Rough.

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It could be worse.  I figured out why it seemed so warm the other night.  I had closed the window by where I sleep, and forgotten to open it before bedtime.  Odd how a few degrees can make such a large difference.  I am fragile, when it comes to changes.  Open last night, and temp was down at 69 when I woke, 66 in the main.  If, too, I awoke late, at nine.  So the sun was up, warming my sleeping side of the house already.

I didn't get down until midnight thirty.  Fighting with the machine, to get play time in.  Having to cool it off.  Shouldn't have to.  It's 70 in the main, for most of the day, or less.  Something is wrong with the system.  But it's dev created, company supported.  Asshole grifters.

It was 65 when I woke.  So I'll leave everything open, and even open the front door.  I got a shower in, first thing.  I really needed a shower.  Some days are tough, some weeks are tough.  I've just gone through both.  And, with a worrying new symptom.  My legs were numb this morning.  More on the right side, but the left has it some.  It is rare that I have a limb put to sleep somehow, rarer that I have a pair.  Actually, I don't think I have ever had both legs 'put to sleep', as they say, at the same time.  I'll change up my seating a bit today.

A headache, as well.  But, I'm not coughing up bloody foamy spittle.  And, I think I have voided a lot of the water and blood in me, where it shouldn't have been.  Doing better in some ways.  Sucks to be on the edge of infinity.  I... can't, won't, push off that edge, anymore.  God let me know, in I can't even count all the ways, that this task is for another.  Not even Him, I don't think.  It is... a.., product... death that is... of a system He created, being left no choice via our sin.  It isn't ours to claim, take, make.  Nor is it for other people, really.  Though... mistakes are made on both sides.  

Doctors, it is said, kill more today than any other single cause (more so if you add in bad medicine prescribed).  That's... not how it is supposed to be.  Do have to wonder how much of that is intentional.  These days, I would guess most of it, by the corruption in the system as much as by the hate taught to doctors against white males, or any whites?

Having tried suicide so many times, I can't act innocent.  But, in part, those attempts were because they weren't telling me the truth about my medical condition, or treating it.  So... yea...  I suppose I can lay this on them, fully.  Or close enough.  Not that I wouldn't have tried, if I realized how bad it was.  But, wasn't given the real option.

No rain last night, if the weather for it crept in.  It seems a usual thing, lately, to have a storm come through.  That doesn't mean it will rain, just that... it will cool things off, or maybe.  It got to 80, yesterday, and stayed 80 a longer than (of late) usual.  But, before five, it was down to 70, maybe into the 60s.

Ah, and I did remember to get the trash out last night.  Ugh, but that thing was heavy with all the freezer tossings.  What had been frozen bottles, ice packs, and some very old soup bones lost in there.  Out, a lot of stuff, four full kitchen sized bags, heavy, brutal.  And, having the freezer open, clear, sorted, is a nice side bonus.

I keep forgetting to get charcoal.  But that stuff is so expensive now.  Still, I have pork ribs I want to cook.  I just don't think they would do well on the griddle.  And, sure, the griddle has a grill, but I don't really want to use that as such unless something major happens, and there isn't another choice.

As well, this month or next, I'd like to start pulling the sliced beef and making jerky.  Just... to have on hand.  And, eventually, looking for the propane stove on stilts, to begin canning burger and maybe other meats.  Maybe twenty pints of beef, half that of beef roast and half of boned thighs... I'll do the deboning myself, it's exceptionally expensive to buy it boned.  Just to see if I could handle eating that.  Canned meat looks pretty gross, but done up right it can make for a very good, very quick, rather inexpensive, meal.

Well, assuming I don't die in the next few days or months.  Sheesh, but I really am in tough shape.  I can't get to food, though the weather makes that a gamble, cooking outside and all.  And... being able to eat isn't always possible itself.  Meh.  I'll... keep working on things.  Just one water pill today, and a few painkillers... of the aspirin type.  The painkillers more for the aspirin's abilities to mitigate or even stave off stroke and heart attack.  Yes, I... am just a bit worried.