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If how I feel has anything to do with how I am doing I am in trouble. Admittedly, I started a bunch of things yesterday. Along with furosemide, prescription strength potassium, over the counter calcium, magnesium, and a multi-vitamin, and carvedilol were all added in. Flushing and a bit of nausea is what is happening actively. A general exhaustion, if merely on par with recent norms, is also to be found. Even if it were not very likely to rain soon, I doubt if I could have gotten to mowing. Something else seems wrong with me, but I simply can't put a name to it. It is something physical, something not good, as opposed to a feeling or set of emotions.
I have been reviewing my conversation with my mother. Her response was surprising. I wondered if she, having seen me in bad scrapes, believes I will come out ahead this time too. I wondered if that she is so busy there that anything else can't really be taken in and processed. Perhaps she really doesn't care, she honestly sometimes really dislikes me (more when I am correct than not, as some (many?) women seem wont to do). None of those notions seemed quite right. Gnawing on the consideration while it gnawed on me lead to another idea. Perhaps she simply can't handle the notion of me dying. While she has performed in-home end of life care for many people, perhaps her youngest child would be so far beyond what she can do that she can't ponder it without a gold leaf embossed letter from three board certified doctors and a dream sent from God.
I am almost sure, now, that I am dying. While I am more sure of a economic and possibly civil collapse, I nearly as sure of death. I think the only thing I am unsure of is timing. And more, I gamble with intervention. If I have some one here and have a stroke, I am screwed. You can live for decades... on a feeding tube. Would a failing be fatal or lead to death quickly? Just because they can't fix the underlying problem in such a way that I could lead any kind of life doesn't mean they wouldn't do so after a failing, leaving me less of a reduced life than what I would already be looking at. So much to consider. So few answers as to time.
At least I am over the thought that my mother might be ignoring this out of spite. And, yes, I knew when I stumbled on the last notion that it was the right one. Something happens when the right factors combine in a mind and the correct answer is found. Beyond logic, I felt it. We are, after all, in spite of our variances, quite well connected. My dying is killing her. Meh, she is a woman, she will take this in stride, survive it, and thrive. Like it or not.
"I am almost sure, now, that I am dying"
ReplyDeleteI hate to break it to you but we are all dying so don't feel alone as this process begins at the very moment we are born.
Well, there is always that. The difference I discuss is similar to a discussion, carried on by two men at the top of the empire state building about getting down. One, of course, assumes the elevator or the steps are the only ways. The other, for whatever reason, has direct gravitational pull as the only means down. Of course, there will be some misunderstandings.
ReplyDeleteBeside the high blood pressure, an enlarged heart (both ventricles), 1 to 2 liters of fluid in both lungs, and my kidneys and liver showing strong signs of failure, I have this odd hitch in my side. Well, I should say another one. There is the pain from breathing, but there is another one underneath it. Most of this has been going on from two months with the lungs to 12 years with the blood pressure, perhaps 4 years with the rest.
Now, you could be right. But my gut feeling, non-physical in this particular instance, is that I am on my way to the ground floor the fast way. I haven't met a specialist or general practitioner who isn't surprised to be talking with me. I think they only make appointments to get the chance to meet an anomaly.