Brutal night.

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I stayed awake until somewhere between 17:00 and 18:00.  I have no idea what time I made it to bed.  I crawled into that room.  I remember little, only that just getting to my bed was a struggle.  Dreams, some of women but not sexual this time.  Think of the idea of women, as painted by Picasso or someone like him.  While I tease that women are difficult to understand, I fib.  The difficulty lies not with understanding, but with wanting to psychologically go to where understanding may be found.  It is their aspect that is alien, how their bodies work and what they want and how they get those things to function in the world.  This, to men, is alien.  It is a fish to a bison, a bike to an airplane, the moon to the sun.  There are similarities and differences.  Other dreams were had, of various difficult to broach topics and ideas.  It was a tough night.

Beyond the odd dreams I woke at 20:00-21:00.  I was able to get back to sleep, but then woke at 22:00-23:00 and could not go back to sleep.  I was suffering, greatly, from a need for sleep.  The natural painkillers kicked in but not happily.  Sometimes, usually, when those work, I can sense the pain but not feel it.  Further, they have no side effects.  In this case, though, the side effects were plainly, horribly, evident.  As well, the pain leaked through.  Not all of it.  Just enough that the suffering was great.  Much like when you take artificial, man-made, painkillers, you can have all sorts of side effects, from an general uneasiness, upset stomach, and such.  I had those, and flushes.  A rough night indeed.  Usually, even in the depths of my various sufferings, I am still happy to be alive.  Last night was not a usual night.  Last night life hurt.  It hurt hard.  While I will never be suicidal again, it seems there are still times where I will pray for release.  Cursed, at times, with a mild form of immortality.  I cannot die, not... yet.

Finally able to get back to bed I slept well and long.  I could not wake, as morning rolled around.  At 4:00, then 6:00, then 8:00 rolled around, I could not, as I usually do, just wake and pop out of bed.  Well, perhaps it was 8:00 or 9:00 when I finally did wake.  I was still suffering, if in a milder way, the side effects of the natural painkillers my body releases when I go over some edges.  Flushes, mild stomach upset, who knows what all.  At 15:00, I am quite tired.  I never did wake up fully, not today.  And I won't.  At this point I am looking at falling into the darkness again, and soon.  Fighting it as I may, I am definitely on the downhill slope of the day.  That trajectory is steep.  The goal is to make it to at least 17:00, maybe 18:00.  But my problem may have been that I pushed too far beyond the trajectory yesterday, after working even the little bit I did.  Care must be given or I will sink into that void too hard.

I am fighting it.  I am trying to keep the pain, nausea, and flushes at bay.  I am looking at distractions.  I am thinking on better times and things.  I won't just give up, if I may end up overwhelmed, at times, for short periods of time.  But I will work at it when and while I can.  I don't want to go down that darkness, but now I know why I did.  It is much harder to be aware of this... sickness.  I understand why my other side closed me off to this.  I also understand why that part of me is so wickedly powerful, and... brutal.  Still, I would like to take some of that back, as I can.

My eyelids are burning.  Literally.  Yes, I have stayed awake through the suffering like never before.

Later, I hope.