.
.
I put this up last night, but then rethought. I'm still not sure. Hate, when sensed, brings out the predator in me. But not a single defense is used. Fear, seemingly my own, and the hater's... An appearance of weakness, and strength in it. A call, a shout, a dare, and more. It will only bring in certain types, the most dangerous of types. It will baffle, dismay, even shame, lessor evils. My reaction is as hardwired as... what would happen if they did show. Ah well... I'll post it. Understand as you will.
--------------
Sometimes hunger is greater than wisdom. Not even a pair of them would suffice. Yes, I... suggest very unwise things, on many fronts, from time to time. Still... if some hater is going to leave a psychic trail in my ao... A predator is what it is, and it will react.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Mass shootings, Dems down in the polls...
.
.
It's just math. I wondered what they would be doing to get out the vote. When that fails, what next? And, of course, legit or not, expect the media to twist everything. Oh, don't even look at me like I am stupid. If you are looking at me like that, and are sincere, grab a mirror. They will do, and have done, anything and everything to win. Honestly, I am starting to believe obola cases are an attempt to grab more power to do whatever it takes to win. Risky, but these really aren't the smartest communists on the block. Not that there really are smart communists, if you take the long run into mind, even here on earth. Most "powerful" bureaucrats in pure tyrannies get fifteen minutes of fame, then the gulag, quickly followed by death if they are lucky. Usually their family goes in with, or after, them. Evil really doesn't ever win.
Yes, I actually believe these things are being manipulated. I did expect some things to begin happening. And, yes, I expect more. A campus shooting, some false flag raciss event, who knows. Ferguson looks to be heading down to the wire, especially since the truth got out on their murderous thug of the week. Watch yourselves out there. These people have no care about using you as a shield, bait, or simply taking out their hate on you. Keep it loaded, keep it close, and pray.
Later.
.
It's just math. I wondered what they would be doing to get out the vote. When that fails, what next? And, of course, legit or not, expect the media to twist everything. Oh, don't even look at me like I am stupid. If you are looking at me like that, and are sincere, grab a mirror. They will do, and have done, anything and everything to win. Honestly, I am starting to believe obola cases are an attempt to grab more power to do whatever it takes to win. Risky, but these really aren't the smartest communists on the block. Not that there really are smart communists, if you take the long run into mind, even here on earth. Most "powerful" bureaucrats in pure tyrannies get fifteen minutes of fame, then the gulag, quickly followed by death if they are lucky. Usually their family goes in with, or after, them. Evil really doesn't ever win.
Yes, I actually believe these things are being manipulated. I did expect some things to begin happening. And, yes, I expect more. A campus shooting, some false flag raciss event, who knows. Ferguson looks to be heading down to the wire, especially since the truth got out on their murderous thug of the week. Watch yourselves out there. These people have no care about using you as a shield, bait, or simply taking out their hate on you. Keep it loaded, keep it close, and pray.
Later.
Roses?
.
.
A scent. Something disturbed my... turbulence. I couldn't tell what it was at first. Impossible! I don't know what roses smell like. I couldn't tell a rose from a tulip or pansy. I am philistine regarding such things. Yet, there it was, and I knew. Red, too. I know. Just something. Even if there is no difference between scents involving color, this scent is not purely mechanical. No, I don't understand. I simply know what wafts through the air, or my mind.
.
A scent. Something disturbed my... turbulence. I couldn't tell what it was at first. Impossible! I don't know what roses smell like. I couldn't tell a rose from a tulip or pansy. I am philistine regarding such things. Yet, there it was, and I knew. Red, too. I know. Just something. Even if there is no difference between scents involving color, this scent is not purely mechanical. No, I don't understand. I simply know what wafts through the air, or my mind.
Awake and... good?
.
.
I am not quite awake enough to be absolutely sure. My right arm must have been slept on, as it was asleep when I woke, as awake as I even was and now am. Over this half hour of waking or so, it isn't quite back to normal even yet. Better a slow waking than that excruciating immediate wake-up that limbs sometimes go through, I suppose. And, even asleep, it functions quite well. Typing isn't impaired, if the right side of the keyboards seems to being clicked as if bubbling solid champagne or something. Bubbles! Nerves are such odd little things, innit?
As I mentioned, I actually feel pretty good this morning. A little of the frozen fever is still there, but it isn't as pervasive, dominant, in blocking my view of life. No energy on the scale, but that is normal for the first few hours. That may or may not improve through the day. With the main usual problem not as much in my face, I may be able to get to planning. Even if nothing else happens, planning is good. It whets the appetite for doing. That, in turn, makes even small windows of opportunity a bit more inviting. I may well get stuck half the way through such a window, but a little of something, like action, is better than none.
.
I am not quite awake enough to be absolutely sure. My right arm must have been slept on, as it was asleep when I woke, as awake as I even was and now am. Over this half hour of waking or so, it isn't quite back to normal even yet. Better a slow waking than that excruciating immediate wake-up that limbs sometimes go through, I suppose. And, even asleep, it functions quite well. Typing isn't impaired, if the right side of the keyboards seems to being clicked as if bubbling solid champagne or something. Bubbles! Nerves are such odd little things, innit?
As I mentioned, I actually feel pretty good this morning. A little of the frozen fever is still there, but it isn't as pervasive, dominant, in blocking my view of life. No energy on the scale, but that is normal for the first few hours. That may or may not improve through the day. With the main usual problem not as much in my face, I may be able to get to planning. Even if nothing else happens, planning is good. It whets the appetite for doing. That, in turn, makes even small windows of opportunity a bit more inviting. I may well get stuck half the way through such a window, but a little of something, like action, is better than none.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Once in a while.
.
.
Tonight, as an example. Often lately, near bedtime. I didn't find this place by using drugs, or necessarily the life I lead. Pain, a lot of it. Pain itself became it's own painkiller. It stacks. And stacks some more. Eventually, if you live, you are here. The frozen fever arrives with it. In the mornings just the frozen fever. A bit of midday is almost normal. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, now, or not.
.
Tonight, as an example. Often lately, near bedtime. I didn't find this place by using drugs, or necessarily the life I lead. Pain, a lot of it. Pain itself became it's own painkiller. It stacks. And stacks some more. Eventually, if you live, you are here. The frozen fever arrives with it. In the mornings just the frozen fever. A bit of midday is almost normal. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, now, or not.
Nothing today.
.
.
The want was there. I looked over tasks, both those mentioned and others, as I would traipse here for this, go there for that. Just going to and fro was as much as was available. No spare life-jackets, no spare boats, not even room in any case. And so it went. The girls were fed, their litter tended, a light lunch was prepared and eaten, meat and fish thawed. Not one more thing. Even gaming has been more than I can do. Medicines are continuing, mostly, as I can remember. Mostly... A very good description of life right now.
I did have a few visitors. Missionaries. Womenfolk. They cannot enter without a chaperone. Fair enough. We just talk at the front door. A possible upcoming event, discussions of faith, and other topics. One of them is a little... high strung. She is thinking a family, a couple of ph.d's, and big city living is for her. I didn't want to tell her, but if she goes for even a single ph.d., she needs to remain single. A career? Pretty much just give up on a family, or maybe have a pet husband or three. City slicker types. Can't tell them anything. She will learn. For now, she hears what she wishes to hear. I hope, if she actually is more family oriented, and has a first child before she is too grossly involved and indebted to choose otherwise, she will realize what priorities are important. No telling or her. Secular nun working hens, or married women, that is what education opportunities provide women as to choices, save in precious few situations.
Something else might come of it. They visit folk who raise sheep. I asked, then rethought. I wondered if that family sold their sheep publicly, small scale. Then, as I suggested, I recanted. I didn't wish them to cross business with duty. Ah, but they will ask, or so it seems. A sheep, a hog, and half a beef a year would see me comfortable. Fish and fowl, as well, as it may be purchased, for variety. I'm a meat eater, a beef eater as the Brits called their Scottish men at arms, and for good reason on a number of fronts. Oh, did you hear? A survey of centenarians found that most who lived to 100 and older were heavy beef eaters and often had a shot of something a day. Not a single vegetarian in the lot, if I think vegetarians mean to die younger. I can't do the shot a day, but the beef part is well tended. Perhaps I will hit 80? Don't laugh, you might choke. I've already survived the doctor who misdiagnosed me, perhaps knowingly, thinking it would be my end. Oh, yes, I do... chuckle. But I don't laugh.
I will keep focusing on doing something, almost anything. It's been rough. Getting out, or doing things, busts me up. I'll keep at it, in mind and spirit, if not body. Later. Hmm... perhaps good night.
.
The want was there. I looked over tasks, both those mentioned and others, as I would traipse here for this, go there for that. Just going to and fro was as much as was available. No spare life-jackets, no spare boats, not even room in any case. And so it went. The girls were fed, their litter tended, a light lunch was prepared and eaten, meat and fish thawed. Not one more thing. Even gaming has been more than I can do. Medicines are continuing, mostly, as I can remember. Mostly... A very good description of life right now.
I did have a few visitors. Missionaries. Womenfolk. They cannot enter without a chaperone. Fair enough. We just talk at the front door. A possible upcoming event, discussions of faith, and other topics. One of them is a little... high strung. She is thinking a family, a couple of ph.d's, and big city living is for her. I didn't want to tell her, but if she goes for even a single ph.d., she needs to remain single. A career? Pretty much just give up on a family, or maybe have a pet husband or three. City slicker types. Can't tell them anything. She will learn. For now, she hears what she wishes to hear. I hope, if she actually is more family oriented, and has a first child before she is too grossly involved and indebted to choose otherwise, she will realize what priorities are important. No telling or her. Secular nun working hens, or married women, that is what education opportunities provide women as to choices, save in precious few situations.
Something else might come of it. They visit folk who raise sheep. I asked, then rethought. I wondered if that family sold their sheep publicly, small scale. Then, as I suggested, I recanted. I didn't wish them to cross business with duty. Ah, but they will ask, or so it seems. A sheep, a hog, and half a beef a year would see me comfortable. Fish and fowl, as well, as it may be purchased, for variety. I'm a meat eater, a beef eater as the Brits called their Scottish men at arms, and for good reason on a number of fronts. Oh, did you hear? A survey of centenarians found that most who lived to 100 and older were heavy beef eaters and often had a shot of something a day. Not a single vegetarian in the lot, if I think vegetarians mean to die younger. I can't do the shot a day, but the beef part is well tended. Perhaps I will hit 80? Don't laugh, you might choke. I've already survived the doctor who misdiagnosed me, perhaps knowingly, thinking it would be my end. Oh, yes, I do... chuckle. But I don't laugh.
I will keep focusing on doing something, almost anything. It's been rough. Getting out, or doing things, busts me up. I'll keep at it, in mind and spirit, if not body. Later. Hmm... perhaps good night.
Just topped 56k.
.
.
I am trying to wrap my mind around that. Pageviews, is what the number is about. Now, I don't mean to chase people off, but I don't write so as to keep them, either. I am not writing for pageviews. I merely try to get some notions set out to be reviewed, explored, or simply to be rid of them. Oh, I know, 56,000 isn't that many, compared to what some get. Vox probably gets many more than that in a day. I suppose there are even some who, over the course of time involved, get fewer. Neither is the point, and it wasn't a goal. It just surprises me. That is, assuming I can trust the number. Which, to be absolutely honest, I cannot. Up for some reason, down for other reasons, it is definitely wrong. Still, it is what I have to go by, like a clock that is off, odometer that is on the fritz, or social input. In any case, it was one at a time.
I have just over 5,000 posts. That means, in theory because while one number is sure, the other is very off (doesn't always count foreigners, or even some US commenters, for example), there have been about 11 views per post. Who knows how many legitimate readers went unaccounted, and how many of those visits were by spambots. As mentioned, I have these numbers, and nothing else, so... Then again, this was over eight and an half years. Not exactly a whirlwind pace. Just numbers. Insignificant. But... mine, sort of.
Hmm... on to something to eat. Later.
.
I am trying to wrap my mind around that. Pageviews, is what the number is about. Now, I don't mean to chase people off, but I don't write so as to keep them, either. I am not writing for pageviews. I merely try to get some notions set out to be reviewed, explored, or simply to be rid of them. Oh, I know, 56,000 isn't that many, compared to what some get. Vox probably gets many more than that in a day. I suppose there are even some who, over the course of time involved, get fewer. Neither is the point, and it wasn't a goal. It just surprises me. That is, assuming I can trust the number. Which, to be absolutely honest, I cannot. Up for some reason, down for other reasons, it is definitely wrong. Still, it is what I have to go by, like a clock that is off, odometer that is on the fritz, or social input. In any case, it was one at a time.
I have just over 5,000 posts. That means, in theory because while one number is sure, the other is very off (doesn't always count foreigners, or even some US commenters, for example), there have been about 11 views per post. Who knows how many legitimate readers went unaccounted, and how many of those visits were by spambots. As mentioned, I have these numbers, and nothing else, so... Then again, this was over eight and an half years. Not exactly a whirlwind pace. Just numbers. Insignificant. But... mine, sort of.
Hmm... on to something to eat. Later.
No idea.
.
.
I can't remember when I went to bed, or going to bed. I have this feeling I do know what it is for an asteroid to hit terraferma though. Thankfully, I was nowhere near water. I went in at a low angle and fast. Made it all the way to paydirt. Then buried in deep. No dreams, no shuffling, no rolling, of which I have any awareness. Now that, my friends, is sleep. I wouldn't want it that deep every night, but on some nights it fits. Last night was such a night. As complete of a computer reset as I get. And I don't seem to have slept wrong, so nothing was damaged in shipping. Booyeah.
It was 7:00, or a little after, when I woke. I couldn't believe the time. It's a good enough time, no doubt. I just can't believe I slept so long, so hard. No memories of rolling, minor near wakes, and a sort of strange timekeeping through the night from various things, even though I am mostly dead, is a rare thing these days. Still, as tired as I was after yesterday, it was perfect.
Today? Rest. But while resting, plotting. I am hoping to get back on track with some of my projects. I do need to get the drip watering system in. Perhaps, someday, I will find use for that still. I would like to clean out under the sink, and get that ready for work. And maybe hitting the bathroom with broom, mop, toilet brush and clorox stuff, plus some dusting might be good. Oh, and with the table being maintained at nearly cleared, I would like to make some headway on that, in preparation to honing a straight razor. I don't know what will happen, but as I try to peak out a weak, possibly or not accessible window of opportunity, those are what I see right away.
I was thinking of something, as I was falling yesterday evening, but before I hit... then this morning, while initializing... There are people out there who seem to know who I am and what I write, here. Some approve. More approval than not, locally. I can see it in faces and eyes. Some do not approve. Those who do not approve have this frozen rage on their puss. A burning hatred seethes from within. Delicious, do not think it causes me an iota of concern. I know, and they know, there is nothing they can do. At twice, and more, of some of their ages... with a heart that is well and truly at deathly levels... they know I would eat them, without even a thought in the raw. Yes, boys and girls, my virulence in some things is obvious even now. A knife in the back, or a bullet from behind, might not even see them to their wishes, and might well see them ended even then. No glory, just guts, they lack both, and any courage of their convictions. The stench of fear... I don't know if it's right to own, but the Lord does know I... enjoy it immensely. When I was of a darker nature, it was one of my tools outright. Now, just a faded, deserted, dessicated reminder of another time, transposed onto the efforts of a shadow of the light. Absolutely delicious. Then again, who knows. One of these jackals may end up offering this lion a final beautiful death. Not one iota of concern. They can't win. Evil can't win, that's part of that gig. *gruesome grins*
Well, a little time to wake, then an organization of effort perhaps. Hmm... I ought to think about food for later too. Fish and rice? With either brussels sprouts or brocolli? Yeah, but thawing meat for tomorrows, too. Later.
.
I can't remember when I went to bed, or going to bed. I have this feeling I do know what it is for an asteroid to hit terraferma though. Thankfully, I was nowhere near water. I went in at a low angle and fast. Made it all the way to paydirt. Then buried in deep. No dreams, no shuffling, no rolling, of which I have any awareness. Now that, my friends, is sleep. I wouldn't want it that deep every night, but on some nights it fits. Last night was such a night. As complete of a computer reset as I get. And I don't seem to have slept wrong, so nothing was damaged in shipping. Booyeah.
It was 7:00, or a little after, when I woke. I couldn't believe the time. It's a good enough time, no doubt. I just can't believe I slept so long, so hard. No memories of rolling, minor near wakes, and a sort of strange timekeeping through the night from various things, even though I am mostly dead, is a rare thing these days. Still, as tired as I was after yesterday, it was perfect.
Today? Rest. But while resting, plotting. I am hoping to get back on track with some of my projects. I do need to get the drip watering system in. Perhaps, someday, I will find use for that still. I would like to clean out under the sink, and get that ready for work. And maybe hitting the bathroom with broom, mop, toilet brush and clorox stuff, plus some dusting might be good. Oh, and with the table being maintained at nearly cleared, I would like to make some headway on that, in preparation to honing a straight razor. I don't know what will happen, but as I try to peak out a weak, possibly or not accessible window of opportunity, those are what I see right away.
I was thinking of something, as I was falling yesterday evening, but before I hit... then this morning, while initializing... There are people out there who seem to know who I am and what I write, here. Some approve. More approval than not, locally. I can see it in faces and eyes. Some do not approve. Those who do not approve have this frozen rage on their puss. A burning hatred seethes from within. Delicious, do not think it causes me an iota of concern. I know, and they know, there is nothing they can do. At twice, and more, of some of their ages... with a heart that is well and truly at deathly levels... they know I would eat them, without even a thought in the raw. Yes, boys and girls, my virulence in some things is obvious even now. A knife in the back, or a bullet from behind, might not even see them to their wishes, and might well see them ended even then. No glory, just guts, they lack both, and any courage of their convictions. The stench of fear... I don't know if it's right to own, but the Lord does know I... enjoy it immensely. When I was of a darker nature, it was one of my tools outright. Now, just a faded, deserted, dessicated reminder of another time, transposed onto the efforts of a shadow of the light. Absolutely delicious. Then again, who knows. One of these jackals may end up offering this lion a final beautiful death. Not one iota of concern. They can't win. Evil can't win, that's part of that gig. *gruesome grins*
Well, a little time to wake, then an organization of effort perhaps. Hmm... I ought to think about food for later too. Fish and rice? With either brussels sprouts or brocolli? Yeah, but thawing meat for tomorrows, too. Later.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Sometimes...
.
.
Every once in a while, a woman can sing my words, in her ways and tongue, so very well. A daydream reminded me of just such an occurrence. Perhaps more a minor nightmare while awake. Okay, there are some nightmares that get to me a bit more than most. Just not the typical ones. A bastard of many things, but there... needs to be a medium, sometimes. And so it is. How does the calculus of the bastardization of it all work out? Ask God. That's what I do. He has merely suggested not to worry, so long as I remain true.
.
Every once in a while, a woman can sing my words, in her ways and tongue, so very well. A daydream reminded me of just such an occurrence. Perhaps more a minor nightmare while awake. Okay, there are some nightmares that get to me a bit more than most. Just not the typical ones. A bastard of many things, but there... needs to be a medium, sometimes. And so it is. How does the calculus of the bastardization of it all work out? Ask God. That's what I do. He has merely suggested not to worry, so long as I remain true.
The sun.
.
.
It's slowly starting to light the world. I'm not sure I am ready for it. Going out there later will be a bit of a stretch. That's not a horrible thing, it's actually a good thing. But so is a tracheotomy if you need it. Need, want, not always the same thing. I am a bit tired still. I would take a quick nap, but I don't think it is possible. I have to be able to sleep in order to nap. Simple math. It just doesn't work out.
I am considering trying to get a shower and maybe head into town early. A hair cut. Not really short, not with fall and winter about to tackle my poor old corpse. The cold really doesn't bug me, and yet I don't want to just leave myself to it's less than delicate abuses. A little extra hair helps just a bit, and in a number of ways. The question, though, is whether I can pull it together to pursue a coup against time. At 8:00 and change, I have a few hours to take a shower and still have time to air dry, perhaps three hours. I will need to be pretty much finished by then if I want to get in and out and still be on time.
The world is certainly cooling off. I really have to set up a time and date, then push to retrieve my drip watering system. It, mostly, worked. While there are weeds out there, it is nothing like last year. If I had been able to do much this summer, I probably could have kept up on it. Maybe the weeds have thickened since last I looked, if I doubt it. Yeah, no garden next year. Hmm... I might try to help out a neighbor though, by setting up a drip system for them. No request of vegetables, no cost, just for something to do. Have them call me if something goes wrong, figure it out, and slowly get them independent on the system. Then, the next year, do the same for another neighbor. Hey, it would help me learn to keep a system up and going, how to customize. I would learn much, help my community save water, but not have to do the daily daily, which seems beyond my grasp, currently. Yes, I think I will make that a goal. Through the winter I can stock up on a connections, lines, study, timers, and be ready to install the system as soon as they plant. It's not a great expense, but it isn't free either. It really does help with the weeding, and water bill, too. More than most might suspect.
Hmm... Oh, right. Back to trying to shake myself out of slumber. Later.
.
It's slowly starting to light the world. I'm not sure I am ready for it. Going out there later will be a bit of a stretch. That's not a horrible thing, it's actually a good thing. But so is a tracheotomy if you need it. Need, want, not always the same thing. I am a bit tired still. I would take a quick nap, but I don't think it is possible. I have to be able to sleep in order to nap. Simple math. It just doesn't work out.
I am considering trying to get a shower and maybe head into town early. A hair cut. Not really short, not with fall and winter about to tackle my poor old corpse. The cold really doesn't bug me, and yet I don't want to just leave myself to it's less than delicate abuses. A little extra hair helps just a bit, and in a number of ways. The question, though, is whether I can pull it together to pursue a coup against time. At 8:00 and change, I have a few hours to take a shower and still have time to air dry, perhaps three hours. I will need to be pretty much finished by then if I want to get in and out and still be on time.
The world is certainly cooling off. I really have to set up a time and date, then push to retrieve my drip watering system. It, mostly, worked. While there are weeds out there, it is nothing like last year. If I had been able to do much this summer, I probably could have kept up on it. Maybe the weeds have thickened since last I looked, if I doubt it. Yeah, no garden next year. Hmm... I might try to help out a neighbor though, by setting up a drip system for them. No request of vegetables, no cost, just for something to do. Have them call me if something goes wrong, figure it out, and slowly get them independent on the system. Then, the next year, do the same for another neighbor. Hey, it would help me learn to keep a system up and going, how to customize. I would learn much, help my community save water, but not have to do the daily daily, which seems beyond my grasp, currently. Yes, I think I will make that a goal. Through the winter I can stock up on a connections, lines, study, timers, and be ready to install the system as soon as they plant. It's not a great expense, but it isn't free either. It really does help with the weeding, and water bill, too. More than most might suspect.
Hmm... Oh, right. Back to trying to shake myself out of slumber. Later.
Slept like a log.
.
.
It was definitely one of those nights. I can't be sure when I finally went down, though I think it was 19:00~20:00. Earlier and later being slightly possible. I was beyond exhausted when I crawled into bed. I decided to let the girls sleep with me, even though I knew they make sleep a little more difficult and reduce the depth of it. Without them, I can just flop to this side, or roll like a bear. With them, I have to... be aware enough not to squash one or the other of them. They have amazing anatomies though. I could only probably kill one of them if I trapped it under me while still asleep. Sam got rolled onto lost night, but was quickly extricated having little more than a slight whine of indignation. Didn't even move after that. I doubt if she fully woke up, nor did I. Kids!
I woke right around 3:00. That, I do believe, is the witching hour. A fiction, as I mentioned, created by those afraid of the light, and the truth. Better to create a fiction to believe in, I suppose it may be believed, if one can't really deal with some realities. Well, and for some, the truth just is dull. And, yeah, I suppose. Like driving 1,000,000 miles without an accident is dull. Honestly, in spite of all my various off-roading... I really like the road. I was either forced off, or had no other option. But I have always liked the road, even when I hadn't used it for long periods of time. Stick to the road, if you can. I have never understood those who try to go off the road with the wrong vehicle, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, just for variety. I never will understand. The witching hour is based on just that. And it's a wreck.
Lovely morning? No clue. It can't be, actually. Because it is morning. Later it might be a wonderful day. But not until the notion of morning is gone. Not that I find mornings, in general, to be bad. They are merely bland, gray, sometimes hard if forced. And yet, in some small way, I enjoy. That time of the day to reset and restart. If I can do it slowly, I enjoy it much more. Usually, as today, I can. The hope is to get beyond the fog and into something, without having to force it.
My friend called last night. Shooting, tomorrow? Urhm, when, noon or 13:00, or so? Yes, he thought, that might be right on. Very well, so it goes. I locked in and will keep my promise. Time, for me, as mentioned, is give or take. Lord knows I try. Reality happens around me, only including me as it wishes. It might be 14:00 or 15:00 before we are out. Though, sometimes, I can be there, then, somehow. Magic. But, I will be there, and as on time as possible. Which means, sometime this morning, a shower. Hopefully with enough time to air dry. I must be a lizard, or dog, or something. Oh, I'm partially dressed while air drying. I'm just not a nudist, as oddly inhuman as I can be I do love to be covered. Though that may be more tactical than... moral, or social, or... whatever, too. Do not get caught with your pants down, or whatever might serve as pants for your mind's comfort zone. Indeed.
Chuckles may abound, while waking. Things look much funnier in the near view mirror. While waking, distance is already quirky, perception is slightly off, inhibitions are slightly lowered, and you, my friend, are deliciously easy to play with, if in the same boat. Women learned to laugh with, and at in return, or go hide until their funny bone was prepared to be rubbed. Same with my girls (cats). Some days various egos are up to it, some days, like this morning it seems, not so much. Sassy is suggesting I not touch her. I merely ask, through the eyes, if that means noogies are out. Haven't seen her since. Yeah, she knows when I am up to no good. *crocodile smile*
Ugh. Morning, I think I said. And no one to gift with noogies. Blah. Later.
.
It was definitely one of those nights. I can't be sure when I finally went down, though I think it was 19:00~20:00. Earlier and later being slightly possible. I was beyond exhausted when I crawled into bed. I decided to let the girls sleep with me, even though I knew they make sleep a little more difficult and reduce the depth of it. Without them, I can just flop to this side, or roll like a bear. With them, I have to... be aware enough not to squash one or the other of them. They have amazing anatomies though. I could only probably kill one of them if I trapped it under me while still asleep. Sam got rolled onto lost night, but was quickly extricated having little more than a slight whine of indignation. Didn't even move after that. I doubt if she fully woke up, nor did I. Kids!
I woke right around 3:00. That, I do believe, is the witching hour. A fiction, as I mentioned, created by those afraid of the light, and the truth. Better to create a fiction to believe in, I suppose it may be believed, if one can't really deal with some realities. Well, and for some, the truth just is dull. And, yeah, I suppose. Like driving 1,000,000 miles without an accident is dull. Honestly, in spite of all my various off-roading... I really like the road. I was either forced off, or had no other option. But I have always liked the road, even when I hadn't used it for long periods of time. Stick to the road, if you can. I have never understood those who try to go off the road with the wrong vehicle, in the wrong place, at the wrong time, just for variety. I never will understand. The witching hour is based on just that. And it's a wreck.
Lovely morning? No clue. It can't be, actually. Because it is morning. Later it might be a wonderful day. But not until the notion of morning is gone. Not that I find mornings, in general, to be bad. They are merely bland, gray, sometimes hard if forced. And yet, in some small way, I enjoy. That time of the day to reset and restart. If I can do it slowly, I enjoy it much more. Usually, as today, I can. The hope is to get beyond the fog and into something, without having to force it.
My friend called last night. Shooting, tomorrow? Urhm, when, noon or 13:00, or so? Yes, he thought, that might be right on. Very well, so it goes. I locked in and will keep my promise. Time, for me, as mentioned, is give or take. Lord knows I try. Reality happens around me, only including me as it wishes. It might be 14:00 or 15:00 before we are out. Though, sometimes, I can be there, then, somehow. Magic. But, I will be there, and as on time as possible. Which means, sometime this morning, a shower. Hopefully with enough time to air dry. I must be a lizard, or dog, or something. Oh, I'm partially dressed while air drying. I'm just not a nudist, as oddly inhuman as I can be I do love to be covered. Though that may be more tactical than... moral, or social, or... whatever, too. Do not get caught with your pants down, or whatever might serve as pants for your mind's comfort zone. Indeed.
Chuckles may abound, while waking. Things look much funnier in the near view mirror. While waking, distance is already quirky, perception is slightly off, inhibitions are slightly lowered, and you, my friend, are deliciously easy to play with, if in the same boat. Women learned to laugh with, and at in return, or go hide until their funny bone was prepared to be rubbed. Same with my girls (cats). Some days various egos are up to it, some days, like this morning it seems, not so much. Sassy is suggesting I not touch her. I merely ask, through the eyes, if that means noogies are out. Haven't seen her since. Yeah, she knows when I am up to no good. *crocodile smile*
Ugh. Morning, I think I said. And no one to gift with noogies. Blah. Later.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Daytime is a struggle.
.
.
I'll keep at it. No nap today, if the one I took yesterday was far too late, doing more harm than good. I really thought about a nap today, but didn't get to it in time while having no interest in repeating the fiasco encountered yesterday. Still a bit sore from getting out recently. Recovery is rather quick, and the more I get out, the quicker recovery is and the milder the strain to begin with. Too inactive this summer, if that hasn't been a choice. I will simply keep trying to figure out how to do more, get out, work, and play. I'm a crippled animal, not a stupid one. :p
It is overcast today. That is actually a bit of a comfort. While my sunburn is already gone, the memory remains. A slight fear of the sun has returned. Which means, I really need to get out soon, again, to not let that become more of a problem, or my weakness to the sun increase. If it hurts, if you fear, head right on in or quit and go home to hide... for the rest of your shortened miserable life. As tough as my life already is, I refuse to relent. So, I need to get out. Plus, it's fun to look into the sunny face of my enemy and take all the radiation he can throw at me, with a smile. Burned smile, but it works. :)
More coffee, as I try to maintain consciousness until supper arrives. And a bit more. Just being barely conscious isn't enough. I have to be aware enough to want, or see the need at least, to eat. I am hungry, but then I try to always be a little hungry. Well, that is optimal. A bit hungry, a bit thirsty, a bit tired, and a bit horny... in the right mix... that will see you to hell and back. Hell, like any big city, is a place you go only for need, and a place that might be interesting to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. So always figure out how to escape either, should you have need to go in. Just saying.
Later.
.
I'll keep at it. No nap today, if the one I took yesterday was far too late, doing more harm than good. I really thought about a nap today, but didn't get to it in time while having no interest in repeating the fiasco encountered yesterday. Still a bit sore from getting out recently. Recovery is rather quick, and the more I get out, the quicker recovery is and the milder the strain to begin with. Too inactive this summer, if that hasn't been a choice. I will simply keep trying to figure out how to do more, get out, work, and play. I'm a crippled animal, not a stupid one. :p
It is overcast today. That is actually a bit of a comfort. While my sunburn is already gone, the memory remains. A slight fear of the sun has returned. Which means, I really need to get out soon, again, to not let that become more of a problem, or my weakness to the sun increase. If it hurts, if you fear, head right on in or quit and go home to hide... for the rest of your shortened miserable life. As tough as my life already is, I refuse to relent. So, I need to get out. Plus, it's fun to look into the sunny face of my enemy and take all the radiation he can throw at me, with a smile. Burned smile, but it works. :)
More coffee, as I try to maintain consciousness until supper arrives. And a bit more. Just being barely conscious isn't enough. I have to be aware enough to want, or see the need at least, to eat. I am hungry, but then I try to always be a little hungry. Well, that is optimal. A bit hungry, a bit thirsty, a bit tired, and a bit horny... in the right mix... that will see you to hell and back. Hell, like any big city, is a place you go only for need, and a place that might be interesting to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. So always figure out how to escape either, should you have need to go in. Just saying.
Later.
The beasts.
.
.
As I have mentioned, I have dreamed of being animals. An eagle, a bear, and a wolf. I most strongly associated with the wolf, but such is not a real choice, only a conscious one. Through time, I have collected items that represent each, save one. For the eagle, I have a ring that resembles the beak and skull, or variously and for some, a talon. With the bear, I have a fetish necklace, made of turquoise. These things sort of came to me. Often without thinking. One was bought as a gift, but one I could not relinquish. The other was a foolish bauble at the time of it's purchase, unseen for it's purpose until later. I kept wanting, and trying, to be rid of the latter, until I realized I couldn't, and why. I have been pondering how to obtain something of the wolf. Something true, but not disrespectful. Something real, but not of a killing nature.
Last night, I was visited by a large wolf, in my dreams. It was the wolf I had been. Still large, still strong, but much greyed. It spoke to me without words, through the eyes and thought. It told me I already had the items I needed. I searched recall but could not see. It saw my confusion. It suggested something I have always suggested myself. It is in the eyes. I didn't fully understand, in the dream, or since waking. I am not sure I believe. Sometime this day, however, I will look at a video of a wolf, and go reflect on that in the mirror. I am not sure I believe, quite yet. I will know, when I am ready. Could just be a silly dream.
Later.
---------
Hmm, after looking at dozens of videos, most so stupid (scientific) or suicidal (animal love crap) that I won't even bother to post them, I didn't really see the connection. Probably just a dream. Still, it was neat. Some dreams I just can't help but enjoy.
.
As I have mentioned, I have dreamed of being animals. An eagle, a bear, and a wolf. I most strongly associated with the wolf, but such is not a real choice, only a conscious one. Through time, I have collected items that represent each, save one. For the eagle, I have a ring that resembles the beak and skull, or variously and for some, a talon. With the bear, I have a fetish necklace, made of turquoise. These things sort of came to me. Often without thinking. One was bought as a gift, but one I could not relinquish. The other was a foolish bauble at the time of it's purchase, unseen for it's purpose until later. I kept wanting, and trying, to be rid of the latter, until I realized I couldn't, and why. I have been pondering how to obtain something of the wolf. Something true, but not disrespectful. Something real, but not of a killing nature.
Last night, I was visited by a large wolf, in my dreams. It was the wolf I had been. Still large, still strong, but much greyed. It spoke to me without words, through the eyes and thought. It told me I already had the items I needed. I searched recall but could not see. It saw my confusion. It suggested something I have always suggested myself. It is in the eyes. I didn't fully understand, in the dream, or since waking. I am not sure I believe. Sometime this day, however, I will look at a video of a wolf, and go reflect on that in the mirror. I am not sure I believe, quite yet. I will know, when I am ready. Could just be a silly dream.
Later.
---------
Hmm, after looking at dozens of videos, most so stupid (scientific) or suicidal (animal love crap) that I won't even bother to post them, I didn't really see the connection. Probably just a dream. Still, it was neat. Some dreams I just can't help but enjoy.
Long sleep.
.
.
Yesterday, I woke at midnight, then didn't get down for a nap until... 15:00? Close enough. I slept until 17:00, but stayed down until called. Supper then, not long after, back to bed. I shouldn't have tinkered with a nap in there, but I wasn't going to make it without that. I can't be sure when I went to bed, but no later than 19:00, I think. Almost 7:00, and I am just awake. I woke several times, and the girls were beating on the door. Brats! Seriously, that is just rude. I suspect Sam, most of the time. Even if food and water are good, if she wants to go outside, she'll mess with the door. I think she has friends visit. Probably a fixed male, but she likes him anyway I think. Probably goes out so they can just stare at each other. Bah!
I have taught the girls, to some degree, that messing with me is not wise. I am lenient if it was a very long sleep. I sort of consider them back-up alarm clocks. They have learned that they will not be fed anytime near when I wake, though they may still plead, lightly. No! Still, knowing that they get food four to six hours after I wake does... fit into the calculations, and energy used in their efforts. This morning Sam sounded like she was becoming a rock drummer. Gah! But, fair enough. I'm up.
Today? I don't know. It's been rough. I know I am missing medications, even with all my effort not to do so. Sleep and waking is messy. Dreams, a chilled over fever, and some other things, are adding up to an odd, sometimes uncomfortable, walk through a very hazy natured life. Oh well. I will get better. Or not. I have survived decades of far worse. A summer of discontent is better than even a month in a complete fog-bank. I'll just keep looking for doors and keys. Hmm, for the most part, I'm not even grumpy about it. Just a bit sore and stiff when I finally get to something, for a while. That trip to town has left me feeling a bit weak and battered, and sun-burned. Still, sometime in the middle of this week, I will get out again.
Get to it, if you can. Later.
.
Yesterday, I woke at midnight, then didn't get down for a nap until... 15:00? Close enough. I slept until 17:00, but stayed down until called. Supper then, not long after, back to bed. I shouldn't have tinkered with a nap in there, but I wasn't going to make it without that. I can't be sure when I went to bed, but no later than 19:00, I think. Almost 7:00, and I am just awake. I woke several times, and the girls were beating on the door. Brats! Seriously, that is just rude. I suspect Sam, most of the time. Even if food and water are good, if she wants to go outside, she'll mess with the door. I think she has friends visit. Probably a fixed male, but she likes him anyway I think. Probably goes out so they can just stare at each other. Bah!
I have taught the girls, to some degree, that messing with me is not wise. I am lenient if it was a very long sleep. I sort of consider them back-up alarm clocks. They have learned that they will not be fed anytime near when I wake, though they may still plead, lightly. No! Still, knowing that they get food four to six hours after I wake does... fit into the calculations, and energy used in their efforts. This morning Sam sounded like she was becoming a rock drummer. Gah! But, fair enough. I'm up.
Today? I don't know. It's been rough. I know I am missing medications, even with all my effort not to do so. Sleep and waking is messy. Dreams, a chilled over fever, and some other things, are adding up to an odd, sometimes uncomfortable, walk through a very hazy natured life. Oh well. I will get better. Or not. I have survived decades of far worse. A summer of discontent is better than even a month in a complete fog-bank. I'll just keep looking for doors and keys. Hmm, for the most part, I'm not even grumpy about it. Just a bit sore and stiff when I finally get to something, for a while. That trip to town has left me feeling a bit weak and battered, and sun-burned. Still, sometime in the middle of this week, I will get out again.
Get to it, if you can. Later.
Monday, October 20, 2014
The pope versus God?
.
.
The pope suggest that God is not afraid of change. Of course not, He wrote history, knows the ending, designed the program, offered men the choice of choosing unfailing truth or lies. Hell, He created Lucifer. But that doesn't mean He accepts change. How can He accept change if He doesn't do it? Allowance is not acceptance, much as allowing your children to fail, fall, and do wrong, then correct, is not an advocacy of doing wrong. If the pope wishes to debate things, I suggest he do it in his heart, in prayer, amongst his wiser associates, not with my Church, traditions, Magisterium, or any such thing, let alone logic, so long as it is well known that God is not a being of change, nor for it. It is clear, that if God changes the goalposts, many will be lost. The enactment of the Second Vatican Council will eventually be abandoned, or the Church will fall. It isn't even that the thing was all wrong, it was merely that the wrong signal was sent to the wrong actors at the wrong time. It will have to be... corrected. And the bad actors will have to be dealt with. As the bible says, God does not change. If the Church changes, then it veers away from God. I cannot recant. That would be denying the bible, which is much more than it seems.
I may not seem Christian to you. But that is because you have been taught very wrong things about Christianity, Christ, and much else. You have been fed adulterated notions of many things. You believe in equality, even of sexes. Equality only exists for those who may be culpable, as they can be culpable, in the eyes of God. It is not a thing of flesh. You believe in the state, and law, as morality. You are dangerously confused. Let me ask you this, would you give your life for your faith? Would you even risk your job? How much of your faith have you tendered for your own gain or satisfaction, or even mere acceptance? Probably best not to debate this, though feel free to hate. I would highly recommend against that, but... if God leaves you the choice, who am I to naysay? *grins* Hate is a form of suicide, the hate of another cannot damage me. More so since I know it is flesh that is the illusion, as such things go.
Scoot. Go cry to momma. You will receive no succor here.
.
The pope suggest that God is not afraid of change. Of course not, He wrote history, knows the ending, designed the program, offered men the choice of choosing unfailing truth or lies. Hell, He created Lucifer. But that doesn't mean He accepts change. How can He accept change if He doesn't do it? Allowance is not acceptance, much as allowing your children to fail, fall, and do wrong, then correct, is not an advocacy of doing wrong. If the pope wishes to debate things, I suggest he do it in his heart, in prayer, amongst his wiser associates, not with my Church, traditions, Magisterium, or any such thing, let alone logic, so long as it is well known that God is not a being of change, nor for it. It is clear, that if God changes the goalposts, many will be lost. The enactment of the Second Vatican Council will eventually be abandoned, or the Church will fall. It isn't even that the thing was all wrong, it was merely that the wrong signal was sent to the wrong actors at the wrong time. It will have to be... corrected. And the bad actors will have to be dealt with. As the bible says, God does not change. If the Church changes, then it veers away from God. I cannot recant. That would be denying the bible, which is much more than it seems.
I may not seem Christian to you. But that is because you have been taught very wrong things about Christianity, Christ, and much else. You have been fed adulterated notions of many things. You believe in equality, even of sexes. Equality only exists for those who may be culpable, as they can be culpable, in the eyes of God. It is not a thing of flesh. You believe in the state, and law, as morality. You are dangerously confused. Let me ask you this, would you give your life for your faith? Would you even risk your job? How much of your faith have you tendered for your own gain or satisfaction, or even mere acceptance? Probably best not to debate this, though feel free to hate. I would highly recommend against that, but... if God leaves you the choice, who am I to naysay? *grins* Hate is a form of suicide, the hate of another cannot damage me. More so since I know it is flesh that is the illusion, as such things go.
Scoot. Go cry to momma. You will receive no succor here.
Burned.
.
.
Even before I went to bed, if doubting my eyes, it looked like I had a sun burn. Seriously? I was out of my home for only about three hours, most of that time in my vehicle or in a store. The only times I was outside was, when at my friend's place, he was finishing his cigarette and then when he had a cigarette after shopping. In both cases, I mostly kept my back to the sun. Sure, it isn't burned to a crisp, but lightly red with some slight puffiness. That is just crazy. I'm doomed! Wait, I AM Doom. Never mind.
I did set up the new pillows. I do think they will work. Even with them being a change, I woke without fresh kinks, aches, and pains of adjustment I had been waking into. There are small aches and such in the neck, shoulder, and head regions, but those are remnants from yesterdays. Echoes that should iron themselves out before too long. Pretty whiny for a monster, I know. But I have the time and little else to focus on. If God sees me to a wife, she will... give me something to whine about, but no time to do so. Which is why I will return the favor by giving her a child, then more. You know, I don't think that works out quite like it seems, which is exactly how God planned it. You don't get ahead until you are so far behind that you can't catch your breath. Then, when you find balance, and catch your breath? Then, on earth, you KNOW heaven. He's... tricky that way. It's just that so many have lost faith. They want heaven now, and always, so much so that the only way to find it quickly is to exclude God. That instant heaven, however, is exactly what those of faith know as hell. Damned addictive, too.
Never mind. Look... if you think I am evil? And I am telling you that the ultimate good in, and beyond, the universe should receive your kneel? It makes me laugh when people call me evil, then ignore my advice on how not to be evil, or what evil is or isn't. If you are considering drugs, talk to an addict who would make another choice. If you are thinking about having sex before marriage, talk to an older person who has had many affairs and found the fulfillment of emptiness and those who are now irreparably diseased. Thankfully I hit the one before stumbling into the other. If you are going to ride wild on a motorcycle, talk to some of the long-timers and those who have lost it all for fun. Don't listen to those who are just about to get off the bus into whatever darkness with you. They know not what lies ahead. Don't ask the ones waiting to prey on you, either. Your stupidity is their meal plan. Just a thought. I have nothing to gain from your success or failure. I don't get a percentage of tithes, I don't get a free pass to heaven for some number of sign ups, heck... if I am a giant, truly, I may never see heaven. I gain nothing, only some satisfaction that another soul might stumble, haltingly, humbly, into a bright new true real future day.
Burned? I can still pull boiled eggs out of still boiling water, but I can't handle a bit o' sunlight? Maybe it really is some sort of more literal frozen fever. It sure feels like it. Ah well, I'll recover. I told my friend that I would be in later in the week. Shooting, probably. He thought maybe he hadn't heard from me because I was angry. I told him, if I was angry, he would definitely have heard from me. Though I had to add that, well, I am angry at him. Just for general purposes, and no more than I am angry about anyone or anything else. That got him to chuckle. Which... made me angry! :p Yeah, no worries. I think it's all fun and games, in one sense, even when someone loses an eye. That'll teach em', or me. Remember, "em'" is me backwards, without even the fancy punctuation tech gadget. Huh? Shut up.
Later.
.
Even before I went to bed, if doubting my eyes, it looked like I had a sun burn. Seriously? I was out of my home for only about three hours, most of that time in my vehicle or in a store. The only times I was outside was, when at my friend's place, he was finishing his cigarette and then when he had a cigarette after shopping. In both cases, I mostly kept my back to the sun. Sure, it isn't burned to a crisp, but lightly red with some slight puffiness. That is just crazy. I'm doomed! Wait, I AM Doom. Never mind.
I did set up the new pillows. I do think they will work. Even with them being a change, I woke without fresh kinks, aches, and pains of adjustment I had been waking into. There are small aches and such in the neck, shoulder, and head regions, but those are remnants from yesterdays. Echoes that should iron themselves out before too long. Pretty whiny for a monster, I know. But I have the time and little else to focus on. If God sees me to a wife, she will... give me something to whine about, but no time to do so. Which is why I will return the favor by giving her a child, then more. You know, I don't think that works out quite like it seems, which is exactly how God planned it. You don't get ahead until you are so far behind that you can't catch your breath. Then, when you find balance, and catch your breath? Then, on earth, you KNOW heaven. He's... tricky that way. It's just that so many have lost faith. They want heaven now, and always, so much so that the only way to find it quickly is to exclude God. That instant heaven, however, is exactly what those of faith know as hell. Damned addictive, too.
Never mind. Look... if you think I am evil? And I am telling you that the ultimate good in, and beyond, the universe should receive your kneel? It makes me laugh when people call me evil, then ignore my advice on how not to be evil, or what evil is or isn't. If you are considering drugs, talk to an addict who would make another choice. If you are thinking about having sex before marriage, talk to an older person who has had many affairs and found the fulfillment of emptiness and those who are now irreparably diseased. Thankfully I hit the one before stumbling into the other. If you are going to ride wild on a motorcycle, talk to some of the long-timers and those who have lost it all for fun. Don't listen to those who are just about to get off the bus into whatever darkness with you. They know not what lies ahead. Don't ask the ones waiting to prey on you, either. Your stupidity is their meal plan. Just a thought. I have nothing to gain from your success or failure. I don't get a percentage of tithes, I don't get a free pass to heaven for some number of sign ups, heck... if I am a giant, truly, I may never see heaven. I gain nothing, only some satisfaction that another soul might stumble, haltingly, humbly, into a bright new true real future day.
Burned? I can still pull boiled eggs out of still boiling water, but I can't handle a bit o' sunlight? Maybe it really is some sort of more literal frozen fever. It sure feels like it. Ah well, I'll recover. I told my friend that I would be in later in the week. Shooting, probably. He thought maybe he hadn't heard from me because I was angry. I told him, if I was angry, he would definitely have heard from me. Though I had to add that, well, I am angry at him. Just for general purposes, and no more than I am angry about anyone or anything else. That got him to chuckle. Which... made me angry! :p Yeah, no worries. I think it's all fun and games, in one sense, even when someone loses an eye. That'll teach em', or me. Remember, "em'" is me backwards, without even the fancy punctuation tech gadget. Huh? Shut up.
Later.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Oh, urhm, sweet dreams.
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.
My dreams have gone in many directions. I am not remembering them, always. Relics of the notions remain, and have been being expressed. Among them, some... guilty pleasures from dark days gone and done.
.
My dreams have gone in many directions. I am not remembering them, always. Relics of the notions remain, and have been being expressed. Among them, some... guilty pleasures from dark days gone and done.
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