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No, I won't get the second sprinkler system set up and going tonight. Too tired. I've pushed it. Up at 8:00, in the garden from 9:45 to noon. A trip to town. A bit of tinkering after I got back then another trip to town. It was 100 again today. Yeah, no. Headache. Should just push on but I don't want to overdo more than I have. Limits.
Sprinklers, plus an extra, milk, water additives of two sorts to try out. One type is just a flavoring, the other is an actual electrolyte/salt replacement. After my difficulties with carb loading/diabetes problems with dry mixes, I decided to go with something that just flavored the water. Had to be careful though to. Many of them are "energy" drink mixes. I just don't want that. Don't know what is in it, don't want to upset balances with an unknown. Oh, and a couple of pair of wrap sunglasses. One just dark, the other reddish... never tried that before, just curious.
Ouch, but I do have a good headache going. It's minor, so far, which is why I am stopping. A few aspirin, a little bit of a cool down, maybe a quick shower, then it's bedtime. I did forget to call for an eye doctor visit. And I haven't rescheduled the diabetes clinic yet. They have it set for about when I will be heading to, or at, Burning Man. If it isn't that important to them to have it sooner, then we can make it later. And, of course, I didn't set up the new hoses for watering, thus didn't water the grass, again. Hey kids, I'm licking through the layers for the bubble gum on the pop as fast as I can.
With shooting on Friday, I may just try to head in even earlier and swim. It all depends. Tomorrow? Back in the garden, readjusting hoses, setting up the new ones, and otherwise taking it easy. A phone call or two as well. Oh but what a splendid week so far. I'm thinking insulin is doing the trick. Perhaps it is putting the kidney function back in order as well. I had stopped all diabetes medicine but the syringes never came, so I was free floating in that regard. I just get stuck, sometimes, and... wait longer rather than call. Ugh. Surprised those waits haven't killed me yet. Oh, right, I finally filled the medicine set with the extra carvedilol, nights only. I have decided it will take more than a week to adjust. I will reconsider the next time I fill the thing, in about 12 days, 13 including today. Yeah, it's... all... coming along nicely. Not perfectly, not without bumps and hiccups, not cleanly or exactly as I want it, but about as good as can possibly be believed and then some. It's life, don't you know!
Later... No, probably good night. Sleep well, I know I will.
Yeah, but I'm stuck on this. I don't know how many other men went through this, or are still going through it. Some men, possibly, can live their whole lives without being forced to become two different sorts. I think you have to go through some heavies to get there. If you go beyond heavy and on into insane you... don't realize, can't remember. One side is functional when it is needed, the other is almost a cover identity. Who knows if tptb can tinkertrain that, or... help it along once it begins. The perfect op, a man who doesn't even know what he did last summer? Whatever. It's there, though. The thing is the mask has been removed. Not by the clusterfuck psychologists. If anything they tried to keep it buried. Yeah, well... Some things don't stay gone, if they will never be fully known. Bits and pieces of each remain, fragments. The narrator is the face, but the truth is Durden. Only... reformed. No longer believing hell is the only way out of the nonity, or just in it for the highway to hell and all the little perks. Hmm, never mind.
Just stuck on this. And when I work hard, stretch, pull, burn... I end up here. Playing with the burn, pain, losses, and gains. Whatever. One last thing... you can't kill your Durden. Don't buy Hollywood endings. You, if you have gone there, are Durden. You aren't you, maybe never were you. I still wonder if he knew, or I did. Was he an active participant, or was that me. Neither of us seems to know, though... he might be holding out. He's like that about some things, things he doesn't think I should know. Good night.
"Who Knows?"
ReplyDeleteDude. MK-Ultra. It's what I was getting at some time ago.
Officially ended in 1974, but don't believe it. Deliberately creating dissociation/split personality was one of their techniques.
That is honestly a possibility. If so we probably aren't supposed to live this long. Suicide if nothing else, if an unstable condition occurs, regardless of the cause, was probably baked into the cake. Well, and they probably control any medical through the V.A., if such were the case, meaning failure to treat a life-threatening illness would make perfect sense. They had to know. It certainly plugs a lot of the 'unlikely' problems.
ReplyDeleteOf course, they probably know more and start with very specific stock. Hell, they might actually know a nephilim from a man now, if it seems those with the mark of Cain are useless for their purposes. Their problem is they known neither man other than as a machine and only somewhat, or God. The same problem that haunts academia, making both... anemic to truth.
Like I have suggested, at this point, that is actually none of my business. I doubt if they can produce such from unwilling stock. If ignorance and foolishness is an aspect of youth, there is always choice within those stipulations.
I guess I don't understand the lack of curiosity (or concern about the consequences of knowing?)
ReplyDeleteIf I had my suspicions about myself, I'd be on it like a hound dog to figure out what they did to me and how to undo if possible (by the grace of God, if nothing else.)
I wouldn't call it a lack of curiosity. I've seen/imagined enough to know that blindly poking around in there would be damned foolish. I don't fully understand electricity, but I'm not putting a fork in an outlet to find out, or if slightly differently, again.
ReplyDeleteAs to undoing? You don't undo anything. I thought like you at one time. What I came to realize, at least for me, is that unless you can undo time, you can not undo the past. What I can do is choose how I live in the future.
Oh, make no mistake, I do review, look around the corners and edges, and test certain things. I have come to many understandings, sort of like writing a manual for myself. You might even say I have learned my own programming code. It works, to a degree. Some things are still locked down, out of my grasp, but so it is with all. The difference is, with me, if the situation is 'right', the cues are available, what I am unlocks. Further, after much effort, "I" am not locked out when that happens, at least not in a fairly long time, mostly little but a few big things have shown that "it" trusts me now, like a big brother who... believes the younger brother is now ready to see, mostly.
I've written before, about how in some situations I used to "forget". I at least have a little viewing window now, if little control. But I do trust what is in control. It isn't them, but another side of me. They can only build them, if that is the case. After that, and like "me", they can only trust, hope.
Has nothing to do with curiosity. And since I trust it, I do think some of what tptb does, or did, was legit. Sort of like trusting/preferring old time cops to what is put in play today for that role. I am, if that, a relic of the Republic, not the democratic aspect of what was once America.