Awake and... good?

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I am not quite awake enough to be absolutely sure.  My right arm must have been slept on, as it was asleep when I woke, as awake as I even was and now am.  Over this half hour of waking or so, it isn't quite back to normal even yet.  Better a slow waking than that excruciating immediate wake-up that limbs sometimes go through, I suppose.  And, even asleep, it functions quite well.  Typing isn't impaired, if the right side of the keyboards seems to being clicked as if bubbling solid champagne or something.  Bubbles!  Nerves are such odd little things, innit?

As I mentioned, I actually feel pretty good this morning.  A little of the frozen fever is still there, but it isn't as pervasive, dominant, in blocking my view of life.  No energy on the scale, but that is normal for the first few hours.  That may or may not improve through the day.  With the main usual problem not as much in my face, I may be able to get to planning.  Even if nothing else happens, planning is good.  It whets the appetite for doing.  That, in turn, makes even small windows of opportunity a bit more inviting.  I may well get stuck half the way through such a window, but a little of something, like action, is better than none.

Only some of you will ever understand the claustrophobia of flesh that I not only know, but have been resigned to for most of my adult life.  Most of you would not survive it, taking your own life to escape even the shame, but certainly the frustration of it is at least as terrible.  Outside voices and expectations can help, if they are close and patient.  Even that is limited, but it does help.  Instead of one in twenty, my effort success rate doubles, maybe triples.  And, once in a while, I take the game against me and hand the nature of the predicament it's head in a basket.  Rare, but it does happen.  Oh, I am well past giving up, but too, I do understand my fate.  Only God can undo it, and He has not, or not yet, seen a reason to do so.  Further, I am almost sure if He lifts this curse it will be to loose the Kracken, not to have me join the field as an engineer.  For every gift, a price.  For every freedom, many responsibilities.  I have learned some things in my long slumber through life.  Of flesh, it cannot end well.  Of flesh we may not even see, or understand, the fruits of even true works.

Some are trying to see, but they haven't the sight.  It isn't in numbers, or dates, or actions, or statehood.  It just is, and either you see it or you don't.  How much as planned, how much is conspiracy, how much is incompetence, how much... just is?  When dealing with a being that isn't bound by time, or the laws as we understand them, yet can interact and change things past, present, and future?  A fools game to attempt deciphering.  Still, it's interesting to watch others try to see, once they feel it, in this way, what I dream.  The difference?  I know, even if I see true, humans always have a way out.  If, as a large enough group, they choose it.  Prayer.  Ask and you shall receive.  Something the numismatists, pagans, fortune tellers, and others, miss entirely.  Much as science misses truth in it's efforts to negate God.  If God is the truth, and you deny God, you will never find the truth.  So be it.

Hmm... on to waking, and planning.  Good day.