Okay?

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Doc called.  Said everything is... looking better.  Well, other than the one thing.  They only do surgery for that if it gets (some measure) to a "5"?  I'm "4.8"!  :)  Besides, I wouldn't go for surgery.  They... have to know that about me by now?  They... will learn, if it comes to that.  I've... lived... too long?  I won't poke the bear the more, if I won't just quit, either.

Do people get it?  I... really shouldn't be here.  Not... even, or just, for my sins.  My body should have failed so very long ago.

Doc asked how I was feeling.  Tired, I said.  Always tired.  When speaking with the people doing the echocardiogram, I suggested, often, it is like if you go to bed at 22:00, 10:00 at night, for some types.  Then were awaken every morning, at between two and four.  And... that is as good as it gets, for most of the last forty years, or nearly.  Since the back end of '87, or early part of '88.

Tired.  No way to ever really escape it.  Sometimes I do better.  For a few weeks, even months these last few years.  But it's still a rare joy to feel rested, comfortable, not hurting from something or a dozen things.  Though that doesn't mean I can work.  It just means I feel like I could work.  How do you tell people that?  Even a doctor doesn't want to hear that.  Especially when he and to his mind his peers have done everything they can for... at least ten years.

They have to wonder if the ones who just left me off to die, with a few antidepressants, didn't have it right.  Not thinking I was salvageable, and that life would be between miserable and a horror to live?  Right?  But... if you find a dying animal, on the side of the road, do you just... say shucks, and walk off?  Or do you... put it out of it's misery?

No, not now.  I'm... past that.  Just... saying.  Perhaps that is why they no longer pledge to do no harm, first?  Though... I would suggest, even having suffered it, that the pledge, and that life, is better than the modern options.  You... really don't want to be sitting in God's chair when He returns.  That's not going to go down well.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't?  Maybe.  Just make sure, if you are damned, it is merely in a secular way.  Don't risk your soul on being right, even if you don't currently believe you have one.  You'll very possibly grow up.  Then... you'll have to face reality.  It's... a long road back from hell.  Trust me.

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Anyway... so I got that done, and got the information.  Then made some moderate plans.  Oh, and sleep.  I needed sleep so terribly I slept right through into the low 80s, and fairly well.  Then, woke for the call from the doc.  Finally waking enough and early enough to get dressed and get to the store.

Foods, yogurt, greek yogurt, this and that.  Oh, forgot cottage cheese.  I do love that stuff.  Had to dig for full fat, plain, on those items I did get.  But... good.  And, more water.  I was running out.  As well, a few entrees from their store brand single serving aisle.  As well, a few chicken cordon bleu.  I had the casserole of that last time, but didn't want that this time.  The casserole has pasta, and a sauce that is probably wheat based.  So, just went with their simple premade food.

After returning home, it took a bit to get everything in and put away.  Not that much, but it's been a long hot day.  I've used about everything I had to afford toward effort, then some.  Got to it, finished it, then set up some of the food heating.  After stripping down to cooler clothing.

It's been 80, indoors, all day.  I may have to, shortly, get the ac's going.  Especially if I want to do any work.  The heat will wear me out, even if I do nothing.  Though, if I just want to sit for a while, and become exhausted but just sit through it, I could do that.  I'd almost like to do that.

The problem is I know that, over time, that will absolutely squish me.  Until I will have trouble even getting the ac upstairs put in place, and going.  And then doing anything else.  I'll just fry out, over time, down to crispy renderings, with nothing left to give or offer.  While it will take a week or two to get back to life.  Or a month.  Ugh.  So, yeah.  I best get the ac in and going tonight.  Or tomorrow morning before it gets hot.

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Dinner was good.  I've been writing this, then doing that, and eating finally.  I'll probably have some greek yogurt, shortly, as well.  With fruit.  Thanks D.V.  Yes, I... remembered you had something with fruit.  And... that stuck in my craw.  So, in spite of my advice, and for now, I'll have fruit with whichever I eat.  And, another coffee, with a cup of cream.  Getting that extra fat in will help, and the protein from the yogurt of whichever type.  Bleh.

On to coffee and the fruited yogurt.  Then some music and such.  Then, probably, to bed a bit earlier tonight.  I'm absolutely toasted.  Or... weary anyway.  Amazed I slept so well in the 80s, upstairs.  Amazing sum total.  Later.