I don't think some understand.

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When I discuss losing control, it isn't losing control of my... skills, or potential skills.  If I had seen that as a real potential I would have... put an end to the threat long ago.  As it turns out, that part doesn't go out of control.  It is trained, directed, and with very specific protocols.  No less a trucker forgetting how to drive safely, a boxer knowing where to and not to fight, a good lawyer knowing when to shut up and when to talk, if I am anything like what I suspect, I was professional.  Unless you have worked with a serious professional, of one sort or other, you simply do not understand.  It is ingrained.

No, what control I am losing is, potentially, simply my ability to be awake and aware.  I have been holding on, just at times.  It is painful to stay aware, much more painful than what I thought it would be.  I thought... the pain was existential.  Until this time around, or at least in my overall memory.  Perhaps I have written about being in pain, but I don't remember.  And I don't like going back to read some parts of my diary.  I didn't realize there was physical pain.  Aches, burning and flushing, burning and sore lungs today mostly, muscle aches and weakness as well, and general if milder g.i. discomfort.  It is no small pain, either.  This hurts, a lot, even with my body putting out stuff to counter the pains.

I was asked about it, so I decided to clarify.  And, as to my service?  You know as much as I do, effectively.  I do and then don't believe a word of it.  I don't want to believe, mostly, save to deal with it when I have no choice.  Mostly I can keep those notions locked in disbelief.  Yes, I have been treated for it, was tested, harshly, to even be allowed to be treated.  They didn't want to serve me on the matter.  What does that mean?  I don't know that, either.  Just don't try and poke me in the eye with a sharp stick and we will be as square as can be.  Even if you push that line?  I won't lose control.  What I do to an attacker will be as professional as a shark bite.  Absolutely nothing personal, quite precise, and with all the power God gives such creatures.  I might even remember.  Chaos lives in such moments, the variables are immense.  But so does law, and even God.  God is no slouch when it comes to violence, bite your lip on such notions.  But it won't be an accident, nor incorrect.  Fair enough?

Now, if you would rather keep your distance?  That is fine by me.  I understand.  It has taken 25 years for me to try to face this in myself my own self.  Being in this much pain, being close enough to smell my own death, being unable to care for myself... all of it is terrifying.  I can only imagine what it must look like from the outside.  I'll live.  I've done this on my own, and far worse, many many times.  Go away for a month or three.  I should be better by then.