Finally, food.

.

.

Mother has seen me go without food for days, weeks.  And, yet, she still doesn't believe.  I must assume this is why she can't be Christian.  She watches, as time passes, while I sleep for days.  Waking for rare needs, mostly water.  Again, she refuses to believe what she senses.  I can't make the blind see.  I can, sometimes, show them.  But they have to want to see, hear, know.

Scrambled eggs, a fatted coffee, and more water.  Plenty, and then some.  How long has it been?  A week, two?  I can never be certain while resting and dreaming so deeply.  I doubt if she knows, with certainty.  Days pass for her in a haze, only slightly less foggy than mine in my travels.

Almost too full.  Blood sugar was 84 this evening.  I will check it tomorrow evening.  I doubt if I will eat again for several days or weeks.  I only eat now out of blood sugar caution.

She did ask if I would get up and speak with her, earlier.  No.  Wasn't ready, in any sense of the notion.  Tomorrow, I suggested.  She said she wouldn't be here tomorrow?  Very odd, still I was not able to rouse.  So I told her it would have to wait for Sunday.

I will have to suggest she write a note, if something important needs to be conferred.  Then go to bed so I don't glimpse my shadow and flee to my burrow.  I'm not able to be in company, of anyone, at the moment.  Less her.  But, I could read a note.  Perhaps even reply with a writ of my own.  Or leave a text.  Or... not. 

Stuffed.  Not all that much food in.  But, because of the length of the fast, a little will fill my shrunken belly as a feast.  If you are a glutton, but would rather not appear so, fasting long spits of time will allow you to feel stuffed to the gills on a quarter of a normal meal.  I used to love that over satiated sense, used this trick at once.  But, these days, despise the sensation.  I use fats and proteins, as needed, for simple satiation.  When... I eat at all, that is.

Dreams, of sisters.  Strange.  Little sisters can be so jealous, older sisters so oblivious, and yet their love so true even yet.  To see through various eyes, and later be able to connect the dots?  I don't understand.  I don't need to understand.  I can just enjoy the visions.

I would say women and girls are weird.  But, really, they just approach things from a necessarily different direction.  Sometimes I think they hate men.  And they do.  That is some portion of it.  But, then, if you see the other portion?  One has to understand... she sees with her emotions. 

Sometimes I get it, can get it, even live it?  Sometimes I can't make the puzzle work.

On back to bed, I do believe.  Strange, but I would wager, twere I a betting one, that I haven't lost two pounds with a week, or two, of fasting.  Not that losing weight is currently the goal.  I am pleased with the blood sugar reading, and fasting prayer boost.  Clarity, fasting provides something extra, to prayers, connections, communion.  

Oh, it has also given me the focus to refute my final occasional sin.  Easily, for that matter.  The will and want remain, potently.  Even, especially, with... strange dreams.  And, yet, I am easily resisting.  Oh, thanks for the distant vicarious, minder, Father Chad Ripperger.  You have... helped me greatly in my final and last recent steps.  I pray for you, and that you can live the obvious faith you definitely know.  Be well. 

Good night.