How dare they?

Well, in mho, they nailed this one.

Your Love Type: ENFP

The Inspirer In love, you are passionate and eager to develop a strong bond. For you, sex should be playful, creative, and affectionate. Overall, you are perceptive and bring out the best in your partner. However, you tend to hold on to bad relationships after they've turned bad. Best matches: INTJ and INFJ

What's Your Love Type?

Hmmm, two out of two.

You Are An ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. In love, you hold high standards... for yourself, for your relationship, and for your significant other. While it's easy for you to impress others, it's hard for you to find someone who impresses you. At work, you are organized and good at delegating. You understand how to achieve goals. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant. How you see yourself: Rational, calm, and objective When other people don't get you, they see you as: Inflexible, controlling, and overbearing

What's Your Personality Type?

Yes, I know, silly. However, since these have pointed out things I believe to be true, or within my perceptions, I decided to share them. If it is not what you see, perhaps it allows you to see what I see. It should also be said, that though I believe I am a natural leader, I shirk this odious duty. Between seeing what can happen with the best leaders, the visibility to myself of my own foibles, and my perceived personal natural raw power... I decline, save in dire straights, to step up to that plate.

Premonition or mood?

I just had one of the most intense sensations. That which I have spoke of, trouble, seems to be closer at hand than I had anticipated. I sense that the time-table I gave is woefully optimistic. What I sensed was specific, though I will keep that for myself. As well, I do not believe it is the final straw, only the first. As far as how soon, I should just say I hope I have until this summer to clear out. I am more than a little nervous.

That said, I have cleared my mind of it. By writing it, I have set it aside. I am no prophet, I am just awake. Perhaps I am wrong and this is just a mood. The down side is that, until I had this “notion” pass over and through me, I had been in a rather favorable mood. What a waste. And, given human nature, it is probably just the wrong food last night, too much sugar, or caffeine, or whatever. Still, I cannot shake it. I am not even particularly tired or distressed today, until this.

School is going along. I seem unable to focus well, and my quizzes have been getting worse. I need to get this back in the bag, as it where, and focus again. I have a test coming up Monday, and then the final is 16 days after that, I believe. There is not a lot of time and there is a lot of material, such are finals.

I am still considering some of the security measures. I will be getting the new locks installed Friday, the locking gas cap has cut my fuel costs in half, and I am considering applying for a credit card for several things, including a more secure online system and router. This has drained me, and it certainly does not help my concentration. But then, people have to deal with these things from time to time, as a matter of course.

In the briefest of moments,
I saw what will come.
The pain, the grief, the doubt,
like the morning mist,
burn away to a glorious day.

Not all will know,
not all have chosen.
I have been called,
and have approached.
Is that enough?

It arrives,
in time.
It was,
as it was,
as it is.

Oh well...

I thought about not putting this up, but... Though the truth hurt, it is better to be known than to live a lie. Though I keep saying, "I'm not a writer.", "I write for me.", etc., I had some hope that I actually could write. Well, I'll have to "write for me" I guess.

Cash Advance Loans

Fallen From Grace…

What is Evil? In the Christian sense, it would most easily be defined as being without God. In Buddhism, it might be described by a dark karma. In Zen, it might be declared as having the taint of worldliness. But in the modern secular world we live in, the majority world in spite of Christian lip service, it is most closely associated with a lack of achievement. If nothing else, this defines one of the secular mortal sins. The attainment of wealth, power, or prestige are the graces of this new order (it is actually quite an ancient system, it just seems new as it rotates in and out of power and favor, dancing in, around, and sometimes amorally with morality based power systems). In this current paradigm, I have fallen from grace. I will never attain, and far from just sinning, I am in a static state of secular sin. I am, in essence, dead to the world, for it’s part.

There are many such as myself, if we are the vast minority. Cripples, of various sorts, that is what I am, of this I thusly write. There are few, however, with my capacity to think, my ability to see well that which is around me, the voice to speak of that which I think and see, and the means (financial support) such that I do not need to beg and live under a bridge, though that is becoming more difficult. Living under a bridge, or in my case, in a forest, is being brought on by an understanding that broken things are not welcome. Further, broken things which do not then bend to secular “truths” have become an abomination in current trends. If I am not strong enough to enact my will yet unwilling to bend, I will be attacked, in many ways, by what is left of society. Fortunately, I remain too strong to kill, outright, too cagey to be tricked or trapped, probably, and not really reachable by their other special case methods.

It would be nice to have a community. A community of the broken. Those who have been rag dolls in the storms of reality. A place for the beaten and torn, abused, misused, traumatized, and shamed. However, I could find that under the bridge. So, it really needs to be more. I guess I am looking for the other gothics. The artistic intelligent aware moral (if confused about morality, a tiny bit) individuals who have become what we are, not as a form of social disregard or counter-culture boutique, but because it is simply who we are. I do not think most of us just decided to go medieval retro, most of us were sensitive individuals who were given no space for that. I have known war and sex since before I was in school, yet this was not my nature, not my inner nature. The memory of having sex with a particular girl when I was six while thinking about infinity pops up in my mind, once in a while. Probably because the thing is so off. My flesh fit well in a brutal carnal world, a world I learned accidentally to transcend. It is coming back together, now. I no longer truly transcend, blind to the beast I inhabit and it’s tedious and potentially psychically torturous-to-me “wet works” de jour. Now it is more like a floaty thing. I am aware, but, mostly, inured and passive. I trust it to do it’s thing rightly and morally, it trusts me to not interfere and to be able to cope (finally, I’m am back at my own “big people’s table”), and life has become easier. Still, having friends who have some comprehension would be a kindness. Having friends who understand just a smidgen my way because of the road they have traveled. People I would not have to fear saying what I what I believe because of their shock or having something be so far out of their range they cannot go there, yet people who would not be against saying something I see or believe is indeed wrong, and discussing, perhaps agreeing to table unresolved, and yet speak again on the topic or others. People who, like me, are really looking at tearing down the lies (our own, the worlds, and the secrets that bind them), finding the real truths, and looking at things in a sophisticated yet childlike manner. A place to start living that gentler life I was by nature designed toward, with the understanding that that nature was terribly interrupted. Yes, there are the brutish hedonists, the occult lost, and the under-the-bridge crowd, but is there not a moral or moral seeking community of the lost? Can there not be one of these? Or, in absolute truth, have I completely fallen from the graces of a completely fallen world?

Hmmm, Doom’s Club for the Secular Damned? Doom’s Upper-Crust Drop-Outs? Doom’s Doomed Forever, and Damned (Mad About It)? Hey, I am not a poet! Nor a writer. I just play one on the internet.

A conclusion?

Or two.

I have been considering the world, myself, my place in the world, among men, and how all that works. I have come to two conclusions. The first is that the whole world, the universe, even all other men, to include women and children, and all of the nature of these peoples, animals, places and things were created uniquely for me. Indeed, the universe does revolve about me. Startling, but I believe that to be true. The second conclusion is that, in all of these things I just discussed, I am irrelevant. I am unsure if this irrelevancy is based on the first fact, which makes some odd sense when weighed in totality, more on that later, or if it is a singular and dual truth, created in opposition to the first truth, for it’s own purposes, or for some other unspecified reason. Yet, I stand by both of these statements as fact.

When I say creation was tailored to me, I do not mean that everything is for me. What I do mean is that everything I come in contact with, whether it be the waitress at my favored breakfast stop or some man on the street with whom I share some moment. Even if the woman or the man merely catches my attention as interesting or threatening, one they do not intend, understand, share, or even realize, they are doing exactly as intended and do just what it was they do, knowingly or not and beyond the simple self knowledge they might own about the incident. As well, how I react is rather mechanical, how I choose to act based on that reaction, however, is my own. Will, in the end, I choose to do right when it opposes my simple best interest, will I choose to do what could and would be expected from a natural course of events, or will I choose to take such advantage that I essential “cheat the game”? Oddly, I do believe the “game” will allow me to do each, often with little or no resistance, in truth. I know what I want to do, I know I do not always do it, and I know I cannot count the deeds, good, “neutral”, and bad. I am pretty sure, however, that statistic is a known quantity.

In spite of this, nothing I do or say will change, one iota, that which will be. It is like being in a play where all the roles are divvied, each actor is dressed and readied, each knows their part. Improvisation does exist, seeming accident and illness creates gaps which are filled well or poorly, yet it is built into the system so that no character may radically alter what will happen. No one can take the stage who does not belong. And the show must go on. It is a play, written for me, which I star in, and yet have no ability to truly alter even knowing these things. It may be that the universe being designed for me makes it so that I do not have an affect on it. It might be like a pivot point, everything spins about that, yet the point itself is somehow free from work, motion, or even actual action in spite of being the element about which the event it realizes is based. Or, urhm, something like that. Or perhaps it is simply as if being a star in the play, I am watching a recording of the event, as if before, with full memory. I know when this stumble will occur, yet can do nothing, I know when that dropped line will happen, but nothing I say can change it. Odd, now that I think about, it seems as if I HAVE seen this thing before, though my memory of the play isn’t fresh. It seems I only have a general feel, an indistinct notion of the next bit, an overview. Wish I could remember the stock reports at least! Still, it might just be for other reasons that one has no real power. A prime one is that, even as a child of God, even as a willing servant to God, I yet have none of my inheritance, therefore, no real power. It is written that faith can move mountains, yet what faithful has done so? Without the will of God to carry it, such will not, yet, be done.

This seemingly mutually excluding nature of reality seems impossible, like splitting hairs into an octet of fibers with your pocket knife. And, so it is. I cannot say that one can then split hairs as such, however, I am saying that perception of possibility and actual possibility are not always as they seem. At one time it was considered bio-mechanically impossible for a man to run a 4 minute mile. High school athletes do that, now. Heck, some woman might have done it? It is a troubling set of notions, however. Perhaps like being the king of nowhere, a legitimate king with no land, subjects, or power. And that, I believe, is the truth. Where does it lead, what does it mean, how can that work? I think it is rather simple if one simply “goes long”. Do not look for your kingdom in this time or place any more than you would have looked for your first steak and glass of wine in the womb. Wait, it comes. Oh, maintaining some humility about the thing might also be wise.

Ha, I am not paranoid!

Well, not in this case. What a relief, almost. What am I talking about, you ask? I have been writing about my suspicion that someone has been getting into my house. I have been pointing fingers and chewing on the fat of what I know and sense in order to find with a certainty the truth of these things. I just do not have the money for a camera system and the requisite controller software and connective resources (cords, wireless transmitters, power sources, etc.). However, I have some vindication. My neighbor, one of the initial suspects has not been driving much lately. They used to be gone all the time, the car never home. This was true to such an extent that they had bought another vehicle. Since I put my locking gas cap in, kept all (real) cash on my person, and manually secured my doors while sleeping, not only does their new used car sit, their original newer car hasn’t been out of the driveway. Now, I think they are still getting into my house, but there isn’t much here (my coin container has been slowly emptying. I haven’t been buying groceries, and I’ve been keeping an eye on my better goods. As well, before I leave the house again, I will have new “very difficult to pick” top of the line deadbolts on my doors, while I’ve nailed shut the crawl-space entrance, and ensured other means of entrance are unavailable.

You know, it would almost be better if I had been wrong. Oh, a little egg on the face is good for spiritual hair growth and shine, now and again, anyway. And, though I would have felt bad, it would have been better than having my worst suspicions, once again, proved out. Men (to include women) are mostly not able to pass the dog poop muster… that is, comparing the two, dog poop comes out as better because it only stinks, and only makes you smell bad if you step in it… men are pro-actively bad smelling, in many ways, plus they move around making avoidance a serious issue. I would love to be able to afford a camera system and have him and maybe her, thrown back in prison where they belong, but I just do not have the money. I guess all I can do is secure what I have.

Hey, I have really settled down now that I have this thing worked out. And, though it will not be over with new locks, I am slowly building up a system with which to track “visitors”, and that will give me future peace of mind. I suppose just being more sure and finding things that work, even stop gap, and getting them going, on any serious problem, is just what it takes to put life back into order.

As well, I finally hand delivered the letter I wrote to a friend who got caught up in this. Her ABSOLUTE denial that anything was missing and accusations of paranoia not only angered me, but made her a target of my considerations. Really, I should have known better. I know her, and she is a typical woman in this type of matter. She will deny rather than face a serious risk, probably up until someone is dead. She cannot handle risk assessment or management. And, as I became more sure, having someone undermine my certainty (sanity) only aggravated the paranoia and such. Seeing how these things work has allowed me to understand witch and communist hunts, better. Not that those are wrong, only that they can get out of hand if not carefully managed. As even Monty Python troops might say… “Burn the witch!”… Yeah, ok, anyway. I had to write the letter thrice, that’s two times plus one more, working out what to say which was honest, sincere, fair to me, and fair to her, true, and correct. Yes, quite a bushel basket full, when you think about it. I asked simply for forgiveness for having doubted what I should have known not to doubt (her character). And, I did ask for considerations to be reinstated as a friend, though this will be difficult. We have been friends too long to simply not try. As well, we are each alone, very alone, miserably happily alone together in the near past. Oh, blah. I have done what is right and what I could, so, for this too, I am at ease.

I have just purchased some cold weather gear, primarily several types of long underwear. I am also looking into snow pants (more waterproof, durable, insulated pants, actually), of various types. I really would like to get out and learn to cross country ski this year. I am a little nervous, as the skis I have seen are rated for 220+ and when limits are listed for them, the highest I have seen is 260. I weigh 300 pounds. With a 60 to 80 pound pack, well… What will I need, tank tracks? Being a lesser giant has some advantages, but it certainly has some drawbacks. I think my best bet is to find a rental place and speak with them (seasonal, so not available at the moment). I am quite sure they do not wish to rent skis which I will break. As well, I will be able to try out a number of different skis, bindings, boots if called for, poles, and whatnot. I am not truly interested in doing this for fun or exercise, this is just a functional knowledge for getting around when other means are unavailable. It could be a good hunting tool, camping tool, and of course, simply the best winter means of transport if trees are not too thick, densely populated, or such. It would be neat, on a snowy day in town, to go to the store, pick up my goods, and boogie before the plows finish, maybe before they start.

My mum called today. She seems to be doing well and is happy today. It is always good to hear that. She will be flying out to see my brother’s oldest daughter play a part in the Nutcracker Suite next month. I have purchased her tickets, as her Christmas gift. Or, urhm, will when my check gets there. One thing off my list. I will only have a few other gifts to buy, mostly small though perhaps one large gift is still in the cue, and I will be set for the year. Even if my friend does not accept a new beginning, I intend to buy her a (relatively) inexpensive laptop. I HAVE to add tech support, especially if we are no longer to be friends. *sigh, woman* *hmmm, at least they are pretty* I still have to consider coal and (just cotton) socks, the wool socks are outlandish these days!

Well, I should get going on a bit of study and maybe some housecleaning. My landlord, hopefully, will be by tomorrow. Have a good day, stay sane, stay safe, and I hope you have someone to tell you love. It covers a lot of ground on all those wishes I just sent. It offers a place here, like the place there, if lesser it is in the same vein.

Well, it looks like the poets left. Good call, mostly.

You Are 51% Misanthropic

You're somewhat misanthropic, but you're not willing to write off the human race (yet!). There's a few people you like, and even them you like at a distance.

How Misanthropic Are You?

Hmmm, ok.

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

Not a lie, a damn lie, sort of.

Huh? I said, science, yes, science, yes, science, yes, poetry, huh? So what does it spit out? Ah, poets are everywhere. Gehen Sie ya auf dem Weg! (urhm, or get thee behind me, Satan?) Thanks for getting me into this fine predicament, Heidi. Girls!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

As well, I am not creative with words nor do I expand my vocabulary. I make up a good 70% of my linguistic "art". Fools.

Fixing and humming.

Ok, perhaps I am not really humming along again, yet. It is in the works. For now I am content in having taken the first preliminary steps at securing my world. Some things regarding the computer have been tended, and some things are closer than before. I am trying to figure out how and when to have my new locks installed. I have been dreading that, for certain reasons, yet longing for it. Frozen in indecision, yet thawing to the realities, I will try to have things in place for a Monday install. I am drafting a note to a dear friend who I damaged in my dark place. Her actions and words were not helpful to myself or the relationship, yet did not deserve that which was dished out (even if I then perceived it to be correct). I cannot speak to her wrongs (real or perceived by me), but I can and will speak to my own. Though I cannot really hope to regain that friendship, which perhaps or perhaps not is for the better, I can at least plea for forgiveness as we go our separate ways. I am having a tough time nailing sleep cycles down, caring for the perpetual exhaustion, or even taking proper care of nutrition, or any of that jazz, but I do what I can as I may and I believe it will come around again soon.

It is not perfect, nor will it ever be. It is getting better. I am looking for and finding little bits of hope. Hope from and in other people, hope in the world, and hope in myself. Little signs that the world has a touch of grace which cannot be undone, love which will not end, and things, places, and people who do appreciate goodness, the wholesome, the right, and the true, even if, and quite often, not in just the manner in which I understand these notions. Yes, a certain amount of personal “gold” does equal (if a larger amount necessary) a certain amount of personal silver. A spiritual diamond has a similar valuation to a particular assessment of spiritual property (location, location, location!). So, there is a wealth of the finite, a richness of human nature, and a fortune in religious devotedness out there. I can see the shine of these, even if the truly mundane wine, gold, and beauty have lost their sweet, lustrous, fascinating hold on me at even a reasonable and righteous level.

I have been watching politics. There is no one I could recommend out there, none of the front runners or favored dark horses for certain. As I have said, what I see is Democratic politicians, all. Clintons in drag, or not so much. Yet, I have not vested my hopes in man, so politics has become quite a bore. Even allowing for minor skepticisms, what hope does man really have in men? If that is all there is, then surely we are doomed. Thankfully, my vote is in God. Think about it, after a long history of worship in which he did everything from walk with and talk with, to command, demand, and destroy, he still had to send down His Son, and He had to die, because we could not and would not “get it”. Just imagine, and then you might understand why politics is folly. Still, politics is like a sport. In that vein, it is fun to watch, should one have the capacity for pleasurable pursuits.

Be well, be kind, love, and forgive. But, leave me alone! (for a little while, please?) :p

Life as it stands.

First, thank you, dear readers, for being there in my moments of doubt. I apologize for not having posted your comments. I must have read the email postings and just thought I had posted them, mistakenly through my exhaustion and fugue. Your words and advice are welcome. Your care and concern is appreciated. And your nature allows the small light of faith in man I yet retain to stay lit, grow a bit, and be warming, hopefully to one day be more fully shared than what I am able on this day to do. Thank you.

I still have not completed a few safety details. In honesty, I am not sure they will work and they are expensive. I feel aggravated and agitated, unable to sleep I am becoming less able to function. I will have to find some relief, somehow, yet cannot seem to trust what to do or who to trust. It is not so much a fear of the loss of goods or even death. Beside being insured, material goods really are not my main focus. And death, as has been noted here previously, is not something which would even hurt my feelings so long as I tried to survive (though, if someone “kills” me, I hope they do it right this time and lop off my head for surety, I do not want to come back again). Some of the few things I have and that I truly enjoy might be missed, but not so much as for the loss to be even cried about (whining would be ok). It is the sense of loss of security in a general manner, of potential pain , and perhaps a fear of having to kill someone. I do not mind killing, yet I know there are costs associated with it, costs to include a set of bones rattling in a closet full of ghosts (from many and varied sources) already keeping me awake some nights, or hiding even inside my sleep. As well, my general ability to trust anyone or anything or any system has declined. All added, I am in a miserable state and am possibly unable to fix it without intervention. Yes, being a psychic gimp has some serious downsides.

On the up side, I still enjoy those with whom I come into contact, as I may. I still enjoy the school work, if paranoia has lessened my ability to trust even my professor, his testing methods, and his intentions (a professor could easily see my strengths and weakness and test against these, score more harshly (if ever so slightly), and dump even the (not that I am, but) most intelligent, hard working, ethical student in his class if he or the system he is a part of, decide to do so). I think I will enjoy learning about the router, setting it up, and then living in some safety this way. I might also enjoy (though not the expense of obtaining) a software security suite which really works, setting it up, and the security of having it working.

Beyond, and just for kicks, I will probably buy another computer game. I have heard Halo 3 is too linear, X-box lackadaisical (intellectual challenge is 3rd grade), and typical, so I am not sure where to go for entertainment. I just finished Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and the time trials within the game, so it is time to seek a new challenge. It was a decent game, if keyboarding was a bit (very) tricky and required changing the controls from one type of activity to another (then remember if the change had been made before leaping to the safety of... urhm, falling to my death, arghhh). Though it was rather linear, following Laura is one of those little joys, being the man and boy I am. Quality wasted time is always rewarding, or some such nonsense.

Oh, I have been in many debates regarding marriage, family life in America, and other related topics recently. One of my critiques is the disinterest of American women in having babies. Should you wish to be a father, and your wife be a typical ‘American Woman’, I have done the homework and have a solution. My guess is this would be quite cheap and very sure, legally (compared to, you guessed it, American women). There is a place where you can find out more, here.


I am surely planning on leaving in August. There is nothing in Sodom and Gomorrah which binds me, I am not welcome, and I do not fit. Beyond, the education system seems more of a purification of Sodomite and Gomorrahan “ethics” than an escape from them. Christians are recommended to be quiet about their views, as are patriots, real (constitutionally enumerated) rights activists, and sound (fiscally conservative) proponents. This, of course, means any moral coding from those sources must be not only silenced, but set aside. As one who cannot and will not do so, I am alone in a sea of evil intent. What is said, done, and seen in Sodom, stays in Sodom, or so the banner reads. Thankfully, I do not abide by Swahili. I do not believe I will reveal where I am going, and it is not where I had anticipated. As well, I may end my blog. I am unsure about the last. If I can not be extremely secure in whatever method of access to the internet available to me, I will no longer participate.

All in all, it is not bad. I still do trust God. I do trust some men. And I know, however this whole ball of wax called human existence goes and then ends, there can be only one. Only one winner that is. This, aside from all the chaos, illusion, and cacophonic whispering to the otherwise, has never been in doubt. Neither this fact nor Who will win have ever been a doubt that is more than just a hope for the damned, a lament in moments of weakness for the faithful, and a cause for the dark periods of man’s history here on earth. Time will not tell, I will, however, repeat, simply what is: God will win. As well, I am not just a cheerleader, if I may also not be a regular attendant. I attend where I am, as I may, how I know I should, and I know solace in this if regret at being too broken to fully, or more fully, participate in respecting His day in the company of others. I only hope that I may please He Who is forever mature, my Father, Brother, and the Spirit.

Internet Security

I have been doing my homework. First thing, there are no silver bullets, there is no totally safe environment in which to interact with the internet. Jackers, hackers, jokers, and fools rule those waves. However, there is more secure and less secure. Hardware wise, one of the better tools with which to enhance security is a device called a router. Wired routers are more secure, having both a software and hardwired firewall and no external method which could be used to suppress or hack the security easily. It is not 100%, it is only a more secure than most method of internet usage. The next most secure tool is the wireless router. This is not as secure because anyone with a computer containing a wireless access device can, over time, hack into this. They do, however, need to be relatively close and have lots of time. There are several pluses and minuses for each type of router. Just make sure you inquire about which system the router uses, one is quite weak, the other is a great deal better.

The next thing to be examined is software. With the majority of systems working with Windows in it’s many varietals, hackers target this OS far more than other systems. As well, code is written for Microsoft’s e-mail software, browser, and all other of it’s internet tools. Beyond, Microsoft is so viciously proprietary that third party security is not able to maintain real security, third party programmers do not really know what they are working with. Microsoft, itself, not being a security specialist, does a poor job of enabling it’s own security systems within reasonable specs. If one were into conspiracy theories, one might just suspect Microsoft is using this specifically for it’s own power and money grab. It seems to have eaten even a multi-state state’s attorney general lawsuit like popcorn. I await the final analysis of the final turf battle in Europe. It’s more difficult to blackmail, bribe, or coerce 15,000 middle and upper level bureaucrats than it is to do the same to a few attorney generals (or their handlers, more likely). Of course, I would never believe such a thing about such a wonderful and liberal company. No sir-e Bob.

Anyway, the software section boils down to a change in OS (operating system), which might also mean a change in hardware. Most people have older machines, so that might not be necessary. Linux, since it is non-proprietary (mostly, and free-ware that is), does not always support the newest, fastest, and best computing hardware or peripherals. The community eventually codes for it, but the lag can be significant (or it might not ever happen, should protocols pertaining to the computer device change in the usual wait period (think cassette tape to cd). Linux is not only more secure, it is also less frequently hacked for a dozen (seemingly) reasons. From the complexity to the rarity of use, Linux is safer.

So, if you want to secure your internet use (and privacy, credit cards, etc.), then at a minimum, a router is for you. This costs, as I said, about $40 at a Best Buy or other such store near you. Installation, if you are not a do-it-yourselfer, costs in the neighborhood of $50-$80 (with inflation, that’s like, what, 20 pesos? Oh, do not cry, I did not mean it). Second, if you have some money (I’m thinking $400-$600 straight out or as little as, maybe, $25 a month for forever), a little energy, the time to learn, and like to learn, then perhaps you should consider a Linux machine as well.

As for me, I am getting a router Tuesday (probably going to install myself). As well, I will be buying a Linux machine soon. It is difficult to find a manufacturer which offers this out of the box (a Linux pre-installed or OS free laptop), but I will be twisting arms over the phone and storming offices and mall outlets soon. I certainly will not be paying for the failed and fragile Microwimp system that has so obviously, frequently, and terribly failed me in the past. Either I get a machine with NO OS or with Linux, period.

Now, to get some cameras in my home, a change of locks, and a few other things (like a means of recording long term intervals of decent quality video from several cameras) going. It's a pain, and becoming expensive, but it is one time and should take care of my peace of mind, if nothing else. I cannot function well if I do not feel safe, or at least on top of insecurities such as these. Be well.

Time.

At one point in my life there was not enough time. I wished for extra hours in the day and days in the week to do all the things available to do. I wanted to talk to this peer or that senior, I wished to learn chess and play basketball, I wanted to take long walks or bike rides to nowhere and back. There were so many things I did not know, so much of what I knew, I did not understand. Time existed, yet slipped through my fingers like the coin of a drunkard at the pub. And yet time remains. Though I understand more than I even then knew, and know more than I thought possible, some significant portion of which I wish I had never learned. I have years, decades even, left to me.

In these years, though, it is not time which I desire. I am rich with time, if my use of it is limited by my incapacity, it is still there like few men will ever know. It is filled with nothing, now, however. My wishes remain as well, yet I am frozen by things I do not understand and so my will is not my own in attaining my dreams. As well, I am alone. Time is no longer a gift I desire, but a curse, I think, for being weak and stupid, bad, or wrong.

It seems as if every hand is set against me. It makes me wonder if I am Cain. Am I marked for others to see yet I cannot see? My friends are liars, thieves, cheats, and curs, or so it turns out, save few. I seem blind to this, yet am not. I severe these ties when I see the truth, yet the pain of the cut does not only harm them. Perhaps it harms them none at all. I do bleed with each passing of a hope. One would think time would be with me on this, allowing me to scar or callus beyond pain. Here again, time is not on my side.

I do not know where life goes from here. I know I have asked my Father to take this time, to give it to another who so desperately needs it, a young mother dying of breast cancer, a father who only wishes to see his child born, or a person who so loves life, giving, and enjoying all therein. I wish for him to simply release me, to lift this cross. I swear it is far far too heavy. I think, perhaps, he has made a mistake to gift me with this. Yet I remain. Exhausted, hollow, empty, wishing only to serve and love, yet failing, it seems, to make any impression on a vampiric world. Each tear, each fear, each thought, I give these to the Lord, little prayers. Each additional breath an act of contrition, a pain, a torture.

I will go on. It is what has been given me. It is all I can honestly do, at this point. I will not be an engineer. I will not be a musician. I will not be a cleric. I will be a broken man with little dreams which cannot be filled until my centuries are finally through. I wish I could leave you with something, but there is nothing left to give, nothing inside or out that has not been beaten or stolen or lost. Save prayers, many warm, wet, clear, prayers.

The Test.

Well, so much for acing a test. I am hoping I passed. Perhaps not that bad, but it was not a slapshot. I did one of the problems when I arrived home, and found that I had made a math error. I found, while speaking with others after the test, that one answer I produced was incorrect. I am hoping I did the easier problems correctly. I just do not have a sense for the truth of that though. I will just have to dig in, with what I have left, and keep on studying. I am still quite tired, lately, but I do not think that played a large part, as it did on the quiz. At least he (our professor) does not take 2 or 3 weeks to grade our tests. I will know how dismal it was Monday most likely.

I had been planning on a visit to my mother’s home after this test. After looking at my finances, I realized I could not go. I keep promising, and putting it off. I am almost certain she will give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, when she sees me next. And then, immediately set me about building scaffolding for my hanging. I would like to say I would help her, but like I said, I will be!

I had thought to take a lesser physics, an intermediate physics to be more precise, this next term. But I really just am too tired. As well, the expense is a real drain with no promise of recuperation via work. I should invest in a set of cross country skis for traveling back country in the snow and then set about taking lessons and practicing. Yes, that means I am hoping for snow. It might not make me very popular, but nobody actually knows me or could connect me with this blog. So, I am safe with my hopes. Besides, as honest and open as I am, I am quite sure these folks around here hate me for other reasons. However, this is not a bad thing. I hope many people in this world do not like me. From some people, this is a compliment. I hope the president sees it that way too, though, I really would not wish to be lumped with him, exactly, either. He is a decent president though, and the people who hate him, would actually really hate me. I think the lad is a little soft in the wrist, politically speaking, for my tastes.

Not much else here. I’m up late, was going to go to bed but I became very hungry of a sudden. So, I popped some potatoes in the oven and am planning on having a thick cut New York Strip. A glass of milk, whole, some sour cream (full fat, as much as I can get), and a nice quiet place will top off the meal most pleasantly. Oh, I had thought about a beer fest to mollify my disappointment, but I just, in the end, did not feel like it. At least I do not feel crushed.

On the morrow.

I have studied well for this test. Thankfully, my class is in the afternoon. After having problems with sleeping too much before, I am having problems sleeping at all now, until I crash. I have usually been able to control this, though I was 5 minutes late for class Monday. There is nothing as horrifying as not being able to control yourself, in any fashion. This is little better than have bladder control problems. At least with that, people do understand (if they then expect you to begin wearing continence unders or something). In any case, I have usually been able to wake and get going in time for class. I am actually looking forward to this test, sort of. I am hoping to truly ace a test. It is all derivative of at least double variable functions and various uses of these which we will be tested upon, and, I think, my last chance to nail test down. Double (and more) integrals are next, and they look a bit hairier. I think I will be able to do them, and well, though I am dubious about acing the test on those. And, with the final, well... acing would be beautiful, but highly unlikely.

I have been spending days prepping for this test. My study partner has been great. He is a good guy, if definitely to my left by miles. He has a good mind, work ethic, and is quite companionable. Even debating politics is usually tit-for-tat. Tonight we both got a bit worked up. I am hoping it is the just the stress and fear that these sorts of tests generate. Being two bearish males, under stress, and both tired, it happens. He works a full time job and is taking 3 engineering courses, while being married with one adult child living with them. I am not sure how he does it, but if there were a way, I would lend him some of my sleeping hours. Lord knows, I need to be awake more, and would love to be awake more. If nothing else, just to crack into the physics. Worthy study partners are rare, from my experience. Actually, I had hoped I would be able to heavy up on physics enough to lighten his load, not to mention bone up on the subject, but it just is not going to happen. I am barely dragging myself to school and to study with him, sleeping or awake but exhausted the rest of my days.

Well heck, at least I really enjoy the course. Our teacher is super. He can be tricky, he is not easy, but he is available, straight-up with his expectations, and a very good guide through this material, if one pays attention. The little two year college I attend has really made a positive impression on me. Should the world not destroy itself while I am out healing, it is on the menu for my return.

The world is a whisper,
shouted in my ear.

It hurts beautifully.
It mends with a scar.

I find myself wrapped in it’s time.
In it’s space, I share a place.

It has a function that is me.
I use it for that reason.

In time,
I hope to see more.

There Is Only One Truth

In discussions, I have been exploring the notion of reality. This is not so deep as it may seem, reality just is. My belief is that reality just is, in any case. To my mind, there are not alternate versions of reality. What happens happens and what does not happen does not. And mis-constructions of what happens is due to folly or our inability to understand and process what we are sensing. Though that is quite simple, and I believe quite true, the implications of this are profound.

When you throw a rock into a pond, if the pond is initially placid and the rock is (magically) perfectly precise, the surface of the pond will ripple in a circular manner with a wave similar to a sine or cosine shape, for example. If the pond is perfectly placid every time you perfectly through the rock precisely in the same spot with all else being equal, the same thing will happen every time. It was proffered to me that because of the potential of there being many dimensions, what we see happen is not all that happens. That is simple, even if there are many, even infinite dimensions, that ripple we see will cause the same affect, within the constraints of the variable dimensions, each and every throw of the stone as well. That is simple enough, is it not? Essentially, the laws of nature are correct and absolute, regardless if we understand them in there full context. It is actually reassuring, in some sense. In another, however, it opens a whole world of doubt.

If reality is all there is, and we are a part of that reality, then we cannot do anything we are not supposed to do. We are merely functionaries of the laws of physics, biology, and such. As such, we are simply animals. Like cats, we merely show affection because we are shown affection. Like dogs, if we cannot breed it or eat it, we mark it. We give only so that we may take. We are biological robots. Free choice, then, is a complete illusion.

I do believe, in the normal spaces of our life, that last sentence is true. Most of what we do, we do because we, or someone or something else, developed us to do so. However, I believe there moments in our life where we may break with the bonds of nature and make choices beyond animal responses. We may choose to do the right thing, which often may not be in our best interest. We may also choose to do the wrong thing in order to obtain that which we desire.

If the fact is that reality is exact and true AND we have some limited free choice to do good or evil, then something has to be outside of the laws of nature to allow for that. There is no other way. Either we are functions of nature and cannot choose our path, or something outside of that has allowed us some manner free choice. Though it cannot be proved, it, like a black hole, can not only be identified, but measured to some degree (a lesser degree than the certainty of a black hole, though much more explosive in it’s nature).

I think most believe we are merely animals. Perhaps most are incapable of seeing beyond themselves. If someone sees a wealthy man, they would have his wealth, one way or another, given the opportunity. If a man sees a beautiful woman, he would have her, one way or another, given the opportunity. If people see power, they would have it, one way or another, given the opportunity. Then there are men who would not take what they did not earn and could not support or do right by. There are men who would not take advantage of a woman in need. There are men who choose not for themselves, but for a whole system of rightness. These men, today, are few. They are few enough to be inconsequential, at this point, to politics, power, business, or anything worldly. And yet, these are the men who have value to the only thing that is important. Whatever lies outside of what we see and can know, that which offers us the chance to be more than just animals, loves these men greatly. Therein lies my hope.

I must admit, I cannot be sure I am among these men. I understand my limits, I fail in flesh and I do not always try to show the light to others. I only understand that it is my goal to be among these men, at any cost. It is my goal to be selfless without self-depreciation. It is my goal to not ask for or receive that which is not mine or that which I cannot support. It is my goal to do what I believe is the will of this entity, rather than my will.

In my simple beliefs, however, I do not believe the last sentence in the last paragraph is necessary, in one way. If what I am saying is true, I will do His will either willingly or not. I will either bow to him and his will, or go against it, but in the further and ultimate truth, my will is not my own. So it comes down to whom or what I decide to lend credence to through the enactment that little bit of willfulness I can rightly claim as my own.

That is not exactly right, but I am working through it. Given some time, I might be able to get that precise and correct. Back to calculus. I have a test tomorrow, and I have to train the animal to hunt tricky numbers.

The Math.

I really do enjoy doing the problems. I cannot honestly say I am learning new things. At this point, I am taking everything I have learned about math and putting it together in a (sometimes) neat little package. There are a few new things, but mostly, I learned all of this material already. Often when I “learn” something “new”, it is just something I forgot. Though honestly, you could not keep all of this in your mind at any one time, consciously. I have come to the realization that much of what I do, I do without a thought. When or if I should stop to think about the more complicated problems, during the solution process, I probably would not be able to do them. So, how does one ever know what they really know? Testing is the only way, I suppose.

I meant to call my neighbor to see how the hunt went. I am excited in hopes that it was a good hunt. I decided to check my mail a bit ago, and thought that might also be a good time to visit and talk, but it looks like they have gone to bed. It was early, but they started their day quite early. I will post a report when I find out. As well, I will see if there are any future hunts planned. Even if I keep having difficulty, if I get one more hunt in at least, I would be a little happier I think. Well, back to math!

Into the depths of derivatives, with nary but a pen and paper.

I was supposed to go duck and goose hunting today. I slept most of yesterday, and parts of last night. I was supposed to wake up at 4:00 am. After speaking with my neighbor, I rested as I could, but just could not make the cutoff. So, I didn’t end up going. Actually, I just woke up at 4:00pm. *sigh* I really wanted to get out there too. I want a freezer full of the birds, for several reasons. First, it’s good food, in my opinion. Second, it is fun to hunt my own food. I know where it came from. But I think more, it is good to get out with “the guys” and do wholesome things, talk about life, get outdoors, and shoot. Put altogether, that is a whole ball of wax that any man who endeavors to be a gentleman could easily see as being right.

I am hoping the group goes again. With as busy as people are these days, it is difficult to know. Most of these guys are both family guys and working their way through various levels of rather involved academic pursuits, with complicated requirements associated with, yet aside from, their academic endeavors, beside their family situations. I am not sure how they do it, but it seems to be working and is neat to watch. In any case, it makes outings a bit of a rarity.

I am going to try and get some of my schoolwork reviewed. I have ten units to cover. Most of this I have mastered, in a stepwise manner. Putting it all together and testing on it is another thing. That takes concentration, awareness, and confidence. All of which have been flagging. At least I did better on the quiz than I had anticipated. Though not stellar, I did receive a 7.7 out of 10. It was very difficult because my mind could not see, and thus could not relax and “just do it”. I do not think I will be able to do more, say pick up on physics at least to help my partner in calculus study physics too, currently, so this has become it. However, I have some hope that I will be able to pull this off. I do know I know, and that is a start. I do know I am doing whatever else I can to be successful. That is not bad. I would actually like to do one test without error. On each test, that is my goal. Off to the book mine I go, pen and paper in hand.

Little time, much to do.

I have made a dozen decisions today which will be implemented over a period of months. The first decision was implemented today. I asked for the keys to my place back from my “girl friend”. She had been allowed to use my washer and drier on the proviso that she do some work around the house while she was doing her laundry. Actually, I have been paying for her cell phone, which also was supposed to be remunerated via housework. I have received nothing in the way of work done. As well, though she was welcome to my larder, should she need, she was not given free rein to just take whatever whenever. Either she has been or someone else is getting into my apartment. Neither would surprise me, so, the keys are no longer in her possession and I am making the locking of my door an art. The windows will show if they are being entered. I did it, as well, in such a manner that would not allow her to make copies before returning keys. This woman is not to be trusted. A typical feminist, she is equal until she needs, then she does whatever she wants, yet somehow convinces herself she is still equal to good men. Maybe to my eastern neighbors, where her equality is obvious (they also have no morals, so I am quite sure they believe in equality as well, and take, push, and threaten to get what they want within that type of equality). She just did not understand that friendship is a two way street, and perhaps that all she was and would ever be is a friend. Perhaps in spite of her turning down my marriage request (while I was weak and stupid) and me moving out (which, oddly, surprised her), that she no longer had relationship claims to me or mine. She knows now, however, how it works.

Beyond, I probably will not be taking physics. I think one of my commenters suggested that physics might not be the thing to advance in the lead up to an away time. Yeah, ok, I see it. Though, that isn’t the real reason. It would have been a monumental struggle against a system weighted against me. Even if I can do the material, with a great deal of struggle, I realize I will never get there. I would need to reassess my level of competency in several areas and take a few lesser courses to gain skill in certain areas, physics for sure. I am sadly behind the cue ball on this and am too tired to really fight my way through another timed course. I am running out of energy in calculus, so that even though I am getting the material, mastering it even, it is going to be a nightmare to finish well. I am exhausted, day and night, after and before sleeping, and cannot get restful sleep no matter what I do. I realize I might be able to overcome one of those obstacles, but not both. It is time to just start figuring out how to survive. The money could be put to better use on outdoor gear, the time could better be spent in the field, the energy I can maintain must be spent wisely, as something is shorting my system, leaving me with too little energy and when it goes is never certain.

I will probably getting off the internet in the next few months as well. I cannot keep my computer clean. The software I have does not seem to be up to the task (Zone Alarm Security Suite, kept up-to date, with spy-ware, anti-virus, and firewall all optimized to the best of my ability and functioning, along with MS’s firewall (they do work together, apparently)). So, I am getting out of the whole ball of wax. I can tell my machine isn’t under my control yet cannot find what has taken over or is using it. Best to know when you are licked and just get out.

That does not leave a lot of hope. And, I am not really happy about these realizations. But, as a man, I have to realize life and reality are hard and true. I need to go ‘retire’ somewhere away from this Godless place, find some peace, and just roll on until I finally, graciously, am allowed to go to the only place that will ever be home for me. In some way, this is a relief. I know I did what I could. I know that, barring anything else, I do not fit in this world.

Truth be told, I would rather die being mauled by a bear or falling out of a tree or down a mountain than to slowly eat poison handed out in Social Medicine™ Nursing Homes (coming to your community, soon). Unless, of course, they really do intend to eat the old, visa vie Soylent Green. It will probably be a quick sharp whack to the head, which seems nice and painless. Hey, if the atheists (think socialists, communists) do gain rule, and she is well on her way, simply understand that they consider us animals. If that becomes the law, long pig will no longer just be for socializing, it will be the next “What’s for dinner, ah, meatloaf surprise.” Just ask the North Korean’s for sure, probably the Vietnamese, most likely most such nation’s peoples.

Exhausted.

Well, my brain is working again. I was pretty much able to pick up yesterdays class material, in class. Do I still have trouble solving certain things, yes, but it’s the same old same old that has, is, and will beat me up every time I work on it. Oh, and it should not. I really need to sit down and think about the problem sets, do a couple dozen hundred of them, and get over it, but… Anyway, so my brain is back in my back pocket, but I am still crazy tired. I am hoping this does not mess up my class attendance, test times, and things. Also threatened is my capacity to study. I may really have gotten good at this stuff, but I have to study the new and old material, do the homework, and go over odds and ends when I can (like the above mentioned techniques, which I just have not found time or material in order to improve).

Life has become just school, again, but this time it is not 18 hour days, it is 6 hours here, 8 to 14 hours of sleep, a few hours there, a nap, etc. I still have not set out the sun lamp, but I have not had the time to set up the area by arranging my study area, and getting the lamp out, figuring out how to power it on top of the rest of my life, such as it is. I am hoping I will be able to get that done this week. I would be doing it today, but I just woke up and promised my study partner I would pick up some trees his wife purchased and deliver them. After which, we will study for the next test (next Wednesday). We have 10 units in this chapter, some of them offering rather involved techniques. I have promised Saturday to goose hunting (though I have not heard a peep about it since) and maybe a pumpkin patch hay ride thing to my lady friend. *sigh* Shoot me now? hehe Nah, it is good, just seems too busy while I am becoming less able to be active. When it rains it pours, they say.

Oh, I caught that bit about Ellen Degeneres. I still read the news, some small amount. Most of it the same as yesterday, one or two things seems interesting for this or that reason. I do agree, she seems quite sad about her situation. Is she sad about her part in the whole thing or only the egg on her face? I keep wondering, if the woman who has the dog now gets killed, but the family gets the dog back, will Ellen care? Does she realize what she has done? Does she not know she has endangered a woman’s life because she does not feel the need to obey rules? I do not know her, so I do not know. I do know that the rich and powerful often seem to care more about getting their way then about actual right or wrong. So, at a minimum, I am dubious. Even if the woman gives the dog back under threat, where is the fairness in that? Either way, the woman may never be safe because of Degeneres.

Hmmm, how does this work?

I guess I am out of touch. I would not have thought this, myself. I laugh at my reflection, if I have a reaction. This one must have been written by a 10 year old, or Ph.D.

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

I fell down, again.

Yesterday, in class, we had a quiz. I had studied. I was prepared. But I could not seem to uncross my eyes, focus, and do the work. I have mastered the material, so it was not that. I simply could not force (or coax or cajole) myself to function. As such, I could not see to answer part of the first problem and then could not tell what I was to do or if I was doing things correctly on the rest of the quiz. This is very disconcerting. I have been taking my meds (and I even drank a bucket of coffee) trying to gear up. I usually will not drink coffee (or that much for sure), but I could tell I was seriously flagging early on the morning before the quiz. After the quiz, we went over a bit of new material that is not reiterated old stuff. Honestly, it was easy material, but again, my mind could not be brought to bear on the topics at hand. In study last night, I could not solve my name! Yet, I struggled on, tried to follow my study partner’s work, used a calculator to check some basic ideas, and struggled through a few problems that way.

I am still in the intellectual dumpster. However, I was able to go over the first new group of techniques and work them out. I still have another group to cover, and I really have not mastered what I have covered. I am making many errors (minor math and algebra errors, mostly, but not limited therein). At least I can manually, without the calculator usually, find my difficulty(ies). It is still comparable to doing sprints with legs that have fallen asleep. As well, after 3 to 4 hours of study, I am needing a nap! I slept well and long last night, but I was exhausted this morning and remain so.

The weather, here, has been dark. It isn’t so much just cloudy as wintery. The threat is almost of snow or freezing rain. The sun is not out, and even should it happen to come out, it is not capable of dowsing me in happy radiation at this time of year. I suspect this is a larger part of the thing. I have decided to try a sun-lamp this year. I think now might be the time to do so since medicine and coffee aren’t touching it.

On the bright side, I have been doing what I can to get going with physics. I have ordered a load of books. I should have at least 8-10,000 problems, split across the various topics of undergraduate physics, with instruction and commentary, and divided again in levels from pre-calculus physics to engineering calculus based physics II. I stayed away from “educational books” and stuck with books that work. I have two college physics books, expensive and well worth their educational weight in saw-dust. *sigh* Hey, at least I do not have a girlfriend to hate me for the “wasted” time, “wasted money”, or anything.

I am going to trying something new this year. I ordered a half lamb (it will not be a pet;). I have really enjoyed fixing or ordering lamb meals in the last few years, but it has been an occasional item. If this works, I may be able to have it a bit more often and just begin ordering half of a not-to-be-pet lamb a year. I went with heart, leg roasts, other roast, chops, stew meat, and some ground meat. I’ll have to let you know how that works out. But this and the first shipment of physics books (arriving today, if the tracking system is correct) are keeping me from becoming too glum in spite of having fallen down again. And, I have some hope that I may be able to recover in time for the next test, in a week and a day. I guess it is good to know that there really is not a lot I can do about my condition. When I am not only moving forward but following the doctors orders and wholly trying and I still fall hard, I understand more fully my actual situation. It just reaffirms that it is not up to me, which if freeing is frustrating. And, it's more challenging! Ok, some challenges stink. This is one of them. But I am trying to be positive here.

Ok, so some days are not so great.

But some days are! I get into funks where I see the world as ending, everybody is against me (they are, but that is another issue:), and I have fears, doubts, and weakness. Goody, I am human. I really try not to spill that over, but as I think of things, sometimes I cannot stop them from rolling out. This, in truth, I regret. Even in these darkest of moments, I yet have faith, hope, and charity, even if these are not in evidence. And I would rather find a way to share these traits then my dark cloud.

Do I have certain fears, or taken from the emotional to the rational, realizations of serious potentials for doom? Yes, I see some things coming, already happening, and things that might be which are unnerving at best. But too I see hope for this world even in this world. I see people gift themselves, and their whole lives sometimes, to doing what they see is right. I see people killing and dying for goodness. And I see a whole world busy about life, delivering the beauty that is inherent in this very complex dance. A child born there, a marriage here, a graduation there, and little successes in people’s lives which allow them, and in a vicarious manner myself, to go on.

In other words, I survived my last snit with nary but a passing doubt toward hope. Yet, through the power of my words and emotions, I can and do harm others. This is not my intent. I suppose it is how I cry. I should say, it is another form of tears for me. I do cry, the big tears as Homer’s Iliad might say. Salty, bitter, bitter-sweet, and joyous droplets of life’s power roll down my cheeks. And, these I enjoy as an expression of my precious gift of life, love, loss, and ultimate hope. Yet there is a time for tears of all kinds, and a time to know when a crying room might be most proper. In the last post, I did not use the most appropriate venue for expressing my pain.

After my last post, I decided to rectify that harm with, hopefully, this gift of words. I wished to give people a hug, a rung on their ladder, a warmth, and really, love. Wherever you are, whatever your situation, find someone to leave warm and fuzzy in a true way. Do it often and any doubts or fears, unmet hungers and wants, anger, and hate fade into hope, faith, and charity. It might amaze you, but doing this will take care of all the rest. Blessings and kind thoughts.

Dreadful Notions

In the last week or two, I have been having a difficult time. Math is going fine, and I’m trying to dig into physics, which is fine I suppose. Yet, I get this feeling that time is slipping away. It isn’t the usual aging thing. I simply fear that change, harsh change, is in the air. I cannot put my finger on it, though there are things that come to mind. I just feel that something big is about to happen. As well, I have a feeling that the docile world scenery is not as it seems. Something down deep, underneath all the typical chaos of life, politics, and such as we understand it here in America is terribly wrong. No, it’s not the “Bush = Hitler” garbage. It is a giving out, giving in, or realization of an unfixable problem, a huge one. Every politician and wealthy “citizen” knows or feels it. They might even have some clues about what it means or how it will all come down. It’s a race against a clock that cannot be won. For some reason, it causes me sadness. Ah, perhaps I am merely slightly depressed. It is also not global cooling, warming, change, cooling, toxins, pollutants, etc. If that were even half close to true, Gore, Britain’s Royal (pain) Prince, and others would not be such CO2 pigs. As well, Kyoto would not have recommended taking CO2 producing plants out of the rich nations (where they are extremely tightly monitored) and sending them to nations where they aren’t monitored, while just allowing the fastest rising industrial nations to remain unaffected by constraints. Those two things tell me that the notion is fiction. But something has them going. Are they dancing on their graves? I don’t think that either, they are having way too much fun. Well, it’ll come to me (a bit too late, perhaps).

I am becoming tired again. Yes, the two might correlate, might not. It doesn’t always happen that way. I am back on medication, as well as a busy bachelor can follow a regimen. After speaking with my neighbor, it looks like geese season will begin the 20th, and I believe I will be going. Hopefully we will get a chance to target practice a time or two before then. On another note, he has brought up the idea of walking/hiking early in the morning a few times a week, three is his goal. Swimming would also be a thought, however, I have found it difficult to find reliable swimming times, especially early in the morning. Still, hiking for an hour could be fun, with some company. I need to get some exercise in, and I’ve always enjoyed the company of good people.

I have little else to say. I hope you find life simpler and less doubtful. I hope, in your doubts, you find succor. Should you not see the firsts and lack the second, I hope you can at least look inside yourself and find hope. Somedays that is all I seem to be, a walking bundle of hope with nothing of flesh. Still, it is enough. And, often in the tomorrows of those somedays, I laugh well and happily.

A Week in the Life (give or take). Update

Wow, what a week. After studying like a maniac, then doing the homework several times, with extra problems for variety, we took our first test in engineering calculus III. I initially felt I had done well. Which is not usually a good sign. Still, it was nearly a week before I was able to look at the thing. So, I relaxed with the, perhaps mistaken, good feeling. Then, as the day was approaching, I started to have pangs of doubt. Worry crept in, ever so slightly, and those things increased until the Monday showing. Well, the results depend on how you consider things, I suppose. I must admit to being a bit disappointed. I must also admit to having high expectations. I received a raw 87.5%. My mistakes were all numerical (except one in which I did not complete the formula (though not from lack of knowing it! Arghhhh!)).

How do I feel though? First, do feelings matter regarding any matter? Maybe. Back to it though. I feel ok, but it means I have work to do. I really mean to crack this back into shape. Studying physics won’t help me integrate but it might assist in keeping numerical problems at bay. It might expand my capacity to review problems, problem solve, and it will certainly help me later. The trick to is stay on course, do a little more review, and keep balanced so I do not slip into lethargy and sloth (don’t look at my apartment!). The time I am spending on this material has cut everything else out of my life. Then again, before I started this up again, I didn’t have a life. That last makes me stop and think though, is this the way? I think my answer is, yes, temporarily. I think once I crack it back into full shape and maintain a functional ability, I should be able to back off a bit. Then it will just be homework, some study, and physics. Then I should be able to bring a few other things back on line.

Ah, but the church. I have lagged. I still haven’t been to confession (and yes, it is vital to me in my path). I am a part of a church group, and we started our group up again after a summer break. That has lit a fire, so I’m trying to figure out how to get that confession done. I have such a problem going Saturdays (our church’s usual time), but do well when I make an appointment. This bothers my conscience, as I feel I should go Saturdays. I suspect I will end up talking about this with the Father this next time. In any case, I feel the need to get in and get that going again. It has parallels with not eating right or doing something else that eventually wears one down. Now that I’m in the church, in my way, I miss it dearly when I lapse. Guilt, yes, but not in the traditional or often accepted or expected manner. My guilt is based upon disappointing perfection, not fearing retribution. And, for me, it’s a good thing within healthy bounds.

Hmmm, what else. Not much else going on. Though, I did order a trig/precalc study system to go back over some of that, when I have time. Is that a different thing though? And I am considering ordering Algebra II (and maybe I) to crack back into hardcore fundamentals again. But again, is that new?

I’ve been tossing out prayers for various of you, from time to time, randomly. Though I do not always attend church, the Lord and you are on my mind from time to time, and sometimes it’s at the same time is all.

Oh, one new possible topic has popped up. In my church group I became associated with a retreat. It’s a yearly gathering. Men have one gathering and women another. On the retreat we study in a directed manner. Up early, work all day in workshops and events through the evening, then a mid-evening bed-time. In the workshops, we discuss many topics. These topics are often based upon the witnesses of members of our group. I had been thinking about witnessing, not next, but the next next time. However, there may be a need to have me witness. I am very unsure about this, especially for a March timetable. There are things I could say that would blister the ears of a priest, psychologist, and other trained professional (trust me), so what I can do to normals is almost unnatural (just my life stories). I am going to have to be very careful. I put the price at having people help me filter. My filters are shot. Even if I am not profane, I have seen too much. Anyway, that is a new thing that isn’t college related, even if it is troubling to me.

Well, I must go. I need to kick down a bit in order to sleep and rise for a review of this last set of material, and ordering of my newer notes, a prep for the quiz Monday, and a call to my priest. Be well.

Update: I tried to get this out earlier this week, however, I was having some sort of difficulty with Blogger, account sign in, and such, and calculus has heated up. I have a handle on calculus again, and am digging into physics, so I thought I’d take some more time to figure this out. Not much has happened between then and now. No goose hunting, not much to life at the moment except math.

Yada, yada, and such.

Ok, here is the deal... First, I became a bit ill. I had a downturn and was just not doing a thing. Then my I found a trojan on my computer, tried to fix it, ended up having to wipe everything. I'm in the process of changing passwords, etc, now. Then, I did go ahead and begin engineering calculus III. After a four year lag, it's been tight. I've spent weeks doing 15 to 18 hour days of nothing but calculus review, meals, and homework. I took the first test today, over two chapters. I think I did well, but only Monday will tell. The rest of our tests will be over single chapters, so this one was heavy.

So, am I back? Perhaps not as prolifically as before, but yes. I will write what and when I can. I would like to get back to my story too, but... we will see. In real life, all of my classes are 4 years old. Which means if I wish to take physics for engineers II next term, then I will want to begin cracking my physics book a bit. These are books that bite, so I am not sure how much time I will have.

Now, I am at least caught up with the rest of the class at this point, in calculus. Yet, I do need to go over integrations another time or two and smooth that out just a bit more. And, as I said, begin looking at physics.

Oh, I have had one little bit of fun. I went duck hunting last Saturday. No, your intrepid Elmber Fudd did not get a duck (or a wabbit). But, I did get a couple of shots off and had fun with a couple of guys. Nothing like killing things to foment male bonding. Well, trying to kills things counts too, I think. Our guide did get a duck (which we grilled and ate, quickly... nummy!). I am hoping to go out again, soon. The weather was too good for the ducks to be active. Hoping for storms during the right times here, wish me luck if you will. I'll email you a "duck". lol

Well, there you go. In a nutshell, mostly.

On another note, the guy I study with is, essentially, an engineer at the moment. He is heavy into the programming component yet integrated enough into the electrical that he is an ee. He is going to school as his promotions have stopped and he believes (and rightly so) he should be able to go on. Anyway, from talking to him, I think I might actually be able to get into engineering. It is certainly possible. And, with some allowance to work at home 2 to 4 days of the week (a bit negotiable), I think I can honestly make it into that field. I'm a bit excited about that. Well, ok, from talking to him, his thoughts on the topic, and my understandings, this 'seems true' to me.

Well, I'm off. I am thinking about popping a top or two, but first I will need to get to the store. A proper store, as I'm going with Spaten tonight. I am taking a two day pseudo vacation, working on integrals for only 3 to 4 hours the next few days until I get back to it Saturday again. Have a good week/weekend.

Sometimes to get something right, one needs to do nothing but say it.

You Are 10% Feminist

You are definitely not a feminist. In fact, you are every feminist's worst nightmare. You believe that women belong in the kitchen.... barefoot and pregnant.

Are You a Feminist?

Oddly, I received 10% feminist. Odd, I say, because nothing I put in could be construed as popularly feminist. I must assume, as with the typical multi-cultural and anti-logic crowd, they are trying to be inclusive with even this. Apparently you may not opt out of their world view. Oh, are not the kittens cute though?

Is the world my oyster?

I contemplate, calculate, derive, and wonder. The answer to the question, or at least the questions arrived at through that question complicate my day on more than one day of each week. Certainly I am not poor. Yet, I am neither rich nor secure. I am rarely hungry, that an affect of short term poor choices or just a simple negligence of tending the matter. I am not sickly, my body is powerful, my mind is very good, my will is absolute. I live by my rules, acknowledging those other rules obtained through the filters of law and morality. Beyond, I live safely, comfortable, and easily within those and yet understand both that I may stray from either of those singly or in combine and there are means of doing so both purposefully and in moments of weakness. Yet the question remains.

As I have said, the question remains. It does not remain untended. The world is only my oyster should I decide to be a consumer. This, as I have written, leads to the next level of thought and to the questions which, by necessity, follow. The world is for my pleasurable consumption should my needs and hungers dictated, then and then only. The price for this is that I too am a consumable. As I feed so must I nourish. Therefore, I pick my hungers carefully, tend to their needs and then some, yet maintain my thirsts so as not to fall pray to an inordinate cost.

I do not know if that makes me a wise man. I do not believe this will enhance or detract from my longevity. I do know that, as when a child and desiring to color within the lines for my own purposes, I find a fullness of life I could find in no other manner. I know too, others see it. This last is of no importance, so long as the prior holds. For an example of this style of living, re-read this text.

A day in the ever.

In spite of schedule difficulties, my health is finally in check. Even without being on my medication exactly right and the sugar, my check-up yesterday was excellent. My blood pressure was 128/89. Some might still put that at slightly high, but that is as close to regular as I have had it in many years, except perhaps once. That time was unsustainable however. The medicines absolutely wiped me out, and sleep requirements alone made the medicinal regimen untenable. The medical staff and myself where quite pleased. I suggested to the nurse (my usual nurse) that I probably deserved something for this and she agreed. I let my doctor know that I had been treated properly, to a rootbeer lollipop. Well, I had been good, sort of, mostly…

I have some plans for today, but I am not sure I will be able to carry them through. Nothing big, just important. This is the beginning of a realization of a day schedule and I am still a bit slow in the mornings. It is early and I am trying to figure out what it takes to drop ship my bottom to action, as always anyway though.

I have started computer gaming again, after six months to a year of not playing almost at all (minus the word game, which I now have a 52.7 million high score). It is something to do that costs nothing, is less compulsive than continually checking news and (mostly empty of late) blogs. Plus, it keeps me busy enough that I do not remember about my pipe (which I have cut to three times a day, maybe less in time, maybe not). There is not much else going on in my life.

I know my mother is arriving in a week and a half, give or take, and papers for school should be arriving soon, but most real things are future episodes. Oh, foot doctor later this month, which will be nice. As I have tried to become more active (actually have, just in a much more or a good bit more way), my feet have started to absolutely kill me. One thing at a time, I suppose. Might as well get that taken care of as soon as possible. Feet are more important than one likes to know. Eyes, sure, ears, of course, etc… but few think of feet… until they are a torture. They must have been killing me for years, I was just too out of it to know. They probably helped keep me down too. What is it, something about fixing one leak only to have a dozen more pop up after too long a wait? Yeah, ok. But I did what and when I could, so it just is. All in all, though, things are sailing along as smoothly for this re-commissioned out-of-mothball ship as can be expected. Toot-toot Toot-tooooooooooooot

Holy shishkebab, now I know why I have been lame about leaving the cave!

I did finally get going. I showered, dressed, and rolled out like a champ. I planned my needs, packed, and partially loaded the X. I went to each store on my list, purchased each item needed and then a few extras. I came home and began making a few things and realized, there is no way I am camping out tonight. The temp says 87 F as of a few minutes ago, at 17:20. Not blazing, but just not comfy. So, I call up my friend and explain the deal. Well, how about a campfire and just pay the fee if required? Yeah, I suppose that is manageable. So, part of the gig is still on.

Yeah, ok, I guess I have been hard on myself. Getting out in 90+ F weather just for kicks is not my thing. Oh, I had also been drinking a bit (lot) more sugar, with my iced teas. Being sugar problematic, that probably was not the wisest thing. It started slowly and innocently enough, however, that I just let go of watching it. Life has been better the last few days, regular hours, more active, a cleaner cave, yet the heat does keep me down a bit. The funny thing is, for July in Iowa, this is cool weather. We should be in the 100’s. I have seen 111 F days, for sure, maybe hotter. Add high humidity and, well, that is Iowa in summer. Wow, global warming has won a friend here! (do not attempt to make that into a logical statement from the given data for debate, you cannot be that ignorant, foolish, stupid, or bored (unless you work for the government or colleges, then go ahead))

I suppose I should finish a few things up and pack it on out. Ah, the menu you ask? Why fresh buns, spinach pesto hummus, fresh sour cream cole slaw, iced mint tea, delmonico (eye of chuck) steaks (her favorite, or beef rib on the bone), and some dessert she is supposed to bring. Oh, I am packing in a couple of fine apples should the bread and hummus not be satisfactory as a refreshing or cooling hors d’œuvre as I had anticipated. Well, I best get to it. Oh, I was almost freaked when I finally made it home. I had women darn neared pawing me today. Some I might have liked, some not. What is going on their? Dang.

I have been talked into it.

I will be going camping tonight, solo. I had been talking to a friend about this and that, regarding camping and hiking, and I should have seen it coming. My friend found a place that would be exactly what I had wanted. No information about hiking was to be had, however, the trails exist, it would be up to me to figure that out. Then, I am given a suggested date. Oh, wonderful! All I have to do is get in gear to go in a day and a half and figure it all out myself. No, indeed, I am informed. Here is the registration form.

I am laughing, as this is exactly what my intent was. It is funny to me because the plans one makes are sometimes just that, in some ways. And, yet, I am going. I set a trap for myself some time ago, and it sprung on me quite well, better yet it sprang when I was unprepared and disinterested. Perfect!

And, to be honest, it is not exactly a huge effort. Now that my gear is, essentially, at the ready, this will never be a complicated task again. Well, so long as the Q.O.D. is not disturbing the water with her chaos, slowness, and weakness. She sometimes takes forever to decide, get ready, move her gear, or beg me to do those things. The worst is when she wants me to choose merely to disagree. It used to work for her, now, not so much. If she says go left after she asked me to decide and I planned on going forward, I go forward. I figure she can walk when we get where I am going. Besides, the walk back to where she wants to go would be good for her big butt, I add. No rules in warfare, I add, should she protest. Oddly, she seems quite happy with that. hehehe Me too. Well, ok, there are times when she gets babied.

Anyway, a couple of delmonico steaks, a few ears of corn if the seller is out today, cole slaw, and perhaps some mint tea. I have asked my friend to bring desert if she decides to show up for the meal. I am planning on a European type of milk-yogurt (cannot remember what it is called, exactly) and granola for breakfast. I might even stay two nights, but it depends on how much I am able to explore and find out about the trails, the weather, and maybe some other things. I should probably take a can of tuna, my last mre, a couple of fresh baked buns, and a couple of gallons of water to be sure. I would hate to have to come back into town. It sort of ruins the effect. Well, I am off… to a very slow start. Oh well, I have 5 hours before I actually want to be there. But I have some things to buy and make, so, again, I am sprinting to it like a turtle. Again, I am off.

God. God? God!

I have been thinking about what God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, or to me the trinity, means. It is not an easy concern to contemplate. Answers come to mind immediately, some need sorting out, some do not. Some of the things that have been sorted are finely nuanced, others are bold, true, fact, to my mind. This is not a topic that is ever far from my mind and heart, yet it is rarely put all together in a single moment, or in this case, essay. I had wanted this to be done Sunday, as it came together in a final collection that day, yet I could not write, so it happens today.

God, the father, the creator, the divine man-being, has been on my mind the longest. Before I understood about the Son, I looked to the Father. I suppose, not having had a father in my formative years, I wanted to know what a father is or should be. I have the vision of the kindliness of a Santa Clause face, the physique of Zeus, and the power of all things. That has not changed much, yet who He is to me has changed, as it should be. From the simpler idea of a father, He has morphed more into a lord, the Lord.

I do see him as all powerful, however, I see, too, wisdom, justice, grace, love, and other attributes within which He confines Himself. This confinement might also be called wisdom or maturity. As a human father can do much a child cannot, yet restrains that power, hopefully, to righteous actions, words, and thoughts, so too does the Father restrain His power. He watches and knows, He sees and allows. We need to grow and in order to do that, we must make mistakes and attempt to learn and change and finally grow. The hope or wish He has is that we grow toward Him, I believe. The Father does not judge us. This was never His, He decided His Son would take this action, in a way. He simply decided, it was so, and we are. In a way, it is as He IS.

The Holy Spirit has been the most elusive Nature for me to comprehend. What is something that seems to be nothing? Is He a riddle or an answer? Finally, I have come to see him as simply the Spirit of God, literally. At least in form. He is what God, should he have been a normal man, hopes for, dreams of, wishes, and wants. As God, however, He moves mountain and earth through us in faith, He lives in our bodies and minds, He compels and rejects through us and all things flesh. To some extent, we are His embodiment. Perhaps more accurately, we and all flesh are open to His will.

As for what He means to us, this is a trifling more complicated. In baptism, He graces us and inducts us to God. He cleanses us and prepares us for our growing here, with God, through God, by God, and with the chance that God may live in us. He seems to have a great deal to do with fire. In baptism, though our priest might perform the ceremony, it is He who baptizes by fire. When we are set to enter heaven, it will be he who, once again, cleanses us with fire. As well, when hell is discussed as a burning lake in which Satan, perhaps the other fallen angels, and certain others will be cast, I have a suspicion that it will be a containment by the Holy Spirit rather than a place, planet, or plane unto itself. Hell will be a separation from God maintained by the Holy Spirit. As well, the bible discusses Christ always being cloaked, essentially, by the Holy Spirit. I think this is what is necessary now that Christ has risen to perfection. He, as the Father, may no longer come into contact with sin. Beyond these things, the Holy Spirit is the giver of divine gifts. From Charity, faith, hope, to speaking in tongues, the Holy Spirit offers these. Finally, I believe the Holy Spirit is what links the Father, the Son, the world around us, and we ourselves to both the Trinity and each other. No small tasks, no minor aspect, God indeed.

The Holy Spirit is still and always will remain, should my breath continue, a mystery. It is interesting to note, the one sin which is unforgivable is to sin against the Holy Spirit. Considering what I believe about the Him, this is a complicated thought. I can only imagine what actions might be construed as unforgivable, yet I think if I saw them, and I believe I have, that I know. I think those who have murdered their own nature of love are the strongest candidates, when they share this or enforce this, they become true kings of fools.

Jesus Christ has been, for me, much more simply understood. I believe this was meant to be. He came because we did not understand the written word. The Father saw that we were blind to the Holy Spirit, moving among us, and saw that we could and often did choose to be blind. He sent His Son to be a brother and absolute guide. He left no doubt in any who saw. Many turned away, many refused to believe, but more accepted. Simply understanding is not enough, however. Following is much more difficult. Accepting his simple grant of forgiveness is what took me the longest to manage. It is still a test, it is a heavy cross.

What Jesus Christ brought to us was a final chance at redemption and life. The laws had not failed, we had failed to abide the spirit of them. Christ fulfilled those laws, and set them straight. He spoke to us as brothers, men, sisters, or more, his family. I still think we miss much of the point. Yet, those who choose to abide as best they can, to surrender to God as they are able, and follow his tenets will find themselves where they should be. Many, however, are on the staircase to heaven with pockets full of fools gold. He is Love, yet make no mistake, He is also our Judge. He will arbitrate our very long life with or without God. He is our savior, our defense lawyer, our judge, and our prosecutor. These last three, however, I think are slightly incorrect, if not in action then in the performance of those actions.

I feel the need for a clarification. Does a prosecutor or judge, if honest in their performance and true to law and the spirit of law, that being justice, ever actually condemn a man? Does an honest defense attorney truly attempt to thwart justice? Does a father who scolds a child do so for his own actualized benefit? Does anyone but the accused and if guilty, pronounce their verdict by their actions? My answer is no. As it is in the flesh, in this manner, so to is it in heaven. Should one choose sin and not have remorse, if one cannot ask or give forgiveness, how can one wonder that he cannot be in fullness with a perfect God in the trinity? I think those who do not enter heaven will know this, themselves, when selfishness, greed, and lies are no longer available in which to hide.

I see Jesus Christ as the perfect brother. He is strong, wise, healthy, hale, and giving to his life and more. He lived with us, in flesh, with our desires, wants, limitations, and understandings. He also lived with choices. He had to choose, and chose perfectly, consistently, perpetually. I, too, see him now as a lord, as the Lord.

This is some part of what I think, some of what I feel, yet I could never write in such a manner as to encompass all. I felt the need to write this out, it has been on my mind, and it seemed to want to be written. No, not prophetic, simple praise I believe. A simple public acknowledgment.

Time is an odd device, it plays me a fool of late.

I have not been busy, nor have I been doing a thing or groups of things at all. I just am. I have several things in my mind, thoughts which I would enjoy forming into essays. I have activities I would like to do. Yet nothing is happening. Sleep is still off, the wrong times, too little, occasionally too much. Life is not bad in spite of that, as when I am awake, I am fully conscious, memory is good, and I can still get things done, necessary things like appointments, food prep, enough dishes and cleaning that I am not naked or eating with my fingers. Still, there is something elementally absent from my existence. I am empty, hollow, shallow in the ways of the flesh. It is at these times that I suspect when I died, not everything came back. I am just renting this apartment of flesh, yet some times, no one is home. I, myself, am just in the area and know where the apartment is should I need to rest, use the facilities, or such, but I am not staying there. Well, at least I am at peace with this now. Accidental transcendentalism is not all it is cracked up to be.

Oh, on the plus side, I had my first fresh bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich. It was worthy of the wait, as always. Thick cut bacon, bakery bread (yea, I know, I wanted it to be my bread, but this did well), a fresh tomato from my neighbor’s plant (with approval), and a nice glass of iced water. This, indeed, is one of the simpler things. And, by it’s nature, only happens once a year.