Ah-ha!

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There is your problem right there, suggested my smart and wise consciousness. With daylight savings having been set back, Mass and my watch were simply incongruent. I have reset my clocks and watch now. That should help. I didn't find out until I called the lawyer's office. I asked if he was supposed to call me or if I was to call, when told he was not in the office. I said that he was supposed to call at 13:30, but that it was nearly 14:00, and that... The assistant stopped me right there though and told me it was only five before 13:00 "here". Hmm, I'm here I thought for a second. Jean told me, too! She warned us and I simply forgot to follow up on that. No problems, it'll all work out.

I have been thinking about past relationships with women, and crossing the sex line. I still don't have it exactly down, but I think my new take is a bit more certain. You can, and will, as a man, be feminine sometimes. I am not talking gay, I am merely saying that you WILL have feminine traits appear. And, no, women don't like that. They are just as piggish about roles and such as any man, maybe more so. If too they like to venture into the man-world more than men ever like to go into their realm. Anyway, never worry about it. You can do that, and usually scott free if you do it boldly, and heck, enjoy it. What you DON'T want to do is to be too sexy in the wrong way, or more, steal her sexual thunder. This is what she will not tolerate, what will make her hot under the collar. And if you are going to be sexy, bring her into it, make her a part of it, or don't do it. Depending on what you have going. That is more closely aligned with how I understand things.

On another topic, with dreams of war all around, I have been considering things. While it is true that I do not have a solid set of memories from the service, I am pretty sure I never saw combat, not in any official sense. However, I was a warrior my whole life. I was never a general, a grunt, special forces, or an officer in the U.S. military. As my health improves, my ability to see things more clearly comes into play. What I have done is been at war since a very young age. I was a grunt, on those front lines. I was an officer, in that I dealt with adults as such. I was a general in that, once my boots were on the ground in a new area, I began making plans for dealing with whoever might be shown to be a threat. And I was special forces in that I was always operating in enemy territory. There was no way out for me, no where to flee, no safe haven. I was and am all there is, for me. That is the truth of it. I was never at war but I was never at peace, either. That remains. I have known more war than most any soldier. The rest... it was just a means of making sense of all of my life. Putting things into words others could understand, including myself. I have only lost everything, over and over, and been sent back in to do it again. Perhaps, by buying a home and settling in, I might find rest, peace, security, safety, and begin building a life, finally. We will see.

Well, on to other things. I will do what I may today. Lots of big and little things remain. Oh, and one more clock to set. Yeah, and those dishes. I think I can get those kicked out before the call. Afterward I need to get the paperwork to the post office and send it out today. What I will do after that, I can't be sure. I might just check on my friend. Shooting, shopping, or even a meal. Getting him and myself out, again.

Good day.

What in the world?

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I showered, dressed, and headed out. I had the packet to send and (I thought but wrongly) the police report regarding the accident and was headed to Mass to be there just in time. Some days I simply can't push fast enough to be to Mass early it seems. Anyway, I made it to Church with about five minutes to spare. I walked up and... the door was locked, again. *shrug* I can only do what I can do. I will eventually get this straightened out.

My water pills are working though, and after looking through the paperwork, I realized I didn't have the police report. So, when Church was a bust, I headed back home to pick up the report, void, and I am also quite thirsty. I also found the case file, the adjuster's name and number, the adjuster who is doing the final settlement, and wrote these on the police report. Now I can take off the tie, put on a more comfortable shirt, drink a glass or two of fluids, and... figure out what to do next. I have an hour until the call but I don't want to be on the road or otherwise out and about when the call comes, so I will just wait. My guess is my mother is on the road, being a Monday and sort of knowing her schedule. There is no need to call her for the sheriff's number at this point. Hmm, dishes could be washed. Yes indeed. It has sort of become a puzzle, figuring out what can be done with this time slot, or being in town, or whatever. Fun! Really, it is sort of fun.

Anyway, it looks like I am off to a decent start of a new week. I hope your week isn't a full on Monday blues. If it is, ignore it and just do. That's what I am doing, and I started before I could ponder it. That might be the trick, when I am healthy. Later.

I was worried because of the end of last week and the weekend.

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Was the ride over? Would I be too tired Monday to get up. Well, it is Monday, so what is the verdict?

I don't know. I don't even know if I am tired. And yet it doesn't matter. I have a ton of things to do, it took a bit longer to get out of bed than usual so I am already running late. I have done my morning routine. I just need to shower, clean up, and head out. But... I am not quite awake enough to know where I might be going or what I might be doing, so blindly jumping might end up taking up more time running around than it is worth. No, a little wake up time, a consideration of tasks, and then the formation of a plan will be how today goes. In other words, I think I am doing just fine. I won't promise to get everything done, or do it perfectly. I just think I will get done what is possible to do and go from there. I don't know and it doesn't matter, at this point, if I am tired. It is apparent that I am not too tired.

Hmm, what is on today's list? Writing a letter, figuring how to print and send that, sending off the tax packet after adding my routing number, calling the BCI agent, contacting my previous sheriff, speaking with the lawyer, Mass... I don't know what else, but I think I will concentrate on these things. Now, in what order? I'll think about it as I awaken.

Odd dreams lately. Some would think them heavily into the dark side but most don't understand. Dreaming of war and some of the intrigue surrounding it is not always a dark thing, for me. War has been, at times, a place where men have graced the notion that we are God's children. More so than any cathedral or church, it is in dark times when hope is tested, faith may not (seem to) attend your needs, charity is at a premium, when men will find out just exactly who they are. When men must become course and calloused, when even survival cannot be assured, when all seems lost, it is in these times that men may rise to truly be all we ever can be, and to lay down our lives for our brothers, or have to swallow those sacrifices. It is not all darkness, it is just powerful. And most people do not prefer to be tested, not with those stakes. My dreams have been like this lately. And, yeah, there have been times of tears. I'm such a sentimental old fool when it comes to such things. But don't poison the fish heads for my soup! (Never mind, inside joke.)

Ah, but isn't she versatile? She sure brings back memories. As does Judas Priest, in a way.



Well, time to get on it. First, a bit of news, then the blog line-up, then just a bit of simple gaming, then... Perhaps looking over the list and ordering it. Get to it folks, daylight is burning. Good day, pilgrim.

Why is it?

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It's trash night. All I have to do is clean the litter, empty a few little containers into the big... etc. It isn't a lot of work. Here I am, at midnight, realizing I am just too tired to mess with it. I've actually stayed up hoping I would get it done. Now, since I am up late, the morning is going to be tough and I still have to get it all out. I just couldn't bust through. Bah!

Oh, I think I have found the perfect Christmas gift for my lady friend. She has no capacity to hand a computer. She simply can't afford a cable connection. Which means she can't have wi-fi either. Still, she can stop at many places, in the little metro where she lives, or if she should travel, and find free wi-fi. My Mom? My brother and family will get a card, same with most others. My local friend might end up with either several sets of warm undershirts/long johns or a phone on my connection. His phone sucks. I'm think on that.

What do I want for Christmas? Longer battery life! Mine seems to be on the fritz most of the time. Just a little more dependable juice.

Good night.

Ah, finally!

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I could send the tax forms and copies of various purchase pages as is. I will make one addition, though, adding my routing number to have the check deposited right to my account. That should save some time, and possibly significant time. From the time they adjudicate the amount to the time it takes to send that to the printer, print the check, put that check in a letter, and send it, given how fast government workers have a reputation for working... wait! break time!... No, direct deposit works best. I wasn't sure I was going to get through it. The instructions are akin to reading what a bunch of seven year old children can devise for calculus. They don't know what they are talking about, or how to write what they do know very well. I still expect them to either reject the claim or worse, perhaps not even letting me know. Government workers have a very bad reputation. Still, I have done my part and it is going in tomorrow. I even found the address where the package needs to go. Not even that was easy, particularly, as it is based on any of a number of regions, and whether you are sending a check, and sometimes date of the return dependent.

Oh, tomorrow is looking too big. I need to send this, talk to the lawyer, contact the cwp agent, get a letter written for my mother and get that sent, contact a sheriff, and... some other stuff. I had hoped to go to Mass, but the lawyer's secretary had a 13:30 slot open for the lawyer to call. Hmm, no, maybe I can still make Mass. Oh, I ought to put confession into my calender too. That is an easy thing to forget, or at least lose track.

I feel MUCH better finally having, with some surety, the home credit forms filled and ready to send. It has been almost a year and a half. Time flies when you are half dead. I have been thinking of all the things I could do. I could put a large payment against my home, auto, or clean up a bunch of minor bills. I could, also, simply spend it. Yummy! I am strongly leaning on paying off my auto. This would almost do it. That would free up somewhere in the neighborhood of $550 a month. That would pay off most of my minor bills, along with the high amounts I am already paying, in about one and an half years. That would free up, say, another $400 to $500. Leaving me almost a thousand extra a month, much of which would go as extra toward the house, say $600 extra on the house, $300 extra to get in trouble with. Yes, something like that. Just dreaming here. Actually, my bills would be lower by then. I bet it would only take, say, a year to be done with all of the outlying bills. Hmm. Of course, paying off the X would require both this and a real settlement from the insurance company. I can't wait to talk to the lawyer about it, to see what he thinks I should expect.

Sam sure is bossy. If I haven't given her enough attention, she hops up, pushes her head between my hands as I try to type, and simply lets me know it is time. Sassy is more vocal. *Meow*... *meow, meow*... *MEOWWW* *trill* *meow?* Ugh but she can be annoying. Both of them. That is half of the reason I enjoy them though. They make every effort to not allow me to sit idly by while they are hungry and want some attention. I sure like my girls.

Good night.

Another rough day.

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I keep working with the heat. The actual temperature is high, higher than I generally like it and yet I am still cold. Showers don't help and I am wearing two layers of clothing and thick wool socks. I think when I am tired I also feel cold. Yeah, it must be my heart. While it is in bad shape, sometimes it works better, sometimes worse. Either that or my body needs or wants more than it can get, so goes on strike from time to time. Thus is explained bipolar. Well, that and when I get a window of opportunity I take it for all it is worth, knowing when it passes it may be some time before I can get to things again.

I am not yet sure if warming my body enough will actually help me function. I know to a minor degree it does, but in a major real way? Of course, the last few days, I simply haven't been able to get warm. I have even pushed the furnace to push the temperature to 78 F. Hot showers don't work either, when I get out my felt comfort zone plunges and I have to work at getting warm again.

I have been working on the tax forms. It has been slow going. The IRS certainly doesn't make it easy, and I am doing a simple tax return form. Then I have to do an addendum form. They seem to write whatever they want, vaguely, occasionally, defining what they mean. I haven't filled one of these out in 25 years or more. It doesn't help. If it were for a few hundred dollars I wouldn't even bother. I can't believe there hasn't been a revolt, just on tax code alone. Not my problem, usually. I guess Americans truly have become peasants, following unclear orders, doing what they are told, and simply accepting whatever is given to them, as a group. The tax code is so convoluted that they could probably arrest anyone on tax violations, with just a minimum of looking, considering how loose the definitions are and how vaguely they are explained. That is how communists and socialists always worked things. It gave the dear leaders and the apparatchik the leverage to do whatever and shut up anyone who disagrees. Ugly.

I can't seem to get anything else going. I might not even finish the paperwork. Tired. Beat. Cold. I'll still do my routine. I'll still keep the other things on my mind and get to them the first chance I get. But for now, not much will happen. At least it is a weekend. I don't have things on my list I can get to. So, for now, it is okay. Tomorrow, though, I have a dozen things to do. Rounding up the last of my personal references, writing a letter for my mother to consider, discussing things with the agent regarding the cwp, talking with the lawyer regarding the accident, and perhaps Mass. Those are hoped for, but what I have going this week. Well, and finishing the paperwork to file for a credit.

On top of that, I need to get caught back up with my home. I want to stay on top of it this time, not having to do a major job later on. Oh, but I am pleased how things are going. I want more, but this is as much as I could possibly do. I want to do many more, bigger, heavier, harder things. But let me stay with these baby steps. Let me prove that I can do these, then consider something more. I think I can get there. Good day. Perhaps even good night.

A true day off.

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I didn't set an alarm, I didn't get up when I could have, I slept until I woke naturally. It was wonderful. I do have to change the kitty litter and take the trash and recycling out, I would like to do dishes and some laundry, and I probably will do those last, but at a leisurely pace. Oh, and I want to look over those tax forms and have those ready to send Monday. I did call my mother, and put forth my proposal regarding her involvement with me clearing my record so as to obtain a concealed weapons permit. She is on-board, and a little unhappy with the V.A. herself. She has done her own research and come to realize just what a piss poor job the V.A. has done for me and doesn't like that they still, when they see they have made a mistake, won't back off on this. She will also be getting me contact information for our sheriff. He is the same guy that processed my claim for a permit to buy handguns (same background check), and for four years. I have two other personal references lined up as well. Once this is cleared, if it gets done (Utah is rather statist and the feds are worse), I won't be buying guns in a hurry. One every six months to a year, no rush then. The 9mm first, though, I think.

I tried something new yesterday. I kept the heat higher most of the day, save when I was gone, as I never did warm up. Then I didn't turn the heat down or close my door last night. Closing my door effectively turns off most heat to my room. I even slept with long johns (bottoms), a t-shirt and layering shirt, and socks on. Then I added three blankets. Way more than I can normally stand! I think, when I get cold like that/this, my heart is having problems. Either that or my body isn't handling the low flow well, again. That is what is causing me to be tired. I would also guess, just a guess at this time, that in the summer I become much more susceptible to heat when I go through this. I am figuring things out, no thanks to the medical community. Tinkering with my medicines, like a mad doctor, has been the only way to tell. I just haven't been on the right doses of the right medicines, to date, until now, to do that. At least there is that. I also found a 19:00 Mass locally. I may go there from time to time, if I miss at the main Church. Not today, I don't think, probably.

What an absolutely amazing world I am living in now though. If the medicines don't fix my heart, if they can at least maintain it, I will do just fine for a long time I think. And when I do, eventually, check out? It will be fast, and a little harsh, if I am awake. Not bad. But too, as I start to work out, perhaps that will help. On these medicines, unlike Ritalin, I won't always be able to work out. But that is fine, as long as I do what I can. I will permanently live in a hit and miss world. I think that the hits will be much more common and the misses will be less devastating and shorter term. Now that I know what I am working with, I can get a grip on it. For a nearly dead man, I am a wonder. The superman of the lame, lazy, and crazy! :)

Now, go, blessed and loved. The world needs you just as you are. Be there for it, your brothers and sisters, and what you have as your lot. Peace be on your soul, mind, and spirit.

Moving slowly.

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It was brutal getting going today. Even by afternoon my blood simply hadn't warmed. And yet it came time to get ready and go. I flinched, I did at that. I did prepare for Church, building in enough time (I hoped) to get to town and run a few copies and pick up some tobacco. I ran off copies of what I think the IRS needs from my home purchase booklet. I think I have everything. I wish there was a number I could call because the sellers signature is not on the form they want. I am sending the initial purchase agreement, which does have his signature and does date when the house was agreed to be purchased. I will sign the HUD-1 page, which otherwise doesn't have my signature, something they 'strongly advised', regardless of whether a place was on the page for that or not. I think I will have this ready to send Monday.

On my way home I decided to stop and eat at a local, homemade, pizza place. This is where I had hoped to buy several gift certificates. I tried an old gift card, but I think it has been in my wallet too long. I had to buy one out of my account and pay for my dinner too. That means I still have another one or two of those to buy. The one I bought is for the bishop of ward one, locally, and his family. They have helped me twice with my yard, and only received a verbal thank you or two. This isn't much more, but at least it is a return of some calories, and some effort on my end. Their efforts were a blessing. I stopped at where I think they live but no one seemed to be home. Tomorrow is not the day to stop, being their church day, so I will get out again Monday.

How is that, kiddies? Church, business, social, and personal, plus a meal thrown in for good measure, on a day off, a day I could not get going, a day I did not want to get going. I'll take what is behind door number 3, Bob. And be grateful. If I can, I might go to Church again tomorrow. I would like, as I said, to go three times a week. With Saturday and Sunday taking up two slots, then I have much more leeway in choosing when else to go. If business takes me into town more often, and time is good for it or open to my adjustments, I will make it to Mass more often.

How long this wave of 'can do' will last is anyone's guess. But while I can, even through exhaustion again, I will.

A rough morning.

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Just staying awake has been a chore. I am just now warming up in spite of the furnace on blast, being pseudo dressed, and having a throw wrapped around me as if I were... wait, I am Indian. Two brands. Anyway, as if I was raised that way. I am dying of thirst but swigging fluids down isn't helping. Oh, nice! The sun just came out. With the snow, the brightness level went from a barely visible overcast day to extra super bright. That could help.

I will be looking over the paperwork, instructions, and my home purchase packet to see what I need, what I have, and begin formulating a plan from there. Oh, I best check what time Mass is, though I am pretty sure it is at 17:00. I want to be there by 16:30, which means I need to leave here by at least a quarter after. If the time is right. I'll be putting that into my phone calendar when I check it, making it weekly, and setting an alarm for six and two hours before time to leave for Mass. If I set my alarm for when Mass starts I will be late. I learned that with the V.A. appointments, while I was figuring those out.

It is coming together. It has taken several years, but in those years I have found a home, figured out my health issues and begun tending it the best that I may, and done numerous moves to finally get in. And I am settled. I have been slowly improving. First, merely getting out on a regular basis with my new friend (seems longer than two years!), then slowly becoming stronger and more functional (of course in stops and starts), and slowly honing everything down to one fantastic week (and a fantastic early summer if you remember rightly). Stops and starts will probably be as good as it gets. When the light turns green, you know darn well my foot will be on that accelerator. I am sure having to struggle, often, even when I do well.

I haven't missed a medical appointment, without reason, in some significant period of time. I have usually called, or tried to call, to rearrange ahead of time. I am hoping to get Mass that way. Though I don't think I can afford to go five times a week. Simply put the gas would bankrupt me. It isn't that far, but it isn't that close. On top of normal driving, I would be spending triple on gas than what I am currently spending. I can do double, so maybe two to three Masses a week. Oh, and I best figure out how to get money going into the Church. I will probably automate that. While I do plan, and believe now that I can, be there regularly. I can't swear I would always remember my pledge, to fill out a check or have cash, and all that. No, I best automate this. I am quite sure God understands.

Well, on to a bit of paperwork. Hmm, does anyone have any wake up solution sets? Sprints do it? A cold shower? Beating one's head against the wall, with proper equipment of course)? These last two or three days have been murder in the mornings. Oh, I best finish my routines! I had been too cold until, well, I am still a bit chill. I think I am good enough to get going. Good luck, stay warm, be well.

Overreach.

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A 5:30 wakeup was pushing things. By 7:30 I was rough. So I laid down for a bit, setting the alarm for 9:00. My mother called at 8:30. I dreamed a goodly bit in that hour but it all evaporated like smoke. She just wished to tell me about her life and news, gave me her new address, and thanked me for the card. She bowled me over so that I was doing good to get in a "That's good", "Great!", or such. Then, bam, gone. Fair enough. I love those short, sweet, to the point, goodbye, phone calls. Actually, I ought to take notes. Then again, I think that is often how mine go. Yeah, probably, if sometimes I get 'caught'.

It has snowed. And it stuck. Not to the roads or sidewalks, this time. But that will happen sooner or later now. With crops in, plowing and field prep seemingly done, there is no reason in the world for it not to snow now. I get that first winter wonderland look. Oh, that will pass as the winter wears on. But for a day I get to feel like a kid on a white Christmas. Sassy wanted out, so I let her go. It is her first taste of snow, she wouldn't go and I didn't make her go last winter. She was still far too young. I don't think that was quite her cup of tea. When she went out, it was like, "Hey! New stuff!" When she came in it was more like, "So are you going to, you know, get rid of that stuff? New was nice but now it's not". Cats are funny, and expressive, sometimes. Who knows what they really think but it is fun to try to piece it together.

I just saw this, too, and wanted to hand it out. It's giving me something to gnaw on. I think I am a winner, I just didn't realize I had nearly literally no leg to stand on while the world was demanding that I jump through hoops. So, are you a winner? Hat tip to Dr. Doug Ross. Ugh, I'll be thanking any sort after thanking a doctor now! :p

Well, on to whatever today will be. Later.

Up early, really early.

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My phone was having some sort of conniption fit. I unplugged it and was about to roll over. I knew it would be cold out of the covers. It's a Saturday so I don't have a whole lot to do. I have no good reason to get up, at least at 5:25. I went to sleep late so didn't I deserve to sleep a little more, not getting up? But in a little way I did want to be up. I want to keep to a schedule, come rain or shine, and that has been slipping just a bit. It was nice, for a change, to be up before the alarm. I made sure to turn those things off so they don't bug me shortly.

It is too cold to just jump into my routine. I have, of course, brushed my teeth and gargled. I try to wait an half hour after that to consume anything. Something about letting the gunk work. I have been using the Crest whitening toothpaste mouth wash combo. And while my teeth aren't pearly white, they have been neglected for most of my life, the last three years rarely being brushed or touched at all, and I still chew tobacco. They aren't ever going to be pearly white again. Much better, but just comparatively. Anyway, I have a bit to go on that, then potassium and medicines. Oh, I suppose, I will weigh in. I am beginning to hate that damn scale. "It lies! Damned lies!", I hiss! I am almost starting to believe women! At least, on their side, according to some pop-scholars, fat bottomed girls make the world go round. Chubby men, even if it happens to be water weight (which all my extra isn't), just stink up elevators. No offense to elevators.

Sam, sitting in my lap, getting a neck massage. Me, half drunk with sleep, look at her, and say, "I kneed/need your head". Then imagine ways to remove her head. Kitty guillotine, car accident involving kitty, etc, and then seeing her head detached from her body in some macabre scene, with it still animated. As I chuckled a little to loud or oddly after saying that, Sam seemed quite put out. She may not know what, but she knows some things are not favorable. A little more loving and she will be right back to purring. There are times, when she is in my lap, when I look down and... I have to think she is plotting much worse against me, should she find the occasion. The malevolence at least seems quite potent. I could be wrong, but I am usually quite happy with our size ratio differences. She might love me, but it's a real love hate relationship, if usually only on the inside (of her).

Today is all about Mass. I go because I believe in the method. I am not sure of the people. I hope not to be called on in Church but I may not have a choice in that. Perhaps the father will simply request people to introduce themselves. I will simply abstain, for now, if so. This is one of those things, on top of everything else, I have been dreading. I'm not and may not become, depending on the fellowship here, a part of the social Catholics. I wouldn't mind finding a place among those who serve, or a back up server. But I want to be more sure of attendance and then do it quietly. If I am there regularly for a month or two, I may put my name in the hat when it comes up. Perhaps, initially, as back-up for anyone who doesn't show up. Maybe finding out when they do snow removal and just being there. Unless I feel unwelcome, as I seem to feel so far.

I could get on that paperwork. I want to see which paperwork from my home purchase book they need, specifically. I think I have what they requested but I can't be sure. The IRS guy said if it isn't perfect they will reject it. I truly despise working with the government for this very reason. At least the guy at the IRS was okay to work with. But I know from many testimonials that most work with the IRS makes a combination rectal exam and dental appointment, without locals or generals, seem gentle and easy. What a world Americans have created for themselves. And they keep voting lefter. Oh, that's going to fix it. Vote Romney or Cain, that'll make it all good. They tilt on the edge and most seem to just want to shove the bus right over the cliff. Oh, it will pick up speed. That is true.

Bah. Grumpy morning. Perhaps this will reset my day so that the 8:00 alarm wakes me again, and on time. Have a good day anyway.

A minor update.

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Women.

I enjoyed that little... thing... at the post office recently. While I enjoyed it for what it seemed to be I brushed it off. I assumed that these young ladies had read my blog, realized I was the author (more or less), and just were blushing and acting funny because of that. And it still might be. My blog, at times, can be rather forward. And I probably come across rather strongly. Perhaps I am simply seen as a chauvinist pig to many women, but some women are beginning to appreciate that in some odd way. Well, and some women don't see it that way. In any case, that is how I dealt with that.

While that may or may not be the case, while I was in town today I got hit with several more loads of that. I guess I just don't get out often enough to see how women react to me, around me. While the locals can be discounted as being blog fans, or at least readers, I have some great doubts about women in Ogden at a McDonalds having read me, or at a store, or here or there. It's almost scary. Perhaps they are just being kind to a tall old man, for all I know. But it still... spooks me a bit.

The thing is, no matter how good that first reaction, I am still left to corral that interest into something more. I have forgotten the first thing about that. But I do know I don't want to, as in the past, willy-nilly, just find a random woman. I want to know for sure she is free to... choose. Then that she is worth my efforts. I sense the Church doesn't accept me, actually. I will find no help there. I guess I will just have to build up and begin looking and snooping on my own. I don't care if she is as hot as a starlet, true as a saint, right as rain, if she... isn't the one she won't do. If these recent events have any fact in them, I can choose. If I can't choose I will skip the process.

If nothing else it does give me hope. Heck, one of them, if I had to bet my bottom teeth, was geared as a lesbian for heavens sakes! A middle aged woman. She sure let me know she appreciated the fine hunk of, to her, man-bull she saw. Wouch. A lesbian?!? The others were youngish attractive women, in their 20's. What am I doing right/wrong? I'm not even going to try and tinker with it though. It seems to work just fine. I just had to get this out.

Oh, I may be taking my blog private. If what I had thought was true about the interwebz isn't, there is no real reason to share. We will see.

Ackh! It's back!

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That pain in my back, that is. Oh, no worries really. I hope to work it out. Suffering from it just means I am headed in the right direction. Or some such seeming rot.

Oh, what have I been doing? I wasn't sure what to do today. I made it to Mass! A bit late but I wasn't going to let that get in the way. I tried to be quiet on my entry by one of the doors which seemed to be closing slowly so I let it close on it's own then banged shut. *shudders* *blush* The Eucharist today was quite sweet on the tongue and to the body and soul. I needed that and feel rewarded and filled. Such a simple thing but I just had to try and do it correctly.

After Mass I picked up my dry cleaning then went next door and bought two types of grout and tile cleaners, a few extra sponges, and some ammonia. My next effort on the shower should be more successful. I then decided to visit my friend. I pulled in, parked, and was about to head in when I here this "Hey!", "Doom!" (Okay, he calls me my other name, work with me.) He was out on a bridge over a decent little river. He wanted to, and then did, show me the trout in there. At first I simply couldn't see them. Then, after a little practice, I couldn't 'not' see them. We were surrounded.

We then discussed what could be done today. We could go shooting, and just goof. We could go shopping then stop for a bit to eat. Oh, how about a trip to Ogden he asked? Well, I had planned on going Monday. I had to stop and think about this. Was there any reason I couldn't go? Was the IRS office open? Well, it was early enough and I had no other real plans. So off we went. He picked up some powder and bullets for reloading, I bought some bullets, then I went to the IRS offices. Whoa, such a police state feel. While I don't believe people should work under threat, I also believe that public employees SHOULD have to fear the people they "work for". I don't like that, not at all. The more the state has nothing to fear the more it will take. Oh well. I got there right at 15:52 and, with one other person waiting, I didn't get seen until... 16:40 or later. There was only one guy in the office. He was about to shut down, after the last 'client' left, so I spoke over the walls (walled off, with gates, like some Wizard of Oz thing). He said he might be able to help me, depending on what I needed. I gave him a brief reply and he thought there was enough time. So, I finally have all the paperwork I need, and instructions. This might end up being a project for this weekend.

A meal on the way back, nothing fancy. Then my friend wanted some microwave bacon. In the wheelchair he is limited in what he can do. Plus, this bacon seems to be very good in spite of the microwave cooking. It costs a fortune for what you get, I suppose the price paid for ease. But he didn't want to go in. I volunteered to make the run, he could have a smoke while I shopped. There was no reason he couldn't have his bacon and not shop for it too! Done, done, and done. So much, so well, so easily. And another weekday has been completed successfully.

Tomorrow I will begin looking over the paperwork for the credit. Then I will go to Mass. I believe it is at 17:00. I will look, this time, online. I don't want to be a second late. Actually, I would like to be about an half hour early. That gives me time to find a nice place, settle in, do some warm-up prayers, and get squared with God personally before we all do it communally. Other than that, I have nothing serious on the agenda. I best do the few dishes I have tonight, maybe a load of laundry if I can get one together.

What a fantastic week. Next week? I don't know. With the interior of my home knocked out I may try and get up to painting a couple of areas, get that tinder wood sorted, and figure out my finances and get going on the long term foods if advisable. I would also like to begin pushing some straight weights. As I said, I will probably begin with just the bars. One set of each exercise I want to do, just to try and bring back form and muscle memory. You would be surprised how long muscle memory remains. That isn't form, necessarily, which too will have to be reformed.

I am pleased. I might be killing myself to get to function, but if that is the price? Then again, I honestly don't have options. If I take what they want, I will simply fall off the medicine and wake to a disaster of a home in a month or less, and have to try to crawl out from under all that, all over again. And yet I can't quit the medicines, edema will creep back swiftly. It does neither them nor me any good to overdose beyond my capacity to care for myself without having someone to pick up the load. In truth, this is my only real option. One half a dose more and I can't even think, so doing is way out. And, yes, I applied for assistance and was refused. Police state stuff, if you don't do what they demand, they won't do anything for you. Beware "Obamacare" with your life!

I also got three calls today. The first, from my mother, thanking me for the rice machine. But more the card I had them add, in which I wrote a little thank you note. Apparently I hit a home run with the note, my mother was crying. She is helping a friend and her son, the woman is dying. And I think, all combined, the note just hit the right chords with her. Then my lady friend called, she too received her package, card, and check. Pleased as punch, she will be sending me a bit of the hot cayenne I crave. Oh, no worries, there is enough extra for a fine meal or two, plus the cayenne and postage on it. She has no one. Well, save one lowly fool. I love to hear her smile on the phone. Then I received a call from the investigator regarding my application and such. All went to messages as I didn't hear the calls. I wasn't expecting any of them, I just sent/ordered those things this week and the BCI (Bureau of Criminal Investigation) guy... well, he is a state worker. I didn't know they worked on Fridays. Anyway. All very good!

Good night.

Another day and it looks good.

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The alarm woke me two different times. I heard it, and thought I was awake, at 8:45. I don't remember the intervening moments, but when I actually got up and turned of the alarm it was 9:15. It is so odd when that happens, if I am used to it by this time. It's not a tough morning, I feel good and all. It is a groggy morning. Not much has been done. My routine, at least. And breakfast. And the rugs will go down right after this. Then it is time to prepare for Mass. This will be my first Mass in over two years. Hopefully it is not a huge group, though too one always hopes there are others. Balance. I am not used to crowds.

After Church I will go on to do some shopping. I'll have to look over the list I made yesterday. After shopping, just a bit more around the home, including dishes which are soaking and perhaps a load or two of laundry. Ugh but it is difficult to get going this morning. If I can keep going, the weekend is R&R time. Next week is busy again, I have tons of things to do. I am amazed at what I am getting done but there is much left to do. The boxes upstairs, cleaning nooks and crannies, business and social things, a few remaining thank you cards to be presented, and a few other things. Oh, and I really should get those water containers cleaned and filled. And when I get a grip on where my finances are, after I look over the bills and make sure everything has been paid, I can begin considering food for storage.

Yes, yes, I am on it. It is amazing what you can do. It is also surprising how long things really do take, as has been discussed before. But if I don't get stuck on one thing, if when I hit a roadblock and until I can find a way around it I can find other chores, tasks, business, or social things, I get on to so much more. I have been doing that.

While a change in medicine helped, the song, along with what Wonder Woman wrote and did, Jean hints at, and Heidi did and wrote about regarding her life, I am moving forward. I think the song just brought it all together and somehow made it all make sense. Oh, I should toss a big thanks to my mother in there. I watched her beat my home into shape with hard work and diligence. Oh yes, what I see in women who do is... amazing. I will never have that down. But... I can have my own little piece of it. Thank you, ladies!

Well, time to get up, get out. Oh, and the kink in my back is gone. I'll have to do some more work to get it back. *grins* Good day.

A permanent kink in my back?

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I don't know for sure, yet! Never mind. I really didn't want to sweep and mop. Why? I don't know why. Because, I suppose. And I kept stalling. Finally, though, I got to it. Because of the layout, the extra bathroom and the laundry room have to be done last, but my bathroom and the kitchen has been mopped. Or at least, the way I did it. When what has been mopped is dry I will get those last two spots. I don't think the last bathroom will be much to clean, so it might get done tonight, after mopping. I found another rug Sam had stained, so I put both rugs in the wash. They should be done, so after things dry and before I wet the remaining floors, I will put the rugs in the drier. But that kink keeps coming back. Oh well. It could be worse.

Oh, I know. This must be boring to read. But I tell you it is a minor miracle. I am taking as much medication as I can which still allows me to function, but just barely. And, like the earlier part of this summer, I am back at it. It isn't quite as good as it was then, but that is fine. I have a lot more control this time. I have even been able to maintain my celibacy. That was tested, but after learning control and watching as this change came to be I was able to do just the right things at the right times. I have completely cleaned my house, done my dishes, gotten caught up on laundry. I am showering regularly, going out more often, shopping rightly, and taking care of myself. I have caught up on old promises, old tasks, and some recent things. Further, now that I am caught up, I am going to make every effort to stay on top of things. It's a lot easier to do things as I go. I simply haven't had that option until possibly now.

The question is, once I am caught up, and staying on top of things, what next? That will certainly not fill my time. Especially as, while I learn to work again, I become exceedingly more efficient. I can't really afford to do much. I suppose, if I got the chronograph, I could do more shooting practice, often on my own. That is, actually, a minor work out... shooting that is. I can try to get out for a walk or hike, even in the winter so long as it isn't icy. I don't know though, I need some kind of real hobby. I am trying to get away from computer games, they bring no real profit to either my skill set, intellect, or... anything. What to do??? I do know I would like to start adding stretches to my daily routines. That's free. But it doesn't take much time. I feel the need to limber up, I'm tired of being cramped in my own body. I don't know, I will think about it.

After the dust settles on bills and such, I want to reconsider my options. I had meant to stock up on long term foods, and maybe some short term supplies. When I see what kind of money I have, I may go gangbusters into that. While a cwp is still in the works, as I see things, if I get it back this time I won't have to worry about rushing purchases. I won't be worried. Either that or I simply won't get it back, at which time I will no longer need to worry about saving for those guns. I am pretty sure I have my last sheriff, my mother, and a couple of friends who will vouch for me. My mother is, I think, the most important. Having had her husband kill himself, she heard the shot and found the body, he wasn't dead right away. She isn't about to lose me that way, whether I live close or am all the way out here. I will have her write about her ordeal, her earlier worries with me, and that she now feels secure with me having firearms. She wouldn't do that if she didn't trust me implicitly. She has already done that once, which allowed me to get my permit to buy handguns. Then again I have a .45 and .22 pistol, an AK-47, a shotgun, and two .22 rifles. If I was up to no good I don't really need more. I do need a hunting rifle and I would like a better main battle rifle. And, if I am going to conceal, it would be good to have more options that way. Yes, yes, just humor me.

Time to check the floors. Tomorrow I will be finishing anything left from today, picking up on the cwp follow-up, trying to call my friend to see if Monday would be good for a trip to Ogden, and maybe into town to see him, maybe go shooting, and to find tile and grout cleaner while picking up my dry cleaning. It all ties together, work creates work. But too I can now see that it really all can get done! Further, as I buy the things needed, I don't need to buy them next time. Why it is so easy right now I can't tell you. Hmm, actually, it isn't easy. And I really don't want to do some of it some of the time. So, why can I do it now? Just the right medicines? I have to suspect that is exactly it. I do wonder, if they had checked and found the heart condition twenty years ago what my life would be like now. Regrets.

Good night.

What an amazing week!

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And it isn't over yet. While I still haven't mopped or finished the bathrooms (mopping remains in the bathroom I have otherwise completed, as does finishing that blasted grout!), I have done an amazing number of things. Vacuuming to laundry, dishes and the whole kitchen (barring mopping), little bits here and there, phone calls, orders placed, emails, paperwork found and some of it dealt with or being dealt with, and my routine to include exercises. I even just got the weight bench mostly together! I even finally have my shoes and boots polished, having to buy polishes a brush and rags first. And lastly, last night I finally ordered a new roaster along with the cd with About to Happen. And I have done things in spite of not wanting/feeling like doing them. No doubt about how well this week has gone. And, after turning the heat up to feel warm, then turning it down a bit as once warm I am good, today has turned out better than I had thought it would.

I tried to call the IRS but none of their connections allowed for what I needed and they wanted information from my returns, which of course I don't have, so I couldn't even speak with a general operator, if they even have such a thing. I did find an office in Ogden. I had been planning to get my friend up there so this will fit in. I tried to call my friend to get going on a trip to Ogden but he didn't answer and his message system isn't set up yet. I also, as a final task, called the man who sent the letter regarding my conceal weapons permit. I just asked to know who I need to contact, what else I might need to do, and such. The letter really didn't have much in it other than the reason for the rejection and his contact information.

What else might I do today? I don't know. I am still pretty beat up. I am hoping, however, to keep things going until the weekend. Then, on the weekends, just do my routines, little things as I feel the want or need, and Mass/Reconciliation in their due time. So I am going to push getting the floors mopped and maybe the other bathroom washed and rinsed. I ended up washing some of my rugs yesterday, a day early it seems. Sam vomited on one today. I suppose I could give it a quick whirl through the machine too. At least I hadn't mopped as well. One thing I keep forgetting, being so busy, is to drink enough. I have to drink a ton to get the water pills to kick in. Not a ton and a half though, but that isn't a problem. It is usually difficult to drink enough, I am not sure I can (save on a few rare occasions) drink too much.

Yeah, a good week. And I mean to keep it going. Good day!

Hmm?

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I did check about a lawyer, then called his office. We will have a phone conversation Monday. While I was doing some straightening, I found the original police report which should have most of the information needed. I will look around for the claim number, if it also has letters in it, as well. Then I scrounged up what I could find for the first-time buyer credit. I had hoped to stuff that, and a hand written letter, into an envelop and send it but I am having trouble finding an address to which to send the package. I was in the middle of that when the missionaries arrived.

Putting the weight bench together, on my own, was going to be a bit tricky, so I asked if they would help. They did. My weight bench is now, mostly, together. There are some missing parts though. I am sure I put those all in a bag, and have them around somewhere. I will be looking for them shortly. If all else fails, I will simply look at how many slots are missing, and what type of connection is needed then go buy them. Olympic weight benches are fairly universal in bolts and L-connectors. I am not in a great hurry, either. Still, one more thing. The next time they visit I will have them give me a hand with the setup machine. One thing at a time.

Now, back to finding the address for the IRS. Perhaps a call would clear things up? I might give that a shot too. Back to it. Have a good day.

Can't wake up.

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I went to bed rather early, I think by 21:30 or so. I also fell right to sleep. The first alarm? I never quite know. That 7:30 alarm by the bed I never seem to hear. I must have automated my ability to shut it off, which is fine as that is just a heads up alarm. The 8:00 alarm had me up by 8:15. I didn't want to get up. I am tired to the bone. I didn't want to do my morning routine but did it anyway. I am simply beat down hard today. One of the tricks I have been using is turning the heat down at night, then warming the place up greatly during the day, first thing. Once I get warm I then turn the furnace down a goodly bit. The last few days, however, getting warm has been very difficult. It may be my heart, based on that? I am not sure but I will keep working on it all.

I have decided to add the B complex, zinc, and magnesium only 3 days of each week. They are rather high doses (if they make even higher doses). I just want to replace what is going out voiding but I don't want to overdo it either. It is difficult to know what to do, honestly. I can't trust the doctors. They know I am on my own and low functioning at times and should have suggested some of these things. Who knows what else I am missing. They are only worried about 'their products', supplements don't concern them. I am notorious for not taking medicine but given that they are notorious for giving me the wrong medications I suppose that is fair.

I can't believe how much that little bit of exercise is helping. Oh, of course, I am not bulking up. But I definitely have gotten a little larger and better defined. I haven't felt, yet, up to increasing those numbers of exercises. I will take this slowly. I am simply trying to do something every day, twice a day. I am in this for the long haul. I don't want to add more than I can do and end up quitting. I have no other goal than to do what I am doing until I can do more, then do a few more. I might simply add one every two or three weeks. I know, like interest (when there is anything on bank savings over inflation), that over time even small amounts will add up.

Many of my connections are gone or bad. My friend and my brother have lousy reception on their phones, so I can't just call and talk. Blogger, or whoever, has made commenting impossible on most of my regular places. And I am a bit busy to be getting out to visit people, beyond that I only know one man well enough to just show up and visit. Life is feeling a bit isolated. No problems. Perhaps as Church gets more underway I will meet others there. Hmm, I haven't heard back from my friend via email yet. I may call and see if he is just doing his usual hide-and-seek or if I had his email wrong. I did call my lady friend and my mother, to let them know packages will be arriving soon. Surprisingly, both of them were available for a live conversation. I had to ask what my lady friend is up to, with canoeing and gardening done for the season. Housecleaning, it seems. Good answer. It was nice to tell her that I had been doing the same, and all but the last bathroom, sweeping and mopping, I have my home back in the order my mother had put it.

The curtains are opened, the sun is smiling, and I have work to do. While quite tired, I will get on these things. Calling a lawyer and checking on paperwork for the refund. If I get those done, for sure, then I will call about the cwp. I am hoping this goes more easily than not. I have worked hard at pulling away from psychology, and might not be alive if I hadn't. My frustration with the medical field might be a ding, but that I didn't do what any right insane aggrieved man would have done should say something. No, I will work with what I have, ignoring idiots but no more, and doing it the way it works for me. On to it, then.

I do wonder if my willingness to talk is seen as a problem? I know in engineering it was seen as a negative. Then again, professionals often have many secrets and can't just talk. My professors, often, were more researchers than teachers. And toward that end, they were mum on much. Quiet guys, paranoid to a degree, and even in other fields like math, chemistry, and physics. Research is their golden egg layer, and they won't risk losing it to a loose lip. I would guess field engineers have similar restraints, often codified in their contracts. Isn't it funny how academics keep their work top secret, then hand it out with graphs, charts, tons of documentation, and such? So long as they are the first to spit it out they don't care who knows and try to get them to not only know but to believe. Unbelievable!

Oh, get off your duff. If I have to work through exhaustion, you get to work through boredom! :p Have a good day.

No way!

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Cleaning the shower is proving impossible. I will have to get something specific for tile and grout. It has taken up far too much of my time and I still can't get it right. The lower areas that remained have proven intractable. I have scrubbed them two or three times now and it just isn't working. But I simply refuse to quit. I would look a product up online but there is no guarantee I could find it locally and I don't want to pay shipping. I may just move on to the rest of the bathroom for now, but I am tuckered out from spending hours on my knees and scrubbing at odd angles. At least I have those kneepads. Those are a life saver.

Tomorrow is dedicated solely to finding a lawyer and getting him on the case and then applying for the home purchase rebate. If I get those knocked off early I will begin appealing to the cwp board. I have been thinking about character witnesses. To be honest, I think my mother would be good. I have another small group who has worked with me and knows me, including, potentially, a few of my professors and the holder of a masters degree in physics. I am also thinking about D.C. Not sure he is up for it, or feels qualified, but there is that. As for professional assurances, I may start looking for a someone qualified to make such an assessment. Simply put, this harassment due to a misdiagnosis has to end. They are too embarrassed to change the diagnosis, or just dump it as they should. And my disability claim is tied to it, so they don't want to risk losing a 100% either. Which might happen if they decided to try and change the basis of my diagnosis. But more, because I don't work with them well, they won't be a good choice to go to "prove" I am sane. Never mind, as with many things, I will do it on my own.

Oh, by the way, I am quite sane. A little rusty at times. Definitely unique in how I think. And not always interested in doing the "sane thing" for public consumption. But my mind works just fine. I know right from wrong and take responsibility for it when I am not right (and expect others to as well). My faith is strong, which if they have a point in the secular courts, it would be that. In a Godless world, belief in God is insane. Barring that they have no case.

Hmm, I think I will get back to the bathroom and skip the rest of the shower for now. I suppose, actually, I could look up what is supposed to be the best five tile and grout cleaners online. One of those should be available somewhere! If I finish the bathroom, and still have some energy, Mopping the kitchen, other bathroom, and laundry room is all I really have time left for tonight. The other bathroom will be easy to finish, when I get to it. Probably Friday morning unless my efforts are extremely easy tomorrow. We will see.

Good night, I believe. I won't be sleeping for a couple of hours but I probably won't be back. Sleep well. I will pray for you, again, and your problems and doubts, fears and hopes, and long safe peaceful life.

I wanted a nap desparately.

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However, the only way to possibly find out why my cwp was rejected was to go to the post office. So, out of my house clothes and into street clothes, I headed down the street. Walking seemed like the way to go. I got the letter and waited until I arrived home to check it. Okay, yeah, probably V.A. related. I am going to have to fight this. I may need to employ separate medical professionals to get this fixed. I sure won't be trusting the V.A. Not only can't they get a diagnosis right, they can't fix things when they find them. Nor can they be trusted. Unions and liberalism runs that show. Various depths of socialism, against gun ownership at all cost, to boot.

While I was there I had two young women... Blush and such around me. I caught one of them checking me out. Yeah, me. I looked around to see if some hunk was sneaking up on me or something. Don't ask me, I just live here. Maybe I have a funny reputation? Who knows. You never know why or such on these things, or what any of it truly meant. I'll chalk it up as a couple of nice complements from young women to an old duffer and leave it there. But... YEAH! *grins*

Now I am too up to nap. I have sprayed the shower again, with the cleaner. A bite to eat then another spray while I absorb lunch/dinner, and then back to it. Good day.

Tired.

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Yes, I did get up this morning. I did my routine and slowly worked on the main bathroom. Tile grout slowed me right the heck down. I thought I could whip through it but no such luck. I have done the ceiling, the floor, and the tiles from top down to about my knees or a bit lower. Mass was coming up on me fast, so I policed my gear, took a shower, dressed, and headed out. Just on time, I notice other cars in the lot and a couple was coming in behind me. The doors were locked? It looked like people were inside though. Could it be that a few minutes late means no entrance? I doubted that. Then I saw father. He disappeared for a short bit then came to the door. It seems I, and the couple behind me, misheard. Mass is on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday... I think. I will double check that. I was still pleased to have made the grand effort and been on time. Father suggested we could go on in, so I did. Crossing myself with holy water from the font, kneeling before entering the pew, I merely said a prayer, sat in silence a short bit, finally leaving the way I entered. Home. Indeed.

On to shopping, albeit dressed to the nines. Well, for me. I bought what I needed and a bit more, then headed for home. I keep thinking about stopping for food but I would just as well not. I have stuff at home and restaurants are becoming dearly expensive. So to home I hied.

I am getting really tired. I have been doing a great deal of work. I seem to be slowing and there is little I can do about it. Which, if absolutely necessary, I will simply have to deal with from time to time. I absolutely want to keep to my routine. After that, I will work as fast and hard as I can. The bathrooms and mopping are still on the schedule today. Being two thirds done, but only with the shower itself, I am not sure how much of that I will truly get done. All I know is I will keep on it for the breadth of today and pick up on it when next I see the chance. If I finish those two projects for tomorrow I will then use any spare energy to get what remains.

I have been doing little things along the way. Cleaning off this surface, sorting, storing, and tossing. Cleaning and organizing this drawer, putting what doesn't belong where it does belong, setting it aside, or tossing what is no longer needed or useful. Piece by piece, one place at a time, I am taking my home back from chaos. And, again, this morning, I made the bed. All little things, and more, happening an eyesore at a time. I hope, when I get this place straightened, to begin looking for art, setting up little nooks for my kind of curios, and considering plants finally. I need green growing things around me. I have simply been too busy with too much else, too broke, or too ill to date.

Something happened the other day. It is like I became alive again. And while I still suffer my illness, I now see a way into life. I can see beyond disasters, upsets, and such, and keep going. My body will still quit on me, but I think if I keep my eye on the ball and keep trying, doing what I can, my longsight into life has returned. Baby steps, if needed if that is all I can do. But a push toward more in the long run. I can do this.

Later.

Needed the alarm clocks today.

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Why? Because I ended up tinkering and dragging my feet getting to bed last night. Again it was midnight or so when I finally dragged myself in to sleep. I did my routine(tm), plus I did finish drying and dealing with the laundry. I just hated leaving it for today, especially since I have two bathrooms instead of one on top of what else is planned. My morning routine is being handled as I write. Weight has been taken, teeth cleaned, medicines taken or in the process with the potassium being drank in liquid form over time, and while I was at it I made my bed.

Today will be a busy one. Like I said, two bathrooms are to be cleaned, mopping wherever that is needed, going to Mass, moving that kindling outside into a dry place, checking the mail and finding out what has happened with the cwp. I can't remember if anything else was planned, but this is the plan as it stands today. My guess is, as I am going through things, I will find more work. Oh, one other thing. My roaster seems to have disappeared so I am going to order another one. It disappeared the last time my mother was here. I don't think she would have tossed it? I have looked in every cubbyhole, closet, niche, nook, cranny, back high or low corner and I have not found it. There are many of those places, by the way, but I am quite sure I have searched everywhere. I hate buying a new one because the type I demand are not cheap, starting in the $120 to $150 range and going up. It's not like a small thing, the roaster, something she would accidentally have tossed. And I don't think she is quite that mean. So, I don't know. Not buying a couple of pistols will allow me to buy this without issue. And, actually, I may put some extra back in savings but I might just spend half of what I was going to spend on long term storage food as was initially planned. Why cry over spilt milk when it was merely spilled into a cheese tank? Just... make cheese!

A bit of waking up and we will see where I can get and what I can finish today. Race you? Later.

Almost.

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I vacuumed, swept, and the laundry should be done. But mopping and the bathroom will have to wait. I am, simply put, all done in. No complaints. I did far more than ever before, and faster. I kept on task, added things, and just did a wondrous couple of days of work. I don't even think it is over. It is just over for today. I am hoping to keep up this type of work, and my routine, taking weekends off. Some days I will get more done, some days I won't quite make it.

So, tomorrow, my bathroom, mopping, maybe the extra bathroom are to be cleaned. Mass at noon, as well as checking the mail and figuring out what the problem with the cwp is and beginning that. Before, during, and after those things, I will be looking for old tasks, projects, and little things to work on along the way. Thursday is a real test. I am hoping to do just two things for sure. Find a lawyer and begin on the accident claim and send in the paperwork for my federal home purchase return. Anything else I get done will be candy, but I will stay on those two projects until I have done them to the point where I can do no more, to be followed up on Friday, if need be. Friday, for sure, Mass. What else beyond that I can't know quite yet.

I am about ready for bed. I will do my exercises, figure out the laundry, and a few other things then probably hit it early. It is a disappointing day though. I didn't do everything on my list and I didn't get the gun. So be it. Tomorrow is another day. I will be setting my alarm clocks from now on. My goal is to be up by 7:00. Earlier if possible, but 7:00 will do. Good night.

No revolver.

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So, I get everything into the X and head out. I stopped at the Post Office and sent the lamp and the two cards. With my brother's address, his very late birthday card went out too. On to town. Picking up my friend, I suggested that my license might have been pulled, but we would go check anyway. On the way I dropped off my slacks at the dry cleaner. Sure enough, my cwp has been canceled. There is a registered letter from them to me in the mail, so I will get that and find out what it takes to barrel through their hurdle. Congressmen, state and federal, the V.A., and bureurats will be contacted. I won't let this stand and will do everything I can to fix this.

It was too cold to go shooting so my friend just wanted to go home. As I was leaving after dropping him off, I remembered what I had thought I needed. I had heard zinc was a good supplement when taking water pills. But I really didn't feel like shopping. I remembered my new innovations in thinking and doing and so just did it anyway. I would rather just crash and burn for a bit but that won't help. So I am going to stick to my plan, do what was on my list, and keep going.

After just a few days of pushups and crunches, I am already noticing some small improvement. My arms look slightly larger and there is more definition. I know that seems impossible, but there it is. Subjective, to be sure, perhaps I should do some measurements. Ah well, at least I am home earlier than would have been so I should be able to get everything on my list done at a much more reasonable hour. Wow, what a bummer.

Later.

I keep doing.

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So I keep writing. I need this for evidence, for myself, later perhaps. Proof of what can be done without pain or stress or fear.

I went to grab the laundry and noticed the slacks which need to go to the dry cleaner. I grabbed those and the laundry and made it to loveseat where the boxed lamp sat. I set down what I was carrying, found a pocket knife, and opened the box. It seems to be packed well enough. I had to grab some duct tape to cover a few things on the box, then a couple of magic markers to write "fragile" all over the box and label the top and bottom. Then the card that was to go in the box had to be prepped. I filled it out, but remembered I needed to put a check in there. Out to the X, where I had left the checkbook, and then that was filled out, put with the card, and the card then put in the box. But while I was at cards, I prepared the thank card for my mother and the birthday card for my brother. I completed the thank you card but I don't have my brother's address. I will call my mother later, when I think she will be at home. I couldn't seal up the box, either, as I don't have the right kind of tape. I'll get that done when I arrive at the Post office.

After I sorted that out, as much as possible with what I have, I grabbed the laundry and the slacks to be dry cleaned, and headed into the kitchen, where I bagged the slacks and put them with the ammunition to be packed in the car. I then put the box to be shipped in with the things to be loaded. The laundry then went into the laundry room. I put in a good solid load, and extra (than my usual, I skimp, and even with this extra it is a skimp) soap for that load, plus an extra rinse because of the extra (by my standards) soap, and tinkered with the machine. I figured out how to put it on a three hour delay timer and that is ready to go. I was getting a bit hungry, so a thigh and drumstick, and one of the remaining ribs, went into the microwave to heat. Yum!

As I sit, updating, I finally remembered my supplements and added potassium to my drink and am consuming that while I write. In town I need to pick up my friend, take the box in have it sealed and send it, drop off slacks at the dry cleaner, purchase the pistol, send the card off to my mother, and I am hoping I will remember what I had needed to buy, then go shooting and on to a meal out.

When I return home, the goal is to finish the laundry, though there is really only one load so it will just need to be dried, I think. I then will sweep, mop, and vacuum everywhere, and finally clean my bathroom down to the nubs. A complete wash and scrubbing where needed. When those things are done I am ending my day and will just enjoy what there is left of time. The other goal, not quite job related, is to do these things fast enough that I can get to bed early, or earlier Oh, I almost forgot to call my brother. Right after this.

Tomorrow I will clean the other bathroom, look outside for a few tasks, and get to Mass. I may look for other things to do while I am at it, or, as today, just notice things while I am doing other things, and get right on it. Yes, right on it. Oh, I hope to set up my weight station tomorrow. After I get my home in order I will begin looking at doing some chump change workouts with the straight weights. Probably just bare bars, minimum repetitions, but full of promise. Form is key and is lost even before muscle I think, at times. Initially it will just be a time killer. I will go slow with it, too, in all ways.

So, yeah, it can be done. Even by a cripple. If I do have to do my own thing with medicine to get it done. Risks which will only be rewarded if I hold up my end when I take what I want instead of simply taking what is given. Nothing is free. Later.

Oh yeah?

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Well, yes.

After waking a bit and thinking, I realized I can't go to Mass today. There isn't one! Ah well, a little more time to do some things here at home. I was thinking it was going to get really tight really fast with Mass in there. In any case I got on to my bedroom. The bedding has been changed, the mattress has been turned in the process. Quite an involved process, actually. And I had to redo some things to make it just so. While I was working on that, I noticed not all of my clothes had been properly put away, so I tended that for the most part. Then I noticed some books out of place in my room and put those up. Then I removed the dirty towels from my bathroom and put them in the laundry, which will be going to the laundry room with everything else from bedding and typical use as I head that way to prepare breakfast.

As well, I emailed my friend, to make sure I got his email address correct, then put his email address in his contact information on my phone, or it would get lost. After that I called my mother to make sure she will still be living in the place she is at long enough for the rice machine to arrive. She had mentioned she will be moving but I didn't know when. Sure enough, she is good to go. So I ordered the machine for her and it is on the way. Little things. All of them. But one baby step after the other, and before you know it, I complete the tasks.

Before long, yet before I go, I will call my brother, take a shower, eat breakfast, consume my potassium and supplements, feed the cats again and check their water. I have the bullets I want to take for the .357. Remember, I purchased the .357 ammunition from my friend. He didn't like the more powerful rounds, they hurt his hand in his pistol and even then I was planning on buying a .357. I merely, yesterday, bought a box of .357 rounds to have another sample to compare my friend's rounds with through the pistol. I will be buying a holster for it, one of those nylon type ones, right when I buy the gun today. Why buy a pistol without a holster?

I would like to do laundry but I don't want it to set for hours. Hmm, I might have to tinker with the timer setting, so that the laundry begins in three hours or so, just in time to be finished by the time I return, for another load. As I become busier I am noticing that I am having to figure out how to try and do more things at once. Mutli-tasking is for WOMEN! And bachelors it seems. So be it.

How do you like them apples? And so it goes. Well, time to get the laundry in play and then have some breakfast. Chicken, ribs, or cereal though? Hmm, maybe a bit of each. In some ways, at some times, I am more a garbage bin than a consumer of fine foods. That does make... flexibility a presumption though. It can also cut down on expense. *wolfish grin* Hmm, I think, while transporting the laundry I will check that lamp for shipping to my lady friend. If it is all good, that will go today or I will make it ready and take it in for shipping when I go to town. And I will fill out the card for her, adding a little check to it as well, and packing that right in with the lamp. Oh yes, never ending but the tasks when tended are done. There is that. You do notice, as I get to things, I am noticing other things, and tending them right in there with the rest of it. Interesting.

With what is happening? I'm almost feeling sexy! Yeah, it is slick to run a clean operation. Later.

Up a bit late.

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I suspected I would be though. And to that end I set every alarm on every alarm clock I have. The first went off at 7:30. Setting right beside my bed it was meant to begin rousing me if I had no reason to believe I would even remember it, check. The other was set for 8:00, further away. It could be unheard for a bit but would eventually roust me, whether I would know it consciously I could not know so I set the beside one for a 10:00 as an emergency backup, check. I did hear and respond to the 8:00 alarm, if 45 minutes after it had begun. Going to bed past midnight and maybe past 1:30 I can't truly remember, this is no surprise. A full day yesterday, too, adding doubts, concerns.

My routines have started. Teeth and exercises have been done, medicine is in the offing, breakfast and vitals to follow shortly. A bit of blogging to wake me up first though. I might start trying to add making my bed and policing dirty clothes part of my morning. Just a roughly 'first thing' sort of habit. And, I know, not every day will see everything done, especially initially. I think I can so I will. I have also started thinking about how I can try and force home cleaning tasks a little better. Cleaning one room a day, perhaps. Having certain days for dusting and vacuuming, picking everything up, a sure day for laundry, a specific day to do dishes if I haven't been keeping up. I really think I can do this now, mostly.

If I can make these things work, then I will begin looking at adding to the routine. Perhaps putting heavier exercises in there. Nothing huge, just a bit more than my morning routines and a few days a week. Perhaps walking to the mailbox as a refresher aside from formal exercises. I am simply not sure what all can be added, or should be added, at first. I will wait until I have a set daily and weekly routine. One day at a time, one project at a time, one piece at a time. And failure is an option, just not one I will abide. Falling off a horse in a rodeo is a given. Staying in the dirt one was dumped is not. It is time to get back in the saddle.

Today will be a busy day. I need to get breakfast, a shower, change my bedding, and get medicines down. Then to Mass at noon. Then a call to my brother. Then over to pick my friend, and then pistol, up. Then to a bit of shooting with a meal in the offing after that. When I return home I want to sweep, mop, and vacuum. After that I may clean my main bathroom, do a bit of laundry from the bathroom cleaning and bedding change. I might also look around the yard and see if there is anything else I can do. Something little but real. Oh, and I need to find those links for Game, for my friend and get those sent. And I need to check that lamp and get that going to my lady friend. Oh, and I also need to get that rice cooker ordered for my mother. Ack! Another very busy day. I am good with that.

That will be all. I suppose when I have said, on some days, that I did nothing, that you really thought I was jesting? Some of those days I didn't even eat. I am getting better. And I always have wanted to do things. Could a mere song be pushing me on? Could cutting back on medicines just that little amount be doing this? Is my mind simply getting focused for it's own reasons? I honestly don't know. I do know I will ride this wave to as great of a success as is possible. I will do everything in my power to reject my cynicism, exhaustion, medical pass, or anything else the world or I might try to throw in my path.

You know though, as busy as I was yesterday? I still had plenty of time to goof. And, while I don't mind goofing a bit, from time to time, all work and no play and such? I also don't like slacking. Plus the goofing can slow down my progress so that I don't sleep until too late. I need to become more efficient. I want to use myself and be used by the world. I don't have to like all of it, I don't have to want to do some of it, it doesn't matter. I am in training to be a servant. I have failed as a master. But beyond that, I had no servants! Impossible! *grins*

Have a great day. Get out and get to it. Later.

A woman's work is never done!

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More so when a man tries to do it alone. But boy am I tired.

I had hoped to do a number of things tonight. Dishes, laundry, changing bedding, maybe cleaning the kitchen, polishing shoes, and finally my routine. I didn't change the bedding. Sam was sleeping so peacefully I honestly could not disturb her while I was in the room sorting, folding, and hanging the laundry. No, I let puss-puss enjoy her beauty sleep. The rest is done, every last thing save brushing my gums, including my exercises. From the counters being cleaned off to the microwave being washed, even the microwave platter being taken out and truly scrubbed, to the shoe polishing. Although I will be doing one other thing before brushing and sleeping. Looking for a way to get shoe polish off a finger. It looks like I had an itch I really shouldn't have scratched.

The shoes will need another wax soon, several. While what I did improves the look much, that they hadn't been polished in years meant that they are merely improved, not optimized. But optimization in such cases can't be had with one polishing. Nor two, three, or possibly even four polishings. Adding too much wax at once does them no good, either. I also got my good hiking boots. They aren't waxed to a shine, they aren't supposed to be shiny. But they have been treated. I will be adding mink oil to both later in the week, unless I can find a true weather proofing product.

I don't know how long I can maintain things at this level. But I think the point of my life going forward is to work as hard as I can to honestly get everything up to spec, then figure out how to make sure things don't fall into such deep disrepair. It will mean doing things when I don't want to, ignoring exhaustion, ignoring my petty dislikes and disinterests, and just doing. I forgot to add Jean to the list of women motivators. She has written other things as well, but this was the one that came to mind. The other day she wrote a haiku, I think?, on the subject. I need to quit checking, asking, thinking about it, and just do it. That is my goal.

I will never stop being tired. But each step I take into doing more will gain me access to even more, until I hit some real hard absolute maximum potential, beyond which I truly can't do more. I am a long way from that, but it is the goal. While I have always thought I have been doing all I can, and though sometimes that has been true, it has just as, or maybe more so, often not been true. Sometimes the habit of being ill is difficult to differentiate from actually being ill. I'm... right on that. But this time that isn't snark. I really am getting right on that.

Be well, good night, and may God bless you and keep you.

Happy Halloween?

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Well, yes, I suppose. I had forgotten. so when the first kiddies rang the doorbell I was caught completely off guard. Oh, I knew it was coming. And from time to time I knew I should buy some candy. It just never happened. So, what was there to do? I asked the youngens to wait, went to my change jar, grabbed a handful each (too much, as I later considered, but it happens), then returned to give them each a fistful of change. Okay, after they left and I settled in, I decided that $1 in quarters, per, was about all I could do. I only had so much, then I could go to dollars, of which I only had five. Which meant I could only treat about 18 trickers. So I was hoping this year would be as light as last year. It looks like that was the case. Another group came by. I apologized for forgetting candy but they seemed to be quite grateful for money and several suggested this was the best place ever! *smile* I'm happy if the kids are good. I do enjoy them coming by. Yeah, I like kids, all of them, up to the point of doing serious bad. The little bad things? Just make me chuckle. Been there, done that. *grins*

The dishes are soaking, the laundry is finishing drying, and I will get these things done. Then my sets of push-ups and crunches, a bite to eat, my remaining rituals, then bedtime. I will do these things, and keep doing them, somehow. And I will begin doing them in a more timely manner. I don't want to be Siouxsie Sioux, who I was, but who I can be. And I think, one step at a time, on as much medicine as I can handle, and I can get there. Through the confusion, exhaustion, disinterest, black nether, spiritual and mental blindness, and anything else that might get in the way. I can do it. And I am going to force it if I have to. And I will do it one little thing at a time, built into a cohesive force of life, building on itself one small step at a time. Cheers to Siouxie Sioux, Wonder Woman, and Heidi, who have inspired me in this particular way. In more ways than one. Ungh! And you thought I disliked women!

Ah, but I have something for you adult tricker treaters. Oh, you know who it is from. But it is all I have. Such are dreams, I suppose. Nightmares of our youth? Fears in the here and now? Sometimes both. Remember, little big ones, when you were young.


Good night.

Busy day.

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Along with the additions to my routines, I made it to town. I picked up my friend and we headed right to the gun store. Long story short, I don't have a new revolver. That's the bad news. The good news? Well, I remembered the price and moved money out of savings for it. When I got to the store? I had remembered the wrong amount and wasn't sure I could quite cover the difference. Panicked a bit, I muttered something about price, worry, payday tomorrow. Oh, no problem suggested the clerk. We can hold it 24 hours with no fee, charges, or paperwork. He asked, for sure, if I have my cwp. Yep yep. So it will be waiting for me tomorrow.

My friend hadn't brought a gun, and since the revolver I was going to shoot was not yet in my possession, I asked if he would mind holding off shooting until tomorrow? I offered a last snow free ride up Logan Canyon and then supper, on me. Good enough. So I got right on it. A loverly ride, I love driving in the mountains now, and fall leaves are still showing, if less so that even a week ago. The trees know. A meal was had afterward. Then I let my friend off and proceeded to the store to buy a new polishing kit, including some rags. Then to home.

The rifle I had been hoping to buy is gone. I will keep looking for it or one like it. I could kick myself, but there was little I could do. I am sure something will come along sooner or later. And, of course, who knows if it was a good buy. It is just that it seemed to be everything I wanted in a hunting rifle. The right caliber, a lever action that could handle pointed bullets, and a price that will be very difficult to beat. It'll happen.

And yet I am not done. Dishes and laundry remain on my to-do list and I think I will get them done. Something about this song and the video has been aiding me in my efforts. There is, of course, the song. Beyond being lively, the point of the words is precisely what I need. Then there is the video. Again, beyond merely being exciting and sexy you see a real woman who has to do amazing things, and have done so for decades, to keep in that kind of shape and expel that kind of energy. But too, you see her taking a cab 'in to work'. Just a normal woman, in many ways. She makes decisions and carries through with them. You have to imagine that, often, she doesn't want to. I imagine, somehow, the life she leads off stage. Oddly, I sense no drug use, or booze. She can't afford it, to her mind. I might be wrong, or maybe she did those things at one time if I don't sense that. No, a straight hard worker who enjoys her life but works hard for it. How odd. And the mythology of the band indicates that she wasn't even a singer. She just... started. With a group of guys, in her late teens to early 20's, she just up and... became what she is. From normal to superstar in a minor blink of the eye. Inspiring. All combined it has been driving me forward. I need to find the cd that song is on and own it. After finding a number of jewels from her lithography I had not heard before, and enjoying them madly, I need to add more of her music to my collection I see.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I will do my morning routine, including minor calisthenics, shower and dress properly, get to Mass, call my brother, then pick up my friend and his guns, buy my gun, and then go shopping. Loverly! Sometime in the next week or two I will be taking my friend to Ogden to do some shopping. Since I back down on the medicines I am not nearing feinting when on my feet more than 15 minutes to an half an hour. That was really putting a damper on my affairs. Can I do all those things? Well, maybe. I'm going to 'get up, get out' as she suggests. I won't hang about!

Today was the first day of carrying a concealed firearm. To be honest it felt no differently than yesterday or any other day I have been out. I am a rather confident man, however, so that should be no surprise. If I walk out my door, armed or no, I am ready to live, die, kill, or let live, for the right reasons. If I am not up to the task I won't head out that door. So, yeah, I do feel pressure when leaving. Why do I feel this way? Anybody's guess. But it is real and true and hard. As I wrote on the conceal carry boards I will carry if allowed (if I debate the allowance part, I will abide it in times of mostly lawfulness). I do it as a civic, social, manly, duty. And so it is.

What a wonderful day. If I could just keep it up! You know, KNOW, I want to. Later.

Doing well.

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Today is better than the last two, for whatever reason. Kitty litter has been changed, trash has been collected and such and sits on the curb, recycling has been tended to the outdoor bin though it isn't a recycling day. Brushing, weight, medicine, sweeping (went with litter tending), and a few push-ups and crunches (a new addition to my morning and evening line-up if I can keep it going), and I am just about to have breakfast. Then on to laundry and calling my friend to set up our shoot today. If he cancels I will be free to go to Mass. And, whatever happens, when I get to town I will check on the revolver. All in just a few hours, nice. That Siouxsie and the Banshees song, It's about to happen has gotten me off my posterior I think. Love that, it's new to me.

What else is going on today? I have no idea. The curtains are open and it looks pretty wide open out there. I... I think I want to go out and find something to do. And then I think I want to return and improve my home just a bit, a touch of cleaning. Another window to life has opened up. I'm going to hop on life express for as long as the ticket taker will let me stay.

Get to it yourself, and enjoy it damned it. You only live here once.

Oh, ouch.

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No, it doesn't hurt actually. I did end up staying up a bit later as getting those last chores done was like pulling teeth. And I woke early again, so I feel that rub of being tired. At least that is from natural causes and I will work to move beyond that. I often feel like a paraplegic adult (my mind) trying to get and keep the attention of a very scattered child (my body), then trying to get it to do a few simple things. My body, not because it means to, also tends to try and distract me, and is good at it. I am trying to add things to my daily routine anyway, which is succeeding. Brushing and gargling has been added to the morning and nightly chore list. I miss from time to time, but usually ding it. Weighing in, first thing, medicine, and then taking my blood pressure, are all roughly restarted and moving forward, jerkily. But sometimes, no matter what, just getting my act together to take out the trash, do dishes, or such, is nigh on impossible. Pushing through the nether, I suppose. Still, it is getting done. Just not in the time I would prefer.

I don't know what all is planned. I have to get the trash out shortly, and change the cat litter, possibly put out the recycling bin as well. I am set to take my friend out shooting today, check to see if the .357 is still in the display case, put the dishes to soak, and finish the laundry. I put the last load in the drier last night as a last thing. Bedding. Now would be a good time to change my bedding too, come to think of it. Yes, yes, I will keep trying. Wednesday is my next real shot at Mass. Lord knows I need it like a man who has been lost in the desert needs a water hole. Hmm, to that end, I should also pick up brown, black, good waterproofing polish, and a brush. Perhaps some cloths for polishing and whatever. A mechanic's pack would be good.

A couple of comments D.C. has made, I think, needed a minor response. While with me on the purchase of a new gun, it seems, I thought I should explain a bit more. Since I don't trust them not to, eventually, yank my cwp, I am going to buy the guns on my list, while I can. They have become uppermost until I have the range of firearms I want. My list includes a .357 and 9 mm handgun, a hunting rifle (preferably of the .308 variety), and a main battle rifle(preferably, again, a .308). I have spotted a possible .357 and .308 hunting rifle (I hope it hasn't sold, and I have to look at it first). I might be able to get those this month. That is why guns have preempted other buying.

As for women not liking men touching their feminine, absolutely. But sometimes you just do what you do and set their moaning and complaining aside. If you steal her gold though, mind you, you must repay her in silver and toss in a diamond on top of it. They are terribly efficient horse traders, if not good at knowing the man value of things, so it works. You can't go to far so as to preempt her position or she will try to dethrone you, it is an ugly affair, if women are terrible at war, so is man's capacity to truly damage a woman he loves, or even just a woman, if he is a good man. It is unnatural to war on women. So there are boundaries, but these are very flexible. I was probably short with my answer because I do pretty much any damn thing I want and let women hate it. But that is never free, either, as I suggested with the silver and gold. Siouxsie, again, has a song which indicates women's notion on men and lace, I'll put that up for you. (Yeah, I'm on a Siouxsie bender, hush!)

Confiscate my lace indeed.

Oh, and making a woman angry, while I pretend it is something that causes fear in me, it isn't true. An angry woman is both a happy woman and... in the bag. It helps with her need for drama, as long as you reasonably attend it, but don't get lost in it! If you aren't pissing your woman off, something awful, and often, you aren't doing it right. Not that you have to really try. As a guy, to guys, I would suggest being honest. That will suffice. Women will, in part, always hate you just for the fact that you can get away with telling the truth. God knows, dearly, in the black pit that is sometimes my heart, I enjoy being told... "I... hate you!". Oh, baby, I know you do. I know it. Uhm yummy!

Here is one I had never heard before that I really enjoy. Just morning music though it reminds me of when I finally entered the Church I was called too. Though I knew this before too, when I realized some other things... like I have no right to be alive, statistically. Actually, I might say, I... can't be alive. Never... Mind...

Yeah, sure, I might be delusional. But are you sure you want to bet that way, mortaling?


Have a great day.

Such a struggle.

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Why should doing a few things be so very dearly difficult? One would think, with as hard as it was, that I have moved 10 ton of grain or something. Is a bad heart really that serious? If so, why can I still do some of the stunts I pull off? Why am I still so strong? Anyway. I am finishing the last of the laundry. There wasn't that much, it is just that there were several different types of loads and the washer is slow (slower than the drier to help you understand). I don't really care about the washer being low energy consumption, but I do like that it is easy on my clothes. It makes it worth the time problem.

Early today I brined the chicken in prep for the grill. I thought I would have been finished grilling it by now, but so be it. I salted the beef ribs a bit ago, and will let them sit for an hour before cooking them. It's a little open secret with beef, if you know where to look or hear. I had thought to not grill at all but didn't want to leave the chicken in the brine overnight, so there it is.

I've done a few other assorted things here and there but it has been so difficult to do anything. My mind can't focus, my body has trouble doing, and yet I feel like busting heads and crunching fools! I need a break from my body. It is almost like I am babysitting my sickly flesh, tied to it like a wife to a seriously ill husband or something. I'm stuck. I'll keep working on it. Since I have found some improvement I will give the new medicine dose another week. If I am still in even this higher but insufficient level of function next Monday, I will draw the dose down again. I have things to do! Siouxsie says it best!



Ha! She reminds me of WW. I wonder where Wonder Woman has been lately? I am almost sure she would at least like the sentiment the song evokes.

Something that has been bothering me lately.

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When talking to old friends, should I happen to ask about their sister(s), getting told that they are happy, and married, and with a pained look on their face or in their voice... When it happens often enough, I started getting a bit peeved about it. I was merely asking after their affairs, not looking for their hand in marriage after all. It is not even as if marriage, dating, and the particular friend's sister were even being discussed in anything like close proximity. And, yes, it hurt my feelings a bit. I have been chewing on that this morning for some reason.

Then it hit me. Their reactions suggest two things. One, that they see me as a real contender for their sister's attentions. They must see me as what they would consider attractive to women. The strong scent of fear I get from them is sometimes intense, like a bad fear fart, it fills the room. Next, they must see me as some kind of heart breaker, home-wrecker, or bad apple to be involved with women or they don't think much of their sister(s). Maybe brothers are simply protective of their sisters though too. This has happened some number of times, through time, and most recently again. What is that? Doom is in the area, hide you women folk! Heh. Still bothers me, but at least there is a minor compliment in there. Never mind, if health holds, I'll still get someone's sister. Just you wait and see. Then they'll be sorry! hahaha

It is easy to see why that is galling. I still can't make heads or tales of it though, not fully. Are these not really my friends? Am I that bad of an apple, to men who know me? Perhaps they don't like their sisters? Still mulling while I wake up. Galled and all.

Awake and early again.

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It is just past 4:00 and I have been awake long enough to weigh in, brush and gargle, take my blood pressure, put on some p.j.s, and have some cereal. Nothing fancy but good enough. To actually be doing something right away in the morning, anything, is good. I had just been getting up and going to the computer. I couldn't think beyond that. Well, feeding the kitties, but they sort of help old popo remember. Brats! I am not sure how well I am doing this morning, not yet. I do have some goals for the day.

After two days of unexplainable weight gain, my weight has dropped again. Another two pounds off after gaining eight or nine pounds, ending up ten pounds below the recent high. Don't ask me, I eat and drink about the same, it is merely water weight. I think, when I took my friend out shooting, that since I wasn't near the bathroom, I simply didn't void as I would at home, which gained me about a pound and a half. But the seven pound gain, that I don't understand.

Laundry and dishes. Cleaning the house. Church if I can get my act together in time. After falling so hard and fast yesterday, and that after not being able to get going in the first place well, leaves me a bit leery of being sure of anything. I can only post goals and work toward those. Patience is something I have had to learn to abide. It isn't an option but a reality. My body simply doesn't do what it is told.

Just fidgeting as I figure out my day, life. It is good and I will enjoy it, frustrations and limitations, and whatever else. I am just waiting for the sun so I can open the shades and turn off the lights. Have a great day.