Better?

.

.

No, not... improved.  That it just hit 18:18?  Then again, it is 80 up in this front room.  81.5... actually... exactly.  Perhaps I just couldn't slip, couldn't shut down.  Not sure.

Blood sugar has been staying below 110 for the last few reads.  After the drop, and candy, I did take a bit more fast acting insulin.  Gee, since it is actually evening, I will take the slow acting insulin before bedtime.  Which... means... now, pretty much.

The wind is doing quite a thing out there.  Or, from time to time.  And it is still a good deal overcast out there.  Not sure what all it has been doing, though it seems to have been a darker day.  I... just... haven't been active enough to check, nor available enough to the world to remember when I did look.

Strangely, the rest of the house is 72?  Just this front room is so warm.  Sleep should be pleasant.  Goodnight.

Oh really?

.

.

I... just... noticed.  There... was a draw to see.  So... I looked.

I have to tell you...  Well, no I don't.  I'll show you.

Deja Vu

.

.

Better or worse?  Stacked, or serial, not parallel?  Right.

A more reasonable night?

.

.

I has been 48 since about midnight?  Give or take.  At least by four?  Definitely by then.  It had been around 58 at 22:30 or so?  I just can't remember.  Exactly.  I have checked several times.  It was 58 for the early part of the night, dropping ten degrees, then holding.  It may be warming, oddly, as it really looks  to be 49 now.  Unusual for it to warm this early, but... temps aren't always for nominal local reasons.  Perhaps warmer weather is coming through?  I just don't know.

Still, at 48, it's... warmer?  Such a strange thing to write in the middle of June.  And, yet, there it is.  I suppose I knew.  Saw it coming.  But, still...

Blood sugar dropped down to 56.  It... really shouldn't have.  I have been eating regularly.  And, if not heavily, well within reason.  I had taken a fast acting dose, but two meals and a snack before measuring that last time.  I did a read, between, and that was 103.  I started to feel a bit tight, couldn't believe it would be blood sugar, so tested... less than an hour after a fatted coffee, meal, and snack right before!  Ugh.  I have had a few candies.  It's the only thing I have that can handle that low of a reading in any kind of reasonable time.

Still, while feeling a bit tight, I didn't feel terrible.  I'll have another coffee and that will be that.  After coffee, a shower.  Then on to some of the work I hoped to to.  I hope.  I have the windows open, and opened the front door a crack through the morning.  Pleasant.  Just closed the door now, as it is cooling.

Have you ever dreamed of fighting demons?  Just curious.  Daydreamed?  They can't, it seems, be killed.  But they can have their forms removed, or their spirits repatriated to where they belong.  Well, not saying I can do that, or even that for sure.  Merely implying the way things worked in the dreams.  A priest, if he is honest and wishes it, can do so spiritually.  But they don't deal with demons in flesh very well at all.  Makes me wonder... some things...

Well... on to something or other.  Coffee, was it?  Right.  Then a shower and such.

Awake for a while.

.

.

Not moving quickly.  Not at all, really.  Blood sugar was 179 fasting, in spite of eating so little yesterday.  And, generally, for the last week.  It doesn't make sense.  Still, I'll keep at it.  I think I have missed medicine.  So will get back on it.  Missing a dose a day for the last two days?  Something like that.

It is from 72 to 70 in the house, here and there.  Outside it is 58.  So I opened up most of the house again.  Funny when just in the 70s makes it feel stuffy?  Yea, but true.  Hopefully the place cools just a bit.  Too, fresh air is good.  It seems, perhaps, as if it might be hitting the 80s and probably 90s soon, if not already?  I can't be sure what the temp got to today.  Though I don't think it would have been much over the 80s, and then only if it was partly cloudy?  If it had gotten to 90, the upstairs would have been a lot warmer.  Almost certain of it.  Though... things are strange of late.  Just going by typical expectations from the past.

I think the warmth is good.  It might allow me to wake a bit more, better, fuller.  I'm not quite there, but headed that way.  I am going to make an attempt to do things tonight.  No, I haven't been stuck gaming.  I haven't been able to play games.  Can't... focus.  I haven't been able to even watch movies.  Even y.t. has pretty much died.  I just click, on nothing, and... that is that.  

The Statler Brothers used to sing a song... part of the chorus... "Counting flowers on the wall, that don't bother me at all; Playing solitaire 'til dawn, with a deck of fifty one..."  For him, it was a woman.  For me?  Just the way things are.  He is heartbroken, I merely have a broken heart.  Two... very different things.  Still, looks like it ends in nearly the same place, at times.  Still, I'm struggling to find my way out.  I don't think the tunes' main was.

I did receive the package, on order.  Can't tell if the fluid is any good, but should work.  However, the packages of o-rings was much better than I had hoped.  Can't tell how many are there, and numbers given often mean nothing.  Same with sizes.  Between the language barrier, is the reality barrier.  What is represented is very rarely what is offered.  In this case, as well as I can tell, I think I got more than promised, and not of inferior quality.  It isn't gold plated, but that wouldn't have been an upgrade.  There are enough, and in enough sizes, and in both SAE and metric, to please probably even an engine mechanic, or even a general mechanic or mechanical general type.  Oh, and the smell.  If you have ever been a machinist type... you... learn to love that smell.  It's the physical engineers version of the new car smell.  Not just one smell, but fresh o-rings, some gaskets, clean grease, right oil... almost want to bath in it, after ripping through old, dirty, stinky, nasty.  Something wonderful about fresh and new mechanical smells.  Like... Christmas, or napalm in the morning, or... her after a roll in the hay.  Yum.

Still, that is in.  I'll hope to get to that before long.  I'll have to figure out which is the fill and which is the bleed buttons or boltholes, how to get in.  But... it... shouldn't be a major undertaking or effort.  Just... to get to it.

A shower, after I get some coffee... and maybe breakfast.  Trash out, after.  Dishes started.  Laundry given a go.  Litter boxes cleared.  Fresh water for Sassy, and waterers reset.  Ugh.  I will try.  And, if I can get that going, maybe the jack tomorrow, and putting up the hammock and tarp?  Maybe.  I'll... do what I can.  In... a bit.  Coffee first.  Later.

Mom got out of jail!

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.

Covid jail.  They had her, and the others with covid, in isolation.  I caught her just as she was getting to her room.  She got a lot of hugs on her return.  Quite good news.  She is pleased as punch.  Her lunch arrived, so it was time to go.

They have been having nights in the 50s and  60s, days in the 90s.  Pretty much what we usually have.  And we discussed the flooding, at Yellowstone.  She had heard of it.  Keeps up.  Reminded me, to a degree, of the flooding near Estes Park, in Colorado.  We were in that canyon, the day before.  Couldn't find a place to stay, though, they were all booked up.

I think the place we had been hoping to stay was gone.  Or... that's how the story goes.  Sometimes mom gets it right, sometimes... she stretches... sometimes I do.  But... that is as best as I remember it.  And, actually, I really do think the place I remember did look like the pics of a place that was destroyed.  Some days bad luck is very good luck?  Then again, dying young, healthy, innocent... has... it's place?

Blood sugar is back down a bit, to 117.  I should be finished with food for the day.  A bit of water would be good.  It is up to 68 outside and inside, so quite nice, really.  Just about bedtime.  Waiting for the delivery of the parts and fluid to work on the lift-jack.  I won't do that today, but... I would like to get the package in.

It might be tough, difficult, sleepy, weary, tiring.  I am behind, lame, discombobulated, and such.  Still, as with my mom, and many of you, and others, in whatever state we find ourselves, I... am glad for the opportunity.  I'll keep trying, keep at it, or enjoy the rest until I can get to it.  I don't have to be happy about any of it, but, to be honest, I... am.

That which breaks my balls, makes me stronger... or weakens or humbles me as necessary.  Successes are some of the little I have to offer God.  They are His, anyway.  I'm not surrendering that which is mine.  If I am too sleepy, and must rest?  Who doesn't enjoy rest, when needed?  I... might not be able to win, not here, in this world.  But I don't have to lose.  Fact?  I can't lose, if the hope offered me, faith entrusted to me, and charity living in me are simply allowed, tended as possible.  I might not get lucky enough to be a martyr, but in some small ways, we all are every day.  This world tries to take it away, everything, constantly.  Odd that.  I think the death by a thousand thousand cuts is worse than some of the quicker ways, seen in the correct light.  But, it's all good.  Amen.

Just to 37.

.

.

Outside.  It may have dipped to 36 earlier, I can't... I checked... I just can't remember.  Amazingly cool out there.

A few hours after breakfast, blood sugar was up to 143.  Not sure why.  Still, another fatted coffee, a bit more insulin, and probably on to bed before too long.

I keep looking for something, something I can't seem to find, online.  Mostly just not sleeping while wanting to sleep.  If, too, not being able to sleep.  Insomnia, of a more minor sort.  It could be worse.  It... could be better.  It is, for now, what it is.

I keep watching things in what passes for news.  Biden complaining to bigoil about them not altering reality and just printing oil.  He made the rules.  They told him they can't do what he doesn't allow them to do.  They gave him a list of things to do, if he actually wants things to change.  Though, warned him, no matter what?  They can't just print oil.  It would, even if he does, or undoes, what would be necessary?  It won't be cheaper gasoline tomorrow.  Much easier to shut off supplies, close pipeline construction, and end and deny leases than it is to turn everything back on, get things pumping, and even creating production capacity where needed.  Years.  Decades at this point.  Not happy about it, myself, but I knew this.  Then again, so did he.  He is just trying to hide his malfeasance behind reality.  Meh.  Still, it was funny.  I wasn't sure what they were going to do, when he demanded they begin printing oil.  They... did the smart thing, the honest thing.

Lots of other news, in similar veins.  Though, to be honest, the 75 rate jump?  I laughed.  For what they suggest they want, that... won't even get the attention of the conductors to start changing anything.  If they had, really, hit 150, or 300?  Okay, that... would be a beginning.  This?  This will just, if anything, cause bad actors to puncture more tires, to try to force the feed back into more qe, while lowering those points.  They... are going to, otherwise, completely ignore the fed.  Whatevs.  But, yes, I had to laugh.  To be honest, I don't think the fed CAN do what is necessary.  So?  So we will chug along until the wheels fall off, the engine explodes, or whatever.  We will all end up in the ditch, scalded by the steam, with no way to do anything, but begin looking for food around us.  Meh.

Still not sure what is happening in the Ukraine, if it looks like Russia is, mostly, winning.  That they should have been done a month ago, or two?  Not so good.  Whatever.  I keep waiting for long range weapons, sent by the US and other NATO, to be used across the border, and to have a tactical nuclear response.  And, yes, he said it, he meant it.  And, fair enough.  But, I doubt if it will be the Ukraine, or JUST the Ukraine, to be hit.

Some suggest, as with chess, that Russia is great at some things.  The truth is, chess isn't enough for war, or isn't even a good analog for war thinking.  As a former KGB lead, he isn't into subtlety either.  He was put in power for specific reasons, and not by Russians.  Certainly not initially.  That he has become his own man?  Or has he?  Don't believe anything you see, or they say.  Still, it is what it is, where it is.

There is some hope he will finish, wind up, and thing will be sorted.  I think, at this point, it is the US, NATO, and the EU who have become the sticking point.  I hate to see the Ukraine ripped off, but that was the game being played by the West.  Neocons and Democrats wanted a war.  Did they think they would win?  Whatever.  They have lost, it's just a matter of how badly, how much, and how quickly.  Remember those quarter slot machines?  You were sure you could get the whole pot, or even just more than you put in, but it never worked?  There you go.  They lost everything.  Though, with Biden, and everything he does and touches?  I think that is the point.  He is a destroyer.  A little one, but... definitely a destroyer.  Who knows though.  He might be lucky, and get a few nations in Europe nuked.  He... wouldn't do a thing about it, either.  More ice cream?  No fear of brain freezes, so why not.

Yea.  I... keep watching.  And chuckling.  This isn't going well, here, there, anywhere.  At least we aren't quite as bad as Afghanistan.  How many Americans are still stuck there?  Though... how many of those were even real Americans?  Have you noticed, no one is asking any questions about anything to do with that?  None.  The Biden effect.  Later.

No idea.

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.

I know things I want to do.  I know how to do them.  I just... haven't figured out how to start doing them.  Or, well, I have.  It just doesn't work out.  To do something, you start doing it.  To complete that task, you keep doing it until it is done.  As is, I can start something.  I simply don't know how to not forget what I am, or was, doing.  Then find myself sitting in front of the computer, looking for things, or nothing.

I did check blood sugar.  It is 124 or was five minutes ago?  Seems like an hour ago, or hours, but the time stamp on the device and the clock, and comparing the current time on the device with the clock... shows five minutes.  Anyway, so, 124 after a meal and a small dose of insulin.  I was careful with the dose, so I didn't expect it to be that low.  I thought it would be closer to 150.  No complaint, just a bit of a surprise.  It means I can, in a bit, have something to eat without worry.  Mostly.

I did have a chia and hemp heart cereal.  That and a fatted coffee, plus four turkey meat sticks.  They are only 70 calories per.  And with what else I eat, or don't, I just don't mind a couple of handfuls of those a day.  Some days all I have is, say, eight of those and two fatted coffees.  Though, some days, I just have the coffees, or a chicken or beef bullion, fatted, and with protein powder at times.  Though, sometimes, that hasn't been enough.  So, a can of beans and mushrooms, or several cans of veggies, or meat.  I'll need to thaw some, again.

I keep trying to get going and I keep failing.  So tired.  Sleepy, even, now.  I may have another fatted drink, take a shower, and get on to bed again?  It is 70 in the front room, if cooler elsewhere.  It is 67 everywhere else... so not bad.  Oh, and 38 outside, for now.  It may cool more, again.  Another freeze?  Maybe.  Crazy.

Actually, I am setting up a pot of veggies again.  This time with mushroom soup, low carb type.  They are, finally, making keto food that is edible and functions as it is supposed to.  Just because it has "keto" written on it means nothing.  Often less than nothing.  Actually, I look for foods which just have what I need.  Avoiding the selling points.  Companies are pretty much criminally negligent in advertising.  I wonder how much of what they are doing is specifically known to be unhealthy.  I mean, they put stuff in they know, chemically, will cause health issues and death, on purpose.  Proving that would be difficult, if mostly because the courts are bought and sold at this point.  Then again, so is medical... from doctors to researchers.

Should be tasty.  Everything I am putting in has been looked over and passed muster, as far as I can tell.  If, still, I try to keep eating out of cans as rare as possible.  From carbs to fats, adding where needed, to checking blood sugar after the meal, and a few other things.  It's as good as I can do, especially on days like today, when doing even that is pushing it.

Thursday?  Well, just turned.  Though it is already 03:20, so I guess not as fresh as first thought.  I have been losing track of days lately, hours, everything.  I'm doing my best, checking the clock and calendar.  It just isn't sticking.  As much of a curse such a thing is, there is a blessing to it as well.  It is nice to not have to shove through, get to this, go there, do that, over and over and over and seemingly without cause or purpose, save to make enough money to put gas in the tank, buy clothes to be presentable (enough) wherever you present, and eat, sometimes even buying something neat, or going somewhere different, but being so tired that it's all a blur.

I remember those days.  Submarine life was the worst, but I remember much of it.  It was only after that, when things fell apart, that I started losing memory.  If that was so bad that I lost memory of some of what came before.  I did enjoy submarine duty.  When I was healthy, I... did well.  I was constantly learning, fixing, doing, going, teaching, testing out.  I was even learning things I wasn't... supposed to learn.  Being investigated for more.  The world had opened up.

I still do that, some of it, what is open and possible.  But so little of it is physical, hands on.  I... I need more of that.  I will see about it.  But it might just not be possible.  Too close to death.  Later.

Twenty two hundred.

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Exactly, when I woke.  I roused several times, earlier, but really wanted to sleep longer.  My actual goal was 22:00.  So, when I stirred, again, and saw the clock, I was pleasingly impressed.  With myself?  To some small and strange degree, yes.  And, it was just 11 seconds after, so... I could literally be up before it was 22:01.  So, I got up, right then.

A minor headache.  Hopefully it will pass before long.  All else seems fine.  Save, as usual, the exhaustion which haunts every single step I take, thing I do, and intention.

It was 67 near me, the bedside, floor height, alarm with a thermometer read that.  The other one, near the middle to far side of the room, at waist height, read 64.  Downstairs everything is reading 67.  Windows are open upstairs, not downstairs, and the door was shut.  Outside it is 48.  Wow.

Without eating for four hours, if blood sugar was going up toward the end anyway... if I took 12 cc's of fast acting insulin, though without food or drink (maybe that is the problem?), blood sugar is 176 fasting.  That is stupid.  But... it is what it is.  The weekly average is 124.  That is sort of stuck in the 120s, and has been since it fell into the 120s about a week ago.  From 123 to 127, and everywhere between, it seems.  Not sure why it isn't lowering.  I suppose that isn't terrible, but it's not great.  Especially as little as I am eating.  Almost no carbs, and few calories.  Well, I guess I did have black beans the other night, last night?  I... can't remember.  Recently.

Water is heating, for a fatted coffee.  But, then, I want chia breakfast.  Not sure which blend, but I think I will forego flax seed.  Two tablespoons of ground chia and one tablespoon of hemp hearts?  Two of that latter as well?  Something like that.  I need to get something going for my lips, chapstick?  Oh, I think I have better stuff.  For whatever reason, my lips are dry as death, cracking, beginning to bleed.  I have no idea why.

Hmm...  I am drinking less, and drinking mostly r.o. water.  I do have a bottle of perrier, from time to time, but more like a few a week, rather than a few a day.  I try to drink two quarts of r.o. water a day, probably should drink more?  Yea, maybe.  But, for now, lip balm as I attempt to increase my fluid intake.  I hate that everything I do has to be planned and implemented.  I would guess most people just... live.  Do.  I have to make conscious efforts, even to go the the bathroom regularly.  At least number one.  I have to remember that I have to go, and check.  Or I build up fluid.  It is a difficult life, to have some things which should be automated relegated to manual controls.  Even eating, drinking.  My body isn't... aware.  I have to be actively conscious of these things.  Be glad you... have an active body.

Oh, well, on to coffee, then breakfast.  Perhaps a few painpills.  The headache is shrill, unusually sharp.  Nothing else seems to be of issue, but that headache is a persistent thorn.  I've had much worse, in ways.  But this is so... intense, for as minor as it is.  Later.

Noon.

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.

And, finally, bedtime.  The package was delivered.  Amazing.

Outside, it has just hit 60.  It feels warmer?  No, probably just having turned the furnace up, I am warmed, so less susceptible to the cool.  I have turned the furnace off, as I don't need it for sleep.  Though, if it is cold, again, this evening, I will turn it on when I wake.  I simply can't function well when it gets to the mid 60s in here, or lower.

Blood sugar is up to 146.  So I'll have a small snack of some sort, then take a small fast acting dose.  Slow acting has already been taken.  I take that in the late afternoon, early evening, whichever is possible, as close to those as possible.  Perhaps 10 cc's, maybe 12.  It has been an excellent day for blood sugar.  Though, not sure why four hours, with nothing but water, would cause it to go up.  Bleh.

Not bad.  Still having to push through to days.  The cold has reversed the direction I am able to go, or completely undone what I had done, but so far in the other direction as to have made up for that... lapse?  Something like it.  I'll... keep trying.  If heave does work, than hoe will?  God knows I'm giving it my all, if nothing seems to be getting where it should be.  I'll... keep trying.

God bless and goodnight.  I'm going to dream of a wife, in just the right ways.  Perhaps a couple of kids, or handful, or more?  Well... that seems to have been what has been on my mind for the last few days, strangely.  Not sure why, but I have enjoyed the thoughts, imaginings, perhaps even possibilities.  I'm not well, but I'm not dead yet either.  Goodnight.

Nearing bedtime.

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.

Well, who can ever tell.  This close yet that far, with no certainty.

Blood sugar is still very good, strangely.  Last I checked, it was 114.  So... I had another fatted coffee and some more turkey meat sticks.  That will be it, save water.  I can't quite figure out why some days, having just two fatted coffees, sum total, and blood sugar goes up.  Some days, like today, blood sugar is staying absolutely level.

I checked the package.  It was taken to the local ups location, and is said to be on it's way out currently, but from there.  Okay.  Still, odd that it would claim to be out, while in transit.  Another package arrived in SLC a bit before it, but was not expedited.  No... worries.  One package was supposed to be here today, one tomorrow.  Just, that, if one would make it, odd that both didn't.  Perhaps there are varying levels of priority?  While I do get packages late (rare for ups), I do get them early, too.  So... don't know.  

Though, it seems, lately, getting them early doesn't happen as often.  It's as if that is now frowned upon.  Thought... something strange is going on in the systems.  Not sure what, but... can tell.  Fuel costs, fewer buyers, lots of things are in the works, changing.  I honestly don't know how much longer things will hold up.  More the aftereffects of running so hot, for so long.  Though, if consumption has truly collapsed?  And with diesel and gasoline prices?  Yeah.  We will see.  

Though, to be honest, if amazon fails?  Your local grocery, hardware, and else will fail harder.  This could get ugly in ways no American has even imagined in their lifetime.  And globally?  Cannibalism.  For those not prepared.  Being vegan isn't preparation, merely making yourself an easier target.  They go after the slower ones, or catch them first.  

I'm serious.  This could get ugly in ways you would never want to see.  You?  How much food do you have, exactly?  And, what would you do for food, if your usual sources stopped being available?  How long would it take you?  Have you... ever starved?  I have.  I know.  I know how to deal with starvation.  Do you?  I promise you, if you have never starved before?  (Not eating for reasons out of your control = starvation, over a period of several weeks, though without certainty of when that will end)  You... will change.  It is like being held underwater.  Initially, you might struggle a bit.  But, if you begin to panic, you may well kill for air... or food.  Trust me.  Especially if this is your first rodeo.  And, once you begin killing, you... will live to kill.  Can't change that.  Thankfully, I... learned control.  More by accident, incident.  Well, and that I had food available, just no means of cooking it.  So, it... was a bit different.

I am just hoping, when this cleans up, those who created this mess... for a false pandemic, to the vaxxes, to the food shortages, are rounded up, tried, and hung.  We will see.  Perhaps there is some sort of fix, quicker than most think.  But... I don't think so.  Just fuel prices, but that adds to food prices, has to.  Plus businesses going down, first the small locals, now the bigs and probably government.  And that all is assuming there isn't a nuclear exchange... which I don't.

Panic?  Too late, too little, wouldn't help.  Just... get ready, if you can.  The worst that could happen is... nothing.  And, you would have food for a bit, until food prices stabilize.  Might get killed for it, but... perhaps... even then?  Maybe your food would keep someone from killing even more people.

Thoughts for the day, I guess.  Later.

How is that possible?

.

.

Oh, a shipment through amazon.  It started out at West Deptford, NJ, at 15:28, then hit Philadelphia, PA at 18:03.  I then left that facility at 22:24.  It arrived at Louisville, KY at 00:13.  It was slated to arrived today.  I realized, at that point, actually when I saw where it was being loaded, that there was no way it was going to make it today.

Which, generally, is fine.  Usually they do a super job.  I hate complaining, but some of their deliveries can be really off.  Or, get delivered to the wrong place.  Not, around here, most but FedEx.  Still, even they have improved.  Mostly.  Anyway, so... since I was up, and don't have a lot I can do, I... checked in, from time to time.

Then:

Rockford, IL in at 1:28, out at 2:15.  

Salt Lake City, UT, in at 04:57, out... for delivery at 05:00?  Hmm?

I have never seen them deliver from Salt Lake City before.  Well, FedEx used to do that, from North Salt Lake City.  And, sometimes, minor carriers.  But not UPS.  Now I am dying to see if it gets here, today.  Oh, well, the packages from FedEx did all, finally, in the end, make it.  All good.  Saves me a lot of hassle.  

-------

Some other strange things?  It was 34 out, last I looked.  But the sun has been up for an hour, two?  No, at just 06:49, maybe a bit over an hour?  A bit to an half, maybe?  Something like that.  Anyway... so, I was thinking it has probably warmed.  A quick check, and?  And... no.  Not only has it not warmed, it has cooled.  It is below freezing out there!  It is 31.  Wow.  Glad I closed things up and turned the furnace on.  Who would have thought that I would have needed to turn the furnace on, to 72, in June!  Well, other than me.  I knew it, I just... knowing and living something like this isn't... the same thing.  :p

Further, blood sugar has been wonderful today.  Starting out a bit high, at 172, I had a carby (beans) meal, and a dose.  Not... a big dose.  But enough to cover the beans and higher reading.  Next it hit 112.  And, given some time, I had a bit more to eat and drink.  Now, after that, and time... several hours... it is 98.  Perfect.  Though I will probably have something else yet this morning.  A bit of coffee and a few more meat sticks.  Just... to be careful.

Well... nothing done.  But... I am still alive.  Eating, dosing, trying, thinking.

It's what I can do.  Still grasping for more, just not connecting.  Good day, maybe goodnight.  I... just... don't know.  

Trying.

.

.

I did make some coffee.  I also prepared food, and ate it.  Nothing fancy.  Quite plain, simple, yet filling.  As well, I turned the furnace on, if just to 72.  It had fallen to 63 in the house... with the windows shut.  Save for upstairs windows, though with that door shut, so the cool remains up there.  The front room has risen, for that, from 66 to 68.  Though that may merely be for having downstairs windows shut, the door to upstairs closed, and me and the machine here, warming the place.

I haven't gotten any insulin in.  Will, shortly.  Nor have I worked.  Nor, most likely, will I work.  As a fact, I think I will have another fatted coffee, insulin, medicine, and go on to bed.  I simply have no capacity for more.  So tired.  A bit of an headache.  Hungry, a bit, beyond.  Meat sticks?  Yes, that may well do.  Nothing fancy, but... good.  At 70 calories per, no carbs, mostly fat with some protein, turkey based, they are tasty enough.

Becoming sore.  Not sure why.  Weather changes?  Hmm, no.  That usually isn't what gets me.  Just health waxing or waning.  Even getting better, sometimes improving health can cause suffering.  You don't live on the frontier of death without costs.  It's more like living on a border which changes under you.  One moment, for no cause of your own, or action, or inaction, you are on the side of life.  The next moment, the border has shifted, under you, and I find myself on death's side.  Sometimes the shift goes mostly unnoticed.  Sometimes, though, it hurts.  Either way.

At least God has given me the grace to simply pray, and thank Him for allowing me to see and do things most can't, probably wouldn't, maybe shouldn't, but certainly wouldn't appreciate.  Once I learned to see, I appreciate now what a gift it is to know the difference.  A little tight, at times.  And, yet, a grace.  A terrible grace.  A gift beyond the ability of many to even receive, endure, and learn to enjoy.

I think others have known more, or worse.  If... they didn't seem to manage it as well.  The cost, for some, is quite high.  Though, oddly, I see that, in some smaller way, even the one I will discuss learned to enjoy life beyond the treason of and within it.  I have, of course, freedoms she did not... for what all that sometimes accounts anything else.  The freedom to live without the ability to stand is... not as it might seem.  Still, it... is what it is.

Can't wake well.

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The cool, I am sure, is most of it.  If I think just the way of the weather, too.  Difficult to pull my brain out of the sleepiness it seems stuck within.  If medicine is still, probably, a part of it.  I'll get some coffee, then chia and other seed breakfast going after.  I am thinking chia and hemp heart, skipping flax this time.

After I warm a bit, and have fed, I'll see about getting some work started.  Having a very difficult time just keeping up on chores and litter.  Food, for myself, and Sassy, and her water, I... do okay.  The rest is difficult.  Even just being awake, even when it was warming.  I just want to sleep.  Or... drowse through near wakefulness.  Want?  No, not want.  More am stuck doing.  

I WANT to get the hammock up and go goof in it, locally at first.  I WANT to clean the house up, and get organized.  I WANT to go for walks, and hiking on paths.  I WANT to go shopping, grocery and price checking some things.  No, I don't want to be drowsy all the time.  I just don't know how to stop being so.  My body my want it, I don't.

Anyway.  I'll get something warm in.  Then, maybe dress more warmly.  Perhaps turn the furnace up.  I may have to surrender on that.  See if work is possible yet tonight.  Good evening, or maybe goodnight, if you are going on to bed.  Hmm...  Then again, if I eat and warm, and there is nothing going, I may go on back to bed as well.  Later, or goodnight, for your, my, or both our parts.

Trying to sort things.

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Not exactly sure when I went to bed.  It was after noon.  The last number, I saw, on the clock, for certain... I think... was 12:48?  12:38?  One of those.  Though that isn't necessarily when I went to bed, though could be.  Could be up to three hours later, if probably at the most.  I woke at around 21:30?  Give or take.

While sleeping, toward the end of the sleep, I had to close the window nearest me.  Gusts were coming in.  COLD gusts.  Brutal.  Woke me right up.  The first few I thought were freaks, covered up better, and tried to ignore.  After several, and several, then three right in a row, I sorted out the mechanics of moving and shutting the window.  Oh my word is that wind cold!  No number of blankets would work against it.  Not any blanket I have ever owned.

Sassy came up, about then, maybe half an hour later... to let me know it was time to wake.  I gave her some petting and scratching, gently and pleasantly.  Telling her how wonderful she is.  She is such a pleasant little pot belly with genie eyes.  Anyway... gave her some good feelz, love, and cooing.  Asked if she was hungry, got her rousing meow cheer, so got up.

It's 65 up front, starting out, and 63 or cooler in the rest of the house.  I finally closed the windows.  Checked outside, where it is 44, but windy, sometimes gusting.  I have refused to turn on the furnace, and unless it drops to the 50s in here, I probably won't.  Hard to believe I even wrote that it got to 34, let alone that it is already 44 before 22:00!  In the middle of June.  Even if I knew it would do that, it doesn't change the fact that it DID do that.  Knowing isn't fact, until it is.

Today?  I have no idea.  But I want to try to get to work.  I'll... dress a bit more warmly, wear warm socks, two layers, and try to do a few things.  Dishes, some laundry, cleaning in the kitchen and bathroom, and waterers.  

Blood sugar is 174, for not good reason.  But, with sleep being weird, I'm not even certain that is a fasting blood sugar.  I'll get some food, and insulin, plus slow acting, in.  It was 127 when I last drew, well after my last meal.  Oh well, I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I finally got to chores.

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One of the rabbits has escaped.  The door, and latch, were always sketchy.  Not much to do about it, but say a little prayer and hope he does well.  The rest were fed and watered.  And, I have waterers set up for one more go.  I'll try to get the others reset before tomorrow.  I do what I can.

I also got a shower in.  Always nice.  Still strange how little, or rarely, I really need a shower.  And, yet, if I could, I would take one daily.  Clean!  Love it.

Blood sugar, after another meal, is at 126.  I... guess that is good enough.  I definitely won't take any more insulin.  I haven't had insulin all night, save for an initial minor dose, plus the slow acting.  Meals have been small, light.  The last one was just chicken bullion, with two tablespoons of cream and a tablespoon of butter.  Fairly calorie dense, but being a third of what I have consumed for the day, or more, it's... fine.

It's just past noon.  It is partly cloudy.  And it is still on the cooler side, having just reached 54 F.  I checked three times, to make sure.  So be it.  But, yes, cool.

An item I had thought lost, in the mail, arrived.  Plus another item, for stored goods... a large pail of salt.  I have better sea salt, but this will do for table salt.  It is a sea salt too, just not of the higher quality.  The good sea salts are in smaller packs.  This one is about 30 pounds.  I'd like to get one or two more.  Trade, if nothing else.  But salt is a required nutrient.  Where are you going to get salt if the trucks stop running?  I'm sure, probably, there are somewhat local mines?  But who is going to work those?  Yea, buy some extra salt.  At least to get you through to a conversion system.

Oh, and vinegar.  Just white vinegar.  A generic brand I trust, at less per two gallons than my store sells it for one, delivered.  Not really shorting my store as saving my back.  Four more, I ordered four last month, opened one.  A good thing to have on hand.  Was supposed to receive something else, but FedEx seems to... be totally lost.  It says it is out for delivery, somewhere in Iowa.  It only took them a week to get the wasp spray here, after it, too, was "delivered".  *sigh*  New math?

It looks like I might be pushing around to days the normal way after all?  I can't seem to run it backwards.  Though, with the cool, then heating, the cold, I'm sort of being tossed around like a cork ship in a hurricane.  Oddly, I just don't seem to be able to sink.  All good.  I'll pray for God's will to be done, and not worry an iota otherwise.  Besides... it's... sort of... interesting.  I lead a very interesting life.  Have met very interesting people.  Seem to collect them?  Not on purpose.  I like boring people.  I just... don't know any.  *grins*

Be well.  Have a great day.  Pray if you find wisdom in telling the Almighty hello, work if you can, rest if you must.  I shall be sleeping shortly.  After a quick prayer.  Where... am I?  Who am I?  I... am tired.  Later, much later, and probably goodnight, and day.

Well?

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No colder outside, at 34.  But it is sure getting cooler indoors.  It reads, in the main, 63.  But that is with the lamp nearby.  I'm guessing it it closer to a flat 60 in most of the cave, 68 near the machine, with me, the computer, and a lamp, cloistered and behind a door curtain.

I got the waterers, the ones needed, refilled.  So, shortly, I'll get out for chores.  A shower before I go, to warm up?  I can hope.

On the gooder side, as well, blood sugar was 106.  Food gently lifted it from 90.  I'm having, three hours later, a fatted coffee... for warmth and fats... well, and caffeine.  Very light eating, all in all.  Keeping it under 1k, or thereabouts.  I still doubt if I will lose weight, but... it isn't about that, at this point.  More a money thing.  After cutting to 1500 or less, I realized almost nothing I will do will cause me to lose weight.  My body is what it is, at this point.  Strange, though, that I didn't gain weight while eating more.  I don't seem more, or less, active, over the various consumption plans.  Meh.

Has anyone heard that in S. America, they eat gerbils?  I've seen gerbils, but never seen them that big, mind you.  It must be a specific breed?  Anyway, I was thinking of that, last night, and so went to see about it.  If they were still doing it.  I thought I had heard they were.  But, at one time, that was a common food.  I am not sure if it is still common, but... it is still, in some places, a meal that is available.  I... can't help thinking about a food, when I hear about it.  I am not sure I will ever get down there.  Or raise some for food here.  But... I can think about it.  Better than chicken, they say.  There is very little I wouldn't at least try.  Grub, if you can believe it.  Wasn't impressed, or particular disappointed.  Better than earthworms, or any I had been dared to eat as a child.  Meh.  Perhaps, though, I wasn't hungry enough?  

Still, I pleased those with whom I dined.  They giggled like children.  Was it at my bravery, or timidity?  Was it because I broke my people's seeming taboo, or joined in their culture?  Or... some mix.  They looked down their nose up to us?  Yes.  Strange people, who hated us and yet wanted to love us.  We terrified them, disgusted them, yet... there was something else.  Distant kin.  Wanted to understand, and be understood.  I... we... resembled those remarks.  

Or... was it just a dream?  It doesn't feel like that.  It feels... real.  Can smell the village, people... even when clean... foods... women.  A fond disgust.

Anyway... cold.  Coffee is helping.  Food next?  I don't know.  Eggs would be good.  Do I have a pan I could use?  Hmm...  Maybe some spam, too?  It's not delicious, but it's not bad, always.  I have slim packs, so don't have to open a complete tin, of spam.  Too much.  Seen where some boil it, then fry it.  But that sounds like a bit much.  Just thinking.  Later, or goodnight.

More unusual, and more.

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With blood sugar high, a moderate dose and a meal.  With no meat thawed, or left remaining cooked... I just added green beans, peas, and mushrooms again.  That and a fatted coffee.  With butter, after, it was quite good.  Even filling, or filling enough.  As well, in time, a can of sardines and two keto crackers.  Seemed all reasonable.

Finally, two hours after food, blood sugar is down to 90.  Not a terrible number, but... a bit lower than I like to leave it off.  So, two small fruit cups.  Hopefully that will do it well enough, maybe?

The front room is 70, with me and the machine?  Seemed odd.  the rest of the house seems to be 66, if... I think it feels cooler?  So, I checked outdoors.  Wow.  It reads 34!  What... month and day?  June 14th?  That is absolutely crazy, weatherwise.  Refreshing, I'll assure you.  But... this is...  Then again, it is as I have suggested.  And, next year, and the next fifty?  Cooler, colder?  Maybe.  Maybe the next four hundred years, thousand?  My blind eyes see many years as such, if with bumps and hiccups.  Still, just because my own blind eyes see such, having my worldly eyes see the proof is a whole other thing.

I still wonder what will happen when northerners move into equatorial areas.  Not out of want, out of need.  Not sure if I will survive to see it, but, I do see it.  It... won't be a gentle request.  Or even friendly request.  Or... a request at all.  I guess they will know what it is to have aggressive foreigners as neighbors.  Should be interesting to see if tech or numbers will win out.  Not really being contested, here, currently.  But when the space is much reduced, that will be the question.

Probably won't be my problem.  If I am still here, and alive, I would be left behind.  As would many old, ill, weak.  But, my guess, is behind closed doors?  Those numbers and figures and statistics are being run.  What would make a win more likely is being sought, and attempted to be implemented, there... and here.  Europe is gone.  Is being allowed to be ruined.  America?  The elites are looking out for themselves, directly, in the moment.  That is all.  The rest of us are on our own, or even being planned against, sold out.

Things... change.  I don't think they can buy enough out, or sell out fast enough?  Will find out before long.  Less so, of a selling out, buying out, or such, when what is being used for currency is quickly becoming worthless?  Not even the controlled alternatives, such as bitcoin, seem to be surviving.  Fiction, no matter how "revolutionary", and when based on other fiction, just... can't pan out.  Not even gold or silver will do well.  Controlled.  Anything controlled is burning.  Can't print food, can't print oil/gas/diesel, can't print trust, can't print control.

Whatever.  It'll work out the way it should, soon or late.  The king, with no clothes, will catch cold and die.  Or... similar algorithms.  Interesting to watch.  Interesting times are damned dangerous times.  But... I should have been dead long ago.  So... no... skin off my nose.  To see the rich eat themselves will be interesting.  Nothing of the poor to eat.  Interesting.  Later.

Stuck, but... thinking.

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I have a rolling jack, but it isn't working.  For whatever reason, it crossed my mind tonight.  It is a very hand mechanism.  I think it is rated at several tons, so can handle the Xterra.  And most passenger trucks and cars.  A very handy unit.  If it works.  The last time I tried to use it, it had no lift, and was actually difficult to lower.  Gravity would not function to lower it, as has been true in the past.

I figured it would be easy to fix.  And, I suspect it will be.  Still, without particular experience, or the manual...  So, I went looking.  Without knowing the brand, not sure it is on there.  And, probably being from Sears... which mostly doesn't even exist at this point, I just went generic.  In this case, I think from Harbor Freight, so literally and virtually generic.  Not... always a bad thing, just... it is what it is.

I went to order the oil, but the link took me to a different product.  I looked around a bit, and found the right product, at a quarter the price.  Odd how those things work.  *dirty side glance*  Still, so it is on order.  Oh, and... I just thought... perhaps looking for a multi-pack of o-rings.  Those are excellent to have, anyway.  Whenever I need objects de mechanicals, for this or that, I generally order a wide array.  Sure, with these, they will age.  But, often, it surprises me how long things really do last.  So, I will go looking for those, after this.

And, yes, I... think I can get that thing working before long.  I need to change oil, soon, anyway.  I just... may need some help, sorting things out.  I have, honestly, never changed oil.  Or a tire.  It has never crossed my path... the tire.  Oil?  My size, lack of garage or safe place to do it for most of my life, and then just... "gravity of incidences prior" made it so I didn't think about it, when a garage, and driveway, were available.  Well, and truly, health.  I'd like to learn to do this, even if it really isn't necessary.  It's... the idea.  Perhaps and learn to do other things as well.  Breaks?  Headlights?  Who knows.

Ah, the vid.  Just... thinking you might have similar interests, problems, or simply be curious about things.  Who knows where knowing a little something might be worth it for your own good.  Even if it is just an intellectual thing you pass on to someone else.  Save some coin, possibly, too?  Who knows.

A cool day.

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It remains overcast, and I think was so all day.  I'm not sure when I finally went to bed.  It was 08:30, or later.  I... am almost certain.  It was about 18:48 when I woke, or finally.  I remember seeing 16:48.  Which actually confused me when I woke here recently, as in my slight sleepyhead stupor, I confused the two.  I finally decided the first must have be 16:48, I just didn't see it correctly.  Because I know I slept quite a while after, and am sure I looked and "saw" that.

It was 72 near my bed, 68 out in the room, with two fans going.  It is 66 in the main of the house, 68 in the front area.  And, 53 outside.  It sounded like it rained, in smaller parts, through the day.  I haven't heard of flooding here, but Yellowstone, I do believe, is getting record flooding.  Nearing the highest their highest depth, and expected to top that.  All entrances are closed for now.  Or... so I have heard, from one potentially unreliable source.

Still, I have heard they are getting pounded up north a bit.  If, that, too, is from an unreliable source.  Oh, even broadcast, and local, are considered unreliable at this point.  Still, it's what I've got, or get, from time to time.  More bump into such, than actually go looking.  And ignore most of it, as probably propaganda.  They are still on about global warming.  Until they at the very least clear that, without replacing it with global cooling, global change, etc?  They are completely clownworld and to not be given any merit.  But that is one of a dozne buzzwords which can, will, do, kill all credibility.  It means they are owned and operated by anti-American forces, even if they come bearing some alphabet badge or tech association (same things, really).

Sleepyheaded, still.  Working on it.  Coffee water is being heated.  Not sure, even now, if I am awake for good... for the night... day... whatever.  Or if I am just up, to get medicines down, check in, and crash again.  I... am in some sort of trouble I can't seem to extricate myself from.  Tired.  Sleepy.  Pained.  Later.