Grump.

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No, no, feeling pretty good. Really. I almost am beginning to think I am indeed human and not just a clump of activated pain receptors with little else in the way substance. I have been able to sleep, and take a nap this afternoon. The pusses get attention and are loving it. I can function fairly well, tying my shoes doesn't cause heartburn as my stomach and lungs aren't full to busting. In that way, life remains good. What isn't good is I ran out of... something.

While I called about a business situation today, I have been unable to do more. At least so far. I keep trying to get to more, and will have some hope until I flick the light off and crawl back into bed for the night. Perhaps I have pushed beyond my capacity in the last few days. Though I think the problem is that it turned cold and I did not respond to that well enough.

Thinking about that, I realize I do not respond well to signals I must only assume my body does send to my brain. Hunger, thirst, temperature issues, all these and more are something most people deal with. I simply do not consciously receive those messages of distress until I am suffering. As is, I eat occasionally because food is there. I drink because of a fear of exaggerated dehydration from recent events and medications. I didn't realize I was cold until after struggling to stay awake until this afternoon and crawling into bed for a nap I realized how nice the warmth of a blanket really was. Dissociation, probably, robs me of an ability to typically respond, or even notice, needs.

Wanting to get things done, I am going to have to consciously be aware of my needs. I am not precisely sure how to test for need though. I suppose it is something I will have to figure out along the way. Of course overdoing things is another side issue. Knowing which is the cause might help, but being able to be aware of neither is the problem. Still, another day of easier breathing, less buildup of fluids, and simple living is good enough. And I have a bit of a plan to deal with the rest of it.

In spite of my difficulties, even in the worst of my sleeping and breathing problems, and perhaps oddly to many, I continued to pray. Not for recovery, or a miracle cure, or anything like that. I was, in spite of it all, still quite grateful for what I have had and what I still have. I don't need much. I don't even need to be pain free, or be able to breathe easily, if those do make other things more pleasant. I remain thankful.

Have a great day.