How does that happen?

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I woke for every alarm. I got up for each, feeling pretty good, certain I was up. I turned each of the three alarm clocks off, my mind sure that I was awake and ready to go. I don't ever remember returning to bed. I ended up, in an odd way, sleeping right three three alarms. And it feels more like I snuck out of bed than that I ever really woke up. No doubt I have been pushing things. Shoveling snow, even with a snow blower, may be a normal operation for many of you. You might not want to do it, but you can and do finish it, on top of a week of work, on top of family necessities, on top of fun with the wife and kids. But for me, it IS nearly the calorie burn work of week and I can't always do that much. And I did stay up a long time. Beside getting up early, and pushing things a bit so as to avoid messing up my schedule, I got caught out. At about 17:00 , while blowing my nose it started to bleed. And it bled at a terrible pace, terrible enough that I was worried about just going to sleep with it, especially as tired as I was. I ended up not getting to bed until 23:00, meaning I was up nearly 24 hours. I really could have bled out if the nosebleed didn't stop. As is, I was on the verge of calling the V.A. A heavy six hour nose bleed? I kept having to change the block as the volume eventually came right through. Getting a new blood block in place was tricky as the blood was flowing at a serious pace. Who knows how much blood I drank. They say you can only drink a pint of blood before vomiting. I am telling you right now that is not true.

Never mind. It stopped and I finally slept. After three weeks, doing max activity on max doses of the 'gimp medicine', staying up nearly 24 hours, recently having pushed a car out of a ditch and clearing my driveway of snow, then finally (if this has an effect) bleeding out for six hours, I suppose getting up might be difficult. Anyway, I missed Mass. I just can't push it this morning. I doubt if on any particular morning, in this state, can I get up and out in an half hour. But today? I really thought to try but reality is it's own thing and time flew while I tried to grok it, beat time and my body. It was a doomed effort.

Still, I am pleased with my efforts. It isn't always about winning, not even about doing, it is about trying even when you have zero chance. Whether he knew it or not, Custer ultimately won if not personally. Keep your notions of that in your pocket if you weren't for his win, look at it objectively. Or, to put that in a way you (if a Christian) can understand it, Christ won, right through torture and death. My win, while nowhere near so grand as either of those, is grand in a petite personal way. Even when I lose, at least now.

While I am going to retreat just a hair this week, again, and do minimums, I am keeping my goals on my mind. I am going to do those minimums. I might do little extras, frills and finials as applied to baroque music. And God may call me to more. For the most part, however, I need to get back to basics for a bit. I need restful time, I need a little relaxation, and I need to do my routine and keep up my home. Those last are my focus. All else will be, temporarily, set aside. I will note, just that is more than I have ever been able to do. The retreat is minor and will be extremely (for me) temporary.

I keep looking for someone in my condition with whom to converse. What I find is that most people in my condition are bedridden, cared for by medical staff or family. They aren't available for frequent contact. I have to keep this in mind, too. I refuse that. I can't see how living like that, even if it means living longer, is worth it. Give up my successes? Give up my gains? No. And, to be honest with you, I don't think they will live longer. I have a belief that even if my heart doesn't improve it isn't going to kill me soon, if it might bite me when I push things.

Hmm, a bit of very minor house cleaning and laundry is in order though. After or during that, I need to figure out my week. A slightly different trajectory is needed than the one I had in mind. Good day.