Evil and me.

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I keep having a strange notion. This notion indicates that if I simply let go I may see my worldly aims hit their mark. If I release my belief that there are right and wrong I may more freely roam the plains of success. Should I relinquish my understanding of sterling character I may find more friends. And should I give my ideals the slip I might easily find a relief from my pains. My successes would include a career and access to power, my new friends would cover my back while I do whatever I please, and I would no longer need to worry about the hurts that come from betrayal and the many wounds caused by powerful enemies who live outside of my worldview. Beyond, I know that I have been given all the gifts to rise to the top of the dark pile of human moral detritus. To be honest, I think I was born to that. Free will has a way of messing up the best laid plans of mice and demons.

I suppose what I am saying is, if I would just let go and do what my darker instincts suggest, I could have my way. I could have my way with women, I could have a pile of gold, and I could do pretty much anything I want. I am built strongly and smartly enough that I could take what I want and outthink and outmaneuver most, if not all opponents. If I joined others like me, life could be quite pleasurable. Why do I resist? It seems the more I resist, the more resistance I encounter. Whether the resistance is active, in people who know and wish for me to let go, or passively, in people who are drifting in life and who’s hands are evil but who also do not know or understand what they do, I face a formidable enemy who only wants to “get along” so long as I and others offer no resistance.

I remember as a very young pre-teen being offered a “joint”. I refused. I was attacked. I broke his nose in two places, barely getting off my butt to do so. Sure, his friend, a sophomore, came along and beat me down (no broken anything, happily), but I did not submit. I remember being offered a “train”. Not only would I not join, I first asked the woman if this was her wish and when assured she was in on it, I left before the thing left the station. I have been offered evil often. Though I have certainly failed some, no, many tests, there has been a line I have not crossed. I guess I am a prude. I like being a prude. I not only cannot tolerate that step over the line, I recoil from it. Even in those times where I walked, for my part, away from God, I could not walk there. I had walked, for my part, away from God because I thought some of those who claimed to be his people were participants in walking over the line (some where) and because I thought the world itself was so inherently evil that God must not exist, so worship was foolish. Though I still see many of those who claim to be His are false, I now see that is not Him or His will, only the power of His perfection to allow choice. No simple nuance there, only truth when one chooses lines of an objective nature and the truth of our failure therein. I was made to sin, and sin well. I have chosen otherwise.

You know what though? For a prude, I enjoy life so very much. If I am kept from my idea of success, with my God and an attempt to do His will, I cannot fail. If I am not able to find a wife and procreate in praise of His first real command, my life will not be lost and I will not die even then. Sin has never offered me satisfaction. From what I have seen, sin only satisfies itself into further sin so that in the end, those who “enjoy” sin are merely addicts and slaves to their wants, eaten up by the evil of the cycle. They enjoy what they do so little that many commit suicide and other more serious sins as a sign of how dissatisfied they are but which are offered up as “proof” of an enjoyable pleasurable life. They, most of them, know their hands are not their own. They know, by giving up, they have lost control. I pray for them, if I would kill one should he cross certain lines in front of me. And, I pray that God will have some sympathy on my lot and guide me. Should he decide to test me, after what he did on the cross, I must simply submit.

Just some thoughts.

Taking care of business while I drown.

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I finally took care of calling my priest and asking for advice regarding my medical situation. He was not sure what to do, exactly, and it is a long boring story (which I tried to curtail a good deal), so he merely suggested the name of the doctor he sees. I thanked him for his time, he offered to pray for me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He did not yell or think me insane or anything, and I think he understood if he did not know how to proceed exactly. As for me, I think he did well. I immediately searched for the doctor he suggested, online, found his phone number, and placed a call to his office. Haste, for me, is not waste, it is vital to getting something done in these times and ways. The receptionist was not sure she would be able to arrange an appointment since I did not have insurance, so she put me through to the business end of the business. Certainly, was the reply to my query gathered from the previous conversant, I could be seen without insurance. The next two questions went as well, is he seeing new patients and what are his fees if roughly? Yes and within my budget, or at least I have enough in the bank to pay up front, respectively.

I am quite nervous about this and I have nearly a week to get myself together and try to sound coherent, offering a believable story (or, making my true tale sound true, really), and begin taking care of business as I may. I do expect some cynicism. And I worry that doctors prefer not to step on each other’s toes, or practices. I will certainly explain who I received his name from. Going to a priest for help with a cooked up mess is a little less likely for a scammer. And, he will have someone he may speak with as to my nature as far as Father knows me. And, after these last few years, I think the one thing Father knows is even when I possibly should not speak what I believe and truthfully, I do. And I do not spare my own self from that truth. There have only been six or seven situations where we have had contact personally, but I think those contacts were significant. As my singular confessor, as well, he knows it all. And I do mean that. As well, there was a lot to find out. My last few confessions have been quite tame comparatively (but it is still quite important to me and him).

I will, however, not be able to make it to class today. I am going to crash so hard it will hurt. I tried to get caught up for today’s quiz and do the homework. Though I studied long and hard, it just is not working. I spent too much time on physics this week, of the time I had available for serious study. I will have to try and dig in and bail out what I may. I think I can still do this, I am staying up with the ideas, if not the practicum. But I am so tired, so often, and so harshly, that it is going to be nightmarish for a while. In about a week, I will find out if there is a medical assistance available to me. If not, I will struggle through here this term, close up shop, and figure a way out. I may even go a little native by packing everything up, grabbing some last winter kit pieces, a few food items, and heading into wilder winter arenas, probably in Utah. I am almost hoping for that after this betrayal.

Just in case you think I am making this up.

About half of American doctors in a new study regularly give their patients placebo pills without telling them.

The physics test.

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Though study was slow and I really could not dig in, I seem to have done well enough. The professor decided that he wanted more spread on the test so he complicated the material. Instead of acing it, I received between a B and an A, and the statistical spread is better. There was at least one thing on the test I had not seen before and have not been able to find since in a short review. Still, that I did not fail was something. There was another change this time. The professor brought in a bunch of graduate students (I think) to, along with himself, monitor the testing very closely. They had enough people to have two people at each row end, every third or fourth row. They rotated through. When the professor was at the end of my row, I looked up at him. He had hard eyes and seemed quite suspicious, perhaps malevolent, and definitely angry. And, yeah, I took it personally if not badly. He either is not a happy man, right now, or he really doe not like me personally, or so it seems. Never mind, I will put in the work as I can. That I do not believe in physics, other than that which comes from God as does all wisdom, even if my professors do not like that… So be it.

I have another test coming up next Thursday. My study partner is thinking about dropping the course. That will make studying more difficult, as it really helps having a partner for some of the study. And, this material is much more complicated. Beyond that, just reading the material and doing the homework will not get you through this class. Some of it is there, say 2/3rds of the material is in the homework, the rest of it is taking theory and making it functional. There is so much material, that having all theory on tap and making it functional combine to make for very difficult study and testing. I will keep to it, as best as I am able, and let happen what will happen. I will probably need to visit office hours a time or two before the test, I will definitely need to put in some time, the rest is what it will be. Though I feel something with this professor as well, I do not feel the level of dislike. Perhaps he hides things better.

I have called the V.A. to ask for advice on finding a doctor. So far, all I have heard from them is an odd request for my mailing address, suggesting that my address is wrong. The only reason they could believe that is if something came back to them, something they sent. This is odd, because I have received a medicine package a few weeks ago. The doctor, after stopping some medication, decided to re-install it, or try to, in spite of my saying it was not working or was not enough (at the time I was not sure). So, either they have changed my address, the post office is sending the mailings to the wrong address, or someone is messing with the mail. If it was just them, I would be more dubious. However, it seems my cellular phone company has also called with a similar problem. Having a cracked computer does not help when considering such messes either. I need a new one, and a router, but there is no way, currently, I can afford one. No more credit purchases, I just will not go there again. Bother the messes.

Still, life is good if, as usual, complicated. I really am going to start seeing about a doctor. Tomorrow is my first chance at it. Though I need to study for the weekly quiz and do the homework for the class, if I find myself able, I will start making some calls. My priest may be able to help. What I will be asking will take some trust and Father may, after having dealt with me a bit on several things and acting as my sole confessor, be willing to bridge that trust gap a bit with a doctor he knows. I hate having to use relationships in this manner, however, if it is rightly done as I am consciously attempting to make this, I suppose being humble in the process and accepting the help as I may will see me through. Such is life? Yes, I do think so.

A sensation.

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Sensations are what they are. Often they come to naught. They may be caused by things we know, such as having eaten too much of the wrong thing or due to a chill in the air. Frequently they are expressions of our own self as we are at a moment juxtaposed into our world without there being any underlying worldly cause. Sometimes they really are truly precognitions. One can never be certain about these things, especially as one becomes familiar with the fact that we are fallible, superstitious, emotional beings. And yet, this nature of ours creates notions which just cannot be shaken. Why so many words about a topic? Let me tell you.

Today as I was heading to my first class, something happened. I was early so that my walk was leisurely, or as relaxed as I allow my walks to be. I was walking between classes so that there were few other pedestrians, fewer still due to the overcast odd nature of the day. In spite of it being a mechanically depressing day by the nature of the weather, I had no melancholy moment. As I walked, nearing my destination, something came to me. I sensed a major event. An event which will overshadow all things we now consider. A change which will make the financial market trouble, the election cycle, and all other considerations fade into the background. I cannot say if this is a good thing or a bad thing, only that today was the day.

Try as I might, I am not able to dig deeper or look closer. My feeling was just that, if powerful beyond my previous understanding. I have searched the news and blogs for any hints. I have thought the thing through. There is nothing showing itself, and yet I cannot shake this. Perhaps China, now that it has oil reserves to rival US and European reserves, is about to begin a campaign. Taiwan, Europe, and then a land war with India to cull their excess male populations (both nations). Who knows, maybe Christ was born again this day. The sensation is that type of big. Either I just realized something bigger than anything known in recent times or I should watch what I eat, and when, more closely. Never worry, remember, I am a touch paranoid among other things.

Oh, something else interesting happened today. While I was out getting a meal, I saw a women I had seen before. For some reason, this woman is rather attractive to me. I think I am interesting to her as well. Beyond that I know nothing about her and probably never will. She is attractive but it was more than that. All things being equal, I sense she could be the woman I could abide. She is simple without being dim, gracious, and thoughtful. I can imagine just being with her in life, outside of the bedroom. I feel I can safely assume the bedroom issue would be fine as well. Though I must admit, when I meet a woman like this, I never more than think to notice if there is that spark necessary for me to ponder the prospect. Actually and further, I avoid considering women in a sexual manner at all. Thinking such thoughts about a woman seems to be an invasion of both her dignity and of any future eventualities, odd as that may sound to some. That belief is compounded when the woman is both natively and physically attractive to me. I suppose I try to defend a ladies honor, even from my own lusts. I only mention this to note that I really do see there really might be a woman out there, still, for me. I suppose I am sharing, vicariously, a little hope.

In times of doubt, hope is more valuable than gold, more vital than any tool, and from which any growth or rebirth may begin. In good times, hope still holds a place in allaying doubts and fears. It is the only real seed man may ever need and without which man has become animal. It is the only seed worth planting, if it is planted in honesty and good faith. It is so powerful, not even deceivers are able to vulgarize it without losing their aim, missing their targets. Call on it, if you are dark, at your peril. Live it, if you find your roots in wisdom, and be free to dare. It is the beginnings, as myth might have it, of earning your wings.

Well, it is as I thought.

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Something worked, after not having been used for a month or so, for about a day. Today, again, I slept through it. I have decided to place a call to my case manager and ask if there is a medical provider she could recommend. I may also call some people in the Church, and see if one of the people I trust knows of a medical provider. No, I guess I am not looking for a medical provider, I am looking for a doctor with a professional pair, brass pair preferable. I do not know how I can afford it, but that is what I have to do. Maybe the V.A. will fall in line with some actual, you know, free market competition. I am not counting on that but I will not completely discount an about face if it happens. I will, at least, sniff any change in that wind and see if it is still foul or has become friend. There goes my savings, as I will also be paying for medicine. What good is wealth without health, but it is a bit disappointing when “free” medical care I paid for with my brokenness does not pan out. This is not supposed to be a charity health care, it was supposed to be a kindness for my duty losses, a bit of repayment. I suppose with doctors being indoctrinated into leftism, I cannot expect much from them in repaying a baby-killer or whatever the left’s term for us is these days. And yeah, that attitude is pervasive in the V.A., here anyway.

I have been able to drag my tired butt through each section of the physics to be tested. But I need to get through it at least one more time, and write out the formulas and some of the ideas. I only have a few functional hours each day, however, and that is with something as a helper, as weak a helper as it has obviously become. I have no control of my sleep, sleeping 14 or more hours at a time and needing naps between my awake hours, which are mostly dysfunctional for anything like study. You know, I could get a bit angry about this. Yeah, but it is not going to solve a thing. I must just do what I can, how I can, and figure things out. I am not a quitter, I would be dead by now if I was. But I pout as well as any. And I am one of the best big babies I know. Of course, and do not worry, I live in a population which is stellar in the big baby business. So do not worry, I am not attempting to tread on your territory. :p

As for yesterday, I had just awaken from two days of uncontrolled sleep. Pardon my doubts. Now, get out of the way... slowly. I am still crawling so your speed of clearing the path is not essential should you happen to be in the way.

Sleep

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Two days of sleep and little option in the matter. I would still be sleeping if I had not done something about it. I have enough something to get me through school, if barely, and then it will be time to move along. I am not sure where I will go, only sure that I will be leaving this area. College is done, of course. Even with something to help, for some reason, it is not enough anymore even by itself. As much as I like the material and even though I can do the material, being this tired makes it a nightmare. If I cannot get out of my contract at the beginning of the year, I might have to just stay here until August. That will make a move easier though. Then again, I ought to start packing now. A few boxes a day, while sorting out what to throw away and then doing so, will make the task much simpler whenever the time arrives.

I will probably start looking at Colorado and Utah. With as liberal as Colorado is becoming, that is probably out. Wyoming might be a thought, even Montana, if rather unlikely for several reasons. Yes, probably Utah, somewhere in the foothills or mountains. The difficulty of mountain living has not escaped notice, yet there are many reasons to live such a life, especially the way politics has gone. But a winter move might not be the best plan either. Then again, I almost bet I could talk someone into putting me up for the winter for a fraction of what I am paying here, if I can get out of my lease (probable, as I may have an idea of someone, a good renter and worker, who is more than interested in my apartment, it will more be about whether the landlord would be willing to make the exchange).

Still, I have several months of grueling school to go. I am almost half way through the term. Though I am, mostly, keeping up, it is tight. I missed classes yesterday, and our usual Friday quiz and homework turn-in. We get to drop a few of each grade of homework and quizzes, but I would rather do the work and then get to choose a poor grade rather than a missed grade to drop. It just makes sense. Why I could not get going… it is frustrating. Oh, the nag decided not to make a trip of it this Sunday, which ends up being a good thing. I was not sure I would be able to make it and I now really need the time to study. It sounds as if she is having some kind of medical situation, one I personally understand.

I need to grab some food somewhere, continue the laundry, study, and try to clean the place up. Though this something does help, it is not like it used to be. It does allow me to rise to near the surface, and stay awake a bit longer and better, but I cannot quite break through to real life with it, and not when taken with the rest of the somethings. I will do what I can, I guess. Ciao, and on to chow.

The Houses…

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Of the five houses I viewed, only two would do outright if with a bit of wrangling on price. A few others might work with a lot of wrangling. Some needed repairs and detail work, others were in questionable neighborhoods, none were perfect. Some of them, if not all, have been on the market a very long time in spite of what the paperwork says. One of them seemed to have a drug house across the way. I noticed a man, at about 10:00 nearly sneak up to the front door, get checked out, and then enter the premise. Then, whoever had let him in watched me for a period of time before sneaking back himself. He thought his darkened screen door kept him from my vision… not so. I live in a world of darkness and doubt, and I do see what most miss, if dust bunnies have their way with me, goblins do not. Another house (two of them actually, as they were close to each other) was in a rather blue-collar neighborhood. Generally this is not a bad thing. But when one of the houses had a brand new Cadillac and a black man out front talking loud and bold on his cell phone, I had to think long and hard. I suppose one could call that prejudice, but when I see behavior that does not fit, I have to count it and deal with it. Not dealing with suspicion is not open mindedness, it is stupidity. Then again, I think the two have indeed become synonymous, hence Barack Hussein Obama I suppose.

Still, there were a few houses left to pick from. I was not able to see what the neighbors are like, so I cannot be sure. I did note lots of high fences and other security measures. These are not friendly places, but castles to hide away within. As well, as I had noted, they have been vacant for a long time. Some of them seemingly abandoned almost mid-life, as if the owners were chased out. Odd things were left, a fence in one of the places was cut in order to move, apparently, but the fence was not fixed in spite of some great time (a year or more) having passed. I must say, just by these things alone, buying a house here does not seem the thing to do. And more, with the communists moving into congress and the White House, prospects are even more grim. I would almost feel sympathy for the homeowners, but knowing they most likely voted locally to allow the people into office who have racially redistributed the neighborhoods which is forcing them to flee and voted nationally for the people who have wrought this economic nightmare, and that they are continuing to vote that way, sympathy is not an easy thing to give. I suppose I could be sympathetic at their ignorance if it was not for their apathy. Still, I will hold off on a decision. Perhaps I will show the houses to family and friends. Perhaps I will find out more about the neighborhoods. And perhaps the elections will not be murder, literally. Even if it ends in another R. King type deal, I think this time we need to fix that, hard, should McCain win. Anyway... I am still figuring...

I need to take a nap now. Perhaps, hopefully, I will be in good shape again this evening to study more. Last night was fantastic. It relieved my stretched nerves to see that, given a chance and finding a bit of time where I was rested, and with a little work, the material was once again within my grasp. This does not mean I will just be able to walk to the finish line. It does look like, though, I will be able to work my way to it. I suppose, even if I get C’s, that is all I can hope for in a corrupted education system. And, it probably is good, better than the cheaters, if a bit bitter. A C is at or near the top of the pile of people who are doing their work honestly, I do believe. It will have to do for now.

Wow, something happened.

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I really have been studying, and trying my darndest to put ideas and formulas together, then solve problems and understand the theory of the classes I am taking. This last week has been brutal. Just fighting to stay awake has been a chore, so going beyond that and into what needed to be done has been Herculean. I have done it, but often I would cover an area and just move on before understanding seemed to sink in, knowing that stopping to really understand would mean I would just get bottle-necked and would soon tire and quit studying. I studied calculus, to boot. All of the studying was a real nightmare though, like running at night in a strange area with little or no light.

For some reason tonight is different. Not only am I not tired, it seems my blind studying has paid off. I did my newest set of homework almost as if I knew what I was doing. And, this I had not yet studied at all, other than covering calculus which is used in this. I simply remembered most of it from the notes (which I had to push to get up and get to class for, let alone to actually write). I did have to check some things, and I used the book or notes a few times. But the work went well, quickly, and smoothly. I am not sure about physics yet, but I will be covering that in a bit. While I am doing well, I want to do as much as I can. If it does not really add to my true skill, as that seems to be there if I do the work whether I know it or not, doing work successfully and quickly greatly adds to my confidence. And, honestly, confidence helps in my case as much as skill.

I do not know what has opened in me. I am unsure of how to keep it going. I only know I am thankful for the moments I have which are like this. I almost feel alive again, like this past summer, or before I fell. I will not say that I have probability and statistics down, but I honestly think I have all the tricks to date and all of the skills offered to this point. If not memorized, they are accessible. I would like more practice, but time and wakefulness are variables I only have just so much control over. I will have to see what happens. This time, my tests are a week apart, thankfully. In truth, the one thing I am weak in is the simpler math. I am not sure how to correct for that, or if that is just the way it is. I suppose I should use my calculator to check things a bit more, as it is allowed. But in some circumstances, an error will prove out just as well as the correct answer.

I am enjoying studying again! How odd, as it is getting cold and dark here, that I would have a flash of strength, vigor, concentration, and whatever else is in this little bag of goodies. Maybe I will really get to enjoy the hike and tour this weekend. And, perhaps I will be studied well enough that I will not feel guilty taking the time off. Nice!

Tomorrow I will be house hopping. I will begin looking at the houses available in my price range, or those I thought were best. I will have to hold off until my mother can visit, and look with me. And, I would like my friend to see the top two or three houses as well. And further, I will wait until the elections and more surety in studies. If the Democrats pick up more seats and the presidency, or even a veto proof majority, I probably will not buy. After what the courts, in large part due to the liberal Supremes did to land ownership rights, I do not think that buying land would mean much. Beyond, I am pretty sure that either of those eventualities would extend and deepen the financial problems, meaning that a house bought today would be worth less than the loan quickly and for quite some time to come. The Great Depression was extended by just such a scheme and situation. On the other hand, the poor and uneducated BELIEVED they were being helped by Uncle Franklin, and the vultures in congress. I suppose that is one form of change. And though I do not believe in it, I do believe it is possible.

Health.

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I was starting to feel “wrong” a few days ago. I was not sure if it was my health going to pot, nerves with upcoming tests and pushing to understand some things so reviewing old material on top of my usual work, or even stress from the prospect of considering buying a house. Little things told me something might be wrong, but the notion has been fleeting, flirtatious, and just out of reach until now. Now I am pretty sure it is health related. There is not much I can do though. I cannot seem to work with the doctor I have been given, it does not look like I will be able to get rid of him, and I have no other medical access readily available. To boot, the medicines offered do not work whether they have been altered or not. I will just have to push through life and hope. I guess that is all anyone really has. I have pushed my health to hard limits, if I did have a few years were I was able to take medicines that did work as a breather, pushing can only work for just so long and a break will only do so much. The good news is that I live alone. If anything goes really badly, no one will be able to bring me half back to life again. Sadly, I think that is preferable. Maybe this is not leading to the big one, but in time it will. Given what is happening politically, one can hope for change I can believe in, given the circumstances.

Physics has turned dastardly. I had to let it go while trying to dig into the other class, for a week or two. While I was not looking, it took a turn for the worse. I have about a week to get caught up, and I think I might be able to do it. I do not think, in the future, I will let it go quite as much as I did this last time or for as long. No worries though, really, I think I can do this with repeated coverings, re-reading notes, and looking through the book a bit. Being tired and getting more so does not help, and my sleeping cycle seems to have broken too. And, I cannot let the other class slip at all, there is no room there to catch up. As I said, I think I can do it. Well, back to work. Wish me good fortune in my efforts?

Oh, the QoD has suggested we take a break this weekend and attempt to do a fall leaf color tour along the Mississippi. Sounds good to me, so I may have a distraction for the weekend. Even if we are no longer lovers, unrequited love, in it’s various shades and hues, is often as beautiful as any spray of fall foliage. I might even suggest it is much more splendid in it’s splendor. Call me a romantic, but…

You would be quite wrong. I am just a grumpy old man who makes this crap up like I could make money from it or something. You people… tsk, tsk, tsk…

Things are going, if not perfectly.

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I was able to get my calculus studied. The study went well, if it took a bit of time. As well, I was able to get through 2 of the 4 units I will need to have ready for the test next week. I was not able to, additionally, study probability and statistics to get the material covered altogether. However, I do not think this will be as much of a problem as I had at first feared. I am understanding the material we are covering, at least in class. And though I will need to practice with homework, I do not see any real problems. I did not do enough, or actually was just too busy working, to decide to enjoy liquid refreshments much. I did have a sip or two, to end Saturday's study. But it was rather muted and only a sip.

Several emails with the realtor and plans are set to begin looking at houses this Thursday. I have five potential homes to view. I have asked my friend to view these with me, before then, in a drive and look manner. I am not sure if people are still living in these places, but either way, I feel uncomfortable in just stopping and looking, unannounced. However, I would like to look at the neighborhoods and get an idea about who is living nearby and if there are a lot of houses for sale, how the places are situated, and where they really are. One of the houses, one that is close, is already out of the running. Simply put, I know the neighborhood and that is part of why I am considering moving out. Though, having a landlord who either will not or cannot find decent tenants is also part of it. That leaves four houses I might consider. I am rather nervous about this, with the banking problems, housing price problems, and the politically correct nature of this state sum total, I really am going to have to think about things.

But more, I may finish up this term, do one more term to clean up my academic career, then leave. I cannot be sure, I am still trying to push things through. Without the medicine which had been helpful, I am doubtful. And, with my understanding that the college is rigged, I am further dubious. The only thing that ties one down more than a home debt is a wife, though in slightly different ways. It is a big decision. And, it is based on academic success, at this point and in this state. Honestly, I just cannot be sure this is the right thing to do. Thankfully, I do not have to make the decision today. I figure I have several weeks, minimally, to think things through, get outside input, and then make a decision. I could probably push it out to several months, probably without risking the top two or three choices all going off the market. If all else fails, I will simply default to simply not making a decision and until there are no more decisions.

I have considered putting most of my belongings into storage and living in a very inexpensive apartment downtown. At $250 a month, with a $50 dollar max electricity bill as my only utility, I could save quite a bit of money even with storage. Though I would also have to put my Xterra up, that would not be bad as I would be close enough to walk to school. Yes, I could save another $400 to $500 a month and my neighbors would not be any worse than they are now. Lots of options, none of them are fantastic, but that is life.

I suppose I should get back to studies. I would like to finish physics, then go over it again a time or two. Perhaps a unit of physics tonight and a first attempt at the probability and statistics homework. I will just have to see what I can get done.

Another week on the books.

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Though I may not have succeeded grandly in my attempts, at anything, I have made it through one more week of school and life. I have had some success and I am moving forward, if at a snail’s pace, on several projects. School has improved, in that I feel I am getting the material and well (though, when did I think that before… ah, right before the big fat C). Even so, I really am getting the material. I have spent time with my professor regarding the parts I do not catch. I always feel like he is surprised to see me arrive. I am not sure if he is surprised that I need the help, as I really do seem to understand some of it, or if he knows there is no help for me. He keeps his mind closed but he cannot rid himself of some strong sense of a nature. A nature, like curiosity, wonder, even possible fear (is this guy in my office hours trying to trick the tests out of me), but seemingly more on the curiosity side. Perhaps he is wondering why I am trying so hard, why I am curious, what it means, or something. Mind you, those are just notes. I only write what I perceive, not necessarily what is. As well, I do not dwell on the things, just note them. I have seen several houses, pictures and descriptions only so far. I have picked several which I would like to see in person, 5 so far. I sent the information back, and let the realtor know my schedule and my interest. That was last Wednesday. I have not heard a word in reply, nor received an email. I will check on that Monday.

I really considered sipping from my larder of liquid delights. The sleep schedule has been working, my tasks are getting done, laundry and dishes have been mostly being kept in check (though I really need to do dishes from the last two days!). Some success is almost worth the down time. However, I decided not to do so. Not yet anyway. I need to get caught up in physics, study calculus to get back in the swing of that, and work the calculus study into the probability and statistics studies. If I get a good deal completed tonight, tomorrow night, if I get even more done, I may go see a movie then have a sip (or just have a sip depending on how tired I am). I have a reasonable opportunity to do this and yet I have that old lazy bone weighing in on the matter. As well, there is only so much one can study before the game is up. The mind can only stay tightly focused for a short time at a time, much like looking through a powerful scope or binoculars then the eyes get tired.

I have had some time to read blogs and post comments. As I have said, there are times I really need to step away from studies, so long as I do not merely hide from studies and I am getting my studies completed, that is fine. To be honest, blogging has become grim. Both here and elsewhere. Conservatives are understanding that we have been betrayed by the party leadership. What the other party is setting up to do, doing, and what they have done, is downright traitorous. Those of us who understand this, I am certainly not alone, understand we have no allies in politics. Some, like me, are backing away from politics nearly completely. Others seem to wish to hold to some hope that McCain is not what he says he is. And that rallying point that is Palin has, finally, been understood to be just as bad as McCain. Honestly, I am not sure there is hope for the American Dream or the democratic republic. I think it was nearly ended by FDR but the coupe de gras was JFK’s immigration policy. Yeah, it may have been ended before I was born. Of course, I could be wrong. What was it the crooked Louisiana politician said… ah… ‘Do not rig the election, there is no need if I pick the candidates’, give or take of course. So, vote as you will, you really have no choice.

It is working.

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Though things are still very tight, I have found that, sleeping in catnap style and doing what I can when I can, that I can accomplish much of what I am trying to do. I have not been able to get back to exercising. I was not sure I would be able to in any case, certainly not immediately if that was a hope. I have done a good deal of work on the more demanding course. I have visited my professors several times, and will probably continue to do that. I was able to schedule a visit other than office hours and was also able to make a visit during his regular office hours. I have also been to a study lab offered, but that is only somewhat helpful. Physics has been suffering, I am only hoping it will not be too difficult to get caught up on that again. I will do some of that tomorrow and this weekend.

I also made contact with the realtor whose name I was given while applying for a loan pre-approval. It seems he does not handle cases in my area, so he asked if he could put me in touch with a woman who does. With school and study, tomorrow was the first day I was sure I would be available for a call. I am hoping she will be calling me tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect, but the recent ½ point rate drop cannot hurt my prospects. What I must worry about, as I said, is buying into a house during a price plunge and ending up with half the house I paid for, worth-wise. It IS speculation. As I said, though, I am not doing it as an investment, more as a luxury of sorts. Home-ownership means no landlord, actual control of one’s home, the ability to customize my housing without losing the cost, and having no neighbors right on top of me. You can be sure, if I have to get a hole digger and buy the lumber bit by bit, I will have a 5-7 foot fence, a solid one. I might even get a dog, though for sure I will get a cat. It will be too late to do much about a garden, or flower plots along the house (I think my mom or my ex-gal might actually enjoy doing the flowers thing, and yeah, I think such projects add to a house… a lot).

I must admit something about school. I am more sure, from snooping around, paying attention, and looking things over regarding scores and such, the scores are rigged. People who do well are allowed to do well. The tests are written so that, without foreknowledge or honest natural brilliance, I cannot score well. It is not every class, but it is fairly common in engineering. In the other schools, this does not occur until graduate level work. In engineering, it starts from the start and does not end until, assuming success, retirement. It IS who you know, How much you have, and such. Your skills, if you are in the school, are probably good enough. With a little work, you should be competitive. But the truth is you cannot compete as the thing is weighted toward the favored. Oh well. I had thought about quitting, if a C is the best I can do. I am thinking that over. We will see. Of course, without a functional medicinal regimen, taking more than half time (a requirement for next term and on) may make this matter immaterial.

Oh, a letter to a racist company I used to use as a clothing supplier… And their response… More companies are going to get a similar email. I will no longer support quotas. With a black candidate for president, they have absolutely no rating for underprivileged. As well, their over-representation has become a grotesquery. It is offensive to have them shoved in my face in every aspect of my life. The freedom of association, by it’s very nature, implies the freedom to disassociate. I will do that until and unless I choose differently. It is time to start voting with my wallet, hard and heavy.


Dear Mr. Doom:

Thank you for taking the time to write and share your concerns. We appreciate your honest feedback.

I’m sorry that we disappointed you with the amount of diversity in our catalogs. I do understand and appreciate your concerns. I will be sure to share your comments with our creative team and I’m sure they will keep your disappointment in mind when deciding which models to use for future catalogs.

I am also very sorry to hear that we have lost your trust and per your request, will be taking your name off our mailing list. Because our catalogs are pre-printed you may receive another catalog if it is already in our outgoing mail. However, we have honored your request and mailings will cease.

Please accept our sincere apologies. We appreciate you bringing your concerns to our attention. It is our hope that someday we will once again have an opportunity to serve you.

Sincerely,

Jenafer Humphries
Customer Communications

> -----Original Message-----
> From:
> Sent: Oct 3, 2008 12:28:20 AM CDT
> To:
>
> Dear Sirs,
>
>
>
> I have enjoyed your goods in the past. The quality is very good, and
> if I felt it was not, I was able to make simple returns. I have,
> however, decided to make no further purchases through Land’s End. I
> believe your models are not representative of your clientele. If you
> are interested in being politically correct, then, I suggest you add
> Indians, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, midgets, transsexuals, Hindus,
> ugly people, fat people, and other types of minorities. When you pick
> one group of people to over-represent in your catalogs and in your
> online site, you do everybody a disservice. Should you decide to
> change your business practices, I might re-consider purchases of
> Lands End’s goods. Until then, good luck. May you get the business
> you deserve. I would be very happy if you end the sending of your
> catalogue to my house.
>
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Doom

I am getting some things going.

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It has been difficult. With medicine no longer being taken, I struggle greatly to do the smallest of things. I know it might seem silly, but I am crippled. With both arms and legs, a relatively healthy body, and the will to do both academic and physical activities, without help I simply cannot do these things well. It is very frustrating to have gotten help only to see it taken away. The only reason I am even able to function is that working out this summer has given me a bit of physical fitness. The last month has been very tough. This last weekend, however, I pushed a bit and did some laundry, soaked then cooked raw beans (black, if you are curious, and one of my favorite), cooked some rice, cleaned the dishes from those, and then cooked some meats for dinners through the week (plus some nice snacks during the process). I also studied my tougher class, if physics study is lagging.

More, I am hoping to get up early enough tomorrow to try and speak with my professor about seeing him a time or two a week. His office hours are a bit problematic. I am going to see if we cannot make other arrangements. I know I am bright enough to do well in this class, but I feel that either some significant portion of the class is far brighter or they are getting more information about what to study. I will have to be careful in how I approach the matter. Still, a broken bell curve is indicative of problems. In any case, I will continue to work hard, but I will not put in extraordinary effort knowing that it is not a reasonable practice given the amount of material we could be tested over is far too great to reasonably cover to be ready to test and quiz on to the level I have seen thus far. I cannot prove every theorem cross-referenced to various formulas without some clues. I have an IQ of between 120 and 148 (depending on how well I am doing). This should not be this difficult, especially since I have been putting in more than a sincere effort.

As well, I am hoping to push through with my plans of seeking a home. I am very nervous about trying to buy a house at this time. Even if I can find a bargain, it would be tough to end up with much more house loan than a houses worth in a few years. I would like to get out of here, however. It is becoming more like the hood every day. And, I would like to get in on a bargain with current low interest rates and reduced pricing. I suppose this is speculation. But the truth is, without risk there is no gain. Though I am not trying to get into a home to create wealth as a primary goal, it is a part of the thing. This project does add a good deal of work to my current load, while I am often weak and tired. But moving ahead in spite of things has, at times, proven to be the best policy in that it leads me to greater capacity. I do know, definitely, that backing off or taking time off ends up hurting me far more than it helps, other than for very short times (a weekend here or there).

As bad is things are, life is still good. I have some doubts about college, certainly if I honestly cannot do this class well. As I have said though, if it turns out that I cannot make it, I have some other plans. As weak as those are, as unsure about how those plans will really work, I am pretty sure I will find life after an attempted professional career if it all turns south. Of course, that does make purchasing a house here a dubious proposition. I guess I am walking ahead on faith alone. I have to plan as well as I can, then go forward with honest concern but with faith too. I have to hope I will do what is wise given what I know and that God has my interests in mind, even if I do not always understand that process. This is life, it is a dubious process all by itself. Add in economy, politics, religion, love, and such, and the dubious becomes impossible. As I said, that is when faith becomes useful, both faith in the world in a minor way and in God’s will in a big way.

Paranoia? Could be, but that does not mean they are not out to get you.

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My nurse visited today. We did our usual checks. Health-wise, things are not going the best. When she looked at my medsets, but before she reached for anything, I told her she need not bother. I have taken nothing. Further, I explained that I would not do so until or unless something was done. I explained that I had spoken with the patient advocate, my case manager, and my therapist and that I had heard nothing for more than a week. I explained that I could not take what I cannot trust, any of it. So, she started making calls.

She put the phone on speakerphone and allowed me to listen. She ended up contacting a case manager, one I have not spoken with before and do not know. She had overheard the conversation between my doctor and the other case manager, or had read the file, or both. It seems my doctor had decided not to continue me on methylphenidate as he believed his career was at stake. She did not indicate, what, if anything, I was being given. Perhaps it was still methylphenidate (generic Ritalin), perhaps he had just changed the order, perhaps what I received as early as September was merely a sugar pill. At this point, I do not trust anything. At least I know my doctor had decided not to continue this medication, if not when or how. I also know he had told me he was going to continue it.

I received a call from the new case manager. It appears my doctor is (now?) going to continue my medication. He wants me back on the rest of my medication. There are at least several problems with this. First, the dosage he has listed is not only less than what my nurse and myself had been under the impression I was to take, it is not enough even if it were (in other words, he has me on 3 pills, we thought I was to take 4, and 4 is not enough as is). Further, I have no means of verifying what I am getting is what he is, now, saying it is. Trust, people, is not given, it is earned. He has not earned it. He has done everything in his power to ruin it. If he does not like that, then he needs to do something about it. What, I cannot say. But, it is his problem, one he developed, and one only he can solve.

I ended up only getting a C on my probability and statistics for engineers. My study mate only received a 60. I am quite nervous about this, especially since my capacity to work harder is more than limited. My world is closing in on me, academically (and otherwise). I suggested, to my visiting nurse, that the real problem is that the VA and perhaps the University does not want me. I am old, they want to teach young. I am conservative, they want politically ignorant pupils, and I am grumpy, sure, and a bit cynical. Oh, and I am not much to look at. Yes, it adds up. Just some thoughts. She, as usual, thinks I am stretching the thing. But then, she did not believe me about the medicine until she heard it over the phone. Just saying…

Smirking, mind boggling foolishness, and other thoughts.

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The smirking Europeans just realized a poor uncle means a poorer nephew. Suck it up, and I hope our Euro-styled politicized financial markets are allowed to die in order that a real free-market economy may rise. It is too much too hope for, but that is my hope. Watching the leering grin on the face of a smarmy Europe change as it realizes the price it will pay is only honey to an already sweet cake. I would love to see their socialized markets fail even more so, since they are even further into the “green” and centralized markets, and thus much more susceptible. Some things just bring joy to my heart.

The idiocy of the Democratic Party is being shown, in it’s hard work to sell out the American people after having sold them out in such a manner as to create this problem, in that they are sweating bullets and spinning in their grave. I have to hope the bailout will not go through for that reason as well. Though 5 weeks is rather tight, the modern American seems to be paying attention. If that is actually true, even the most leftist, slowest, and all but the evil, will eventually understand what the problem is and who created it. Forcing Freddie and Fannie to open up to poor risks for “equality of results rather than equality of opportunity”. Realizing major corporations were told there would be a big pay-off if they went green, as the feds and states would be “forcing green legislation”, but mandates were not fast enough to pick up the slack in actual income potential (negative) of green technologies. Enron and AIG and the others had all over-extended into bad sectors believing Joe Taxpayer would be picking up the tab. As it turns out, we were going to either way. Dump the bailout and fix these, and other, bad (social activist) business practices NOW!

Do I think the failure of a bailout plan will really destroy the U.S., or even the world, economy? No, the problem will slow it down (both of them) and reset things back to basics (if we can keep the government from regulation). We are (or were) riding a false economic bubble. It is a method of enrichment the government and major corporations, ignoring Joe Taxpayer, decide to create. The bailout is their efforts at keeping the hackey-sac up in the air a little longer, at the potential (high probability regardless of what they say, both immediately, and through this becoming a typical business model based on government bailouts) cost to Joe Taxpayer. I think that is why we still have the 2nd Amendment, I thought? Oh well, I am too old and too poor to really care.

I have honestly looked at where I could move when the Jerk makes it into the president’s office. Honestly, there is not a free nation out there. I guess I just have to suffer until I get to the real shining city. No hippies, no communists, no muslims, no abortion, no socialists, I think I will like it. And, I suppose, it is my cross to suffer through the time until it is my time. And, yes, I do pray for many things. I give up what I cannot control, I give up the insufferable, I give up my sins, and I pray on my knees. I suppose if we must understand that God was murdered because of us, because of our unworthiness to find our own way, the rest is rather simple to bear?

Last nights party.

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I had 6 beers and 2 to 3 shots, the last of, my rye. It is the only rye I can drink, and it is great. Though you probably cannot get it. It is called Templeton rye whiskey. It was, supposedly, Al Capone’s go to whiskey, his top shelf stuff. Then it was a small batch illegal hooch of top quality, now it is still small batch, using the same recipe, according to their bottle. Anyway, that is all it took and I was off and going. I should not blog or comment while partying, but… It happens. I should not party, but it will happen and felt needed and good. And, though it was not much of a party, it is as “good” as it gets here. I actually feel a little rough this morning. That I do not mind, being a lightweight in this manner is fine with me.

I thought about removing my last post, but decided to keep it. If embarrassing in a number of ways, I did it so it will stay. Some of my comments I would like to remove too, on other people’s blogs, but that is not up to me.

I am still nervous about the last test. I am hoping to contact the realtor today. I will be heading to class, then my VA vocational rehabilitation officer, maybe getting a meeting with the realtor going, then going to my Mom’s home for the weekend. I will be back Sunday night, I plan on starting swimming Monday. Life is pretty good. Oh, my Mom said she will be cooking a home made meal tonight! She likes some surprises. Well, I best be off.

Nephilim. And Bane.

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Not all of them are bad. I cannot express this more strongly. Or, I am evil. Yes, yes, foolishness. Hush.

I may be wrong, mortalling, but I am not evil. Further, though I may be wrong in small details, I am sure I am not wrong in the long run. I know where I am going, I know my Master, and I bow to the only “One”. As hard as bowing to any Man, even the son of man, was, I have done so. Fully, strongly, faithfully, and fully, I have kneeled to God. Yet, too, I know I am not human. Not fully. Even if I am what I am for no purpose, I yet am what I am. Foolish, of course. Superstitious nonsense, of course. That does not change reality. I am what I am, if I am not Who I Am.

I see that Bane has died. I have been avoiding the notion. I must admit, when he said he was dieing, I doubted. He stopped allowing me to post. I know why, or believe so. It has to do with something few of you know about. He let several things pass, but when I posted to a place he visited, he lost his interest in allowing me to even post on his site. Perhaps he knows better now, perhaps not. Perhaps he was right. And, no, it has nothing to do with anything most of you know about. Perplexing, perhaps Deb knows. God does.

I regret his death. I had stopped reading his blog, ended my link to it, and had avoided any thoughts of such. And yet, even such as I know a brother, or cousin, or something. Our pissing contests about who was darker aside, we both knew, I believe, that we both knew. Past certain points, the darkness of the pot and kettle mean nothing. Their darkness swallows light, both of them. I would like to think I have walked away, broken and busted and ugly, but alive and choosing other than that. I like to think, in spite of his insistence, that he did too. Why? Because blood is blood, and if his blood cannot be purified, perhaps mine cannot be either.

Yes, I love Bane. I will pray for him. I hate him too. The bastard turned away, let me go, just because I am what I am, and that I sometimes quite enjoy it. It has been eating me since I first heard the news. It is everywhere. I could no longer hold my tongue. Now you know… you know half the story in any case. The rest will no more be known than I would allow a Freudian slip, or any other kind. Damn, I really don’t know what else to say, except that I used a contraction against months or years of not allowing such in my blogging (though I do use them in comments on other blogs and rebuttals to comments on my blog). I guess that is as good as it gets. A little random chaos for one such as him.

Mid-term Exams

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I just finished my last of two mid-term exams this evening. I took the physics test Wednesday and today it was an probability and statistics for engineers exam. I thought I had done well on physics, but I did not want to write anything until I knew for sure. Something about jinxing... no, that was not it. I just did not want to brag myself up only to be wrong. As it turns out, I did to well. I received 15. Yep, 15 out of 15. The class average was 84%. I can live with that, especially since I was not heavily studying that ( = only made it to class 3/4 of the time and sort of looked at the homework and book, kinda). Today’s test was much more complicated, though I will just say I think I did well. As I told my TA as I was leaving, I either did well, I am delusional, or both! He got a chuckle out of it, as did I. On a bad test, it might have broken the tension, but I did not need that on this test, to my mind. Still, it will be a bit before I know. And though technically I am not nervous, due to the complexities, there remains more room for doubt than the physics exam provided.

I am not happy about the physics class, however. I feel that I am not doing the heavy lifting I should be doing, to dig beyond just what is offered and into what else there is. I am not sure how to go beyond and fundamentally secure the material and the theory. Both are very important, and interesting to me. As well, even if I aced the probability and statistics test, I feel that I need to do more and really tackle… or own… the material. I can do that with the physics, I am not sure I can do that with this class. But that is my goal. Physics offers thought processing that is vital, if in an offhand manner, to all of my other course work. Or at least what is coming up. Probability and statistics is more useful toward my longer term goal of graduate school. Both have their value. And, from talking to several graduate students I know, getting beyond just an A in class will really help graduate level work. Speaking of which, I think I am going to begin my graduate school preparations now. There are free test screenings available, and tutorials for those. I figure that if I start now, in 2 to 3 years, I should be quite ready to take that plunge. Why wait when it is my real goal?

I have received my loan pre-approval. I was going to get in touch with a man tomorrow, a buyers advocate in the reality world. Actually, I may still do that. But I have decided to visit my mother this weekend, before I become buried in classes again. A little home cooking, a lot of mutual love, hugs, and maybe a little beer will do me some good. Actually, I am starting on the beer tonight. But I think my gullet is large enough for a few here and there. I am hoping to find a place sooner rather than later. A few days ago, there were four gang members visiting the white honey next door. Who knows, who cares, I just know this is not good. I am the business end of the business end, and this could very quickly become business. For the most part, and for my part, I would rather be done with that.

Did you hear that? The beers in the refrigerator are clinking. I think they are chilled and lonely. A bottle hug and liquid chug is in order.

*here here* *where did that "*here here*" come from?*

Life and Nephilim.

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I have been sleeping a good deal, though that is not unusual at this point. With two tests this week, and perhaps duck hunting, I will need to tend my time well. So far I have been doing ok with this. I sleep 4 to 8 hours, wake up refreshed, then study, eat, rest a bit, then back to study until I must sleep again after 8 to 10 hours of awake time. It has left little time for on-line affairs. Little blogging, few emails, and I am falling behind in some other real life issues, if I am (I hope) keeping up scholastically (sort of). I have, though, completed the paperwork, made copies of the paperwork needed, and sent the package in for an official pre-approval for a home loan. No, I am not subprime, no I would not accept an approval amount more than what I could pay, yes I am watching all things closely and carefully regarding that. I am making plans to try and improve things, but this week is not a good week to begin.

Next week I am planning on beginning my swimming again. I am not sure how it will work, but I will have a month before my next set of tests in order to see if that will fit in without completely wiping me out. If that works, I may attempt to begin weight lifting again after the following test. Being off medication seems to have, once the medicines cleared my system, no net affect on my abilities to function. That is not a good thing, in that I was and remain overly tired. I will have to proceed carefully, but I see no reason not to try and improve my lot similarly to the way I was trying before, that is, through working out and watching my diet. As a fact, if it works out, it might be better now than before. We will see.

Though I feel like a rat caught in a mad scientist’s maze, I do have to power to quit playing. This I have done. However, quitting the game makes me both responsible and without instruction. With the questionable instruction, this is good. Being responsible, although, is always a heavier task. It comes down to trust, and though I do not trust myself greatly, I trust myself enough to know when it is time to not blindly follow a fool or a trickster. In this, I think I have done as well as I may. Oh, I noted that there was a doctor, one I had not met or heard of, who filled (and changed?) my prescriptions between my old doctor and this new doctor. I had thought the new doctor took over directly from the old doctor, so this adds a new element to the possibles bag.

Shooting clays went better than I had thought it would. With a couple of really bad shots to start the process, the rust began to fall away. I have neither hunted duck (or any fowl) before last year (and did not hit a bird then), nor shot clay before. I have shot rifle, pistol, and shotgun, but the shotgun was fired at a stationary target in preparation for guard assignments, and at relatively close ranges. After those poor shots, I zipped up to between 40 and 60 percent hits until my shoulder started missing for me. I feel much better about hunting, now that I know that the thing can actually be hit. It is much more natural of a shot than what I had anticipated. It seems we have a natural indication of vectors and motion, mass, and targeting, than what I might have anticipated. Watch out ducks, here I come. Of course, I will probably still feel a bit like Elmer Fudd when I miss. It is just part of the game.

Oh, Nephilim… The possibly mythical belief that angels and women mated to produce children, called giants, arrogant, etc., or nephilim generally. Most of what I am finding on the topic indicates, if true in the more literal meaning, was based on the mating of fallen angels from a group called “Watchers” and women. And yet, I am sure there is, somewhere, an indication that there were giants, or nephilim, not of fallen angels. That there were, or will be, giants from the host on high. I am just unable to find it, perhaps that is a conspiracy! ;p The other school of thought, considering this notion, is that the sons of God are male descendents of Seth and the daughters of men are female descendents of Cain. The mixing of the two lines, in modern jingle, is the explanation, since any well versed scientific Christian knows angels are spiritual beings, unable to impregnate women, of course. Believe what you will, for my part, I am quite sure. And, I am pretty sure not all nephilim are children of the dark ones.

*Boo!*

*Poof*