not to see the sin others do and so become distracted from the original intent of our studies. Or, even, to see sin as such a common coin of the kingdom that we just decide to join in the 'fun' rather than to do the necessary studies or choose to abstain as we may. I think our quest for an understanding of sin can only really ever help us, personally, for the most part. Since we can neither forgive sin generally nor change others. More passively, perhaps, we can be helpful as examples though. Yet, without knowing sin, we cannot help ourselves or any one else if passively, by making an serious attempt at living proper lives, let alone finding our way to proper forgiveness.
I am a bit busy, at this point, so making a special trip to my favorite Catholic book store is a bit out, I would guess that, in the days before I leave, I will find myself in the area and will find myself looking for a book regarding just such a topic. Maybe two books. I need to obtain a more in depth guide regarding the rosary anyway, perhaps a written guide along with a recording of the various mysteries, so I have a doubly strong impetus to visit the store. It is very important, to me. Who knows, perhaps it will allow me to be less grumpy!?! Well, maybe not that. But if it pleases God, helps me in my walk, and allows me to offer advice in the way of reading or even some words to those who ask it, that will be enough. It never ceases to amaze me, when certain topics arise in conversation, how many people (Catholic, Christian, and on to atheist), in private little conversations, will and do ask for more. My heart skips a beat at the joy of that, and surprise and hope of that, from time to time.
Have a good morning, day, and life.
.
It did not rain, so I will be getting to mowing today. The grass is quite high and very thick. Between lots of rain, high humidity, high heat when it is not raining, and the time that has passed, I think I am looking at near jungle scape, as far as lawns go. So, when the first rays of sunlight hit, then add a half hour so as to not be mowing before 7:30 or 8:00 or so, I think I will be out and working. If today is anything like yesterday, it is going to be oppressively hot and sticky by as early as 10:00, if it does not decid to rain. We are in that phase between spring and summer where the seasons are vying for supremacy and the outcome of that strife is not yet settled.
No hail or tornadoes, as the weather stations had warned might happen, at least locally or to my knowledge. Just wickedly powerful weather, whichever direction the weather takes, for the last week or so. On the hot sticky days, my central air has been unable to maintain 70 F, between the humidity and heat. I should guess that drier climes should allow for easier cooling, though I will only know when I get there. Of course, in Las Vegas, at least in high summer, home based air conditioning is both extremely expensive and of low capacity. I have dubbed (all but the industrial) air conditioning in that region as artificial shade. If you can get it to 76 F, at night, you are probably doing good (and going broke). They ought to just declare it a siesta, from June to September, in Vegas. My guess is where I will be going is nowhere near that bad. It should be about an even split between here and Vegas.
Sin has been on my mind lately, if not the way many will take that. Since my goal is heaven, I have been contemplating what is needed to get there. Think of this as creating the ultimate, or final, buggout bag, to include essential knowledge and understandings, since my faith is absolute. I think the biggest things, assuming a belief in Christ and God, is that our sins are mitigated through Christ's suffering and that we accept this. In order to be forgiven, we must ask for forgiveness. But finally, to ask for forgiveness, we must understand sin and what sins we commit. As much as I have studied various things, religious in nature, Christian in particular, and Catholic as a matter of practice and inculcation, I have a huge gap here. I mean to rectify that.
One odd thing about studying sin is that we can only deal with sin in our lives. Essentially, sin is very personal. And yet, while studying it, it is difficult not to see the sin others do and so become distracted from the original intent of our studies. Or, even, to see sin as such a common coin of the kingdom that we just decide to join in the 'fun' rather than to do the necessary studies or choose to abstain as we may. I think our quest for an understanding of sin can only really ever help us, personally, for the most part. Since we can neither forgive sin generally nor change others. More passively, perhaps, we can be helpful as examples though. Yet, without knowing sin, we cannot help ourselves or any one else if passively, by making an serious attempt at living proper lives, let alone finding our way to proper forgiveness.
I am a bit busy, at this point, so making a special trip to my favorite Catholic book store is a bit out, I would guess that, in the days before I leave, I will find myself in the area and will find myself looking for a book regarding just such a topic. Maybe two books. I need to obtain a more in depth guide regarding the rosary anyway, perhaps a written guide along with a recording of the various mysteries, so I have a doubly strong impetus to visit the store. It is very important, to me. Who knows, perhaps it will allow me to be less grumpy!?! Well, maybe not that. But if it pleases God, helps me in my walk, and allows me to offer advice in the way of reading or even some words to those who ask it, that will be enough. It never ceases to amaze me, when certain topics arise in conversation, how many people (Catholic, Christian, and on to atheist), in private little conversations, will and do ask for more. My heart skips a beat at the joy of that, and surprise and hope of that, from time to time.
Have a good morning, day, and life.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Fun and games, sort of.
.
.
I finally steeled up and went and spoke with the neighbor. It looks like I will have help packing the truck. Beyond that, I cannot say. For now, it is very good to know. He has to check with the wife about anything else, which usually means no. No problem, really, and I understand. He really is doing a lot of work, they are busy as a larger family, and they have other social responsibilities. And, it is much easier to use to wife to say know. I know these things. I would do the same, if I had a wife. Then again, one never knows.
I have been separating, taking down furniture, and cleaning the kitchen. My no-polo polo shirts arrived. I will have to try them on. I have been considering Duluth Trader's shirts for a while, but I have been too broke, busy, or whatever. I like the extra function of the shirts, which will allow me to be a bit more physical. I also like the 100% cotton. They might not be as easy wash and wear as poly/cotton, but they stain less, or so I have come to suspect. I was amazed at how fast they arrived.
Well, back to work.
.
I finally steeled up and went and spoke with the neighbor. It looks like I will have help packing the truck. Beyond that, I cannot say. For now, it is very good to know. He has to check with the wife about anything else, which usually means no. No problem, really, and I understand. He really is doing a lot of work, they are busy as a larger family, and they have other social responsibilities. And, it is much easier to use to wife to say know. I know these things. I would do the same, if I had a wife. Then again, one never knows.
I have been separating, taking down furniture, and cleaning the kitchen. My no-polo polo shirts arrived. I will have to try them on. I have been considering Duluth Trader's shirts for a while, but I have been too broke, busy, or whatever. I like the extra function of the shirts, which will allow me to be a bit more physical. I also like the 100% cotton. They might not be as easy wash and wear as poly/cotton, but they stain less, or so I have come to suspect. I was amazed at how fast they arrived.
Well, back to work.
Several things done, many more to do, and more.
.
.
A piece, a box, and then an area at a time, the process of sorting, packing, and throwing out what will not go continues. It is a little thing at a time that ends with a project being completed. It is so odd though, that while I do more, I seem to find I have even more time. Yet when I do nothing I seem to have no time to do anything. I know it is a flaw in perception, probably linked with stimulus. But it does not change the belief. I have to wonder how many of my, our, flawed perceptions are like that.
I may have found a place to stay, however, I need to make actual contact and see the bona fides. I think this person, who is considering renting to me, wants me to send money before anything. If this is the case, this will not happen. Not only will I need to meet with a real person, sign an agreement in duplicate, and have some other surety that the agreement is legitimate and I am indeed dealing with who the agreement says I am or their legal agent, before a nickle will pass. I have been surprised, in a way, at how bold con men really can be. I have some worries too. He suggests he is an officer in the Marine Corpse, yet he cannot write well, or seem to understand English. Now, if he were enlisted, I might think he is foreign born. The only reason I might think he could be an officer with poor English skills (very bad) is if he is first generation and speaks arabic natively or something. I am not quite sure how to check on him, to verify his offer, or how to continue with negotiations. I am working on it.
Everything is sort of coming together, if slowly. I did speak with the neighbor lady, and will speak with her husband soon. She suggests that he may still be of assistance in loading the truck. I am still unsure, and will find out soon, today, if he is around. And further, I will find out if he will indeed drive one of the vehicles out. He is a writer, and working on his Ph. D., doctorate, or whatever, so that he may teach English at a college. I almost think that if he did drive out, that it would be to have some time to think, to see a bit of America in a different way, and to have some time to himself for a few days. Well, that, and he is a good man. Things may have changed, I will find out soon enough.
My lady friend will be over later this evening. She has found someone who is interested in a fish tank I would otherwise have had to throw away. Of course, she wants me to clean it. And, of course, I will do so. But too, I will be giving more than just that. I have enough lava rock (or whatever it is they put in such devices) to change out the thing several times over. As well, I have a new fish net or two. All of my fish and my crawdad died long ago. They were well tended for their rather extraordinarily long lives, and I was prepared for even more care. I did not replace them when their times were over, however. So, she will get it all.
I am always surprised to see how broad the 'Republican' tent has become. I see so many "conservatives" who understand conservativism as well as they understand the Constitution, Bill of Rights, or why those are held as true and precious. Which, often, is not at all. Some of these are rich seeming women who seem to fancy conservativism for no other reason than that it is or in some cases is not in fashion. I see nothing conservative about their writings or thoughts other than that they claim to be conservative. I see some who claim it merely because they do not want to pay taxes on their very high earnings. I see some who make the claim because they do not want the banks to be owned by the government, while I think most liberals are against that too. With such a wide availability of the claim to conservativism, I have no wonder why the party which was supposed to represent conservativism has been destroyed. There is no common coin of thought currency. I think that was the point, like when New Yorkers move to Iowa, Georgia, or such. They first claim they moved to leave exactly what they try and create where they moved. They try to claim they are 'just like' the locals. They believe they are acting (and using their money and influence) for the good of the (poor maleducated) locals. Yeah, that is why I am no longer a Republican.
As I said, though, I am watching. I do not see a potential candidate who deserves my vote, I do not see leadership making a difference and the one that exists is as dead to me as a three day old tuna on the shore, and I do consider myself politically finished. If the votes and election were not stolen, if the thief in chief actually is legally able to be what he has be crowned, or none of those are true, either way, I think this nation has pretty much ended. It is not that I have given up, it is that there is little to fight for. How do you deprogram people ground to socialism by decades of unbridled feminism, statism, public "education", unions, and such? The answer is, you cannot. They now demand government interference in the hopes of being given bones. Few can work, let alone create work, in a competitive environment. I am almost surprised unemployed university students have not rioted for guaranteed jobs (yet). Go figure.
Then again, and to be honest, the dream that was America was miraculous. Perhaps such good things are not supposed to last. Barbarian hordes along with traitors from within who seek greater power, unfair advantages, and craven wants will always attempt to tear the good down, as they always have. Of course, one could always hope these are the end times. I will not say I believe this, only that it is possible. I am sure, in their own ways, the Romans, Greeks, Byzantines, Egyptians, and many others had to wonder, or hope, the same thing, that time was ending. As with those, most likely, we will simply continue in a more broken, more corrupt, less kind world, humbly looking back and seeing how poorly so many had chosen (at least quietly). I would wash my hands of it, but I do not think that is possible. Though, I am not sure what more I could have done. I have been speaking of this since I turned my back on socialism, for the most part, in my mid-teens. I saw what socialism, and communism, brings. The boomers, I think, see it too. But I have to wonder that they think genocide is better than freedom, honestly. I think they believe we should be caged, enslaved, and murdered. They honestly think we deserve it. They have no more belief that this will "save the world", "end global warming", or "provide good health care for all". Deep down, they just want as many of us dead as possible. I really believe that now.
.
A piece, a box, and then an area at a time, the process of sorting, packing, and throwing out what will not go continues. It is a little thing at a time that ends with a project being completed. It is so odd though, that while I do more, I seem to find I have even more time. Yet when I do nothing I seem to have no time to do anything. I know it is a flaw in perception, probably linked with stimulus. But it does not change the belief. I have to wonder how many of my, our, flawed perceptions are like that.
I may have found a place to stay, however, I need to make actual contact and see the bona fides. I think this person, who is considering renting to me, wants me to send money before anything. If this is the case, this will not happen. Not only will I need to meet with a real person, sign an agreement in duplicate, and have some other surety that the agreement is legitimate and I am indeed dealing with who the agreement says I am or their legal agent, before a nickle will pass. I have been surprised, in a way, at how bold con men really can be. I have some worries too. He suggests he is an officer in the Marine Corpse, yet he cannot write well, or seem to understand English. Now, if he were enlisted, I might think he is foreign born. The only reason I might think he could be an officer with poor English skills (very bad) is if he is first generation and speaks arabic natively or something. I am not quite sure how to check on him, to verify his offer, or how to continue with negotiations. I am working on it.
Everything is sort of coming together, if slowly. I did speak with the neighbor lady, and will speak with her husband soon. She suggests that he may still be of assistance in loading the truck. I am still unsure, and will find out soon, today, if he is around. And further, I will find out if he will indeed drive one of the vehicles out. He is a writer, and working on his Ph. D., doctorate, or whatever, so that he may teach English at a college. I almost think that if he did drive out, that it would be to have some time to think, to see a bit of America in a different way, and to have some time to himself for a few days. Well, that, and he is a good man. Things may have changed, I will find out soon enough.
My lady friend will be over later this evening. She has found someone who is interested in a fish tank I would otherwise have had to throw away. Of course, she wants me to clean it. And, of course, I will do so. But too, I will be giving more than just that. I have enough lava rock (or whatever it is they put in such devices) to change out the thing several times over. As well, I have a new fish net or two. All of my fish and my crawdad died long ago. They were well tended for their rather extraordinarily long lives, and I was prepared for even more care. I did not replace them when their times were over, however. So, she will get it all.
I am always surprised to see how broad the 'Republican' tent has become. I see so many "conservatives" who understand conservativism as well as they understand the Constitution, Bill of Rights, or why those are held as true and precious. Which, often, is not at all. Some of these are rich seeming women who seem to fancy conservativism for no other reason than that it is or in some cases is not in fashion. I see nothing conservative about their writings or thoughts other than that they claim to be conservative. I see some who claim it merely because they do not want to pay taxes on their very high earnings. I see some who make the claim because they do not want the banks to be owned by the government, while I think most liberals are against that too. With such a wide availability of the claim to conservativism, I have no wonder why the party which was supposed to represent conservativism has been destroyed. There is no common coin of thought currency. I think that was the point, like when New Yorkers move to Iowa, Georgia, or such. They first claim they moved to leave exactly what they try and create where they moved. They try to claim they are 'just like' the locals. They believe they are acting (and using their money and influence) for the good of the (poor maleducated) locals. Yeah, that is why I am no longer a Republican.
As I said, though, I am watching. I do not see a potential candidate who deserves my vote, I do not see leadership making a difference and the one that exists is as dead to me as a three day old tuna on the shore, and I do consider myself politically finished. If the votes and election were not stolen, if the thief in chief actually is legally able to be what he has be crowned, or none of those are true, either way, I think this nation has pretty much ended. It is not that I have given up, it is that there is little to fight for. How do you deprogram people ground to socialism by decades of unbridled feminism, statism, public "education", unions, and such? The answer is, you cannot. They now demand government interference in the hopes of being given bones. Few can work, let alone create work, in a competitive environment. I am almost surprised unemployed university students have not rioted for guaranteed jobs (yet). Go figure.
Then again, and to be honest, the dream that was America was miraculous. Perhaps such good things are not supposed to last. Barbarian hordes along with traitors from within who seek greater power, unfair advantages, and craven wants will always attempt to tear the good down, as they always have. Of course, one could always hope these are the end times. I will not say I believe this, only that it is possible. I am sure, in their own ways, the Romans, Greeks, Byzantines, Egyptians, and many others had to wonder, or hope, the same thing, that time was ending. As with those, most likely, we will simply continue in a more broken, more corrupt, less kind world, humbly looking back and seeing how poorly so many had chosen (at least quietly). I would wash my hands of it, but I do not think that is possible. Though, I am not sure what more I could have done. I have been speaking of this since I turned my back on socialism, for the most part, in my mid-teens. I saw what socialism, and communism, brings. The boomers, I think, see it too. But I have to wonder that they think genocide is better than freedom, honestly. I think they believe we should be caged, enslaved, and murdered. They honestly think we deserve it. They have no more belief that this will "save the world", "end global warming", or "provide good health care for all". Deep down, they just want as many of us dead as possible. I really believe that now.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Time is ticking and the work is taking more time than I thought.
.
.
Bit by bit, I am doing this and that. With only a few weeks, perhaps I am going to really have to push. While that sounds good, I am not sure I can push. I hate this. I will get done what I can, and if need be, I will just have to talk to my landlord. However, that is a problem, as I will need to make sure I can get a truck for hauling this stuff. I have had no luck finding anyone to help, so it is just me. I may have to load myself, as well. It will be tough but that is the way of it.
I do need to eat, now and then. To that end, and with my mother's advice and memory, I have found the chile powder my grandfather used to use, and then ordered some. While I was at it, and since my clothes are looking a bit shabby, I ordered some Cabela's jeans (their classic fit works perfectly for me) and some Duluth Trading Company no-polo polo shirts. If I cannot find an apartment by the time I get there, I will need to look decent when I start knocking on doors.
I may have found a place. I cannot be sure yet, though. We have been passing information back and forth. The place is wonderful. It is more than I need, but it would be an apartment-sitting deal anyway. I would happily keep to one bedroom, the kitchen, and one of the bathrooms, avoiding all other areas like the plague. And, if I can find a decent place to eat or three, I will leave the kitchen alone as much as possible. Almost two months of searching and I have nothing, really, to show for it. Since my landlord is gone, I do not even have a reference, or a recent one. Bah!
Back to it. I need to do some shopping and then start tearing more of the furniture down and figuring out how to pack it best. And, hopefully, later, I can mow and speak with my neighbor. I am not sure if he will be able to help pack or drive out, some things may have changed. There will be only one way to find out though, so I best steel myself for whatever may be said in that conversation.
Have a good day. Lock up those front and back paws, like a cat on a screen door, caught in the wind. Whatever may happen may hurt, probably will, but hanging on just feels good for the moment. *clamp!*
.
Bit by bit, I am doing this and that. With only a few weeks, perhaps I am going to really have to push. While that sounds good, I am not sure I can push. I hate this. I will get done what I can, and if need be, I will just have to talk to my landlord. However, that is a problem, as I will need to make sure I can get a truck for hauling this stuff. I have had no luck finding anyone to help, so it is just me. I may have to load myself, as well. It will be tough but that is the way of it.
I do need to eat, now and then. To that end, and with my mother's advice and memory, I have found the chile powder my grandfather used to use, and then ordered some. While I was at it, and since my clothes are looking a bit shabby, I ordered some Cabela's jeans (their classic fit works perfectly for me) and some Duluth Trading Company no-polo polo shirts. If I cannot find an apartment by the time I get there, I will need to look decent when I start knocking on doors.
I may have found a place. I cannot be sure yet, though. We have been passing information back and forth. The place is wonderful. It is more than I need, but it would be an apartment-sitting deal anyway. I would happily keep to one bedroom, the kitchen, and one of the bathrooms, avoiding all other areas like the plague. And, if I can find a decent place to eat or three, I will leave the kitchen alone as much as possible. Almost two months of searching and I have nothing, really, to show for it. Since my landlord is gone, I do not even have a reference, or a recent one. Bah!
Back to it. I need to do some shopping and then start tearing more of the furniture down and figuring out how to pack it best. And, hopefully, later, I can mow and speak with my neighbor. I am not sure if he will be able to help pack or drive out, some things may have changed. There will be only one way to find out though, so I best steel myself for whatever may be said in that conversation.
Have a good day. Lock up those front and back paws, like a cat on a screen door, caught in the wind. Whatever may happen may hurt, probably will, but hanging on just feels good for the moment. *clamp!*
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Back to work.
I did a few things yesterday, however, my day was cut a bit short. I had to help someone out. As I said, some of what I had planned to do was done. Today I have a small list of things to do and people to call. I think I will begin taking my bookshelves, end tables, bed stands, and coffee table apart and secured for travel. A few business calls could be made as well. I already called my mother and checked in. She sounds to be in good spirits. We had a fine conversation.
I might be able to get some laundry and cleaning done between the small tasks. I also have my mind on packing the kitchen. I am not sure I will get to that today, it depends on how fast the rest of it goes. I am also looking to sort, alphabetize, then store my music CDs. In time, these will be done. I never can really tell how long a job will take, I have learned. I did receive an email from a Marine officer concerning renting his apartment. I suggested I would certainly be interested, but that I had either missed a previous email OR he needs to send details for me to consider the offer. To be honest, dealing with service personal is a preferred thing, for me, on average. The military imprints some, often good, things on it's people.
I best get going. Oh, one other thing. I believe I am going to check out one of the notebooks today. I am not sure I will buy, but I would like to look. If I get enough done, I will go to Best Buy this evening as I am winding down. I would like to look at them, check the keyboards, and see if there is a machine locally and readily available with a solid Linux OS. I just do not trust Microsoft. Between Microsoft's own intrusions, the insecurity of it's OS, and the instability along with the weak to nonexistent support leaves me completely against buying anything else from them if I can at all avoid it. Unless I just chance on the perfect (and very inexpensive system), I probably will not buy. It will be nice to look, now that I have an idea of what I want.
Drats! I was going to mow today, but it looks like it has been raining and further, that it will rain some more. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow.
Hey! Have a great day.
I might be able to get some laundry and cleaning done between the small tasks. I also have my mind on packing the kitchen. I am not sure I will get to that today, it depends on how fast the rest of it goes. I am also looking to sort, alphabetize, then store my music CDs. In time, these will be done. I never can really tell how long a job will take, I have learned. I did receive an email from a Marine officer concerning renting his apartment. I suggested I would certainly be interested, but that I had either missed a previous email OR he needs to send details for me to consider the offer. To be honest, dealing with service personal is a preferred thing, for me, on average. The military imprints some, often good, things on it's people.
I best get going. Oh, one other thing. I believe I am going to check out one of the notebooks today. I am not sure I will buy, but I would like to look. If I get enough done, I will go to Best Buy this evening as I am winding down. I would like to look at them, check the keyboards, and see if there is a machine locally and readily available with a solid Linux OS. I just do not trust Microsoft. Between Microsoft's own intrusions, the insecurity of it's OS, and the instability along with the weak to nonexistent support leaves me completely against buying anything else from them if I can at all avoid it. Unless I just chance on the perfect (and very inexpensive system), I probably will not buy. It will be nice to look, now that I have an idea of what I want.
Drats! I was going to mow today, but it looks like it has been raining and further, that it will rain some more. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow.
Hey! Have a great day.
Women and me.
.
.
I am approaching 5 or is it 6 years of celibacy. I have to admit, I thought I was doing well in this. The women I see here are attractive, but they are so political and religiously wrongheaded that I decided to not even look around. And, so, I backed off. Sure, I see them in stores, I see them when I go to restaurants, I see them on the streets when I am driving, but it is all at a distance. As my time away from women lengthens, I started to worry a bit. Perhaps I had lost my interest in the pretty ones, maybe I had become a dried up old coot, perhaps I would not be able to get back into the search if I found a place where I would be comfortable searching.
I have been helping a woman recently. She does not have a vehicle yet she has regular appointments in a neighboring town. I see it as a gift to be able to be useful, and more so in a personal way, to someone else. Secure in myself, and my devotion to chastity, I have been helping while also keeping my grumbles to a minimum and being pleasant, really. She is definitely not my type, if she is attractive. She gives me a hug from time to time, and is sort of touchy (in a nice way). She may or may not be interested, I have not and will not check. Thanks to her, however, I realize woman still cause me great pleasure, and annoyance, in the right ways. They can still be a huge force in my life. And that pull goes from the heart, the mind, and right down to my toes! Holy Smoke! Being up close and personal with the larger 'game' animal helps me realize the peril and draw and all of it is still more powerful than I had even remembered. No, when I find the right place to seek the right woman, I hope the Lord walks closer to me than ever because I could very possibly lose my mind. Well, more of it.
Why God did this, I know, but I cannot always deal with it, being an emotional creature when in areas beyond my logic, and I certainly cannot fully understand it. I know from what is written that He did this both for procreation and so we might have some sense of how much He loves us, right here on earth, through family ties. But I cannot help, at times, be suspicious. I suspect He wishes to trap us, or trick us. And, while that may be true, it is a good trick or trap. I think that is why so many marginal people try their hardest to avoid that trap, because they cannot handle goodness, or have not defined it properly. And, sometimes, I wonder if God does not have the best sense of humor in the whole of creation. Nothing is written about God having humor, so I cannot be sure about this either. Think about it, though. He produced Adam, decided how (not what) he would think, act, and what he would generally be like. Then he did the same for Eve. Only, when He made her, He made her so that she is diametrically dissimilar so as to be both helpful and confusing, attractive and repellent, and so very potent to our senses (and vice versa) in both the good and the bad ways. It is a beautiful treachery, and so very funny, at times!
In any case, I do get the humor, and I laugh my lungs out at the concept from time to time. Well, that is, when I am not crying about it. Still, it is nice to know that when I find the right group of women to begin wooing that all of my natural instincts, proper lusts, and interests are full bore ready for more trouble than I can possibly handle... without His help anyway. Lord, be with me!
Amen.
.
I am approaching 5 or is it 6 years of celibacy. I have to admit, I thought I was doing well in this. The women I see here are attractive, but they are so political and religiously wrongheaded that I decided to not even look around. And, so, I backed off. Sure, I see them in stores, I see them when I go to restaurants, I see them on the streets when I am driving, but it is all at a distance. As my time away from women lengthens, I started to worry a bit. Perhaps I had lost my interest in the pretty ones, maybe I had become a dried up old coot, perhaps I would not be able to get back into the search if I found a place where I would be comfortable searching.
I have been helping a woman recently. She does not have a vehicle yet she has regular appointments in a neighboring town. I see it as a gift to be able to be useful, and more so in a personal way, to someone else. Secure in myself, and my devotion to chastity, I have been helping while also keeping my grumbles to a minimum and being pleasant, really. She is definitely not my type, if she is attractive. She gives me a hug from time to time, and is sort of touchy (in a nice way). She may or may not be interested, I have not and will not check. Thanks to her, however, I realize woman still cause me great pleasure, and annoyance, in the right ways. They can still be a huge force in my life. And that pull goes from the heart, the mind, and right down to my toes! Holy Smoke! Being up close and personal with the larger 'game' animal helps me realize the peril and draw and all of it is still more powerful than I had even remembered. No, when I find the right place to seek the right woman, I hope the Lord walks closer to me than ever because I could very possibly lose my mind. Well, more of it.
Why God did this, I know, but I cannot always deal with it, being an emotional creature when in areas beyond my logic, and I certainly cannot fully understand it. I know from what is written that He did this both for procreation and so we might have some sense of how much He loves us, right here on earth, through family ties. But I cannot help, at times, be suspicious. I suspect He wishes to trap us, or trick us. And, while that may be true, it is a good trick or trap. I think that is why so many marginal people try their hardest to avoid that trap, because they cannot handle goodness, or have not defined it properly. And, sometimes, I wonder if God does not have the best sense of humor in the whole of creation. Nothing is written about God having humor, so I cannot be sure about this either. Think about it, though. He produced Adam, decided how (not what) he would think, act, and what he would generally be like. Then he did the same for Eve. Only, when He made her, He made her so that she is diametrically dissimilar so as to be both helpful and confusing, attractive and repellent, and so very potent to our senses (and vice versa) in both the good and the bad ways. It is a beautiful treachery, and so very funny, at times!
In any case, I do get the humor, and I laugh my lungs out at the concept from time to time. Well, that is, when I am not crying about it. Still, it is nice to know that when I find the right group of women to begin wooing that all of my natural instincts, proper lusts, and interests are full bore ready for more trouble than I can possibly handle... without His help anyway. Lord, be with me!
Amen.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Some things begin to make sense.
.
.
I have always suspected that the people I discuss here read here. They do not always understand and sometimes what I write here, which does not differ from what I tell them directly, can be bitter or sweet or such, but it is more potent as they are more able to review what I think more easily, through various moods of their own, and beyond how they might simply initially receive the material, unlike when it is spoken. It is like comparing a letter to a conversation. How much do we miss in the conversation due to emotional upset or cheer that we cannot miss from reading a letter? I would guess the difference can be as high as 70 percent.
I think my lady friend reads here often now. I do not see her footprint because the computer she uses is highly protected. And, I would guess my mother does so as well, perhaps other family members and friends also read here. I do not think my lady friend always understands what is written here. I do think she is thrilled to know someone cares for her, really and truly. And, I think good or bad, she loves seeing her 'nude in prose' in near print. My mother has another translate for her. The one I suspect does this, does it from an engineering educated farmer's perspective. Though solid, I think I baffle the translator not too infrequently himself. I seem to have a unique perspective and sometimes odd way of saying things. More, I think, perhaps, one of my aunts reads and tries to understand on her own, and fails. She sees a monster or a confused ungrateful waif, not someone merely trying to figure out the world and writing about his search through life and the emotions and possibilities of what he sees therein, as is the real case.
I think, simply, I am more widely read than I would suspect. I realized, after putting up a few add-ons to my browser, I am no longer visible to my tracker. I suspect those types of add-ons are more common than what I had thought. Add in that when someone posts here, I do not always see their tracks. I wonder how read I am here in my local area, in my Church, and whatnot. Though not exactly a phenomena, I might be more commonly read than what I had thought. And, further, I am probably not anonymous at all. While somewhat embarrassing to a degree, I have moved passed that. As I have said, what I write here is nothing I would not, given the chance, say. And, nothing I have written here unless the notion passes, I do not say. Then again, I suppose, I am anonymous merely through a general lack of understanding. I will not say that is always not on purpose, I will say though that as much of it as not is merely because of who I am and my general nature. A 50/50 thing, I would guess.
I did not make it to church. I will attempt to make it sometime this week then. Thankfully, locally, there are daily Eucharistic Masses. I need to visit Home and be a party, once again, to right celebrations and prayer. It is my duty, but more, it is my deepest pleasure. I have no friend or family like the Holy Trinity and the Church. Or I should say, any family and friendship I have is merely an extension of those. And, it is my hope, that I am a link back to those from those further afield, just as I am held by those from closer into those. It is a strange kind of magic, miraculous in some ways, quite simple and plain in others, and multi-dimensional all about. It is God stuff.
I have finally settled, however. I have restored peace. I have prayed this day and the last several, for guidance, wisdom, charity, and more. I have let it be known of my great thankfulness and humility. The gifts in life and the call to life have not been missed. I have inventoried what I may, that which I give up, both pain and joy, and that which I and others need, healing devotion direction and succor, and of course and always, thanks for everything from simply having such a great God to His wonderful work and Love on our behalf, and the chance and call to be near such Holiness in the many ways.
My reward has been a healing balm and a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. So, tomorrow, with thanks and strength, I will again set about doing what I must do. I will look to hope and fellowship, caring and kindness, and the work at hand to the best of my abilities. And, I must say, the tears and tribulation were worth every effort I felt the need to take in order to restore senses, sanity, faith, and order. What splendid rose is not worth it's thorns?
.
I have always suspected that the people I discuss here read here. They do not always understand and sometimes what I write here, which does not differ from what I tell them directly, can be bitter or sweet or such, but it is more potent as they are more able to review what I think more easily, through various moods of their own, and beyond how they might simply initially receive the material, unlike when it is spoken. It is like comparing a letter to a conversation. How much do we miss in the conversation due to emotional upset or cheer that we cannot miss from reading a letter? I would guess the difference can be as high as 70 percent.
I think my lady friend reads here often now. I do not see her footprint because the computer she uses is highly protected. And, I would guess my mother does so as well, perhaps other family members and friends also read here. I do not think my lady friend always understands what is written here. I do think she is thrilled to know someone cares for her, really and truly. And, I think good or bad, she loves seeing her 'nude in prose' in near print. My mother has another translate for her. The one I suspect does this, does it from an engineering educated farmer's perspective. Though solid, I think I baffle the translator not too infrequently himself. I seem to have a unique perspective and sometimes odd way of saying things. More, I think, perhaps, one of my aunts reads and tries to understand on her own, and fails. She sees a monster or a confused ungrateful waif, not someone merely trying to figure out the world and writing about his search through life and the emotions and possibilities of what he sees therein, as is the real case.
I think, simply, I am more widely read than I would suspect. I realized, after putting up a few add-ons to my browser, I am no longer visible to my tracker. I suspect those types of add-ons are more common than what I had thought. Add in that when someone posts here, I do not always see their tracks. I wonder how read I am here in my local area, in my Church, and whatnot. Though not exactly a phenomena, I might be more commonly read than what I had thought. And, further, I am probably not anonymous at all. While somewhat embarrassing to a degree, I have moved passed that. As I have said, what I write here is nothing I would not, given the chance, say. And, nothing I have written here unless the notion passes, I do not say. Then again, I suppose, I am anonymous merely through a general lack of understanding. I will not say that is always not on purpose, I will say though that as much of it as not is merely because of who I am and my general nature. A 50/50 thing, I would guess.
I did not make it to church. I will attempt to make it sometime this week then. Thankfully, locally, there are daily Eucharistic Masses. I need to visit Home and be a party, once again, to right celebrations and prayer. It is my duty, but more, it is my deepest pleasure. I have no friend or family like the Holy Trinity and the Church. Or I should say, any family and friendship I have is merely an extension of those. And, it is my hope, that I am a link back to those from those further afield, just as I am held by those from closer into those. It is a strange kind of magic, miraculous in some ways, quite simple and plain in others, and multi-dimensional all about. It is God stuff.
I have finally settled, however. I have restored peace. I have prayed this day and the last several, for guidance, wisdom, charity, and more. I have let it be known of my great thankfulness and humility. The gifts in life and the call to life have not been missed. I have inventoried what I may, that which I give up, both pain and joy, and that which I and others need, healing devotion direction and succor, and of course and always, thanks for everything from simply having such a great God to His wonderful work and Love on our behalf, and the chance and call to be near such Holiness in the many ways.
My reward has been a healing balm and a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. So, tomorrow, with thanks and strength, I will again set about doing what I must do. I will look to hope and fellowship, caring and kindness, and the work at hand to the best of my abilities. And, I must say, the tears and tribulation were worth every effort I felt the need to take in order to restore senses, sanity, faith, and order. What splendid rose is not worth it's thorns?
Dreams of Hell and death.
.
.
I slept most of the night, and well. Until the dreams. All I have left is the notion that the two women I love most dearly are going to Hell. Not by my judgment, not because I hope this, not because I want this, but almost as much because I do not want it to happen. Nothing I do or say, no act of leadership or love, and no amount of prayer can change this. And the certainty, in the dreams at least, that I am dying and have very little time left to do anything but find a quiet place to rest for the final chapter haunted me to wakefulness, pain, and tears.
In many ways, I hope part of the dreams are true. I am so very weak and tired that death would be a gentle gift. I will carry on if this is not to be, and I will do what I may and what I am called to do. But dying carries no threats to me now. I have done my best to submit to my true Lord, I have done what I may to seek forgiveness, I have become ready to die when called, for the most part and within my capacities. I have faith, now, to live or die.
But the rest of the dream rips me apart like nothing else could. To be without some people in heaven, should that be where my faith leads me, is so harsh. But I cannot force them out of the damning waters and onto dry land and then into the heights where safety and life is perpetual. They reject my guidance to live within the pleasures and illusions of the world they see to be the only truth. They seem incapable or unwilling to acknowledge God, goodness, or reject sin.
It is not that I am sinless. It is not that I am Christlike. I cannot turn water to wine, walk on water, resurrect the dead, or even heal the sick. But I can see Who knows the way. I can hear what He has to say, if my faults do not always allow me to hear precisely or to follow perfectly, if too when I find myself lost I know Who to turn toward for guidance. And I believe without reservations. I have no doubts in Him, if I understand my feet often want to walk the other way, my eyes seek to lust, and my hand seeks what is not mine. That I cannot seem to share this or exemplify it shatters me to prayer. A prayer that if I am doing something wrong in my way that I may be shown how to lift my curse so they may see. So harsh, so real, so devastating. And yet, my faith is not shaken and I must carry on.
The new day dawns but tears occasionally tumble down. I will, indeed, carry on. Today is Sunday, I will not work but I believe I will make a good attempt to make it to Church. I live so long without schedules that having to be some place at a specific time is difficult. My exhaustion, though lifting a bit, is still around. I need Church now, more than ever. I suppose Church is a place where tears may be let, yet I would rather none see them. These are mine and Gods. I am a man, for the most part.
.
I slept most of the night, and well. Until the dreams. All I have left is the notion that the two women I love most dearly are going to Hell. Not by my judgment, not because I hope this, not because I want this, but almost as much because I do not want it to happen. Nothing I do or say, no act of leadership or love, and no amount of prayer can change this. And the certainty, in the dreams at least, that I am dying and have very little time left to do anything but find a quiet place to rest for the final chapter haunted me to wakefulness, pain, and tears.
In many ways, I hope part of the dreams are true. I am so very weak and tired that death would be a gentle gift. I will carry on if this is not to be, and I will do what I may and what I am called to do. But dying carries no threats to me now. I have done my best to submit to my true Lord, I have done what I may to seek forgiveness, I have become ready to die when called, for the most part and within my capacities. I have faith, now, to live or die.
But the rest of the dream rips me apart like nothing else could. To be without some people in heaven, should that be where my faith leads me, is so harsh. But I cannot force them out of the damning waters and onto dry land and then into the heights where safety and life is perpetual. They reject my guidance to live within the pleasures and illusions of the world they see to be the only truth. They seem incapable or unwilling to acknowledge God, goodness, or reject sin.
It is not that I am sinless. It is not that I am Christlike. I cannot turn water to wine, walk on water, resurrect the dead, or even heal the sick. But I can see Who knows the way. I can hear what He has to say, if my faults do not always allow me to hear precisely or to follow perfectly, if too when I find myself lost I know Who to turn toward for guidance. And I believe without reservations. I have no doubts in Him, if I understand my feet often want to walk the other way, my eyes seek to lust, and my hand seeks what is not mine. That I cannot seem to share this or exemplify it shatters me to prayer. A prayer that if I am doing something wrong in my way that I may be shown how to lift my curse so they may see. So harsh, so real, so devastating. And yet, my faith is not shaken and I must carry on.
The new day dawns but tears occasionally tumble down. I will, indeed, carry on. Today is Sunday, I will not work but I believe I will make a good attempt to make it to Church. I live so long without schedules that having to be some place at a specific time is difficult. My exhaustion, though lifting a bit, is still around. I need Church now, more than ever. I suppose Church is a place where tears may be let, yet I would rather none see them. These are mine and Gods. I am a man, for the most part.
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