What is it that I have been doing?

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On days on which little is done, such as today, and more so on days where I have difficulty doing what was planned, sleep in, or whatever, I begin to question myself. I have to look at what I am doing, how my life is different from a few weeks ago, and what is coming up. I need to reaffirm my position, my success, or note my failures.

I was a bit bummed that I had missed Mass. And further that I was so late to get up. As I set about making supper, I had to think about all this. Supper? Well, yes, there was that. Hmm, no dirty dishes, either? Nope, not until supper. And I washed them, thoughtlessly, afterward. Drying all but the plate. It dries well itself, while the silverware and glass does not. Oh, and my home has been swept and vacuumed this week, and last. My bedding has been changed twice as well, with my bed being made almost every morning. How many times have I made it to Mass now? Eight, nine times? More. I have been waking up pretty well. There are days I stumble but mostly I get up before 9:00. I have begun opening long lost contacts with friends and my brother. I have been visiting my friend, seeing to his needs as is possible. I'm not the best at it, I like to go fast, perhaps too fast? But I do try to help. I may learn to slow down. But twice a week I have been getting both of us out. Being a friend isn't charity though, mind you. I don't see it that way. I have continued my little exercises, probably doing a few extra rounds to make sure they were done. I have taken my medicine like clockwork. I am negotiating a claim, finally filed my first time home-buyer credit, and am working at getting my gun rights back. And I am becoming involved with my Church, more actively than simple participation.

Okay. So I didn't get much done today. I stumbled on the way. It was an extra credit event and I did what I could with what I had. Sure, exhaustion seems to be hounding me lately, but I am working through it as I am able. I am sticking to the plan, I have my daily routine, I have figured out weekends. Could I honestly do more? Not right now, no. I may honestly have some hope to grow into more. I am certainly testing those doors. For a man on the last edge of a functional heart I am doing wonders. I suppose more will depend on my heart getting better more than it will depend on my will. Though I do wonder if doing more will be a net positive toward healing?

It is still frustrating to have a goal and miss it. It is still hard to work through exhaustion. This, unless my health changes, at least from time to time, is going to be... impossible. If I could have been doing more I would have been doing more. I am not lazy, disinterested, or incapable in a theoretical manner. I was staying hidden, a bit, because of the notorious nature of my disproven diagnosis. Without another diagnosis to counter the argument that I was insane, I had no way to deal with questions regarding my doubts. Patience, that and humility. Until I get better I will have to hold onto those attributes like a kid in the big people pool holds onto a flotation device. I feel like asking the doctors, like a kid asking his parents... are we there yet? Will we ever get there? Where is "there"?

Final analysis? I am doing as good as I can, for now. I can sleep well, raise my chin, and keep trying. Good night.