Odd and odder.

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My dreams of late have just become odd.  Last night I had some very odd notions going on.  They were so complicated I couldn't quite remember them.  It seemed, however, during the night, that I believed them to be important.  In one case I dreamed the material again, but in a different, easier to remember form.  Then promptly forgot even that form.  If you have ever done calculus, imagine having that explained for the first time while you are mostly asleep and quite ill.  It just wouldn't stick.  Yes, my dreams have been similar in complexity, at least the basic idea of a simpler calculus problem, so not all that bad really.  Just enough to be too much to remember.

I had trash set to go but couldn't get it out last night.  Again, I ended up crawling to bed, this time quite a bit later.  I was neither really awake or truly asleep when I went to bed.  It was late when I went to bed, but not because of anything other than I completely lost track of everything.  I have been taking my medicines, including insulin.  I haven't been eating anything I shouldn't.  So I was extremely surprised this morning to see my blood sugar had jumped to 258 or so.  As I suggested, when I am doing poorly, I think my body simply doesn't function as it should.  Rice and tuna, a small serving of spaghetti, cheese and salami, that is what I have eaten in the last three to four days.  Not a sip of anything, no sweets, not even the apple sauce brought for dinner.  I reserved that for today, as a snack.

Having organs giving me fits would explain the illness, the flu like symptoms.  It also explains the blood sugar, if those organs simply don't do what they should.  As I suggested, I don't have diabetes so much as temporary organ failure.  Why should heart medicine do that?  By decreasing my heart function so as to give it a break, my heart can't put out the blood to those organs.  Then again, this happens on it's own once in a while, which is why I used to go down so very often, and why my blood pressure averaged 180/120 for 12 years before they... figured things out, and goes even higher now when left untreated for a while.  My blood sugar can jump to beyond the range of the blood sugar tester here at home, as well... meaning over 650-700.  My body is demanding blood.  When it can't get it, things fail.  So far nothing fatal, and I am now improving.  But I am still a very ill little boy.

I am feeling a bit tired but a bit better today.  I will need a few days of rest, at least, after pushing the other day.  While I didn't get the trash out last night, I just couldn't and couldn't remember to boot, I did take it out this morning.  Hopefully I took it out in time.  I did make fresh rice last night, enough for several meals.  Just a bit of hamburger, or tuna, or almost anything, with short brown rice, makes for a good meal.  I don't really care for beans and rice, but when hungry enough even that will do.  Sure, it is said to provide full proteins, the problem is that it doesn't taste like it.  I may have to experiment with that because even using top shelf beans and rice is cheap.  Hmm.... MSG might help in this department.

I did do a bit of research regarding MSG, after posting that article.  I, as well, had heard it was bad.  I, on the other hand, had fully ignored the warnings.  I even bought it at one time.  I didn't know how to use it, however, so never really... got my MSG mojo on.  As it turns out, MSG is a naturally substance in some things, including soy sauce, tomato paste, and anchovies, for a few examples.  So cooking with additional MSG in some foods is not necessarily going to help.  Much like adding salt to anchovies is probably not, for most tastes, a wise application.  Further, MSG increases perceived saltiness, making soy sauce, an already salty additive, even saltier tasting.  Again, not the best application of dining design.  However, Tex-Mex seems to lend itself well to the use of MSG.  So much so that, beside oriental grocers, Mexican grocers are another place to buy MSG in a very inexpensive manner.  MSG is, and is supposed to be, cheap, unlike what some will try to tell, and sell, you.

Anyway... if I can get my liver, kidneys, and such to work again, or at least when they do, my mind will be ready for a bit of work.  I am suffering through these things, but at least they truly are, very literally and up front, beginning to make sense.  I understand what the painkillers my body creates are for.  I also understand why my mind has traditionally run away.  There is nothing like the feeling that Salvador Dali has redesigned your innards.  Being awake through that is too much, for most, certainly for me.  Especially since, for most of the time, I was told that was all in my head.  Oh, you want to know what it feels like, eh?  Hmm.  Buy a large belt, one that will cover your whole lower abdomen, then cinch it down as tight as it will go.  Now get someone else to cinch it down two or three sizes too tight.  Now... do abdominal exercises until a couple of those organs seem displaced, twisted, bruised.  There ya go.  That part hasn't improved, but the painkillers seem to have kicked in and I haven't dropped down the dark hole.  In these moments, some times are better than others, but blood sugar has rocketed skyward.  I don't know if staying aware is better, but at least I am seeing what I have been missing all these years.  Weird.

Yeah!  I got the trash out in time.  It has been taken and I have room for more!  My double grinder is in, and some other stuff I ordered, including more of those Desert Cat hooded long sleeve shirts.  Those are thick enough, and with long sleeves especially, warm enough for winter use by me.  I don't know how he could wear those in the summer.  I will try next year, maybe there is something to that.  I tried one, and it worked so well I got more.  They don't have them in tall, but while the double extra large make them rather baggy it also gives them some added length, and extra material, so that I can, mostly, tuck them into pants.

Hmm... later.


At least I now understand, more than ever, why people hide when I go into... those places.  I used to join you. Yesterday it was my eyelids that burned, no fever though. Today? My lungs. Still, I am doing a bit better.