.
.
A few light loads of dishes, some of the snow sweeping, some visitors, bed made, and the missionaries are about to arrive. Oh, and the garbage and recycling barrels have been brought back in. No, not as much as it seems. The sweeping, what of it I completed, was some work. The rest of it was mostly just... doing it. Right, I also made an appointment with my primary. I have a new doctor now though. Who knows how this will work. Never mind, I am no longer seeing a primary for blood pressure and such. Hopefully there will be no arguments. I just need to discuss a fall, a sprained ankle, ear wax removal (toward which I will start using oil to soften it), and a general checkup. They might want to do a blood draw so I will show up early, just in case.
If I can finish the dishes after this next visitor group I will probably take a nap. I would be taking one now but they will be arriving shortly. Oh, I also found the catechism. I had told them I would look for it. Remember how usually what you are looking for you find in the last place you look (if you are sane?). Well, how many times do you find something that is lost in the first place you look? So it was, I found the catechism in the first and last place I looked. I have been looking for it for weeks, before today, too. But today, bam, there it was.
I really wonder if I am dying. As bad as things sometimes get. It is just with as much practice as I have had I am dying well? *grins* Not fast, not hard, without pain mostly, as if I had a death parachute. Whatever the case, even when I am weak, I am enjoying my little life. I just wish I could recharge my batteries a little faster and fuller and that they would take me a little further. No worries. I'll get through it.
Good day.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A good sleep.
.
.
I might have made it up at 9:00, when the alarm went off. But when I went back to bed I went in hard and slept at a weird angle and didn't roll. Ugh. I reset the alarm for 10:30. I got a call sometime before that but couldn't quite get up even then. At 10:30, thankfully, I did wake. I am not sure I will get to much. I have set some things to a fresh soak. If I can just do the dishes I will be happy. Sometime after that and yet today, perhaps, I can have a great meal.
Still a bit cranky, my first 32 ounce glass of fluid has almost gone down. Medicine has been taken. I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth for my routine to be finished. I might get my trash and recycling bins in too, today.
It looks to have snowed lightly again. Perhaps tomorrow, before getting ready for Mass, I might get out and sweep or scoop that. It is just a light snow, powder. I sure hope last night wasn't it. But it might be, for a while. Still, even if I end up getting nothing done I will begin scheduling things. It... usually eventually works, at least as I get better, if I am getting better. No fight dreams in a day or two. I'm catching my breath again.
Later.
.
I might have made it up at 9:00, when the alarm went off. But when I went back to bed I went in hard and slept at a weird angle and didn't roll. Ugh. I reset the alarm for 10:30. I got a call sometime before that but couldn't quite get up even then. At 10:30, thankfully, I did wake. I am not sure I will get to much. I have set some things to a fresh soak. If I can just do the dishes I will be happy. Sometime after that and yet today, perhaps, I can have a great meal.
Still a bit cranky, my first 32 ounce glass of fluid has almost gone down. Medicine has been taken. I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth for my routine to be finished. I might get my trash and recycling bins in too, today.
It looks to have snowed lightly again. Perhaps tomorrow, before getting ready for Mass, I might get out and sweep or scoop that. It is just a light snow, powder. I sure hope last night wasn't it. But it might be, for a while. Still, even if I end up getting nothing done I will begin scheduling things. It... usually eventually works, at least as I get better, if I am getting better. No fight dreams in a day or two. I'm catching my breath again.
Later.
Not quite.
.
.
Not bad either. I have finished two loads of dishes and another is soaking. I will finish that load. Along with a needed shower it seems that I am just about done otherwise. I have pots and pans large storage containers and a roaster to clean yet. I am truly too tired to finish those, bake potatoes, and cook a steak. Tomorrow, perhaps, when I wake up. The good thing is that most of the regular dishes and silverware have been cleaned. Just the annoying large items are left. I may set what of those need it to soak overnight. A fist full of clementines might be my treat for the work. If nothing else I have a huge headstart on what I wanted to do tomorrow.
Even as I tire I feel even better than when I woke. I hope I get some of this tomorrow, I definitely needed at least a minor break from what has been ailing me. I have so much to do, as well, other things. Thankfully, because of the state I was in, I actually have little laundry and only few dishes compared to longer, more serious, falls. If I can just keep up, and I am in line to do that, I will be fine.
Good morning, I suppose. Good night too.
.
Not bad either. I have finished two loads of dishes and another is soaking. I will finish that load. Along with a needed shower it seems that I am just about done otherwise. I have pots and pans large storage containers and a roaster to clean yet. I am truly too tired to finish those, bake potatoes, and cook a steak. Tomorrow, perhaps, when I wake up. The good thing is that most of the regular dishes and silverware have been cleaned. Just the annoying large items are left. I may set what of those need it to soak overnight. A fist full of clementines might be my treat for the work. If nothing else I have a huge headstart on what I wanted to do tomorrow.
Even as I tire I feel even better than when I woke. I hope I get some of this tomorrow, I definitely needed at least a minor break from what has been ailing me. I have so much to do, as well, other things. Thankfully, because of the state I was in, I actually have little laundry and only few dishes compared to longer, more serious, falls. If I can just keep up, and I am in line to do that, I will be fine.
Good morning, I suppose. Good night too.
Well, okay.
.
.
When a window opens, get out. I went to bed at about 21:30. I fell asleep immediately. I had an odd dream. At first I thought it was going to be some kind of horror flick type dream (no worries, my dreams like that are classy, just scary). Nope, it was a dream about a new kind of bug. These people had moved several times, thinking it was the home they lived in. While it was, they carried it with them. I dreamed I was the mister, had a cute wife. But the mister wasn't me (and, no, it wasn't THAT kind of dream). I think we were figuring it out. Anyway, I woke at zero hundred hours on the dot. I think I heard the llama braying, or some other weird noise it makes. Just once. Then again that might have been part of that dream, some other dream, or such.
Since I was awake, I used the facilities. I was not sure if I could go back to bed. Steak? Yes, the notion of eating a steak rolled across my mind. Well, I knew that wasn't going to happen, not with dirty dishes to be washed. Without a thought I found myself in the kitchen loading up a load of dishes to soak and then be washed. If I can get through all, or at least most, of the dishes I will indeed have a steak.
Oh, by the way, trucks, semis, aren't roaring through here all night long anymore. As a fact, I rarely hear one go through. And, a goodly bit ago, when midnight was still early, I noticed why. The police or sheriffs men were on patrol. I think they put a stop to the midnight runs. Good on them. I saw, in my mind, a half-asleep driver running out in front of one, being hit by one of those semis. His vehicle was sent into a house. The semi went on to do serious damage to. Lots of blood and damage and death. At the speed those rigs were going there is no way they could have stopped in time. My mind is at ease now. I swear, I am read by more than I think. It was shortly after writing about this that the police arrived in force.
Since I am up and can't get back to sleep, this works. And more, I really wasn't sure how long before I got to the dishes. While I write down my goals, they are often just hopes. It is always wonderful when I get the chance to work. And I have loved having my home nice and tidy. It still is, mostly. It is a pleasant thing. I don't know if this is a fluke, an early but not lasting event, of if I am beginning to 'thaw' already. I will take what I can get. After dishes, if I still feel like cooking and eating a steak and then do that, I may go right back to bed afterwards and try to get up early and do more tomorrow. Weird how this illness comes and goes.
.
When a window opens, get out. I went to bed at about 21:30. I fell asleep immediately. I had an odd dream. At first I thought it was going to be some kind of horror flick type dream (no worries, my dreams like that are classy, just scary). Nope, it was a dream about a new kind of bug. These people had moved several times, thinking it was the home they lived in. While it was, they carried it with them. I dreamed I was the mister, had a cute wife. But the mister wasn't me (and, no, it wasn't THAT kind of dream). I think we were figuring it out. Anyway, I woke at zero hundred hours on the dot. I think I heard the llama braying, or some other weird noise it makes. Just once. Then again that might have been part of that dream, some other dream, or such.
Since I was awake, I used the facilities. I was not sure if I could go back to bed. Steak? Yes, the notion of eating a steak rolled across my mind. Well, I knew that wasn't going to happen, not with dirty dishes to be washed. Without a thought I found myself in the kitchen loading up a load of dishes to soak and then be washed. If I can get through all, or at least most, of the dishes I will indeed have a steak.
Oh, by the way, trucks, semis, aren't roaring through here all night long anymore. As a fact, I rarely hear one go through. And, a goodly bit ago, when midnight was still early, I noticed why. The police or sheriffs men were on patrol. I think they put a stop to the midnight runs. Good on them. I saw, in my mind, a half-asleep driver running out in front of one, being hit by one of those semis. His vehicle was sent into a house. The semi went on to do serious damage to. Lots of blood and damage and death. At the speed those rigs were going there is no way they could have stopped in time. My mind is at ease now. I swear, I am read by more than I think. It was shortly after writing about this that the police arrived in force.
Since I am up and can't get back to sleep, this works. And more, I really wasn't sure how long before I got to the dishes. While I write down my goals, they are often just hopes. It is always wonderful when I get the chance to work. And I have loved having my home nice and tidy. It still is, mostly. It is a pleasant thing. I don't know if this is a fluke, an early but not lasting event, of if I am beginning to 'thaw' already. I will take what I can get. After dishes, if I still feel like cooking and eating a steak and then do that, I may go right back to bed afterwards and try to get up early and do more tomorrow. Weird how this illness comes and goes.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A better day.
.
.
I was awake a bit this morning, then took a long nap. I have been awake from then on. I am feeling better. Perhaps the cut in medicine, extra sleep, or both, have seen me to better moments. I can promise nothing. I hope tomorrow I may do the dishes. There will be no big meal this week, I simply can't do it. Perhaps I can make it to town and have my friend go out for dinner with me though. I will swear to nothing. I have been sitting in this chair, and only a little else, for the last week or two or three. Memory goes blank, time passes at great speed, and all I have wanted is sleep or wakefulness. Receiving neither I have ghosted through time.
I have not set up an appointment with my general practitioner yet either. Dishes and that would be good. More than that I dare not hope. Friday I hope to make it to Mass. If I do, that would be a good day to have a meal with my friend. Perhaps the purchase of milk and other drinks, oh, and spaghetti for when I can finally cook the meal. Hungry as a bear I have not eaten more than, perhaps, three or four meals in the last few weeks. Can you be too tired to eat? Yes, I think so.
I finished the last of the LotR trilogy, the movies, tonight. Ah, I do remember halflings, after seeing the second movie. Giant folk. That was always something, before LotR books even, that made me laugh. There is much in the books, and as far as movies can go, much in those too. The author understood some fundamental truths and the moviemaker either understood them, or at least saw fit to represent them correctly.
I see at the end Froto and Bilbo must go. They are tainted, I think. They must be taken away so that what was destroyed cannot manifest itself, somehow, through them. I wonder how many people understand that, or believe they do. After war and such there is a high rate of suicide among those who have known it. Perhaps some simply never were made for what they see. If you make it past the first five years, what then? I suppose each has a different path to follow. It may depend what you have left of friends, family, and something else, something personal, something inside. Yes, the author saw much. He knew so very much. But how?
I had hoped to make potatoes and a steak tonight but I think I will pass. Too tired to eat, again. Maybe when the dishes are washed my hunger will return more strongly than my exhaustion. Perhaps just a glass of milk and more sleep. Good night, I think.
.
I was awake a bit this morning, then took a long nap. I have been awake from then on. I am feeling better. Perhaps the cut in medicine, extra sleep, or both, have seen me to better moments. I can promise nothing. I hope tomorrow I may do the dishes. There will be no big meal this week, I simply can't do it. Perhaps I can make it to town and have my friend go out for dinner with me though. I will swear to nothing. I have been sitting in this chair, and only a little else, for the last week or two or three. Memory goes blank, time passes at great speed, and all I have wanted is sleep or wakefulness. Receiving neither I have ghosted through time.
I have not set up an appointment with my general practitioner yet either. Dishes and that would be good. More than that I dare not hope. Friday I hope to make it to Mass. If I do, that would be a good day to have a meal with my friend. Perhaps the purchase of milk and other drinks, oh, and spaghetti for when I can finally cook the meal. Hungry as a bear I have not eaten more than, perhaps, three or four meals in the last few weeks. Can you be too tired to eat? Yes, I think so.
I finished the last of the LotR trilogy, the movies, tonight. Ah, I do remember halflings, after seeing the second movie. Giant folk. That was always something, before LotR books even, that made me laugh. There is much in the books, and as far as movies can go, much in those too. The author understood some fundamental truths and the moviemaker either understood them, or at least saw fit to represent them correctly.
I see at the end Froto and Bilbo must go. They are tainted, I think. They must be taken away so that what was destroyed cannot manifest itself, somehow, through them. I wonder how many people understand that, or believe they do. After war and such there is a high rate of suicide among those who have known it. Perhaps some simply never were made for what they see. If you make it past the first five years, what then? I suppose each has a different path to follow. It may depend what you have left of friends, family, and something else, something personal, something inside. Yes, the author saw much. He knew so very much. But how?
I had hoped to make potatoes and a steak tonight but I think I will pass. Too tired to eat, again. Maybe when the dishes are washed my hunger will return more strongly than my exhaustion. Perhaps just a glass of milk and more sleep. Good night, I think.
It seems good?
.
.
After sleeping most of yesterday, minus the time for two movies and some blogging, I woke this morning, very shortly after the 9:00 alarm. While it seemed like the alarm was going off 'all morning', I was out of bed after only ten minutes of that annoying sound. I have been reading blogs since. Annoyed with myself I have been erasing comments, mostly. I didn't erase all of them, or everywhere. I may stop commenting regarding politics or social issues for a while. Then again I am not seriously interested in reading about those things either.
I did read one thing that pleased me this morning. I saw a convert from soccer to football. You probably know that sports isn't my thing. Sure, and while that is true, there are levels of sports hell. Soccer is in the lowest of hells. It is not only boring, it is stupid enough that almost anyone can play it. It is what socialism does to sports. I love it when a woman says, "But my daughter plays, and is super at it". I so sorely wish to say, "Right, exactly!". But it would be lost on the poor feminized dear lady. She might be a Tea Partier, she might believe she is conservative, but given how much women's sports are subsidized both from the government and men and boy sports, the truth is she isn't half what she thinks. But to see a Brit come to his senses is a wonderful thing. My real problem with sports is that it has become, if it wasn't always, rigged. Whether by players taking drugs, the outcome being set up by Vegas, or other things that are completely contrary to simply playing a stinking game. I remember, with my brother, when we were kids, arguing about wrestling. I would lay $10 down on a bet that he still thinks "pro" wrestling is real. And of course the others sports have to be real, for sure. Ugh. I love my brother, but regarding sports, brother = rock. :p
At least American sports, if simply allowed to be played, are both fun to play and interesting to watch. Soccer? Urhm, no. A socialist game for a socialist mom. Soccer mom, the term, comes from what I just stated and the fact (if just my belief, or not yet proven) that women are skirt socialists, interested more in equality of outcome (minus their children against other children though, but definitely among their children).
Fine, grumpy and complaining this morning. At least I am up. Then again many people don't read the truth that hurts. That's fine, I think... *knock... knock knock* while I have the podium I am quite alone in here. Hello ello ello lo o o o. Yep. *grins* Shut up, it's fun talking in an empty space. Later.
.
After sleeping most of yesterday, minus the time for two movies and some blogging, I woke this morning, very shortly after the 9:00 alarm. While it seemed like the alarm was going off 'all morning', I was out of bed after only ten minutes of that annoying sound. I have been reading blogs since. Annoyed with myself I have been erasing comments, mostly. I didn't erase all of them, or everywhere. I may stop commenting regarding politics or social issues for a while. Then again I am not seriously interested in reading about those things either.
I did read one thing that pleased me this morning. I saw a convert from soccer to football. You probably know that sports isn't my thing. Sure, and while that is true, there are levels of sports hell. Soccer is in the lowest of hells. It is not only boring, it is stupid enough that almost anyone can play it. It is what socialism does to sports. I love it when a woman says, "But my daughter plays, and is super at it". I so sorely wish to say, "Right, exactly!". But it would be lost on the poor feminized dear lady. She might be a Tea Partier, she might believe she is conservative, but given how much women's sports are subsidized both from the government and men and boy sports, the truth is she isn't half what she thinks. But to see a Brit come to his senses is a wonderful thing. My real problem with sports is that it has become, if it wasn't always, rigged. Whether by players taking drugs, the outcome being set up by Vegas, or other things that are completely contrary to simply playing a stinking game. I remember, with my brother, when we were kids, arguing about wrestling. I would lay $10 down on a bet that he still thinks "pro" wrestling is real. And of course the others sports have to be real, for sure. Ugh. I love my brother, but regarding sports, brother = rock. :p
At least American sports, if simply allowed to be played, are both fun to play and interesting to watch. Soccer? Urhm, no. A socialist game for a socialist mom. Soccer mom, the term, comes from what I just stated and the fact (if just my belief, or not yet proven) that women are skirt socialists, interested more in equality of outcome (minus their children against other children though, but definitely among their children).
Fine, grumpy and complaining this morning. At least I am up. Then again many people don't read the truth that hurts. That's fine, I think... *knock... knock knock* while I have the podium I am quite alone in here. Hello ello ello lo o o o. Yep. *grins* Shut up, it's fun talking in an empty space. Later.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Oh, some notions about the movie.
.
.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy was one of my favorites, along with The Hobbit. For some people that is the only old fiction, myth, and mix of such that they know. I myself have read of elves, dwarves, orcs, and all but hobbit before reading the trilogy, plus. I suppose in my previous readings hobbits would be, physically, gnomes. Gnomes, however, were either magical or at least highly intelligent, unlike hobbits. Never mind that part.
I see Gandalf the Grey, as I see things from story and myth, would have been more of a pagan, earth centered, magic user. Somewhere between a high pagan priest and a magic user or wizard. His use of the moth (a very favored symbol of earth type worship, a very pagan symbol) and rocs (very large eagles, give or take) and such. The white wizard, before he was corrupted, would have been more like what we might consider a priest or pastor (albeit, of course, in a world of magic). He would have been about good things, human things, rightfulness and truth. When the holy man is corrupted, the nature magician (commonly known as a druid), must pass through much pain and harrowing war and death to achieve the title of 'white' (or good). Myth and truth mixed in a very nearly magical tale, just unto itself.
The orcs, goblins, and others are known to me. The fighting uruk hai were new to me. I hold much in common with their creation. There are differences too. The differences are greater. This group interests me, as a change in the old school monster paradigm. Evil troops which could move at speed in the daylight. If you are a bit of a war-gamer, imagine having never heard of motorized cavalry, or helicopter cav. The dynamic of those would be... mind expanding on your war board. So too the uruk hai. I was well into myth and legend and history before finally reading the LotR trilogy. These were interesting new elements.
The tale is such a fine mix of myth, legend, history, and wisdom that I am always re-remembering something, connecting new ideas to old, and their ideas to reality. The possibility of destruction, understanding we are on the brink of disaster with only hope to carry us over, knowing that those who could help us, the powerful, must also tend their own greed, avarice, and thirst for power... "Do not tempt me, Froto"! "You offer the ring willingly"? As a people, as little people, we must carry our own weights, our crosses, sometimes, often. We cannot hand them off to others, not without great risk of losing everything else. How few among our leadership know this?
I just had to write just a bit about these things. They are not important. It is just that I have no one else to share them with. Sad thing is, few do. It is a truth of life that we walk through it alone, even if married with a dozen children. It is just that in such cases people are so busy they do not seem to notice. I notice. This is my place to speak in the hopes of more than being heard but being understood.
Good night, I think.
.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy was one of my favorites, along with The Hobbit. For some people that is the only old fiction, myth, and mix of such that they know. I myself have read of elves, dwarves, orcs, and all but hobbit before reading the trilogy, plus. I suppose in my previous readings hobbits would be, physically, gnomes. Gnomes, however, were either magical or at least highly intelligent, unlike hobbits. Never mind that part.
I see Gandalf the Grey, as I see things from story and myth, would have been more of a pagan, earth centered, magic user. Somewhere between a high pagan priest and a magic user or wizard. His use of the moth (a very favored symbol of earth type worship, a very pagan symbol) and rocs (very large eagles, give or take) and such. The white wizard, before he was corrupted, would have been more like what we might consider a priest or pastor (albeit, of course, in a world of magic). He would have been about good things, human things, rightfulness and truth. When the holy man is corrupted, the nature magician (commonly known as a druid), must pass through much pain and harrowing war and death to achieve the title of 'white' (or good). Myth and truth mixed in a very nearly magical tale, just unto itself.
The orcs, goblins, and others are known to me. The fighting uruk hai were new to me. I hold much in common with their creation. There are differences too. The differences are greater. This group interests me, as a change in the old school monster paradigm. Evil troops which could move at speed in the daylight. If you are a bit of a war-gamer, imagine having never heard of motorized cavalry, or helicopter cav. The dynamic of those would be... mind expanding on your war board. So too the uruk hai. I was well into myth and legend and history before finally reading the LotR trilogy. These were interesting new elements.
The tale is such a fine mix of myth, legend, history, and wisdom that I am always re-remembering something, connecting new ideas to old, and their ideas to reality. The possibility of destruction, understanding we are on the brink of disaster with only hope to carry us over, knowing that those who could help us, the powerful, must also tend their own greed, avarice, and thirst for power... "Do not tempt me, Froto"! "You offer the ring willingly"? As a people, as little people, we must carry our own weights, our crosses, sometimes, often. We cannot hand them off to others, not without great risk of losing everything else. How few among our leadership know this?
I just had to write just a bit about these things. They are not important. It is just that I have no one else to share them with. Sad thing is, few do. It is a truth of life that we walk through it alone, even if married with a dozen children. It is just that in such cases people are so busy they do not seem to notice. I notice. This is my place to speak in the hopes of more than being heard but being understood.
Good night, I think.
Sleep.
.
.
Lots of sleep. I woke for a short bit this afternoon. I blogged, I fell. Back to sleep until slightly after 18:00. A bit of food and then a movie. Carolers arrived, quite a nice event. So cold tonight, so brave the singers! I thanked them, and I think I wished them a Merry Christmas. I sure hope I did, I can't remember much these days, and not for long. If I had known they were coming I would have had hot cocoa and warmed cider for them. Yeah, I like the old ways and days. I just can't hop and skip to get something going right at the moment and on the spur of the moment.
I watched the first in The Lord of the Rings series. I might watch another before going back to bed. I am just not doing well.
I suggested trying to cut down on fluid intake. That isn't working well at all. Beside increasing exhaustion I my urine has gone from nearly clear to dark yellow and finally to a brownish (bloody looking) dark yellow. No, I best keep drinking. Perhaps cutting medicines will work. I will begin that regimen this evening. I cut my morning medicine in half a while ago, to great success. I have faltered since then. Perhaps I have taken as much as I can for as long as I can though too. These medicines are brutal, regardless of what the doctors might suggest. What else can I honestly do?
Later or, if possible, good night.
.
Lots of sleep. I woke for a short bit this afternoon. I blogged, I fell. Back to sleep until slightly after 18:00. A bit of food and then a movie. Carolers arrived, quite a nice event. So cold tonight, so brave the singers! I thanked them, and I think I wished them a Merry Christmas. I sure hope I did, I can't remember much these days, and not for long. If I had known they were coming I would have had hot cocoa and warmed cider for them. Yeah, I like the old ways and days. I just can't hop and skip to get something going right at the moment and on the spur of the moment.
I watched the first in The Lord of the Rings series. I might watch another before going back to bed. I am just not doing well.
I suggested trying to cut down on fluid intake. That isn't working well at all. Beside increasing exhaustion I my urine has gone from nearly clear to dark yellow and finally to a brownish (bloody looking) dark yellow. No, I best keep drinking. Perhaps cutting medicines will work. I will begin that regimen this evening. I cut my morning medicine in half a while ago, to great success. I have faltered since then. Perhaps I have taken as much as I can for as long as I can though too. These medicines are brutal, regardless of what the doctors might suggest. What else can I honestly do?
Later or, if possible, good night.
That might work.
.
.
When I fall I often forget I have medicines to tinker with. I have been taking them rather faithfully. I am at a point, however, where my back is against the wall. I need some relief. Fine, if dropping them all at once is not preferred, and restarting them whole hog is just as bad, how about a minor reduction in the medicine I think is the culprit? Okay, fair enough. So that is just what I will do. Instead of a whole carvedilol at night, I will take half of one.
I do wonder how much the season has to do with things? Winters have always been more difficult, summers easier. Perhaps that has just been reactions to medicines though there is enough evidence to indicate my issues are more than just medicine. It seems to happen even when I am taking nothing. I have wondered what living in a tropical "paradise" would do. I think it would boost things for a while, then the reaction would wear off and something else would become the cyclical cause of exhaustion. That would be my guess. I simply have periods where more rest is needed, function is interrupted. I still suspect a rolling 'brown-out' of various organs and tissues as my heart rotates around which parts get what of that which my heart can give. I don't think there is a way, save through something monstrous like a heart transplant, which because of the other factors would kill me even quicker, that would help. If I can't handle the medicines I am on now there is no way I could handle the stuff they would give me after such a Frankenstein thing.
Odd how, even being rather vociferous about something, when I get tired enough I forget that a minor cut in medicine might help me back to function. How can I forget so soon? Then again I am not positive a cut in medicine, at this point, will do anything. It is worth a shot though, to my mind. After 25 years of bad medicine I have given up on any real faith in the field. I am, at this point, just trying to enjoy my last bits of time here, long as that may actually be. I am not in it for longevity. Technically the game is already over. At this point I am merely trying to stay on my feet as long as I can and do some of those little things I like to do. Sleeping all night and still being too tired to do much else all day is not one of my pet projects.
If lowering medicines works it will take a week or two for me to more than just feel better, but to get back to work. I hate the slow road but, after a little research because of the doctor's reaction to my quitting for three days then restarting whole hog, I sort of have a responsibility (when I am capable of choice that is) of not doing that. Both actions truly are potentially lethal. And I am definitely not suicidal. Headstrong, stubborn, ornery, sure, but not that other. Further, I know they are trying to get me put into a ward. Not because I "have issues" but because they believe I could go on full dose of their medicine that way and there is no other way they can get me in for long term care. They can't hospitalize me for three months, not just for my heart or reaction to meds. I realize I have to be careful with these people, even if they are... thinking outside of the box and sort of on my side. It seems both their and my hands are tied, unfortunately. Anyway, a slow reduction it is.
Later or good night.
.
When I fall I often forget I have medicines to tinker with. I have been taking them rather faithfully. I am at a point, however, where my back is against the wall. I need some relief. Fine, if dropping them all at once is not preferred, and restarting them whole hog is just as bad, how about a minor reduction in the medicine I think is the culprit? Okay, fair enough. So that is just what I will do. Instead of a whole carvedilol at night, I will take half of one.
I do wonder how much the season has to do with things? Winters have always been more difficult, summers easier. Perhaps that has just been reactions to medicines though there is enough evidence to indicate my issues are more than just medicine. It seems to happen even when I am taking nothing. I have wondered what living in a tropical "paradise" would do. I think it would boost things for a while, then the reaction would wear off and something else would become the cyclical cause of exhaustion. That would be my guess. I simply have periods where more rest is needed, function is interrupted. I still suspect a rolling 'brown-out' of various organs and tissues as my heart rotates around which parts get what of that which my heart can give. I don't think there is a way, save through something monstrous like a heart transplant, which because of the other factors would kill me even quicker, that would help. If I can't handle the medicines I am on now there is no way I could handle the stuff they would give me after such a Frankenstein thing.
Odd how, even being rather vociferous about something, when I get tired enough I forget that a minor cut in medicine might help me back to function. How can I forget so soon? Then again I am not positive a cut in medicine, at this point, will do anything. It is worth a shot though, to my mind. After 25 years of bad medicine I have given up on any real faith in the field. I am, at this point, just trying to enjoy my last bits of time here, long as that may actually be. I am not in it for longevity. Technically the game is already over. At this point I am merely trying to stay on my feet as long as I can and do some of those little things I like to do. Sleeping all night and still being too tired to do much else all day is not one of my pet projects.
If lowering medicines works it will take a week or two for me to more than just feel better, but to get back to work. I hate the slow road but, after a little research because of the doctor's reaction to my quitting for three days then restarting whole hog, I sort of have a responsibility (when I am capable of choice that is) of not doing that. Both actions truly are potentially lethal. And I am definitely not suicidal. Headstrong, stubborn, ornery, sure, but not that other. Further, I know they are trying to get me put into a ward. Not because I "have issues" but because they believe I could go on full dose of their medicine that way and there is no other way they can get me in for long term care. They can't hospitalize me for three months, not just for my heart or reaction to meds. I realize I have to be careful with these people, even if they are... thinking outside of the box and sort of on my side. It seems both their and my hands are tied, unfortunately. Anyway, a slow reduction it is.
Later or good night.
No sleep.
.
.
I sort of like Bill, Whittle that is. He is interesting to watch, has at least one solid point to put things into perspective, and backs up what he says. Here are several that, well, you decide.
There are more.
.
I sort of like Bill, Whittle that is. He is interesting to watch, has at least one solid point to put things into perspective, and backs up what he says. Here are several that, well, you decide.
There are more.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Trying to smooth out life?
.
.
I think I dreamed again last night, again of fighting. I don't remember much, just what I have written. And I seriously cramped in my lower legs. I am wondering if I have been cramping in my dreams but not remembering it. My possibly sprained ankle... I think the cramps are keeping it from getting better. The pace in my dreams... Being tight all the time, both in sleep and while awake... I am almost surprised, after a week or two of these dreams most nights that I haven't had a heart attack. I must not be as vulnerable to that as I thought.
I was discussing women, and their humor (or as I have suggested lack of it). And, yeah, I do love making women laugh. Even the ones who "hate me". *laughing* Oh, and edgy humor is the absolute best. Getting a woman to break down and almost pee her pants, especially when she tries hard not to (though that mood can make it easier), that is something I really like. Unlike some men, I love a woman with a deep solid sense of humor, too. I don't even mind being one of the targets if she captures my occasional stupidity right. But too, I like to be able to make a woman cry. I like knowing her buttons. Don't tell me you are just 'the funniest woman ever', show me. If I stick with a woman I will know, or learn, how to turn all her various reactions on. She will laugh, oh yes she will. She will cry too, right down to her soul.
Since ignoring the fight themes doesn't seem to fix the problem I am going to try desensitizing. The movie 300 might help. Yesterday it was Screamers (not the silly college ones) and earlier it was Hellboy. I am amazed at how many similarities there are between Hellboy and myself, cutting out the fiction, mostly. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne don't quite cut it. Captain and Commander, Hellboy, and a few others are more amenable to my needs these days. I don't watch sports or boxing in particular anymore. I think too much of it is rigged. Well, on to my show. Then, maybe, if the Lord is willing to give this poor fool a break, on to bed.
Good night.
.
I think I dreamed again last night, again of fighting. I don't remember much, just what I have written. And I seriously cramped in my lower legs. I am wondering if I have been cramping in my dreams but not remembering it. My possibly sprained ankle... I think the cramps are keeping it from getting better. The pace in my dreams... Being tight all the time, both in sleep and while awake... I am almost surprised, after a week or two of these dreams most nights that I haven't had a heart attack. I must not be as vulnerable to that as I thought.
I was discussing women, and their humor (or as I have suggested lack of it). And, yeah, I do love making women laugh. Even the ones who "hate me". *laughing* Oh, and edgy humor is the absolute best. Getting a woman to break down and almost pee her pants, especially when she tries hard not to (though that mood can make it easier), that is something I really like. Unlike some men, I love a woman with a deep solid sense of humor, too. I don't even mind being one of the targets if she captures my occasional stupidity right. But too, I like to be able to make a woman cry. I like knowing her buttons. Don't tell me you are just 'the funniest woman ever', show me. If I stick with a woman I will know, or learn, how to turn all her various reactions on. She will laugh, oh yes she will. She will cry too, right down to her soul.
Since ignoring the fight themes doesn't seem to fix the problem I am going to try desensitizing. The movie 300 might help. Yesterday it was Screamers (not the silly college ones) and earlier it was Hellboy. I am amazed at how many similarities there are between Hellboy and myself, cutting out the fiction, mostly. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne don't quite cut it. Captain and Commander, Hellboy, and a few others are more amenable to my needs these days. I don't watch sports or boxing in particular anymore. I think too much of it is rigged. Well, on to my show. Then, maybe, if the Lord is willing to give this poor fool a break, on to bed.
Good night.
Wha?
.
.
Yes, still awake. And most likely I will be for a while. At least I took care of what was becoming a headache. The trash and recycling was collected, put in the bins, and the bins have been set out for the trucks tomorrow. Yes, the cat litter too. Oh, and I finally remember to get a batch of beans and old hamburger out. Well, at least that took care of the stink from cat litter. I can't smell that anymore. *gag* Just desserts I suppose. Being a cripple gets me no points in my own book on accounts.
I started looking around at woodworking tools. You knowI would almost directly find one of the king of wood working toys, don't you? I also looked over various tools. Some of them are outrageous. I saw minor seeming kits for $250 and up. No, I think I can go a little lower end. Sure, if the hobby began to pay serious money I might look into better tools if they happened to honestly be more than brand expense, such as making better woods easier to carve, hold edges much longer, or such. A couple of carving knives, a wooden mallet, and some stock is all it would take. Oh, and the primary wood, for beginner on up to master is not that expensive either. Mostly. A 10' by 4" by 4" would cost about $42, plus shipping (though I could probably find it locally, a little more expensive but it might negate through shipping costs?). Never mind. It is just something that has been on my mind for some time, in the background. It might lead to a more productive eating of time. I am not sure I have the patience for it though. Here is the machine. What a way to begin adding to the decor of a home. Door panels, inlays, who knows.
I know I would like to tinker more with electronic kits, to actually make useful items and learn. But electronics can be a devastatingly expensive hobby. Getting exactly what you need is much more expensive then getting bundles of stuff, per task. But buying in bundles might mean you get a huge selection of items you might never use. It is difficult to know which way to go with that. I've tinkered before. Now, with television gone, I am looking for something else to do.
I found a neat song while looking around. It reminds me of back when fighting was fun, before people were broken and and nerves became shattered. Bravado, punching, no real consequences. Yeah, this song reminds me a great deal of those early days. Believe it or not it all turned bad by 3rd grade, if I had a few fights after then that I really enjoyed. My favorite fight that I remember was in Greeley, Colorado, well other than the k.o.'s. I was... in the 4rth grade. A 7th grader was picking on my big brother (he always tried to hide that stuff from me, but I usually found out). He was my beat-down-toy (something I greatly regret, mind you). I never liked to share. Anyway, I found the guy after school. Problem is he was with a bunch of kids, or they showed up. Something. I thought I was going to get killed but it was too late. I just hoped I could get some serious smack down on him before I was slaughtered. Nope, they just circled us in and let us go at it. Off school grounds, where adults knew better than to trouble us. I absolutely mashed him. A few days later the principle called him and myself in "for a talk". F', I thought I was going to get kicked out, again. Nope, he just had us shake hands. The guys face, and he was a good bit bigger than me, was bruised everywhere. I did have a minor scratch over my right eye, that was it. *grins* I remember, toward the end of that fight, he went to kick me and just collapsed. Anyway, here is the song.
Can't sleep. It just isn't happening. I don't know if it is the weather, the funk, falling, or what. But my days and nights are inverting again. I'll keep working on it. Good day. Well, actually, good night. Though have a good day when you read this.
.
Yes, still awake. And most likely I will be for a while. At least I took care of what was becoming a headache. The trash and recycling was collected, put in the bins, and the bins have been set out for the trucks tomorrow. Yes, the cat litter too. Oh, and I finally remember to get a batch of beans and old hamburger out. Well, at least that took care of the stink from cat litter. I can't smell that anymore. *gag* Just desserts I suppose. Being a cripple gets me no points in my own book on accounts.
I started looking around at woodworking tools. You knowI would almost directly find one of the king of wood working toys, don't you? I also looked over various tools. Some of them are outrageous. I saw minor seeming kits for $250 and up. No, I think I can go a little lower end. Sure, if the hobby began to pay serious money I might look into better tools if they happened to honestly be more than brand expense, such as making better woods easier to carve, hold edges much longer, or such. A couple of carving knives, a wooden mallet, and some stock is all it would take. Oh, and the primary wood, for beginner on up to master is not that expensive either. Mostly. A 10' by 4" by 4" would cost about $42, plus shipping (though I could probably find it locally, a little more expensive but it might negate through shipping costs?). Never mind. It is just something that has been on my mind for some time, in the background. It might lead to a more productive eating of time. I am not sure I have the patience for it though. Here is the machine. What a way to begin adding to the decor of a home. Door panels, inlays, who knows.
I know I would like to tinker more with electronic kits, to actually make useful items and learn. But electronics can be a devastatingly expensive hobby. Getting exactly what you need is much more expensive then getting bundles of stuff, per task. But buying in bundles might mean you get a huge selection of items you might never use. It is difficult to know which way to go with that. I've tinkered before. Now, with television gone, I am looking for something else to do.
I found a neat song while looking around. It reminds me of back when fighting was fun, before people were broken and and nerves became shattered. Bravado, punching, no real consequences. Yeah, this song reminds me a great deal of those early days. Believe it or not it all turned bad by 3rd grade, if I had a few fights after then that I really enjoyed. My favorite fight that I remember was in Greeley, Colorado, well other than the k.o.'s. I was... in the 4rth grade. A 7th grader was picking on my big brother (he always tried to hide that stuff from me, but I usually found out). He was my beat-down-toy (something I greatly regret, mind you). I never liked to share. Anyway, I found the guy after school. Problem is he was with a bunch of kids, or they showed up. Something. I thought I was going to get killed but it was too late. I just hoped I could get some serious smack down on him before I was slaughtered. Nope, they just circled us in and let us go at it. Off school grounds, where adults knew better than to trouble us. I absolutely mashed him. A few days later the principle called him and myself in "for a talk". F', I thought I was going to get kicked out, again. Nope, he just had us shake hands. The guys face, and he was a good bit bigger than me, was bruised everywhere. I did have a minor scratch over my right eye, that was it. *grins* I remember, toward the end of that fight, he went to kick me and just collapsed. Anyway, here is the song.
Can't sleep. It just isn't happening. I don't know if it is the weather, the funk, falling, or what. But my days and nights are inverting again. I'll keep working on it. Good day. Well, actually, good night. Though have a good day when you read this.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Oh well.
.
.
I actually glided on my path to being to Church on time. With the time plan in place, my shower was taken on time, I dressed and groomed right on schedule. I was about five minutes behind getting into the vehicle. I simply kept forgetting where this was, what I wanted to take with me, then finding that and losing something else in the process, forcing me to stop and remember what I had dropped, then where. Never mind, that was all built in. I had plenty of time. I arrived 20 minutes, plus, early. Dark. All dark. Perhaps, being a campus Church, everyone showed up at the last minute? I entered, found the lights for the vestibule. I peeked into the sanctuary. No lights on in there, either. I decided to wait in the vestibule for others to arrive. I remembered seeing a sign on the door, no Mass December 18, 25, and so on. It... it isn't already December 18th is it? I read through one of remaining pamphlets handed out as Mass lets out from last week. Hum-ho... It... it is December 18th, isn't it. Yeah, it is. So, off with the lights, out the door, and on to what else I had planned. *shrug* And I looked good, too. Not handsome, or even rugged, just dressed up as well as a tank can be. The top of the line of my Sunday best.
I stopped for a sandwich, did a bit of shopping after, then headed home. Catching my reflection I realize I look more like a "pro" than a churchgoer. Oh well. At least my beard covers some of the ugly. And being nearly white, it takes away most of the aggression. I am turning into Santa! One thing of note, even as tired as I am, if I shop at my pace (a jog, at least for women) I don't get tired. I was lugging around two gallons of milk, eight pounds of hamburger, and a half dozen other items in a carry cart. As long as I kept moving at my pace I didn't weary a bit. Weird, that. It seems I only get dizzy when I go at too slow of a pace. I don't understand these things.
I really need to get the trash and recycling out, remembering for sure to get the cat litter changed too. Poor cats, I think this is... three weeks. Yeah, I know, but... I simply couldn't get to it. I'm dying on the vine here. Yeah, I definitely need a checkup. And probably an oil change and a new CPU. Ha!
Good night, if I can figure out how to get to sleep. Well, yes, of course, after tending the cat litter. *of course*
.
I actually glided on my path to being to Church on time. With the time plan in place, my shower was taken on time, I dressed and groomed right on schedule. I was about five minutes behind getting into the vehicle. I simply kept forgetting where this was, what I wanted to take with me, then finding that and losing something else in the process, forcing me to stop and remember what I had dropped, then where. Never mind, that was all built in. I had plenty of time. I arrived 20 minutes, plus, early. Dark. All dark. Perhaps, being a campus Church, everyone showed up at the last minute? I entered, found the lights for the vestibule. I peeked into the sanctuary. No lights on in there, either. I decided to wait in the vestibule for others to arrive. I remembered seeing a sign on the door, no Mass December 18, 25, and so on. It... it isn't already December 18th is it? I read through one of remaining pamphlets handed out as Mass lets out from last week. Hum-ho... It... it is December 18th, isn't it. Yeah, it is. So, off with the lights, out the door, and on to what else I had planned. *shrug* And I looked good, too. Not handsome, or even rugged, just dressed up as well as a tank can be. The top of the line of my Sunday best.
I stopped for a sandwich, did a bit of shopping after, then headed home. Catching my reflection I realize I look more like a "pro" than a churchgoer. Oh well. At least my beard covers some of the ugly. And being nearly white, it takes away most of the aggression. I am turning into Santa! One thing of note, even as tired as I am, if I shop at my pace (a jog, at least for women) I don't get tired. I was lugging around two gallons of milk, eight pounds of hamburger, and a half dozen other items in a carry cart. As long as I kept moving at my pace I didn't weary a bit. Weird, that. It seems I only get dizzy when I go at too slow of a pace. I don't understand these things.
I really need to get the trash and recycling out, remembering for sure to get the cat litter changed too. Poor cats, I think this is... three weeks. Yeah, I know, but... I simply couldn't get to it. I'm dying on the vine here. Yeah, I definitely need a checkup. And probably an oil change and a new CPU. Ha!
Good night, if I can figure out how to get to sleep. Well, yes, of course, after tending the cat litter. *of course*
The lady friend.
.
.
I got a call today. Calls are unusual. It seems her cd player is working again. She is one of those women who can find using a functional toaster complicated. What do you mean I have to plug it in? Why doesn't the bread go down? Isn't it automatic? *sigh* It was one of her more endearing qualities to be honest. It meant that I had some use even though I slept much of the time and had difficulties waking up. I remember many a "It doesn't work! Stupid thing!", and a response along the lines of, sigh, give it here. "NO, I CAN DO IT"! An hour later I would have a pacified by failure woman/girl sidling up to me and asking if I could fix it, or make it work? Sometimes it took a great deal of work to undo her efforts but usually I would just turn it on, maybe plugging it in first, then making her face shine as I made her toy or tool work, or work again. She was definitely an anti-engineering type, a natural. I finally realized she really didn't grok 'things'. She thought I was magic, and because of my politics, probably black magic. *smiles* As with engineering so went her logic, reasoning, understanding of history, and both big and little economic realities. No, and I don't expect most women to be too much different, not from my experience with women. They do have their talents though, she was quite good and prettifying a home.
So, she doesn't need a new cd player, or my new used one. And, really, she sounded pretty weak about the powerball. She wanted it but it didn't sound like she would ever use it. So I won't send either. Money is too tight to send something she just wants about at the same level that I want, especially after such an expensive gift already sent. She did surprise me though. She asked what I wanted. I wasn't sure how much she could afford so I told her about this. If that one is too much, I suggested they have a couple of others, the electronic book would be fine as well, and it is a bit less expensive. She said that, being broke and all, I might not get it in time for Christmas. If you have read here you ought to know by now that I consider every day Christmas. I don't care if it doesn't arrive until July, if I would like it sooner. She should know that by now. On most things I am the most forgiving of people. Just don't be stupid around me, on purpose, in spite of proof. Don't.
Now that I have socks tended, having enough to last me a month and a half even wearing two pairs a day on half of my days and changing them every day, and all wool of various thicknesses I have to begin thinking up other gifts. Little things. I don't have any givers who could quite afford to get me a set of DeWalt 20v power tools, a table saw, a miter saw, or... any big toy. So, what little things could I reasonably ask for? I keep being drawn to the notion of carving. Just little stuff, but on a more serious level. I haven't looked into kits or how-too's, but that might be something to offer people. It might even be cheap. Well, and minor electrical kits, with chips and wires and components. And there are still some blank spaces in my minor tool inventory. Plus they keep coming out with some of the neatest little handyman gadgets. I'm thinking $40 or down to $10, give or take. I come from humble stock, if you know what I mean.
I am trying to cut down on my fluid intake. If I can get it down, perhaps I could cut down on my water pill dose. The thing is I am always, horribly, definitely, thirsty. I can drink 32 ounces in a single sip usually. Drinking doesn't slake the thirst, though. Nothing I have tasted quite cuts the dry in my throat. I am sort of stuck chugging fluid, of any kind. *gulp* *big gulp*
I best start focusing. To be to church by 18:00 I will need to leave here by 17:15 at the latest. I need an half hour to shower, groom and dress, at least if I am in slow mode (which I am). It is 15:45 so I have an hour an half. Ugh. I really just want to sit here and not move. I will do some shopping and buy a drive-through dinner as my gift for getting out, making Mass. Bribes certainly have some impact. And while I am not usually eating at home I can eat out rather more easily if I am not eating all of even that.
Later.
.
I got a call today. Calls are unusual. It seems her cd player is working again. She is one of those women who can find using a functional toaster complicated. What do you mean I have to plug it in? Why doesn't the bread go down? Isn't it automatic? *sigh* It was one of her more endearing qualities to be honest. It meant that I had some use even though I slept much of the time and had difficulties waking up. I remember many a "It doesn't work! Stupid thing!", and a response along the lines of, sigh, give it here. "NO, I CAN DO IT"! An hour later I would have a pacified by failure woman/girl sidling up to me and asking if I could fix it, or make it work? Sometimes it took a great deal of work to undo her efforts but usually I would just turn it on, maybe plugging it in first, then making her face shine as I made her toy or tool work, or work again. She was definitely an anti-engineering type, a natural. I finally realized she really didn't grok 'things'. She thought I was magic, and because of my politics, probably black magic. *smiles* As with engineering so went her logic, reasoning, understanding of history, and both big and little economic realities. No, and I don't expect most women to be too much different, not from my experience with women. They do have their talents though, she was quite good and prettifying a home.
So, she doesn't need a new cd player, or my new used one. And, really, she sounded pretty weak about the powerball. She wanted it but it didn't sound like she would ever use it. So I won't send either. Money is too tight to send something she just wants about at the same level that I want, especially after such an expensive gift already sent. She did surprise me though. She asked what I wanted. I wasn't sure how much she could afford so I told her about this. If that one is too much, I suggested they have a couple of others, the electronic book would be fine as well, and it is a bit less expensive. She said that, being broke and all, I might not get it in time for Christmas. If you have read here you ought to know by now that I consider every day Christmas. I don't care if it doesn't arrive until July, if I would like it sooner. She should know that by now. On most things I am the most forgiving of people. Just don't be stupid around me, on purpose, in spite of proof. Don't.
Now that I have socks tended, having enough to last me a month and a half even wearing two pairs a day on half of my days and changing them every day, and all wool of various thicknesses I have to begin thinking up other gifts. Little things. I don't have any givers who could quite afford to get me a set of DeWalt 20v power tools, a table saw, a miter saw, or... any big toy. So, what little things could I reasonably ask for? I keep being drawn to the notion of carving. Just little stuff, but on a more serious level. I haven't looked into kits or how-too's, but that might be something to offer people. It might even be cheap. Well, and minor electrical kits, with chips and wires and components. And there are still some blank spaces in my minor tool inventory. Plus they keep coming out with some of the neatest little handyman gadgets. I'm thinking $40 or down to $10, give or take. I come from humble stock, if you know what I mean.
I am trying to cut down on my fluid intake. If I can get it down, perhaps I could cut down on my water pill dose. The thing is I am always, horribly, definitely, thirsty. I can drink 32 ounces in a single sip usually. Drinking doesn't slake the thirst, though. Nothing I have tasted quite cuts the dry in my throat. I am sort of stuck chugging fluid, of any kind. *gulp* *big gulp*
I best start focusing. To be to church by 18:00 I will need to leave here by 17:15 at the latest. I need an half hour to shower, groom and dress, at least if I am in slow mode (which I am). It is 15:45 so I have an hour an half. Ugh. I really just want to sit here and not move. I will do some shopping and buy a drive-through dinner as my gift for getting out, making Mass. Bribes certainly have some impact. And while I am not usually eating at home I can eat out rather more easily if I am not eating all of even that.
Later.
No dice.
.
.
In spite of my troubles I set the alarms, and set in my mind, to wake early this morning. The goal was 10:00 Mass. I think I finally rolled out of bed somewhere in around noon. Decidedly after but I am not sure how far after. I had thought about rolling around the clock by staying up all night but I don't have the reserves for that. I will make it to Mass this evening. I have been keeping the Sabbath lately and I mean to keep it that way. My goal is making a Sunday morning Mass, at least several times a month though. It'll happen.
I don't remember dreaming at all last night and the bed doesn't look like bison trekked through it. I am not sure if the perceived troubles are related to the dreams. I can see how they would be. I can also see how they might be totally unrelated. Just because something makes common sense doesn't mean it is correct. Common sense is more sure than science these days but it was never an absolute sure thing.
I am still exhausted. I realize I have been eating very little. I need to fix that, but how? If your body just doesn't feel like food it is difficult to put it in sometimes. Maybe start with smaller bits for meals. Whatever else is going on I do think it is time for a checkup. When I call I will ask if they will do a complete blood check-up, adding in those supplements I am taking. I want to make sure I am not inadvertently overdosing. I also want to make sure I am taking sufficient amounts. When you flood out like I have been, sometimes those vitamins simply don't have time to be absorbed.
Over at Helen's I saw a neat magazine type thing for tinkerers. If you are a typical man/boy, it might be interesting. Even if you have a thousand and one ongoing projects, I almost have to think there might be ideas which could work with those projects. I haven't looked too deeply into them yet, it just looks to have some potential. I don't, therefore, know how practical the projects are, how high end or silly they might be. Some people spend all their available income on things that I certainly wouldn't consider undertaking. Just as some men spend all their money on guns, reloading a dozen calibers, and making a .22 shoot ragged holes at a hundred yards. Still, I have to think that the ideas therein might be worth the risk of the cost of the magazine.
Ugh, if I can just wake up! My awake time has been dim and my sleep has been weak. I can't seem to fully get into either gear. I am sleeping regular, or more, hours. I just can't... I feel like I am running through a swamp. Why can't they just figure out how to give us tuneups? New plugs, an oil change, change the filters, retool the transmission and change that fluid. Yeah. I do worry, perhaps, that the problem with some in the group is me. Am I tainted beyond hope? Then again, I am positive that I am getting put down by a few of those guys. But could that just be how I present or do they read here, or does my reputation precede me in some other way, rightly or wrongly on any or all of that? I don't know. I will deal with it openly and honestly though.
Have a great day!
.
In spite of my troubles I set the alarms, and set in my mind, to wake early this morning. The goal was 10:00 Mass. I think I finally rolled out of bed somewhere in around noon. Decidedly after but I am not sure how far after. I had thought about rolling around the clock by staying up all night but I don't have the reserves for that. I will make it to Mass this evening. I have been keeping the Sabbath lately and I mean to keep it that way. My goal is making a Sunday morning Mass, at least several times a month though. It'll happen.
I don't remember dreaming at all last night and the bed doesn't look like bison trekked through it. I am not sure if the perceived troubles are related to the dreams. I can see how they would be. I can also see how they might be totally unrelated. Just because something makes common sense doesn't mean it is correct. Common sense is more sure than science these days but it was never an absolute sure thing.
I am still exhausted. I realize I have been eating very little. I need to fix that, but how? If your body just doesn't feel like food it is difficult to put it in sometimes. Maybe start with smaller bits for meals. Whatever else is going on I do think it is time for a checkup. When I call I will ask if they will do a complete blood check-up, adding in those supplements I am taking. I want to make sure I am not inadvertently overdosing. I also want to make sure I am taking sufficient amounts. When you flood out like I have been, sometimes those vitamins simply don't have time to be absorbed.
Over at Helen's I saw a neat magazine type thing for tinkerers. If you are a typical man/boy, it might be interesting. Even if you have a thousand and one ongoing projects, I almost have to think there might be ideas which could work with those projects. I haven't looked too deeply into them yet, it just looks to have some potential. I don't, therefore, know how practical the projects are, how high end or silly they might be. Some people spend all their available income on things that I certainly wouldn't consider undertaking. Just as some men spend all their money on guns, reloading a dozen calibers, and making a .22 shoot ragged holes at a hundred yards. Still, I have to think that the ideas therein might be worth the risk of the cost of the magazine.
Ugh, if I can just wake up! My awake time has been dim and my sleep has been weak. I can't seem to fully get into either gear. I am sleeping regular, or more, hours. I just can't... I feel like I am running through a swamp. Why can't they just figure out how to give us tuneups? New plugs, an oil change, change the filters, retool the transmission and change that fluid. Yeah. I do worry, perhaps, that the problem with some in the group is me. Am I tainted beyond hope? Then again, I am positive that I am getting put down by a few of those guys. But could that just be how I present or do they read here, or does my reputation precede me in some other way, rightly or wrongly on any or all of that? I don't know. I will deal with it openly and honestly though.
Have a great day!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Ah, so that's how it will work?
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I have made some decisions about what has been happening in my new group. I will set aside these recent slights. No, I am not being too touchy, either. However, in the future, I will set some limits on how I may be dealt with. If I am given a task I will take it. The limits are that the parameters will be hammered out first. Don't hand me a job then allow all givens to be undone by anyone with a special request. That makes the job simply impossible. To that end I will be doing a group email to see what the majority of the men are interested in actually participating with, and when, after I do the work up on a number of proposals and after running those through the leadership and our priest.
Beyond that, on a personal level, when I find serious problems working with individuals, after speaking with the leadership, I will approach those individuals personally and privately. I will not allow men to slight me without dealing with it. They will have only a small number of choices in how to deal with it. If they have a personal problem that doesn't fit the group dynamics then they will have to either eat it or, if it is legitimate, we will have to work on it. I will not allow weak men to back-stab me and denigrate me through slights or attitude. This is how I warred, it is how I do peace too. Directly.
At least I am feeling like I am going somewhere again. Beat up and tired, ill and feint as I am, I still have teeth. My tongue and mind are much more effective than my fists, if my fists are still lethal. I will no longer allow childish bull shit. No punks, no passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors, no back-biting. I won't put up with it. I am no weakling of this or that way. And, yeah, it feels good to be back in the saddle. I'll ride that bull, have zero doubts. Then I'll cook it, put a fork in it, and eat it. It has been decades since I have had to deal with men, it took a while to sort this out. Actually, not even that long come to think of it. I have only been in the group for around a month and only met those men two or three times. Yeah, well, I used to work a bit faster, if my... methods were slightly different. I didn't have the choices I would have preferred. I suppose God had a reason for that?
This. And, yes, finally these. You know they never did find the head of Leonidas. They wanted to add it to their collection. You don't have to live to win. You don't have to win to succeed. But you do, sometimes, have to fight knowing you will lose.
Someday I might even tell you how I really feel. Yeah, okay, the dreams are back. Fighting all night it seems and remembering all day. Perhaps now that I have plotted a course of action it may help. Perhaps nothing will change until I take action, or even until things are resolved. And they will be if it means walking away from an untenable situation with no support for righteousness.
Good night.
.
I have made some decisions about what has been happening in my new group. I will set aside these recent slights. No, I am not being too touchy, either. However, in the future, I will set some limits on how I may be dealt with. If I am given a task I will take it. The limits are that the parameters will be hammered out first. Don't hand me a job then allow all givens to be undone by anyone with a special request. That makes the job simply impossible. To that end I will be doing a group email to see what the majority of the men are interested in actually participating with, and when, after I do the work up on a number of proposals and after running those through the leadership and our priest.
Beyond that, on a personal level, when I find serious problems working with individuals, after speaking with the leadership, I will approach those individuals personally and privately. I will not allow men to slight me without dealing with it. They will have only a small number of choices in how to deal with it. If they have a personal problem that doesn't fit the group dynamics then they will have to either eat it or, if it is legitimate, we will have to work on it. I will not allow weak men to back-stab me and denigrate me through slights or attitude. This is how I warred, it is how I do peace too. Directly.
At least I am feeling like I am going somewhere again. Beat up and tired, ill and feint as I am, I still have teeth. My tongue and mind are much more effective than my fists, if my fists are still lethal. I will no longer allow childish bull shit. No punks, no passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors, no back-biting. I won't put up with it. I am no weakling of this or that way. And, yeah, it feels good to be back in the saddle. I'll ride that bull, have zero doubts. Then I'll cook it, put a fork in it, and eat it. It has been decades since I have had to deal with men, it took a while to sort this out. Actually, not even that long come to think of it. I have only been in the group for around a month and only met those men two or three times. Yeah, well, I used to work a bit faster, if my... methods were slightly different. I didn't have the choices I would have preferred. I suppose God had a reason for that?
This. And, yes, finally these. You know they never did find the head of Leonidas. They wanted to add it to their collection. You don't have to live to win. You don't have to win to succeed. But you do, sometimes, have to fight knowing you will lose.
Someday I might even tell you how I really feel. Yeah, okay, the dreams are back. Fighting all night it seems and remembering all day. Perhaps now that I have plotted a course of action it may help. Perhaps nothing will change until I take action, or even until things are resolved. And they will be if it means walking away from an untenable situation with no support for righteousness.
Good night.
If nothing else...
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I did get in to see my friend, drill press in arms. He was quite pleased to see the machine. His tooling kit arrived sometime recently as well, a engine turning kit. If he masters that I may ask him to work on some of my guns. Oh, don't know what an engine turning kit is for? Actually I didn't either. I knew the work, just never what the process was called. Here is a video.
I am curious to see how well he gets on with this, how fast he learns. He has worked with metals off and on through his life, from welding to other types of work. He has some knowledge, and opinion, about it. He loves to work with guns too. I almost had to talk him into the drill. He really was like a kid in a candy store when opening it up. Then he turned into a shop class teacher and went right to work on fitting the thing together. I finally got him out shopping, for metal to practice with. We couldn't find much, and what he got probably isn't going to work that well.
While shopping I became dizzy. He likes to stop and look at this and that. And while I do too, from time to time, like a shark I must continue to move or I have problems. I won't call it exhaustion, I am not sure what it is. If I dig in I have to dig in hard or just wait until I can. Recently I am not able to dig in. Yeah, I really need to get in for a general checkup. These yahoos have to have someone else checking on their work or it fails. If nothing else, at least I got out of the house a few days this week. And someone else benefited from it. I certainly hope I can get things back on track soon. As is, Monday, I may ask Father to put me on the list, temporarily, for the Eucharist home delivery. It is embarrassing but I would rather have it even that way then not at all. And being that I am falling, not able to even hear the alarms (all three were set today), or be on time, this seems like the best way. I am definitely falling.
Later or good night.
.
I did get in to see my friend, drill press in arms. He was quite pleased to see the machine. His tooling kit arrived sometime recently as well, a engine turning kit. If he masters that I may ask him to work on some of my guns. Oh, don't know what an engine turning kit is for? Actually I didn't either. I knew the work, just never what the process was called. Here is a video.
I am curious to see how well he gets on with this, how fast he learns. He has worked with metals off and on through his life, from welding to other types of work. He has some knowledge, and opinion, about it. He loves to work with guns too. I almost had to talk him into the drill. He really was like a kid in a candy store when opening it up. Then he turned into a shop class teacher and went right to work on fitting the thing together. I finally got him out shopping, for metal to practice with. We couldn't find much, and what he got probably isn't going to work that well.
While shopping I became dizzy. He likes to stop and look at this and that. And while I do too, from time to time, like a shark I must continue to move or I have problems. I won't call it exhaustion, I am not sure what it is. If I dig in I have to dig in hard or just wait until I can. Recently I am not able to dig in. Yeah, I really need to get in for a general checkup. These yahoos have to have someone else checking on their work or it fails. If nothing else, at least I got out of the house a few days this week. And someone else benefited from it. I certainly hope I can get things back on track soon. As is, Monday, I may ask Father to put me on the list, temporarily, for the Eucharist home delivery. It is embarrassing but I would rather have it even that way then not at all. And being that I am falling, not able to even hear the alarms (all three were set today), or be on time, this seems like the best way. I am definitely falling.
Later or good night.
Just waking.
.
.
It was 14:00, almost exactly, before I realized I was still alive. I slept well, and very long. I don't remember alarms, cats, nothing. I do feel much better, so far. I am hoping the good feeling lasts. I need to get into town, shortly. It would be good to shop while the sun is still up and what warmth comes of it is still available. A quick shower and off to it.
As a Christmas approaches I remember my first non-traditional stories of Santa. I read stories about a man, probably a pagan priest and messenger for the king(s) of old who traveled the winter doing his task. Possibly in the summer too, but it was in the winter when he acted as a sort of Santa. On his way, knowing that people had little in the winter, he would bring gifts to the children of the villages he visited. He was called various things, but the one I first heard was Wōden.
In my mind, from all I have read, I suspect he was a real man, or men really. Wōden may have been the name of the first, or one of the first. And either later became a title so he was known, like the Dread Pirate Roberts, perhaps? If of course for different reasons. It may then have remained a title, entering into the mythic when he, or he and several others, joined to become Odin. Here is a piece that covers some of it, though my sources were stories and mythology and probably differ in various and many ways. It was an interesting myth for me, for a number of reasons. Understand, while I don't abide myth, or paganism, that is all gentiles had until Christ. There is some wisdom to be found in those tales. They weren't all just stories, or ways to understand the incomprehensible, but they too gathered wisdom and set social standards of the time. Another of my favorites was Zeus needing his head cracked open to release Athena. Oh what I can do with that one! Better to have one's head staved in then to have a woman trapped in one's noggin! And much, much more, given my nature. Never you mind.
Well, have a great day. I hope you have gotten to it better and faster than I have?
.
It was 14:00, almost exactly, before I realized I was still alive. I slept well, and very long. I don't remember alarms, cats, nothing. I do feel much better, so far. I am hoping the good feeling lasts. I need to get into town, shortly. It would be good to shop while the sun is still up and what warmth comes of it is still available. A quick shower and off to it.
As a Christmas approaches I remember my first non-traditional stories of Santa. I read stories about a man, probably a pagan priest and messenger for the king(s) of old who traveled the winter doing his task. Possibly in the summer too, but it was in the winter when he acted as a sort of Santa. On his way, knowing that people had little in the winter, he would bring gifts to the children of the villages he visited. He was called various things, but the one I first heard was Wōden.
In my mind, from all I have read, I suspect he was a real man, or men really. Wōden may have been the name of the first, or one of the first. And either later became a title so he was known, like the Dread Pirate Roberts, perhaps? If of course for different reasons. It may then have remained a title, entering into the mythic when he, or he and several others, joined to become Odin. Here is a piece that covers some of it, though my sources were stories and mythology and probably differ in various and many ways. It was an interesting myth for me, for a number of reasons. Understand, while I don't abide myth, or paganism, that is all gentiles had until Christ. There is some wisdom to be found in those tales. They weren't all just stories, or ways to understand the incomprehensible, but they too gathered wisdom and set social standards of the time. Another of my favorites was Zeus needing his head cracked open to release Athena. Oh what I can do with that one! Better to have one's head staved in then to have a woman trapped in one's noggin! And much, much more, given my nature. Never you mind.
Well, have a great day. I hope you have gotten to it better and faster than I have?
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ischial tuberosity?
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So that is what I sit, and fall, on. I went looking for a little dirt about issues dealing with falling on it. Most things simply connect pain and the bone. Problem is I don't have pain. I did see something in there associating stroke with falls, caused by falls. That did catch my attention. While speaking with my lady friend I told her about it. She just said that I am weird in some ways. That's here answer for anything regarding Doom, for her. Bah, women! No help there. While I have been tired all week I haven't been ill nor did I get dizzy when rising quickly until after the fall. It's probably nothing. Still, it would be worth getting checked out. I might have them look at my ankle too. It is still a bit off from pushing that car out of the ditch. The boots I was wearing were warm, they just didn't provide any support or traction. Along with the ear wax clinic and a general checkup, I will be bringing them some business if they might just send me on to a bone doc for some of it, the ear clinic for a part of it, and just scribble something like "The bastard visited, ignored us, told us to relax, said he would follow some instructions (if we have doubts), and flirted with the ladies on the way in and out." Ha! I like being me sometimes.
I will try to get that package together and sent. I am guessing I can send it for less than $20. She is such a beggar. Then again, I really am not using those things I am sending. I know she will use the cd player, and the weaker hand/wrist exerciser more often than I do. I pretty much only use the big one, once I realized I still could use it easily enough. For me it just means less stuff gathering dust. Still, she reminds me of my cats. *meow?* Yeah, sure.
My mind is sort of funky. I was reading the delivery email regarding the Christmas present for my friend, while looking at the calender. Why it didn't make sense right off I can't say. But finally I got it. They were saying it should be outside near my front door... today? Yes, at 17:00 and change, while I was out, it was supposed to have been delivered. I back into my driveway as traffic can be heavy out front and I hate backing into heavy traffic to leave, often half asleep, so I wouldn't have seen it. I just checked, it is indeed here so of course I brought it in. Good thing I am visiting my friend tomorrow. Funny how those things work out just right sometimes, isn't it?
While checking the mail I received a larger than usual letter from the V.A. They want me to join a DNA based health research program. Huh? I can't trust the fuckers with my most intimate notions, without having them squeal like pigs in a way that is illegal in any other system, and they want me to trust them with my DNA profile? Hehehehehellno. God knows what they will do with that for any suckers who offer it up. It wouldn't surprise me if they do it behind my back, but they will NOT get my consent. I may have to check into medicare/medicaid again. Just check how much it would cost. I couldn't believe the gall. Well, okay, I could and did. Still sputtering about it anyway.
Good night.
.
So that is what I sit, and fall, on. I went looking for a little dirt about issues dealing with falling on it. Most things simply connect pain and the bone. Problem is I don't have pain. I did see something in there associating stroke with falls, caused by falls. That did catch my attention. While speaking with my lady friend I told her about it. She just said that I am weird in some ways. That's here answer for anything regarding Doom, for her. Bah, women! No help there. While I have been tired all week I haven't been ill nor did I get dizzy when rising quickly until after the fall. It's probably nothing. Still, it would be worth getting checked out. I might have them look at my ankle too. It is still a bit off from pushing that car out of the ditch. The boots I was wearing were warm, they just didn't provide any support or traction. Along with the ear wax clinic and a general checkup, I will be bringing them some business if they might just send me on to a bone doc for some of it, the ear clinic for a part of it, and just scribble something like "The bastard visited, ignored us, told us to relax, said he would follow some instructions (if we have doubts), and flirted with the ladies on the way in and out." Ha! I like being me sometimes.
I will try to get that package together and sent. I am guessing I can send it for less than $20. She is such a beggar. Then again, I really am not using those things I am sending. I know she will use the cd player, and the weaker hand/wrist exerciser more often than I do. I pretty much only use the big one, once I realized I still could use it easily enough. For me it just means less stuff gathering dust. Still, she reminds me of my cats. *meow?* Yeah, sure.
My mind is sort of funky. I was reading the delivery email regarding the Christmas present for my friend, while looking at the calender. Why it didn't make sense right off I can't say. But finally I got it. They were saying it should be outside near my front door... today? Yes, at 17:00 and change, while I was out, it was supposed to have been delivered. I back into my driveway as traffic can be heavy out front and I hate backing into heavy traffic to leave, often half asleep, so I wouldn't have seen it. I just checked, it is indeed here so of course I brought it in. Good thing I am visiting my friend tomorrow. Funny how those things work out just right sometimes, isn't it?
While checking the mail I received a larger than usual letter from the V.A. They want me to join a DNA based health research program. Huh? I can't trust the fuckers with my most intimate notions, without having them squeal like pigs in a way that is illegal in any other system, and they want me to trust them with my DNA profile? Hehehehehellno. God knows what they will do with that for any suckers who offer it up. It wouldn't surprise me if they do it behind my back, but they will NOT get my consent. I may have to check into medicare/medicaid again. Just check how much it would cost. I couldn't believe the gall. Well, okay, I could and did. Still sputtering about it anyway.
Good night.
Ah, that worked.
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While I have not been able to get going for my own purposes, when someone calls, even when I don't really feel like it, I can get up and go. Maybe it has to do with Christ living in all of us? Tonight it was my friend. He wanted a hand drill. Fair enough. So I slowly pulled my s t into one sock and headed out, in a reasonably short time too. We went to a hardware store, which as most of you know, I am allergic to. Much like I am allergic to women, cats, computers, and beer. Bahahahaha
He also gave me my Christmas present. He didn't need to. It was appreciated. I have been thinking about doing what I finally asked and did tonight to top it off. Oh, a little thing to be sure. But from now on, when I visit, I will see if he needs his trash taken out. I have to imagine that is quite a chore, still in a wheel chair, and through ice and snow. It is simply good to be useful. Oh, he would do the same if the situation was switched. He doesn't think so but he would.
Just getting off my butt has helped. I am still teetering on passing out from time to time. Something is just a wee off. D.C. thinks maybe I displaced my giblets when I fell. He could be right. It still doesn't hurt. It is just that some aspects of my health have become weirdly off-balance. I will call Monday, and set up an appointment with my gp. She doesn't like me. I don't follow orders, or urhm, play doctor like a good little patient. *mme meep* I don't have much trust in coyotes though. *mmee meeeeeep* *boom* *sniggers* Never... mind. Yeah, that might add to grumpiness and hair trigger loose cannon stuff too. No, I don't start fights, mind you. And words wouldn't do it. Say what? Sure she is, but my mom is not THAT old. Oh? I'm that? Yeah, but if it was true, you wouldn't be my type. Size DOES matter. hehe I'm almost as fast with my tongue as I am with my fists and twice as bullet proof.
Well, a bit of mail to read, some blogs to view, and... I don't know after that. Probably good night, if I can get to sleep. Oh, he has asked me to go shopping with him tomorrow. Sounds good, since he has something Monday so I won't be around until Tuesday. And spaghetti dinner sometime next week, later in the week. Friday? Maybe. Friends can be good when one gets stuck.
Good night.
.
While I have not been able to get going for my own purposes, when someone calls, even when I don't really feel like it, I can get up and go. Maybe it has to do with Christ living in all of us? Tonight it was my friend. He wanted a hand drill. Fair enough. So I slowly pulled my s t into one sock and headed out, in a reasonably short time too. We went to a hardware store, which as most of you know, I am allergic to. Much like I am allergic to women, cats, computers, and beer. Bahahahaha
He also gave me my Christmas present. He didn't need to. It was appreciated. I have been thinking about doing what I finally asked and did tonight to top it off. Oh, a little thing to be sure. But from now on, when I visit, I will see if he needs his trash taken out. I have to imagine that is quite a chore, still in a wheel chair, and through ice and snow. It is simply good to be useful. Oh, he would do the same if the situation was switched. He doesn't think so but he would.
Just getting off my butt has helped. I am still teetering on passing out from time to time. Something is just a wee off. D.C. thinks maybe I displaced my giblets when I fell. He could be right. It still doesn't hurt. It is just that some aspects of my health have become weirdly off-balance. I will call Monday, and set up an appointment with my gp. She doesn't like me. I don't follow orders, or urhm, play doctor like a good little patient. *mme meep* I don't have much trust in coyotes though. *mmee meeeeeep* *boom* *sniggers* Never... mind. Yeah, that might add to grumpiness and hair trigger loose cannon stuff too. No, I don't start fights, mind you. And words wouldn't do it. Say what? Sure she is, but my mom is not THAT old. Oh? I'm that? Yeah, but if it was true, you wouldn't be my type. Size DOES matter. hehe I'm almost as fast with my tongue as I am with my fists and twice as bullet proof.
Well, a bit of mail to read, some blogs to view, and... I don't know after that. Probably good night, if I can get to sleep. Oh, he has asked me to go shopping with him tomorrow. Sounds good, since he has something Monday so I won't be around until Tuesday. And spaghetti dinner sometime next week, later in the week. Friday? Maybe. Friends can be good when one gets stuck.
Good night.
Up but not at it.
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Did I get run over by a bus and just forget the incident? I am grumpy too. Oh, and probably a wee paranoid (if I think I am correct about it). Never mind. I set my alarm for 10:30 and woke shortly thereafter. Good thing too, my lady friend called. She wanted to know if I have a spare cd player. Her cd player broke. I asked what was wrong with it, then realized there really, often, isn't a way to fix them anymore, not cost effectively. And, well, even if it was fixable she would not be the woman for the job. As feminist as she is, she has zero manability. Maps, to a degree, she can do (if she isn't looking at it upside down). Most other things... not so much. If my money comes in soon, and I figure everything out financially before long, I may send her mine. I almost never use it. Well, just lets say I really never use it.
We had a good talk otherwise. It was good to hear her, today, for the first time I remember, indicate that as hard as life, money, and whatever can be... that her little life is good. That she likes being alive and enjoys her life. I do pray for her. I have often worried about her becoming suicidal. No, I won't mess with that. I will pray for her, I will tell her I still love her, I will even offer a place here should she retire and have nothing but SS. I won't go into suicide with her. I just track it on the fringes. She would be a great help with the garden. She loves to do that. If she would help with that, and nag me a bit to help, we could grow and store enough food for the year. I could then afford the meats and sundry other food items. She would merely be a housemate too. No funny stuff, I have gone straight as an arrow and she... well, she is she.
I received a call while I was speaking with her. I don't know how to put people on hold, and wouldn't do it anyway (it's rude unless one is in a business setting, as I see things). Yeah, my mother does it all the time, but with her I see it AS business. She does a hundred and one things for a dozen different people. Ugh. I did a reverse look up and came up shy. So I did a area code check. It comes from a place one of the few people I remember from the Navy, a very good friend, originated from. I doubt if he would try to call me, might not even remember me anymore. I was the only guy, when we graduated from boot, who he allowed to dance with his fiancee. And I lent him nearly two months worth of pay so he could fly out and visit her. I even offered advice so they might avoid actual intercourse before they wed (they really wanted to avoid it but weren't sure how). Now my advice was a bit racy, but did the trick. They were married last I heard, say at least 12 to 15 years. With some carpet munchers besides. I doubt it was him. Probably some robo-dialing business wanting money they don't or didn't earn. Then again, no message. I ought to call back and find out who called.
I am feeling a bit better. I am deep to the bone tired though still. Meh, gives me something else to grump about.
Have a good day.
.
Did I get run over by a bus and just forget the incident? I am grumpy too. Oh, and probably a wee paranoid (if I think I am correct about it). Never mind. I set my alarm for 10:30 and woke shortly thereafter. Good thing too, my lady friend called. She wanted to know if I have a spare cd player. Her cd player broke. I asked what was wrong with it, then realized there really, often, isn't a way to fix them anymore, not cost effectively. And, well, even if it was fixable she would not be the woman for the job. As feminist as she is, she has zero manability. Maps, to a degree, she can do (if she isn't looking at it upside down). Most other things... not so much. If my money comes in soon, and I figure everything out financially before long, I may send her mine. I almost never use it. Well, just lets say I really never use it.
We had a good talk otherwise. It was good to hear her, today, for the first time I remember, indicate that as hard as life, money, and whatever can be... that her little life is good. That she likes being alive and enjoys her life. I do pray for her. I have often worried about her becoming suicidal. No, I won't mess with that. I will pray for her, I will tell her I still love her, I will even offer a place here should she retire and have nothing but SS. I won't go into suicide with her. I just track it on the fringes. She would be a great help with the garden. She loves to do that. If she would help with that, and nag me a bit to help, we could grow and store enough food for the year. I could then afford the meats and sundry other food items. She would merely be a housemate too. No funny stuff, I have gone straight as an arrow and she... well, she is she.
I received a call while I was speaking with her. I don't know how to put people on hold, and wouldn't do it anyway (it's rude unless one is in a business setting, as I see things). Yeah, my mother does it all the time, but with her I see it AS business. She does a hundred and one things for a dozen different people. Ugh. I did a reverse look up and came up shy. So I did a area code check. It comes from a place one of the few people I remember from the Navy, a very good friend, originated from. I doubt if he would try to call me, might not even remember me anymore. I was the only guy, when we graduated from boot, who he allowed to dance with his fiancee. And I lent him nearly two months worth of pay so he could fly out and visit her. I even offered advice so they might avoid actual intercourse before they wed (they really wanted to avoid it but weren't sure how). Now my advice was a bit racy, but did the trick. They were married last I heard, say at least 12 to 15 years. With some carpet munchers besides. I doubt it was him. Probably some robo-dialing business wanting money they don't or didn't earn. Then again, no message. I ought to call back and find out who called.
I am feeling a bit better. I am deep to the bone tired though still. Meh, gives me something else to grump about.
Have a good day.
Can't sleep.
.
.
Very tired. My heart hurts a bit. I have a headache. Occasionally I have a fever. I can't eat much and it cause me... lower g.i. problems when I do. I am weak, lack concentration, and feel ill. When I eat I end up needing to use the facilities shortly thereafter. I don't know if I am dying, going through the flu or something (though it seems too mild at the moment for the flu), or have something else going on. I doubt much will be done for a few days. The cats are even treating my oddly. For the first time since they have become 'mine' they are almost avoiding me. Hmph.
I have been taking my medicines, just filled the med-set again tonight. I have been eating and drinking up to specs until today, mostly. I have continued to void well and often. I have been losing traction lately. I simply don't know. At almost 3:40 I am, again, for the third time tonight, going to try and sleep. Bad juju-bees. It is at times like these where I notice how close to death I can get. While I do have things I really want to do it would be a blessing of sorts. I definitely hope I die before they decide to recycle me... or worse.
Never mind. I'll grump through until I can get back to work. At least I can do some things via email. Good night, I hope.
.
Very tired. My heart hurts a bit. I have a headache. Occasionally I have a fever. I can't eat much and it cause me... lower g.i. problems when I do. I am weak, lack concentration, and feel ill. When I eat I end up needing to use the facilities shortly thereafter. I don't know if I am dying, going through the flu or something (though it seems too mild at the moment for the flu), or have something else going on. I doubt much will be done for a few days. The cats are even treating my oddly. For the first time since they have become 'mine' they are almost avoiding me. Hmph.
I have been taking my medicines, just filled the med-set again tonight. I have been eating and drinking up to specs until today, mostly. I have continued to void well and often. I have been losing traction lately. I simply don't know. At almost 3:40 I am, again, for the third time tonight, going to try and sleep. Bad juju-bees. It is at times like these where I notice how close to death I can get. While I do have things I really want to do it would be a blessing of sorts. I definitely hope I die before they decide to recycle me... or worse.
Never mind. I'll grump through until I can get back to work. At least I can do some things via email. Good night, I hope.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It's not a matter of will.
.
.
I've been hoping something would happen today. I slept well, and long. I took a goodly nap. I had visitors to boost my moral. One of the neighbor ladies even brought over some Christmas cheer in the form of cookies! And yet nothing was happening. I have been able to stay awake, read bits and pieces (reading a book is much different from reading even a twenty paragraph piece if even some of those are beyond me often). Other than that nothing was happening.
I thought would play with my cats. So I got down on all fours, as close to eye level as possible. I enjoyed the goofing but they weren't in the mood. As I was getting up I nearly passed out. Just the simple effort. I then panted like a dog for five minutes. No, my body is in trouble. Something is missing, gone, temporarily lacking. I helped shovel snow the other night, and that was fine. Though I have had some trouble this week doing much. But it really is a simple biomechanical problem. I have to get over the fact that it isn't about will, always.
I hope to stay up another hour or two, get a good night of sleep, and try again tomorrow. I would like to say I understand Job. The problem is I was never a good man. I can't even say I am a good man now. I can only say I try to be. Not a nice man, not a friendly man, not an easy man, just that I try to do God's will as I understand it and as I may. So, at least I deserve this, as much as any man can. And it does bring humility, if more mechanical than otherwise. How can you be too prideful when getting up wears you out? *grins* Odd, but I would still be able to fight. God works in mysterious ways to be sure. Though I hope that is done for me. How can you hate what you love to do? That is fighting for me. I've kept all my teeth through literal scores of fights. I hope to die with all of them (save wisdom teeth which submarine duty required to be removed). Bah!
Good night.
.
I've been hoping something would happen today. I slept well, and long. I took a goodly nap. I had visitors to boost my moral. One of the neighbor ladies even brought over some Christmas cheer in the form of cookies! And yet nothing was happening. I have been able to stay awake, read bits and pieces (reading a book is much different from reading even a twenty paragraph piece if even some of those are beyond me often). Other than that nothing was happening.
I thought would play with my cats. So I got down on all fours, as close to eye level as possible. I enjoyed the goofing but they weren't in the mood. As I was getting up I nearly passed out. Just the simple effort. I then panted like a dog for five minutes. No, my body is in trouble. Something is missing, gone, temporarily lacking. I helped shovel snow the other night, and that was fine. Though I have had some trouble this week doing much. But it really is a simple biomechanical problem. I have to get over the fact that it isn't about will, always.
I hope to stay up another hour or two, get a good night of sleep, and try again tomorrow. I would like to say I understand Job. The problem is I was never a good man. I can't even say I am a good man now. I can only say I try to be. Not a nice man, not a friendly man, not an easy man, just that I try to do God's will as I understand it and as I may. So, at least I deserve this, as much as any man can. And it does bring humility, if more mechanical than otherwise. How can you be too prideful when getting up wears you out? *grins* Odd, but I would still be able to fight. God works in mysterious ways to be sure. Though I hope that is done for me. How can you hate what you love to do? That is fighting for me. I've kept all my teeth through literal scores of fights. I hope to die with all of them (save wisdom teeth which submarine duty required to be removed). Bah!
Good night.
I am sure of it.
.
.
I am not well liked. I don't know what is known about me but there is plenty to not like. My Papist notions, my disregard for certain "political stances" (which are contrary to my first stance), my disregard for academia, my belief in tradition, my past life from fighting to more personal matters. I think, even saying that my heart is in the final stages of failure is considered a brag. Or that I have been dead several times, that is considered a brag. Further, I just state what is on my mind. I don't think first. And if questioned I will answer. Usually painfully truthfully. Sure, I have lied. And, sometimes I remember what I am about and refrain or redirect or suggest the topic is not appropriate.
This is part of why I preferred to stay separate for a long time. I am giving things a chance. If it doesn't work out I will return to being a solo act. Who knows where people get their information, what information they get, or how accurate it is. I just know that some things are running through the group like firewater. I will continue to do the best I can. I am not sure how much I am being set up for failure though. I've been here many times before. I have been hated often. For all I know it is deserved. If I think otherwise. Beyond, hate shouldn't be a part of men of God. It is not the way. It means there is a severe failure. I guess all a guy can do is pray and leave it in God's hands?
It is interesting to see a presidential candidate come out for the troops. Santorum is the only one so far, if that might change? In this article, the problems for returning vets is discussed. What is not discussed is that for veterans who do seek help there is a very strong chance that they will gain a negative FBI case file, precluding them from ever buying firearms, and possibly having other implications (such as losing their children should their spouse die?). When you have been filed as incompetent everything is possible toward taking away your rights. And there is no clear way to fight that. With 18 veterans taking their own lives daily, a system that will remove their rights should they seek assistance (they did that to me), and the 18 number being below the real number since only 16 states track the veteran suicide rates, I hope he can move someone to do something?
I sometimes wonder why God keeps me here. Statistically I almost can't still be alive. All He would have to do is let go. I guess He likes annoying other people. For my part, at this time... I'm sort of enjoying it. *grins* And don't go thinking just because I am old and broken that you might have a chance. Don't throw that punch, don't backbite me, don't do it. God has a way, even when it isn't me. He... likes me... in a very odd way. *snap* He has broken more of my enemies than I have. *crackle* Brag? Just the facts.
Just... some things lingering on my mind.
.
I am not well liked. I don't know what is known about me but there is plenty to not like. My Papist notions, my disregard for certain "political stances" (which are contrary to my first stance), my disregard for academia, my belief in tradition, my past life from fighting to more personal matters. I think, even saying that my heart is in the final stages of failure is considered a brag. Or that I have been dead several times, that is considered a brag. Further, I just state what is on my mind. I don't think first. And if questioned I will answer. Usually painfully truthfully. Sure, I have lied. And, sometimes I remember what I am about and refrain or redirect or suggest the topic is not appropriate.
This is part of why I preferred to stay separate for a long time. I am giving things a chance. If it doesn't work out I will return to being a solo act. Who knows where people get their information, what information they get, or how accurate it is. I just know that some things are running through the group like firewater. I will continue to do the best I can. I am not sure how much I am being set up for failure though. I've been here many times before. I have been hated often. For all I know it is deserved. If I think otherwise. Beyond, hate shouldn't be a part of men of God. It is not the way. It means there is a severe failure. I guess all a guy can do is pray and leave it in God's hands?
It is interesting to see a presidential candidate come out for the troops. Santorum is the only one so far, if that might change? In this article, the problems for returning vets is discussed. What is not discussed is that for veterans who do seek help there is a very strong chance that they will gain a negative FBI case file, precluding them from ever buying firearms, and possibly having other implications (such as losing their children should their spouse die?). When you have been filed as incompetent everything is possible toward taking away your rights. And there is no clear way to fight that. With 18 veterans taking their own lives daily, a system that will remove their rights should they seek assistance (they did that to me), and the 18 number being below the real number since only 16 states track the veteran suicide rates, I hope he can move someone to do something?
I sometimes wonder why God keeps me here. Statistically I almost can't still be alive. All He would have to do is let go. I guess He likes annoying other people. For my part, at this time... I'm sort of enjoying it. *grins* And don't go thinking just because I am old and broken that you might have a chance. Don't throw that punch, don't backbite me, don't do it. God has a way, even when it isn't me. He... likes me... in a very odd way. *snap* He has broken more of my enemies than I have. *crackle* Brag? Just the facts.
Just... some things lingering on my mind.
Strange days.
.
.
I made it until noon then crashed like a wingless airplane. The missionaries woke me, but all a good thing. We discussed some things. My problem, for them, is that I am suspicious of the BoM. Further, there is no external history. I have many books to read in prep for a study of their book and I am doing good to pump out a book every few months. If I could do it, I would read a couple books a day. I simply can't. I have to wait for a window of opportunity to open before I can begin digging in. If I don't, and forge on ahead, I simply forget what I just read so that the book is mush as to understanding. Too tired to concentrate on characters, plots, sub-plots, angles, and such. Mush.
I sent off a number of emails regarding work coming up. I received one email back already, letting me off the hook. I had offered to give a three minute speech for recruiting purposes. It seems most of the audience will be women, therefore not as rich for recruiting as I had hoped. The other email involves several things. I need to get a recruiting schtick down, find and print posters, and such. There is a district meeting coming up, and I would like to go. I simply need to know how much that would cost before deciding whether I can finagle my way to it. And finally, I need thought and mechanical resources for setting up a group meal. Everything I had thought were parameters have been shot down, leaving me with a blank slate together with a new hugely widened open book. I am having to learn on the fly.
On the good side, having the missionaries over woke me. I seem to be ready to get to work, after a little more consciousness building. My body seems ready. I still have dishes from the meal yesterday. Sweeping and mopping are on the list. And finally the bathrooms need cleaned, more by calender than anything though. I might, if I decide to do dishes, toss in some laundry while I am at it.
Tomorrow I plan to make it to Mass. Perhaps after that a visit to the city clerk to do court case research. After that, whatever I didn't finish today here at home. I also, sometime, today or tomorrow, should get to clearing off the bit of snow that seems to be lingering. It is light and fluffy, that which hasn't been crushed under boot or wheel. I can probably use the big broom to clear most of it. With most of it gone the sun might just cook off the frozen bits with the tar road under acting as an intensifier.
I hope your day is going well.
.
I made it until noon then crashed like a wingless airplane. The missionaries woke me, but all a good thing. We discussed some things. My problem, for them, is that I am suspicious of the BoM. Further, there is no external history. I have many books to read in prep for a study of their book and I am doing good to pump out a book every few months. If I could do it, I would read a couple books a day. I simply can't. I have to wait for a window of opportunity to open before I can begin digging in. If I don't, and forge on ahead, I simply forget what I just read so that the book is mush as to understanding. Too tired to concentrate on characters, plots, sub-plots, angles, and such. Mush.
I sent off a number of emails regarding work coming up. I received one email back already, letting me off the hook. I had offered to give a three minute speech for recruiting purposes. It seems most of the audience will be women, therefore not as rich for recruiting as I had hoped. The other email involves several things. I need to get a recruiting schtick down, find and print posters, and such. There is a district meeting coming up, and I would like to go. I simply need to know how much that would cost before deciding whether I can finagle my way to it. And finally, I need thought and mechanical resources for setting up a group meal. Everything I had thought were parameters have been shot down, leaving me with a blank slate together with a new hugely widened open book. I am having to learn on the fly.
On the good side, having the missionaries over woke me. I seem to be ready to get to work, after a little more consciousness building. My body seems ready. I still have dishes from the meal yesterday. Sweeping and mopping are on the list. And finally the bathrooms need cleaned, more by calender than anything though. I might, if I decide to do dishes, toss in some laundry while I am at it.
Tomorrow I plan to make it to Mass. Perhaps after that a visit to the city clerk to do court case research. After that, whatever I didn't finish today here at home. I also, sometime, today or tomorrow, should get to clearing off the bit of snow that seems to be lingering. It is light and fluffy, that which hasn't been crushed under boot or wheel. I can probably use the big broom to clear most of it. With most of it gone the sun might just cook off the frozen bits with the tar road under acting as an intensifier.
I hope your day is going well.
Nothing truly special.
.
.
Getting up at (or near) 9:30 this morning was a good sign. I always worry when I go through a few days of not being able to rise at a reasonable hour, or even within reason. When I go dark, and lose all real controls over sleep, I then begin losing control over everything else. I end up in a psychic no-man's-land. What I do I cannot remember, what happens around me I cannot see, my actions become more like reactions, it is a horrible place. It is, in part, why I don't remember so very much of my life I think. It wasn't all about my heart, though that has some play in my adult life. How can you remember if your brain doesn't receive enough oxygen? But some of it was due to the extreme nature of things that made me who I am. After remembering some of it though, I really don't have much interest in learning more.
I am just barely awake though. All good, when I fall into a funk, getting out of it is something like getting out of a tar pit. With my feet back on solid ground, I am still surrounded by goo. I will have to slowly and painfully get back to the shore, hoping no threat to my exit appears. Just getting out of the muck will take much of my energy.
Never mind all that. I am indeed awake, my mind is almost working to minimal levels, and I have things to do. After waking I will begin taking care of the cat litter, then sweeping, and if I still have something left I will mop. Perhaps, if I can get that all done and there remains even more time, I may begin cleaning the bathrooms. It isn't much but what else is there? The work would be almost monumental at this stage. And I can do it at home, for free, and remain in my pajamas if I must. I definitely need to wake more though, first.
Oh, for those who thought China was going to replace the US, Europe, or anyone else at the top of the heap? Yeah, not so much. Their economy is tanking and their own property bubble is bursting. Proof, or more proof, that the US or Europe or whoever is still empire based? Nah, just that this fight is far from over. What used to be land wars have become economic wars, to my mind anyway.
Get to it! Good day.
.
Getting up at (or near) 9:30 this morning was a good sign. I always worry when I go through a few days of not being able to rise at a reasonable hour, or even within reason. When I go dark, and lose all real controls over sleep, I then begin losing control over everything else. I end up in a psychic no-man's-land. What I do I cannot remember, what happens around me I cannot see, my actions become more like reactions, it is a horrible place. It is, in part, why I don't remember so very much of my life I think. It wasn't all about my heart, though that has some play in my adult life. How can you remember if your brain doesn't receive enough oxygen? But some of it was due to the extreme nature of things that made me who I am. After remembering some of it though, I really don't have much interest in learning more.
I am just barely awake though. All good, when I fall into a funk, getting out of it is something like getting out of a tar pit. With my feet back on solid ground, I am still surrounded by goo. I will have to slowly and painfully get back to the shore, hoping no threat to my exit appears. Just getting out of the muck will take much of my energy.
Never mind all that. I am indeed awake, my mind is almost working to minimal levels, and I have things to do. After waking I will begin taking care of the cat litter, then sweeping, and if I still have something left I will mop. Perhaps, if I can get that all done and there remains even more time, I may begin cleaning the bathrooms. It isn't much but what else is there? The work would be almost monumental at this stage. And I can do it at home, for free, and remain in my pajamas if I must. I definitely need to wake more though, first.
Oh, for those who thought China was going to replace the US, Europe, or anyone else at the top of the heap? Yeah, not so much. Their economy is tanking and their own property bubble is bursting. Proof, or more proof, that the US or Europe or whoever is still empire based? Nah, just that this fight is far from over. What used to be land wars have become economic wars, to my mind anyway.
Get to it! Good day.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A very tough day.
.
.
I finally did do the few dishes and moved everything to vacuum then vacuumed. I have been dragging today. It has all been a heck of a strain. I haven't checked my blood pressure but it feels like it has been high. I went ahead with dinner though. Next week I am going to make spaghetti and meat sauce with a side of cottage cheese. That is a much easier meal to make. I am not sure which day to have it. I suppose that will depend on my schedule and when my friend would like to visit.
With the vacuuming done, dinner kicked out, the laundry and bedding finished, I just have sweeping and mopping where applicable and the bathrooms to kick out. Tomorrow is a all home all day deal. But if tomorrow is like today I will be lucky to get much done. I pressed it because I had promised someone a meal.
I filled the tank and bought a few more groceries. From what is left in that account I paid my local utility bill. That leaves just enough for another tank of gas until the other utility returns the overpay. That will give me about $400 for the month. Something is still off. As I said, I intend to shave a few bills back to get a bit more money in savings. I hate living on the edge like this. Hopefully, as other bills come in, I will make better sense of things.
Tired, ill, and just cranky around the edges. That is the way of things from time to time, in good and bad health. At least I had a decent meal.
Good night.
.
I finally did do the few dishes and moved everything to vacuum then vacuumed. I have been dragging today. It has all been a heck of a strain. I haven't checked my blood pressure but it feels like it has been high. I went ahead with dinner though. Next week I am going to make spaghetti and meat sauce with a side of cottage cheese. That is a much easier meal to make. I am not sure which day to have it. I suppose that will depend on my schedule and when my friend would like to visit.
With the vacuuming done, dinner kicked out, the laundry and bedding finished, I just have sweeping and mopping where applicable and the bathrooms to kick out. Tomorrow is a all home all day deal. But if tomorrow is like today I will be lucky to get much done. I pressed it because I had promised someone a meal.
I filled the tank and bought a few more groceries. From what is left in that account I paid my local utility bill. That leaves just enough for another tank of gas until the other utility returns the overpay. That will give me about $400 for the month. Something is still off. As I said, I intend to shave a few bills back to get a bit more money in savings. I hate living on the edge like this. Hopefully, as other bills come in, I will make better sense of things.
Tired, ill, and just cranky around the edges. That is the way of things from time to time, in good and bad health. At least I had a decent meal.
Good night.
Oh wouch.
.
.
I was to bed before midnight. That usually allows me to wake and get off to at least a decent start. I simply could not rise today. I set the alarm, initially, for 8:00. I reset it for 10:00, then noon. I finally just turned the damned thing off, waking a bit before 13:00. Still tired, a bit cranky mood-wise, I sit here trying to wake up. I've been through the blogs. I hope my comments haven't been too stupid, have too many misspellings, or been too off-track or off-key. I never know.
I have dinner planned for this evening. I have a few dishes I would like to do up, but I do mean just a few. I had hoped to clean up more of my home this morning but there isn't time and I am not making it to wakefulness fast enough to get to much. I have been doing much work, comparative to the very recent days, but far less than the month before my recent fall. Perhaps I just did too much too fast as I came back into the game. I will keep on it though, if and when I can.
Bother! I'll get a shower shortly. Perhaps that will help. If I can do a few things so be it. Vacuuming would be nice, sweeping (at least, maybe mopping) would be good. I just can't focus, wake up, think. I think, at least for me, my heart function is variable. Either that or it passes function around to various parts. Without the right set of parts getting the little bit of oxygen/energy production needed, I simply can't do as much? Yeah, possibly. I wish I could at least know and plan, or even have some input into the scheduling. As is I just have to hope I can do what I need to do when I need to do it and live with the consequences should it all fail. Unless my heart improves up to 50% to 70% of function I doubt if much will change. A minor improvement would probably only extend my life a bit. Then again I have been living with a heart that absolutely should have failed by now. Life isn't in our, or the world's, hands. Life is a God thing. One of the things I know about God is that we cannot understand. Thus goes life.
One last thing. I had quit weighing myself daily because it had become very frustrating. I had already consumed a half gallon of fluids, something which usually makes me not want to weigh in. I decided to forgo my usual method and stepped on the scale. I am down to 274, twenty pounds off my recent high, dressed save for shoes, and with an half gallon of Gatorade down my gullet. My goal is 265, plus or hopefully minus a few pounds. At that point I would like to more seriously begin to exercise. Since I build muscle very quickly I will do measurements, along with weight, to check my progress. My weight goes haywire when I begin working out, even just a bit. Three months of working out, the last time I did it seriously, saw me gain 50 pounds. I lost some fat (around my middle where it all seems to go) too. I could tell by pants and underwear fit. But it is difficult to track what is coming off and what is going on, at least by weight alone. Ten pounds and I am going to try and hit it again, and hit it as hard as I can. I might see if there is a pool in Logan which would allow a dying man a chance to redeem himself.
Have a good one. Later.
.
I was to bed before midnight. That usually allows me to wake and get off to at least a decent start. I simply could not rise today. I set the alarm, initially, for 8:00. I reset it for 10:00, then noon. I finally just turned the damned thing off, waking a bit before 13:00. Still tired, a bit cranky mood-wise, I sit here trying to wake up. I've been through the blogs. I hope my comments haven't been too stupid, have too many misspellings, or been too off-track or off-key. I never know.
I have dinner planned for this evening. I have a few dishes I would like to do up, but I do mean just a few. I had hoped to clean up more of my home this morning but there isn't time and I am not making it to wakefulness fast enough to get to much. I have been doing much work, comparative to the very recent days, but far less than the month before my recent fall. Perhaps I just did too much too fast as I came back into the game. I will keep on it though, if and when I can.
Bother! I'll get a shower shortly. Perhaps that will help. If I can do a few things so be it. Vacuuming would be nice, sweeping (at least, maybe mopping) would be good. I just can't focus, wake up, think. I think, at least for me, my heart function is variable. Either that or it passes function around to various parts. Without the right set of parts getting the little bit of oxygen/energy production needed, I simply can't do as much? Yeah, possibly. I wish I could at least know and plan, or even have some input into the scheduling. As is I just have to hope I can do what I need to do when I need to do it and live with the consequences should it all fail. Unless my heart improves up to 50% to 70% of function I doubt if much will change. A minor improvement would probably only extend my life a bit. Then again I have been living with a heart that absolutely should have failed by now. Life isn't in our, or the world's, hands. Life is a God thing. One of the things I know about God is that we cannot understand. Thus goes life.
One last thing. I had quit weighing myself daily because it had become very frustrating. I had already consumed a half gallon of fluids, something which usually makes me not want to weigh in. I decided to forgo my usual method and stepped on the scale. I am down to 274, twenty pounds off my recent high, dressed save for shoes, and with an half gallon of Gatorade down my gullet. My goal is 265, plus or hopefully minus a few pounds. At that point I would like to more seriously begin to exercise. Since I build muscle very quickly I will do measurements, along with weight, to check my progress. My weight goes haywire when I begin working out, even just a bit. Three months of working out, the last time I did it seriously, saw me gain 50 pounds. I lost some fat (around my middle where it all seems to go) too. I could tell by pants and underwear fit. But it is difficult to track what is coming off and what is going on, at least by weight alone. Ten pounds and I am going to try and hit it again, and hit it as hard as I can. I might see if there is a pool in Logan which would allow a dying man a chance to redeem himself.
Have a good one. Later.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Made it on time this time.
.
.
To the KoC meeting. The meetings are pretty much business oriented, but with some food. It was my first meeting, of course. I have not, to this point, been a joiner. So the whole dynamic was new to me. Several officers for the club were there, and many of the new members plus a few long time members. We passed several resolutions regarding this or that. I volunteered to take point on recruiting. I also set forth what I had gained from my visit with Father regarding a KoC meal once a month. I had a few ideas but the group had even more that what I had. My simple version was shot down in flames, I took down three more notions regarding the concept, and I was sent back to the drawing board. I will need to speak with Father, again. I sort of feel like a pinball in the machines of old. This won't be a fast process. No worries, you have to learn to do these things. Getting knocked down is the first part of getting back up. There are several gentlemen I will need to contact for a number of things, from recruiting, to several meal projects, to a upcoming state level meeting.
I checked my mail on the way home. It seems I have been overpaying my cellphone to the tune of a month's costs. That doesn't help me a great deal but it does mean next month I get a vacation from paying that. It is a nice little chunk of change too. I will be checking my bills as they come in. I know I could cut some bills a bit, as I seriously overpay (usually somewhere in the range of 400% to 500% over required credit requirements). I might back those off long enough to get a minor nestegg going again.
If I get the home credit back, before long, I will pay off two of the bigger bills and put the rest in savings until I get ready to do something, definitively. I do need to do the research required to know if I should do a small claim court lawsuit or not. Yeah, yeah, I know. But with so many things coming down on my head right now, and pulling lame from time to time, it becomes difficult to stay focused.
I did much of what I wanted, save the cleaning. Tomorrow is free for cleaning until supper, probably around 16:00 to 17:00. Beef chuck roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, and... something else tomorrow. You know, I haven't had "fresh" spinach in some time. My friend won't eat it. His loss. Of course that means a bottle of apple vinegar. I just can't quite do spinach without it. Butter, salt, and pepper doesn't quite cut it. That works for brussels sprouts and cabbage, but not for leafy greens, not for me anyway. Kale would be okay, but I think I need to work back up to that. So, fresh steamed spinach will do nicely. We don't do desserts, either. No room by that time. And I have some beer. Both of us enjoy a bottle or two with dinner or before. If nothing else at least I have enough food for the month, mostly. If I just eat... a... little... slower. Ha!
I still don't hurt from that fall. Every bit of my 280 pounds came right down on the edge of that left butt bone blade. I was absolutely sure that was going to hurt. Bah, I can't beg for sympathy, more so since I must have just looked silly. Flying through the air with the greatest of ease. It's good to know my bones, and even meat, are still in good stead though. Crazy.
Good night.
.
To the KoC meeting. The meetings are pretty much business oriented, but with some food. It was my first meeting, of course. I have not, to this point, been a joiner. So the whole dynamic was new to me. Several officers for the club were there, and many of the new members plus a few long time members. We passed several resolutions regarding this or that. I volunteered to take point on recruiting. I also set forth what I had gained from my visit with Father regarding a KoC meal once a month. I had a few ideas but the group had even more that what I had. My simple version was shot down in flames, I took down three more notions regarding the concept, and I was sent back to the drawing board. I will need to speak with Father, again. I sort of feel like a pinball in the machines of old. This won't be a fast process. No worries, you have to learn to do these things. Getting knocked down is the first part of getting back up. There are several gentlemen I will need to contact for a number of things, from recruiting, to several meal projects, to a upcoming state level meeting.
I checked my mail on the way home. It seems I have been overpaying my cellphone to the tune of a month's costs. That doesn't help me a great deal but it does mean next month I get a vacation from paying that. It is a nice little chunk of change too. I will be checking my bills as they come in. I know I could cut some bills a bit, as I seriously overpay (usually somewhere in the range of 400% to 500% over required credit requirements). I might back those off long enough to get a minor nestegg going again.
If I get the home credit back, before long, I will pay off two of the bigger bills and put the rest in savings until I get ready to do something, definitively. I do need to do the research required to know if I should do a small claim court lawsuit or not. Yeah, yeah, I know. But with so many things coming down on my head right now, and pulling lame from time to time, it becomes difficult to stay focused.
I did much of what I wanted, save the cleaning. Tomorrow is free for cleaning until supper, probably around 16:00 to 17:00. Beef chuck roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, and... something else tomorrow. You know, I haven't had "fresh" spinach in some time. My friend won't eat it. His loss. Of course that means a bottle of apple vinegar. I just can't quite do spinach without it. Butter, salt, and pepper doesn't quite cut it. That works for brussels sprouts and cabbage, but not for leafy greens, not for me anyway. Kale would be okay, but I think I need to work back up to that. So, fresh steamed spinach will do nicely. We don't do desserts, either. No room by that time. And I have some beer. Both of us enjoy a bottle or two with dinner or before. If nothing else at least I have enough food for the month, mostly. If I just eat... a... little... slower. Ha!
I still don't hurt from that fall. Every bit of my 280 pounds came right down on the edge of that left butt bone blade. I was absolutely sure that was going to hurt. Bah, I can't beg for sympathy, more so since I must have just looked silly. Flying through the air with the greatest of ease. It's good to know my bones, and even meat, are still in good stead though. Crazy.
Good night.
A bit of checking.
.
.
I only went through a few utilities and checked my accounts. For some reason I had to pay $250 to Comcast. Whatever else, I have dumped all but the internet from them. I do not know how, paying $180 a month after catching up that last time, I am still behind, even after paying them $250 this month. I will have to call them. One of my utilities had about $500 in overpayment, the other is simply on track I believe. The overpaid utility will be sending me a large return but keeping a chunk for the bill next month and sending me a form which will make payments more automatic, and on a yearly average. There are other payments I need to check, but for now that is good. Something is seriously wrong, somehow.
I did get my internet access to my local bank going. It seems when they asked me to change my password it didn't take. And since I kept trying to use what I had thought was my new password (actually, I am sure I got through on the seemingly rejected password shortly after changing to it, anyway) my access was terminated. They had to reset it and I had to go back to my old password.
I am going to need to go through every bill I am paying. I usually like to pay very heavily on some things. That is part of it, but? Comcast has been a disaster for me. It will take a bit to fix them. But in the mean time, from vender and bank, I now have $70 in overdraft/returned check fees. I have put enough over to pay for the water/local utility fees, and will pay a bill that is being rejected as soon as money arrives from the utility I was overpaying. This is going to be a mess until I get it all straightened out. Thankfully though I am getting to it. Just a little too late to not have a mess on my hands.
I am dressed and read for the meeting tonight. I will check though, in an hour, to see if I need to shower again. I won't go through a possible embarrassment like with the dinner. It sucks to be living in a failing body sometimes, but that is where it is at. Now, it is rare that I have that, and usually after some serious physical exertion. Perhaps it is even normal, come to think of it. Still... Bah!
Later and good day.
.
I only went through a few utilities and checked my accounts. For some reason I had to pay $250 to Comcast. Whatever else, I have dumped all but the internet from them. I do not know how, paying $180 a month after catching up that last time, I am still behind, even after paying them $250 this month. I will have to call them. One of my utilities had about $500 in overpayment, the other is simply on track I believe. The overpaid utility will be sending me a large return but keeping a chunk for the bill next month and sending me a form which will make payments more automatic, and on a yearly average. There are other payments I need to check, but for now that is good. Something is seriously wrong, somehow.
I did get my internet access to my local bank going. It seems when they asked me to change my password it didn't take. And since I kept trying to use what I had thought was my new password (actually, I am sure I got through on the seemingly rejected password shortly after changing to it, anyway) my access was terminated. They had to reset it and I had to go back to my old password.
I am going to need to go through every bill I am paying. I usually like to pay very heavily on some things. That is part of it, but? Comcast has been a disaster for me. It will take a bit to fix them. But in the mean time, from vender and bank, I now have $70 in overdraft/returned check fees. I have put enough over to pay for the water/local utility fees, and will pay a bill that is being rejected as soon as money arrives from the utility I was overpaying. This is going to be a mess until I get it all straightened out. Thankfully though I am getting to it. Just a little too late to not have a mess on my hands.
I am dressed and read for the meeting tonight. I will check though, in an hour, to see if I need to shower again. I won't go through a possible embarrassment like with the dinner. It sucks to be living in a failing body sometimes, but that is where it is at. Now, it is rare that I have that, and usually after some serious physical exertion. Perhaps it is even normal, come to think of it. Still... Bah!
Later and good day.
Ouch? Not so much.
.
.
I couldn't get going to take care of business this morning. But I thought I left in time to make it to Mass. And, generally, that would have been true. It has been and still is snowing. Traffic is moving much more slowly. Add to that I got behind a bus, which was driving even slower than general traffic, and then decided to stop and transfer staff from another bus to the one I was following in the middle of the highway, and I simply wasn't going to make it on time. So I just went into town, picked up the milk my friend had requested, and took it up to him.
I am still having trouble waking enough to get to business. I have some time left to try and do that though. Oh, I slipped and fell getting into my vehicle today. It wasn't a light or easy or well controlled fall. I landed, full weight, on my left pelvis bone. I knew, just knew, something would break. *Wham!* Nothing. It didn't even hurt. I still don't hurt from it. As you age you always worry about that next fall. I guess I am... not as old as I thought? I simply got back up, slowly, brushed off the snow, got in the X, and drove on out. What do you know?
Oh, reading the local news I hit on something that is way too funny. As I have always suggested, I believe men and women can't really be friends. Some college kids, I believe, delved into the notion. Was it purely scientific, is it absolutely true? I don't know, but I think they, for me, buttoned the thing up. The only reason the thing, to my mind, is even considered a mystery is that women, on some things, absolutely refuse to face reality. Well, and they like to have as many men interested in them as possible.
I should get to making some calls. Have a great day.
.
I couldn't get going to take care of business this morning. But I thought I left in time to make it to Mass. And, generally, that would have been true. It has been and still is snowing. Traffic is moving much more slowly. Add to that I got behind a bus, which was driving even slower than general traffic, and then decided to stop and transfer staff from another bus to the one I was following in the middle of the highway, and I simply wasn't going to make it on time. So I just went into town, picked up the milk my friend had requested, and took it up to him.
I am still having trouble waking enough to get to business. I have some time left to try and do that though. Oh, I slipped and fell getting into my vehicle today. It wasn't a light or easy or well controlled fall. I landed, full weight, on my left pelvis bone. I knew, just knew, something would break. *Wham!* Nothing. It didn't even hurt. I still don't hurt from it. As you age you always worry about that next fall. I guess I am... not as old as I thought? I simply got back up, slowly, brushed off the snow, got in the X, and drove on out. What do you know?
Oh, reading the local news I hit on something that is way too funny. As I have always suggested, I believe men and women can't really be friends. Some college kids, I believe, delved into the notion. Was it purely scientific, is it absolutely true? I don't know, but I think they, for me, buttoned the thing up. The only reason the thing, to my mind, is even considered a mystery is that women, on some things, absolutely refuse to face reality. Well, and they like to have as many men interested in them as possible.
I should get to making some calls. Have a great day.
Very good.
.
.
Waking is sort of like coming in for a landing. Lately landings have been off course, on rough terrain, with little good cause save I was out of the 'fuel' of being able to stay 'aloft', or had to force myself down for a number of reasons. Today was no different in some regards. When the alarm went off at 8:00 I reset it for 9:00 then headed back to bed. But with everything I need or want to do today I simply got back up after a few moments of thought, even after getting snuggled back in. The waking ended up as not such a bad thing. A bowl of cereal for breakfast, the furnace being pushed up a bit to break the morning chill, blogging rounds to begin shortly, after blogging myself. I left the alarm reset for 9:00 as a reminder that I have things to do. I may reset it to 10:00 if I am not quite ready to tackle things yet. Hey, I'm a gimp. This really is as good as it gets. This IS my Olympian effort.
I know I dreamed last night. Just normal seeming stuff from what I could remember. Even what little I could remember through the night and waking is disappearing faster than a morning fog under the rays of a bright sunny day. I worry about thinking of dreams too much, like the ouija board or horoscope readings, dream readings (even, or especially from the pseudo-science that is "therapy" often) is just another crank thing too often. Regardless of what they say about Lincoln, all you need to know is that some significant part of him was ruled by his wife and his wife was ruled by charlatans. She had clearly gone insane, probably before he became president. That... never bodes well or ends well. While I have no power as most think of it, I have the power of one. Let no man tell you that is insignificant. Tend that power rightly.
Oh, today? Right. Lots of calls to businesses I have on auto-pay. I need to see who I have been overpaying, by how much, and if I can get some of that back. Then to reset my online banking, again, again, again, then change those payments. Life has become a brutal thing recently. It seems while I rise to tend this thing here, that thing over there becomes a problem. Never am I to find peace. Then again Moses didn't get to see the promised land but from afar after all his work. I suppose I really shouldn't complain. Then again, I am ready for peace. I would gladly trade Moses his rest so that he could have gone on. But such seems not to be God's will, and that is all I am about these days. Some will be sent to walk through fire, others will be kept from seeing peace. Then again the children of Israel knew no peace. Perhaps Moses was less cursed than he may have known? Never mind, I have things to do until my time of peace is finally granted.
Yes, business, then on to Mass, then to taking my friend a gallon of milk, and perhaps having him take some pictures... hmm, maybe I could run those by Jean... SIZED DOWN perhaps? lols Oh yes, I read you loud and clear, even if I wasn't the culprit. Then a bit of cleaning if I have a bit of time, or resting if needed, then on to the KoC meeting tonight. It sure makes for a busy day, at least in my world. And yet I want to push for more. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the ability to push hard enough for it to be fatal. My body simply betrays me when I push to far. It seems to have built in limits I can't touch.
On to reading. Have a great day.
.
Waking is sort of like coming in for a landing. Lately landings have been off course, on rough terrain, with little good cause save I was out of the 'fuel' of being able to stay 'aloft', or had to force myself down for a number of reasons. Today was no different in some regards. When the alarm went off at 8:00 I reset it for 9:00 then headed back to bed. But with everything I need or want to do today I simply got back up after a few moments of thought, even after getting snuggled back in. The waking ended up as not such a bad thing. A bowl of cereal for breakfast, the furnace being pushed up a bit to break the morning chill, blogging rounds to begin shortly, after blogging myself. I left the alarm reset for 9:00 as a reminder that I have things to do. I may reset it to 10:00 if I am not quite ready to tackle things yet. Hey, I'm a gimp. This really is as good as it gets. This IS my Olympian effort.
I know I dreamed last night. Just normal seeming stuff from what I could remember. Even what little I could remember through the night and waking is disappearing faster than a morning fog under the rays of a bright sunny day. I worry about thinking of dreams too much, like the ouija board or horoscope readings, dream readings (even, or especially from the pseudo-science that is "therapy" often) is just another crank thing too often. Regardless of what they say about Lincoln, all you need to know is that some significant part of him was ruled by his wife and his wife was ruled by charlatans. She had clearly gone insane, probably before he became president. That... never bodes well or ends well. While I have no power as most think of it, I have the power of one. Let no man tell you that is insignificant. Tend that power rightly.
Oh, today? Right. Lots of calls to businesses I have on auto-pay. I need to see who I have been overpaying, by how much, and if I can get some of that back. Then to reset my online banking, again, again, again, then change those payments. Life has become a brutal thing recently. It seems while I rise to tend this thing here, that thing over there becomes a problem. Never am I to find peace. Then again Moses didn't get to see the promised land but from afar after all his work. I suppose I really shouldn't complain. Then again, I am ready for peace. I would gladly trade Moses his rest so that he could have gone on. But such seems not to be God's will, and that is all I am about these days. Some will be sent to walk through fire, others will be kept from seeing peace. Then again the children of Israel knew no peace. Perhaps Moses was less cursed than he may have known? Never mind, I have things to do until my time of peace is finally granted.
Yes, business, then on to Mass, then to taking my friend a gallon of milk, and perhaps having him take some pictures... hmm, maybe I could run those by Jean... SIZED DOWN perhaps? lols Oh yes, I read you loud and clear, even if I wasn't the culprit. Then a bit of cleaning if I have a bit of time, or resting if needed, then on to the KoC meeting tonight. It sure makes for a busy day, at least in my world. And yet I want to push for more. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the ability to push hard enough for it to be fatal. My body simply betrays me when I push to far. It seems to have built in limits I can't touch.
On to reading. Have a great day.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Straightened out then not.
.
.
My friend called. His new leg will be in tomorrow. He has gained weight and the original one no longer fits. A good thing though, as he had dropped to 130 pounds at roughly 6'. Even with his leg and foot removed, that was far too thin. Further, his leg has finally healed, a definite worry as that was probably the same type of infection that took his leg and half of his foot before that. So they recast his leg last week now that his leg is healed and he can begin learning to walk again, and the finished product is in. So no dinner tonight for my reasons and no dinner tomorrow for his reasons. Wednesday will be the dinner night. It worked out well too, tomorrow will evening is the first Knights of Columbus meeting, in the early evening. I had forgotten about it, so when I figured everything out and the group email arrived I simply smiled. Sometimes it all just works out.
However, my money problems are really becoming serious. I should have several (three and change) hundred left over in my local account and even more in my out-of-state account. For whatever reason I am seriously out of money. I keep having my accounts become blocked when I try to access them online, for no good reason that I can tell. Yes, it does make me suspicious. I have changed nothing in the last several months so nothing should be different. I know one of my utility accounts has been overpaid, by now well over $500. It might not be the only one. There for a while I had been having difficulties with auto-pay through my bank, so I lifted my minimums to cover, catch up, and then some, perhaps too much. But that still doesn't account for the local account being so low. I did spend about $100 this month from that account, but that shouldn't be a problem. Now I am in trouble with the local water board because of a bounced check. Further, and before that, I am being told that I don't have enough to pay one of my normal bills. Huh? I will have to dig into this, it is totally wrong somewhere. Embarrassing too. No, I'll fix it.
Perhaps even before Mass I will start making calls to the utilities. I must make a great effort to get up and then become awake enough to do this work. I am going to have to ask for the excess back, then find out what my payments should be, then reset those. Then, when I figure out what I need to pay, I will have to call my bank and reset my internet access, then set those payments up correctly. I also need to see where that money is going. There is no way I should only have a few hundred per month to live on. Something is really off.
I am going to finish the laundry this evening and do the dishes from today. Tomorrow, after doing business and going to Mass, if there is time, I will get to vacuuming and sweeping. And my friend wants me to buy a gallon of milk for him after Mass. Wednesday, since I should have nothing in the day, I will clean the bathrooms. Not top-notch work, but it suffices for a bachelor. My friend thinks my cleaning is good, so there.
Oh, I best figure out how to get someone to take some pictures. What is, so I have heard, holding up interest in me on the Catholic dating site is the want of pictures. They want to make sure I am... human. Or something. So be it, but who could I get to take pictures? Perhaps I could have some of the Knights take some photos. And maybe the woman who cuts my hair. With four or five from each, perhaps I can find a few to put up. And, yeah, there are some women who are otherwise interested.
Every time I think I have things going just right something else comes up. Oh, I'll figure it out. For now, tonight, I must just stew about it. That might put some umph in my work tomorrow. I'll get on it, right on it. Good night.
.
My friend called. His new leg will be in tomorrow. He has gained weight and the original one no longer fits. A good thing though, as he had dropped to 130 pounds at roughly 6'. Even with his leg and foot removed, that was far too thin. Further, his leg has finally healed, a definite worry as that was probably the same type of infection that took his leg and half of his foot before that. So they recast his leg last week now that his leg is healed and he can begin learning to walk again, and the finished product is in. So no dinner tonight for my reasons and no dinner tomorrow for his reasons. Wednesday will be the dinner night. It worked out well too, tomorrow will evening is the first Knights of Columbus meeting, in the early evening. I had forgotten about it, so when I figured everything out and the group email arrived I simply smiled. Sometimes it all just works out.
However, my money problems are really becoming serious. I should have several (three and change) hundred left over in my local account and even more in my out-of-state account. For whatever reason I am seriously out of money. I keep having my accounts become blocked when I try to access them online, for no good reason that I can tell. Yes, it does make me suspicious. I have changed nothing in the last several months so nothing should be different. I know one of my utility accounts has been overpaid, by now well over $500. It might not be the only one. There for a while I had been having difficulties with auto-pay through my bank, so I lifted my minimums to cover, catch up, and then some, perhaps too much. But that still doesn't account for the local account being so low. I did spend about $100 this month from that account, but that shouldn't be a problem. Now I am in trouble with the local water board because of a bounced check. Further, and before that, I am being told that I don't have enough to pay one of my normal bills. Huh? I will have to dig into this, it is totally wrong somewhere. Embarrassing too. No, I'll fix it.
Perhaps even before Mass I will start making calls to the utilities. I must make a great effort to get up and then become awake enough to do this work. I am going to have to ask for the excess back, then find out what my payments should be, then reset those. Then, when I figure out what I need to pay, I will have to call my bank and reset my internet access, then set those payments up correctly. I also need to see where that money is going. There is no way I should only have a few hundred per month to live on. Something is really off.
I am going to finish the laundry this evening and do the dishes from today. Tomorrow, after doing business and going to Mass, if there is time, I will get to vacuuming and sweeping. And my friend wants me to buy a gallon of milk for him after Mass. Wednesday, since I should have nothing in the day, I will clean the bathrooms. Not top-notch work, but it suffices for a bachelor. My friend thinks my cleaning is good, so there.
Oh, I best figure out how to get someone to take some pictures. What is, so I have heard, holding up interest in me on the Catholic dating site is the want of pictures. They want to make sure I am... human. Or something. So be it, but who could I get to take pictures? Perhaps I could have some of the Knights take some photos. And maybe the woman who cuts my hair. With four or five from each, perhaps I can find a few to put up. And, yeah, there are some women who are otherwise interested.
Every time I think I have things going just right something else comes up. Oh, I'll figure it out. For now, tonight, I must just stew about it. That might put some umph in my work tomorrow. I'll get on it, right on it. Good night.
Knock knock.
.
.
Who is there? Oh, right, the missionaries! In spite of my thinking, they arrived to go to Mass with me today. I had forgotten about that. After having worked all night to get those last bits in order, and in spite of hoping to make it to Mass, I must have, finally, at some point, turned off the alarm. At 11:20, right through some dream, I started hearing the doorbell and knocking.
Up as fast as I could, wearing pajamas still, I let them in. I knew, after I woke enough to get up, what it was about. I had them wait in my living room while I ripped through brushing my teeth, showering, then dressing. I haven't moved that fast in... a very long time. We just made it to Mass. From waking through all the process to be ready took all of ten minutes, max. *zoom* All good.
Afterward I had promised a meal. But my finances being in disarray I asked if they minded if I simply fixed a meal. That was fine with them. So I made them what I made myself the other day, beef with gravy, heated hard rolls, and whatever they wanted to drink from what I had. I even asked if they minded if I spiced it just a touch. That was fine too. And, again, the meal satisfied. My bet is that they will be full for a bit.
During the drive back and the meal prep we discussed various things. Some questions about the Church, some things I knew some things I don't know or have forgotten. I really need to find my catechism. While not complete, it offers specific points more in depth than what I can usually recall off-hand. There are some other resources I have been meaning to get as well, for them but for me as well.
Oh, and I came clean with them. They want me to read the book of Mormon. But along with my issues including not knowing the source and being a bit skiddish that way, the other thing is I have a dozen other religious and another dozen political and economic books on my list. I have a difficult time settling down or gearing up to read. Chesterton, Aquinas, and a dozen other Catholic writers are pulling me to read them, I just... It is slow going. Once I get to those, and after several books on general Christian then Catholic specific apologetic tomes, I have a number of other books on my list, to include the book of Mormon. I am not sure I have that much life in me, considering how long it takes me to get through what I have. I don't just read a book. I read it with the intent to fully understand. I argue with the book, I try to see what the author sees and understand what he means, even if I disagree with him. Not so much the bible. I try to read that openly, when I read it whole. I then come back with questions in a second reading or in actual study. The thing is I lied and got caught. I hate lying, and getting caught is what should remind me not to lie.
What else today? Not sure. I have been running on pure adrenaline. Perhaps a nap to allow for a regular waking? Yeah, maybe. Good day.
.
Who is there? Oh, right, the missionaries! In spite of my thinking, they arrived to go to Mass with me today. I had forgotten about that. After having worked all night to get those last bits in order, and in spite of hoping to make it to Mass, I must have, finally, at some point, turned off the alarm. At 11:20, right through some dream, I started hearing the doorbell and knocking.
Up as fast as I could, wearing pajamas still, I let them in. I knew, after I woke enough to get up, what it was about. I had them wait in my living room while I ripped through brushing my teeth, showering, then dressing. I haven't moved that fast in... a very long time. We just made it to Mass. From waking through all the process to be ready took all of ten minutes, max. *zoom* All good.
Afterward I had promised a meal. But my finances being in disarray I asked if they minded if I simply fixed a meal. That was fine with them. So I made them what I made myself the other day, beef with gravy, heated hard rolls, and whatever they wanted to drink from what I had. I even asked if they minded if I spiced it just a touch. That was fine too. And, again, the meal satisfied. My bet is that they will be full for a bit.
During the drive back and the meal prep we discussed various things. Some questions about the Church, some things I knew some things I don't know or have forgotten. I really need to find my catechism. While not complete, it offers specific points more in depth than what I can usually recall off-hand. There are some other resources I have been meaning to get as well, for them but for me as well.
Oh, and I came clean with them. They want me to read the book of Mormon. But along with my issues including not knowing the source and being a bit skiddish that way, the other thing is I have a dozen other religious and another dozen political and economic books on my list. I have a difficult time settling down or gearing up to read. Chesterton, Aquinas, and a dozen other Catholic writers are pulling me to read them, I just... It is slow going. Once I get to those, and after several books on general Christian then Catholic specific apologetic tomes, I have a number of other books on my list, to include the book of Mormon. I am not sure I have that much life in me, considering how long it takes me to get through what I have. I don't just read a book. I read it with the intent to fully understand. I argue with the book, I try to see what the author sees and understand what he means, even if I disagree with him. Not so much the bible. I try to read that openly, when I read it whole. I then come back with questions in a second reading or in actual study. The thing is I lied and got caught. I hate lying, and getting caught is what should remind me not to lie.
What else today? Not sure. I have been running on pure adrenaline. Perhaps a nap to allow for a regular waking? Yeah, maybe. Good day.
So close.
.
.
I have two loads left, one is in the washer. I do not believe I will finish the last load. No worries, with all save bleach worthy whites I have done all my other clothes, bedding, and blankets. When that second to the last load is done it will go into the dryer overnight. The dishes are done, counters and stove top washed, and pretty much everything put away. It takes some serious time to do these things. Thankfully it isn't too intense otherwise. There is plenty of room for breaks.
I don't know about you, but I like to put pillow coverlets under the pillow case. It is just one more layer of clean, or... at least it seems like it. It takes a lot more time though. More so with seven pillows of various size. The various sizes came from experimentation and finding the ones of the ten or twelve I have that I like the best. The number comes from the fact that with fewer pillows I might end up having to look for them at night. Sometimes I lose everything save one pillow and a blanket by the time the alarm goes off. No worries about a woman, for whatever reason a woman in bed with me calms me. Mostly.
I do know that getting into a warm, clean, made bed, knowing my dishes are clean and my clothes are clean and put up makes for wonderful sleeping. It is so very late though. Hopefully I can do a few things tomorrow, a bit earlier, and then get to bed earlier. I saw the opportunity to get on these things and took it. The opportunity might vanish with nothing done leaving only regrets. Not this time around!
I didn't get the trash out, or the cat littler changed. Perhaps I will wake early enough to get on that if I have serious doubts. I can only just do so much. Good night.
.
I have two loads left, one is in the washer. I do not believe I will finish the last load. No worries, with all save bleach worthy whites I have done all my other clothes, bedding, and blankets. When that second to the last load is done it will go into the dryer overnight. The dishes are done, counters and stove top washed, and pretty much everything put away. It takes some serious time to do these things. Thankfully it isn't too intense otherwise. There is plenty of room for breaks.
I don't know about you, but I like to put pillow coverlets under the pillow case. It is just one more layer of clean, or... at least it seems like it. It takes a lot more time though. More so with seven pillows of various size. The various sizes came from experimentation and finding the ones of the ten or twelve I have that I like the best. The number comes from the fact that with fewer pillows I might end up having to look for them at night. Sometimes I lose everything save one pillow and a blanket by the time the alarm goes off. No worries about a woman, for whatever reason a woman in bed with me calms me. Mostly.
I do know that getting into a warm, clean, made bed, knowing my dishes are clean and my clothes are clean and put up makes for wonderful sleeping. It is so very late though. Hopefully I can do a few things tomorrow, a bit earlier, and then get to bed earlier. I saw the opportunity to get on these things and took it. The opportunity might vanish with nothing done leaving only regrets. Not this time around!
I didn't get the trash out, or the cat littler changed. Perhaps I will wake early enough to get on that if I have serious doubts. I can only just do so much. Good night.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Oh sure, there are complaints.
.
.
Ignore them, to some degree. I enjoy some aspects of my little life beyond how I could possibly express. Yes, finishing my education and landing that perfect job would be a wonderful thing. The realities, intricacies, and complications in that are daunting, dubious, and potentially disastrous, even should I actually have the health to bear it out. Of course, I would love to have a family. But there are terrible things there. What would I do with a house half filled with children and a fallen queen? Could I handle one more rendering of my mortal coil? Oh, sure, I will keep an eye out, seriously. I will try for these things if I leave off at, if it be His will, not mine but His, truly.
I put a load through the laundry. While doing so my stomach was pulling a Sassy. Indeed, my belly was begging for a treat. While shopping the other day I snagged a number of steaks. I separated and froze all save one. Hmm, hadn't I purchased potatoes too? Why, yes I had. And remaining from my last dinner were hard rolls. Splendid. With the potatoes done, two rolls heating in the still warm oven, and the skillet heated to a right fine searing temperature, several pats of butter go down. As they sizzle into a thin veneer I add the steak. *Szzzz* Four minutes on each side. Done. At 22:30, I eat my prime meal alone, without bother or protestation at the hour.
The laundry should be about ready to be dried. Another load in and dishes set to a hot soak, a bit of a break, then to the dishes. Then another break until laundry is finished. I will continue with the laundry, going on to bedding and blankets, until Monday sees me free and clear.
Still, I dream of having a woman here. It isn't even the sex, or just the sex. It is having someone who knows about what I don't, or who I can teach. Someone to talk to, perhaps begin to walk with. I have always feared women because they are so fragile in so many ways. If I know they can be pretty strong sometimes. I know there are times were I truly will not like her, if I will sell myself to loving her always. She will intrude on my nice little life, though, too. To some extent she will take over my life as we become us. But to have the touch of a woman of grace? Yeah. I would even have to repurpose my beast inside. It could no longer be offensively defensive. It would have to become purely defensive... unless the worst of all cases should happen and my den, save for me, be destroyed. Darkness, and an understanding of what it means to me, is always there.
Never worry. Tonight is a pleasant thing. A reminder of a good little life. While I will always have problems, always be a touch shy of money, always want to do more than I can afford of money or energy to do, I am blessed. God has somehow seen to my life and living in ways I would never have thought possible. I am humbled by how my nation and God have seen fit to see me to a home and a life any honest man would have to be thankful for, one tailored to my needs and abilities. That is more than most men can ever hope to receive. Ignore my grumblings, doubts, and shadowy paranoia as nothing more than the squeaks and creaks as I try to do more, to prove worthy of what I have, and to seek love.
Live well, and always remember to be grateful for what you do have. Perfection is not to be had here. So if you see little glimmers of it, know you are blessed.
.
Ignore them, to some degree. I enjoy some aspects of my little life beyond how I could possibly express. Yes, finishing my education and landing that perfect job would be a wonderful thing. The realities, intricacies, and complications in that are daunting, dubious, and potentially disastrous, even should I actually have the health to bear it out. Of course, I would love to have a family. But there are terrible things there. What would I do with a house half filled with children and a fallen queen? Could I handle one more rendering of my mortal coil? Oh, sure, I will keep an eye out, seriously. I will try for these things if I leave off at, if it be His will, not mine but His, truly.
I put a load through the laundry. While doing so my stomach was pulling a Sassy. Indeed, my belly was begging for a treat. While shopping the other day I snagged a number of steaks. I separated and froze all save one. Hmm, hadn't I purchased potatoes too? Why, yes I had. And remaining from my last dinner were hard rolls. Splendid. With the potatoes done, two rolls heating in the still warm oven, and the skillet heated to a right fine searing temperature, several pats of butter go down. As they sizzle into a thin veneer I add the steak. *Szzzz* Four minutes on each side. Done. At 22:30, I eat my prime meal alone, without bother or protestation at the hour.
The laundry should be about ready to be dried. Another load in and dishes set to a hot soak, a bit of a break, then to the dishes. Then another break until laundry is finished. I will continue with the laundry, going on to bedding and blankets, until Monday sees me free and clear.
Still, I dream of having a woman here. It isn't even the sex, or just the sex. It is having someone who knows about what I don't, or who I can teach. Someone to talk to, perhaps begin to walk with. I have always feared women because they are so fragile in so many ways. If I know they can be pretty strong sometimes. I know there are times were I truly will not like her, if I will sell myself to loving her always. She will intrude on my nice little life, though, too. To some extent she will take over my life as we become us. But to have the touch of a woman of grace? Yeah. I would even have to repurpose my beast inside. It could no longer be offensively defensive. It would have to become purely defensive... unless the worst of all cases should happen and my den, save for me, be destroyed. Darkness, and an understanding of what it means to me, is always there.
Never worry. Tonight is a pleasant thing. A reminder of a good little life. While I will always have problems, always be a touch shy of money, always want to do more than I can afford of money or energy to do, I am blessed. God has somehow seen to my life and living in ways I would never have thought possible. I am humbled by how my nation and God have seen fit to see me to a home and a life any honest man would have to be thankful for, one tailored to my needs and abilities. That is more than most men can ever hope to receive. Ignore my grumblings, doubts, and shadowy paranoia as nothing more than the squeaks and creaks as I try to do more, to prove worthy of what I have, and to seek love.
Live well, and always remember to be grateful for what you do have. Perfection is not to be had here. So if you see little glimmers of it, know you are blessed.
Skidding to consciousness, sideways.
.
.
Considering I didn't crash until nearly 5:00 and couldn't get to sleep quickly I am not about to complain. I think I actually woke around 10:30. At a quarter after 16:00 I am just becoming aware. I'm not actually sure what I did in those intervening hours. Nothing useful but at least I wasn't in bed. I think?
I still have the last of the dishes to wash and the last few loads of laundry. I had hoped that if I missed early Mass I would make late Mass but that simply isn't possible. It will be an hour or two before I can get to the work at hand. I won't be leaving home today.
No dreams, again, last night. I rolled a bit at least. That helps to not wake to bodily crankiness. Do dreams bring back memories for anyone else? If it weren't for dreams I sometimes wonder if my past would be a blank slate to me. Not that all dreams are considered memories, but while thinking about my dreams I often hit something that takes me to my memories, once I am awake. Faces, places, actions, women. Remember polyester? I truly despised the clothing of the 70's. That is when my mother dressed me. And while mothers are the best with children, since they have fashion sense they shouldn't even be allowed to dress dogs. Fashion is a crime. That's all I am saying. And color schemes, where do women get these? Stick with solid, non-pastel, and somewhat darker, colors. At least for me. Stripes, other than pinstripes on impeccable suits? Dots of any kind? Ugh. A woman might need to push to get me to choose but I will never leave my clothes to a woman's 'fashion sense' again.
I am not sure, however, if I would rather not remember. Over the years of confession, and more recently with better function and the ability to deal with the dreams and the past a bit more, I have been collecting more for confession. My guess is there will be nuggets from the past forever. Then again, that first confession did take care of all of my past to that point. I did it as honestly and openly as I could at the time. I will have to do some research to see if I should let those go as confessed and forgiven or if they should be brought forward. I know, it seems like one should bring those up, but if they actually have been forgiven it may be a sin through doubt to bring them up now. It isn't just my past sins, but what I saw that bothers me the most. The tics of the past, I suppose.
Tomorrow? If I can finish what is on my list for today, tomorrow is a clean slate. Mass, talking to tech help to get the wifi functioning for my phone, digging into my recent credit rejection letter, but I think I will skip dinner over to Tuesday. I may see if my friend wants to do some shopping though. He is beginning to drink milk like I do, though dosed to his size. I need to do some cleaning tomorrow. Vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. It will go well with having the dishes clean and bed refitted with clean everything.
Hmm, better get the trash and cat litter out today too. Tuesday perhaps I can get the bathrooms cleaned again, maybe not until Wednesday though. A week and a half off, but back to it. Don't mind me, my mind is rolling around as it wakes up.
Later.
.
Considering I didn't crash until nearly 5:00 and couldn't get to sleep quickly I am not about to complain. I think I actually woke around 10:30. At a quarter after 16:00 I am just becoming aware. I'm not actually sure what I did in those intervening hours. Nothing useful but at least I wasn't in bed. I think?
I still have the last of the dishes to wash and the last few loads of laundry. I had hoped that if I missed early Mass I would make late Mass but that simply isn't possible. It will be an hour or two before I can get to the work at hand. I won't be leaving home today.
No dreams, again, last night. I rolled a bit at least. That helps to not wake to bodily crankiness. Do dreams bring back memories for anyone else? If it weren't for dreams I sometimes wonder if my past would be a blank slate to me. Not that all dreams are considered memories, but while thinking about my dreams I often hit something that takes me to my memories, once I am awake. Faces, places, actions, women. Remember polyester? I truly despised the clothing of the 70's. That is when my mother dressed me. And while mothers are the best with children, since they have fashion sense they shouldn't even be allowed to dress dogs. Fashion is a crime. That's all I am saying. And color schemes, where do women get these? Stick with solid, non-pastel, and somewhat darker, colors. At least for me. Stripes, other than pinstripes on impeccable suits? Dots of any kind? Ugh. A woman might need to push to get me to choose but I will never leave my clothes to a woman's 'fashion sense' again.
I am not sure, however, if I would rather not remember. Over the years of confession, and more recently with better function and the ability to deal with the dreams and the past a bit more, I have been collecting more for confession. My guess is there will be nuggets from the past forever. Then again, that first confession did take care of all of my past to that point. I did it as honestly and openly as I could at the time. I will have to do some research to see if I should let those go as confessed and forgiven or if they should be brought forward. I know, it seems like one should bring those up, but if they actually have been forgiven it may be a sin through doubt to bring them up now. It isn't just my past sins, but what I saw that bothers me the most. The tics of the past, I suppose.
Tomorrow? If I can finish what is on my list for today, tomorrow is a clean slate. Mass, talking to tech help to get the wifi functioning for my phone, digging into my recent credit rejection letter, but I think I will skip dinner over to Tuesday. I may see if my friend wants to do some shopping though. He is beginning to drink milk like I do, though dosed to his size. I need to do some cleaning tomorrow. Vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. It will go well with having the dishes clean and bed refitted with clean everything.
Hmm, better get the trash and cat litter out today too. Tuesday perhaps I can get the bathrooms cleaned again, maybe not until Wednesday though. A week and a half off, but back to it. Don't mind me, my mind is rolling around as it wakes up.
Later.
Grumbles...
.
.
I would be in bed by now but I tried to do something with my washer and it didn't work. However I may have found out why I couldn't get pure cold water. The cold water was shut off. I don't think my mother would have messed with it. Why I didn't check that before now is another thing altogether. Perhaps I just assumed I had checked it but had not. I will see if that is working now. All dishes, save the final cleaning of the roaster and dishes from mid-rats have been done.
A bit of hamburger fried, into which went left over gravy and a cup of whole whipping cream. Oh, and a sprinkle (probably a quarter of a teaspoon) of the 100K cayenne my lady friend finally sent. I almost thought about adding more cayenne then decided against it. From what I remembered, I thought perhaps I should ease back into that. A good call. I could definitely taste it. At times it seemed too hot yet at other times it seemed a bit mild. I am sure I mixed it in well, so I suspect I will need to learn to ride that horse at a slow go until I can gallop with it again. I absolutely loved having some flavor, heat more precisely, I could taste.
It looks like I won't be sleeping tonight. Fine, at least I am getting some things done. I need a bit to recuperate from the meal. Along with oven heated hard rolls and the meat gravy, the meal was designed to stick to the ribs. That is precisely what it is doing too. Ugh. But worth every inch of suffering I am enduring from over eating just a tad. Since I can't sleep though, I may try to get the blankets done. I am not sure I can make it to Mass, the early one. I can't be sure. I might not be able to make even one more load. My late night meal seems to have knocked the wind out of my sails. All good, I suppose. I will have four loads of laundry done, dishes finished (mostly), and... Actually, that is about it. But it is enough. A breakthrough from my recent crash.
I know it will be bumpy until I can either get back in the saddle or have to rest until another chance comes my way again. I honestly do what I can, even pushing that line, when I can. Others may, doubtful but may, have sympathy for the gimp. As for me? The gimp has shit to do. I don't have time for sympathy. Uhrm, or something like that. If it makes me a hardass, so be it.
Yeah, sleep. I ate too much. It wasn't even that it was all that much, more what it was. Good night.
.
I would be in bed by now but I tried to do something with my washer and it didn't work. However I may have found out why I couldn't get pure cold water. The cold water was shut off. I don't think my mother would have messed with it. Why I didn't check that before now is another thing altogether. Perhaps I just assumed I had checked it but had not. I will see if that is working now. All dishes, save the final cleaning of the roaster and dishes from mid-rats have been done.
A bit of hamburger fried, into which went left over gravy and a cup of whole whipping cream. Oh, and a sprinkle (probably a quarter of a teaspoon) of the 100K cayenne my lady friend finally sent. I almost thought about adding more cayenne then decided against it. From what I remembered, I thought perhaps I should ease back into that. A good call. I could definitely taste it. At times it seemed too hot yet at other times it seemed a bit mild. I am sure I mixed it in well, so I suspect I will need to learn to ride that horse at a slow go until I can gallop with it again. I absolutely loved having some flavor, heat more precisely, I could taste.
It looks like I won't be sleeping tonight. Fine, at least I am getting some things done. I need a bit to recuperate from the meal. Along with oven heated hard rolls and the meat gravy, the meal was designed to stick to the ribs. That is precisely what it is doing too. Ugh. But worth every inch of suffering I am enduring from over eating just a tad. Since I can't sleep though, I may try to get the blankets done. I am not sure I can make it to Mass, the early one. I can't be sure. I might not be able to make even one more load. My late night meal seems to have knocked the wind out of my sails. All good, I suppose. I will have four loads of laundry done, dishes finished (mostly), and... Actually, that is about it. But it is enough. A breakthrough from my recent crash.
I know it will be bumpy until I can either get back in the saddle or have to rest until another chance comes my way again. I honestly do what I can, even pushing that line, when I can. Others may, doubtful but may, have sympathy for the gimp. As for me? The gimp has shit to do. I don't have time for sympathy. Uhrm, or something like that. If it makes me a hardass, so be it.
Yeah, sleep. I ate too much. It wasn't even that it was all that much, more what it was. Good night.
I found my pace.
.
.
A load of laundry in, then when a load dries a reloading of the washer and drier, plus folding. A twenty to thirty minute rest time next. Then a load of dishes, after which I soak the next load of dishes. Another rest time until the drier does it's work. Rinse and repeat. I am half way through my clothes and towels. Whatever I don't finish tonight and blankets are slated for tomorrow. I have a clean set of sheets ready for my bed but I won't put them on until I have washed the cat smell from the blankets. I have my Sunday clothes ready, should I need to jump out of bed and have to move quickly. No promises about Mass, just an intention to make it to early Mass on time and ready.
I best take a chuck roast out to thaw tonight. That will be for dinner Monday, maybe Tuesday. My friend is invited. I wish he would ask a friend over as well. I still have hope that he might find a woman to at least share some time with. Women can be problematic, but perhaps he could find one who just likes to talk but not too much. I really think a woman's touch in his life would be good. Barring that it would be good for him to find a fishing pal or just someone from back when to talk to, play cards with, or just have a smoke and chit-chat with on occasion. It would be nice to have more company from time to time. While my meals are nothing to write home about they are decent home-cooked meals. Just that puts them well above most prepackaged or frozen-to-cooked restaurant meals.
Some days, for no reason, I get the sense that I am a distinctly disliked man. Is it because of what I have been, what I have done, what I have or am failing to do? Is it because I live such a "plush" life? What? I could be wrong. My bat senses could be off. My spider senses might be misguiding me. Or, if history holds, not. I am certainly scrutinized, and don't think it is just here, or there. Paranoid? Not really. Some days it just feels like I have angered or dissatisfied all those around me. I have no doubts that this mask I wear is too thin to really conceal who I truly am. Perhaps that is it. Whatever. Es macht mir egal. I can't stress that last enough.
My rest time is up, another load of dishes is ready to be cleaned. After this load I will merely have a large pot and the roaster, the latter has been soaking since I used it. I am not sure if I will sleep tonight or not. My guess is you will. So, good night. Even if you really hate me.
.
A load of laundry in, then when a load dries a reloading of the washer and drier, plus folding. A twenty to thirty minute rest time next. Then a load of dishes, after which I soak the next load of dishes. Another rest time until the drier does it's work. Rinse and repeat. I am half way through my clothes and towels. Whatever I don't finish tonight and blankets are slated for tomorrow. I have a clean set of sheets ready for my bed but I won't put them on until I have washed the cat smell from the blankets. I have my Sunday clothes ready, should I need to jump out of bed and have to move quickly. No promises about Mass, just an intention to make it to early Mass on time and ready.
I best take a chuck roast out to thaw tonight. That will be for dinner Monday, maybe Tuesday. My friend is invited. I wish he would ask a friend over as well. I still have hope that he might find a woman to at least share some time with. Women can be problematic, but perhaps he could find one who just likes to talk but not too much. I really think a woman's touch in his life would be good. Barring that it would be good for him to find a fishing pal or just someone from back when to talk to, play cards with, or just have a smoke and chit-chat with on occasion. It would be nice to have more company from time to time. While my meals are nothing to write home about they are decent home-cooked meals. Just that puts them well above most prepackaged or frozen-to-cooked restaurant meals.
Some days, for no reason, I get the sense that I am a distinctly disliked man. Is it because of what I have been, what I have done, what I have or am failing to do? Is it because I live such a "plush" life? What? I could be wrong. My bat senses could be off. My spider senses might be misguiding me. Or, if history holds, not. I am certainly scrutinized, and don't think it is just here, or there. Paranoid? Not really. Some days it just feels like I have angered or dissatisfied all those around me. I have no doubts that this mask I wear is too thin to really conceal who I truly am. Perhaps that is it. Whatever. Es macht mir egal. I can't stress that last enough.
My rest time is up, another load of dishes is ready to be cleaned. After this load I will merely have a large pot and the roaster, the latter has been soaking since I used it. I am not sure if I will sleep tonight or not. My guess is you will. So, good night. Even if you really hate me.
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