You know, things really are going very well.

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I won't tell you I am high as a kite or moving like a rocket.  It isn't always easy, and the truth of the matter is I am still extremely sub-par to almost any other man or woman out there.  Put in the perspective of my reality though, I am taking very solid baby steps.  They are as big as I can take, as quickly as I can take them.  They are the biggest boldest steps I have taken, without serious boosters, in 25 years or more now.  But it IS hard work, for me.  It is merely that I can do it.  It has always been in my mind, my body just simply could not comply.

I keep wanting to do more, to see how far I can go, how much I can do.  The other side of my mind wants me to proceed with extreme caution.  It isn't so much that I might kill myself through exertion, my body... pretty much will shut me down before that.  No, I am worried about thinking this is "the" time, and then taking a hard hit the next time I fall.  Especially if this goes on for an extended period of time, like a year or two, and then I take a hit.  The fall is bad, trying to remember how to get back up is murder.  How do you balance something that has never happened before?  How do you deal with the unknown?  I suppose with a smile and as much grace, and faith, as you can muster?

I will go forward, just as far as I can.  I will keep some caution, and doubt, too.  But if I can simply put my things together, and get out that door, or put my hands to some work or other, or read and learn and think, I will do it gladly.  I will push when I have to do so, within reason.  I will be planning for more, keeping an eye on all the gauges while I do so though.  Crap, who imagined becoming healthy being almost as frightening as being ill, more so?  Yeah, well, fear is fine.  It is what you do with fear that will mark you as a man or not?  No, I would go forward either way.  Not that I am fearless, or even brave, merely that I am a happy fool in the face of most things and just do what my making makes me do, if I can.  Too rock dumb to know when to stay down, too, probably. 

A bit of reading then to bed.  Good night.