Masculinity.

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What it is, what women think it is or want it to be, what men want it to be?  It... is what it is.  I have been thinking about it, as I have been... doing guy things lately.

Sure, gaming.  But... even a girl can game.  Mostly.  No, it was in fixing my rig, adding components inside and out, and planning to do more.  Not just... or even... making it mine, but improving it as a tool.  Last night I tore it down, partly.  Adjusted the hard drive, looked up material on what I was doing, and what the problem might be, and came across more material proving pertinent to the project at hand.  Even... implementing it.  Through a wall of data that was nearly incomprehensively large and complex.

I realized, as I was doing that, a bit about manhood.  And... why women can't raise men.  Not on their own.  They can get us through potty training, past weening from bottle or better breast, teach us to talk, communicate, and do all sorts of early stage adjusting.  But, once we are past being boys, a woman... hasn't a clue.

I mean, don't be angry with women, regarding this.  They can no more teach a boy to be a man than a cat can fix a computer.  I... don't even think the interest is there, directly.  But, most women want their boys to be men, or used to before feminism completely took over.  There are still some good women, even if they can't keep a man... for whatever reason.  Still, even with outside help, it just isn't... likely.

I went to a foster home, about the time I was needing a father, and so was given some opportunity.  My brother went to work with a farmer, and so got a bit of an opportunity.  Not perfect, but something... more than just the feminine.  Which simply doesn't work.  At about the age I left, I couldn't even... hear my mother anymore.  GADaffdadfja k lak;ek jffker!?!  Hmm?  I... just... at a certain age, the voice of a woman, if it's not sexy, is just... background.  Hormones raging, can't even hear the chirping.

But that's a different thing.

Being a man, according to a woman, is supposed to be about being right.  Never wrong, never this, never that.  But that is impossible.  What women think a man should be, or is, is pure fiction.  Besides, they would hate a man like that.  There would only be a small place for women in that world.

Feeling creatures?  Sure, but it's not about that for us.  That is more of the feminine.  It's not a feature, for us... feelings.  Those are bugs.  Annoyances.  Good ones, I am glad God graced us with those.  Or the world would be a lot... darker.  We learn from sensing, but more... passively, long term usually, not... short term, like women.

We are closer to logic, but too, not even close to that being dead center.  We can't be just right.  We have to fuck up, make mistakes, do the wrong things, do bad things, break things.  The best lessons I have ever had were from... making big mistakes.  Only from those could I go on to do better, fix other things like what I just broke, etc.  Mistakes are my greatest treasures, at least... when away from the costs, humiliation, frustration, of the moment.

We aren't logical scientist robots.  We are more like... engineers.  We will make mistakes, in mechanics, in electronics, in relationships... but we will learn, take a different tack, lean this way or that next time.  Small changes, or huge ones.

Beyond the engineering aspect, we are risk takers.  We were born for that.  We have to be taught to deal with failure, but to push on from there.  When we are well seasoned, we will still make mistakes.  But, hopefully, if well trained, we will learn to keep taking those risks.  Basically until we ourselves break, die, or make it to retirement.  This world is born of mistakes and risks.  The problem with these times, is no one is willing to be wrong.  But you have to be wrong sometimes to improve things.  Stagnation occurs when the feminine becomes dominant in society, culture, politics, business.  You are seeing end-stage feminism.

But, even that doesn't matter to men.  We will do what we do, as we do, as we have always done.  If we can't help or fix, or try?  We'll find other things we can work on, do, fix, build, burn, etc.  It... doesn't matter, at least not to me.

Sure, there are days when I can't stand for long.  Today, as an example.  It's just health.  As I have suggested, most men, when we fail, commit suicide.  As, again, I have said?  I have tried that more times than you can imagine, more than even I can remember.  Let me recount the ways... that I remember.  Half a cup of draino, 12 gauge shotgun, six month supply of two different psychotropics... two different times with different medicines, organic phosphates in a pesticide, and... some... other ways.  So, yea.  Can't fault me for not trying.

Now?  Now I just get on with it, when I can, as I can.  But, lately, my successes have be profound.  And, they will improve.

The electronics, the plumbing, even the house.  While it seems to have  fallen, again, I still have key positions advanced last time, and kept to this day.  The front and bathroom hallway have been cleared, the front room has been... minimized, the spare bedroom has been being... sorted as with the master bedroom.  Those key positions will make further advancements much easier.

As well, I have some things for the Xterra.  Window treatments, so driving in the rain allows windows open without as much issue, and a few other things.  A plan to take the seats out and clean the floor, and upholstery, myself.  Working on the window, at least getting the trim set, the ac in, and that.  And a few other projects.

It's... not about perfection.  That is failure, and misery.  It is learning what can be done, learning how to do it, stepping in with the direct possibility of failure and having to get help while learning.  It's... not an easy gig.  Can't do it full time, on every subject, topic, issue.  Eventually, too, you learn to pace yourself.  Patience, humility, and hope, faith, and charity, are really good.  I'm terrible at those, but learning.

Oh, just yesterday, I was setting up solar digital lights on my front evergreens.  Poor things are slowly dying.  I'll eventually have to replace them.  But, for now, I decorate them, as a bit of a... thing to do.  Blue led lights, wrapped around them, solar so I don't have to fuss.  The last pair I put up... four years ago?  Three?  Five?  But, while one was still dimly working, the other wasn't.

I got the first set up, with some difficulty.  Actually, the second.  The first one got so tangled I really had to think about whether to toss it and start over, or whether to try to sort it out.  I bought a pack of four, so it would have been easy, possibly forgivable, to just toss the birds nest one.

But, no.  I... don't like wasting.  And... needed a humbling task.  So, I got to it.  Mind you, I can easily tear this copper wire connection.  Easily... a sneeze or fart at the right... wrong?.. moment, and *snap*.  But, no.  Bit by bit, with care, I worked it.  

It was so long, and so wrong from my botched attempt to install, and the copper wiring just loved to snag, make loops which would close and tie onto other threads.  It was a long tedious task.  Humbling.  But... somehow... refreshing.  There was a certain peace brought about by not tossing, and using my hands and wits, while restraining my baser natures.

Done and done.  Got it untangled, then set up to be more easily put on the tree.  Then indeed installed.  I'll have to see if it works tonight.  Even if it doesn't, at least I tried.  It's... not about winning, succeeding, always being right.  It is about trying, doing your best, giving it an honest go, and dealing with failures as they come.

I... like being a man, a chap, a cad, a brute, an engineer.  I... do like it.  I don't think women like being feminine, to be honest.  That doesn't confront me none, as long as I get my money next payday.  *grins*