Not so much in the eye.

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I explained why I wasn't at the dinner, and that I wanted to be.  I didn't mention it wasn't about getting thanks, but about sharing in that.  Couldn't look him in the eye.  I knew I had been pushing, and continued to push, and that is why I failed.  I didn't lie, I simply had guilt.  I'm a terrible liar, and worse about holding things back.  Ever had a dog or cat or kid who knew when it had done something and couldn't look at you?  Now, I honestly thought I could push through, and then I did get tangled in the push and ended up pushing too far, but I should have known better.  Well, yeah.  Still, that is the way it will be here on out.  I'll never know what I can do, regarding the outside world.  I just shouldn't... promise.  Not anymore.  I probably still will, in hubris.  Sometimes I will be able to make it, sometimes not.

Down a bit before 22:00, up a bit after 2:00.  I need to get the trash out, work in the kitchen as I can, get a shower/bath combo in, then probably take a nap before setting up to get to town today.  Hiking.  My pack is still set up.  As well, I may see if any of the sporting goods stores, either of the Walmarts, or a few other places, might carry a stick anchor.  I would like to set up the kayak again today, work on the anchor trolleys (one on each side), figure out the seats (which I may or may not be using solo), and get it all ready for a trip down the river today, tomorrow, or Wednesday.  For some reason, the gps I ordered may take a full month (really?) to arrive.  So, if I go, I will be sticking with the buoyed river path, for now. 

Then again, I had no plans of going extremely far.  The first times on the water will merely be to acclimate myself to the craft and to this water.  I will have some things aboard, and in the Xterra for when I get back, so the operation isn't too much strain.  It may well be cool, even cold.  It might be raining.  I won't, on purpose, be dumping the craft.  But that may very well happen.  I have to be geared, in any case, so as not to lose anything.  Bungee cords, rope, waterproofed containers.  Never go out assuming... anything.  Less so with certain craft.  Plan for the worst, hope for the best. 

My sleep cycle is off.  I am awake, then not.  This part I don't mind so much.  It's when I get stuck in the middle, as happened a good part of yesterday afternoon.  Couldn't do even much like work.  A bit, but no focus.  I couldn't nap, just wasn't in there.  I couldn't really read, lack of focus again.  I did wear the weight vest for a couple of hours.  I think that actually helped, a bit for a bit.

Yes, I will get the trash collected and out by 6:00, I am hoping.  Spending the time in between waking and maybe doing some other light tasks, though mostly just trying to wake.  Medicines... I'll take those right away.  I just had a pear, I'll have three eggs later, then a few more for lunch.  I need to thaw meat, buy charcoal and cook meat tonight, boil more eggs... three dozen will get me through the week, and then figure out the grain mush.  Hmm, with hiking, shopping, and the kitchen, I may or may not get to the boat today.  I would like to have the last things I want for anchorage, and make sure I can find my pdf.  That may be it for the kayak.

Ugh...  I do need time to wake.  At least I am not sore, stiff, ill, or green.  Vomit seemed to be focused on Saturday afternoon, but has not been a problem since.  Still, life is getting tight.  It'll never be easy again, not for the foreseeable future.  It'll be three or four years before I know any kind of allowed rest again.  Gotta go.  And nothing before me is easy.  Quickening is the hardest part, mechanically, but probably the least complicated.  The rest gets downright faith based complicated.  His will, my... back.  Oh, don't even think I'm back-sassing.  He's already done all the heavy lifting, mind you.  Any sass noticed is at myself.  Later.