Odd.

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I did make it to bed rather early.  I "should" have been to bed by 20:00-20:30 or so but I was just off my game.  The time from realizing something is ready and doing it are two different things.  So, but 21:30 I did end up in bed.  And, actually, that was pretty good.  It can take three to five hours, at times, to do what... what I am going to do.  Even sleep, no matter how tired, doesn't just happen.  I have read that dinosaurs actually had a very slow nervous system.  Literally, by the time some dinosaurs, such as the apatosaurus might literally not realize, for example, that their tail was on fire until it was nearly gone.  How true that is we will probably never know.  But the idea, for now, is understood if on a much more limited basis.

Waking between midnight and 1:00, though, I am actually in really good shape.  While the lungs have a deep minor burn to them, the rest of the body is good.  Or the painkillers are working really well.  Thinking is wonderfully clear.  Thoughts have been okay, through this, but not as good as usual.  The synapses were simply slower to fire, from pain, possibly from higher doses of natural painkillers, maybe just from the underlying condition.  It beats being in a coma like state, but it hasn't been great.  For the moment it has returned to normal.

Why?  Dunno.  I just hope to be able to get back to bed before too long.  Sleep deprivation, insomnia, whatever, or whichever it would technically be, really kills me.  It increases felt pain, limits my natural ability to biologically medicate, and hurts all by itself.  And losing my day schedule really shoots holes in my potential to do daily tasks that might arise.  Still, it is nice to wake to a little normalcy.

Actually, I might know what caused it.  The heat.  I had been, for a while, needing great heat to function a bit.  I kept raising the temp in here until I became comfortable.  There for a while I needed it to be set at 80.  As I acclimated to fall, I was able to shut it down to 76 for a while.  Then, finally, 72.  It seems 72 is now too hot.  The first thing I noticed when I woke was an actual body heat excess.  I almost forgot doing it, but the first thing I did, almost unthinkingly, was to turn the furnace down to 66 when I woke.  You know, in past illnesses, or even in better health, I would not have remembered doing that.  It used to make for a slightly frightening world when I never knew what variables had been altered, or how,  and then not understanding that was the problem.  Life, for me, is improving.  How much room for improvement beyond this is not known.

This song may be disturbing to some.  But understand... it is exactly where I am.  I am seeing it for the first time, up front and center, loud and hard.  You may have seen this before, but I couldn't.  And I can't remember.  All that whining in the past?  I don't remember.  Even when I have happened to reread some of it... I was cynical.  It couldn't have been that bad, I thought.  Docs say people don't remember pain.  I guess, in my case, it's true.  Anyway, yes... falling, an endless fall... never ending call... I'm losing control... I'm dying alone... repeat, repeat, repeat.  That is almost every moment of every day for some weeks now.  Like a orbital trajectory around the earth, falling but not falling fast enough to create the burnout of reentry, I just hover... seemingly forever.  Such a lonely thing.  I will be ready for death like none you will ever meet, especially now that I have found how to stay awake during this time.  I just won't be given that grace for some very long time.  Might as well look for a wife.  Ha!