I got the total.

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It is pretty expensive, but I think, without a loan, I can cover... everything.  It won't drain me completely dry, either.  That may include the mortgage payment for next month as well, and the hog... if I will put half of that on credit just to have something left  in the bank.  Probably.  I looked at everything I can imagine.  Bills going out, money in place, money coming in, the works... at least what I could imagine to consider.  If that assessment was correct, I should be fine.  Then again, if I miss something, and it gets bumped?  Tough.  More so since the following month I will be back in the easy black.  I'm more concerned with my home than with a late bill or even five if that happened to be the case.  Though I know there is probably only one or two bills out there, at most, that I may need to tidy up.  And, I might even be able to clear those.  Yeah, it... I... we'll see.

Oh, right, well, I'd best get going if I am going to get to town.  A shower, some air drying while I finish an episode, then on to town.  I'll need to pack the return, a bit, and label it.  I have my list ready.  All good.  But I best get going... not sure when UPS closes.  I'll not worry about the little bit of snow out there, just can't.  Gotta go.  Later.

Up, late, and rough.

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It's pretty rare that I drink much these days.  Yesterday, however, I let it slide.  I didn't get too into the sip, just kept it steady for a bit.  Anymore, if I have a drink, it's just something on the rocks, with a two a day limit, and rare at that.  Well, if you aren't in drinking shape, even a few over the limit, even well paced, can make the morning just a bit rough.  The part of might be that I sampled rum.  My old friend liked that stuff, and I have some for when I eventually visit his grave.  A tipple for each of us.  Now, I only had one, but that is sort of different stuff.  He drinks the clear stuff, so it wasn't sugary or such.  Anyway, I'm in recovery mode, and slept in, if that seems to be happening with or without a sip.  Stress and still healing.

Feels so good to work.

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While it was a light effort, the snow being light, mostly dry, and fluffy... plus only an inch or two, it winded me.  I needed it though.  I do my best to push when I can, as much as I can.  After the shoveling, I grabbed fresh forty pound bag of salt and let that out.  There is ice, and slush, under.  It is warm enough that the salt will do some work yet today.

Next, a break.  I have my clothes set out for a shower.  I have a list of groceries and sunders.  The drive is clear, and should get clearer.  All I have to do now is rest, shower, perhaps rest again with another episode, then to town.  today?  I don't know.  I'll see if I get wind back.  I need more wind, though I think it's okay.  Even so, I won't be overreaching today.  If I can I will, if I can't I won't.

I will get a shower though, either way.  Good afternoon, and day.  I hope if you, too, can get in a few licks on the piles of duties, chores, and wants, you give them a little hell for me, too.  I definitely keep you in mind while I work.  In a good, hopeful way.  Be well.

It is time.

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I need to dress, though just roughly, and get to the snow.  It looks light... fluffy... but there are several inches.  It's always difficult to gauge, just by eye.  If it is right, the snowblower might be easier.  If it is too wet, however, the shovel is the only way.  I have to scoop the front exit and a starting part of the drive nearest the garage, I'll figure it out there.

Then a shower and maybe off to town, unless it is snowing too heavily.  I haven't looked in a bit.

I can't believe it, but the air popcorn popper burned out.  I've only had it about three or four months.  Insane.  While I have used it as much as twice a day, that has only been more recently, and not even truly that.  I doubt, all told, it has been used even half as many days as I have owned it.  It wouldn't be worth the hassle to try to contact the company then work on an exchange.  I purchased it through amazon, but at this point...  I have too many other problems, duties, and such to add one more wild goose chase to the list.

Well... on with the day.  Later.

This company is simply lying.

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Every time I turn around this company lies to me.  I could not find the paperwork with the information on it.  So I called in.  Guess what, now they won't accept the backdue or reinstate, again, until the full amount is paid.  And, again, they don't know how much is due.  I won't bother with them until the 3rd.  I was told, if they find out what the full amount is, they will call.  But I don't believe them.  I pretty much crashed after that, yesterday.  The stress is getting to me.  And that, honestly, I think, is their point.  So I will not let that get to me.  The information I had is gone, as is some other paperwork.  I looked everywhere.  Yeah, I am suspicious.  Some are working against me much more seriously than what it would seem.

The neighbors arrived with, essentially, a small tractor and commercial snow blower.  Getting through that by hand would have been... a whole lot of work.  It wouldn't have been done in a day.  Not by me.  It's a murder of snow this year.  The banks of my drive are four to five feet high, if tapering, also that wide.  Yeah, there is a lot of snow this year.

I'd like to get to town, it's... I might figure it out today.  Just for a few groceries and those shirts.  Oh, and a return.  I'll spend some time waking, then head out and shovel today.  It's not so bad, just, yeah, more.  Three to five inches?  Something.  At least the cold isn't getting to me anymore.  It never really does when I am dressed and out, just when I am laying low, and down and out, in the cave.  Then it seeps in everywhere and bites.

Time to work at waking.  I watched the American Horror series recently, up to what I can watch for free, and have just started Game of Thrones.  I never did watch Vikings, or whatever that is, or haven't yet.  I won't watch anything with commercials, and I won't pay a fortune for something I am not sure about.  I figure an episode or two, then on to shoveling, a shower, and maybe to town.  Good morning and day.

Snow, and a lot of it.

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This is as much snow as I have seen since the last major snow day.  The rest of the snows have been a matter of several inches.  This could be eight to fourteen inches, depending where I measure.  I am thinking I will have to use the snow machine, if even it will cut it.  That's a lot of work before I can even get to town, but there it is.  As well, the paper I had the information written on has gone missing.  No problem with that, it's a good thing for telephones.  Yet, it is a problem, for a specific reason.  Yeah, I get it.

Work, then a shower, then air dry a bit if I can before heading to town.  Annoying but that is the way it goes.  I just hope the snow blower even can break through this.  Then again, maybe my waking eyes were... exaggerating.  I still need to wake.  Yeah, a later start this morning, and then the internet was not lighting up, had to tinker with that.  Everything seems to be a problem this morning.  Oh well, I'll get it done.  I just have to double check everything and everyone all along the way.  Knowingly, willfully, or not, the world seems dead against me on this day and in certain ways.  Just bull through harder and more attentively, in times like this.

A bit of waking first.  No real choice.  I'll set the alarm for a couple of hours, sort of to keep my on track, then hit it.  Good morning and day.

A bit better.

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Efforts at dragging through the muck to find footing and direction.  I did some small amount of dishes then took a shower.  I did very minor shoveling to try to neaten what someone else had already done, then salted the walk and part of the drive.  As well, a meal, or two?  It is difficult to even eat, to be honest.

It isn't the cold.  I have gotten so used to the cold that at night, I turn the furnace to 66 F.  It is colder in my room as I keep the vent closed.  Even so, some night I feel the need for the fan.  Oh, and while I had a little blip in my sleep cycle, I think I am back on track.  I'll be going to bed in a little more than an hour.  Sure, later than I really want.  Hmm... fine... I might go to bed in a little less.  Yes.

I have to get to town tomorrow.  Picking up shirts from the dry cleaner, returning a package, and writing a check into my more local account and finding out when that should clear to do a next step in paying off the debt.  If they say it is good immediately, I will have the needed information to send the check.  You never know.  Sometimes one just gets lucky.  Tech, sometimes, advances from before.

Another shower, though, before going in.  I am tired yet.  Just a bit undone.  I may be seeing a way to more.  I might figure something out I am missing.  I'll keep at it, again.  I have some things I am really hoping to get back to doing.  I even like to shovel, if I can.  I'll... get back to things as I may.  Good night.

I did see this morning.

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Who did the drive and walk, that is.  But I had just waken and am running so slow and rough that getting out to offer a thanks wasn't possible.  Someone will know.  Snow is arriving nearly daily lately.  The cold has been heavy and harder than usual.  No real problems, just how things go sometimes.  I honestly wonder if they haven't learned, to a degree, how to control weather for a short time in a small area.  Part of the reason for the drought might be an attempt to keep radioactive waters off the East Coast and even on inland.  Well, it's a theory.  Not one without... possibilities... either.  While seven or ten or whatever years won't do much with the halflifes involved, the ocean is a massive system for dealing with massive contamination problems.  That is a lot of time to wash a lot of stuff out and down.  And that stuff does sink well, and gets covered easily.  Anyway, perhaps they have decided to crack the bubbly... or let the water and snow fall again.  Then again, the West has always been spotty about moisture.

Oh, while down, I am beginning to go over old posts.  The first round will see me trying to heal broken links, or this or that.  Some things are just gone.  I'll tinker with it.  It is something to do.  I can't say I enjoy, though it isn't all bad either.  Busy work, though a bit more.  I ought to catalog things, and create backups.  But those things are a bit too much busy work, not quite my style, and I have no sure way to store such data and media even if I collected it.  I think, especially when some truly hate you and your work, things have to fail, grow old, and die.  I would guess even the true greats, if they survived this murderous world, were forced to watch their works stolen, corrupted, perhaps simply destroyed.  As unfortunate as it is, that is the way.  More so for some of us, even if we aren't great.  For now I work, tinker to keep the crumbling castle of thoughts as open as possible.

I think it's time to eat.  Good morning, and day.

That was just odd.

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For some reason I could not find myself to bed until after 3:00.  Something has been stirring, a hunger to more life.  Not so much did it attack and roust as sneak up on me while I wasn't paying attention.  I think a fuller meal situation is doing it's stuff.  I am not that hungry, if my mind realizes I had best get going with food again.  Actually, even to fast, I must eat a solid lot of food.  As odd as it sounds, one cannot truly fast on an empty stomach!  Through which, once again, I realize that God is a comedian of His own sorts.

I dreamed I met the heart of a lion, in a mouse of a woman, last night.  I am not surprised to see this live in a woman.  In this woman...  I wasn't sure about her.  Just as only few men contain the bones of the noblest beast, so it is with women.  Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes...  Not every man can handle such a thing.  Not even other men with such a heart desire that in a partner.  The controlling personalities, on either side, face hardship when faced with a partner of magnitude.  Oh, she doesn't know yet.  For one who can see in the dark little remains hidden.  A warning?  I don't think so.  It is what I had hoped.  Why I went to see?  I heard of the dream of another, went looking for the source without knowing, and found as I am apt to do.

I don't think the dreamer ever believed.  She has reasons not to do so.  I have had my own doubts.  And, yet, the impossible can be seen from here, here being everywhere, even by one blind to his own future.  Or not?  The thing is, she is beginning to believe, believe so hard she dreams.  I didn't know what, at all, for sure, until I went to see.  Yeah... I am that kind and work in that way.  She should know, it isn't just for reasons she understands.  But as a child before a real fairy godmother, reasons matter little to a true heart.  Or a heart poured out in pureness?  Right.  Yes, I see.

Well... today?  Today.  I don't quite rightly know.  Four hours of sleep leaves me just a bit slow to boot up this morning.  Later.

Actually, food is helping.

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It is just taking some time.  Heat is helping too.  Rest was needed.  Like it?  Who even likes to sleep?  Well, other than loving it sometimes.  I mean, who likes to take time for sleep, or food, or... lots of things.  Just do?  Just do!  But, no.  Can't just do if you don't sleep, eat, and drink, to some (unknown) rightness.  Given how little I have tended things it is amazing... something... how long I have lived?  How well I still do sometimes?  Amazing.

I have regulated to days.

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At my energy levels, though, if I do much I might well end that pattern.  Actually, I am not sure how I am keeping it going.  The alarm can't force it.  If it becomes a problem, rather than 'break', I just stop using it.  I could try to go to bed earlier, assuming I can stay awake.  I am hoping adding more meat, and simply eating more, might help.  But if yesterday is a clue, that's not the problem.  It isn't even the cold.  I have acclimated to the 66 F temps well enough that, often enough, I can handle shorts and a t-shirt, sometimes adding a sweater, longer pants, a warm bathrobe, or some mix.  I think my body just goes through times where I get bedraggled.  I think that is now.  I am not given a living's worth of income for no reason.

The dream I remember from last night, was of buying a car.  A downgrade I didn't want, somehow losing my old vehicle.  The exchange vehicle was used and rough, for whatever reason, I had no choice.  First thing I got it to a place whereby to clean out the interior.  First the passenger area.  As I was going through stuff, I saw a spider of significant size... it's main about the circumference of a baseball, or a bit more.  I tried to push and scare it out.  Finally it departed.  I finished cleaning that area, then began on the rear passenger side floorboard area.  Again, another spider.  Not so big, but too big.  After finishing that area, and the cab compartment in general, and a general wash, I decided to bug-bomb the car.  --  Just a generally annoying and slightly depressing dream.  It, to me, just means that such is life.  But that I will figure things out, do what is needed, and go on.  This is true whether you are king, pauper, prince, priest, or whomever.  It's just one of those things in life.

I sure wish sleep had done more to make me feel rested.  Ah, medicine.  Something has been missing in all the hubbub.  Actually, now that I think of it, this feels like the potassium crash from before.  Ah-ha!  Thank you, dear diary, for giving me pause.  I think that is exactly what this is, and in a bad way.  Oh, I do believe, as well, I will cut the carvedilol in half.  The last few times I have started, I just... got lost and fell off.  I just... for me, that medicine is severe.  I have to handle it like learning to handle any other poison.  Yes, it's a poison.  It is just that it might be less lethal than the poison of my illness.  That IS what most medicine is... a calculated bet with your ass on the line.  They can't sue every pharma or doctor for every bad medicine or application.  They can't do enough trials, or even keep those honest enough.  Life is risky, medicine more so.  What are you going to do?

I'll find and get that started again, minus the water pill.  Strangely, I have gone completely back to normal with my feet.  The skin is still dry and cracked a bit, but otherwise you would never know.  Funny thing?  Where my feet used to be dry and cracked has normalized.  It is only where the skin on the feet had expanded to near bursting that the skin is dry now.  I am working on it.  A focused but not, as yet, due to exhaustion, an allout attack on the problem.

I have... changed some things.  I don't understand everything, only that I have to do things my way.  I am not sure what is wrong in some directions.  I just know I can't do, at all, some things.  So I don't.  Not all my own doing, just...  Never mind.  If you find something doesn't work, you don't do it.

Later.

I'm a bit toasted.

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I think it is stress.  Trying to figure out finances, where to go, how to take my belongings, what of them I could take, and not having a timetable to work with... plus a few other things, such as whether I would even be able to keep my cats?  I'm fried, down to the deeper nerves.  Even if what I am told is true, I realize these companies can pretty much take my home if they want.  For politics, or whatever else.  And, it seems, they will run right up to it.  I realize that my home is never safe, no matter how honestly I play the game.  I told you, long ago, I decided I won't fall in line with the pecking order.  That hasn't changed.

I called my mom, let her in on the news, but still want her to call me Wednesday... to remind me to call again.  I am hoping to figure out how to get back into enough shape that I can get to town Monday.  I am razzled, fried, cooked, baked, and shot.  I do have to get in though.  Oh, and I have some returns to make and shirts to pick up.  Gah!

To that end I thawed meat and am eating ravenously.  Eating popcorn and salad, while it has some good things, doesn't it cut it when needing to work.  I'll be going to bed early tonight, shortly.  Probably.  I'll try to kick it out to, say, 20:00, then set the alarm for 5:00.  Just not sure about that.  Good night.

Oh, while I didn't watch the inauguration, I espied from a distance in the way I do.  I have some reason to believe from the bits and pieces of the various parts that things will work much better than worse and more often, by far, than not.  I'll keep him, family, and America as a nation, in my prayers.  Just understand, there is still the piper to pay.  Between borrowing and spending, the debt has to come due.  It doesn't matter.  Sobering up right before the check is handed does not change the amount due for this drunken revelry.  It's... gonna hurt.  Just so you understand.

They still don't have the numbers.

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They still don't have the full cost of dues, fees, legal, or otherwise.  I was told, however, that they will, now, accept the balance on the mortgage and reinstate the loan, allowing me to pay the other things off later.  This is a major change.  The last two or three people patently refused to offer this as an option when requested.

Of course, I don't have an easy path.  I wasn't paying attention to my accounts and... while I have the money, it will be tight.  I guess I spent a bit more than I had thought.  Last time I checked I had a couple grand over that.  I must have... felt a bit too secure, so spent a bit much.  The thing is, one of my accounts is in Iowa still.  While I was able to draw the "savings" down, and over into checking (to the limit before I have to pay for having too little in the account).  The next part will take time.  I have to write a check for my local account, then wait for it to pass, THEN have certified (or whatever) check drawn and sent.  Bleh.

Other than the minimums which must remain in the accounts, that leaves me with enough to get gas and maybe do minor shopping if needed.  Nothing big, milk, maybe a few apples, just that sort of thing and only if really needed.  Thankfully I have meat in the freezers.  Oh, right, and I have a hog coming this month.  No problems.  I should be able to make my payments, and we'll work with the lawyer fees.  If need be, I do have some room on my credit card (only one card with anything on it, and I keep the limit to $2k).  There is a REASON to have meat in the freezer.

We'll see.  It looks like I might be staying around, at least for a while anyway.  I was hoping, if I leave, to leave on good terms.  If I do, this might buy the time to do that.  Well, and I won't have to just leave almost everything.  We will see.  I best try to get a shower, then get in to town to deposit that check... figure out how long it usually takes, and how much those certified checks (or whatever) cost.  Later.

This, that, and some other things.

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I was wondering why morning wake times, and some bedtimes, were becoming blurry again.  Ah-ha!  I added an half hour to the alarm, so when it went of this morning, at 5:00, it was actually 4:30.  That and internet time and the nuclear based broadcast time remain an quarter hour off from each other.  I am still not sure which one people go by, though I am guessing the nuclear time... as that is what my phone shows.  I guess MS, or the internet generally, or whatever, has become irrelevant enough that the time they show simply doesn't matter.  Though, it may be because of federal crap... if they want to "adjust" any news that gets out, or scrap the interwebs to hide a major event, that gives them time on top of time to scrub things.  Is it everybody else, or just my machine... and a few others?  That would be telling.

I am feeling better, just not more energetic.  It could be worse, a lot worse.  It could sure be better too.  At least, now, I realize, sometimes... without great need... all my attempts to push through will be for naught.  The people who are highly successful do no better.  They just learn how to have someone else, in teams, do almost everything, and they plan.  They learn to depend on other people almost completely... which means they are always at great risk.  It is cutting edge.  Further, beside failure, how often they hit the ball and that sooner or later leads to a score on the board, is still rare.  But with all else handled by others, they spend their time hitting the ball... to the exclusion of all else.  Trust me, I do understand.  I don't think most do.

What gets lost in the chase for success?  Everything.  If family gets in the way, it gets moved aside.  If morals or ethics gets in the way, those are set aside.  If anyone one or anything, from friends and mentors to nations, even rightly, attempt to interfere, as much as can be done, these things are sidestepped, blindsided, and taken down or out.  There was a time where I not only knew, but did so.  Not to the elite level, or for long, but...  Beside the losses accrued, it was this realization that, on top of else, ended me.  You really can have anything you want, you just have to be willing to take it.  Most people are sheep, are meek, won't see it coming.  If you want it, you can't even blink before pulling the trigger... literally or figuratively.

What is up with the news and blogging?  It is just politics, 24/7.  Not interested.  Then again, those news bits that seem unrelated?  Those have always been about trying to get you to rethink good honest notions.  Feel sorry for them?  Hate your own (if you are white)?  On it goes.  It isn't new.  But there have been times when news offered some actual content.  It's dead, on both sides, at this point.  So?  So I think I'll blog, at least until I am forced out, and read more books and game.  The internet itself is, now, just a political organ, and of globalists as it has been handed over.  If I end up going on the road, blogging will be left behind, most likely.

On to reading.  Or gaming?  Later.

Not much, at least yet?

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I did take a nap.  I don't know that it helped, though it didn't hurt.  Yeah, naps are a dangerous proposition, as far as function goes.  Sometimes they can wipe me out worse than if I didn't take one.  The thing is, I can't always tell that ahead of time.  And, what's worse, I may not have a choice.  Well, that was the case in the bad old days.  Things really have improved.  Even so, with so many decades of scraping by, suffering, and having to deal with seeming insane exhaustion, I always... worry.

I heard scraping.  As soon as I heard that, I started throwing clothes on, boots, turning on lights, and... they were gone before I had a chance.  I hadn't been paying attention to whether the snow had stopped.  Yeah, I had been watching it, even checked after my nap, the started gaming.  It had only been an hour or maybe two.  I am grateful.  I suspect who did it, but once in a while it is a different neighbor or group.  My mother used to lend us out, actually all of them did.  I wasn't keen on it as a kid.  Now, to be fair, a mom can't help.  But, I think, what helps with one of the neighbors anyway, is that the dad goes out with them.  Yeah, that's a good thing.  I am glad my mother had us help.  I didn't see it from that side then.  We didn't do this much either.  Still... we did our parts.

I have been eating popcorn quite often lately.  I thought, at $5~$6, a container of popcorn seemed... a bit expensive.  But, eating it as often as I do, and it filling a couple meals a day as a butter/fat transporter, I am surprised how long it really does last.  It is very cheap.  And, even if I salt it a little heavy from time to time, it is still a lot less salty that almost anything one would buy at the store.  Further, now that I am checking dates, I have found that while jolly-time is fine, the corn pops smaller.  Orville is better, with the larger popped corn.  Still, I like them both, now, as long as they are fresh.

I'll be calling tomorrow, to find out about the mortgage.  My mother will call and remind me.  So I best make sure the phone is charged.  Yeah, even at this point, or at least often enough, I might forget to call tomorrow without a reminder.  When every day is pretty much like every other day, getting delayed in doing something can see that project send skittering into a dark nowhere.  I don't know if I can do anything about the debt, or if I have a chance.  They were demanding it all, at once, and immediately.  I'll know more tomorrow.  Even the first of the month might be doable...  I just can't tell without knowing what the cost is.

Later.  Maybe good night.

A bit more snow.

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It is usually snowing, but it isn't as heavy as it looked.  The reports suggest one to three inches today, with only trace amounts tonight.  Now, what day and night is isn't exactly clear.  It doesn't look like there is much more than an inch down, so I don't want to hit it until later.  I don't think a trip to town is in the works.  I just don't want to push too much, and the dry cleaner might be closed by the time I removed snow and finally got into town, after whenever it stops snowing.  Some days pushing on through into the evening is fine, sometimes not.  Not really worth it if one of the shops might be closed.

I might take a short nap though.  Then do a bit of the work on the list.  Maybe, for any of it.  Later.

Snowing.

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I am not sure how much is supposed to fall.  It seems to be falling at a solid pace.  There is a solid blanket of snow down.  I'd best keep an eye on things.  I'm not feeling like it but I'll do it anyway.  I'd like to get to town today, but don't like leaving with the worry of coming home and having to drive through an inch of snow.  The tracks just turn into ice.  Salt will lift those, if there is enough sun or warmth, but not too much.

My pinkie is still rather rough.  Still swollen and the last quarter of the last knuckle has gone from that red speckled bloom to more of a rage purple color.  It is breaking up, it isn't as solid as it was.  I am surprised the signs of damage have lasted so long.  The swelling went down enough so that I could clip that fingernail, just barely and only a few days ago.  Some say to work over these little things.  But that isn't always possible.  I have been able to work around it, or through the pain.  But there have been times I could not use it.  Even now that comes and goes.  Though using it is the best way to heal, unless your healing capacity is completely shot.  My comes and goes, this was just a pretty serious crushing.

I am hoping to get mayonnaise made, then make ranch dressing.  I need to figure out some other dressings.  Sure, I like ranch.  And I can put a vinaigrette together in a short time, but those get old.  I am definitely hungry lately, but haven't been eating as I should.  I mixed hamburger and ground lamb last night.  I've got to tell you, I was extremely pleased with that mix.  I'll have to thaw something for the next few days.  I haven't been eating much, for a while, hungry or not.  It just isn't happening.

Later.

Awake early.

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Actually early?  I think I crashed early yesterday evening.  I never did get a nap taken.  Then carrying that exhaustion through the day so that I crashed, I suppose I was going to sleep longer.  It is earlier than what it has been though, waking at about 4:30... give or take, if that was a ten or eleven hour sleep.  Why do I bother writing this out?  I don't track these things, say, scientifically?  But I like to have some idea of how my life is running.  When I track it with my mind, and whether I can do that, then write it, I get some kind of handle of function, in a time local, and perhaps over time in a mid-term level.  It helps me keep up and keep a clear head by forcing me to try to remember and...  It's not for your consumption, this.  Just notes from and to the management.

Somethings are off.  But I haven't been doing right by things.  Actually, while my innards are a bit off, oddly it is noticeable because they have been so good for so long!  I just realized that.  I certainly won't complain about what amounts to minor complaints, now that I realized how well I have been doing.  Gosh, this last run, up to now, has been the most pain-free, regarding internals, I have ever known since first becoming ill!  Oh my.  I think my food choices, and ketosis, is the way for me!  I just need to stay on it.  I suspect the cinnamon rolls and milk overdose got to me.  All good, it's been a very long time since I have had a treat.  My keto numbers, according to the sticks, have been running between five and fifteen, even without fasting.  As to fasting, I think that would do a world of good, I just can't seem to get back on that wave.  I'll keep trying, especially now.

I'll keep the list from yesterday, and take a shot at what of it I can do.  Shower before all but waking.  Waking is simply brutal lately.  I never quite reach escape velocity for getting off my bum for longer than a few minutes.  It is literally as if gravity has increased for me... which just means I am weakened by something.  That could be a number of things, heart, diabetes, the organs I am feeling not doing their job or overdoing it, who knows.  I've been turning up the heat.  That just helps me stay comfortable, it doesn't really help me become more functional.  I'll keep at it, in mind if not body.

Good morning.

It hurts.

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I offer every scintilla of shame, failure, loss, and hurt over to God.  I don't do it with anger, or a form of shame, or with anything negative.  I do it with the most magnificent gratitude I can honestly muster.  For all the pain and all that is gone, I am thankful to have seen love, life, women, the world, and to realize there is more.  I am blessed in a bath, never-ending shower, of my own tears.

Cooked, baked, fried.

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Call it what you will.  I am zapped.  Could be stress.  Might be a number of things.  It is unusual.  Even though I have been down, this is down and then some.  Double, triple, or more, down.  I can barely keep my eyes open, as it has been all morning, yesterday, and for a bit before that I think.  I may take a nap shortly with hope that it might help me.

I did print out a return label.  And I keep the shirts that need to be picked up in my mind.  Today or tomorrow, I am almost sure, I will get those tended.  Much else perhaps not.  A shower, first, mind you.  I am toasted.

Nap time.  Yeah.  Later.