Awake, not dead?

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Oh, no... problem.  Just, some mornings I am surprised.  When I wake, and push through to stand.  Making it down to do a few things, while doing things, in preparation for doing what I can do through the day.  I partly spoke a prayer, I think, asking for help getting to dishes, and a shower.

Sassy was right there, but just asking for food.  Not first thing, today, but by eight or nine.  I thought about kefir, but... not until eight or nine.  Coffee, though, I'll have.  Without sweetener.  With potatoes used up, I can get back to keto.  And, next month, I won't be having my usual veggie cheats.  Just... stick to the grindstone for a while.  Carnivore, no sweeteners, just meet, heavy cream, and kefir.

Oh, cheeses, perhaps, but local.  I'd like to find limburger.  I keep trying to get past the stink.  It's... a trick I haven't accomplished yet.  Just... even if I do become able, as with some other cheeses (including blue), don't eat it before social events.  Yes, I think even like gorgonzola is worse than garlic or onions on the breath.  While local purchase isn't cheaper, no need to buy in bulk to mitigate shipping costs.  But less variety, and sometimes slightly lower quality or total non-availability of some stocks.  But, it gets me my fix without a large shipping fee.

It is 42 out, right first thing.  But it might dip just a bit more yet this morning.  It can do that right at, right after, or slightly longer after dawn.  I suppose that is true everywhere, to some degree.  Some... mechanics with the sun, and winds as the sun approaches, but here we have mountains which may harbor cold air at elevation, which may drop when the sun approaches, as well as higher winds.  But, not always.  Odd that, part, to me.

One window open, last night.  And a fan on.  Cooler, but more comfortable.  The far window, and a closer fan.  I will do that even in the winter, fresh air is so needed.  A bloody nose, all blocked up this morning.  First blood nose in... weeks.  Probably since I started back on medicine.  But I missed last night, the prospect of medicine seemed daunting.  

I don't think I can do four carvedilol pills a day.  Just too heavy.  I have been trying.  Taking two in the morning, smashing through another two at night.  But, as it turns fall, and night, combined, I... feel something really spooky.  Taking two pills at night is just too much.  While I... sort of... expect, even look forward to, death?  I... don't want to... just cause it.  Which is why I didn't take medicine last night.

I think I will take just one carvedilol in the morning, then try taking two at night.  My doc tried to gaslight me about the medicine, but I don't care.  I know it's bad juju beans, and so does he.  I think he wants me to just take the pills, shut up, and die.  I won't.  Not... with that sense.  Nope!  I don't care what some indoctrinated fool tries to trick me into.  I burned or shot away ego long ago, I don't live by that, and won't die for it.  And, if I can't take three, I won't.  That is heavy, nasty, shit.  But... in a limited does, with the rest, it... does help.

I need to make some calls.  I've needed to make them... for a long while now.  Doctor, for blood tests.  A few potential business calls.  And family.  I called my mother recently.  Best, for me, is to call, then hang up.  Just let her know I called, and have her call back.  She is usually on the phone with someone else.  This way she doesn't have to choose.  I'm not high on the pecking order.  Just the way of it.  Women are data collectors, I have nothing fresh or local.  :p

Well... on to coffee.  But which kind?  Probably just freeze dried.  I'm... not up to fussing with the press, or waiting on the drip-through.  So... yeah.  Have a good morning.  Prayerful thoughts your way.  Now get off my porch!