Drowning.

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I had hoped after three doses of the diuretic that the fluid would begin draining from the lungs. I drink very little, as I said. In spite of constant thirst, drinking resembles eating sand more than being refreshed. Tea, water, soda, it all is simply difficult to consume. My lips continue to blister. As far as I know, my next medical appointment isn't until the end of next month, though cardiology may be setting something up soon. Drats, I had meant to do some shopping. I will be in town tomorrow, taking Sassy to the vet. Gatroade and milk are the main things. As for eating... The nice thing about a small appetite is that my grocery bill has shrunk to $150 a month, including milk and soda.

I keep waking with full lungs, breathing on the skids, and a sore chest. At least I am not yet becoming oxygen deprived. A few times where I have excessively run myself out of breath, I have seen the beginnings of that, seeing "stars" I know to be a sign of asphyxiation. I used to see those in fights too, if my opponent was half decent when I was a budding fighter or later if someone nearly got my glass jaw just right. I keep looking for things that might help, researching online a bit, talking to others.

I have decided to set up my weights and to start using them. I don't know if pushing that will help. I will have to start low, probably just with the bars and bells. And it may turn out that I simply can't do it without seeing stars. But it might just push things open, force my body to respond. I have a good idea what the doctors would say. But they err on the side of caution to unreasonable levels almost every time. I think of them as medically based nanny mothers. "Oh, don't do that, you could do something which could cause something which might hurt something!" Common 'mother's neurosis' is suffered by all of them, in spite of the truth of how most of them live. You have to find out for yourself.

Just more complaining. For the moment, it is what I have. Talking to live people, even in the medical field, about half of this and... they back off as if I have the plague or abruptly change the subject. People like shiny happy things, not the truth. Certainly not my truth. I understand. Still, I have to shake them up so that they can look at the whole thing and paint a picture I can understand. Besides, I am the one who should be in shock. I'm not, I'm just grumpy about it all.

I haven't heard from my priest, but then he is not officially back until sometime earlier this week. I am sure his message service is full. Actually, before calling him back, I may simply give him another week to find some sanity upon his return. That is a "job" I am not sure I would want to handle if I could in the first place. Then again, in a more secular way, having been raised by a minister and family, I know the life of a pastor. The troubles, foibles, follies, sadness, and joy that a large congregation can put on one man is immense. I like to call it the physics of life. Even in God, with the bible, and in earnest, the questions are usually more varied and unique than the answers. The answers, actually, are simple. Do or do not, quite often. Do in faith, don't do in haste, want, greed, or lust. But how they fit the questions, how to answer the questions so that the answer makes sense to the one listening, that is where the fine delicacies and intricacies of immortal wisdom become a set of physics and mathematical formulas that are stunning. Of course the bee can fly, but how do we show it? Anyway, a little more time on that.

Hopefully I can get to mowing today. As is, it is already raining again. Perhaps I could at least get out with the weed eater and hit around some of the areas so as to mark it all up for the mower. Perhaps too some raking and branch mitigation. My trees shed branches like some trees shed leaves or nuts. On the good side, branches are easier to police. Who knows what will be done. After Sassy's appointment, the month is pretty wide open. I have a chance, after weeks of constant appointments, of getting back to... solitude, quiet, rest. Perhaps that will give me time to find my new place with the new conditions to begin... starting wherever I can.