In spite of being awakened earlier than intended, this day was truly wonderful. Being a minor help, then tinkering and relaxing, taking a 2-3 mile walk, preparing and making it to church if my timing is still not quite right, doing a bit of physics study, looking over the University calendar, looking for engineering colleges and universities in or near the Rocky Mountains, and just enjoying a long wakeful restful peaceful day.
I can only guess that working out is already taking a toll. Well, perhaps toll is the wrong word. I am now in a hurry, and as I become more able to exercise and work in other ways, I need to watch myself. Overdoing things can cause a setback or injury. I have a tendency to excess. I also know I need to start eating more often, though the smaller doses part is working well. If I go without food for too long though, I binge or become a nibbler. Nibbling this and that to try and find what my body wants. What it really wants cannot be had, quickly. Fats top the list, then protein, then… everything. The body really does need fuel, denying it that fuel does not change the fact and is not a successful strategy on a regular basis.
Tomorrow I will be attending the Latin Mass practice. I will also be shown how to usher. Simple, I am sure, but I have never done this before. I am a bit worried, as I do not seem to have anything dressier to wear. I usually just wear jeans and a polo to Saturday Mass. I have some better clothes, but I think they are all… awaiting dry cleaning, crumpled up somewhere or other, and generally neglected and misused. I also have my bible and study guide ready for up to a half of a day of study. I may also study more physics, read my statics book, study calculus, or a bit of each. Whatever I do, I mean to do it quietly and with an eye to resting.
I am in a hurry to lose weight. I want inches off, more inches, if nothing else. I feel like a dork and I know I am a chunk. I cannot believe how well exercising has gone and I cannot believe I have not done it before. As well, studying has been rather painless, enjoyable really. I have gained information about study groups and study leaders available for engineering students. I also plan to be to school a good part of my day. I might have to see if I could get on a meal plan, if that is more affordable than not. Just having a lunch every day would be good, dinner several days a week or something. I know I need the food, I know I do not eat enough, and it might be a rather inexpensive option.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A Rude Awakening: Reality Sets In
Not happily, but most surely, I receive a phone call before 7:00. I did not recognize the number, so… back to sleep. *beep, beep, beep* A message, fine. She locked herself out of her truck, and is at this place, could I come and help her? No! I want to sleep in today. I worked hard this week, I am tired, and am really tired. *sigh* That voice, why did God make women’s pleas so… plaintive? *needle, needle, needle* Fine, I am up and at it. Well, in theory. All I have to do is move the one leg, perhaps the other will follow suit? God, why did you let me work out this much and get this tired? Oh, right, because I wanted it and prayed for it. I hate it when you are right. The right leg is closer, to the edge, but I sleep on my right side. So, either I must move my left leg as a starter to the left or right. Either I will roll out of bed, or back step the left leg so that I might, eventually, should I deign, move the right leg out so I can *sslliiddee* out of bed. Neither nor sounds better. Ok, eventually something happens and I end up sitting on the edge of my bed, butt cheeks firmly grasping that edge in the hopes of more sleep. What an ass. How long did that take, 5, 10, 15 minutes? I have no way of figuring things out yet.
I put some stuff on and head to the door, very unhappy with my sleep stealer. She gave me her key precisely because she ran out of AAA usage and so for this very reason. She needs testosterone treatments, it will smarten her up, help with memory, you know, guy stuff. *poke, poke, poke* So, I head to the door, then I think about it. I will be going into some public place. I head back in, take a look in the mirror, then put on other stuff. Now I am ready, I head out. Urhm, no. This will not quite work either, I am still asleep. One more refit and off I go. I arrive where she said she would be. No she. Oh, right the other place. Living in “twin cities” is a bit of a nuisance, especially during sleep time. So, I drive more, and arrive right on time. Well, as close as it gets. She offers me a coffee, I accept, I try to be civil, we chit-chat, and then I head out. I was probably not nice if I was not horrid.
By the time I get home, I am almost awake. The coffee and the drive helped. I guess I am up for the day. Surfing, the web anyway. I find myself at Bane’s and see something I had forgotten about. A song that meant a great deal to me at one time. It still does, but the context has changed. A Guns N’ Roses song was found there, a song that came out just as I was going under. Whether it was a blessing or a curse, it was there as if for me. It helped me understand, through time, what had happened to me, if not why. I had sunk into a coma, within flesh, within mind, shut off from a world I could no longer touch, feel, hear, smell, taste, see, or otherwise sense. My nerves were burned, my psyche shattered, all the remained was an automated weapons system. Nasty, but only if activated by people of malware content. I wore a permanent 1000 yard stare, no longer looking for heaven, I was there… in a cocoon of native painkillers, natural psychotropics, and organic healiotropics, the junk they pushed was useless and irrelevant except that it helped keep the bill payers happy. I liked it there, as far as I understood things. My hands felt just like two balloons, permanently I thought.
And, for a long time, that is just how it was. Eating Draino and waiting 12 hours to visit a hospital and a trigger pull on a 12 gauge lodged against the top of my mouth had failed to do their intended work, so, there I sat, pain free and elsewhere. Loverly, really, only… something was calling. What? Whispers, seemingly, but from who or what? Family? Friends? Professionals? Angels? God? It reminded me, though in a deeper way on a much deeper level of the call this morning. “Get up, I need you”. Who? Where were they? What did they need? So, as today, I had to figure out which “leg” to move, then which first, then which was which, even if I am still not sure about the real or virtual events, the first leg moved, the thought process, the order of all the things. I had to dress, redress, and do it again ad nauseum. Getting going and waking up was learning how to live again.
I have had to go through all the stages of life, birth, childhood, teen years, and then adulthood. But I knew nothing of adulthood, it had been so long ago and I had only been learning what that was about. To catch up to my age group would take much work, and I am even still not near there. I react more like a 25 year old might be expected to but I inhabit the body of a seasoned life vet. The outside world sees an old man, but I am only just a man. It has been decades, nearly, since being suicidal. But it has taken decades for “A Rude Awakening” to be to the point where I am on my way to where I feel I have been called. I think that is where I am approaching. Or is it another wrong place? I will keep looking and seeking, if it happens to be the wrong place.
But, at Bane’s, listening to that song, I realized something further. As I said, I am no longer in Painfreeville. I am, if weak and wobbly, on my own two feet in no uncertain terms. I am out of the au naturale drug factory and happy place, but I also cannot count on coma numbness, a fresh dose of happy stuff at the first sign(s) of serious pain, loss, or chaos, and no extra extra at the fun sippy cup of nothingness. My accidental transcendental lease is up. Sounds all happy until the realization comes that the coma is what kept me from suicide for the decades after my attempted shotgun gargle, my last ‘incident’. I am out of the little room, I am awake from the coma, and I am standing, functioning, and living, perhaps thriving. Can I take a “death in the family”? Can I handle a “bullet with butterfly wings”? Can I remain standing, just standing? To say I do not realize that I am still on a razor’s edge with a thin steel ribbon on my shoes keeping me from splitting like a log if I sidle left or right a bit too much, looking down a 1000’ gorge one way, and into a wall-to-wall 80 mph traffic highway the other would not be correct. Others, most of you, are just used to it. You might see it as standing on a slight sidewalk, near a sometimes busy if lazy highway, with a deep ditch the other way. But you are used to it. I just woke up, after 20 years, an old frightened man who has never seen regular cars go more than 40 or 50… Or, I just did not remember them being so fast?
Still, I was glad she called. I was pleased to listen to that song. I want to thank them both. It hit me today, if not where I am supposed to be (?), if still getting all the neurons, glial cells, and ganglion to fire rightly, well, and regularly, if dubious historically in my recovery, I have awaken and I am alive. I am even almost human. Three deaths and three very close calls will make it so I can never quite be fully alive again, I am simply too familiar (and comfortable) with the other side (if there is spiritual life there, it is different, inorganic I should say, at least until our resurrection). But, I am doing all these things many take for granted, pushing further to try and catch up to where I should/could/would be (?) and perhaps beyond, and still… able to help one little worried voice from a recorded message while half asleep and confused. I might even think, if that is all I really ever can do, I might be able to let that suffice.
I so much wish to thank her for the bother that woke me. Do you need someone to hold your key?
I put some stuff on and head to the door, very unhappy with my sleep stealer. She gave me her key precisely because she ran out of AAA usage and so for this very reason. She needs testosterone treatments, it will smarten her up, help with memory, you know, guy stuff. *poke, poke, poke* So, I head to the door, then I think about it. I will be going into some public place. I head back in, take a look in the mirror, then put on other stuff. Now I am ready, I head out. Urhm, no. This will not quite work either, I am still asleep. One more refit and off I go. I arrive where she said she would be. No she. Oh, right the other place. Living in “twin cities” is a bit of a nuisance, especially during sleep time. So, I drive more, and arrive right on time. Well, as close as it gets. She offers me a coffee, I accept, I try to be civil, we chit-chat, and then I head out. I was probably not nice if I was not horrid.
By the time I get home, I am almost awake. The coffee and the drive helped. I guess I am up for the day. Surfing, the web anyway. I find myself at Bane’s and see something I had forgotten about. A song that meant a great deal to me at one time. It still does, but the context has changed. A Guns N’ Roses song was found there, a song that came out just as I was going under. Whether it was a blessing or a curse, it was there as if for me. It helped me understand, through time, what had happened to me, if not why. I had sunk into a coma, within flesh, within mind, shut off from a world I could no longer touch, feel, hear, smell, taste, see, or otherwise sense. My nerves were burned, my psyche shattered, all the remained was an automated weapons system. Nasty, but only if activated by people of malware content. I wore a permanent 1000 yard stare, no longer looking for heaven, I was there… in a cocoon of native painkillers, natural psychotropics, and organic healiotropics, the junk they pushed was useless and irrelevant except that it helped keep the bill payers happy. I liked it there, as far as I understood things. My hands felt just like two balloons, permanently I thought.
And, for a long time, that is just how it was. Eating Draino and waiting 12 hours to visit a hospital and a trigger pull on a 12 gauge lodged against the top of my mouth had failed to do their intended work, so, there I sat, pain free and elsewhere. Loverly, really, only… something was calling. What? Whispers, seemingly, but from who or what? Family? Friends? Professionals? Angels? God? It reminded me, though in a deeper way on a much deeper level of the call this morning. “Get up, I need you”. Who? Where were they? What did they need? So, as today, I had to figure out which “leg” to move, then which first, then which was which, even if I am still not sure about the real or virtual events, the first leg moved, the thought process, the order of all the things. I had to dress, redress, and do it again ad nauseum. Getting going and waking up was learning how to live again.
I have had to go through all the stages of life, birth, childhood, teen years, and then adulthood. But I knew nothing of adulthood, it had been so long ago and I had only been learning what that was about. To catch up to my age group would take much work, and I am even still not near there. I react more like a 25 year old might be expected to but I inhabit the body of a seasoned life vet. The outside world sees an old man, but I am only just a man. It has been decades, nearly, since being suicidal. But it has taken decades for “A Rude Awakening” to be to the point where I am on my way to where I feel I have been called. I think that is where I am approaching. Or is it another wrong place? I will keep looking and seeking, if it happens to be the wrong place.
But, at Bane’s, listening to that song, I realized something further. As I said, I am no longer in Painfreeville. I am, if weak and wobbly, on my own two feet in no uncertain terms. I am out of the au naturale drug factory and happy place, but I also cannot count on coma numbness, a fresh dose of happy stuff at the first sign(s) of serious pain, loss, or chaos, and no extra extra at the fun sippy cup of nothingness. My accidental transcendental lease is up. Sounds all happy until the realization comes that the coma is what kept me from suicide for the decades after my attempted shotgun gargle, my last ‘incident’. I am out of the little room, I am awake from the coma, and I am standing, functioning, and living, perhaps thriving. Can I take a “death in the family”? Can I handle a “bullet with butterfly wings”? Can I remain standing, just standing? To say I do not realize that I am still on a razor’s edge with a thin steel ribbon on my shoes keeping me from splitting like a log if I sidle left or right a bit too much, looking down a 1000’ gorge one way, and into a wall-to-wall 80 mph traffic highway the other would not be correct. Others, most of you, are just used to it. You might see it as standing on a slight sidewalk, near a sometimes busy if lazy highway, with a deep ditch the other way. But you are used to it. I just woke up, after 20 years, an old frightened man who has never seen regular cars go more than 40 or 50… Or, I just did not remember them being so fast?
Still, I was glad she called. I was pleased to listen to that song. I want to thank them both. It hit me today, if not where I am supposed to be (?), if still getting all the neurons, glial cells, and ganglion to fire rightly, well, and regularly, if dubious historically in my recovery, I have awaken and I am alive. I am even almost human. Three deaths and three very close calls will make it so I can never quite be fully alive again, I am simply too familiar (and comfortable) with the other side (if there is spiritual life there, it is different, inorganic I should say, at least until our resurrection). But, I am doing all these things many take for granted, pushing further to try and catch up to where I should/could/would be (?) and perhaps beyond, and still… able to help one little worried voice from a recorded message while half asleep and confused. I might even think, if that is all I really ever can do, I might be able to let that suffice.
I so much wish to thank her for the bother that woke me. Do you need someone to hold your key?
Beat up and sore.
I have done well. My first week of swimming and weight lifting has gone well, if it has been a push. My weights are more difficult when starting up after a break for any reason, and swimming is a new type of work. Actually, I am not all that sore. No, I really am not sore at all. My arms are a little tight at times, cranky sometimes, but they are not sore. After this week of swimming, my legs will begin getting that way too. Using the board has allowed me to focus on my legs. After a week and a half of swimming, I am only now realizing what to do and beginning to do it. Still, today, for the first time, I was kicking very well using the board. My last lap without the board showed just how much I have improved my kick. In that week and a half, I am actually swimming much better and far faster, if it was only that last lap.
That is all good and well, but my attention to other details has been lagging. There is business undone, emails not sent, and plans not yet put into play. This part is frustrating. I will work with it, trying to push past the physical exhaustion to get to it just as I pushed past the initial physical exhaustion to begin working out. It is steps and layers, minor or major withdrawals, a parry and a jab, then two or three or even four steps forward. I am not the most nuanced man you will ever meet. I tend to be bold, for my place and station, perhaps too bold at times. As well, I seem to be more digital than analogue in my manner of approaching things. People think digital is smother… it is not. Nor am I smooth. I tend to hit, hit again, and hit until I win or need to run (or walk as the case may be). I would make a great shark but a lousy lion… wait, the males generally let the females hunt for them, and when they are pushed out of that, they live horrid bachelor lives and die quickly… that example does not quite work. Ok, I would not make a good badger, for whatever that means.
I was going to make myself a t-bone steak meal tonight, but it became too late and I became too tired. I will just delay the feast a night and enjoy when I am more rested. I have been eating a lot less, though I do need to watch that. I really do need calories. I have been looking online at calorie burn charts, ones which seem to use my weight in the calculations. I think they stick, in their logic, before getting to my weight though. So, I will have to do more research. Some of them are just plain wrong, like one which indicated a 60 minute 5 mph walk burned more calories than an hour of moderate swimming! I will not be including my walks in my calorie burns, as those are just something I like to do. If they become work, or mandatory, I might end up pulling out of that.
So far though, I burn anywhere from 4200 to 4800 calories a week, not including walks of course. And, my caloric intake is supposed to be either 2400 (maintenance, which I think is bunk), to between 3915-5080 maintenance (depending on whether one thinks I am moderately active or vigorously active). The last is more realistic, I do believe. I have noted government and educational websites regarding health are absolutely stupid. At 6’4”, I should never weigh 180-200 unless I am literally dying of cancer. I weighed that my last year of high school and I looked anemic. I was sickly looking, in spite of playing all the sports, minus baseball in the summer. I will not bother with government or educational sites from now on. They are trying to get their population to emulate North Koreans. It is sick.
That is that. I hope you find your way to doing what you need and want to do, but better than what I am doing. Yeah, I am getting some of it, but there is so much just plain real stuff on top of what I am doing that I am missing a lot of business, and probably some fun. Oh, go on… I will catch up as soon as I can.
That is all good and well, but my attention to other details has been lagging. There is business undone, emails not sent, and plans not yet put into play. This part is frustrating. I will work with it, trying to push past the physical exhaustion to get to it just as I pushed past the initial physical exhaustion to begin working out. It is steps and layers, minor or major withdrawals, a parry and a jab, then two or three or even four steps forward. I am not the most nuanced man you will ever meet. I tend to be bold, for my place and station, perhaps too bold at times. As well, I seem to be more digital than analogue in my manner of approaching things. People think digital is smother… it is not. Nor am I smooth. I tend to hit, hit again, and hit until I win or need to run (or walk as the case may be). I would make a great shark but a lousy lion… wait, the males generally let the females hunt for them, and when they are pushed out of that, they live horrid bachelor lives and die quickly… that example does not quite work. Ok, I would not make a good badger, for whatever that means.
I was going to make myself a t-bone steak meal tonight, but it became too late and I became too tired. I will just delay the feast a night and enjoy when I am more rested. I have been eating a lot less, though I do need to watch that. I really do need calories. I have been looking online at calorie burn charts, ones which seem to use my weight in the calculations. I think they stick, in their logic, before getting to my weight though. So, I will have to do more research. Some of them are just plain wrong, like one which indicated a 60 minute 5 mph walk burned more calories than an hour of moderate swimming! I will not be including my walks in my calorie burns, as those are just something I like to do. If they become work, or mandatory, I might end up pulling out of that.
So far though, I burn anywhere from 4200 to 4800 calories a week, not including walks of course. And, my caloric intake is supposed to be either 2400 (maintenance, which I think is bunk), to between 3915-5080 maintenance (depending on whether one thinks I am moderately active or vigorously active). The last is more realistic, I do believe. I have noted government and educational websites regarding health are absolutely stupid. At 6’4”, I should never weigh 180-200 unless I am literally dying of cancer. I weighed that my last year of high school and I looked anemic. I was sickly looking, in spite of playing all the sports, minus baseball in the summer. I will not bother with government or educational sites from now on. They are trying to get their population to emulate North Koreans. It is sick.
That is that. I hope you find your way to doing what you need and want to do, but better than what I am doing. Yeah, I am getting some of it, but there is so much just plain real stuff on top of what I am doing that I am missing a lot of business, and probably some fun. Oh, go on… I will catch up as soon as I can.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Up and at it early.
Getting up for the 6:00 swim is becoming easier. No longer just staying up, I have found that 2 hour naps in the afternoon, if called for, help stretch my day. And sleeping at night has become better as the days have not been so hot that I cannot enjoy them, or something. Whatever the case I will take the profits from the case.
I received a message yesterday. My phone was dead, so it was being recharged and it was off. Actually, I received 4 messages, only one of which was vital… I think. My application for college is on hold. I need to send a letter to the appeals committee before reinstatement can proceed. I have to indicate why I left, what I have been doing, why I should be allowed back and what I have and am doing to ensure I will not leave again. I typed that out earlier this morning and sent it to my academic advisor. She indicated it needed to be an expedited function. I would rather have printed it and taken it in manually, but today is shaping up to be a bit busier than usual. She had hoped for something from my doctor or voc. rehab. guide, but both of those are new people. One I have not even met, the other is not interested in meeting me and is only going to comply with the letter of the law as he has indicated to me, meaning he will be of no use for anything and will need to be worked around most of the time. I do understand. Perhaps I can win him over.
After swimming, I have to go visit a friend. It is something I need to do. I also need to write some emails attempting to get people to help me with a move. I have at least four phone calls to make beyond that, at least two of which will probably entail further calls or connections. Bank business and some other business is also needing serious attention. And, I will be working out later. Oh, I should probably get to Church and see about filling out a form or two. I meant to increase my giving this year, but that has not been done (though I am sure I put in the paperwork). As well, I mean to add my name to a list in order to be an usher or do other work depending on need. I will begin attending a Sunday Latin mass on top of my regular Saturday mass. I have volunteered to usher for that, too. They asked, what could I do?
It is good to feel well enough, and to have felt well enough long enough, that I may begin trusting myself to be places, do things, and work. I have to be careful with commitments, because I mean them now but I still only have just so much to give, if that is growing. I know that in harder times, these may be a strain. When I start classes, with the work outs, with Saturday and Sunday commitments, I will be pushing things farther than I ever have. Add to this a growing social circle of friends, and my commitments almost get me to the ‘big people’s’ table… almost. Well, ok, so it is more like a high school sophomore year, but the little chairs are becoming a bit too tiny. :p
I received a message yesterday. My phone was dead, so it was being recharged and it was off. Actually, I received 4 messages, only one of which was vital… I think. My application for college is on hold. I need to send a letter to the appeals committee before reinstatement can proceed. I have to indicate why I left, what I have been doing, why I should be allowed back and what I have and am doing to ensure I will not leave again. I typed that out earlier this morning and sent it to my academic advisor. She indicated it needed to be an expedited function. I would rather have printed it and taken it in manually, but today is shaping up to be a bit busier than usual. She had hoped for something from my doctor or voc. rehab. guide, but both of those are new people. One I have not even met, the other is not interested in meeting me and is only going to comply with the letter of the law as he has indicated to me, meaning he will be of no use for anything and will need to be worked around most of the time. I do understand. Perhaps I can win him over.
After swimming, I have to go visit a friend. It is something I need to do. I also need to write some emails attempting to get people to help me with a move. I have at least four phone calls to make beyond that, at least two of which will probably entail further calls or connections. Bank business and some other business is also needing serious attention. And, I will be working out later. Oh, I should probably get to Church and see about filling out a form or two. I meant to increase my giving this year, but that has not been done (though I am sure I put in the paperwork). As well, I mean to add my name to a list in order to be an usher or do other work depending on need. I will begin attending a Sunday Latin mass on top of my regular Saturday mass. I have volunteered to usher for that, too. They asked, what could I do?
It is good to feel well enough, and to have felt well enough long enough, that I may begin trusting myself to be places, do things, and work. I have to be careful with commitments, because I mean them now but I still only have just so much to give, if that is growing. I know that in harder times, these may be a strain. When I start classes, with the work outs, with Saturday and Sunday commitments, I will be pushing things farther than I ever have. Add to this a growing social circle of friends, and my commitments almost get me to the ‘big people’s’ table… almost. Well, ok, so it is more like a high school sophomore year, but the little chairs are becoming a bit too tiny. :p
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A little of this and that and a review.
Life is pretty good today. My lady friend visited, to do her laundry as usual. She also requested that I drive her to her pick-up point for a week of kayaking, unfortunately I already have something scheduled for that day. Oh well, I will figure something out. She did her laundry, we had lunch, and then she did some last minute internet business for her trip, or tried to do that. I will be helping her out with that, if certain responses arrive, I have agreed to act on that and perhaps place an order or two. At least I can be useful to one other person.
In that time period, we also went to the new Batman movie. From the hype, and from what other people have noted, I was expecting shocking things. I will not be leaving any spoilers here. I will say one thing surprised me in the show. If you watch it, you will probably know what it is. Everything else I was either expecting or had already foreseen. My “date” could not concur. I do not think she knew half of what was going on. I would recommend testosterone treatments, for memory and a few other things, but she has already eschewed the notion. I also did not see anything shocking. I would take my children to see it, well, my sons if I had some. There was simply nothing too serious as I see things. Though, and again, my “date” did not agree. I could tell by her facial expressions. And, no, she actually did want to see the show. She probably wanted to see it because of the dead “actor” angle. As shows go, I would say it was lightly fun, better entertainment than most of what Hollywood puts out, and only slightly anti-social in temperament. I would give it a solid C+ to B-.
I plan to see Hellboy II, though I expect it to be about the same as the first and similar to Batman. I am only hoping it is not worse. Sequels seem to not be the best, though there are surprises. I will not guarantee there have been no others, but some of the “Alien” series were as good as the first (though definitely not all of them). I would like to see the movie during the day, both because it is less expensive and because there might be a smaller crowd. I am NOT xenophobic, I am not! I… I just… I just do not like people. Well, not people I have not vetted.
Tomorrow is work out day again. As well, one of my two orders should either be in or on the way. The salesman said he would call me and let me know when it would be in if it has not yet arrived. Next week, or the week after, I should also be receiving my final piece of equipment. I ordered a 100 pound chest piece. I have asked my mother and my friend, should they deign to buy me a ******ay present, to buy me a 20 pound per strap on arm or leg set. That should allow me to hump 180 pounds of raw nothing on my walks and perhaps some of that on my hikes. I probably will not take the whole load on most hikes, the risk of a sprain is a little too much at this point.
In that time period, we also went to the new Batman movie. From the hype, and from what other people have noted, I was expecting shocking things. I will not be leaving any spoilers here. I will say one thing surprised me in the show. If you watch it, you will probably know what it is. Everything else I was either expecting or had already foreseen. My “date” could not concur. I do not think she knew half of what was going on. I would recommend testosterone treatments, for memory and a few other things, but she has already eschewed the notion. I also did not see anything shocking. I would take my children to see it, well, my sons if I had some. There was simply nothing too serious as I see things. Though, and again, my “date” did not agree. I could tell by her facial expressions. And, no, she actually did want to see the show. She probably wanted to see it because of the dead “actor” angle. As shows go, I would say it was lightly fun, better entertainment than most of what Hollywood puts out, and only slightly anti-social in temperament. I would give it a solid C+ to B-.
I plan to see Hellboy II, though I expect it to be about the same as the first and similar to Batman. I am only hoping it is not worse. Sequels seem to not be the best, though there are surprises. I will not guarantee there have been no others, but some of the “Alien” series were as good as the first (though definitely not all of them). I would like to see the movie during the day, both because it is less expensive and because there might be a smaller crowd. I am NOT xenophobic, I am not! I… I just… I just do not like people. Well, not people I have not vetted.
Tomorrow is work out day again. As well, one of my two orders should either be in or on the way. The salesman said he would call me and let me know when it would be in if it has not yet arrived. Next week, or the week after, I should also be receiving my final piece of equipment. I ordered a 100 pound chest piece. I have asked my mother and my friend, should they deign to buy me a ******ay present, to buy me a 20 pound per strap on arm or leg set. That should allow me to hump 180 pounds of raw nothing on my walks and perhaps some of that on my hikes. I probably will not take the whole load on most hikes, the risk of a sprain is a little too much at this point.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I decided to check.
Since having my friend measure me for a wetsuit just before leaving on vacation, I decided to remeasure myself. I have lost 3 inches from my chest, 4-5 inches from my belly, and since I started working out itself, I have gained 2 ½ inches on my arms. Am I impressed? Not really, I am still a chunk. But it is in the right direction. Even if I have gained about 5-10 pounds. And, with Waterboy’s indication that the extra normal caloric burn added to my other calorie burning, I have nearly 21k calories a week to mess with, of which I am probably eating between 1/3 and 2/3 of those calories. It is very slow, but then I did not pack it on overnight either. Eventually the weight will come off?
Swimming went well today. The kickboard will really seriously help me start using my legs as my primary mover. Excellent, as using the legs will burn far more calories and they are the main concern with regards to swimming, for me at least. I noticed just from using the board off and on today that my kicks became far better! I would not have guessed that such an immediate effect would occur. I am still not counting laps. I am working at all times, however. I do take short breaks, but if I am too tired to do a push, I either walk in the water up to my neck depth and back or swim on my back a lap or two. I am trying to keep my idle time to a minimum and trying to put then keep a little more hustle into my work. Weight lifting will be later in the day. Depending on how classes are set up, I may end up reversing the swim and weight lifting times though that means switching where I swim, not a problem if time permits. I am really pushing so that by the time school gets here, I might be in better form to continue my workouts without hindering schoolwork.
Right now there is a lot of nothing going on. I know I have some appointments coming up, I need to find out about those. The car goes in at 13:00 for maintenance today, I need to find some information for an ongoing query between myself and another party, and that is about it until I receive a yes or a no regarding college, and then proceed from there with that. I missed a call from my mother, I am trying to get in touch with her and having no luck. I am trying to arrange and rearrange a few minor things, nothing too important. And I am trying to get my walks in. Oh, I did find my bible study guide, my physics books, my statics manual and notes, and my calculus review materials. Yeah, I am right on that. Cheiahhh Actually, I will be… soon. Just reading the first few chapters will help a good deal.
I am still afraid. I still live in fear, of life, of death, of pain, of things unknown. I still do not know, always or completely, why. There is a lot at stake in the next semester. There is much at stake in many facets of life. Though I am not still living in a 10’ by 10’ room, at times, I might as well be. I still go back “there” when all else fails, though less and less often is the need that pressing. And, as I said, even if I fail I now have another set of options that should keep me from ever going back to my hiding space. Of course, there is nothing I can do about being ugly. But I am good with that, mostly. *grins*
Well, mark one off. I tried and finally got through to my mother. If I miss a call, I always worry. Probably one of the neurotic tendencies from being raised by a single woman. Bah!
Swimming went well today. The kickboard will really seriously help me start using my legs as my primary mover. Excellent, as using the legs will burn far more calories and they are the main concern with regards to swimming, for me at least. I noticed just from using the board off and on today that my kicks became far better! I would not have guessed that such an immediate effect would occur. I am still not counting laps. I am working at all times, however. I do take short breaks, but if I am too tired to do a push, I either walk in the water up to my neck depth and back or swim on my back a lap or two. I am trying to keep my idle time to a minimum and trying to put then keep a little more hustle into my work. Weight lifting will be later in the day. Depending on how classes are set up, I may end up reversing the swim and weight lifting times though that means switching where I swim, not a problem if time permits. I am really pushing so that by the time school gets here, I might be in better form to continue my workouts without hindering schoolwork.
Right now there is a lot of nothing going on. I know I have some appointments coming up, I need to find out about those. The car goes in at 13:00 for maintenance today, I need to find some information for an ongoing query between myself and another party, and that is about it until I receive a yes or a no regarding college, and then proceed from there with that. I missed a call from my mother, I am trying to get in touch with her and having no luck. I am trying to arrange and rearrange a few minor things, nothing too important. And I am trying to get my walks in. Oh, I did find my bible study guide, my physics books, my statics manual and notes, and my calculus review materials. Yeah, I am right on that. Cheiahhh Actually, I will be… soon. Just reading the first few chapters will help a good deal.
I am still afraid. I still live in fear, of life, of death, of pain, of things unknown. I still do not know, always or completely, why. There is a lot at stake in the next semester. There is much at stake in many facets of life. Though I am not still living in a 10’ by 10’ room, at times, I might as well be. I still go back “there” when all else fails, though less and less often is the need that pressing. And, as I said, even if I fail I now have another set of options that should keep me from ever going back to my hiding space. Of course, there is nothing I can do about being ugly. But I am good with that, mostly. *grins*
Well, mark one off. I tried and finally got through to my mother. If I miss a call, I always worry. Probably one of the neurotic tendencies from being raised by a single woman. Bah!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Reality setting in.
I sit here today, realizing some truths. Those truths hurt. I suspect as I get better, more of these realizations will come. Some of that truth is based upon where I am. Some of those truths are based upon where I can go from here. Some of what I am understanding means much of what I hope for will never be. Waking from a coma to find one’s world is a world of devastation, from body to mind to relationships is not an easy thing. It is so strange that a mere notion can cut like the sharpest most well handled saber. No matter how strong a man is, and I am not, his soul is so vulnerable. Worse so when the fact of the matter is merely reality and not an attack of some sort. When it is reality merely without the rose colored glasses of hopes, beliefs, and illusions created by one’s own mind as a protective layer. My decades of inaction and inability are coming home to roost. As I get better I see more surely how little time, space, energy, and potential I have left. Though I may not be completely spent, my candle has burned through most of it’s cycle and life has past me.
There is no use in bemoaning it. I will continue on, working as diligently as ever, perhaps more so for my understandings. I will work out, go to school, and try to rearrange my life into a more orderly situation. I will try to love those who love me, and more as I am able, in spite of understanding my shallowness and one-sidedness. Perhaps it is all an illusion, a fiction, a lie? Then again, can we love without sharing, sharing even the darkness within? Can we love in a lie, denying our truths so that another may shine? I am not sure, nor have I ever been sure about these types of things.
Still, I do know how to get anywhere, virtual or in the flesh. I must take one step at a time. I must work on this, perhaps that, and then this other thing, and combine them into a functional whole only to use that as a key to pass the next locked gate and then face the next obstacles. The carrot and stick trick is about the truth of our whole world, whether we wield the items ourselves, or whether others do so, and most likely we need a bit of both scenarios. I realize that as I am able to see more clearly I am getting better. As I become able to handle hurtful truths, my mind allows them. My mind itself sees that I am becoming more ready and allows these things so that I may more surely plan my future. It still hurts, greatly.
Time… tick tock tick tock… Not much of that phenomena left. I do have the rest of my life, though. I cannot waste any more of either. It may be a while before I post again.
There is no use in bemoaning it. I will continue on, working as diligently as ever, perhaps more so for my understandings. I will work out, go to school, and try to rearrange my life into a more orderly situation. I will try to love those who love me, and more as I am able, in spite of understanding my shallowness and one-sidedness. Perhaps it is all an illusion, a fiction, a lie? Then again, can we love without sharing, sharing even the darkness within? Can we love in a lie, denying our truths so that another may shine? I am not sure, nor have I ever been sure about these types of things.
Still, I do know how to get anywhere, virtual or in the flesh. I must take one step at a time. I must work on this, perhaps that, and then this other thing, and combine them into a functional whole only to use that as a key to pass the next locked gate and then face the next obstacles. The carrot and stick trick is about the truth of our whole world, whether we wield the items ourselves, or whether others do so, and most likely we need a bit of both scenarios. I realize that as I am able to see more clearly I am getting better. As I become able to handle hurtful truths, my mind allows them. My mind itself sees that I am becoming more ready and allows these things so that I may more surely plan my future. It still hurts, greatly.
Time… tick tock tick tock… Not much of that phenomena left. I do have the rest of my life, though. I cannot waste any more of either. It may be a while before I post again.
Swimming may be off.
The weather has turned rather sour. I would not call it a thunderstorm so much as a sky strobe lightning storm with rain coming down sideways, nearly horizontally, and fast. Add to that the serious risk of hail. I could walk to the pool, as I intended, but the lightning and the hail make waterproof outerwear sort of weak. I could drive, but I do not wish to risk hail damage, even if my vehicle was not newer. What to do? I may call and see if they have a later time for swimming and check the weather then. Of course, I could do my straight-weights now in that case. It is unbelievable out there. I have a covered area between the garage and the duplex. It is about 15 feet long. It did not matter, standing out there, trying to stay to the far side and away from the rain, I still ended up drenched as if I had showered. I must have stepped out right as it was kicking up. Hmm, perhaps that was my swim? Hopefully not.
With every effort, there is a counter, no? I know everyone goes through disappointments, so I cannot beg sympathy there. And, one way or another, I will find my way around this, even if that means waiting until Wednesday as a last option. Wow am I wet, even after toweling off… cotton, good for some things, not for this.
I really cannot believe this storm! I love them, I watch them when they come up, but I have not seen this severity in a while. Even the flood rains were not like this. And that lightning… as I said, it looks more like a huge sky high strobe light… power may be going down. Oh, and the sirens are going off. Not good… I do not have a place to hide away. Oh well.
Goodbye?
With every effort, there is a counter, no? I know everyone goes through disappointments, so I cannot beg sympathy there. And, one way or another, I will find my way around this, even if that means waiting until Wednesday as a last option. Wow am I wet, even after toweling off… cotton, good for some things, not for this.
I really cannot believe this storm! I love them, I watch them when they come up, but I have not seen this severity in a while. Even the flood rains were not like this. And that lightning… as I said, it looks more like a huge sky high strobe light… power may be going down. Oh, and the sirens are going off. Not good… I do not have a place to hide away. Oh well.
Goodbye?
What to do?
Life is going on, I am working on things, but everything is either half finished, a continuing project, or it has not even started. I feel stretched and thin, psychically. I am pretty sure everyone goes through this. I am not sure how others react, but this is the loneliest of times for me. I suspect even if I had a wife, a few children, a reasonable group of friends, several social circles, and a daily routine I would still, perhaps more so, feel lonely.
I noticed my anger got the best of me in my earlier writing. I am not sure if the two things are connected. I suspect they are, the feeling of aloneness is just the quieter aspect of the same phenomena. I do not know the mind, not my mind that is. Anyone else’s mind is far beyond my facilities to comprehend, though know if you speak, write, or even touch me (literally or virtually) I will do what I may to respond and begin trying to seek you. Odd, but it is how I was designed. And, I like that. Though usually it ends up that I am not compatible, or is it the other way around? Worse, though I can live with the incompatibility, most others cannot or will not. Why?
I am trying very hard in this new life. I feel a great deal needs to be done and I want to do it. And, I am doing it, bit by bit. I am changing aspects of myself which did not seem fixable only a few years ago. I never gave up, if doubt began to grow. I am pushing through fat, muscle, and brain, changing what was weak into something strong. Why so much resistance from out there. Why yes, sometimes from you. Am I becoming a monster? Have I always been a monster?
I will do some leg-ups until the machine arrives (Friday, give or take). Then I will shower and go swimming. Afterwards, I will probably take a nap as I am not sleeping well. Later in the day, weight lifting. As usual, when starting up again, I have fears. Can I do it, is it too much, etc. At least I have worked through these fears several times before, their bites are now little stings rather than chilling breathtaking doubts.
I was unable to find my bible study material. Why the fuss, why not just open up the book and begin reading? Because I need guidance. As a child, I did just read the bible. I never memorized, I only read and read and read, re-reading difficult passages, asking those I trusted for clarification, seeking dictionaries, thesauri, globes, maps, history books, and other resources to solve some things. Things have changed. I now feel the need to study as an adult studies. And, no, this is not out of duty to the greater extent, but out of love and devotion. I wish to understand and be open to that understanding. This tomb is what, to some large part, I base my life upon. The Catechism, the Magisterium, history, and the priesthood (on up) take up the rest of that which I choose to obey. These, each, as passed from God and Christ and the Holy Spirit, so it is really they I obey, through these mechanisms.
Oh, by the way, I am sore. I will be doing fewer leg-ups than I had been. I think I will be sticking to 20 of those, and when the machine comes, I will add 20 setups to that. I have been pushing it a bit, too much I believe. At least were the midsection is concerned. The rest seems to be doing fine. My arms do not ache perpetually, if they do get sore temporarily when working out. And, so far, working out actually relieves some of the ache when it has remained. One other switch is that I will probably begin using the paddle board (if that is what it is called) a lot more, in order that I focus on my legs until they are kicking a lot better and more frequently. I really mean to use swimming as a means of leg strengthening first, then to some degree as an aerobic workout. I will not jog or run, though in time, sprints might be a good thing. My knees just do not support running. Perhaps when I lose weight… no, if my workouts are successful, I will be a bit too heavy for running even then.
So much on my mind. It is good to be activating my life, but I am afraid of making a mistake, missing something important, pushing so hard I push people away, and, and, well, all that jazz. Well, I did go grocery shopping tonight. I was looking for three main things on the labels, protein, sugars, and carbs. I think I did well, or at least better. I know the foods I buy are, by and large, good foods, so I was looking to lower sugars and carbs for the most part. I did feel the need to make some changes and I am trying some new foods. Of course, the cost was at the register. So it goes, it might not be such a bad place to put a few extra dollars?
I noticed my anger got the best of me in my earlier writing. I am not sure if the two things are connected. I suspect they are, the feeling of aloneness is just the quieter aspect of the same phenomena. I do not know the mind, not my mind that is. Anyone else’s mind is far beyond my facilities to comprehend, though know if you speak, write, or even touch me (literally or virtually) I will do what I may to respond and begin trying to seek you. Odd, but it is how I was designed. And, I like that. Though usually it ends up that I am not compatible, or is it the other way around? Worse, though I can live with the incompatibility, most others cannot or will not. Why?
I am trying very hard in this new life. I feel a great deal needs to be done and I want to do it. And, I am doing it, bit by bit. I am changing aspects of myself which did not seem fixable only a few years ago. I never gave up, if doubt began to grow. I am pushing through fat, muscle, and brain, changing what was weak into something strong. Why so much resistance from out there. Why yes, sometimes from you. Am I becoming a monster? Have I always been a monster?
I will do some leg-ups until the machine arrives (Friday, give or take). Then I will shower and go swimming. Afterwards, I will probably take a nap as I am not sleeping well. Later in the day, weight lifting. As usual, when starting up again, I have fears. Can I do it, is it too much, etc. At least I have worked through these fears several times before, their bites are now little stings rather than chilling breathtaking doubts.
I was unable to find my bible study material. Why the fuss, why not just open up the book and begin reading? Because I need guidance. As a child, I did just read the bible. I never memorized, I only read and read and read, re-reading difficult passages, asking those I trusted for clarification, seeking dictionaries, thesauri, globes, maps, history books, and other resources to solve some things. Things have changed. I now feel the need to study as an adult studies. And, no, this is not out of duty to the greater extent, but out of love and devotion. I wish to understand and be open to that understanding. This tomb is what, to some large part, I base my life upon. The Catechism, the Magisterium, history, and the priesthood (on up) take up the rest of that which I choose to obey. These, each, as passed from God and Christ and the Holy Spirit, so it is really they I obey, through these mechanisms.
Oh, by the way, I am sore. I will be doing fewer leg-ups than I had been. I think I will be sticking to 20 of those, and when the machine comes, I will add 20 setups to that. I have been pushing it a bit, too much I believe. At least were the midsection is concerned. The rest seems to be doing fine. My arms do not ache perpetually, if they do get sore temporarily when working out. And, so far, working out actually relieves some of the ache when it has remained. One other switch is that I will probably begin using the paddle board (if that is what it is called) a lot more, in order that I focus on my legs until they are kicking a lot better and more frequently. I really mean to use swimming as a means of leg strengthening first, then to some degree as an aerobic workout. I will not jog or run, though in time, sprints might be a good thing. My knees just do not support running. Perhaps when I lose weight… no, if my workouts are successful, I will be a bit too heavy for running even then.
So much on my mind. It is good to be activating my life, but I am afraid of making a mistake, missing something important, pushing so hard I push people away, and, and, well, all that jazz. Well, I did go grocery shopping tonight. I was looking for three main things on the labels, protein, sugars, and carbs. I think I did well, or at least better. I know the foods I buy are, by and large, good foods, so I was looking to lower sugars and carbs for the most part. I did feel the need to make some changes and I am trying some new foods. Of course, the cost was at the register. So it goes, it might not be such a bad place to put a few extra dollars?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Huh?
I looked at this from the American Heart Associations website:
Following a Healthy Eating Plan
The best way to help lower your blood cholesterol level is to eat less saturated fat and cholesterol, control your weight and walk or do another physical activity for at least 30 minutes each day. Our plan is based on these simple steps:
Use up at least as many calories as you take in.
Be physically active.
Aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity on most days of the week, if not all.
Eat a variety of nutrient-rich foods.
Eat a diet rich in vegetables and fruits.
Choose whole-grain, high-fiber foods.
Eat fish at least twice a week.
Eat less of the nutrient-poor foods.
Limit how much saturated fat, trans fat and cholesterol you eat.
Choose lean meats and poultry without skin and prepare them without added saturated and trans fat.
Select fat-free, 1 percent fat and low-fat dairy products.
Cut back on foods containing partially hydrogenated vegetable oils to reduce trans fat in your diet.
Cut back on foods high in dietary cholesterol.
Cut back on beverages and foods with added sugars.
Choose and prepare foods with little or no salt.
If you drink alcohol, drink in moderation.
Follow the American Heart Association recommendations when you eat out.
Read the nutrition facts label and ingredients list.
Avoid use of and exposure to tobacco products.
Looks good, but it is loony. Use as many calories as you eat? Sounds good, but working 3 x weighlifting and 3 x 1 hour swims per week net me a calorie burn of about 4200 calories. Now, that is six hours of working out as hard as I can (which granted, is somewhat soft if getting harder). So, I am supposed to eat less than 4200 calories a week? I know they are id-10-ts. Well, physically active, okay. On top of working out, I am walking anywhere from 3 to 5 miles a week (or hiking, which is much more hilly and thus rigorous, now that I know that is open), so fine. Nutrient rich, vegetables, grains (Whole? Part whole maybe, not that modernist Pilgrim crap though, besides, too many carbs, everyone knows that!), lower fat meats and skinless fowl… sad, but okay I am getting on that.
But, what is saturated fat, trans fat, and cholesterol heavy, food wise? I doubt if I eat that anyway, since I usually do not eat much in the way of chips, deep fried foods, etc. But, I am not giving up avocado, though it is not like I eat that by the gross either, and it has enough else to make it good, even very occasionally (I am with Hillbilly on this, if not perhaps to that degree?). I have become a bit of an olive oil junkie, though peanut oil and canola (sp?) oils are also coming into more common, if still a lot less, usage.
Oh, and I have cut my salt, a bunch. We really do get too much salt. Much of that extra salt comes from eating out and eating processed foods. This is one place where checking the labels could help you, if you cannot buy fresh. I avoid all the salt I can, then add salt only on the table, and then lightly. However, some foods really do need a little salt in the cooking. Meats and even some steamed vegetables (salt helps prevent the vegetable (the ones that get done very quickly for the most part) from becoming overdone and or water-filled) need some salt, but not much. As well, the right salt helps a great deal, try kosher salt, it really does lend a lot more flavor for a lot less mass and the flavor lasts through the cooking usually (at least far better than any other salt I have tried).
My fluids are now mostly simple water, if run through reverse osmosis machines first. The water here, where I live, is retched. It is heavy in every natural mineral, it seems. So hard, manufacturers of water-heaters do not stand behind their 5 and 6 year warranties here. If it was trace, it would be fantastic, this stuff comes up and, a week after heavily cleaning a bathroom, it needs barnacle removal, again. Seriously, it is nasty water and tastes it here. Since I do not believe in the rest of the “bottle water” options, I go with reverse osmosis, for good or ill. Though juice, beer, a toot of scotch, and other fluids sometimes pass my tongue and head for home, these last only lightly and occasionally flavor my days.
As far as 1% fat dairy products, this is a femanized dietary mechanism. I NEED whole milk and dairy products, including butter. I choose salt free butter, for cooking especially. I do get some salted butter as the QoD cannot stand unstalted butter for breads and muffins and such (I can and do when buttering my own toast and whatever). I recently reviewed an excerpt from a study of 5,000 British “men” for 10 years (anyone that politically corrupted could not be called a man, slave woman(who are happy to be controlled by socialism it seems) or loser but not man), what they found is that those drinking real milk (even better if it is raw milk, yummy if I could find and easily obtain it!) and butter had much lower heart attack rates, down to the 1% range, compared to the “blokes” who chose to go feminine with their diets. That might differ for women, I do not know since I am not one and did not look.
Avoid use and exposure to tobacco! Hahahahahahaha What a feminist leftist flop. “Do not touch that, it is doity!” hahahahahhaha I am going to smoke cigars and pipe from here on. And, I am going to get more men to become real men and do the same, driving up demand (thus price) until the high equilibrium is hit and the prices come down. And, I will be working to force tax cuts on everything, especially my smokes, guns, ammo, and such. I do not want nor need a government medical pogrom, and I mean to see my government get the hell out of my life as far as it should be. Meaning, they should do the military, diplomacy (talk only, no money), and a few other key things. The rest needs to be our own responsibility.
By the way, you know those stupid little ration cards put on cans, bottles, boxes, and everything the government can get their hands on, telling you how much you should eat and daily recommendations? Yeah, those are based on a 50 something year old post menopausal woman’s dietary scripts. Ignore them, as they are wrong in every single way. Find out for yourself, and do what you know you should. Or, be fat and happy! I will never knock that (unless you want half of your ass to bulge into my already cramped airplane seating, then there will be words!). Hell, some might say I am fat, if not happy about it.
God forgive me, should I have gone wrong with this post. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Following a Healthy Eating Plan
The best way to help lower your blood cholesterol level is to eat less saturated fat and cholesterol, control your weight and walk or do another physical activity for at least 30 minutes each day. Our plan is based on these simple steps:
Use up at least as many calories as you take in.
Be physically active.
Aim for at least 30 minutes of physical activity on most days of the week, if not all.
Eat a variety of nutrient-rich foods.
Eat a diet rich in vegetables and fruits.
Choose whole-grain, high-fiber foods.
Eat fish at least twice a week.
Eat less of the nutrient-poor foods.
Limit how much saturated fat, trans fat and cholesterol you eat.
Choose lean meats and poultry without skin and prepare them without added saturated and trans fat.
Select fat-free, 1 percent fat and low-fat dairy products.
Cut back on foods containing partially hydrogenated vegetable oils to reduce trans fat in your diet.
Cut back on foods high in dietary cholesterol.
Cut back on beverages and foods with added sugars.
Choose and prepare foods with little or no salt.
If you drink alcohol, drink in moderation.
Follow the American Heart Association recommendations when you eat out.
Read the nutrition facts label and ingredients list.
Avoid use of and exposure to tobacco products.
Looks good, but it is loony. Use as many calories as you eat? Sounds good, but working 3 x weighlifting and 3 x 1 hour swims per week net me a calorie burn of about 4200 calories. Now, that is six hours of working out as hard as I can (which granted, is somewhat soft if getting harder). So, I am supposed to eat less than 4200 calories a week? I know they are id-10-ts. Well, physically active, okay. On top of working out, I am walking anywhere from 3 to 5 miles a week (or hiking, which is much more hilly and thus rigorous, now that I know that is open), so fine. Nutrient rich, vegetables, grains (Whole? Part whole maybe, not that modernist Pilgrim crap though, besides, too many carbs, everyone knows that!), lower fat meats and skinless fowl… sad, but okay I am getting on that.
But, what is saturated fat, trans fat, and cholesterol heavy, food wise? I doubt if I eat that anyway, since I usually do not eat much in the way of chips, deep fried foods, etc. But, I am not giving up avocado, though it is not like I eat that by the gross either, and it has enough else to make it good, even very occasionally (I am with Hillbilly on this, if not perhaps to that degree?). I have become a bit of an olive oil junkie, though peanut oil and canola (sp?) oils are also coming into more common, if still a lot less, usage.
Oh, and I have cut my salt, a bunch. We really do get too much salt. Much of that extra salt comes from eating out and eating processed foods. This is one place where checking the labels could help you, if you cannot buy fresh. I avoid all the salt I can, then add salt only on the table, and then lightly. However, some foods really do need a little salt in the cooking. Meats and even some steamed vegetables (salt helps prevent the vegetable (the ones that get done very quickly for the most part) from becoming overdone and or water-filled) need some salt, but not much. As well, the right salt helps a great deal, try kosher salt, it really does lend a lot more flavor for a lot less mass and the flavor lasts through the cooking usually (at least far better than any other salt I have tried).
My fluids are now mostly simple water, if run through reverse osmosis machines first. The water here, where I live, is retched. It is heavy in every natural mineral, it seems. So hard, manufacturers of water-heaters do not stand behind their 5 and 6 year warranties here. If it was trace, it would be fantastic, this stuff comes up and, a week after heavily cleaning a bathroom, it needs barnacle removal, again. Seriously, it is nasty water and tastes it here. Since I do not believe in the rest of the “bottle water” options, I go with reverse osmosis, for good or ill. Though juice, beer, a toot of scotch, and other fluids sometimes pass my tongue and head for home, these last only lightly and occasionally flavor my days.
As far as 1% fat dairy products, this is a femanized dietary mechanism. I NEED whole milk and dairy products, including butter. I choose salt free butter, for cooking especially. I do get some salted butter as the QoD cannot stand unstalted butter for breads and muffins and such (I can and do when buttering my own toast and whatever). I recently reviewed an excerpt from a study of 5,000 British “men” for 10 years (anyone that politically corrupted could not be called a man, slave woman(who are happy to be controlled by socialism it seems) or loser but not man), what they found is that those drinking real milk (even better if it is raw milk, yummy if I could find and easily obtain it!) and butter had much lower heart attack rates, down to the 1% range, compared to the “blokes” who chose to go feminine with their diets. That might differ for women, I do not know since I am not one and did not look.
Avoid use and exposure to tobacco! Hahahahahahaha What a feminist leftist flop. “Do not touch that, it is doity!” hahahahahhaha I am going to smoke cigars and pipe from here on. And, I am going to get more men to become real men and do the same, driving up demand (thus price) until the high equilibrium is hit and the prices come down. And, I will be working to force tax cuts on everything, especially my smokes, guns, ammo, and such. I do not want nor need a government medical pogrom, and I mean to see my government get the hell out of my life as far as it should be. Meaning, they should do the military, diplomacy (talk only, no money), and a few other key things. The rest needs to be our own responsibility.
By the way, you know those stupid little ration cards put on cans, bottles, boxes, and everything the government can get their hands on, telling you how much you should eat and daily recommendations? Yeah, those are based on a 50 something year old post menopausal woman’s dietary scripts. Ignore them, as they are wrong in every single way. Find out for yourself, and do what you know you should. Or, be fat and happy! I will never knock that (unless you want half of your ass to bulge into my already cramped airplane seating, then there will be words!). Hell, some might say I am fat, if not happy about it.
God forgive me, should I have gone wrong with this post. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
My what a day.
I got out today, did the tasks I had hoped to do, and just enjoyed toodling around town. The first stop was at the exercise equipment shop I spoke of. I talked with the fellow I wrote about, and asked him about diet and such. I should never listen to the Harpy, she always freaks me out and leads me to begin over-thinking things AND go down the wrong path. She is such a drag and a nag, I have to keep that in mind. Anal? Yep. Oh, after looking at a lot of equipment for my needs, I also decided to go with their equipment. Why, at that price? Because I found nothing that can handle my weight, for sure, other than it. Most, if they even offered an amount, could only handle 250. I suppose if I were to be using it lightly and occasionally, sure, I would go with that. But I plan to be swinging hard, heavy, and often from the thing. The equipment I chose is tighter than jungle gyms. So, I ordered that there, after speaking with the guy.
Food wise, his suggestion was pretty much to avoid sugars and to some degree, excess fats. Well, ok, the QoD is right about some of this, if she just gets freaky overboard. Skinless chicken, sirloin or maybe t-bone, smaller portions, but Wheaties and Cheerios are just fine. Honestly, I will take a competitor muscled guys word over Miss Misery’s word, at least on this, any day. She is still fun, as long as I do not talk about anything serious, she is a political, economic, history minded, and dietary lightweight. Come to think of that, I knew that. Oh well.
Tomorrow the gig is on again. A 6:00 swim, a later in the day start-up of my workouts, and perhaps a few bits of business, making sure I know what is coming up regarding appointments and checking the radar for anything I should be doing that is not yet being given the needed attention. I mean to get to bible studies today, however, I cannot find my study guide. I will be looking for it, until I get cross-eyed then I give it a break, and going back when my mind unknots. If that is the extent of my work, so be it. But I hope to have the silly thing found later today, certainly by next Sunday. If not, I will have to seek the material elsewhere. Hey, I am not perfect!
Bah, I am a humble fool who tries. Perhaps less. That being so, I best get back to simply trying (and more than other people’s nerves(?)).
Food wise, his suggestion was pretty much to avoid sugars and to some degree, excess fats. Well, ok, the QoD is right about some of this, if she just gets freaky overboard. Skinless chicken, sirloin or maybe t-bone, smaller portions, but Wheaties and Cheerios are just fine. Honestly, I will take a competitor muscled guys word over Miss Misery’s word, at least on this, any day. She is still fun, as long as I do not talk about anything serious, she is a political, economic, history minded, and dietary lightweight. Come to think of that, I knew that. Oh well.
Tomorrow the gig is on again. A 6:00 swim, a later in the day start-up of my workouts, and perhaps a few bits of business, making sure I know what is coming up regarding appointments and checking the radar for anything I should be doing that is not yet being given the needed attention. I mean to get to bible studies today, however, I cannot find my study guide. I will be looking for it, until I get cross-eyed then I give it a break, and going back when my mind unknots. If that is the extent of my work, so be it. But I hope to have the silly thing found later today, certainly by next Sunday. If not, I will have to seek the material elsewhere. Hey, I am not perfect!
Bah, I am a humble fool who tries. Perhaps less. That being so, I best get back to simply trying (and more than other people’s nerves(?)).
Saturday, July 19, 2008
A feeling, a bad one, but… just a feeling?
I keep running into negatives on my route of my disability. Sometimes it is little, sometimes it is large. Sometimes it is just a word of doubt… should you? can you? do you really want to? Sometimes it is wholesale resistance through avoidance, not giving me enough information to plan well, and people who should be helping according to legal, moral, or social connections with me or my case simply not helping as they really should.
I have been thinking about this. Married guys, though happy, seem disinterested in my getting married. I wonder if it is a form of jealousy. Being single, without children, and making just about exactly $40,000 a year after taxes, with medical benefits, is not bad if it could be a lot better. More so since all I have to do to receive it is... exactly nothing. If I wished to be single and to not have to work for a living, I suppose that would be perfect. And, I think many would like to trade places. This, I am very sure, affects some of the people I know professionally and socially. Though I must wonder if they see me as not worthy of marriage, incapable of work, or something else? Perhaps, and maybe in the past that was true. I am hoping this will turn around as this new effort begins to bear much more fruit. It is frustrating.
It is tiring, however, to run into this. Perhaps they mean to put the nubs to my run, perhaps they just mean to remind me to go slow, but some of them mean to hurt me. It is direct, if merely, usually, simply a slight a cut a jab. I am working like I have not worked in decades. And, yes, I even find it in the Church, though I think that is directly political. The Church, as a place, seems to have been womanified, feminized really. I knew that, this being a college town. Of course, there are some options, even locally, to deal with that. There is more, perhaps, to it. It is odd that the most “liberal” people can be, and often are and exhibit it, more prejudiced when they do not like the politics of someone. I have seen this before, much more strongly though, if in very different circles.
On other matters, it looks like I will be heading to my Iowa Mother’s home to help her move out. I will not be able to work out while there, but that might easily be tended in getting her moved. She has many things to move and I suspect I will be doing a large part of that. Next month will be busy, but taking a week to help before school starts has the extra benefit in that it will be a long time before I get back to see her. School will be very trying with three classes, my exercise regimen, and my stacking up Church work. I probably will not visit her until spring.
I almost decided it was bed time. But, I do not need to be “up” at 6:00 tomorrow. Midnight is fine as a weekend bedtime, though it would be good to start getting to bed earlier and regularly. A storm is coming through though, and I like seeing those, so later to bed it will most likely be. Goodnight.
I have been thinking about this. Married guys, though happy, seem disinterested in my getting married. I wonder if it is a form of jealousy. Being single, without children, and making just about exactly $40,000 a year after taxes, with medical benefits, is not bad if it could be a lot better. More so since all I have to do to receive it is... exactly nothing. If I wished to be single and to not have to work for a living, I suppose that would be perfect. And, I think many would like to trade places. This, I am very sure, affects some of the people I know professionally and socially. Though I must wonder if they see me as not worthy of marriage, incapable of work, or something else? Perhaps, and maybe in the past that was true. I am hoping this will turn around as this new effort begins to bear much more fruit. It is frustrating.
It is tiring, however, to run into this. Perhaps they mean to put the nubs to my run, perhaps they just mean to remind me to go slow, but some of them mean to hurt me. It is direct, if merely, usually, simply a slight a cut a jab. I am working like I have not worked in decades. And, yes, I even find it in the Church, though I think that is directly political. The Church, as a place, seems to have been womanified, feminized really. I knew that, this being a college town. Of course, there are some options, even locally, to deal with that. There is more, perhaps, to it. It is odd that the most “liberal” people can be, and often are and exhibit it, more prejudiced when they do not like the politics of someone. I have seen this before, much more strongly though, if in very different circles.
On other matters, it looks like I will be heading to my Iowa Mother’s home to help her move out. I will not be able to work out while there, but that might easily be tended in getting her moved. She has many things to move and I suspect I will be doing a large part of that. Next month will be busy, but taking a week to help before school starts has the extra benefit in that it will be a long time before I get back to see her. School will be very trying with three classes, my exercise regimen, and my stacking up Church work. I probably will not visit her until spring.
I almost decided it was bed time. But, I do not need to be “up” at 6:00 tomorrow. Midnight is fine as a weekend bedtime, though it would be good to start getting to bed earlier and regularly. A storm is coming through though, and I like seeing those, so later to bed it will most likely be. Goodnight.
Church, and more.
I did make it to Church, and on time, if barely. Why I seem to have difficulty with time is as yet an unknown. Though, I have not needed to be on time except for a few times a month for quite a while. Perhaps as life takes off, my time management will become better. Perhaps I should use some tool or other to help. My smart phone has some properties which would do this, but they are rather weak at this type of work. In any case, it was very good to be back in my home Church and to receive the Eucharist. Next week I had best get in to reconciliation. I have learned to enjoy that, and I do appreciate it. I lead such a dull life though, my sins are mostly just within. Well, as I begin helping out and being an active helper, I think the other part of sin will be handled too, that is the sin of inaction. I hope to keep my “active” sins down to just thoughts too. I will work on those as I am able.
I took that drive and looked at the paths I used to hike. From what I can see, they are open and in good shape, if a little muddy. They are muddy from recent rain, however, not from the flooding. Though I did not really understand this, from my memory of last years explorations, most of the paths are well above even the flooded water plain. I also found an area that would be good for minor belaying, roping, and even hand climbing. I suspect there are other places for this and I believe the place I remembered will also be good and easy to get too. I did not take the whole path, just a lower part of it, so I can begin re-exploring the area. It is a hunting area and I did see two deer! I will have to pass that on to my friend, the archer and neighbor type. I did a little bit of hiking, to see both sides of the potential climbing area, from top to bottom. Though wearing better shoes and dressed for church still, I did a bit of bare handed rock climbing. I was able to get up to the top more quickly, and as I said, I had no plans on a full out marching hike or extra work out. I did the climb fairly well, at least for never having done so before. This could be really cool! Drats, I did not check to see if the swimming area nearby had been reconditioned and prepped for swimming. I would love to go for a hike, and or a climb, then take a dip, coming home cooled and ready for anything else.
Though tomorrow is relaxation time, I do need to get new goggles. My old ones leak so that I am swimming with a bit of water in them at all times. Even that little bit really caused me to have red eyes and it burns, worse over time and through repetition. I think I am going to start reading the bible on Sundays as well. I have a study format, I just need to use it.
I saw this in my review of the news, recently, and thought to share it. It is too funny, but yet quite interesting. I cannot tell, from the little I have seen, whether I will like the band, but I will have to buy one of the CDs and find out. It certainly caught my attention. Here is the link to the heavy metal monk article and clip.
I took that drive and looked at the paths I used to hike. From what I can see, they are open and in good shape, if a little muddy. They are muddy from recent rain, however, not from the flooding. Though I did not really understand this, from my memory of last years explorations, most of the paths are well above even the flooded water plain. I also found an area that would be good for minor belaying, roping, and even hand climbing. I suspect there are other places for this and I believe the place I remembered will also be good and easy to get too. I did not take the whole path, just a lower part of it, so I can begin re-exploring the area. It is a hunting area and I did see two deer! I will have to pass that on to my friend, the archer and neighbor type. I did a little bit of hiking, to see both sides of the potential climbing area, from top to bottom. Though wearing better shoes and dressed for church still, I did a bit of bare handed rock climbing. I was able to get up to the top more quickly, and as I said, I had no plans on a full out marching hike or extra work out. I did the climb fairly well, at least for never having done so before. This could be really cool! Drats, I did not check to see if the swimming area nearby had been reconditioned and prepped for swimming. I would love to go for a hike, and or a climb, then take a dip, coming home cooled and ready for anything else.
Though tomorrow is relaxation time, I do need to get new goggles. My old ones leak so that I am swimming with a bit of water in them at all times. Even that little bit really caused me to have red eyes and it burns, worse over time and through repetition. I think I am going to start reading the bible on Sundays as well. I have a study format, I just need to use it.
I saw this in my review of the news, recently, and thought to share it. It is too funny, but yet quite interesting. I cannot tell, from the little I have seen, whether I will like the band, but I will have to buy one of the CDs and find out. It certainly caught my attention. Here is the link to the heavy metal monk article and clip.
I may have reasoned upon a source.
While I was out looking at exercise equipment, I went to several places. In spite of being referred to as used equipment outlets, most of what was available and all of what I was looking for was offered only as new. Several of the places had mere workers, salesmen and women of standard stock. However, at the place I found what I would buy should I have the money, the salesman was not stock. If he does not compete in muscle competitions, it is not from a lack of physique. The man, unworked, was bigger than some competitors I have seen. He is impressive. While thinking about my equipment needs today, I thought… why not talk to him?
Now, it is not my intent to compete. Nor is it my intent to get that big, my intent is almost the opposite. Even when I benched 550 or more, I did not look like him. Actually, I looked downright anemic compared to my strength, which is how I prefer it. Still, I think he might know a thing or two and might be able to either offer advice, put me in touch with someone else who can, suggest written materials, or some combination of those, for getting this thing off the ground better and faster. I will be dropping by his shop this coming week and seeing about that.
Now that this thing is on the road, I do not think I could stop if I wanted to stop. Food, now, is my issue. I think good food will help me only slightly less than being in shape. Maybe more, slightly, if it helps get in and keep in shape. I should start studying though, as the brain must be along for the ride or it will simply become a secondary consideration. A trifecta? Not quite, as all must come across the line together. I will bet on that.
After Church, I am hoping to go scout my former hiking trail. After the flood, it may simply not exist or it may be too soft, muddy, or buggy to use. I now have climbing gear, much of it anyway, and there were places for small climbs along that path so I am hoping some of it remains. No exercise this weekend, this is just preparation, mind you.
Now, it is not my intent to compete. Nor is it my intent to get that big, my intent is almost the opposite. Even when I benched 550 or more, I did not look like him. Actually, I looked downright anemic compared to my strength, which is how I prefer it. Still, I think he might know a thing or two and might be able to either offer advice, put me in touch with someone else who can, suggest written materials, or some combination of those, for getting this thing off the ground better and faster. I will be dropping by his shop this coming week and seeing about that.
Now that this thing is on the road, I do not think I could stop if I wanted to stop. Food, now, is my issue. I think good food will help me only slightly less than being in shape. Maybe more, slightly, if it helps get in and keep in shape. I should start studying though, as the brain must be along for the ride or it will simply become a secondary consideration. A trifecta? Not quite, as all must come across the line together. I will bet on that.
After Church, I am hoping to go scout my former hiking trail. After the flood, it may simply not exist or it may be too soft, muddy, or buggy to use. I now have climbing gear, much of it anyway, and there were places for small climbs along that path so I am hoping some of it remains. No exercise this weekend, this is just preparation, mind you.
I cannot complain.
Before you think about it, yes, I completed setting up my exercises for next week and yesterday as I had planned. I have added 30-40% to my weight lifting. It will be a bit of a challenge, but… my world has changed. Being at the mercy of that water yet fighting back hard and heavy gained me access to that within which I had kept hidden. It seems that whatever I went through in the past, whatever harsh realities my mind keeps hidden, that knot of reality had decided that some significant reserves of my capabilities be kept on reserve for “serious situations”. Having come home, then lived in such a docile world here, those reserves were untouchable. With the changes in medication to even allow access, then the situation to call it forth, I may have, if not broken that barrier, opened the door or developed some type of path into God’s Country. I will have to push, but I want to not only open that door but eventually just remove the door and create a hallway into that land. I can see it now, now, I want it.
My friend emailed back with lots of information. I have some emails to send, some other contacts to make, an order to create, and some people to have face to face interviews with. This means I am opening the Church door, the academic door, and the physical door. Thankfully, everything takes time. And, I am working on my body now so that when these other facets begin coming into their own, I will be far more ready to handle the extra demand. I have become so much a believer in the physical aspect being the driver for the rest, however, that I am going to add another element to my life. I am going to begin capturing availabilities, costs, and schedules for local swimming, weight lifting, physical activities, and other such knowledge and offer it to the V.A. Vocational Rehabilitation officers (and possibly the University’s disability services) and offering to be a point man in helping people get in and get it done. I cannot really be a permanent trainer for people, but I would like to help them figure out from point A to point B, and perhaps help them by “holding their hand” through their first attempts at this for encouragement, locality guidance, and assurance that they are doing fine and can do this. That would have helped me a lot, a long time ago. Sure, I have come this far on my own, but it was a lot harder and longer this way. Heck, you never know. Perhaps one of my people might end up being my best work-out mates (or rich and grateful:p).
Today is Church day. And I really want to be there because I do not want to “have to” be up early tomorrow. As well, there is the chance I will not be able to get up early tomorrow. Though I have been making the 6:00 swims, and plan to continue doing so, it has been difficult, and I am doing it in a bass ackward way, in that I have been staying up to make sure I get there rather than just getting up earlier. Blah! Bah! And Fooey, I do believe.
Oh, to you knew guy… Never worry about my responses. Even if I seem to spitter, sputter, or spatter, I do not really get riled. I do like checking the nature of what seems an assault, but… Meh, I have had worse almost no matter. I just like to know what the purpose is. And, though I jab and parry, it is just for fun. If I hurt your feelings, and you started it, deal with it. If I hurt your feelings all on my own, just remember… critical thinking. *laughs*
Oh, about food. I remembered yesterday, whilst speaking with the Dread Queen about food that I had talked to my nurse about food before I went on vacation. She suggested I arrange an appointment with the dietician at the V.A. She suggested that I could get a really good heads up about nutrition and could possibly make a fresh dietary start there. I am definitely eating less, and the quality has picked up (for the most part) recently, but I am still quite off. For example, though I do not eat those sugary kid’s cereals, I had thought Cheereos and Corn Flakes would be good. The Dread Queen read the contents, and yeah, ok… cardboard with sugar, more or less. I told you she was sometimes correct. Well, then, what to eat? Affordability and preparation, cooking, cleaning after all demand large quantities of time, and if I really eat right and eat 5 to 6 small meals a day, that time adds up very fast. Anyway, that is out there now too.
There is enough to think about for a bit. Be good, eat well, avoid stray (or especially not) bullets, and think about God, your place in life, and how much you really have, even if you too are a poor cripple.
My friend emailed back with lots of information. I have some emails to send, some other contacts to make, an order to create, and some people to have face to face interviews with. This means I am opening the Church door, the academic door, and the physical door. Thankfully, everything takes time. And, I am working on my body now so that when these other facets begin coming into their own, I will be far more ready to handle the extra demand. I have become so much a believer in the physical aspect being the driver for the rest, however, that I am going to add another element to my life. I am going to begin capturing availabilities, costs, and schedules for local swimming, weight lifting, physical activities, and other such knowledge and offer it to the V.A. Vocational Rehabilitation officers (and possibly the University’s disability services) and offering to be a point man in helping people get in and get it done. I cannot really be a permanent trainer for people, but I would like to help them figure out from point A to point B, and perhaps help them by “holding their hand” through their first attempts at this for encouragement, locality guidance, and assurance that they are doing fine and can do this. That would have helped me a lot, a long time ago. Sure, I have come this far on my own, but it was a lot harder and longer this way. Heck, you never know. Perhaps one of my people might end up being my best work-out mates (or rich and grateful:p).
Today is Church day. And I really want to be there because I do not want to “have to” be up early tomorrow. As well, there is the chance I will not be able to get up early tomorrow. Though I have been making the 6:00 swims, and plan to continue doing so, it has been difficult, and I am doing it in a bass ackward way, in that I have been staying up to make sure I get there rather than just getting up earlier. Blah! Bah! And Fooey, I do believe.
Oh, to you knew guy… Never worry about my responses. Even if I seem to spitter, sputter, or spatter, I do not really get riled. I do like checking the nature of what seems an assault, but… Meh, I have had worse almost no matter. I just like to know what the purpose is. And, though I jab and parry, it is just for fun. If I hurt your feelings, and you started it, deal with it. If I hurt your feelings all on my own, just remember… critical thinking. *laughs*
Oh, about food. I remembered yesterday, whilst speaking with the Dread Queen about food that I had talked to my nurse about food before I went on vacation. She suggested I arrange an appointment with the dietician at the V.A. She suggested that I could get a really good heads up about nutrition and could possibly make a fresh dietary start there. I am definitely eating less, and the quality has picked up (for the most part) recently, but I am still quite off. For example, though I do not eat those sugary kid’s cereals, I had thought Cheereos and Corn Flakes would be good. The Dread Queen read the contents, and yeah, ok… cardboard with sugar, more or less. I told you she was sometimes correct. Well, then, what to eat? Affordability and preparation, cooking, cleaning after all demand large quantities of time, and if I really eat right and eat 5 to 6 small meals a day, that time adds up very fast. Anyway, that is out there now too.
There is enough to think about for a bit. Be good, eat well, avoid stray (or especially not) bullets, and think about God, your place in life, and how much you really have, even if you too are a poor cripple.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I got a lot done, and had an intruder… well, the QoD anyway.
Lots of things were done this day. Everything I had planned to do. I made six or seven calls, some of them a bit more involved, some of them more irritating than functional, but so be it. I was not able to do much more, however, as my last fiancée, now friend, came over to do her laundry. I see no reason to end the friendship, even if we disagree on almost everything. She is liberal when I am conservative, and vise versa. I think it is more of a psychic dance we do than anything else. Wait, no… I think it is real. Even blind to each other’s notions on a subject, we both seem to just pick the opposite side every time. I can honestly say that, when she is being reasonable and takes the time explaining things, I have found everything from a grain to a whole truth in what she says. Still, that is rare… I look, she really never does. I grow, she stagnates, liberalism I guess.
I phoned my Mom, she was supposed to call back tonight. She is on a little vacation herself, she has sadly sold her house (though I support her, and her choices, I will miss the place (and space when I visit). I was hoping to talk to her about a few things, but not today I guess. Wow, dissed by my own Mom. Meh, I have others. I also called my new V.A. Voc. Rehab. handler. I am back to square one with this guy. He is about as enthused about being involved with my case as he is about sky diving without a parachute. It certainly is warming on my end to speak with a fish, let me tell you. I was going to let him know what was happening, but he really did not care. Paperwork, he said. When I have it, then call and we might see about an appointment, perhaps. I hope you never need a bureaucrat for help. The rest of the calls were business, none of which is yours. :p
I have been up all day, so I am really looking forward to sleep. As I have said, Saturday and Sunday are non-exercise days, I do not even think I will necessarily begin studying. Who knows on that last though, right now I am too tired to think. Great, I should sleep very well. Hmm, I should not, but… I am considering writing more of the story I had started. I suppose I got lost in life, and for a while exhaustion, then I lost track. I pulled everything down, put it in one file, and started to read and re-edit it. No promises, and I do not know when or truly if, but I would like to get back to creative writing.
Life is good.
I phoned my Mom, she was supposed to call back tonight. She is on a little vacation herself, she has sadly sold her house (though I support her, and her choices, I will miss the place (and space when I visit). I was hoping to talk to her about a few things, but not today I guess. Wow, dissed by my own Mom. Meh, I have others. I also called my new V.A. Voc. Rehab. handler. I am back to square one with this guy. He is about as enthused about being involved with my case as he is about sky diving without a parachute. It certainly is warming on my end to speak with a fish, let me tell you. I was going to let him know what was happening, but he really did not care. Paperwork, he said. When I have it, then call and we might see about an appointment, perhaps. I hope you never need a bureaucrat for help. The rest of the calls were business, none of which is yours. :p
I have been up all day, so I am really looking forward to sleep. As I have said, Saturday and Sunday are non-exercise days, I do not even think I will necessarily begin studying. Who knows on that last though, right now I am too tired to think. Great, I should sleep very well. Hmm, I should not, but… I am considering writing more of the story I had started. I suppose I got lost in life, and for a while exhaustion, then I lost track. I pulled everything down, put it in one file, and started to read and re-edit it. No promises, and I do not know when or truly if, but I would like to get back to creative writing.
Life is good.
Swimming, again.
I had to hustle. I walked today. As I said I was going to try and do. I thought I would be late, but I was just in time, as they were just letting people in as I arrived. I think I surprised some, it must be that newcomers often do not return. I plan to be there, like clockwork. I realized we have two hours and fifteen minutes to swim, so I meant to use more of that. However, after only an hour, my foot was beginning to get cramps. And, no, I was not swimming that whole time. A bit of trouble with my goggles leaking and being unfit made it a swim, rest, repeat thing. But, I did swim as much as I could. I had meant to swim more but as I said, cramps. Then, as I got out, my left leg cramped. As I was trying to soothe that, the other leg got jealous, and the foot yelled out a time or two more. I must be doing something right. Today, however, I will not be napping… at least for as long as I may stay up. I have a few phone calls to make, as I had mentioned. I have already made one of them and hope to make another very shortly. The others will have to wait until I can either find the numbers or get other things straightened out or both in a few cases.
I also enjoyed the walk last night, and then again not so long ago. I might have to take another if I am feeling a little sleepy. It does not really wake me up, but it does keep me from sleeping. Oh, the library! My dinner mate suggested a book, “Kissing Dating Goodbye”, I believe. It is a Christian based guide to change the old habits relating to dating into techniques for seriously looking for a spouse. I am sure I have hold backs, foibles, and such. My whole system, to this point, has been catch and release, whether I meant it to be or not I think. And though I think I have changed some of that, having a little help sorting out successful and unsuccessful manners, ways, romancing could be essential.
Wow, what a week. I think I still want to wrap up a few things, like finishing the weight training program for the next six weeks, making those calls, sorting out a few remaining things here in the apartment while also neatening the place just a tad. But Saturday and Sunday are my days off. Any walking or exercise I do will only be done as a part of some other things I might want to do, avoiding strain and stress really, if trying to stay active and involved. Church is certainly on the agenda. Perhaps I could read my physics and statics books as well. If not without stress, it certainly is without physical strain.
I also enjoyed the walk last night, and then again not so long ago. I might have to take another if I am feeling a little sleepy. It does not really wake me up, but it does keep me from sleeping. Oh, the library! My dinner mate suggested a book, “Kissing Dating Goodbye”, I believe. It is a Christian based guide to change the old habits relating to dating into techniques for seriously looking for a spouse. I am sure I have hold backs, foibles, and such. My whole system, to this point, has been catch and release, whether I meant it to be or not I think. And though I think I have changed some of that, having a little help sorting out successful and unsuccessful manners, ways, romancing could be essential.
Wow, what a week. I think I still want to wrap up a few things, like finishing the weight training program for the next six weeks, making those calls, sorting out a few remaining things here in the apartment while also neatening the place just a tad. But Saturday and Sunday are my days off. Any walking or exercise I do will only be done as a part of some other things I might want to do, avoiding strain and stress really, if trying to stay active and involved. Church is certainly on the agenda. Perhaps I could read my physics and statics books as well. If not without stress, it certainly is without physical strain.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
A pleasant walk in the rain.
Yes, that means I did half of my weight training setup. More than half, but that is not the point. After doing so, and with what at first was a gentle pouring of heaven water, I strode through the nearly deserted streets toward a drought or two. Two, if you must be nosy. And, not small those. As well, an order of onion rings and a dessert cup or two… they were quite small. Did I deserve it? You know, I think I did. Was it good for me? In some way, yes. So long as it is not a daily event, I will deal with it.
Tomorrow morning I will go swimming again. I will be swimming on the same days I lift weights, but I think that will work out. Though I might take a nap after swimming until I get my endurance up. And? I have pictures to prove what I look like now, and a few witnesses who will only see me every six months to a year. I am out to prove something. I am not trying to prove that I am strong, that I can be a big man, or any of that jazz. I am out to prove that I am no longer retired, disabled if you must. Through school, through exercise, through social and moral involvements, and more stridently, through a growing strength of character through religious devotion and love for my fellows. Actually, that last is the more difficult.
It is not more difficult because it is a harder task. It is more difficult because, for my part, it must be genuine. I know me, and I know people. I know that sometimes it will be a strain, on my nature. If you do not know, understand I am a warrior, a hunter-killer, a death dealer. If it seems there is no trace of it in my history, you just do not understand. It is in my heart. No matter what else I become, that will always be secondary to my true calling. My memories, my dreams, my day dreams, and my thoughts… they posses me in some ways. Even tamed by therapy, I have no means of denying my nature when duty calls or reality threatens. I am what I am.
Still, I do not live in those times and in that way, anymore, barring dreams and such. I have learned I live in a different place. Even defending myself must be done with reason, or I will kill without more than a flicker of reason. I am a switchblade from behind, a machine gun or shotgun up front, and poison from the mists. Even if I love, care, and hope. This will never really pass, the rest of my life, as a professional if I get there, a husband should that happen, or a father if God sees fit to bless me, these will be secondaries no matter my intent.
Wow, but life has so changed. Now I can be a secondary. I have leveraged enough away from that reality that life may begin anew. I feel more than blessed, I am becoming whole and warm, full of life and willing to share that. I only hope I may not need the old life soon, so that this temporary mend may become more permanent. That reason and love will at least settle my yearning for justice, war, and native combat instincts. Time, the healer of all things, I pray to God this little four letter word is on my side this time.
So, swimming tomorrow. Then a few phone calls, perhaps a walk, a conversation with the neighbor(s), and perhaps a little shopping. Groceries need to be bought, especially since the kitchen is more ordered and dishes are clean. What a wonderful life, a wonderful chance, and a grace to enjoy. I hope you find some sense of this in your little sphere of our shared world. I will speak with Father, before I rest, and ask that we all know and share a little piece of that which I feel, sense, know. Blessings be with you.
Tomorrow morning I will go swimming again. I will be swimming on the same days I lift weights, but I think that will work out. Though I might take a nap after swimming until I get my endurance up. And? I have pictures to prove what I look like now, and a few witnesses who will only see me every six months to a year. I am out to prove something. I am not trying to prove that I am strong, that I can be a big man, or any of that jazz. I am out to prove that I am no longer retired, disabled if you must. Through school, through exercise, through social and moral involvements, and more stridently, through a growing strength of character through religious devotion and love for my fellows. Actually, that last is the more difficult.
It is not more difficult because it is a harder task. It is more difficult because, for my part, it must be genuine. I know me, and I know people. I know that sometimes it will be a strain, on my nature. If you do not know, understand I am a warrior, a hunter-killer, a death dealer. If it seems there is no trace of it in my history, you just do not understand. It is in my heart. No matter what else I become, that will always be secondary to my true calling. My memories, my dreams, my day dreams, and my thoughts… they posses me in some ways. Even tamed by therapy, I have no means of denying my nature when duty calls or reality threatens. I am what I am.
Still, I do not live in those times and in that way, anymore, barring dreams and such. I have learned I live in a different place. Even defending myself must be done with reason, or I will kill without more than a flicker of reason. I am a switchblade from behind, a machine gun or shotgun up front, and poison from the mists. Even if I love, care, and hope. This will never really pass, the rest of my life, as a professional if I get there, a husband should that happen, or a father if God sees fit to bless me, these will be secondaries no matter my intent.
Wow, but life has so changed. Now I can be a secondary. I have leveraged enough away from that reality that life may begin anew. I feel more than blessed, I am becoming whole and warm, full of life and willing to share that. I only hope I may not need the old life soon, so that this temporary mend may become more permanent. That reason and love will at least settle my yearning for justice, war, and native combat instincts. Time, the healer of all things, I pray to God this little four letter word is on my side this time.
So, swimming tomorrow. Then a few phone calls, perhaps a walk, a conversation with the neighbor(s), and perhaps a little shopping. Groceries need to be bought, especially since the kitchen is more ordered and dishes are clean. What a wonderful life, a wonderful chance, and a grace to enjoy. I hope you find some sense of this in your little sphere of our shared world. I will speak with Father, before I rest, and ask that we all know and share a little piece of that which I feel, sense, know. Blessings be with you.
What a day!
My sleep schedule seems to have shifted. With the day being as hot as it is, well into the 90’s with that typical low Iowa summer humidity of between 99 and 100 percent (well, close enough ;P), I think my body just adjusts to try and sleep during the coolest times of the day. Even with the central air, and it running gangbangers, my body knows it’s not really that cool and just will not sleep. I tend to sleep less while my sleep cycle is being subverted. I think I had suggested that a way to wake up was to make the house hotter in the morning… Now, this works, but I have no way to do the reverse, and trick my body into sleeping during the hot times of the day. I must admit, until about 5 years ago, my sleep cycles were so messed up that I had no real chance to control them. Sleeping as much as 3 days in a row, consistently, or staying up as long as 10 days (no kidding, stop doubting me when I tell you these things). So, I should be grateful that I am now sleeping daily, that I usually sleep between 4 and 10 hours with 8 being the most common number of eyelid checking times and it is continuous mostly, even if I have not quite figured out how to control when, in the summer anyway.
Still, I got up this afternoon, around 12:00 or 14:00 or something. I did clown around while figuring out what legs are for, again. After 40 some years on this planet, why do I need to go through this every time I wake up still? Anyway, I got to my kneeups, then checked email, blogs, and news, then began making a plan. Several people did not get a call who need a call, though there is no rush on those… still, before I get too backed up, I best get to those. I did visit my barber friend, picked up the shampoo that was on sale and a good supply of it. I am trying out other styles of it, so I got 4 bottles. I usually stock up at sales anyway, so… I was actually just sitting around while he was cutting men’s hair. I felt like I was in a little bit of Americana. You read about people stopping in to the barbers, in times gone by, just to talk sometimes. Well, I did that. He has suggested I stop by now and again, and I plan to do just that. He seems a little busy this week to do anything, but maybe next week we will go out for a draw or maybe a specialty beer at one of the local establishments. I am not sure how set he is, financially, and I certainly do not wish to cause him economic harm, nor can I afford to just buy another’s never ending cup, if I will gladly start off the event with a starter round or two. Well, actually, that is almost as much as I drink these days. Oh well.
After that, I made it downtown in plenty of time to walk around a bit before supper. I am surprised that I can so easily handle the heat and humidity. My strength is there, to some degree, but my endurance is still a little shy. We will see what I can do about that in the time I have. After picking up some cash from an ATM, stopping by another place for a coffee, and then just window shopping on my way to the restaurant, I was in time to be the first in the place. My friend showed up just enough later for me to get cooled down and settled, perfect.
He had not eaten at this place, nor was he familiar with the food. Falafel, hummus, pita bread, and the works. I usually have lamb, skewered, with hummus and eggplant mash (as I call it). I suggested something similar, which he went with. This time, however, I went with the falafel. I think I will stick with the eggplant goo next time, but he did not prefer that. (just in case you were curious?) We talked about a number of things, his family, his children (many daughters, one son who also happens to be the youngest and probably the last). He (or they, or… she mostly) home schools, though they have a strong Catholic home schooling association in this part of the state. There are a number of things I was curious about, aside from these things.
Beyond information regarding home schooling materials including specifically a course in Latin so that I might do self-studies and see if the material works (to my way of thinking), for now, connections later if other things work out, I was curious about prison ministry or outreach, Latin Masses, which will be starting up locally in August, information regarding a number of people with whom I joined the church, and a few other odds and ends. He happened to need help in getting a man moved. One of our parishioners had asked him to help. He does this, on occasion, but will be out of town so he has asked me to help, and further, to go to a nearby city to pick up a truck (all of them locally being taken) and then drive that truck and help move the man. Well, it looks like I stepped into it, but that is what I was planning on doing.
Two years ago I would have said you were mad if you told me what I am and am starting to do. Perhaps, just maybe, I am insane. But I have faith, some energy, a direction, and some serious hunger. That does not mean it will work, but life is not digital, it is analog which means things happen as they do, and we just seem to hold on until we are forced, or best advised and then wisely follow that advice and, let go. Oh, right. I think I am going to get at least some of my work out schedule created tonight. I may never be a 19 year old machine again, but I could do alright. Who knows, maybe I will be even better for my maturity and focus? Meh, I am just looking to be a better man, if I do that, it is good.
Nice, it might be starting to rain and storm. I might have to, after taking care of half of my weight set up configuration, grab my rain gear and head out for a long walk and a beer somewhere. Sounds zippity tasty to me. If I can avoid the lightning... Bah, I would just ride it if it tried anything!
Still, I got up this afternoon, around 12:00 or 14:00 or something. I did clown around while figuring out what legs are for, again. After 40 some years on this planet, why do I need to go through this every time I wake up still? Anyway, I got to my kneeups, then checked email, blogs, and news, then began making a plan. Several people did not get a call who need a call, though there is no rush on those… still, before I get too backed up, I best get to those. I did visit my barber friend, picked up the shampoo that was on sale and a good supply of it. I am trying out other styles of it, so I got 4 bottles. I usually stock up at sales anyway, so… I was actually just sitting around while he was cutting men’s hair. I felt like I was in a little bit of Americana. You read about people stopping in to the barbers, in times gone by, just to talk sometimes. Well, I did that. He has suggested I stop by now and again, and I plan to do just that. He seems a little busy this week to do anything, but maybe next week we will go out for a draw or maybe a specialty beer at one of the local establishments. I am not sure how set he is, financially, and I certainly do not wish to cause him economic harm, nor can I afford to just buy another’s never ending cup, if I will gladly start off the event with a starter round or two. Well, actually, that is almost as much as I drink these days. Oh well.
After that, I made it downtown in plenty of time to walk around a bit before supper. I am surprised that I can so easily handle the heat and humidity. My strength is there, to some degree, but my endurance is still a little shy. We will see what I can do about that in the time I have. After picking up some cash from an ATM, stopping by another place for a coffee, and then just window shopping on my way to the restaurant, I was in time to be the first in the place. My friend showed up just enough later for me to get cooled down and settled, perfect.
He had not eaten at this place, nor was he familiar with the food. Falafel, hummus, pita bread, and the works. I usually have lamb, skewered, with hummus and eggplant mash (as I call it). I suggested something similar, which he went with. This time, however, I went with the falafel. I think I will stick with the eggplant goo next time, but he did not prefer that. (just in case you were curious?) We talked about a number of things, his family, his children (many daughters, one son who also happens to be the youngest and probably the last). He (or they, or… she mostly) home schools, though they have a strong Catholic home schooling association in this part of the state. There are a number of things I was curious about, aside from these things.
Beyond information regarding home schooling materials including specifically a course in Latin so that I might do self-studies and see if the material works (to my way of thinking), for now, connections later if other things work out, I was curious about prison ministry or outreach, Latin Masses, which will be starting up locally in August, information regarding a number of people with whom I joined the church, and a few other odds and ends. He happened to need help in getting a man moved. One of our parishioners had asked him to help. He does this, on occasion, but will be out of town so he has asked me to help, and further, to go to a nearby city to pick up a truck (all of them locally being taken) and then drive that truck and help move the man. Well, it looks like I stepped into it, but that is what I was planning on doing.
Two years ago I would have said you were mad if you told me what I am and am starting to do. Perhaps, just maybe, I am insane. But I have faith, some energy, a direction, and some serious hunger. That does not mean it will work, but life is not digital, it is analog which means things happen as they do, and we just seem to hold on until we are forced, or best advised and then wisely follow that advice and, let go. Oh, right. I think I am going to get at least some of my work out schedule created tonight. I may never be a 19 year old machine again, but I could do alright. Who knows, maybe I will be even better for my maturity and focus? Meh, I am just looking to be a better man, if I do that, it is good.
Nice, it might be starting to rain and storm. I might have to, after taking care of half of my weight set up configuration, grab my rain gear and head out for a long walk and a beer somewhere. Sounds zippity tasty to me. If I can avoid the lightning... Bah, I would just ride it if it tried anything!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Setups? I think not.
I finally got around to trying to do setups. What I have found is that I cannot do them without assistance. I tried tucking my feet under the couch, but the poor thing cannot hold my feet or itself down. However, I can do leg pull ups. Well, mostly. Let us just say that I cannot quite yet tuck my knees into my chest. With little effort, I can do 40 of these though. I think I will begin doing these on a daily basis. I suspect doing them in the morning, before showering and breakfast, might be the way to go. That game is on. Tomorrow I will begin setting up my workouts for next week.
I was not able to see my barber today. I had something going from 6:00 to 15:00 however, and it did wear me out. I have that on the agenda for tomorrow also. As well, my Catholic intake friend has suggested a 17:15 meal. We will be feasting on a Mediterranean fare, lamb, pita, hummus, and a few other niceties. So, tomorrow looks to be busy too. Good. Even if I do not get everything done, that I work on the list in a reasonable manner, make actual set appointments, and add a few extras like blogging and contacting people, I think I will be fine with that. How much of life really does slip away because we simply cannot do it all? I suspect, regardless of our condition or purpose, intent or honesty, strength or endurance, we are limited little creatures.
I have been thinking about looking over my physics, calculus, and statics books as a preview for this fall. After speaking with my advisor, I feel more confident. I will probably start a little heavier than I had initially thought, then as per her advice, take a lighter (at least according to credits if not according to reality) course load this spring. It looks like I will be taking an intro to physics, statics, and another course this fall. That should put me in the hot seat. I will allow, that first week, a drop if the group seems too steep for a startup. Barring that, I will just have to dig in and go for broke. In the spring, engineering problem solving II and intro to physics II will be on the menu. I need to speak with the V.A. about the suggestions, and a computer, and let them know where things stand. I have had to apply as a returning student and that process will take two to three weeks. *sigh* Still, it is happening, however slowly.
Oh, one thing to note. If you put away childish things and ways, step up to the plate, and nod that you are ready… expect fast and hard balls, even curve balls. I am a bit surprised how quickly people expect you to be playing hard ball once you step out of the dugout, even if they know you just came from the bleachers. If a little intimidating, this time I am a little better prepared, and becoming much more so and faster than ever before. What a world! Should you choose this mission, be ready.
I was not able to see my barber today. I had something going from 6:00 to 15:00 however, and it did wear me out. I have that on the agenda for tomorrow also. As well, my Catholic intake friend has suggested a 17:15 meal. We will be feasting on a Mediterranean fare, lamb, pita, hummus, and a few other niceties. So, tomorrow looks to be busy too. Good. Even if I do not get everything done, that I work on the list in a reasonable manner, make actual set appointments, and add a few extras like blogging and contacting people, I think I will be fine with that. How much of life really does slip away because we simply cannot do it all? I suspect, regardless of our condition or purpose, intent or honesty, strength or endurance, we are limited little creatures.
I have been thinking about looking over my physics, calculus, and statics books as a preview for this fall. After speaking with my advisor, I feel more confident. I will probably start a little heavier than I had initially thought, then as per her advice, take a lighter (at least according to credits if not according to reality) course load this spring. It looks like I will be taking an intro to physics, statics, and another course this fall. That should put me in the hot seat. I will allow, that first week, a drop if the group seems too steep for a startup. Barring that, I will just have to dig in and go for broke. In the spring, engineering problem solving II and intro to physics II will be on the menu. I need to speak with the V.A. about the suggestions, and a computer, and let them know where things stand. I have had to apply as a returning student and that process will take two to three weeks. *sigh* Still, it is happening, however slowly.
Oh, one thing to note. If you put away childish things and ways, step up to the plate, and nod that you are ready… expect fast and hard balls, even curve balls. I am a bit surprised how quickly people expect you to be playing hard ball once you step out of the dugout, even if they know you just came from the bleachers. If a little intimidating, this time I am a little better prepared, and becoming much more so and faster than ever before. What a world! Should you choose this mission, be ready.
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